My husband moved out 1-31-15, the day before my birthday.
We weren't getting along for awhile now. We were constantly at each others throat all the time. So, I thought we should take a time out, so he decided to move out. He really won't talk to me. He had our daughter the week of Valentines and she had project that was due on Thursday and he had her for five days. Well, he didn't help her with her project and when she returned to me on Wednesday we had to finish it because it was due the next day. He had five days and he gave me one day. Well, I was unhappy and sent him an email telling him when she is with him, he needs to complete the project. Well he wasn't happy about it. So when he left her clothes at the house, I told him that I left him something on the table, it was a box of his favorite cookies for Valentines Day. I got upset with him because he couldn't even say thank you for them. We got into it. Out of anger I filed for divorce. I told him that night. He told me that he did not want a divorce. I told him then I would hold off if he really meant it.
Well, he came over last night so we can talk. He said that he doesn't want a divorce but he really couldn't make a decision because he was so angry with me. That he needed time to stop being angry with me so he can make his mind up. I am confused. He said he didn't want a divorce, but yet he needs time to make his mind up.
Can someone help me.
I want to save my marriage, but how can I if he won't talk to me?
Hi hopeful
The best starting point is to read DR, I would say. Also, if you want to save your marriage, I would stop mentioning divorce right now.
Can you tell us some more about how your M has got to this point? What do you think has been your part in this?
The more info you give, the better we can help.
Toots,
Thank you for responding. He cheated on my twice during our 6 1/2 years marriage and I can't seem to forgive him. He shows no remorse and does not accept responsibility for his actions. We lived like roommates. He blames me for everything. On weekends he would stay in our bedroom and watch all weekend long and ignore my daughter and me, like we were invisible. I tried talking to him about it but it went in one ear and out the other.
He told me that he loves me, but hates me at the same time. What does that really mean?
Did you order DR already? I mention your part in this because that's the part you can control and that's the central theme of MWDs books. If you can control and adjust your own behaviour, it may lead your H to respond differently.
I'm sorry to hear that your H has had two A's - that's tough. Have you had a look at Train's thread? Her H had an A and then a further A a number of years later. The work that you do to heal following an A is all important in terms of the sustainability of your M going forwards, and protecting your M from possible future A's.
Have you looked at the Dear Peggy website? It's a useful resource for people affected by infidelity. She talks about two kinds of healing after an A - individual and marital.
Individual for the BS is coming to terms with the reiection, learning to trust again, learning to forgive and so on. Now, that healing may take place within the marriage, or it can take place alone too - and this is an area where you have some control.
Individual for the WS may be coming to terms with the guilt, understanding why things happened, forgiving yourself for the hurt caused and so on.
Marital healing are the things you do together to heal and move forwards after the A - disclosing what happened, being transparent, understanding why things happened, working on things that made your M vulnerable to an A, rebuilding trust and so on.
I would say that it's pretty difficult to heal within the M if your H doesn't show remorse and doesn't accept responsibility. Equally, you chose to continue in the M, despite him not showing remorse or accepting responsibility, and you need to 'own' that part I think.
Did you discuss how your M became vulnerable to the A's. Were there needs that he expressed, and didn't feel were being met?
When you say he blames you for everything. What does he blame you for?
Yes, I have both books.
I will read the recommended resources that you gave me.
He said the reason why he can't be intimate with me is because I walk around looking like I am mad at the world, which I am not. I tried explaining to him that we both work full time but when I come home I have deal with the D, homework, dinner, cleaning and her bathtime while he does nothing to help. He told me that all I have to do is ask. Why should I have to ask for help when he can see everything that I do.
How do I find Train's thread?
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2539993&page=1There you are. That's the most recent one. But if you click on Train on the top right hand corner, you can also go to all her posts in the drop down list.
A couple of things jump out at me:
1) Your H says you walk around looking mad at the world and so he doesn't want to be intimate with you.
2) You sound mad that your H thinks you should ask for help, when you feel he should know you want help
From what you've read in the books, any ideas on what you might change to try and improve these areas?
Received an email from my husband last night.
He said that he was thinking and realized he was depressed. And that he was going to start taking his meds again. Which will take 4 to 6 weeks to get into his system. And if I could not wait that long, he understood if I wanted to move forward with the divorce. He apologized for all the hurt he has caused me. And he wants to adjust his visitation with his daughter. He wants to see her less until he can pull himself together.
I am not sure what I really want. I ask myself, can I ever trust him again. Well, I have time to decide what is best for me.
I need some advice.
Tomorrow is my Son's wedding and my husband wants to ride together. I haven't talked or seen him in over a week. I don't know if we should or just say I will meet you there.
Any advice?
Hope, I would advise to go with your gut. If you would prefer to drive separately then do. It's whatever you're comfortable with.
1) Your H says you walk around looking mad at the world and so he doesn't want to be intimate with you.
2) You sound mad that your H thinks you should ask for help, when you feel he should know you want help
From what you've read in the books, any ideas on what you might change to try and improve these areas?
Did you put any thought into these questions? I can relate to #2. I wanted H to help more after our son was born, but I never asked H for help. I just grumpily did it all expecting him to know what I needed from him. Looking back it's really no wonder he started avoiding being in our home. I was silently seething and he felt useless. Your H can't read your mind. You have to communicate your needs to him.
Can you give us an update on how things are going? The more information you provide, the better we'll be able to support you on this journey.
On the night of my D's birthday, I discovered that my H was texting a female co-worker saying how he is living in hell because of me. I was very upset because this has always been an issue with him Talking to another female about our marital issues. I confronted him a few days later about it and he said that he had no one else to talk to too. I got mad and filed the D papers. Well, when I told him that I filed the papers he said that he wanted to work on the marriage. So I put the papers on hold. So, the last time that I saw and talked to him was over a week ago. For someone who wanted to work on his marriage is not doing a very good job by ignoring me. I told him that I had some requirements and I gave him a list. And they are as follows:
1. He had to get back on his medicine
2. He had to see a therapist
3. I wanted him to date me
4. And he had to be transparent.
My therapist help me come with this list. He agreed but I am now confused because I haven't heard from him.
I don't know what to do anymore. I am staying busying because it is tax season.
I spent the night crying my eyes out. If someone wants to work on his marriage, then how can he ignore me. I am so confused.
A friend of mine past away yesterday from heart attack. She was only 46, just a couple months younger than me. It got me thinking, life is too short to put up with all this mess. I want to wake up and find that this is a bad dream. A part of me wants to call it quits and move on with my life and then a small part wants to fight for my marriage. How do I decide what I really want? How do I find peace with my decision? I am therapy, but that doesn't seem to help either. I am trying to stay busy so I don't have time to think, but that's not working either.
I'm so sorry you're struggling so much.
I think the solution for now is to live forward for yourself. Live through the hurt and sadness because the only way out is through, and pray for clarity.
You have a 6 yo daughter and haven't heard from him in a week? Has she? What's going on there?
I'm not familiar with your whole sitch but just looking at your signature looks like it's been pretty rocky for quite a while.
I've been listening to a lot of podcasts from a different marriage saving site (very helpful especially when I'm in the car). Last night I listened to one about when to give up. He suggested that you make a list of all the reasons you want to save your marriage.
Ex. I want to stop the divorce, I don't want to be alone, to keep your family together for your kids, you see potential for a happy life together.
Separate your list into Fear based reasons (I don't want to be alone) and aspirational reasons (I see potential in our R). If your reasons are mostly Fear based you will lose the determination to fight for the marriage sooner because the fear will fade, aspirational based reasons will keep you going longer because they are coming from your spirit. You should use that list to keep you going.
He continues to say that fighting for your marriage is a noble thing, and even if you give up without saving it you know you have done the best you can and you should commend yourself for that because that alone is more than most people do.
I know this is a very short version of a 30 minute podcast, but I hope it helps at least a little.
Also, another tidbit from a different podcast which is hard to do but makes sense..."Focus on the process, not the outcome." So work on yourself, GAL, do your 180's, focus on that, the outcome is out of your control because your H still has to make a choice.
Maybell,
He is still in her life. We alternate every other week. But according to her teachers, she is showing signs of stress as well. I am trying to be upbeat for her sake when she is with me.
Praying....that's all I have been doing. Sometimes, I feel I am losing my faith as well.
lost18,
Thank you for responding. Yes, it has been rocky from Day 1 of our marriage.
I have made a list and it wasn't good. I had more cons than pros. I can remember why I fell in love with him but now I don't know why I love him. He has caused me so much hurt and pain in this marriage. Marriage isn't suppose to be this hard. Maybe I am just with the wrong person.
"Marriage isn't suppose to be this hard."
Not sure I agree with this, if marriage were easy the D rate wouldn't be 50%, and lets not forget about the couples who stay together for whatever reason but are unhappy.
My sibling run down-
-one brother has never been married (he's 54)
-one brother is divorced
-my other brother has been married for 15+ years but is miserable in a sexless marriage, staying together for his kid and finances,
-one sister is divorced and another long term R of 12+ years ended
-my other sister has been married for 20+ years and has told me they are both unhappy but are staying together for financial reasons, they own a business together, separate rooms for a couple of years now.
That's just my family! I'm not saying you should stay with your H and continue fighting for your M, just saying it's not easy. Anything worth having is worth fighting for...maybe your H isn't worth having anymore. There is no shame in what you've done, but only you can make the decision of whether to keep trying to put your M back together. The important thing is keep fighting for YOU and your daughter.
For the record, I continue to tell my brother and sister in the miserable marriages to either fight for the marriage or move on but to at least fight for themselves...so far they are doing none of the above!
I am dreading my Son's wedding. My understanding he will be there. I am not sure why, because he is his step father. It's not like they were close at all.
I guess I will have to act happy even if I am not. Put on a show.
I am so glad yesterday is over with. H and I drove together to the wedding reception. I have to admit, I did have an attitude at first and he called me out. So I sat quietly until we got there. Then as we were parking he asked me if I was mad at him and I said no, but I was angry, mad and pi$$ed at the situation. He agreed and said that he was tired of living in limbo. He did tell me that he made a therapy appt but could not get in to see the therapist until April 7th.
He did send me mixed messages during the reception such he gave me a kiss out of nowhere, then pulled back for awhile. Then rested his hand on my leg and then realized it and pulled back. Then when we got home, we were sitting on the couch and at 6 he received a text message. Then I had a sinking feeling. I hate that feeling. He said it was his bank balance, which I knew it was true because he gets his bank balance on his phone every evening at 6. He handed me his phone and asked if I wanted to see it and I said no because it wouldn't do any good if he deleted all of his text messages. He gave me a funny look and put the phone away. Trust me I wanted to look in his phone and I probably should have.
After that, he said that he had to go and gave me a hug and said that he enjoyed himself. And that was it for the night.
But I have been doing a lot of thinking. Can I really live the rest of my life being suspicious every time his phones goes off? That is a terrible feeling and I have been living with that feeling since we got married. My question for myself, will I ever trust him at all? At this moment, I don't want to live like this.
He is still blaming me for everything. Will he ever accept responsibility in his behavior such as the cheating.
Met my H for lunch yesterday. It was kinda up and down. He knew how to push my buttons and when he saw that he pushed a button, he called me out on it. I just took a deep breathe and slowly exhale.
When we parted, he hugged me and quickly gave me a kiss on the lips.
I feel so lost. A big part of me wants to call it quits and move on because there is so much pain and hurt from this marriage. I wonder if I will ever trust him again. I can't live the rest of my life jumping every time his phone goes off. Will there always be a another female in this marriage.
I have decided to join a divorce and recovery support group. It's not just for divorced people, it is also for separated people as well. Maybe this will help me to decide.
My H and I went out on a date this past Friday night. We dropped our D off with my son, then dinner and then the movies. He did mention our R throughout the evening. I would talk briefly but that was it. Since our D stayed all night with my son and his wife, my H stayed all night with me.
Then Saturday morning and afternoon was going great until my H brought our R up again. He told me that these troubles in our marriage was my fault because I snooped in his email and saw some emails to an ex-girlfriend. He got mad at me and continue to email her after he told me he wouldn't. I told him the reason why he was so mad at me is because I caught him.
He told me that I live in the past, but he is the one that brings the past up constantly. So in my opinion, he is the one living in the past.
I have a question, how do you know if someone is really working on them-self or pretending/faking?
The reason why I am asking,is because my H says that he is reflecting on himself and trying to be a better person. Well the last time we separated, he said the same thing and I let him move back in and that change lasted a few weeks. So, how would I know if he is being real about it? I'm not ready for him to move back, yet.
Observe him over time, like six months. If his actions line up with his words, over time, then you know he speaks the truth.
Spent some time with my H this past weekend. He had a semi-class reunion and I went with him. We both had a good time Friday and Saturday night. He stayed last night but he couldn't wait to leave this morning. He is confusing. At the reunion he seems to be into me but afterwards not so much. I guess it was a show. I feel like he is keeping me at arms length. He did tell me that he was tired of living in limbo. I told him that I could not make a decision about us until I saw changes in our relationship and it would stick this time. He said that he understood but he doesn't seem to be doing anything to help the situation.
I feel so lost right now.
Can someone out there help me with something.
Several weeks ago I mentioned to my H that I was joining a support group, however, every other Tuesday I would need to get a sitter for our D. He quickly responded and said he would do it. He asked for details and said no problem.
Then a couple of weeks later, he decided that he wants to play tennis on Tuesday nights. I'm like okay but you said that you would come over and watch our D for me every other Tuesday so I can go the support group. He said, well, I made a commitment to you and I will honor that. So, he said that he would get our family friend to come over and watch our D for me while plays tennis. I told him that was not honoring his commitment that he made to me. He said it was.
So, my question is, is he honoring his commitment by getting someone else to do this for him?
I haven't posted in awhile. So here I am.
My husband is picking my daughter and myself up tonight for dinner. The dinner is for his mother for Mother's Day. Not sure why we are doing it tonight but oh well.
I haven't really talked to my husband since last Sunday because we got into an argument. So I just have kept my distance. When I see him tonight, how can I put on a happy face and pretend nothing is wrong.
He told me last week that I was not the person he married and I replied back what do you expect when you have cheated on me several times. How can I be that person after that?
Then I have been asking myself why do I want to stay with someone who doesn't care for me, who has cheated on me, not once, but twice.
Had dinner last night with my H and his family to celebrate Mother's Day with his mother. At first I was uncomfortable and but once his sister and brother started talking to me, I then was able to relax. My BIL showed me a ring that was given to him and I told him that I like it but then my H looked at me and asked where my ring was at and I replied back, right beside yours. He didn't have anything to say after that. My oldest daughter picked our D up so we could go out with his sister and brother for drinks. My H acted more like my friend than my H. I'm not sure if that is good or bad. We got home (he doesn't live here anymore) late so he wanted to stay the night. So I agreed.
He woke up this morning and went and bought doughnuts for breakfast for Mother's Day. Then after we ate he said that he had to go home and shower and run some errands. Then he would be back to take me to lunch. He called me at 11:30 to say that he would be here shortly. However, it was almost 1:30 before he got here, but he did have a surprise for me. He picked my son up and then we all went to a late lunch. My H gave me two gift cards from my daughter, which I was surprise to receive. Then after our late lunch,we dropped my son off at his house then we took our D to the park for 30 min. While we were at the park he said that he was going to drop us off at the house then he was going to go and hang out with his sister and brother. His sister lives out of town. She is here for a visit. I was sad but understood that he wanted to see his sister.
I sent him a text tonight saying thank you and how I appreciated everything that he did for me for Mother's Day. He replied back with a short text say your welcome.
I wish he would act more like my husband instead of a friend. But I guess that is a start. I will continue with my detaching and not pursue him and let him pursue me.
I wish he would act more like my husband instead of a friend. But I guess that is a start. I will continue with my detaching and not pursue him and let him pursue me.
Hello Hopeful,
Yes, please continue with your detaching and let him pursue you. It's not easy, but you can do it.
Happy Mother's Day.
Your friend,
Bob
Thank you so much for replying. I will continue with detaching. I have joined a support group and it has helped alot. I am telling myself to take advantage of this time and do something for myself.
I am confused if I am the WAW or LBS. I asked him to move out so we both can get our act together.
Can someone tell me which one I am?
I am confused if I am the WAW or LBS. I asked him to move out so we both can get our act together.
Can someone tell me which one I am?
What I will say is that it is not unusual for the LBS to become a WAS, that is really part of the script that seems to play out here.
It really doesn't matter tbh,
you need to focus on yourself,
and become the best you can possibly be.
Then when you are fully whole and healed worry about a new
relationship, with whom ever YOU choose!
Thanks, I am working on myself and not dwelling on him. It's been hard but I am doing it.
My husband and I are going to marriage counseling and she suggested that he moves back in so we can work on our marriage. A part of me agrees however another part does not agree. I haven't seen any changes from my husband and I mentioned this to him because it is my concern. He told me if he didn't move back in, how will I see his changes.
What do I do? I am confused.
My H and I have MC appt today and I am nervous. He wanted this, but I did tell him if that was going to be an hour of us bashing each other then lets forget it or if this is going to be how to work on our marriage then I am in. So I made the appt. The reason why I am so nervous about our session today is because we both took this compatibility test and I am scared she is going to say we are not compatible. He asked me what would I do if she said that and I told him that I was still working on the marriage because someone is not going to tell me that I am not compatible with someone else. I asked him what he would do and he said he would cross that bridge when it happens. I told him if he truly wanted a divorce then grab his ba11$ and tell me and he said that he did not want a divorce. But in my gut I don't believe him. I did send him an article that I found in a Psychology Today magazine about compatibility. I'm not sure if he read it but this is what is said:
Compatibility does not hinge on some personal inventory of traits. Compatibility isn't something you have. It's something you make. It's a process, one that you negotiate as you go along. Again and again. It's a disposition, an attitude, a willingness to work
My H is having knee surgery tomorrow and he is planning to stay at home because I will be taking him to surgery. I told him after surgery he had two options, he could stay at the house and I can take care of him there or I can stay with him at his place. He said he preferred to stay at his place because we had stairs, which I agreed with him. However, he told me that he appreciate me wanting to care for him but he would be okay. And I left at that.
Hopeful, I've never read your sitch before that I can remember.
You seem very controlling, not just in what he does, but in how the relationship should be viewed. This goes back to post one (from round two) where you tell him what he has to do as a parent, then get upset for him not saying thanks for a gift he didn't ask for. It extends to your last post telling him what he can and can't do in counseling, trying to define for him how compatibility works, and a disdainful comment about how he needs to communicate with you if he wants to end things.
The problem with DB is that if you think reading this makes you wiser, your opinions more valid...and that since he doesn't know the 'interpersonal relationship rules' he's just immature, or flat out wrong- well that won't get you anywhere. The whole point of this is you being a leader to bridge the difference. Many M's are saved with one spouse leading the R.
I read about how your H said he loved you and hated you at the same time, how he avoided you and the kids. Prior to BD my STBX and I were NOT speaking for a total of 3 years out of the last 5. Usually 6-8 month increments. I know exactly the sort of exasperation that leads to not speaking. It isn't anger. It is DEFEAT. Just going through a grieving process that never ends, because you can't accept divorce, but you can't accept your partner's behavior towards you. I tried not to focus on my STBX's behavior in my first few posts, but looking at it the dance you two are doing is very similar.
I've got no horse in this race, but I do subscribe to the compatibility quote you posted. In your case I'd recommend going back to a beginners mind and working on processing through your resentment. If all you can see when you look at him is a half man who's inferior R skills have caused you pain that you don't know you want to deal with...well, I don't know what kind of reaction you're expecting to get.
Zues126: I don't think I am controlling. The therapist made it clear to the both of us at our first session that if we are going to keep pointing fingers at each other then we are wasting her time and our time. And when he said that he wanted to go back to counseling, I just reinforced what the therapist said to the both of us.
Regardless, if he asked for a gift or not, I was raised to say "thank you". It is called manners. I thank everyone for everything.
Yes, I want to communicate with me if he wants to end things because I am tired of living in limbo. I don't think anyone should live in limbo because it's not healthy.
Yes, there is resentment for towards him because of him having affairs, however if he did his part when we got back together four years ago, then that resentment would have disappeared. However, I am not letting that resentment control me. I don't sit and think about what he did, I sit and think about how I can change and we can put all this back together. The therapist told him that if he did work in this relationship, we would not be here today.
Had a pretty good day yesterday with H and D. He invited out to lunch with him and his family. H and D picked me up, we stopped at Wal-mart to buy our D a new bike, then off to lunch we went. After lunch did a little more shopping and then we went back to my place. Him and D stayed for awhile. She played and we watched a couple of movies, had dinner and then they left. We did not talk about the relationship at all. He hugged and kissed me a few times during the time we were together. Then it was time for them to leave. Our D asked when can Daddy come back home and I said I don't know right now. I gave her a hug and kiss and when I turned around H was standing there and he gave me a hug and a kiss and said good night.
We do have a MC appointment tomorrow so I can't right for that.
Today is the last day of school for our D and this weekend we are suppose to go to Sea World as a family to celebrate her going into the first grade. I am looking forward but I am also nervous and scared as well.
Zues126: I don't think I am controlling. The therapist made it clear to the both of us at our first session that if we are going to keep pointing fingers at each other then we are wasting her time and our time. And when he said that he wanted to go back to counseling, I just reinforced what the therapist said to the both of us.
Regardless, if he asked for a gift or not, I was raised to say "thank you". It is called manners. I thank everyone for everything.
Yes, I want to communicate with me if he wants to end things because I am tired of living in limbo. I don't think anyone should live in limbo because it's not healthy.
Yes, there is resentment for towards him because of him having affairs, however if he did his part when we got back together four years ago, then that resentment would have disappeared. However, I am not letting that resentment control me. I don't sit and think about what he did, I sit and think about how I can change and we can put all this back together. The therapist told him that if he did work in this relationship, we would not be here today.
Here's what I read in your post:
You're wrong Zues.
Therapist says I'm right he's wrong.
Cultural manners say I'm right he's wrong.
Courtesy and consideration say I'm right he's wrong.
Reminder he had an affair, that was wrong.
He didn't do his part after, that was wrong, therapist said so.
I'm resentful, that's his fault.
I won't debate any of this with you because obviously I'd end up being wrong and I'm wrong enough times already without picking a losing battle.
They say when you say something about someone else you reveal more about yourself than about the person you're speaking about. When person A says something about person B, I don't know anything more about person B than that someone has an opinion about them, but I know person A is willing to share that opinion about someone else.
By the way, I've never met your H and have no doubt he is a flawed human, maybe not even someone you can be with. I'm not here defending someone I don't know.
I referenced a video on my thread that I'd recommend watching. It's 20 minutes or so. Has to do with expectations and score keeping with a new twist.
H and I had MC session yesterday and it was very emotional for me. I did chuckle a couple times inside because I noticed H was doing some back paddling.
But I have to say I am coming to the end of my rope with this marriage. I have done nothing but try and try while he sits back and enjoys the ride. The therapist wanted me to tell him what I wanted out this relationship and I refused because I have told my H numerous times and he just doesn't care. I told her that I was not ready for him to move back because I have not seen any improvements from him. He must have seen improvements from me because he wants to move back in. I am starting to feel happy once again and I am doing things for myself and he sees that.
Our therapist asked why I wanted our marriage to work, honestly I couldn't tell her. This worries me. I know I love him and she asked why I loved him and I couldn't answer that as well. That scares me as well.
We are leaving Thursday night for Sea World for the weekend so this will be an interesting few days. I have decided to wear a rubber band on my wrist so if I feel myself getting upset, I will pop it. I don't know if this works, but will give it a try.
This past weekend with H and D was pretty good. With the exception of D threw a few tantrums, which was very stressful.
We spent Friday and Saturday at the theme parks, which was exhausting.
A couple of times H held my hand throughout the day. And we kissed several times. But I felt like I was hanging out with a friend. Then on Sunday when we came home, he hung out for the rest of the day. I cooked dinner, bath our D then we put our D to bed and he stayed for about 30 min then left.
Then he emailed me yesterday asking me how my day was going and said that he enjoyed the weekend as a family and couldn't wait for the next time. Which is week after next.
And we never talked about us or the relationship.
I know I really enjoy spending time with my W and have learned not to talk about "us" during this time, I'm hoping to get to the point where we can attend counseling together soon.
Best of luck
Thank you.
I wish you luck as well.
We do MC once a week and it has helped.
Hopeful,
It sounds like you had a great weekend. And good work on the no relationship talk. Stay strong and focused!
Hope,
Reality check. y'all kissed a couple of times and you are complaining? I think you are rushing and pushing your expectations on where you think you should be at this point. it's about noticing and appreciating the small steps! and he said he can't wait to do it again?
read some of these other threads and realize how thankful you should be right now. a spouse is a friend that you inappropriately touch. just saying enjoy where you are. can it get better? sure. can it get worse? definitely.
kudos on keeping it light and fun. keep doing that. it is obviously working. do what works, remember?
Whoa bravo61! I am not complaining at all about how many times we kissed or held hands. And I am not rushing anything here. I am the one who keeps slowing things down between us. If he had his way, he would move back in today.
If stating that it felt like I was hanging out with a friend complaining, that was not my intentions. That's was how it felt to me.
And I do read other people's threads on here and I am very thankful for where I am at.
When we are together, I do not bring up the relationship unless he brings it up and then I trend lightly.
glad to hear it. i guess it was the context because you followed up the statements with a "but".
keep doing what works!
I guess nothing last forever.
Last Friday my H and I went to a birthday party and had a good time. We even spent the whole weekend together and that went well as well. Then I don't know what happened. He became very distant with me. We had a marriage therapy appointment together this past Thursday, however, he asked to go by himself and I agreed. We were suppose to meet the Friday after that for happy hour and canceled on me. Today I found out the counselor told do not have contact with me while he figuring out what he wants. It's hurt but I told him that I would honor that. I don't know what happened. We were having a good time and then bam I feel like I am back at day one. I can't stop crying and feeling so depressed. I know I need to get a life, but that is easier said then done.
OK. Let me try this again. I typed several paragraphs and lost.
I don't understand why the counselor told him not have any contact with because it may muddy the waters. But a few weeks ago she wanted him to move back in. I don't get it. I see her this coming up Tuesday and I plan on addressing the issue with her.
So this is my third day without any contact what so ever. I am trying not to think about him, but I can't help it. I wonder if he is missing me at all or does he care. I get my D back tonight so this up coming week will be focused on her.
His brother told me just be patient with him. His family is really upset that he is doing this. They don't understand what he is thinking.
I have fallen into a deep depression and taking my meds. I can't wait for them get completely into my system. I am taking some for anxiety as well.
I am not sure how much more I can handle.
H sent me an email on Wednesday to say hi and see how I was doing. He also told me that he paid for our D activity fees for the month of July. I replied back just with a thank you.
So, this morning I received a text from him this morning inviting me to dinner because his sister was in town. I accepted. I am nervous because it's like my first date. And I guess I am confused because Sunday he told me that the counselor said no contact and then he is inviting me a family dinner. They all know that we are separated.
I am going with flow. But I am scared that I don't know how to make conversation with him.
Well, last night was very stressful for me. We were with his family and he was kinda ignoring me. I had made two unnecessary
comments to him in front of his family and when I caught him alone I apologized to him and he smiled and said that he accepted.
He dropped my D and myself off at our house and I asked if he was coming over for the 4th July fireworks and he said he had plans. He looked at me and said don't work, it's not with a female and I asked then who with. He gave me a funny look and I said I am still your wife. So he told me it was with some female and her husband that they worked with. I told him that he can tell our D that he won't be here. And he did, and she broke down and started to cry. She said Daddy I love you, but you are breaking my heart. Well then that broke my heart. It's like his heart is like ice towards me and our D.
I am not sure how more of this I can handle before I say f*&%$ it and file the paperwork.
I talked to him later and asked what he was thinking and he said what do you mean and I asked if was thinking about coming back or a divorce. He replied but and I said I don't know what I want right now.
He did tell me since I don't trust him 100% that was an issue for him. Well, he cheated on me several times and what does he expect. I reminded him what the therapist said about when he moved back in that he did not do his part and without him doing him part, the trust would not come back.
He was the one that ran the marriage in the ditch, why is it my responsibility to pull it out by myself?
Well, last night was very stressful for me. We were with his family and he was kinda ignoring me. I had made two unnecessary comments to him in front of his family and when I caught him alone I apologized to him and he smiled and said that he accepted.
He dropped my D and myself off at our house and I asked if he was coming over for the 4th July fireworks and he said he had plans. He looked at me and said don't work, it's not with a female and I asked then who with. He gave me a funny look and I said I am still your wife. So he told me it was with some female and her husband that they worked with. I told him that he can tell our D that he won't be here. And he did, and she broke down and started to cry. She said Daddy I love you, but you are breaking my heart. Well then that broke my heart. It's like his heart is like ice towards me and our D.
I am not sure how more of this I can handle before I say f*&%$ it and file the paperwork.
I talked to him later and asked what he was thinking and he said what do you mean and I asked if was thinking about coming back or a divorce. He replied but and I said I don't know what I want right now.
He did tell me since I don't trust him 100% that was an issue for him. Well, he cheated on me several times and what does he expect. I reminded him what the therapist said about when he moved back in that he did not do his part and without him doing him part, the trust would not come back.
He was the one that ran the marriage in the ditch, why is it my responsibility to pull it out by myself?
Hi Hopeful, looking through your post above, you are doing lots of things (I highlighted them) that are contrary to DB advice. Pursuit and pressure. Have you read DB and DR?? If not, it would be a good idea and may help your approach.
From what you post, your H isn't 'in' right now and I think you need to detach and live your own life until/unless that changes. Sorry you are finding things so touch and take care x
Toots,
I know I did a lot of backsliding last night and I let me emotions get the best of me. Everything that you highlighted I knew it was wrong as soon as it came out of my mouth.
I was doing great this past week until he called and invited us to dinner with his family. My gut told me not to go, but I was told he was reaching out and then I should go. I guess I need to listen to my gut more.
And you are right, he is not ready.
Thank you for replying. I really appreciate it.
Toots,
I know I did a lot of backsliding last night and I let me emotions get the best of me. Everything that you highlighted I knew it was wrong as soon as it came out of my mouth.
I was doing great this past week until he called and invited us to dinner with his family. My gut told me not to go, but I was told he was reaching out and then I should go. I guess I need to listen to my gut more.
And you are right, he is not ready.
Thank you for replying. I really appreciate it.
Glad this day is over with. Despite being disappointed that my H chose to be with his friends instead of his family, my D still had a good time.
I am not a very patient person, so how does someone learn to be patient?
I feel like I am just existing. It hurts so much and I feel like there is only one way to make it stop.
Hi hopeful - I think it's a bit like watching a kettle boil or paint dry. If you sit there and watch and watch and watch, it will seem like the longest time.
However, if you move away and do other things, you don't even notice how long the paint is taking to dry. The shift in focus is key. If we are focused on WAS all or much of the time, it is like watching the paint dry - excruciating!
However, if we have managed to shift our focus on to other things, it is far easier to bear the fact that nothing is (or appears to be) shifting within our sitch. So, on that note - putting your H to one side - what lovely plans are you making for yourself in coming months my friend??
xx
Hi Toots,
I am driving myself crazy. I am my own worst enemy right now.
Plans....I haven't made any, but it would be a great idea if I worked on that instead of focusing on him.
I just can't seem to wrap my brain around how he can put his friends first, always, instead of his family.
Our D wanted him to come over do fireworks with us last night and told her no because he was going to a friend's party. WOW, how can a parent do that. I guess I always put my family first. I was the one who had to hold her while she cried and that broke my heart. And his heart, (well he has a thumping gizzard for a heart) is so cold towards us.I have lost all respect for him.
I know this is a stupid question, what kind of boundaries do you set in a marriage?
Hi Hopeful.....I fixed this one for you
Plans....I haven't made any, but it would be a great idea if I worked on that instead of focusing on him.
(Insert: So here are some plans I'm going to make right now, which focus purely on me....)
I just can't seem to wrap my brain around how he can put his friends first, always, instead of his family.
Our D wanted him to come over do fireworks with us last night and told her no because he was going to a friend's party. WOW, how can a parent do that. I guess I always put my family first. I was the one who had to hold her while she cried and that broke my heart. And his heart, (well he has a thumping gizzard for a heart) is so cold towards us.I have lost all respect for him.I know this is a stupid question, what kind of boundaries do you set in a marriage?
Hopeful, the huge one for me was not living in an open M. We S as soon as H admitted his PA. Since then, there have been times that he wanted us to be more than friends with OW still in the picture, and that's been a firm no from me.
I also set a boundary on him talking to me about OW and how poorly she treated him. I told him I wasn't his friend, I was his W and he had betrayed our vows with OW. I wasn't willing to be a listening ear to his complaints about her. Others (living together) have set boundaries on texting or contacting OP from the house, on ML or sharing a bed, on having OP around the kids.
Have you seen Wonka's boundaries cheat sheet?
Toots,
Have you seen Wonka's boundaries cheat sheet? No, I have not. Where can I find?
I called my H this morning and told him that I wanted to just talk. Not put any pressure on him, but just let him know that I wasn't out to change him, but to let him know that I don't want to be invisible anymore and I just need a little help around the house and with our D. He agreed but will call me later to set up a time to meet.
I know is probably wrong, but I disagree with the therapist about having no contact at all.
If you think I should not meet with him and feel that would be the best thing and maybe wait for him to contact me. What do you think?
Have you seen Wonka's boundaries cheat sheet?
found it
Thanks
H text me and wants to do lunch. I really didn't expect to hear from him at all.
I pray that God helps me find the words to say and keep me calm.
You got this Hopeful! Breathe a lot and say less than you want to. You don't have to get all of your thoughts out in this one lunch.
Let us know how it goes.
PP
Hi Hopeful, I think as long as you are following the DB rules, it is okay to meet. And if there are things you need to discuss about the house and your D, that sounds fine.
But if you are hoping to meet in order that you can push some more, pursue some and have some R discussion, that's not a good idea.
So, why not make this the lunch where you turn up looking great (but not OTT great) and you discuss a few logistics, have a little catch up and avoid R talk completely....that would be a great plan I think....
Best of luck!
Too late. The lunch went fine including our conversation about our relationship. I made some points and he agreed. However, he did say something that really hurt me, but I did not cry or anything. I just sit there. He told he didnt have the spark for me anymore and he feels empty inside, like a black hole. Is he say that he doesn't love me anymore? I dont have the spark for him right now, but I do love him very.
I did tell him that this didn't happen overnight and I dont expect to fix it overnight. But we have to start somewhere.
He told he was still confused and still did not know what he wants. So, I am going dark unless it's about our D.
So now I need to start planning some activities for myself and take advantage of it.
This has been on my mind.
I have read many posts since I have been here and pretty much what we all have in common is infidelity. So why do want someone back that hurt us in the most hurtful way that a person can be hurt. I know we love our spouses but where do we draw the line. I know we love our spouses, but if they really loved us, then why did they cheat in the first place.
Do we take them back because of the kids? I think the kids would want to come from a happy home even if the parents are divorced. It's better than living in a broken home.
I am trying to figure this out for myself.
I am trying to figure out if I am a fool for wanting this marriage. I want it more than him. But why can't I just walk away? Is it love? Is it our D? Or both?
Am I fighting a losing battle?
Hi Hopeful - interesting you mention 'empty inside, like a black hole' - have you read much about MLC at all? My H said something similar - that he had a void right in the centre of his heart....to me these kinds of comments can indicate potential MLC and your H would be a prime age for it...
In terms of why would I want him back? For me, my H was a great partner for most of our R/M. I don't believe he is inherently bad at all, but he has taken a path that I can't live with just now. Will that change in time? I don't know.
Could I forgive infidelity? I hope that I can be as forgiving as many or most. And many people do forgive infidelity and heal together. Do I want to bail on our M because the going got tough? No. Do I think we could make it work again? I just don't know.
But there is no need to make decisions like this right now. If you are able to shift the focus onto yourself and move forward enough, become detached enough - none of what you are posting really matters until or unless he is interested in reconciling....
So, are you making some nice plans for yourself?
Toots,
I thought a MLC today. But my H is very depressed and lifeless. He goes to work then back home and spends the rest of the evening watching TV. He go over his brother's occasionally. I don't think he is seeing anyone. But I will research it and maybe I should mentioned this our marriage counselor. But I think he is too depressed to think about anything right now.
Thank you for answering my questions. That was a big help.
I almost made all day without crying until I got home. I received in the mail his anniversary present from me and I started crying. Our anniversary is August 8th. I am trying not to think about that.
I think I might plan a spa day this weekend. I need and deserve it.
I am not doing well at. I go to bed crying, I wake up in the middle of the night crying and I wake up in the morning crying. I can't seem to stop. I feel like I am right back at the beginning. I need a compass to get out of this mess.
I don't think he is going through a MLC because he has let himself go, for example he has gained a lot weight instead of getting in shape. He hasn't changed his appearance. He simply looks lost and confused as do I.
Can someone explain this to me? My H told me the other day that he did not want a divorce, however he needs to talk to the therapist because he was on the fence rather or not leave or stay in the marriage. I am confused. Because if you don't want a divorce then lets start working on this.
And this no contact is so hard but I have resisted because I don't want to push him away.
This GAL thing, I am trying but it so hard. i started to make a quilt for my oldest D thinking that would help me but it hasn't. I haven't worked on that in a few days. I have no motivation or drive.
I have an appointment today with our therapist and boy do I have some words for her.
Hopeful,
I just read through your thread. Sorry you are here and are having such a hard time. I know how hurtful it is to have your H ignore you as I am dealing with it now.
I noticed that it does not sound like you are really working on yourself right now and most of your posts are about your H. What goals have you set for yourself over the next couple of months? Do you have friends that you can do things with? What activities can you do outside of the house? Do you exercise at all? What behaviors do you have that you need to work on to improve yourself (we all of issues)? Others have asked you this, but you have ignored or gotten defensive. IMHO these are the things you should be focusing on now, not your H. All of these things have really helped with my PMA and with my H ignoring me. You need to work on getting a life outside of your H. Make him realize what he is missing. Work on becoming a wife only a fool would leave. You can't do that if you are always focusing on him.
You can do this!!
BW05,
You are absolutely right, I have not been working or focusing on myself. I am focused too much on my H.
The issues that my H has with me is the fact that I don't trust him my snooping and try not to be so emotional. Which I am a very emotional person. I don't have a lot friends and the ones that I do have are too busy to go out with me. As far as exercising, I haven't exercised since January, when we separated. I was thinking about joining the gym again. I am sure that will help me a lot.
I do go out once in a while by myself, but I can't seem to enjoy myself so end up back at home.
I want to try paddle boarding so I am going to do that soon. I am excited and scared about that.
Hopeful,
I know this is all really hard. If you are focusing on your H too much, he thinks you are always going to be there for him and will not realize he can loose you. You have threatened to D, but did not flowed through. I am not saying to follow through with D, but I don't think he is taking you serious. You can do this my focusing on you, GAL, LRT, etc. It does not have to be via D. Plus, if you do decide to D, you need to have worked on yourself so that you are mentally healthy to move on. You also don't want to bring same issues to next R. Regardless of the outcome, you win!!
Exercising has helped me mentally and physically. Even if you start by going for walks a couple of times a day. I do this if I start to get sad or think of H too much.
Do you have Meetup groups in your area or are you in a more rural location? They can be a great way to meet new people.
Regarding snooping, I know this is hard and I have to fight the urge. Did this start back during the first As? Have you stopped this? My DB coach put it a good way. If you snoop and find stuff it will drive you crazy since with DB you are not to focus or discuss A. You will have this new information that will cause you to discuss A which is not helpful or you will have to hold it in which is painful. Your H is going to do what he wants, so it is wasted energy.
BW05,
I never thought about him not taking me serious. Something makes sense now to me. About after two months we separated he said he was ready to move, which took me by surprise. He said that he had learned his lesson. But I didn't see any changes in him at that time. So replied back with I am not ready yet. I want to IC for my trust issues so when you do come back, we can start off on the right foot. According to his brother, he was pi$$ed and surprised that I did not take him back. Then after that, things started to go down hill slowly.
I think I will join the gym again, that way I am doing something for myself such getting in better shape and being around people.
Yes we have meetup groups but I am very shy person and I would be scared to do this by myself.
I trusted my H at the beginning of our marriage and then two weeks after got back from honeymoon I accidentally discovered emails to his ex-gf and I confronted him with this. He said he would not do it again but then months later I discovered they were still in contact. But I did not snoop after that. Then one evening I had his cell phone teasing him with it and got very angry with me, so the next I decided to pull up our cell phone bills and discovered he was texting a coworker 100 times a for three months. He left after that for a month. And that's when he broke my trust completely. Then he had PA with another coworker and destroyed our trust and everything else that was left. We then separated for seven months and he moved back home and things were good at first then I discovered she started working in his building which then I became paranoid and starting to snoop again. And you are right, this is wasted energy.
I can't control him but I control me.
thank you so much.
I should have prefaced my post with the fact that I am no vet, but sharing what others have shared with me. It is also much easier to see others situations clearer than your own. I have had a hard time with all of this as well.
It certainly seems that your H has given you plenty of reasons to snoop and sounds like a serial cheater. I am not sure how that changes things. Maybe a vet can chime in.
I Encourage you try pushing yourself with going to a Meetup group or something similar. I can be a shy person as well, so I understand. It would be a good 180 for you. Maybe start with an all women's group. Just commit to just showing up and staying 5-10 minutes and introduce yourself to at least one person. If you are uncomfortable, you can always leave.
Glad you are going to join the gym!! Great start.
This week was a little better. I had contact with my H once this week and that was thru email regarding our D.
I joined a gym. Start working out in the morning. Hopefully that will help to relieve some stress.
I really don't have plans for this weekend except going to the movies with a girlfriend to go see Magic Mike 2. I know I will enjoy myself even if its for a couple of hours.
I keep praying for God to help heal our hearts and our marriage.
I had my therapist and my friends ask my why I loved my H and I honestly couldn't answer that with the exception of our D. But last night when I was thinking about it, all these reasons came rushing to me, so I immediately typed them up for me and my therapist. And while I was doing it, I felt like I was falling in love with him again. And the things that I listed, I miss so much. Maybe one day I will experience those things again.