part 10 is about to lock so here we are with part 11
So last week I was hoping the end of the thread would see things being better as I was a blueeee edz. Any better now? Hmm mixed, "thing" is still a thing still can't talk about it, still troubles me still massively mixed signals from w so just as detached as I can be. Dating profile loaded by friends taken down for the present. Let's carry on...
Goooood eeeevning all.
So back from a long day out. S in bed me on sofa under my throw again. Mostly great time today couple of downers some of which are outside of my control some of which aren't.
First you guys are great thanks for all the fun on my last thread Jim, toots, dawn, ganb8te, v and cyber coffee date gg.
So let's run through today.
Got over to w as usual groomed tidy hair done nicely shaved etc togged out set up the printer and got the drivers sorted w was happy for me to access laptop etc but made sure she was there while I did anything in the PC - I dont go a snooping and want her to understand that especially if "it" surfaces anytime soon - had a coffee and w was heading out to her coffee morning as s and I left.
Made s croque Monsieur for breakfast when we got back, simple yoghurt for me with black coffee.
Headed off out sorted fuel and checked the tyres etc then headed off for the science centre. Much fun had with the exhibits and two visits to the planetarium. This evenings stargazing was unfortunately completely clouded over, indoor alternatives I thought were good but s wasn't that gripped, he asked could we head home and we did.
Soon on the way home he told me he'd been upset this week. Not going into full details but twofold firstly that mummy and daddy aren't in the same place like some of his friends and secondly that he doesn't want new mummies or daddies. Didn't overreact to the latter asked him what he meant. Think he's seen shows with blended families (cbbc especially) and thinks thats how we'll end up.
Had to think on this as, for all I know, may end up like that. I have made no mention of new people, dating, ladies or anything similar and wouldn't do even if I was actively deciding to date right now - which as you all know I'm not. W? No idea she says not but even so I dont believe she'd bring it up either.
Right now I simply can't say and he's processing enough at the moment, ended up saying that mummy will always be his mummy and daddy will always be his daddy regardless of how things end up settling.
He seems happier this evening, said he should talk to w or I if anything is playing on his mind and he shouldn't worry, told him I'm very proud that he's done so well and its difficult but we'll all be ok no matter what the arrangements it just may take some time.
Tricky conversation. S suggests that w is dissmisive when he asks about these things. When I've raised this with w she says nope this is s spinning tales to make me feel better. Makes it difficult to get to the issue. All I can do is really be there for him and work on it all when he's with me. He also said that he sees coming to me as a special occasion rather than day to day. Again just validated him and supported what he was saying in reality he's coming very frequently and often for longer visits. I see his upset but right now with w acting as teacher as well as mum its difficult to work with. Its a challenge.
Sooo yes. That was a heavy bit of talking with a ten year old while driving. Seemed to lift him a bit though. We got back and got him off to bed.
Emailed w to tell her about the science centre and evening and a few pics. Really really considered adding in something about conversations with s but I know she'll dismiss that as me "pushing" her and using s. I actually found myself thinking as that crossed my mind that right now for the first time I'm not 100% sure thats what I want so why would I push her right now? Anyway decided its something better brought up in person or a call so didn't include it.
So now just chilling, tomorrow w is coming over and were heading up to IKEA. W seemed variable today. Welcoming and helpful this morning although looking tired and in some texts today concerning tomorrow she came across as curt and dismissive and looked to be getting out of going (so much so that I said was all flexible - I have no issue if she drops out its really as she wanted bedroom duvet covers etc no hassle if she wants to stay home) really confusing but I'm not drinking the coolaid today.
So there we go that was today, do I get some gal points v?
Managed to explain standing waves, energy transfer, moment, momentum, pendulum effects and timings, vortices and the Bernoulli effect without s dozing off so hopefully good for his science work anyway
Tricky convo, Edz, but I think you handled it beautifully. Once again I am reminded of how far you've come given the perspectives your W expressed early on re your relationship with S. Him opening up to you like that is evidence to the contrary, no?! Also seems like a bit of a shift in your R with him. I don't recall you talking much before about similar convos? (or I may have skipped)
He also said that he sees coming to me as a special occasion rather than day to day. Again just validated him and supported what he was saying in reality he's coming very frequently and often for longer visits.
When I first read that I thought he was meaning that he thinks it is special for you guys to hang out. Seems you had a different interpretation. Do you want to be seen as a day-to-day thing or a special thing?
Managed to explain standing waves, energy transfer, moment, momentum, pendulum effects and timings, vortices and the Bernoulli effect without s dozing off so hopefully good for his science work anyway
Well, I am just impressed you can explain them let alone not send S into a doze! I once tried to explain how waves work to my nephew and realised half way in that (1) I didn't understand it very well myself, and (2) the whole thing sounds totally bogus! (I'm more of a biological sciences person, not physical sciences).
Human Universe with Brian Cox is showing on ABC at the moment. Have you seen it? Might be something nice to watch with S if he's into that kind of thing (which it sounds like he could be).
Hi g
Ah I see what you mean. He was saying that he wanted to be able to come to me whenever he wants rather than only occasionally, he even said when he's a teenager he'll go where he wants to and be with me and go to his friends. I know this is coming from him wanting to make me happy but I do feel its also a slight sign of pushing back on w being there all the time and setting the schedule. She's not being restrictive, even trying to fit in all the requests and fun s asks for but I really think it's a little much sometimes, I always got told how would I know though and at the time that was fair comment tbh.
Due to the home ed it's very tricky even before w still dealing with trust issues about s and my relationship. Yes could have made that clearer, put it down to tiredness
Thanks for the kind comments just keeping on trying to grow really. S and I have had some chats this is the first "biggie" really. Wanted him to understand being upset and wanting to talk are never a sign off weakness but often courage (god knows i had to talk....and talk talk talk these last 6 months) which I feel w trends towards as it's just the way she picked up from mill. Always had to teese out any issues during our m.
Will have to look for that show over in the uk but I imagine it's showing somewhere will take a look.
Always loved science and consume books sometimes randomly don't pretend to be an expert just enthusiastic
Hi Edz, sounds like a good convo with you and S. I think you handled it really well, and it's so positive that he opened up to you in that way.
Plus your attitude of 'not drinking the coolaid' is great - considering the revelation of "it" is so recent. Shows how far you have come. As for Ikea? Well, your W may come or cry off - either way, I'm sure you boys will have a good time!
Cooking lunch for the parents today and Aqua Aerobics tonight....It's 1st Feb now. Time for Edz to start thinking of his February GAL activity maybe? ;-)
Morning toots
Knew I meant to answer something else before bed it was that. Looking at gyms this week. S also wants to go for treadmills at some point
What's for lunch is the masher getting used?
Enjoy aqua
No masher today. I did use it this week to make refried beans. I'm making a lot of Mexican food at the moment - my favourite cuisine.
On the menu for lunch is gnocchi with a homemade roasted pepper and tomato sauce..
Hey, great work with the gyms....hope you find a nice one. SS used to love going to the gym - nice thing for you guys to do together..
Texted w to confirm what she wants to do, she then called me.
She's heading over a little later. She seemed chatty so took the opportunity to discuss some of S's concerns. Positive conversation. As she said would have been strange if s wasn't feeling some of this but she and I will keep an eye on him for signs of him needing to talk. Said again that I can sort someone if he needs to talk or he can go with w or I and if we all need to go we can discuss first.
First time we've really got near our r since august. Wanted to be sure I wasn't pushing any outcome (to be honest I'm not sure what outcome I want at the moment except the one that makes s happy and secure and makes none of us miserable) but I had to make her aware of his concerns. I said that he had been worrying about blended families (see yesterdays post) and I couldn't and wouldn't promise him anything as I dont know how it will end up and that may well be the case but she will always be his mummy and I will always be his daddy and we will both always love him.
Also said i did take it as a good sign he felt he could talk to me about these things as he'd previously felt unsure of where he stood (before bd) w said when she's asked if he was ok she gets stories of Minecraft so sometimes it can be pinch of salt time.
S can indeed be a bit of a spinner of tales sometimes to get his own way (he is a 10 year old boy after all) sometimes to make others feel better but there's no way none of this is true and I think today's the first time I heard w say she aknowledges the effect on him.
Of course no mention of "it" from me and shes either moved past it (probably wishful thinking) or is still in deep consideration of what to do and the impact. Sorry last bit is more my journalling.
Stayed positive and I didn't feel any fear in bringing it up which boosted my PMA confrontation, even small ones, would have made me shy away before so something's working.
Anyway good positive call w wanted me to hear her cat (actual cat before you lot start!) she heard bft (both being sat on by out mogs right now) let's see how today goes, time to get s up and fed and me showered shaved and dressed.
Have a good one
Sounds like S is becoming himself! Kids often talk in cars, found that out when I was fostering. They have an adult captive to themselves, it is warm, the car engine is soothing and it's easy. I always turn down radio and listen and no soothing but soft voice tones. S is confiding and if you want it to continue you will need to be very confidential and if you need to talk to W then tell S so and report back to him that you have done so. When you talk to W, I suggest you discuss S concerns from your view with minimum disclosure. W will then say dad is concerned about X would you like to talk to me about it. W will have to do that as you have disclosed your feelings not those of S. In addition kids can be telling you what you want to hear. Ask open questions and have a giggle with S if you find he is doing so. Oh and lots of hugs, RD is a great role model here with closeness as appropriate with his DS. I know that you know all of this Edz so apologies if I am remarking, intended as sharing.
Just V take on it. H1 and I fostered troubled teens mainly from 10 upwards and H1 younger siblings. H1 was a natural with kids and would have loved a large family (with fostered kids too). Had almost 12 years of fostering with 4 or 5 kids a year, sometimes for as short a period as 3 days but up to 6 months, kids then moved to permanent foster homes or adopted. we were a 'stop gap', some wonderful kids and some with issues, mostly confused or bewildered children needing a little respite, food and more often than you think hygiene. The odd child with greater problems needing special help and foster carers. I worked so was more detached, not a traditional mum and dad and we were young. The training was good too, a little formal and rather waffly but solid stuff and we had our own life support officer. A very lovely caring lady whose job was to help us come to terms with our issues (not the kids). Effectively parenting classes for non parents. Funny how this brings up old memories as fresh as paint and smelling of today not yesterday.
Oh and hugs, some kids no matter how old need hugs. Some need to sit next to you still as you read or watch TV others like to rough and tumble. Others, more spikes will only hug if you ask " I need a hug" and eventually they ask do you need a hug? I am crying as I write full of happy memories. It is strange how tiredness makes V sentimental.
What is S love language?
I believe I asked before but my notes do not note the rely
V
Hi Edz. Glad to hear S can open up with you Just my two pence worth. My D10
Opens up to me a lot, she is very upset but hides it if she can. Often in the car (as vanilla said) she will tell how her mum has changed and does not love her like she used to. I take these times to reassure her that her mum does love her but is just unhappy at the moment. D10 will often say that I stick up for W too much. My D10 is very advance socially for her age and I suppose it's because she has D13 as a major Influence in her life. I was a child of a WAS and I know how it affected me
All you can do is be there for him , as I'm sure you are but from my 4 kids I know than this horrible thing that's happening to them is never far from the surface
Take care mate. Rd
Hi all
Been another long day with lots more than I can journal here.
Thanks v and rd, will get into more talked over with w today in a bit but yes before I spoke to w I asked him if I should talk to mummy and he did want me to. There were bits he spoke to me about he just wanted to talk to me about and those I've kept to myself I've therefore not brought them here in case w does happen across it not mine to tell s will tell w or ask me to.
S's ll is gifts and acts of service v as well as my time lots and lots and yes tons of hugs. S is like me and very emotionally sensitive.
Yesterday in the car was pretty much what you describe v, s turned the radio off and said to me he thought it wasnt appropriate while we are talking (he's 10 remember).
So today...
W arrived as s was sitting down to breakfast so made her a coffee and toast and we just chatted. On the way out we dropped by the shops so w could pick up an order that was waiting for her. We had some good fun in the car even when we got stuck in a 45 minute traffic jam when a caravan had fallen over and again in roadworks. Some really good opportunities for showing my r with s and those of you who've had 10 year olds in the car on a road trip know how those go. We had no rows lots of laughs music and fun.
Once we got there let w and s out while I found a space and then caught up with them. We had a good wonder around w got a load of bits and I picked up some bits I wanted bar a desk as I can't get that in the car with passengers. Set my PMA and attitude today to be fun with s fun with w but make it clear I didn't behave as her h today just someone out with her no r talk etc.
S was hungry as we all were at the end of the shop so we headed to mcdonalds w bought lunch and somehow we fell into a very brief chat on s and touching on r I said Im just carrying on but haven't ruled anything out. S rejoined us and we had more fun and then more of the same jokes and fun on the way back.
W and s came back here (car was left here) and they came in poured w a glass of wine and s wanted to watch youtube on his phone (w's old one with no sim but WiFi) so headed off to his room and put heating on as w was cold we ended up talking sitting on the sofa with a throw on our knees.
We talked a lot about quite a few bits that had popped up before bd, I tried to keep PMA and not drop into pursuit, stuck with my position that I dont want the marriage to end but I can't do much if thats what she wants to do and she needs to work out what's going to make her happy while I do the same, meantime we focus on s. She said she worries she's going to be the bad guy in all this insofar as s, I asked has she spoken to s about it but she said he hasn't really opened up on anything I said if she's worried about being the bad guy thats her solution if she leaves it then since s is less than three years to being a teenager (in years less in maturity) it may well be harder to sort later.
Conversation moved into where we are right now and what happens next. I did not want to delve into it too deep, I think its clear to her I dont want to d (although I'm becoming less sure as time goes on but today we just felt right no stress fun as a family and we had some good laughs and talk chilling out in the lounge) w did say well you wouldn't excumunicate me would you... Had to pause here.
I've said to w that if we split further with a view to d (clearly there's the "thing" which hasn't been raised by w, it may have been moved past or being considered I dont know so I can't figure it in or I'll go down a tunnel again) then I can friendly coparent but thats it, w doesn't like this, really doesn't like this but immediately thats all I can offer I can't be best friends like we've been for 16 years and get d I wouldn't be able to move on. This isn't an ultimatum its my boundary for me. She understands that I think but she doesn't like it thats clear.
Ultimately I didn't expect any answers today or with any timescale but we touched back on our conversation from September. Tried to balance being happy, positive with warm, validation and keeping STFU in mind.
We also spoke about s and his he. W seems happy for me to start becoming more involved. We talked about weekends as well that sometimes may be nice if s sees me at times in the week so she can have the odd weekend as she has him then gets down time at the weekend but is on her own.
This is the crux of her and s, she's committed 100% of her time to s and nothing else. Remind anyone of anything? Yup as I've posted she's massively codependent. I can't tell her that or what to do but did say its also an opportunity for her to look into the things shed like to do like learn some computer things herself. I didn't let Mr fixit out he wanted to come out but I was afraid I wouldn't get him back in the box.
There was lots more talk on her friends (some seem to have drifted off of late) her mum has an offer on the flat and lots else.
Found it all a little overwhelming tbh. Found myself split that I didn't want her to go, we were all comfortable s in his room w and I on sofa all warm lots of fun. But equally there's so much confusion in w's relation with me she seems to want to be at her place without me or anyone else so she says but not be on her own to be best friends with me and keep our over a decade relationship but not in m although there's also no intention to d that she's discussed. Arghhhhhh.
Anyhoo she headed off will be in touch in the week as I may be heading up to my dads to pick up some chairs and w said why not take s with me in the evening. V happy about the way shes seeing s and I have a very different relationship but sad at her confusion on what she wants and how she wants to get there. It all seems full of contradiction and confusion.
It was a veey good day, we had a lot of fun I think Im left feeling confused as it was so close to one of our good old days (before a lot of issues started).
Hmmmm...a lot to ponder.
Hi Edz. Glad you had a good day. It all sounds pretty positive to me. Your W has clearly seen the changes in your R with S. So much so, that now she's concerned about being the bad guy in all of this. Great that there may be some more flexibility in time you spend with him too....lovely to maybe have some midweek time.
Also good that your W and you are able to touch on R, and the convo goes ok - even when you state your boundary, which your W doesn't like. Sounds like you managed to keep up the good PMA, despite touching on some pretty personal stuff.
All that said, your W isn't making any moves 'back towards' as such. But I also get a sense that she doesn't want to completely lose you either. And maybe that's where this reaction to the boundary comes in. She doesn't (yet?) want 'back in' - but she also doesn't want you moving on and meeting someone else - she'd like you still to be great friends and be able to come spend the day, be on the couch under the rug etc. If you D and you meet someone else, all that stops. And from what you say, she finds that prospect a difficult one.
Now, whilst it has been a good day, remember the ebbs and flows. It may well be that she pulls back again now. The 'thing" may still be in the mix. And it may be confusing to have talked like you did etc. So, important to maintain that degree of detachment, and your own steadiness if this happens.
When are you off to see the gyms this week? I had a nice few hours with the parents today. Mum has severe dementia and my Dad looks after her full time. Spending time with the pair of them is never dull! Then back here for a few hours and off to aerobics this pm. Nice day.
Chin up Edz....you're doing great! :-)
Hi Edz. Glad you had a good day and you spent nice time with W. Lots of positives for me but much like my own sitch a lot of words and no action.
It's great that your R with your S is becoming g even stronger but re the W I would keep a neutral mind set. Don't ignore the positives but at the same time don't read to much into them.
Take care Rd
Thanks toots
No worries with detatchment and being guarded. Absolutely the "thing" is in play I know about it but I dont know if it's absolutely something she's going to follow and its no easier to straddle discussing and keeping her privacy either! Arghh.
I felt strained this evening after they went I enjoyed our day the evening was also very nice but when she went I felt mixed feelings. Not as I would have been upset though. You're absolutely right in what you say its clear she doesn't want to lose our friendship and my help etc (all the non romance aspects) but I have to stick to the boundary. If we do go toward d and indeed do d. I dont pretend I'll immediately meet a new soul mate but I also have no intention of sitting alone to the end of my days. No threats, no ultimatums just the truth. W said this evening that I wouldn't be cutting them off in that case but she seemed confused that friendly coparenting wouldn't be the same. I didn't and won't go on about the details as I feel its beating her over the head with info and sounding confrontational.
She said ok and we moved on. Her BL and face said something entirely different. As you say I'm expecting a tune out couple of days with little contact except re s. "Thing" is a wild card I dont know how that will play out all I can do is know I dont have to engage, I can warmly validate and listen within my boundary and her comfort level in communication (eg not pursuing) additionally I have the same options w does we can only r if we both chose to and either of us can chose to simply move on. Were both committed to s me more so than in many years.
A little tired and emotionally weeary suppose just feeling a little unloved, I know thats not the case s alone has hugged me and told me he loves me all weekend but I still miss being in a loving relationship after 6 months.
I'm ok and feel I get better at this each time but wish w would open up a little more to me suppose its Mr f whispering in my ear!
Anyway.
Got a short list of gyms and w brought up another today as she thought the idea of s coming along was brilliant not to mention good for his health. So will be the next couple of days. Will come down to money as its very very tight (well non existent is closer). I'll do it anyway for my gal activities, PMA, health and also to get into a better shape not for w or dating (both are considerations but neither are pressing) but to feel better about me.
Glad your day was good as well toots, thanks for checking in on me
Sounds like everything is great with Edz and S.
Pull way back on W. Warm but remote, be mysterious Edz, super spy.
It is a watch and wait.
V
Thanks v
Bft is being a pickle again tonight probably after another day without much company but you can have one of these squeeks she keeps putting out
Morning BFT
Get that Edz up and moving.
I belong to David lloyd as it has a pool and have added H grandchildren to it. There is tons of activities for kids too. For very little extra can add membership to all the gyms. Useful when at my holiday flat and also when visiting glam sis and fav cousin. Get 10% discount off food and drink and all classes are free.
I also have a spa membership with different facilities and where I have signed up for body building. Two memberships! Better start making use of them.
V
You think she let's me off that late v?
Blimey edz, I take a day away from the boards and all sorts of things happen....
Glad you had a good time with S at the science centre and that you had a nice family day.
As for the conversation with your wife, I can see lots of positives there and from your descripition I think you handled it really well. As others have said she must be seeing your improved R with S.
The one thing I would say to remember is that when you start dating (anyone not specifically now) you dont leap into full marriage living together territory. I sometimes feel that we are looking for full 100% recommitment when actually starting to date again (beginners mindset) may be a more realistic prospect.
As for the 'thing', i would say dont dismiss it but concentrate on the reality of what is happening with W. if you do think of it use it as a way to keep your expectations under control
Hope you have a good day
Hey Edz. I read your post a little earlier in the day but wanted to take some time to read it again. Big day for you! I agree with everyone that the exchange with W seems to have been quite positive. It's great that your R with son is improving. It's even more great that W can see that it's improved (especially knowing the situation from early on). Interesting observation on the codependency thing.
If you are anything like me then you'll feel ok for the few hours after the meetup, then dip into a low over the next couple of days as your head processes everything that she said, what you could have said etc. Just remember that in the moment you felt that it was a good day....anything else is your head playing tricks on you.
Hi all
Thanks for the comments. No plans on dating yet time will tell when and if I should start. G you're right on the feelings dont know if I got that over in my post but did slump when they went seemed so close yet so unobtainable at the same time...sigh.
The thing is still the thing no idea what she plans to do nothing I've seen or heard that its progressing and no discussion with her on it one way or the other. Maybe an impulse that then went or maybe contemplation no real idea. I'm not obsessing as the state isn't changed by it, maybe timeframe on her decision is but who knows on that.
So getting on getting on. Work today calling my dad tonight with a view to getting these chairs tomorrow and seeing gyms at the end of the week.
Jim I think you're right on your comments, no plans at all and as I say the profile wasn't my idea and is down. Unless I'm Fated to meet someone nothing planned to change. Certainly wouldn't be moving fast if it did happen.
(yes you did convey the slump - but I get confused with the time zones so temporarily couldn't figure if it is the same day for you or no)...doesn't matter. Stick with it. It was a good day.
Edzs I think if you meet someone its best to meet people in your daily circle.
I'm meeting some thru work and mutal friends. The cute dude was a work mate of someone I worked with and also a customer. Rhc well he's been around forever but come back into my path thru work. The testicle dude well he's work besties high school friend, but known thru work as well.
Hi G, it is at the mo, here its 11:13 monday morning, depending where in Australia you are it could be different times as well but I think its around 9:13 monday night(ish) if I'm right!
It *was* indeed a good couple of days, talk with s was a challenge but he seemed reassured afterwards and w & i can now help him with those worries, I felt happy (not that he was upset but that he could talk to me that way following how poor we had communicated in the past).
Yesterday was a good, fun family day and then the first time w aknowledged anything beyond her need to see if she could do things herself. Lots discussed (more than I jounalled or Id have filled the thread) but I didnt fall into pursuit or pleading as I would have done.
I did wake up this morning not anxious but wondering what w took away from the day and conversation. She seemed genuinely happy yesterday smiling laughing, joking with s and i and at my daft antics in IKEA (at one point I claimed all the bath mats where mine and she couldnt have one - my attempts to hold the entire crate failed though and I had to defer to allow her one!), was great to see her smile.
Very, very glad i've got some grip on detatchment though as today im fine if somewhat confused....although im often confused
That back and firths fairly common. Keeps happening to me. Although tonight I have a chat to a mutal friend, who talked of work h had done not being what h said it was.
He had done a job without doing a part of it. Bit odd, means he is lieing to others not just me. Shows h is doing the wrong thing by others it wasnt just me.
The other friend was relieved I had an inkling. I did also warn friend it's his choice who he gets work for him, but given h also is doing a couple of other weird things, which I explained. he took me seriously which was really nice and one of the few who have looked at h actions without dubbing me crazy nasty etc.
These sorts of things make you realise and help you detach. That's it's not something you did or didn't do. It's them.
Time on the blue ball for me and gan is about 10.30. I need to remove war paint I'm a bit tired today so need to race that clock to bed.
Morning Gg
For some reason it never seemed to work (well) for me through circles.
Before meeting w I had a couple of r's through people I knew through (but not at) jobs or friends etc but they didnt really go anywhere.
Probably a combination of being introverted a little shy (back then anyway not so much 16 years later).
For now Im not actively looking but who knows what will happen, w may want to try or may get swept off my feet (unlikely, that may require a fork lift)
Night GG have a good one.
Your not that bad to need a forklift, everyone has good qualities.
Yeah, I need beauty sleep, otherwise my under eye suitcases will be packed for a uk trip. There is only do much you can cover with concealer!
Oh yes?
Where in the uk?
lol
I think eastern australia is 11 hours ahead of us (in which case Ggrass you should be in bed as its past your 11 o'clock limit)
I perhaps wasnt clear when I talked about dating (I know you're not looking to date at the moment).
It comes back to what DR says about having small goals. I sometimes get the impression that we should be holding right back until they say something to the effect of 'Oh god i've made a terrible mistake please let us be married again' but i'm not sure how realistic that is in some of our situations, especially if there isnt OM/OW. Also if that is our expectation (never good to have i'm learning) then maybe we are setting the bar to high.
There is a difference between boundaries and hurdles.
Right now your W is spending good time with you and S and thats good but maybe you want to start thinking about the small incremental goals for you (the 'thing' might make a difference)
So I mean the hundred or so steps that come before you 'date' your wife which comes a hundred or so steps before reconcilliation. All the way through withour expectation, knowing that you cant control what she wants, and ensuring your boundaries are solid.
But yes if you do start dating then take it slow.....
Not that I can't really comment on any of this as I've never dated in any form (now that is quite a daunting prospect but at least its new)
Ah I see Jim you meant "dating" w not starting off in the dating pool (or at least the option of either). I see yes you're right. I see I need to read some chapters again soon.
Yes w is definitely not ready for that right now, obviously only she knows if she will be. The "thing" has the potential to mean never apart from friends and obviously (immediately) thats not something I could do and move on, I'd be stuck in amber "wishin' and hopin'" so to speak that it would change again. That sounds like a very easy way to find my life ticking by and thats without her moving on to someone new in the meantime which Im not sure I could handle if we were close friends still.
I like the idea of "rungs on the ladder" I'll put some more thought to that.
Still, not at that point - yet, as you say we do have some very good interactions since our bd was 6 going into 7 months ago and the good book(s) say one month per year together (15~16).
Dating is not something I've ever enjoyed in the past but since I was 28 when I met w and was still very shy and introverted (moved on since then - well, a little) my experiences before then hadnt been the most fun. I dont know now obviously, as with everyone on here, hadn't really planned on it being a necssary life skill
Really struggling to get past the idea that your wife is joining a convent.
your doing good stuff so keep on with what your doing, but give some thought to the idea of next steps.
Have you seen the castle and picnic metaphor (i think HP's thread has it) - can you make your picnic just a little bit more inviting?
Hi Jim
no such luck on the convent, could probably work with that (that sounds *so* wrong).
Next steps, mm, right now just letting her have space and warm validation and support and demonstrating 180s and relationship with s. tricky since the primary other issue was my codependency in our m its tricky to "do" anything without appearing to pursue. I think if I show Im no longer so insular and more outgoing that will help which is what i'm doing with s and w. Moving on from there is where I start to hit a speed bump.
Right now (unless "the thing" blows it all apart) the space and then warm validation and "family" time together seems the best way forward but I'll welcome suggestions on my sitch obviously.
I'll have a look on Hp's thread this evening as well.
Thanks Jim.
no longer so insular = GAL
Yes indeedy.
Since it ties in with this and I know toots and V were also asking this is the rough outline of Gal for the next few months
Ongoing
Swimming wed / sun (sun not so often now as I have s and we do other activites although he does come along sometimes)
New
Investigating Gyms this week will start twice a week, treadmill, resistance exercises aimed at tightening wobbly bits from weight loss
Skills & Learning
Oh dear Im not doing so well here
* Guitar - struck out full
* Photography - initial cancelled, one off in feb full
* Cookery - cancelled (one off cupcake event though...mmm waistline)
Currently looking at the council volunteering page seeing if anythings available that i can help with there.
So not much going on this evening. W has been in touch a couple of times nothing relating to yesterday which is not in any way suprising. Just a few bits about S's schedule.
As I said no expectations either from yesterday or in general.
Reasonably good mood but its flipping cold tonight so may well be a hot bath and a book in a little bit.
So it seems I have a new favourite quote which covers my thoughts on dB
“Inside my empty bottle I was constructing a lighthouse while all others were making ships.”
Charles Simic
Chilly one here this morning, Snowed in the night which was a suprise. Actually found out as I had a FB alert that w had posted this morning about it.
Not a great deal going on this end today, was going to dads to get chairs but he has yet to wrangle them from the attic so will be later in the week. Will spend the time looking at gym stuff instead as I'd like to get that started this week.
Weight seems to be getting back under control after christmas with me back on course for 38/33 trousers in the next month or so which will be great and much closer to goal (36 1/2 which I was in when I met w - with my frame thats about as low as doesnt look ill and im barrel chested anyway)
And its snowing again with a heart warming -4 out there, yes I know those of you in -25c with 5 foot of snow are thinking "aaaanndd?" well, hurumph...
Going dark, cold and snowing now. Feeling v hungry as well which Im guessing is the fact yesterdays dinner was pizza, body clearly went nuts for the carbs and now wants more. Prodding the wobbly bits in a reminder for it to behave itself.
Will finish the other half of it tonight then onto some more protein heavy meals for the rest of the week (although its more swimming tomorrow so wont be so bad probably).
Could also do without the absolute email deluge of reminders I've had that valentines day is coming up. Theres a dilemma to send a basic card/flower or not - mmmm. Put that one aside for now.
Heydeho lights on, music on and get through the rest of these emails and queries for the day!
Oh and, now careful no one gets overexcited, i had to restitch a busted seam on the cuff of my jacket at lunchtime, what a craaaaazy man
Not the most thrilling of days all in all.
w has been in on / off contact but only over s and his e-learning credentials (actually he called me to ask me them but I had him pass me over in case w wanted to keep track / control of them)
Nothing on anything from weekend or "thing". No expectations on either just journalling. Feeling fine just a dull day no different to those before bd and doubtless will crop up again. Considered heading out to the movies but nothing I fancied so will check out netflix with the remaining pizza tonight.
Will juxtapose with looking at these gyms online, something bizarre about doing those two at the same time, or maybe im just going a little mad today.
Yes, I know, just today?
From your previous posts, it sounds like your son is really an intelligent young man and that he is really processing what is going on. That is a real testament to you, edz. Keep up the great dad work! You and your son will both be the better for it.
Thanks Dawn, he's something special all right
I do have concerns that he, like me, bottles things up (internalising) but he's far more extrovert than I ever was which makes me happy and hopeful he wont have the same sort of challenges.
This last weekend gave me a bit of respite worrying in that he opened up to me on it so its not building up and w finally said that she aknowledges the impact on him. Just need to keep being available to him and make sure he understands that and also that theres nothing wrong with being sad at times or wanting to talk about it.
Can't get to sleep tonight.
Packed quite a lot into this evening found a gym which I'll go to Friday washing house stuff and dinner but.... Been a bit of a meh day.
Few emails from w but nothing major, I'm not expecting much this week following Sunday suspect she'll back away a bit for the time being.
Lots of dB buds must be on full gal today since not been too busy around here this evening snows melted for now so out and about tomorrow and swimming tomorrow night.
Well.....sigh......suppose I'll try and get to bed again, even bft has shunned me for the comfort of her cushion next to the radiator this evening (central heating is off so not sure why) mmmm well let's see what tomorrow brings.
Morning edz. Just out of curiosity how much of the stuff about the kids does your wife really need to email you or is it a bit flimsy at times?
I hope you are managing to park the 'thing' a bit
Morning Jim
Some of it is semi transparent re magazines she's seen that s may like but she knows I will (PIC taken in s market) some is cast iron and business like. Its why I get confused as I try to take my direction on communication from her responses.
Then she just goes dark for days and thats befuddling.
The thing is in my mind in a box, nothing I can do and unless she brings it up or something is made apparent I won't know and it won't change any short term stuff anyhoo.
How's you today mate, seemed introspective yesterday..
Morning edz,
I think your situation is really interesting as your w seems warm but confused (+ thing). But actually the more I think about it I don't think the thing us a thing until she makes it a thing If you follow me.
Not to say you should start getting your hopes up, but a box is the best place for it right now. So yes I feel like you're doing good.
Probably best I answer about me on my thread but thanks for asking
W has always hated "games" so sometimes its tricky. I run "my" dB for me nowadays. If w notices something great if she asks I'll explain something mostly. If she feels manipulated it won't end well so I won't do anything thats for an appearance sake for her (bar fake it till you make it in the early days but that was more to break my addiction to moping around after her and has been replaced now)
I can't (really) read her mind and won't (guess) mind read but I'd love to know where she truly wants to go, is she looking to save me as a friend and d (which I boundried - I can't do that for me, it won't impact s if we friendly coparent and I would need to emotionally move on in that case)
Or is she looking for a way back in (knowing w without seeming to have to back down from her decision - she not I would think that) or as is most likely she just doesn't know what she wants to do and is just continuing on her 24/7 time with s and only thinking about the rest and "thing" at those times I have s.
I know she was in a situation where she hasn't told all her friends we'd s only realised that from some responses I'd had on fb. Mine know but I havent acted to correct hers as it felt invasive and possibly awkward for s if it came up while he was on a play date. Dont know if thats changed, I know we posted separate snow pics on fb and I dropped her an email asking was that going to pose her any awkward questions (they are of obviously different houses at 7am) she replied she hadn't given it a thought.
So confusion reigns...
I followed you in your Post Jim.
Cant go into details as you know, I think its a thing *for her* or was no one else involved in our sitch yet - that I know of.
Its something that - again as far as I know, damn my holding myself back on snooping - I wont really know that much more about unless she goes for it and then tells me, of course could say the same about other people no way of knowing really.
I know theres a battle between my emotions going on with one set of troops saying I really need to find some female company and the other saying chill, just wait and see. I'm mediating peace talks between them and pushing the wait and see and work on yourself solution just at the moment but, damn, some days its difficult even if im around lots of people.
So it seems I have a new favourite quote which covers my thoughts on dB
“Inside my empty bottle I was constructing a lighthouse while all others were making ships.”
Charles Simic
Now that I like! Not sure how the ship will then find it, but meh!
Well the bottle is see through, you may now make your own jokes
Back from swimming, one word. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Getting into the pool was cold getting out and then (after getting changed, have to watch you lot) going to the car flipping freezing!
Got the dinner on the go, pork steaks with a chilli and pepper sauce with spiced rice and soy onions. Mmmmm
Then will be a hot bath.
On the whole not a great day, software team managed to break my remote connection software so no wfh till they resolve or get a new laptop to me never mind could do with the social aspect of being in there. Felt a little low in fits and starts today not directly w related or maybe was I'm not really sure.
A lot of contact from me to w today but almost all info, S's library return dates, confirming S's weekend plans. S called me at the office (split day today was in this afternoon) to ask about logon again as he was having an issue with his elearning he actually sorted it himself (typo) but was telling me what he was up to, when he realised I was at work (I always use mobile so its not obvious) he said oh ok never mind but I told him no it was ok he was more important and he finished, passed me to w - more info on s for weekend and a bit on decorating the apt (I dont get too involved in such conversations just validate) aaand thats it so far.
Should feel ok today, lots of people, gal, nice chat on the gym with people at the sports centre even a chat with two guys in the pool but nah feel a little shelved today, probably a low after sunday.
I have no expectations of anything coming of Sunday or of w cutting a path back to me any time soon if at all. I've lived alone for 6 going on 7 months so why is it bad this evening?
Ah well never mind
Bought myself a couple of e books two fiction and one on organising the disorganised child (s is great but scattered at times, w always said I didn't do enough to help him out so continuing my 180s).
Realised I still have the second volume of Michael Palin diaries to read too, got it just before bd then obviously got rather sidetracked.
So Ed status tonight..need to cheer up so in lieu of female company falling from the skies will have a bath a glass of rum and maybe a movie if I dont drop off first.
Catch you as the evening progresses...
I like what you said above about DBing for yourself. That is where I find myself as well. I discussed DBing with my IC this week and she was very supportive. She urges me to take whatever steps I need to get back to myself and I like that.
Evening edz
I have a theory (shock horror I know)
That sounds like a good day in a whole bunch of ways and sometimes when you have that kind of day you feel more acutely what's missing. I think I said before I actually find I miss my wife more when I have the kids than when I dont because I'm in my family but she is missing, where as in other settings I notice less.
Hi dawn.
Yes I think thats what it took me a while to understand! For me dB is about realising the changes possible in you to survive these sitches. For me they've made huge differences physically and mentally and helped me stay sane. The big win is of course the repair and strengthening in my r with s.
Will anything come of them with w? Well she's seen them thats clear from her attitude but will it mean a reconciliation, any ones guess. I think she's starting to see they aren't done to "trick" her or pretend I'm being better to just relapse this really is the way I am now. Just a question of if thats enough really.
I do believe (this evening aside) it will result in a happier me eventually though and never repeating actions that made me so sad and lonely before bd while still in r with w.
I'm glad you've had such a positive ic session, it makes all the world of difference when you come out feeling positive and with a clear idea of what to implement, you're doing well dawn
Evening Jim
Oh yes (apart from the laptop grrrr) a good day. Nothing measurably wrong just feel ..... Meh really.
Know what you mean on missing w, not really when I have s but definitely if s and i do "family" things without her.
I think 7-8 months might be one of those difficult time points when we really start to question where this is going. I kind of committed myself to 6 months and now I'm stretching beyond that. Feels kind of like I've entered the abyss.
Hi g
Yes I know what you mean I sort of set myself a timeline based around next June as seeing where we've got to. Doesn't mean we can't make a decision before then but gives a reasonable time to get used to things and see if there's some grounds there.
At least thats the *current* plan
The stockdale paradox approach suggests timescales aren't that helpful - if it's not x by July etc...as it sets an expectation of sorts. Best to just maintain that wider faith that things will work out well in whichever way.
Edz, sorry you didn't have the best day. IT problems are pretty discombobulating I feel too. But some days are just a bit bleugh. There are better ones around the corner.
Did you enjoy your steak dinner? Did BFT get any??
Hi toots
My timescale was more to give me time to process and see what happens as I couldn't handle an open future back in august. Its getting less important to me as time goes on though and its more as you say a wider faith that things will develop some way.
Dinner was nice it was soy, chilli and pepper roasted pork steaks with rice with onion peppers and chilli sauce stirred into it. Was rather nice
Thanks toots
Well the bottle is see through, you may now make your own jokes
I was thinking more from the point of view that once the light house is installed no room in the bottle for a ship that's sailed far off!
A very good point, I shall have to ponder...
So w just tagged me on fb for some home education info then emailed me a Ted talk on couple who used tech in home educating their sons. It's about how they unschooled (lowered rigidity) and how it helped.
Nice to be brought in more. I dont know (or expect) it has any undertones of anything bar s but w has been flying solo with that so long it makes me smile to be thought of as being ready to get involved in *her* eyes not to mention the option to get more involved with s.
Article did make me sad in a way as it's clear the way the couple are working is what we originally discussed and what, at least this me, would want us to do.
Ahh well take the positive edz, take the positives...
Well time to get going as have to be in the office early to get this laptop sorted (grrr again) nothing from w after email on s home education last night but then didn't expect any.
Still feel melancholic today. Almost pensive of something but no idea what. Certainly not w running back in slow motion as an orchestra strikes up so no clue what my subconscious is playing at.
Ho hum .. will just focus on the mundane. Work today home made curry tonight. Nothing gal planned today but gym starts tomorrow.
Right really must get a move on. Probably not many check ins today as its a busy schedule plus driving in and back, will see how we all are tonight.
Yes! Exactly that. I've been wandering around the past couple of weeks feeling like that. At times I've been like - what is that? what is that? I just can't pin down what this feeling is.
I think 7-8 months might be one of those difficult time points when we really start to question where this is going. I kind of committed myself to 6 months and now I'm stretching beyond that. Feels kind of like I've entered the abyss.
That's exactly how I am feeling. I guess somehow I thought this can't last beyond 6 months, something would have changed. I would have met someone new or he would be back. But here we are still in the same crappy place. At least I am.
What can we do?
Another 6/7 monther here.....
I think we may be at that tired place one gets to when running marathons (not that I have done that by the way, just acting on hearsay!)
It's probably time for us to just 'dig in' and keep on going.
Quick check in at "lunch" - no dont take one but Im busy on something else so can take 5.
I think you mean "The Wall" Toots, and no I havent done one either. You may well be right. Think its also a point at which (I at least) am wondering OK I still want this marriage but does w? Shes shown signs of being warmer to me but is that just her accepting my 180s as real but not really making any difference (to her decision or feelings).
Of course then I catch myself and stop mind reading but its tempting to just say ok, Im done lets get moving forward with healing then move on. Problem is I dont want to yet. Im not done clearly or I wouldnt care about what she thinks. Im not the codependent mess I was but I also dont want to jettison my marriage and accept its divorce time. An odd halfway point you're right.
Of course, if W did say ok its done, over, kaput stop waiting would that make any difference or would I just consider that it could still change, suppose its an introspective question, at what point do I say ok time to give up on this.
Im happy my moving on (outside of dropping the m) is going much better. Im healthier, thinner, mentally much better and no longer depending on others to make me happy *but* I want to be this person and have a new relationship to w in our marriage, problem is thats not a decision I get to make.
Mmmmm, as you say time to dig in for a while and see what happens.
Laptop is being replaced this afternoon after the desk support guys confirmed they cant fix it as its too old so fun few days coming up with missing software and connectivity - yay nevermind though nearly the weekend!
Well hopefully they can get you a replacement pretty quickly. At least you can still use your tablet to update with edz culinary adventures.
I know I'm only a 5 monther and only 2 weeks into actual separation but as you know I'm in that introspective frame about 'moving on' as well (I think its contagious and I caught it from you guys)
My W has been unequivocal, with no room for doubt, in some ways that makes things easier on me than I expect it would be for you.
In your situation edz there is a lot of warmth and positivity but not the movement, which must be tough but shows how well you are doing and how much you've grown.
As for healing I think you need to do that regardless, if we don't heal these wounds they will stay a sore point which may harm any future relationship with W or someone else
For me personnally though I think there's a difference between giving up and not waiting. I know some would disagree with that but I would also say there is a difference between not waiting and looking for an escape/distraction to numb the pain.
Hi Jim
Just the work laptop, my stuff is separate. Its been replaced if not completely configured back in the office tomorrow no biggie as I try and go in a few times a week for the social aspect as I'm naturally inclined to become a hermit otherwise!
I would never say any of us has it easier mate, some have simpler situations than others but not easier. I get what you mean though. Yes the idea of w being "warmer" or at least not-not wanting anything to do with me is an improvement but as I said I dont know if that means she's accepting that its not an act but no movement otherwise. When we slid into any aspect of r talking at the weekend w would either just go quiet (even if she raised it) or on that one occasion look to me to comfort her that I wouldn't cut her off if we parted (restated my boundary dont want this dont want our marriage to end but if thats where we go I will friendly coparent but as we are now no that can't happen) apart from the emails etc I've mentioned nothing else so no demonstration of any change. Doesn't mean she's not thinking it over I suppose but I can't go down that rabbit hole!
No not easy. Does make me think should I look for someone to have coffee with etc (with apologies to gg of course
) but I worry if I let that genie out what would happen soooo no for now waiting.
Waiting..
Waiting....
Was in a rush this morning so forgot to check the chicken was in the fridge, was in the freezer so its fish and (oven) chips tonight instead...doh!
Beauty of leftovers - they cook from frozen.
Can I ask what you worry about if you did let that genie out? Don't worry if you'd prefer not to answer
No I have no worries answering.
What worries me is where it goes. Yes could just be coffee with someone who becomes a friend but could lead to misunderstandings or could go somewhere far more complex.
Dont get me wrong if w can't ever decide to move on or if I get to a point where detachment gives way to distance then that may be the case. But I'll talk to w and well go our own way first. Would she give me the same courtesy? I'd like to think so but if not well....I know I'm me I suppose and have to be true to that. Maybe too much of a nice guy maybe just true to my moral self, wouldn't like to say.
Ultimately right now I want to try to rebuild my m more than I need company and If i want a coffee well i can call someone I know for now.
Of course I suppose the argument could be made w did make that call by walking out but I decided to dB instead of move on to dating... I re read some old posts (not mine or about me) and I think it was Sandi who was talking about a was who was already gone so worrying about my w leaving is a waste of emotions, not so much scared of that just I want to see if I exhausted all my options for reconciliation first I suppose. Not easy as w send confusing signals and conversations
Not sure there is a right call, just what feels right and isn't being completely inactive because of fear I would imagine.
One question I do have (and that concerns me because it would be very easy to get wrong) is when you can go into deeper r talk. I've been operating on the idea that it's when was brings it up and not before because its falling into pursuit.
I'm not about to start long emotional conversations or calls or talks but I do wonder at what point its back on the table without missing an opportunity. Issue here is w is not one to bring up her feelings as she is very much an internal and dont externalise person I wonder is it something she's waiting on me to do.
However I tend to think that's a romantic thought and reality is it would just reinforce pursuit and suffocation and push her away so noooooo not now and stick with detached warm validation.
Big thumbs up to that last sentiment.
My wife always said that setting me a deadline was easy but pointless, you have to make me believe the deadline then I'll get it done.
I think its the sane here, the WAS is gone they've said it and in mist cases act it, but until we believe it we don't fully move on.
If it doesn't feel right then don't do it - whatever happens you have to be true to your moral self.
I'm not sure I agree with 'more complex' though.
And w is tagging me in fb posts again.
I'm not sure I agree with 'more complex' though.
Turnaround being fair play mate, why?
Hi Edz, I think you're right about the R talk - and best to stick with the lovingly distant approach. If your W has had a change of heart, even if she's an internal sort of person, she's going to let you know. And even if she doesn't tell you directly, it will become pretty apparent from her behaviour I think.
For now, you are having some positive interactions, which is great. However, 'thing' is somewhere in the background, plus your W seems to want to be 'friends' rather than more, just now, from what you describe. Also, I think there is still some withdrawing going on.
So, whilst there may be some positive things going on, there's much to be cautious about. And starting a R talk would be throwing caution to the wind.
Hope you enjoyed your fish and chips. I had pasta with homemade mushroom sauce. Feeling a bit sad and lonely tonight. H is on my mind. Had to stop myself from texting him earlier. I was just thinking to myself - I felt ok last night, so hopefully I'll feel ok tomorrow night. But tonight I just feel a bit cr@ppy - oh well...
Hi toots think you're right as I said not about to do it but as we've all said a lot is counter intuitive and sometimes I do have to fight the illogic logic of it all hurumph
Sorry you're feeling a bit low tonight mate, certainly the time frame in this whole thing for it isn't it?
Dinner was....ok wasn't the homemade curry I was looking forward to but was ok. No puds in the house (deliberately) so have a little bit of Cheese (ok a big bit of cheese) and a bagle
Under the throw on the sofa tonight in an attempt to avoid putting the heating on but just cracked and put it on for an hour or so before bed time as my hands are cold using the tablet (-5 here). Pasta sounds good and remember as I did over the past few days you can come here and chat on your (or my) thread if you need a natter
Regarding w wanting to be friends yes I get that feeling too, it does make me wonder is that why she's not moving on at all since i ve made it very clear even pre bd that its not an option if we move toward divorce. To be fair I dont want to lose her as a friend either I just know I can't be friends with her and then watch her move on with her life esp romantically without me I'd never move on in my own life.
Of course its also the first sign that she's happier in my presence than she was around me and thats the first step toward getting back into a r (as it would be if we were first meeting) the question is at what point do I have to act to say ok we need to make a decision here? Thats not something i have any intention of doing but its not something I have a clear idea on. I'm therefore going to my default "working" scenario.
Does that make any kind of sense?
Thanks Edz. I think some days I just get bogged down, and wish the whole thing was over...or hadn't happened at all. Mostly I'm pretty good, which I think isn't bad at this stage - but sometimes it just gets to you.
In my sitch, I have so little contact with H. I just have no idea what's going on. I suppose it's good in some ways - I have no idea of what may be happening with OW. So I don't have to deal with that all the time. But in other ways - there's just virtually no link there now.
When we do talk, we can at least talk, so that's a good thing. And we have warm convos. But the timescales are just so extended with these sitches, and it's tough just not knowing what he may be up to, where he might be up to and what he's thinking. And I know I shoudn't be focusing on him at all. And mostly I do pretty well detaching, and am in a fairly calm place.
Anyway, just venting a bit....sorry to be taking room up in your sitch..
No probs toots, all are welcome in my threads
Yes know what you mean some issues but generally doing well here still detached no nights in tears most days fine and carry on carrying on but right now oh I dont know, is it just I'm not convinced w will want to move forward (or will thing blow up) and I want to look to a future shared with someone.
Mmm for now I'll carry on baking my own cake (not a euphemism
) and wait to see what happens
Hello, toots and edz! I really impressed at the fortitude that you both have. This stuff about not thinking about them is a tricky one.
I am in the very beginning of H not living here. His relocation is, by no means, permanent. It is "until finding something else." So who knows what or when that will be... and with whom? That's the killer for me. I feel like I can handle just about anything but his being with an OW. He is needy, so it is probably just a matter of time. Although, maybe he'll surprise everyone and take this opportunity to grow up.
The important part truly is about focusing on our goals, and happinesses... don't think that is really a word, but it fits so well! LOL.
Hi t-mom
Welcome. Anything I can do to help I'm happy to. It is indeed difficult but gal can help as toots has said. In my case at the beginning I was codependent as well so found it incredibly difficult, thats what brought me to think of dB as more for working on me.
I'll try and catch up on your sitch and pop over
Hi edz, I've been out with a mate this evening and have just got back to realise that we cross posted and I've left confusion in my wake.
To explain my more complex comment - I'm doubting whether another relationship would be more complex, in fact in a lot if ways it would be simpler. Please note I'm advocating here.
Ive had two relationships in my life and to be honest the first couple of years of those were pretty easy. Where they got harder was in part through my lack of skills to meet my own needs or address concerns in healthy ways. This is the stuff im learning as I grow now (didn't do any if this after 1st relationship) and so I'm better prepared for the future.
Their are complications with STBXW but we already live completely separate lives so that's no more complex than now.
This is compared to trying to piece a M back together and overcoming the mistrust and hurt and all the spiteful and/or downright crazy things that have been said or done. All before we even start to worry about reaction of friends and family or dealing with the financial fallout.
No scenario is straightforward it has to be said,
As for the relationship talks, I'm not sure it's a good idea.
You seem to be building your positive communications which is really good. Rather than thinking about the end goal what do you think the next step would be?
Maybe another nice day out like your ikea trip? Or maybe its engaging more with W over the schooling?
Sorry if you've said and I've forgotten but do you know your WS love language?
Hi mate no planned r talks just really looking for advice to stop me internalising the question. Staying with the current plan at the moment and going with what works.
W is laying low from me in the week, deliberate or because she's busy with s 24/7 I can't say but she is contacting me on a daily basis even if its for small things or connected to s. Have to be careful to not build expectations though. I think bonding through my demonstration of continually building r with s is helping but I dont want to make that about w as its about s and I so I'll offer to involve w in activities with no hassle if she says no, a no strings approach.
She's tricky for ll, acts of service and time are the mains with some gifts although she's not too materialistic.
Did someone mention cheese.........
I have given up cheese as I am going to be exercise and body build! vanilla. Now I can not stop thinking about cheese. How do I stop thinking about cheese? Cheeeeeese
I must detach from cheese. I must stop talking about cheese, how do I get some cheese in my life? I want the old cheese not the new cheese. The old cheese is blue and smelly but I love that cheese. new cheese has no appeal. I am waiting for the old cheese to want to be on my buscuit. In the meanwhile it is very runny away from me and my cheese knife. Will the old cheese want me and if it does will I really want to eat that cheese.
Oh my goodness, just suppose there was never any more cheese, what would I do? A life without cheese? No savoury bites, no pickle matching, no cheese.
But wait........
Here is a tunnel. Surely there is cheese at the end of it?
Must go look.
Hmmmm cheese I am coming to get you......
V
Ha v
Very good indeed.
Well in the office again today so got to head off in a mo to get ready. And oh my another busy one coming up.
Was going to the gym tonight but picking up s now so have work, pick up some bits from the shops at lunchtime then back and pick up s for card event and then home so it will be 10 tonight by the time I stop! Will now go to the gym Sunday as will be at dads tomorrow.
No change in feelings today still the same. Well just keep swimming as dory said....
Did someone mention cheese.........
I have given up cheese as I am going to be exercise and body build! vanilla. Now I can not stop thinking about cheese. How do I stop thinking about cheese? Cheeeeeese
I must detach from cheese. I must stop talking about cheese, how do I get some cheese in my life? I want the old cheese not the new cheese. The old cheese is blue and smelly but I love that cheese. new cheese has no appeal. I am waiting for the old cheese to want to be on my buscuit. In the meanwhile it is very runny away from me and my cheese knife. Will the old cheese want me and if it does will I really want to eat that cheese.
Oh my goodness, just suppose there was never any more cheese, what would I do? A life without cheese? No savoury bites, no pickle matching, no cheese.
But wait........
Here is a tunnel. Surely there is cheese at the end of it?
Must go look.
Hmmmm cheese I am coming to get you......
V
Best post EVER! (especially as I've just enjoyed some blue cheese with dinner. Now I am rethinking my cheese selection)
I also love the cheese post V.....Wallace and Gromit sprang to mind....Cheese Gromit? Just eating Halloumi fried in sweet chilli sauce as I write!
My H used to be a big cheese eater before he went on his big diet and lost 2+ stone...maybe that's what he's missing?
Arghhh so much food talk...cheese at that... no food for edz till tonight...probably late as well
But...
Went out at lunch time and the measuring and clothes were not lying. Was going to wait until the next milestone before new clothes but I presently have exactly...1...pair of trousers that dont look baggy and scruffy as theyre too big and cant have that. So not quite size I wanted but 5+ inches smaller waist than July size (and they were a.tight and b.vanity sized according to my tape measure).
And the right inside leg measurement so no half mast.
W has been on the phone to me and texting again, some onfo on traffic nearby (huge accident causing mayhem) but also talking to me about stress with s on home ed and saying to him as a last resort she'll send him back to school and she can then go to work. Just validated and suggested a boundry that she say if he wants to work outside of school he has to respect her decisions and rules or he will need to go to school and have teachers do it (i now seem to be dbing between w and s
)
Anyhoo w thought I was heading straight there but I want have a shower and get changed first (dont want to show up after 8 hours here want to be clean tidied and smelling nice - not just for w but then I get to sit around for 3 hours at card club dont want to be in the same clothes - urghh)
Next need some new t-shirts and tops as mine are getting a bit big and baggy at the sizes I have, fine at home but do nothing flattering for me, of course still have some muffinness and wobbly bits to shift yet.
And you lot no its the wrong trousers jokes!!!
Well that was all a bit rushed but got s to his event.
Went home got showered changed nice smells etc then nice blue jumper and new jeans with shoes hair gelled etc.
Went round and W's friend was there since sam and her s were on a play date this afternoon. She hasn't seen me since august and got a wow in front of w. W said ooo new trousers just said well yes the others were far too big now. Flat was a bomb site as boys had been playing and had dinner etc and w was chatting.
We had to skidaddle to get here on time so picked up some post and off we went. W has texted to say that was manic and she now has a flat to tidy. Had taken a bottle of red round for her so sent back well have a glass of wine or 2 or 3..
Rather happy with the way that went
Were going to lock soon so here's
part 12
No idea who sam is s obviously... Tablet typing time
Edz, that's great to get a wow from W's friend.....I think things like that can't fail to get our WAS's thinking. At times, I think they see us as a pair of unwanted old slippers, when to others we may be seen as attractive, interesting and 'a catch.' Does no harm at all for you W to see that someone else might think that.....bet you're glad you went home and changed now!!
Thanks toots. Yes I did feel like a piece of furniture at times. Who knows what w will think, I hope something interesting, know it made me feel good
A very positive interaction and you sound dry PMA. well done mate.
Take care. Rd
Cant remember the last time i got a 'wow' from someone i know that wasnt followed by 'you look tired'
That sounds like a good day and some well timed new clothes
Thanks all. I think it's probably related to the weight loss more than a phwooar kind of wow but I'll take either
W has been in full on text and email mode again. Texts on s and then emails on local school closures and pictures of her dinner and her offering to send me the recipe. Turned that one around and said or you can make it for me at some time
And yes left it there.
Just got s all settled and off to bed and chilling out on the sofa now before bed time.
Interesting Edz - she's certainly reaching out to you quite a bit with completely unnecessary contact - ie: not about S, but because she wants to be in touch...
As you know, best to have no expectations, but interested to see if she may pick up on that 'dinner thread' that you left dangling....that was a little it of pursuit there - which I think was fine in the circumstances - but maybe back off a bit now and see what happens.
Do you and S have nice plans today? It's a bit grey here, but I'll be out for lunch, so that's a nice plan on a grey old day...
Morning toots
Yes knew it was naughty at the time but thought it was probably one of those break the rule to prove it moments. Didn't attach any r heavy weights to it or times and as you say left it dangling...
She's just called again. This threads going to lock though so meet me at part 12 for more