Jbird 1 I need some advice about my situation. I live with W and take care of our SND20.
I am trying a new thread to see if more people will checkout my thread and offer more input. (I hope I linked my old thread)
My issue is trying detach, do 180s and validate at the same time. Validation seems to get the best results this time around. While detaching is hard to do because of having to take care of SND20 and living the same house as W.
Hey Jbird....focus on you and your relationship with your kids. Know that no matter what you will be ok. Detaching comes with GaL keeping busy and moving forward. If your wife catches up that's up to her. You will still have a full and happy life.
Karma, you simplify it so well for me, thank you.
I worrying that I am not detaching enough because when W talks with me and I listen and validate her I feel closer to her. Sometimes she comes in the MB and sleeps in the same bed, although she sleeps under separate blankets, I feel closer to her. If I get up and sleep somewhere else I would not feel right either.
W quit wearing her new "rock" shortly after the BD so I quit wearing my ring also. I think that is okay to do but not sure.
All of my children are distancing themselves from her and she is blaming me. I have pretty much kept my mouth shut about it. I have talked to the kids and they have all told me I did not influence them in their reasons to avoid her. On a few occasions I have explained what the opiates have done to her and the abuse she endured affects her behavior. None of the kids buy it, they say it doesn't matter she 44 yrs old and has had enough therapy.
Last night D25 posted some dirty laundry on her fb, she blocked all family and mutual friends, so only a few people D25 trusts received the post. However someone took a screenshot of the post and sent it to her mom. Then W started calling D25 and S22, they avoided her calls so she called me. I didn't get the post and D25 didn't complain about her mom to me, so i said I didn't know anything about to W. She accused me of lying, but I didn't respond. (W is out of town working for two weeks or they would have unloaded on each other)
W was put in the hospital for being suicdal in Jan. 2013, so I have fears of her taking an overdose of pills. She is on 5 or 6 psychiatric drugs, so if I was too leave and the kids exile her, she may put herself to sleep for good. I had a cousin commit suicide by taking an overdose of her pills.
I know that I have to live today and not worry about tomorrow or next week, etc.
W called at 7 am this morning and I missed her call, so I called her back around 8. She asked if I talked to D25 about the post she made, I said I don't know anymore than yesterday. She said, "okay I got to go!"
The post doesn't say who the message is to and was supposed to be only sent to a few of D25's trusted friend, but someone took a screenshot and sent it to W,
The post:
You have $(/4())? up a lot in my 25 yrs and now with my finances. Although it's not the worst thing you have done. ( then d25 rambles about not mounting debt by buying above a budget for a paragraph or so then ends with a hurtful statement)
"Exiling you from my life would be the most freeing thing I could do for myself!"
W thinks I know why D25 posted the dirty laundry, but I have said I don't know. W thinks the post is aimed at her and it most likely is. I know W is mad and hurt over this. I can't imagine my children saying that to me, I would be crushed.
Should I ask the kids to be kinder to their mother?
W will be out of town working for at least two weeks and none of kids plan on calling her or answering any of her calls.
Your situation is very heavy, Jbird. From here, you appear to be dealing with it with poise. You're doing many things right, including keeping your calm.
I haven't read all your previous thread, but I noticed that many people have asked you if you were sure you wanted to stay married to your W. It's entirely your choice. Sometimes, people miss the opportunity to have a good thinking about this, just because they didn't make the choice to S. But you have the gift of time and I'll encourage you to think of the many ways in which your life might unfold, especially now that your kids are mostly grown.
Should I ask the kids to be kinder to their mother?
The advice around here is usually not to get involved in the relationships of other people. The best thing would be not to get in between your children and their mom. It does sound like D25 has unhealthy ways of dealing with difficulties, but she's a grown-up now.
I see you started a new thread, but it shouldn't make a difference in the attention you get. Quite the opposite, it makes it harder to go back in your sitch and understand recent events. Stick with this one thread until you reach 100 posts. You've been patient and updating regularly, which is good. Consider posting more on the the threads of others. You will become better known and people will be curious about your sitch and will visit your threads and start commenting.
Thanks Mozza, great advice. I will start posting on other peoples threads, even if it's just encouragement. I lost my confidence to advise anyone, as I DB'd successfully, so I thought and now I'm back to square one.
I wonder if I should walk away? I wonder if I want to DB and reconcile? Either way I'll DB.
I still love W and am very attracted to her. We have been remarried 7 years and we had been closer than we had ever been. Two glitches set us back, being sexually attacked by a coworker triggered PTSD and Major Depression and then her relapse on pain killers in Sept 2014.
My situation is heavy like you said, so I have to find more things to GAL, which enhances my mood and self confidence.
Thanks Mozza, great advice. I will start posting on other peoples threads, even if it's just encouragement.
That's kind of you, J. But I'm not sure it's what Mozza meant when he suggested you take a serious look at your choices. Examine them, without fear, for 10 minutes on a daily basis and see what evolves.
Of course, encouragement to others to follow/stay on course with DBing, is a good idea, anyhow. It may help YOU to do the same, eh?
I lost my confidence to advise anyone, as I DB'd successfully, so I thought and now I'm back to square one.
I wonder if I should walk away? I wonder if I want to DB and reconcile? Either way I'll DB.
Those^^ are 2 questions ONLY YOU can answer. You need not answer them today but realize NO ONE HERE is going to answer these for you.
Yet, you sort of do answer at the end of it. "Either way"...you need to GAL and Detach. YES you must.
Even if you reconcile and stay married, YOU my friend, are too enmeshed and co-dependent to function happily as a man on his own. At least that's how I see it.
You are filled with one worry and concern about HER< after another and that is no way to live.
Married or not, it's just not healthy. I hope you will realize this soon.
I still love W and am very attracted to her. We have been remarried 7 years and we had been closer than we had ever been. Two glitches set us back, being sexually attacked by a coworker triggered PTSD and Major Depression and then her relapse on pain killers in Sept 2014.
If 2 events, even traumatic ones, have completely broken your m, then I think there were underlying issues within the relationship and or within you two as individuals or just her....but does this really still matter?
Why bring it up so often? I am asking you to ask yourself that.
It's NOT a judgement on my end, but a question for YOU to ask yourself b/c it sounds as if you are trying to convince someone of something....
My situation is heavy like you said, so I have to find more things to GAL, which enhances my mood and self confidence.
So what are you going to join, explore, learn, begin or see THIS MONTH?
For GAL suggestions, let me mention some of what I did when we lived in the interior of Alaska, including in the winter.
Also we had 3 kids, including a baby (so I don't really want to hear about how '' you are 'too busy' to GAL).
Inertia is the greatest enemy to GAL, with fear a close second. Overcome those & you'll be well on your way to a happier more fulfilling life.
IMO, the more you overcome fear & inertia, the better your R's will be with all people, including your w.
I volunteered at a battered women's shelter.
I coached a girl's softball team, two summers (my older D was on it).
I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, (& our son wrestled).
I auditioned for community theater and met some fun creative people. I got cast, too. This has lead to a lot of other wonderful things in my life that would not have occurred, had I not extended myself.
I did stand up comedy (and yes, I still do it). I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the Hollywood Improv. It went very well.
I learned to cross country ski, became a better shooter.
I Learned to hunt big game, to deep sea fish, & I got better at downhill skiing.
I learned to use a snowmobile (or, "snow machine" to Alaskans) I loved riding, & getting outdoors.
I Learned to fly a plane, and I got a pilot's license.
I Went skydiving! I Loved it so much I did it again. I plan on doing it again, soon!
Edited a book. (The book ended up on the Best Seller's List. Who knew?)
I Worked out 3-4 times a week, and I did get in excellent shape. Looking good made a world of difference to me. Found a work out partner and began socializing after the work outs.
(Plus I'd just had our last child and needed to lose the baby weight. It was not easy to do, let alone in the dark, deathly cold of their LONG winters).
Saw a therapist and for some months, went on ADs.
Took a pottery class (very odd for me to do, but I liked it a lot).
Joined the Officer's Wives club after 15 years of active duty.
(Wish I had joined sooner! Met two women who are life long friends to this day.)
Joined a writer's group
Took a class in Conversational French
Took a class in Italian cooking
There is more, but I just wanted to suggest to you a few things you can do that do not cost a lot. Other than pilot training, most of these ^^ activities were free, or quite cheap.
I'm not trying to be harsh, I am hoping to awaken you & get you on track, ASAP.
So, what's it going to be this month/week/day?
Your situation is heavy as you said. My H is also has substance abuse issue. One of the reasons he uses is because of his depression that he won't admit to.
I don't have any advice to give as I am a mess but want to send you some encouragement.
25yrs thank you for all the time you spend helping me and others! You are like the two coaches who could make me excell. They were not scared to push my buttons even if they new I might not be happy about for awhile. I have the utmost respect for them. Every time I read on of your posts I gain more respect for you.
June, thank you for your encouragement. DBing can really help us so don't give up!
Today W sent this text: "I just want you to know I have an appt. on the 20th"
I texted: for ? She texted back: attorney
I'm sure this is in revenge for D25's post on fb. I was upset for a few minutes but I okay now. It is what it is.
25yrs I think I have to drop the rope, no more fixing meals for her, no more butler duties etc. She has mental illnesses, but I can't sacrifice my health and help someone who doesn't want me around and that thinks I am the reason for her unhappiness.
I have to quietly get my ducks in a row, I have oil royalties to protect and should get some legal advice. Since I have been the homemaker for the last seven yrs. I have taken care of our special needs daughter. SND20 will live with me after the D, she cannot stay by herself.
It may have been somewhat bad news from W today, however I didn't shed a tear nor am I feeling depressed! I actually feel some relief she told me so I can make plans.
My poor SND20 found out W was getting an attorney when she overheard me talking to my mom. She has been crying most of the day and yelling abt how she hates her mother. I tried to console her and told her not call or text her mom. Unfortunately she text her anyways and so W is mad at me for allowing her to text her.
W says she is moving to live with her parents. If she leaves, her job goes anywhere she goes because all see needs is Internet and her phone system. For the last seven yrs we have needed W's salary, my royalties and SND20's SSI to live on. If she does this We will be homeless because SND20 and I have $50 left after we paid the rent, so there is no way we can pay next months rent. My oil royalty check went into W's bank acct because the company takes up to 8 weeks to change accts.
My D25 just moved back home because her lawyer man dumped her for another attorney, she is still very depressed and has not found a job yet.
I am taking all the pictures I have framed to my friends store tomorrow. He has a dry cleaning place but has wall space to hang pictures and room for some on easels. I don't know how they will sell, but hopefully okay because his clients are in the upperclass.
Jbird it sounds like you and your girls could use some IC. A safe place to be able to talk about your feelings and learn how to deal with your with in a new healthier way.
Your wife has to decide whether or not she wants to get help. You can't change or control her. You can only lead by example by working on you.
Thanks Karma for stopping by my yhread, I appreciate your advice and encouragement.
Today SND20 and I loaded up my car with prints I had framed and matted prints to take to my friends dry cleaning store. I don't know if anyone has ever sold framed prints out of this kind of store, but he has a booming business in downtown Houston and the income demographics are correct. We will get another batch ready to take down next week.
I met a gentlemen there that had traveled to Sweden several times, I am mostly Nowegian and he was Swedish, so we talked about lutefisk, Aquavit and other cuisines from our cultures. I can honestly say during that conversation I did not think of W once and that is an achievement for me!
I received several calls from W today I did not answer any of them, but called back twice after waiting at least an hour.
Several texts were also sent, a picture of her working. Two texts she wondered where I was, one saying she wasn't moving to MT for awhile I'm not trying to hurt you at all, one saying If I was at S22 house tell him hi and I love him and I forget the others. (S22 is still avoiding her also)
Karma, I will get SND some IC because she has Medicaid, but I will have to read self help books until I can afford the IC for myself. I have had IC almost every time there has been marriage problems and the last one basically taught the GAL method and I know that is what works.
I am struggling with the infidelity issues. I started using a testosterone replacement a few months ago and I thought W was happy with our SL. She wanted to ML multiple times a day sometimes, right up until she got a skin rash that covered her body. Then after I said she would have cut back on her therapy which cost her 150 a week, she hasn't touched me since. It makes me feel inadequate as a man especially since I started having some issues before finding out I needed testosterone replacement. I went from supposedly the best husband to the worst in a matter of days. I haven't touched another women in almost 30 yrs. I hope someday I can a least be confident enough to think someone would want a relationship with me.
I spent about 3 hours with D25 today, she chose the color of matting and I cut the matts and mounted the pictures. It brought back memories of my kids helping at my store. We listened to The Artic Monkeys and some spoken word poetry that she likes. It was great bonding time.
S22 and I talked for an hour on his commute home from work. We made arrangements to get together on Monday.
SND20 and I will go to The Department of Assistive and Rehabilitation next week to get her help for job training. Bless her heart she wants to go to college, but with an IQ of 67 that will be virtually impossible. It is progress though that she is willing to obtain help from DARS.
I did some searching on Texas divorce law, it looks like the royalties I inherited from my father are safe. Also since I have been the homemaker/butler for the last 7 yrs I may be able to get some support if the D happens. SND20 needs supervision 24-7 and she will live with me.
I'm not saying I'm going to throw in the towel, but I am starting to feel I might be better off without W. Everytime questions of why this happened, I need to refocus. When the worries about me being not good enough in bed with her creep up I need to remember what W's C told her. "You didn't send the vibrator video to the OM because of your husband, it wouldn't matter who your husband was, you never learned how to set boundaries with men because of the sexual trauma you endured!"
Glad to hear you are starting to think of yourself JBird.
I was reading a post in the MLC forum advising writing down all the things you don't or won't miss about your ex. It can be enlightening
Karma thanks for the encouragement. Also making a list of things I won't miss about W is great advice.
I'll do it right now!
Things I won't miss about W.
Being cheated on or worrying about it.
Wondering if her OMen were better than me.
Listening to her complain about her coworkers or boss.
Her mood swings from happy to mad at the big dog in the house(me).
Her buying habits, buying on impulse with no thought or purpose.
Worrying about he relapsing on painkillers.
Wondering when the next BD is coming.
Waiting on her hand and foot without appreciation.
Her embellishing the truth and lying.
Trying to keep her away from people that will supply her pills.
Trying to understand her mental illnesses, what is real and what is faked.
Listening to her complain that her mother likes her brother and sister more than her.
(Since this last BD and W paying 2k for rapist brother's A, mom and daughter are close)
Trying to smooth out her arguments with the kids,
Walking on eggshells to please her, she can have friends I can't, she can send vibrator video to OM but she got mad at me when my first gf ( we were 14 yrs old we never even kissed) called me when my father died.
Wondering what prisioners she will sexted with!
Okay that's enough of what I wouldn't miss.
I will miss these things but not forever!
Our dates were fun, long talks, flirtatious and exciting.
When I felt she really loved me.
The happy days of our R and ML.
Okay I'm struggling to come up with things I will miss.
I have spent way too much time trying to fix her and I realize that now!
Still heartbroken, still got a lump in my throat but my brain is starting to function again.
Trying hard to stay strong tonight! Even though I accomplished a fair amount of work today and I spent a good couple hrs with D25, Valentine's is hitting me hard.
I plan to stay busy this week getting more product ready to put in my friends store. I want to be out of the house as much as I can when W comes back from her trip. I wish I had a place to go stay overnight w/out W knowing where I'm at. If I go somewhere and leave SND20 with her mom for the night, SND20 will freak out, if she goes with me W will hear everything we did, so no mystery involved.
Again this morning I missed calls from W and called back an hour or so later. Since January she took over paying bills so she can get used to doing it before the D is final. Already credit card companies are calling for their payments, first time this has happened since we got remarried. Anyway, when I called back she was trying to pay about 3 or 4 past due accts., (I showed how to go online and pay each account in January, gave her websites, phone #s and due dates) she was in a panic because she didn't know how to pay them because she left her notebook at work. She has Wifi at the hotel and a smart phone, so I walked her through it again.
In the afternoon I just answered her call when it came in. I don't think there was a specific reason she called. She talked for 20 minutes about trip. Her and another lady went to Dave & Busters and had a couple shots of tequila so she has a headache. Another day she went to an outlet mall and bought a new purses and wallet.
No D or R talk with me, but she had a talk with S22 today. D25 told me that they talked about the D and her moving out of state. S22 told her it won't matter where she moves or what man she finds it won't make her life happy. He told her she has an addiction problem and is too impulsive to manage her finances on her own. He also told her that all of her children love her but they are upset with her actions and reiterated that it is not his dad alienating them against her.
On another note, I read chapter 18 in Phil Jackson's "Eleven Rings", the chapter was about anger. It was the first time I picked up his book and I went directly to this chapter skipping the first 17. The quote by Budha at the beginning was something like this; "If you pick up hot coals to throw at someone, you are the one that gets burned." How true! Phil Jackson is a very composed man, I thought what anger problem could he have. I learned that what caused me to throw the hot coals is, I had suppress my anger for too long without dealing with it properly. I'm going to read it again to get a better grasp of how dealt with his anger.
This is a time in your own life to grow and become the man you were meant to be. It is a gift....keep up,the growth
It sounds like you are doing well. You are a good man, your kids see that. Good luck in whatever happens
Karma, thank you for your encouragement again, it brightens my day to hear from you.
Staytog, thank you for the nice compliment! It feels good to get a pat on the back !
Today I cried in front of D25, she understands because her X cheated on her and is marrying the OW. During the break down she revealed that she read love letters written by W to a man in prison. I looked him up and found he is in prison for assault and various chargess in Mt. He also has over 20 court cases from various arrests in Idaho, several domestic violence charges, attempted strangulation, drug dealing and an array of other charges. I looked at our call log and W has called a 800# to add money to his calling card! Love letters talk about seeing him be a daddy to his kids when he gets out and she will send his kids birthday presents for him while he is in there. According to D25 he had already called her a "crazy B" and she forgives him!
I actually am feeling better about myself after I found this out. It is one thing finding an OM that has something going for him, instead choosing one that will surely beat you up as he has his other women. Man this has confirmed she is "bat chit" crazy!
Live and learn!
I'm no longer DBing to save my M! W is D ing me for a hardened criminal and women beater. He is incarcerated as we speak. At my worst I am better than his best.
She has not seen him since 89, they were never in a R and she just connected with him on FB in December and she is in love with him.
She would leave her kids in Tx to be with him in Mt, that is messed up.
I will DB to improve myself and help others. I'm done w/W but I'm not saying a word to her about what I know thanks to the DB site.
I read Phil Jackson's chapter 18 "The Wisdom of Anger" again last night, I'm not suppressing my anger and doing nothing. Instead I'm channeling my anger to work on my R skills and protect my royalties!
W is messed up because her brother raped her for abt 4 yrs, her dad drank and beat her mother! Then opiates have destroyed what is left of her brain. Opiates have done their damage and no amount of DB ing can fix that.
Jbird. Your wife sounds like she is mentally unwell. It is better for you and your daughters to be away from her. Often when someone has so many issues the more empathetic partner becomes the "fixer". This can create a codependent relationship. Not healthy for either
. Have you read Codepedent no more? I think if you focus on healing yourself that you will begin to see all of your W's issues threw a new lens.
Wonka posted a post on boundaries. Have a look at it when you get a chance.
Remember that no matter what you will be ok. You have lots of support here if you need it. Keep GAL. You deserve more than what you have been accepting.
Karma,
With help from you and other DBers I have realized that I have a codependency problem. I must tackle anger and codependency as my two major issues. I have not read the book, so I will order it ASAP.
Have tried to fix W who has some pretty serious mental health issues and is a recovering? opiate addict, who relapses fairly often. I'm realizing this is impossible and unhealthy for me.
With the last week I learned that I can never control my anger by suppressing it. Instead when I'm am angered I must learn to channel it appropriately.
As always thank you for your help.
No contact from W today! This is the first day since we got back together after the first D that we have not talked at all. It's really a weird feeling.
I am resisting the the urge to tell someone about W writing love letters to the thug. D25 told me today that she is worried about her mother getting herself killed by this thug. She said maybe we should tell her best friend H. H has a good understanding of W's mental illnesses and addiction as well as the history of W's sexual abuse by her brother. H is not friendly with W's family.
W is planning to hook up with Mr Thug when he gets out of prison. He has multiple domestic violence charges, assault with a deadly weapon, attempted strangulation and an array of others.
My D25 found the letters by accident revealing her moms plans.
Should D25 or I tell H about this? W usually listens to H's advice.
I understand your concern Jbird but that would be caretaking.
I would also discourage your daughter from becoming a caretaker to her Mother.
Look into a NA support group for families of addicts. It will help stop this cycle.
Wow, sorry to hear about this. I second the recommendation of CoDependent No More, excellent book
Karma and Staytog,
Thank you again for giving me support and advice.
Today W called D25 to ask her to move to Mt where OM stays in prison. W thinks no one knows about her and the OM. She told D25 the cost of living is too high in Houston and wants D25 to go with so she don't feel like she is abandonning her. What about S22 and Special Needs D20? D25 told her no!
It's going to tear the heart right out of SND20! All for a wonderful alchoholic who beats women, and threatens the lives of police officers and their families.
Now my phone is blowing up with text messages, W is at the NBA game in Dallas tonight with her employer. W and I are big basketball fans so she is having a blast. Also called about the arena and the players before the game started. She got to see the owner too!
I'm trying to stay busy, but I hate this!
-
Jbird, you must stop making your life and your posts about your wife's latest antics or what her plans are or the man you think she's interested in.
The OM is NOT relevant to your life. He's beneath your noticing.
Just focus on YOUR LIFE and your kids. The rest speaks for itself.
How are your GAL plans going? Yeah, get back on track now. Back to DB 101.
GAL, Detaching and any of the 180s you chose to work on.
Below, I crossed out the parts of your posts that you must Stop allowing inside.
Really, these things do NOT matter to your life.
Today W called D25 to ask her to move to Mt where OM stays in prison. W thinks no one knows about her and the OM. She told D25 the cost of living is too high in Houston and wants D25 to go with so she don't feel like she is abandonning her. What about S22 and Special Needs D20? D25 told her no!
It's going to tear the heart right out of SND20! All for a wonderful alchoholic who beats women, and threatens the lives of police officers and their families.
Now my phone is blowing up with text messages, W is at the NBA game in Dallas tonight with her employer. W and I are big basketball fans so she is having a blast. Also called about the arena and the players before the game started. She got to see the owner too!
I'm trying to stay busy, but I hate this!
Jbird, change your focus now
or surrender to the insanity your wife's issues create for you.
YOU HAVE A CHOICE HERE^^^
Stay stuck, OR Change and Move On...you have gotten a lot of great advice here. Read it again and again til it sinks in and
til you start making the changes only you can make in your life.
25 yrs happy to see you adding your wisdom as always.
25ys thank you, I need to focus on myself and my kids, especially my special needs daughter.
Karma thank you for your continued support.
I'm planning a trip to ND to see my mom and siblings. Hopefully I can have the funds to go in March. I will take SND20 with.
Should I do any cooking for W? In the beginning days when I first started posting again I gathered from you I should.
Another GAL activities is to go exercise with SND20, walks in the park, around the mall or even just the neighborhood.
Join a codependcy group.
Get SND20 registered with DARS for training for a job.
I'm scared but I want to learn how to dance. So after the ND trip get some dance lessons.
Continue to work on preparing product to put in my friends store.
Start painting again and sell some of my artwork.
Jbird
if you really read my list of GAL activities that I did in Alaska, where I knew no one at first, I HOPE you realized I was also afraid.
But the alternative to GAL is far worse. When you "get that" then it becomes clear that the only way out of this is THRU it.
Yes it takes courage to change. I know that.
But I have a feeling that fears have kept you stuck in unrewarding behaviors for too long already.
The thing I would fear most if I were you, is more of the same.
Make the needed changes, asap. Forget about what your w needs b/c SHE thinks that is what she is pursuing so, you can wish her the best but again, put the focus back ON Your kids and yourself. IF you are cooking and she happens to be there, fine, she can eat. I would not refuse to make food for her IF I were cooking anyhow, but to go out of your way for her at this point, is probably going to look weak. She is leaving you for another man and she has cheated on you before.
Do you really want to make her a fine meal to celebrate that?
Do NOTHING in anger. But be busy. Valentines is coming up soon. GO OUT and do something fun! Be busy and preoccupied and do NOT spend your energy wondering about her.
Your SND is just one of your kids, and I know she'll always need you in ways your others won't, but they still do as well.
Every kid needs a "Rock" parent, a stable force in their lives whom they know will always be there for them. That's you.
But they also need to see you creating a happier life for yourself b/c YOU are their model. Teach them how to be happy people, by becoming one yourself.
Your broken hearted daughter cannot let someone else (like the man who left her for OW) determine if SHE can be happy; SHE Decides that. You must reinforce this for her, by demonstrating that.
It's a HUGE life lesson for all. Good luck!
25yrs you are amazing, this last post is exactly what I needed. I really back tracked on DBing in the last week.
Also thanks for clarifying the cooking of meals and such.
Jbird
I would agree with what 25yrs said. Before I moved out I still shopped and if I cooked a meal I made enough for all of us. I did not go out of my way to do things for my ex as I had before. It was more a matter of we are eating there is more there if you want some.
I think once you start learning more about codependent behavior you will become more enlightened.
Keep the GAL list going.....life does not have to be this hard. Make time for fun!
Listen to 25, what she is saying is spot on. Do not bother yourself at all with OM. He is beneath you and not worth it.
Took me too long to realize the exact things 25 is telling you. You can do it though because it is in you. Let it out. Be that person that you know you can be.
Keep at it.
I would agree with what 25yrs said. Before I moved out I still shopped and if I cooked a meal I made enough for all of us. I did not go out of my way to do things for my ex as I had before. It was more a matter of we are eating there is more there if you want some.
I think once you start learning more about codependent behavior you will become more enlightened.
Keep the GAL list going.....life does not have to be this hard. Make time for fun!
Whats the difference between codependant and helping each other out?
My wife has a SNS 25 from first marriage. She used to see him all the time, he is in a house 20 minutes from our home. Since she moved I bet she hasn't seen him 4 time. It is like I don't even know her anymore. She was a wonderful mom, now she has decided only her needs matter. She has said to me, "I know that seems selfish" when I pointed out how leaving hurt the kids. That was before I read DB..
People in crisis do not behave rationally. Do not true to apply logic to your wife's actions. If she ever comes out of hee crisis as a better person, it will be her challenge to fix the mess tat SHE made. No skin off your back.
Be there for the kids. They need to see they still have one sane parent for now. You will model to them how to deal with marital issues with grace and class.
That's very true....you can't make sense out of non sense
Go to the MLC forum and read the new thread by Job and Cadet on detachment. They are vets and the info they posted is worth printing and keeping
Karma, SM34 and Staytog,
Thank you all for chiming in on my thread. I appreciate your advice and sharing your experiences with me.
Karma, I think I was reading your posts on detachment when you posted the recommendation for me to read them. They cleared up some confusion I had about detachment. Your timing was perfect!
Jbird
Tough day... Just because it is Valentine's day. I miss her so much. Have to hang tough. I did text her today and told her "I know how hard you've worked to get where you are (she has worked incredibly hard) today. I admire and respect you for it. I wish you the best and hope all your seatings are sold out! I hope you are having a great day. (I know she is working her ass off today) Happy Valentine's Day"
Staytog,
Stay strong my friend, I know it's a tough day.
I had GAL plans to go out, but SND20 threw a fit. I had to stay home because she didn't want to be alone with her mom. W broke SND20's heart today when she told her she was moving to MT. SND20 said "if you go, you don't love me!" She cried for the next hour.
I reread the detachment posts that Karma made yesterday, they helped me keep my mouth shut! I understand it makes no sense and if she can leave her SNd20 for rendezvous in MT there is nothing I can do.
After dinner I'll take SND20 for a walk.
jbird
I can't even believe your W would do that. Insanity
Good for you Jbird.....you all deserve so much better
I'm going to get a 2 x 4 from you all today. I maybe to honest for for this world, but here goes another truth. My GAL plans fell through, SND20 was extremely upset with her mother and STBX pushed a lot of buttons today.
STBX had to remind SND20 she was moving to MT in April and then asked her to move with her the minute she got home from Dallas. After SND20 got so upset about her mother abandoning her, I confronted STBX about her plans to meet up with the convict when he gets out of prison, I told her I knew about the letters and their plans, I knew she put money on his calling account and I pulled up his court records. I said "I'm showing you this for your wellbeing, he has a dozen felonies, most are beating his ex wife, theft, drugs etc! Now that I've told you, you are not naive to the kind of man he is, so if you're still interested in him, you can have each other."
I know this is not good DBing in most cases, but I feel better that if she didn't know, now she does. I feel stronger for standing up to her about what she is doing to SND20. I hope it lasts, I feel more detached now than I have been! I told her, if you want to go, then go. She can move tonight I don't want to be around her in this insane state of mind!
I don't even care it was Valentines Day, I would rather be alone than deal with anymore crazy! BTW, SND20 turned her down with an imfatic "NO Way am I moving with you!"
Jbird
I think that it is your job to protect your girls and their mother is making dangerous unhealthy choices. It is best for all of you to stay away from her right now.
I think you should tell her also, but I am new here. I mean, maybe she doesn't know, and you would feel horrible if she got hurt.
Staytog,
I did show her his court records. The reason I showed her was for her wellbeing and to make sure I wouldn't feel guilty if something does happen. Now my conscience is clear.
She got real defensive, but so what. Then took me off her facebook, who cares, not me!
It is very hard to detach when living in the same house with STXW and SND20. I don't have the freedom to just leave anytime I feel like. I will do more GAL when SND20 is spending time with her friends.
I wouldn't trade my daughter for any relationship in the future. We come as a package deal, so my next R maybe a longtime coming. Right now if someone was knocking down my door I wouldn't be interested.
Jbird
Staytog,
I did show her his court records. The reason I showed her was for her wellbeing and to make sure I wouldn't feel guilty if something does happen. Now my conscience is clear.
You didn't mention that your unspoken goal was to get your w to change her mind. But even without this particular OM, how could you possibly get back together with the other factors?
So while I guess you are saying that now your "conscience is clear", (as if you had any responsibility for her choices. And please check this behavior b/c I see elements of control, and major league codependence in you here), I sure hope you can finally let go of any more talk about OM.
Seriously, drop the rope.
She got real defensive, but so what. Then took me off her facebook, who cares, not me!
It is very hard to detach when living in the same house with STXW and SND20.
How many times are you going to tell yourself ^^this? No one here had it easy.
If your w had left you all completely, you'd say she "abandoned" the kids, and now that she plans on leaving for Montana, my guess is you'll also find that "really hard", as if it was easy for anyone here.
My kids were a lot younger than yours, and my h would drop by and stay in the home every few weeks or months....without notice, and I had no control over when he'd do that.
Yes it was hard. But if you do not change your approach you will face MORE difficulty.
IF I WERE YOU, I"D fear the alternative to GAL, A LOT MORE....the alternative is More of the same. When you attach your well being to your wife's behavior, you surrender control over your life and happiness to a sick person. And it's not a healthy choice on Your end, either.
I don't have the freedom to just leave anytime I feel like. I will do more GAL when SND20 is spending time with her friends.
So what are YOU doing to make that^^ happen?
I wouldn't trade my daughter for any relationship in the future. We come as a package deal, so my next R maybe a longtime coming. Right now if someone was knocking down my door I wouldn't be interested.
Jbird
That is good to hear, especially b/c you are nowhere near ready for a relationship with another woman.
You need to pretty much drop the rope now. Not sure how many ways to say this but you must GAL, detach, heal and move on.
Jbird, you thank people for their advice here. You say that it "really helps", often.
I don't mean to sound harsh but you need a bit of a 2 x 4. So here is my question,
Do you take any of the advice? You really must.
This program only works, when you work this program. Take some advice, start doing what has been suggested numerous times. Your life will improve.
Some questions I have:
Since my STBX has mental illness issues, I should cook for her and fix her car, correct?
When she is involved with OM who has 32 court cases in 15 yrs, of which he was found guilty of at least a dozen felonies. So I shouldn't warn her?
Yesterday she needed help rehooking up her computers for her travel agent job, she works from her home office. She had no clue, so I helped her. Was I right to help her or wrong?
To me all are being codependent. I know I can't control her, this is all her choice, but she is very very naive about a lot of things. For an example two years ago she thought the sun and the moon were the same thing. She saw a facebook post about the highway by Mt Rushmore being closed, because they were bringing a large lump of coal to put on the mountain and carve Obama's face. She thought it was true.
I am working on a trip to ND to see family and to help me cut the rope.
Jbird
Some questions I have:
Since my STBX has mental illness issues, I should cook for her and fix her car, correct?
Your stbx is not getting help for her issues, correct? She is leaving the marriage, correct? She's leaving the area soon, (or plans to), correct? Keep those realities in mind.
If fixing her car or cooking her meals, (meals were already discussed & you seemed clear on this issue), are convenient for you to do, and NOT costly in time or effort or money, then it is acceptable I suppose.
But you cannot divert any resources her way b/c you say you are broke and you have a SND to care for.
Where do YOU think your energy and resources ought to be spent?
When she is involved with OM who has 32 court cases in 15 yrs, of which he was found guilty of at least a dozen felonies. So I shouldn't warn her?
Wow, this is ^^ crazy of you to know.
First, You assume she did not know, (she may have known and pretended not to) AND second, you snooped about OM, which is not your responsibility and which is a waste of time on your end. There are reasons that DB books say Not to snoop...
Has what you told her, made any difference?
None of this^^ is your responsibility. NONE OF IT. It's your responsibility to plan on caring for your SND and yourself. What are you doing in that arena?
I thought you were really worried about financial survival and needed to find more income to support you & your daughter. I thought that was where you wanted to focus, not on your stbxw....
I really hope you'll prioritize things more, b/c far too much of your life and focus and mental and emotional energy is spent on what your wife is or will be doing.
That's no way to live. She cannot be the center of your universe.
Yesterday she needed help rehooking up her computers for her travel agent job, she works from her home office. She had no clue, so I helped her. Was I right to help her or wrong?
Does it matter?
I mean, as I and others have said, if it's not a diversion of resources for you, do as you wish. Never be cruel or rude. But make sure you Do not pursue or have expectations/hopes. My hunch is that you harbor hopes your wife will feel grateful and want to stay with you, b/c you feed her or repair things.
I'm glad you see the co-dependence piece of it, b/c it sure seems as if you think being needed by her, means you are highly valued by her.
I don't believe your wife thinks you are filling her needs, at least not in a way that she values highly. Sorry, I know that hurts. But it's how it looks to me.
To me all are being codependent. I know I can't control her, this is all her choice, but she is very very naive about a lot of things.
Why does that make any difference? Isn't what you are really doing, is trying to exert some control/influence over her, WHILE pretending to realize you have none?
Try to recognize that your actions speak much louder than your words. See thru your own "stories" so you can learn to change.
For an example two years ago she thought the sun and the moon were the same thing.
That is not naiveté on her part, that is ignorance.
I am not trying to insult her, but it's important to accurately describe a behavior.
Naivete is being too trustworthy, too unsophisticated, not "worldly" enough to know when someone is a con artist. Dating a prisoner can be very naive.
But not knowing the difference between the sun and moon, is not naive.
Not that it matters, but are you sure you understood her? It's hard for me to believe, really. I say that b/c you have never before intimated that she's this uninformed. You said she had PTSD and an opiate addiction, (which may be related to each other, but are not related to IQ or worldliness).
And she earns a decent income, correct?
She saw a facebook post about the highway by Mt Rushmore being closed, because they were bringing a large lump of coal to put on the mountain and carve Obama's face. She thought it was true.
I am working on a trip to ND to see family and to help me cut the rope.
Jbird
Can you explain ^^^ this? I don't see the connection between a trip and dropping the rope. Btw, How far away are you?
And, again, what are your 180s and GAL? Seriously, what are they?
Have you noticed that you are still making your posts about HER?
When do you think that should stop? Can you try to post about your life and your kids and ideas, etc, for a week, without mentioning your wife?
Maybe take it a day at a time. But begin now, b/c imo, it's a huge part of your co-dependence.
And hang in there! Things will get better.
The trip to ND is about 1500 miles. I had planned the trip way before the BD, because I have some new wells coming online. The purpose of the trip is to see my mom and siblings which I haven't seen in three years. Mom has a very bad heart so it's important to me to still go. It will be easier to go as soon as I get my royalty money from the new wells than later after I start working.
I will be taking SND20 with me to see her grandma and relatives. She is mentally disabled, so she is an adult in age only, When I come back to Tx I will have to set up care for her while I'm working.
The trip will help me drop the rope, I think, because I will have family and friends to do things with and it will get me away from having to decide daily what to do or not do for STBX. I may even work some for my BIL when I'm there because he is a home builder and needs extra help.
For income I have framed some prints and put in my friends store. This month I have made a little under $400, not much but more than I had if I didn't put the product in the store. When I had my art gallery and custom frame shop I did 75 % of my business in December. So my hope is to put as much product in his store to be ready for December.
I will have my resumes sent out before my trip so I can job hunt hard when I get back. Although the royalties will not be what they could have been, because of oil prices crashing, they will be more than last yr because of the addition of the new wells.
I have not been served with D papers yet, but I'm sure STBX will take her SUV and the payments of $257 every two weeks. I will cut the cable bill in half or maybe even cut it out. She will take her jewelry that she has on credit along with the $155 payment and her dentist work that is on credit for $80/month. That amounts to almost $900 in bills per month. Before I bought the art gallery in 2k I was a retail store manager, so if I can land even an assistant mgr job I can replace STBX's income and have reduced expenses.
My posts may come across as being weak, but I am listening to what advice I am getting and trying to implement the advice. I know I did some things wrong but I am pretty sure I have shed my last year over this S. I don't feel sorry for myself anymore and I feel I will be free of a lot of drama when this is over.
Jbird
I shed a lot of tears the other day, but it was because I was writing a tribute for my father. It was the 15th anniversary of the last time I seen him alive.
Writing the tribute also made me ask myself what my father would do in my situation. He would have road of into the sunset. He would not have cried, begged or pleaded. He would have not said a negative word. I remembered him telling me when my first girlfriend broke up with me, you can't control what another person is going to do. He was a wise old cowboy!
Spent quality time with SND20 today, we went to a thrift store she likes and walked around for an hour. I am blessed to have her!
Vanilla made a post on Mozza's thread about detachment and it turned a light bulb on in my head. Thank you V!
Jbird
Today is attorney day for STBX. Sometimes I feel relief then moments later my hands are shaking. I know that I will be okay without her and most likely better off.
SND20 and I are going to start getting ready today for the trip to ND to see my mom. i am planning to stay there until STBX moves to MT in April. I have a lot of old friends and family to visit. Two of my brothers workout at the gym so I will join them when they go.
Jb
Activity really helps.
This is a really hard day as W may get a wake up or appeasement.
You have a loving strong family behind you and by your side, let it be and please post to us.
Sending strength to you
Peace
V
V,
Thank you for sending me strength. It feels good to have support!
Even though the D was filed today, I have no tears. Still a little shaky, but I have a busy weekend with my SND20 so tomorrow will be a better day.
Jbird
Rest your spirit and give yourself breathing space.
Realise that you are free to create your own destiny in your own direction.
This choice is now yours.
Gentleness
V
Jbird,
You are doing so much better. Keep up the great efforts. We have to be a friend to ourselves first.
V,
Thank you for your inspiring words, I needed them!
Karma,
Thank you for the compliment! I am feeling much better.
Today I took SND20 to a birthday party at 10am and looked for some winter clothes for our trip to the land of snow and ice (North Dakota). I didn't have much luck finding winter clothes at the stores I went to. When I picked her up at 1pm we went out to eat. Then we went back to the thrift store and found her a nice winter coat, some sweaters and long sleeve shirts. We laughed about being the only two people hunting for winter clothes in Houston. The temp was 75 here today. Yesterday or the day before the windchill was - 29 where my mom lives.
Tonight we have been packing our suitcases. She is excited to see her grandma, uncles, aunts and meet a cousin for the first time.
Jbird
Good clothes and a thrift shop, prices can not say better.
Have a wonderful trip.
V
Yes V, they have some clothes that still have the retail tags on them and many that have the dry cleaning tags on them that look new. Winter clothes and two suitcases for less than $70.
Last night our bus was canceled because of freezing rain in the Dallas/Fort Worth area. We are waiting for the weather to change, so we can reschedule. SND20 handled the cancelation very well and we even had a little fun. Three passengers approached me to ask questions. One man wanted to know the address of the bus station, another wanted to know the zip code and finally a young man in his mid twenties asked an unusual question. He said, "hey man do you know what town we are in?" I was grinning from ear to ear when I said, "we are in Houston."
I can say that, that is the first time anyone asked what town we are in while living in Houston! Maybe there was more than Redbull in the can he was drinking out of? The bus station is smack dab in the middle of Houston. SND20, STBX and I laughed about it until our bellies hurt.
I was given some asset/liability form to fill out for the divorce. I told her I would look it over on the trip and mail it back. I don't recall doing this for the last divorce.
Well I did take some frustrations out by myself in the garage. I had hid the vibrator STBX used when made the video for an old married classmate. Well I needed something out of my briefcase yesterday and there the dang thing is. I took it to the garage and pounded it to bits and tossed in the garbage. It set me off as if I had ptsd from the flashback of her sending it to OM. I guess papers for the D and the sight of the thing was too much, but at least she is not aware of my destruction tantrum in the garage!
Round two of our bus trip experience starts tomorrow night or the filling day.
JBird
STBX took SND20 and I to the bus station. The last half of the trip I lost it. Cried like a baby in front of her! I'm not coming back to Tx until she leaves for Mt.
I thought I was more detached, but the emotions of saying goodbye for the last time was too much. I may not see her again in my lifetime, it was like a funeral!
So sorry you are hurting. It will get better....it's a process.
((((((((Jb))))))))
Only the strong can cry
Tears are the renewal of life
Tears release the hurt and pain
Tears are dew of the morning light
Tears are the expression of the hurt
In your heart
Tears are not blood
Tears make the wound drain
Tears are not shallow
Tears are the sign of the mellow
In your mind
Tears will bring laughter
Tears will bring rain
Tears ease the drought
Tears cleanse the path
In your future
V
JBIRD
We are all telling you the truth...life does get better. Embrace your loved ones, and hold your head high. Be in the present. Laugh & Love hard, and often.
You are just around the corner from a better, happier life. Have faith.
((( )))
Great poem V! Thank you!
I believe you 25 yrs!
SND20 and I are on our second day of the bus trip fiasco with one more day to go. The trip will take twice as long as planned, so we are short on sleep and also sad to see the condition of people who are riding these busses. I gave four different people food yesterday and could have helped many more. I gave to the ones that weren't feeling well because they hadn't eaten all day. One guy had only water for two days.
This put into perspective what some people buy for themselves and still are not satisfied when these people are thankful for just a bite to eat.
I made several FB posts pertaining to some of the funny things and some of the sad things that happened on the trip.
I thank God I have my SND20 with me though, because riding the bus has not been a place to GAL. Still feels like a funeral yesterday and I recevied a couple more emails with PDFs to print and sign for the divorce. This is my third divorce and I feel very embarrassed. Although two are to the same women.
I have been contacted by people from all over my home state that want to see me. I'm very excited but also nervous because only a couple know about the pending D. But the good out ways the bad and will deflect and refrain from any long conversations.
Jb
I enjoy listening to the sound of the wheels on a bus.
So soothing and calming
V
Being around my mom and brothers has helped my PMA the last two days. We have had a lot of laughs! We have plans to go to my sisters tomorrow night for dinner and watch a movie.
I broke down twice today. I tried filling out the inventory of property form for the divorce and just couldn't do it. STBX had emailed me a form to sign while we were on our 3 day bus trip, I could not open the PDF with my phone, so I used my mom's computer today.
One form was to waive my right to be served and waive my right to testimony. I have to find out about waiving the right to testimony, it's on the same form. Does anyone know what that means? I have no problem waiving my right to be served but waiving the right to testimony scares me.
When I saw the petition for divorce and she was changing her name I cried again. Why are emotions so raw now?
I found a letter in my briefcase that STBX wrote to me when she was in the psychiatric hospital in 2013. I read the first sentence and cried again. I don't even remember putting the letter in my briefcase and didn't realize what it was until I opened it and read the first sentence. It was all about how much she loved me and appreciated me.
I took a walk around the block to get out of the house and breathe some of the frigid ND air. I felt stronger emotionally after the walk. I reminded myself I cannot try to make sense out her actions, I'm a kind hearted man, I can make people laugh, I will get in better physical shape and I will get through this. Someday I will be a man the some lady will be lucky to have!
Jbird
Jb
That will be sooner than you think
V
V is right JB....it will happen faster than you think. Life has a way of moving forward whether we want it to or not.
For me as time has passed it has become less and less painful to know my ex is with someone else. I know that he will keep repeating his behaviors he had with me because he has yet to do anything to change them. I certainly do not want to go back to being lonely and neglected in a marriage.
The part I found hardest for a long time was I had no one that I thought about or was attracted to in my life. There was a big void and I felt it. I purposely avoided dating or getting involved for a long time. I did not want to jump into something new as a bandaid. I knew I had to go through the painful journey of reflection and grief in order to prepare my self to be healthy enough to attract a healthy partner.
I was just thinking last week how different it is now to realize I am no longer thinking about my ex. I am now dating someone and it now his texts I look for and I am thinking about him instead of my ex.
You will have sad days....tears are healing. As time moves forward though you will find you will have less and less sad days. You deserve a healthy partner. One that you are not constantly worrying over. Keep reading....keep posting.
Thanks V!
I talked to a phycologist for about two hours. He was an employee of mine when he was in high school and college. So he knows our past struggles and now the current situation.
He said that my STBX is bipolar 1 and is in a full blown manic episode.
The trigger that started this episode was probably the hydrocodone she started taking in Sept. when her bulldog cracked her nose. The first sign was her making the vibrator video for me then sending the same video to an old classmate in Wa. state. The spending spree of $15k in a period of about three months was also a red flag. Then spiraled out of control by finding the dangerous convict and deciding to move to MT to be with him when he gets out of jail.
He said her life coach is not qualified to deal with her and because her psychiatrist doesn't know about all of her behavior he has missed the bipolar 1 diagnoses. To manage bipolar 1 patient's there needs to be a triangle relationship between the patient, the professionals and a loved one. This relationship keeps the patient honest with the professionals. With out the three way communication the bipolar patients will leave out bad behavior and lie about how they are really doing.
He said that her initiating sex with me right up BD is typical of someone having a full blown episode.
The rash on her body was most likely an allergic reaction to the cocktail of prescribed medication and adding various painkillers.
At this point there isn't much I can do because she is too far into the episode. If I would have realized the signs of a bipolar 1 manic episode beginning maybe the triangle relationship could have been forged.
He gave me this saying to repeat as much as needed. I didn't cause this, I can't fix this and I cannot control this! I can only help. (I don't know how to help, maybe just understanding more about bipolar1 will help me not take her actions personally)
Yesterday we went to my sister's house for dinner and a movie. Then my youngest brother and I went to a pub to meet up with a friend that I have not seen in 25 yrs.it was great to catch up with him.
Today has been rough as I am having to stop myself from making contact with STBX, SND20 and I have not seen her since we left Texas last week. She has not called either of us and only a few text messages.
That is very possible. Manic depressive disorder would need to be diagnosed by a qualified physiatrist. It can be treated but takes a combination of therapy and medications. Many try and self medicate attempting to "fix" themselves.
Karma,
She sees her psychiatrist once every three months, but when she went in January she wouldn't let me go with. Therefore, he doesn't know her recent behavior. I'm sure she left out her opiate relapse, sexting the prisoner in Kansas, sending the vibrator video and the plans to hook up with the domestic violence convict in MT. Also avoided telling him about her $15k spending spree on jewelry, Victoria Secret and various other items.
My psychologist said it is worth a shot to email him about this behavior, but fears that she is to far into this episode to make a difference.
Do you think I should email him?
I spent the day with my mom, two of my brothers and SND20. Nothing exciting today but it is nice to be with my ND family.
Having a few beers last night with my brother, old classmate and another friend was fun, but today I can tell that my antidepressant was not working properly.
Tomorrow we have some errands to run around town. I need to decide if I am going to waive my right to be served and waive my right to testimony. Any advice would be appreciated.
I have not had any contact today. She called but I did not answer or return her call. D25 called today about her mother, she told D25 she is going to stay in TX for a year and wants her to move in with her. D25 told her no. Two days ago she was moving to MT to be near her "life coach".
I think that it would be ok to email her Dr. Don't make it a habit or become part of the therapy. Just let her know you are concerned because of her behaviour. Your ex. May not be being honest and if she is in a manic phase she could be endangering herself.
Jb
W appears uncontrolled. Generally you may wish to let this go, W is W responsibility and it is her psychiatrist who makes the diagnosis. A professional would already have considered the alternatives and if the psychiatrist is unprofessional contacting him/her would produce little result. Generally I am unanimous with Karma and we are in accord almost with one voice and here we differ slightly in our approach. If you make contact then probably a call that for information you and W are apart might be all that is needed. Then there is only concern without the suggestion of interference.
Medical treatment is W responsibility for W. You could mention your considerations to other family members, that you believe W behaviour is deteriorating although largely they will have noticed this for themselves.
Jb, move on with your life to a place of strength and let W behave as she will. This sounds very unkind and unloving and V believes that this is the kindest and most loving action that Jb can take.
V
Karma and V,
After careful consideration I have decided to not contact her psychiatrist. I think my psychologist is correct in his diagnoses because he is getting the truth from me, but his advice to email him would not help at this juncture.
I have been busy with family and friends since arriving in ND. I saw my cousin and two of her grand babies today. This evening I made Indian Butter Chicken for my mom, SND20 and two brothers. We also had naan and samosas.
I have made plans to meet up with four of my old high school friends, I'm just waiting for them to set a date. Since I'm on vacation I'm letting them pick the dates.
STBX called tonight to get help with signing up for quick pay with her bank account and to decide who is paying what bills this month. I could hardly get her off the phone. I said have a goodnight and I'll talk to you later three times before she said goodbye, she just kept telling me what has been happening.
Jbird
Jb
Sensible decision on your part, let her immediate family track the health of STBX.
Sounds like STBX is looping her thoughts, you are correct to use broken record as a technique in this. Minimising contact will ease your burdens. STBX is also stringing to you and will have to face the consequences of her decisions asap for your sanity and wellbeing. Brave Jb: you need your space and time to heal.
Consider training STBX to use texts, so that when she rings say 'please text me, gotta go now, bye'or let it go to answerphone then text 'missed your call, please text your request'. And respond to texts not calls. Start by minimising responses and gradually add delay to the texts. A little like a weaning process. In the last instance for example, 'your banks helpline tel no 12345 can help you with quick pay, suggest you ring them'. We have to do this with demanding clients who will not pay the bills but want a lot of extra service.
Great GAL plans Jb.
V
Thanks V!
Tomorrow I have an eye appointment in the morning and Monday I have a dr appt.. I need to get my meds adjusted and get blood work done for PSA, testosterone and cholesterol.
Yesterday I stopped at a grocery store before I went to the post office to overnight paperwork to her attorney. I started crying down the soap aisle, I walked around looking away from people until I gained my composure. I can't believe a grown man can be so emotional over STBX changing her name!
Visiting with my ND family has helped, but now that I've been here a week my PMA is sliding. Some GAL plans have been postponed until a later date, because of my friends jobs. I need to join the gym where my brothers work to improve my PMA.
My IC knows STBX and me personally and he says she is in a manic episode. Yesterday she text me that she thinks she is having the same kind of episode she did in 2004. She is considering getting a different psychiatrist to retest her. I pray she does, my IC has convinced me nobody in their right mind would do what she is doing.
Jbird
Jbird
I SURE am looking forward to hearing Nothing about your stbx and lots more about you & your family...
(that's a "reminder" for you to STAY FOCUSSED on you, and only you b/c all this other stuff is
still YOU trying to control a truly UNControllable woman...
which is such a waste of your energy & short life.Karma,
She sees her psychiatrist once every three months, but when she went in January she wouldn't let me go with.
I'd be shocked if she had let you. If I were seeing a psych, I'd never want my h there. Yikes...that would hinder my progress b/c I'd be inhibited and would Not share things with my doctor
plus I'd worry about my h judging me,
or trying to manipulate me.
Let's see if there are any assumptions or mind reading in the post BELOW...
Therefore, he doesn't know her recent behavior. I'm sure she left out her opiate relapse, sexting the prisoner in Kansas, sending the vibrator video and the plans to hook up with the domestic violence convict in MT. Also avoided telling him about her $15k spending spree on jewelry, Victoria Secret and various other items.
ALL of this ^^ is total speculation on YOUR part....AND it does you NO GOOD even if you are correct! What changes for you? Nothing! This is the same thing you did last month
asking us if you should tell your stbxw about the OM who may be in her life. IT's YOU pretending to have a need to interfere or "save/fix/rescue HER
when your own life needs plenty of attention itself....
What do you think you are avoiding in your own life, by constantly veering back to hers?
My psychologist said it is worth a shot to email him about this behavior, but fears that she is to far into this episode to make a difference.
Do you think I should email him?
No I don't. You are doing all this b/c you are trying to CHANGE HER PATH and it won't change a thing. Let me repeat that for emphasis.
You emailing her doctor will NOT change her path.
Even if everything you believe is happening, IS truly happening, she will NOT listen to you and she'll just change doctors if she wants to.
But it's NOT relevant. It's NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
I spent the day with my mom, two of my brothers and SND20. Nothing exciting today but it is nice to be with my ND family.
Having a few beers last night with my brother, old classmate and another friend was fun, but today I can tell that my antidepressant was not working properly.
Tomorrow we have some errands to run around town. I need to decide if I am going to waive my right to be served and waive my right to testimony. Any advice would be appreciated.
Thought this was asked & answered before,but maybe I confused you with someone else.
Okay so, Waiving service just means you don't need to be "officially" served divorce papers notifying you that your spouse is filing for divorce. In other words, you are admitting that you know it's going on and that you do not need the "official" serving of divorce papers by someone.
IF you do not waive it, then in effect you are insisting on being served divorce papers.
Usually that means some guy comes to your work place, or your home, (often there are other people at work or your home, & they will see you get the papers), and
this is done to give "proof of service", which means they can prove they delivered the Div documents to you. Most people do waive right of service.
(If someone did not get served AND did Not waive the right to be served, that could mean the h or w filed divorce papers without ever telling their spouse, which does happen now and then.) But most couples know a divorce is coming.
Waiving testimony is NOT the same. That is something you need to address with a lawyer licensed in your state. I THNK that it means you are NOT Contesting any of her claims in the divorce filing. That it's totally uncontested.
I don't know what your assets are. But you have some. AND you have a SN Daughter, so I'd be very leery of agreeing to what your w writes in the filing, which is what I think she's asking of you.
Call a Div lawyer in your home state, before you agree to that or anything else.
Make sense?
I have not had any contact today. She called but I did not answer or return her call. D25 called today about her mother, she told D25 she is going to stay in TX for a year and wants her to move in with her. D25 told her no. Two days ago she was moving to MT to be near her "life coach".
Disengage from your wife's activities and plans and comments...
Consider for a MINUTE, all the worrying and anxiety you have had for things that won't even happen
and or that you have no control over.
Remember all the stress about "What to tell stbxw about OM? He has a criminal record and I'm SURE she doesn't know!!? What do I DO???"
And maybe now she's not even going there...
and you were SO SAD when you said "W wants to take SN D to Montana!!"
Oops, she may not move there at all....so it's another NON problem you were so upset about.
Jbird, you must learn from this^^^^^..
When you operate in fear, you are NOT operating in faith.
And that ^^^ is no way to live.
YOU MUST CHOOSE A NEW PATH FOR YOURSELF. Today.
Then you really will start to turn a corner into better things for your life.
((( )))
She sees her psychiatrist once every three months, but when she went in January she wouldn't let me go with.
I'd be shocked if she had let you. If I were seeing a psych, I'd never want my h there. Yikes...that would hinder my progress b/c I'd be inhibited and would Not share things with my doctor
plus I'd worry about my h judging me, [color:#000000]
or trying to manipulate me.
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I have went to all doctors appts., dentist and psychiatristic appointments for the last seven yrs. She wanted me there to prevent her from obtaining prescriptions for opiates from the dentist or doctor. She wanted me with her for all of her pyschiatrist appts. to have support and also to explain how I felt she was doing. With severe PTSD and Depression I had to help with communicating to the Dr. If she wanted a private conversation with the Dr. I certainly did not have a problem. A "triangle" relationship with the patient, family member and Dr. are much needed is some cases. It is not done to manipulate the patient or hinder their progress, instead it is done to keep them honest with the Dr. and give them the best care possible.
Monday I am asking the Dr. to adjust my depression med. up a little bit.(My psychologist suggested an adjustment) Most of the time I'm not emotional, but it hits me "out of the blue".
Also going to join the gym where my brother works out this week.
My Dr added Abilify to help boost my depression med., sure hope it helps.
Jb
You were W nominated adult. She needs a new one, let go the mantle, my lovely Jb your first priority should be Jb.
Rest calm and peace
V
V,
That is exactly what I was!
Today I recieved a call from an old classmate, she is coming to pick me up on Saturday night to go for a couple drinks and catch up. She is the youngest of several sisters and I dated her niece after we graduated high school.
Second day of taking Abilify, no noticeable change yet.
Did our income taxes today, thankfully only a small amount owed to Uncle Sam.
Jbird
Hey JB....remember Alcohol is a depresant. Which how much you have especially while taking meds. When lives become codependent it is a big adjustment to begin untangling the web. Now is the time to focus on you and what you want in your life. Get to know yourself and be a friend to you : )
Jb
You can always go Virgin!
on the alcohol I mean........
V
V and Karma,
I will be very careful, I might have one drink or just go "virgin".
We were good friends so it's more about catching up than going out to party.
My Abilify is working today, no bouts of sadness or crying and I'm thinking clearly.
I know I didn't cause this, I can't fix this or control the S. Today when I looked in the mirror I thought to myself, I am somebody and actually thought to myself I might be relieved if I don't have to care for her.
How did that date go Jb?
V
I've been pretty busy GALing. This last weekend I met up with about 20 friends from my hometown in ND. Now I'm traveling to see a cousin and a brother in the western part of ND.
STBX told her best friend she wants to be "friends with benefits" with me! She didn't tell me but did ask me to cook indian food for her when I get back to Texas. She also wants to take me to a mexican restaurant, so "i know where to eat good mexican food."
She moved into an apartment 5-10 minute away from the house.