Hi, so three months ago my husband said he's unhappy with his life and sees no option but to leave. He's willing to stay around for awhile to see other options, but I don't see him doing anything specific to help. I just think he truly is unhappy.
I'm reading the book and am having a problem wording a goal. I get the feeling that setting a goal of "having my husband happy" isn't a good goal. Any help on how to reword it?
Welcome to the board
Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
I'm reading the book and am having a problem wording a goal. I get the feeling that setting a goal of "having my husband happy" isn't a good goal. Any help on how to reword it?
How about some simpler goals.
1) Like I will go out for a walk for 30 mins everyday.
2) I will spend 30 mins doing housework everyday.
3) I will join a club
4) I will take my kids to the playground twice a week.
Make up your own goal for YOU!
Needs the word
I in it!
Thank you, Cadet! I know he's giving me a gift and I don't want to screw it up. We've been together 23 years and he's my best friend. I'm trying really hard to keep up the positive attitude and will start counseling this Thursday. He's not in a place to do that yet.
I will come up with some "I" goals for myself.
Thanks again!
And now he wants to sleep in a separate room. Do I fight him on it?
Am I still on moderation? I could use some help.
And now he wants to sleep in a separate room. Do I fight him on it?
What is fighting him on it going to do? Is that going to draw him closer?
Probably best just to let him know what you would prefer - that you stay in the same bed. But if that's not what he wants to do right now, let him go. He may well miss having someone else in the bed with him and decide to return who knows....
Am I still on moderation? I could use some help.
Keep posting Eirinn.
Thats how you will get off moderation and get help.
I'm going to tell you this, and you might dismiss it, but you will likely discover that it is true once you're farther along in this process. Your H is involved with someone else, or wants to be. Don't worry about his happiness -- he is likely very happily messing around on the side. Worry about your happiness. Start focusing on your own life and how you would live it without him, then start living that way. You can't control what he does, but now you have a golden opportunity to start living a life for yourself on your own terms -- just don't factor him into the equation at all and don't try to solve his problems. Release him to go down that path, and don't look back. By doing this, you are taking care of yourself. He might wonder why you aren't pursuing him, and that might draw him back, but he might just continue. Either way, you'll be fine if you GAL and move on.
Your H is involved with someone else, or wants to be.
Totally agree with your advice, Ahoy, but this may or may not be true. Someone can be unhappy for a lot of different reasons.
It's certainly possible (I know I certainly hoped that was the case), but in most cases there is another person involved. I just think you should be prepared for that revelation in case that is what's really happening. I know I'm grateful to my friends who keyed me in to this possibility when the situation was still new and my H was still lying to me about his "confusion" and "needing to find himself."
I have found that it's usually the wives who might walk away out of just dissatisfaction (without being involved with someone else). In most of the cases posted on this forum, for men there is an OW. Or if there's not right away it comes out later.
Look, I would love for your H to just be confused! But don't blame yourself until you really know what's going on.
Thanks everyone. He moved into a different bedroom last night. Neither one of us seems to have slept well. I will continue to work on my 180 and GAL.
Ahoy, I truly don't see where he would have the time to have an affair, although I could see him fantasizing and sexting possibly. In someways, I think that would be easier to understand.
I didn't think my H had time either. He hid it really well -- it started as a long-distance emotional affair conducted by email and phone. I had no clue. He left to pursue a physical relationship with her. Then lied about the reason he left for four months. I'm not saying this is DEFINITELY happening in your case, it's just very, very common. I was glad someone gave me the advance warning to consider this possibility so I was less shocked when he finally admitted the truth. The only reason I bring this up is because, while it's fine to think about what you might have done to contribute to the current situation, if it's an affair, then really you shouldn't be blaming yourself (even if your spouse blames you). That is a tactic they tend to follow to alleviate guilt. The more you detach and focus exclusively on your own life, the better you will feel in a few months, with or without your H, as hard as that may be to imagine now.
I could see him fantasizing and sexting possibly. In someways,
I think that would be easier to understand.
Well believe it or not their is good news and bad news with this possibility.
You already know the good news (possibly - no affair)
Bad news is that a fantasy affair is harder to bust
and has no reality.
It very often takes much longer to play out because it is all a fantasy.
Buckle your seatbelt for a very long ride.
Time to make good use of the gift you are getting,
don't waste it(time).
FOCUS ON YOU!
Am I correct that as he's moved out of our bedroom and has brought up D that I should be doing LRT?
Ahoy, I truly don't see where he would have the time to have an affair, .
Sweetie don't kid yourself. They figure out the time. Where there's s will there's a way. My H is as busy as they come. But I didn't realize just quite how busy he'd been until BD
So, what do I do for Valentine's Day? I have no clue if he'll do anything or not for the day. Do I get a card just in case?
Erinn, I'm struggling with the Valentine's Day question too... It's a hard one! (It's also my birthday prior to Valentine's Day, and he's mentioned in passing saving some money to buy me a present so I guess I can expect a bday present, but I don't know whether to invite him to my birthday party. So many questions!)
I guess there's nothing wrong with having a card in case, that you could give to him if he gives you one (or am I wrong? what do seasoned BD vets say?). I'd be careful what if anything you write in it though...don't want to push in any way!
Birthday is tough for me too, Susan as it is tomorrow. He asked me what I wanted for my birthday and it was very hard not to say, "us back". I went out with friends last night and am trying to have a positive attitude. It's just tough sometimes.
Happy early bday! Do you have plans for the day? Hope you have planned something nice and get out.
H asked me today if I'd made plans for my bday, and I just said I'd planned to go out with some friends for dinner and drinks and he said "oh...that's nice for you."
That is hard - I would be so tempted to say that too! Hope you have the best birthday you can, I know it's a really hard time though.
((()))
Eirinn, Happy early birthday.
Eirinn and Susana - don't you dare buy a Valentine's Day card for your Hs. That is pursuit and gifting -- both against sandi's rules. This hurts to hear, but it will mean NOTHING to them. If they want to buy you a card, so be it. If they question why you didn't, then just say, "I didn't know if it would be appropriate under the circumstances." The end, friend. Then your H will start to wonder and might even pursue you. But don't under any circumstances pursue them right now. Please. It will end up as more bad feelings on your part, and regrets and humiliation later, possibly.
Eirinn, Happy early birthday.
Eirinn and Susana - don't you dare buy a Valentine's Day card for your Hs. That is pursuit and gifting -- both against sandi's rules. This hurts to hear, but it will mean NOTHING to them. If they want to buy you a card, so be it. If they question why you didn't, then just say, "I didn't know if it would be appropriate under the circumstances." The end, friend. Then your H will start to wonder and might even pursue you. But don't under any circumstances pursue them right now. Please. It will end up as more bad feelings on your part, and regrets and humiliation later, possibly.
Thank you for this. I really needed some straight talking right now. You're absolutely right. Thanks for stopping me before I did something stupid!
Thank you Ahoy. I'm really struggling with this. For 23 years he was my best friend and I keep forgetting that I'm not supposed to be hanging with him anymore. I'm doing fairly well at not pursuing and having my own life, but I lose hope that it will work. He brought up me needing to have a full time job soon for myself which makes me think he is going to follow through on leaving. Of course then I remind myself about not believing everything he says and keeping a PA. I just never saw this coming. I will not buy a Valentine's Day card though. As a matter of fact, I have arranged to go visit my family for the weekend of Valentine's Day.
My H was my best friend too. They just aren't those people anymore. People evolve in ways that are sometimes unexpected. You know what would surprise the heck out of your H? Is if you actually went out and applied for jobs right away, without his prodding. And moved on with your life as if you were making plans of carrying on JUST FINE without him. And you will. I know you don't feel that way yet, but you will be fine. And you will carry on.
Going away for Valentine's Day is a great idea. That way you won't sit around torturing yourself about what he's doing or thinking or what you should be doing or thinking. The less energy you expend thinking about him, and the more you focus on attaining a life for yourself independent of anything he does in the future, the better you'll be. The side effect is that it may open his eyes to what he might be losing and cause him to rethink things. But if he doesn't, you'll still be better off having set things in motion for yourself.
Hi Eirinn-
You're getting some great support from my friend Ahoy.
I will add one practical suggestion ( which is my specialty)
You've been married for 23 years? See a lawyer. It has nothing to do with filing for divorce - but you need to know what to do to protect yourself. Not to sound cold and calculating, but a FT job could work against you should the worst occur. And a lawyer can give you advice about how to protect yourself. Husbands who move to another bedroom could easily walk out and sometimes they don't behave well. It won't hurt at all to get some advice about what to watch out for, ok?
Eirinn,
I'm still new around here, but let me give you some advice, if you're willing to accept it. When Cadet told you to detach and GAL, follow those words. I struggled with thoughts of my W, still do, but once I started focusing on my S5, working on the house, getting closer to my friends, and focusing on being a stronger supervisor at work, I started to feel much better. My W just moved out today, and I'm doing pretty well with it so far, because I am remembering that I was alone and thrived before. It truly is a gift to work on myself and my relationship with S5.
Focus on YOU! Be the wife a man would be a fool to leave.
Not pursuing is difficult. For a guy like me, it was one of the hardest things in the world to not do. I still want to do it at times, but I've seen it push her away.
Erinn, how was your bday? Hope you had a nice day and managed to get out. ((()))
Going to visit family on Valentine's Day is a really good idea. I hope they'll be supportive and help you through this time. I know what you mean about losing hope it will work, I think it's important just to focus on you right now and do it for YOU, not for him. But, I also still struggle with wanting to know if it will 'work', and also I worry me getting a life will just push him further away or convince him we're happier not together. I know it's hard, but we just need to keep reminding ourselves we're doing it for us, not them.
Thanks everyone for the help. It was a tense birthday because he pretended everything was normal, but there was the elephant in the room. I enjoyed focusing on my three year old though.
Susan, you are right. I'm in the same place as you trying to GAL and follow through but doubting myself too. I find myself repeating "believe nothing he says, and only half of what he does" often to myself. It seems to help me. We can do this Susan, with the wonderful support that is on this board and in the book.
Thanks everyone for the help. It was a tense birthday because he pretended everything was normal, but there was the elephant in the room. I enjoyed focusing on my three year old though.
Susan, you are right. I'm in the same place as you trying to GAL and follow through but doubting myself too. I find myself repeating "believe nothing he says, and only half of what he does" often to myself. It seems to help me. We can do this Susan, with the wonderful support that is on this board and in the book.
Yes, we can!!!
I like the positive vibe! That's a good idea, I'm going to try repeating that phrase to myself too.
Sorry your bday didn't go better. It sounds like it was a good idea to focus on your 3yo though. Never mind H!
Erin, how is it going? Have you managed to do some GAL-ing this week?
Hi Susan, thanks for asking. Was coming on to post and saw yours. So, I spent a lot of time this week taking care of me and my son. He's been sick and is reacting badly to the medicine. I have made sure to keep myself positive and laid back. My H sends me such confusing messages, that I have a hard time sticking to the 180 at times. I've only read the first part of DR because she said that after reading that far, that's what I should focus on. Maybe it's time for me to read the rest to find out if it's working.
On Saturday, he told me that I would need to get a full time job instead of a part time job. I took that to mean that I needed a full time job so that he wouldn't feel guilty when he leaves, so was upset. Then the next night, he came downstairs and told me, "I know you think I'm leaving as soon as you get a full time job, but I don't know that to be true. I don't know what I want or need. And I hate hurting you and Z." That sounded more hopeful, but I don't know. Two days, two different messages. Rereading the first part of DR though tells me that I shouldn't have assumed that he was telling me he was leaving when I get a job. He might have just meant that financially we really need me to go back to work, which I'm ok with. As I'm an elementary teacher, I probably won't get a job until September. I'm really trying just to listen without getting my emotions involved to overwhelm the situation.
Then on Tuesday he told me he's sleeping horribly without me. I just said that I was sorry that he wasn't sleeping well. I'm not blocking him from our bed, except that I don't want him coming back to bed with me when family visits, and then leave again.
TMI? How are you doing Susana? Seems like our situation is very similar
Oh, and I need advice from anyone on a problem that I'm having. Weekends are tough for him as he stays home and doesn't go out, which feeds his feeling that his life is a deadend. So, it gets very tense in the house. We live 30 minutes from anything, so it's hard to just go out casually. Any advice for GAL in a rural setting? During the week I'm okay, it's really the weekends that are hard. I had a dog event tomorrow, but it was cancelled.
Hi Susan, thanks for asking. Was coming on to post and saw yours. So, I spent a lot of time this week taking care of me and my son. He's been sick and is reacting badly to the medicine. I have made sure to keep myself positive and laid back. My H sends me such confusing messages, that I have a hard time sticking to the 180 at times. I've only read the first part of DR because she said that after reading that far, that's what I should focus on. Maybe it's time for me to read the rest to find out if it's working.
On Saturday, he told me that I would need to get a full time job instead of a part time job. I took that to mean that I needed a full time job so that he wouldn't feel guilty when he leaves, so was upset. Then the next night, he came downstairs and told me, "I know you think I'm leaving as soon as you get a full time job, but I don't know that to be true. I don't know what I want or need. And I hate hurting you and Z." That sounded more hopeful, but I don't know. Two days, two different messages. Rereading the first part of DR though tells me that I shouldn't have assumed that he was telling me he was leaving when I get a job. He might have just meant that financially we really need me to go back to work, which I'm ok with. As I'm an elementary teacher, I probably won't get a job until September. I'm really trying just to listen without getting my emotions involved to overwhelm the situation.
How did you react when he said you needed to get a full-time job? What did you say? I wasn't there, so I don't know how he said it but if he just said "you need to get a job", well, it's not really his place to say what you do! Do you want to get a full time job? It depends on the financial implications, I think you should prepare yourself in the case of him leaving, so if that includes getting a full time job (depends on what he'd have to pay in child support, have a look or speak to a lawyer), then you might want to do it for your own peace of mind. Or if it would make you feel good about yourself. But NOT because he says to.
THe reason why I asked what you did or said when he said that, was did you show him you were upset? I know it's hard, but you should avoid it I think. If you felt he was being disrespectful, then you can set a boundary. But you don't know what he was thinking, so it's best not to try to mindread (easier said than done, I know!).
"I'm really trying just to listen without getting my emotions involved to overwhelm the situation. " - that's really good! Have you read up on validating feelings at all? I'm finding it hard, but it is really useful just to focus on listening and validating, and not getting your own emotions involved.
Then on Tuesday he told me he's sleeping horribly without me. I just said that I was sorry that he wasn't sleeping well. I'm not blocking him from our bed, except that I don't want him coming back to bed with me when family visits, and then leave again.
TMI? How are you doing Susana? Seems like our situation is very similar
Again, don't jump to conclusions or try to mindread about him coming to bed and leaving again. I think you need to think, if he says he wants to come back to bed, if *you* are prepared for that and where your boundary is.
Thanks for asking Erin. I'm up and down a lot at the moment, sometimes feeling really upbeat and getting out and doing my own thing, and other times just wondering what on earth is going through H's mind. He seems to be growing more and more distant the more I go out.
Oh, and I need advice from anyone on a problem that I'm having. Weekends are tough for him as he stays home and doesn't go out, which feeds his feeling that his life is a deadend. So, it gets very tense in the house. We live 30 minutes from anything, so it's hard to just go out casually. Any advice for GAL in a rural setting? During the week I'm okay, it's really the weekends that are hard. I had a dog event tomorrow, but it was cancelled.
I don't think you should worry about his feelings at all, as harsh as that sounds. You have no control over him or how he feels, and he needs to deal with that. If you want to get out of the house (which it sounds like you do, with the tense atmosphere, and which you should be doing, as part of DBing) then you should. I don't know that much about GAL-ing in a rural setting as I live in a big city, but off the top of my head you could go for a long walk through the countryside. Are there any trails nearby? Do you have a bike? You could go for a bike ride?
But I think you might have to just make the drive (30 mins isn't bad, if you look at Frank's thread, he lives a 4 hour drive!). From what I've read, and what I've experienced, GAL is best done in activities with others, to take your mind off the situation at hand and focus on meeting new people, making conversation NOT about your sitch, and trying new things.
Hope your son feels better really soon. Maybe when he's recovered, you could look up some activities in the nearest town that you could take him to and do together and meet other parents. Or you can ask your H to look after him for the day while you go into town and try a new activity.
Hi Susan,
When he told me, I said okay and left the room. I was quiet the rest of the night though, so he knew I was upset. I think that due to our money situation, I need to get a full time job. It will remove stress from both of us. I just wanted to wait one more year so that my son would be kindergarten age. There is no guarantee that I'll be able to get a job in the fall as my teacher pay scale is high and they often go for newer, cheaper teachers.
I am trying very hard to stay detached and work on me. When he wants to talk, I validate what he's saying and generally ask if there is anything I can do to help. When he says no, I thank him for talking with me and being open. I started with a counselor today and I think it will be a good match. I have a lot of childhood trauma that makes my emotions get pulled in when I don't want to. She's going to teach me some techniques to keep detached.
I signed up for a dog class on Sunday nights so that I will not be around at that potential powder keg time. Hopefully it helps.
How's your week going?
I too am having the problem that he seems more distant the more I GAL. Anyone else want to speak to this issue? Am I detaching too much?
Hi Susan,
When he told me, I said okay and left the room. I was quiet the rest of the night though, so he knew I was upset. I think that due to our money situation, I need to get a full time job. It will remove stress from both of us. I just wanted to wait one more year so that my son would be kindergarten age. There is no guarantee that I'll be able to get a job in the fall as my teacher pay scale is high and they often go for newer, cheaper teachers.
I think you just need to make sure whatever you do, you make the decision for you, and not because of what he said. Weight up your options and decide what's best FOR YOU (you might want to speak to a lawyer about child support and financials, as well).
I am trying very hard to stay detached and work on me. When he wants to talk, I validate what he's saying and generally ask if there is anything I can do to help. When he says no, I thank him for talking with me and being open. I started with a counselor today and I think it will be a good match. I have a lot of childhood trauma that makes my emotions get pulled in when I don't want to. She's going to teach me some techniques to keep detached.
I signed up for a dog class on Sunday nights so that I will not be around at that potential powder keg time. Hopefully it helps.
How's your week going?
Great on the counsellor, hope it is help! And good news on the dog class too.
Anything else you can do to get out and GAL?
I too am having the problem that he seems more distant the more I GAL. Anyone else want to speak to this issue? Am I detaching too much?
What are you like when you are around him? Are you distant?
I don't think detaching is the problem per se, because detaching is just about removing your attachment to the outcome, and his actions and reactions.
But what I realised I was doing was becoming distant and cold when in the house with H. I went too far in trying to GAL, and thought it meant I shouldn't show any interest in H. I don't know if that's what you're doing or not. I made an effort to be friendlier and speak to him about his day and things have been much, much warmer this week.
Someone might shoot me for this, and btw I'm NOT recommending this because I don't know if it's the right thing or if it would work in your case but I also invited H to do a couple of things with me this week. Definitely not dates and I tried not to be pursuing, just casual things I would have done otherwise or was thinking of doing (that I wouldn't have been upset over if he said no). We had a really great time, and he seemed a lot less distant, and much nicer after (complimenting me on my appearance, thanking me for my cooking, being much friendlier and hugging and touching a lot more).
But like I said, I definitely wouldn't recommend it, because I'm not sure it's right for every case (or even mine).
Do you have a DB coach? I'm having my second call tonight and I'm going to discuss this with her.
I would love to have a DB coach, but just don't have the money to do so. I am friendly with him as most days he acts as if everything is normal. I just think that my outside life is so busy now that I'm not around as much to talk with him if he wants to.
I think, by reading Sandy's rules, that it's okay to invite him to join you on excursions as long as your clear that you're going one way or the other. I'm glad he's been warmer this week for you!
Backtracking a bit. Can you please detail your marital history? What issues were there? What kind of conflicts? Was their any problems that he had with you and vice versa? Be as detailed as possible.
Wow, Mr. Bond. Okay, this could be complicated. We have been together for 23 years and married 17. We got together when he was 19 and I was 21. I suffer from PPST from sexual abuse from age 3 - 15 and then raped in college. When we first got together, I started counseling for the first time. I went to counseling and after over 9 years, was able to escape most of my demons. While this was happening, my husband and I did not have intercourse. We messed around, but I was never able to go all the way. I know, TMI, but you asked for full details. He asked me to marry him knowing I might never be able to be fully intimate. Luckily around the 8 year mark, that was fixed. He has always had a bigger appetite than me, but we did okay. It has been the only thing we have ever really fought about though. Otherwise, we have been each other's best friend or so I thought. After trying for many years, in 2011 we had a beautiful son delivered to us and I thought we had the dream. Now, three years later I find that he is unhappy in his life. He says it's not me or our relationship, but that he has lost himself and does not know what to do. He also told me that he has spent too much time making sure that I'm happy that he doesn't know how to do anything else. He always thinks of me and our son first. He also says he knows that I've often told him to be honest with his feelings, but he didn't want to hurt me ever.
In the 23 years we've been together, he has not developed any other friendships without me around. He goes to work and comes home. He has never found a hobby or gone without me. I've urged him to for years, but he says he feels bad not being with me. Two weekends ago was the first time he did and I was thrilled for him. He truly does seem lost but as he is so introverted, he won't go talk to a counselor.
He is now sleeping in a separate bedroom, but often acts like nothing has changed.
I just don't want to lose him, so I've been trying to follow the DR and focus on myself and my son.
I will add that I know a lot of his stressors and am trying to address them. He has been repeatedly promoted in his job which makes him hate it more as he has to deal more with people, we added an 80,000 dollar addition to our house when we didn't really have the money, we live paycheck to paycheck, and our sex life is never as active as he would like. I'm trying to go back to full time work and to say yes more often (although he's not asking atm).
"I know, TMI, but you asked for full details."
That's fine. In fact, we need more information than what you just wrote. Don't worry, this is a safe place to open up. You may be challenged or questioned if something doesn't sound right, but the more you tell us, the better.
"It has been the only thing we have ever really fought about though."
You've been together for a very long time. I'm sure there were other things you fought about. What were they? What traits did he not like about you and you, him?
"He also told me that he has spent too much time making sure that I'm happy that he doesn't know how to do anything else. He always thinks of me and our son first. He also says he knows that I've often told him to be honest with his feelings, but he didn't want to hurt me ever."
Based on your background, this is probably true. What if he had told you he was unhappy about something? How do you take it?
"He has never found a hobby or gone without me. I've urged him to for years, but he says he feels bad not being with me. Two weekends ago was the first time he did and I was thrilled for him. He truly does seem lost but as he is so introverted, he won't go talk to a counselor."
Do you go out? Even before?
"I just don't want to lose him, so I've been trying to follow the DR and focus on myself and my son."
What have you actually changed to get a positive response?
We've fought about my family, as it is a typical Irish Catholic family, and my role has been the caretaker, including my adopted sister who is a year younger than me. We've argued about money as I have never been as budget minded as I should be, we also eat out more than we should. And of course, sex. Those are the big hot buttons.
He doesn't like how I micromanage things. I'm a lot better than used to be, but it still crops up sometimes. I've been told it's part of the PTSD, but I don't accept that I can't change it.
I don't like that when he's upset, he goes silent for days until he's ready to talk about it. It makes me tense and nervous until he does talk. I also don't like how he sees everything in black or white as I tend to see both sides.
How do I take it when he gets upset? For the first 19 years of our marriage, not very well. I have IBS and the major trigger for it is stress. So if he gets upset, I get physically ill. Up until 4 years ago, I just thought I was crazy. Then they found out I have severe IBS and getting sick when stressed is part of the disease. So now when he gets upset, I can stick through because I know what's going on with my body and what to do. Doesn't stop me from getting sick, but at least it's not as bad as it used to be. He loves me though, and I fully understand why he doesn't want to upset me. I can't change that I have the disease though and am trying to explain to him that even though later I might be ill, I want to hear his thoughts and am grateful when he shares.
I go out for dog events, family, and play dates with my son. My husband has gone out with me, but never alone unless it's work related. We often went out together before our son was born. Since he was born, we've gone out together twice in almost 4 years.
I have changed my spending habits, which he made a comment in a positive light the other day, and I have stopped texting him unless he texts me first, unless it's something important about our son. I have seen an increase in his texting me. Recently I went out with friends for my birthday, and asked if he wanted me to text when I was headed home. (sometimes our dogs will bark and wake our son) He said no. I had a great time with my friends and was headed home around 10:15 when I received a text from him asking if I was coming home. This was after he moved into a separate bedroom. I took that as a positive sign. As I haven't tried to keep him with me at night to watch tv or talk, we had both been going to be early. Me to read and I don't know for him. This past week, he has started staying downstairs with me longer. I think this are all good signs. He doesn't bring up the problem we're having and based on the DR book, I'm not bringing up either.
What else would you like to know? This board has been keeping me from falling apart emotionally, and I appreciate any help. I truly do think he's unhappy and just looking for a way to find himself. I'm upset that I didn't notice how unhappy earlier. This all came out two weeks after he found out he did not get a job he wanted in Alaska. We live in NH. I was fully onboard with moving, btw. I think he thought a move would fix everythink
He said today that the only way to his happiness is for him to leave.
Am I still on moderation?
"We've fought about my family, as it is a typical Irish Catholic family, and my role has been the caretaker, including my adopted sister who is a year younger than me."
Could you elaborate?
"We've argued about money as I have never been as budget minded as I should be, we also eat out more than we should."
And so you just didn't listen to him before? Is that it?
"And of course, sex. "
What do you mean by this?
“Could you elaborate?”
I have a hard time saying no to my family, so even though they live far away, I tend to let them walk all over me. For example, my sister has brought her family up for vacation every year and stays at our house for two days on the way up. It is always on our wedding anniversary, which frustrates both of us, but I’ve never been able to tell her no. I’ve told her it bugs me and it’s inconvenient, but never just flat out no. I have an adopted younger sister who has borrowed money and puts me through a lot of emotional stress telling me that I don’t love her enough and then flipping and saying I’m the only one that cares for her. My husband would have preferred I cut all ties with my family as the majority of my PTSD is because of them. I’ve gotten better at setting boundaries, but too little, too late.
“And so you just didn't listen to him before? Is that it?”
He hasn’t liked me spending money on my family and from the years of 2011 – 2013, I didn’t listen when I should have. We had lived for twenty years on two salaries, and I don’t think I thought enough about the lack of my salary in our general life. I was too wrapped up in being the stay at home mom to our new son.
“What do you mean by this?”
As I stated earlier, sex is hard for me. We’ve been more active than we ever were before my son was born, but never enough for him. I was stuck in a rut and needed to be alerted to that. Now, I want to be intimate, but he feels I am only doing it because he brought leaving. When we have had sex since, he says it’s a mistake because he’s forcing me to do it. That makes me mad, because I have the choice to say no and he’s taking that away from me.
In all honesty, in the 23 years we’ve been together, we really haven’t fought much. That’s one of the biggest problem. We would talk, but not bring up the things that we were really upset about because neither one of us wanted to hurt the other.
Yesterday he told me that he wants to be my best friend, but not my lover and he needs to leave to find a better counterpart because he is still not happy. When I asked him what he wanted in a different counterpart, he said just someone that might make him happy. I made him forget about being unhappy for years, but he can’t ignore it anymore. I told him he didn’t need a different counterpart, he needed to find out how to find himself first or he will have the same problem. He also assured me that he would give me a month notice before he moves out, but he doesn’t know what to do. He talked to me yesterday he said because he misses having talks with me but doesn’t want to give me false hope.
I know I’m not supposed to believe anything he says, but it’s hard to ignore his words.
Am I still on moderation, or is my thread locked?
Am I still on moderation, or is my thread locked?
I believe you're still on moderation (because it says "New Member" under your username).
How are you holding up Erin? Do you have any GAL lined up for tomorrow? (I'm really not looking forward to Valentine's Day, don't know about you!)
Hi Susan! I am totally GALing tomorrow! My son and I are headed for Staten Island to visit my sister and I decided to make it an adventure. Car, train, subway, ferry, and taxi. My little guy will have a blast. I totally need this weekend after the past week.
How are you doing? Have the ADs helped yet? Just treat tomorrow as a regular day. That's what I'm trying to do. It was very hard not to get my H anything for the day though.
That sounds like fun! Enjoy it!
I think the ADs are kicking in, I feel a lot more positive generally, still have down moments but both a friend and H have commented I seem really happy.
I have plans this evening with a friend but I'm struggling with what to do all day. Might see if my friend can meet me a bit earlier.
I know what you mean - it was hard for me too not to get him anything. I suggested an activity this weekend and he asked me when and it was really hard not to suggest today and to just tell him it was up to him when.
My son and I are headed for Staten Island to visit my sister and I decided to make it an adventure. Car, train, subway, ferry, and taxi. My little guy will have a blast. I totally need this weekend after the past week.
Its going to be a COLD day on the ferry stay warm!
Looks like we might get some snow too!
Fun trip so far, but now I'm laying at my sister's house missing my H. I probably just need some sleep. What did you end up doing with your day? Did your H suggest anything to do this weekend? This was my first family trip without mine. Just feels odd, not right. I wanted to text him before going to bed, but I stopped myself.
My son had an awesome trip, Cadet. And it wasn't too cold when we came in. Going out tomorrow might be colder though.
Had a rather quiet day - H left early to go help a friend who was hosting dinner... I went to a coffee shop and read most of the afternoon, then went to a gig with a friend.
Today H and I are going to a maze in a local park.
It's good you stopped yourself texting H, it's hard though I know. Hope you had an ok day otherwise. ((()))
Feeling very alone tonight.
Hugs. What has been happening with you lately Eirin?
Feeling very alone tonight.
Keep posting here and you will know that you are not alone but have the power of this forum at your side.
Just living in limbo. H is distant and my family is up. Makes me remember how it's been. Trying to be strong, but late at night, it's very lonely. I was diagnosed with shingles this past week which is probably adding to it. Cadet, I know I can post on here, but I don't want to whine, which is what I'm doing now. Only showing a PA to my H though during the day.
I don't want to whine, which is what I'm doing now.
Actually I think this is a perfect place to whine.
We can even send you virtual ((((((HUGS))))))
Eirinn, please don't worry about whining, we are here to support you! Especially if you feel like you have to keep up the PMA in front of H all the time - you need somewhere to release, so please, do keep posting here and we will do all we can to help.
(((())))
Something that I'm having a hard time with is that most of my friends are telling me to kick my H out of the house. That living in limbo isn't right. I know Michelle talks about this in her book. I feel like as long as he is still living with us there is more hope. Right?
Something that I'm having a hard time with is that most of my friends are telling me to kick my H out of the house. That living in limbo isn't right. I know Michelle talks about this in her book. I feel like as long as he is still living with us there is more hope. Right?
Yes, it's really common I think. Your friends see you in pain and they want you out of it.
Most of my friends have also told me to kick H out, "D the @*$(£$&", etc.
At the end of the day though you need to do what's right for you. It's your M, not your friends'.
What do you want, E?
I want my husband and BF back happy. Someone told me I would know when it was time to tell him to go. But I don't feel that yet. Most days, I do great. It's just that moment before I go to sleep that I waver.
Hugs. It's hard, I think we all have our times of day where it's hardest and PMA takes the biggest hit. For me, it's usually morning. Keep going Eirinn, I know it's hard but I do think it will get easier over time. Make sure you keep going out and GAL-ing and doing stuff for you. What are you doing this weekend?
My family was around all week for a visit. They went home today. I went out and spent the morning with a friend, and then came home. My H went out snowshoeing. Not sure what tomorrow will bring. We added an entire floor to our dream house this past summer and I'm moving into the master suite tomorrow. My H is sleeping in the guest room. I normally take a class on Sunday night, but it was cancelled this week. Might head to my room early after my son is asleep and read book 2 in the Outlander series.
What are you doing Susan?
I went shopping today and got a new dress, top, underwear and some jewelery. Tomorrow my friend is hosting a brunch - expect it will be fun and probably also end up lasting well into late afternoon. Hope you find something fun to do tomorrow!
That sounds like a lot of fun! Enjoy yourself and your new clothes!
Okay, so I moved into the master suite today, and I'm putting up a picture display that my sister in law gave me. My question is, Is it okay to include a wedding picture in the collection or should I not include any pictures of my H?
Hi Eirinn, my take is that it's a personal choice (I don't know if others will disagree). If it's your room, and your space, it depends on how you will feel seeing that picture. Will it upset you to see that picture? Or is the display and the other pictures important enough to you that you would rather have the display up and think it will bring you enough joy that it will overshadow any sad feelings you get from seeing the picture of your H? You can always take it down, later, if you feel you need to.
So, my H just texted me asking if we anything going on March 14 & 15. I said no and he told me he might go away that weekend.
Do I ask him where, ask him anything, or just ignore it?
I think standard advice would be don't ask him anything. Make your own plans for that weekend! Think of it this way - you've got 2 weeks to make great plans for that weekend.
Help. Did anyone see my last post? Tonight my H came home and told me he is going to NY in two weekends to see a Broadway show with one person. I told him I hope he has fun. Right move or not?
Just saw your reply Susan. Thanks. Maybe I can set up a play date fun for my son and I.
Susan, am I doing something wrong? I love talking with you because it seems like we have very similar circumstances and your advice really helps. I'm not getting replies from others though. Like Mr. Bond was asking me some questions and then disappeared. I know you said your threads were locked...or is there something else I can do to open up my thread for other people to view?
Hi Eirinn
I felt like you when I first started posting. As time went on, I got to know other sitches better and I started posting on their threads. And when you've posted to someone, they'll often come back and post on yours. And in time, you build up some more regular contact with others on the forum.
It can be helpful to look for others who had a similar BD date to yours, as they are likely at a similar stage in the DB journey too. Or have a look at their circumstances and start posting on threads for others in a similar situation to your own.
Best of luch Eirinn!
Eirinn, I know how you feel. I am in the same boat. I have felt alone all these months with no one to talk to and now people on here started helping me. Than they disappear. It is hard for us and what we are going through. But the others on here have their own lives. Some of them are still here just to help others. Their marriages are already reconciled. I have not been on her very long. I have received some great help. Patience has been hard. I keep reading other peoples situations and read the responses and pick up little things from that. Hope that helps. I don't feel right giving advice as I am learning as well, but I will always listen
Erinn - like Toots and Joe said, I'd say comment on others' threads. You may not feel you have the experience to give advice but there's probably still stuff you can help on. Often we are able to see others' situations more clearly than our own. Or if you can't offer advice, often you can offer moral support. Also, you can learn a lot from other's threads and experiences. If you comment regularly often people will return the favour. Also I think the more active you are and more you post on your own thread, more responses you will get. The threads tend to fall off the first page after time and then people won't find them as easily once they're no longer top of the list. So the more you post, the more they will find their way to the top.
Thanks everyone! I will try that. I read many posts a day but haven't felt qualified to comment mostly. Reading other's sitches does help a lot though. As I'm in a very rural environment and have a three year old, I battle loneliness at night. Talking on here helps tremendously though!
I can totally relate to what you are saying. I live in a very small town. I have not had anyone to talk to at all. I have read Divorce Remedy and I am reading it again. I have taken notes on things I need to work on. And I have made my list of goals. I am going to change them a little because my situation has changed some. Reading the posts, especially the posts cadet put on your welcome post has helped me a ton. I keep reading them and ask the vets on here for advice. They know. Some of it is hard, but they know. I was so lost till I came here.
I think I've read the book four times now. I'm doing my 180s and LRT but it's hard. I have found some ways to GAL which has helped. Susan has been a huge help too. It's very hard to have patience though.
Happy to help as much as I can, Eirinn. I know it's hard to be patient. Just keep on going! And GAL some more if you can, it's helped me a lot!
Patience has always been hard for me. I struggle so much. But I am getting better. I start doing a few 180's and a few days later, I wonder why nothing had changed. But than I stop and realize it has only been a few days. Since I am in the house everyday after work, I eat dinner with the family. If wife talks about anything, I listen and look at her. I don't bring up alot of conversations. But I walk around acting happy. I actually listen to music with my head phones at night and while I walk around the house getting ready for bed, I sing!!LOL! My kids laugh at me, but it helps me a bunch. And I don't look like I am sitting around depressed all the time. Oh and I exercise. And do Tai Chi!! Relaxes me.
Joe, I love the idea of listening to music. Maybe I'll do that. I think that while I kept a PMA to my husband, when I heard that he was going to NY overnight with a person, I think I started believing that I had lost any chance of him staying and working it out. But then I remembered that back in October when he first told me that he was unhappy, "I" told him to take weekends for himself if that would work. Maybe he's testing to see if I really mean it. It doesn't mean that I've lost anything. I'm just showing that I will support him in rediscovering himself while I take care of myself.
Right?
I am not experienced enough to advise you. Maybe one of the others can chime in.
A lot of what you do is hinging on your H's actions first. What have you been doing for yourself? Put the emphasis on you.
Mr.Bond, I have started teaching dog agility one night a week, and then taking a class on Sundays for myself. I'm working out twice a week at the Y and making sure to meet at least once a week with friends. I'm also making sure that I'm reaching out at night with friends or on here if I'm feeling low. The biggest thing I've done for myself is to start counseling.
Is that what you mean?
I get so much mixed advice from friends, which I know Michelle talks about. I just get confused sometimes. When I do, I go back to the book. I think I responded to his announcement well enough.
"Is that what you mean?"
Perfect. So what kind of C have you been going to? What are some of your goals that will increase positive interactions with your H?
I'm going to IC as my H is not interested in going. She's helping me define ways to GAL, take care of my son, and stay sane.
Goals:
1) making sure I look my best everyday
2) losing weight, and going to the gym three times a week
3) Keeping a PMA instead of obsessing over everything
4) getting my resume ready to apply for a full time teaching job for the fall
5) being more budget minded with our money and actually paying the bills. In the past we split it that he paid them and I dealt with any problems that require verbal interaction. My H is extremely shy.
Sometimes in the quiet, I feel like I'm ignoring the problem and I feel the anxiety just waiting to hit me. But I'm not ignoring it, I'm choosing to fix it by being a better self and not a harpy wife.
Hi Eirinn, you're not ignoring the problem and you're making lots of progress. Part of the challenge is managing your anxieties at quieter times. I find going to bed the hardest time. In the mornings I get straight up and put coffee on - but turning the light out at night I find more tough. But the good news is that what our minds are doing is something we can influence.
Lots of people on this site seem to find the Headspace app helpful. I'm thinking of giving that one a try. People also advise just sitting with the anxiety - you talk of it 'hitting' you as though it is a violent thing, but if you just say hello to it and sit with it, it may feel less intense perhaps?
You're doing really well Eirinn - nice to see you getting 'out there' on other sitches too!
T :-)
Thanks Toots! I'm just now learning that to get through this I need to talk and not burrow into myself! I like the idea of just sitting with it. I know a little about mindfulness and yet never gave it a thought with my current sitch. I'm also repeating a lot that I am not my situation, I'm just living through it.
Went to a meeting tonight and wore earrings and a necklace for the first time in three years.
I'm feeling very low today. Didn't sleep well last night as my son had several bad dreams. Managed about three hours. As I have IBS, lack of sleep makes me physically ill. So it's hard to have a PMA when I just want to crawl into bed, but I have my 3 year old to worry about. I know tomorrow will be better, but I have to keep reminding myself.
I think I'm also tired about trying to figure out if I should do/say anything about his NY trip on the 14th. I don't want to chase after him, but do I deserve to have more of an explanation? Running in circles when you're tired is no fun.
On the plus side, I woke up to my son cuddling me and saying "You're the best, mommy." Love that boy.
Oh, oh, oh! On another plus side, (I have many sides
) I got a thank you from my H today for dealing with a tricky financial situation.
So, do you suspect he is having an A and going to NYC with an OW?
Hi Eirinn
Sorry you didn't have the best night. It's tough being bone weary and with a little one. Hopefully you'll sleep like a log tonight.
I just wanted to say in respect of the NY trip. Have a think about what's your goal here. And is what you want to do going to bring you closer or further away ( as MWD says.)
Also, what would be a 180 for you in respect of the trip. It's often the things we are most bothered about that are worth experimenting with as 'raising concerns' may nor be the most effective approach in terms of your sitch.
Hope you have a good day x
Susana, I would swear he's not, but it's hard not to suspect. He told me he's going with another person, which is odd phrasing and then told me that all he had to pay for was "HIS" hotel room. I know, I'm analyzing way too much. My IC said I should bring it up, but in DB I shouldn't as that is R talk. He has never cheated on me that I know of.
Toots, the hard thing is I don't know exactly what my 180 would be as he has never gone out by himself in the 23 years we've been together unless with me or work related. I did give him a heartfelt, "I hope you have fun." and dropped it at that to go play with my S. My gut tells me I should leave at that but then I tend to over think everything. Thus my 180 was a short, nice comment and then move on instead of dwelling. But of course I am dwelling on it, just not showing him.
Sorry, if I don't quite make sense. Still very tired. Hoping S is asleep soon so I can hit the sack.
Thanks again for this place everyone.
I had a dream last night, and woke up with a pounding heart. I lived for six months by myself when I was 21. Other than that, I have never been alone. I think that's what I'm most afraid of.
I think that's what I'm most afraid of.
That's probably your biggest fear. I love the Carnegie books on how to embrace your fears. One of the suggestions is to look at what the worst could be logically.
The book is
How to Stop Worrying and Start Living I think it's a good read. It helped me last time I was in this and is helping me now.
Oh, that sounds like the book for me!!! I'll check it out, thanks!
Hi Eirinn
I can understand your fear. I lived alone for about 10 years before meeting H, so it hasn't been too hard for me to do that again. What I will say is that living alone has tremendous upsides. You can spend your day not having to cater to anyone else (other than S of course.) There are no compromises to make. You can have whatever decor you choose, watch what you want on TV, buy what you like to eat, don't cook if you don't want to, read your book if you want to etc etc.
What I will say is that when I live on my own I like to have neighbours and I like to get to know them. I feel much more secure when that's the case. I loved our little family before BD - but I also feel happy living alone. If you can face and overcome your fears, you may find you love it too....what's the worst that can happen? :-)
Thanks, Toots. The neighbor part sounds right. H told me that when he decides he wants to leave, he will give me a month notice. As we live in a very rural setting and both my S and my friends are 40 minutes away, I'm thinking that I will tell him to stay and I will move to where all my support is. I have a huge support in the nearby town and my S goes to school there.
I've had some revelations today, but I need to get to sleep so I'll save some for tomorrow. The worst that can happen with me on my own is that I'll get into my head too much, but as I'll be working full time (I hope), GALing, and taking care of my S, maybe I shouldn't be worried about that.