I have been working my butt off DB and working on myself. Today I am having a tough time. I am praying ALOT! I get so confused by my wife. Things have been improving some. We have been talking more. Spending a little more time together. We did have a argument the morning of Valentines Day( of all days!!). She had crossed a big boundary with me and I did talk about it. I feel I handled it really well. I did not accuse or anything like that. But I did talk about how I felt about what she did. She did get defensive and threw a fit. Said she does not feel like going anywhere for the day now. I told her that I was sorry she felt that way. I told her that nothing has changed. I still love her and always will. Just because we had a disagreement does not change that. I told her that we should just have a nice day with the kids. We went to town and had a good day. She got happier as the day went on. She gave me a hug before bed that night. Than Monday morning I got a hug and a kiss before I left for work. I have not received a kiss for a long time. Than last night a small problem happened. Her air mattress in her room is shot. She did not know what to do. I basically told her that this is silly and she needs to just sleep in our bed. She kind of fought me on it, but eventually had no choice. So this morning we talked about her getting a regular bed for her room. I do not want separate rooms. I told her that I don't care what her friends do. I want to sleep with my wife. I also said that I do not want to be in a marriage where we sleep in separate beds. We are 42 not 65. She said she is still working through some things. I said maybe she should just try sleeping in our bed for awhile and see how it goes.
My question is, do I help her get a bed? I have them at the place that I work. In the past I have been selfish and not put her first or her feelings. But her sleeping in a separate bed was her idea. I also do not want to be a jerk about it. I also don't want to force the issue and push her away again. I know I have done some things in the past that have hurt her, but I never left her alone in our bed. I have always been faithful too. I was thinking of telling her, that I love her and if she wants a separate bed than she has to get it. It was not my choice for her to move out of our room. This stuff is so confusing!!
Hello? Is anyone out there?
"In the past I have been selfish and not put her first or her feelings."
You still are. When you told her that her sleeping in the other room was "silly" you pretty much downplayed what she felt AGAIN. It seems like when there's something she wants to do (like sleep in another room) if you're against it, you debate about helping her.
Is this how your M has been?
I guess I am really confused. I see your point. That is why I have been having trouble with this. I do not want to sleep in separate beds the rest of our marriage. What kind of a marriage is that? Having separate rooms, sleeping apart and no intimacy. Right now I am doing something to help her. She has wanted a new vehicle for awhile now. I am helping her get it because I have been at my job longer and make more money. She wants to pay for it, but I put my name on the loan to help her get it. She deserves it. The separate room thing to me is something that will hurt our marriage. Not help it.
I guess I am really confused. I see your point. That is why I have been having trouble with this. I do not want to sleep in separate beds the rest of our marriage. What kind of a marriage is that? Having separate rooms, sleeping apart and no intimacy. Right now I am doing something to help her. She has wanted a new vehicle for awhile now. I am helping her get it because I have been at my job longer and make more money. She wants to pay for it, but I put my name on the loan to help her get it. She deserves it. The separate room thing to me is something that will hurt our marriage. Not help it.
Unfortunately DB'ing is counter intuitive.
Did you read my first post to you?
Bolded it said
"DETACH"That is the one word that might save your marriage.
For if you dont do that then I will predict your marriage will be over.
I can really see your point. And I have been doing that. It seems if I detach to much, things don't go well. I guess I am confused on that also. The one thing she told me that bothered her is how I did not pay enough attention to her in the past. I thought I was. But she felt otherwise. I thought doing a 180 for me would be showing her how much I love her and care for her. There are 2 things that make me uncomfortable about her sleeping in her room. One, it ends up being like that forever. Two, she works in her room all night. She works from home at night. On the phone. Which I have been uncomfortable with since she started doing it. It has caused quite a few fights between us.
No I have not. That is excellent! I added it to my watch list. I think I am going to get her the bed so she can sleep in her office. I need the space to work on myself also. I hope and pray in the long run that some good can come from this. I know that I am changing for the better every day. It is very hard though. I have good days and bad days. It is weird to see the signs of a mid life crisis in her. She wants to buy this fancy new truck. And now has some plan to change her hair completely. Some days I get a nice loving hug. Others I get a pat on the back. I did share with her the other day that the things that she talks about on the phone all night for her job make me uncomfortable and cross alot of boundaries with me.
The other thing that confused me is I have seen others advice about their spouse leaving the master bedroom and sleeping in a separate room and they said it was their choice so they should get their own bed. I guess I thought of it as if she was moving out, I was not going to help her get an apartment. Or act like I am supporting the situation. Because this is not how I saw our marriage being. And the way we were with each other before all this started, I don't think she did either. We did not have a close relationship. We emailed each other all day. Texted each other. Flirted with each other constantly. Supported each other. Enjoyed each other. She could not wait for me to get home and I could not wait either. We spent alot of time together before all this stuff happened.
"I do not want to sleep in separate beds the rest of our marriage. What kind of a marriage is that?"
Lose the "I". Right now it's about her and her needs. You don't have a "marriage" right now. You have a crisis. If you can let go of your selfishness you can get it back on track. But all you seem to be doing is doing what YOU want to do. And she said it was one of her biggest complaints about you.
How are you changing that perception of you? Have you read the books?
Yes. I have read the Divorce Remedy. I am reading it again and several others about learning to love someone. I do understand what you are saying. I guess I figured my feelings are important in this marriage also.
"I guess I figured my feelings are important in this marriage also."
Really? You seem to can't stop going back to yourself. I can see where your W was coming from.
Let me put it to you this way. Would you prefer separate rooms or different houses?
I guess I figured my feelings are important in this marriage also.
Here is the thing - like MR Bond said
You don't have a "marriage" right now. You have a crisis.
So we are giving you advice about this crisis.
Not how to have a 50/50 marriage which right now you dont have.
I am going to re-post my brand new welcome post to you for some extra home work.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Sandi's Rules: A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2380415&page=1Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
(
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534754&page=1).
Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2183063&fpart=1Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
So I guess I am just a selfish jerk! Too bad I did not write about all the nice things I have done for my wife out of LOVE. Not because I wanted anything or for any other reason. Like how I always took care of her when she was sick. And that is alot. She has health problems. I have given her massages, rubbed her back. Cooked for her. Took care of the kids. Raised her kids from her previous marriage. That was no picnic. But I loved them as my own and cared for them. Stood by her side through both our kids pregnancies. With her health issues, it was making trips to the hospital at the drop of a hat. Bringing her flowers just because. Sending her emails during the day to check on her. I could keep going, but I won't. I am not keeping score. I just wanted to be clear that I have not been selfish about everything. But I have seen how I can be selfish and controlling.
I'm sorry. I am just really struggling some days with all this. I feel like a failure sometimes when I see how happy other couples are. Even some that I know really how the husbands are.
Understand that we are not here to keep score or judge YOU or your marriage, we are trying to help YOU help yourself.
DB101 use a beginners mind, are you doing that?
That whole post that you just wrote was all scorekeeping. Period. I'm sure if we were to ask her, she can also come up with a long laundry list of things that she does and has sacrificed for you.
Difference is that she wants out and you don't.
What was the boundary that she crossed during Valentine's Day?
She works nights talking to men on the phone for money. If you get what I mean. She doesn't just do that. She also dispatches. But she took a call that was not appropriate at all. To her it is just a job. But as long as we have been together she sometimes doesn't think about things. I know she wants to make money bad, but she would have never done that in the past.
Thank you for helping me. I need alot of help. I have been struggling with this stuff for the past few months. It is hard when there is no one to talk to. Any other suggestions, I am all ears!! We did have a good talk at lunch today.
Thank you for helping me. I need alot of help. I have been struggling with this stuff for the past few months. It is hard when there is no one to talk to. Any other suggestions, I am all ears!! We did have a good talk at lunch today.
Start with re-reading this whole thread
I will do that. I did buy the bed for my wife. I think it might be best for now. It is better to work on myself also. It kinda hurts when I thought that have been showing love to my wife all these years and now she talks about all the bad things I have done. It was just over a year ago that she was bragging about me to her friends. about how I really help her out and what a great guy I am.
Joe,
I also bounce between a lot of emotions as well. I am in month 2 since BD and it is extremely hard, especially the detaching part.
Don't think you are alone in this.
Thank You. It has been 8 months since BD for me. Yes I am really struggling with detaching. But I am doing better. I also am doing alot better at our talks. I don't point the finger at her. Instead I take responsibility for what I have done and I am trying to learn from it. It has been a very lonely 8 month of this. We started having problems 10 months ago. But she actually told me she was having mixed feelings about 8 months ago.
Kinda feel like a wimpy sucker!! Whining on here. If I didn't care, I would just walk away. But I do care ALOT!
So you are okay with her side job?
No I am not okay with it. That is what kinda started all our fighting. But I am kinda at loss as to what to do. We have 2 small kids at home. Plus I take my vows serious. Our agreement when she talked about the job was if anyone of us was uncomfortable than we would change it. She does have a few health issues so she has worked from home alot. And now she says she is thinking about herself and this gives her a way to make money. The money thing has become VERY important to her.
How long has she been working that job? How much does she make?
Almost a year. Makes decent money. We have changed some things and moved to save some money. So really she does not have to work to hard from home for us to be okay. I make good money. She says she wants things of her own. A job, her own room, her own money. At least that is what she said awhile back. But I still for almost everything. She wanted a new truck and that is why she is working so hard at what she does. But they need my wages for her to get a loan. I told her I would be happy to help her get the truck, but I am not going to get on her loan if she is planning on leaving our marriage. I told her I am just protecting myself. She said she does not want out of the marriage. She is just tired of the fighting. I told her that we did not fight like this before this job thing came up. Before this problem, we had arguments but nothing like we have been having. I guess I just don't want to share my wife that way.
I have a question about doing 180's. My wife has told me that she felt unappreciated and felt like a door mat in our past. So wouldn't detaching be like doing more of the same as I did before. I never meant for her to feel like that. I just did not know how to show her love like I should have.
I told her I would be happy to help her get the truck, but I am not going to get on her loan if she is planning on leaving our marriage.
I told her I am just protecting myself.
She said she does not want out of the marriage.
DO YOU BELIEVE HER?
She is just tired of the fighting.
I told her that we did not fight like this before this job thing came up.
Before this problem, we had arguments but nothing like we have been having.
I guess I just don't want to share my wife that way.
SO what is it about this job that is the issue?
Do you think she is cheating?
Maybe more transparency in the job would help you feel more secure.
To me it sounds like you are holding money over her head as a CONTROL issue?
It also sounds like she is preparing for a possible exit.
On the flip side of it before the job maybe she just succumbed to you.
Now she has a job and might feel that she can do whatever she wants.
I think you need to LET GO and whatever will be, will be.
As I explained in my previous post, she talks on the phone all night to men when they call in if you know what I mean. So yes I feel somewhat like she is cheating. It is her job. But like I told her, I think that kind of talk makes me feel uncomfortable when she is talking with other men.We are married. Even though it is just a job.And yes I do believe that she feels that she has a job now and can do whatever she wants. But I am telling her she can't. If she had a different job than what she is doing, it might be a little easier. But whatever. It is her choice. She could be preparing for am exit for all I know. But I am tired of trying to guess about what she is doing.
Last night was kinda hard. While I was setting up her bed she was wearing some hot pink spandex and a hot pink sports bra. In the past I would have told her how hot she looked and she would have smiled big and teased me all night till we went to bed and fooled around.
Another thing that is confusing, but a positive is the hugs I am getting lately. She has been giving me a hug before she goes off to work and they have grown from a quick pat on the back to an actual hug. She even kissed me the other morning. That has not happened in a long time. I am thankful for the little things.
I must be a boring poster person. No body really responds to my posts.:( I kinda thought my situation was unique!
I must be a boring poster person. No body really responds to my posts.:( I kinda thought my situation was unique!
Joe,
If you look at your thread, you have had upwards of 300 views. So people
are reading about you. I, too, thought I was a "thread killer" when I started. It helps to remember that the people who post here have many commitments and are here on their own time. No one is paid to be here and they offer their advice for free. So do not be insulted if you do not receive responses immediately. As we are a community and mutually support each other, you may get more mileage by supporting others on their threads. In turn, this may bring more traffic to your thread.
In the meantime, if you have questions, pose them in your thread. If you want to update others on your situation, post it. Even without replies, there is therapeutic value for you in posting. Trust me. Just keep posting, and keep working on yourself.
Best of luck,
RAI
P.S. every situation is unique.
P.P.S. I am at work and I do not have time to read up on your sitch right now. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Will try to catch up later.
LOL! That makes sense. Guess I didn't notice if anyone was reading the posts. I knew I had a few responses. I am new to this and not to sure how to go about it. Thanks for the advice.
Joe,
I read your thread and I think you need to really start focusing on your part in things. If you read the DB books you should know that looking at your W's part in the breakdown of your M without addressing your role is not helpful. You cannot control your W's behaviour. You can only control your own actions. From reading your thread I still can't tell what your role was. You need to be more specific about the mistakes you have made in the R. Don't feel badly. When I started on DB I also focused on my W's actions too. I still do sometimes.
I want to remind you that you're posts are anonymous. You have a habit of using euphemisms that obscure what you are trying to really say. Please elaborate on what your W's job is in greater detail and how you feel she crossed the line. ALSO, please tell us about the mistakes you made in the past. More details will be helpful. Until you start opening up, I am afraid it will be hard to advise you.
RAI
Sorry. I asked for help on a different forum a few months ago and got booted for trolling. I don't know what trolling is. So I have been a little gun shy about opening up about my wife's job. She is a phone sex operator. She mostly does dispatch, but lately she has been doing alot of calls. I was upstairs the other night getting a towel to clean up the dog mess and could hear her through the door. The things she was saying bothered me. It wasn't your normal kind of call. Really uncomfortable things were being said. I am afraid of my daughter coming downstairs to use the bathroom one night and hearing this stuff. Usually she is quiet. But it was really late. I am sure she thought I was sleeping. Anyway, we have had alot of conversations about her taking those calls.
The mistakes I have made in the relationship is not showing her enough appreciation. Not showing her the kind of love that she likes. I thought I was being loving, but I wasn't doing it like she wanted. I was controlling in alot of ways. I did not support her enough or offer encouragement. I should have kissed her first thing when I got home. Kissed her goodbye in the morning. Not put so much pressure on her. Not blame her for our problems.
Do you know why she is doing more calls and less dispatching lately?
RAI
She is till doing the dispatching but taking more and more calls. Her reasoning is because she wants to save enough money to buy a new truck. She says she does not make enough just dispatching. I have understood her reasoning. But I have also shown her that with what she does make and what I make she doesn't have to do the calls. She would still be able to buy the truck. I want more money also. But I will not talk to other women on the phone for money because I love my wife and only want to do those things with her.
It is uncomfortable to know these guys are calling in to talk to her because she is good at taking calls. It's not like a job at the hospital or the office. And I have talked to her about how it might not bother me as much if she wasn't acting like she is toward me. She has lied to me several times during this job. The most hurtful was when I found emails from guys that were on a online dating site. She left her work email up when I went to use the computer and there were 2 notices of new emails. I could not open them. But I found something from the site saved on her computer when she asked me to fix it one day. When I asked her about it she told me she has no idea how it got there. Things don't get saved to your desktop for no reason. When I confronted her about the mails, she said she was trying to get guys to call in to the site. She was using her work name. I told her now she has lied and got on a dating site. It was very unpleasant.
She is a phone sex operator.
OK - I am sorry - I was not picking up on this.
So if she is crossing one of your boundaries,
what are the consequences of that?
I think you are not clear on that.
It is not something that I just put out there alot. Like I said, I was banned from another forum for my very first post asking for advice on what to do about this situation. I have no idea what trolling is.
Crossing the boundaries has been hard. I have tried telling her how I feel about it. I did have a conversation that night before Valentines Day in which I said I do not want to be in a marriage where my wife talks about sex with other men on the phone. She took it as me saying I do not want to be married to her. I told her that is not what I said. I gave her a choice. Keep doing what she is doing and we will always have this problem or find another job and start working on repairing the other issues in our marriage to make it better than ever. We have 2 elementary school children. I am taking their feelings into consideration in all this. Now I am just praying harder for her than ever before and working on becoming a better husband. I am working on myself whether things work out or not.
I am also so confused on what to do in my situation for a 180. In the past I have not showed her enough support and enough love. She says she felt like someone to cook, clean and have sex with. I feel bad for making her feel like that. I never meant to. But with this job and the tension it is causing between us, do I completely detach? Or do I do like I have been doing, giving more hugs, telling her how wonderful she is, leaving nice notes, doing things for her and trying to make her feel special and loved. It seems to be helping her some. This is a 180 for me. I did not do this enough before. I am also listening better without always trying to fix something or give my point of view. It seems if I avoid her or don't do these things, she doesn't like it at all. I am also letting her see for herself the problems her job is causing. Not just with us, but the kids don't like it because they don't see her as much. And she is having problems with some of her co workers. And now having problems showing proof of income to buy a truck. Plus her pay keeps getting messed up. But I am letting her see for herself. I am staying out of it. I am taking care of me and the kids. Spending more time with them and working on me!!
So how do I do that thing where it says "originally posted by" and reply to that?
Cadet can tell you how to do the quotes.
I am curious about how her job makes you feel. I mean, its obvious you dont like it, but more specifically...
Are you jealous?
Do you feel like she is cheating on you?
Are you angry because other men are getting attention that you want?
So how do I do that thing where it says "originally posted by" and reply to that?
How to quote
Simplest method to quote is to use the quote button at the bottom.
Next method is to copy what you want to quote and use the fifth button from the right in REPLY mode,
insert text between brackets.
Last and hardest method is to type
I have left out the trailing bracket so you can see what to type.
[quote=Joe]How to quote[/quote
Use the PREVIEW POST button before you hit submit so you can see what your post will look like.
Hope that helps
Everything that you have mentioned has been what I have felt over the past 10 months. I have felt alot of hurt inside also. The thought of her talking to these men like that hurts me inside. We used to talk dirty to each other. Yes I am a tad jealous that these guys are getting all this attention and I have not had sex with my wife since September. I know the phone thing is different. But it hurts me. I have never had to deal with jealous feelings with my wife before all this. Since we have been together nothing ever came up for me to feel jealous about. We were very happy together. She told me so many times how glad she was that I was not like this person's husband and that I was a good father and husband.
Elaborate please.
You need to know what you are feeling in order to tackle it.
I feel hurt that she says these things to other men for money. I feel jealous because she talks about sex on the phone with other men and does not make love with me anymore. I fear that our love making will never be the same because of her conversations on the phone. I am angry sometimes that she doesn't see how this is causing such a problem between us. I feel hurt because she doesn't see how much this is hurting me. I feel scared because this is not the person I knew or thought I knew.
My behavior in our marriage before was not romancing my wife enough. Not showing her love and affection. I am studying the detaching and going dark stuff. But for me, doing a 180 would be doing little things once in awhile to show her I love her. Hugging her more often. Leaving nice notes once in awhile telling her what a great person she is. Little things like that. But I believe I need to be careful if I go that route and not over do it. I am giving her space so she can deal with her things. I am having a better time dealing with mine also. Any advice on detaching and doing a 180 for me without doing more of the same as what I used to do?
Oh Man, Joe i feel your pain. My situation is VERY similar, and i've been going through some of the same thoughts/emotions.
Mine was as an entrepreneur, just putting too much energy into trying to make my career successful, and hence i neglected saying all the things i felt, spending more time (even though i REALLY wanted to) and the biggest one, not going to bed with her overnight (in fact if i made it to bed with her once a weeks it was a miracle).
I'm rooting for you, i know well the feeling!
My other problem was I did not think she wanted me to do all those things. She seemed like she was happy and wanted the rough and rugged man that I was. I have learned that I did not speak her Love Language!
I should have spent more time seeing what she liked and what made her feel loved. I can be very romantic. But I assumed she did not like that.
You know what I keep noticing, most of us are about the same age going through these issues!! There should have been a manual handed to all of us on our wedding day that warned us of this time during our marriage!! LOL!!
Joe, sorry, i realized i didn't mention what i thought could help.
Play the long tail game. Mention little things over the next few days, week, 2 weeks. Different times of the day, different positive things you see about her that you think, but don't voice. Don't go overboard, just once, twice a day.
Her appearance, something she's doing she always/never does, little things only, and build up from there.
I've been doing that the past few days, and at first it wasn't even noticed, but each subsequent time i felt a softening, again, keeping it REALLY light.
Progress by inches, not by miles as they say.
Great idea! I have been kinda doing that now. Just little things once in awhile. Things I have never done before to make her feel special.
So wife is feeling tired and getting ready to take a nap in her room. She comes out to hug the kids in HOT looking pink zebra yoga pants!! I was reading something on the couch while she was walking around hugging the kids. I could not help but look. I tried to do it so she would not notice me staring, but she keep watching me out of the corner of her eye. She almost acted like she wanted me to check her out?
It's tough, I know, and progress never seems to be as fast as you'd like it to be.
Make sure you re focus on yourself too, everyone here mentions it, and it is 110% true, GAL. She needs to see that you'll be fine with, our without her. It's hard, and sometimes totally counter intuitive, and guaranteed to be one of the harder things you'll ever have to do (I know from experience right now).
Ping me whenever you'd like though, as it really does help to have others to talk to through all this! Keep a diary, and don't let her see it. The act of writing stuff down is cathartic, and allows you to reflect back on previous days, weeks to measure how things are changing (our aren't).
Let's keep a constant dialog here, and keep those personal goals and changes going!
Nathaniel
Re: yoga pants
Be careful to not fall into the trap of "going over Board". If something like that happens again, make a simple, flattering comment, and then will yourself to not look anymore!
Women love feeling pursued, but we can go over Board and blow it ( again i know from recent experience), which then sets things back.
Be pleasing, complimentary, but not so much that it crosses into needy, or over bearing (a tough balancing act for sure).
Joe,
A troll is someone who starts an internet discussion to create discord and upset among people. I can see why that happened on the other site.
No one here is accusing you of that.
What I see right now is that your W has a job that you don't like. I can't really judge if she likes it or not, however, it is a job. And to her THAT is what is important right now.
What if she wants to work on the marriage but not give up the job?
How will you react to that and feel?
You are at a point where you need to decide for yourself if that is something that you can live with or not.
Because if you can't and you really try to reconcile this, I am afraid that your feelings about it will eat away at you and your M. They are right now.
Is there some way that you can separate it in your mind and really just look at it as a job and nothing more?
Good idea on the dialog! I'm with you. I have definitely been working on GAL. It will be so much easier when the weather gets nicer. But right now, I am working hard on myself. Praying alot. Spending time with my kids. Learning to be a loving husband. I feel so much better about myself. More confident. This forum is great!
The weird thing about the yoga pants is about a month ago she broke down one day about how she hates the way she looks and her weight. I LOVE the way she looks. I am very attracted to her. Before when I would compliment her, she would say "yeah right. I don't like the way I look". Now when I compliment her she says thank you. For the past month I have been complimenting her about how beautiful she is. Nothing over board. Just a compliment now and than. The first time I saw her in those yoga pants, I told her that she looks sexy in them and left it at that. Now I just stare when she can't see me! LOL! Maybe the small compliments and me looking her in the eye when we talk is starting to make her feel better.
I'm glad you asked that cat04. I have thought about those questions alot through all this. When she first started this job, she used to always say how glad she was that she had a normal husband. She gets calls about weird stuff. And husbands calling behind their wives back. I want her to have a job for herself. If she wanted to work on our marriage and and keep the job, I would be happy to do that. Her job may still make me somewhat uncomfortable in the future, but if she is telling me that she loves me, that I am her man and she is ML with me and cuddling with me, it will be alot easier. In the past, I never had to wonder about her feelings for me. But since this job, that has changed.It doesn't help that I sleep alone either. Could be because all the fighting.
What I am doing now is showing her that I love her. Working on myself and my issues and spending time with my kids. Praying alot!
I also need help.
How to act towards husband who just served me divorce papers? I wamy our marriage to work. I have 20 days to respond to court. I can either agree or request conciliation services which puts it on hold. I need a lawyer in order to respond in agreement. He filed divorce himself without lawyer. Presently, I avoid contact with him because I'm feeling so hurt and just want to avoid conflict. How do I leave the door open for him to change his mind without appearing weak? I betrayed his trust. I have mixed emotions about whether it's worth the effort. He has rejected me repeatedly throughout our marriage and refuses to learn about how to nurture a relationship. He's now very callous and cold. I know our relationship cannot remain the same. Please
I think I am learning!! I have started taking a different approach to this job situation. I stopped dwelling on the negative feelings I have about it. I also looked at myself and how I was trying to control the situation. Maybe I was trying to control it out of fear and jealousy. I am letting go of that fear and jealousy.I am putting all my trust in God. I sent my wife a card thanking her for the hard work she has done. The money she makes has helped a ton. We have had a ton of financial issues in the past. I am listening to my wife and looking her in the eye when she speaks. I am paying attention and saying nice things to her once in awhile. Not over doing it, just letting her know I think she is special. I have seen improvements in our relationship! I am thankful for the little things!
Thats great! Take it a day at a time with the steps, and average it a week at a time for progress. Dont push too hard, or it often blows up in your face (I've been there before).
Just keeping acting As If, and keep working on yourself, you do that and she'll notice, not to mention you'll feel much better about yourself as well!
I am feeling much better about myself. I am learning so much about myself through all this. I think my wife really likes the little notes I have left once in awhile. And also the positive messages I have wrote on them. She seems different also. This is something I did not do in the past and should have. I was very negative alot of the times.
I am venting a little!! I struggled a little last night. I feel kind of wimpy! Guys aren't suppose to feel this way. My wife had her hair done yesterday and it looks amazing. She looks very beautiful. On top of that, she was wearing these tight pants yesterday! I kept my cool and told her that her hair looked nice and she looks very beautiful. I'm not used to these changes in her. For some reason, last night I felt really lonely sleeping in bed by myself. She did give me a hug and kiss before bed, but it is weird when we go to separate rooms. I feel like a wimp for being lonely.
I hope I am doing this right. I know I have read about doing little things and monitor the results. I have been working to be a better husband and work on the things my wife said was missing in our marriage. She has seemed to like the little notes and nice comments I have been doing from time to time. I have graduated from small hugs to longer ones and a quick kiss at bed and when I leave. I think this is progress. But I keep reading about how everyone else is recommending to the newcomers to detach. It seems if I ignore her, things get worse. That is something she did not like before. Any advice?
Hi Joe
I think the thing to do is monitor progress, say on a weekly basis. If you are being more affectionate towards your W, but she is still 'moving away' in whatever way, your approach may not be working. But if she is drawing closer and being more affectionate with you, that's great.
^^ x 2.
I haven't read through your sitch yet Joe but I just wanted to say hi and offer some support. You must do what works for you Joe.
In a lot of cases, detachment is the key to ride out the storm during the initial maelstrom. It's possible to feel a sense of detachment in you whilst still doing the things you feel are working. It's so important to monitor the results.
I have been working to be a better husband and work on the things my wife said was missing in our marriage
This is good in itself Joe and it sounds like you have some idea as to what to work on (things your W has told you. Just be aware that any changes you make need to be for YOU. If they are to placate your W or YOU don't believe in the changes but make them anyway in the hope that it'll smooth things over, your W will see through it.
Good luck, and keep posting.
Barry.
I am also doing a program that helps me to realize and work on the things I have done that have hurt my wife in the past. I am working on it on a daily basis and being patient. It is helping me to learn patience. Yesterday one of my tasks was to admit my wrongs to my wife and tell her I am sorry and ask for forgiveness. It was a very hard thing to do. But I sat her down and read her what I had wrote. She cried a little, but smiled and gave me a big hug when I was finished and said we both have things to work on. It felt really good for me to get that out. I know that I am doing all this for myself. I am learning about things from that program and this forum and Divorce Remedy.
Thank you. Sometimes all this stuff is rather depressing. It seems every day more and more spouses are leaving the marriage or getting divorced. They are unhappy and cheating. The one thing I don't have much sympathy for is the cheating. I am having problems in my marriage right now, but I am not getting involved with someone else or running to the arms of another person to make me feel better. I am standing her ready to work on my marriage to make it better. Maybe I am old fashioned!! I kinda wished I grew up in the old days when wedding vows really meant for better or for worse. I watched my parents go through alot of ups and downs, no body went looking for love else where or left. They stayed together and worked through it. 55 years they have been together! Guess I am venting again!
Yesterday one of my tasks was to admit my wrongs to my wife and tell her I am sorry and ask for forgiveness. It was a very hard thing to do. But I sat her down and read her what I had wrote. She cried a little, but smiled and gave me a big hug when I was finished and said we both have things to work on.
This sounds like a positive step in the right direction that she said that you
both have things to work on.
This may be a long road Joe, so just try to keep a positive attitude, as hard as that is.
All the best.
Yes it is a positive step. And it is very positive that she is actually hugging me now and not giving me the quick pat on the back. And it is big to get a kiss also. I am taking all of that as a sign of slow progress. I am keeping positive that hugging, kissing me and looking me in the eye when when talk are all signs that there is no EA going on. I have had times during all this that I felt there was. I am hoping that if there was, she would not be holding me so tight and kissing me good night and good bye and talking about our future and the kids and looking at me like she does. She has told me that there is some hurt that she has to work through and I can understand that.
No way Joe, you're not a wimp at all, you're just having regular emotions surrounding your disconnected relationship state. Its totally normal, and it shows you that you have feelings and love in the marriage, thats a GOOD thing!
Keep remembering, baby steps, small wins!
If you're not keeping a Journal, make sure you do. Write in it DAILY. Write what you did that day, what went well, what didn't, your emotions and feelings. Then each day when you go to write the new page, reflect on your last day, and see if the intentions and you're feelings are progressing.
Thanks Swabby. I will do that. A journal is a good idea. Venting on here is good also. There were so many months with no one to talk to.
I get so confused on here sometimes. I get discouraged I guess. I am thankful for the progress my wife and I are making, but than I have days that I wonder in the back of my mind if she is speaking to someone else. She still hugs me(and those are improving), I am getting kisses now also. Wedding ring is still on. Maybe it is a gut feeling or maybe it is because I keep reading on here about everyone else found out there was someone else when they thought there wasn't. She does not want to move out. We talk alot and act like we used to alot. But there is just something that gives me an uneasy feeling. Maybe it is my imagination or more fear. I don't know.
New development! I think my wife is having an emotional affair. I always had a feeling in my gut. I have been trying to get on our cell phone account, but had trouble with the password. It is under her name. In the past I have been able to get on it. But for the past few months I could not. Today I had her text me the log in information. Didn't work. When I came home I told her it wasn't working. I told her this as she was getting ready to take a nap. She asked if I wanted to use her computer and she would log on. I assumed she was going to log on and then go take her nap. Nope. Sat right next to me. I told her I was going to look at getting a new phone and I would close her computer and put it back while she naps. She said she couldn't sleep. After I looked at a few phones I told her I had to use the bathroom and I would look later. Guess where she was when I came back out. In bed. But she said I could look at the phones if I wanted, she left the page up. I took the computer out front and found she had logged out. When I tried logging in with the same information she said she just used, it would not work! So I just happened to see on one of her web browsers her work name. Her phone sex operator name. When I typed the first letter in the search, about 4 different email accounts came up! One was her work email. The others were not. She has hid her phone for the past few months, which started raising flags for me. I have a sneaky suspicion that she may be using her work name to talk to someone. I don't have any hard evidence. But I am sick and tired of the sneaking around. I don't hide a thing from her. I can't believe how a person can hug and kiss you and talk about things in the future as a family, but screw around behind your back. What the check?
Hi Joe,
Sorry you have found something like this. This is why snooping is discouraged.
The old adage of "Peek not through a keyhole lest ye be vexed" springs to mind.
As you said, you always had a gut feeling that something was up. People who are cheating...lie, that's the bottom line.
She may well be hugging, kissing you and talking of the future to keep you there as a safety net in case this fantasy that she's possibly acting out doesn't work. Sorry to say but you may be the back-up plan right now. I'm not saying she IS definatly cheating but it does sound like she is in some way.
Personally, I wouldn't confront her until you are totally sure that this IS the case, and you have some hard evidence to back it up.
It WILL mean snooping around a bit (which is usually discouraged) but if you need to know, you need to know.
You could just use this development to detach from her though - that's what I would do first. Bear in mind that you sat and laid bare your soul to your W, and admitted all of your faults etc. She gave you a hug, shed some (possibly) crocodile tears and said that you both had things to work on. Yet in the back of her mind she was (again, possibly) thinking about an OM. I would definatly be using that to detach whilst trying to find out for sure. If you do find out and have the evidence to back it up, you could then calmly confront her about it IMHO.
Others will chip in with their take on this, and i'm not a vet so temper my advise with the knowledge that my M is broken right now and my opinion may not be the best course of action.
Try not to obsess over it, as hard as that may sound.
Take care, Barry.
I was against snooping also until things just weren't adding up! I have alot of thinking to do! There are 2 small kids involved that will be devastated. But the main reason I snooped after my warning flags came up was I am NOT going to be someone's plan B!!
I am NOT going to be someone's plan B!!
Amen to that!! No one should.
While the snooping is not recommended by most, i couldn't keep moving on without knowing first about my wifes EA. This knowledge helped me draw clear lines, especially lately. I will agree with Barry though, my M is also in a state of upheaval, so take everything i say with a grain of salt.
I found writing my daily thoughts in a journal helps immensely, sounds corny, but each day its getting more and more cathartic to write down how the day went, my feelings, interactions, etc. It's helping give clarity to the situation.
As for the EA, i don't want to be a downer, but it sounds very similar to my situation, and unfortunately you know your relationship and your wife better than anyone, so your gut is likely correct. Its a horrible feeling, believe me i know, but from my experience, its better to find out and deal with it vs. the not knowing, which just ate me up (your imagination will always beat reality).
Its rather easy to get into your phone records if she's blocked you out online. If you have her last 4 social numbers, you can call in and get them to send/fax you a copy of the phone/text logs for x-months. If not that, just push for getting access to the account online. Thats my opinion though...
It just baffles me how someone can act all nice to you and lie right to your face!! The reason I was snooping was because she wants a new truck. But with her employment, it is hard to get one. Hard to verify it and she has no paystubs. She was planning on me being on her loan so she could get the truck. I don't want to be mixed up with that now. I can see why she has not slept well lately. Maybe the guilt got to her after I apologized for my wrongs in our marriage and asked for forgiveness. She got pretty choked up. I could tell she was lying about the cell phone log in last night. You get to know someones tells after they lie for so long.
Good idea swabby. I will work on that. The hard part about proving who she is talking to is you just get numbers. With her contact with her people from work, it is hard to tell. There was a number I saw months ago that I was able to do a search. It showed up as some 34 year old guy from close to where she grew up. Back when I was doing alot of snooping and freaking out, I found the same number on her Vonage phone in the speed dial and his name there with the number. I called her and blew up! Of course she claims it was one of the girls from work and that is her husband. She just saved it with the wrong name. I was very tempted to call the number and ask for the wife and see what happens. But I left it alone.
Yeah. Read up on EA's. Its like a drug for them, they get an actual high of endorphins and Oxytocin pumped into their body from the whole thing. Its hard to turn that off, especially for women. Your wife truly not thinking clearly, as her brain is being pumped full of these extra chemicals which can actually affect the decision making process. Its whats referred to as the "Honeymoon Phase", where theres no reality involved. No kids, bills, past transgressions and issues. Makes it impossible for her to be objective and see whats really going on.
The one thing you HAVE to know though Joe, and this is a TOUGH one. Its got nothing to do with you. Its not your fault.
Cant stress that one enough.
If she is having an EA, she made a choice to do that, not you. She could have chosen to work things out, talk to you, a thousand different things, but she chose that instead. Its been one of the hardest things for me to deal with, this realization, but you need to KNOW inside eventually to heal from it. Its not your choice at all.
If you want to just talk at some point, i'm around and available to chat, sometimes just talking to someone else helps IMMENSELY.
Barry is right, if she's is, and it sounds like she is, you need to stand up for yourself. First you do need to confirm it, but breaking off, and making yourself NOT the backup plan needs to happen.
Its odd what a mirrored sort of experience this is Joe.
Does she use an iPhone, Android device? What kind of computer? A Mac?
I don't even want to go home for lunch today. I think I will eat somewhere else. I know she will be expecting me to come home, but I am freaking PISSED!!
She has an I phone. Computer is a Toshiba. The thing that made me believe some of what she was saying was her feelings on divorce. She went through a bad divorce where her husband cheated on her. She has told me forever that she does not want a divorce?????????
My H told me that fidelity was the single most important thing to him. He told me that if I was ever unfaithful, he could not live with that and our M would be over straight away. He was always proud that he had been faithful in his previous M, even though it had become unhappy.
I would have thought him the last person to cheat......but he cheated. And when I asked him about all of the above, he shrugged and said "well I guess I lowered my principles.."
Yeah, as the saying goes when dealing with an EA....
Believe none of what she says, and less then half of what she does.
These are the most salient tips i have (copied) that are helping me through my wife EA as we speak.
______________
First Things First – Take a Deep Breath
There is a huge amount of emotional turbulence that comes with any kind of infidelity. I'm willing to Bet that you've spent hours and hours worrying about your wife, your marriage and what you could have done to prevent her emotional affair.
You're frustrated, you're tired, and you don't know where to turn.
So, stop for a moment…
Get your head out of the muck…
Take a deep breath.
You're still alive. You're not divorced. But you are unhappy.
It's time to talk about you. Because after all, YOU are the only one that you can control.
You do want control of your life again, right? I'm willing to bet you haven't felt that in a while.
You Need a Plan to Survive an Emotional Affair
Moving forward without a plan is foolish. You cannot go into the future blind. Surviving an emotional affair is not something you do by the seat of your pants. You need to develop a plan of action for yourself (not for your wife), and then follow through with it.
What follows is a 6 step plan to survive your wife's emotional affair without going insane with desperation, guilt, anger and depression.
Step 1. Understanding Why She Continues to Want Him
The first step is understanding why your wife cheated. And no, contrary to what she's telling you, it is NOT your fault.
Your wife's emotional affair is now an addiction.
It's not something to be pitied, for she chose to allow herself to fall into it. Nor is it something to be pardoned, for she could at any point choose to bring the problems into the limelight of marriage instead of dealing under the table like a sleaze.
But none of that changes the fact that right now your wife is literally addicted to another man. And like any addiction, an emotional affair will be difficult for her to break free from. And also just like an addiction, the best approach is cold turkey.
Psychologists call this state of romantic addiction "Limerance", and I've written more about it in my article, What Is an Emotional Affair.
The point is, your wife began a relationship with another man because he paid attention to her. However, the reason that she can't stop is because she is unable to let go of how he makes her feel.
Again, I cannot stress enough that this is no excuse, however, it will help you understand what your wife is going through.
Step 2. Don't Be the Victim
This step to survive an emotional affair is perhaps the most important.
Now that you understand why your wife continues to be involved with another man, or why she was involved with him for so long, it's time to let go of the self-pity and self-blame.
You are NOT the reason that your wife cheated!
Even if you weren't being the best husband before her emotional affair, the vows of marriage dictate that all problems be dealt with via the spouse, not via an attractive friend. For her to confide in someone other than you is blatantly unfaithful. Furthermore, it drives a wedge into your relationship. Bf course she will find it easier to talk to a man whose only concern is getting in her pants than a husband who wants to delve into the fire of marriage problems.
In short, it was her decision to flee from the problems in your marriage. It was her irresponsibility, her betrayal, and her unfaithfulness that led to her emotional affair, no matter how accidentally or innocently it began.
No doubt she will tell you that you were cold, or that she felt like she couldn't talk to you, or that she thought the marriage was going downhill anyways, but do not let yourself believe these lies. This is called blame-shifting.
Just like any other addict, your wife will refuse to acknowledge her part in the emotional affair, if she acknowledges the emotional affair at all. The worst thing you can do is play into her denial by allowing yourself to believe that her emotional infidelity is in any way your fault.
And plus, even though it doesn't seem like it now, in the long run your wife will actually be the one who ends up with the most pain because of her emotional infidelity, especially if it costs her the marriage.
Step 3. Stop Being Her 'Safety Net'
An addict won't do anything about their addiction until it hurts more to continue than it does to stop.
That's just the way it is.
By now you're probably feeling a little bit angry. You're probably starting to realize that not only has your wife lied to you about the emotional affair, but she has somehow displaced onto you the blame that should be on her. Not only has she devastated your trust, but she has devastated your confidence.
It's time to put your foot down.
The reason that your wife continues her emotional affair is because you are giving her a safety net. She knows that if she ever falls out of favor with this other man, she always has you to turn back to. She is living without consequences, and she knows it.
This simultaneously pushes her to desire the other man more and takes away her incentive to come back to you.
Stop being her safety net. Let her know that you will not stand to be treated this way (which you won't), and that if she continues her emotional affair then you will leave (which you will). And you have to mean it, too.
I am telling you this man-to-man:
You deserve better than an unfaithful wife.
That's not to say you should abandon your marriage, but until you value yourself enough to draw the line, there is no hope of surviving her emotional affair. In the end, your wife was the one who broke your trust; it's not your responsibility to fix it.
At some point, she will have to prove to you that she is sorry for her sins and that she wants to save your marriage. The longer you remain as her safety net, the longer it will take for that to happen, and the deeper into her affair you allow her to get without any consequences.
This is something I've talked about a lot on Husband Help Haven – The best way to get your wife back is actually to let her go (and stand on your own 2 feet without her). This also applies when learning how to survive an emotional affair.
Step 4. Abandon Fear
Right now that anger you were feeling a little while ago is starting to get mixed up with fear.
You're afraid of being alone, you're afraid of being unhappy, you're afraid of losing your wife and you're afraid of divorce.
But guess what? As of right now…
You ARE alone.
You are NOT happy.
Your wife is already GONE.
And your wife WANTS divorce, because she would rather be with him than with you.
The worst has already happened...There is nothing left to be afraid of.
That's not to say that these things can't change in the future, but relying on the future for your happiness now is foolish and self-defeating.
Remember, you are the only one that you can control. So start taking control now.
Step 5. Recognize What Needs to Happen
One of the other articles in Emotional Affairs 101 is called How to End an Emotional Affair. In it, you will find a series of steps that your wife MUST complete if your marriage is to recover. I highly recommend you read through that article so that you can gain a clear recognition of what needs to happen on your wife's part for your marriage to turn around.
Just waiting around for her to come back to you and then assuming your marriage will recover is not the answer. No matter how much pain you feel right now, the dark depths of your shattered trust for your wife has only begun to show itself.
As I said before, your wife will be the one primarily responsible for fixing this. But even though it's her responsibility to take action and fix it, you can still lead her in how to do so.
Step 6. Your Marriage Can Be Better for It
The last step is a step towards hope.
Even though your marriage may be closer to divorce than it's ever been before, rest assured that if your wife is able to turn a new leaf, and if you are able to forgive her emotional affair, then your future marriage can be better than you've ever experienced.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Either your wife will not repent and you will find happiness on your own, or she will repent and your marriage will be reignited with a primal attraction that's never been present before. Obviously, you probably prefer the latter, but recognize that YOU will be happy either way.
Final Warning: Your Wife Needs to Commit
Before I let you go, I have one final warning for you.
It's normal for your wife to be slow to take the blame for the emotional affair. Just keep moving forward and focus on your end goal.
Thanks swabby! Great reading and advice! I have decided to wait a few days before confronting this. But the big problem is hard proof. What I would really love to do is tell her if we are moving forward at all, hand over your phone and prove to me there is no other man!! She can have my phone anytime. I have NOTHING to hide!!
I can feel your pain!! The dang lying pisses me off!! I hate lying!! I grew up in the ranch life and we were raised to be honest. To me lying is chicken(censored)!! LOL!! I censored myself!
Swabby, you are a wise man indeed, and that is a fantastic post that every newcomer should read!
I am just really tired of the lies!! It seems we can't get away from it. I just found out back in June that she lied to me for a year and a half about sending in our mortgage payments while we were in bankruptcy. I got the money orders and gave them to her to mail. She was working at home at the time, but wasn't making enough money. She made the money orders out to herself and used it to pay bills. We have lost our house because of this. Part of it was my fault for not seeing how bad we were struggling, but most of it was her not admitting that she wasn't making enough and being honest about how much trouble we were in. I have been stubborn, but I am not a jerk. I would have moved us a long time ago!!
Swabby, that's a fantastic post. That should be a sticky here!!
Things are getting more interesting. My stepson is now coming to stay with us for awhile because he can't live with his brother anymore. He is 19. We now have a smaller house than before. I am wondering how my wife is going to deal with all this and the lies she is going to have to tell her son. She will have to explain why she is sleeping in a separate room(which she will lie about). She will also have to work harder at hiding her job and what she does during the day until he goes to work. The bathroom is right next to her office so he could very easily hear her on one of her work calls. She is acting kinda stressed today. I was not a jerk at lunch, but I also was not my normal sweet and loving self that I have been lately. A little reality is going to set in once my stepson comes to visit and my step daughter and her boyfriend are coming down next weekend.
I am trying to figure out how to say this without it sounding judgmental. This is certainly a most serious problem here. Do you suspect that your W has conducted this type of lifestyle before you met her? I called it a lifestyle b/c this is not just a job. Don't get mad when I say this, but being very honest, isn't what she's doing verbal prostitution? Anytime a person has to hide their job or keep it a secret from their grown children b/c of the immoral nature involved....then there is something going on deep inside her. And even if that conduct did not compromise her own values/principles, it has now crossed the line in her M. It has gone too far, even in the sense of it being "just a job" like she claims it is. She has put it before her M, and before family. What mentally healthy spouse wouldn't have a problem with what it entails? and now when you tell her you don't like it, she won't give it up. I don't buy any of the reasons she gives you. None!
If this was nothing but a job to her, why would it be necessary for her to have a separate bedroom and completely stop having sex with her H? Joe, it is not money that is motivating her actions. It is not b/c she wants to have her own job, truck, etc. This "job" has taken over her life! You can see it, right?
It is serious! And these things you've pointed to yourself and said you should have been better? It doesn't justify this conduct she has chosen to participate in, I say that not to keep score between you. I just don't think you should take the fall for her decision to be a sex phone operator. Now, it has run over into other email accounts, other phone accounts, and all the free time she wants......and labels it "the job".
I am so sorry for all of you. No good can come from this.
I shoot straight from the hip, so I am going to tell you that I don't believe the perfect H could pull her out of this, b/c I don't believe that is what led her into it. Did you ever have occasion to check out her online activity before this job ever started? could you have done better? Sure, we all could say that about ourselves. She chose this line of work, and I think she is/was already addicted. And that is how this will need to be dealt with.
This is exactly why I was hoping you might help me with some advice. I agree with everything you have said. I wish I understood about doing the quotes and then I would answer each of the things you talked about.
I know she has not been in this kind of work before. She was actually kind of shy about sexual things when we met. It took awhile to get her into talking dirty with me.
Yes I believe that this job has crossed the line in many ways. If she came to me and said that my job is immoral and it hurts her what I am doing, I would stop immediately! I really feel deep down that she is having a hard time with her self esteem right now and she gets a rush pretending to be these girls. The dishonesty that is going on is crazy! Yes this thing has taken over her life. She hardly does anything around the house. Hardly does things with the kids. She has just recently started getting better at that.
I don't know who this person is now. I am really scared for my kids. ALL of them. I have raised her kids from her previous marriage and now we have 2 of our own. But I am getting to the point where this has to end. I am getting to it being a decision of me or the job!!
I thank you so much for helping with my problem. I want someone that shoots straight, to listen and tell me what they think. I am tired of living this way!!
Joe,
Does she want to leave? Or does she want to be in a relationship with you?
I have asked her that a few times. As a matter of fact, the last disagreement we had, I asked her. I told her that every time I confront her about this job, she says she is sick of me bringing it up and she just can't deal with it anymore. So last time we talked I flat out asked her if she wants to leave. She said she does not. She loves her kids and likes this house. We also had a very calm talk last week and I asked her the same question. She said she admits that she has thought it might be easier if she was on her own. Mainly because she is tired of everything going fine for awhile and than after a few weeks, I bring up her job and how I am sick of her putting all her time into it and how I don't want to be in a marriage where my wife talks dirty on the phone to other men. She also really knows my feelings on cheating. When I found those emails from that online dating sites months ago, I told her I was done and it was time for her to go. She begged and pleaded and cried.
So far my plan is to pray alot for God's to guide me. And I have detached! As detached as I can get living in the same house. I am not being mean, but I am acting happy, confident and staying busy. I do alot of house work. We live in a very small town. Nothing to do. So since we are separate rooms, I go downstairs alot. Tonight I disappeared downstairs and later she came down and saw I had my computer on the bed. She gave me a weird look and asked what I was doing. She is definitely acting different. I can always tell when she starts stressing. Her stomach gets upset. I did mention to her that she needs to think about what she is doing with that job if our 19 year old is coming to stay with us till he gets a place. If he over hears her on one of her calls, he won't take it well and it could get out what she does. That is a big concern of mine. Living in a small town.
I have also decided I am going dark sort of. I really need time to think and also need to work on myself. So I am keeping a little distance right now. I REALLY need it. I am tired of waking up every morning thinking of this stuff. Trying to figure out where I went wrong. I just want peace for awhile. It felt good to me tonight! Tonight was one of her nights off. Usually on her night off she goes to bed early. My guess is to text someone, but whatever. Tonight I could care less. In our past relationship, I have done some things wrong. I acknowledged those the other night and will work on those things regardless of what happens. But I was NOT a horrible husband. And I DON'T deserve this kind of treatment. I was a husband that needed to learn a few things.
I wish it were all me, but its copied from multiple sources, a compilation of good advice.
I'm still trying to live it daily as well.
But yes, i do agree its a good candidate for a sticky note, as it does resonate (with me anyway). I read it every few days to make sure i'm not letting myself fall into the victim trap, and to make sure i stick next to my morals and what i can deal with.
That s the best thing you can do for your emotional, physical and mental state Joe. Get out, pick up a new hobby (i'm learning to play the guitar finally, and LOVING it). Little things that you're interested in will give you outlets you can pour yourself into. Each time you do it, you gain a little more of yourself, and it stops you from fixating and over-thinking things, plus it creates a healthy distance and intention that you're focusing on you, and she'll definitely notice the change when you're in the same house living together still.
Practice a little Carpe Diem, do something you've ALWAYS wanted to, but never did. It really does wonders for your mood and self esteem.