Hi all. Bit more journaling. Couple of calls from W today and the basic message is she is leaving the kids and her old life behind. When pushed she said she was talking about leaving the planet for good as she can't take rejection from the kids anymore. She said she is just not strong enough. I asked her to see I/C or doctor and she agreed to see doctor.
I just came home and she is here and I kissed her on the head and said I hope she felt better. She started crying and I left the room to get the dinner. I think I will call her sister tonight as while I think W is just very down I would like for her family in UK to know how down she is and the way she is talking.
Thanks for reading. Rd
Did she mean that she was contemplating suicide?
Hi MrBond. Yes , that's what she was saying. I'm not sure how serious she was but she has been talking like this since Monday.
She is very down at the moment as the kids are not exactly treating her like the prodigal son every time she comes home. She has agreed to go to a doctor and I hope the doctor can put some perspective in her life.
Take care. Rd
Hi RD, I think both seeing a Dr and contacting family are a good plan. She's obviously feeling at a really low point.
Is there anyone else close to your W locally who can also provide support?
Would it be an idea (if she wants) for her to stay at the family home until she feels steadier?
Others on the forum have also mentioned crisis helplines, which may support - do you have Samaritans over there RD?
Sorry things are so tough at the moment.....and sending very best wishes x
RD that must be scary to hear. I hope she accepts some help from someone. Sending good thoughts your way.
Thanks Toots and Rppfl. W home now and seems a bit better. She is discussing D16 choices for school and just gave me a cut out from a paper about amicable separations that her mum sent her. To be honest it's doesn't make good reading for kids with the article pointing out how bad it can be for kids
Anyway she seems a bit happier and just said she is really down at the moment and today's call was just because kids were treating her badly. When I collected D10 from school W and S20 were in kitchen and W looked like she had been crying. When I was driving back to work S20'called me to say W had started to say D10 shouldn't be bringing me the 60 mile round trip to collect D10 just in case she saw OM. S20 told her that none of them wanted the drunk a@@@hole in their lives and W should appreciate that.
Ups and downs but I suppose you can only act on what you see. W has left and that's the truth of the sitch. Very sad for kids and me but we will have to deal with it.
Thanks again for posting ladies. Take care Rd
I hope you find a good solution. If you do have Samaritans they can also give you some good advice for what to do. But its good she's going to a doctor and I think you're right to call her sister
I'd agree with Toots though the the offer to stay in the family home might be a sensible plan. You'll know better the context she said it in and have a better guage for how serious she might be.
Take care RD.
Thanks Jim. I don't believe she was too serious but she is really down so I think it's better I treat it with a bit of respect. I don't think the family home thing would work for her as I think she is too close with OM and it might not go down well. I do appreciate that's mindreading
Today's call was full of old stuff that can't be resolved because it's old and I can't change the past and stuff that's just her venting about her new reality.
It seems clear that she is very unhappy re the kids and to be honest I would hope she would be ( or any mother come to that )
I have the kids 24/7 and she takes D13 on a Friday night to her flat. Other than that she sees kids about 9 -15 hours a week W was a great mum but she has become someone who is now an aunt to the kids and has lost their confidance
I don't know if she is thinking straight or if life with me was that bad that losing her kids is a price she is willing to pay it seems at the moment she paying the price and only she knows if it worth it
Thanks for taking the time to post. Take care. Rd
Hi RD,
It's good that your wife will see a doctor, but I think she needs more of a psychologist or therapist. But then, there just some you can do and you can force or decide for her.
Now RD, besides the ups and downs, what are the strategies you are planning for this month? It feel like you are very negative about the whole thing. If you look at some of this being a little positive, how would you behave then?
You accept that your M is done, you accept that your W is gone and does not love you anymore. But you don't know for real if she is just having a bad and creepy tormented time in her life.
This OM is a functioning alcoholic what makes him a lot more influential, you also mention that he tried suicide twice. Do you see the pattern here?
W is very unbalanced emotionally and now is talking about finishing it all because rejection. You are right to treat this with lots of respect, because it is serious stuff. And she is very close to someone that is probably not helping her to see things differently.
Last november I spoke with my manager about her husband being very depressed and confused just because he lost his job earlier in 2014 and did not know what to do next. Things start turning for worse and two weeks ago, he took his life.
So, people do crazy things when they think they are in a corner and do not see any other way around.
I am not sure about inviting W back to the family home, by one hand I think it would be good to keep an eye on her and she would have the opportunity to see more of your changes, but by other hand there are the kids and it would be painful if she comes back and decides to leave again. So it freshen up the pain all over again. There is also the OM and how he would react to the fact that she was moving back with her family.
You can probably weight the situation better then us since you know everyone involved and their feelings about this.
So RD, it's a very hard time for you. So many mixed up feelings. Are you and the kids going bowling? Would be it too much to invite W to join you guys to have some fun together.
Maybe change some of the scenario, maybe instead of the cruel routine, maybe show her you can all have fun as a family. Maybe she needs to be reminded of the good times?
I am just throwing ideas, so maybe something comes up to you that can trigger something good on her. It's obvious you can be all tough on her because she may do some crazy to hurt herself, so why not to do something nice, fun, and show her that life is not so bad, there are just bad moments, but there are so many good ones too.
With all your comments you don't mention that your W is talking about D, running to get all paperwork done. So maybe show her the love she is looking for.
Do you know if your W felt any rejection from you? We girls are weird, sometimes we feel rejection for many different reasons. Because I have an extra pound, because I am getting old, because I do not have a good job or career, because I don't cook very well, and a lot more. We girls are complicated in a man point of view.
You have big kids, it means that she may be burned out. I know how that feels, it may be the reason my H left me. Burned out, feeling ugly and tired. It gets to you.
Then she finds this looser that offer her a little bit of tenderness, attention, and she jumps and now she is feeling all guilty and ashamed.
Well, lets see if RD can analyze the issue and maybe we can all think together to find some ways to get her out of all this depression.
RD, time to work.
XOXO,
Pink
Hi pink Thanks for posting. W will hopefully go to doctor soon as the way she is losing weight is not healthy.
I am quite a negative person and always look for the worst in any sitch. I am afraid of looking at the positives in case I get let down I spoke with W this morning and she seemed much better. I told her yesterday worried me and she said she was sorry but she was just really down Last night before she went to bed I told her she was always welcome to come home for a few days if she needed to W just said thanks. There is never any mention of D as in Ireland it takes 5'years
W said she felt as if I didn't love her and that she was never good enough for me. I take this on board because I didn't make enough of an effort and even the effort I did make was not seen by her.
W told me she felt as if she was not herself anymore and just a mother , so I feel your burned out comment is correct.
I think OM started out as W found someone that needed her and that made her feel good. I am quite independent and would just get things done. I don't wait for people to do things for me or even ask half the time. When I was very ill for 5 years I did not lean on W , even though W tried and tried to support me.
When I look back I could have been so much better and now that I have this information I hope I am able to use it and make a good partner for someone in the future.
I was in with L/C today and she is please with my progress but feels I am trying to protect kids with to many words that kids might take as criticism of W , even if I don't mean then to. It was quite enlightening and she is right.
L/C still sees loads of hope for R with wife and is urging giving the sitch more time
Thanks for posting. Rd
RD
W needs a real diagnosis of her physical state. If she is drinking then she may not be eating, hence the weight loss. Has she been tested for diabetes as that can cause weight loss too. There are several explanations.
All you can do is encourage W to seek a proper diagnosis. There is no guarrantee that she would share it though.
This is my approach with my H who as you know disintegrated into an unwashed pit of despair for a long long time.
V
Be sure your W follows through on getting help or at least see if someone in her family can guide her along. We've had cases on here where a depressed spouse actually does take their life. Be cautious.
Hi RD, I hope you are doing well
You'll have to guage what is happening with your wife from your own perspective as best you can but if you can help her to follow through seeking help thats a good thing. Sometimes things get dismissed as 'they arent serious' when they really are.
Whilst you've got some a lot going on in your situation which needs attention, I was wondering what you have planned to take care of yourself?
Hi Pink, I hope you are ok. I see vanilla said you need a new post as your old one is closed. Take care and post soon. Rd
MrBond , Vanillia and Jim. Thank you all for your concern for W and myself.
Mr bond. I have giving W money for doctor but I have not heard of she has made appointment
Vanillia W is taking weed more than drink to my knowledge and needs it to sleep now. W would share most things with me re her health even to this day so I would hope I will find out if there is a physical problem
Jim. Very hard to judge W at the moment. Some days she seems fine but then kids will mention she was crying over something quite small and the next day she can be sobbing down the phone about what a mess her life is and she feels she is making a huge mistake , etc I am told by L/C I am to close to my sit sitch to see the wood for the trees. Re my own gal. Again it's hard with four kids , cooking ,' cleaning and a company ( all be it small) to run
On another note the lady I went to dinner with has been texting me recently and asking if I want to go out again , which does boost the ego somewhat but I think I need to settle into my new life a bit more first
Thank you all for posting , it means a lot. Take care all.Rd
RD the new lady friend just might be your ticket to getting out of the house. You don't have to marry her, just enjoy yourself for the evening. Forget everything else for a couple of hours. You need a mental break.
RD
Now we are getting somewhere at long last. Some of the symptoms you described had certain parallels with my compulsive H but did not quite fit. If W is using cannabis especially skunk then she is in the compulsive behaviour land.
Weed has the following major effects
1. Weight loss, lack of saliva and poor teeth
2. Delusion and dehydration
3. Long term use triggers depression
4. Poor hygiene and a 'papery effect on the skin' ageing
5. Blood thickening and smoking adverse effects
6. Sexual dysfunction especially when combined with drink
This is easily googled RD.
It is very serious, risky long term behaviour. Does IC know this? , It will influence the help you will need and is vital for IC to know.
My lovely RD, what you are seeing is not just your W behaviour but that of the drug she is using. Cannabis is addictive. My H equally has addictive substances he uses mainly alcohol, cigarettes and junk food so I truly understand. W is most assuredly guilty and ashamed of the hash (deliberate) of her life and leaving her home is only one part of it. Her choice in leaving, being with a low life and spending her money on weed.
RD, in essence please get stronger boundaries and restrictions on W being at the house and having access to all of your lives. A great deal of the behaviour and attitude to W by your children makes more sense to me. In addition your W behaviour and not wanting it known she has left also become clear. This is not a secret to keep. In my opinion You must stay in your home.
RD, I am very concerned for my bow bells Irish DB friend and his amazing kids.
V
Hi Vanillia. Not to sure about Ws physical problems as she has been ha I g them for about a year now and weed problem only really last six months I believe she is suffering the effects of stress. My W has degree and is not an unintelligent person but she would be shy and nervous under the surface. I don't think she is dealing with her new life well. When she was with my L/C she was under huge stress and L/C believes that's why W left. W told me last weds afternoon that she is still under huge pressure but now it's not from our R but from her own sitch
W is a really good person but seems to have changed dramatically over the last couple of years. Ian not detached but am showing it to W and she believes it , even to the point of her telling me so. I would even go as far as to say she thinks there is no home even if she wanted to. I have shown her that I care and told her I am here for her but when i look back at the conversations , the way I said the words and the tone used was friendly but cool She was just here to drop D13 home and was welled up with tears the whole time
It's really hard to see her struggling with her new life but I do appreciate that it's her choice. I suppose the time we spent together was mostly good and I loved her very much I am hoping that acting the detachment will develop into living the detachment
Sorry for the journaliling but I do feel it helps to get it out
Rppfl. I'm not sure about second date because I am almost irresistible when in dating mode and it's not fair for any woman to be put in that position as she would be powerless !!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to everyone. Your my lifeline. Take care. Rd
Rppfl. I'm not sure about second date because I am almost irresistible when in dating mode and it's not fair for any woman to be put in that position as she would be powerless !!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, RD, I should have realized this. Poor woman, she wouldn't know what happened.
Hi all. Just a bit of journallling. Normal weekend , Friday night W took D13 to hers and S16 , D10 and I watched a film and I text D13 about 9.40pm to say goodnight ( remember this !!!! ) D13 and I text back and forth for about 15 mins , jokes etc.
Sat am I cleaned house , did washing and cooked fry up for S20 ,S16 , D10 and I. Full works , mugs of tea , toast , sausages, eggs , bacon and puddings. 1/2 way through cooking W calls to ask me about a quote , I answered and she asked what we were upto. I explained about breakfast and W said her a D13 we're having Cheerios for breakfast and how it seemed a little unfair. I finished conversation and enjoyed brekkie with the crew.
W arrived home with D13 and I took D13 to dancing class. I got home and W was with D10'with Ws eyes full time f tears. W left soon after and I cooked dinner and took D13 to a party I got a text from W about 10.30pm asking if D13 was home I explained no but she would be home in about 15 mins as D1: had text me to let me know. It turned out W had text D13 about 10.30 but had decided not to answer W.
Sunday came and W called on landline to speak to kids and then called me later to say she was really sick and heading home early from work and wouldn't be calling in to see kids. She again was crying. Today arrived and I got a call from W to say she was unhappy that I was going to parent teacher metro vs and I was taking over complete rasing of the kids I explained that the kids needed her but as I was there day to day I needed to be the point of contact re most things. W started crying and said she had lost her kids and she couldn't beleive the kids had turned to me after she raised them for so long. She did point out I had not been there to support her enough with the kids before she left. I validated and said she was right. W went on to say she wished we could go back a few years and start again but it was too late. Again I validated that if that's how you feel then I understand. W then started on about how she was very unhappy and had nothing good in her life now and she was only happy when she was asleep. I said that's sad and at least it could only get better
W then said she felt I was taking over D13s up coming birthday party and I should not have bought a cake without her Input. I didn't answer this one
W then asked could we go to L/C to talk about the kids as she was very sad about how she felt no longer in their lives like she wants to be. I said no problem
No mind readi g on my part as I think W is in a cycle of sadness and I'm not even sure if I the root cause of or just a part of the problem
Thanks to all
Take care. Rd
Wow RD that [censored] to hear W say she wishes she could go back but now it's too late. Still great that she feels for you enough to say all this to you and you do so well supporting her. I'm learning a lot reading your sitch b/c I'm not doing any of the good communication you do. I think you're handling your W's emotions really well.
RD sounds like your doing a great job of being the steady rock for your family especially with what your wife is saying
good job
Any non child related GAL lined up for you?
Hi HP. Thanks for posting. Re the W's emotions , I would not have handled them very well without L/C who has taught me to let go of the hurt It's hard but when I communicate twith W I picture her as the person she was and not the person she has become. It makes it easier for me to imagine W in a fog and her actions at the moment are not hers. In my head I call her W A and W B. W A was my wife who loved me and our life. W B is the new lady I have before me. I had hoped W A would return but it appears W B is here to stay. I wouldn't have been a patient man before all this but now ( for the most part ! ) I let life do its thing. Do get me wrong I have been devistated by this event and still struggle daily
When W left I got my kids , my home , my pets and control of my income. W has children's allowance and 180'a week from work
W still insists no other R just a good friend and I choose to accept this for now
I see from others sitch that I am very very lucky. My W looks for constant contact with me but never asks for money or help from me. She will often say she has no idea what she is doing and spends a lot of the time upset. I used to enjoy this but now I feel for her. She no longer loves me and she left to pursue a new life that from the outside seems to be very tough W could have made my life slot harder and so far hasn't
I DB but also I do what I think works. I loved W A very much and that will always be true. My L/C is convinced that W is very confused and is not in a PA or even an EA in the normal way I get very little real spew compared to others and Loads of what I call stars ( signs that W wants to reconcile) but I have learnt to deal with reality and that is W has left and spends time with OM
My L/C encourages me to be the best I can be and to treat W as a good friend and the mother of my kids which when you think about is a good idea. As I say I am in a good place compared to some so maybe it's easier for me and W is keeping any other R quiet.
Since W left I have not contacted her more than three times and I never ask what she is doimg but at the same time I will be there for her if she is upset. I have not mentioned R or M and will not.
Today Iis Ws birthday and I passed her in traffic as she was going to work and I had just dropped off kids W waved and I stopped car jumped out and ran across to her car and handed her a bar of chocolate and gave her a kiss telling her happy birthday. She called me straight away to thank me and to chat. Quite sad today but it is what it is
Jim. No gal plans but Ii e been asked on a date to the pictures but not sure if it's too soon
Long post but feel a bit better. Thanks all and take care. Rd
RD
Does IC know about the weed?
In Gamanon we come across many gamblers who have a second use (weed, alcohol and smoking) and this stimulates this cycle of low hormones and neurotransmitters leading to crying tiredness and low mood.
W is saying that OM is not fulfilling R needs. Plus RD you are mind reading again, W feelings are hers and with respect you have no idea of feelings!
You are doing really well with W RD, validation king, patient too, and a dad 'in a million'.
Would just like you to go GAL, not dating but GAL!
Although V realises this is difficult with four children. The older Ss are more than an age to babysit too.
V
Thanks Vanillia. I always value your input. L/C not aware of weed but I will mention it. Thanks for the compliments, I do feel I have becoming the person I should have been . I am glad that this has happened I just wish I had been mature enough to realise without W having to leave. Validation is easy because often W is right about my lack of parenting input and not treating our R with enough respect.
I like to treat people well so they know that they matter , today i was pleased with myself today because iwhen I gave the chocolate it would have reminded W of how spontaneous and caring I could be. I don't mean it might influence her one way or the other but just remind her that I'm not the ogre that she sometimes thinks.
I don't like to mind read but sometimes if it looks like a duck , walks like a duck and quacks. W left to find peace ( as she says) and now says she has even less peace but.not coming home I am talking to Ws sister tonight to just let her know how down W is.
Re the crying and signs of depression, it does seem to be a circle and after 4 months it doesn't appear to be getting any better
Again thanks for posting Vanillia. In not sure why but I feel the need to post a lot more of late
Take care. Rd
Hi RD
Sorry things are still feeling tough. Sounds like your W is still very much in a cheeseless tunnel in search of 'peace' and not finding it. It's funny with WAS's. If I met your W, I could have told her that sharing a place with an alcoholic isn't going to lead to peace. Just as you could have told my H that having an A wasn't going to lead to 'passionate love in his life every day.'
I like your analogy of wife A and wife B. It's so true. For my H, fidelity was so important to him. He had always been faithful and was very proud of that. When I asked him how having an A fitted with those values, he shrugged and said - well, I guess I let that standard slip - enter husband B!
It sounds like a good idea to talk to W's sister. I hope that goes ok. From how she has been, sounds like she needs family and friends to look out for her. Chin up RD - I think you're doing really well ((RD))
Hi Toots thanks for posting. I spoke to SIL last night and told her of my concerns over W and she shared these concerns. SILMtold me W calls her and says she is lost and has no idea what she is doing and is losing her family and throwing away her life SIL has asked W to seek help but W says she is not sure she can handle it. SIL thinks reality has hit home with W and W sees no future for herself.
SIL told me W thinks Im being very supportive of her and have turned into a great dad. SIL also told me that she does not believe Ws issues are really not with me but with her own life
Re OM W has tod SIL that it's not an EA or PA but someone she can just forget about real life with but I'm still not sure
There is a bit more but I have to go into doctor so I will post later.
Take care. Rd
Sounds like a very wise SIL.
RD very important feedback from SIL.
Reality may bite even harder if W sees OM for who he really is. A drunken compulsive.
V
Thanks Vanillia. Not sure what you mean by important feedback as I knnew most things and W has told me the same
Just a quick note , I was with consultant today and gots results of check up on kidney. This might not mean much to a lot of you but my creatinine level was 72. Which is below normal for someone with two kidneys let alone one !!!!!
W home tonight and can't get enough of talking to me Makes it hard to think of her with OM yet be able to be so close and open with me. Ho hum
Take care. Rd
Well done with the kidney test RD! Remember not to be too available to your W when she comes around.....It would be lovely if she came around one time and you were out with a GAL plan...
Toots. Thanks very much. Almost two years now and going strong.
Pink. Where are you. Little bit concerned as no way of posting on your thread. Please let us know how your doing.
Take care. Rd
RD, so happy to hear the good health report!
Thanks Rppfl. And now some journallling, three calls fromW yesterday , nothing major just her chatting about D13s birthday and how she feels bad because she is going to D13s meal but didn't go to S16s. I said its in the past and we will be having a good enough time that S16' will be ok. W then told me that S16s gave her a card for her birthday but didn't sign it and it really upset her. I explained that S16 was taking her leaving hard and is using anger and hurt as his way of showing it. W agreed
I got home last night and W was there ( W stays in home on weds) and she was very chatty about her work and family. She was also very grateful for her birthday gift and asked me to sit down and look at family pictures with her which I did.
W and I got D13s presents ready for this morning and W went off to bed This am, D (now ) 14 had a great time and got all the presents she asked for. I was getting them ready to leave for school and W asked if I was going to L/C , I said no but if she wanted to go next week re kids we could. W declined because she is working all next week bar Thursday (L/C day ) she added that she was happy to go another time. As I was walking towards front door to leave she said that she was not looking forward to working every day next week ( usually 3 days ) and added that she never realised the life of luxury and ease that she had for the last 20 years !!!!! I resisted the truth dart and took kids to school. Family dinner at Eddie rockets tonight , so I am looking forward to that
It's very tough when we are together as a family as its so normal and its easy to think we could go back to how we were ( the good times ) Oh well. I suppose it's better to be this way than at each other's throats.
Take care. Rd
It's very tough when we are together as a family as its so normal and its easy to think we could go back to how we were ( the good times ) Oh well. I suppose it's better to be this way than at each other's throats.
RD, I rolled around in this for seven months between BD and S. We'd spend every weekend together as a family and every Monday I'd question how on earth H could ever want to leave this? How could he give up these special moments with his children? But he did. And I really don't know how he goes to sleep every night. WASs have a different mindset than you and I do.
I agree. It's hard to see what WAS is giving up....and seemingly without much regret in many cases (eg: mine!) RD, I have been quoting your stars and planets analogy elsewhere on the forum. I also would like to hear from Pink....Pink, please post and let us know how you are - I'm missing you!
Thanks Toots m not a good day today. We went out for D14 birthday meal and had an ok time. Plenty of laughs but something missing Got home and D14 asked W to stay W said no and a big argument ensued. W left and called me a while later saying she couldn't handle the situation and just wanted to run away.
Two texs and a call this am from W to say sorry. I had to keep D14 out of school because of how upset she was.
Seems to be getting worse and I'm no t sure how much more kids can take
I will post more later but W seems all over the place re kids
Take care Rd
Really sorry to hear that RD. That's a shame for D14 on her birthday....and tough all round for the family.
Your W seems to not want to be a parent, but be a parent still - and it's no wonder your kids are struggling with the changes. Without looking back in your sitch - are they getting any external input or support at all? It may be an option if things are difficult.
Incidentally, have you read any of the MLC books by Jim or Sally Conway? I'm reading Men in Midlife Crisis at the moment, and it's certainly very interesting. There are many themes in there that apply to your W's behaviour.
Post later RD and let us know if we can help more. Take care x
Sounds like a very wise SIL.
RD very important feedback from SIL.
Reality may bite even harder if W sees OM for who he really is. A drunken compulsive.
V
RD important as follows
1. W is checking in with SIL
2. SIL would take action if there is deterioration
3. SIL view remains unchanged
4. W trusts SIL and SIL is comfortable with you
Great news on kidney function tests, really pleased.
V
Thanks Toots and Vanilla Vanillia , thanks for the clarification. I do agree but at the same time I have to remember that W is now with someone else and even though I still care as has decided that she doesn't need my help anymore.
Got W a bit of a joke valentines card and she sent a hoppy Valentine's Day text this morning. She is here now a she was just crying over D14 /and spoiling D14s birthday again. So hard to see her today. I am carrying on as always and chatty but not starting convs or the like but she is clearly gone I am much better overall due to L/C and DBing + time but it still hurts and brings back all the feelings of 'what's wrong with me" and why is OM so much better than me.
Oh well this is my life and more L/C , DBing and time will make me stronger. ( ai really really hope ! ).
Take care all
Rd
rd, from what you've said there is no way that OM is better than you. Just NO WAY. So don't even go there. I'm curious why you would send her a Valentine's card? It that kosher with DBing? Not that it matters necessarily, I'm just wondering what you hoped it might accomplish. Happy Valentine's Day to you!
Hi Ahoy. Thanks for posting. OM Iis better than me in Ws eyes anyway , which is tough.
The Valentine card was a couple of reasons firstly I'm trying to be the best person I can be and W is still denying OM and L/C is advising me to not chase but treat W as I would have. 2nd reason I get my two Ds Valentine cards and D14 was staying with W last night so I had to ask W to put card on her pillow this am and I didn't want to ignore the day re W. 2 x 4s for this but I think W is very lost and I want to try everything to maybe have an R with her in the future until OM is admitted to. I stick to the 37 rules 99.9% and I think I might even have made W feel there is no way back Either way it's done now so I can only move forward The card was a funny one and I put a funny lyric inside with no romantic overtures ('while I do realise it was a valentines card ). I also think W is gone now 4'months and she is obviously not coming home anytime soon
Sad today and would love to have my old W back. Sigh. Self pity train. Rd first class ticket.
Take care. Rd
At least you're in first class RD!
Now then, about this OM thing. I don't like this talk of him being better than you - because RD is fab! Your W isn't making great choices right now - a reflection of her general fragile state of mind at the moment. OM is one of those not so great choices. When people get involved with OPs, they normally 'trade down' from their S.
When they seek an OP, they go for an expedient person. One who is 'there' and is willing to become involved with someone who is already M. You tend to attract someone of a similar state of emotional health to you - so WAS - who are not emotionally healthy right now - attract others in a similar place.
Well, we survived V Day in any case.....another 'first' ticked off the list..
Thanks Toots Just a bit of an update. Kids and I watched Back to the future 3 last night W text about 8.45pm to ask how everyone was. And this morning W called into see kids at 8.45am on her way to work. I'm obviously no expert but W seems to be finally grasping ow now much kids are hurting I still think she is determined re M but at least abit of reality is sinking in re kids Kids and I did a it of housework today. Where does the washing come from ? I almost need two washing machines !!!! Anyway. Roast beef almost ready and plenty of nazi zombies to kill and monopoly after roast I think I'll make someone a great husband one day , OH WAIT A MINUTE , NO I DIDNT !!!!!
Back to third class class on pity train and I got off once or twice while food shopping with D14
Take care all. Rd
If you need two washing machines, get two.
I have a friend who uses one for dirty sports gear and her other machine for flimsies. Strikes me RD by standing for your M then you are a great H.
Where do the nazi zombies come in?
You weren't watching the same film as Karma?
V
Hi Vanillia, thank you for posting. re the nazi zombies , its an xbox game thats been around a few years and myself and S16 otry to reach a high score every couple of weeks.
I am standing for my M. I sometimes feel foolish as W has chosen to leave and then sometimes I want to try everything to make M work for W, myself and my children, (not sure what order).
It's very tough and I wish I had your strength of character.
take care RD
OD, I think you do yourself a disservice - you have great strength of character :-)
RD
My generous DB friend you do have great strength and purpose, sometimes it is hard to see this in ourselves.
Please accept the gift offered by Toots, which is endorsed by V.
Looking good Irish charm with an east end accent
V
I want to try everything to make M work for W, myself and my children, (not sure what order).
RD, I'm going to press you a little here. What order? Think about why you are doing what you are doing.
I have based a lot of actions on my kids. I didn't want them to know, I didn't want H to move out. Because I thought that was best for my kids. (It didn't work out the way I wanted, obviously.) Lately, I hae considered that even if H were to beg to come home, I can't guarantee he'd stay and......you guessed it......him leaving twice would be devastating to my kids. So that would be reason enough to say no. Where do I fit into all this? I'm not sure. Where do you fit in, RD?
Hi Rppfl. Re the order it's quite difficult , one of my big mistakes I made in my marriage was to put the kids first and foremost , way above W. I took W for granted and didn't put enough value on her as a person
As I have said before I am very lucky in my sitch that W left and I have everything except W.
W treats me well, no real spew anymore , no talk of OM and she doesn't really include me in her life in as far as giving me hope.
I suppose at the moment I would like R with W for my children , after that I would like an R with W for me as I do love the woman I married and spent the last 25 years with Lastly I would like a. R for W as I think we got lost over the last 5 years and I would love to have an M that we both deserve and should have had. Over the last 9 months I ha e improved as a person and a father and I believe this would make me a good H
As you say Rppfl, I'm not sure if W came back if things would work out as so much has happened and we went from been so close to where we are now
My L/C is a really positive person and when I'm with her all is possible but when I'm alone or interact with W , I think I see that it's over. Plenty of positive signs but nothing concrete. W calls a lot and shares her sadness over her choices but I believe that's just because she is comfortable with me after all the years together
I'm seeing L/C this week and I'm hoping she can bring back some positivity back as I seem to have lost focus recently.
I hate to mind read but W seems determined in her choices no matter how much upset she portrays
Thanks for the question Rppfl as I tend to look at things in black and white and don't often look past that W is gone and that's that.
Take care Rd
Hi RD,
just out of curiousity how do you feel when wife shares her sadness with you? if it brings you down do you have anything that you can do to counteract it (meditation or exercise maybe)
Take care of yourself. I'd love to read you've got some GAL plans for you.
Thanks Vanillia but I think you do yourself a great disservice. I would love to have 122 your strength. I wallow in self pity way to much and you never seem to
When ever you Postin anyone's sitch I always read what you say because if it's not insightful it's humerus
Thanks to all the people who take time to post on my sitch because I struggle so much in what is happening. It's seems like a nightmare
Take care all Rd
RD
There is no requirement for an order. In my eyes children welfare ALWAYS comes first and this is achieved by a healthy R between mum and dad. Both working together for the benefit of the family by concentrating on their M and a great mutual respect and love.
So, you were imperfect, that was then this is now. RD you have great love for your children and for W. Please extend that to yourself, let yourself off the hook and remember the extraordinary strength of your body in recovering from your kidney disease. This is within you to tap and use.
RD has a great sense of humour too......
V
Hi Jim, thanks for posting, when I see W sad it makes me feel sad. I am improving re detachment but I need to be much more detached. At the moment it seems that W is boucing along the bottom. She seems adamant about M and an R with me but she has given up alot to leave. We are not wealthy but any means but we would have enough to live. W has gone from having money to having 8 euro until friday ( yesterdays quote to me over phone )
I have no anger towards her more disappointment that she will not give our family a chance. I do appreciate W proberbly gave our M lots of chances from her perspective but that's no help to me now.
My L/C is teaching me loving detachment in that I don't get involved in W's personal life away from us but I also don't put up a wall. It's similar to DBing but with more acts of kindness with no agenda.
As time passes I see that I am in recovery and there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I think my sitch has a bit of a twist in that W has access to the house and I'm not comfortable to restrict her contact with children to a formal arrangement. With time this might change but, like everyone else, the kids are all important. Also I live with my kids, in my home with only D14 going to W's for 1 night a week. I am really lucky and do see that.
W called me in the car this am on her way to work to speak to D10 who I was taking to school. I had already dropped D10 so W chatted for about 5 mins. W seems to be coming out of fog re kids and W is making an effort to reach out to them. This is the first time since W left that she has called any of the kids on her way to work.
thanks for the question Jim, sometimes I get so caught up in life that I dont really think about the sitch.
take care Rd
Hi all. Just an update. W was home Monday and cleaning g boys bedroom s20 has a bottle of go. In his room but has not touched it for 2 months W found it while cleaning and emptied it out. Now the bottle has been in the same place for over a year but after D14s birthday episode , S20 had a glass of vodka. Now my S20 is 6ft 16 stone and as soft as they come. He is a gentle giant and a wonderful son that has good friends that go out about 2 times a month. S20 has never come home anything other than merry and he is a hard working student that gives me a lot less cause for concern than I gave my mum !!!! When S20 saw bottle was empty he text W to ask if she empitied it. W text back yes and a text argument ensured. Basically S20 told W that she had no right to touch his stuff and if he took'W's cigarettes and thew them away she would go mad even though he would be helping her. At the end W agreed to give up smoking and they are friends again.
IW really seems to be coming out of fog re kids which is really nice.
Just one call today frrom W , just a chat and she's in house tonight sitting opposite me chatting away arm around D10 with me on other settee with D14 , fire lit and we are watching myth busters Oh well.
Take care. Rd
RD what is a bottle of go?
V
Hi Vanillia sorry gin, I type on my iPhone and auto correct make me look even more stupid than I am !
Hello OD - just dropping by to say Hello and see how you're doing. I too wasn't sure about GO - thought it might be an alcopop that I'm about 30 years too old for!
Sounds as though you are doing pretty well over there. And pleased to read that your W seems to have woken up to the plight of your kids and is focusing more on them. That's a healthier place to be...stars are visible. No planets for either of us yet OD, but hang on in there my friend. I think you are already a man only a fool would leave ;-)
Hi Toots thanks for looking in. Had L/C today and she's still very positive re my M. Stressing that I need to be the best I can be and treat W well. L/C thinks I should move forward with my life and leave W alone re R until W decides she needs help.
I always feel calmer after L/C , not happier but calmer. I do believe I will be happy again , I just struggle to see how W and. I will ever be ok as friends because Im not sure you can interact with someone after sharing 25 years together. I almost think it will be easier if W was not in our lives anymore. Each week there seems to be more drama with her or her and kids.
W's sister is coming over for two days next weekend so I am hoping she will help W make the right decisions for W.
Two calls today from W and one text. Mostly children related but plenty of chat as well
L/C is big on the right thinking and not getting bogged down with the past or negative thoughts. Easy when your sitting with her , bit tougher when your on your own.
Lots of stars Toots but no sign of the planet
Take care. Rd
I just struggle to see how W and. I will ever be ok as friends because Im not sure you can interact with someone after sharing 25 years together. I almost think it will be easier if W was not in our lives anymore.
You know I'm in the "let's be friends" camp, RD. But I do think that for most people there needs to be a period of not being friends, just to reset the rules. I'm reading a book about different "models" of being D. Couples may move between the models at various times in their lives and most of them can't keep the friends one up very long. Seems being friends is tricky for most people. But there are options between "friends" and "not in our lives". Can you envision something in between?
Hi Rppfl. I don't think I can at the moment. I loved this woman' and we spent 25 years together. Like most couples we had hard times , money wise , health wiser and had great times , etc but through it all we had each other , we really were best friends. I know that's gone and now she no longer wants that and I'm not sure if I'm honest with myself that I can ever get over it. I'm sure with time the pain will lessen buti don't see any way of treating her as a friend long term.
At the moment she spends time with OM and realistically that's the killer part for me. I treat W like a friend at the moment, W has just enough money to survive and on Monday she's heading to the doctor so I gave her the money to pay. I don't talk about our R or M because simply there isn't one anymore. W is having a hard time with her choices but I don't try to help other than what a friend would do Inside I would love to help her out more but again not what she wants.
My L/C wants me to carry on being the improving person she sees but I seem to have stagnated re W I have her and OM on my mind way to much and I let my mood be driven by her.
I'm way too impatient and I want resolution now even if that's the end of any chance of an R with W As I say I do t do anything that W can see and I am always pleasant and upbeat around W and I do know that my sitch could be so much worse. Sorry for the whining but a bit down today
Today cooked myself and kids had a full cooked breakfast then went for a two hour walk , did 6.5 k ) near the local army camp , so lots of shooting ranges and exciting things to see. We came home played on Xbox then we all went bowling and then gott takeaway for dinner. All chilling out in front and TV now , stuffed and feeling lazy. Not as upset as I used to be just very sad and feel empty. Lots of life ahead but feel I will be alone and it's not a nice feeling. I did go on the date and the lady was attractive, smart and seems to want to take it further but for me there was no connection and ii doubt if any connection. Could be like the one I had with W due to our past and our kids
Tough day and I hope to be up tomorrow
Take care Rd
RD
Time my dear friend.
Go GAL!
V
Problem:
My L/C wants me to carry on being the improving person she sees but I seem to have stagnated re W I have her and OM on my mind way to much and I let my mood be driven by her.
Solution:
You do well keeping busy with your kids, RD, and that's a start. But you need some adult interaction, too. No, you will never have another R like the one with your W. There, I said it. But that doesn't mean you can't go out and have a good time. My IC keeps reminding me that I can go out and have a good time and meet new people. Some of those people might be single guys. And eventually I might want to get to know one of them better. But it's a process, there's no rush, no need to dwell on what's to come. Enjoy the journey.
Hi Rppfl Thanks for posting you right and I'll have to GAL
Quick bit of news on W. W went to doctor today as she has no appetite, can't sleep and is constantly tired , her weight loss continues and she is suffering headaches and bad stomach pains Doctor had a look , took some tests and is waitng for the bloods results to come back but doc told her it looked like stress and W needed to get her mental state sorted. W told me this and looked at me like I could provide an answer. Ws sister coming over on Friday to visit W so hopefully she will advise W to get some help with her thoughts and sort out her life. We will see
Thank to all for reading Take care. Rd
RD
This could also be alcohol and weed. I have to say that my H is dreadful when he drinks and H has not been eating properly.
SIL seems very grounded too and will no doubt take action if she needs too. You will have to let them deal with this.
It is very sad to see our spouses in this state. It is likely there are physical and mental issues, chicken and egg. The physical is much easier to deal with.
V
Hi Vanillia sorry gin, I type on my iPhone and auto correct make me look even more stupid than I am !
I'm pretty sure its a programming thing with the iPhone.
The programmer had a sense of humor, pretty sure.
Just realise you aren't so special and sometimes mine changes stuff well after I typed it and even tho I read it a few times, it's making me look like a jabbering idjiot!
I doubt family will let her come to physical harm, but both weed and grog will cause weigh loss combined with stress.
Look it as a postive sign she has a grief reaction, like you have but she's not dealing with it. Not so mature.
Thanks Ggrass, the iphone thing is unreal, I re read my posts sometimes and even I'm not sure what I have typed.
Difficult one with W. She just text me to say she never heard from doc re urine sample and is taking that as a good thing. I believe it's a stress thing as W has left her kids, left her home and not exactly improved her personal sitch other than to be Rd free. I don't think that she thought through leaving her kids and home and it was a bit of a panic reaction more than a rush to OM and now she is in a hole without an easy way out.
Thanks for posting, RD
Hi RD, it's good to hear that your W is seeking medical support and making progress with that. I wouldn't be at all surprised if it is entirely stress related. And it's good that SIL is on the scene and can hopefully suggest some constructive ways forward,
As for RD, sounds like you are pretty steady over there (gosh, Ipad just nearly changed steady to 'steamy' - glad I caught that one!)
What is more embarrassing to me is that autocorrect also corrects the spelling errors in other people's posts if I am quoting. I think that looks rude so I quite often find myself changing corrected errors back to the original misspelling only to find it autocorrected again when submitted!
Grrrrrrr
V
RD, I'm constantly amazed at the WAS on here who declare their lives are miserable, that they've made a mistake, whose health is suffering because of the stress they've created. And yet, they won't do the one thing that seems so obvious. Come back to the people that love them. That must be hard to watch.
My H, on the other hand, seems happy as a clam and has never looked better. ;-)
thanks Rppfl and thanks for checking in on my sitch, not a good couple of days. Just can't see an end to this. W has backed herself into a corner in all different ways, I know I shouldn't be whining because I am so lucky compared to others but here goes anyway.
W has not enough money to live, W works part time and won't get another job.
W has OM, who she is denying is anything but a friend but my 4 kids despise him for various reasons so W will find it very hard (inpossible) to ever annouce him into their lives and keep any relationship with her 2 S's and D10. D14 might get over it but who knows.
W is not coping with her choices re leaving kids and home and her health is suffering. Because of how she left, it would be very hard for her to have kids stay with her, (only D14 goes there now ) even in the long term so her mental state won't be improving anytime soon.
the marraige is over and due to OM a friendship going forward between Rd and W will be very hard.
How does Rd move forward, if Rd sells family home and splits profits with W, then W will have no access to Rd's new home. Kids won't go to Ws home, W can't afford to take them out, so by selling home Rd would be stopping W seeing her kids. At the moment W collects kids from school 3 days a week and stays with them and cooks thier dinner. On wednesdays W stays the night. W has access to the house at all times, she does own 1/2.
I don't want to stop the kids seeing W but at the moment it's almost impossible to get through a day without the constant physical contact with W. Is there a point where Rd comes before kids, I don't see how there can be or atleast not until D10 turns 18.
As I say sorry for whining.
Take care, Rd
Hi RD
Sorry it hasn't been the best couple of days. Sometimes it's just hard to see how things will work out and we'll find happiness - either together or apart!
FWIW, I don't see a decision to sell the house as stopping your W and kids from having a relationship. I think you may be taking on too much responsibility there! It may feel like that, given present circumstances, but who knows how things will look 3,6,12 months from now. OM may be long gone, and your W may buy a suitable home with her part of the funds if you sold your house, and the kids may be happy to go stay there.
Ultimately, in these situations, I think BS's are right to encourage positive contact between kids and WAS's. But, IMHO, that doesn't extend to putting your own life on hold. Ultimately, your W's relationship with her kids is hers to 'own.'
Also RD, if you sold this house and bought another, you may still welcome your W there. Equally, you may have a lovely new GF. Now, she's not going to want W visiting every Wed eve is she? I guess, all I'm saying is that things will change at some point RD and you'll know what is the right thing to do my friend. ((((RD))))) - and a cheeky x for you.
thanks Toots, really nice post. Really struggling with this at the moment, I think W will carry on like this until she has a breakdown or something. There seems to be no reality in her world. I'm not talking about her world as regards M or kids but in her whole world. Her sister is coming over on Friday, W called me to ask is it ok for SIL to get bus from airport to our town and then walk the 3 miles from town to my home. W said she had considered taking the afternoon off but she would lose a 1/2 days pay which is 30 euro. W says this to me in a , poor me, way.
Her sister is coming over because W was talking suicide two weeks ago and W has been calling her saying that she can't go on, etc. W is still denyiny OM, even to SIL, who is very close to W.
As I say, the roller coaster has to stop but how do I get off without making W worse ? I know I'm not responsible for W anymore but at the same time I don't think W is completly stable
thanks again Toots, I did look at your sitch this am and your L seems on the ball. After the positives of last week I am hoping your H is coming to his senses and he will give you more options on your future.
take care, Rd
RD
Thank you for your support over the last few days, I value it greatly.
Today is SIL day for W, Sounds very odd W asking SIL to walk to your house!
I do not get that at all.
V
Yes, I didn't get that either. Poor woman will probably arrive footsore, wheeling her case, and desperate for a cup of tea....
I hope her visit goes well though RD, and that you're generally doing okay. Will you and the family see much of SIL whilst she's here? Is she staying with your W?
I saw that as an attempt to get RD to offer to go pick up SIL. W says she can't go, poor me, SIL will have to walk 3 miles, poor SIL. Too bad RD doesn't have any fresh ideas to bail us out.
Manipulation and martyrdom.
I agree RPP.
But I would have thought SIL was capable of getting herself a taxi?
V
Hi Rppfl, Toots and Vanillia. All of you are right. W was hinting but SIL and I always got on. SIL is great. beautiful, tall , slim , she's teachs challenged children and is a really nice person. W called me this am and we talked for about 1/2 hour about kids and her work. Last night was tough with D14 and I had to put my foot down D14 was ok this morning and W was saying she knows that all the kids are affected but D14 is playing up a bit , I agreed but said the D14 was a teenager as all. W then said shis was hard for all of us and I answered it is was it is and we just have to get on with it. W then asked if I had spoken to SIL and I said I have and had arranged with SIL to collect her. W seem surprised by t was greatful I collected SIL and she is a real lady and I took her home to the three youngest kids , made her lunch and the five of us had a good afternoon Lots of chat , laughter and catch up. It's funny because I felt closer to SIL than I do to W. She was warm ,caring and really seemed to care. W came home after work for about an hour and then left with SIL Before SIL left she hugged us all and my two D"s wouldn't let her go It really brought home to me how much W has changed W and SIL taking D"s shopping tomorrow and they are looking forward to it.
KFC and underworld 3 film tonight with S16 and two D's Pictures on Sunday with lady friend but that's my GAL total.
Great to see SIL but sad that I'm not really going to be in that family much anymore and OM might. Tough but that's life
Thanks for caring ladies. Take care. Rd
RD
W may find it very difficult to introduce this particular OM into her family, at the moment she appears to be denying OM as an OM, even to SIL.
SIL seems very special and capable, especially if your Ds get on with her.
V
Glad SIL's visit's going well RD, and glad she didn't arrive at your house sodden, wheeling her case with a broken heel after a long hike. (I do think your W should have picked her up though....don't think she's thinking straight.)
Who knows RD, maybe SIL will talk a bit of sense to W. But as we all know WAS's only come out of their fog when they're ready and 'reason' may not get through right now. Still, what happens now may well pave the way for a future shift.
Glad your kids are enjoying the visit too - Did you mention 'lady friend' RD?
Thanks again ladies. I'm not sure anyone can talk sense into W. She appears set on her path and I think time is the only healer for her. MLC or OM or whatever the issue W seems resolute. Meant to post yesterday that SIL luggage was left behind at Exeter airport and she is on medication for a thyroid issue. Bags were supposed to be delivered to my house ( ? ) last night but never the ex up. I'm had to sweet talk my chemist this morning and got her two tabs I'm a Mr fixit by nature but I think it's ok re DBIng because it's for SIL and she needed them.
Hi Toots yes lady friend has invited my to pictures tomorrow and I think I'll go it's a bit of GAL and will get me out without kids.
Thanks again to you all. My take care. RD
Hi Toots yes lady friend has invited my to pictures tomorrow and I think I'll go it's a bit of GAL and will get me out without kids.
Yes! That's it, RD. Fun with the kids, fun without them just for RD. Good job.
Hi all. No gal in the end Just a quiet day cleaning and cooking. D's a little sad after SIL went home but not to bad. SIL and W came home yesterday and made lunch. I stayed for about two hours then made my excuses , said goodbye to SIL and went for a drive. Felt really awkward around W when SIL was here W seemed very ill at ease SIL was great to be around , just a really nice person and great company. It makes you realise that there are other people out there who could make me feel good again and content Gone about two hours and SIL called from W"s phone to say thanks for everything and she had done the carrots for tea ! Got a text from W today to thank me for looking after SIL and no other contact. Bit unusual for a Sunday as she normally would call at least twice
I hope SIL was able to advise W on her life and how to proceed it I doubt if I will ever know
Quite down today and lonely. Poor Rd
Take care all. Rd
Hi all. Just an update. W called today to ask if I need any housework done We had a quick chat but normal stuff. Collect S20'and D14 on the way home and W was still here. I had stripped D"s beds this morning and W was putting on fresh sheets. W asked for a hand and we chatted about her work. W thanked me for dinner and got ready to go. I walked her out and D10 opened window to remind W that she never said goodbye. W seemed tomrush off after this. I then got a text from SIL to thank me for hospitality and how much she enjoyed seeing kids. SIL also told me that she was proud of the job I was doing and impressed how the kids were being looked after We texted back and forth for a while and have agreed to talk soon.
As time passes I still want M but the reality is W does not. I believe that if W keeps her life apart from ours re OM we can get through this and kids and I can rebuild
One small thing , W had her rings on today Normally wears them on left hand these days but today back on correct finger. Probably just to make me wonder.
I do realise I'm posting alot about W but it helps me.
Take care all. , Rd
rd, you are doing so well! And everyone can see it. Your W is a fool. What amazes me is how patient you are and how you would still be willing to save the M if your wife "wakes up." You are a model of perseverance. But it's also refreshing to hear you say that you will be okay on your own if she doesn't come to that realization. Because it's true. Your kids and SIL and everyone else sees what an amazing person you are, and they see how lost your W is. You have done an incredible job of keeping your kids as stable and cared for as possible during this difficult time. If only all men were like you!
thanks very much Ahoy. I think your too kind but it's still nice to hear !
I believe alot of thanks goes to my L/C, she takes the things I say and turns them around from such a different perspective that it really makes me think. L/C is big on just being the best person you can be and letting all else go. I think it helps in my sitch that I have my 4 kids with me 24/7 as it lets me see whats important. W is gone and I do think she is somewhat lost but I also think she has just become a different person. If someone had told me two years ago that W would leave her kids I would have bet my life she wouldn't. I do think OM is a huge draw but I struggle to see how he's more of a draw than her kids.
L/C believes that W is suffering from stress and maybe an MLC but who really knows ?
thanks again and take care, Rd
rd, you are doing so well! And everyone can see it. Your W is a fool. What amazes me is how patient you are and how you would still be willing to save the M if your wife "wakes up." You are a model of perseverance. But it's also refreshing to hear you say that you will be okay on your own if she doesn't come to that realization. Because it's true.
This is great ^^^
RD
You can add me to the vote of confidence too. I am a founder member of the RD fan club!
V
Thanks Toots and Vanillia You are very kind and your support and advice means a great deal to me. Take care. Rd
I believe alot of thanks goes to my L/C, she takes the things I say and turns them around from such a different perspective that it really makes me think.
Yes, the is the beauty of and IC or LC, isn't it? To see things from a different perspective. And people on these boards do that as well, that has been key to my journey.
Anything new with you, RD?
Hi all. Just an update. Nothing spectacular to report but here's this weeks news
SIL left on Sunday and W seemed really down on Monday and Tuesday Had the usual calls and she was waiting for results back from doctors re her blood tests. This was on Tuesday and she also said during the call that she was worried that she was depressed. I vaildated her and told her it was probably best to wait for docs results and take from there. W stayed in the house Wednesday and the night was ok , W was very chatty and was talking about buying a smaller car due to running costs Again I vaildated and stfu after that. On Thursday I went to
L/C and things did not go well. L/C told me that I needed to let go of thoughts and assumptions re OM ( L/C does not believe a EA/PA ) as it is holding me back re personal growth Thursday PM W called and after some chat told me again that she thinks she might be depressed and she is thinking of going back to L/C I didn't really comment.
Friday W was home collecting D14 and W told D10 that she really hated her job and the people she works with Sat pm W dropped D14 home and W started telling me about her weight loss and lack of appetite. She has lost over 2.5'stone and did not have that to lose. W started pointing out how small her chest had gone and she was very worried that she was depressed. We then had a small
Argument that was over reasonably quickly and didn't esculayte, which is a huge step forward for us. W then told me that D14 told her on Friday that she didn't feel W was her mum anymore. I validated Ws sadness and left it at that.
Sunday I got a long text from W apologisein for the argument and saying how we were both very stressed over the situation. W finished text with how she misses us all.
4/5'texts last nite from W , general stuff but unusual for a text at all on a Sunday
That's all folks. Loads of stars, lots of positive words. Plenty of closeness re touching , pet names and personal sharing but W Lives somewhere else
Thanks for reading. Take care. Rd
Hi Rppfl. I only saw your post after I finished mine. Thanks for checking in on me
Take care. Rd
RD, let me ask a question. I know LC thinks there is no EA/PA, and you believe the same thing. What if there is? Would it change anything for you? Just asking......
Hi RD, sorry to hear your W is sounding so low. It just sounds as though she is unhappy with so many things in her life right now. She obviously still sees you as someone she can depend on and talk to. Without checking back, has she discussed possible depression with the doctor RD?
It's sad that your D feels that way. It must be tough for everyone. Your W is obviously upset to hear that, but seems at a loss to do anything positive about it either. I know you said she had improved with regards to the kids.
As usual, I'm amazed at your fortitude and forebearance RD. I struggle along, and it's easier as I don't have that much contact with H. But you have a great deal, and still manage to keep everything going - I'm full of admiration RD.
Take Care x
Hi Rppfl I think there could well be !!!!! I have chosen to carry on as if there is not becuase I want to be positive and be the best I can be W is spending time with OM and W would normally be way out of OMs league but as I say I have chosen to accept what W has told me At the moment I don't think it matters too much as W and I have no R If we were ever to reconcile Im not sure I'm mature enough to get over an PA. L/C has spoken to W about OM and that's how she formed her opinion.
On a different note When I came home tonight W was here a getting ready to leave. We chatted for 10 mins and I went to my car as she was going out the drive. I waved and she waved back. She then stopped the car and called me. Me he discussed her credit rating and said she hoped it wouldn't affect mine. I told her not to worry about it and I could see her well up with tears. I told her that I was worried about her and she should look after herself , W burst into tears and grabbed me and pulled me into a hug and a kiss through the car window. I told her not to be upset and call me if she needed to talk. She drove off and called me 20'mins later to discuss her hair style !!!!!!
Rppfl , thanks again for caring , it means a lot. Take care. Rd
Thanks Toots. Yes W has been to doctor last week and they are ruling out physical problems ( W is going through menopause) first and then they will
Discuss depression W has had post natal depression and was on tabs for a few years. W is very sad at the moment and is always close to tears I have posted before that although she has left her kids I believe she is struggling big time about it. On the sofa at the moment with Ds and S16 watching match, just finished playing cards and loser had to make tea. (d10) Very sad without W but I am so lucky to have my kids.
All the ladies on here have such compassion and I am truly grateful to you all
For your support. Thank you , take care , Rd
Ok RD, I am back and ready to rock your world...
Read your posts and I see this man that is beating himself down all the time. Really?
Enough RD, you know it is sad, hard, painful and so on, but it does not help your cause to be the same all the time. Your W is depressed, and she needs to lift her spirit right now.
Maybe we all need to think on how you play the game. The OM is just a consequence, a symptom of a bad few years of really boring marriage with lots of kids and kids troubles.
I know our kids are the most valuable in our lives, but they are also a big reason that our marriages go sour.
I see that you want your M back, your W back and happiness back, so it's time to plan every move and get your life back, little by little.
You have it all to your benefit, she wants to take part on the family life, so make it a weapon for your war. Go out with the kids sometimes and invite your W. Maybe everyone gets in a mood and you all have a great time laughing, enjoying each other.
Maybe it would be very good to show her what she is missing, instead of joining her on her sadness and grey days.
How am I doing? In a giant Roller Coaster. I cry a lot, dance, laugh, cry more, talk to friends, work, go out with kids, joined a financial class, doing my divorce, trying to get my H back, being mad with him, hugging, kissing and making love, going dark, up and down, and taking one day at a time.
Crazy...I know, but life is short and I deserve to be happy too. I will do all what takes to get my M back, but I am sure I need to change even further. And so is you, what about telling us what are your changes, what new hair style your W can see, what new shirt are you wearing when she gets to your house, something that may call her attention and make her think of what she may be loosing?
You asked where I was, being in hell and back, will slowly tell all what happen. But I am back to bug you, I see an RD very passionate and very sorry for himself. It's time to get out of your comfort zone and do the 180s.
I am glad you are still here, you are amazing, good H, good father, good chef, good housekeeper. Now, we need to see a good, charming and attractive man. I am sure we girls can help you a lot. What do you think? Can we start?
Lots, lots of hugs to my dear friend,
XOXO
Pink
RD
Thank you for your care and support over the last few dark days.
Facing up to reality is very hard for me and your friendship has been of great support.
V
Hi Vanillia, glad I could offer some support, you are so good to myselfd and others that sometimes I feel you don't see the wood for the trees yourself. Your H and his spew over the last few weeks has got worse and worse and it was getting worrying to read. The escalation was clear to read but I'm not sure if you saw it until the end. Your safe now and take your time to evaluate what's next for vanillia. I also hope this is a wake up call for H. I have known lads that sound like him that don't even realise how they act and sound and it takes a shock for some tyoe of clarity.
Take care, Rd
Hi Pink, great to hear you back, I have posted on your thread.
Thanks for the input, I am very down at the moment and have been over the last few weeks. W seems to be depressed but she has to deal with that.
I think I am mourning the lost of my M and I suppose that will take a while to recover from. I am very lucky that I have my children with me 24/7 and I don't think I would be able to handle life without them too easily.
Life for me is now settling down, I have a lot of housework and alot of ferrying around the place but it's all ok and we have a good routine now. I don't GAl much without kids as after the full day at work, house stuff, etc, I don't have alot of the day left. I did go to dinner with someone but it just didn't feel right and the lady did ask me out again but i passed.
My big issue at the moment is my contact with W. She comes to the house to see kids most days and interacts with me quite a bit. She seems to be mourning the M herself plus she no longer lives with her children and 3 of them won't go to her flat so she has limited time with them. W is also struggling for money and now tells us that she is unhappy with her job. There was talk of suicide from her about a month ago and all this makes it very hard for me to detach.
Time is a great healer but I'm not sure if the amount of contact I have with W will allow time to do it's work.
Thanks for looking in Pink and again it's great to hear from you.
Take care, Rd