http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...415#Post2529415Wasn't quite ready to start a new thread but my old thread ^^^ locked.
I'm still feeling extremely confused and find myself having thoughts don't have any place in my life right now.
I feel I have made a lot of progress but not enough at the same time. I'm kind of stuck in the "what should I be doing" mode. What I'm doing seems to be working as far as how we're getting along but not sure about anything else. Yesterday he was really excited and wanted to show me the new parts he got for the jeep and today he asked how much money he owed me for the table I picked up for him.
On a positive note my friend and I are really starting to work back into a running distance that we used to run without a problem. Trying to let go of all my regrets in life (not just in my relationship) and quitting running and working out is high on the list of regrets.
Couple of quotes need to embed into my head along with the serenity prayer I say probably 20 times a day!
"The past is like an anchor holding us back. You have to let go of who you are to become who you will be."
"You can't tell what tomorrow will bring and you can't change the past. So just live today."
"The past is exactly that the past. You can't change it so why sit there and dwell on it like you can? You gotta move on. Work on the future you...."
New thread. New you.
You've felt in limbo for awhile. Maybe its time for another look at the complete picture. What are your goals? What are your 180s? How do they align? What techniques can you do to meet those goals?
If you've read DB and DR, perhaps check out... The Solo Partner or I love you but I'm not in love with you. Both are pretty good and have sections on usable technique. Solo Partner even has worksheets.
You are absolutely right M! It's time to reread DR again at least the parts I need like the goal-setting.
I read so many posts on here especially the responses from vets like 25 and Sandi. 25 posts over and over about GAL and overcoming inertia as the key to detachment. I really, really am having a hard time with detachment because he is living at home and we do spend so much time together...of course that is a positive.
H and I watched a movie again tonight, he asked.
D13 has a tournament this weekend so we will spend lots of time together. He used to hate going to sporting events, partly because he didn't like how involved I got and some of the complaining I did about coaches choices and what not. I don't think I'm quite as 'bad' as I used to be (different circumstances with my S) but I will def be aware of my actions and 180 the heck out them.
Hi, lost. I don't know what to add but wanted to check in and cheer you on.
Thanks for stopping by!
Not much to report on the R front, not sure if I did too much of a 180 at the tournament. I probably did compared to 8 years ago but can't see it right now. H decided not to go today because of his back. I have to say it's a little frustrating that I come home after being gone either working or something like this and he hasn't even done the dishes. Nothing I can't get over and of course I STFU about it.
He went to the store and asked if I needed anything, when he came home I asked if he got anything for dinner (I didn't ask him to) and he said he thought we'd just order pizza. Then we watched a movie. He didn't ask me to watch it with him but asked if I'd seen it which I had. Such a strange life we are living.
On another note, my brother called and my Mom is in the hospital. He was pretty incoherent when he called, guess it was a bad scene, he's better now. The thought is she had a stroke and possibly some seizures but aren't sure right now. I knew this day would come (she's hasn't been in great health for a while now) but of course am feeling pretty guilty. I haven't talked to her since August when we went to S19's boot camp graduation. Without getting into all the details she is a very negative, passive aggressive person who likes to play the victim. I would have called her for Christmas and such but she hasn't had a phone or internet for a few months. H doesn't care for her, with pretty good reason, but he did ask what was going on and what I was planning on doing. We live in different states so I guess I'll just wait and see what the Doc says. Just add a little more stress to my life....
I'm really sorry about your mom. Hope she's ok and that you are too.
Thanks Maybell, not exactly sure what is going on with my mom. Called my sister earlier, they were still waiting to see the Dr. who walked in while we were on the phone. They have not updated me yet.
Went to my IC today. I went in with the thought that although I'm not ready quite yet a conversation with H is probably in my near future. Just not sure how much longer I'm willing to live in limbo.
Told IC what is going on with us. Our movies, going out and his sharing things with me. She said I have been very disciplined and I need to continue to be patient. She also continues to tell me that I need to keep planting seeds. We talked about the crappy little room he's sleeping in and she suggested that I let him know he's welcome back in our room. Not to ask him but just plant the seed. I know that goes against DB and not quite sure how I feel about that yet.
Wow, interesting night tonight. Girls were out at bball game so H and I were alone. I just seriously don't know if he will ever be willing to make this marriage work. It makes me extremely sad, I see so much potential for us, in spite of all that has/is happening.
He was in the garage and I heard him start the Harley, I love the Harley....I went out there. We started talking about different stuff, his back mostly which lead to a conversation about him missing being in the middle east and the excitement and adventure that came with it. I got upset and started crying, he of course hates it when I cry and asked what I was crying about. I took a break and went inside for a few minutes and then went back outside and told him I was crying because it makes me sad that he would rather be over there than with his kids and family (prob shouldn't have said that) and that it makes me sad that he has shared more about his feelings and experiences being there in the last month than he did the entire 6 years he was there.
He said that being over there he realized that he can live very meagerly, doesn't need all "this stuff." I commented that the reason he went over there is so we could have all this stuff and now he realizes he doesn't need it. There was more to the conversation than that but no R talk.
I guess sleeping in that "crappy little room" probably doesn't bother him.
We watched a movie together and when it was over he went to bed without saying good night (very common).
I feel like we are connecting on many levels but wonder if maybe I should just back off. I'm still completely lost...
I never realized how many different levels of loneliness a person could feel.
Help! I'm trying to be patient but feel like I'm giving too much of myself. Do I stop doing anything for him? That doesn't feel right to me, but at the same time am I making it too easy for him?
Admittedly I'm a little frustrated because I feel like the texting has started or the hiding of it has stopped again (can't prove it and trying to "act as if" he's not texting OP). Didn't do a very good job hiding my irritation about that today, although not sure he even noticed.
We spent most of the weekend together at D13's tournament. He had already asked if I could go to his Dr appt with him today because they suggested he have somebody to drive him home afterwards. We are spending so much time together "as a family" and he is even opening up to me about stuff but yet we are still in this same place in our M.
I'm just not sure what to do, my mind is saying I need to tell him I can't continue to live like this anymore but am not ready for what he might say and my heart is telling me to keep holding on. On one hand I see many positives in our interactions, on the other nothing has changed.
Vent to us and hold tight.
My advice would be to mark a day on the calendar like 3 months to a year out and just hold on until then. If you feel consistently like this for that entire stretch then review.
The problem is that even if you ended everything today...it wouldn't stop the pain. It would go from the pain of limbo, to the pain of a clear loss.
You'd need to detach a lot more before this would make sense to me.
BUT- I totally can understand why you'd feel like forcing the issue!
GAL and do stuff for you so you can cope
Thanks Zues. We are already talking about our vacation this summer. We are from the same hometown and it is a big reunion year there. His sister and her family already bought their tickets and are staying at our place up there. He is also working toward getting his back fixed and once that is taken care of things MAY change.
The problem is that even if you ended everything today...it wouldn't stop the pain. It would go from the pain of limbo, to the pain of a clear loss.
I know you're right. I think it's the limbo that is killing me. I feel like the longer we live in limbo the harder the loss will be if he moves forward with D. I want a chance to heal and move on with my life if that is going to be the final outcome.
You'd need to detach a lot more before this would make sense to me.
I am not detached at all. I know that, I also know that I need more GAL activities to help me detach.
GAL and do stuff for you so you can cope
Need lots of work here, this is what I'm doing for me:
Continue to see IC, take AD meds, vitamins and hormones, meeting with a friend to run at least 2 times a week, adult league started again so I play ball and typically go out with team afterwords. I've been slacking with the house a little and need to get some materials to continue making some things I was making. Also, I've been talking about a photography course I wanted to take, the next one starts Feb 17th. This is going to be my Bday present to myself.
I need to do more, I know, there are some things I have been wanting to do for a while but $$ and not having anybody to do it with is holding me back. Some I can do alone, others I would prefer not to.
I know I need to focus on me, but it is so frustrating when I think about this other woman. I don't understand what either of them is getting from a long distance relationship over text and internet. Obviously I have no idea what her life is like or what he is telling her, but I think there comes a time when you want a "real" relationship, somebody to do things with and the physical touch that comes with it. I see my H everyday and I miss the physical part big time.
So yesterday I worked and then met my friend to run. When I got home the kitchen was exactly the same as it was when I left, dirty dishes in the sink, counters not cleaned. I was irritated. I cleaned it up a little and cooked dinner. Irritated the whole time because H and D16 (D13 was sick) do nothing to help.
We sit down to dinner and I say S19 is coming home next weekend. D13 has an overnight tournament which H already said he wasn't going to. H comments about me not being here and S19 having a party, D16 says she'll be here. I say something to H about him being here or where is he going to be and he comments "I'll be floating around." Then says that he is going to visit his "army buddy" who lives about 7 hours away because he's having a hard time. I asked why he doesn't go this weekend, he said "army buddy" is going to TX this weekend. What a bunch of BS. The way he handled he situation leads me to believe he is lying. Later I went out and suggested he go the weekend after he was planning so I don't have to stress about S19 having a party while I'm gone.
So now what, I don't know if I can live with this. I love my husband, and I want my M to work, but I at some point need to be able to live my life fully, and if he is going off to spend Valentines weekend (a year ago he did the same thing after telling me he wanted a D) with someone where does that leave our M? I know DB is for me, to make me a better, happier person and I'm working on that....but not sure these positives I see in our R are really positives toward fixing the M.
Any suggestions on how to handle this?
"but not sure these positives I see in our R are really positives toward fixing the M."
Like what?
What positives?
Mostly the fact that he has been opening up to me about his life overseas and how feels about wanting to go back. He hadn't shared much of that with me the whole 6 years he was there. Sharing his feelings a little more. Also, sharing his excitement about his project. Asking me to watch movies and tv. We just started watching the final season of Justified together and he's waiting for me to catch up with another series so we can watch the new season. I guess maybe it doesn't seem like too much but considering where we've been I thought we were moving in a positive direction.
Also talked to my sister today, she said that I look at all of his actions from a (can't remember exactly what she said) suspicious standpoint. That I'm looking for either validation or proof and look at everything with the mindset that there is an OW. When I told her what happened yesterday (about my assumption that he is lying about going to visit his friend) she had a different pov. That either he really was going to see his friend, or he was just saying that to be in control of the situation. Not that she doesn't think it's possible that he is going to meet an OW, just that there are other possibilities.
So, for now I'm not doing anything about the possible trip, that may change next week depending on what actually happens.
I have made the choice to fight for my marriage and I can choose to end the limbo whenever I'm ready, I'm just not ready quite yet.
Mostly the fact that he has been opening up to me about his life overseas and how feels about wanting to go back. He hadn't shared much of that with me the whole 6 years he was there. Sharing his feelings a little more. Also, sharing his excitement about his project. Asking me to watch movies and tv. We just started watching the final season of Justified together and he's waiting for me to catch up with another series so we can watch the new season.
I think these are all positives. Any step in the right direction is just that... a step in the right direction. I think you need to build on those.
I also agree with your sister. IMHO... You need to accept that both the best and worse case scenarios are possible. He could be meeting his friend, or he could be meeting OW. Both are possible. But that doesn't mean you should be looking for ways to validate him meeting the OW and not the friend.
As for him wanting to go back. I read somewhere how most M and W are wired. M seek independence. Think Marlboro Man. They want experiences and are looking to prove themselves out in the world. W seek intimacy. Closeness. Partnership.
I think I suffer from this as well. When I was kayaking a lot. It was always about the next trip. Where am I going, what am I doing. It wasn't that I didn't love my W or kids. It was a predisposition of mine. I talked to the IC once about a professional kayaker. The Pro identified his life priorities as: #1 = Wife, #2 = Kids, #3 = Fun, #4 = his business. I told my IC that I wanted those kind of priorities and I want my STBX to have similar priorities, where I am ahead of the kids. He said thats idealistic. As a man, I can't nearly comprehend a W's connection to her children, that are made within her. Her connection to them is a predisposition of her, and probably not a reflection of how much she loves or doesn't love me.
I think a 180 for you could be to try to understand and validate his predisposition to those urges. I think he expected you to act that way (that is how I came to expect my W to act), and by acting that way you validated the expectation. Next time he may not bring that kind of deep feeling to you. Remember his statement doesn't mean he doesn't care for or love his family, it is just how he feels.
That piece really spoke to me, as someone who has felt that way, I spent a lot of time on that, I hope it has some value to you.
One foot in front of the other!
Thanks M~I will reread and respond to that later. Right now I'm looking for advice on this little bomb H dropped. He got a job offer in the Middle East.
We were sitting at the dinner table, both girls were away from the table for a minute and he gave me this news. That's all that was said, didn't discuss anything further because D16 sat down.
Obviously he is thinking about it, although his back and workers comp claim is definitely an issue. I'm not sure if I should bring it up again or wait for him to say something. Also, how do I validate and show support for this???
I don't support it at all, however I know that it's not my decision to make, especially considering the status of our R! How do I DB this?!?!?!?
I think you need more information. How long will he be gone? How often will he come back? Does he want to go? If so, why?
Maybe try to deal with this in sections, taking breaks in between to think.
Why do you not want him to go?
Lost - How are you doing?
Thanks for checking on me. I'm ok, Have lots to say but really don't feel like it at the moment. Iraq probably won't happen and I don't think he's very happy about it. I think he was frustrated and pulled the trigger on something that he can't undo (work related) and it will affect his future employment.
At this point I just don't see him ever being open to working on our M. I just don't know what he is thinking about how this is going to work, I need more and don't know how long I can do this. Glad I have an IC appt on Monday, I don't know that she's giving me solutions but at least it's a place to vent and get another POV.
I'll check back later and try to give more information.
Spent the day yesterday chilling and cleaning the house. Had some GAL activity today, D16 and I went to an art festival, ate and stopped at Target on the way home.
H and I were watching TV and I mentioned D13's practice location has changed, he usually brings her on Thursday. He then told me he would bring her Monday because he was leaving Thursday to go see "army buddy." So here is where I am, I don't know if he is going to see his friend or meet an OW. I know I am supposed to accept that he doesn't want to be married anymore. What I don't have to accept is living this way.
Just don't think I can do it anymore. I want and need more. I love him, I want this marriage to work, but not at the expense of me. Part of my life has been on hold for close to 7 years because of his choice to work overseas. Then, a year ago he comes home and tells me he wants a D but makes no move toward a D or toward reconciliation.
I wish a vet would help you with this.
It seems that a 180 for you would be to be proactive and address this with him. I would consider your 180s, and make sure your response and the way in which you respond is inline with those.
Everyone is entitled to happiness, unfortunately to be happy it requires effort, it doesn't just materialize. You know and believe this. Therefore, I'd just be really cognizant of the way in which you approach him with this.
You're right Mahhhty, thanks. I'm off the ledge for the moment after an IC appt, some crying and a reclusive day(almost didn't talk to H all day...on purpose, but decided to stop pouting). My IC says I go from A to Z...meaning wanting to save my marriage to kicking him out. My sister said that none of us (me and siblings) are very good at maneuvering the unknown, it's either black or white, unfortunately my life is very gray right now.
IC feels I need to start being more aggressive, telling him what I want instead of going to the extreme of kicking him out. I really don't know what his plan is for the weekend, he could be going to visit his friend as easily as going to meet an OW and if I declare I'm done and he really is going to visit friend than I've completely crushed any positive steps we have made in our marriage.
I know it goes against DB but I think I may need to, for my sanity if nothing else, have a conversation. Haven't decided on that yet but am thinking about it.
I've gotten some wise advice on here in the past (when I was debating whether or not to move out) that sometimes your sanity is more important. Something to think about. One can only live in the "living together but WTH is going on??" limbo for so long...
All - Lost needs some help plotting her next steps. Who has similar experience living with someone who is disconnected from the marriage but not taking any active steps to leave?
So today marks 1 year that H told me he didn't love me anymore and wanted a divorce. Is it a wonder I'm so confused?!?!
Did(tried to do) something stupid and hope it doesn't bite me in the butt. Where H is going this weekend is really eating at me and it's going to be tough, I would say if I knew for sure he was going to meet an OW that it would definitely push me more towards being done. With that being said, I tried to log into his Skymile acct, I was on it a few days ago, and it seems the password has been changed. Definite red flag. At any rate I may have locked his account with too many attempts. Not good.
Had an interesting conversation with my sister tonight. H has a lot going on right now with his back, job and lawsuit I don't even know if he is giving our M (or lack of) much thought. Going back overseas would be an easy way out for him for sure but he's kind of closed that door for himself. I've been trying to figure out what to do but my sister suggested instead of trying to have a conversation with H about OR I simply let him know that "I know he has a lot on his plate right now and don't know what I can do to help but that I love him and I'm in his corner." I'm not sure if this is pursuit or not but it is definitely a 180 for me.
I think that is a great idea. I recommend checking sandi's rules as a check and balance that you are not pursuing but reinforcing boundaries and openness.
If you are new and reading my posts at all please learn from my mistakes. DB101....I'm a year into this and not even close to where I feel like I should be emotionally...maybe on the surface, but not deep down.
I have been a mess the past few days, ready to call it quits mostly over the fact that I was sure H was going to meet some OW this weekend, even failed at snooping to find out. While I have decided that I could forgive him for what has happened in the past, if it continues in the way I was thinking I may not be able to.
H got a call from his attorney yesterday about upcoming Dr visit for his back. He mentioned it to me but the girls started asking questions about it so we dropped it. This morning I asked him what else the attorney had said which started a conversation. He told me that he was not going to his friends this weekend, he was a little disappointed as he was looking forward to it and there is a guy that lives near his friend who is selling original parts he needs for his jeep that he was going to go buy.
My point is I allowed myself to get all worked up because I was so focused on what HE WAS DOING, assumed something that wasn't true and ALMOST ruined any forward progress I have made.
During this conversation I was able to show my support and give some validation to what he is going through. I did tell him I know he has a lot going on and I wish there was something I could do to help but the conversation didn't feel right to continue and tell him that I love and support him. (which does go against Sandi's rules Mahhhty, but since one of the issues in our marriage is that he didn't feel I wanted, loved or appreciated him I don't know that it would be a bad thing.)
Anyway, off the ledge for now, just have to remember and learn from this...
I just wanted to report some GAL activity tonight...my friend I usually meet to run with got caught at work and couldn't meet tonight. Some of my old running/racing friends started a running group on Thursdays, I've considered going before but either D13 had practice (H now takes her on Thurs) or I was running with my other friend and not quite ready for "public running."
I decided to go tonight! Had a good time, caught up with some friends, got some exercise and went and had a beer afterwards!
So glad I decided to go, when I was running and doing races I it was probably one of the happiest, most confident times in my life..I used to say I felt better about myself at 40 than I did at 30. This was definitely a push in the right direction!
That is GAL'ing!!!! I'm really happy you had fun!
Signed up for my photography class! Kept making excuses as to why I "couldn't" do it! It's my birthday present to myself!
Played softball tonight and went out with my team afterwards. D13 has a tournament this weekend so we will stay overnight tomorrow, just her and I.
A year in and I know I still have lots of work to do but slow progress is better than no progress.
Have a good weekend everybody!
Good for you! Glad to hear you up.
Sounds like fun. Good for you!
I'm thinking 5 days no contact to your thread is a good thing! I hope all is well!
Hey M thanks as always for stopping by!
No change on the R front but I have been doing a little more GAL. Started my photography course and love it. 4 more weeks and I might sign up for the 2nd course too! Worked a few days, my regular Friday night softball, had some fundraising for D13's team on Saturday. Didn't run all week though...:( my running partner got tied up at work and it was a little too cold to motivate myself! We were going to run this morning but she suggested lunch and shopping instead! Had a good time, weather is nice again so we had lunch on the water and did some shopping.
I have a feeling we may be in this limbo for quite a while. I know I'm supposed to believe "none of what he says" but some of the comments he makes are definitely "you and me" not "us or we" and seem so final. But, he's still here and not moving forward with D either. So, it is what it is for now. I need to continue to work more on focusing on me and a lot less on us or him.
Welcome Back! You've been busy. Thats great to hear. I think over time it will change your husband b/c you are living the life that you want. I say keep living that life.
I was thinking also, did you ever have a DB coach? I had/have one and she's great. Having one really focuses on setting goals and meeting them (which you are doing in GAL, but it may help with breaking the limbo cycle).... Just a thought.
I have considered a DB coach and I'm sure it would help, but I just can't afford it. My credit card is pretty jacked up and unfortunately if it comes to D I need to use that to pay for a lawyer.
Yesterday was my birthday, H wished me a happy birthday in the morning, I really didn't expect him to so that was nice. The girls always want to do something for me, they asked what I wanted a couple of weeks ago (new running shoes!) so when I got home there was a card and chocolates with a gift card!! There was also a cake which I had assumed D16 picked up or asked H to but he actually did that all on his own! Very nice! He offered to take D13 to practice too but I wanted to go!
Had my 2nd day of photography class today, learning a lot but it's a little trickier than I thought! Hope it all sinks in so I can apply it!
Other than that had a killer headache today and missed my run....
HAPPY belated BIRTHDAY!!!
It seems as if he is trying, or at least there are moments that could be interpreted that way. It seems that GAL and detaching are helping. What do you think?
Thanks Mahhhty.
I think GAL is helping...at least helping me feel more in control of my life. Don't think I'm detached at all.
I'm in limbo right now and although I was a mess about it a week ago I'm ok with it for now. I need to continue to have patience. I don't know if he'll ever decide to work on our M or if we'll ever be able to have a M that we both want to be in where we both feel loved but until I'm ready for it to be over I have to continue to have patience, patience and more patience. It would be great if he would communicate but that isn't happening.
Friday night my game got cancelled when I was on my way there, when I got home he said he was thinking about going to a sports pub. We ended up going and having a couple of beers and some wings. I think I need to relax, I'm so worried about "not being the same negative person" he thinks I am and I get so caught up in "should I say this or that" what can we talk about that we can connect on....I'm putting too much pressure on myself. Anybody out there have any advice oh what I could or should be doing in this state of limbo I'm open to suggestions!
BIL stopped by last night, we were talking about people from our hometown and he brought up somebody and her situation and what her name was on facebook (she's divorced and with somebody else but kept her married name on FB) made a comment sarcastically "it's on facebook so it must be true" and laughed. Here's me thinking about him changing his relationship status to single on FB yet he is still married. WTH?? Oh well, I'm trying to stop asking the why questions but somethings just make me LOL! Looked in a mirror lately!
Photography class, IC appt, hopefully back to running this week and D13 has an out of town tournament this weekend. Oh, and a hair appt! Trying to see what else I can add to my week!
Trying to see what else I can add to my week!
What a great perspective! You are doing so many positive things! You are definitely living your changes and it's great to see.
I still see the word "limbo" kicking around in your posts. Do you really think you are in limbo? I think you use it to describe your situation, in which, you are waiting for him to identify that he wants to work on the relationship or wants to leave. I don't think you are in limbo. Your life and your identity are getting stronger. You are making changes which have enabled more time with him. Him being more considerate about movies, dates or tournaments with the kids, etc. Change is happening.
Hmmm...interesting perspective Mahhhty. You're right in a way. I'm not in limbo, my life is moving forward. My M however is in limbo.
n.noun
2. A condition of prolonged uncertainty or neglect.
I agree there are lots of positives but I feel I need to keep grounded in reality and not ignore the less positive things.
I was reading a book and one section talked about limiting beliefs. In brief beliefs that include "always or never" (My H will never find me attractive again). So, I am trying steps to eliminate any limiting beliefs I have.
I have also made some changes in an interaction with H. It is common for one of us to leave without saying anything to the other or go to bed without saying good night. (This is something that was quite common even prior to BD). So, now I make a point to at least say "see ya later" before I leave and "good night" when he's going to bed. Little things, common courtesy.
I also realized I am doing less stuff with D13 outside than I was when he first got home, maybe because the time change and it gets dark earlier, but she has asked and have said no to her a lot lately. I definitely need to work on that, guess the time change will be a good thing.
So, not so positive report. I had posted a picture (joke about paying taxes that we've been dealing with the past few days) on his facebook page with a comment that "we have that covered and thanks for always working hard." He removed it from his page and I of course freaked out a little jumping to all sorts of conclusions about "WHY." Talked to my sister and she said ask him so I did. He said he doesn't want anything on his page right now because of his workman's comp claim. So, I'm glad I said something, although I'm still questioning the reasoning I'm trying to just take him at his word.
I'm in a pretty good place overall even with the uncertainty of my M but I don't know how long my patience will last....I miss being touched and held and all the physical things that come with a M. Sigh...
I agree with your sister, I think instead of jumping to conclusions it is better to remain factual and grounded. With that in mind, have you ever asked him "What do you want from this marriage?" or perhaps "What do you think we can do to increase our happiness?"
Perhaps a vet would know a better generic question to ask. But something that is perhaps thought provoking without providing any pressure on him, and it seems like that kind of proactive question would be a 180 for you.
No M I haven't asked him anything along those lines. Not that I haven't thought about it but it does not fit in with DBing....pursuit, initiating R talks. Also, I am not ready to give up yet and I feel if I do put it out there I will get the reaffirmation that he wants a D. So there's that....
I have found myself getting too wrapped up in what he is doing the past few days. This past weekend D13 had another out of town tournament. I had made a hotel reservation but she got injured and couldn't play. I was way to concerned with "WHY" he was pushing for us to still go. Was it really because he felt she needed to "support her team" or was there an ulterior motive? I get upset with myself for spending too much time wrapped up in him....grr! At any rate, we did go and support the team Saturday but did not spend the night.
Again last night, I find myself all twisted because he was texting....2 texts is all I saw and I of course jump to conclusions because he "turned" away to text and I "assumed" he was "hiding" who he was texting.
So....still struggling with the detaching and the only thing it does is make me unhappy and stressed.
Something I'm really struggling with right now is my weight. I was at the DR today and as I've suspected due to the fit of my clothes I have gained weight. I'm really struggling with him (or anyone) ever finding me attractive again if this continues. My blood work is good so stress levels, thyroid and everything are normal. With that being said, I think it's time to quit talking and DO MORE. I think I will make that my #1 goal right now so I can start to feel better about my physical self.
H got some sad news today. An old army buddy of his was murdered in a murder/suicide. Very sad. I wasn't sure how recently they had been in touch but he said last time he spoke to him for about an hour or so, unfortunately he had been thinking about calling him since he's been home but hadn't yet.
It is so sad how often you see this type of stuff on the news. I never met him but it hits very close to home.
If you've been thinking about reaching out to someone there is no better time than the present!
It would be so much easier to detach if he were not living here. We get along well, talk and laugh together, attend D13's activities, watch movies or tv and even go out together (alone) sometimes. The other day when he found out his ARMY buddy died I was in the kitchen and he asked me to go out on the lanai so he could show me the news video and we talked about his friend. We discuss politics and people, the kids and family, we talk about his project and his medical (back) issues and everyday stuff.....
BUT, I've realized he doesn't really ask about me, he does show concern when I don't feel well or ask what I'm "teaching" when I work or if I'm running. But, Monday I had an Dr. appt, he looked at his watch because it was earlier than I normally leave and asked where I was going, I told him but he didn't ask anything about it when I got home. Tuesday he asked where I was going (Spring Break so no work) and I told him I was going to a class, he asked "photography?" When I got home he asked "so what did you learn how to focus?" sarcastically. I commented yesterday about having a rough run and he didn't say anything.
So, I guess the point of all of this is me just trying to figure out where I'm at and yes the dreaded "WHY" questions...why is he still here? What is his plan?
He had sent me a text yesterday asking me to pick something up for him on my way home, when I got the text I was almost home so didn't turn around. When I got home he asked if I would got to the store....like an idiot I agreed. I jokingly made the comment "I am sooo good to you!" He laughed and agreed. When I got home he was texting and when I walked outside by him he sat up and finished his text so I couldn't see his phone, and when it vibrated didn't pick it up. So, of course me and my undetached self was not happy, ASSuming he was texting OP, I popped my head out in the garage a few times (to see if he was texting). Again, more pointless questions. What is he getting out of a R that is only via texts and internet? Why would (OW) anybody stay involved with a man who they never see and is living with his wife? etc. etc.
Sometimes I do so well, and other times I feel like I might as well be crying following him around the house begging him to stay.
I'm still doing ok, not a wreck like I was a few weeks ago. Just frustrated with myself and this situation. I think I've also let my guard down a bit and although I need to relax and be myself I also need to be more aware of my actions and reactions. I've been doing things to GAL but feel like I'm a little lost when I'm home with no plans. I keep the house clean and have been doing some yard work but other times (in an attempt to stay off the computer) feel like I'm wasting time and need to find something to do. Time to get in touch with some friends and make some plans to do something too.
Ok, done with my rant now...will try to refocus!
Still flip flopping all over the place as to whether I want to continue down this path. I listened to a podcast on when to give up which always helps. This is extremely difficult emotionally. There are practical, fear based reasons why I want to continue trying to save my marriage, but there are also aspirational reasons that keep me going down this path (even though I don't feel like I'm doing a great job at the DB thing...ugh!)
So this week I've started eating better again (my current weight really was a wake up call of sorts!) Ran with my friend twice this week, have done some yard work a few days, tried a new recipe (it was ok but won't cook it again). Took D13 and friend to movie, they saw SpongeBob I saw Still Alice (pretty depressing). D13 and I went to a state park and walked the trail and I took some pictures for my photography class (oh, went to class too!) and today I met a friend for lunch and walked out on the pier and finally played softball tonight. Not a bad week of GAL!
It's such and interesting dynamic between us. Again, we get along well, he's "sharing" things with me. When I got home tonight (he was on his phone texting) but he started telling me that he has been drinking "a lot" the past few days (which I have noticed) and then we went out to the garage and he showed me all the parts for his jeep that he painted and was filling me on that project. I think it's positive that he is sharing things with me, just like the other day when he learned his friend had died. BUT...he was going to bed and he gave D13 a hug, she then told him to give me a hug and commented that we never hug, he said we do sometimes and went toward "his" room, I jokingly said "he doesn't like me" they both made a comment and he went to bed. I see that as a negative....sigh!
Keep on keeping on.
Wow, see myself heading on that downward spiral. Don't think I'll try to stop myself. I'm not going to do anything rash but definitely am going to stop being so friendly. I thought maybe it was working, now I think I was wrong. I feel like we are definitely back to some of that texting BS again, I of course can't be positive but I have a pretty good feeling. He's grilling dinner and I can see him standing at the grill, back to me texting. I went to bring him a plate and suddenly his phone disappears. I'm done with that. Don't get me wrong, I still don't want a D and I'm not quite ready financially to kick him out of the house, but all the other conversations and watching movies and what not I can't do right now. He obviously knows what he's doing is wrong or he wouldn't be hiding it. I'm tired of pretending to be a "whole" family when we obviously are not and putting my life on hold to wait and see if "he changes his mind." Not to take away what I have been doing for myself, I am a better, happier person overall, still a long way to go but getting there!
I really wish I could get some feedback from a vet...sigh
To end on a positive note I registered for a half marathon! It's not until November but I definitely need the time to train. I hope this will keep me focused and motivated to get back into shape!
You do need some vet feedback! We all do or we wouldn't be here.
Congratulations on the half marathon!
Have you thought about confronting him? Asking him what he wants from the marriage?
Hi Lost,
I am no vet, but I just wanted to reach out. I have not read about your whole sitch, but in the last few posts, there were some things that resonated with me.
You had mentioned concerns about your weight. If you really want to lose weight, then do it for yourself. Don't do it for your WH and don't worry about trying to impress your WH. I know we all want to impress our WSs, but as a LBS, projecting confidence and inner peace (regardless of your weight) will be much more attractive. To do this, you have to recognize that while you are a work in progress, you are already beautiful. I am balding. Compared to your weight issues, there is nothing I can do about my hair (no toupee, no way!!). Sometimes I will look in the mirror and frown, but then I think about my awesome strength (emotional resilience) and the hair issue doesn't bother me so much. I remind myself that some women find bald men MORE attractive. The same can be said about full-bodies women, BTW. So please cheer up and love yourself regardless of your appearance. Besides, compared to effort it takes to DB, shedding a few pounds should be a snap. The 1/2 marathon will help immensely.
I ran a 1/2 marathon a few months after BD and it was a great experience. I also registered for my local 1/2 marathon last week. We can cheer each other on. Maybell has a thread called "
5k training". It has been dormant over the winter. think it is high time we revive it. If the half-marathon has a training program (an app or a some sort of gym membership) I highly recommend that you avail yourself of it.
The temptation to check on what your WH is doing/texting/etc... is very difficult to overcome. I know. It is hard when you are in such close proximity. However, every time I have pried or spied, I have regretted it. It did not make me feel better. It only augmented my desire to pry and spy. It is so very hard to detach. I know. I just wanted to let you know, that you are not alone in these feelings. *hugs*
RAI
"Have you thought about confronting him? Asking him what he wants from the marriage?"
Everyday! The reason I haven't is because I'm afraid nothing has changed and if I do that and get the same answer as in the past than I feel like it will be time for me to give up and I'm not quite ready for that yet. Sigh....
Thanks RAI for your post. I know you're right about doing it for me. Honestly, H has never really had a problem with my weight, I was probably at least this heavy in the past. His issue with my weight has been how it makes me feel and how insecure I was about my body. It's so funny, I want to say I like myself, and I do think I'm a good person, a good friend, funny, smart, outgoing, sensitive & strong, I like the inner me and I know that is way more important than the outer me BUT I want to like the outer me too! I said to my sister that no man (H or otherwise) will be attracted to me if I don't find myself attractive which really isn't about looks at all but confidence!
Good choice on the no toupee btw!!
So the last couple days I have been quiet around the house. Not that I haven't been talking to him, I have but not as much as I have been. Admittedly I was pretty upset Sunday. Monday morning I decided to go for a walk/run and when I got home he had cleaned up the kitchen and was watching TV. I really didn't pay much attention to him except to discuss D13's injury. I mopped around him then grabbed my book and went and laid by the pool to read and get some sun, when I got too hot I went in my room to read. It was my night to take D13 to practice and he actually asked what I had in mind for dinner (nothing) and if I wanted him to pick something (precooked) up from the store. He had the table set and dinner heating up when we got home!
So, I'm just going to try to keep to myself more without seeming angry or cold and see how that works for me. More importantly, I'm trying not to be angry or resentful which is not easy to do right now.
Good choice on the no toupee btw!!
Thanks. My 9th grade math teacher did not have one, then had one, then did not have one again. It was kind of strange seeing him go through the transition. I look back and wonder what he was going through at the time. I am embracing my chrome dome
.
RAI
Feeling sad today. Still keeping my distance somewhat. Haven't asked him about his jeep project, usually when I walk through the garage we'll talk about it, I'll ask questions about it. I barely went out there today except to take the garbage out and ask him if he was eating dinner. As a matter of fact, I didn't start any conversations with him today except about D13 and dealing with her injury. I wonder how much longer he wants to pretend?
I almost think he senses something different. Going to the store andpreparing dinner the other night, cleaning the kitchen the other morning, asked me if I needed anything when he went out today. He even cleaned the kitchen up after dinner tonight too! Not that he never helps clean up but he hasn't been doing a whole lot of that lately and I don't remember the last time he did it in the evening.
Also, tonight I decided to sit on the couch in "his spot" and watch a show I wanted to watch instead of finding something I knew he would like too. I think I just need to continue distancing myself some, obviously I can't completely considering the situation. I'm a little torn, obviously I want to get along and be friends but I think I'm giving too much of myself.
Ok, I also feel like I'm talking in circles a bit so I'm going to bed now.
You sound on the right track to me. Sleep well!
Make that 2. I wouldn't get to discouraged. Relationships are seesaws. The more one person puts in, the less the other has too. Perhaps, he does sense your recent withdrawal and is trying to step up.
Well, I should've added that I don't think he is doing it "for me" as much as I think he's trying to keep the peace (for lack of a better term). I'm stuck on this why question today: "why does he think this is ok?" Does he really think what he is doing is good for anybody? For him I guess...he gets to have the comforts of his home and family and whatever it is he thinks he's getting from her. I would like to be able to move forward with my life too (I want him in it as my H, but want to move on one way or another).
He was outside (sitting) with D13 (cleaning up the boat) and went out to see if she had homework to do, he didn't hear me walk out there and was on his phone texting when I walked up next to him. Later I went out and was sitting out by the pool and he came out to grab a beer and just looked at me didn't say anything. D16 came out a little later and assumed something was the matter so he probably did too...not like I was out there crying or anything, just chillin'!
Anyway, wasn't in a great mood, spent the afternoon with D13 at the orthopedic clinic just to say "it's likely this is the problem but she needs an MRI." Then to the dentist with both girls to learn D16 needs some serious dental work. Then stuck in traffic on the way home because there was an accident in a construction zone! The worst part of all of that was I got home too late to go for my Thursday run! I could have really used that today.
I'm kind of at a new stage here so I think I need figure out what my actions/interactions should be like. Today I think he might think I was mad or upset and that is NOT my goal. So, just have to find my way and continue to be patient. Even though I think he is one of the ones that is not going to change his mind, I have to look at some of the other examples here (25, labug, starsky) and understand how much time it really can take.
On the bright side it didn't snow where you are (on the first day of spring mind you).
I honestly have no good advice.
Just hope & hugs (())!
That is why I live in the Sunshine State! Although I do miss the seasons sometimes, especially fall and the colors and even the snow....just not the months of cold that go with it!
Have the house to myself today, H took D13 to her tournament to support her team although she can't play and D16 is never home anymore
. Should try to do something useful but am just being lazy on the computer now...
That is why I live in the Sunshine State!
Send some our way! It snowed on the first day of Spring. I am ready for sunshine! We are going to have snow on the ground into April.
I feel like I'm at a standstill and not sure what to do next. Have been listening to several podcasts and rereading DR. Reflecting I know I still have to work on my interactions with H, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells sometimes.
Every time I see him on his phone I still want to smash it! I know this is all on me and I need to find a way to stop letting it affect me. I am able to talk myself down when I find myself dwelling on it.
We are just in this holding pattern, no move toward reconciling, no move toward D!
We are going north again this summer and he has told his sister and her family as well as his brother that they can stay at our place. It's going to be a tight squeeze! I'm fine with that I just wish he would've maybe asked me first. I told him that my brother and niece were staying there too (they aren't) and he was like "I wish you would've said something to me" Really?!?!?! Hmmmm...I wonder where he is planning on sleeping...
Oh, also said we don't have enough "4-wheelers" for everybody so he was thinking about buying another one! What?!?!
Of course it's tax time, we did have some issues with them but we got it fixed and we are actually getting a return for once! He's so weird with money now (basically it's his, he does give me money for bills, groceries and such but he buys whatever he wants with "his" money). Anyway, I asked him if he had plans for the taxes (I figured he was planning on jeep parts) and told him there were some things I was hoping to do...I'm excited I'm finally getting a desk for the office and new carpet for D16's and "his" bedroom! So I was happy that he was willing to spend $$ for home improvement.
Ok, enough about things I don't understand and have control over....
Have worked all week and actually seem to be getting a bit more work...at least until summer!
I have started my gratitude list again, I really need to focus on what I DO have. Along with that I made a list of the reason's I want to save my marriage, bottom line is I still love my H and I do see potential for us to have a great marriage but of course that will take both of us. Just reinforcing that I am doing this for the right reasons and not only out of fear. I also made a list of some things I want to do for GAL, I am just going to have to make the time to do the ones I can and stop putting my life on hold.
So this should be an interesting weekend, H's friend (the one he was going to go visit a few weeks ago) is here for the weekend...I wonder how much he knows about what's going on here and if he knows about OW. oops...more I can't control!
So H, his friend and D13 went out on the boat fishing today. H asked if I wanted to go (I really did) I said I would love to but have things to do around the house. I think that is the first time I've said no to an invite....not that I get a ton.
So this is probably one of H's closest friends, they've know each other since 84 and I'm not sure he even knows what is going on. H is still sleeping in the other room which I would think he thinks is weird. I've pretty much left them alone to hang out, last night I went in the garage with them for a little bit. We were talking about boating and cruises, friend asked if we've ever been on a cruises. I made the comment that we've talked about going but never have, friend replies that it would probably be easy for "us" living where we live.
My sister said something along the lines of it being hard to tell people about it when you're not convinced, or telling people would make it real.
Oh well, I'm guessing anyway and again have not control over what he does.
Going to finish getting my desk together and get the office situated and the house cleaned up before I have a house full again.
Have a great weekend everybody!
Ok, feeling guilty because I ate so crappy this weekend and did not exercise at all. OK, I'll be easy on myself because I wasn't feeling very well today...but I didn't get a ton accomplished. I got my new desk set up and started going thru the all the "stuff!" That is one thing on my be a better you that I have not done very well...the getting organized. Baby steps!
H's friend left this morning, H was a little sad to see him go. He is not a very open/trusting person so does not have many close friends. Part of me was happy to see him laugh as much as they did this weekend, the other part of me wishes we would laugh like that together.
When they were out fishing he sent a couple of pictures to me, I always like it when he texts me and it isn't necessary. He has been doing a lot of drinking lately, but even more so this weekend with his buddy. The amount of drinking he does does bother me a little bit, not that he gets mean or out of control at all (sometimes a little annoying) but he has told me that the reason he drank was to "escape" me an S19 (when he was younger). That was always a big fight with us, I thought he was too hard, he thought I was too easy, I was overprotective, etc. He has also said he drank because he was stressed out about the future and how he was going to be able to support us because I didn't seem to care (something along those lines). Realistically I know it's his choice to drink and he can't really put that burden on me...but it's always in he back of my mind when he's drinking.
And of course I'm still hung up on his phone....he left it out when he went to bed last night, not that I have the password or have attempted to figure it out but I did look to see if there were any messages or anything....nothing. Tonight, I went out to the garage to ask him something and he was texting and started laughing. He walked over to me to talk and turned his phone so I could see it (not like here look, but casually)....he's never done that before, or maybe he is always texting OW....
Lost -
The phone & the OW is a constant topic for you and point of struggle. You have convinced yourself that there is an OW, and substantiated some of that with snooping from January and before. I think it is important for you to come to terms with the idea that you could be wrong, and that perhaps there is no other woman, or at least anymore.
Have you ever had a calm rationale conversation with him about it?
You're right Mahhhty, as a matter of fact I told my IC today that my obsession with him and his phone is ridiculous. I know that, and I know I need to let it go...my IC really didn't have any suggestions on how to do that. But she always seems very positive about the progress in our sitch. Funny, because as an insider I don't see a whole lot of progress. Patience, patience and more patience.
Wasn't feeling great yesterday, came home from work today with a terrible headache! (darn middle schoolers!) Feeling better now but I eat horribly when I don't feel well. Need to get back on track with eating (as I eat another chocolate chip cookie) and exercise! Tomorrow is a new day!
Its really hard to see progress in our situations because we are on the roller coaster distracted by the emotional excitement, the ups and downs, etc. However, when the roller coaster slows down we realize we are miles away from where we started.
I think you have made great progress.
I also think that in those times when you feel down and/or obsessed with his phone, you need to start thinking about how to effectively communicate what you want from the relationship to him. It seems that you need to understand if he wants to move into the future holding your hand or walking next to you, as opposed to walking behind. I believe that may be a 180 for you and him.
Again, I will follow that up with that you have made progress! And you should be honest with yourself about that progress, and it's positive impact.
I am burnt out! Subbing for rough group (not inner city gangs or anything) just not focused, rude, disrespectful, immature etc. Anyway, just makes me tired and cranky. After work I run then go to the store and when I get home the house is a mess, kitchen is dirty and I spend another hour or more cooking dinner. Frustrated and cranky! I was also annoyed because I texted H to see if he wanted me to pick up some beer for him...he of course responds but 10 minutes later when I text him to see if we have something I need he doesn't respond. As I was cooking/cleaning I went out in the garage a few times to empty garbage and such and he was texting once...no big deal BUT I hate the way he looks up and laughs when I walk out and he's texting...I'm over it. I know you're right Mahhhty. I'm going to have to address it soon or let it go.
Later we were watching TV and I was still crabby but trying not to act on that crabbiness. I did spend some time reflecting though. Yes I was tired from working (not use to working this much anymore) I haven't been feeling well. However, I came home to a dirty kitchen and still "had" to cook dinner. The reality of it is that I chose to cook that dinner, I could have made grilled cheese or something simple. The bigger issue is I have too many expectations, not just of H but of my kids. Not only do I have these expectations but I'm being passive-aggressive about it. Instead of asking them to help, I get frustrated and angry because they've been home (all day/hours) and DON'T do anything or offer to help.
Since I was tired I went to bed without cleaning the kitchen! Put the food away and rinsed the dishes...H was cleaning the kitchen this morning when I left!
Now that I've written that down I need to change my behavior and try not to let my crabbiness roll into all parts of my life. I have always done that...if I'm mad at one kid the others can't do anything right either.
New goals
1)ask for help around the house when needed
2)don't let crabbiness about one thing take over all of my interactions
3)keep things simple if I'm tired, frustrated or angry
Rough day Lost! Something my DB coach said once is when you feel like [expletive], take a minute and ask yourself what do you want to do in order to turn this day around? Or what could you do right now to make yourself happier.
I hope today is better.
I am so all over the map emotionally. I'm glad he's here but it is so hard at the same time. I guess I'm not doing a very good job DBing. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.
Here is a little run down on some things that happened. Friday, he left his phone on the counter all day....wow!
I am doing a Ragnar Relay and his sister is the captain, we had the first team meeting at her house Friday. She told me to tell H to come drink beer. I told him what was going on but I guess he didn't listen because he was not happy when we got to her house and other people were there. (He does tend to be unsocial). Anyway, we were discussing the race, SIL's H is not running but he is going as well as some other spouses. Apparently H is going to go to. This is in FEB 2016...
SIL was talking about getting a reservation for a B & B after the race and asked me if we were going to stay there too? I just shrugged my shoulders and was like no clue, so she said we'll play it by ear.
Later, after everybody else left we started talking about my brother's ex and how long the D drug out and how nasty it was. SIL said something about how if her H cheated on her she would take him for everything (something along those lines). H was like "really? you would do that?" to which she replied absolutely, if he cheated on me. I did not say a word but thought that was interesting!
Today, I said my next project is going to be to paint the front door, neither H or D13 liked the color I said. Then H said I should go to Home Depot and buy one and we talked about one with a window to let some light in. A couple hours later he says, "I thought you were going to paint the door." WTF?
Then, continues to say that "I" should look into getting the windows tinted. (Can't remember exactly what he said but it was like "I" should do it, not we) I just responded "I love how you say that "I" should do that. He knows I can't really afford to do stuff like that unless he pays for it.
Later I def did not do a good job DBing....hanging out in the garage, to the point he had to take his phone to the lot next door by the boat to text. Grr.....
D16 is sick, she said she's been nauseous for a few days and was throwing up today. Of course I asked if she was pregnant (I didn't really think she was) and he said the same thing. Then we started talking about that and honestly the way he said he would handle it I did not agree with it. But it lead into another conversation about our past, when we dated the first time (5 years prior to dating again and getting married). I was asking him questions and he got mad...it was a little weird. I guess he thought I was trying to "get him to open up." He took his phone and went out in the garage, I went out there a few minutes later just to say I didn't intend to make him mad. So def should have handled that better, guess it was unexpected. Later he came in and was fine and we watched TV.
I think I need to have a conversation with him. If he is still planning on moving forward with a D than maybe he just needs to do it. Why is he dragging this out. I don't get it. I am in need of physical affection and yes sex.
I know it is against DB to bring up R talk, but does anybody have any advice how to have that conversation should I decided too?
Here are some things I figured out today: The reason I believe he got upset yesterday is because the conversation was too personal. We can talk about the kids, politics, family, sports, other people etc. But not anything personal like that...I guess there is pros and cons to that...the fact that he was upset could mean that he does actually care or maybe he just is not willing to get personal with me anymore. I know, I know, stop focusing on him...easy to say, hard to do.
Also, I think part of the reason I'm having such a hard time is because I have no idea what is working and what isn't. Or, maybe nothing is working. He's all over the map with some things but has been pretty constant with the no physical contact and sleeping in separate rooms since day 1.
Today I came home from running and he was in the yard with a sales guy from TruGreen lawn. He scheduled them to come do our lawn. We had talked about this a couple of years ago and he didn't want to spend the money (he was making much more $$ then!) I'm excited that we may get a lawn back but again it's one of those things that I just don't get but will go with it.
Going to try to continue to GAL more. I have a pretty busy week, working all week again. I ran tonight, HS softball game tomorrow, run Wed, a bbq at the beach with friends on Thurs and I should have a softball game on Friday.
I think I need to have a conversation with him. If he is still planning on moving forward with a D than maybe he just needs to do it. Why is he dragging this out. I don't get it. I am in need of physical affection and yes sex.
I know it is against DB to bring up R talk, but does anybody have any advice how to have that conversation should I decided too?
Lost -
I've been hit or miss lately, but I have been thinking about you. I wish things were going better for your situation.
I'm going to be honest... I think you should talk to him, but I don't think you have able to talk to him rationally in a detached mode, which I think would be more effective (Obviously this is all just my thoughts). He holds the card, he knows that and you know that. He still holds the card b/c his actions have impact or your immediate state.
It might be time to come up with some questions you want to ask him, and talk them out on the board.
Yes, you're right I am no where near detached. Does he hold the cards? Yes and no. He does to a point, he knows D isn't what I want which allows him to continue with what he's doing. On the other hand, I can make him show his hand...I'm choosing not to at this point because I'm not ready.
Definitely need to keep working on me. Going to focus on more GAL. I went to a BBQ at the beach last night and saw friends I haven't seen in a while. That's always nice.
H had taken D13 to practice as as always she texts me "what's for dinner?" on their way home. I told he I wasn't home and she asked where I was. I gave her short answers. When I got home I went in the garage to talk to H (D13 had her 1st physical therapy appointment for a knee injury) about her appt. She came out and started asking who was at the BBQ. Was so and so there? He must have only heard the last couple of names and asked "oh, was it with your running friends?" I simply said "no," and went in the house.
Tonight I have a softball game and will probably go out with some teammates afterwards as usual. I have nothing planned for the weekend besides cleaning my house and maybe some yard work and grocery shopping. I'm not used to working full-time and I've been subbing everyday for the past few weeks. I should make a point to do at least one fun thing this weekend! Also, talked to some of my friends last night and we are going to plan a girls night (Painting with a Twist!).
It is H's birthday on Saturday. I'm sure the girls will want to get him something and we'll get a cake and and maybe go to dinner...not sure yet.
Hopefully the weekend will bring good things for everybody!
What are you going to do for his birthday?
No plans. I will get a cake but other than that I'm going to let the kids drive that ship.
Is that different than normal?
hmmm...I really have to think about normal. He has been overseas for the past 6 years so we really didn't do anything for his birthday. In hind sight I of course wish I would have. He was never big into his birthday and usually buys whatever he wants so very difficult to get gifts for. Of course, again in hind sight there are things (sexy things) I wish I would have done, especially when he was overseas. Oh well, can only look forward. When he turned 40 I threw a surprise party for him...I think maybe letting the kids drive the train (not ship, I knew that sounded wrong) is different. I usually would be the one asking him what he wanted and suggesting going to dinner.
Other than ignoring it all together, which I won't do because that is not who I am, or making a huge deal of it and buying gifts, also wouldn't feel right, I'm not sure what else might be different.
Don't have much time right now, just wanted to put some quick thoughts down.
We went to dinner last night for H's bday (whole family) Sometimes I'm just not sure I even want to save this M, mostly because I just don't think he will ever look at himself and his role and change his behaviors toward me and I definitely want more. I know I'm no where near that point yet so I shouldn't worry about it. Also, I can forgive the affair because I know it was a symptom of or R, but it is becoming more and more difficult to forgive the way he is treating me now. I know I am going to have to reach deep inside myself to give that forgiveness and I'm struggling with that right now.
Also, I don't think I used the opportunity I had very well. Not that I did anything bad, I just think I could've used the time better. I guess I was a little annoyed with him, sometimes I don't like him very much. I can't quite explain it, just annoying. Which honestly probably wouldn't have bothered me before all this BS....sigh
Today I found myself in tears. A fellow DBer has given me an amazing gift. Although I can't be 100% sure, I'm pretty sure I know who that amazing person is. Words can't express how thankful and touched I am. I just want you to know that it will not go to waste! <3 <3 <3
I have to say this gift couldn't come at a better time. I probably needed it long ago but just financially couldn't do it.
I feel like I'm back on the downward spiral of frustration and resentment. I know I am still focusing too much on his actions, little things especially with his computer or phone really irritate me. I'm flipping him the bird and saying "F you" behind walls. Not where I want to be. I will breathe deep before I go home today, I am running so that should help.
I did do a little GAL this weekend. There was a festival and I went. D16 wasn't home and D13 didn't want to go so I went by myself. Mixed feelings about that. On one hand I am proud of myself for going, in the past I would not have gone to something like this alone. On the other hand it was kind of depressing. There are some things that are more enjoyable with somebody else.
Last night I went shopping to find some work clothes, I've been working quite a bit lately and have a very small wardrobe. I was trying to find something different, a dress or skirt. I didn't find much but I did buy new perfume!
How are you?
You have resentment BC you blame him for things? What do you blame him for?
Something's are better with other people. But enjoying them is better than wishing you had.
I do blame him for lots of things. I'm trying to take ownership for my part but sometimes I feel a lot of regret and find myself saying "If I would have," and I know that doesn't do me any good.
I resent that I feel he has always been selfish as far as doing things, if he didn't want to do something than very rarely would he do it.
I resent that I never felt like his priority, because he didn't make me his priority.
I resent that he let fixable things ruin our marriage.
I resent that whenever we tried to have a real conversation about wants and needs, it always lead back to sex making me think sex was always the problem.
I resent that he left me for 6 years and then came back and dumped me. absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
I resent that he went looking for someone else.
I resent that he gave up.
Mostly, I resent that he is here, in our home, doing what he is doing. My life is on hold (as far as having a fulfilling relationship). I know I'm allowing it, but I do resent him for it.
I'm not sure I've ever written that out before. The thing is I know there is nothing I can do about my resentment except let it go...why am I having such a hard time with that?
Ok, so tonight H comes in the kitchen and starts talking to me excited about what he bought today (a cigarette roller). Takes me out to the lanai and shows everything to me and explains how it works and then shows me....sharing his excitement even over something simple with me...
But, I totally blew it later in the evening. We were at the dinner table and he brings up our trip this summer. Says "we need to sh!t or get off the pot" about making our decision on the logistics. (I chuckled about the "sh!t or get off the pot" and said oh really). Basically talking about if we are driving or flying and timeframe. D16 gets upset because I said we were leaving after the 4th because of D13's sport schedule. So I asked him what his plan was and he states he is driving by himself because he is stopping places on the way to pick up parts for his jeep project so he's pulling the trailer, oh and by the way he's taking my vehicle. Ok, so when are you planning on going. Well, his family (that he invited to stay at our place without even discussing it with me first) is going to be there on the 22nd and we need to be there before that so he's thinking about going up there around the 1st and staying a couple of months. The first thing I said is if you're going before the 4th take D16 with you. But I was visibly pissed, and he called me on it to which I replied "must be nice to be able to go for a couple of months and not worry about your family down here." He made some comment about of course I'd still worry about them, and was grumbling about giving him a guilt trip as he was walking out the door, so I made a comment about walking away while we were talking.
I also mentioned his surgery and recovery time and physical therapy and how that would play in to all of this...
It was fine a little later, he came in and gave me a glare but it was in jest and I started laughing and when I was watching TV he came and sat down and watched with me.
So, I know I handled that poorly, probably similar to how I would have in the past. Honestly, this is something he would have done before BD and I would have handled it the same.
So here's some reasons that I've decided I'm pissed about it:
-obviously he's given no thought to the girls (or me which I shouldn't expect but still hope for)
-he's leaving me to take care of everything again and quite honestly it's been nice to not have to do everything by myself and to be ok doing things and not feeling guilty for leaving the kids alone (even tho they are plenty old enough)
-I'm jealous because I would love to stay up there for a couple of months
-also, I have a hard time taking a long weekend but it's no problem for him to go for a couple of months....
I have a coaching session tomorrow but I'm guessing I should just let this go.
Oh, I also mentioned that if he was driving my vehicle up there then we wouldn't need to rent a car. He said why not? We're going to need vehicles especially with everybody (his family) being up there.
So I should rent a car to make it easier on his family? His sister has already rented a car. I will admit it was easier having 2 vehicles last summer but also a lot more $$.
But then again he also mentioned buying another ATV because we won't have enough when everybody is there. So we should buy another ATV because for 10 days every 5 years we won't have enough?
Maybe I'll suggest that D16 and I fly up before the 4th and he can drive up with D13 after her tournament mid-july.
It's hard to make family plans with an H that wants to be a family but not a couple....
Those were three tough posts my friend.
It's hard to make family plans with an H that wants to be a family but not a couple.
I am going to ask another open ended question... What do you want?
More tough questions...I will answer, just not tonight. I have a little homework to do from my coaching session. Turns out I'm not too far off with a lot of what I've been doing, have lots of questions for next time though.
Patience, Patience, Patience!
I loved my coach. I honestly wished I could have bought her coffee and talk to her all day. I have one more session that I should probably use at some point although it is unclear to me at what point it will be useful. Sorry sidebar over... Good luck! And have a good weekend!
Weekends are never long enough. My coach said I should compliment H everyday or every other day. Harder to do than I thought. I am trying, today I was able to compliment him on how impressed I was with his ability to rebuild his jeep. (I really am...but he kind of shrugged it off, guess he's not used to getting compliments from me.)
I have more thoughts, but cant string them together intelligently right now, I'm tired.
OK weekend, spent lots of time together. Will try to update tomorrow.
So maybe a brief update.
One of the issues we've had in our marriage is we haven't really supported each other when it comes to the kids. Although, I may not have done a stellar job I was able to do a what I guess I can call a 180.
D13 has been injured and not playing with her team although she goes to most practices and tournaments. Instead of wearing the full uniform she only wears her jersey. So the conversation between her and I went something like this:
D13: I don't want to wear my whole uniform tomorrow
M: ok, so don't
D13: Dad said I have to.
M: Why? You haven't been, I don't see why you have to if you're not playing.
Fast forward to dinner the conversation comes up again.
Not sure exactly how it went but D13 says something about NOT wearing her full uniform.
H says yes you are and I ask him why.
He says she's part of the team and that's the uniform
D13 again says she's not going to wear full uniform
I said yes she was and she argued saying I told her she didn't have to.
I responded along the lines of that was before I knew how dad felt and I'm supporting his decision. (she wasn't happy).
So although this is a minor thing and I didn't start out great I was at least able to turn it around and stand together with H.
I'm still struggling a bit with our interactions, do I say good morning (he's usually on the lanai in the mornings and I don't normally go out there) do I say good bye. I guess I'm just confused, these are things I will have to ask in my next coaching session.
H did ask me why I was so pissed about him going North for a couple months, I said I thought about it and a big part of it was I was jealous that I can't go up there for that long. He said that's kind of what he thought, so we talked and agreed that D16 and I will go up earlier and he will drive up with D13 after her tournament. So, although I still feel like we are planning separate vacations together, I am planning on enjoying my vacation!
I've read a success story a few times where the H states that he stayed friends with his WAW through separation and her being involved with OM and eventually being friends worked out for the best. I feel like H and I truly are friends, (although I want much more I just need to continue to be patient). He shares things with me, about his project, politics, family, his old buddies...we have a new inside joke and laugh about it...there are some positives. I just need to continue making changes for me...which I admit is not always easy to do, but I do think the biggest thing is taking care of myself as far as my depression and other medical issues.
Purpose, passion, patience and perseverance!
I could use a little help. Part of what my coach told me to do is to compliment H everyday or every other day. I am finding this difficult to do because what comes to mind is usually something related to finding him attractive. I don't know if I should go that route or not. I can find lots of ways to show appreciation to him but that is different than complimenting him.
Any suggestions on how to give compliments without pursuing? Or should I not worry about if it would be seen as pursuing? I think if I say something about him still being sexy or attractive or looking good that is pursuit....so confused!
I think you did a great job with supporting his uniform decision! It wasn't what you really wanted, but it supported him, which is the job.
I was thinking about sex starved marriages about how it is a never-ending cycle. The man wants to have sex to feel connected, and the woman wants to feel connected before having sex. In that light, I think it is great to tell him "you look good in that shirt" or "I always thought that was sexy when you do _______" perhaps work on the jeep. I wouldn't over do the good looking sexy compliments save them, and pair them for days when you look good, smell good, etc. Get him to start to think about sex.
Other things that always made me feel good as a man...
- Comments about being a good father, looking good, ability to save money by fixing things, perhaps cooking outside on the grill, or perhaps any traits that I like about myself... being adventurous, resourceful, etc
Another way to compliment him, is to do like backhanded comments
- Oh thats wonderful... how did you fix that? how did you figure that out?
- I totally agree with that discussion you had with D, I wanted to tell you that
Hopefully this helps. This is also a good article, google "6 Kinds Of Compliments Men Would Love To Hear More Often."
Thanks Mahhhty, I will def bookmark that article. I was able to compliment him today. It is getting hot here, therefore the garage, where he works on the jeep, is getting hot. I came home today and he was standing in front of a 5 gallon bucket that he had made into an air conditioner that he is running on a battery that he charged with his solar panels! It's pretty neat, he says it works great and the garage was nice and cool earlier! I told him how cool I thought it was and how crafty he was. I was also able to reinforce that later at dinner expressing to the girls how crafty their dad is! Also, he grilled the chicken so I threw "good chicken" out there too...it was good, not giving fake compliments!
I may have screwed up, can't be sure he knows. He has his old iPhone (from last summer) out in the garage on a speaker, I had asked him before what the password is so I could listen to music when I was out there. He wouldn't give it to me "it's my old phone" which I of course took as there is stuff on there he doesn't want me to see. I of course have tried to figure out the password since. He had it charging on the counter and I again took some guesses at the password...it disables after so many attempts and you have to wait X minutes to try again. This evening when I came home it was gone, not back in the garage either. If he entered the wrong password he would have figured out that I attempted to get on it. Of course I did some mind reading and just knew he was mad about it...:) So he may or may not know that I tried to snoop but the lesson is SNOOPING DOES NOT PAY!
"So he may or may not know that I tried to snoop but the lesson is SNOOPING DOES NOT PAY!"
Girl... I'm going to say sorry in advance... Sorry... You know that isn't who you are. That is on you. If you truly want to know the answers, ask the hard questions. Directly, bluntly and ready yourself for some hard answers.
The sad part is that I know anything I may have found on that phone is old news...like July 2014 old...so I may have found multiple OW's or pics of him physically with an OW....not sure what I was even hoping to find. I don't know if I've ever mentioned this, but I have the name and phone number of the woman he had/has some sort of A with from the UK. And I may or may not be connected to her on LinkedIn...I've had this information since July 2014 and she requested to connect on LinkedIn in Dec. I have done nothing with it...but I have it.
If he knows that I tried to snoop he hasn't and won't say anything because he doesn't want the conversation either...maybe for different reasons.
I'm not ready for the hard questions because I'm still holding on to hope that we can turn this around and if I ask he'll have to answer, and although he is not moving forward with a D he hasn't decided against it either.
I guess if I ask the question "is asking the hard questions going to get me closer to my goal?" I'm not sure that the answer is yes, as my goal is still to save my marriage, therefore I can't ask the questions right now.
So, it is what it is...for now.
Hmmm you've been holding out on me Lost.
I think you snoop b/c you are expecting to find something and you are trying to control the situation. However, on the flip side you haven't done anything with the other woman's information and won't ask the tough questions yet. So perhaps you don't want to know.
You have already assumed that he had an A and you are still there. Why would asking the harder questions change your mind frame?
Actually I think I'm hoping to find nothing, because then I think there is more hope for saving this M, or if there is more than one woman he is talking to less chance he is "serious" when any of them. I know I'm twisted.
As far as contacting the OW this is something I've gone back and forth with many, many times. I think there are a few reasons I haven't, the big one is she could tell H and that wouldn't help me right now. Part of it is I don't want to know details. Also, if I chose to contact her in someways I would have expectations and it would be about controlling the situation. (ie. assuming she doesn't know he's married or living at home...if she found out she would end it).
As far as asking the harder questions it isn't anything about his A. I know he had at the very least and EA, probably at least a short lived PA (unconfirmed and denied, but I doubt people communicate for months with provocative pictures and spend 3-4 days together without having a PA). Again, I can forgive him for that as I understand it is a symptom not the problem. Not saying it would be easy to work thru if he decides to reconcile but that I am willing to try.
The reason I'm not asking the harder questions is because I feel like I've seen some progress, but it doesn't mean that he has changed his mind or has any confusion about what he wants or any intention of ever reconciling. So...if I ask the hard questions and his answer is "nothing has changed, I want a D" at that point I feel like I would have to force the issue of telling the kids and him moving out and moving down a path I don't want. Not knowing I can be ok continuing in this limbo (for now).
On another note, I'm totally mind reading, feeling like he's been a little more distant than usual. Of course I have my assumptions as to why but I'm trying not to let it affect me because I could be wrong. DETACH DETACH DETACH...wish it was easier.
I hear you lost. I think you should make sure that your actions match up with your feelings, aka no more snooping!
How was your weekend? Any softball or running?
That's a good way to put it.
Not a whole lot to update. Weekend was ok, I did play softball Friday night and out with some of the team afterwords. Got a nice bruise to prove it!
Saturday I continued with some yard work from the previous weekend (H had asked if he raked the back yard if I would rake the front). I did my part and even some of the back. He did start raking but then decided to fix the sprinklers so I was able to help him with that. I was also able to give him another compliment: "I love that you are so handy and are able to fix things when they are broken" or something along those lines. He didn't respond at all. But I will keep giving them as long as they are sincere.
Sunday I cleaned the kitchen and refrigerator and went grocery shopping so nothing exciting. He did bring up staying up North longer and commented that it pisses me off. I said that it's nice having him here so I don't have to do everything alone. I maybe should have just left it at like having him here...
Had an appt with my IC yesterday, I think at this point it's more of just a place to talk, her only advice is to look for opportunities and plant seeds. I made an appt for a month out, I don't want to stop all together yet, I'm not sure if the other shoe is going to drop or he will put them back on and tie them.
Been subbing long term so have been busy, not used to it and haven't quite figured out how to get everything done, but am maintaining at least keeping the house neat and cooking dinner a few nights a week.
So all in all nothing has really changed...still plugging along!
My friend couldn't run tonight so we are running tomorrow instead....
That sounds good! It sounds like the two of you still do a lot of things together. Remember that is a positive thing!
We do do a lot together which is good but also makes this really difficult...especially in regard to detaching.
I was a little upset with him on Sat (didn't let him know that). I was busting my but doing yard work and he went to home depot, I texted him and asked him to get me a gatorade. He came home with 2 diet cokes but no gatorade. I asked if he got me one and all he said was "oh, no." Pissed me off...apparently more than I thought because it's thursday and I felt the need to post that. Grr
The other morning he came into the bathroom while I was getting ready...doesn't do that often. He brushed his teeth but also was talking about the news with me...just like married couples do. sigh
Yesterday I got home from running about 6pm and H and the girls were like we're going out to eat. I of course needed a shower because I was dripping sweat, D16 was like just change and wash your face (eww) and H was like oh and get ready so that'll take like 45 minutes. I told them I didn't have to go just bring me something back. D13 had my back tho, she was like she takes a quick shower and wanted to wait for me.
I got ready fairly quickly and didn't stress, even went out with my hair wet (I hate doing that, just put it up). I guess that was kind of a 180 for me.
I saw a male acquaintance of mine while out, his girlfriend works for a radio station and gave us 4 tickets to a concert at the fairgrounds for an old country group. H was like cool, Is it ok if I take 2 and see if SIL and BIL want to go too. Heck yeah! Unfortunately they will be out of town...hopefully we will still go, maybe take the girls or find another couple to go.
This weekend we are going to a minor league baseball game, D13's team sold tickets as a fundraiser and we are working the concession stand. In-laws and some friends are going too, and of course several other family and friends from the team.
Ok, I'm sure you will whack me for this but here goes.....
Again with the phone, the last 2 nights he has been texting and told D13 not to lay with him (she does every night). I keep telling myself that it could be anyone, I text frequently. It's just when he seems to be hiding it that it bugs the sh!t out of me! Considering the time it may be different woman now if that's what he's doing....
I know, that's what happens when A) you're not detached and B)have expectations.
Lost...
Many of the items you identified below could be spun in a good light and could be looked at as progression.
Except for the cell phone bit. How are you going to get over this hurdle?
ok, so I'm freaking out a bit...not sure why except I've been saying that if he's involved with someone else it's limited because he is always home.
On my way home from softball and dinner tonight D13 calls me in tears because she is "scared" because she is home alone. It's about 1130. Apparently H went out and still isn't home and has not answered her calls or even opened her texts. It's almost midnight now....this is really late for him.
When I left for my game I forgot something and came back in the house and he was on his phone. D13 said he showered and went out. This on top of the later texting...I don't know if I can keep doing this.
he's home...a little drunk. D13 is pissed, she was worried something happened to him because he didn't answer her calls or texts. A$$hole.