I figured I should make a new thread for those of you that do like to keep up with my life.
I had IC today and H went Monday. C said that H is very angry with me and is miserable with his life and blames me for that. That he believes he gave a good effort and nothing changed so he's done.
As far as home. I'm still adapting my STFU. H is still coming home late. I'm not asking or prodding and the boys and I have stayed busy. We started a list of projects the house that is fun for them and gets our yard cleaned up while its nice out. Our first one that as started yesterday was busing a firepit.
The C said H sees a divorce as his only way to be happy.
He wants me to go home and ask him to come with me next week and that I'm hopeful for our M and I love him. I'm still thinking on that one.
Anyway. I said I was going to take a break so I am trying to break my habit of coming here and posting so much but I didn't want you think I forgot about any of you.
I missed you too Train!!! I didn't want to seem like I was leaving on a bad note or because of anyone or thing in particular
Oh and Cat ... I read chapter 12 of HWHW the other night.
I also took the advice of the C. I called H on my way home to ask him how his day was and to tell him his idea to bring in Oreos for S3's show and tell was a hit. So I said like the C kept insisting I do ... C and I had a really good meeting and I feel really hopeful for the future. He had us down for next Thursday together I hope you can be there. He said okay.
So I came home, gave him a kiss when he met me at the door (180 and a complaint from him). Kissed the boys got them to bed. He's out on the couch as usual lately but I'm going to leave it be as I have.
C said he believes next meeting will be a make it or break it and he feels a lot of pressure on him to help us.
T, I could offer a bunch of rambling (I'm notorious for it, ya know), but I just wrote a novel in cat's Hen House thread and my brain is fried. I might have more later. Meanwhile, please: stay consistent for at least a month in any new approach you try.
I like today's approach, as long as H isn't in an A. And we've decided we are confident he isn't, right?
If H doesn't immediately reciprocate? It's likely because he's timid and he doesn't believe this change is real. (And on the flip-side, you shouldn't make a change in yourself that you can't make sustainable - i.e. permanent.)
You know I like this light and breezy - yet "unattached" - approach while H has one foot out the door ...
Stick with it a while, no matter what H hurls your way. He might try to test you. Stay resolved. This is for YOU and your peace and happiness. xoxo
I can stick with it
However I'm not sure about an affair. I don't THINK but I don't know. Nothing on Facebook. He intermittently sleeps with his phone in his pocket. That is the ONLY thing that's throwing me red flags (well that and his behavior change)
I'm not sure how to deal with it. I think I will say nothing but it's eating away at me. I know he will make an excuse or blow up at me if I say something. It is difficult to go about being as if when he's sleeping wth his phone in his pocket.
Thanks Train
I said I was going to take a break so I am trying to break my habit of coming here and posting so much
Smoking is a habit to break.
Journaling/posting here is not, stick around.
If you do take a break from the board, please come back to tell us how things are going. So many people leave without any closure to their stitch, and we never know what happened.
I see a lot of my younger self in you, TO. What I mean, is we react to our H's the same way. We both wanted them to be what they weren't.
Learning a new way is really tough, but you can do it. I like you a lot (and not b/c you remind of myself....lol). I pray that things will go well.
Thanks guys
So Sandi what would you do in the situation of the phone? Continue to leave it be? Am I wasting my time with my H if he's never going to change?
Am I wasting my time with my H if he's never going to change?
Can I ask how long is never?
I was implying to him being something he isn't ... When she said we want them to be something they aren't.
Oh, but to directly answer your question:
I don't know how I would handle the phone issue. The problem is if pressed too hard, he can just run out and get a tracfone/boost/etc. Then you get to see the "clean" phone, and he has the potential do "dirty things" on another. So who becomes the winner there?
We talk here about love tanks and filling them, I think there is such a think as a trust tank.... and yours is empty. Keep working toward filling it.
It's just hard to fill when he's sleeping with the phone in his pocket.
I'm just going to bring it up in counseling if it continues to be an issue
Hey, I said we were too much alike. Maybe I'm not the one to ask.
Seriously, I am trying to take into account what the fellows have said from their point of view in how men are. We girls will never understand why they do some things the way they do! If he sees this whole thing as defying you, then I suppose he could see sleeping with his phone as his way of controlling you. Whether his motives are something more, we don't know, yet. But look at it this way, maybe he's scared you will learn more about where he's working and the details involved. He doesn't have the guts to man-up and do what you want him to do, so he resorts to this type of behavior. (Not that you would have to have his phone to find out a few things, but I'm trying to think like a man here.
) Apparently, he is just shutting you out his life (or trying to show you he can).
Bottom line, it would be extremely hard for me to be in your shoes, however, I do agree that letting the phone issue go is the only way to handle it....at this time. If he's in another A, it will eventually come out. If he's not, then he probably needs to see you letting go.....and let him act like a jr. high school girl with his phone.
My grandmother used a term "Grit and Grace" that I find fits how we need to handle a lot of things we face.
Don't bring up any issues at this time. Just smile and go on about your life and let him deal with his problems that he doesn't wish to include his W. Wait and see what happens in the C session next time. And if possible, let the C deal with what needs to be said to H, b/c you've already told the C what he's doing.
I know it will be tough, but you have already gone through the toughest ordeal you've had to face with him. You can do this. ((To))
Hey T0. Thanks for replying to my post. I want you to know as I wrote that and am writing this one I'm not giving you 'feedback' on what you should do or suggesting you do anything at all. This is just me sharing thoughts about my sitch. If it helps you understand your H any better, great. What if anything you choose to do with it you know better than I, and your H is not me. Ultimately you are the one that stood by your M, so you don't have to prove anything to us about your character.
I was thinking about the H's need to be appreciated, admired, accepted. I know that is my PRIMARY need. We guys do all kinds of stupid things thinking at the end of it there will be a good woman that says proudly to her friends and family "that's my man".
The last few years of my M my wife didn't feel that way towards me. Nor does she now. Quite the contrary, she has disdain, contempt, irritation, impatience, criticism, and frustration with me.
Now here's where it gets hard. I go to work and I am the best at what I do. I get promoted again and again and again, am in the top .1% out of the thousands that work at my company, provide for the family, and am considered "one of the best assets in my district". I'm interviewing people or running big campaigns, etc.
Then I shoot pool. I just won the biggest tournament for the year in my home state. People ring around to watch me play and I'm talked about around town as a cult celebrity.
I'm funny, very smart, deep, sensitive, (and LOYAL) and have close friends that appreciate me. I have a great relationship with my parents and my children.
So basically...everywhere else I go outside of the home I am well respected, admired, appreciated, and accepted. Then I went home and somehow I was a worthless idiot that couldn't do anything right. She never asked herself what everyone else saw in me. I guess that was too hard.
That's ultimately what caused me to pull away from her. I was done with that. It was ridiculous. And then she left. Now in her mind I'm the abusive ex husband that mistreated her. Good for her.
I'm done looking at myself through her view. It hurt me because I loved her so I valued her opinions and wanted her approval. But I couldn't get it, and finally I had to ask myself...which one of us is wrong here? Am I wrong for being the way I am? Or is she wrong for not accepting/appreciating who I am?
It doesn't really matter. I am who I am so I have to appreciate myself, and I am. I'm having fun. I am playing poker now and just final tabled a nice online event. My new hobby. Took a hard beat at the end so am posting to cool down. I am crushing it at my new job. I am hanging out with my friends. And best of all I am doing amazing things with my kids.
Honestly I no longer care what my STBX's issues with me were. I looked and continue to look in the mirror, but I am who I am. I'm willing to make compromises to be in an R and hope to again someday, but I know now that I can never change into someone that will make a woman happy. She will either decide to appreciate me or not. Not because I'm awesome. Not because I'm not. Just because the only choices are to appreciate me or not, and I hope to find a woman that decides it's a less appealing life to go the road of "not".
PS- The same applies for you. You don't have to see yourself through your H's eyes. Be the person YOU want to be.w
Zues,
I'm so glad you posted this. T, I hope you don't mind, but I want to pick Zues's brain for a moment in the hope it helps both of us with some clarity. (Oh, and fwiw, I agree with sandi ^^^, as usual.)
Zues, taking things a step further (and I recognize I'm asking you to speculate a little here because this isn't your experience):
Among the topmost needs of most men, as you pointed out in your own case, is the need to be admired and appreciated.
But in T's case (and mine and many others), we have figured that out AFTER serious damage has been done to our M. And after our Hs have left us for OW. When they come back, we WANT to meet their needs. But it's really, REALLY hard to feel or show appreciation and admiration in the first few weeks/months after our Hs have returned after abandoning their families for an A.
But if we can't meet that need? Chances are we are just starting that cycle all over again.
So what are your thoughts on that? What are some ideas you have for T for how to show admiration and acceptance and appreciation when her H is just home from an A? Or would you suggest she even tries to meet those needs of his at all right now?
Good question, Train! Looking forward to seeing Zues' response.
Hahaha I'm flattered. Just remember Dr. Phil I am not. And it's really late so I'm a bit spacey.
First off, I totally get it. What a WAS does is pretty inexcusable in my book, and to promise the moon for a 2nd chance and then do things to deliberately cause distress (hiding the phone, new car...both of these things are intentional) is just goofy to me. It really does seem manipulative. But I'm not here to mindread your H, just to try to think about the question of admiration.
I think the problem is that it's easy to let his actions portray him in such a negative light that all that can be seen is negative. Or that his actions excuse other resentment towards things that have nothing to do with the sitch but are more about who he is as a person. Like his behavior gives the right to be resentful and then it leaks into old pet peeves like how he handles money or conflict.
I think there might be a balance. Between admiration/appreciation/acceptance and still not putting up with certain crap. In a way it would be nice to convey the message "wow, what an attractive, funny, impressive, and important man you are! Gosh it sure is too bad I can't be close to you the way you're acting because man I'd love to get our grove on!"
In other words, admire the man he is and how he handles everything OUTSIDE of this vicious circle, and then neatly remove yourself from that cycle and don't get run over or hurt. That would be nice. Not sure how easy that is, but that's my brainstorm. If you could see him how his friends/coworkers/family see him, and simply set boundaries about how you'd be ok with, that might be a good step.
I agree it's a challenge when he doesn't treat those others as poorly, but someone has to break the cycle.
Sorry for what you're going through T0. I wish you the best. Remember, I type this as a single man because I couldn't make my M work. I'm doing ok, but it is awfully quiet in my single apartment tonight. And while I'm enjoying my life, I still wonder if it just feels like a nice break from a struggling R, and that in a year, two years, three years...that's when the permanence of the situation will really start to sink in.
Right now the road away from your H might actually be less painful. I applaud you for the road your on. No one can be sure where it leads, but you're walking it for the best of reasons. Thank you on behalf of your H for putting up with him. Find a way through and you might even find he turns out to be a decent guy to grow old with. Either way you will always stand tall.
Thanks you guys and gals
Zues- I really appreciate you're insight. I agree he needs to be admired and appreciated but I am struggling to find that balance. He stopped sleeping with his phone In his pocket after our MC session and now the last week it's in his pocket every night. I havenf said a word. It is eating me away - I am trying not to let it but I am just dumbfounded about it. I know if I bring it up it will lead him to throwing that I'm controlling and whatever else he feels like saying.
It is hard for me to admire while he's acting this way. My C told me I have the difficult task of being happy so H doesn't see me as negative (which he told the counselor I'm a negative person) but not being a doormat. Him seeing me as a megative person really bothers me. I know it's just how he feels but like you described yourself H is the only person that views me that way. I have great relationships with everyone else in my life.
I truly feel that H does not know how to handle his emotions. He moved out of his house when he was 15 because he and his father did not get along. He felt like the odd one out and his parents doted on his older brother. His dad was not involved In any activities he did and they fought constantly. My family was very different. I grew up in a loving home with a very involved family. So when H first came into my family he had to get used to hugging my family, them telling him they love him, Etc. His family is not like that. He does talk to his mom but his dad and he have no real relationship. Sure they talk when his family comes down to visit 1-2x a year but that's it. I've never heard FIL tell H I love you or am proud of you. Quite the opposite actually. A few years ago when we were at dinner FIL was making comments about H saying he never finishes a project (kind of true) and that he just walks away from projects or jobs when things get hard instead of sticking it out. it was a really awkward dinner but really shed some light on their relationship for me. H and I talked a lot about it that night and I was sad for him that his father couldn't be happy for him of the life we have created. We were pretty successful for our age at the time.
Anyway, I believe that H gets miserable easily. So this job he hates. He told the C he hates waking up to go there everyday. So in his eyes the job = me. He is there because of me. He had to quit his other job with his 'friends' because of me. So when one thing in his life is miserable he cannot isolate that.. Instead it radiates into all aspects of his life and he just shuts down. Then I get pushy what's wrong? Why are you so quiet? And he shuts down even more.
So now I am just STFU. I am not asking what's wrong I'm just being in a good mood and keeping it light. But I would be lying if I said seeing that phone in his pocket every night doesn't bring down my PMA dramatically because there's no good reason to hide it. Short of following him I really don't know how else to find anything out. There is nothing on Facebook at all.
So Zues- thank you for your insight. It sounds like your W lost a great man.
Just journaling a little. Not too much to update around here. More of the same. H's phone is still not left out at night. I've kept my mouth shut about it.
I worked the last few days and made sure to kiss H when I got home (180).
He has not been working at ex boss - so he says. He has been looking for some extra work through friends. I did not inquire.. I called him on my way home to see if we needed anything at the house and just asking what they were doing. He said he was at a buddy's shop picking up some side work. I said oh that's good. He said Ya I haven't worked at X boss I've just been talking to A (a friend of H's who took he worked with at ex boss. They have remained friends). I just said oh that's good and dropped it.
Last night we took the boys to Monster Jam with some of our friends. H seemed to have a good time. Well we all did! He is still not affectionate towards me but he does kiss me good morning and good night and says ILY. The only thing I have initiated was the kiss when I get home from work. Other than that I only reciprocate what he does.
I keep re-reading Sandi's rules and went through DR again. I'm trying to tailor what I'm doing to My situation. I would be lying if I said I didn't thiink he was setting me up for another BD. Before BD I wouldn't have thought twice if his actions but now I am skeptical of anything he does. I feel like he's saving money behind my back and is going to leave again. I know I'm mid reading and trying to work on these feelings but I'm trying to keep it realistic that any of those things are a possibility. I would feel a ton better if he wasn't so secretive of his phone.
Anyway, today I am getting out of the house. H is just sitting around and I asked if h e wanted to take the boys to do something and he said sure but hasn't moved. So we are up and getting ready to leave. We are going to pick out some flowers for the yard and get lunch.
So thats it for now. just trying to keep quiet and be happy.
More journaling...
H and I had a talk tonight. The C had told me to ask him if he wanted a divorce. I went against that advice because I just didn't think it was right.
I drove by H's ex boss's and saw him leaving. Pretty sure he saw me.... Talk about timing. The one time I drive down the busy road he is pulling out. Terrible coincidence.
H said he is sick of feeling stressed. He says most days he wants a divorce he's taking it day by day. He said he doesn't know what he wants.
I validated him when he was talking about stress and his job etc.
I did ask him to just be honest with me. I did not bring up the phone. I told him I feel like. I'm walking on eggshells around him.
He told me he's worrying about his job first. He's not sure about a divorce. He's just taking it day by day even though he thinks he wants one. He said he is still going to counseling.
He told me he's trying to be open with me but he feels like he has a ball and chain around him because of me bringing up the phone issue a few weeks ago.
I kept my mouth quiet on that one because I didn't want to say something I would regret.
My GAL stinks this week. Sunday I did go for brunch and mimosas with friends.
I picked up a couple night shifts this week so my body is pretty confused. I've grown a little attached to a family I've been caring for so my emotions have been crazy. I've been crying on my way home. I think it's a combination of everything including my monthly enemy paying a visit.
You have the patience of Job, T. I was not able to live like that the way you have.
No advice, just support and goodwill.
I'm trying to be patient maybell.
I could be patient if I felt like or had some inclination that he wanted to be in this M. It's hard to be patient when you don't. But I'm trying. Trying to find the balance of not being a doormat.
I told H I am not angry with him. Just hurt. He told me he was hurt too
Did he say over what?
I'm not trying to be inflammatory. I just don't get where he's coming from at all.
Because he feels like Hes hooked up to a ball and chain because of the phone incident a few weeks ago. He feels like he's never going to be forgiven and that im going to think he's a POS for the rest of our lives.
I'm not making excuses for him. It's hard to be sympathetic, which is why I was pretty quiet during the conversation, validated where I could and I ended it first and came inside and continued about my night.
Because he feels like Hes hooked up to a ball and chain because of the phone incident a few weeks ago. He feels like he's never going to be forgiven and that im going to think he's a POS for the rest of our lives.
He apparently doesn't see that he's a slave to himself. If he feels like he's hooked to a ball-and-chain because of the phone incident a few weeks ago, then maybe - I dunno - he could start sleeping without the phone in his pocket?!?
Good freakin' grief.
Don't meant to throw fuel on the fire. But I agree with Maybell: You have the patience of Job.
I'm sorry you've had a bad week with one of your families. Honey, you've got some tough skin. Just remember to find time to make yourself feel better, okay? Please pay attention to you.
Thank you
So what are you saying you think I should be doing??
I feel like I'm clueless. I don't know how to DB completely with him here. I want to let go but then I feel like it's sealing his deal of me. I go back and forth of do I kiss him when I get home since that's a complaint yet it's pursuing.
I feel so lost!
He also said his phone is in his nightstand every night since I brought it up. I haven't looked for it but I haven't seen it sitting on the nightstand like normal so I just assumed it was in his pocket.
It's just part of the job, the sad sad part of the job. It puts my life in reality. It never gets easy to see someone losing their child. But I am lucky to be able to take care of these amazing families. This family has offered to pay me to come in and work everyday as his nurse (obv can't happen) they provide all my meals and send dinner home for my family, greet me with breakfast in the am. They have an amazing support group and are just amazing people and what happened to their son is a tragedy.
T0,
My advice is still the same: Be distant from H. Kissing him when he gets home from work isn't "pursuing" if he reciprocates (and isn't in an A, and I don't think he is). But kiss him in passing ... as if you have other places to be or things to do. Upbeat. Confident.
Loving detachment. That's the best way I can explain it.
My heart hurts for you. I was where you are. I depended on people here to tell me every move I should make. I wanted them to spell it out for me. But everyone here has a different opinion, and you'll be torn absolutely apart if you take every person's advice here and try to apply it exclusively to your own life and situation.
I almost feel like, reading your posts now, you've turned yourself into a robot at home. That's not the answer, T.
What feels authentic to YOU?
I have no clue. I feel lost.
Part of me thinks be distant and don't initate anything. Then the other part thinks I should be lovingly distant because I know he is depressed regardless what it's about.
I feel like I'm walking on eggshells from fear but that's something I have to change
I need to get back to being happy and confident. Not pretending but really being that way. I'm losing more weight which is a big pick me up.
T, I'm sorry things are still in flux. Hopefully patience and time will bring clarity for you both.
I see some similarities in your H and mine. Mine also felt like I would hold it over his head forever and that we'd never move on, so I understand what you mean about it being hard to be sympathetic. I can only speak from my experience so my apologies if this is not helpful. During the affair and in the first part of piecing, I would have characterized my H as depressed with very low self esteem. Things were touch and go at times. One day I'd feel like we were doing great and the next day I'd feel like we were never going to get through it. My pain was out in the open and sometimes H couldn't handle it because seeing it made him feel like he was worthless. After a while I realized that H was not in a position to handle my pain and also his own. I talked to a DB coach and she recommended choosing to let go of mine for awhile. She also told me to focus on only the positive actions, no matter how small. It was hard. I wanted H to comfort me and, honestly, grovel a little bit. He'd done those things already, I just wanted him to keep doing them. I realized that continually asking that of him only served to make him feel like less of a person. I tried my best to stop bringing up the negative things and instead started telling him what I appreciated. Things I probably wouldn't have even given a second thought to thanking him for before, such as picking our son up from daycare. Yes, as a dad he should do that, but telling him that I appreciated it made him feel valued. All that said, after awhile H's self image improved and I am now able to talk to him when things bother me again. I just try not to dwell on them too long.
It's totally reasonable that you want more from your H. I don't get the impression that he is currently capable of providing what you want though. He might eventually be able to, only time will tell. You'll have to decide if you are willing to wait. A couple of different counselors we spoke with told us the best advice they could give us for now was to just be kind to one another. I thought that was good advice when I was feeling ticked off at his inability to handle my pain.
BTW, I really admire what you do in your career. I can't even imagine the things you see on a daily basis. I would be a wreck. You are obviously one strong lady!
T,
IMO, you're going back to DB101. And you know that's mostly for YOU and your own PMA. Whether your H falls in line is up to him.
Your H's depression is his to fix. Your own sadness is YOURS to fix.
You have no reason to live in fear. You're a fantastic mom. You have a great job. You have a supportive family. You are financially independent. You have a hard-earned emotional toolbox. You are a catch, baby. And don't allow ANYONE to make you feel otherwise.
You want to save your M, but you have to save yourself first.
I've seen this firsthand in your situation: When you're feeling good and positive and like your authentic self, you're able to brush things off. You shine.
When you're trying to be something different, it appears you allow yourself to become suffocated. And then it seems you start trying to control every, little detail of your life, which is clearly entangled with H's life. And finances become a HUGE factor. And that's when things start really unraveling with H.
What are you afraid of, sweetie? Dig deep, and let's get to the bottom of what's going on.
Are you okay with the idea of being a single mom?
Heart - 100 % agree with everything you said. I feel pretty similar. I even told my mom I'm letting go of my anger from the past so it doesn't cloud my current decisions. It's going on the back burner.
Train - you're right. Right now I'm not confident bc I'm afraid to lose H. So I'm clinging at anything I can. I'm suffocating my marriage more. Then I start reacting to anything I can.
I've gotten better since the last week. I haven't brought up any finances or anything and am just letting it be. I don't want to stick my nose in his finances so if something goes wrong I cant be to blame.
T,
That word - fear - should scare you more than the thought of losing your H. It is the absolute worst thing to motivate you, one way or another, right now.
Drop it.
Understand you will be okay - better than okay - no matter what.
No fear.
I'm working on it. I promise.
I know I need to get through this stage and back to me being confident and happy with or without H. Right now he knows he hAs me, at least that's what I think. He can act how he wants and get away with it because I'm still here.
Once I can get back to that person I was I really believe the tables will turn just like they did before
DB101, honey.
The tables can be turned. But you know that re-attraction isn't enough to sustain a M. You and I both have learned that the hard way.
It takes both partners being willing to work - and work HARD - to "piece" and eventually reconcile. Yes, it only takes ONE to influence the other, but that's not always fool-proof and it's certainly not sustainable.
Dig deep. Make YOU happy.
I am happy in all aspects of my life EXCEPT my M.
But my unhappiness comes from his behavior and that's something he has to decide if he wants to change and to stay M.
Do I think he will work hard to piece and truly reconcile? I don't know. Right now I think he can do whatever he wants and I'll still be standing.
I'm going to continue to go to C to work on the stuff I can about me to make me a better person. I will make what changes I need to make for a better M too. The rest is up to H. I can only hope he pulls his head out of his you know what before he makes another emotional decision.
I know I will be fine without him. I did it before but I don't want to. We don't always get what we want but if it can be avoided that's what I'm trying for. However he needs to throw in a little bit of effort.
I'm re-reading DR today while my youngest is at preschool this morning.
So now I am contemplating not attending MC Thursday. H said he would be going. I really don't have any interest in going right now. After last nights conversation... I have decided I deserve more. I'm here trying to make a change and he's just shut out to me right now. MC is pretty pointless IMO with someone that isn't interested and says most days he wants a divorce and then a few minutes later that he doesn't know what he wants he's taking his life day by day with his job his first priority.
Missing it may be the wrong decision. So any thoughts are appreciated.
What do YOU want, and what do you hope for for yourself? What makes you want to not be divorced?
Because I know that somewhere the man that came back and was here for a couple months was the man I married. The man he is now is not someone I want.
I love that H. That's not who he is right now and me trying seems pretty wasteful and is probably pushing him away further.
Oh boy you sound like me. I was holding on to glimmers of the man I married. I didn't want the other man either.
The problem is which one is he really? Sometimes someone is great at the beginning of a relationship but that's not really who they are. They can pull it off for a while but in time their true self appears. Then we hold on for the occasion appearance of the man we thought they were. The problem is by the time there are a few red flags raised we are already deeply attached emotionally so we keep trying. If they showed their true self right of the bat we would have gone running for the hills.
My ex when we first met was so sweet and engaging. He was very affectionate, generous, spent time planning dates, pouring me good wine ect. As time went on and years passed he became less and less engaged, I complained wanting the old him back. After all I kept my end. I was still taking care of myself, dressing to attract available for him. Instead of pouring me wine he put the good bottles out of my reach and left the cheaper bottles lower down. He made excuses all the time. I kept waiting.
What I learned is this is his true self. He repeats this pattern with everyone. He jumps in with both feet. Sweeps you off your feet. Once he knows your hooked. He's not as interested.
When we met he was fighting for custody of his D. This went on for 8 yrs. he was always so good when we had her. He promised her a great family life once she moved in. When we did get her full time all of a sudden he was always too busy working and it was me providing most of the care. I was thinking WTF.
Then when he met his AF ( a yr after D was with us fulltime) he jumped in agin with both feet. Imploded our M and moved her into our house. Then after a few months the AF was complaining too about him no longer having time for her. She moved out and now there is yet a new GF. Again jumping in with both feet. Leaving my poor SD home alone to go on dates. Telling her he is has a life. Allowing her to witness another woman leaving his bed.
I have decided for me enough is enough. I'm done with him. It's been 2.5 yrs since we split. They only way I would every reconsider is if he went for intense personal therapy and came to with what he has learned. I know that's not going to happen.
Didn't mean to hijack. I could so relate to what you were saying and thought sharing would be helpful : )
What about you, T? Any red flags leading up to BD?
Red flags from him maybell? Or things I didto contribute to Bd?
NOT things YOU did. Red flags from him.
I think she means things you saw early on that maybe showed sides of him that weren't so great that you either excused or ignored. Similar to my examples
Sorry for the late response
The boys and I finished building our fire put yesterday. We ordered some beautiful pavers... It looks so nice! We are having our first fire tonight and making smores!
So red flags... Yes his behavior was pretty similar to this before BD. I honestly didn't think much of it and just thought he was stressed. For the most part we had a pretty good relationship minus the financial issue.
I'm really struggling today. Trying to let go. I am really trying.
I just am trying to wrap my head around how someone goes from full on anything I need to reconcile to me being the enemy and wanting a divorce again.
Trying to get back to DB 101. I know I will be okay either way but I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to save our M.
I'm just looking for a sign or something. I need help figuring out my path. I'm hoping tomorrow will be a better day. Since seeing himat ex boss's and him not telling me he was going to be there. Me finding out on my own has thrown my mind in a tail spin. I need to not be a doormat and stand up for myself. But I also have to figure out how to do so with respecting him and being the person only a fool would leave.
T, how are you doing? The firepit sounds fun. I'm jealous since its way too cold for that where I am!
Hey Heart --- thanks for checking on me
We have been utilizing the fire pit and making smores... The boys love it! Best investment thus far and it looks beautiful on the back yard.
H and I had MC yesterday. We have another appointment for next week. The MC asked what we want -- are we going to work on things or not. H said he is taking things day by day hoping for this new job to come through (this is a job that with a large corporation that would require a commute but he would be making better money).
The C reiterated to H that he seems 'pissed off' with me. He also said this in our last session together. H still stuck by saying he was stressed with work and finances. MC instead pushed H (last time he backed off). He said you don't treat your W the way you're both saying you're treating her unless you angry or hurt or both by her.
So here is the deal , well what he says is his deal. He felt that his debt was rightfully his but he is/was hurt that be felt that he tried to talk to me about how broke he was and he felt I didn't care. He felt I didn't support him or care about his struggles because it was his debt he created (and he said he understood it wasn't my responsibility) so since he felt I didnt care. He withdrew and figured he would do it on his own.
Now even though I told him for the last couple months I would help he said he doesn't believe it. The counselor asked if I habe ... He said he seems that I'm trying as best as I can.
As far as divorce .. h didn't use the word. But did say he has days that are good and bad as far as he doesn't know if he wants to be together. C asked him to describe his 'good' days .. What am I doing for him that make the good days.
He said there's no difference in me its in him. He said so T is acting the same towards you on your good and bad days. H said yes.
H brought up seeing me drive by his old work. He was pretty angry about it. Luckily C and I had a few minutes to chat before H arrived (he was stuck in traffic) so we addressed it like I hadn't told him. He asked H if it was unfair for me to do that given the past. H skirted around it .. C asked again and h said no. C told H ... She is not doing it to control you, she is doing it out of fear. People act I. Ways that may come
Off controlling when they are acting on fear. She is afraid. You have to help show her she shouldn't be afraid.
So Wednesday (before C) H called me to say he was going to work at ex boss's and would be there 1-2 hours. He was home within that time. I praised him to the C regarding this and said H handled the situation perfectly and thats all I needed from him.
So where this leaves us I'm not sure. I did tell the counselor I just need to feel like H is in this M. I just want to know what he needs from me and if I am doing things that hurt him. I apologized to H for not communicating with him enough to understand his feelings and that he felt I didnt care.
T, I don't know how things are going to ultimately turn out for you, but I see it as a good sign that your H will at least express himself in front of the C. My H has been and still is closed up as tight as a clam. We are never going to get anywhere that way. I have hope for you.
TO,
There are times when you aren't going to want to go to the MC.
Like the times he does't want to go.
You should go anyway.
Do not let short term issues disrupt your long term goals.
That seems like a pretty positive update, T!
So Wednesday (before C) H called me to say he was going to work at ex boss's and would be there 1-2 hours. He was home within that time. I praised him to the C regarding this and said H handled the situation perfectly and thats all I needed from him.
Just to clarify, did you also praise him directly after he did this? I think it's great that he reached out. I agree with RPP. It sounds like you have reasons to hope.
No I didnt... I did in C and apologized for not doing it directly after
I think it sounds very positive that he was accountable and that you acknowledged he did something good. Good job, T.
So the boys and I had a really great weekend ... Well minus me working yesterday!
It was nice for H to have the boys alone for the day. Not much has changed on the Home front. I've been keeping busy mostly from work .. I just have to get through 3 more days then I'm off for a week!
I wouldn't say I've detached myself from H but I'm definitely not letting him affect my mood. I've been friendly but distant since our last counselong session because I felt I said what I needed to say so now I can move forward.
I also have been pretty consumed with work. I've been struggling this last week with a patient's parents that I have gotten very close with over the last two weeks. This week will be a ton of tests which will probably determine the worst so I am anticipating being very overwhelmed with that. Unfortunately this isn't the first nor will it be the last but there are always some people that really get to you. I attend funerals regularly and keep in contact with families that I do get close with.
So, on a positive note I don't work any weekends until April and I took 2 weeks off for the boys spring break so we will be planning a trip somewhere fun! I also went car shopping today - trading in my big expensive SUV to get something a little more practical and lower my payment. I will say I do not like car shopping so I'll be happy when it's done.
On another note, H worked 2 nights at ex boss's this week. The first he didn't tell me .. The second time he did as I posted here. We will see if he continues to do that this week. We bought the boys bowling balls for Christmas because we like to take the cosmic bowling on weekend nights occasionally. Anyway, I came home from work to a pretty bowling ball, bag and shoes of my own from H. I was appreciative of that. Also, H didn't hang on the couch all night before coming to bed .. He asked me to watch a movie. Then this morning he got the boys ready, took us to lunch and arranged for my dad to watch the boys so we could do car shopping.
I was appreciative and thanked him. But I'm not pursuing. Just being friendly and letting him initiate where things go.
Hope everyone had a good weekend
Hi all
H and I continue to go to weekly counseling. I've tried to be 'quieter' bc I find that he talks more about things that bother him (things we need to work on).
He did say in MC that he doesn't know what path we were on. I did say that I wanted to be married and he said that is why we are in counseling.
The counselor commented that things seem less tense and focused on us working on our marriage rather than bringing up what do we both want (ie stay together or separate). So I see some positives.
I do see that H is opening up more in counseling. I hope that he will take the counselors advice. The C told us both we need to get on the same level of meeting each other's needs.
He said H needs to show me love and affection and that I need to not come off to him as nagging and controlling. I asked for ideas on this because in my mind everything I say no matter which spin I put on it comes off to H as controlling. I have let things go (money that is owed). That hasn't been brought up since our last discussion a few weeks ago.
H has initiated more physical touch and sex and he seems less depressed. My dad called me the other night to ask me if I had been putting something in his food because he has been in a good mood the last few days. C continues to agree that H working at ex boss's is a good thing. I said I understand why he needs to work there and agree that he has been good about letting me know when he's there and is home when he says.
So my job this week is to work on communication with H to where both our needs are being met. I brought up that we don't talk at all especially on the days I work. We go all day without a text (on both of our parts). H used to text me every single day August - November with a good Morning I love you have a good day. Then it went away. I said I would like to hear from him and that I can initate as well. He said he would like to hear from me too. That he felt him texting me everyday wasn't a big deal so he stopped doing it because he said I didn't reciprocate and if I did I was short so he didn't feel like it mattered.
So if anyone has any thoughts on communicating without coming off controlling I'm all ears. Part of me thinks H sees anything he doesn't want to hear or agree with as controlling. For ex he had the boys all day Saturday while I was at work (I'm gone from 530a-8/9pm) and I didn't hear from him at all. He used to text a picture of the kids and him doing something fun. I really want to get back to that. When he has been like that I know he is happy. When
He excludes me it makes
Me feel uneasy. I told C normally I wouldn't have thought anything of it but my mind now jumps to the worst case scenario and its somsthing I'm working on but I need time. He also told H it was unfair to make promises he didn't keep (changing phone number, putting his phone on the plan). He said he was going to but then when I looked for his phone he didn't want me controlling him and if we end up divorcing then it's more things we would have to separate.
Our abatement comes up in 2 weeks. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. I haven't said anything to H but I'm trying to prepare
Myself for H to pursue D.
More journaling,
H continues to iniate physical touch and ILY, I reciprocate but haven't iniated. He has not followed C advice to send me a text like he used to. I havent brought it up or sent any either.
GAL tonight, heading downtown with some girlfriends for a birthday. Made arrangements for the boys figured it would be an opportunity for H to do something he might want to as well.
Sent him a text today ... Hey I just wanted to let you know I am going out with some friends tonight. The boys are staying with my brother. Just wanted to give you a heads up so you could make plans too if you wanted to. I took some
Things out for dinner so I'll leave it out for you.
He has not followed C advice to send me a text like he used to. I haven't brought it up or sent any either.
Why not?
The cornerstone of any relationship is communication not mind reading. If your marriage is going to get better then you need to be able to talk AND Listen.
Send him a text like your C wants you too. Maybe even make a little joke at the end like opps we were supposed to be doing this more.
The reason I hadn't was because the C specifically told H to start doing it because it was something I needed.
If you think it's something I should do i will. I just don't know if that's pursuing too much?
I can send one and word a joke at the end regarding us sypposed to be doing this.
So we were texting about house stuff and I said
By the way I love you and hope you're having a good day. We are being bad students not sending each other a text lol
His response: no I have just been really busy the last two days trying to get a lot of jobs done.
Me: Okay, we'll have a good rest of the day.
That was it
I am instituting the 48 hour rule of no choices but part of me wants to just tell H lets get D'd. Him ignoring my ILY is fine but then he sends me a text after that saying... Im over my job here. I can go work in X (city about 250 miles away) temporarily until the comoany has something that pops up closer. I just said well thas a long commute. He said no they would pay for him to stay during the week. My reply was.. So you would be gone Monday - Friday? He said probably. I jokingly said well I'm praying the closer job opens up and sent a praying hands emoji and an angel with a lol
I don't want to go down this path again. He did this before we moved for his last job. Mind reading but I feel he is preparing me to say that hes going to go back to ex boss. When is enough enough on my part? When does he pull his weight or make an effort toward our M.
I don't see this ever changing. I am so frustrated.
Als,o, I was going to go visit my pts family last night and asked H to come, he said I'm too tired
I want an H that will support me. Maybe I ambeing a big baby right now and I'll get over it but right now I feel like a full time single parent and in a relationship by myself. I want some help and support.
He just assumes he can leave mon through Friday and that my dad and I will take care of everything
Okay vent over
T, you are allowed to vent. I, for one, don't know how you do it. I really don't. How you remain committed to your M is amazing, and I'm not sure I have it in me to put up with what you have. You asked when enough was enough? It's when you decide, sweetie. There's no other benchmark. When you decide you don't want to do it anymore, then that's enough. If you have a little fight left in you, then you aren't done. Only you know for sure. Either way, you have my admiration and respect.
Thanks RPP,
I don't want to be done but I don't know what else to do. I feel I can't make him happy. I feel he is going to keep pushing me. I want to be in a M where my H makes me feel like he would do anything for both of us.
I know he is unhappy and depressed. But part of me thinks he needs me to get out of his life again for him to see that it isn't me. It is his job and the choices he's made.
I am just tired, tired of putting on a happy face and being the one to bite my tongue because I am trying to be patient for him. I said in counselong the other night I need SOMETHING. I need to feel like he's in this. Him kissing me and telling me ILY is good but he did that the day he never came home from BD so to me it's not telling of anything.
Why am I so undeserving of his love and happiness. How do we get back to where we were? I am on eggshells Bc I don't know how the hell to act anymore. I am nice friendly happy I take care of everything so that when he walks I. The door at 8 he can eat dinner and do nothing.
I am hurt. I am tired of feeling at such a cross roads. This divorce abatement is driving me nuts. I feel like it's a ticking time bomb. That I'm going to get another BD when it's time for us to make the decision of D or not and he chooses D.
Why am I so undeserving of his love and happiness.
I used to ask this on a pretty regular basis. And it took a long time for the answer to sink in. It's not about you. It's about him. You *are* deserving of love and happiness. He doesn't have any to give. This is his issue, T, not yours.
It's just he had it to give when he came back for the first few months and not now.
What changed? Every single person that knows him says the hope he gets this new job because H is always affected by Money/job issues and it affects his every day life.
I know I need to be patient. Our MC said we didn't get here overnight and it's going to take work on both of our parts. I guess I don't see H doing any work but maybe in his mind he is
I see his last action as a reason to place a call to your MC. Ask his professional opinion about the prospects of a couple being in this type of stitch and then the former wayward spouse moves away for 5 out of 7 days a week. I think that is the critical issue at the moment. I can immediately think of a ton of negatives about it, but maybe others can shed some positives. It seems like it would ensure the end of the M, unless you both saw it as a separation with the purpose of giving each other space. It doesn't sound as if that is what you need right now. You want closeness, not more distance. Either way, it is still something he is going to do whatever he wants, regardless. Which he has pretty much told you that when it comes to his work, it doesn't matter how you feel about it b/c you won't have a voice. But this affects your life and the lives of your boys. So, yes........very serious issues with all these job changes (without any explanations).
It may take more than 48 hrs. for this one.
T, I think we have a lot in common. I want my H to be "all in." I want text messages and constant ILYs and lots of affection and sex. Anything less leaves me with the feeling that he's not fully committed.
It's a catch-22. He can't fully commit until I calm down, and I can't calm down until my needs are met. We are trying to navigate that narrow path, but it is hard.
I have had to just accept that my H is different. That he can't just "turn on" those feelings/behaviors like I can. If I step back and try to appreciate the situation fully, my H is trying. It may not be everything I need, it may not be what I/we want the marriage to look like long-term, but it's something.
I think you have to step back and figure out if you're getting enough to keep moving forward in the R.
Thanks Sandi-
We see MC next week.
When H brought up him waiting for the job close to home he said 'I would still like to work at ex boss's a couple times a week. MC immediately shut that down saying he needs to take 6 months for his marriage and when we get to a better place maybe that's something he could do but right now he needs to focus on our M. H just said okay.
I have a feeling MC would not be for this, but H will present it as he has no other choice.
Elsa, I feel the same. I can't chill out because I feel like he's not making an effort but in his mind he probably thinks he is.
I really just don't get how he want from everything for our marriage to this. I thought we were making progress in MC
I am trying to make my changes stick and be positive and happy. Not to bring things up that stress him out. My own sanity needs some reassurance from him because I really have no clue if he's in this marriage or not long term.
He told MC this week he needs more positives from me and not negatives. If anyone has any thoughts im listening. I haven't brought up money or job stuff unless he initiates it and if he does I try to be supportive.
He said he felt things were better between us this week and that we hadn't argued. He just doesn't know what path we are on. When I started saying that I feel like he isn't the same person and I miss hearing from him like I used to he said he doesn't want to have to kiss my ass and feel controlled. MC told him it's nether of those.
It just [censored] that H hasn't taken the initiative to do what the C asked him to do. Is that just because he doesn't give a crap? Or is he really as busy as he says he is at work. When he said in C he was busy. I said I understood what it was like to be busy. MC jumped in and said H you made time for the 3 months you did it every day you found time. So just start doing it and I bet she will be a lot more positive.
When is enough enough on my part?
You will know, without a doubt.
Well onto GAL... I'm at a super swanky salon getting my hair done. Just looking at this place is probably going to cost me! Then out with girlfriends after. I have a very fitting dress and some high wedges. Fingers crossed H is awake when I get home.
I know nothing is going to change right now. So I'm going to continue to GAL and let him see what he's missing out on. I'm going to continue to be positive and nice but maybe less available. I'll continue to reciprocate.
Thanks Sandi-
He told MC this week he needs more positives from me and not negatives. If anyone has any thoughts im listening. I haven't brought up money or job stuff unless he initiates it and if he does I try to be supportive.
He said he felt things were better between us this week and that we hadn't argued. He just doesn't know what path we are on. When I started saying that I feel like he isn't the same person and I miss hearing from him like I used to he said he doesn't want to have to kiss my ass and feel controlled. MC told him it's nether of those.
It just [censored] that H hasn't taken the initiative to do what the C asked him to do. Is that just because he doesn't give a crap? Or is he really as busy as he says he is at work. When he said in C he was busy. I said I understood what it was like to be busy. MC jumped in and said H you made time for the 3 months you did it every day you found time. So just start doing it and I bet she will be a lot more positive.
First of all, I like how your MC thinks. I wish the MC would look at my H (or me!) and say, "It's so obvious. Just do X." Not because X is all that's needed to fix the problem, but because X might be enough to get us to the next step. Of course, we still have to follow the advice, but at least you're getting it!
Second, what kind of direction is the MC giving YOU? Are you doing what he/she is recommending? Really dig deep here. You can't expect H to follow the MC advice if you're not doing the same.
Third (and this is not classic DBing, but I think it may work in your situation), I think you should initiate more texts/affection/etc. If your H said, "I don't want this M," it would be pursuing. But he's putting forth some effort/interest in continuing the R. If you want texts/affection/etc, then I think you have to model that behavior for him. And I would be surprised if he hasn't thought at some point, "T wants me to send her ILY texts, but she rarely/never does that for me. Why should I bother?"
You don't have to go overboard and make him feel smothered. Just a simple message every few days, and then monitor. I wouldn't make any more jokes about not following the MC advice (even if you meant it mutually) -- it sounds like your H is really sensitive to shaming. Praise him for the positives -- even the little things. If he is anything like my H, he will be more likely to give more.
Also, re: your H's request for more positives, my H says that too. But he can't articulate what he wants me to do, just what he wants me NOT to do. I am of the firm belief that it is much, much harder to recognize when someone is NOT pushing your buttons than it is to recognize when someone is making an effort to be closer to you. You don't recognize the absence of conflict until you're arguing again, but you can recognize a kiss, a gift, etc. Do you know his LL? Is there something positive that you can be doing so that he will recognize you for the all the effort you're putting into to NOT doing the things he dislikes?
I really like this counselor.
I think you have done a good job at keeping quiet about the money, etc., especially considering he has chosen to keep you in the dark about where he works, where he is during the day, all the while he's guarding his phone, withholding facts and truth, refusing to discuss it, not sleeping with you, buying a new car, and all the rest. I'm not saying there is no woman on Earth that would go along with supporting a H who did this............I'm just saying I have never known a woman who I think would do it. There are certain things we women need in a MR, and I think the part he isn't forthcoming about is a big part of it.
Even with the men joining in to give their vauled opinons to why a H might act like this.......it still seems so unacceptable from a spouse who was wayward. I mean, if it was a wife doing this after pulling those shinanigans, I would still say it is unacceptable behavior. There are many things in M that require patients, but then there are many things where I believe one should draw the line and say, "I cannot live in a marriage without trust (security, honesty, intimacy, or whatever the issue)".
I realize a lot of focus is placed on the changes made by the LBS. With that in mind, I maintain changes should be required from the wayward spouse, also. Your H showed he could change for a short period of time. Heck, I suppose anyone can do it temporarily. And as you have stated, why the sudden complete opposite from what and who he was when he was wanting you back so badly? As a woman, I can understand how important it would be to have that question answered. Was he just faking who he really is? Does he have a split personality? I can understand having patients if you have an inkling to what you are dealing with. That is one of the reasons I devote the majority of my posting to the LBH'S, b/c I try to clue them in about the mindset of a wayward wife. But honey, I just don't know about this guy. I don't know if he's fighting the old urges of his wayward nature or if he is completely ........lost.
You girls may have to bare with me while I'm drinking my wine and waiting for my color to process i may have too much wine and get a little off track.
Elsa - I go back and forth from pursuing to not pursuing. Still figuring that out. My problem is I want instant gratification. I need to work on doing something and sticking with it and being patient.
Sandi - he seems lost. Well depressed. I'm sorry if I didn't clarify this. He has been sleeping in bed with me every night. He may stay on the couch watching tv and I go to bed but he ends up in our room every night. He also sends me a text on the nights he is going to ex boss's and tells me when he will be home. I have not checked up on him to see if nobody else is there but I haven't felt the need to.
He sent me a text a little bit ago asking me when we would be home. I just replied that I wasn't sure. I would text him when I had a better idea.
As the story gets more confusing ... H texts me and asks me if I'm not going to be late maybe we can do something just us or with the kids. He offered to drive out here (I'm Downtown which is about an hour from home)
Just don't make anything out of it, one way or the other. Try to keep yourself as stable as you can.
I said that I was still getting my hair done and had plans to meet my girlfriends. He could grab the kids if he wanted if not maybe we could do something if I wasn't done too late. I said 'I'm probably going to be awhile'
He responded with he still had to feed the dogs and walk them and take a shower and I have plenty of time seeing how he takes a long shower and the dogs take forever. I just responded with haha
How did it go last night, T?
Last night was great. My hair turned out amazing.. Seriously how come I can never style it the way it looks when I leave the salon?! Lol
Anyway H had messaged me about coming out and I had told him I would probably be out awhile with my girlfriends but if I wasn't too late maybe we could meet up. He decided to leave the boys at my brothers. H ended up texting me around 10 that he was on His way into town. We ended up meeting at a bar/restaurant for a late dinner.
Dinner was good, I had a little liquid courage which was helpful lol. H told me he received a call from the regional manager regarding the job in Ft lauderdale and he declined (woo hoo!). He just said it was too far and he didn't want to be away from home Monday through Friday. I kind of kept quiet on that one because I didn't want to sway things one way or the other and just said that's good. He then said they are pretty hopeful he will have this new position closer to him within the next couple months. So he said he just has to hang on a little longer at his current job until this one opens up. This will be the best thing for H. He will be commuting to the same city as me but he will be making more than double what he makes now (what he used to make before he took the paycut back in 2012).
We had a lot of laughs, he was very complimentary of my hair and my dress. I think it was a good decision. I had went back and forth on meeting him or not but at the end I decided I wanted to meet him so I should do what I want. Plus my girlfriends had been bar hopping since noon so they went in for the night when I left.
The hair, the dress, the girlfriends, the hard-to-get T0324, the pursuing H, the restaurant date, the good job news: yes, last night sounds great. Well-deserved.
Thanks Mozza,
Getting back to the basics. This is what I was doing when H turned around last time when Train started telling me these things. Not that this will sustain anything longterm but at least get him back to where I need to be comfortable that he's still here.
Mmmmhmmmmmm.
Do.what.WORKS!
Listen, I'm not the biggest fan of your H right now. I'm pouting. Lol. But this recent small "turn" in him is interesting. And it really speaks to sticking to a new plan for a while before you try to "monitor results."
Even though I know your H buckles under financial pressure and all, I think he's still looking to YOU to see if you have truly made consistent changes in how you handle those issues, too.
Keep it up, T. I love when you're in control of you. And you're on fire right now, baby! Go rock that new 'do!
Not that this will sustain anything longterm but at least get him back to where I need to be comfortable that he's still here.
Bingo. You've got it. You're ready this time. xoxo
Thanks.
It's amazing what hair and 10 lbs gone can do for your self esteem. I think this diet I'm on has been making me a little crazy too (calorie deprivation haha). BUT I feel good about my choice for going to dinner because it was my choice. Ya H just decided to drive out without really making sure I was going but I have to take that for what it is and right now that is effort for him. I can't turn that down when he's trying (albeit when I'm 'not available') but it's effort and I'll take it *right now*
I'm not his biggest fan right now either Train but I can't let him know that. I will say his behavior does correlate with my attitude. No mention of going to work at ex boss's this weekend and he was suppoosed to go there last night and then changed his mind to come to dinner instead. So the last 2 weeks he has done 2 nights a week there for 2 hours. I'm great with that.
He's home today and was up and made the kids breakfast so I could sleep in. Pretty sure that's the most sleep I have had in a long time. We are going to do some house projects today at my request and then some more car shopping.
Tonight we are going to take the boys out to dinner and have a fire outside later on.
I feel hopeful today. I totally forgot to throw in H bringing up his lawyer at dinner last night. He said... 'I'll have my lawyer take care of the abatement since I still have money in the account and you don't have any funds left over with yours. I doubt I'll hear from him for awhile anyway.' I think it took me awhile to respond. I said so no divorce? He said I don't want one. luckily our dinner arrived at that point and the subject was changed
thinking of you, TO. I bet you look haute!!
Thanks GB
Heading up to savannah in a few weeks for a bachelorette party. I'll be thinking of you
Keep it up, sista. I'm loving these updates!
Thanks
So where is 25yearmlc and Woundedfool? I haven't seen them posting in a bit... I hope they are both okay!
Hey all.. Just figured I would post some positives so I don't seem like such a negative nancy around this place.
Best weekend we've had in awhile. H has been holding my hand, kissing me frequently, iniating physical touch quite often. We had a great weekend with a lot of fun and laughing. We stayed out late cosmic bowling with the boys last night. Today we did some more car shopping (so ready to be over with that). He offered to grocery shop with me and we went and had lunch with the boys at a restaurant on the water.
Anyway, we are no where near out of the woods but his actions lead me to believe we are in the right direction.
We continue our weekly MC again this week. Our C said he wants to see how this week goes and then may space out our sessions to every other week. He wants to start getting to what lead up to the A and to start working on those issues so that we can be better equipped to handle issues in the future.
TO,
So where is 25yearmlc and Woundedfool? I haven't seen them posting in a bit... I hope they are both okay!
25 is probably tackling another GAL activity: climbing Mt. Everest.
Sorry I have been MIA, work trip took me cross country, including your state (boy that Pirate Festival in Tampa is one hell of a party).
Anyway, we are no where near out of the woods but his actions lead me to believe we are in the right direction.
Anyway, glad to hear your optimism. Keep it up!
Good ole Gasparilla matey! Lots of drunk pirates everywhere
Sorry for the lack of an update, working 5 15+ hour days in a row leave me MIA. I hate to keep bringing up work but I am feeling done. We had our 6 death in the last two weeks. Where I work death is pretty common especially working in a level one trauma ICU however - we do see good things too. Lately we have not. I have 2 funerals to attend to this weekend and I am feeling drained.
H and I are doing well (IMO). He's back to the guy he was months ago. He is very loving and affectionate. I told MC Wednesday that I don't know what's different in me that has helped things turn around. MC also got into issues pre A. H is speaking up a lot more which is good so I can actually have some insight on things I do that bother him.
Anyway, off to have breakfast with the boys for Valentines. H made arrangements for a sitter and has plans for us but won't tell me what. I hope everyone has a wonderful day.
Happy Valentine's Day, TO! Have a wonderful day with your boys and evening with your husband. You deserve it! I am so sorry about all you have to face at work. It takes a special person to do what you do. You have a very big heart and you have helped so many people here and I'm sure at your job too.
Wow, what a switcharoo! Sure hope it lasts.
Thanks Lorelai!
I hope my story and mistakes help others but I am still very much a work in progress myself.
Sandi - you and me both! I brought up in counseling of how do we avoid these roller coaster changing of behavior/emotions. That's where C told me I was a linear thinker and is why I make a great nurse. I am not trying to control the situation as C insinuated I was, I am trying to educate myself on if there's something I can do to avoid H withdrawing from me so much and jumping to divorce when he is depressed, etc. I hope what I'm trying to say makes sense.
Good ole Gasparilla matey! Lots of drunk pirates everywhere
arrrrrr! I had to swab the deck of my hotel bathroom on that night!
Sorry for the lack of an update, working 5 15+ hour days in a row leave me MIA. I hate to keep bringing up work but I am feeling done. We had our 6 death in the last two weeks. Where I work death is pretty common especially working in a level one trauma ICU however - we do see good things too. Lately we have not. I have 2 funerals to attend to this weekend and I am feeling drained.
I know its an extremely fine line for you as you vest and care about your patients. But I saw that with my ex, where she had to help co-workers be caring enough... but clinical enough to keep a "safe" distance. Potentially get with your wellness center at the facility you work. Exploit the resources they offer for grief and stress management.
Our boss actually just planned a night out at Dave and Busters the first week of March. We all need it. I sat in a med room and cried on Friday. A young girl I have cared for off and on over the last couple of years passed away and it was just enough. I also think the fact that I had worked 5 in a row didn't help. But I'm feeling better. Both of the funerals were actually wonderful. More of celebrations of life than anything and I've gained friends that I will have forever. There are some people you just can't help but get close too but it's not like that with everyone I take care of
As far as H and I, I am being cautiously optimistic and receptive. H is back to being who he was the first months he came back. Texts throughout the day, affectionate, planning date nights, Etc. While I enjoy this I wonder if it's a roller coaster ride. I am in a better place this time to be more receptive to his advances since that was his complaint and reason why he stopped doing these things before so we will see.
We have spaced out counseling to every other week now.
I think its good to have the regimented plan for the counseling every other week. That way, keep in the back of your mind if you blow it off, you will then have missed a month.
Keep up the good work!
I am just thinking out loud (so vets chime in if its not a good idea): But regarding your GAL's; are there positives to starting a totally new GAL, but including H?
