Hi Everyone.
My wife of 19 months dropped a bomb on me a few weeks ago saying she felt she had to move out so she can find herself and get her head on straight. Well, three weeks ago, she did indeed move out. I'm still in shock over this.
We dated for seven years prior to marriage and always felt like we made the best team. We had a great time together. Minimal fighting. Lots of laughter and great times.
This past July, she told me that something was wrong, like maybe the spark wasn't there anymore. We went away for a long weekend and when we got back everything seemed ok. It seemed as if the stress of her job was getting to her.
Shortly after we got home, she received news that she got a new job and would be starting asap. This was awesome news. I was so incredibly proud for her!
Anyway, fast forward six months and she drops this news on me that she feels like there is no other choice but to move out. Huh?!? Where did that come from?!
We went to a couple of counselng sessions but it was an epic failure. She told me she is no longer inspired by me and disappointed in me that my start-up is taking longer than expected to launch (I have zero money issues, so her supporting me was never an issue).
We met last week at a local restaurant, and she told me she misses me, but she is happy living on her own. With that news I said let's give this six months, and she said she'd like three months. So I said fine to three months.
I'm trying to keep my distance from her, so she can figure out what is going on in her head. I'm really at a loss. Should I prepare for a divorce? Half of me says she'll never come back, while the other half remains optimistic.
She told me we are a great couple if we were in our 60's (we are in our 30's). This is just baffling to me.
Any insight would be appreciated. Thanks.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2380415&page=1Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
(
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534754&page=1).
Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2183063&fpart=1Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Thanks for these. I liked Sandi's rules.
I have to detach from her. As tough as that is going to be, I just need to do it. Begging or being angry won't help anything.
Cyclist - Sorry about your situation. I recommend that you create your signature, like mine, under your profile. It helps the community to understand and remember your sitch, tailoring their advice. And then keep on posting.
Sorry about your situation. I recently read this quote in a book, it really hit home with me:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
We are supposed to have date night sometime this weekend, but it takes her a day to respond to texts, so I've stopped communication with her.
I'm wondering why she moved into the building right next door to our apartment.
10 weeks left of this trial period. Not hopeful.
Welcome aboard. Have you read the book Divorce Remedy? Do so ASAP.
I need a ask some questions. Are you presently working? If so, would your job be seen as being on the same level (salary wise) to your W's new position?
With her new position, has she been seeing a new group of friends?
Do you think the timing with her pulling back all ties in with her new job? And is the new position with the same employer?
Hi Cyclist, welcome. You find the right place. It sounds pretty devastating and put of the blue and also very similar to how my Bomb dropped, although my W didn't move out instantly. It must be horrible.
Read as much as you can and gain knowledge fast, it's going to help you a lot. Maybe start reading my old threads since I have the feeling there is a similar thought process going on in your wife than mine. She separated from me bc of developments at work and a higher social status that she had, and many many other factors.
Read the book before you do anything else tho.
You for sure found the right place here!
Hang in there, help is on the way.
Sandi, I'll snag it and start reading.
I'm working on getting the business launched, so right now she makes a higher salary than I do, but I have some hefty dividends and a couple of trust funds that pay out so money has never been an issue.
I know her schedule is brutal so I always made sure dinner was made for her. Made sure the cars were serviced. Did all the errands. Did all the grocery shopping. Did all the laundry. Made sure all bills were paid. Planned the wedding which my family paid for. I thought I did a good job pulling my weight.
She's in television, so she does have a new group of friends. She supposedly went on a ski weekend with a few of the girls the first weekemd she moved out. saw some pictures on facebook of her and these girls.
Her new job is with another network, but she voiced that there was a problem over the summer. This was before her new position. When she started the new gig, she said she felt great and we were doing well, but the whole time she was still unsure about us. She confided in her mother, but didnt say a word to me about her reservations.
Complex, I'm going back now to read your old threads. Hopefully this'll help with my anger issues (sadness to anger and disgust. Glad my emotions are still cycling ha).
She told me we are a great couple if we were in our 60's
My wife said a variation of this... To my wife at least it means that things aren't exciting and new enough on a regular basis. She wants ore out of life.
Hope this helps.
Lol. My W just went on a ski trip too. And she told me all the same stuff. If we were old ppl it would be great, blah blah.
But not just that, there are a LOT of parallels I see in both our sitches already.
You will see/read what happened in mine and it's something you don't want to hear. We are probably of the same breed of men dealing with a similar breed of women.
For now keep reading and go out if you can to do some fun activities. Distract yourself. All your emotions are totally normal. You have to let them out before you can start thinking at least somewhat rational again.
Since I'm still pretty new I cant give you much advice other than you can always keep hope. There is nothing wrong with hope, you just cant have any expectations.
Also, exercise helps so much with sadness and anger. I stopped exercising for a week during vacation and my emotions(anger/depression) hit me hard. Before this I didn't realize how much the daily exercise was helping.
saw some pictures on facebook of her and these girls.
This is what I am dealing with. We have over 200 "shared" friends on FB and all I want to do is delete her. I have switched her to "don't follow" and did the same with facebook chat. So if she is online, I don't know it. The ONLY reason I know when my WAW is on FB is if I go to her page, which I find myself doing more and more. Frankly, I am debating on just deleting her. Which will cause a HUGE fight, but it might give me some closure, something to consider.
Went out to a bar last night to grab dinner with my neighbor. It was nice to go out and just shoot the breeze with him. He's in the same situation so it became a gripe fest near the end, but still nice to have a few glasses of wine and enjoy some good food.
I'm hitting the gym 5-6 days/week. It's a wonderful distraction. I also sent my bike to the shop for a tune-up. Going to get back on it and pedal my 60-75 mile rides on the weekend.
My utter disgust for my WAW is very present. She didn't move everything out of the apartment yet. I told her to keep the key in case the dog needed to be walked. That may have been a mistake since it may or may not give her the feeling of control. Debating on whether or not to ask for the key.
First full day of NC and not a peep from her. Were supposed to have a date night tonight, but since she didn't initiate contact, it never happened.
Guess it's back to living like I'm in my 60's. Eye roll.
First full day of NC and not a peep from her. Were supposed to have a date night tonight, but since she didn't initiate contact, it never happened.
Whoa..........what???
Cyclist,
I am curious about a few things.
I see that you were together 6.5 years before marriage for a total of 8 years, if I am reading it correctly. How do you guys communicate and conflict resolve? What are her core things she has told you over the years that bother her about you or your marriage? You have told us what she said now that shes gone and you've told us a little about the dynamics of the roles in the household. Give us more about the inner workings of the relationship.
You say she's in TV. Can you elaborate a little more without giving too much information? I.E. is she an on air personality, behind the scenes, a writer, etc.
This new "crew" of hers, any clue as to who these ladies are or how many of them are possibly divorced?
Sandi, right!? I'm so disgusted with her right now. I should have kept the keys to the apartment.
Jefe, we rarely fought during the dating/engagement/marriage. On the rare occasions we did have a spat, it was usually cleaned up in a day or so. Not sure what you mean with the inner workings. Please clarify.
Don't really want to get into what she does. She's done it all. On-air/writer/producer.
From what I know, one is a newlywed, one is married, and the rest are single.
What is your plan of action?
I'm confused about the statement of first day of NC and having a date. Can you expound on it?
We agreed to a date night once/week, but since she said she moved out to have space and to clear her head, I decided a few weeks after she moved out to stop contact with her as I didnt want to be a bother while she got things straightened out.
We supposedly have 10 weeks left of this trial separation, but I may pull the plug sooner.
Her mother sent me an email a while back saying "if you love something, set it free..."
Such a half-assed thing to say. We're married, not high school students dating.
Her mother sent me an email a while back saying "if you love something, set it free..."
Such a half-assed thing to say. We're married, not high school students dating.
So why are you thinking of pulling the plug?
Still haven't heard about your plan of action.
I'm thinking about pulling the plug because part of me thinks she's having an EA/PA. The other half of me thinks she's only confused in the marriage.
My plan of action is to GAL, continue with my therapist, follow your rules, and to maintain NC with my WAW. I'm not going to ask her for another date night. I've stopped begging her to come back. I've stopped being friends with her on facebook.
I do miss her terribly, but I'm bracing for her to either admit some sort of A or file for a D (kind of why I want to pull the plug and beat her to the punch).
Had a slip up last night. I texted her that I missed her. No response. I shouldn't have texted her. Someone please saw my hands off. Haha
My plan of action is to GAL, continue with my therapist, follow your rules, and to maintain NC with my WAW. I'm not going to ask her for another date night. I've stopped begging her to come back. I've stopped being friends with her on facebook.
How do plan to maintain NC and then ask for another date night? Those are very mixed messages.
. . . but I'm bracing for her to either admit some sort of A or file for a D (kind of why I want to pull the plug and beat her to the punch).
What, "I break up with you before you break up with ME!" ?? Now who's being "high school?"
Starsky
I know they're mixed. I've been in such a fog with no clear thinking lately.
. . . but I'm bracing for her to either admit some sort of A or file for a D (kind of why I want to pull the plug and beat her to the punch).
What, "I break up with you before you break up with ME!" ?? Now who's being "high school?"
Starsky
Noted