Cup runeth over!
As that thread did, and it seems my gal.
Christmas
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2505019#Post2505019eyeliner
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2482275#Post2482275May fleas
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2473991#Post2473991http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2530406&page=2Last thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534471#Post2534471Seems the social whirl is getting huge!
Bestie is going to see if we can wangle a personal private tour with attorney General of parliament house.
Omg, I'm going to have to lace up trailer trash tendencies and all those times I was told, you need to practice manners for when the queen comes, my worst nightmare, might be actually relevant. Thanks nan!
Although, horsey folks and farmers all find common ground and plenty to talk about, the queen would be easy to talk to, we would have plenty in comon.
Indeed edz lowers spectacles takes out pocket watch taps glass and tuts
Great stuff Gg happy its being a fun positive time, you deserve it
See while you had your glasses off, I sliped the underware talk right on by you In the end of that last thread!
ah they are fake spectacles so i can lull people into a false sense of security, i read all about your expensive undergarments
Girls just got to have nice under pinings. Treated myself to some in the sales.
Might need to find something really really special. If I hit goal will do that and maybe even if I do not.
My cup really would run over in a strapless number gg!
V
I know with that price the bank account, is most certainly not!
Bit difficult tho there aren't many to choose from in strapless numbers. Let's hope the performance is better than past strapless numbers, who didn't lift much and went with gravity and slid south.
Groans and whines, today's a work day, I dun wanna go.... I wanna hang out and sleep.
Nose is cotton wool and stuffy, eyes still runny.
Sending gg positive vibes..
Dont get your tendencies confused by winding down the window to heckle the queen.
hopefully you feel better once your on the move. I always have a daily battle of will with the snooze button but once i'm up and have tea all is good.
Well buttered painkillers for lunch.
Snotty miserable. Tired. The boss of course wanted me to work back an hour, Um I Can hardly see the end of this shift let alone make it longer.
Bestie left, call in to say good bye at work. More rain, a big storm.
lol jim, that's a funny line given how many real queens I know! A have a gay bf who refers to himself a a queen, he's a lot of fun and awesome.
I really like vanillas stuff and I need to get back there and really digest what she wrote. It's good and interesting as always.
Who said what goes around doesn't come around? Lol
The noisey neighbour from next door, made a point of coming into work today, his point well he got struck by secondary lightening and had to go to local hospital.
His second point to mine for gossipy nuggets, well it seems gg over took them coming home.
Yes technically I blew them off the road!
Cute dude came in, and man his maths skill and quick eye to details, well.
Mind like a steel trap tbh, the bra thing was given out as the $10 dress that required under ware that cost a more than 6x.
The quick witted reply, wow a $70 bra! It did cause laugher oh and bestie talking of our plan for Janet Jackson wardrobe failure plans had some of the male customers absolutely smirking and laughing.
Now I'm thinking a trial run durring the week of said underware is the go.
Weighed the week end and had lost, but a couple of days of eating salty food and a huge gain, stomach is bloated and yuck. I'm not posting a weigh.
Oh and creepy stalker dude, seems to want to hang about and get my attention.
Eeeeeeeeeeeewwwwww.
I might have to kick him in the knackers again, verbally. Blerk I don't like doing it, but if he's thinking he's got a chance, it has to be done. I make sure Like today I'm not always available. Just try not to be sooooooo nice.
Trying to think of a blunt to the point nice way, perhaps explaining he's forever in the friend zone?
I'm sure it will come to me, cause I would hate to have to do the real thing if he tryed to step over the line.
Let's see what tomorrow will bring. Oh and tonight in bed and it's not stupid o'clock. Unlike last night didn't make it home before magic 11pm.
**Briefly checks he's not being referred to as creepy stalker dude, no someone else ...this time
**
In bed Waaaaay before 11 tonight, no need for station keepers watch Gg.
Sorry you're feeling under the weather again.
Too much gal, and not enough shut eye.
Night 11.02!
So my picture of where you live gg is based on various Australian movies (mainly crocodile Dundee to be honest) and a few westerns but you've now just added a hefty dose of Priscilla
I'm curious what makes him creepy?
Well, always single 50's prefers married women stated I don't want to maintain a w to expensive.
Comes from family of cheaters, depressives and his brother took his life ( manic or bipolar) well known drama of mental illness runs thru the men.
Rumoured to like a few rather than one woman at a time.
Pyscially ordinary to look at not a sexual attraction. Someone with double meaning bounce of me, which could be me being mirrored back, definitely friend aquaintence only.
The feeling that oozes from him makes me think sleezey. Think stalkerish, hangs round come past twice. Wants stuff for nothing, keeps asking re joint property about getting it cheap. He's just akward, forced Stilted doesn't seem to respect bounderies, like h.
However, the cute dude reminds me of edzs, taller quick mentally sort of gets my quirks.
More relaxed person, feels more natural less forced.
Dundee is nothing like where I'm at, as Pilbara is 20,000km away.
Mmm now trying to think shows that don't give away my total location.
Mmmm
Now I dont know whether to be flattered or jealous
BTW careful you dont get us all guessing your location! (especially us research types) we cant resist a puzzle you know!
Well edzs, the cute dudes being compared to you.
That's flattery, as he's gotta pass your bar. You guys jim edzs these guys are gunna get fine toothed in here for quite a while before I choose one or 2.
Soon, the after work crowd will be in, hope that's a. Ore interesting arvo than morning.
http://www.cinemazzi.com/top-27-best-new-australian-films-to-watch-2014Most of these filmed in sa wa or nt. One mentions Canberra as the setting. Which is quite similar to most of nsw.
There was man from snowy river too, classic high country different to nt. At Dundee style country.
I'm sure if you google nsw you can get an idea.
Morning gg, very flattered
Runs in twirls and says
Omg how's that edz and jim!
I got the cute dudes bussiness card. Today has gotten far bettera. Oh and some of h family have been lurking on the outter. Seems things are moving forwards now I'm wanting it to go a bit slower.
Now with al, the pushing I've done and wanting things to hurry up, I'm thinking mmmmm not so fast.
I don't want to rush anymore. I feeling like I want cake, vanilla, chocolate and strawberry but as friends. Sigh
Up and down round and out.
Now you're sounding much more yourself matey
So googled nsw as suggested along with the other info have a far better idea of your loc now, nothing like I had been thinking, seems very varied from the pics, lovely though no wonder you're happy there.
turns out he's not 20! Thank god.
Youngish tho, but the score card for older screwed up blokes hasn't been that great.
Perhaps a 180 is a good thing.
Well I think the dating age shinanigins says 29 for you if I remember rightly. Honestly though its so much horse hockey anyway, if you go down the dating route and youre both happy what's it matter.
Having said that Im not sure a 29 year old would want anything to do with me or if I'd feel comfortable with someone that much younger than me from others thinking Im a creepy middle aged bloke perspective, almost always dated older than me anyway or at least same age.
Not looking right now but I dont think there would be that many lining up looking my way anyway
GG if you're happy, go for it.
So chatted via fb.
Mmmmm longish chat in which I learnt not much more than age 37, and location where he came from. Which I knew before.
Sounds odd. Feels odd, he just doesn't seem to want to revel much.
H used to keep secrets and it feels a bit like h. Ask a question don't get a real answer. I will reserve judgment.
He did say he was leaving town, till his job started unless he got work I pass on some places that might need help. So who knows.
Sounds interesting, 37s a good age match (again if you're comfortable).
Hmm..
*At this stage* I wouldnt worry too much about those answers, I think
(a) {at least speaking for myself} we're pretty programmed to be open in our conversations with others from db and various IC at this stage in our lives - I keep finding Im sharing more than I did, probably too much at times so we may think people are being cagey when they dont offer up lots of info.
(b) could just be shy
(c) may be blown away by you and is worried he could put you off
(d) something else entirely
Or there could be something else going on, you're completely right to pay attention especially with the experiences you've had but my .02 for whats its worth (most likely .02 thinking about it
) just relax, see what happens and see if he opens up more
Enjoy and have fun, you deserve it.
Hey even a work mate male is like oh your getting texts.
I asked him if he can remember the Last time he picked up and had $ex. Then he's far in front of gg. Way In front.
I cannot really remember what month of 13 it was, well before bd.
It might be fun, who knows. Now the balls in his court, he can contact another time now he has contacts. Alhough his card has a pma quote about failure. Impressive.
Work besties party and we are going all out on her mate who gave away the testicles. More enormous fun, althought she had me worried about the bra letting things fall out. So I wore it to work. Oh dear, it will be good to get off at the end of the night. It's not that nice to wear, but no falling out, thank god.
Look guys it might be a bumpy ride, not all my r stuff is out here and trying to over come some issues that include major trust issues will be hard.
So that's why I'm looking at the buffet, not to eat too much but to take an educated look and find something far better. While doing better myself.
Hi Gg,
yup can understand all that. I mentioned a little while back reconcilation or new relationship down the road I'm going to have to be careful on trust issues cropping up and I've had Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay less cr@p to deal with than you based on the info you've posted here. You can only do the best, be as open as you can and feel comfortable doing. Anyone worth the effort should recognise and support you in that.
Anything you want to share and I can help comment on go ahead.
Now - being me - I could make some diversionary joke about sausages at the buffet but I'm way, way above such things...
Way above...
Well, a little bit...
Well.....
Sorry, but only a couple of trusted friends know exactly everything.
It took me about 10 to even tell anyone I was so ashamed I hadn't spoken up. Then if you look at truely abusive r, mine had all the hallmarks.
Totally text book. H used my needs and feelings as control methods to get what he wanted. Given the way h behaved, I'm pretty sure this ow was not the first.
In this family men make the infedelity mistake and the women make excuses and cover.
H cousin, as I explained he in his way was a preditory man, looking for the next ow.
H and him are close. The plan I am pretty sure was h expected me to be plan b.
With ow as plan a. Once I didn't cover or lie, I'm history.
The family closed ranks. Mil acted "as if" I was dead or ever happened.
This is why I'm so focused on being switch on. Holding value, which is something I dint really do with h, I thought I did. The stich shows otherwise.
Hi Gg
Nothing to be sorry about, you can tell us exactly as much as you feel comfortable doing. No one here can ask you to do more than that. Telling close friends / trusted people is precisely the right thing to do. I dont think any of us on here have told everything, I certainly havent gone into all the details as you've seen regarding "thing" somethings just arent open for a discussion on a forum as open as this.
As long as you have some people you can talk about them to I dont think thats anything to be apologetic about, I always respect peoples privacy, always
As to H's behaviour, well I think you know my feelings and I cant and wont defend that kind of behaviour from a spouse let alone the families response.
Indeed you should hold onto your values and self worth Gg, I (as Ive said so many times) had nowhere near the same sitch but I suppressed what I wanted and what would make me happy for many years as I thought I was doing the right thing, that blew up in my face as no one, anyone, can take suppressing who they are indefinitely and stay well balanced and happy something always has to give. All relationships (well, longer term ones) are a compromise of some sort as they are (peskilly at present) with other humans not a perfect android of all our desires, hopes and needs. Even if they were those change as we do so we'd still compromise or constantly upgrade.
We compromise but if only one partner does so its no longer healthy. Hold onto your core values and you'll be happy, thats the plan anyway.
Anyway, by my station keepers watchits after, good lord! 1AM your time!
Have a good night, catch you later.
Edz
Hi gg,
I've just put the kids to bed and am taking 5 before commencing cleaning operations. I stop on on your thread and all kinds of stuff has happened, its revelations galore.
So quick précis of my reaction.
- way to go GG
- 37 isn't young, its firstly older than me and secondly is closer in age to you than your H. Besides it only matters to you two.
- 29 would do me nicely
really though I think the bigger thing is where they are on their view of relationships. I think even up to mid 30s people still have a vision of love and marriage. I think that once people get passed that (and some do it much younger) they realise that divorce and kids and other stuff are just parts of peoples life story.
- I think edz is probably a good bar for gentlemanly conduct
- only share what your comfortable sharing, but a good IC is well worth it for the stuff that isn't comfortable. For the rest and nautical metaphor we are happy to oblige
- there's lots of reasons he may not have said much,but being mysterious and keeping the focus on you is right up there on the dating tips.
- it's a buffet, you can view, check and even taste if you like. Take it at whatever pace you like but remember a little fear (of the good kind) and apprehension is where the excitement happens.
Probably more but now I'm just putting the tidying off.
Gentlemanly conduct.....mmmm...not sure thats good or not, not may be more fun
Need more wine.....
Gosh you 2 are awesome.
Hopefully I didn't scare the Bugga. It's not like any nasty secrets were revealed.
I ran out of ic sessions. But I didn't really tell her all either. She was a bit left of center.
When I tryed to put anxiety and the eating issues I had Into context, she didn't like my language and choice of words, she got really annoyed I felt déjà u at her reaction like h, and was more guarded with her.
I didn't feel like I wanted to get Into the really hurtfull stuff, she seemed judgmental. The glimpses she saw she did, try to prepare me as she thought h was a narc. She also tryed to tell me I cared for h and only wanted the m, because I only wanted what I could not have.
Narc patterns suggest he would replace you, or have a replacement ready in place, and never return nor look back. I was totally manipulated by not knowing the truth also a narc hallmark. Narcs just don't care about anything but them, or their newest shiney toy.
Look the age gap, will be fine. Especially if he's on the inside what he appears in the outside. He seems fairly mature and sensible.
As I said tho, my choices before weren't so crash, so in time the action will out.
Doesn't smoke or drink, well so far he's yet to buy either in a month that I've seen.
There's a couple of ticks right there.
The old friend who was looking for attention at last weeks dinner, he doesn't smoke or drink, but did have a large gambling problem. It came from a nasty heart break. That's a tiny red flag, although he never lost his life over it.
They all just need a tick on the animal front, there is a large collection and townies freak at 5 dogs. Lots to keep thinking on.
Tall sexy and gentlemanly, swoons and needs a sit down. Edzs your cute!
serrious fellas your wives are nuts. That om jim he's a paper cut out.
thanks gg and thanks for being so open, nothing wrong with 5 dogs, my dad has 3 and lives in a semi detached house. Only thing stopping me is working in the day and renting, love dogs sure bft would adapt...possibly grumpily
When the part time cat comes hone all the dogs know their scared! Well and truely.
Oh and your forgeting I work most days plus commute. It's like kids they play together and sleep all day mostly. Same as they do when I'm here.
Gg
Care on the gambling issue, compulsives lie cheat and steal. Gamblers are compulsive and when in action will do anything to gamble. Gambling is a life long addiction. Be sure on this as our gg needs extra special gentleness and fun.
I am with Edz and Jim, age gap is ok, go get em. My bestie is 67 and married to a stripling just turned 50. She is very happy indeed and has a busy naughty nookie time of it.
Enjoy.
On the IC side, no IC should ever be judgemental, trust your instincts find a better one. As for the honesty thing V believes in complete openness with IC. Is there any way you can get the $$$ back?
Gg you are on a farm, horses dogs, cats, lambie, s17 all the animals! lol
Would have thought that was self evident and goes with the territory.
Saw Shaun the Sheep film tonight to celebrate poor old wonky Lambie. Worth a watch, you would get a big grin or two out of it.
I am going to do some research on narcs and will report back and discuss.
V
One day if I ever resolve the finances I'll have a place where I can have dog(s) again, miss them as I had one from about 8 right through to 28 then a combination of living in flats with rigid agreements or working away or babies or renting (why is it that rental places are so anti-pet? The security deposits are normally high enough to redecorate 3 times over!) has meant it's been a doggie free life sadly, have the bft but she's very much against the idea of a harness and walk, such things do exist but bft would probably just sit there in ragdoll mode and look as me as much as to say, you want me to do what? in public? on a lead?!?!?!
Anyway Gg, as V says (good info on gambling V, have little to no experience there) would think its pretty much a given to be happy with animals if you're dating a lady farm owner
I loved Wallace and Gromit sheep!
Shaun sheep would be ok too. Last years lamb was called lamb chop! Only us oldies would get that.
Well there a turn up, the tescile bloke came in, and I got a really raunchy comment I. He left that door wide open. Best bit one of the gossips was standing right there.
Betcha he's still not pick his jaw up either of em.
Oh looks like cute dude has a job, and will not be taking off to return in 3 months. He came in to say that he was much later tonight and was sorry. I feel, the age gaps ok in this case.
Edzs mr fixit has gotten slack with ms i know how to do that and get outta my way. they must have run out of "toys" cough. I was trying to fix the cute dudes stuff so he could stay.
Mmm trying to fix an out come.... I need to let that rubbish go.
I will keep the gambling compulsive idea in my head. I'm not sure his level of compulsion.
I drink but don't have a problem. I have gambled but don't have a problem.
I have bet on horses. Played poker machines and bought raffle tickets. All forms of gambling.
The gambler is closer in age and is known nice dude. Honnest and was never a cheater, he was cheated on.
It's all just looking at the buffet and comparing.
Wow Lamb Chop - Shari Lewis if I remember right. Havent thought about that in years
Charlie Horse (really!) and Hush Puppy as well.
A whole lot of dbers just said what are they talking about!
Clearly Mr Fixit and Ms I Know are keeping each other occupied (!) as to toys, no, not going there, will get myself in trouble
Given the fact I sprayed petrol on the gossip fire, it can only get lower, the tone.
It's nice just to sound out the guys.
Seems like the cute dudes interested but mmmm it's odd. It's all about just being out there and trying to let go of the fear.
There are so many fears, it's hard to know where to address next. Perhaps just breathe.
Well we shall see what happens with the tone wont we
Why odd out of interest? I can understand the fear, I'd say yes definitely breathe, relax and let go of expectations both positive and negative.
Just be the real you, the one we see when you're in full Gg flow on here, no sane guy will not react to that
Your right edzs, they do react.
It's good I can See the twitching and the fear. Before I never felt fear, not at all. A little in the r, but it was the whole r h was destablising.
He stated I wanted to leave for about 4 years, I've been trying to leave you for 4 years.
Given that's when he needed me to tell him how to be a grown up, I believe that to be true. He took the list of deal breaker I had given him over time and ticked each one off.
I thought no grown man could defend those actions, when they knew they would not tolerated them committed against them.
The whole deal breakers thing is what makes me hesitant, the fact someone who said they cared, could use your most intimate non neg to hurt you and in effect punish you.
But it's why I'm so determined unlike h xw, I will make life better. I will be married again.
H xw seems to find blokes who want her to fix and support them $ wise, she has never regained her value in her.
The odd bit, well it's like he had to explain to me why he had not come in at normal time.
It's a little, odd also he tends to avoid the questions on a fb chat. Lots of people are more open in fb, as it's less personal. He's hasnt really given any personal details part from basic family siblings etc. Seems keen but hesitant.
Trying to figure out what gossipy neighbour has said, cute dude says " nothing"
Neighbour is not known for saying " nothing"
Asking questions isn't getting me very far with him.
(Which was h totally) you could ask then later have a rewritten history version trotted out.
I told you x, why didn't you know. When In fact h said y or nothing.
It's feelike like a smoke and mirrors. More of the same....
Shrugs I still find knowing what's real tough.
I think its an easy trap to fall into - jumping to a new relationship but that closely resembles the last one. Factor in doing that after rejection or relationships failing and no work being done on "your"self and I think thats how people dont get to move on to happier relationships.
For me thats the positive on DBing, will w come back? Well, only she knows that at the moment. May be I move on before she decides what she wants to do, maybe we both do and come back together. Right now Im not going to drive myself insane running the possabilities. DBing has got me to look at the issues *I* had and can change and have or are doing so. That way whoever comes into my life, be that w or someone new (and I know I do want someone there to share with but I wont *need* them to be there in the same way now) I have a much better chance of not repeating the same sitch.
Indeed I've read time and again of spouses rage making them hurl back something said against someone they "loved" I couldnt do that, it would just break something intrinsic in me and I cant get into the mindset of those who do.
It will all come in time Gg (and no that wasnt me lowering the tone
)
I think the idea is to spot troublespots without fearing them to see potential issues and problems without attempting to fix them and to aknowledge compromise and work toward it without surrendering your own values and needs totally. Well thats what I'll try to do moving on anyway
On the odd bits. Mmmm I can see where you're coming from, may just be he's a private person but yes I can see why that would be a concern to you right now.
My advice would be, yes, be mindful of it and certainly dont move on until you do feel comfortable with it. Maybe use that wicked humour of yours to ask if he's a secret agent and this is a cover story or similar, relax and be you keep in mind no expectations which Im going to have made into a t-shirt I think
...And its after 11
Yeah, you do see the whole repeat r time after time.
Our s haven't done any work, so how likely do you think a different out come?
I don't think anything will be different. They don't know what works. The don't know what doesn't.
I can see stuff better, but I'm unsure how to do differently. I tryed quite a lot of stuff, but if the ic is right. Then nothing ever works with a narc, as they just operate outside normal.
But those us that suffer abuse do so because we allow it.
The trick is unlearning the allowing of abuse.
I know, no early shift. But need to feed hounds and tub. Getting home later tonight makes it hard to meet my 11pm deadline.
It's difficult, I have no time or patience for those that abuse and like others I often wondered why do people stay? However the answer is that it may not seem like abuse at the time or may be an accepted norm or may be that theres no options seen. I'd never try to talk to some of the things people go through as I havent been there but I can understand it to a degree.
Was I in an abuse situation at being ignored in my M? No, not in the same way of course, but I still let it go on and on and on for years until I started to flip out and retreat into myself. I wasnt "abused" as such but I still allowed myself to be unhappy and feel unloved and divert that frustration into retreating and not bonding with my s. It's that easy to just "live" with things. I try not to patronise on this since I havent been in those situations had w been violent or demeaning would I have stayed? I have to concede yes probably, since I love her and would think this was transient and/or I could change her and/or she didnt mean it. Honestly though, I wasnt in that position and I didnt experience it.
Gg you're strong and you recognise what you want, you will find someone who deserves you just keep going and relax and no, dont allow anyone to ever reduce your worth, as I've said before, you're fab
I never understood it, untill I lived it.
Trauma bonding makes the bonding stonger over time. And it's not every min of every day. It's massive incidences. These people are masters of making out because they didn't hit, it's not abuse.
But a one off, fit of rage or temper in which they lost all control making the, human making "mistakes".
They uses other to re Inforce the message like h letting brother and s25 to joke about your faults in a way if you object your the bad guy thus the circle continues.
They make you responsible for everything they feel. They set up no win situations.
They ask you meet x need then, when you try, it's not right for a million reasons.
Like a poker machine it's pays off just enought to make you think things are ok.
They keep your focus on the small picture and frame the abusvie bits as love and care.
The anger when you stand up for your boundary is about I was protecting you because I care. They need you to be concilary for it to work. For you to want to fix and work harder on the r.
And you think if you work harder the good times will return.
I imagine you're in the land of nod by now (if not why not you rotten stay up
) but I can understand the above. Its about power and manipulation of emotions to put the onus of the abuse back on the abused.
At the most simplistic I can put it, its not right and its so unfair that feelings get twisted to further peoples need of control. I have no answers and I dont dare presume I know enough to profer advice on avoiding it Gg safe to say you are intelligent and able to spot the signs. Yes I think it may be something that will give you pause on trusting which is why I think the "buffet" is a good idea and getting to know someone regardless of expected outcome will be so good.
Just relax and watch the expectations and also get a reaaaaaaly big box of lego for ms fix it (or send her on her hols with mr fixit then he wont bother me
)
Have a good night Gg, catch you later.
Yeah, you do see the whole repeat r time after time.
Our s haven't done any work, so how likely do you think a different out come?
I don't think anything will be different. They don't know what works. The don't know what doesn't.
I can see stuff better, but I'm unsure how to do differently. I tryed quite a lot of stuff, but if the ic is right. Then nothing ever works with a narc, as they just operate outside normal.
But those us that suffer abuse do so because we allow it.
The trick is unlearning the allowing of abuse.
Gg, I am not convinced we allow abuse! More tolerate it because of one fear or another.
The abuser abuses, their decision, in the short term at the time we have to do what is needed for survival. It is what happens next that is important.
That is why I get very angry at the abuse of the vulnerable, children or animals. I would lock the abuser away and P on them 10 times a day. After eating beetroot!
V
In a way, they do it because it works in the short term. We allow our bounderies to be pushed back in the name of harmony and happiness.
We all know it doesn't work in the longer term.
Selfish people will be sounding you out to see what you will let slide and what you won't.
Perhaps in maybell thread, it was pointed out her h was looking and sound her out for wriggle room. When there was none, he offered and paid the child's school trip.
When she was up front and said nope, this is how it is ie set the line in the sand it happened.
A real narc is looking at and testing your boundaries. And pushing them back every step of the way. They too like gamblers are compulsive liars. They need to stage manage their whole life, onky showing that good mask.
My h was told before at bd, I think there is a moral need for contact with s17.
H didn't carry thru, the. Later with ic advice, I told him nope, s17 doesnt care to have contact doesn't want to see you and we think nc, please respect that.
H hasn't, he has been getting cousin to give s17 work. H approached xh and stated I will be having contact. Xh thought well perhaps that was our agreement and did not say no.
Emtional abusers, dont think they abuse. They don't understand the cycle and often blame the abused by projection for Abusing them and treating them bad.
H used to often bellow you don't treat me with respect but it was more about treating him as center of everything. Every thing needed to be discussed, with the exception of what h was doing. Very controlling and parental, dictatorship almost.
While thing were flowing h way and he thought he had control, things were pretty good. when h flew into fear mode, then it got ugly.
Oh and I got side tracked, s17
Well seems he's picking up the odd days work here and there. Some bloke called stick has been giving him one off days. ( I kid you not)
I did text back and forth, but it seems mummy put to much pressure on asking if he had done his lience yet!
Had told him nosey neighbours news earlier in the week, seems like s17 is growing a tad. Becoming a bit more open too.
Morning Gg
Well that sounds like an interesting development with S17. Is it the work etc stabilising or did the stabilising lead to the work do you think?
Dunno, seems it's not very much work and I susoect its a one off.
I tore open a bank statement which wasnt mine but s17. All money bar 5c was outward bound and nothing paid in since last year.
Today at work ho hum. See they expected mr somebodyelsejob to do this ams work.
When I got there I become ms welltobaditsnowyourpooppile sigh. Did mange to sort it, In The end.
Now have a large stif drink, that shift always drives me to friggen drink. You don't get to see anyone, nor talk to anyone! Your so busy you run out of time.
S17 is going to have do something with his dog, it attacked the lamb again. No damage as far as I can see. The other dogs let you know he's attacking him.
Party tomorrow. That's something to look forward to. I can't wait.
Oh no on lamb! Good that all seems ok though.
Laughed at welltobaditsnowyourpooppile that sounds like every single morning I start, we're in a team of 5 people all over the UK, we get assigned jobs by teams of 100s of engineers who effectively say that to us thinking we are much bigger as we have a pretty good resolution rate. I think I'll steal that for my next status report!
Over on Toots thread we're talking about Mr/Mrs/Ms Fixits, said I havent seen mine in a few days, he must be hanging around with your Ms I can.. lol
Have a good evening
I'll expect royalties there edzs.
It was a big poop pile, trust me. Nods so glad it's over.
I loooove the mentality, not. I try to do the most I can but too much wasn't done.
Ponders searching that on fb! Lol
I think the lamb was just shaken up, weaned and attacked in the same week.
Morning gg,
So is it party day (er night) er something?!?! There today?
We'll be needing details, descriptions you know
Catch you later
I also think this - Mrs welltoobaditsnowyourpooppile - is a DB classic. I laughed out loud. GG, you are priceless sometimes!
And yes it was party day!
As I was leaving I had a major anxiety attack, shaking, thumping heart, wanted to throw up, panic rising I had no idea it was coming no ideas where it came from.
I got over there and at one point had that pre nausea feeling, all clammy watering mouth thick tounge swimming vision. Oh dear retreated inside. Sat away and felt better.
The bra worked, better than the trial run. I think might get used to the damn thing.
Ok so the party gossip, the testicle dude turned up quite late. We talked quite a bit, he's a farm type too. He seems far happier now than before.
He talked of his new sheep pup he's training and that was ok as really non sheep people don't understand. It was relaxed and good.
What I learnt is while often I'm better at accepting praise and compliments, today I was crap. I need to learn to say thanks, not go mute! (Bloody mute cow, makes me look rude)
Td said the cheap dress was my colour, I should have thanked him.
Had fun, had a few drinkies. No one abused me on the ride home for being a social outcast. I think the other guests liked me, unlike before when I was told People hated me.
So in all it was ok, no ground breaking news of any kind, but most of life is just ordinary moments joined together. Let's just say the whole day was pleasent.
They did some marriage vows and readings. One was from my first wedding which i needed to hear again. I was almost teary, as some of the guests were.
Another important milestone Gg. You are rebuilding and from someone who really likes you and values your friendship, it is lovely to see.
You are going to have to get used to compliments Gg, so practicise in front of the mirror
Oh thank you, it is one of my favourites
That is so kind, I really like this dress/shoes ......
Than you
TD sounds very charming, would he pass the Fork test?
V
He's a 30 year friend of the fork testers hubby and work bestie.
HIs partner cheated and tryed to sucide. She has/mental health issues.
It could be complicated, but as a friend he's nice.
I am getting there but I choke.
Pretty sure is because I feel so uncomfortable. H used to take those compliments and then hammer me with nasty spew on the way home.
H used to also tell me people hated me only only were polite or doing those nice thing like inviting me out of duty. I still guilt and out of place. Like I'm on the outside looking in.
Gg
I know this kind of abuse very well. It erodes confidence and destroys the sense of self.
Whilst you know this is abuse and invalid, the tiny grains of truth turn disbelief into belief. It is intended to isolate the abused. To control, it is truly horrible to be on the receiving end of it. Then to make matters worse there will be intermittent positive interactions with the abuser.
Truly awful Gg and I am sad such a truly lovely person such as Gg suffers with this trauma although the abuser has gone. Abusers target the most generous genuine partners.
It takes a long time to recover and leaves us shaky and incredulous. It is hard to rebuild our boundaries in these circumstances, leaving us even more vulnerable.
Gg you were unlucky, only one quarter of one percent of narcs are covert and they are hard to spot.
I want to just wrap you up in a warm blanket and make sure you are safe to cry this through and recover. Keep on posting Gg, I am reading and listening, to share this uphill journey to recover.
The hurt still burns, raw and sore but it will get better in time and with work. H is no longer there, please let his ugly words go. This will improve in time as his voice fades and then decreases to a whisper and finally silent.
Gg is a beautiful, strong woman with a healthy future to look forward to.
Gentleness
V
Each time his words aren't valid like yesterday, It helps.
I know I'm going to be fine, I keepw writing to see the change and to show others it's not just them.
One of the guests said last night those that gossip and judge they are judging you buy their standards so listen.
Listen well to what they say and how they say it, they will reveal them self.
Those that talk of doing the wrong thing often are that type of person.
A bit like spew nilla, your h is spewing about cheating nilla, but where is h evidence?
It's from his story inside his head.
I believe I understand a little Gg. My H is not narc BPD but compulsive. One is innate and unlikely to change and the other can be managed. Although H acts like a narc he is wilful.
The only time Nilla cheats is with Liam in her imagination and dreams. Good job H does not have access to those thoughts!
Although since the big diet, my dreams are full of cheeeese.
Weigh in day today, small slips in my regime this week including crashing the two separate hours exercise into one session and swapping my free day from Sunday to Friday.
On the plus side no cheese and alcohol. I did eventually do all my exercise program.
V
Well went to dinner and friend who has poped back from the past.
We had a very nice dinner out.
She told me about her m, her husband beat her 3 times per year. Abused her verbally.
It was tough but I know what she has gone thru, tbh. I never knew before. So many arh ha moments. Her h spew was just like mine, they both exploted your secrets to hound you with and use as abuse. In my case an odd fine, in hers drinking and bf when in her youth.
Her h did turn around and become the h they so very needed, after h discovered she had an a. The worst bit, he passed, soon after.
She is going to come for dinner with as regularly. Which will be nice, we both need support and it will be good for both of us. Which gives me another option when the other girls cannot go. I'm getting used to going.
She did talk about the old me being laid back relaxed and talked of how hard it must be to cope with the anxiety.
We will keep in touch. All in all a fun weekend.
Gg
Is it strange how life delivers extra resources at the right time. perhaps because we are ready to hear.
Thank you dear one for your support. I value your friendship so much.
V
Thanks nilla. It's such a small thing we do for each other but big at the same time.
I am concerned for my friend, while she is a switched on lady she seems to not judge people by actions. She relies on their script.
Being such a good person she strives hard to see good. I feel, just that gut feeling uneasy that she's raw from her h and is looking towards not so nice men. I think blinded a bit by that uforic feelings of lust.
Her h kept her value so low, that anyone that gives her any value seems to send her all jelly. I think to a degree I now see me.
All those pom, is me grasping the first thing that comes by. Seeing her stich I'm going to be a bit more careful. The cute dude is acting cagey, it's not me, it's something about him.
I need to listen, to not only peoples script, but the whole way of acting.
Time slow is fast to build something lasting.
Well that's an Interesting day done.
The stake dude came in, I was super smooth at missing a meeting!
Rhc came in and damn no chance to hardly even say hello.
Then the testicle dude came in as well. They were all floating round at the same time. Got a chance to joke with td, and he was funny. Looked tired today tho. So did rhc looks like a bunch of us are including me.
Rummors of td spending the night, had already spread by today! From the party that's soooooo funny and amusing.
I enjoy reading about the town gossiping. Gives me a delicious sense of naughtiness without the naughty.
V
Well you had a busy weekend Gg, glad it was fun and you are getting back into the socialising swing. Enjoy yourself
The gossip was Far more exciting, than the actual weekend.
I guess truth is not so essential!
Next weekend, won't be so fun, regular dinner and what else we shall see.
It was so far fetched the gossip, I laughed till I cryed! Then my cheeks and sides were hurting.
It must be tempting to see if you can push the envelope of just how far fetched it can get.
It's not tempting, it's a full,on challenge.
I'm just wondering how far people will take it.
When the only evidence they have is me getting changed at work into civies wearing makeup and heels. Oh and being seen out with a selected bunch of married friends.
Oh a holiday for a weekend to a married friends as well.
And now a boss has rung up and said you know x, he's thinking your cute and would never go out with him, he's scared.
Omg young hot! Faints.....
Rhc came in this morning, he was subdued.
Cute dude came in and has a week off.
I guess my scarey assement is true, there is no way I lower the bar. No more throwing myself at anyone they can walk to my pace or not.
Keeping the icing thoughts in my head, icing they, Just be icing.
Not doing much for those dreams.
At this rate Fabio better hurry up on his wisking me off somewhere! Lol
Oh Gg.
Give it time my darling one.
Time, I am looking forward to the day my time has come. I hope I will be ready.
V
I know nilla, but it's too funny by halves.
Totally too funny.
X is the sort of dude I would have looked at, he's younger too.
I just thought nah, x is way outta my reach. He was partnered, to live in gf, but every one ba me knew she was leaving and leaving him to go off and follow a dream.
She went os.
Keep reminding myself tho they need to step up, no step up then to bad so sad.
Good stuff Gg, told you they were just worried *you* wouldnt be interested, take your time, relax and have fun
I think Im in the same mindset as V right now, wondering when somethign will change and either w will phase back into my life or it'll just be time for someone new. Anyway thats more like me wallowing which isnt the way is it
Back to you, boost that PMA skywards, best heels and dress, go get 'em. Lets see if any gossips can physically explode!
Friday, will be a heels day and Sunday!
Lol it's essential to wear heels to get milk on an early finish.
by then might have q coffee date, hhhhmmmmm been saying that for 6 months!
It's not rushing.
Oh x has been around for a while as a work mate, not a job I do all the time, but not a cold turkey type of thing. Nearly 12months.
Weighed in.
Still a gain, but did take some off from last week. Not back to previous low.
Gg blames hormones can hardly do up pants belly is bloated, Bewbs too and I'm starving. Eating well again after bug.
Healthy home made food. Fruit and veg. Do the right things and results will follow. Focusing on doing the right thing.
No treats, till Sunday. Then it will be desert! Mmmmm mouse.
Moooouuuuuusssse....
Oh, not that kind?
Just a query when you feel this way have you tried cutting down on fruits etc and trying more protein e.g. meats and cheeses in small amounts and low carbs. May be your system just doesnt like handling them and is leading to bloating (just read 3 books on this, still dont trust pure atkins style no carbs it made me ill when I tried it but seems to work for a lot of people)
Well i'm off to Italy at the weekend so i'll give Fabio a prod
Keep reminding myself tho they need to step up, no step up then to bad so sad.
two things on this
1) it puts so much unfair pressure on men who are expected to risk shame and humiliation and some find that easier to overcome than others (narcissists find it quite easy)
2) it actually disadvantages you. Think of two people of equal attractiveness both looking at a crowd of 100 people they are attracted to
Person A, is happy to ask and pursue the people they like in preference order 1st choice, 2nd choice. They dont mind rejection and will keep going until someone says yes
Person B wont ask, but will say yes to whoever asks them
Person A ends up dating the highest preference of people that were willing to say yes (best they could acheive). Person B dates whoever happened to ask them wherever they were in the preference order (random selection)
Its possible person B will end up in a better situation but person A gives themself a much better probability.
***cheesy quote alert***
You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. -Gretzky
And if you miss a shot, forget it, you didn't want that shot anyway. -Card29
Italy, nice! Not sure Fabio will want you prodding him though.
Sorry, it's Ggs thread makes me lower the tone all the time
I know someone has to ask!
But if I give out my number act all cute things should progress. If not then perhaps they are just not interested.
See the only one who stepped up on my marriage was me. I kept doing it, I kept chasing.
H took no responsibility for anything action, it was never his fault never his wrong doing nothing h did effected anything. I even stepped up when ow was in picture, I got spat on.
Not just rejected but spat on. It's does make me fearful. That is disgusting behaivour.
I have never been so humiliated in my whole life, the person who did wrong telling you how bad you are, while spitting.
It's a small town x knows I'm single, he knows I would go for coffee.
If x doesn't he will soon, 2 friends will "socially engineer" it that he does.
The cute dude knows, rhc knows, testicle dude knows and has been asked out to dinner Sundays. (Refuses to come always an excuse)
Well I'd ask you gg, just said toots can go to dinner if she's in deepest darkest Dorset, bit of a journey for you though
I asked cute dude, um nope. Still nice still pleasant but that's a no!
Not a no not ever but seems less likely.
You know what jim most of these lots seem far too hesitant to take a risk, if I ask they back off.
Well now we see what x brings.
Had a really lousy day and that prompted the asking. Then stuff fell out, and let's say I dug a huge a$$ hole and fell in Serverall times!
Stfu! See,s some of us never learn
Dont beat yourself up Gg, I still havent learned the STFU up song at times it's just human
Absolutely.
Yeah, tuff day.
Seems like I have my own thing. Emtional up down and splurge it all out.
I'm sorry but I miss male friends who talked. H didn't, he wanted you to know your mind and not discuss things.
Simple connection type stuff. I had lots of blokey pals, h didn't like those either.
The whole hold it bottled up, and go blah to mates is helping, but today meh.
My support and me ended up bawling at each other, then laughing thru the tears.
It was a tad odd. Went and vented to the fairy god mother. That helped.
S17 was contacting yesterday, with reasons I thought you might want hay?
Mmm nope, but thanks for asking. After he hung up in me swearing mid sentence, day before.
World is odd, but anxiety is now linked to my thing. Think they happened same day.
Hi Gg, if you dont mind me asking "Thing" do you mean your sitch?
Looks like I've had a thief, police were called. May or may not be connected to stich
Just annoyed that so many think it's their right to "check" up on me to gossip, hence the "act as if" I ain't going no where.
Tired wish people would mind their own. I'm ok.
Ok, glad you're ok. Take it easy.
Yeah, bit down, seems it was freaky Wednesday! It's news is new day!
I hope lambie, the horses and dogs are all ok too.
V
Yeah, they all, ok.
Um gan, I have excess Internet to burn, my dear.
Link me up baby! All those links would be awesome.
Hey Gg, Crazy days for you! You seem to be taking the break in in stride though so I'll assume it wasn't a big deal and/or you are just super mellow these days!
I presume you mean the Non-Violent Communication links? If you search "nvc session #1" on Youtube you'll find the 3hr video. I don't want to post the link in case I get pulled up by the moderators!
Morning Gg
Sorry to hear about your break in/theivary. Sounds a bit cryptic but glad your OK.
The NVC videos are really interesting and will make you notice jackals all over the place
I tryed to download a show from abc question and answer this week.
Let's just say the nets not quite up to it and it was far too close to home to even listen to. I had to turn it off!
I would suspect it won't be classed as theifing.
Confused bear today so not tracking too well (suspect thats my frazzled brain more than your posts) glad you're sounding a little more upbeat now though.
Edz
I was super upbeat, but then that show knocked me for a huge a$$ 6.
Wow, the ic said things would trigger me. That woman was me, so me its like it was me!
Needless to say I freaked.
Lots of things I'm running scared on. The cute dude, mmmm its on the back burner, that's my gut instinct talking, I noted I'm making excuses again.
Lots I cannot do, yet, I think I'm fine but today far far from it.
There are a couple of things I have decided about needs. At this time, it's all a big swirling mess, I cannot decide what I want and what I need. Some days existing is tiring.
It's bed time. I think this will be a long and very bumpy road, even tho it's h choice it's hardly going to be easy.
Hi gg,
Absolutely right about the existing is tiring bit. Seems it comes in waves at times. I've just been hit by one this week. Still want w back as my my goal but not as we were just before bd, how we can be, her choice though.
Sounds like you have quite a bit going on in the spin dryer of the noodle today. Sending you positive vibes, up to you if a hug helps too
Take it easy matey, have a good night.
Edz