I love it that as I go past my Hs room to go downstairs I notice his light on but coming back upstairs it's off. It's like he's a kid that's been caught reading under the covers. I don't even say anything!! A few minutes later I go out to get my water and the same thing happens.
It's like he's a kid that's been caught reading under the covers.
So how old do you think this kid is?
Part of an MLC is seeing the children emerge from them.
I think you are seeing it right here.
I'm guessing 7 or 8, Cadet. :P
Cherry, I liked reading the Lighthouse too. Might have to make a habit of reading it at night before I go to sleep.
I'm guessing 7 or 8, Cadet. :P
So would this describe it?
Psychosocial Stage 4 - Industry vs. Inferiority
This stage covers the early school years from approximately age 5 to 11.
Through social interactions, children begin to develop a sense of pride in their accomplishments and abilities.
Children who are encouraged and commended by parents and teachers develop a feeling of competence and belief in their skills. Those who receive little or no encouragement from parents, teachers, or peers will doubt their abilities to be successful.
Successfully finding a balance at this stage of psychosocial development leads to the strength known as competence or a belief our own abilities to handle the tasks set before us.
It is very possible that something around this age happened to him and stopped his growing up process.
So he has returned to this time to finish it now.
Really doesnt change anything for us, but
it might help you understand what he is going through.
Could be, Cadet His father left at age 5 and his mom, although nice, is emotionally distant and not a praise person.
He took his ring off today. Feel like I got punched. Not sure why as he's been clear in his intentions. Just really hurts.
The wedding ring is so weird. It is always a great debate here. My wife took hers off 2 1/2 years ago, maybe a little longer. She said that it didn't fit anymore because she had lost so much weight back then. Told her that they could be adjusted and she just said she didn't want to spend the money. It bugged me for a long time. Finally a year later i encouraged her to go with me to a jeweler and have her solitaire engagement ring used to make a new ring...new begining for our marriage (how dumb was I). It is awesome and i was very happy that she still wears it. It is still not the same as that little band. Why??? I tool my ring off last June and gave only worn it a few days since. I just didn't feel married.
Having a really tough time tonight. Keep trying to figure what I did that was so wrong that this would happen to me. I know that's not even close to true. I know it's all him intellectually but emotionally I'm spinning.
Keep trying to figure what I did that was so wrong that this would happen to me.
I know that's not even close to true.
I know it's all him intellectually but emotionally I'm spinning.
Asked and answered
No need for me to tell you that the only thing you may have done wrong is NOTHING
I just still have a hard time understanding how he meets all his goals that he stated that he wanted and now it's not what he wanted in the first place. Our biggest issue was my reluctance in our SL and taking for granted our relationship. A lot of my 180s are around being more aware of our R and taking care of my looks and being available. But it's hard to work on the R if he's not really ready to talk yet. I've really been thrown for a loop with this silly ring thing.
I think I'm most upset about it because we're still married and living in the same house. But per our conversation the other day, he wanted me to realize that we were separated. He was probably trying to warn me that he was about to take the next step.
I just still have a hard time understanding how he meets all his goals that he stated that he wanted and now it's not what he wanted in the first place.
You are making some huge assumptions,
like that he KNOWS what he is doing.
He is in a FOG and just trying to stay alive right now.
Yes he is likely to make some more bad decisions coiming up in the future.
You can not control them, and he needs to learn for himself.
I'm frustrated with myself because I thought I was detaching well and a stupid ring has me reeling.
Just wrote you a big response and deleted it by accident.
Basically the jyst was- this is his crisis not yours- remember that and you stay the steady lighthouse.
It is tough with the ring thing, I used to think the same. And to start I used to mention it to h when he either didn't wear it or wore it on a different finger. And he would snap back at me things like you better get used to seeing me without it. It could be if you're being calm and 180s are working he is confused by your lack of response so like a child- tests you. I could be wrong but I swear this is what my h did.
Cadet is right though, this is his fog. And unfortunately nothing we can SAY will help them. But consistent actions of love will help. Hang in there and keep journaling. We are all here for you and you are doing great you really are.
Thanks Cherry, I needed that. For some reason I'm really struggling with this and maybe this week. I'm keeping up my PMA but underneath I feeling very anxious and panicked. Just having a hard time staying grounded.
It's completely normal. Even though things are improving for me, the anxiety is still there at times. I think detaching helps and GALing. Keep venting on here, we are all here for you. The PMA will not be going unnoticed. When I ask my H what it was that made him start to change his mind and it was things like that- just seeing me get by with life unfazed. And the fact that when we had conversations I was upbeat and he said it started making him realise what he fell in love with. I'm here for you if you ever need a chat
My IC thinks I should tell my H how the ring has affected me. What do you think?
This journey is so hard. You are right Cherry. My H has complimented me several times lately as to how well I'm coping and handling things. It makes me frustrated as he's the reason I have to cope and yet happy that he's noticed my PMA.
The ring...if you want to talk to him about it, it is up to you. You should ask yoirself what you expect to get from that conversation. You don't want hollow gestures that will cause more resentment. It is really you trying to control him. It bites, but if he does not want to wear it right now than what difference should it make. His actual bhavior is all that matters in the long run.
What if you didn't say anything about it. Act as if, right...throw him a curve ball because you are focusing more on you and less on him. Keeping your PMA up while he is disrespecting your marriage and disregarding you is not easy. Detaching yourself from his crisis will make it easier to cope with the situation. You will be happier because you chose to be happy in the face of this $hit and went out and did things you've wanted for you and your sanity.
Thanks Zephyr for the reply. I have been keeping up my PMA and Gal. My H has complained that I don't talk to him anymore about what's bothering me and so my IC thought this might be a good time to open up to him using I statements and nonblaming language. I'm not sure what it would gain me though other than knowing I let him know how I feel without drama.
Maybe is there you can start with something bugging you that will be a little less emotional charged for you. It may be a good way to start - being able to be super composed and positive. Ultimately. Is the ring a deal breaker for you...because if it is I understand. If not, then maybe it is something you can just let it go...we need to learn to let things go to not build and harbor resentment.
I am sure you can come up with other behaviors that may be deal breakers that you need to work with your I statements and boundaries to protect yourself and your feeling from continuously being hurt. I have set up an IC meeting for next week to focus on just this topic, what behaviors do I need to not allow To hurt me in my life anymore.
That's a good idea to talk more with my IC with, Zephyr. I did bring it up with my H last night, and he acknowledged that he thought it might be hard for me to take. He then asked about my plans for the weekend, so I followed his direction and did not get upset. I seem to be coming out of my weeklong spin which is good. I felt good that I spoke for myself, and that I did not have any expectations in his reaction. So his lack of one, minus the validation didn't hurt too much.
Thanks for the help and support in this area, Zephyr!
So my son and I are headed for VA for the week. Do I stay dark or do I send updates because I have our son?
Ok, and here's another question. If I have no proof of a PA or EA do I set boundaries with my H with my S? I mean I have girl friends and boy friends that I bring my S with to as friends. If my H is still saying that someone is just a friend, and I'm still on the fence as to whether he's lying or not...I can't deny him having my S at her house playing with her son can I?
With regards to update- I would stay quiet. I would message him if absolutely necessary, and I found he would begin to message me first asking how baby is- and then how am I.
With regards to keeping the potential ow away from your s- I really don't know what the right answer is. I know I possibly came out like a huge b*tch as I told him straight she would be having nothing to do with our baby.
Thanks Cherry.
I asked my H if he was still just friends with the OW or had it moved to a different level. And he said just friends and then wanted to know why. I explained how we have both made comments in the past when divorced friends had brought their significant others into their child's life and how inappropriate that was. He agreed but said he still didn't know what I was getting at. So I got blunt and said that as he wants to move on that he or I might start dating and do we want Z to meet or play with those dates. He seemed appalled and said that we shouldn't be involving out S in our dating. Then he took our S and went to his friend's house. That's what started my thought process.
I don't want to push him away if he is just friends with her (yea I know highly unlikely but it has happened) but I don't want to just sit back either.
Eirinn, you know the stats on how likely it is that a WAH has a woman in the wings when he wants out of the M. Now, your H may be one of the few that doesn't, but as there is already this woman on the scene, I suspect not.
I think you need intel to confirm the status of their R. What intel options are available to you? If you knew what was actually happening, you could adjust your approach accordingly.
I don't think there is any point asking your H stuff like this. If he is having an A, he will just lie to you about it...
I don't think there is any point asking your H stuff like this. If he is having an A, he will just lie to you about it...
Hello Eirinn,
Toots is correct. I don't think it benefits you asking your H about the status with the OW.
Please hang in there and don't give up, ok?
Bob
Hi Toots, I really don't have any Intel options as we live rurally and I work and have all my friends in one town and he works and has his friend an hour away. He locks his phone all the time as he works with highly confidential information.
Thanks, Bob! I really needed a encouraging word today. It's just one of those days that everything seems heavier. I'm sure it will be a better day tomorrow.
GAL trip with my three year old!!!
Thanks, Bob! I really needed a encouraging word today. It's just one of those days that everything seems heavier. I'm sure it will be a better day tomorrow.
GAL trip with my three year old!!!
You're most welcome, Eirinn! I'm happy it helped.
A GAL trip with your 3 yeard old -- priceless. Good for you.
Enjoy!
Bob
Eirinn, I want to let you know that I am very hopeful for you right now. Crazy right, why??? You have chosen to stand and fight for your marriage despite getting $hit back from your husband. I think that this journey will make you a more complete person, who will understand your own needs and be able to love and enjoy your life way more than before. You will get there... There will be struggles but all I've read of you, there is strength there!
The struggle of not knowing what is happening with your husband IS absolutely terrible. Right now though it matters very little...unless you have made yourself ready to do what is necessary to be able to move on. What I mean is if you were to discover some kind of affair today, are you ready to set down your boundaries with husband AND willing to enforce them. Are you ready to possibly file a divorce if it were to come to that. Are you ready to move on or love separated?
I am not asking if you are willing to give up or quit, quite the contrary. U are here to work on your marriage. You want it to succeed and flourish. This is the time for working on Eirinn, to make yourself into the best person you can. We keep reading these sentiments of making ourselves the best we can be, but once we have fully bought into them (well I was Pretty skeptical anyway for myself) it don't make tons of sense.
Sorry I tend to ramble, point is you are in a position to take some time to work in you. To focus some of that awesome energy of yours and channel it towards figuring out what makes you happy and to do it. Husband still at home, so there is time, right. He has a journey he is on and nothing we can do to solve his issue, anything we do towards that end will only push farther away. Be pleasant, own your side of the struggles and work on them, show understanding and be the best you, you can be. That includes (in no small part) detaching from the husband and outcome of his journey.
I am praying for you and your little one!
This is some great advise from zephyr and I definitely agree.
This is his journey, and no amount of speaking does help. It only Spurs them on to do the opposite- like a rebellious teenager.
The positives here are you are still both under the same roof- and you are still on talking terms. With regards to the "friend" thing, I'm not saying it's the same thing for you- but that is what my h claimed the ow was.. He eventually told me he had feelings for her but didn't think she felt the same way. It was only when he left her that he actually told me it had got physical..
Anyhow- I also have a great feeling about this, and you're a strong lady. What were you like when you first met? What was it that made him fall for you? You need to get back in touch with you- both for your sanity, and for your S. And h will notice, I guarantee. My h began to see me just getting on and has told me that is what brought him back to me. He realised that I am still me - and would say the ow just couldn't come close to making him feel the same way.
I am praying for you. Have a great time calling with S. Truly enjoy your child. My Baby and you lot are the only thing that kept me sane. Ultimately you want to protect him from ever knowing something is wrong.
Zephyr and Cherry, I’m sorry I haven't responded sooner, but I was away on vacation with my son. I have to say that both of your posts made me cry (in a good way). I have been feeling so down recently and confused and you both had points that reminded me why I'm DBing.
Zephyr, you are right, I am choosing to fight for my marriage. I was down at my brother’s house this past week and he mentioned if I had gotten a lawyer yet and my response was that I wanted to save my marriage. He was happy to hear that. Although he suggested I talk to one if my H starts talking about how to split up stuff. My brother is an accountant and worries about money stuff.
I have been using this time to work on myself and my IC has even stated that she has seen me getting stronger every week. But I have been doubting whether just focusing on myself would save my marriage. As Michelle says, there is no guarantee but at least I’ll know I can take care of myself and my little S. Knowing if he’s cheating on me doesn’t really change anything in the long run and all I can do is to continue to be the lighthouse for him.
Cherry, somewhere or another, after 23 years of marriage we lost the fun and spontaneity that comes with young love. I also know we moved in with him at 19 and myself at 21 so it’s natural that he might need to find himself which I understand. Just don’t throw the baby out with the water if you know what I mean. It was interesting while away at my brother’s house. My H texted me 6 – 10 times a day asking how we were and were we having fun and so on. I kept my responses short but friendly and didn’t automatically respond every time. Since I came home he’s been talking a lot to me, but I’m sure tomorrow he’ll retreat again. At least I am prepared.

Thank you, Zephyr and Cherry for your faith in me and your prayers! They are very much appreciated.
Zephyr and Cherry, I’m sorry I haven't responded sooner, but I was away on vacation with my son. I have to say that both of your posts made me cry (in a good way). I have been feeling so down recently and confused and you both had points that reminded me why I'm DBing.
Hello Eirinn!
Zephyr and Cherry's posts were so goosd they almost made me cry in a good way--for you nad for me.
They reminded me also as to why I am sticking with my WW for 6 months and still attempting to DB.
You should be proud of yourself...you are doing very well.
Sending a (((((Eirinn))))) your way.
Bob
Eirinn I hope you had a great time with your son on vacation. You are doing so great, it takes a lot of strength to db- it's certainly not the easy route. It teaches us many things, I learnt I don't NEED my husband, but I do WANT him.
It's great that he was chatty with you and texting you. He most probably missed you. It's good you recognise he may go quiet on you- they always seem to do that after a surge of being nice- it's as if they don't want to give us too much hope. Try not to expect anything of him. He's definitely in that fog- keep strong lovely! Praying for you xo
So, way back at the beginning of my threads, when Mr. Bond was trying to get my whole situation out, I mentioned that last year I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. Because of this, I can catch things easily. This has been going on for years, but they finally discovered why.
My H has always been very caring and eager to take care of me when sick. When he first BD, he mentioned that he couldn't imagine not taking care of me physically or mentally and it caused him not to be able to discover who he is. That was one of those stinging comments because I didn't think I required too much care. Mostly I was self sufficient, but I think I overused the "Can you do me a favor" thing. When I've brought it up to him since he has said that I never asked for much, but he always wanted to help out. He would stay home from work some days after the baby was born if I got sick, so I wouldn't have to handle being sick and taking care of another. Essentially I got lazy when I got sick. At least that's how I feel honestly.
So, I got sick while on vacation and today was diagnosed with pneumonia and put on bed rest. He texted to ask what the doctor said and when I told him, he immediately said he would take the week off to watch over our son.
My 180? I told him I could handle it, and he shouldn't take any time off. If he wanted to help, he could be home on time so that he could go for a walk or play with our son, but I was all set. I could tell it surprised him, so good. Now I just have to not cave in when he offers to get me things from the kitchen.
Thank you Cherry for your prayers. They definitely help!! It was funny with his texts while on vacation because there were times I was enjoying myself and didn't want to hear the text tone. Talk about a turn around.
Arrggghh! So my 180 is taking care of myself while I have pneumonia. I don't lean on my H even when he offers. So I'm doing it. It's not easy trying to breathe and have a three year old climb on my chest but I'm proud of myself.
Then my H comes through the door tonight and asks if I filled out any applications today and if I called my superintendent to see if she finished my recommendation. I stay PMA and say no I'll do that. I get up, start getting my paperwork together and burst into a coughing attack. My H looks at my S and says, "Mommy shouldn't be walking around, her doctor told her to rest."
I repeat, Aaarrrrgggghhh!
Hi Eirinn,
You should be proud of yourself, I am!
I'll say a special prayer tonight for you and your situation.
Please get as much rest as you can.
(((((Eirinn)))))
Regards,
Bob
I echo what Bob says- be proud of yourself. But also go easy on you too. You need to get yourself better. He's still a dad and has responsibilities. Hope you start to feel better soon.
I'm really proud of how your handling this! Especially while being sick
Thanks guys. I'm trying to take care of myself and stand up for myself too. He continued to bring up job hunting every night until I confronted him nicely, and said, "I have been getting resumes out to the schools, but with the pneumonia right now I think it's more important to take care of our S and myself so that I can get better quicker. At the moment, I am not in good enough shape to do interviews if they call."
He agreed and said we should work on them this weekend. "If I'm feeling better, sure thing." Haven't heard anything since.
So, I had to go into my H's room to get a book that my S threw under the door. Both of us has said it's okay to go in each other's room when we're not home. He moved the bed and set up a yoga area. I so want to ask him about it, just because I'm curious, but I know I shouldn't.
It stinks because 7 months ago, I could have asked him anything.
On the plus side, we have two full couches, and he sat down on my couch today with me and talked. He hasn't sat that close to me since January. Of course then my S says, "Daddy why are you sitting on Mommy's couch?" I quickly replied because we share in this house.
I am hoping you are feeling better. Sending extra prayer you way!
Thank you so much, Zephyr! I can always use an extra prayer.
So, my H went hiking yesterday for five hours and sent me seven photos and one video of his trip. It's so hard, because I know if I show anything more than casual interest in him, he will back peddle faster than I can run.
I am actually having a harder time being detached when he shows me some inklings that dbing is working. I just come on here when I'm weakening.
So, my H went hiking yesterday for five hours and sent me seven photos and one video of his trip. It's so hard, because I know if I show anything more than casual interest in him, he will back peddle faster than I can run.
I am actually having a harder time being detached when he shows me some inklings that dbing is working. I just come on here when I'm weakening.
It's so very confusing, isn't it?
I agree that it's even harder to detach if they pursue in any way shape or form.
Thanks guys. I'm trying to take care of myself and stand up for myself too. He continued to bring up job hunting every night until I confronted him nicely, and said, "I have been getting resumes out to the schools, but with the pneumonia right now I think it's more important to take care of our S and myself so that I can get better quicker. At the moment, I am not in good enough shape to do interviews if they call."
Hello Eirinn,
How are you feeling now? I like that fact that you are standing up for yourself.
I've been very busy today at work, and finally logged in about 15 minutes ago.
I read and replied to your encouraging post in my thread. It was very sweet.
Take care, please!
{{{Eirinn}}}
Yes Winhamm, it is extremely confusing! Thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one who has a hard time with this.
Bob, thanks for asking! I am feeling better. Still coughing but that's expected.
I hope your day is great.
You're welcome, Eirinn. I hope the coughing ends soon. I'm sure you do, too!
So far, my day is okay. Thank you.
If there are any big changes in your sitch, please post so we can try to assist you.
{{{Eirinn}}}
So tonight he waited up for me to talk just about life and then he followed me into the master bedroom and continued to talk. It was pleasant but I'm not supposed to do anything, right? I should just keep GALing?
Thanks, Bob. You always make me smile.
Yes Eirinn, we need to keep moving in a direction that we need to go and not let the good or bad spots control us. We nees to start living our lives for us. We need to keep laying the foundation for our new future...this foundation will be strong and will support us no matter what happens in the future. With or without our spouse. Gal is a cornerstone to this foundation... Finding out what makes us happy and makes our lives enjoyable again.
It is time to really start to love and respect ourselves more and start to treat yourself like you deserve to be. Start to ask ourselves what do we need today to be happy and to do it.
I printed that lighthouse story you like and have read it 30x at least...I like it a lot. You are a beacon of hope to all of us for how strong you've been.
Z
I agree just keep doing your own thing, be polite with him and so on if he comes to you chatting- this is a very positive sign. In my opinion, it's important that the actual interactions and time they spend with us- we are relaxed, happy, positive. And when you make these changes I truly believe they stay with you. I still keep doing the actions of DBing even though we are piecing.
And zephyr, can I just say I'm glad you read the lighthouse story too. That would get me through many a tough day- I still read it occasionally.
Stay strong, praying for you!!
Zephyr, thank you so much for your response. I have been GALing, but I'm not sure I've really been thinking about what makes me happy in the long way. I've truly still been living moment to moment. Maybe I should start thinking about some goals that are a little more long term. Hmm...what does make Eirinn happy? Thanks for the thinking prompt!
It's funny that whenever says I'm strong, I immediately deny it. I don't feel strong. I just feel like I'm surviving in a chaotic time. Again, an area that I should look closer at.
I'm so glad you like the lighthouse story. I still read it almost daily!
*hugs*
E
Cherry, thanks for taking the time to drop a line. I feel like sometimes we know what we should do in our heads, but our hearts just want to do something else. In that situation, I post on here. I so wanted to continue the conversation with my H, but I didn't. I did stay light and positive and it was one of the better good nights we have had a long time.
It's nice to see some positives, but then I try to mind read and wonder is he just being nice because I'm giving him what he wants..ie distance and no questions? Who knows. I know I don't and I'm not supposed to be guessing.
Thanks again for encouraging me and praying for me. Whenever anyone in my life around here asks me what they can do, I tell them to pray for us. So thank you!
E
So one of my 180s failed tonight, at least this time. H let me know he was going to be late coming home, so I decided to come up with a plan for supper and start it. I used to just let him deal with it. Other times it has seemed like he has appreciated that. Tonight it was like I ruined his day.
Sigh.
As hard as it is, try not to take it personally. You tried helping him, that was a good thing. He has a choice whether to appreciate it or not. It doesn't make what YOU did any less valued.
Yes Eirinn, we need to keep moving in a direction that we need to go and not let the good or bad spots control us. We nees to start living our lives for us. We need to keep laying the foundation for our new future...this foundation will be strong and will support us no matter what happens in the future. With or without our spouse. Gal is a cornerstone to this foundation... Finding out what makes us happy and makes our lives enjoyable again.
Hello Eirinn,
First, thank you for the recent post in my thread. I also saw your reply yesterday where you wrote that I always make you smile. Good!!!
That's kind of you to say.
Also, you were right about Zephyr's post.
Zephyr, very inspiring!
Take care all.
Bob
Thank you, Mr. Bond for stopping by on my thread. You're right of course. I made sure to keep a PMA through his fit and then later on he was in a good mood again. I just need to remember to disconnect myself emotionally from how he reacts to my 180s. I do them to make myself a better person for myself and my future, not for him.
I will get this right eventually, I'm sure of it! :P
Thanks Bob! I thought it was too. As a matter of fact, I spent my IC time today talking about it.
Dumb, dumb, dumb
So H has been gone to a team building thing with work since Wednesday. He texted me this morning asking how our S was and how our days have been.
I responded, "Good. You?"
H, "Long, boring."
Me, "You knew it would be. :("
H, "Oh well"
Me, "All day today too?"
H, "Yup"
Now I make the dumb move. I decide to call him as he seems down. His response in tone clearly showed me he did not want to talk on the phone at all. Oh why did I call?
Dumb, dumb, dumb.
Dumb, dumb, dumb
So H has been gone to a team building thing with work since Wednesday. He texted me this morning asking how our S was and how our days have been.
I responded, "Good. You?"
H, "Long, boring."
Me, "You knew it would be. :("
H, "Oh well"
Me, "All day today too?"
H, "Yup"
Now I make the dumb move. I decide to call him as he seems down. His response in tone clearly showed me he did not want to talk on the phone at all. Oh why did I call?
Dumb, dumb, dumb.
Hello Eirinn,
You know the old saying about hindsight. Sure, looking back, maybe it wasn't a good idea to call him. Now you'll know for the next time. We all stumble and make mistakes, so don't be too hard on yourself.
Just this morning, I got the idea of posting this "daily affitmation." I have done so today in several threads, including my own. Why not give it a try? It might seem odd at first, but saying this outloud, in front of a mirror, daily seems to make me feel stronger! I have been doing this for 1 week.
In the infinity of life where I am all is perfect whole and complete. I now choose calmly and objectively to see my old patterns and I am willing to make changes. I choose to have fun doing this. I choose to react as though I have found a treasure when I discover something else to release. I see in feel myself changing moment by moment. Thoughts no longer have any power over me. I am the power in the world. I choose to be free. All is well in my world. (((Eirinn)))
I will try it, Bob. I promise!
Ok I need validating or not help.
My H has been gone since Wednesday. Tonight he comes home two hours late and in the space of ninety minutes has managed to make our three year old cry five times. I have not interrupted or made faces. When it's bedtime (we both help with the routine) my S asks me if I'll be home in the morning. I say yes and he says, yea mommy is going to be home! My H says I'll be home to and my s says ok but I want mommy. This was said as I was leaving the room.
H comes downstairs after my S is settled and is grumpy. I kept a PMA and ignored. Should I have validated that it's rough when kids act that way? There have been times in the past when it's been flipped, but I think it bothers my H because he was gone two nights.
Thoughts?
As I've made some progress with my H, I have lots of silly questions now. Sorry ahead of time.
So we recently built a second floor and I am in the master while H is sleeping in the study. Today he did some laundry and told me specifically that he put it just inside my door, like he didn't want to intrude in my space. All though we have not been together in this room, I still feel like it's ours. Should I tell him it's both of our room and he's more than welcome in it or leave it?
Secondly there is a porch off of the master which is great at night with the heat. Should I invite him out on the porch with me? Or is that pursuing?
Sorry again for the questions.
E
I wouldn't go around inviting him into "your" space. But you might be outside with the door opened in case he wants to come?
Thanks, Matt! That's a good compromise.
Two steps forward, nine steps back...right?
So I came home from GALing tonight and my H took my S to the OW for supper. Just as a reminder I have no proof that anything is going on and that he denies that it is anything more than innocent. And yes, I know not to believe that but without proof or confirmation, I don't know that I can set a boundary even though it makes me uncomfortable when he tells me they went over there for supper.
I know my IC is going to want me to confront him with my feelings, but I think from being on here, I should just continue focusing on myself and my S, right? I know I've brought this up before, but it's not about me that I'm struggling with...it's my S.
My H and I did have a conversation recently where we both agreed if we were dating anyone in the future, our S would be left out of it unless we both agreed. But then I'm not supposed to believe him.
AAAARRRGGGHHHH! I am so confused here!!!
Eirinn,
First, I'd like to commend you for GAL, I hope you had a good time. But, I am so sorry to hear that you're having a bad evening. As you wrote in my thread, it's like we are going down a road of valleys and peaks.
It is terrible that your H not only is involved with OW, but includes your S. I want to help you SO much and I believe you do need to set some boundaries. But before deciding if, and what they would be, I'd love to hear from one of the vets like Wonka, MrBond, etc. Anyone else around?
All, what do you think about Eirinn's question?
Eirinn, I will dedicate a prayer to you and your family right after I click on the Submit button.
*Hugs* *Hugs* *Hugs*
Bob
Eirinn, I am so sorry that things took a downturn since I last visited.
IDK what the right advice is. Would it be appropriate to tell your H simply that you are uncomfortable with your H taking your son to another female's home for dinner, period, whomever she is?
Dear Eirinn,
I can't think of any further advice right now. I came across this Bible verse a while ago. I hope it makes you smile....even if it's only for a few seconds. I love the Book of Psalms.
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds…. Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit” (Psalm 147:3, 5).
*Hugs*
Bob
Thank you for helping, Zelda. The only problem I have is that I have taken my son to play dates with just guy friends, so if I tell my H he can't go then I wouldn't be able to bring my s to his friend's house either. I've known my H since he was 17 and he has always had more female friends than males.
I just want to make sure I'm doing the right thing for my s.
I don't know. Maybe this is a cheese less tunnel.
Thanks, Bob!!! You always seem to have the right things to say.
*Hugs*
Aw, Eirinn, you're welcome!! I wish there was more I could do.
Try to have a peaceful evening.
*Hugs*
Eirinn, spitballing ... just wondering if you think this is a problem for your son (play dates) or if you are just p-o'd at H right now for what might be going on?
Zephyr, you might be right. It could be a jealousy factor. I guess the reason I ask is I read of people setting that boundary of no visiting the OW and it made me start thinking I'm doing something wrong. But as I have no proof or admittance I feel I'm controlling rather than boundary setting.
Does any of that make sense?
It makes absolute sense. I am right there with you!
I have been struggling with the difference between how to set a healthy boundary and just saying something that is really meant to control spouses behavior. Is this something you need proof of first, does this boundary need to be spoken aloud, what are the consequences? What are you willing to do if your protective circle is crossed or violated.
Well talking to my IC today, I know that my S is safe and he's not left alone while there...so I think it's something I have to just learn to be in the grey with, unless or until I get proof or admittance of something going on.
The DBing continues. Today he came home earlier than he has been and wanted to watch a show together. Small steps.
Eirinn, I have been struggling pretty hard with my M, your resolve, locong heart, insight, practicality and strength are making it easier for me to take those small steps, Too.
I sure hope your weekend is a good one!
Zephyr, thank you for your kind words. I am so thankful to God that he led me to Michelles' book and then this board. Being in a very rural situation, I'm not sure I could have handled this by myself. Now, on some days, I think maybe I will be able to save my marriage...not the same one I had, but a better, stronger one.
I pray for all of us that it will happen. We just need to keep supporting each other and be willing to look inside of ourselves and be honest.
*hugs*
E
I pray for all of us that it will happen. We just need to keep supporting each other and be willing to look inside of ourselves and be honest.
*hugs*
E
Hello "E"
What a beautiful sentiment that is above! How are you feeling and doing now?
I value many things in life and a mate, and one of the biggest is "caring." I am certain others would agree with me that you are a very caring person.
By the way, thank you for the post in my thread. I replied back over there. I will quickly add I had a good day today, thank you.
I found a Bible verse that I am dedicating to you. It's about finding help which we all have done by joining this forum and supporting one another. It's what you referred to you the quote above.
Maybe it will being a
to your face.
“‘I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,’ declares the LORD, ‘because you are called an outcast, Zion for whom no one cares’” (Jeremiah 30:17).
*Hugs*
Your friend,
Bob
I really do pray for you all. It's a long journey- and a very hard one. And some days we need a little encouragement. Today, I need the encouragement. I'm finding things very difficult- this is not the easy option by far.
Bob, what a beautiful quote! I wrote it down in my journal to remember.
I'm struggling with doubt this week again. There have been so many small signs that he's coming back to me, but still no R talk or indication from him that he's changed his mind. He is such an avoider of negative situations that I sometimes feel like he's relieved I'm not making a fuss and that way we can be friends until he's ready to leave our house.
Cherry, thank you for your words of encouragement. It certainly is hard.
I went over to check on your sitch and left you a message.
Hugs
Eirinn,
It saddens my heart to see that u are going theough hell for sure. This is the struggle we will need to not just endure, but kick its a$$ to learn to live the rest of our lives from. All these months, i see it hasn't been easy, but I get a sense that you are DEFINITELY figuring out how you can Be as awesome As u can be.
With that said...it sooo stinks not knowing their mind.
It truly does stink, Zephyr.
I'm wondering if I have to rework my goals...
He hasn't brought up D for a month, but that has happened before. Texted and wanted my S and I to meet him for supper tonight. That's a positive I think.
hmmm.
Bob, what a beautiful quote! I wrote it down in my journal to remember.
Dear Eirinn,
I'm happy that you like the Bible quote so much. I just got home from taking my D2 out for your b-day. She lives an hour away with my ex-wife, she finally home from college.
Anyway, I have to say I'm really tired but I wanted to thank you for your recent post in my thread and check on you.
I think your H wanting to have dinner with you and your S is a positive. I know you've been going thru hell, so please, for now, try not to have too many expectations, that's for your own good.
You may need to change your plan. Vet's, Eirinn could really use your advice!
Many *Hugs*
Bob
Hi Eirinn, if you don't mind sharing... What are your goals? Maybe we can look at them with you. I know I have trouble sharing some things...one of the reasons I am here actually, to learn to share more.
I know I've had to adjust goals a few times based on more understanding and direction. Also I have had problems looking at things so closely that I have obscured big picture stuff...forest for the trees.
Sure Zephyr, here they are. My very first post on here was how to word goals, so I could use any help.
Goal 1: I will ask him about his work and how he is feeling when he comes home (but not pursue if he walks away)
Goal 2: I will support him in dealing with my S (I used to let him know what worked for me with our S, but he told me that he felt I didn't trust him with our child)
Goal 3: I will tell my H that I appreciate when he does something for me, my S, or our house
Goal 4: I will lose two pounds a week, three weeks out of four
Goal 5: I will GAL twice a week
Goal 6: I will work out three times a week
Goal 7: I will make casual decisions without asking my husband his opinion
Here they are. Let it rip!
Hi Eirinn, those sound great to me!
My only query is about Goal 2, from which I'm picking up vibes of you being A team parent and him being B or C team only, and sensitive about that too.
Does fact that you believe he needs 'support' to deal with his S just reinforce that?
I think you should tread carefully with this one. What form had you seen 'support' as taking? If he feels you didn't trust him with your S, would it be a better goal to step back and trust that he will be a good dad - rather than supporting??
Maybe I'm misinterpreting the goal, and I'm not even a parent either - step parent only - so do wait for others (particularly Dads?) to chime in too.
Otherwise, I think the goals look fab and good luck!
Thanks, Toots! You're absolutely right about what he feels at least from what he's told me. So what my support meant is that I'm going to STFU and not tell him what works for me unless he asks. I'm also supporting him by not stepping in. I should reword the goal so it's clearer.
Our S is incredibly bright, but tomorrow is our first day of referring him for testing for a possibly diagnosis of Asperger's, Sensory Processing Disorder, or Asynchronous development. So that has added some stress to our home as well. It's hard for me to step back with my H when I feel like I want to help my S, but I don't need to help him. My H is a great dad when he's focused on our S.
Thanks for the feedback. With these goals, the house is less tense and we are talking more (about general things not R) and spending a bit more time together.
Thanks again Toots! I really appreciate your input!
Of course, I messed up yesterday.
He texted me from work, "I have no staff here after 3:45 so I need to stay till 5 so I will be home at 5:30. I would like to say meet me for supper, but our S is suffering from allergies and we don't have the money."
I responded with, "Okay, no problem. Our S is feeling better today so if you wanted to go out to eat I could pay for it this time."
He responded, "Save your money. I will be home early enough for us to eat at home. I'm glad S is feeling better."
The night seemed much more tense and he was on the phone all night. Guess I shouldn't have offered to pay as that brings up his complaint that he can't support our family the way he wants to.
E,
I like the appreciation goal. I work in an office full of guys who are not told / shown that they are appreciated for the things they do. The sentiment needs to be genuine tho.
Im intrsted in about weight loss / workout goals. What excersizes were you planning for working out, specifically any kind of exercises. Do you have any dieting plans to go with that...goal is aggressive but doable, right!!!
Thank you for sharing.
Thanks, Zephyr for the feedback! I truly do appreciate the things he does, I just think that after 23 years of marriage I was taking those things for granted, and I shouldn't.
For my weight loss, (I've lost 40 pounds December), and still want to lose another 64lbs. I gained a ton with my son and need to lose them. It's tricky to use diets with me as I have hypoglycemia and so have to eat 6 meals a day and have a certain amount of protein and carbs. The easiest thing for me to do is follow a diabetic diet, which works. I have only three weeks of weight loss to allow for me to screw it up occasionally and not beat up on myself.
For working out, I have a Y membership and have gotten a program from them that is good for me. I also started training and competing in dog agility again which I had stopped when my son was born. I'm also trying to do one three year old appropriate hike a week with my son, and inviting my H if he wants to come as he likes hiking a lot. We do a lot of running around at home, but I think finding a hike somewhere is more fun and a good workout for me.
*hugs*
E
So what my support meant is that I'm going to STFU and not tell him what works for me unless he asks. I'm also supporting him by not stepping in. I should reword the goal so it's clearer.
Hi Eirinn,
First, I want to thank you for all your support -- you rock!
Goal #2, restated a little, makes more sense to me, too. You have gotten great advice from Toots (as usual)and from my friend Z.
I will dedicate a prayer to your family tonight, in particular your S. That has to be stressful, let's hope for the best.
*Hugs*
Bob