Just want to say, love your trusting the path attitude it will get you places you never thought.
I'm trying to do the same right now.
Good morning RPP.... GO BUCKEYES!
Vanilla, thanks for the hospital tips. I'll still pass on the bed socks, though.
Labug, I'm finding it hard to trust the path today. Not so much with H, although that's part of it. I was cleaning out some emails from my personal account and read a couple of emails H and I had exchanged over the summer. I had made it so crystal clear that I didn't want him to move out while he was "thinking about things", and he did it anyway. I was afraid that his leaving would be the thing that put me over the edge of not caring anymore. And he did it anyway. I didn't want to tell the kids. And he did it anyway.
I'm also struggling at work right now, an odd combination of being overwhelmed and releasing responsibilities.
bdub....Go Buckeyes! I didn't watch, but I'm happy for you. For what it's worth, I almost went to Ohio State for my undergrad. But I didn't. I'm a Vol.
I'm finding it hard to trust the path today.
Me too, but I'm going to take some deep breaths and just allow those feelings, knowing they will pass.
My best to you.
rpp,
Good luck with the surgery! Sending good thoughts your way.
I never found re-reading those e-mails EVER helpful. I'm not recommending you delete them yet, as they might be important down the road. But I'd make a folder and stow them there and agree that they are PMA downers and avoid them at all costs. There's no sense in seeing that movie again - because it totally svcked and wasn't worth the ticket price.
For what it's worth, I almost went to Ohio State for my undergrad. But I didn't. I'm a Vol.
I know I'll be thrown out of the pool for this, but I've never been an SEC fan. Except for the Vols. My cousin went there (and we are as close as siblings) and you can probably guess correctly that I have an affinity for... orange. And one of their more successful alumni. So glad we can root for your alma mater.
One hour at a time, baby doll. Then it's not so overwhelming.
Keep up the great work.
Betsey
p.s. But I have a real affection for the Big 10. My mom is a golden gopher, and my daughter might have been a boilermaker had she not chosen to go to a D3 school in the frozen tundra. I have a family of hoosiers as well. And because of where I live, I also enjoy the Pac 12. Thank goodness I don't have to devote any more time to the NFL this season. I have lots of stuff to do IRL. Go Vols!
I had made it so crystal clear that I didn't want him to move out while he was "thinking about things", and he did it anyway. I was afraid that his leaving would be the thing that put me over the edge of not caring anymore. And he did it anyway. I didn't want to tell the kids. And he did it anyway.
You know rpp- I've gone through the same thing. And it really made it easier to drop the rope once I realized that STBX was going to do whatever the heck he wanted no matter what discussion occurred.
Good Luck on the surgery- praying for you!
Well, I've just made peace with the fact that tears are bubbling just under the surface today. I'm not even entirely sure why, although it was definitely triggered by the old emails. And I made it through lunch with a friend who asked about H and I didn't cry, so it's not a total loss.
Labug, hope you are finding your path today.
Betsey, I'm not sure we can continue to be friends if you can't see that nothing beats SEC football.
I have been making it through the past few hours one hour at a time. Thanks.
Raliced, I have been thinking about what happens at the end of our S mid-March. And I don't see how it could ever work. There's just so much that has gone by, so many things that have happened and we never talked about any of it really. A few emails, a couple of pretend MC sessions, one big conversation but just the one. My M is gone and I'm still not sure what really happened here. You are right that he was going to do what he was going to do come he!! or high water. I didn't matter, the kids didn't matter. And today that makes me weepy. Maybe tomorrow I'll drop the rope.
Hi Rppfl. Sorry your so down. It's very hard to face the future without the person you thought would be there with you forever. It's also hard to think of them with someone else I find some peace with the thought that I will be happy again. I just made pizza and chips for the kids and we are sitting here watching American pickers. My W ( at best ) is with OM and that's it. I have my D13 cuddling against me , my D10 sitting on other sofa and S16 blocking the fire ( as usual). It's nice and warm , bellies full and we all have each other S20 had dinner with us and is upstairs studying for college I miss my W and would dearly love to have her her with us but life is still good without her.
I hope my mental picture drawing took you away from your pain for a few mins. All joking aside , if I lived on the same continent as you , me and kids would be outside looking for an invite for a coffee !!!!!!! I read all your posts and you H is a fool. Life will be good for you , it' has to be. Keep strong and remember it's his loss. You are in pain now but that will pass, his pain will be forever. Karma is out there and just looking for WAS''s !!!!!!!!
As my old granny used to say. F@@k em !!!!!!! LOL
RPP,
The only team from the SEC I can even tolerate is TN. The rest of the SEC can go kiss ESPNs butt.
The Big 10 rules, everyone else drools!!
My turn to get thrown out of the pool.
When I am feeling really down, I will sometimes re read old emails and sit with the tears and let em roll. Its a rough 10 minutes or so but I quickly pick myself up by the bootstraps and move on. Usually feeling much stronger.
Its OK to be sad and its ok to cry.
I have heard many people on here say its not healthy to keep it all in.
Well, thanks, boys. You have both cheered me up. I have been feeling great lately, and I knew there would be down days to come. All in all, this wasn't bad, just a little blue.
I'm off to D12's basketball game. Their team isn't very good, but I go to all of them anyway.
I don't know if H will be there. I haven't talked to/texted him/emailed him all day. (Just for those who might be keeping track......bdub......)
And BTW, RD, your granny rocks.
Yesterday came really close to a NC day. I wanted to ask H if he was coming to D12's game, but I didn't. I wanted to send him game updates, as I often do, but I didn't. I wanted to ask him where the he!! was he and why he didn't show up at her game, but I didn't. He finally texted me about 9:00pm with something I felt compelled to answer, so we texted back and forth about a couple of things and I took the opportunity to ask about family plans for his upcoming birthday.
This morning, he's invited me to lunch today. I haven't responded but will most likely go. I have no idea what's on his mind, but will go see.
Before BD we used to "have lunch" at the house on a pretty regular basis. The last few times I extended an invitation (pre-BD), he turned me down, said he was busy. Actually eating lunch at a restaurant will be a novel idea.
The man has guts, I'll give him that. I accepted his lunch invitation and asked where and what time. His response was, "Your choice. Restaurant, house, whatever you like."
Remember what I said here:
Before BD we used to "have lunch" at the house on a pretty regular basis. The last few times I extended an invitation (pre-BD), he turned me down, said he was busy.
So.....basically, he was inviting me to have sex.
Guts.
I suggested a restaurant with outdoor seating. We are meeting there at noon.
[quote=bdub]RPP,
The only team from the SEC I can even tolerate is TN. The rest of the SEC can go kiss ESPNs butt.
The Big 10 rules, everyone else drools!!
[/quote
This makes my day brighter, I watched the game with a roomful of Ducks, I was the lone Buckeye.
They were not amused when I stood up and said, "OK this section is O, this section is H, this is I and you over there are O. Let's do it O-H"
he he he. evil grin. By the end of the night they had learned to spell OHIO!
Mark May, take that!
Mark May is a d*&^he
RPP : Could you have misunderstood what he meant by lunch at the house? Maybe you are reading too much into it?
Way to go on the almost NC day !! I stopped keeping score once I realized you had it under control.
S10s basketball team is horrible. They lost saturday 48-6 and sunday 50-2. S10 had the only 2 points and boy was he proud. He is very competetive and is starting to get down. Baseball season we went .500. His football team went 0-7 and the basketball team is now 0-8. He has not been a part of a winning effort since July the 3rd in a baseball tournament and he works hard and puts in lots of time.
I need a little humor so I'm chiming in. RPP is a Vol? 25 is an Auburn grad? I am an UGA grad (the real Dawgs-not the posers of MIssissippi State:-) Bulldogs forever baby!!!!
I'm leaving this SEC thread once and for all!!
I have 2 cousins that graduated from UGA.
Bdub,
I had a former boss and several coworkers who are Ohio State grads:)
Can't wait to see how this turns out. The lunch I mean.
RPP : Could you have misunderstood what he meant by lunch at the house? Maybe you are reading too much into it?
Nope. This one is crystal clear. We used to invite each other to "lunch" at the house on a regular basis. There was never any food involved, and that was understood when the invitation was issued.
D12's team has lost every single game this season. But she'll be playing the Temple league again in a few weeks, so that should get a few wins under her belt.
So you are having "lunch" outside at a restaurant? Hope the weather's nice...
So you are having "lunch" outside at a restaurant? Hope the weather's nice...
No, Jefe, not "lunch". Just lunch.
It's actually a little overcast today, but still warm enough to sit outside.
OK, just checking. You never know these days
"lunch" outside? Its a good thing its overcast. Wouldn't want to have burnt buns at the restaurant.
I was just wondering out loud if maybe he thinks that the implied lunch is no longer a thing since he has moved.
I wonder what hes up too? Flirting, then nothing, now propositioning.
I will be tuned in to the RPP soap opera on the SEC channel. Thats for sure!
S10 is almost halfway through the league. They play each team twice. They have not been within 8 points of anyone. I think the youth basketball director needs to drop them down a division next year to get some smaller schools. Right now we are playing all the big schools from the big town near us. They are getting beat so badly that they can't run their plays or learn their skills on the floor. The other teams are just too big, fast, strong.
I was just told that my job is being eliminated at the end of February. I'm not the only one, there's entire restructuring going on. But I've been here 16 years and am one of the most highly paid, so it was easy to decide to get rid of me.
What am I going to do? The reason I've kept this job so long is that it gives me great flexibility to be with my kids and I have a lot of vacation time built up. Who's going to hire a 50 year old woman who's been out of her real profession for 20 years?
I'm so sorry, RPP. Is the church in financial hardship?
WOW
Life has a tend to pile on doesn't it? I bet you handle this with the same grace, style and strength as you do your M.
Thoughts and prayers are with you.
Who's going to hire a 50 year old woman who's been out of her real profession for 20 years?
Sorry rpp- When it rains it pours. You were a CPA, right (or something like it)? I work in healthcare and I can tell you my organization is desperate for anyone with an accounting background. They pay major bonuses to anyone who can refer a quality candidate. You might have to take a class or two about the complexities of medical billing - although the finance people I have worked with here are not particularly knowledgeable on those topics.
I can tell you that the 20 year gap would not be particularly meaningful here.
Take heart - There's stuff out there. And from all you have written it sounds to me like you have lots of networking possibilities.
Thanks for the good wishes, guys. I know this will all work out somehow. My IC has been suggesting that I get a different job, and I totally didn't want to. This one was comfortable, and really flexible. I guess life has pushed me along.
I met H for lunch and the whole conversation ended up being about the job issues, of course. Both of us have been entrenched in this community for 20 years, in countless ways. But my new boss doesn't know the whole history, of course, and doesn't care anyway, apparently.
My surgery is tomorrow morning. Thank you to everyone who has offered up good wishes and thoughts and prayers.
Just so I'm not ending on a downer, I'll throw in this fun tidbit: H is staying at the house starting tonight through the weekend. He asked me where he should sleep. I said either S19's room (because S has a queen sized bed in his room) or the guest room. S19's room is next to mine, guest room is on the opposite end of the house. H said he would sleep in the guest room, unless I planned to sneak into his room at night and then S's room would be closer. The man is on a roll.
Best wishes tomorrow. I hope this "pause" in your seperation provides more clarity.
rpp,
College football aside (I went to a small school in Virginia without football, so I really don't have skin in this game), I'm a little more than stunned that your WAH is angling toward all of this.
I'm assuming that he's spending the night to take over parental duties post surgery? (Like who'd feel like banging anyone after that?) One comment and flirting, okay. He probably figures he's honing his skills. But all of this combined? I dunno. I think I'd have to muster some courage and call him on this. And it would go something like this:
"WAH, I would like to discuss the topic of sexual innuendoes and all things booty calls. Last I checked, we are separated and you've told me countless times that you want out of this marriage. I've talked all along about how this is NOT what I've wanted or what the kids want. I've worked really hard on myself and in counseling, and it's been even tougher to manage the kids' anxiety about all of this. Because you've been so forthright in what you want, I've been working on letting go.
So what is up with your invitation to "lunch", the suggested booty call in our conversation about where you will sleep after my surgery and this flirty stuff. Are you back in? I'd like to know what you're passively saying to me so that I understand completely what you want."
And then I'd sit back and zip my lip and hear what he has to say. I think it's probably going to be interesting as hell. After he tells you or avoids answering you, you will know and then you can figure out the path you want to take. This is some crazy sh!t.
I'm sorry to hear about your job, rpp. But again, I have to say that God works in mysterious ways. I've had many experiences where I've resisted what I know should be a path I should initiate and jump on that train, only to feel afraid of change and sit on my ass. And then the universe forces me to do things that I should do anyway.
You seem smart and capable, and just maybe, your path needs to reflect what is in your heart. Do a little soul searching while you're under the weather and see if you can dream up your dream job. I love, love, love these exercises. I start by saying, "if X wasn't a problem, what would I choose to do?" Then miraculously, I start looking for ways to get rid of those perceived and real obstacles.
I'm with ralice. You'd be surprised at how many people would love to have your skills. Yes, there are plenty of companies that reflect this trend. But there are many that don't. Do you have a CPA license? That's awfully valuable, rpp. And there IS flexibility in that line of work. I'm not an accountant, but a bookkeeper in my real trade (outside of owning my business). I've freelanced my services since 2006, and I dictate my terms within reason. My SIL does this as her full time job. She drives all around western Montana to her clients. Some only need her 4 hours a week. Some one day. Some 3 days. Some once a month. She loves the variety and the flexibility. And her boys are grown and have flown the coop.
Think outside the box...
Hugs and love, and my prayers for a speedy recovery and good news.
Betsey
RPP, first off, I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. I hope all goes well.
Second, what Raliced & Betsey said. I was out of the workforce 12 years and it really came down to God's timing (and some serious resume help from my brother). I think you're more employable than the panic is letting you believe.
Sleep on it. Enjoy the anesthesia tomorrow.
and by the time February rolls around you'll have an abundance of choice. You're very well placed as a church employee to network -- make the most of it.
Hugs, lady!!!
I'm sorry about your job but we never know what's around the bend. I left a comfortable (but soul-sucking job) at 51 and found the best job I've ever had.
You know you're valuable, own it.
Good luck with the surgery. Hope you have a good surgeon and a great anesthesiologist!
Be well today, RPP.
My prayers are with you today. Projecting all the healing I can muster.
Oh and if you were in the UK and prepare to do accounts, career tomorrow. No issue, you are in my preferred age group for a work colleague. Come join us.
V
RPP I hope surgery went well, best wishes for a speedy recovery
I'm here! Everything went well yesterday. H was great. Hoping to get home
later today. I need some sleep!
Glad to hear it rpp! I thought about you yesterday. Hope you have a pleasant recovery!
Great to hear RPP! Best wishes for your recovery.
Heres to a speedy recovery RPP !!
Yippe, prayers work.
Excellent news RPP.
Thrilled
V
Glad to hear you're okay RPP.
Take care xx
Good news RPP. Please take care.
Hi everyone. I was happy to get home yesterday afternoon, had an ok night. H was a great advocate at the hospital and is playing handy man around the house today.
Vanilla, there might have possibly been some purple bed socks involved at the hospital.
rpplf...saw your post on Maybell's thread about your losses and sitch, and how you are maintaining faith that something good lays ahead. It reminded me of an interesting experience I had a few years ago.
In 2011 I went to a friend's cabin on the lake, and we ate up a bag of mushrooms. I hadn't done any hallucinogens since I was 19 and haven't since, but I am not religiously opposed to them in any way. To me a totally different animal than addictive and mood altering chemicals. More just an experience to be had a few times in your life is how I viewed it. Not looking for agreement on this, just my outlook.
So I was peaking out and time slowed down. I was totally at peace, in the moment, and in awe and wonder at the magic and miracle of every moment. At one point time almost stopped. The sun was going down over the lake and I was totally absorbed in that one moment. It was like the entire universe suddenly made sense, like a work of art that moment I was experiencing somehow reflected all the love and beauty in the world. It was absolutely overwhelming.
I wanted to share that experience with my friend, and show him the miracle. But I choked on my words as I realized there was no way I could possible relate what I just experienced. And then the moment started to fade away. I wanted to hold on to it but it was like trying to hold water in your hands, it just leaked away and was gone. I was devastated. Knowing that moment was gone forever, that no one would ever know about that moment, that it could never be shared or revisited...what a loss.
But then a funny thing happen. The NEXT moment came along. And while it was different, I became engrossed in a NEW amazing moment that, while different, was JUST as beautiful and amazing as the one I had just seen.
I knew then that it was ok. That those moments weren't to be captured and put in a zoo. They couldn't even be shared. They were just to experience and appreciate. I looked at my friend and tried to tell him what I had learned and he just nodded and said "yup". We can't explain it. But we call all get it.
Just wanted to share. No matter how hard we try we cannot hold on to those moments as they fade away. But as long as we are here and maybe longer we will have a never ending stream of miraculous moments. Some will be with other people, some will be different that we could've imagined. But they will all be of the highest quality.
All you have to do is sit back and enjoy them. Maybe start with this miraculous moment right here.
Zeus, thanks for the reminder that every moment can contain a miracle. I really do think this is all going to work out to my good. At the moment I have no indications of that, I just choose to believe it
Getting back to the soap opera, H continued with his flirting and booty calls the whole day before surgery, texting me from S's room at midnight asking if I was lonely(actually I was asleep) and even getting a little suggestive the morning of surgery as I was changing in the hospital. But he was a great advocate at the hospital and has been very helpful around the house since. And all flirting has been turned off completely.
If he was showing any affection, touching, hand holding, kind words, anything, along with the suggestiveness I'd take that as a good sign. But as it is, the only way I can take it was a last booty call. Which I ignored.
Having him in the house has been nice, it's great to have the help, to have to co-parent here. But this is not what I want long term. It's comfortable, it's easy, it's reassuring. I could do it for a long time. I did it for a long time. Buy like my comfortable but ultimately unfulfilling job, I think there's something else out there that's better. Beauty for ashes.
rpp- There is never a dull moment with your H!
Glad to hear you have the support you need while you recuperate. I'm glad you are feeling more positive about the job situation too.
I'm glad you are feeling more positive about the job situation too.
Truth is, I should have left this job a while ago. I held on for reasons that I think are still valid but because I really loved my job isn't one of them. I was holding on to good enough for the sake of the rest of the family. Hmmmmm....sounds familiar. I think what pushed the karma bus ( sorry, Maybell, I just loved that!) over the cliff was when I actually said out loud to my former boss that I didn't like working for Current Boss. So as scary as getting a new job is, I can't be too upset that God shoved me in this direction. It was just a harsh and unexpected shove. Why couldn't the window already be open before the door shut?
So the girls and I are at home this morning while H is at church. I texted H that the girls are making pancakes for breakfast. His response was "pass". Seriously, what's wrong with this man? Does being with his family/children mean so little that he just so casually turns them down? They are disappointed. But they are having fun together in the kitchen. And I love hearing them. H is missing out. And he's a fool.
He is a total fool (I think tool fit's better at the moment). I'm hungry, can I come?
As a man, the man that I am anyway, I would love to be there with my girls to have fun like that.
I hope he breaks a string mid-worship.
(Heavenly Father, I in no way want to disrupt Your worship time, Lord. Please forgive my tasteless humor and the anger in my heart for a man I don't even know. Amen)
So the girls and I are at home this morning while H is at church. I texted H that the girls are making pancakes for breakfast. His response was "pass". Seriously, what's wrong with this man? Does being with his family/children mean so little that he just so casually turns them down? They are disappointed. But they are having fun together in the kitchen. And I love hearing them. H is missing out. And he's a fool.
At least they won't have to clean up right away!
Jefe and raliced you both made me smile.
Tonight is H's last night in the house. It's been comfortable to have him here.
Tomorrow I need to start putting a resume together. Sigh......,
Believe in yourself, RPP. And use your network. Seriously. It's your best option. I had absolutely no pride at all about telling people I was looking and what I was hoping to get and people I barely knew spread the word in a BIG way for me.
I'm sure you've got the same good feeling going for you. Use what you've built. You'll be re-employed in no time. (And if you're not, trust that it's the Plan and all will be well).
Well, just a final soap opera scene for the day. We all had dinner together, including D16's bf, and then H, D12, and I watched a show we had taped together. Afterward, H fell asleep on the couch, D12 went to bed. I was reading in my room. H woke up and walked through my bedroom to the bathroom. He comes over, kisses me on the head to say goodnight. That's a new one. And then I said Thanks for taking care of me this weekend. And he could barely muster up a tiny you're welcome. I thought for a minute he was just going to walk out and not say anything. I didn't see any emotion attached to that so I don't know if he's just reverting back to the land of zero courtesy words or if there's something else. And who cares, I'm going to sleep.
And he's gone. Its was great to have him here, he was helpful, pleasant, it was very comfortable. It would be so easy to just take him back (not that he's asking).
But he shows no emotion, no affection, certainly no passion. And I want all that in my future. Why is it so hard to give up something good even if there's a possibility of great out ahead?
I am cleaning out some things today and ran across a coupon booklet that H gave me a couple years ago in my Christmas stocking. Coupons for "sexy" things, not necessarily sex itself but romantic setting the stage kind of things. I never cashed any of them in. He was clearly asking for more and I completely missed the mark. Wow.
But he shows no emotion, no affection, certainly no passion. And I want all that in my future. Why is it so hard to give up something good even if there's a possibility of great out ahead?
Well, ummm, because you've been married to this man for a really long time? And it's okay (not to mention really, really right) not to have given up on him?
Let go and let God, rpp.
I'm glad surgery and recovery went well. I hope you're back kicking a$$ really soon!
Its was great to have him here, he was helpful, pleasant, it was very comfortable.
Now it's time for me to throw a paper ball at your head. He's acting AS IF you are friends. Your BFF would certainly do all these things, rpp. Let him be there for you and the kids to the extent he can. He just might surprise you.
I had my gall bladder removed back in 2005 - the ink on my divorce decree was a few months old and it was emergency surgery. My girls were 8 and 11, and my then 11 year old just started club volleyball and it was smack in the middle of fall break. We were alternating days to spend with them. Until I left him a voicemail in the middle of the night when he had them and said, "Houston, we have a problem and I think you're gonna have the kids for the rest of the break. I don't know if I'll be drugged, in surgery or out of it, so bring the girls and come over to the hospital when you can."
Post surgery, the surgeon came in and found him and my then D8 sitting with me (D11 was at volleyball practice). And Mr. Wonderful was sitting really close to me and holding my hand. I could actually tell that the surgeon was confused. And he then spoke up and said that exact thing and why. Mr. Wonderful said, "Well, we might not be married anymore, but she's definitely my friend. And beside that, she's the mother of my kids. What's to be confused about that? I care about her more than pretty much everyone else." He let me have a few days at home to recuperate without them... Additionally, while I was in the hospital, he came over and did all my laundry and yard work. Lots of leaf raking...
So, forgive me if I don't find this confusing. Your H seems a whole lot like mine in some respects. Emotionally stunted in some respects but doesn't generally like to be a prick. So allow him to be the best guy he can without expecting more. I can tell you from experience that my kids really appreciate it.
LOL, I went over to his house to pick up D17 last night and his thing lately is to walk outside with us and watch me back out of his driveway, while waving at us. That's something I do, so it usually makes me wonder for a few minutes. But I digress.
Sigh, about the coupons. I'm not going to bash you on this one. I was also guilty of being wayyyy too caught up in my mom thing as well. It's kind of a bitter pill to swallow, I know. But it's also the kind of thing that helped me frame my responsibility in the demise of *that* R. It makes me feel really bad too. I won't even go into one of the worst moments in my life with him. Just thinking about it makes me feel queasy...
Gentle hugs. Now go forth and do what Maybell suggested on the employment front. Remember your blank canvas thing. Create and dream up the job you want!
Betsey
p.s. I might have told you this, so forgive me if I have. But maybe someone else can benefit...
May will mark my 10 year annivorcery. (Yes, another former poster came up with that little gem.
) I have 10 years under my belt of confusing people with my R with my XH. We both get a kick out of it. Seriously. We've both had people come to us individually and ask us to tell them our secret or to teach them how to have a D like ours. We both tell these people that a lot depends on the other person.
Our very favorite gig (and I do mean this) used to be our first family dinner of the season for club volleyball. We'd meet a new group of parents (usually changing up a few every year) and absolutely *love* watching the confusion on the faces of the additions to our group. And our D20 got just as much a kick out of it as we did. Invariably, the truth would come out as each girl introduced her family - they usually had to name us and tell the group something personal. My D20 would get her turn, introduce herself, her sister and the 2 of us, say that her dad really IS a rocket scientist, and then mention that yes, we are divorced... and then let the confusion play out, with a smile on her face.
We'd hear the same things over and over: "But you guys get along so well?!?!" or, "But you sit together and do things for each other?" or "But I see you together all the time?" I think one time, Mr. Wonderful spoke up and said, "We're divorced, not enemies. Besides, the biggest thing that we both love is our daughter." Oh, the looks on their faces...
We still get the same thing when we go to her college volleyball matches and tournaments. But definitely not to the same level - because there are 5 other sets of parents on this team who operate THE.SAME.WAY. I hosted a cookout back when the team traveled to Colorado in September, and we had exes and step kids and grandparents running all over the place (how we pulled off feeding 43 is beyond me - I drank to keep sane). It truly was a hoot.
I also have friends IRL who love telling me, "You're still married. You just don't sleep together." OK, that one makes me laugh.
But the truth is... I think people are just genuinely confusing the practice of being kind and considerate to each other as being exclusive to a marriage. We treat each other as we do our friends. No different. If my BFF needed me to pick up her kids for her, I'd be there. If I had to reschedule things to help her out, I'd do it. My XH gets the same degree of consideration and respect.
I also know the other big elephant in the living room: Why didn't we do this for each other when we were married?
Yeah, I don't know. I probably will never know. I regret it immensely. And I've promised myself that Mr. Future Wonderful will definitely bear the fruits of this sh!tty lesson.
Off of my soap box for now and back to work. I haven't actually done any work today, so it's time. LOL.
Hi Betsey! Thanks for the hugs and gentle reality check. I'm at the place where I am fine with H being a friend I think. I did let him take charge this weekend, he did his stuff and I didn't expect more. The only sort of awkward thing is that he doesn't know I am ok with being friends and not R. Right before surgery, when we were saying our goodbyes I told him I love you. And I do. And it wasn't the time to explain that I love you doesn't necessarily mean I want you back. He said I love you too, it was the only honorable thing to do.
I suppose this will all fall out at the end of the agreed upon S period, so I won't worry about it now.
I have things to take care of this week. Writing a resume. Thinking about what kind of job I want, there should be a lot of options. Putting out a few feelers with people I know to see what the possibilities are.
And taking it easy. I think I overdid it today.
I'm having one of those "I just want my life back" days. I just want my job, my M, the life I had a year ago. I really do. Today.
Really? I'm pretty sure I don't want that life back. I mean, it was good, but I have come to realize that I tolerated a whole lot of things, and I'm not sure why. They didn't really bother me, but now, being forced to confront it in toto, I gave up parts of me "for the sake of..." that now I'm kind of looking forward to reclaiming.
So now when I say "I just want my life back" I want myself back, with some degree of normalcy and a good R. Sadly, that probably means rewinding a decade at least.
Good luck with the resume and the job hunt, rpp.
Really? I'm pretty sure I don't want that life back. I mean, it was good, but I have come to realize that I tolerated a whole lot of things, and I'm not sure why. .
I know, zew. I'm there with you most of the time. Today I just am feeling the need for comfort, for familiarity, for easy. At BD I felt my whole world had been ripped apart. But no. Then the health issues started. Then I lost my job. I can't take any more and I want a re do.
I'm just having a bad day. I'll be ok later.
Hang in there Rpp!
There are certainly days when it all seems to pile up a little. I know when I am struggling with certain practical aspects of my sudden single motherhood these thought crop up.
Sometimes when I'm struggling to get Ds dressed, cleaned up and from Point A to Point B, I certainly think with longing to this time last year when I had another adult in the house to help me out.
I think you will feel better when you actually get out there looking for a new job. The sense of new possibilities is always exciting.
Thanks for the support Raliced
I'd like to report I'm perfectly cheerful now but I'm not. I went to D12's basketball game, H came in and sat beside me, that was fine. I made dinner, the girls and I ate together. A friend brought over a little present for me from her day out in the agricultural area of the county. A nice day. And I'm just down. I'm sure tomorrow will be better.
RPP
Music in the kitchen, dance the breakfast away. Crunch the granola, tear the croissants, stir the hot coffee pot, make a warm fresh exciting start to a new day. Make the morning bright and lively.
Fill it with light, and sing your heart out in the shower.
Rock in the car. Plan some extra RPP innocent mischief.
Tomorrow is not just going to be better. It is going to be great.
Vanilla
Thanks Vanilla. You always have a bright outlook.
Today was ok. No tears anyway. H and I texted about serval things today. Kids. House. Asked me to go to lunch tomorrow--not with him. Instead of him on behalf of the JDRF.
One of my texts was ever so slightly flirty, no where near of what I was getting last week. He played back. As far as I'm concerned it's just breaking the boredom of business, no expectations, nothing given away.
How is rpp today? Health wise? M wise?
The danger in having H so close is the ups and the downs. You are doing a great job handling them so far, and I know you will continue to do so.
Thanks for checking in on be bdub. I haven't posted much because there's really nothing new to say. Life goes on. I have been down all week, but I'm chalking that largely up to surgery recovery.
I have texted or talked to or seen H every day this week. Medical stuff. Kid stuff. House stuff. Tax stuff. On and on. Before Christmas I was thinking that January would be a quiet time for us, but then there was my birthday and then the surgery. H's birthday is next week, and we have a family dinner planned.
I don't know what to make of it all. Interactions are pleasant, and we value one another's opinions on things. We always have. But it's not the stuff romance is made of. Apparently, I was OK with a business relationship, he wasn't. So now we continue the business relationship, and he gets his romance on the side. Sigh......
I really want to date. I just want some attention, quite frankly. And I won't do it, because one, I'm M, and two, I'm not fit for anyone right now anyway. I need to focus on being content with myself. I'm finding that difficult.
D12 has two friends to sleep over tonight. It's the first time she's invited friends from the new school to our house. I'm glad.
Hang in there, rpp.
This stuff is NOT easy by any stretch of the imagination.
I'm glad to hear your daughter is bringing friends over. This likely means that she will be holed up in her room... so what are YOUR plans?
I get you about the business relationship. That's precisely what i have with my WAH. It kind of blows...
But it also allows me much more time to make my insides sparkly and to let my interior windows open up, clear out some of the cob webs and freshen up a bit. It feels good to not be picking up his dirty socks off the floor of my heart.
I'm glad to hear your daughter is bringing friends over. This likely means that she will be holed up in her room... so what are YOUR plans?
I get you about the business relationship. That's precisely what i have with my WAH. It kind of blows...
But it also allows me much more time to make my insides sparkly and to let my interior windows open up, clear out some of the cob webs and freshen up a bit. It feels good to not be picking up his dirty socks off the floor of my heart.
Hi SS! I don't have any big plans tonight, D16's bf is here so I hung out with them some. And I've had to do a bit of cleaning up behind the littles. They are pretty good, but there's always something. They are, in fact, holed up in her room right now, so I may take the opportunity to read some.
Inviting these two girls over was the first time I've had to admit to people who don't know me that H and I don't live together. I told the moms that I'd pick up the girls, they'd spend the night here, and then D12's dad would pick them up in the morning to go mini-golfing. It was weird. One of the moms is D and re-married, I don't know for how long, and her XH lives in another country. She probably didn't think anything about it. I'm sure the other mom is questioning "when did that happen" because H and I have been to her house as part of D12's volleyball team. She's probably thinking, how long have they been D and I didn't know it? All in all, it was a milestone for me. And nothing bad happened.
I like your last paragraph, SS. Refreshing.
Hey there, RPP. I get how difficult it is to find your PMA groove when you spend a lot of time with your H. That was me last summer. I did not handle it nearly as well as you are.
I'm also feeling the urge to date. Not to get into a relationship, but because I enjoy meeting new people, and I'd really like to broaden my circle.
I think you have to go through this low period and use it to give yourself some stillness, adjust to all the changes that have been thrown at you, and then you'll explode into a great new life and be ready for it. Cuz that's the kind of woman you look like to me.
Hope you're feeling a bit better.
I agree with you about the medical issue causing you to be down. H being around for a week and then leaving again MIGHT have contributed some? Just asking ;-)
Telling people was very tricky for me until I dropped the rope. It still is not easy but I can talk about it more. Since papers were signed last week I have actually started using the term X. Before that I referred to her as my W.
I think you have to go through this low period and use it to give yourself some stillness, adjust to all the changes that have been thrown at you, and then you'll explode into a great new life and be ready for it. Cuz that's the kind of woman you look like to me.
Honey, I'm totally ready for a great new life. When I think where I'll be a year from now, lots of things will be different from a year ago. R with H will be different, no matter what happens. D16 will be finishing her senior year and getting ready to move out. I'll have a new job. Or I'll have won the lottery and won't.
I'd like to think I'll have a new R with a guy who thinks I'm worth something. And I know I have to slog through this valley to get to all that good stuff on the mountain.
I talked to my MIL on the phone yesterday, and as much as I love her, sometimes it's hard to talk to her. I get the feeling she thinks I'm on the verge of slitting my wrists or bolting off to my home state. She can't comprehend that I'm actually doing OK. And she asks questions like, "well, do you think H will take care of D12's college expenses?". Ummmmm.....we don't talk about that. One, she's in 6th grade. And two, yes, I think he will. And three, we don't talk about dividing assets or anything that far in the future. And four, I have a really good lawyer waiting for me to drop a retainer with her if necessary. I think it's all going to be fine, MIL.
H being around for a week and then leaving again MIGHT have contributed some? Just asking ;-)
Telling people was very tricky for me until I dropped the rope. It still is not easy but I can talk about it more. Since papers were signed last week I have actually started using the term X. Before that I referred to her as my W.
bdub, I don't know how I feel about H being around so much last week. He played the role of bff, taking care of the house and the kids, at least mostly. It was helpful to have him here. But I don't have any strong emotions about him leaving, either. He's been over a few other times this week, including this morning to pick up D12 and her friends to take them mini golfing. They weren't ready when he got here, so he helped me fix the disposal, and we chatted until they got ready. And I'm not particularly sad to see him go, it seems right most of the time.
I can't use the word "X" because it's not true and because I can't really bring myself to do it. But if the opportunity allows, I'll refer to him as the kids' dad, as in "D12's dad will pick them up". I think people probably assume we're D. And in a way, I almost prefer that. I think it's weird that M people choose not to live together. Obviously, lots of us are in that boat here on the boards, but it's not my social norm, as I've said before. So if the think I'm D, then I guess that's OK.
Today ended up being awfully close to a NC day. Yes, H was sitting in my house this morning but after he left we didn't text or talk again. I figured he'd come up with something but he didn't. Major change here. Let's see what tomorrow brings.
Today has been a good day. D12 and I took a picnic lunch to the park and walked around on the paths for a long time. I'm making steaks for dinner, D16's bf will join us.
It's been more than 24 hours of NC with H. And I think we'd have made it all day if I hadn't broken down to ask a calendar question for tomorrow. I ask him once a week which days he can take D12 to school. And I needed to know. So.....
I go back to work tomorrow. I have a couple weeks to get everything organized before my job officially ends. It will be awkward.
PMA for tomorrow. Chin up and you will be ok. Take care. RD
Thanks, RD. Tomorrow will be weird, but OK.
And here's something else that's weird. H has gone from being ice, to being nice, to issuing booty calls, back to ice. I have no idea why. Yesterday after he left, I texted a thank you for fixing the disposal. Three weeks ago, he would have said, "You're welcome" with a happy face. Yesterday, nothing. And no contact at all today until I had to ask him the calendar question. To which he sent a list of days. The end. I have no idea what's going on. I mean, he's not spewing or being rude, thank goodness, but the difference is noticeable.
I don't know why we can't just settle into a friendship of sorts, he's nice to me and I'm nice to him. What's wrong with that?
Thanks, RD. Tomorrow will be weird, but OK.
And here's something else that's weird. H has gone from being ice, to being nice, to issuing booty calls, back to ice. I have no idea why. Yesterday after he left, I texted a thank you for fixing the disposal. Three weeks ago, he would have said, "You're welcome" with a happy face. Yesterday, nothing. And no contact at all today until I had to ask him the calendar question. To which he sent a list of days. The end. I have no idea what's going on. I mean, he's not spewing or being rude, thank goodness, but the difference is noticeable.
I don't know why we can't just settle into a friendship of sorts, he's nice to me and I'm nice to him. What's wrong with that?
Absolutely nothing. In fact it would be a good thing.
Sadly cheeseless tunnels are there for running up and down.
They were specifically designed for the action of aimlessness for waywards. It's the speed of running up and down that changes perhaps?
Are your H oscillating getting shorter or longer?
I am thinking of you RPP and sending you my moral support for tomorrow across the miles.
V
I'm sorry about your work circumstances but it may be that in the long run this is a really good thing for you. Good luck tomorrow.
How did the almost NC feel to you?
How did the almost NC feel to you?
It felt pointless. Not sad or emotional just why shouldn't we act like friends?
For instance, H and I and whichever of the kids are around have breakfast together every Sunday after church. Today, because it was the church's annual meeting, there was only one combined service at the 10am time slot and H didn't play. None of us went to church today. And I kept thinking that H should call and invite me and the girls to breakfast like always. He didn't, of course, but why not? Why could we not keep a nice tradition? The NC just felt so dumb, but I wasn't going to be the one to break it. Well, I eventually did, but not to issue a breakfast invitation.
And when I did have to clarify the calendar issue, why did he have to be so short? Why could we not have exchanged a few words about our day? I had a nice time at the park with D12, and I made a nice dinner for the girls and D16's bf. In theory we could have chatted about any of that. And as long as he didn't bring up the duck I would have been happy to hear about his day. But none of that happened and I think its silly.
I remember that feeling. It lasted a long time for me.
Almost a year after BD my dad surprised me by asking if I'd gotten angry yet. I thought I had but then I realized I really hadn't. I was still in shock.
It took four months after that before I issued the demand for space and went really NC. That was when I started gaining the objectivity to understand what kind of person I was dealing with (still wasn't even clear till our talk a couple of weeks ago. Now I know.)
I don't know about your H. Mine is a rug-sweeper. I think he'd rather lose his family altogether than face dealing with the damage he did. (And then feel sorry for himself that "things" turned out that way) He's been completely fine with NC, so far as I can tell.
Things can't carry on in the cozy way they used to. He's using that time differently now -- maybe with her. And there's too much in his life he can't share, because of her. And who even knows what SHE thinks of YOU, how jealous she might be of the time he spent helping you, etc.
I understand the temptation to compartmentalize the duck. And how nice it would be if we could be like Betsey & Mr. Wonderful. But I think it's early days for that. I think the time of NC is necessary for the relationship to evolve into something more relaxed.
Hi RPP,
Does the days he can take the kids have to vary or could you agree some sort of schedule?
Maybell has a lot of good points about not knowing what is going on with him that means he is acting like this.
NC does feel dumb to me as well to because irrespective we have to coparent and that will be better for the kids if we can be friendly. But NC helps to heal a bit and may be what they want. Remember in the eyes of many a WAS, the LBS has to be truly hideously awful so that they can feel justified in what they've done, and until some of that dissapates - friendly is tricky.
Hope you have a good day.
I remember that feeling. It lasted a long time for me.
Things can't carry on in the cozy way they used to. He's using that time differently now -- maybe with her. And there's too much in his life he can't share, because of her. And who even knows what SHE thinks of YOU, how jealous she might be of the time he spent helping you, etc.
I understand the temptation to compartmentalize the duck. And how nice it would be if we could be like Betsey & Mr. Wonderful. But I think it's early days for that. I think the time of NC is necessary for the relationship to evolve into something more relaxed.
This does make sense, Maybell. Just because I'm ready to be friends doesn't mean he is. The hot and cold is just frustrating. I'll continue NC as best I can even though we aren't particularly good at it and I don't feel it's necessary from my end.
One of the families I met at D12's new school this year was a really nice lady and her really nice XH, who are best friends. Best friends, as in, she won't attend a school social function without him. They don't live together, but he pays for her to be a SAHM. Most people don't know they are D. I don't know that H and I could ever be like that, but I don't see the need to be distant to one another, either. But you are right, Maybell, the duck is a complicating factor on his side.
Does the days he can take the kids have to vary or could you agree some sort of schedule?
Jim, we have a parenting schedule for overnights that works really well. In addition to that, H will often pick up D12 from our house and take her to school. But that can't be a predictable schedule because of his work meetings and travel. Usually we cover that at breakfast on Sundays.
And I'm off to work. Joy.
I'm having a really, really bad day. Apparently, my boss announced my departure to the congregation yesterday at the annual meeting. He didn't tell me he was going to, he didn't tell me he had. Nice priest, huh?
rpp, sorry about the work thing. That stinks. Perhaps the priest needs to understand how that made you feel so he doesn't repeat the situation for others?
As for your H going from ice to nice, that is exactly the reason why NC is so good. It gives you some space for sanity, so you don't have to be subject to his fluctuating moods.
I understand the desire to be friends and have family time together, but with the duck in the picture, and his moods all over the place, having a bit of space for yourself might be good. It doesn't have to be nasty. You can just say that you're feeling the need for some space for a while. When I said that to my H, I told him, "Just as you expressed the need for space when you first moved out, I am finding that I need that space now. It's not forever, but this is what I'm needing at the moment." I tried to keep the tone amicable. This has been so helpful. The less I interact with him, the better I feel and the more I can focus on my own life and needs moving forward.
I'm having a really, really bad day. Apparently, my boss announced my departure to the congregation yesterday at the annual meeting. He didn't tell me he was going to, he didn't tell me he had. Nice priest, huh?
Does this mean you can network now? Approach members for contacts and so on for information on future prospects?
V
Ahhh, ladies. I'm sorry for the absence. I've been training to be D17's caregiver, trying to work, and dealing with crapola like leaky faucets, plumbers, and such. A royal pain in the arse, I tell you.
And how nice it would be if we could be like Betsey & Mr. Wonderful. But I think it's early days for that. I think the time of NC is necessary for the relationship to evolve into something more relaxed.
Here's where you see that crazy person in the commercial: "DO NOT DO THIS AT HOME. THESE ARE STUNTS PERFORMED BY PROFESSIONALS." LOL. Something like this. The truth is 1) my bomb day was in 2002, not 2012; 2) we had lots of these types of interactions full of push-pull weirdness; and 3) occasionally we still do.
Did you ever read the rubber band theory? Read up on it. It describes these interactions perfectly. And since I was the research scientist in my own project, I can tell you with a whole lot of confidence that it is the truth for us today. For example, we sometimes travel together to D20's volleyball tournaments. (I know... it's weird... but it works for us.) We get along really well when we travel. But as sure as night follows day, when we get back, he goes all NC with me. Or if it's not NC, it's pretty close. We're back to business. In the beginning, it used to hurt my feelings. But somewhere along the line, I realized that it's a coping strategy Mr. Wonderful has *always* had when things got too close to the truth for him. I'd call it teasing, but I can pretty much say now that it's subconscious and rooted in childhood for him. It's not me. Yep, let me swing from this rooftop: IT'S NOT ME!
And I kept thinking that H should call and invite me and the girls to breakfast like always.
rpp, there is very little today that resembles life as I knew it when I was married. Occasionally I get some of these things, but they are not these types of routines/customs. Why do you have this expectation?
And when I did have to clarify the calendar issue, why did he have to be so short? Why could we not have exchanged a few words about our day?
See commentary before. He's trying to change the dynamic between the two of you. I totally understand that you don't like it. I really do. But even I don't have that kind of R with Mr. Wonderful, and we've been D almost 10 years. Yes, he *does* ask about my day. Sometimes. If he's not having a crappy day at work. And sometimes when he needs something from me, LOL. But it's not the same thing as when we were married. Again, where did this expectation come from?
So why not just approach him and say, "I was kind of hoping we'd keep the breakfast routine up after church for a couple of reasons: 1) we all seem to enjoy it, and after all, the kids are the ones we both love; and 2) it makes discussing our schedules easier. If this doesn't work for you anymore, what do you think we could do to accomplish what we get from breakfast?" Then zip the lip and see what he has to say... Ask for what you want, rpp. Don't just sit there and hope he can read your mind.
I'm having a really, really bad day. Apparently, my boss announced my departure to the congregation yesterday at the annual meeting. He didn't tell me he was going to, he didn't tell me he had. Nice priest, huh?
Aww, I'm sorry, rpp. I'd be hurt for sure.
So how about we turn this one into a positive? This is your gold gilded invitation to embrace your next step. There are no fuzzy, ambiguous feelings in this type of action, so sometimes they are the perfect catalyst to jump to the next lily pad.
Did I tell you that I was the bookkeeper for my D20's volleyball club for 7 years? I loved the gig. I loved the coaches, loved helping the families and loved my relationships with them. The pay wasn't good, but it helped offset her expenses. I fully planned to keep going, even after she left. One of my parent friends was on the board of directors. His D21 and my D20 were super close. And he and his wife are people I consider true friends. He wound up trying to convince me to quit that job after the club season their senior year. He hinted to me that one of the board members was turning into a real jerk. I worked tryouts (grueling), and even came in the day before I drove D20 off to NY to college. And when I got back from that trip, that board member fired me. I was hurt - for sure. And word got around the club that he had it in for me. I decided to take the high road and just say it was time for everyone to do something different. So my friend called me and said, "I tried to tell you. I was hoping you'd just do it. But now I'll say it out loud: you're competent, honest and a genuinely nice person with a whole lot of integrity. This is your curtain call, so take your bow and run out of this theater. Don't ever look back."
I did take his advice, rpp. It's been 2 1/2 years and guess what? That a*hole board member was cheating on his goregous and kind W of 30 years (with his admin asst), the club asked for the other board members to remove him for ethical reasons, and his XW is now the bookkeeper. LOL. He's a total a*hole. I found out later that the real reason he didn't like me was because I ask why, and I'm not a yes person. I called things out that needed to be addressed. He wasn't used to any female doing that, so he had to get rid of me. One of my really close friends there (who is now the director) periodically tells me how much he misses me; I miss him too. That's enough for me. I've moved on.
So sometimes, we need those kinds of endings to facilitate new beginnings. In fact, I just read somewhere "by not having an ending, you're denying yourself the beginning that you need". I totally dig that one, rpp. I tend to let things go in their own time, and allow natural death to occur - even if they're no longer in my best interests. I'm learning how to kill those episodes so I don't have to have drawn out endings. Because a fabulous beginning is somethings we all deserve.
I really like Vanilla's encouragement to network. I can vouch for the new face of employment: it's not what you know, it's who you know. I will go out of my way to hire or even interview people that come to me through reliable sources. It's that important to me.
So recap - right from Ahoy:
As for your H going from ice to nice, that is exactly the reason why NC is so good. It gives you some space for sanity, so you don't have to be subject to his fluctuating moods.
Repeat after me: It's all about H and not about me. Lather, rinse and repeat. Often!
Hugs,
Betsey
p.s. Are you feeling physically better?
RPP I agree with the NC crowd (surprise surprise). My reason is that the lact of contact will allow you to detach. Detaching is good so that when you do ease back into full contact mode (which you want) there will be less emotion involved. This will allow you to handle the nice to ice a LOT better.
As an example in my sitch WAW was going from nice to mean as a rattle snake. Until I detached I rode that roller coaster with her and it set my world on its ear every time. It messed with my work, my family, my boys and EVERYONE I was associating with. Most of all, it messed with me.
Now that I have detached I can see the changes coming. Even if I don't see them coming my reaction is to step back and let the coaster swoosh right on past me.
I'm feeling overwhelmed today, so I'll break all this down into teeny weeny bite sized pieces.
Here's a start.
And I kept thinking that H should call and invite me and the girls to breakfast like always.
Why do you have this expectation?
p.s. Are you feeling physically better?
I thought breakfast would be nice yesterday because it's one of the family traditions that we have kept up through storm, hail, sleet, snow, good times, bad times, BD, and S. It's been a consistent throughout everything, until yesterday. And it's not really so much that I expected him to, I just didn't see any reason why he wouldn't and thought it would have been nice if he did.
And yes, physically, I'm doing very well. Work was tiring today, but I can chalk half of that up to emotions, not just the physical. I feel like a nap, but think I'll take a short walk instead, it's a beautiful day here.
Does this mean you can network now? Approach members for contacts and so on for information on future prospects?
V
Yes, if everyone knows, there's no reason I can't approach members. These people are a gold-mine, literally. I need to get myself in order to make the most of it.
RPP I agree with the NC crowd (surprise surprise). My reason is that the lact of contact will allow you to detach.
I get it, I really do. But it's not like I'm the one initiating contact most of the time. We take care of kid business, house business, etc. It's not like we get into deep personal conversations. The one exception would be Sunday breakfast
I'll try to back off a little more. But his birthday is tomorrow, and we have a family birthday dinner planned for Friday. So.....
Round 2:
rpp, sorry about the work thing. That stinks. Perhaps the priest needs to understand how that made you feel so he doesn't repeat the situation for others?
Ahoy, this priest is, sadly, clueless. He'll repeat it again and again and never catch on. I learned early on, when he was the new assistant, to never tell him anything at all, it would come back around to me. It's just in this case, I had no control. But in a month it won't matter.
You can just say that you're feeling the need for some space for a while. When I said that to my H, I told him, "Just as you expressed the need for space when you first moved out, I am finding that I need that space now. It's not forever, but this is what I'm needing at the moment."
I could do this, probably. Except that 90% of what we are in contact about is kid and house related. My health issues and taxes make up the another 9%. I guess even all that could be cut back, but.....
I'm reluctant to actually come out and say it to him, I may try just cutting back myself, he'll probably follow suit. Less contact is not actually what I want, so I might be less than convincing.
Betsey, don't apologize! You are a jewel to come by at all. I'm truly grateful you take the time out of your busy life to help me. Hope the plumbing issues are resolved!
And when I did have to clarify the calendar issue, why did he have to be so short? Why could we not have exchanged a few words about our day?
Again, where did this expectation come from?
It came from H being a really good friend last weekend. Taking care of kids and house and me. It just seems right that we could continue that. Why should we not be able to?
But what I hear everyone saying is that if we ever do get there, it will be somewhere way down the road. That I can't skip the steps. Sigh.......
I'm having a really, really bad day. Apparently, my boss announced my departure to the congregation yesterday at the annual meeting. He didn't tell me he was going to, he didn't tell me he had.
So sometimes, we need those kinds of endings to facilitate new beginnings. In fact, I just read somewhere "by not having an ending, you're denying yourself the beginning that you need".
And today's conversation with my boss/priest was basically, RPP if you continue to attend church here then I hope you'll get involved in a ministry that you have not previously been involved in. Mmmmmm....so.....let's see.....that rules out membership, newcomers, mentoring, greeters, hospitality, all social functions, anything financial, audits, stewardship, fund raisers, calendaring, building upkeep and maintenance, capital improvements, capital campaigns, outreach, advertising, the website, the weekly e-newsletter, baptisms, confirmations, weddings, funerals, women's ministries, the school, or anything to do with the vestry or the diocese. So, basically, I could......sing in the choir, or......leave.
I don't know what I want to do. I need a spiritual home, and this has been mine for more than 25 years. I met my H there, had my wedding there, was confirmed there, baptized all my children there, and worked there for almost 17 years. H has been on the vestry, built buildings, and led the worship service. It's the biggest church of our denomination south of Palm Beach County (PBC is the location of the church where Donald Trump had his last wedding). There's nothing else like it in our denomination around.
This summer I visited a different denominational church here in the city, and it was good. But I have some theological issues with it. So it's ok to visit, not a long-term solution. This is something I"ll have to ponder and pray about.
Just me, reporting back for duty, sir!
Yes, plumbing problem was fixed, I took D17 to her GI appointment this morning, scheduled her appointment with the oral surgeon, went grocery shopping, talked to my folks and am now readying things around here for the HUD inspection of my house tomorrow (a requirement for me to be the caregiver for my soon-to-be D18). The best part of my day was coming home to a clean house. I finally rehired my wonderful cleaning crew after doing it for 3 years on my own. Yay!
It came from H being a really good friend last weekend. Taking care of kids and house and me. It just seems right that we could continue that. Why should we not be able to?
But what I hear everyone saying is that if we ever do get there, it will be somewhere way down the road. That I can't skip the steps. Sigh.......
Well, probably. But because you got what you need, you want more. Check. I get that too. Don't get me wrong... you *should* be able to. But the wrench in this pie is your H. He's not sure about anything right now. Keep the course. But I'd suggest approaching him for what's important (the kids and consistency) and leaving those expectations at the door. He's not able to do this with you right now for whatever reason. Accept "what is" and keep moving forward.
Now on to the meat of your message. RPP, I'm FLOORED by what your priest told you about finding a new ministry. Are you Episcopalian or one of the eastern rites? I'm putting myself in your shoes and feeling really flummoxed as to what I would do. This is awful. If he said to you how you worded it, I'm afraid I'd feel the implied message of "we don't want you here". If that is the case, he means he doesn't. For whatever reason, I doubt that we means anyone other than him and maybe a few of his cronies. I wonder why he took that approach with you? I mean, really. WTF?
I seriously think if that happened to me I'd have to find another church community. I don't think I could listen to him deliver a sermon and not think what a fricking hypocrite he is. Any chance of me growing spiritually would be nil. Actually, as I write this, I just realized that my spiritual growth is my end game.
A few years back, I was teetering on the edge of my own faith community ledge. I love my pastor. But he took a vow of fidelity to uphold the tenets of faith that the archbishop demands. The political brouhaha around voting for candidates who didn't publicly condemn abortion was leading our bishop to come dangerously close to excommunication those of us who are not puppets. I am one of those minorities who just plain don't want the government to sit in the middle of my R with my doctors. Period. I vote with my conscience. I consider myself a faithful person and I'm fully capable of dissecting what's important and prioritizing. I don't condemn others for not agreeing with me. I told my family if he made our priest enforce a requirement that violates the separation of church and state, that I'd walk out that door and never return. I'd do it not because he would issue a knee jerk dictum, but because there would be little to no room for me to grow as a person of faith. So there you have the world according to Betsey.
I feel your pain, though. The thought of having to stand in your shoes makes my heart hurt.
I might have to do this in a few years myself. Our pastor is retiring in 2 years and if we get some fire and brimstone priest, I'm not sure what I'll do. We shall see.
One other thing. I don't think there is one denomination that fully embodies everything I desire in a church, theologically speaking. As long as they don't encourage things that I consider patently wrong (like sending out nut jobs to bomb abortion clinics) or weird (forcing me to sell my stock in Coca Cola), I think I can be open minded about a lot of denominations. That being said, I tend to seek out communities where I feel welcome, D17 is embraced and the people around me seem to be there for the right reasons and not to be seen. I know how awful that looks, but I've attended churches where the faith is the draw, but it's nothing more than attending high school and dealing with show offs and the Joneses and keeping up with everyone. I abhor that. I hate snobs and I hate people who look down on others. So I won't be part of any community that gay bashes or lacks compassion. I'm not even sure I'll be able to stay Catholic when our priest retires. I'll deal with that when the time comes. Until then, I have a good community.
All this being said, if you really feel connected to your current church and have no problem dismissing this nut job of a priest, I say you go right ahead and join the ministry of YOUR calling and tell him to shove his opinions up his ass. Don't let him stop you from being the person you need to be. Chances are you've been there longer than him. At least in my church, we know any pastor's tenure is limited to 3 year stints and if the congregation lobbies an outright assault on him, the bishop listens. Not sure what your denomination's policy on that is.
Now, I'm off to deal with some weird texts from a former neighbor. He wants me to do his taxes???? I'm really confused, because I don't even do my own taxes. I don't even play an accountant on TV.
My eyes glazed over when he told me he has $15K of losses in 2014. I pay my CPA good money to deal with that crap... SMH.
Good luck, sweetie!
I don't know what I want to do. I need a spiritual home, and this has been mine for more than 25 years. I met my H there, had my wedding there, was confirmed there, baptized all my children there, and worked there for almost 17 years. H has been on the vestry, built buildings, and led the worship service. It's the biggest church of our denomination south of Palm Beach County (PBC is the location of the church where Donald Trump had his last wedding). There's nothing else like it in our denomination around.
Maybe it's all about a real ending.
Stepping out of your comfort zone. Starting new. Acknowledging the good things but letting the past stay in the past.
You're standing at the threshold of a whole new life. Scary? Yes, but what opportunity awaits.
Thanks for your nice comment on my thread.
I could do this, probably. Except that 90% of what we are in contact about is kid and house related. My health issues and taxes make up the another 9%. I guess even all that could be cut back, but.....
I had a similar issue at my house only it was with the credit card . The bill was always pretty high. We would look at it and say " next month it will be less because there will be no concert tickets, or hotel room, or amusement park tickets or trip to Home Depot." The next month the bill would be high again and we would say " It will be less next month because there will be no.." Well, I think you get my point.
January was supposed to be a month of limited contact because you had to just get through christmas. No contact or limited contact is VERY hard. Until you get tired of "that high credit card bill" it will be very easy to explain away all the "extra charges" so to speak.
I think the contact that we are all worried about is the dinners and the parties and the special occasions. Logistics are a given. Birthday parties and Sunday brunches are allowing him to cake eat and not allow you to detach.
Does this mean you can network now? Approach members for contacts and so on for information on future prospects?
V
Yes, if everyone knows, there's no reason I can't approach members. These people are a gold-mine, literally. I need to get myself in order to make the most of it.
Go do it. Seize the day, go ring them, have coffee and ask ask ask.
That is what V would do immediately without hesitation and with a smile.
Put H, pastor and moving church decisions on hold until you have worked the network. All of the other stuff is noise compared to the green field in front of you. Your higher power has a plan for you in this of that I am sure. Time for action not vacillation.
I am very excited for you.
V
Again, breaking this down into bite-sized pieces:
I finally rehired my wonderful cleaning crew after doing it for 3 years on my own. Yay!!
Betsey, yay for your productive day and yay for the cleaning crew. I had been cleaning my house all by myself for about 4 years because "we couldn't afford" any help. Then, after H moved out, D16 pointed out that he could afford a posh apartment and a gf, so she expected us to get a housekeeper. And now we have someone one day I week. Yay me!
RPP, I'm FLOORED by what your priest told you about finding a new ministry. Are you Episcopalian or one of the eastern rites? I'm putting myself in your shoes and feeling really flummoxed as to what I would do. This is awful. If he said to you how you worded it, I'm afraid I'd feel the implied message of "we don't want you here". If that is the case, he means he doesn't. For whatever reason, I doubt that we means anyone other than him and maybe a few of his cronies. I wonder why he took that approach with you? I mean, really. WTF?!!
I'm Episcopal. I grew up in a different protestant denomination, and made the move to an Episcopal church in college after a stint with a Roman Catholic bf. I met H at this church and started all that I outlined yesterday. And, yes, boss/priest phrased it pretty much that way. And I asked him, is that for YOUR benefit or MY benefit, and he replied that it was for the church's benefit. Yeah, right.
But in a way, I do understand where he's coming from. I was hired by current boss's predecessor, RT, who was here for 24 years and incredibly beloved. RT is still beloved around here, he's retired and lives nearby, his sons and wives and kids are still members. Current boss/priest is incredibly insecure about it. RT and I worked very closely together, and I was involved in almost every ministry in the place, and it's a big place. I had more knowledge/power than the assistant. There were a few assistants over the years (they tend to want to move on to become Rectors), but the last one before RT retired was current boss/priest. So there was a point not all that long ago that I had more knowledge/power/ear of the boss than he did. And he's never gotten over either how loved RT was, or that I was close to him. I tried really hard the past few years to support current boss, accommodate shifting responsibilities, did everything I could to please him. But my opinion is that he's just never going to get over the insecurity of being in RT's shadow, and therefore mine.
I probably will, in fact, have to find another community. But the thing I love about the Episcopal church is that we are open and welcoming, compassionate and available to all. And it's not necessary that we all believe the same thing, there's room for lots of opinions, theological discussion is encouraged. It's about personal relationships, it's about community. And I loved being part of that.
We shall see what the future brings.
I think the contact that we are all worried about is the dinners and the parties and the special occasions. Logistics are a given. Birthday parties and Sunday brunches are allowing him to cake eat and not allow you to detach.
bdub, there's no way I'm going to turn down a family birthday party for either myself or H. We aren't going to candlelight dinners together, it includes the kids, and I'm not going to miss out on that. I'm just not. I'm not going to tell the kids that I won't come to dad's family birthday party or that he's not invited to mine. I don't see the need to be that way when we actually get along beautifully in person.
Today is H's birthday. I sent him a happy birthday text this morning, he replied, and that's been it for today. I don't expect anything else. Good enough?
rppfl, everyone here is rooting for you -- and the feedback you are getting is because we are worrying about your detachment. As long as you're okay with being just friends with your H and have no expectations of anything more ever with him, then it's probably fine to continue attending those kinds of events. If you're trying to DB, though, in hopes of drawing him back to you (and not letting him eat cake), then more distance and NC is what's recommended. Each situation is different, and each person has to follow the path that he/she thinks is right for them.
You have support here!
RPP, you've had a ROUGH couple of weeks. Do what you feel like doing. We're behind you. When you need a change, we'll be behind you then, too. One thing at a time.
Hugs.