Confused - DivorceBusting.com

I was wondering why my other post is locked? Can't reply to it??

Originally Posted By: Joe406

I was wondering why my other post is locked? Can't reply to it??

You were at 109 posts, you are limited to 100 per thread.

Make this your new thread!

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2539313#Post2539313

Ah!! Gracias!! So today I woke up feeling good for a change! Felt confident! Thanks to you people on here! And for Sandi for helping me see that my feelings were justified! I have been so confused inside. I have decided if my wife thinks she needs time to work on things, so do I!! I have alot to think about! Today we are all going to town as a family. I will be the charming confident man I was when we met. Mostly for myself. I am excited to spend some time with my children. I love being with them. Tonight I will be back on here and tell you how my day went. I can't thank you all enough for listening and being here. I have felt alone for along time.

You are not alone, Joe. We are here pulling for you. Yes, you need to think about a lot of things, most of all your children that still live at home.

Thank You Sandi. My children that are still living with me are what is tearing me up inside. I came here to fight for my marriage and learn about divorce busting. But right now I am really considering talking to a lawyer. We had a good day today. I felt like me old self. It was like we used to be today. We have had several good days together lately. But the day always ends with us heading back home and her starting her job at night. I had the chance to think alot on the way home because she was sleeping. I thought about what has happened to my marriage since this job has come into our lives. I think my wife has told little white lies earlier in our marriage. But it has turned into her lying constantly. Sandi, you asked if I had checked her stuff online before this job, no I never had a reason to. I am wondering if things were to change and she woke up tomorrow and said I am done with that job, if I could ever trust her again. I agree with you, I am beginning to think she is addicted to this job. And to add to her addiction, she gets paid well.

I came from a divorced home. I spent a good part of my life in trouble and drinking. I know something about addictions. I have been sober for 20 years this month. My sister is still messed up and a terrible alcoholic. Heck, my wife know about divorce and what it has done to her kids. She divorced her husband because he was cheating on her. I have seen the pain her kids went through. I have been there to comfort them and talk to them. I believe in my heart that had I have been a good father to them. I struggled. Sometimes I wondered what I got myself into. But I stuck with them all because I loved them.

I am struggling on what to do. I won't have my truck back for a couple weeks, so I am kinda stuck here. I have been staying in my room alot. Reading and thinking. I have decided to kinda go dark right now. I can not pretend nothing is wrong. I think she would be happy if I just accept the situation so she can keep her job and go to her fantasy world every night. But I am not made that way. She can keep doing what she is doing, but I have to much self respect to just sit and take it. It is against my morals and beliefs. What would happen if this got out in our little town. Not only would people be talking about her, what about our kids. It could very easily get out once my stepson starts staying with us. He is 19. He is not dumb. If he finds out, he will tell his girlfriend and than it will be out.

I was thinking of writing a letter giving her a choice. Quit the job and find a normal one and work on our marriage. Or keep the job, but do it from somewhere else. I don't want it in my house. I don't want any more lies! I did not get married to go through this stuff! I want to be with someone that is honest, puts their family first and has values. She used to be that way! What happened?
Sorry for the long post. Venting again.

I really feel like I don't know who this person is that I am living with. She is not the same person I knew. Sometimes I see that old person come back, but it is only for awhile. It is amazing how she can be her old self all day yesterday and than when we get home and she rushes to her job, she changes back to this other woman. I have been praying alot for her lately. A couple weeks ago I saw she had a bible sitting on the table in her room. I thought maybe it was just something she found and had not put it away yet. But I have seen it out and moved in different spots almost like she was reading it some. I began to wonder if she might be dealing with some sort of guilt, and maybe was trying to find comfort in reading it.

It may sound bad, but if we did not have kids together, I would have told her to leave a long time ago. I do care for her, but a person can be lied to and taken for granted for only so long. I know that is one thing she said I made her feel like. I admit I probably did sometimes. But I never intentionally tried to hurt her. And no matter what our differences, I never stopped loving her. I never started sleeping in a separate room and never started looking for love elsewhere. I talked to her and tried to work it out. Sometimes I tried to make her see my point of view instead of seeing hers, and that is my fault and something I intend to change. But I never cut her off emotionally or physically.

So I went to the big town today! Had to go pick up my stepson's bed. Wife was still asleep when I left. I got a text when I was driving down there. So was wondering why I went to town. Of course I don't text and drive, so I did not reply right away. About the time I got to the place to pick up his bed, I got the "Hello???????". I than responded that I was picking up his bed. She said. Oh, no one told me you were doing that today. I decided to take a little time for myself and have some lunch at one of my favorite pizza places. I made sure to order a large so I could bring home left overs. I did alot of thinking. Didn't come up with any answers. But hopefully they will come.

I said what I thought!! I don't know if it was right or wrong, but I said it. I told her that she is taking a big risk with our reputation and how people will see our family if it ever gets out about her job. I also told her that I have been thinking the past couple days and I am done with the job. I told her you have a choice to make because I am not dealing with that kind of work anymore. She got mad and walked off!!
I am just tired of it. If it gets out what she is doing, people are not going to let their kids come play with our kids. I am also tired of the disrespect! How disrespectful to your husband to keep doing that work when you know how upsetting it is. I feel scared now. But I said what I said. I guess if she decides to leave now, it is her choice. She could stay and work on the relationship and keep our family together.
I know I was not a perfect husband, but I don't deserve to keep dealing with this job and all the lies!!

She is freaking out! I am getting texts about her calling her mom tomorrow and getting her own health insurance and me getting off her cell phone plan. I just don't want to argue about it. She is really pissed!! She gets so stubborn!! All I said was I don't want to be involved with that kind of work anymore. She can still do it if she wants.

I got all the angry texts. She is tired of everything being good for awhile and than we go backwards again. She is tired of the crying. She is tired of me making her feel like a bad person. I never said she was a bad person. I just said i don't want to be her plan b and don't want to share my wife with other men. She said she is DONE!! She is tired of crying, I am tired of waking up everyday dealing with the hurt of having my wife upstairs talking dirty to other men.

I have been getting lots of texts now about how I think she is a horrible person and it is all her fault. How everyone would be better with out her. And how I make her feel like a horrible person. I told her That I did not make her take this job. Actually I was not in favor of it. I told her that I was just saying I don't want to be a part of it anymore and that she had a choice, us or the job. It was up to her. I told her, that I would like to work on things, but this job is getting in the way. I told her that we have fought more in the past 10 months than we would have in 2 lifetimes. She can't seem to see all the problems it has caused. It is not like a normal job.

I just hate when I do stand my ground and very calmly state my boundary and than all hell breaks lose!! Why can't we just talk instead of I'm a horrible person, and everyone would be better off without me and I hate her and she's never good enough. I have never said anything like that. She even said " why couldn't you have been like this a few years ago". I am guessing she said that because I was very calm and confident about what I said. But I also acknowledged her and what she was saying. This is not something I did in the past. At least not like I should have.

I woke up this morning without stressing over everything. Finally for once, I have just Let It Go! I have turned it over to God. Last night we there texts going back and forth. Her sending me texts feeling sorry for herself and saying how everything is her fault and I make her feel like a bad person. I very calmly told her it was her choice what she was doing. I did not bring up the lies about the cell phone account and other emails yet. I guess I did not see the point because I know she will deny it. I have just had enough. She either needs to get a regular job, get some counseling and try to repair our marriage or she can go do what ever she wants. I told her last night I am letting her go. She is free to do whatever she wants to do, but I am no longer her plan b.

I go through times of doubt. I wonder what will happen. I feel so much pain inside for my kids. I wonder what I have done to have to go through this. I felt okay earlier this morning. Now I am feeling down.

Okay, so now you do not back down on what you have said. You do not want that stuff going on in your home......nor your marriage. It is very disrespectful for both home & M. Even if she did it at a different location, you would have the same problem.

I know you are scared, but stand tall and firm. And Joe, if she should start throwing her weight around and threatening you what she will do........just remember you hold the ace card that I doubt she would want played. Unless, she has just gone so far over that line she doesn't care if her mother, son, etc., may know the truth behind your troubled M.

Originally Posted By: sandi2

Okay, so now you do not back down on what you have said. You do not want that stuff going on in your home......nor your marriage. It is very disrespectful for both home & M. Even if she did it at a different location, you would have the same problem.

I know you are scared, but stand tall and firm. And Joe, if she should start throwing her weight around and threatening you what she will do........just remember you hold the ace card that I doubt she would want played. Unless, she has just gone so far over that line she doesn't care if her mother, son, etc., may know the truth behind your troubled M.

Thanks Sandi! I feel alot better now. Took my kids down and saw my mom and dad foe a bit. That was nice.

I will be standing firm on this! I have had it with the lies and betrayal and the disrespect. If she wants to keep doing that job, she will have to do it from some where else. And the kids are staying with me if she leaves. And yes I do have the ace card. That is not the only ace card I have if things get nasty. Which I am hoping they won't. I am really practicing TOUGH LOVE!!

She is really lucky the older kids have not found out yet. But now she has the problem of trying to hide it from our 19 year old son.He is now staying with us till he finds a place. I can actually see a different side of her today. It looked like a little fear. I think she knows I am not screwing around now. LRT is in effect! I also will not lie for her either. If the kids find out, I will tell them how much I have despised this whole thing.

Sandi, Since I am new to this and you have been around awhile, any advice? I am thinking I need to avoid her as much as possible. I definitely will not be starting any conversations or texts. I will also be doing plenty to keep myself busy. I won't have a truck for a couple weeks, but when I get it back from the shop, I am thinking of seeing a lawyer so I know my options. Unless you think maybe I should wait on that. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. She can be very stubborn. Especially when angry. She does have one leg up on me right now. She has saved a decent amount of money. So she has some money for an attorney if she wants to get one. I don't have much right now since I pay most of the bills.

You have no other means of transportation until your truck gets out of the shop? You need to have your own private bank account. If she decides to leave, she could wipe you completely out. Anything you can do to protect yourself financially. Take your name off any credit cards she uses, etc. Don't warn her of any action you are taking. You have already given the warning, now comes the action.

I feel this particular stitch calls for a tough stand, and therefore, I would pull back as far as you can. I would not bend over to try and be all sweet good-guy & nicey-nice to her. Be civil and that's about it. Your message is that you are serious about no more of that cr@p under your roof and until you see it stopped, you are not pals.

If the 19 yr old is perceptive at all, he will pick up on the tension. If he asks you anything, assure him it has nothing to do about him and to wait a couple of days and then you may discuss it. If he goes to his mother, she is going to lie and blame you. This way, you are giving her a couple of days to get her act cleaned up......which is being very lenient, IMO. She can quit her job, delete her contacts, and all those dating sites, etc. Did you keep some evidence in case you need it?

Is this 19 yr old going to have a job while staying there, or is this just a visit?

Originally Posted By: sandi2

You have no other means of transportation until your truck gets out of the shop? You need to have your own private bank account. If she decides to leave, she could wipe you completely out. Anything you can do to protect yourself financially. Take your name off any credit cards she uses, etc. Don't warn her of any action you are taking. You have already given the warning, now comes the action.

I feel this particular stitch calls for a tough stand, and therefore, I would pull back as far as you can. I would not bend over to try and be all sweet good-guy & nicey-nice to her. Be civil and that's about it. Your message is that you are serious about no more of that cr@p under your roof and until you see it stopped, you are not pals.

If the 19 yr old is perceptive at all, he will pick up on the tension. If he asks you anything, assure him it has nothing to do about him and to wait a couple of days and then you may discuss it. If he goes to his mother, she is going to lie and blame you. This way, you are giving her a couple of days to get her act cleaned up......which is being very lenient, IMO. She can quit her job, delete her contacts, and all those dating sites, etc. Did you keep some evidence in case you need it?

Is this 19 yr old going to have a job while staying there, or is this just a visit?

I have the store truck to get back and forth from work. We have had separate bank accounts for awhile. She is terrible with money. I have taken steps to protect me financially the best I can. She has her money and I have mine. No credit cards together. I am done telling her what I am doing. I have been keeping my distance lately. Not being mean at all, but definitely not being her pal.

I don't have any actual proof of anything she does online as I don't have access to her computer. If something ever came up I could get the phone bill from the phone company. I am sure there would be something on there. As a matter of fact, I was thinking of having the phone bill emailed to me. Right now she pays it and it goes to her email. My name is the only name on the rental agreement. I can send a copy to the phone company if they need to know why I am switching it. If things turn really bad, I do have proof of her financial messes.

I think the 19 year old will start seeing things going on. I know she will lie to him. I doubt he will ask me about it. He will bottle it up. But if he mentions anything to his older sister, she will ask. She will also see things when she visits next weekend. She already know we are having problems. And yes he is getting a job and saving some money to start school in the fall.

Thank you for being here and listening and giving advice. It has been very hard the past 10 months. I was actually in the ER once for chest pains because I had a panic attack. I have not been able to talk about all this with anyone. Do you think she is also experiencing a mid life crisis and that is causing her to have no regard for her consequences and for only thinking of herself? She has a ton of signs of a mid life crisis! She has never been this angry at me or this emotional. I have never seen this before. I don't even know this person!!

I feel good day! Yesterday I survived. I had several moments of stress, but I got through them. I feel confident finally! I am reading DR for the second time. I am detaching from my wife. I think I finally get how to detach. I actually have a good feeling inside that no matter what happens, I will be okay and get through it. If things don't work with the wife, so be it. I will find someone some day that will want to be with me. The most important thing is my kids.

She is acting different yesterday. I don't know if it is good or bad, but I noticed she started selling things online again like she used. She had a good business at one time selling things online. She had a good visit yesterday with one of the women in town. She liked doing those sales before because than she could visit with the women that bought from her. She also has not done anything on Facebook for a long time. Yesterday kinda surprised me. I did not say anything to her about it. She did tell me about her visit and I looked her in the eye and listened. I also did not come home for lunch. I am working on separating myself and anything else I need to. She knows where I stand!

Sometimes I feel like I am writing to myself!

Quote:

Sometimes I feel like I am writing to myself!

Why? We are here, and we are listening. You are not alone. I hate to admit this, but I had just written a long post to you.....and I accidentally deleted it. I don't think I have the energy for another one right now. Wasn't really saying anything new. Just reminding you how you can't reason with a WW. How she will twist the facts around, turn it on you, stretch it, have a pity party.....on & on.

She is going to react to anything you say at this point. She will test you and she will swing from one end to the other. Do not let it sway your decision. Your children need your protection from this type of business being conducted in their home. You need it completely gone in order to have a chance of a healthy M. Even if she continued in a different location, you would know what she's doing with other men. You would still have the same problems in the MR.

Right now, she doesn't want to see it, doesn't want to believe it or accept your terms.

When she makes statements about how you make her feel like a bad person, etc., just let her spew. Do not even attempt to set her straight. Do not attend her pity party! She wants to see all of this through the vision she chooses, which is not accurate.

You can't change her mind through talk. Just can't do it. If it were possible, every LBH on this board would be talking nonstop. Some do it anyway, but to no avail.

Dang it Sandi!! I love your posts!! No more deleting them before you send them to me! LOL!! You have helped me a ton. Thank You for that. So far I have detached alot. I feel alot better about standing up to what I think is right no matter the outcome. This is how I used to be. I have let her blame me for all of these problems lately. I have struggled so much with what to do. It wasn't until I came here that I began to see what I needed to do for myself. I know I have my issues to work on, but I know it is not my fault she has decided this type of lifestyle or that she has chose to talk to other men. And I do believe she has been texting someone. Why else would she hide the cell phone account so much??? But it doesn't matter. In a few days I am getting my own cell phone account:)

I was thinking about checking in with my own post, but I could not think of what to write about. I am just chugging along. Kinda lost at the moment. Been reading everyone else's posts. Still very confused about how my wife can walk around acting like nothing is wrong. Maybe she is DBing me!! LOL! Doubt it. Think she really doesn't care. I am still acting happy and confident. I did buy myself some Act body spray!! I must admit, I do smell good! Not that I smelled bad before!! LOL!!

Quote:

I was thinking about checking in with my own post, but I could not think of what to write about.

Not sure what you mean.

Btw, does your W pay for her cell phone, or do you?

I was just rambling to myself. I felt like I should update my own status, but did not know what to write about.

The cell phones are under her name. She pays the cell phone bill.

I know cadet posted something to me about the quote thing, but I still don't get how to quote just a few sentences. LOL! I am just not a good computer guy.

I was feeling a little confused today about how my wife can go from being totally attracted to me, kissing and hugging me and having great sex, to nothing!! It is weird. For about a month, she couldn't keep her hands off me. Actually most of the summer!!!

Quote:

I know cadet posted something to me about the quote thing, but I still don't get how to quote just a few sentences. LOL! I am just not a good computer guy.

Oh you have been using the quote boxes fine. I remember him explaining why your thread locked.

Don't feel bad, I had never used a public forum in life when I came here. Talk about green!

I have never used one either. I'm a forum virgin!!

I am still confused on my wife's statement when she was throwing a fit last Sunday night after I told her about my boundary with her job.
" I wish you would have changed years ago instead of now. Now I am the bad person"?????

You think she is the only woman who has said those words? Joe, listen to what I am telling you. It is not you.....it's her. She is still reading from the WW script. If you follow most newcomers when they first start doing effective 180's, and especially when things become a little uncomfortable for the W, this is what she will say.

Originally Posted By: Joe406

I know cadet posted something to me about the quote thing, but I still don't get how to quote just a few sentences. LOL! I am just not a good computer guy.

Practice!

In your last thread this is the post about quoting
#2540533 - 02/20/15 11:19 AM

How to quote

Simplest method to quote is to use the quote button at the bottom.

Next method is to copy what you want to quote and use the fifth button from the right in REPLY mode,
insert text between brackets.

Last and hardest method is to type
I have left out the trailing bracket so you can see what to type.

[quote=Joe]How to quote[/quote

Use the PREVIEW POST button before you hit submit so you can see what your post will look like.

What is it that you dont understand?

I was kind of thinking that. I feel really good today!! Got a haircut yesterday. I feel upbeat. Confident! It was funny, I mentioned on another post how I was waiting for the guy from Catfish to show up at our door with some guy who was looking for this woman he has been talking to!! LOL!

My 180's are helping me so much to detach and I am also seeing what things I needed to change. It was kinda weird when I went to town the other day and she found out and acted kinda mad. Until she found out that I was going to get my stepson's bed.

So a theory I had was she is dealing with a lot of guilt and also mid-life crisis things. I think she is addicted to this job because she gets attention on the phone from these men and it makes her feel good. But it is the wrong kind of attention!! Plus she makes all this money and buys stuff for herself and the kids and it makes her feel better about what is going on.

She has been very quiet to me this week and tried to avoid me alot.

Hey Joe!

Sorry, i've been checking the OLD post daily, and FINALLY realized today it might be locked, and Voila, here you and Sandi are!

I feel for you, but Sandi is 100% right. Without fully knowing it, you're practicing the 180, and standing up for yourself and your values. This is likely new to your WW, so on top of the swinging emotions, she's also dealing with you no longer being someone she can manipulate as she could before.

Stay your course, she needs to hit a rock bottom point where she's real with herself. You can't do this, and each time you try, and when you share your feelings, thats when she gets all tweaked about the "ups and downs" right?

Take a step back sometime, and re-read your posts, it helps to gain some perspective, as well as give you some re-inforced good advice you can brush up on, or just feel validated you're doing.

Thankful to be back on the threads again...

Thanks swabby!! Sandi has been GREAT!! What a blessing she and the other vets are to this forum! I have spent the past 6 months second guessing myself. Am I handling this right? Maybe it is me being controlling? Am I doing more of the same? To be honest, detaching like I have been is a little like I used to be. The difference now is I am doing it nicely. I am listening when she speaks. I am acknowledging her. I am not being a jerk(have said some mean things in the past when we fought to get my own way). I am allowing her to make her own mistakes. I am worrying about myself and my kids. I am giving her space. I am moving on with my life. I am doing things that I want to do. But I am also standing up for my values and what I believe. I am not scared of my wife anymore. I used to be afraid she would leave when we fought so I would validate my feelings and drag out our arguments to prove my point. I am now holding on to my N.U.T.S(nonnegotiable, unalterable, terms)!! LOL!!

Friday nights are weird now. The wife's attitude completely changes. But tonight it was really weird. For the past few months on Friday nights she was kinda talkative. Than when it got time to go to work, she would avoid me and not say anything. Even during the week, she would be kinda normal and than on Friday night the weirdness started before work. Tonight, she told me about my daughters appointment today and than we ate. She didn't say much during dinner. I didn't either. I have not been initiating conversations lately. But tonight she seemed extra quiet. She finished her dinner and went right to her room to nap before her shift. Just seemed different tonight.

I think the weekends are tough sometimes for me because I used to really enjoy being home spending time with my wife. I used to look forward to coming home on Friday night and eating a nice dinner and watching movies with my wife. Sleeping in on Saturday with her. Being around the house, working in the yard. Just having a nice weekend with her and the kids. Now I look forward to Friday up till the time that I remember she has to go to that ugly job. Than I fight the resentments. The thoughts of the lies she is telling me all the time. I fight the thoughts of how can a person look you in the eye and lie over and over. How can they just stop being in love with you because you made a few mistakes during your marriage. She made mistakes also. I did not stop loving her. I did not start sleeping in separate bedrooms. I did not lie to her. I did not cut her off from intimacy. Sometimes weekends are harder for me.

I keep praying for answers and have not seen any yet. I fight the thoughts of second guessing myself and how I am handling this. I am following the things on this forum. Sometimes I wonder if I am pushing her farther away. But than I remember how she is treating me now. How my feelings don't matter. Sometimes this stuff is so confusing!! It is a good thing I don't drink anymore!!

Joe, I feel the confusion. Oddly enough, when I moved from the east coast to the west when I was 16 (3 life times ago now) within a few months, I found out that my mother was working as a phone sex Operator. How'd I find out? I heard her, not something ANY kid should ever hear. I was so embarrassed when friends asked what my mother did in those years. I definitely understand, and can relate to your feelings of embarrassment and the fear of it"getting out" and the possible repercussions.

You're doing the right thing, just a stand for yourself and your kids in the matter, that's the best you can do, and you'll feel good for doing it!

That is one of my biggest fears. I don't like what she does at all. It hurts me inside. But if my daughter found out, it would devastate her. Not to mention if she ever told one of her friends. I just can't figure out why she keeps doing it when it has caused all these problems between us and what could happen to her kids if this ever got out. Her excuse was she is in survival mode. She is making money and likes buying things and likes buying things for the kids. She said we have had money problems for so long that she is just tired of it and this gives her a way to make money from home.

Need a little advice!!

Last Saturday night was when I put my foot down and told my wife I do not want to be in a marriage with a wife that is a phone sex operator anymore. Of course we had all the texts back and forth all night. During that time, I never mentioned anything about how I knew she was lying about the cell phone log in and about how I found those other email accounts. I have been debating about sending her a email and letting her know what I found and that I have had it with the lies and the secrets. I feel an email will be better because I know she will just lie to my face. Plus with the email, I can chose my words carefully. Than I am wondering if it is even worth it to tell her what I found.

Probably should not have posted my problem on phunguy's thread.

Had something strange happen earlier. Wife has been fine all day. We haven't talked much, because I have been busy around the house all day. She has spent alot of time in her room today. I have been cheerful while running around the house. When she started making dinner, she looked really angry. I was getting dirty looks. When she sat down to eat it was like she was trying to sit as far away from me as possible. I just kept visiting with stepson. I did compliment her on dinner. Than after dinner, she started doing things in her office. Trying to seal up any place that noise might come through. She was walking around looking really mad or stressed. When I asked what she was doing, she said I woke her up today when was talking this morning and than when I was wrestling with my youngest this afternoon. I did not know she was even sleeping this afternoon. So I took the kids downstairs so we don't make to much noise. She than accuses me of keeping them from saying good night to her. Than later she sends me a text that older daughter is not coming to see us tomorrow night and very negatively says "imagine that". Daughter has to work. I am not to sure what to think. I have just been doing my own thing all day.

Hey Joe, I have started a new thread in Newcomers. I thought it might possibly help some of you guys see the WW from another VP. I hope I don't appear arrogant by saying this, but I thought maybe i could reach more and not be saying the same thing to every person. IDK, we will see. I wrote one post yesterday and another one this morning. Please take a look.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Hello Sandi, I did read the post yesterday. It helped a ton. Great post! I will read the other right away. That is a great idea. Not arrogant at all. You have no idea how much you help us LBH. We can actually get some information on what is going on inside our wives head. Your input helps so much. I would have been lost and doing the wrong things had you not helped me. Thank you so much for taking the time to be on here and help others.

Today could be a tough day!! Last night was rather tough. It is tough to sit and visit with older D while in the back of my mind I am thinking how she does not know what is going on. I feel really bad for our kids. If things don't change, the older ones may have to experience their mother going through another divorce. I did not sleep well at all last night. Woke up at 2 and my mind kept going all night. Than when I did fall asleep, I had a dream about my wife that upset me. I am praying for strength today and answers!!!

I needed to write to all of you again, just to help myself feel better. I am trying to be strong today, but I am struggling. As you can see in my previous post, I did not sleep well last night. Maybe that is part of it. The other part is this image I have in my head of my older D and my wife spending the day together and W telling her all these bad things about me. How I am making her miserable right now and I will never change and I am just a jerk. Maybe it is just my imagination. But it is causing my to stress some. Got a text from D earlier" Mom said you may have to cook dinner tonight. Not sure when we will be home". I just replied "okay". I can feel myself not wanting to go home at times. It feels like as soon as I get there, the tension starts. I get an uneasy feeling when I have to go in her room in the morning to wake her up. Just got a text from wife saying the same thing about dinner tonight. My reply" No problem. Have fun."

This forum is so confusing sometimes!! One person is telling someone to validate his wife's feelings and sitting there listening to them talk about the feelings they have for another person. Another person is telling these people to be strong and detach from their wife when they are doing this stuff. And to set boundaries. I get so confused about what is the right way to go and what is the wrong way to go. I get frustrated dealing with my situation. Am I handling it right? After reading different posts, I get more confused!! And sometimes I get that feeling that all this is hopeless!! What is the deal with all these people cheating and having EA and walking away from their marriages??

Originally Posted By: Joe406

This forum is so confusing sometimes!! One person is telling someone to validate his wife's feelings and sitting there listening to them talk about the feelings they have for another person. Another person is telling these people to be strong and detach from their wife when they are doing this stuff. And to set boundaries. I get so confused about what is the right way to go and what is the wrong way to go. I get frustrated dealing with my situation. Am I handling it right? After reading different posts, I get more confused!! And sometimes I get that feeling that all this is hopeless!! What is the deal with all these people cheating and having EA and walking away from their marriages??

I would say having a conversation with someone that is wayward is mostly a waste of time.
If you were going to try that route then yes validate their feelings, that does not mean you agree with them just that they are allowed to have their own feelings.

I will say that DETACH is the single most important thing that the LBS can do IMHO.

You have to understand that this is all training and what you learn now you must continue to implement.

I know that being counter intuitive seems to make no sense but eventually you will start to understand.

Keep asking questions.

I keep posting and keep asking questions, but most times don't get any answers or replies.

I guess where I have struggled is the DETACH thing. It actually is not hard for me to detach. But it is kinda hard it without it seeming to my wife like I just don't care. She will take it that way I think. I have noticed that something is getting to her the past few days. Saturday she was angry at everything(which I posted about). Sunday seemed sad and lost( which I posted about). Yesterday spent the whole day with D in town shopping. Did not come home till around 10:00. D said she wanted to go everywhere in town. Seemed like she was trying to get a rise out of me. I did not say anything about it.

Hi Joe, I think it's all about balance. GAL helps with detaching and is for your own sanity as much as anything else. GAL helps you to see that, despite your sitch, there are opportunities out there to do new things you enjoy.

Your W may react to GAL, because you being out and doing new things is not how she thought this would go.

In terms of the validating etc. I think that is about making the most of opportunities that arise when you and your W are in contact. So, if you have a five minute convo in the kitchen and she had a tough day, you can validate. But then, you are off because you have things planned already...

Here is my advice on how to get people to post on your thread.

To get more replies my suggestion is to ask questions.
Put you post down in a readable fashion. (not one big block of type- ie hit carriage return frequently).
KISS = Keep it simple stupid
Post on other peoples threads and give them support.
You may not think you are qualified but you will be surprised that you may know something
or have some knowledge of something that others know nothing about.

Personally thank each poster that does post on your thread or ask them a follow up question.

Keep posting!

Toots, all that makes sense. If I had a chance to validate anything with her now, it would be a miracle. She does not speak to me much at all. Especially since I stated my boundary. I don't get texts or anything. I had to ask about my D this morning because my older D told me wife was taking the younger D to clinic because she was sick. Wife did not bother to text me about this.

Thank you Cadet!

My wife's addiction to her job really shows when someone in the house gets sick. Younger D is home sick today and wife freaks out and wants her to stay in her room. I don't want to spread it either but come on. If your going to get, your going to get it!!
It was when I got sick for a couple of days was when she moved completely out of our room and started sleeping in her office. She was disinfecting like crazy!! She freaks out that she might miss work!!! To me this is unhealthy!!

I am thinking of moving out of my house.

The hits keep on coming!! I think there is a mold problem in the basement of the house we are renting. Me and my son sleep down there. For the past few weeks, I have been having problems coughing. Now son is having the same problem and allergies are terrible at night. So now the big problem is, he can sleep on the couch in the living room upstairs until I get it all cleaned out. But I have no where to sleep. I do NOT want to be in the next room while wife conducts her business at night. It is bad enough to be in the basement. Last night I started thinking it was time for me to move out for awhile. Maybe now is the right time. I am tired of all this!! Tired of waking up stressing about it!! I think it is easier on wife since I have detached. I take care of the kids at night while she works and probably texts her "friend or friends". I wish I had the proof of what she was doing to confront her!!! NEED some advice please.

Originally Posted By: Joe406

I am thinking of moving out of my house.

Usually moving out of the house is the single biggest mistake you can make.

What about moving back into the MBR and let her move out?

Joe

Agree with Cadet. I made this mistake and it is very hard to undo once done.

Please consider W has to face the consequences of her actions and consider MCS and RD stories. Stay put and let W face the consequences.

V

I am in the master bedroom. She has a room for her office. She put a bed in there.

So I was thinking of texting her this today:

" With this problem in the basement, son and I will have to sleep upstairs. I do not want to sleep next to your room while you are conducting that sort of business. I have stated that I do not want to be in a marriage with someone that works as a phone sex operator. I also do not want to be in a marriage with someone that lies to me. Honesty is VERY important to me. I gave you a choice last weekend and feel there has been plenty of time to decide. I can see this kind of lifestyle is more important than me and our family. So I am asking you one last time. You can have your job and do it somewhere other than our house or you can stop and start working on our marriage."

Or do you guys have any other ideas?

I think it is a good start.

I doubt she will listen or comply with what you are saying.
Then what?

How about:

S and I will be sleeping upstairs in the MB, so I suggest you move, the basement will be free or you can go elsewhere. I have already stated my boundary on your occupation and our M.

What do you think Cadet?

V

I doubt she will either! I don't know. I can't force her to leave. For the past week, since I have completely detached from her and only discussed the kids, I have noticed a few changes. She did start selling things online again like she used to. She has not been on FB for a long time. She got back on there and started selling. Should I take this as a positive things and keep doing what I am doing? I sometimes thing that if I press the issue more, it is me trying to force the issue and trying to control it. I just have a hard time dealing with being lied to by someone you are suppose to trust. I have a really hard time being betrayed. I have a really hard time thinking about her talking to these men and also her having an EA. I am just tired of waking up everyday stressing over this stuff!!

I keep hearing Sandi talk about the WW coming out of their fog when something snaps them out of it. Lately I have been looking at divorce lawyers and contemplating that, because I don't know how much longer I can take this going on. But I hurt for my kids. I hurt for my step kids that would have to go through another divorce.

Joe

If W continues with her business whilst S is in the next room, will that not blow the whole thing open?

So if she does not move then she has a real mirror gazing issue. Once this particular cat is out of the bag with her family then this may precipitate a crisis? At least you will not be isolated in this.

Joe, my H hid the fact that he was a compulsive gambler from his family (although he came out to me), once a face up was initiated, because I did not enable then that particular issue came to a head. Similarly when As become public knowledge, pieces fall into place for friends and relatives. W view of W works to her as long as she can keep this hidden, in particular from her children. My Hs abuse of me is now public knowledge and I am not going to hide it.

Joe, you are acting with your best interests, let W deal with W and the consequences. If she wants to continue then there are consequences for her. Let her deal with these, my concern is for you and the fact that Joe may be enabling behaviour he clearly finds unacceptable to him. It is the fact this is a boundary issue for Joe which is of greatest concern to me. Not W activity itself, of that I can have no view other than to be sad that it causing her distress too. Joe you are my first concern.

V

That is sort of what I was thinking V. But the MB is downstairs. I was also thinking something like this:

With the problem in the basement, sleeping arrangements have to change. I am very willing to work on our marriage, but not while you are doing this for your occupation and lying to me all the time. I have stated my boundary with this. S and I will be sleeping upstairs until basement is fixed. I do not want to be sleeping upstairs with this type of work going on. You can use the basement or go elsewhere to do this type of work.

Joe

still too much. W is not lying to you, W is doing what W wants, this is IMHO her concern. She is concealing it which is what I would expect her to do with this occupation. Actually that is sensible of her!

With the problem in the basement, sleeping arrangements have to change. I am very willing to work on our marriage, but not while you are doing this for your occupation and lying to me all the time. I have stated my boundary with this. S and I will be sleeping upstairs until basement is fixed. I do not want to be sleeping upstairs with this type of work going on. You can use the basement or go elsewhere to do this type of work.

Ok Cadet?

V

Vanilla, that is kinda what Sandi said. She said I am holding the ace card. If this gets out to friends and family on why we split up, it will not look good to them. I was tempted to talk to older D the other day about this, but am concerned about hurting her and her image of her mother. I maybe try to protect my children to much. I was trying to see what an attorney thought a judge might rule if a custody battle happened with this type of work going on. I would think he would think it is not a good environment for the kids.

Trouble is she has been lying to me all long with this job. She lied about being on dating sites, lied about not taking calls anymore and just doing dispatch, lied about the type of calls she is taking, lied about the cell phone log in, lied about having other emails and I think she is lying about not talking to someone else.

Also here is a little history. I have been accused of being controlling about her jobs in the past. There is some truth to her saying that. And some of that is my fault. When she takes on a job, she has a hard time deciding what is more important, family or job. She will cover for whoever needs time off, but never take time off herself for her family. Works longer hours than necessary and puts family on back burner. And never says no when asked to cover for someone. So me complaining about her job is just more of the same to her. She does not see the issue with the type of work being done.

Joe

But you know that she is doing this now. I agree with Sandi on this.

Your kids have an R with their mother, this is your boundary trampled on and by keeping this a secret then I think you are enabling W to continue. Let your kids deal with their R with their mother, but it is important that Joe says he is unhappy with W behaviour but that he stays away from condemnation of W with her children.

Joe separate W behaviour from W as a person. Condemn the behaviour not the person. I am trying to do this with my H, condemn the abusive behaviour not H. It is hard and tempting to do otherwise.

I used to foster and have had to help children face and come to terms with some terrible behaviour of their parents. Including drug abuse, prostitution and alcohol use. Children are more resilient than you think, if you have a strategy for dealing with your children and protecting them from harm including letting them have their feelings on this, then it will be helpful to preplan.

This exotic and wayward behaviour of W will be evident eventually, this way then you can be prepared.

V

Originally Posted By: Joe406

Also here is a little history. I have been accused of being controlling about her jobs in the past. There is some truth to her saying that. And some of that is my fault. When she takes on a job, she has a hard time deciding what is more important, family or job. She will cover for whoever needs time off, but never take time off herself for her family. Works longer hours than necessary and puts family on back burner. And never says no when asked to cover for someone. So me complaining about her job is just more of the same to her. She does not see the issue with the type of work being done.

But you do. Your boundary and some of it is clearly not just 'job' but wayward behaviour.

Joe, no matter what you did or said, W has a choice in her WW behaviour. Change your behaviour on control for Joe, because this will effect his Rs with all around him, including overly protecting his children (also control). W has a choice in her behaviour too, the choice to work on her M.

You can changing your controlling behaviour today and going forward. Stating your boundary is a start, because a boundary issue is about Joe (not about W), if that makes sense.

We crossed posts as I amended my earlier post.

V

I can see what you are saying. What about bringing up things that I don't have hard evidence on? I mean I can sit down and type in the log in information to the cell phone account right in front of her so she can't lie about it. The info she gave me does not work. If you have nothing to hide, why can't I get in to it? Back in October I found a number on her work phone speed dial. There was a guys name and his number. I just about called it, but I didn't. I confronted her about it and she claims it was a girl from work. She said when she calls the number is registered to her husband, so she just used the husbands name to save the number??????

You know it is lies, W knows it is lies. Keep the evidence and let it lie for itself.

Joe, there is enough knowledge, the more you elaborate your communications, then the more wriggle room you give W to dismiss your boundary and to sidetrack into rubbishy side issues.

KISS (Sweet and Simple) is best.

Send and move straight back to the MBR. Own your boundary. Forcing W to sit whilst you input is more control and will be seen as such by W.

V

Originally Posted By: Joe406

She said when she calls the number is registered to her husband, so she just used the husbands name to save the number??????

Do you know how to tell when she is lying?

Answer - Her lips are moving!

V is giving you good advice.

Yes V is giving me great advice!! I have to reread it a few times to kind of understand as I am just a country boy and it takes a minute to sink in!!

Thank you V! But I wasn't being clear I guess. MBR is in the basement where the carpet problem is. I would have to kick her out of her office. Another thing I need to do is transfer the house phone to my name and my email. I am on the rental agreement, not her. My plan was to switch that first and not tell her. I think she wants it going to her to hide numbers. Also I am going to get my own cell phone account. This was one of the things I calmly stated when she threw a fit when I stated my boundary about the phone sex job.

Then move to the new MBR!

V

Good idea!! I will text her and let her know that since we have this problem with the basement, I will be sleeping in her bed. She can either sleep with me or sleep on the couch. Oh wait she has to work!! So she can either find somewhere out of the house to work, sleep with me or sleep on the couch!!

So V, what were your thoughts on my switching the house phone and getting my own cell phone plan to start enforcing my boundary? I thought it might show that I am serious!

The same bed really? Joe?

You want to show you are serious with your boundaries. Move rooms, switch phones and whatever else you need to do on YOUR boundaries.

Just do it, you told her, you stated your boundary. Just act on it.

If she acts up, just state - those are my boundaries W.

V

I was joking about the sleeping in same bed. Trying to deal with this better! It is hard, I know how she is. Once I state my boundary again, it will probably be the end of our marriage. I will heal from it. My children will not be okay with this. I came from a divorced home. I was messed up for a long time. I have a sister that is till messed up. I have watched my step kids from her first marriage and what they went through. I helped them the best I could. Now I see that she has me listed as her friend on FB. Before it said ask about relationship status.

So I am going home at lunch and getting a copy of my rental agreement and calling the phone company this afternoon. Than I am calling about switching my cell phone. Than I am texting her about the sleeping arrangements and her job. I deserve to be happy!! I deserve someone that is honest to me and is not cheating or making money from doing phone sex with other men. I found where she placed an ad to do voice overs. Not just regular ones, but adult ones also. She said she can sound sweet and sexy like a teenage girl if they need one. Makes me sick!!!!

Save a copy of the ad!

Somewhere safe and where it is private to you. Get your docs together Joe.

V

Already did that. It doesn't say much. Just that she is willing to do these kids of voices and others. So V what do you think of my plan?

As long as Joe is comfortable and can execute his boundaries.

Seems good to me, timing too is key on this to create the minimum of drama. The right time of day.

V

Drama is tough to avoid with her!! My thing did not go so well!! I changed the home phone and she called me freaking out!! She said just so I know, I am not leaving YOUR house!! She is pissed. I was calm and stated my boundary again. I did slip a few times and say the wrong thing. I did not want to even talk about it. Now she is being nasty.

We do have spew jackets on sale ... I suggest you buy one. When the boundaries are initially enforced the WAS gets pretty upset and will spew a good deal testing to see if you will seriously hold your ground.

Well the cat is out of the bag!! Older D got a text from wife that I was kicking her out. D called me and wated to know everything that was going on. I told her that I can't lie anymore!! So I told daughter everything that has been happening. EVERYTHING!!

She will do this Joe. She will not like you enforcing your boundaries.

W, I expect to be spoken to in a civil manner.

Then STFU and put down the phone. Another boundary Joe.

V

Originally Posted By: Joe406

Well the cat is out of the bag!! Older D got a text from wife that I was kicking her out. D called me and wated to know everything that was going on. I told her that I can't lie anymore!! So I told daughter everything that has been happening. EVERYTHING!!

Joe, this is stopping enabling W. I know this is a big change and now you need have no secrets. Your boundaries are clear on this and firm. Repeat them to yourself and keep enforcing.

Remember W behaviour, no name calling W.!
Hold your head up with pride on this.

I will keep checking in until a Vet joins us.

V

STFU??? Sorry not good on abbreviations.

Shut the f**** up

This was my very first lesson when dealing with spewing, ranting etc!

A favourite expression on the board.

Well done Joe.

V

D could completely understand why I have been upset. Wife told her the other day that I am controlling her life.

I have been completely civil with the conversation. I just told her that I am choosing to not be a part of this kind of lifestyle. Wife was pissed that I never told her that I was coaching daughters basketball games or that I am planning to play golf this summer. I told her that she wanted space and acted like she did not want to be in a marriage, so I just started doing my thing.

Joe

No need to explain yourself, you will distract from the core boundary issue.

The rest is noise.
W did WW for reasons other than you coaching basketball or playing golf!
Your boundary is yours and as long as W can chose her consequence this is not being controlling. It is protecting your own core.

Breathe, a corner has been turned.

V

Apologies fat finger syndrome, hence two posts!
Carry out the rest of your boundary enforcement.

Do you need to be prewarning S ?

V

I don't know. I am still thinking about what just happened. If wife leaves, son can stay or go with her. I have no idea what son knows or what she has told him. If anything. She asked me if we were going to tell the kids tonight that I don't want her in the house anymore.
I said that I will tell them the truth, that mom doesn't love dad anymore.

Joe

All you are stating is your boundary. Stick to that Joe and I think that would be wisest.

You do not know that mom does not love dad, no words in WW mouth. That is control, no threats Joe. No speaking for W ok?

Also your boundary is that W has a choice, if she continues business then in the basement. It would be wise to stick to your boundary and make that your choice.

Move to master bed room If you can.

V

She is trying to make you out to be the bad guy here, you are controlling and kicking her out.

The R between her and the kids is completely her issue, I have seen many times here where its recommended we not expose them, but we clearly state we are not going to lie to protect them either. I would not say "Mom does not love dad anymore" She may or may not ... who knows .. truth is Mom has made a choice to leave and I will not stop her from doing that.

I would tell her, its her choice to leave or stay, You can not allow her choices to effect you. "I will not stay in a marriage that is against my morals where my W is disrespecting me, our M, our Family and our children by carrying on with what you are doing. We can tell the children but I am not going to support you in this choice that you have clearly made, nor will I lie on your behalf." is something very close to what I told my W.

Originally Posted By: Vanilla

I will keep checking in until a Vet joins us.

I think you are qualified V.

Good job!

Good point V. But she has told me that she doesn't know what she wants a few times when I asked her in the past if she still loved me. Back when I was doing the wrong thing.

I never even said anything to her about her having to leave. I told her that it was her choice. Quit the job and work on the marriage or keep doing the job and I will just go on with my life. I said either way i don't support this kind of job. I choose that I don't want to be involved in it.

Originally Posted By: Joe406

Good point V. But she has told me that she doesn't know what she wants a few times when I asked her in the past if she still loved me. Back when I was doing the wrong thing.

Can I remind you of Sandi guidelines?

Do not believe 100% of what they say and only 50% of what they do

Joe whatever you were doing, WW decided, chosse to be wayward and not address her M and her boundaries

Your boundary Joe, speak for Joe and what Joe wants

It is clear to me that your boundary does not include 'throw you out' . That is W trying to make a distraction.

V

Thank you V. I struggle with that stuff alot. I have been controlling in the past. I am trying to change. During times like these, it is tough. I always feel like I am doing the wrong thing. Handling it wrong. Saying the wrong things.

I did state during our conversations that I was only thinking about me. She could do whatever she wants. I was just choosing not to live in this drama anymore! And it is against my morals.

Joe

You have travelled a long way this evening in your journey.

I am so very pleased for you and this is huge in your own personal growth and I believe this will change your sitch with W enormously. The light of truth is there.

Your boundary Joe. Let W be W and Joe be Joe. As long as you stick to your boundary then you are in control of you.

V

Thank You V! You have helped me so much with this today. You have no idea. I am forever grateful for you, cadet, sandi and the others I have talked to. I have alot of work to do for myself, but I feel better and feel like I will be okay. I have my own cell phone plan!! Yay!!

Joe

This is a new start for you.

Can I suggest you start a new thread?

Then you will be able to receive more posts, plus if you start a new one before this 'locks' then posters can quote easily and discuss what happened in this thread.

Go to forum list newcomers and start the new thread using the new topic tab on the top left. I number my threads to make it easier to track.

V

She did tell me, when she was throwing a fit, that I did not even know she has gone to strictly dispatch and only takes a few calls now. I said, that she has said that before and how would I know when she never talks to me. I said it doesn't change anything, I don't want to have that going on in the house. Actually, I slipped and said My house. She does not like that. D said, well it is your house, you pay the rent.