Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/20/15 02:04 AM
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/20/15 02:10 AM
New Thread
In the last thread I decided that I was abused for the last time by H. No more.
So I stated my boundary as such, took action and went dancing.
Eleven was always my lucky number, let us hope 12 is luckier.......
H is silent.
I am feeling peaceful.
V
In the last thread I decided that I was abused for the last time by H. No more.
So I stated my boundary as such, took action and went dancing.
Eleven was always my lucky number, let us hope 12 is luckier.......
H is silent.
I am feeling peaceful.
V
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/20/15 06:30 AM
Lovely V,
It makes me feel a lot better that you did not need to go back to the house yet. A few more days of peace and quite will make you feel all recharged.
It's also good that your H is having some time to think things over. Of course, he needs a lot more then a few days if there is a chance to change. But he may start thinking that he may lose V if he continue the same behavior.
Well, right now it doesn't help to think of what is or will be tomorrow. It helps to have some fun, enjoy life and relax...
Take the time to love yourself V,
Love,
Pink
It makes me feel a lot better that you did not need to go back to the house yet. A few more days of peace and quite will make you feel all recharged.
It's also good that your H is having some time to think things over. Of course, he needs a lot more then a few days if there is a chance to change. But he may start thinking that he may lose V if he continue the same behavior.
Well, right now it doesn't help to think of what is or will be tomorrow. It helps to have some fun, enjoy life and relax...
Take the time to love yourself V,
Love,
Pink
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/20/15 09:19 AM
Saluting you today, V, with a cheeeese tasting tour in Amsterdam 
Thanks for your wise presence on these forums. We all get so much from your words.
Thanks for your wise presence on these forums. We all get so much from your words.
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/20/15 01:36 PM
Here's to 12! 12 is a good round number. Cheers to you for standing up for yourself and demanding what you deserve. You are a breath of fresh air, sweet lady!
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/20/15 08:29 PM
Drawing my inspiration today from you, V.
Hugs, and delicious wine and cheese to you!
Hugs, and delicious wine and cheese to you!
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/20/15 08:35 PM
Cheese tasting?? Is that where the cheese is? Amsterdam??
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/20/15 10:38 PM
Hey V, thinking about you and wishing you are having lots of fun. Enjoy V, you deserve it.
XOXO
Pink
XOXO
Pink
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/21/15 12:21 AM
I am glad you get to have another weekend of peace 
enjoy yourself!!
enjoy yourself!!
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/21/15 08:51 PM
Hi lovely V, just checking in to see how you are doing this weekend? Hope all is well, and peaceful for you...:-)
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/21/15 10:44 PM
Thank you all.
There really is no difference between Domestic Violence and Abuse. It is a question of where in the cycle we sit. My H has as yet not hit me physically yet but verbally, intimidation, belittling etc, certainly. That causes more damage than physical stuff. There is a book that you might like to consider the Verbally Abusive Relationship, by Patricia Evans. The important thing Z is to be free and to indentify the situations and new men you introduce into your life so you now have a life that excludes this. So you can have the loving family that you describe for yourself.
I know that I am not frightened of H physical violence at this point, and it is possible I might never be so. When I doubt myself I replay my MP3 of the rants etc.
Z you created your own list above, revisit it, ask if any of the items on it need to be removed or if any of them are in your mind not abuse. I would ask you if 15 incidents were insufficient then how many would it take, the classic 50 or as in my case a couple of hundred?
I would say to another to be subjected to this once is enough. It has to be stopped at one incident, if it is early in a R then get out.
The TED talk is about a woman at the very end of the abuse spiral, close to serious violent damage.
I have come to understand that too often those of us with well developed positive characters try to analyse the motivators or reasons behind another's behaviour, in essence we give them the 'benefit of the doubt' and assume there are many excuses and that if others become 'aware' then change will arise. My H does what he does because he likes it, it rewards him otherwise he would not do it. H likes to rant, to throw thinks, to intimidate me, it rewards him, releases his aggression. That is control.
The only reason H is not controlling all my life and activities is because I have resisted it. Otherwise this H wants a 'we' relationship. Has H isolated me, yes, it has started but my family and friends mean too much to me.
Further more he is not opening the door for change because he does not want to change. The next time H is in a position to interact in these controlling ways, he will because he has chosen too. These are forces he chooses to allow to take him over. It fulfils his purpose. He is full cognisant, not in denial about it, he knows what he is doing. I got a text saying ' I know I have issues, Sorry I have not dealt with them' . If he had wanted to deal with them he would have. He doesn't, so he hasn't.
V
It is peaceful and quiet, I went to the office this morning and sorted the mail. H was at golf so I also collected more clothes from the big house and cleared my mail there.
I have no desire to see this man my H again. It feels like he is a complete stranger to me and someone that I would prefer to stay away from. A couple of books have arrived for me to read, so I can do so. My kit for the Freedom Course has also arrived so I have some personal work to do.
It is time for me to move on and rebuild.
I posted my thoughts on Zs thread to day and they are quoted above. H as yet has shown no signs of wanting change in his life.
We shall see, still early days, no denial by me any more, and no anger, I guess I am beginning to adapt.
Pink I was thinking about your mum today too and her struggles.
Gan I am very envious of your cheese exploits, must do a fondue soon.
Toots thanks for checking in, the UK mob are quiet tonight. Dawn thank you for you caring support. I will catch up Susan on your thread.
V
Originally Posted By: Vanilla from Zelda thread today
There really is no difference between Domestic Violence and Abuse. It is a question of where in the cycle we sit. My H has as yet not hit me physically yet but verbally, intimidation, belittling etc, certainly. That causes more damage than physical stuff. There is a book that you might like to consider the Verbally Abusive Relationship, by Patricia Evans. The important thing Z is to be free and to indentify the situations and new men you introduce into your life so you now have a life that excludes this. So you can have the loving family that you describe for yourself.
I know that I am not frightened of H physical violence at this point, and it is possible I might never be so. When I doubt myself I replay my MP3 of the rants etc.
Z you created your own list above, revisit it, ask if any of the items on it need to be removed or if any of them are in your mind not abuse. I would ask you if 15 incidents were insufficient then how many would it take, the classic 50 or as in my case a couple of hundred?
I would say to another to be subjected to this once is enough. It has to be stopped at one incident, if it is early in a R then get out.
The TED talk is about a woman at the very end of the abuse spiral, close to serious violent damage.
I have come to understand that too often those of us with well developed positive characters try to analyse the motivators or reasons behind another's behaviour, in essence we give them the 'benefit of the doubt' and assume there are many excuses and that if others become 'aware' then change will arise. My H does what he does because he likes it, it rewards him otherwise he would not do it. H likes to rant, to throw thinks, to intimidate me, it rewards him, releases his aggression. That is control.
The only reason H is not controlling all my life and activities is because I have resisted it. Otherwise this H wants a 'we' relationship. Has H isolated me, yes, it has started but my family and friends mean too much to me.
Further more he is not opening the door for change because he does not want to change. The next time H is in a position to interact in these controlling ways, he will because he has chosen too. These are forces he chooses to allow to take him over. It fulfils his purpose. He is full cognisant, not in denial about it, he knows what he is doing. I got a text saying ' I know I have issues, Sorry I have not dealt with them' . If he had wanted to deal with them he would have. He doesn't, so he hasn't.
V
It is peaceful and quiet, I went to the office this morning and sorted the mail. H was at golf so I also collected more clothes from the big house and cleared my mail there.
I have no desire to see this man my H again. It feels like he is a complete stranger to me and someone that I would prefer to stay away from. A couple of books have arrived for me to read, so I can do so. My kit for the Freedom Course has also arrived so I have some personal work to do.
It is time for me to move on and rebuild.
I posted my thoughts on Zs thread to day and they are quoted above. H as yet has shown no signs of wanting change in his life.
We shall see, still early days, no denial by me any more, and no anger, I guess I am beginning to adapt.
Pink I was thinking about your mum today too and her struggles.
Gan I am very envious of your cheese exploits, must do a fondue soon.
Toots thanks for checking in, the UK mob are quiet tonight. Dawn thank you for you caring support. I will catch up Susan on your thread.
V
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/21/15 11:30 PM
Vanilla - I'm silent but not because i don't follow your sitch. It's just so far off my life experience and what I can understand that I barely have to tools to understand what it means let alone to contribute anything. I find you courageous for taking decisive steps to protect yourself. I admire that your heart seems to be on the heels of your steps. Keep walking.
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/22/15 12:15 AM
Hi v
Sounds like things have moved on a bit with you while I've been away working on me.
Bft and I send positive vibes your way. I hope you are feeling as positive inside and in your heart as your posts indicate. You've been and continue to be a very positive influence on here and to me specifically.
Hold in there my friend
(((((Vanilla)))))
Sounds like things have moved on a bit with you while I've been away working on me.
Bft and I send positive vibes your way. I hope you are feeling as positive inside and in your heart as your posts indicate. You've been and continue to be a very positive influence on here and to me specifically.
Hold in there my friend
(((((Vanilla)))))
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/22/15 02:18 AM
V,
Just checking in to see how you are doing. In typical V fashion, seems like you are pressing forward and being content with V (reading lots too.) just sending some thoughts your way as you are such a positive person for all of us. While my sitch is different than yours, I feel the same way....looking for signs that W wants to change her life.
Keep GAL (you're a master) and positive thoughts.
Just checking in to see how you are doing. In typical V fashion, seems like you are pressing forward and being content with V (reading lots too.) just sending some thoughts your way as you are such a positive person for all of us. While my sitch is different than yours, I feel the same way....looking for signs that W wants to change her life.
Keep GAL (you're a master) and positive thoughts.
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/22/15 05:39 AM
Good to hear you're on the move, looking forward with peace and serenity.
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/22/15 09:43 AM
Go nilla, been a tad busy with horsey stuff this weekend.
Combined with driveway repairs. It's just been head down bottom up.
Combined with driveway repairs. It's just been head down bottom up.
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/22/15 10:30 AM
Oh my!
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/22/15 10:35 AM
H Vanillia. Sounding really positive. No contact at all from H ? Hopefully he's passed the anger stage and poor me stage and starting to address his issues.
Take care. Rd
Take care. Rd
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/22/15 12:11 PM
Originally Posted By: Mozza
Vanilla - I'm silent but not because i don't follow your sitch. It's just so far off my life experience and what I can understand that I barely have to tools to understand what it means let alone to contribute anything. I find you courageous for taking decisive steps to protect yourself. I admire that your heart seems to be on the heels of your steps. Keep walking.
Thank you Mza, all I really want those who read my sitch is to spot the signs of abuse and call on it. If a friend is in difficulties just to say, " an Internet friend of mine V was verbally abused, some of these things you say seem similar: are you ok?"
That is more than enough for me to know that you can do this if it is appropriate.
V
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/22/15 12:46 PM
Edz love to BFT and of course Edz and S (plus W). I discovered my now box is a Roku and will accept an output from my iPad so I can project my TED talks to mt now (roku) box and queue them. Providing I use Utube.
MCS, this is a lot ng long journey, the best thing I can do, the most loving thing is to leave H alone for his sake (as much as mine). I am trying to see positives in all this. I am praying for that. But it is a very long process.
My image of Gg bottom up is making me smile like crazy especially if she is in the red kick ass shoes. Gg I have a bottle of shampoo from last week left to drink today, so likely that it is the best bottoms up for me today. Cheers. I understand ODs surprise...........
I am spending the morning looking at resilience and trauma. I understand that this has been a trauma and I need to recover and take action. I have worked my freedom program and I think I have to ask what can I take from this for my own good, Hs and my M.
I am in the Labyrinth and when I come out then I will be in a different place. I shall be exercising again from tomorrow again. No, not a cheese less tunnel, because like Toots (Iamthecheese Toots) I am the cheese. Today I am mozzarella with salad (rocket, pine nuts, and basil).
Someone gave me the torch of DB, someone else handed me the torch bulb of Ted talks, and from my other resources I received the battery. I need these to navigate my labyrinth.
I have to provide the food, the cheese which is inside me somewhere, a tiny sliver tucked in a small corner of my backpack covered with my personal issues. My backpack is a little like garbage pail, and the cheese is wrapped but at the bottom.
Garbage can become manure to fertilise the new growing ideas that have entered by world.
GAL point scores resume next week.
As Cadet says I have the gift of time. I really think this is one of the keys to recovery.
V
MCS, this is a lot ng long journey, the best thing I can do, the most loving thing is to leave H alone for his sake (as much as mine). I am trying to see positives in all this. I am praying for that. But it is a very long process.
My image of Gg bottom up is making me smile like crazy especially if she is in the red kick ass shoes. Gg I have a bottle of shampoo from last week left to drink today, so likely that it is the best bottoms up for me today. Cheers. I understand ODs surprise...........
I am spending the morning looking at resilience and trauma. I understand that this has been a trauma and I need to recover and take action. I have worked my freedom program and I think I have to ask what can I take from this for my own good, Hs and my M.
I am in the Labyrinth and when I come out then I will be in a different place. I shall be exercising again from tomorrow again. No, not a cheese less tunnel, because like Toots (Iamthecheese Toots) I am the cheese. Today I am mozzarella with salad (rocket, pine nuts, and basil).
Someone gave me the torch of DB, someone else handed me the torch bulb of Ted talks, and from my other resources I received the battery. I need these to navigate my labyrinth.
I have to provide the food, the cheese which is inside me somewhere, a tiny sliver tucked in a small corner of my backpack covered with my personal issues. My backpack is a little like garbage pail, and the cheese is wrapped but at the bottom.
Garbage can become manure to fertilise the new growing ideas that have entered by world.
GAL point scores resume next week.
As Cadet says I have the gift of time. I really think this is one of the keys to recovery.
V
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/22/15 12:57 PM
RD
Small contact from H, two texts:
I bought you some of your favourite bread, it might go stale now.
I am going to work this weekend, are you in Brighton?
I did not respond. Tuesday is soon enough.
V
Small contact from H, two texts:
I bought you some of your favourite bread, it might go stale now.
I am going to work this weekend, are you in Brighton?
I did not respond. Tuesday is soon enough.
V
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/23/15 07:53 AM
Today at 8 this morning then my new plan starts for my business and for me.
Two weeks of learning, reading and creating a plan which is being auctioned today.
1. Bring all of my clients up to date within 2 months
2. Move offices in 6 months
3. Invoicing systems and recruit new book keeper to help by the time I move
4. Continue GAL from today with points
5. Dancing and exercise classes to lose weight at half to one pound a week
6. Go as dark as I can manage, whilst managing my business
7. I will not be abused by H or anyone else
In typical Fashion my Excel Spreadsheet contains many ancillary actions
V
Two weeks of learning, reading and creating a plan which is being auctioned today.
1. Bring all of my clients up to date within 2 months
2. Move offices in 6 months
3. Invoicing systems and recruit new book keeper to help by the time I move
4. Continue GAL from today with points
5. Dancing and exercise classes to lose weight at half to one pound a week
6. Go as dark as I can manage, whilst managing my business
7. I will not be abused by H or anyone else
In typical Fashion my Excel Spreadsheet contains many ancillary actions
V
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/23/15 08:09 AM
Temp testing from H and Vanillia is working to a plan. Sounds good.
Stay strong and take care. Rd
Stay strong and take care. Rd
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/23/15 08:20 AM
RD
Great observation
My temp is cool...........
V
Great observation
My temp is cool...........
V
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/23/15 08:27 AM
Thinking of you today v, take it easy.
Edz
Edz
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/23/15 08:28 AM
Project 'V' with a supporting spreadsheet - excellent!! x
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/23/15 08:34 AM
I love that you have an excel spreadsheet for all of this. I hope there is a good amount of conditional formatting!!
You just need a Gant chart to go with it
You just need a Gant chart to go with it
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/23/15 08:45 AM
Extraordinary text exchange with H
We do H filing and admin for him since he threw his toys out of the pram
H: where is the filing for X? I left in a pile on my desk
Me: I asked a junior staff member to do this
H: I do not want this done, (rule change)
Me: you state ' I am not here to do the (expletive) filing and admin on Tax. That is an (expletive) waste of my time. do not take the p***. X can do that.'
So X is.
H: OK, please now do not touch anything on my desk.
Oh yes I have that little gem recorded to on MP3. Same old H.
V
We do H filing and admin for him since he threw his toys out of the pram
H: where is the filing for X? I left in a pile on my desk
Me: I asked a junior staff member to do this
H: I do not want this done, (rule change)
Me: you state ' I am not here to do the (expletive) filing and admin on Tax. That is an (expletive) waste of my time. do not take the p***. X can do that.'
So X is.
H: OK, please now do not touch anything on my desk.
Oh yes I have that little gem recorded to on MP3. Same old H.
V
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/23/15 09:20 AM
Originally Posted By: jim0987
I love that you have an excel spreadsheet for all of this. I hope there is a good amount of conditional formatting!!
You just need a Gant chart to go with it
You just need a Gant chart to go with it
I can do a progress chart with moving average for my GAL!
V
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/23/15 09:40 AM
Temp checking did not go as he hoped so more toys out of the pram !!
Expect more !!!
Take care
Expect more !!!
Take care
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/23/15 09:50 AM
Groan, sorry to hear this V. I'd say stay strong but it's clear to me you are already very strong and have a determined plan to make sure you are not in a situation to have to face any kind of abuse.
Positive thoughts to you. Stay safe.
(((((Vanilla)))))
Edz
Positive thoughts to you. Stay safe.
(((((Vanilla)))))
Edz
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/23/15 10:08 AM
V, just back home now. I'll post an update over the next couple of days. For now I wanted to say ugh! re recent exchange with H. Like Mozza, I feel your situation has wandered into territory that I am very unfamiliar with so it's hard to offer any sage advice. You have certainly opened my eyes to abusive behaviour.
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/23/15 10:35 AM
Yeah, stanrdard issue behaivour round here. Complete for my h.
Betcha $50 well £ that he doesn't even remember he's said any of it and will have some very reasonable justifcation of why h did what he did and why v caused it.
Betcha $50 well £ that he doesn't even remember he's said any of it and will have some very reasonable justifcation of why h did what he did and why v caused it.
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/23/15 05:47 PM
Originally Posted By: ganb8te
V, just back home now. I'll post an update over the next couple of days. For now I wanted to say ugh! re recent exchange with H. Like Mozza, I feel your situation has wandered into territory that I am very unfamiliar with so it's hard to offer any sage advice. You have certainly opened my eyes to abusive behaviour.
Gan, if my sitch makes anyone see the abuse in their own sitch then I shall be comfortable knowing this has helped others apart from me.
H is of course denying the abuse, spot on Gg, except that V has recordings of it.
V
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/23/15 05:50 PM
Originally Posted By: edz
Groan, sorry to hear this V. I'd say stay strong but it's clear to me you are already very strong and have a determined plan to make sure you are not in a situation to have to face any kind of abuse.
Positive thoughts to you. Stay safe.
(((((Vanilla)))))
Edz
Positive thoughts to you. Stay safe.
(((((Vanilla)))))
Edz
I just need to keep reinforcing my boundaries, strongly...........
I now have a clearer idea on that, this requires more than just ordinary effort.
V
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/23/15 05:52 PM
Originally Posted By: rd500
Temp checking did not go as he hoped so more toys out of the pram !!
Expect more !!!
Take care
Expect more !!!
Take care
At zero degrees, I guess before I was unsure what to do.......
V
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/23/15 08:03 PM
originally posted on thread 9, I am struggling to find ways of dealing with Verbal Abuse.
The exercise is in a book which describes abusive communications, so I am journaling my responses here.
These were Vs original thoughts but actually did not really know if I was correct at the time I wrote it.
These have been inserted from two or three sources and after discussion with VSO. I need practice sessions but I will keep adding as I find responses work or not!.
Identify the abuses in your R and prevents you from being your authentic self. (V added the scoring: I like scores)
On a scale of 1 to 10 identify how you enforce your boundaries.
Blaming Level 1 abuse : refusal of responsibility
This is the most frequent abuse tactic, intended to control, put down or make another responsible.
How much do you accept blame in your R?
H=3, V=2
V no longer allows H to blame her, if she is in the wrong she apologises and corrects or atones (12 step 8). No longer works for H.
Response that is best : "Stop accusing and blaming me immediately." "stop it!" "I do not want to hear that again." "You are talking to someone you should respect." " Do not say that in that way."
No justification, these are stories made up by H about my motives. Explaining or justifying continues the abuse cycle. If the criticism is valid that can be acknowledged later. This is like throwing a rock through a window, stopping the thrower from doing more damage.
[
Name calling Level 2 abuse: control
Insulting and bullying.
How much do you use this tactic and accept it in your R?
H=3, V=1
V walks away now, screaming banshee used to return insult for insult. No more, enormous progress on this one.
Best response: "Stop that, do not call me names, ever." "I do not want to hear you call me names again ever." "This is inappropriate."
Raging abusive anger/aggression Intimidation Level 6 abuse: attack
Designed to intimidate and control.
How much anger is in your R?
H=4 V=2
V gets annoyed but parks it. H has calmed down a lot since this has happened. H used to use this to get his own way.
According to VSO, the most dangerous of all. Get away immediately and if necessary with evasion. Just leave.
If slight control " Stop, please talk to me calmly." " Do not raise your voice to me."
Pay no attention to the words, look at the tone and posture.
If threatened : "Stop threatening me." "I do not want to hear this." " Leave me alone." " I am leaving now."
Covert aggressive manipulation Level 4 abuse: unexpected
Different from passive aggression. A power play using charm, implied reward, compliments, suggested punishment or withholding, helplessness, guilt, shame,self-depreciation, empty apology or playing victim. A manipulator may appear non aggressive and act aggrieved. Response is guilt, defensive confusion and capitulation.
How active is this component in your R?
H=10 V=2
This is the new H playbook, dropped the other tactic and this is the new and latest leading. V is often not observant enough to notice and she wants to believe H.
Counter measures need investigating.
Silent treatment, be matter of fact "I am very bored with this and am going to leave."
Sit with headphones More work needed on this, I still do not fully understand the best way to deal with it.
Ordering level 3 abuse: threats
Instead of requests instructing, treating another like a 'slave'
How much ordering or instruction is in your R?
H=1, V= 0
This just does not work with V although H would try it.
Best answer "who are you ordering about?", "please ask nicely" or "I make my own decisions". If uses we as in "we are going" then response is "that is not what I had in mind".
Judging and criticising Level 1 abuse: lack of responsibility
Evaluating, giving unwanted advice, and telling others what they 'should do'?
How much criticism and judgement do you accept to keep your R?
H=4, V=7
V is very sensitive to H criticisms although she does not react. She is also likely to impute the wrong motives every time to H. That is judgement but she does not criticise much to H directly. H judges everyone and everything, nothing is good enough for H. H expects perfection. V finds this rather amusing.
Needs work by V, V needs to find more that H is doing right. V also sits in judgement and criticises herself too much. She is kinder to others even H than she is to V.
These have been real blows to V self esteem. Constant and endless Defining another is real boundary infringement.
Suggested responses "do you hear yourself" "stop judging me" "cut that out, enough already" "that is not acceptable" "nonsense" " keep your views to yourself" "that is my business" " that is not your concern, it is mine" then disengage, further discussion promotes further abuse.
Play, jokes, sarcasm and teasing Level 1 abuse: denial
Wit, ironic, overt praise and always painful to the recipient. Concealed Judgement.
How much smiling judgement do you endure in your R?
H=8, V=2
H when called on his words or behaviour often says "it is a joke, where is your sense of humour?". Very hard to counter,
V needs more techniques to counter this. Considering more IC in March.
This is a I am better than you or at your expense and is very immature. Do try to explain what is unfunny or inappropriate or ask why the 'joke' was said . Do not laugh or wonder about the maturity.
Best response: " I wonder now you have said that, put me down, interrupted me, do you feel more important? I want you to think about it" then disengage. " This conversation is over" or "I will get back to you on that".
Opposing Level 1 abuse: lack of responsibility
Treats as adversary and argues against anything, perceptions, opinions, thoughts and feelings. Says "no" outright without discussion closing down constructive conversation.
How much opposing is in your R?
H=2, V=6
H gets very few requests from V, but not really one of H characteristics. H LL is Acts of Service.
V now has a tendency to say no to H almost without thinking and this needs review
Counters feelings or perceptions, deliberately misconstrues, refutes that you have said something. Best response is "stop", "let me repeat my statement".
Do not explain the view or this too will be countered, no arging, "I do not see it that way" "I have a right to my own views". "Hold it, can you repeat that or write it down". "Stop countering me". "As you say". Then leave.
Blocking and diverting Level 1 abuse: denial
Abort conversations, make accusations and effectively say "shut up"
How often is discussion closed down in your R?
H=4, V=1
V talks too much sometimes but has had to learn the difference between blocking, closing and evading. parking is V choice of response. H choice expression "do not go there" but V defers and parks and often the need to boundary enforce is needed. Does not happen very often these days. Much better on this.
This is thwarting in the worst way. Keep repeating the request (fogging) (An answer which is "no" or "I do not know " is neither blocking nor diverting.)
Instead say " you are creating a diversion" and "if you do not know then I reserve the right to find out".
Discounting Trivialising and belittling Level 1 abuse: denial
Minimising or trivialising feelings, thoughts or experience. Suggests feelings are not valid.
How often are thoughts, feelings or experience discounted in your R?
H=3, V=1
Simply does not work and therefore not used by either H or V.
Devalues the self. "I certainly do not feel supported when I hear this" "I have heard all I need to hear".
Undermining and interrupting Level 4 abuse: accusing then criticising
Undermining with statements such as "you do not know what you are talking about" speaking on another's behalf without permission
How much are undermining and interrupting evident in your R?
H=8, V=9
Oh yes a big one this, V wants to do more work on this as H is vulnerable in the work environment. V can be interrupting others at work.
V has identified a big issue to work on. However this is not as evident in her personal relationship now, but is a work issue.
This is cruel and covert. "I do not like your attitude" "that was low" " stop, cut that out" "this is the opposite of fun" .
Lying, forgetting and denying Level 1 abuse denial of responsibility
Concious lying is manipulation. Addicts and compulsives may deny agreements or promises, a conversation took place, even prior abuse. They may ever declare love and caring. Crazy making, referred to as 'gas lighting' . Particularly evident in gambling and hidden stages of addiction. Can even mean lying by omission.
Are you aware of lying and denying in your R?
H=10, V=1
As far as V is concerned H is a master at this, V tends not to believe anything that H says without independent verification. H has even lied at GA openly, not disclosing the length of time he has been gambling. Nothing V can do on this but try to separate the wheat from the chaff. Perhaps identifying areas where H may not lie and giving more trust. In 12 steps we learn that love is possible without trust.
Do not believe the denial. Do not say how this hurts frightens or disturbs you. Never try to explain or understand why the lie etc has occurred. No anger, use of authority will help, no try to explain. V did not make H anything, "mad" "hurt" "abandoned" or any other thing. Best response "this is crazy making", "stop it", "I do not believe you. Do not let this happen again"
there is one form of abuse that is not in the above. that is withholding which is a level 5 form of abuse. it is very irrational, no fight, no argument, and no anger. A refusal to respond, no contact whilst active in a R. Whilst carrying on conversations with friends, discover plans only through friends. This is shunning and distain could be evidence of an A. Exceedingly toxic.
Apologies for the long post but I wanted to gather my thoughts all together in one post.
V
The exercise is in a book which describes abusive communications, so I am journaling my responses here.
These were Vs original thoughts but actually did not really know if I was correct at the time I wrote it.
These have been inserted from two or three sources and after discussion with VSO. I need practice sessions but I will keep adding as I find responses work or not!.
Identify the abuses in your R and prevents you from being your authentic self. (V added the scoring: I like scores)
On a scale of 1 to 10 identify how you enforce your boundaries.
Blaming Level 1 abuse : refusal of responsibility
This is the most frequent abuse tactic, intended to control, put down or make another responsible.
How much do you accept blame in your R?
H=3, V=2
V no longer allows H to blame her, if she is in the wrong she apologises and corrects or atones (12 step 8). No longer works for H.
Response that is best : "Stop accusing and blaming me immediately." "stop it!" "I do not want to hear that again." "You are talking to someone you should respect." " Do not say that in that way."
No justification, these are stories made up by H about my motives. Explaining or justifying continues the abuse cycle. If the criticism is valid that can be acknowledged later. This is like throwing a rock through a window, stopping the thrower from doing more damage.
[
Name calling Level 2 abuse: control
Insulting and bullying.
How much do you use this tactic and accept it in your R?
H=3, V=1
V walks away now, screaming banshee used to return insult for insult. No more, enormous progress on this one.
Best response: "Stop that, do not call me names, ever." "I do not want to hear you call me names again ever." "This is inappropriate."
Raging abusive anger/aggression Intimidation Level 6 abuse: attack
Designed to intimidate and control.
How much anger is in your R?
H=4 V=2
V gets annoyed but parks it. H has calmed down a lot since this has happened. H used to use this to get his own way.
According to VSO, the most dangerous of all. Get away immediately and if necessary with evasion. Just leave.
If slight control " Stop, please talk to me calmly." " Do not raise your voice to me."
Pay no attention to the words, look at the tone and posture.
If threatened : "Stop threatening me." "I do not want to hear this." " Leave me alone." " I am leaving now."
Covert aggressive manipulation Level 4 abuse: unexpected
Different from passive aggression. A power play using charm, implied reward, compliments, suggested punishment or withholding, helplessness, guilt, shame,self-depreciation, empty apology or playing victim. A manipulator may appear non aggressive and act aggrieved. Response is guilt, defensive confusion and capitulation.
How active is this component in your R?
H=10 V=2
This is the new H playbook, dropped the other tactic and this is the new and latest leading. V is often not observant enough to notice and she wants to believe H.
Counter measures need investigating.
Silent treatment, be matter of fact "I am very bored with this and am going to leave."
Sit with headphones More work needed on this, I still do not fully understand the best way to deal with it.
Ordering level 3 abuse: threats
Instead of requests instructing, treating another like a 'slave'
How much ordering or instruction is in your R?
H=1, V= 0
This just does not work with V although H would try it.
Best answer "who are you ordering about?", "please ask nicely" or "I make my own decisions". If uses we as in "we are going" then response is "that is not what I had in mind".
Judging and criticising Level 1 abuse: lack of responsibility
Evaluating, giving unwanted advice, and telling others what they 'should do'?
How much criticism and judgement do you accept to keep your R?
H=4, V=7
V is very sensitive to H criticisms although she does not react. She is also likely to impute the wrong motives every time to H. That is judgement but she does not criticise much to H directly. H judges everyone and everything, nothing is good enough for H. H expects perfection. V finds this rather amusing.
Needs work by V, V needs to find more that H is doing right. V also sits in judgement and criticises herself too much. She is kinder to others even H than she is to V.
These have been real blows to V self esteem. Constant and endless Defining another is real boundary infringement.
Suggested responses "do you hear yourself" "stop judging me" "cut that out, enough already" "that is not acceptable" "nonsense" " keep your views to yourself" "that is my business" " that is not your concern, it is mine" then disengage, further discussion promotes further abuse.
Play, jokes, sarcasm and teasing Level 1 abuse: denial
Wit, ironic, overt praise and always painful to the recipient. Concealed Judgement.
How much smiling judgement do you endure in your R?
H=8, V=2
H when called on his words or behaviour often says "it is a joke, where is your sense of humour?". Very hard to counter,
V needs more techniques to counter this. Considering more IC in March.
This is a I am better than you or at your expense and is very immature. Do try to explain what is unfunny or inappropriate or ask why the 'joke' was said . Do not laugh or wonder about the maturity.
Best response: " I wonder now you have said that, put me down, interrupted me, do you feel more important? I want you to think about it" then disengage. " This conversation is over" or "I will get back to you on that".
Opposing Level 1 abuse: lack of responsibility
Treats as adversary and argues against anything, perceptions, opinions, thoughts and feelings. Says "no" outright without discussion closing down constructive conversation.
How much opposing is in your R?
H=2, V=6
H gets very few requests from V, but not really one of H characteristics. H LL is Acts of Service.
V now has a tendency to say no to H almost without thinking and this needs review
Counters feelings or perceptions, deliberately misconstrues, refutes that you have said something. Best response is "stop", "let me repeat my statement".
Do not explain the view or this too will be countered, no arging, "I do not see it that way" "I have a right to my own views". "Hold it, can you repeat that or write it down". "Stop countering me". "As you say". Then leave.
Blocking and diverting Level 1 abuse: denial
Abort conversations, make accusations and effectively say "shut up"
How often is discussion closed down in your R?
H=4, V=1
V talks too much sometimes but has had to learn the difference between blocking, closing and evading. parking is V choice of response. H choice expression "do not go there" but V defers and parks and often the need to boundary enforce is needed. Does not happen very often these days. Much better on this.
This is thwarting in the worst way. Keep repeating the request (fogging) (An answer which is "no" or "I do not know " is neither blocking nor diverting.)
Instead say " you are creating a diversion" and "if you do not know then I reserve the right to find out".
Discounting Trivialising and belittling Level 1 abuse: denial
Minimising or trivialising feelings, thoughts or experience. Suggests feelings are not valid.
How often are thoughts, feelings or experience discounted in your R?
H=3, V=1
Simply does not work and therefore not used by either H or V.
Devalues the self. "I certainly do not feel supported when I hear this" "I have heard all I need to hear".
Undermining and interrupting Level 4 abuse: accusing then criticising
Undermining with statements such as "you do not know what you are talking about" speaking on another's behalf without permission
How much are undermining and interrupting evident in your R?
H=8, V=9
Oh yes a big one this, V wants to do more work on this as H is vulnerable in the work environment. V can be interrupting others at work.
V has identified a big issue to work on. However this is not as evident in her personal relationship now, but is a work issue.
This is cruel and covert. "I do not like your attitude" "that was low" " stop, cut that out" "this is the opposite of fun" .
Lying, forgetting and denying Level 1 abuse denial of responsibility
Concious lying is manipulation. Addicts and compulsives may deny agreements or promises, a conversation took place, even prior abuse. They may ever declare love and caring. Crazy making, referred to as 'gas lighting' . Particularly evident in gambling and hidden stages of addiction. Can even mean lying by omission.
Are you aware of lying and denying in your R?
H=10, V=1
As far as V is concerned H is a master at this, V tends not to believe anything that H says without independent verification. H has even lied at GA openly, not disclosing the length of time he has been gambling. Nothing V can do on this but try to separate the wheat from the chaff. Perhaps identifying areas where H may not lie and giving more trust. In 12 steps we learn that love is possible without trust.
Do not believe the denial. Do not say how this hurts frightens or disturbs you. Never try to explain or understand why the lie etc has occurred. No anger, use of authority will help, no try to explain. V did not make H anything, "mad" "hurt" "abandoned" or any other thing. Best response "this is crazy making", "stop it", "I do not believe you. Do not let this happen again"
there is one form of abuse that is not in the above. that is withholding which is a level 5 form of abuse. it is very irrational, no fight, no argument, and no anger. A refusal to respond, no contact whilst active in a R. Whilst carrying on conversations with friends, discover plans only through friends. This is shunning and distain could be evidence of an A. Exceedingly toxic.
Apologies for the long post but I wanted to gather my thoughts all together in one post.
V
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/23/15 08:42 PM
The above post is more for me. To remind me what to do.
V
V
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/23/15 09:45 PM
So sorry you are dealing with all of this, but hang in there, V. You really are doing fabulously well! Good for you. Stay strong. Hugs, prayers and positive thoughts heading your way from here!
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/23/15 10:33 PM
V, that list above is helpful to me, too. Thank you for sharing it, you never know what turns on more lights for folks.
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/25/15 11:38 AM
How goes it Lady V we haven't heard from you on your sitch for a couple of days, let us know you're doing ok.
Edz (and BFT)
Edz (and BFT)
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/25/15 01:37 PM
Sending positive thoughts and vibes your way, V.
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/25/15 10:13 PM
Thank you Edz and Dawn
I am still processing and dealing with the change. And feel surprising chilled.
The decision is made and I have mentally moved on. I am ok.
I had to go back to the house and I can cope. H appears as if he is in shock and being 'nice'. No R talk no suggestion of his thinking and V is disinterested. I know this is honeymoon behaviour and we can wait until the mask slips again. I will not be abused. no drama. I can be tolerant if I am not abused. No apologies from H and I have never asked. Enough, it has ended and I know i am still.
Yesterday H did the food shopping, first time in years and came back with lamb, asked if I would show him how to cook Tagine! So I cooked the lamb the slow cooker, was delicious. h ate a large portion and sat down, did not go to the pub!
It's just part of the cycle. A long cycle from a man who has issues. I see through the charade and it amuses me.
V
I am still processing and dealing with the change. And feel surprising chilled.
The decision is made and I have mentally moved on. I am ok.
I had to go back to the house and I can cope. H appears as if he is in shock and being 'nice'. No R talk no suggestion of his thinking and V is disinterested. I know this is honeymoon behaviour and we can wait until the mask slips again. I will not be abused. no drama. I can be tolerant if I am not abused. No apologies from H and I have never asked. Enough, it has ended and I know i am still.
Yesterday H did the food shopping, first time in years and came back with lamb, asked if I would show him how to cook Tagine! So I cooked the lamb the slow cooker, was delicious. h ate a large portion and sat down, did not go to the pub!
It's just part of the cycle. A long cycle from a man who has issues. I see through the charade and it amuses me.
V
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/26/15 12:01 AM
Have you ever been through the whole cycle with him before V? Where he went honeymoon? Sounded like he was just escalating spew for a very long time.
You have spent a lot more time in counseling and support groups than me. Do they know what they are doing in cycling, or do they just react off their own gut to manipulate and get their needs met? How much awareness of themselves do these types generally have?
I am hoping all quiet in your house for as long as possible. Took your advice and went paddleboarding, kickboxing and dog walking this afternoon. It was nice.
You have spent a lot more time in counseling and support groups than me. Do they know what they are doing in cycling, or do they just react off their own gut to manipulate and get their needs met? How much awareness of themselves do these types generally have?
I am hoping all quiet in your house for as long as possible. Took your advice and went paddleboarding, kickboxing and dog walking this afternoon. It was nice.
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/26/15 12:44 AM
Yes, it's amusing. For us but sad for them as they have no ideas why things go the way they go. Hence the Blame onto others.
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/26/15 05:38 AM
Hi V,
I lived very close to a lot of abusers. My father was the one I saw very close.
My mom takes medication for anxiety, and will probably on it for the rest of her life. My dad was manipulative, he used the aggression and verbal abuse to put my mom in the corner.
I saw my mom enduring so much pain that when I felt I was old enough I faced him. The first time was a day before XMas, my mom cooked a lot of food. In Brasil, we do a lot of finger food, appetizers. It was late afternoon and he came home with some bad attitude.
Dad was very jealous and came home saying that my mom had gone to a store just to see someone there. It start escalating and finally I lost it. I start arguing with him and soon it became physical. I start pushing him and saying that he would be better gone forever.
I was ready to go out with my BF but did not leave. Dad finally promised me that he would be quiet, would behave and be respectful to my mom or I would show him what hell means literally once I was back from my party.
He was good for awhile and then it all started again. My dad was a master of controlling. He would make my mom feel less then a dog, feel stupid and a woman that could not stand for herself. But then was me there. I had big fights with my dad, I told him once that I did not care paying the price of taking him out for good.
He tried to say something to me many times, but every time I said to him that I was born just like him, physically (my mom is a blond with green eyes) and mentally. I am also abusive, crazy and have no patient with anyone.
So, I get the whole violence. Psychological violence. It is something that consumes you. You know you need to do something but you feel trapped into some little box of pain.
My mom was married 35 years to my dad, he died a few years ago and my mom still loves him. She divorced him after he got on her neck and tried to kill or put fear on her. She move out, restarted her life, did the whole grieving and finally start having a real fun life.
My dad died in misery, pretending he was in complete happiness. Since my dad used force against my mom, I did not talk to him anymore and I do not regret it. He made his choice, then he was probably willing to pay the price.
I think you are taking the right path. You deserve and must be happy. You need to live a decent life and if he is not willing to change his behavior, get professional help... then too bad for him. V will go out, have friends, enjoy life, smile, be loved by others. V will sleep in peace, wake up in peace and sit whatever she wants to read a good book.
I know it is hard to think that you would like that things were different, but unfortunately we have no control over other peoples actions. But V is doing the right thing to respect herself and have a life a human being deserve.
I pray for you V, may God bless you and give all the wisdom you need to work on this and have a decent life, with your H or without him.
You my kind of girl, dancing is one of my passion.
Love to you,
Pink
I lived very close to a lot of abusers. My father was the one I saw very close.
My mom takes medication for anxiety, and will probably on it for the rest of her life. My dad was manipulative, he used the aggression and verbal abuse to put my mom in the corner.
I saw my mom enduring so much pain that when I felt I was old enough I faced him. The first time was a day before XMas, my mom cooked a lot of food. In Brasil, we do a lot of finger food, appetizers. It was late afternoon and he came home with some bad attitude.
Dad was very jealous and came home saying that my mom had gone to a store just to see someone there. It start escalating and finally I lost it. I start arguing with him and soon it became physical. I start pushing him and saying that he would be better gone forever.
I was ready to go out with my BF but did not leave. Dad finally promised me that he would be quiet, would behave and be respectful to my mom or I would show him what hell means literally once I was back from my party.
He was good for awhile and then it all started again. My dad was a master of controlling. He would make my mom feel less then a dog, feel stupid and a woman that could not stand for herself. But then was me there. I had big fights with my dad, I told him once that I did not care paying the price of taking him out for good.
He tried to say something to me many times, but every time I said to him that I was born just like him, physically (my mom is a blond with green eyes) and mentally. I am also abusive, crazy and have no patient with anyone.
So, I get the whole violence. Psychological violence. It is something that consumes you. You know you need to do something but you feel trapped into some little box of pain.
My mom was married 35 years to my dad, he died a few years ago and my mom still loves him. She divorced him after he got on her neck and tried to kill or put fear on her. She move out, restarted her life, did the whole grieving and finally start having a real fun life.
My dad died in misery, pretending he was in complete happiness. Since my dad used force against my mom, I did not talk to him anymore and I do not regret it. He made his choice, then he was probably willing to pay the price.
I think you are taking the right path. You deserve and must be happy. You need to live a decent life and if he is not willing to change his behavior, get professional help... then too bad for him. V will go out, have friends, enjoy life, smile, be loved by others. V will sleep in peace, wake up in peace and sit whatever she wants to read a good book.
I know it is hard to think that you would like that things were different, but unfortunately we have no control over other peoples actions. But V is doing the right thing to respect herself and have a life a human being deserve.
I pray for you V, may God bless you and give all the wisdom you need to work on this and have a decent life, with your H or without him.
You my kind of girl, dancing is one of my passion.
Love to you,
Pink
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/26/15 09:05 AM
Hi v glad to hear you're doing OK, I'll post again this evening but for now positive thoughts from the bft and I
Edz
Edz
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/26/15 02:18 PM
Originally Posted By: Zelda09
Have you ever been through the whole cycle with him before V? Where he went honeymoon?
This has been more like a spiral that a circuit of abuse ( think bent spring). Think of a large spring lying on its side in a pool of oil. There have been times when after the abuse H has been nice, but usually for short periods. Then the oil part arrives and V feels foggy (in the oil) eventually it starts again. It really stepped up again after H gave up work (he would say that he took voluntary redundancy) but in essence i think he was asked to leave as he did not get along with his new boss (he was being booted).
Sounded like he was just escalating spew for a very long time.
Yes, indeed, verbal abuse escalated from January 2014..
You have spent a lot more time in counseling and support groups than me.
Yes, three years but only recently have I had abuse counselling.
Do they know what they are doing in cycling, or do they just react off their own gut to manipulate and get their needs met?
As far as I have been told there are abusers who react because of inadequate parenting and basically they never learned about boundaries and mature behaviours. In adulthood they have no insight to their behaviour and have not parented themselves. Hence my H is 'stuck' at 6 years of age and has not developed adult skills.
Narcissists generally have never learned the skills others such as borderlines have limited capacity for empathy skills. It is the difference between say owning a bike and being unable to ride it and not having a bike in the first place. Both types are trying to get their needs met, but one has the capacity to defer gratification and the other just does that to get a bigger advantage further along.
How much awareness of themselves do these types generally have?
I think they know that they have problems that others have difficulties with their behaviour but it is too hard to change and they have to be willing to change. The point of willingness is just after an intervention.
I am hoping all quiet in your house for as long as possible.
thank you, H is having a pity party at the moment, poor H!
Took your advice and went paddleboarding, kickboxing and dog walking this afternoon. It was nice.
This has been more like a spiral that a circuit of abuse ( think bent spring). Think of a large spring lying on its side in a pool of oil. There have been times when after the abuse H has been nice, but usually for short periods. Then the oil part arrives and V feels foggy (in the oil) eventually it starts again. It really stepped up again after H gave up work (he would say that he took voluntary redundancy) but in essence i think he was asked to leave as he did not get along with his new boss (he was being booted).
Sounded like he was just escalating spew for a very long time.
Yes, indeed, verbal abuse escalated from January 2014..
You have spent a lot more time in counseling and support groups than me.
Yes, three years but only recently have I had abuse counselling.
Do they know what they are doing in cycling, or do they just react off their own gut to manipulate and get their needs met?
As far as I have been told there are abusers who react because of inadequate parenting and basically they never learned about boundaries and mature behaviours. In adulthood they have no insight to their behaviour and have not parented themselves. Hence my H is 'stuck' at 6 years of age and has not developed adult skills.
Narcissists generally have never learned the skills others such as borderlines have limited capacity for empathy skills. It is the difference between say owning a bike and being unable to ride it and not having a bike in the first place. Both types are trying to get their needs met, but one has the capacity to defer gratification and the other just does that to get a bigger advantage further along.
How much awareness of themselves do these types generally have?
I think they know that they have problems that others have difficulties with their behaviour but it is too hard to change and they have to be willing to change. The point of willingness is just after an intervention.
I am hoping all quiet in your house for as long as possible.
thank you, H is having a pity party at the moment, poor H!
Took your advice and went paddleboarding, kickboxing and dog walking this afternoon. It was nice.
Thank you for asking Z, I am so new at this and all I can do is reflect my current understanding
V
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/26/15 06:45 PM
Originally Posted By: Ggrass
Yes, it's amusing. For us but sad for them as they have no ideas why things go the way they go. Hence the Blame onto others.
Amen to that Gg!
V
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/26/15 07:35 PM
Hi Vanillia Your new sta cd seems to have given H food for thought I'm no expert but you disappearing for a week and N/C might just be the kick up the behind he needed.
I would say stay strong but ducks and swimming comes to mind
Take care. Rd
I would say stay strong but ducks and swimming comes to mind
Take care. Rd
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/26/15 07:35 PM
Hi Vanillia Your new sta cd seems to have given H food for thought I'm no expert but you disappearing for a week and N/C might just be the kick up the behind he needed.
I would say stay strong but ducks and swimming comes to mind
Take care. Rd
I would say stay strong but ducks and swimming comes to mind
Take care. Rd
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/26/15 07:38 PM
Hi Vanillia Your new sta cd seems to have given H food for thought I'm no expert but you disappearing for a week and N/C might just be the kick up the behind he needed.
I would say stay strong but ducks and swimming comes to mind
Take care. Rd
I would say stay strong but ducks and swimming comes to mind
Take care. Rd
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/26/15 08:54 PM
Thank you RD
I get the message x3
Love you RD, even if all I can do is peddle on a pedal!
But actually there is a new POW on the horizon! as anticipated.
V
I get the message x3
Love you RD, even if all I can do is peddle on a pedal!
But actually there is a new POW on the horizon! as anticipated.
V
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/26/15 08:58 PM
RD - she heard you the first time! V, I'm with you on the pedal power. You know where you are with a push bike.
POW? Tell us more V....
POW? Tell us more V....
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/26/15 09:12 PM
H dashed out to the pub tonight. My friend is in the same pub (by accident).
So she rang me, you will never guess who your H is approaching now...
I just said "good luck to him" and "go over and say hello"
Mischief heh!
Matters not a jot, not any more. Go get em H, faster the better, out of my life. We were talking about push bikes?
Thank you H.
V
So she rang me, you will never guess who your H is approaching now...
I just said "good luck to him" and "go over and say hello"
Mischief heh!
Matters not a jot, not any more. Go get em H, faster the better, out of my life. We were talking about push bikes?
Thank you H.
V
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/26/15 10:03 PM
I need a good guy in my life.
One day very soon, when I am D.
V
One day very soon, when I am D.
V
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/26/15 10:27 PM
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
I need a good guy in my life.
One day very soon, when I am D.
V
One day very soon, when I am D.
V
Well v while you're waiting if you're in my neck of the woods I can offer dinner a movie and a pair of ears to listen
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/26/15 10:30 PM
Edz you have Giraffe ears.
Can we have cheeeeese and a pat on a BFT tummy?
BTW do You know Liam?
I need a introduction.....
V
Can we have cheeeeese and a pat on a BFT tummy?
BTW do You know Liam?
I need a introduction.....
V
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/26/15 10:32 PM
Nah he never takes my calls
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/26/15 10:34 PM
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Edz you have Giraffe ears.
Can we have cheeeeese and a pat on a BFT tummy
V
Can we have cheeeeese and a pat on a BFT tummy
V
Cheese board coffee and maybe even the bfts real name aha mystery!
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/26/15 10:56 PM
I like the name BFT.
There are three names for a cat you know! T S Elloitt.
An ordinary name, a fancy name and that which only the cat knows.
So which one is real BFT?
V
There are three names for a cat you know! T S Elloitt.
An ordinary name, a fancy name and that which only the cat knows.
So which one is real BFT?
V
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/26/15 11:02 PM
I *love* tse especially The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock
Well I only know her 'real' one called when it's dinner time 'w' and bft she's cagey on the real one, maybe she whispers it when I'm asleep.
Well I only know her 'real' one called when it's dinner time 'w' and bft she's cagey on the real one, maybe she whispers it when I'm asleep.
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/26/15 11:46 PM
Prufrock the virgin man who loves to be a crab. Frightened of life and love, the ordinary man who lives in anxiety. just ordinary.
A bachetlor not like Edz at all! The antithesis?
So what is the appeal of TSE image of this poor man to Edz?
V
A bachetlor not like Edz at all! The antithesis?
So what is the appeal of TSE image of this poor man to Edz?
V
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/26/15 11:58 PM
Ha originally I read it at o level then an age ago I heard afternoons and coffee spoons by barenaked ladies (one of my favourite bands) which brought me 180 back to it. Just love the alliteration in it now:
For I have known them all already, known them all:
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
For I have known them all already, known them all:
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/27/15 09:56 AM
Sandi 14 steps of recovery (adapted By Vanilla for abuse)
Originally posted by Sandi on the LBS thread 3 and I liked it so thought it might be a starter on abuse.
A list some things the Abuser will need to do in order to reconcile, honestly and completely. If you see something that needs to be added, feel free.
These are in no special order.
1). Consequences! And taking a hit with a hard, maybe a painful loss of some kind. including a police or other intervention
2). Realizing the connection between the abuse with the consequences/loss.
3). Accepting responsibility for the abuse ..and for every loss,
and every hurt caused to those who they love and who love them.
4). Accepting and dealing with the consequences, without blaming anyone but themselves.
5). Making a conscious choice to end the abuse and turn around and be loving. To stop the cycle.
6). Seeking guidance and/or spiritual counsel to guide in how to cleanse the heart of the wrong attitudes, selfcenterness, resentment, rebellion.......whatever is carried that is unhealthy.
7). To be remorseful. If necessary, even seek spiritual help, pray, whatever......to feel remorse for the destruction that has been caused. Feel true remorse in order to emotionally reconcile and heal properly.
8). To completely forgive for everything in the past. To release the blame, anger, and hurt held throughout the M.
9). To be wiling to do whatever it takes for the MR to heal.
10). To agree and cooperate with the Abuseds choice of actions to heal.
11). Accept/agree, without resentment, that she is in no position to give any "conditions" to go back into the MR. And, to accept without resentment, that the greatest level of work in piecing the M back together, must come from them.
12). To accept that it will take time for healthy emotions to be restored. To realize and accept that success can not be measured by feelings.
13). To be informed, and accept, that there must be withdrawals from the release that abuse gives, and there could be an experience of depression. they need to understand this is normal, and not a sign that they will have never have feelings for their SO.
14). And the hardest one of all.........learn to forgive themselves.
Keep in mind, these things will not all come about at one time. Neither will they be able to know without some guidance. It is really important she has help or coaching from an unbiased source who is pro-marriage and is familiar with abuse.
[/quote]
Apologies to Sandi but I made so many changes that it became too cluttered.
Sadly my H is unwilling to do any of this.
Originally posted by Sandi on the LBS thread 3 and I liked it so thought it might be a starter on abuse.
A list some things the Abuser will need to do in order to reconcile, honestly and completely. If you see something that needs to be added, feel free.
These are in no special order.
1). Consequences! And taking a hit with a hard, maybe a painful loss of some kind. including a police or other intervention
2). Realizing the connection between the abuse with the consequences/loss.
3). Accepting responsibility for the abuse ..and for every loss,
and every hurt caused to those who they love and who love them.
4). Accepting and dealing with the consequences, without blaming anyone but themselves.
5). Making a conscious choice to end the abuse and turn around and be loving. To stop the cycle.
6). Seeking guidance and/or spiritual counsel to guide in how to cleanse the heart of the wrong attitudes, selfcenterness, resentment, rebellion.......whatever is carried that is unhealthy.
7). To be remorseful. If necessary, even seek spiritual help, pray, whatever......to feel remorse for the destruction that has been caused. Feel true remorse in order to emotionally reconcile and heal properly.
8). To completely forgive for everything in the past. To release the blame, anger, and hurt held throughout the M.
9). To be wiling to do whatever it takes for the MR to heal.
10). To agree and cooperate with the Abuseds choice of actions to heal.
11). Accept/agree, without resentment, that she is in no position to give any "conditions" to go back into the MR. And, to accept without resentment, that the greatest level of work in piecing the M back together, must come from them.
12). To accept that it will take time for healthy emotions to be restored. To realize and accept that success can not be measured by feelings.
13). To be informed, and accept, that there must be withdrawals from the release that abuse gives, and there could be an experience of depression. they need to understand this is normal, and not a sign that they will have never have feelings for their SO.
14). And the hardest one of all.........learn to forgive themselves.
Keep in mind, these things will not all come about at one time. Neither will they be able to know without some guidance. It is really important she has help or coaching from an unbiased source who is pro-marriage and is familiar with abuse.
[/quote]
Apologies to Sandi but I made so many changes that it became too cluttered.
Sadly my H is unwilling to do any of this.
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/27/15 05:16 PM
Vanilla,
Whenever I see your thread title, I have a hankering for fudge. Just saying:)
Whenever I see your thread title, I have a hankering for fudge. Just saying:)
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/27/15 06:09 PM
Originally Posted By: Georgiabelle
Vanilla,
Whenever I see your thread title, I have a hankering for fudge. Just saying:)
Whenever I see your thread title, I have a hankering for fudge. Just saying:)
Thanks Georgiabelle,
And i thought fudged was more about my mental state! After I double dared Edz to come up with a name, it was one of his pithy comments.
Still fudge is good too.........
V
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/27/15 07:21 PM
I Hi Vanillia. How are you doing ? What's your thoughts on R with H ? Is this behaviour normal in his cycle ? Is this a point where Vanillia is out of the big house or are you back in Brighton ?
Take care. Rd
Take care. Rd
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/27/15 08:20 PM
Originally Posted By: rd500
I Hi Vanillia. How are you doing ? What's your thoughts on R with H ? Is this behaviour normal in his cycle ? Is this a point where Vanillia is out of the big house or are you back in Brighton ?
Take care. Rd
Take care. Rd
RD
Thank you for checking in. I am tired, calm and relieved. R with H as H is now, no thank you very much indeed. Like extra rich cake with too much suet, I have had enough. Even the icing and marzipan is unappealing. I may eat the glacé cherry on top!
Oh yes RD, H pity party is typical, but the police involvement has shocked him. Pattern interruptus again disrupts.
I am in Brighton for tonight. Tomorrow H is away, 60 wedding anniversary for his parents. This is the first time H will go on his own, I like H family but this time no thank you H I am no longer playing happy families with you. My best wishes have gone separately.
So safe tomorrow. I keep escaping one on one by the skin of my teeth. VSO says 3 weeks before any interaction and that is next tuesday. Sunday Ceroc! Wooooooo
So Sunday night is my first night at the Big House when H will be there. I am seeing H in the office. Spending my time doing invoices.
One day at a time RD. I am in a better space.
V
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/28/15 04:37 AM
Hi V,
That's really thoughtful. It makes you think that some people like to control others so much that they loose their own control on themselves.
I really believe that the main problem that makes a person to become an abuser in the first place is the fact that they have so much insecurities, hurts, inferiority complex and more.
But V, you are doing a great job in stepping out of this vicious cycle. Taking care after yourself and getting some life out of all this.
V is putting V first and this is the first step for a abuser to lose his power over V.
Hope you are coping with all the pain and hurt in a positive way to understand that you are doing all this to keep yourself sane and safe.
You have the right to live a happier and more fulfilling life V, and even if it does not feel good now, with time and care you will regain confidence in yourself.
Thinking about you V,
Love,
Pink
That's really thoughtful. It makes you think that some people like to control others so much that they loose their own control on themselves.
I really believe that the main problem that makes a person to become an abuser in the first place is the fact that they have so much insecurities, hurts, inferiority complex and more.
But V, you are doing a great job in stepping out of this vicious cycle. Taking care after yourself and getting some life out of all this.
V is putting V first and this is the first step for a abuser to lose his power over V.
Hope you are coping with all the pain and hurt in a positive way to understand that you are doing all this to keep yourself sane and safe.
You have the right to live a happier and more fulfilling life V, and even if it does not feel good now, with time and care you will regain confidence in yourself.
Thinking about you V,
Love,
Pink
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/29/15 12:27 AM
Thanks Pink
I worked 16 hours today with my own invoicing and accounts, I have a lot of ground to make up. I let my business slip.
No real contact with H, he was. In bed when I arrived home. Quiet, too quiet for my liking!
I downloaded the divorce forms today and will mull this over. I am starting to feel the need to be free. Free to be V again.
That would be lovely, no more abuse.
V
I worked 16 hours today with my own invoicing and accounts, I have a lot of ground to make up. I let my business slip.
No real contact with H, he was. In bed when I arrived home. Quiet, too quiet for my liking!
I downloaded the divorce forms today and will mull this over. I am starting to feel the need to be free. Free to be V again.
That would be lovely, no more abuse.
V
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/29/15 02:01 AM
Hi v
First (((((Vanilla)))))
Sounds like you're deciding which direction to take things in right now, can't be easy. I know I've not had any of the issues you've had to face think I've shared my thoughts on abuse in relationships, but I've had the thought of taking control back by moving on from my m, in my case I've obviously not I'd rather hang in to the bitter end but I wasn't being abused, somewhat shelved and unwanted but not abused.
Hold in there v, we know how strong you've been and are, you are ultimately the best judge of how to go forward and definitely shouldn't suffer any more abuse whatever outcome of your decision on d.
Have a good night lady v.
Edz & bft
First (((((Vanilla)))))
Sounds like you're deciding which direction to take things in right now, can't be easy. I know I've not had any of the issues you've had to face think I've shared my thoughts on abuse in relationships, but I've had the thought of taking control back by moving on from my m, in my case I've obviously not I'd rather hang in to the bitter end but I wasn't being abused, somewhat shelved and unwanted but not abused.
Hold in there v, we know how strong you've been and are, you are ultimately the best judge of how to go forward and definitely shouldn't suffer any more abuse whatever outcome of your decision on d.
Have a good night lady v.
Edz & bft
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/29/15 06:50 AM
Hi V,
I would like you to know how proud we are that you are thinking that V deserves better.
Please, prepare and take good care after yourself as you prepare the D papers. It's very painful. There is a lot of past to be digested during this time.
Your situation is different then mine, but the D itself will take a toll on you just by itself.
There are good days were I feel and think I am doing the right thing for the kids and myself. But there are down days that makes you feel like you failed, hopeless.
Please, whatever it gets hard, write to us, we will be with you along the way whatever decision you take. Eat well, sleep well and do not stop your GAL.
We all love V and keep her in our hearts.
Love,
Pink
I would like you to know how proud we are that you are thinking that V deserves better.
Please, prepare and take good care after yourself as you prepare the D papers. It's very painful. There is a lot of past to be digested during this time.
Your situation is different then mine, but the D itself will take a toll on you just by itself.
There are good days were I feel and think I am doing the right thing for the kids and myself. But there are down days that makes you feel like you failed, hopeless.
Please, whatever it gets hard, write to us, we will be with you along the way whatever decision you take. Eat well, sleep well and do not stop your GAL.
We all love V and keep her in our hearts.
Love,
Pink
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/29/15 07:08 AM
Hi V, glad you are managing to get things back on track with the business. Obviously you're mulling things over now, with the D forms and so on. I would say to just take your time and think in the longer term. Ultimately the only person to think about is you and your relationship with yourself, in relation to your M - if you know what I mean.
Maybe let it all sit with you for a little while, and be sure over a period of time that the direction you take is the one you want. I can certainly understand the need to feel free though. Is it today that you are dancing V? I'm envious....I would go and do some more Ceroc today if I could. Chores and some work for me today. But I'll go to aqua aerobics tonight. Have a good day V x
Maybe let it all sit with you for a little while, and be sure over a period of time that the direction you take is the one you want. I can certainly understand the need to feel free though. Is it today that you are dancing V? I'm envious....I would go and do some more Ceroc today if I could. Chores and some work for me today. But I'll go to aqua aerobics tonight. Have a good day V x
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/29/15 02:35 PM
Hi Vanillia I would echo Toots. From where I stand you obviously deserve much better than your H , however he is a real person , it's very easy for us on here to get emotional about people we care for without a second thought for the H/W. Please take this the right way , you married H , you love (d) H. Vanillia still cares for H You have all the time in the world, big house can be sold , Vanillia can carry on with her life , take time Vanillia. no rush Wait a month or two to see how Vanillia feels.
As usual Vanillia, what do I know ? Just my two pence worth
Take care. Rd xx
As usual Vanillia, what do I know ? Just my two pence worth
Take care. Rd xx
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/29/15 04:15 PM
Thank you Edz, Toots and RD and yes the lovely Pink.
I am preparing the D papers, to have them ready in case I want to file. They will be prepared. I am a good girl guide! Always prepared, it will settle my mind to have things ready.
I saw H today, asked him to help me to bring in the shopping, I got grumps sighs and complaints. So once again: H if you prefer not to help say so.
Later:
V: do you want a roast tonight? (H has bought a beef joint)
H: I will have whatever you want to cook
V: OK you can help me prepare then
H: I have only just eaten, soup etc and I am not hungry at all
V: please tell me do you want a roast tonight?
H: I have only just eaten......
V: do you want a roast tonight? This will take a couple of hours to prepare and cook so it would be useful to know
H: I am not hungry
V: I am unsure what that means
H: I am not hungry at the moment, so no not really
V: OK
I am not keen on roasts but will gladly cook one if H would like one. Otherwise a chicken curry for V.
H has gone upstairs sulking. Mainly because yes he would have a roast but only if it is all prepared for him. No more H is a room mate (flat mate) only and I have decided to treat him as such.......
V
I am preparing the D papers, to have them ready in case I want to file. They will be prepared. I am a good girl guide! Always prepared, it will settle my mind to have things ready.
I saw H today, asked him to help me to bring in the shopping, I got grumps sighs and complaints. So once again: H if you prefer not to help say so.
Later:
V: do you want a roast tonight? (H has bought a beef joint)
H: I will have whatever you want to cook
V: OK you can help me prepare then
H: I have only just eaten, soup etc and I am not hungry at all
V: please tell me do you want a roast tonight?
H: I have only just eaten......
V: do you want a roast tonight? This will take a couple of hours to prepare and cook so it would be useful to know
H: I am not hungry
V: I am unsure what that means
H: I am not hungry at the moment, so no not really
V: OK
I am not keen on roasts but will gladly cook one if H would like one. Otherwise a chicken curry for V.
H has gone upstairs sulking. Mainly because yes he would have a roast but only if it is all prepared for him. No more H is a room mate (flat mate) only and I have decided to treat him as such.......
V
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/29/15 04:20 PM
Toots Ceroc tonight, yippeeeeeee......
V
V
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/29/15 05:09 PM
Pink, I think by being ready then the pain will be at a time of my choosing when I am not overloaded quite so much and can deal with the grief privately. I am all cried out, my tears are dry and my sobbing empty.
I am going to D for unreasonable behaviour- a fault divorce using the abuse as grounds. It will not take much evidence and so I do not have to overstate my case. I can practice my words carefully but the meaning of them will be clear.
Pink, it is likely, yes it will be painful and to balance this continuing as I am will also be painful, which is the greater pain?
I am prepared to take the immediate sharp pain and sadness of D to achieve a life free of abuse and chances of happiness in the future.H shows no remorse or signs that he may want to resolve his issues. H appears as if he is fine as he is, his choice. My choice is to live a life free of abuse and manipulation.
RD you are right, all you have is my view of life and I am not perfect, I confess to this, with the screaming banshee in my cupboard then that is not ideal. I do love H and I did marry him, but which H? The one in my past or this one? I can choose to let go of this one and I am going to do that. I grieve for the loss of my dreams and my love, but I also grieve the loss of my self and my future. I am also angry at myself for allowing the abuse to continue and not recognising it for what it was.
I really want my freedom to build my life and myself. I am looking forward to my future and having new hopes and dreams to aim for.
A life not tethered to an abuser, to days of peace and freedom from criticism, as I have had these last few weeks, judgement and financial worry. A day when I will not live with an abstaining and unpleasant compulsive who resents me as the withholder of my cash which the freedom to access would allow him to gamble, drink, smoke and live a life of golfing leisure chasing POWs. I have never enabled H to do these things, he used his all of his resources, now they are exhausted and he needs more, so he seeking to use up mine.
My IC suggested that because H has never really had control over me, that I have never really enabled his compulsivity that his why he is abusive to force me or manipulate Me into compliance. to guilt me to it, but in essence Screaming Banshee was a good friend she protected me in many ways.
Screaming Banshee protected Plain Vanilla from full exploitation by a compulsive manipulator. She was my friend even though there would have been better ways of handling the problem, the new shadow is an angel I call the Boundary Guardian with her Perspex Spew Shield.
I have neither forgiven nor forgotten the behaviour of H (although I can forgive H) as that is foolish with a compulsive and I have little resentment or anger. I also have no trust in this H and his words are manipulations without honour and truth. As Cadet says if he is speaking and his mouth is moving then he is lying. Nothing about this is good and I can say without impediment that there is absolutely nothing left in my heart but pity and the need to rebuild.
I have learned a tough lesson, one I have little intention of repeating. For now I still stand and the day I file my rings are removed and I will be free to move on with my life as a single woman. I am fairly sure that there will be no friendship after D, H can be a stranger as if I had never known him at all. I will not prejudge although I rarely ever go back.
V
I am going to D for unreasonable behaviour- a fault divorce using the abuse as grounds. It will not take much evidence and so I do not have to overstate my case. I can practice my words carefully but the meaning of them will be clear.
Pink, it is likely, yes it will be painful and to balance this continuing as I am will also be painful, which is the greater pain?
I am prepared to take the immediate sharp pain and sadness of D to achieve a life free of abuse and chances of happiness in the future.H shows no remorse or signs that he may want to resolve his issues. H appears as if he is fine as he is, his choice. My choice is to live a life free of abuse and manipulation.
RD you are right, all you have is my view of life and I am not perfect, I confess to this, with the screaming banshee in my cupboard then that is not ideal. I do love H and I did marry him, but which H? The one in my past or this one? I can choose to let go of this one and I am going to do that. I grieve for the loss of my dreams and my love, but I also grieve the loss of my self and my future. I am also angry at myself for allowing the abuse to continue and not recognising it for what it was.
I really want my freedom to build my life and myself. I am looking forward to my future and having new hopes and dreams to aim for.
A life not tethered to an abuser, to days of peace and freedom from criticism, as I have had these last few weeks, judgement and financial worry. A day when I will not live with an abstaining and unpleasant compulsive who resents me as the withholder of my cash which the freedom to access would allow him to gamble, drink, smoke and live a life of golfing leisure chasing POWs. I have never enabled H to do these things, he used his all of his resources, now they are exhausted and he needs more, so he seeking to use up mine.
My IC suggested that because H has never really had control over me, that I have never really enabled his compulsivity that his why he is abusive to force me or manipulate Me into compliance. to guilt me to it, but in essence Screaming Banshee was a good friend she protected me in many ways.
Screaming Banshee protected Plain Vanilla from full exploitation by a compulsive manipulator. She was my friend even though there would have been better ways of handling the problem, the new shadow is an angel I call the Boundary Guardian with her Perspex Spew Shield.
I have neither forgiven nor forgotten the behaviour of H (although I can forgive H) as that is foolish with a compulsive and I have little resentment or anger. I also have no trust in this H and his words are manipulations without honour and truth. As Cadet says if he is speaking and his mouth is moving then he is lying. Nothing about this is good and I can say without impediment that there is absolutely nothing left in my heart but pity and the need to rebuild.
I have learned a tough lesson, one I have little intention of repeating. For now I still stand and the day I file my rings are removed and I will be free to move on with my life as a single woman. I am fairly sure that there will be no friendship after D, H can be a stranger as if I had never known him at all. I will not prejudge although I rarely ever go back.
V
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/29/15 08:10 PM
Short break from dancing, just checking in.
All quiet on the home front.
V
All quiet on the home front.
V
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/29/15 09:13 PM
V, I need to get caught up as things have changed for you since I last checked in. You are back home?! For now though just wanted to stop by and say (((V))).
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/29/15 10:29 PM
I understand, V. Grief in these situations can be inevitable. If in your heart of hearts you know this R is not, and can not, ever be good for you - then at least two people don't have to condone the bad treatment of you - it is painful enough that one thinks it is acceptable without you choosing to waste your happy to come years also this way.
I must ask - you are a stand up person obviously, but why offer to do anything kind for this man you know you will D? The above passage with the roast almost looks like a pursuit of sorts, an attempt at pleasing him. Would it be kinder perhaps to treat him as though he is no longer anyone you are interested in pleasing or caring for? I say this because I can imagine he may be surprised if it feels like status quo when D day comes. Or at least it would give him a sign that he needs to do some pursuit and development of self if he cares about your M.
I think your gut is correct - if he has any interest in addressing his behavior, he would. Like my H...his minimization of things, arguing about what it was, going as though nothing happened - definitely not a sign that he sees enough wrong with it to not do it again.
Hugs to you! Not to bring up the bittersweet memories, but I am curious - what was it between you both in the beginning that made your M good, the attraction? Were there ever signs that he would become like this, as you look back?
I must ask - you are a stand up person obviously, but why offer to do anything kind for this man you know you will D? The above passage with the roast almost looks like a pursuit of sorts, an attempt at pleasing him. Would it be kinder perhaps to treat him as though he is no longer anyone you are interested in pleasing or caring for? I say this because I can imagine he may be surprised if it feels like status quo when D day comes. Or at least it would give him a sign that he needs to do some pursuit and development of self if he cares about your M.
I think your gut is correct - if he has any interest in addressing his behavior, he would. Like my H...his minimization of things, arguing about what it was, going as though nothing happened - definitely not a sign that he sees enough wrong with it to not do it again.
Hugs to you! Not to bring up the bittersweet memories, but I am curious - what was it between you both in the beginning that made your M good, the attraction? Were there ever signs that he would become like this, as you look back?
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/29/15 11:27 PM
Gan
Thanks for dropping by.
Z
I put the beef in the slow cooker instead with ginger, garlic, tomato but I would have roasted it. H bought it and if I wanted to eat some felt it politic. As I would with a flat mate. Plus it is a great piece of beef.
This abusive behaviour started when we got married and deteriorated when H lost his job. There were no signs, a 32 year marriage, a widower with a son and loving family. It started then. All my family liked him, there was no abuse at all, the odd childish tantrum but nothing really. Gambling but H stopped, smoking but he stopped, no real drinking. It all went pair shaped when he lost his job, ranting, abuse, drinking, POWs and smoking. H became a rageoholic. Spent all of his money plus debt. V did a BD 3 months after as the whole things were truly awful and threatening.
H was nice to V for about three months then it went nasty again So I left again for 3 weeks to calm down and get myself together, discovered DB and started to DB.
H then went BD decided he no longer wanted to be with me.
H is just plain abusive and unpleasant to me and has been that way since Feb 2014. He plays golf, goes to the pub and ignores me. Why did he not just leave? I really do not understand him and frankly I leave him to deal with his stuff. He is clearly unhappy with his lot, I did not loose his job, I have no compulsions (other than cheese?), I do not gamble, smoke, drink every day, drive flash cars and spend money that I do not have.
I have neglected my business and am struggling financially, I am a small business owner, and I will turn this round. I put on weight and I am losing it. I dance, go GAL, do DB and generally I am PMA. I am content and will see this as a growth opportunity.
I will not be abused in this way. I will not be ranted at, controlled, manipulated or verbally abused in any way at any time. I am stopping the cycle for good. I will D this abuser for a better life.
I believe that I am a good person who has morals and ethics and enjoys doing her tax planning work for clients who appreciate value and I charge them for it. I make their lives happy. I look to give to others as much as I can as it benefits all of us. I want others to be happy and well as it enriches me. I hope that I come to a place which adds value. I help others manage their finances so they have stability and growth in their lives. I have not been in the best state to do this so generally I am not fulfilling my life purpose.
I consider myself an intelligent woman so do not really understand how I arrived in this space. My previous H1 (died) and H2 (D) both had great love and respect for me. Both were friends and friends behave with dignity and respect, even with H2 during divorce we were cooperative and friendly. My IC says I am not enabler and the problem for H is that he has not been able to control me into that box. So he abuses, isn't that an ugly reality because H does not want to stop abusing, but I will not tolerate abuse.
Is this helpful Z? I am afraid there are no real explanations of why H went this way and further why H appears stuck. perhaps he is not but that is for H to know.
V
Thanks for dropping by.
Z
I put the beef in the slow cooker instead with ginger, garlic, tomato but I would have roasted it. H bought it and if I wanted to eat some felt it politic. As I would with a flat mate. Plus it is a great piece of beef.
This abusive behaviour started when we got married and deteriorated when H lost his job. There were no signs, a 32 year marriage, a widower with a son and loving family. It started then. All my family liked him, there was no abuse at all, the odd childish tantrum but nothing really. Gambling but H stopped, smoking but he stopped, no real drinking. It all went pair shaped when he lost his job, ranting, abuse, drinking, POWs and smoking. H became a rageoholic. Spent all of his money plus debt. V did a BD 3 months after as the whole things were truly awful and threatening.
H was nice to V for about three months then it went nasty again So I left again for 3 weeks to calm down and get myself together, discovered DB and started to DB.
H then went BD decided he no longer wanted to be with me.
H is just plain abusive and unpleasant to me and has been that way since Feb 2014. He plays golf, goes to the pub and ignores me. Why did he not just leave? I really do not understand him and frankly I leave him to deal with his stuff. He is clearly unhappy with his lot, I did not loose his job, I have no compulsions (other than cheese?), I do not gamble, smoke, drink every day, drive flash cars and spend money that I do not have.
I have neglected my business and am struggling financially, I am a small business owner, and I will turn this round. I put on weight and I am losing it. I dance, go GAL, do DB and generally I am PMA. I am content and will see this as a growth opportunity.
I will not be abused in this way. I will not be ranted at, controlled, manipulated or verbally abused in any way at any time. I am stopping the cycle for good. I will D this abuser for a better life.
I believe that I am a good person who has morals and ethics and enjoys doing her tax planning work for clients who appreciate value and I charge them for it. I make their lives happy. I look to give to others as much as I can as it benefits all of us. I want others to be happy and well as it enriches me. I hope that I come to a place which adds value. I help others manage their finances so they have stability and growth in their lives. I have not been in the best state to do this so generally I am not fulfilling my life purpose.
I consider myself an intelligent woman so do not really understand how I arrived in this space. My previous H1 (died) and H2 (D) both had great love and respect for me. Both were friends and friends behave with dignity and respect, even with H2 during divorce we were cooperative and friendly. My IC says I am not enabler and the problem for H is that he has not been able to control me into that box. So he abuses, isn't that an ugly reality because H does not want to stop abusing, but I will not tolerate abuse.
Is this helpful Z? I am afraid there are no real explanations of why H went this way and further why H appears stuck. perhaps he is not but that is for H to know.
V
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 03/29/15 11:32 PM
It is. I enjoyed the big picture of you, too, the way you describe your work as meaningful and why.
I get what you mean about considering yourself intelligent and how did you get here - as so many are telling me, you know it has nothing to do with that.
Especially when so many friends and family are taken with our spouse, too, it tends to placate any nagging concern.
Excited for you and what will be up ahead as you get back to business and have freedom from all this.
I enjoyed the big picture of you, too, the way you describe your work as meaningful and why. I get what you mean about considering yourself intelligent and how did you get here - as so many are telling me, you know it has nothing to do with that.
Especially when so many friends and family are taken with our spouse, too, it tends to placate any nagging concern.
Excited for you and what will be up ahead as you get back to business and have freedom from all this.
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 04/01/15 07:19 AM
Nothing much to report. Quietly moving on in my life, this is the way I like it.
Darker with H on personal, civil on business.
H temp checks from time to time but I just respond simply. "thank you H" or "good, have a nice time".
I am no longer attached. Silence and quiet. lovely. H is at golf.
Breathe and work
V
Darker with H on personal, civil on business.
H temp checks from time to time but I just respond simply. "thank you H" or "good, have a nice time".
I am no longer attached. Silence and quiet. lovely. H is at golf.
Breathe and work
V
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 04/01/15 10:05 AM
Hi Vanillia. You sound peaceful and that has to be good. H seems quite which is also good. Your detachment is enviable. Take care. Vanillia
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 04/01/15 11:43 AM
V, sorry I haven't been keeping up so well. You moved back in with H? Is that because it's closer for work? You seem at peace with it, don't get sucked back into his drama.
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 04/01/15 11:48 AM
And I repeat V if it gets too much, dorset isnt far in that lil' red car of yours for a dinner, movie and purry meow from a BFT.
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 04/01/15 01:40 PM
Moving on, V...that sounds good. I prefer a quiet, drama-free life myself, so I understand where you are. I am praying for you, my dear lady.
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 04/01/15 04:37 PM
RPP,
I am using the Big House a little like a hotel. I stay there the minimum I can. Weekends I am in my tiny holiday flat, I also have a friend with a caravan. I stay with clients and work until late. H is away on a golf trip this weekend so the Big House is safe for four days. We will only stay in the same place for 1 night this week and I am cinema and meal out that night. There are three viewings this weekend too.
So I am ducking and diving, weaving and escaping.
H is very very civil when we talk, admin only. H does not work much at all.
Guys I feel so much calmer and less frantic over my sitch. I await developments. When the Big House is sold then I will move to S then a short period and then D.
The way I feel at the moment is 50:50 on H. It is a good place to be.
V
I am using the Big House a little like a hotel. I stay there the minimum I can. Weekends I am in my tiny holiday flat, I also have a friend with a caravan. I stay with clients and work until late. H is away on a golf trip this weekend so the Big House is safe for four days. We will only stay in the same place for 1 night this week and I am cinema and meal out that night. There are three viewings this weekend too.
So I am ducking and diving, weaving and escaping.
H is very very civil when we talk, admin only. H does not work much at all.
Guys I feel so much calmer and less frantic over my sitch. I await developments. When the Big House is sold then I will move to S then a short period and then D.
The way I feel at the moment is 50:50 on H. It is a good place to be.
V
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 04/01/15 04:43 PM
RD, it is lovely time, kind of a limbo. Time to catch up exercise and sleep.
Dawn thank you as always, sister under the skin.
Edz, I will bring chicken for BFT, pedro to share and Vs extra special Caribbean King prawns in home made Malibu sauce.
I presume you have a crazy set of Movies available as your taste is much like mine.
Oh yes, 16 lbs off! Feeling much better about cellulite and bought extra naughties. Looking better........
V
Dawn thank you as always, sister under the skin.
Edz, I will bring chicken for BFT, pedro to share and Vs extra special Caribbean King prawns in home made Malibu sauce.
I presume you have a crazy set of Movies available as your taste is much like mine.
Oh yes, 16 lbs off! Feeling much better about cellulite and bought extra naughties. Looking better........
V
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 04/01/15 04:54 PM
Well the media server I built only has 900 on it so you'd have to refer to the 1200 other DVDs if you want something not immediately on stream V
Devastated to say cant eat shellfish or prawns
I'll have the pedro though
Excellent news on the weight V, really well done!
Cant comment on the naughties you know such things get me worked up
Devastated to say cant eat shellfish or prawns
I'll have the pedro though Excellent news on the weight V, really well done!
Cant comment on the naughties you know such things get me worked up
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 04/01/15 04:58 PM
GAL report
First time for a long time
Thursday work 2 pts lunch with gf 2 pts
Friday work 2 pts lunch with client 2 pts evening gig 3 pts
Saturday lunch 2 pts
Sunday breakfast meeting 3 pts Ceroc gal 4 pts
Monday work gal 2 pts overnight stay with client meal 4 pts
Tuesday work 2 pts lunch with staff 3 pts sauna with friend, meal and Prosecco 4 pts
Wednesday lunch gal 1 pt work 1 pt cinema with orange wed pal and meal or 3 pts
Total GAL pts: 38 pts
Average preceding weeks a measly 20 I have points to make up!
V
First time for a long time
Thursday work 2 pts lunch with gf 2 pts
Friday work 2 pts lunch with client 2 pts evening gig 3 pts
Saturday lunch 2 pts
Sunday breakfast meeting 3 pts Ceroc gal 4 pts
Monday work gal 2 pts overnight stay with client meal 4 pts
Tuesday work 2 pts lunch with staff 3 pts sauna with friend, meal and Prosecco 4 pts
Wednesday lunch gal 1 pt work 1 pt cinema with orange wed pal and meal or 3 pts
Total GAL pts: 38 pts
Average preceding weeks a measly 20 I have points to make up!
V
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 04/01/15 04:58 PM
Tomorrow I start with exercise GAL again
V
V
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 04/01/15 05:04 PM
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
GAL report
First time for a long time
Thursday work 2 pts lunch with gf 2 pts
Friday work 2 pts lunch with client 2 pts evening gig 3 pts
Saturday lunch 2 pts
Sunday breakfast meeting 3 pts Ceroc gal 4 pts
Monday work gal 2 pts overnight stay with client meal 4 pts
Tuesday work 2 pts lunch with staff 3 pts sauna with friend, meal and Prosecco 4 pts
Wednesday lunch gal 1 pt work 1 pt cinema with orange wed pal and meal or 3 pts
Total GAL pts: 38 pts
Average preceding weeks a measly 20 I have points to make up!
V
First time for a long time
Thursday work 2 pts lunch with gf 2 pts
Friday work 2 pts lunch with client 2 pts evening gig 3 pts
Saturday lunch 2 pts
Sunday breakfast meeting 3 pts Ceroc gal 4 pts
Monday work gal 2 pts overnight stay with client meal 4 pts
Tuesday work 2 pts lunch with staff 3 pts sauna with friend, meal and Prosecco 4 pts
Wednesday lunch gal 1 pt work 1 pt cinema with orange wed pal and meal or 3 pts
Total GAL pts: 38 pts
Average preceding weeks a measly 20 I have points to make up!
V
When I first read this I thought you were doing weight watchers....
Great job on the activities.
Keep making up those deficit points!
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 04/01/15 05:08 PM
Lol - "bought extra naughties" - good on ya!
Happy to see you happy!
Happy to see you happy!
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 04/01/15 05:08 PM
Re: Vanilla Fudged 12 - 04/02/15 02:34 AM
V, my dear V...
The above picture is really great. I think it's some sickness that some people have. They live to put their partner down.
I saw this happening so many times to my mom. For some weird reason, my mom was (is) a strong woman, my dad couldn't control all aspects of her life, so he abused her with so many harsh words that my mom had some inferiority complex.
You sound strong and really sure of all this. I also read some anger in your words. Just want to say that it is normal V, let yourself grieve. You do not need to be strong all the time.
I really don't know what to say besides that you are very right thinking that you do not need any of this abuse. None of your H disrespect, non caring, disregard for your well being.
I wish we could be closer to you and have a slumber party and then have a beauty party. We would hug you and give you a lot of love and make you feel a lot better.
V you are a great person and will be blessed with better days. Your H is really a fool.
(((((V)))))
LOVE,
Pink
The above picture is really great. I think it's some sickness that some people have. They live to put their partner down.
I saw this happening so many times to my mom. For some weird reason, my mom was (is) a strong woman, my dad couldn't control all aspects of her life, so he abused her with so many harsh words that my mom had some inferiority complex.
You sound strong and really sure of all this. I also read some anger in your words. Just want to say that it is normal V, let yourself grieve. You do not need to be strong all the time.
I really don't know what to say besides that you are very right thinking that you do not need any of this abuse. None of your H disrespect, non caring, disregard for your well being.
I wish we could be closer to you and have a slumber party and then have a beauty party. We would hug you and give you a lot of love and make you feel a lot better.
V you are a great person and will be blessed with better days. Your H is really a fool.
(((((V)))))
LOVE,
Pink