http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2548476&page=1 Okay so that ^ is my original thread. Basically , husband of almost 2 years has suddenly come out with ilybinilwy and I want a divorce.. I then found out there's an OW and a EA. But all of this has come as a massive shock as he's always been obsessed with me. But I guess it always comes out of nowhere.
Since he dropped all this on me, he is barely in- usually "working" or "out". To which he will return usually some point the next day. We have a young baby too.
At the moment I'm trying to lovingly distance but he doesn't seem to come any closer with this- in fact I feel further from him.
I've kept myself busy once again today. I can really see my confidence shining through. It helps that people who haven't seen me in a while have all been coming up to H and telling him how good I'm looking.
Inside I do struggle, some days easier than others. Today I've been feeling positive and in the "I'm going to be alright either way" sort of mood. Though other days I find myself weeping over things that remind me of him. But I usually get my act together pretty quick.
A question I do have, I mentioned before about seeing a MC. h says he will go "for closure to prove he's tried" for me, and I obviously want to salvage and get a marriage back on track. In the past few days he has mentioned if I have been in touch with the MC. I explained once to him that if that's what he wants to go for then there's no point wasting money. But he's mentioned it again as to if I've sort of it.. I'm trying to have no expectations or get inside his head, but it just seems to me as though he could be having second thoughts about the D? He is far to stubborn or proud to ever look like he's just changed his mind to me.
Cherry,
I'm sorry you find yourself here. It's a difficult place to be but I do hope you are enjoying your baby.
Please don't take this negatively and I'm just speaking from personal experience. Beware of MC. If your h wants to go for "closure" he may very well use this opportunity to gaslight and grandstand about how he's miserable and done everything. Essentially, wanting the MC to confirm his position. And no how pro marriage the MC is, it will be an epic waste of time.
MC only works if BOTH parties are committed. Going to MC while one party in having an A (whether it's emotional or physical) is again, a waste of time. Otherwise, it's a $h!t show and I say that because I've seen many others in the same sitch.
Focus on you. Make changes for you. Focus on your child. You can do this. :-)
Thank you. No I get that. I didn't think that there was much point.
The way I'm feeling right now is that I want to get out of here. My moods flit so much. And I'm so angry that this narcissistic a**hole thinks this ow is more important than me and my son.
I really am tempted to leave this house but don't know if I'll do more harm than good. When he's like this- I don't even want to see his face.
Cherry, I'm so sorry things are tough right now. I get a real sense from your sitch that H is just out most of the time and you are literally left 'holding the baby.'
What about making some plans for yourself one night and pre-arranging for him to look after the little one? Maybe get out for an evening with some girlfriends? He may not be offering much as an H right now, but sounds as though he needs to step up as a Dad. And might do you some good to have some grown up time...
Also, the advice on these boards is normally don't move out. But if you can't tolerate living with him whilst he's involved with someone else, ask him to leave.
Chin up Cherry, these early days are tough, and you're doing really well :-)
Yeah he is, literally all the time. He sees baby a couple hours a day. And that also really winds me up that he's missing out on a vital time of our child's life.
Yeah I think I may do, I did go out with a girlfriend the other week. He went out with baby, wouldn't tell me where. I just don't really feel I'm progressing but also not to sure what to do. I ordered the DR the other day so waiting for that to arrive then I'll read that and see.
He is just so immature it's unbelievable!!
Okay, H goes out. I decide to go to bed and put baby to sleep. h comes home and comes and chattily speaks to me..
Since the other day he has mentioned counselling 2/3 times in about the same amount of time asking if I have arranged it. Why is he so fixated on this?!
Hi Cherry, the view on the boards seems to be that counselling isn't a good use of your time and resources while your S is actively involved with an OP.
If you don't want to go ahead with counselling and this is why - maybe you could just tell him that?
I think, from what I've heard, his relationship with OW is over. I don't know though. That's an idea. I just don't get why all of sudden he is fixated on it
I think, from what I've heard, his relationship with OW is over. I don't know though. That's an idea. I just don't get why all of sudden he is fixated on it
Regarding MC, IMO, his commitment to working on the M is more important than if the OW is out of the picture. Your posts have indicated that he didn't end the A, she did. He has yet to show you any action that indicates he wants to work on the M. I agree with Toots. It's perfectly alright to tell him you are not interested in going to MC if he is not willing to work on the M.
His actions are saying something different than being committed to counseling and your M/R. If/When he begins to act like a responsibly H and father, then it will be more believable.
You're right. Actions speak louder than words. Right now I am still going off not trying to believe what he says/ does as everything seems erratic.
I just wish I knew what to do next. I feel I'm not really progressing.
So the day is much the same.. Polite conversation when I see him- which is brief.. Then as part of my GAL i go out that evening. Before I leave he tells me I look beautiful and to take care. Not affectionate, but still- that's quite a compliment.. I just don't know what to think or do anymore. I feel so sad and helpless..
So my copy of DR came today. Going to start reading later when baby is asleep. Been working on my detaching/ having no expectations. h got up quite cheery today, asked if we wanted to go out. Went out together, to start off with he was cheery. As the day progresses he withdraws and seems depressed. He's on his phone quite a lot, as part of my detaching though I turn a blind eye and try not to think.
I honestly don't know what to make of these mix messages. I am GAL and detaching it is honestly hard not to think. It's as though he's screaminh out for help. Despite his up and down moods I kept my constant chilled, happy vibe
Then as part of my GAL i go out that evening. Before I leave he tells me I look beautiful and to take care..
Hi Cherry
I think that works then. You are heading out and he is wondering what may happen to this beautiful woman while she is out. When you are home he knows exactly what you are up to.
I would try and do more of this - once a week GAL while he babysits?
You know that's a very good point. He does ask a lot of questions before I go. And like you say if I'm at home or going out with baby he knows pretty much what I am doing.
I can see when we look at one another the physical attraction is definitely there. Had a day out with baby again today. It is hard painting on a smile sometimes when inside you're wondering where your H is, then they come in 24 hours later again.. I act like all is well again.. He quizzes where me and baby have been.. I do wonder if he ever wishes he went out with us, then I tell myself not to think what is he thinking. He's like a teenage boy, when he is happy talking he's almost bragging the flirty way when we met- only these things don't really impress me anymore- I'm his w and a mother, I need a real man.
He alternates between wearing his ring, and wearing on at different finger. At first I used to mention it, now I dont. It's like he wants a reaction.
I'm finding this situation so difficult. I know I need to leave him to it and lovingly distance myself but it's so difficult to when you have the thought of them with another woman and you are struggling!! I think baby is picking up on the negativity and is being difficult, not sleeping etc. he on the other hand thinks it is perfectly fine to be out all the time and leave me to it. I feel like a single parent and I'm finding it difficult. I go from feeling I can do this and wanting my husband back- to almost leaving him and finding some place else to stay.
I'm not sleeping and struggling with our baby whilst he is out with his OW I have no doubt- though he tells me he is out with his male mates.
I'm hoping one day I will feel more detached, think I'm just having a pity party right now. Done some work today, and had my highlights done. This situation is gonna cost me a fortune, I just find comfort in shopping. I guess its investing in me. He frequently tells me he finds me attractive but that's not enough to stay with me.
For the first time in a while he mentioned his finances to me- we hadn't got round to joining our check in accounts. Again, trying not to analyse things as his mood is erratic.. One minute he is cheery- the next moody and distant with me.
Detachment is a process. It takes awhile to get there. Be gentle with yourself and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
This situation is gonna cost me a fortune, I just find comfort in shopping. I guess its investing in me. He frequently tells me he finds me attractive but that's not enough to stay with me.
It doesn't have to cost you a fortune. It's important that you do things that make you feel good about yourself. That doesn't all have to be around your appearance or even cost a lot of money though. Wear the sexy outfit because it makes you feel good, not because H will notice. He probably will and that's great, but it cannot be your only reason for doing it. That is not sustainable change.
GAL can be anything you want it to be. You can take a bubble bath, read a book, go on a walk with a friend, or find a meetup group that shares your interests. Anything that takes your mind of the situation and helps you to have fun. Live your life for you and your son.
Again, trying not to analyse things as his mood is erratic.. One minute he is cheery- the next moody and distant with me.
This is typical script behavior. He will be all over the place. That has nothing to do with you. That is all about him and his issues. He has to want to deal with those on his own. I know it is hard. Don't let his actions dictate your self worth.
I think baby is picking up on the negativity and is being difficult, not sleeping etc. he on the other hand thinks it is perfectly fine to be out all the time and leave me to it. I feel like a single parent and I'm finding it difficult.
You don't really know that he thinks it's acceptable. Try not to mind read. I used to get so mad that my H wasn't putting in the time with our son. Eventually I came to the realization that I couldn't change that. It would be sad for him if he chose not to be a strong figure in our child's life. That was on him though.
Live a life you are proud of. That's all you can do. You can't change his actions. He has to do that on his own. In time he might. It's not guaranteed. This is a marathon, not a sprint. It's going to take a lot of time and patience probably. You can do it! Just take it one day at a time.
I mentioned before about seeing a MC. h says he will go "for closure to prove he's tried" for me, and I obviously want to salvage and get a marriage back on track.
"Closure" Ugggh, excuse my while I throw up a little. Such a garbage pop-psyche word. Sorry, I know this is old news and I'm not trying to offend anyone but I find people often use the word "Closure" as an excuse to be mean to other people. Sorry Rant Mode:off.
If you trust that you have a solid MC that supports marriage and he's willing to go, it might be worth thinking about. But for my money I think I'd wait until some admit-ion of wrong doing is on the table or he has expressed a willingness to salvage the marriage.
You're doing good. This is so hard, trust me, I know it is.
Thank you both for the advice. I am focused on trying to make myself feel good. I know when I met him I had tonnes of confidence, and he found that attractive. I need to feel good about myself and believe in myself do that is a focus of mine, and obviously if he picks up on that that is a huge bonus.
He mentions seeing the MC every day. Again trying not to over think. But I agree surely we would be better if he said he wanted to work on it- otherwise it probably is going to be a waste of money.
The MC I'm currently seeing upon our first meeting I handed him a copy of DB and made it clear that I was standing for my marriage and if he could't agree with either that I would continue looking. All with the express purpose of when my wife was ready that it would turn into "joint" counseling. But only after she was ready willing and able.
Well that's what he is really pushing- joint counselling.. Maybe I should see the MC alone first and explain my feelings.
Keeping busy again today, h was out late again. I had long since gone to bed- couldn't sleep though- he came in at the small hours. He is missing out so much on baby's development which is hurtful. Trying to follow hearts advise of that is something he needs to deal with- I can't change or influence this.
I get a feeling something is going to happen soon, he is out almost every night now and all day weekends so me and baby never see him.
Planning days out for me and baby. I'm going to make sure I enjoy the 1st year of his life and make memories for us both
Asked me about MC again. This is scaring the sh*t outta me as the mindset he is in- I feel he will go. Not talk, be set in his fog that he's ending this. He said he wants to get the D done quick as possible, probably to ease his conscience of the A. So I feel he's only pushing MC to help him achieve this quick.
I feel so so low right now, I am really struggling. He is out every night and all day, I scarcely see him anymore. I wake up hoping I've realised he means nothing to me. And when I don't feel like that I feel even worse. Been out today- but had such bad anxiety- trying not to cry in front of people. Today nothing is helping me switch my mind off
He tells me he wants to be a friend and that only. I dunno if I'm gonna do more harm than good but I feel I need to leave. I don't think I can be here when he comes home. I'm so upset and hurt by his actions. I literally can't cope today. Anyone reading I would really appreciate some advise right now. I'm literally about to pack my things and go.
I think you will find that all or most of the experienced vets on here will tell you NEVER move out. Don't leave the marital bed and don't move out of the house.
Review DB and DR paying close attention to the sections dealing with boundaries. It sounds to me like you may need to set some firm boundaries to protect yourself and your child.
Cherry, sorry your having a rough day. I wish I could tell you if leaving or staying is the best choice, but I don't know. Hopefully a vet can give you better advice on what you should do.
That being said, what I do know is that's it's generally a bad idea to act only on your feelings/emotions. I wouldn't rush to leave just because of that reason right now.
As for being his friend, you don't have to accept that. He can't just be your friend if he wants to fire you as a wife. He's just trying to justify his action in his mind.
I know your hurting today, focus on you and the baby. He has hurt you and will continue to. He may or may not see that right now. You have to work on detaching and not thinking about him all day. I know,so much easier said than done. Take baby steps. When you think about what he's doing push the thought away and go find something to take your mind off it.
Based on what you just said, no go on the MC. He is looking an easy way out. I would not give it to him. If he wants a divorce don't stand in his way but by no means help him get it, and I would pretty much express that. Something like: "I understand you want a divorce, it's not what I want and it's not whats best for our child but I wont stand in your way. I also will not help you leave your family, so I'm sorry but I simply cannot got to counseling with you to help dissolve our marriage." or something to that effect.
As for leaving the marital home, NO WAY! he wants to leave, then he needs to leave. All of it. Don't do anything that makes you look like you are going along with his destructive behavior. But remember to act calmly with everything. Set firm boundaries and calmly and lovingly (As best as possible) hold them.
I know this is so hard, but you got this.
This ^^^ is excellent advice. If he wants the divorce or separation, he needs to be the one to follow through.
I am focused on trying to make myself feel good. I know when I met him I had tonnes of confidence, and he found that attractive. I need to feel good about myself and believe in myself do that is a focus of mine, and obviously if he picks up on that that is a huge bonus.
This is good. Dig even deeper. What specifically don't you feel good about? What can you do to improve your self image and feel better about you?
Most of us are advising you against MC. Have you thought about IC? It can be a good, safe outlet for your anger, hurt and frustration.
I was quite career driven at the time- I had just finished college and had my degree. I was going to go travelling- he found my free spirit inspiring.
You are too right, I should disrupt mine and my baby's life. And I no way want to help him to get this. He can pay out of his own savings if this is what he wants to do. I have an appointment in 2 weeks for a IC. I hoping this will really help me get on my way to getting my head straight. I go through so many emotions in a day it's unreal. I now really want to make something of myself to almost make him regret doing this to me.
I now really want to make something of myself to almost make him regret doing this to me.
That's almost DBing. More like make him wish he had never lost you. So get to work, you have the awesome and fun task of becoming the woman only a total fool would leave!
(((Cherry)))
Think I am undoing all my good work. He ended up getting me stressed picking a fight so I ranted about the OW. He claims he has felt like this since before OW got involved. He goes out of his way today to message me which was in a way he knows would wind me up. Telling me he's going to be late back ( he never usually messages me at all- especially to say he will be late) and its up to me if I believe him or not. He then tells me he needs to stop before he says something he regrets.
I don't actually think he has any rights to call any shots right now.
If anyone has any guidance on how to handle this I'd appreciate it. He said we will talk when he gets back, but to be honest the way I am right now I will rant and rave and ruin all of my hard work.
Any tips on how to handle this?!
I do want this to work but I know that things need to change. Boundaries need to be made, and I shall make it clear I will in no way support his divorce.
This is a good time for Sandi2 or Twinmom.
I would honestly love some advise from a vet.. Or anyone to be honest.. I worry I'm going to make a mess
Cherry, hopefully a vet will stop by for you soon.
In the meantime, you can fall back on some of the 'old favourite' phrases.
Hmm, I can see why you might feel that way
Well, I'd have to think about that
and so on. Wonka's validation sheet is useful.
((Cherry))
I have tried some validating but he just honestly pushed my buttons. I'm still recovering from a traumatic birth of our child that almost ended up in the loss of me and baby- and I have pnd so I'm finding things difficult.
I'm trying to be calm. I'm tired of the drama, I want to run far far away
It is going to take time to get detached enough to not react with emotion. Until then, the best you can do is to try to catch yourself before you react and excuse yourself from the conversation. Be polite yet firm.
Cherry
I am so sorry to read about your situation. My suggestion is to focus on your beautiful new little baby.
I agree you must detach as best as you can and react emotionally to his weirdness.
Hang tough girl.
Hi. Not a vet but don't get involved in talks until your ready If he starts the talks listen, don't react , listen more , don't react. Don't react. Nothing you say will change his mind at the moment. Take your anger or sadness or disappointment and listen to what his says , validate , not agree, understand how he thinks, not agree with how he thinks and if your struggling to listen tell him you need to think and walk away This is all very hard but it can be done Stay strong for you and your child.
Take care. Rd
Thank you all. I don't intentionally mean to argue- and I have done so well for weeks. But he pushed my buttons. I'm due to go back to work soon- where both he and his OW work. As if it's not bad enough going back after Mat leave. This is all so difficult.
You are probably going to stumble and mess up. Everyone does. Learn from it and move on. don't beat yourself up for reacting emotionally. Just make a note of it and try again some other day. This is tough stuff, and NO ONE gets it right the first time. It is a process!
RD said it well. Listen, validate and learn.
H came home late so no time for a talk.. Trying not to read into the fact he can't make the time to talk to me..
I'm working on me still and setting myself challenges so I know I'll be fine in myself and someone baby will look up to. And an added bonus will be for h to look at me and realise he threw away a bloody good thing. I keep getting compliments from everyone that I'm looking beautiful and have a "glow" about me- im not sure about that! But it's a positive and boost to me to think I'm physically looking good, I need to get my mentality to the point where I'm detached and he will no longer hurt me.
If I didn't have a child with him I would go travelling for a bit. But I can't really take his child even though he isn't really being a dad right now.
Again, preparing me for his "chat". One thing as I mentioned previously, is he has it in his head that we will make great friends. I find this a little insulting. But no matter what happens he is the father of my child- we are always going to be involved in each other's life.
So my question is do I handle this situation with validation, and detaching. But be his friend- keep that area of mystique about me. GAL etc make me the best I can be for both my and my baby's sake?
Has anyone got to piecing by being a friend of their spouse?
Thing is we only managed to be friends a few weeks before we acted on our feelings and started a relationship
H came home late so no time for a talk.. Trying not to read into the fact he can't make the time to talk to me..
Talking will not solve this right now. He is essentially addicted to the affair. As you've seen little else matters to him at this point. Actions are much more important than words right now.
But it's a positive and boost to me to think I'm physically looking good, I need to get my mentality to the point where I'm detached and he will no longer hurt me.
I'm glad you are feeling better about yourself physically. How do you feel about yourself outside of that?
Having a child is a tough transition. I think as women, we often lose ourselves a little when we are so focused on taking care of our baby and trying to juggle all of our responsibilities. Excluding your H from the equation, what do you need/want to make life happier than it is right now?
If I didn't have a child with him I would go travelling for a bit. But I can't really take his child even though he isn't really being a dad right now.
Why not? You are allowed to take a trip without him. It doesn't have to be long. Could just be a weekend or a week. Whatever would help you. If H doesn't want you to take the baby,and you trust him to take care of your son, tell H he can take care of the baby while you're gone.
((((Cherry)))) I know this is hard. It won't be like this forever. Eventually you'll find your strength. You're life will improve with or without H.
I don't know if this will help you or not. When I was frustrated and angry about my H's action but knew I wanted to stand for the M, I set a time limit for how long I would put up with the uncertainty. In my head I told myself, I'll give this 6 months. I'll focus on me and my child during that time. At the end of those 6 months, I'll evaluate how I feel and decide which actions to take. Just a thought. I found it helped me to stop obsessing about what he was doing and instead look at me. The only thing I could actually control anyway.
Cherry,
Don't worry about being his friend right now. That is your choice and quite frankly, you aren't *there.* I would suggest listening and being cordial or *friendly neighbor.*
Focus on you and your child. That is your primary concern along with protecting yourself financially. Your h as you know him is long gone. Let him do his thing and you do yours.
Good luck:)
In honesty, he is so erratic at the moment- I don't trust him alone with baby. I think I'm getting there- obviously this is a massive shock and with the post natal depression a bit over whelming. But I've picked myself up before after abusive relationships in the past (this one has never been anything other than loving).
I think in my mind I'm still fighting with myself that having my h back will make my life happy. Yes the love of another person and what we HAD would make me feel better. But at the same time- that man is gone. And i refuse to make a man define me.
I think by setting a time frame might help me, I have the transition of starting work soon. So I'm going to have to learn to juggle a career and motherhood so I shall be very busy.
A few weeks back we had got to a strong friendship laughing and Joking. He then tells me he has feelings for me- we have sex a few times and in honesty it's been awkward since. He was petrified I'd end up pregnant again.
I've had some legal advise regarding housing, benefits, my legal rights etc. so Im getting prepared just in case. He has said I can have full custody, I feel like getting this in writing!! He took the last of my trust, he's not taking my baby
I think there is a difference between being a friendly neighbor and actual friends. I was very clear that we would not be friends if H decided to continue on his path. We would be coparents that were friendly. No hanging out one on one or spending a lot of time together though. It's important the WAS understands what they are losing. I'm not sure you can do that and he good friends this close to BD.
I think in my mind I'm still fighting with myself that having my h back will make my life happy. Yes the love of another person and what we HAD would make me feel better.
You can't go back to the old life now. If he decides to recommit and everything goes back to how it was before, you are almost guaranteed to end up here again because nothing, or at least not enough, changed. Check out Train's threads. Shes a good example and incredibly strong.
I've had some legal advise regarding housing, benefits, my legal rights etc. so Im getting prepared just in case. He has said I can have full custody, I feel like getting this in writing!! He took the last of my trust, he's not taking my baby
I'm glad to hear this. Protecting yourself and your child is very important.
No I'm not sure you can, and I think at the moment he has the mentality that he isn't ever going to loose me. Like his saying about continuing to live together and that maybe we should get remarried in a few years BS. I feel he is using me as a safety net and that's not fair. I'm not a second choice or a back up plan.
We never really hang- pretty much live separate lives apart from usually at the weekend he asks to do something with me and baby.
For sure I'll protect my baby!
Yeah I get that, like it's easy now to sit here pinpointing things that we should have done. But what's done is done. He is for sure rewriting our history, and if, God willing, we ever get back together- there needs to be a lot of change on both sides.
Cherry,
My heart goes out to you as well as your H and baby! You because this is such a heart wrenching situation, and H because he really, clearly has no idea what's at stake here!
Now STOP here a second before you read on. I am very new here, also new to online forums in general, my WAW and I have no children, and my perspective on your situation is therefore quite limited. So do not act on what I say next without some confirmation from some other trusted source(s), OK? This is just my two cents...
Seems to me like he needs to SEE and ***NOT HEAR*** that his beautiful, super smart, super caring bride and mother of his child has had it with his disrespectful behavior, sees through his manipulations, and now chooses to take excellent care of her own needs and her child's needs whilst NOT be affected by any of his bad behavior any longer.
To make him see this, you might become scarce in his life. Allow him to wonder where you are, while you are doing some other thing you enjoy. For me it is target shooting with my air rifle in the back yard, grilling out with friends, projects around the house, short road trips. But for you and your child, it will be something different. Stuff YOU enjoy!
I hope you realize your strength in all of this, you've earned a degree, you've had the presence of mind to come to this site for help saving your family, and you have the kindness required to welcome a total newcomer to this site! Sounds like you have the necessary tools at hand for success at DBing so long as you accept this doesn't come easy and doesn't come quick. Life is long.
In reading your thread it sounds like you may become emotional and "let him have it" verbally sometimes. While he probably deserves every word of it, and I guarantee your emotions are real and raw and strong right now, I promise you this is an area where a "180" is worth trying and seeing if it helps you and ultimately your sitch.
When you two are talking, find the strength to suppress your emotions as well as the urge to speak your mind. Listen, listen, listen. Then listen some more. Listen actively, and remember your actions (in other parts of your lives besides the conversations between you) will essentially do all the talking for you! Become the queen of the two word answer for a while here. Then vent elsewhere. If this sounds like it rings a bell with you, then it may be worth a try. He won't know what to do if you suddenly no longer will engage him in his bad behavior!
I pray - and suspect others are praying too - the right wisdom comes at the right times for you at every step along the way!
Anewguy thank you so much for your kind words. Funny you should mention being calm.. Last night he wanted the "talk " he came in very angry. I was so unbelievably calm- maybe even emotionless. I didn't want to make him think I really want him back. Nor did I make him feel I didn't want him. I listened, I validated, I bit my tongue. And when needed I accepted my part on the break down in our marriage.
As usual with a WAS his emotions where everywhere. One minute angry, one minute sad.. Absolutely everywhere. And I took a good minute to think and almost sorry that this man is so so lost right now. And it's actually me holding the cards in a sense.
I KNOW that I'm someone worth having and cherishing. And although I do want my family whole, I'm starting to believe that either way me and my baby are going to get by.
I thought the way he had been he was going to tell me he was filing, but he didn't. We said about staying as we are, not filing yet. Which, gives me time to make more changes to me for me and my son. And maybe I might get to a point where I feel I no longer need him- I don't know.
My heart goes out to everyone who ends up here. But I am so grateful for the help and wise words. I read sandi2's posts from a WAS VP and it honestly was such an eye opener, really hit home and made sense to me.
Cherry, I was so pleased to read your post, and wow you handled that well. When I read that, and look back over some of your older posts, you are travelling fast towards a good place. Your H may or may not be able to keep up!
Good for you! x
This online community is an amazing resource filled with amazing stories and advice! I think Toots is right you are traveling fast to a good place. It was really encouraging to read your post from this morning, hang in there!
Thank you. In honesty I impressed myself.
If your were to look at is last night it's as though we had switched places from a few weeks back. I looked stable and he looked all over the place. I'm not saying I'm not still hurting and upset. But determined to get me to this better place and make the changes I need.
Way to go!! You handled that perfectly!
If your were to look at is last night it's as though we had switched places from a few weeks back. I looked stable and he looked all over the place.
That's because you are more stable and rational than he is right now. As long as he's in this crisis/fog, or whatever you want to call it, he's not going to be either of those things.
I agree with the other posters. It sounds like you are really starting to find your own strength. Kudos to you! You've got this!
Thank you. In honesty I impressed myself.
If your were to look at is last night it's as though we had switched places from a few weeks back. I looked stable and he looked all over the place. I'm not saying I'm not still hurting and upset. But determined to get me to this better place and make the changes I need.
Great job.
I know the feeling of switching roles feels so alien at first. I remember being in such a emotional state the first few weeks and asking "Do you mind if I ask where your going" as I was looking down at the floor. Must have looked so pathetic, I couldn't even make eye contact when I said it. Now W has asked the same thing in nearly the exact same way. Twice actually. Makes you understand they are even more lost than you are. You keep getting stronger while they continue in the chaos.
Thank you so much- the encouragement from you guys honestly psychs me up- and teaches me vital skills. I used to do the same thing. And stay in the house as I felt I couldn't go out for panicking and crying for a few days, while he looked happy in his new life going out. Now I quite happily go out and do things. I disappear off the radar- I am very vague when he messages to see what I'm up to.. And when I'm at home, I surprise him by doing those bits of diy that he was putting off..
I think feeing unwell has set me back today. When he hasn't returned this morning I would usually go out. However I'm unwell so couldn't. I am confused by his behaviour, I do try not to read into it. But he says about keeping a day for "family " is this usual behaviour for the average wayward. Some things he does scream midlife crisis- though surely he's too young. He hasn't mentioned the D again, but I know that's where his goal is eventually, as the things he says indicates that we will work at being separated and then file.
I know this gives me valuable time. But when I feel unwell and emotional it's hard to see things ever moving forward. Plus if he wants to keep a family day- do I agree, or do I say no in order to detach? It's difficilt when you have a young baby. Cause I'm trying to think of what's best for him.
Any co- parents with advise?
Also, I think my behaviour is leading my h to think I'm on board with the idea of a d.. Although I have told him that I don't want one, and I believe in the sanctity of m. From the way he talks I think he believes I'm just getting my head straight and then we will do it. Am I leading him into the wrong train of thought. It's just I'm not stopping his actions, I'm not questioning him- I can sort of see why he thinks I'm no longer bothered. I think he saw my early days of crying and pleading as wanting him back.
Hi Cherry. I wrote out a very long post to you over on my thread. Just as I almost ready to submit it, I accidentally deleted it.
Maybe I'll eventually get around to saying it all again, but for now let me just make a couple of comments. My H and I had a baby our first year of M. I had just turned 19. Although I was not treated for postpartum depression, I had it for a long time. It affected my sex drive and as well as other feelings. The first year is hard enough without adding the responsibilities of parenthood. So much adjustment!
It is not easy after having a baby. Most of our time, energy and attention is directed toward our infant. That's one reason young couples can have problems to crop up. Many young men feel a certain jealousy. Not that they don't love their child, but b/c they don't have the W's undivided attention. Many won't admit it, b/c it sounds rather selfish. On the other hand, many women fail to see .....or don't care that the H feels this way. Her motherly instincts for that child is so new and powerful that it is foremost telling her to put that baby first. And, that is nature, I believe.
So much of ourself is given to the care of the baby, that other things begin to slide by the wayside. We don't have the time to primp and look sizzling hot for H's arrival home after work. Any energy we have, has to go toward what we see as necessary, right? Believe me, I understand.
My M fell into a serious drop in our sex life. That's tough on a young H. Another thing a young H and father faces is the weight of the responsibility for a child and W. For some men, the reality hits
after the child is actually born. Unless he has a very well paying and secure job, he feels the pressure of that role as provider and protector.
You and your H are 25. I don't know how mature 25's you are, but a baby causes a woman to grow up pretty fast. For some men, too. Other men can get afraid and start resisting the reality of his new life. Know what I mean? "Just don't want to be M any longer". Can't give you a solid reason they want out, etc.
Now I am going to be real blunt with you, so don't get offended. You have to do more than "try" not to nag. It must stop completely. Period, over and out. That's all there is to it. We women do not know what that does to a man. But if you hear anything I say, hear this........you cannot nag him and expect him to want to do what he should. It works the opposite way with men. You get a horse to do more with a lump of sugar than whipping him. Men look at nagging like a whip. Oh, and get this, a man's definition of nagging is when a woman says it more than once.........ever. If she's ever mentioned it once in her lifetime!
Okay, another mistake young mothers make is not distinguishing her roles. It's a comon mistake. We get use to dealing with the kids all day and when H comes home we just throw him in the mix. You now have two separate roles, not just one. You are a wife
and a mother. Do not act like
his mother. Who wants to have sex with their mother? Do you want him to think of you as his mother? I don't think so. Then stop treating him like he's another child, b/c I promise you, he will sulk and act up just like one.
Another woman is doing what you haven't been doing for him. Making him feel important, sexy, desired, and respected. You hear all the time how men cheat b/c the OW made him feel more like a man.
Look at his actions, not his words. He says he wants to have sex with you but he's sleeping in a separate BR. So maybe your looks are fine, IDK. But if so, then that means it is your ways that have turned him off. For a man, it is important that we women desire him, and not only sexually, but like in showing admiration for him. If you are acting more llike his mother, nagging, questioning him, etc., he thinks you don't admire him as a man. Sweetheart, that is what men need. That male ego food from women.
He may not know how to communicate his need to you. As I tell the LBH'S, this won't be solved through heart to heart talks right now. Change your action, and I think you can see a change in your M. ((hugs))
Ha! So much for a "couple" of comments.
Sandi2, thank you SO much for the advise. Some things have really struck a cord with me there. Me and H have always been relatively mature having both had difficult pasts which have aged us maturely. However we had a lot of time together- maybe too much, and we would be jokey, childlike in a way. When we got together we both pretty much gave up doing anything that didn't involve each other (hindsight shows me that was wrong).
I don't think I nag him anymore- however I do wonder if I sound too cheery, when I ask is he coming back that night or the next day and I say "okay, I'll see you then" I wonder if I'm doing the wrong thing my making it sound like its a reasonable thing to be doing.
The thing that really struck a cord is how you say about men wanting to be desired, and admired. He has recently been asking me if he looks alright.. Though I've took it as him sort of rubbing my face in it- like you can look but can't have kind of thing. He has also told me recently that he's doing well at work. I have congratulated him on that and told him I do want him to do well for himself. There has been times he's said things which I've mentioned in previous posts which have sounded like the things he was coming out when I first got to know him. Sort of bragging in a way, and I've just brushed that off and barely acknowledged him.
You've given me a lot of food for thought. Though I am unsure how to implement lovingly distancing myself whilst making him feel desired etc.
I have admitted to him when we had some R conversations that I do feel I have neglected him since baby arrived. And he didn't argue at all with that making me think I had hit the nail on the head.
Good job in cutting the nagging, b/c it's hard to do. Especially when we women wonder if they can't
see the garbage needs to be carried out, or whatever. We have to remind them each and every time?
I don't think I nag him anymore- however I do wonder if I sound too cheery, when I ask is he coming back that night or the next day and I say "okay, I'll see you then" I wonder if I'm doing the wrong thing my making it sound like its a reasonable thing to be doing.
Has there been times he hasn't come home? As in, choosing to be elsewhere?
My suggestion is not to ask any questions about his plans or when he might decide to show up. Do you have dinner the same every night? If it were me, I would have a reasonable set time for the family's evening meal together. Unless he works such hours that you have to have a more flexible meal schedule. Otherwise, you should cook dinner and eat at your regular time, and if he doesn't show up for dinner, don't wait on him. Don't try to keep everything warm on the stove. Just go about your evening activities as usual. Come bedtime and he's still not there, don't wait up. Don't call and ask him anything. Don't leave the porch light on for him. Go about your life as if normal.
Here's another point, don't show him you are upset that he was not home when dinner was ready, or at bedtime. Don't guilt him about not spending time with the baby, etc. You know how we women want to punish with the silent treatment or some such coldness? Don't do it. Just keep moving forward. He has to see you being a woman he wants to spend time around. So, you know throwing a fit or crying isn't going to be what he chooses to be around.
Don't go overboard and throw yourself at his feet. Stay balanced, here. For now, work on just staying calm and not reacting to him. Don't be overly happy or cheerful when you see him after he's been out all night. But neither react in the other direction.
If you are a SAHM, it is easy to fall into feeling a dependency on him financially, and in other ways. Therefore, you may need to guard yourself from being too inquisitive.
Him asking you if he looks good, may be his way of fishing for a compliment. Even his bragging. You can respond with something in your own personality like, "I'll have to admit, you look good in those jeans". Something that feeds his ego.
I can't stand a bragger, but I was told once that
some men who brag actually have a low self-esteem. Considering he is in an EA, do you think it may describe your H?
Though I am unsure how to implement lovingly distancing myself whilst making him feel desired etc.
I understand. I went into a lot more detail in my lost post.
Maybe you identify detaching as distancing from his presence. I am going to copy and paste a post from a former member who described the detaching in detail. I hope you read it carefully.
I tell you what, why don't you just think about how to implement more show of admiration, and not worry about the desire for now. If he feels that you admire him. I think he will eventually believe you desire him as a man.
Some LBS read a lot of advice and try to apply everything in one sweep. Some things just take practice and time.
Cadet has a link on detaching, and this is similar, but if you've not read it, please do.
Thanks, I get too wordy sometimes (okay most times).
I am going to copy & past another wordy post describing detachment. It is pretty detailed, but it helps to get the full meaning of it. A lot of people misunderstand and think you have to act cold, but it is far from it.
*****************************************************
Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)
I. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.
When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.
When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.
We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).
We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)
PART II Detachment (found around here)
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.
* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow S to be who he/she "really is" rather than who I "want him/her to be."
Yeah he frequently doesn't come home at the weekend now. He claims he isn't with OW but obviously I don't know what to believe anymore. I try not to ask questions now though about that.
You see that is where I do need to strike my balance between the being overly happy to almost giving him the silent treatment. Sometimes I feel I manage to pull it off but I'm almost emotionless, or as if he is just a friend visiting- which to be honest is what he is starting to seem more like. It doesn't feel as if I have a husband anymore.
With regards to dinner, I've also got quite good at that. In the early days I would either hang around- or I would just end up going to bed as I had no appetite. Now I cook, I eat and if he's there, he's there if not- not. But I do often message to say it will be in the fridge etc.
Again hindsight shows me I got very insecure and very dependent upon him. But I got sick during my pregnancy and then had a very traumatic labour which I'm still healing from- so I know I did rely on him emotionally and physically. I was super independent when he met me and quite confident. This is one of my self goals to get me back there- not just for him to take note but for me and my child as I hadn't even realised I became this other woman! I'm about to get back to work, so I'm hoping that can only help me with my goals but also help him to see me as more than just the mother of his child too.
He does have low self esteem. His bragging was a turn off for me when I met him- the confidence I liked, the bragging- not so much. It was only when I got to know him did I see the low self esteem. His bragging was a bit of an act- a barrier in a sense. I can't quite understand why he is trying to act in front of me again though.
I'm going to work on the admiration part. Again, thanks for helping me out here.
I have read the detachment before but although I have struggled to grasp the concept- I have been implementing it. I'm part way through DR but baby isn't sleeping well right now so literally don't get a second to myself!
So he hasn't come home again. Ignoring the need to text him. This seems like the norm for the weekend right now. And obviously if I start asking him where/what he's doing and that this isn't acceptable when we have a young baby this is gonna be seen as me nagging right?
So do I just roll with it for now? And when he returns just be polite, not overly happy but not all moody?
This is tough! Real tough!
Focusing on me and baby today. I think having no expectations is helping. I don't expect to hear from him, or see him. But at the same time- having no expectations also makes me feel I have no husband. I very much feel the single mom right now and this is real confusing.
So he hasn't come home again. Ignoring the need to text him. This seems like the norm for the weekend right now. And obviously if I start asking him where/what he's doing and that this isn't acceptable when we have a young baby this is gonna be seen as me nagging right?
I call it guilting. And can you see how you used the baby for leverage? He already has jealousy toward the baby, so don't make matters worse by guilting him as a father.
You are not going to successfully whip him into being the H you think he should be. And you do not have to condone any of his inappropriate behavior. Sometimes the LBW thinks she must respond in a negative way so he will know it's not okay to do what he's doing. He is an adult, and you can't punish him and then expect his attitude to change. keep reminding yourself that you are not his mother.
So do I just roll with it for now? And when he returns just be polite, not overly happy but not all moody?
Pretty much, yes, for now. You are the only person in this M you get to control. Go about your life, working on yourself, and having no expectations from him.
This is not to say you show subservient behavior when he's home. Far from it. Be spunky, saucy, cheeky, a little sassy. Have a healthy balance of sugar &. spice.
I've just been reading in DR about being the one person you control and changing my behaviours.
To an extent I have, but I've also sort of backed off being cheeky etc with him as part of my detaching (now I understand detaching a bit better I understand that it doesn't mean not being me).
Again when we got together we were both very suggestive, very playful, flirty, cheeky etc and I know this has got a bit lost. We have both said we find each other attractive- and we were even having sex still up until a few weeks ago, when he said he didn't want to use me just for that if he was thinking of divorcing me.
So I am setting little goals to get me back to me. He fell in love with me once, he'll he was obsessed with me. So I know that I need to get back to that- both for my sake and his.
He has said about wanting to have a good friendship with me, do you think that this is a way for me to sort of get in in a way. Like obviously that would involve spending time with me. And if I can implement the changes as well as my GAL activities, he should then begin to see I'm me again and maybe come back towards me?
I wish i could sit him down and tell him how much he does mean to me. I'm immensely proud of him, he is ridiculously handsome, and up until a few months ago he has treated me like a queen. I have a lot of passion for him which I can't act on right now. But I would give almost anything to start again- to date him, to have fun.
Cherry, you are getting some excellent advice from Sandi. I'm so glad a vet chimed in.
I wish i could sit him down and tell him how much he does mean to me. I'm immensely proud of him, he is ridiculously handsome, and up until a few months ago he has treated me like a queen. I have a lot of passion for him which I can't act on right now. But I would give almost anything to start again- to date him, to have fun.
Some of this you can do without sitting him down for a talk. Most men want to run in the other direction when you ask them to talk anyway. If he's talking to you about something and it's appropriate to compliment him, you should. You don't need to go over the top. Just make it genuine.
Another thing you can do is tell H when he does something you appreciate. Thanks for putting the dishes away/mowing the lawn/ playing with the baby while I took a shower. It doesn't have to be a something big. MDW mentions in DR thanking her husband for watching the kids while she was on a business trip. It might seem silly to need to acknowledge that, but it can help make your H feel that you value him and his contributions. Usually what you focus on is what grows.
Thanks heart, I'm really grateful for the advise. I guess thanking him for the little things might seem like not much to me but might to him. I have thanked him in the past and he's said "you don't need to thank me he's my son". But I'll continue to do so.
Is it okay to still make conversation by asking him about his job. About the time he started acting strange and distant is the same time he got a new job which is a lot more responsibility. For the first time in ages the other day he started telling me about his work.
I feel like with sandi2's advise and reading more of DR I am starting to get a plan in my mind. I'm setting myself goals and tasks and I keep reminding myself that I have no control over him. I can control me.
He came back like 24 hours after leaving last night. Which in a way I was at peace with. I can't control that, and wondering what he is doing is only going to upset me. So I carried on about my day. I started to make dinner and I got a message asking if there's anything to eat at home. I said I was cooking. I had it in my mind I won't wait for him- we eat the same time every night. So if he wasn't home then I would put it in the fridge.
He came home we ate together, have a bit of polite conversation. He seemed concerned that I was unwell. I said I would be fine. I'm not reading into the concern. Then he goes to his room and I go to mine. It does break my heart, and I hope this is not the way it's always going to be. I do long for him back because when he is himself he is an amazing sweet man. It is like this guy is my h's evil twin or something.
But at the end of the day, it is sinking in that I have no control whatsoever over anyone bar myself. So I've gotta become me again. And I miss being me, I was easy going and free spirited. I don't know where or how I became this insecure, shy dependant girl. I feel I have woken up from something!
So he's asking me about maybe getting new furniture to put into the BR he's in. I stay upbeat and friendly with him when discussing it. When I go back to my BR it hurts a bit- it just seems like a permanent move Everytime he does something like that. And that makes me feel further from him and closer to a D.
I do keep reminding myself that I cannot control him.
Read about goal setting in DR and what behaviours would be happening when I hit a goal. I made a note of them so I can check back to them. Operation help me become me again.
A quick q, he's started doing his own washing, when he leaves it in the machine and goes out. Should I leave it in there like I have been or put it out. He said himself he isn't comfortable with me doing things for him when he has told me he wants a D.
Also, another Q I have.. Is it normal for a wayward h to be as if he has had a personality transplant? It's like he wants to throw everything away and start a fresh.. Obsession with a new car.. Throw out clothes and get new ones. His mum he's always been v close with- he barely speaks to. He always wanted to be a dad, and now is never home. A games console he wanted for years- he got and now is unused as he doesn't wanna sit around at home. Tv shows he was obsessed with watching- now he has no time for, again as he doesn't wanna sit around - he wants to be out. Food he has always liked, he suddenly says "I've never liked" which I know is complete BS..
I just wanna know if this is script behaviour? I know not to read into things and that I can only control me.. But I just wanna know what I'm up against and if this is normal or this is something else he's going through?
Asked for help with baby whilst I made dinner. Thanked him for helping me.. H was in a mood, I cheerily spoke to him. He then started making conversation with me- and the tone slightly improved. Again, he mentions the MC, and are we gonna go.. Then he says that his mindset is still the same so it may be a waste of money.. I honestly don't get why he brings it up so often.. It almost seemed to me as if he was temp checking to see wether I'm still into making the m work.. But I dunno. And I know most people have advised on here that it would be great waste to go whilst he's in this mindset..
I'm honestly trying my best to keep the positive momentum and I am feeling more confident in myself. I know this would hurt like hell if we did d. But I would be fine.
I don't know if I had mentioned on here, but my h has mentioned a few times that if we are both unmarried in a few years- remarrying???!!!
Anyone heard anything like that from a WH before?!
I have heard stories similar.
I have heard of similar things as well.
What do you say to him when he brings up MC?
So he's asking me about maybe getting new furniture to put into the BR he's in.
Is he asking you to pay for new furniture? I think I'd be tempted to tell him that's on him since he's the one that wants it.
Seriously? Like what the eff is that about? Thats like just using you as a back up plan surely?
I asked him why does he want to go if he doesn't think the m can be salvaged. To which he said he will try to keep an open mind. I don't know what to think. And he's such a proud man when he makes a decision he's made it. He wouldn't want to seem like he's made a mistake.
No he's not asked me to pay for it. He suggested he would get some or use some from another room
Wow Cherry. It is hard when they are still at home. So many reminders of better times then wham a smack of thw new reality. Keep up the good fight.
It really is. It doesn't feel too good right now. Still this is reality at the moment.. Feels like a bad dream though!!
Planning more GAL activities, getting back in touch with me.. Thinking what used to drive me.. What were my ambitions, what made me me.. And getting in touch with that. Enjoying some old hobbies, planning future activities, vacations, decorating, sticking motivational things to walls to keep me prompted and remember where I'm heading..
Been reading more DR, and excellent advise on here. Realising where I've gone wrong- this is gold I wish I knew before!!
Working hard on listening oh so carefully when he speaks. He previously has said he didn't feel he could talk to me as I couldn't handle difficult convos without getting upset (my 180s when we talk of being calm, listening, validating and letting him speak). He felt I had become negative, again a 180 on getting back to a positive carefree me.
I'm trying to listen carefully as he said I never listened to him.
He seemed reluctant in a way last night when I asked him about his day and tried to compliment where necessary (obv not going overboard). He seemed a bit reluctant to start, then actually opened up a touch more.
I need to stick with it, get level. Don't let his emotions control me. If he's in a mood- that may well have NOTHING to do with me. All I can be is that happy go lucky, confident bundle of fun that he was obsessed with and HAD to have.
And I will get there, I'm determined- and when I want something- I will move mountains
Cherry, you are sounding so strong and determined. Keep up that PMA. You're doing great!
Thank you. It honestly fluctuates. It's like I really want to tell him how strong a desire I have for him. But I'm guessing this is a thing he doesn't wanna hear right now?
Sounds like you handled your talk last night perfectly. Kudos!!!
It's almost as if he is suspicious of me.. I asked how his day was- I got an answer rather than the standard "fine" like I'd get a few weeks back. I listened, and referred back to an event he told me about at work the other day to show I'm listening to him. But he still goes sits in a different room to me. I know that these things take time though and my consistency is key now and my changes back to myself are for my sanity if nothing else
Yes. Calm and cool...PMA is for our sanity first and foremost.
Wow Cherry! Seems like you're chipping away at that wall bit by bit.
Keep up the PMA and the good work!
Thank you. It honestly fluctuates. It's like I really want to tell him how strong a desire I have for him. But I'm guessing this is a thing he doesn't wanna hear right now?
You can't tell them with words. You have to tell them with actions. That's one of the things my wife said drew her back home, was that I was showing her that I loved her. That does not mean being a doormat. You can lovingly set boundaries and show someone you love them.
You can say it a million times, they aren't capable of hearing it.
Jefe, do you mind if I ask how you did that? I'm being positive around him and filling the house with love. He's started doing his own laundry. I didn't want to be a doormat and still run around doing everything for him like I was desperate. But I'm not sure if I'm being loving or not or how to draw him back.
You've got to let go of drawing him back. You've got to love him because it's the right thing to do and not because you're expecting anything in return. You've got to set healthy boundaries and expectations because it's the right thing to do and not because you're worried it may or may not make him mad.
The week or so before my wife came home I had to establish a boundary.
She called wanting me to go to her mom's apartment where she was staying and pick up a piece or 2 of her mom's furniture and store it in our garage because it was making her stay there a little too cramped. I replied that I was sorry but I was not comfortable doing anything that kept her away from the family longer or helped her to dig-in to this separation any further. She replied with a simple "K" by text and I didn't hear from her again for hours. I was certain that it had set us back some, but it had to be done and said.
The reality is, it helped her come home sooner.
Point is, healthy, strong marriages don't find themselves here often if at all. Figure out your part of it and fix it. Not to win him back but because it needs fixing. Ultimately, pulling away and working on yourself will draw them back in but that cannot be your sole reason for doing it.
My wife told me one of the things that drove her completely nuts was that I stopped calling/texting her unless she did first.
Follow the 37 rules as best you can. Copy them and save them into a word document and change the word "spouse" to your husbands name and personalize the rest of the document, then print it out and read it daily until it's second nature. It really does help.
I got to be honest, though, God played a huge role in this for me, but that's my experience.
You're doing good, kiddo. Hang in there.
Thank you jefe. I'm really working on me for my own sanity. When h first dropped the bomb he said "you've changed" and I honestly didn't beliene I had. It's only since that I've had a look at myself and thought "my gosh when did I become this person?!". I am doing lots to get me back and make me positive and get my passion for life back. I have ic today for the first time. I am feeling quite positive about myself and planning vacays! I'm quite happy to becoming me again.
I have stopped messaging him unless absolutely necessary eg about baby, and I have noticed a couple times he has messaged me to say where he is or that he will be home.
His character is still nothing near him though, he is quite moody but not reading into it.
Thanks for the tip re 37 rules. In my note section of my phone I have a few inspirational pieces like the lighthouse story. And I also have great faith in God, I believe this is a test, and I believe that we should be a couple.
I just wish he could end this ea and find his way back. This woman is all the things he usually dislikes in a woman! But I guess she's listening the way I havenf.
Cherry, it sounds like you are on the right track. Your posts are definitely more positive than they were at the beginning. Way to go girl!
This woman is all the things he usually dislikes in a woman! But I guess she's listening the way I havenf.
I essentially said this exact thing to my IC. If you listed OW's traits both physical and personality wise, she was nothing H would have previously liked. It's really not about who the OW is or her traits though. It's about how she makes him feel. Valued, appreciated, supported. Probably similar to how you made him feel at the beginning.
Good luck at IC today. I hope you find it helpful.
It really doesn't matter what his preference in women are because he is in a total fog. The enemy has taken him captive to do his will (2 Timothy 2:16).
When he calls to "check-in", reinforce that behavior. Thank him for letting you know where he is and then say nothing else about it.
If he texts (or emails) you with positive messages, respond more quickly and pleasantly. If he is texting separation talk, or being corse or hateful, do not respond for awhile. Don't say anything about it just simply let him stew for awhile. It's much harder to argue by yourself. Start to positively reenforce that behavior that you want from him.
I'm sorry, Cherry, but I haven't been following along as well as I should have. Where do his friends and family stand on this and/or how much do they all know about it?
Thank you both, it is honestly with the help and support I've had here and reading DR. I do feel I have a new lease of life and I'm more determined than ever. I took him for granted but now I need to lure him back to me!
That's good advise jefe, I'll make sure I do that.
I haven't even told my family, v little people know. His mum knows and disapproves- they won't even talk anymore as she won't stand by his choices
If he texts (or emails) you with positive messages, respond more quickly and pleasantly. If he is texting separation talk, or being corse or hateful, do not respond for awhile. Don't say anything about it just simply let him stew for awhile. It's much harder to argue by yourself. Start to positively reenforce that behavior that you want from him.
^^^^^this is excellent advice, Jefe. I totally agree.
This is all great advise, and very very much appreciated. I'm learning so much now of how I have took things he has done for granted. I'll be sure to reinforce the positive behaviour.
Had to message him regarding baby.. Wished him luck with a meeting he had to. I thought I may have got a response but I didnt. Shan't read into things. I just hope he doesn't see it as pursuing behaviour
That did not seem pursuing, although I have no idea what you said about the baby.
Think about it like this. If it is something you would politely say to your neighbor then it's not pursuing. It you would feel uncomfortable saying it the checker at the grocery store, you may want to tone it down a bit. I mean you're polite to those you come in contact with daily, right?
Yeah sure, I'm upbeat and friendly. I was asking him to pick something up that's right by his work place and a matter of necessity. I guess that isn't persuing..
Asked him about his day, we had a bit of polite chat. So I guess that's a positive
Journaling, trip to the IC was pretty positive. When she gave her intro she said she works with solution focus brief therapy. I took my copy of DR and said that is what I'm working with. She was very behind that. She listened and said that Hs actions and what he's said aren't that of someone wanting a D.. She said about thinking the lack of attention he's had since birth of baby. Thought I was doing a great thing by working on me GALing etc.
it was successful, but tbh I have learnt way more on this site. This is free therapy! She did make me feel positive about joining mine and Hs paths together.
Looked into flights and hotels to maybe take baby and me on a vacay for a few days. I asked H the other week if he wanted to come- he said he didn't think he could get the time off work.
I do think if we spent more time together I could win him round. It's hard not seeing him often but I guess the time I do see him I need him to see I am that everything he wants and more!
Glad 4 u Cherry. I have found that we can get a lot of work done on our own between ic sessions and let them critique my progress or let me bounce some ideas off of. I will say I've gotten 95% of my progress outside of sessions. I am still scheduling appointments, just not very close together.
Yeah my next one will be in a few weeks. Had a bit of a wobble today. Went out feeling super confident. Guys checking me out and stuff. But my confidence suddenly plummeted when I thought the only man I want to look at me like this is H. It's like I want to tell him how much he means to me, but that can only be seen as persuing. For sure, when I see him I'll make it known, I will strut around that house like the most confident person! I think H is more open to me when we are friendly. However I don't want to start too many tactics and mess things up.
I have so much passion for him right now. I would leave baby with my mom. Where something hot and show him I'm HIS woman, not just the mommy of his child
Hi Cherry, sounds like you are generally doing well, and getting to grips with what DBing involves. You certainly sound more confident that a few weeks ago. That's one of the joys of DBing - it does give you back some control and self-respect in a horrible situation.
I think in terms of your last line. It's great for you to re-find your own attractiveness after having a baby. Good to reclaim and celebrate that part of yourself. Of course, H will notice, and it's good that you are a 'woman' as well as 'mommy.' But I would not make re-attracting him central to that process, do it because it's good for you. And it builds your own self-esteem and confidence.
And in terms of H, you may want to show a bit of sassiness and confidence...a bit more of the 'old' you.
It's just a thought - but I know that parenting for the first time can be a challenging time in M's. Some men worry about the new responsibility and are they ready. And then there's a big shift in dynamic due to the arrival of baby. And suddenly Dad isn't the centre of W's world any more...
I just wondered whether you had done some reading/thinking about this area at all??
Had to message him regarding baby.. Wished him luck with a meeting he had to. I thought I may have got a response but I didnt. Shan't read into things. I just hope he doesn't see it as pursuing behaviour
It was pursuing if the call was something that simply could
not wait until he got off work or returned home (whatever the case). LBS use their kids as an excuse to contact the WAS. If it couldn't keep, then don't worry about it.
However, I will say this.....if it were my cheating H, then it would have to almost be to the point of being urgent before I called. But that's just me.
I do think if we spent more time together I could win him round. It's hard not seeing him often but I guess the time I do see him I need him to see I am that everything he wants and more!
That is what
you want b/c he is the WAS. You have to be real careful you don't let your emotions turn you into a clingy W. Be smoking hot and walk around with a spicy attitude of "don't you wish you had some of
this"! You
know you look good and you are a classy lady. Remember, let him chase you till you catch him.
