Where did it all go wrong? I keep asking myself this question and am struggling with finding answers. My wife and I met in college and we hit everything off right. We both played a sport in college and were both very good at the sport that we participated in. We are both very well educated, we both have wonderful families and we have 2 wonderful children.
We dated about 4 years prior to getting married. We have now been married 7 years, and have run into some rough/rocky times. My wife, after both of our children were born, suffered post-partum depression. It was the type of depression where she would go to sleep as soon as she got home from work (she originally worked 7a-7p shifts) and would barely even say hi to me or the children. There was times where she would break down emotionally and just sob uncontrollably and want re-assurance that I would never leave her. I would always let her know that I would always be there for her. During this period, I become the defacto caretaker of the children and the household. I never had a problem with doing this (I’m talking about all of the dishes, clothes, childcare requirements) unless my wife would complain about the house not being clean or her favorite blanket not being cleaned. It really upset me that I felt as though most of what I was doing around the house was being taken for granted. I realize now that I began to feel a sort of resentment towards my wife because I felt that no matter how hard I tried to make her happy, it was never good enough.
Prior to our daughter being born (she is now 3), my wife approached me about wanting to go back to school to improve our financial outlook. We already made decent money, but this would result in a much higher salary for her. The only downfall was that she would have to spend 5 months away from the house. Then, she would spend 2 years during various clinical rotations. I agreed and told her that if this was something she wanted, that we could make it work. Fast forward to 4 months after our daughter was born and my wife went away to school. Talk about a very weird situation. Here we are now, me, my 2 year old son, and my 4 month old daughter with the nearest family being 3 hours away.
I made it work and I did a very good job. During the last week prior to some of her finals, my wife had another breakdown. She later revealed to me that she had seriously considered suicide. It was a very rough patch for both of us and I think led to some of where the problems are today. She is now seeing a psychiatrist and has been getting help ever since this time. When she came back to the house, she still had to take classes and do her clinicals. It was so amazing to have my wife back in the house after being away for 5 months, but she was not much emotionally back in the house. She still was worried about studying and doing her clinicals. It was so awesome to have her back physically, but it was so difficult to not have her back 100% emotionally.
During this time, her clinicals involved her working overnight shifts at least once a week. Her clinicals involved late evenings. Again, she was in the house physically, but she was not there emotionally. I continued to remain the caretaker around the house. Don’t get me wrong, she did as much as she could while studying and doing her clinicals. I just think I set myself up to be let down when I expected her to be 100% emotionally back in the house when she still had so much committed to her studies. It really hurt.
I will now fast-forward to today. She graduated in December and has been working at her job for 2 months. About 2 weeks ago, she was acting very weird on Thursday and I just questioned what was up? She then dropped the ILYBINILWY line. I was devastated. I continue to be devastated and not sure exactly how to proceed. That following Friday at work, I swear felt like it lasted 80 hours. I was researching online for anything I could read/find. I was wondering what was happening. I continued to see people be very skeptical of that line and to find out about any affair.
The following Monday, I asked her if there was anything she wanted to tell me. She was very upfront about becoming emotionally attached to a man at work. She told me that nothing had happened between them, but that she felt like he understood her and was an alpha male that challenged her, yada yada. That revelation actually gave me some relief. I felt like things were bad, yes, but not completely hopeless. I then put on Facebook something to the effect of, “Please pray for me in these tough times”. Nothing like a good ol’ cryptic message. People, of course, began texting/calling asking what was wrong. I just said I was going through a rough patch. People were texting/calling her as well. She was mad at me for putting our ‘business’ on facebook, but I told her that I didn’t say anything about us.
I told her that the only way we can work on our marriage is if she cuts off communication with the OM. She then went on a drive and said she had to call her mother. After she got back home, she said that she called her mother and she basically told my wife that it was her family or this other guy. Then she called the OM and said that she had developed feelings for him and yada yada and that she wanted to end that. It made me laugh, but I saw a text message he sent her the next day that basically said those feelings she had were one way and that he never saw their relationship in that light. He then said that he felt like he was being scapegoated for something else.
I will admit, I first re-acted with crying, pleading, wishing, chasing her around. I wanted what I have always wanted, re-assurance that we were going to make it. I wanted to feel loved. I told her that she would be in a bad position with our 2 kids because I am the one who takes them to daycare every morning before work, who picks them up every afternoon after work, and that her schedule would not allow for her to keep the kids very often. I told her that we were now at a position in our life that we discussed and cried about 3 years ago when we decided that she would go to school. How could she be so cold to want to leave me now? I even resorted to telling her that I felt used as free childcare and house care while she was pursuing her advanced degree and that since she now has graduated, she could get rid of me.
Let’s just say that none of that worked. She did not want to hear it. Fast forward to this past weekend and the grandparents took the kids for the weekend. She had originally planned on going to an all-girls weekend, but decided to stay at home with me. We went out on a date Saturday night, held hands, danced, went to the orchestra, she was looking into my eyes and telling me she loved me. We passionately kissed; something that we hadn’t done in 2 weeks. Then, Sunday morning when we woke up, she was back to being cold again. I brought her coffee and breakfast in bed, but she didn’t even say thanks.
She told me that I should just go get the kids by myself (an hour and a half drive, one way) and meet her mother. What a crappy drive that was. When we got home, we played outside in the backyard for a bit, but then my wife just up and left in her car. She said she was going to get us something to eat. She came home, crying her eyes out, and told me that she was not sure that she could ever be happy in our marriage. She said, and has said numerous times, that I deserve someone who loves them back the way that I love her. She said that she is not deserving of me and that she hates herself for what she has taken from me. I tried to console her, but it did very little.
Then, yesterday, I find this site and am looking at the 37 rules that I need to do. I agreed. I had been way too quick to want an answer. I had wanted to wake up and this would all be back to normal. She said, on Sunday, that my pressure to fix things was pushing her away. Then, yesterday, I made a commitment that I would do some 180s and be completely different. I went to the gym, like normal, but came home and did not say a word to her. I usually would want to ask about her day, talk to her, and hug her. However, I simply just smiled and said hi and went and took a shower. I did not worry about doing the dishes after we ate. When we were going to sleep, she said she loved me, but I did not even respond. I felt bad for not telling her I loved her, but I did not know what else to say at the time.
I guess I just wanted to put this story out there for anyone else that had the time to read. I really dislike how she keeps telling me that there are too many other women who would be grateful to have such a wonderful husband, father, partner in their life. I don’t want someone else, I want you.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
(
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534754&page=1).
Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Glad you found your way here, Rob. Sadly, your story is very common to see in our world today. People have too much on their plates and something usually gets neglected b/c there are not enough hours in a day for everything.
When I was reading your post about what you told your W, upon hearing about her EA, I was reminded of how I've heard wives of doctors tell a similar experience. Many spouses either work while the other one is going to school, or they run the household and childcare. Then low and behold the one who was getting their professional degree informs the spouse who supported them...that they want out of the M.
I can only imagine the affect her absence has had on the children, and how it will show through later. But that's another subject for another time. Right now, you are needing support. You'll get it here on the DB board, if you'll continue to post.
I am impressed with your 180's and hope you continue to follow the "rules" (as there are called), until there's a change.
We encourage all newcomers to read Divorce Remedy or Divorce Busting to understand the writer's principles and what it is we all discuss here.
This can be turned around, Rob. I was once a WW in an EA and I credit this board to helping me find my way back. Since it's mostly geared for the LBS, just think how much it will help you!
Thanks for the welcome, Cadet and Sandi. I have been on the rollercoaster of ups and downs the past 2 1/2 weeks and am emotionally exhausted. What I believe has been so hurtful is that we had began looking at purchasing a new house about a month or so ago, all the while my W telling me how great I was at everything I did. Then, 2 weeks later, things cannot be reconciled.
I have ordered the Divorce Busting book and it should be delivered prior to this weekend. Like I stated earlier, I feel as though a divorce, would be failing not only our children and ourselves, but our families as well. My W told me that her mother and father basically said that they stood with me and that, again, it's either her family or she is on her own.
I hate it came to that, but I also am displeased that my W attempted to say it was my fault because I put that message on Facebook about wanting prayers. The classical, this is between us, not anyone else argument when what precipitated these irrational feelings in your head is based upon someone else.
It also worries me when she states things like, "I am not sure that I will be happy with anyone" or "I think I may be best on my own for the rest of my life". I asked her initially about being depressed, and even though she is on medications for her depression, she claims that the depression is controlled and has no bearing on her feelings and actions.
When I asked her 2 weekends ago, how would she feel is she were in my shoes, she made a very interesting statement. She told me that she would be incredibly hurt, she would be devastated and that she would not be able to understand what went wrong. I then made the mistake of trying to press on those and tried to 'force' her to love me again.
At the moment, she still tells me she loves me, she still will give an occasional kiss, she acts like things are fairly normal... until there is a bad episode. Those bad episodes really hurt me because I know what she is saying is not correct/rational and I cannot do anything to change her view. I am only in control of me and how I react to those situations.
It's hard enough to say, much less act out when a bad situation is happening.
Again, thanks for the warm welcome!
I just came home and my W was acting very nice and was happy she got off work early. That quickly changed once I told her I was going out with some coworkers this evening. I could tell she was hurt. I felt horrible doing this.
I really am just going to a bar to sit there and watch some baseball by myself, but I could tell she was wondering what I was up to. I even noticed she was looking at my phone before I left the house.
Am I crazy for feeling bad about doing this on a weeknight when she was happy to have gotten off early?
Well, when I came home last night at around 9:45, my W was still awake with my S. I could see the hurt in her eyes when she was looking at me. I almost broke down when she looked up at me with her beautiful eyes, and I could see the hurt in them.
I simply jumped in the shower and then came to bed. I woke up this morning hoping that my nightmare would be over. I woke up this morning wishing there was the EASY button to push. I had a difficult time sleeping last night and I kept questioning my decision to leave the house for a bit last night.
I know it is counter-intuitive, but why would I feel bad about doing that? I guess it is because I absolutely hate hurting my wife. Or being the cause of hurt. Maybe that is why we have gotten where we are today. Because I have always been the person to come swooping in to help out with her problems. I was the one who always made things better. I was the one who would silently wonder, when she is telling me her problems, why does nobody care about my problems?
Damn, this is so difficult. I wanted to do nothing more than give her a huge hug yesterday when me and the kids got home yesterday from work/school. My wife was smiling, in a great mood... and I just said hi, smiled, and told her I was going to meet some co-workers.
I feel, for some reason, like this could be turned around on me. Like I am the one who is not willing to work on our relationship. I can promise you, I am willing to do whatever it takes to save my M. I told my wife that. Maybe part of the problem is that I am so worried about hurting my wife that it has hampered my ability to enjoy life for me.
Just rambling now...
Rob read Sandis thread again on the LBS with WW. She explains a lot of what you are experiencing. Hard stuff
Doing some self-reflecting here, just a bit of blogging/diary.
I know during our marriage that I could be seen as being overbearing. I’ll tell you how I arrived at that conclusion (these thoughts flow much more quickly and smoothly in my head, haha). I have always been the type of person in our relationship that wanted to make sure that my W was not hurt. If she needed a shoulder to cry on, here is mine. If something is causing you pain, let me help you with that. Just trust that I will never cause you and hurt/pain. I simply cannot handle hurting you, W.
I have always been the type that wanted to make sure everything was OK with my W. You going on a trip with the kids? Just send me a message when you guys get there so I can be sure you are OK. You going on a girls weekend? Just send me a message when you guys get there so I can be sure you are OK. After her bout with post-partum depression with our 2nd child, while she was away at school, and when she later told me she had considered ‘ending it all’, it ramped up that sense of wanting me to help her. I hated to see her hurt. I hated to see hurt in her eyes. In her voice. Anything.
With her clinical schedule, she had to work many nights. I’m sitting around at night with the children, especially once they went to bed, and I would send a quick message to her asking how it was going. No response. However, I would check Facebook and she was online looking at Facebook. Now, who knows how intently she was checking. Or how long she had. Or what she was doing. But she simply would not respond to my text message? I would then ask her why she didn’t respond and she would say something to the effect of she was busy or yada, yada, and then I would ask about being on Facebook. She immediately would get defensive and it would turn our conversation for the worse (as if my constant prodding was not bad enough). I would tell her that I simply would like to get a message every now and again from her. Did not have to be anything wild or crazy. Just a simple, hey, how’s it going. What I failed to realize (and still fail to realize, to an extent) is that my W is simply not wired that way. She doesn’t send many messages. Unless it was with her clinical group at school.
But now, since they all have jobs, her texting that group has almost completely stopped. She very rarely messages her parents. I have to understand this. I can’t change her, I can change how I react and me, though.
Then, when I went out last night, I could see the hurt in her eyes. Whatever the hurt was for, I broke down when I left because, contrary to my nature, I caused that pain. I caused that hurt. I promised that I would never hurt her, and yet, here I am, hurting her.
I broke down and sent a message to her earlier and said I missed her last night. She asked what I did and I told her just went to the parking lot and did some self-reflection. She told me she wanted me to go have fun, that she had a good time alone with the kids.
What a self-defeating thing to do, I know. Just wanted to vent here. I am working on focusing on what I am doing and not having to have someone else to worry about me. It feels good to me to get a message from her, specifically, asking how my day is going. However, that is simply not the way she operates. Well, somedays she will, but most days she won’t. I have to be able to understand that just because she doesn’t send me some small talk text message does not mean that I am not important or matter to her.
What a dang journey so far….
Tonight was good, in my opinion. W went to bed early, told me she loved me and even gave me a brief kiss. She has to work overnight Saturday (7-7) and I just pointed out that she sure is lucky to have such a great husband like me. I'm not sure if that was the right thing to say, but she smiled and said, you are right, i am definitely lucky to have you.
So much confusion still. Again, I wish I could hit the fast forward button. However, maybe the good news is that we can't fast forward these times. It is our time to improve ourselves.
You pointed out what a great husband you are? Really? Dude read Sandis thread. Stop the denial. Your wife is having an EA she thinks thet grass is greener elsewhere. Im sorry to be blunt.
You pointed out what a great husband you are? Really? Dude read Sandis thread. Stop the denial. Your wife is having an EA she thinks thet grass is greener elsewhere. Im sorry to be blunt.
I didn't say what I did was smart. Hell, I think we have all been in the same situation where things are going well (at least as good as it could, in the situation) and we say and do dumb things. I did read Sandis thread, it resonates, but I also, still being early on in the process, am in denial. I always think that my situation is different. Of course, it's not, but still, I think that is human nature.
We always like to think our situations are unique and special. When in reality, our situations are all almost exactly the same. We like to think that doing things 'our' way will work, because, well, we are different. However, there are plenty of people in the world who have employed their own methods to saving their marriage and we see how that worked out for them.
I think everyone here needs the dose of reality. No matter how I want to justify anything, she did have an EA. Even though every piece of me wants to be loving and caring and nice and whatever to my W, I cannot do that at the time. If I do, I will be setting myself up to fail.
It's much easier typing that than acting that though. I understand. If I could only keep my cool/calm/open mind that I have right now when I see my W this afternoon when I get home from work.
I will do that. It's time to detach.
Believe me i know exactly what your saying. Hard stuff. Especially in the beginning. Sandi believes that if u show WW that she is losing you that things may turn around quicker. It is not an exact science what we do here. And yes u will make mistakes. We are here to support you
Rob, first of all, I'm sorry you're in this situation. You seem like a really good guy! I'm still early in the process and have made plenty of mistakes. So far, I'm finding the hardest part of this whole process is the detachment and the GALing, especially with children.
On another note, I really appreciate your writing style. You are obviously a smart educated man. I'm jealous of your writing skills.
Wishing you the best!
SD
Rob, first of all, I'm sorry you're in this situation. You seem like a really good guy! I'm still early in the process and have made plenty of mistakes. So far, I'm finding the hardest part of this whole process is the detachment and the GALing, especially with children.
On another note, I really appreciate your writing style. You are obviously a smart educated man. I'm jealous of your writing skills.
Wishing you the best!
SD
I agree. It is very difficult to GAL and detach when we are under the same roof and have 2 children under the age of 5. For some uncanny reason, I have it in my head that I am abandoning my children if I want to go out and do my own thing.
Thanks for the kudos on my writing style! I tend to write novels when I get to going, especially when it is in regards to my own feelings.
I have to be strong. That is how I take control of myself. I had some very bad thoughts during my lunch prior to a meeting this afternoon. Some ladies complimented me on the way I looked while eating as a restaurant. I smiled, said thanks, and instantly thought of my W. I went to sit in my truck to think for a moment and began seeing pictures in my mind that were bad. Things like picturing my W in the nude. And then thinking that I may never get to have her again. And how some OM would get to. Very bad pictures that made me get angry. Like really mad.
I then thought about her parents. Their S-26 has been to jail twice for drugs and has been homeless for some time. Their daughter is now doing this. I cannot tell you how awful it was, when I met my MIL the other day to pick the kids up without my W, to see MIL break down and begin crying. She told me that if I ever needed to talk, she would be there for me. Talk about a punch to the gut. My MIL told me that she had already lost one son, and did not want to lose another (me). Another punch to the gut.
I then thought about my parents. The people who have always been there for me. The people who have always listened to my problems. The people who I have completely cut off since the BD 3 weeks ago because I am embarrassed. I feel like a failure because I am failing at marriage. Why do I have these feelings? Why do so many here have these feelings?
I have a theory. My theory is that most men who find themselves here in our situation are generally good guys. The type of guys that do so much for their families that they become overbearing on their M. Notice I say M. I realized early on while reading some other threads that I held M on a pedestal. I thought that a real M meant X, Y, Z, without realizing that every M is different. Every R we ever have is different. I say most become overbearing on their M because I think so many H push so hard to make their M work, that they actually work counter-productive to their M.
Who cares if my W did not text me when she got to her destination? Well, I certainly did care, but in the grand scheme of things, why did I feel it necessary to continue to 'scold' her for not texting me. Why did I continue to find it necessary to tell her that I would really enjoy a message during the day just saying she was thinking about me. I was pushing so hard on our M because the M in my mind was not the same M in her mind. People in a M send messages to their spouse to tell them they love them, right? Well, in my mind they do. However, that is unrealistic to believe that in her mind they do as well.
I cannot control her thoughts about our M. I can only focus on doing things to improve my outlook on life. I can only focus on doing things for me. I can only focus on doing things for my children. If my W wants to join in with the new me, great. If not, although it would be devastating and extremely hard, that is her choice.
Believe me i know exactly what your saying. Hard stuff. Especially in the beginning. Sandi believes that if u show WW that she is losing you that things may turn around quicker. It is not an exact science what we do here. And yes u will make mistakes. We are here to support you
Journaling...
This afternoon has been good. I came home, the wife had dinner cooked for the kids and I and we sat down and ate. Everything was good, I then told her I was going for a run. When I got back, her and my D were taking a shower. I sat down and played with my S for a while until they were finished. I then told her I was going to the gym. I could tell she was surprised that I had ran and then was also going to the gym. In the past, I would have asked if it was OK to go to the gym.
Tonight, I just got up, told her and the children bye, and left. Not anything cold hearted, but simply GALing without her approval. I came back home and her phone was lying on the bed. It's one of those things that just tick away at your mind. I wonder if she has said anything to anyone? Is her EA really over? You know, the type of thoughts that can drive someone mad. So, I looked at her phone. Did not appear to see anything that would indicate the EA still existed.
OM is supposed to be leaving the job tomorrow and then be gone for 3 months. She told me that this was a blessing in disguise. I'm not sure that I agree with that thinking, but we shall see. I know there is still some level of attachment to him. Of course there is. In fantasy land, he is the knight in shining armor.
In days past (like literally, 2 weeks ago), I would have asked her about some of her text messages. The general BS text messages to other co-workers about work related stuff. Why is co-worker woman telling you not to tell anyone about the discussion you guys had last week when she was emotional and crying? In reality, I don't care. I have to let go in this way.
If things don't directly impact our M or my W is unwilling to share them, then I cannot care. I was smiling and looking into her eyes when she told me about her day just a moment ago. I just was nodding my head like a bobble head when she was talking. I care, don't get me wrong, but I don't want to sabotage saving our M. I don't want to be too worried about her day or too involved at this point.
Boy, does it hurt saying that, and hurts even more acting that out, but it is what it is. My D turns 3 on Saturday and my W said that we should go get her birthday present on Saturday. Then I could make one of my famous birthday cakes for her and we could celebrate. I said, sure, sounds like a great time with and for the kids.
To note, I originally had said that I was did a 180 on doing all of the housework like a weak H. When I left the house on Tuesday (went to the bar, well, at least said I went there), I came home and both of the childrens rooms were cleaned by her. She said she didn't know what else to do (especially since I had just up and left). Today, I come home and most of the clothes are washed and she even cleaned the dishes.
I point this out to say that doing things that seem counter-intuitive actually works. I hate to say we can manipulate others by our actions, but that is definitely the truth. I know it's small, but it was something today I laughed about while running. Here I was, when in the past would simply do the housework, over and over and over, and let the resentment build up. I go out 'out the bar' one night and the housework roles have shifted. Maybe temporarily, but they still shifted in this moment.
More MBing, wait, DBing, to follow. MR arrives in the mail either tomorrow or Saturday. I cannot wait to read that!
I hate to say we can manipulate others by our actions, but that is definitely the truth.
I wanted to clarify this statement as I see how it could be misconstrued. In every R that we have in life, there is an ebb and flow that is driven by our interactions with the other person. You could go to any place in town on any given night and just watch interactions between others, yet you have no idea what that interaction means to those people who are interacting.
One person may feel the interaction is loving while the other may feel the interaction is burdensome. One person may feel the interaction is friendly while the other person may feel the interaction is hostile. There are countless examples of this that could be used over and over again.
My point is that we do not actually manipulate the other person. We just act in a manner to achieve the desired outcome in our interactions with other people. For instance, if you walk up to a complete stranger on the sidewalk tomorrow morning, look him into the eyes, say hello and extend your hand, what would the typical response be? He most likely would say hello and extend his hand to shake yours. Did you manipulate him to do that? I would say you simply interacted with that person in a way to get a desired response.
Take the same example above, but this time you walk up to that stranger, say get out of my way, *****, and push him in the chest. What would the typical response be? He most likely would either start running or may push you back or punch you. If you get punched, would you say you manipulated that person? We can argue about definitions and intent all day long, but I would say that we manipulate situations all the time. If we want our significant other to have sex with us, we might pat them on the rear. We may kiss their neck. Are we manipulating them? Some could argue yes, some could argue no.
I propose that in reality, it really does not matter. In every interaction we ever have with other humans, we do things to get the outcome that we desire. That is where we begin to break down. We do thing to get outcomes WE desire. That other person is doing things to get outcomes THEY desire. The key, in my opinion, is to find a way to achieve shared outcomes in any R. That is what this is all about, in my humble opinion. Realizing that our interactions with people in Rs drive how the R functions.
We have our own map for how Rs should function. The question remains, how do we adjust our map (talking about changing ourselves) to make our map more compatible with other's maps.
Journaling...
What a difference a day makes. I wake up this morning and am instantly filled with grief and anger and desperation. I threw up this morning after I had a quick bite of breakfast. Keep in mind, my W leaves for work around 5:30 or so and I have to get the kids ready for daycare and myself ready for work.
You know how easy it would have been to simply call in and say I need a mental health day? You also know how difficult it would have been to sit around and wallow in self pity all day? I believe I basically am living a double life. The one where I put on a extremely hard outer shell that shows I am strong. The one I put on towards my friends and co-workers. The same one that allowed me to be the employee of the year last year in an organization that has over 7000 employees. The same one that acts like nothing is wrong.
Then, there is the real me. The one who constantly wants validation. The one who worries when things are not right. The one who is always concerned when things are not going the way they should. The man that is not the strong man I project. That is where my focus is on now. I focus on becoming that man on the inside as well. I focus on not being the pushover that I had become due to my circumstances. Better yet, I became that pushover because I allowed myself to be that pushover. You do whatever you need to honey, because your job is so stressful and you should take care of yourself.
Well, what about me? Why can't I do what I want? Why can't my W understand that I need a break as well? It's because I acted like I didn't need a break. She was more important than me. Now, I pay for doing this. I remember talking to a guidance counselor/pastor prior to getting married. I remember him vividly saying that individual needs must take the backseat to the needs of the M. That the M is more important than us individually. I really think back to this as potentially bad advice. I took this so literally. My M was more important than me, and the happiness of my W was more important than me.
Working together as a team is wonderful when both members are working towards the same goals. Maybe that is where we got off track. We were working towards the same goals, but not in concert. I expected the journey to be this way, while the journey turned out this way. Maybe that is why I hate my sitch so much? I thought I had done things so great and simply did not understand why I would not be shown the appreciation for doing what I did? My W was expressing gratitude in her own way. Why was that not enough for me?
These are the things I work on now.
I believe I basically am living a double life.
The one where I put on a extremely hard outer shell that shows I am strong.
The one I put on towards my friends and co-workers.
The same one that allowed me to be the employee of the year last year in an organization that has over 7000 employees. The same one that acts like nothing is wrong.
Then, there is the real me. The one who constantly wants validation. The one who worries when things are not right. The one who is always concerned when things are not going the way they should. The man that is not the strong man I project. That is where my focus is on now. I focus on becoming that man on the inside as well. I focus on not being the pushover that I had become due to my circumstances. Better yet, I became that pushover because I allowed myself to be that pushover. You do whatever you need to honey, because your job is so stressful and you should take care of yourself.
Yes men are very good at wearing MASKS.
And then they have all this pain behind the mask.
Best thing I can suggest is not to run away from this PAIN but confront it head on.
It is not your wifes fault that YOU carry around this PAIN.
That is all on YOU.
So you need to unravel why you feel this way - I mean really why - what is deep inside that is causing it and
what can YOU do to FIX yourself.
Cause in the end that is the only person that we can CONTROL and really FIX!
OURSELVES.
You know how easy it would have been to simply call in and say I need a mental health day? You also know how difficult it would have been to sit around and wallow in self pity all day? I believe I basically am living a double life. The one where I put on a extremely hard outer shell that shows I am strong. The one I put on towards my friends and co-workers. The same one that allowed me to be the employee of the year last year in an organization that has over 7000 employees. The same one that acts like nothing is wrong.
I know exactly what you're saying. The rollercoaster is a rough ride, And emotional attachment is Sooooo difficult. I too have to put up a strong front while at work. Most of the men I work with are Alpha Males and you cannot be perceived as weak. I think some of this carried over into my M. After BD, I was a weak sniveling wreck for 2 months. I did take a week off initially, and that only made things worse. I did not have the motivation to GAL and could not stop thinking about my W, and the life we had built.
Even still, I was looking at my W objectively after she got off the eliptical the other day, and thought to myself... she doesn't even have a nice body anymore, why am I putting so much into this? I know, very shallow thinking, but it was the start of me attempting to detach. I'm sure it's driving W crazy that I have lost so much weight (I'm only a few pounds heavier than her now) and am looking better than I have in our entire M. I'm still waiting to find out if/who the OM/OW is. I've heard that it's often a downgrade. Not that that matters.
I wish I had something more inciteful to say, but I just wanted you to know others are following your sitch and appreciate your journaling. I think it's therapeutic for me.
I think one thing that drives my W crazy is that she met me right after I graduated from law school and thought she was going to be marrying a L. I finished at a decent law school near the median and virtually had no chance of getting an offer at a large firm. Besides, I knew I would hate it. I was previously an auditor at very large accounting firm and hated every second of it. Law is much more of the same. I told her not long after we married that I would never be a L, and I was pursuing a different career path. She was upset, but encouraged me. I'm very happy at my job and it pays very well and has incredible security and benefits (aside from me being gone half the year). Still, she wasn't marrying a L, and she wanted that "prestige" factor. She was a sorority girl and I was a frat boy, from different colleges at different times. I think she kept seeing the men and lives her sorority sisters were having, and became jealous and not quite realizing how well she had it.
Sorry, I'm journaling in your thread.
At first, I was devastated by the thought of losing everything I had built and accomplished. But, yesterday, I thought about what life would be like in the future. I even calculated how much money I would have after child support, etc. I realized I would be just fine financially and would still see the kids just as much as I do now. The only thing that would change is not having W in my life. Somehow that was comforting.
Keep being strong, acting as if, and detaching (and journaling).
Everything is going so well. My W has been engaging, initiating conversation, initiating the ILYs, initiating the holding hands, initiating the casual contact. Regardless of this, I am still scared. Outright mortified. Maybe that is the problem here.
Yesterday, my W got off work a bit later than normal and went to the store afterwards to get me the kids food. I saw she wasn't home when I got there and instantly told my kids we were going to take a walk around the neighborhood. Apparently, she called multiple times and texted multiple times asking if we were OK and if we needed her to pick anything up. She then texted asking if the dinner she was picking up was OK. My phone was still in the house, so I had no idea she even sent me any messages.
The walk calmed me down. It helped me just focus on my kids and really focus on myself. We got home just as she was pulling in. She really acted like she was a bit upset that I didn't let her know we went walking. I just told her I took the kids to walk since she wasn't home. No big deal.
The, today, we took our D to a birthday party for one of her friends at daycare. Our S went as well. We had a really good time and actually laughed and jokes and held hands. The mother of the birthday boy came over and talked to W for a while. W told me on the way home that she was saying how great of a dad I was and how she wishes her H would be as involved with their children as I am with ours. W then told me how thankful she was for me and how great I am.
That statement was really bittersweet. How do you interpret your W when she tells you she is thankful for me and that you are great? In normal circumstances, I would turn the tables and tell her how she is the same. Today, I just validated her feelings. Said I can understand how she feels that way. I felt like a dang robot reciting code. Felt weird, but I did not want to overdue anything.
When my W left for work this evening, she told kids she loved them and gave them kisses. She even went as far as telling me she loved me and gave me a kiss. Then looked into my eyes after the kiss and told me that she was feeling love again.
I was so excited, but yet so scared. I have to continue with GALing. I have to continue with detaching. I just don't want to detach so much that I detach myself from our family, if that even makes any sense? I had some women today tell me that I looked like a model in Home Depot today. My wife even complimented me on my appearance today. I have always considered myself to be a fairly good looking guy. I just have recently switched up to doing more crossfit style working out rather than simply heavy weightlifting.
Not sure what reason I even point that out. It just feels good to be validated again. However, like I said earlier in one of my 180s, I have to rely less upon external validation and be internally validated. I guess that is a fail on my part, but, again, it felt good.
Any advice on not to allow W to so quickly get things back to 'normal' without re-doing R? Maybe not re-doing, but creating new R? I'm telling you, I don't have the time nor the patience to do this twice. I don't see how anyone could.
That statement was really bittersweet. How do you interpret your W when she tells you she is thankful for me and that you are great? In normal circumstances, I would turn the tables and tell her how she is the same. Today, I just validated her feelings. Said I can understand how she feels that way. I felt like a dang robot reciting code. Felt weird, but I did not want to overdue anything.
You told her you could understand how she could feel you are great? LOL, maybe it would be better to simply say thanks. It probably felt weird b/c you didn't feel authentic.
I see a blend of two things you need. I would guess that words of affirmation is your love language, which is fine. In addition, I see a man who may appear secure on the surface, but he feels so insecure emotionally that he needs daily validation to stay afloat.
I could understand how a person could begin to confuse loving actions with his own insecurity. When you were describing how much you always tried to protect your W from any hurt, wanting her to call you, etc., you saw your actions as loving and caring. From where I sit, I could easily see those actions as smothering her. A lot of women would say it is a method of control. What you may believe comes from a place of deep love........may be more from a place of deep insecurity. I see where it could lead to co-dependency. Maybe it already has. I hope you will seriously consider these issues and what you can do about it.
When my W left for work this evening, she told kids she loved them and gave them kisses. She even went as far as telling me she loved me and gave me a kiss. Then looked into my eyes after the kiss and told me that she was feeling love again.
Please don't put a lot of stock into it. It takes time to go from an EA back to feeling in love with her H. She may be trying to convince herself..........or something else. Just take it at face value and no more.
Please don't put a lot of stock into it. It takes time to go from an EA back to feeling in love with her H. She may be trying to convince herself..........or something else. Just take it at face value and no more.
I have to agree with Sandi. My W walked away 6 months ago today and filed for D the very next day! We don't live together, but since then I have received so many mixed messages from her. Most people on this forum think I shouldn't put much stock in her occassional nice comments for the same reason Sandi mentioned to you. Please take things one day at a time.
Good luck and hang in there!
Bob
Thanks for the replies Sandi and Bob.
I completely agree with your assessment, Sandi. I realize that my actions of 'love' were anything but that from her perspective. It is incredible how perspective drives perception. I am thinking that I am being loving, while she thinks I'm smothering her.
I believe the issue of insecurity crept into my life when she left to go to school. Here I am, with a 2 year old and a 4 month old. The closest family member was 3 hours away. Money was tight so getting a babysitter was out of the question. So, what happens to me? I became more and more 'shelled' from real life and my friends. Sure, I still talked to them and would go out and eat lunch, but we didn't get to spend our normal Saturday's going out to play golf or watching football games or shoot guns or whatever else we used to do. Don't get me wrong, I loved taking care of my children, but I also became distorted from the world, in a sense.
When the W came home from school 5 months later, she was so deeply involved with studying and clinicals, that I still did not have the ability to go do much with my friends. Of course, as I explained earlier, this led to the issues of me wanting affirmation for what I was doing for the family. When I didn't get that up to my standard, it upset me. I fully admit that.
So, that is something I have done a 180 with. It is so funny how difficult it is to change ourselves, so why do we continue to focus on changing others? I fully understand that I am a good father. I fully understand that I can be a good husband (without be re-affirmed about being just that). Why do I need someone telling me that to be that? Is it because my love language is affirmation? Is it because I like to be recognized for what I have done? Of course it is, but it is also self-destructive. I have realized, with the help of some very late night self-reflection, that I need to focus on self-affirmation.
Rather than waiting for someone else to notice what I did, as long as I recognize what I did, that will work for me. I spent most of the day yesterday outside picking up leaves/putting out mulch/doing some landscaping in the back yard. My wife was outside with me playing with the kids and I could see her just watching me. Looking at me. Smiling at me. Why was she smiling? Who knows. 4 weeks ago, I would have wondered when she was going to say the yard looked good. Yesterday, I did not care. I was happy with the way it looked and was happy that our backyard was clean and looked nice.
Yesterday was another great day. The W was very nice and it seemed like we were happily married again. The DBing I have been doing (literally, being nice and happy when around her yet not pursuing her at all) seems to be working fairly well.
I continue to take it one day at a time. I'm not taking too much stock in what the W is doing. Who knows why she is doing what she is doing. It does feel nice to see the glow back in her eyes when we talk, but I only take it for face value at this point. Nothing more, nothing less.
Again, thanks for the replies.
Journaling...
Everything seems to be going well this week. The W and I have been very cordial towards one another and we have been spending actual quality time lying in bed, laying on the couch, eating dinner while talking to each other. Don't get me wrong, I have not made myself overly available or attempted to pursue my W. It's just that when we have been in those situations, we have had some very good conversations.
I re-read some of my previous posts and wanted to clarify myself a bit. I realize that I cannot change my W. The only person I can control is myself. That is why I feel as though I have been a bit overly harsh upon myself, especially when doing some self reflection. The thoughts and words I have described myself as seem to have been more abrasive than what I am in reality, if that makes any sense.
I questioned why I may have done this and I think I arrived at that answer. I have focused only on what I brought to the marriage as these are things that I can control. These are the things that I can change. The way that I react to situations are things that I can control. Again, why be upset that my wife did not help with the dishes or housework? Sure, I would love for help, but rather than simply ask for help, I would do the housework and resentment would build. Why be upset when my wife would never talk about her feelings? I always enjoyed talking about our feelings, but after we had our first son, my wife, while dealing with post-partum depression, simply quit doing this. She emotionally detached. Why allow that to affect me? My feelings for her did not change, why not just tell her how I felt and be done with it. I control me.
Why get upset when my W would check out from wanting to do anything with our family? I could still take our kids for a walk by myself. Why try to hold that against her?
In terms of GALing, I have been doing things with my kids. I have always been involved with working out and continue to do so. I have planned a man trip with my buddies this summer. We have also planned to go watch a football game this fall.
You know, one thing I have quickly noticed here, is that the gift of time is awesome. It allows us to focus on what we can do to become a better partner. I really believed, a few days after the BD, that my W was crazy for telling me that she was no longer in love with me. I mean, I did all of this for our family and allowed her to go to school. How could she abandon ship? Well, I hit myself with a 2x4 and realized that maybe I was allowing her to abandon ship because I was not that enjoyable partner that she wanted, that she needed, that she feel in love with.
Sure, she has her faults, but there is nobody on this earth without faults. In the end, if our M does not make it, it won't be because I have not done everything necessary to make myself a better partner.
Again, so far everything has been going well. We have had some very good conversations. Nothing about the R or M, but just talked about her job, my job, kids, the future, things that happily married people talk about.
I hate to see all of the hurt that people have around here. Trust me, I understand exactly how it feels. Again, we have the gift of time here. We have the opportunity to make ourselves better people. Many people never get the chance to improve themselves. There are plenty of really 'bad' people that remain married their entire lives, while there are 'great' people that are divorced multiple times. We have the chance, at this point, to make ourselves better partners. We have the chance to make ourselves better people.
What we do with this time is our decision to make. Will we use it to improve ourselves? Make us irresistible? Or will we waste this time focusing on trying to change that 'other' person? Waste this time trying to worry about everything else that 'other' person is doing?
I say we focus on ourselves. It is hard, trust me, I know, but that is the only thing that we are in control of. Ourselves.
I'm glad you are having a good day. Be careful that your thoughts do not swing too far to the other side. It's often difficult to stay balanced in how we see things. It is good to see your part, just don't try to take it all. This is what I mean, look at the following statement:
Why get upset when my W would check out from wanting to do anything with our family?
Maybe b/c she left you with two babies and was gone for five months?
It's fine not to wait for her to join in the family activities, but don't get carried away here.
I'm glad you are having a good day. Be careful that your thoughts do not swing too far to the other side. It's often difficult to stay balanced in how we see things. It is good to see your part, just don't try to take it all. This is what I mean, look at the following statement:
Why get upset when my W would check out from wanting to do anything with our family?
Maybe b/c she left you with two babies and was gone for five months?
It's fine not to wait for her to join in the family activities, but don't get carried away here.
I totally get what you are saying, thanks Sandi! I have had such a wide range of emotions (like everyone else when the first are put in a sitch like ours) that it is sometimes difficult to understand exactly what is real and what is imagined?
I realize that both parties bring equal parts to relationships. I just want to ensure that I work on myself. While I could vilify her and make her out to be the bad one, doing that only brings pain and makes me really get too upset. I mean, I get mad enough thinking about the things I did along the way, but when I think about the things she did, it just hurts me more and more.
My W works late tomorrow night and has to work Sunday, so my W suggested that we should go to visit my parents and go to a local carnival/festival there. I am going to do that. I, at first, thought about the worst case scenarios. Maybe she is just setting it up so I am not at the house this weekend? Other needless mind-reading tricks. She then told me that she had a hair appointment (which I know she does) that she didn't want to miss on Saturday or she would go with me. A co-worker asked her to pick up his shift on Sunday and she messaged me that if we wanted to go, she would take it, but if we stayed home she would not.
I then saw it for what it is. An opportunity to catch up with my family who I have been neglecting for almost a month (due to embarrassment, fear, worry about my situation that they do not know about, whatever else you want to throw in here) and an opportunity for me and my children to have a good weekend away from the W.
My W has been texting me much more frequently today and yesterday while at work. The kind of message she used to send. I always take a deep breath and count to 10 before doing anything and ask myself would responding to this message push her further away or bring us closer. Many times, I just send back a cordial but short response. I don't go overboard and I don't reply to every message.
It is definitely a difficult spot to be in. It seems like we are connecting more and more. I just don't want to allow us to ever get back into this position again. I don't want to make the road paved home that is slopping towards the front door so much that we don't work on improving our R. Focus on building a new M.
I'll check in later and let you all know if anything changed. Onward and upward!
Well I hope you don't wait too long to check back.
Everything went very well last night. My W, whose allergies have been acting up, was very tired, but she stayed up and we watched some baseball in the bed together. She snuggled up with me. We held hands, hugged and even kissed a bit. We stayed up and talk about nothing in particular after I turned the TV off. It seems like things are moving in a positive direction.
I have really used the time since the BD (well, minus the first week or so) to focus on myself. Make myself the best partner that I can. Take a step back and realize that life can be enjoyable if we allow it. I have really focused on resolving the resentment I had fostered towards my W over the past 2 or so years. I have done much self-reflection and am now actively reducing how I deal with those feelings. I do know that it would be easy to throw away everything I have learned up until now and say, well, I can simply do this every now and again and my M will be OK.
However, I will not do this. It will be something I must do each and every day. If my W does not help with the dishes tonight, it is not the end of the world. Even if she does not help with the dishes the next month, it is not the end of the world. I can either ask her nicely to help (without insinuating anything or sound put out) or I can simply do them myself and realize that she is doing other things.
Life is all about how we approach situations and how we react to those situations. Using a previous example I typed out in my thread, if someone says Hi to us, we have the opportunity to determine how the interaction goes. We can be cordial. We can hug them. We can curse them. We can do whatever we want to. That is the beauty of DBing in my book. Time has been given to each and every one of us to improve ourselves. Even in the most dire situations and circumstances, we get the chance to work on ourselves.
I quit dipping tobacco about 5 years ago (prior to my S being born) and have not one day since regretted that decision. A couple of lessons/saying I still use from my experience doing that is 'the only person in control of you is you. Likewise, you cannot control anyone else.' 'This is a journey that never ends. Each and everyday you have the opportunity to make the decisions that you want to make.'
Each interaction I have with my W (and children and others), I have the opportunity to make 'good' decisions or make 'bad' decisions.
I'm heading to my parents this afternoon and look forward to a good trip visiting with them and seeing old friends at the carnival.
Journaling...
Had a decent time this weekend with my parents, sister, BIL, my niece and my 2 children. Friday night there was a very bad storm in the area and it knocked over multiple trees and knocked the power out at my parents house. We ended up without power the entire weekend, but it wasn't really that bad because of the festival that we went to. Luckily, the power in town was still on!
I had a good time seeing people and friends that I have not seen in ages. It is weird, but people continually asked about my W. Where is she? How is she? You know the drill. She worked Friday night and then went over to one of her girl co-workers house on Saturday night. I went out for a while on Saturday, but in the back of my mind, all I could focus on was my W. I went to an old high-school friend's house and we sat around and were just shooting the bull. Then others came over and joined in. I enjoyed myself, but still had thoughts in my head that I know I have to let go.
I left around 10:30 and went to the house. The bad thing about not having power is that the entire house is quite. It really is only you and your mind. The mind that can think millions of thoughts a second. Your mind that wonders what is going on with your W. Your mind that, even though things were great the week before, continue to ask if it was all just a façade.
My W, again, was not feeling too well and was still sick when we got home yesterday. We went to the store and got some groceries and then cooked together. She acted great and was very happy to see us. I still, in the back of my mind, wondered, though. I have always been a person that really trusts others. I trust you, until you show me that I cannot trust you. I'm at the stage with my W that I am not 100% sure if I can trust her. In my opinion, that adds to the anxiety. When you cannot trust someone, you always attempt to mind-read. Well, why did she say this? Why didn't she say that? Is she being honest with me? You know, the typical actions of someone who does not fully trust the other.
I thought I did OK this weekend GALing. I wish I had a switch that I could turn that would completely get my mind off of my W. However, me wanting to fix everything and have everything be OK, it is hard to do that, especially at this juncture in the R. I did have fun with my friends reminiscing, but I also missed my W being there. It is hard to detach. It is hard to go about your life like nothing is wrong when your mind continues to tell you something is wrong.
For today, me and the W are starting a new workout program. My W was always into crossfit while I was always into just lifting weights. I found a program (a 6 week program) that combines both and I told my W I was starting today. My W said that she wanted to do this with me and that it would be fun for us to do this together.
It is weird, but we used to workout together. Not saying we did the exact same things, but prior to our children, we would always go the gym together and she would do her thing and I would do mine and then we would spend the last 10 minutes 'competing'. After the kids were born, I continued working out, but she started slacking a bit. It got more and more difficult to workout together. Our gym finally offers childcare (started about 6 months ago) so we don't have to go at different times. She told me that she misses when we did that because working out was something we both enjoyed and the competition at the end was always fun for her. I think this is moving forward in the right direction.
I know, like many others here, that we have to take things one day at a time. I see some real progress in our R at this time, but I am DBing for the rest of my life. Everyday I have the chance to be a better partner. I will be a better partner!
Journaling...
Everything seems to be progressing forward in a good manner. 8 weeks ago, I would have constantly been wondering what is going on in her mind. What she was thinking? Me trying to mind-read to figure out what she was thinking and then having to ask if I was correct. Now, I just simply do not do that. A definite 180.
In my line of work, I get paid to deliver news to various audiences in a 'good' way. I get paid to make sure that people feel OK with news being delivered, even if it is bad news. I think some of the skills I have to use in my job bled over into my M. When talking with my W, I always made things seem fine. I always did everything I could to keep things where they did not impact her. Even if it was something she was responsible for, I would do everything I could to 'fix' the problem. I'm a fixer at my job, so I was the 'fixer' in our M.
I have noticed that I have a direct impact on the push and pull in any R in my life. DBing has allowed me to think of this in a clear manner. Sure, I always knew that I impacted relationships, but I have began to realize just how much too much push or too much pull can destroy a R.
I think, in my M, there was a pull away with my W, which I dealt with for quite some time. Then, I began pushing, and she pulled even more. I have to catch myself while talking to my W now when she is talking about problems at work, problems with friends, problems with family, etc. In the past, I would offer my opinions on how she could fix it. Now, I don't offer that advice unless specifically asked by her (which is never). She has a problem at work? I understand why you would feel that way, etc., validate her feelings. It is amazing how doing something like that leads to her opening up.
It may be a placebo effect. It may simply be because I am grasping at straws. However, in my mind, our interactions are better. I feel like she is more open to communicating with me and I am more open to listening. Maybe that is the difference, the way that I listen. Again, DBing is focused on doing things to change ourselves. By changing the way I approach our conversations, it feels as though our conversations and interactions are better. Again, I'm not saying that we are in the clear and everything is A-OK. I'm only saying that by changing the way I approach conversation with my W (rather than focus on how I can help, I focus only on listening and validating), it changes the expectations I have during that conversation.
Again, I am focusing only on myself.
Rob,
Looks like you are on the right track. Keep up the good work!
Journaling...
Had a really great weekend with the W, our children, and our families. We had my Ds birthday party this weekend and both out of parents came up to visit and attend the party. Everything went very good and everyone had a really good time.
On Saturday afternoon, we were sitting around and my W had been invited to an softball alumni event at the college we attended. She had said she wanted to go, but it was difficult with all of our families there. She told me she was just going to take a nap, when, normally I would have just said OK. I went in to our room and suggested that she could nap on the ride to the campus (about 30-40 minutes away from where we live now) and we could go just stay for a few hours and then meet our family for dinner. She was very excited when I suggested this and jumped out of bed and got ready to go. I want to stress that my suggestion was neither controlling nor forceful. I just simply stated, "If you still want to go to your alumni event, I will drive us there and you can nap on the way. Our families can stay at the house with the kids and play and we can meet them later to eat."
We watched the game and then drove around campus and town reminiscing about old times. It's funny, because 2 months ago, I would have just been perfectly fine with her taking a nap and hanging out with our families and our children. However, doing a 180, I suggested that our families could keep the kids and we could go. We had a great time and my W stated on our way back to the house that she was very happy that we went.
We had a great dinner with both of our families and went back to the house for the evening. We kissed for a while before bed but nothing more. She told me she was tired. I reciprocated those feelings. In the past, I would have been a tad bit disappointed that things did not go any further. However, I was just happy to spend time with my W. I had a great time.
I woke up early Sunday and went for a run. It was funny because I was consciously thinking about the night before and how, even 2 months ago, I would have been disappointed that things did not progress any further. Now, I was happy with spending any time with my wife. I realized that my actions towards my wife directly impact her feelings towards me (breaking news, I now know).
We got up and went and ate breakfast with our families. Me and the W then went to the store to pick-up a pool for our kids for the summer. We got a fairly nice sized 10 foot round above ground pool that we put together. All of our family left around noon and our kids took a nap fairly quickly after they left. All week (and this past weekend), my W has been acting more and more physical towards me and affectionate. Simple things like grabbing my hand, just randomly telling me she loves me, you know, the mushy stuff.
We enjoyed each others company while the kids napped and soaked up some sun. I feel like things are continuing to progress in a positive manner. I feel like I am progressing in a positive manner. I feel like I am becoming a more desirable partner, the type of partner that I know I am.
I will keep on keeping on at this point in time. I'm not saying that I have not had a wild swing of emotions this past week. I have had to catch myself not trying to mind-read. I have had to catch myself just taking things as they are. I have had to work on improving my reactions and interactions with my W. It's a hard, difficult process, but it has shown good results so far.