Pregnant w H who doesnt want it and had affair

What to do

This is my 1st time posting and I really need help. My question is at the bottom. Its like a soap story so sorry for the long post...

Before my H and I got together, I told him I wanted kids and this was a dealbreaker to me for starting a relationship but he said he wanted a kid too and 2 was ok just not 3 (his ex had 3 kids from a previous relationship).
A year and a half after the birth of our daughter (whom he dearly loves) he started to backtrack on no 2. He's got some serious ocd's and might have a mild form of autism and/or adhd, so he cant handle chaos or busy-ness well. I get that. But a 2nd was part of the deal. My ovaries were literally all over the place.
I pressured him and tried to convince him for a year. One night we did it w/o protection and I got pregnant. He warmed up to the idea until we found out it was twins. He said he couldnt survive that and neither would our marriage. But he would actually like another baby so if I aborted we could try again AND work on our marriage (he felt unheard and distrespected because of my pressuring and tho we had regular s** he wanted more experimental stuff than i was comfortable with. He said I was tired a lot and too busy w our daughter and not enough w him so we were having problems).
I did the abortion to save our marriage and family but regretted it immediately (religious) got depressed after and was very sad and negative and blamed him partially. He was already gone 3 nights a week before the abortion but after he went on a party spree (dance lessons) 4-6 nights a week. About 4 weeks after the abortion he started an affair. I didnt find out till 3 mo later. During it he backtracked on trying again. Later I understood why.
I confronted him in a controlled manner about the affair (unprotected s** too) and tho he was very unapologetic he agreed to end it and work on us. But before working on us first he needed space. So he kept dancing, 5-6 nights a week to calm down. OCD's....

After the abortion my body didnt recover. During all this I was being investigated for infertility and it was said I could surely not get pregnant soon (maybe never). A month after discovering the affair I discovered I was 4w pregnant again.

H went totally off it. I said I cant abort again. I would become more depressed, didnt believe it would save the marriage anymore and most of all I felt it was morally wrong.
He feels distespected by a decidion he does nog support, had no say in and a bsby he doednt want. For the rest of his life.

Ever since we ve spiralled down. We havent had s** since beginning Nov.
He finally agreed to councelling but 3d before (a week ago) he dropped the D bomb.

He says he cant do it anymore, he's been miserable for a year now and he doesnt want to split up our family and loves me but not like before. And he s too hurt and angry that Im taking part of his life away by refusing to abort the baby and he's not attracted to me anymore and thinks it ll never work cause Im sexually not adventurous enough and he isnow finally getting female attention he missed when he was younger and he wants to enjoy that with women more adventurous without hurting me. And he likes to do activities w me but doesnt want the responsability so best we D before he cheats again.

He wants me to stay with him in his house until after the baby is born so he can help out. But my friend says he s doing it for HIM so he can feel less bad (making your 5mo pregnant wife leave weighs on him and looks bad) and that with D come consequences like missing out on having access to your kids full time and he should feel that.

Now after a horrible weekend he's calmed down a bir. Says he foednt want us to split but he csnt do thus any more. Aagreed to come to counceling but to fill in how we can move forward, most likely in divorce.

Im so conflicted. It would physically and financially be easier for me to stay.
And Im hoping that he ll change his mind on us if he sees me independent and happy and active DB'ing. Im trying to do a 180.
But I dont want him to 'ease' in to separation while not feeling consequences. While maybe starting with another woman.
WHAT SHOULD I DO??? STAY OR GO??
Any other advice??

Therapy yesterday and he said he might be willing to try to stay but he really cant stop himself from cheating much longer as he has needs plus he really wants to 'make up for all the attention he never got when he was younger' so the only way to do it is if I accept that he will see other women for an (as of yet undetermined) period of time.
I know its easier to DB when we re in the same house but im 5mo pregnant and doing practically everything myself and he's gone 4-5 nights a week and moody when he is home, I just dont know if I can do this.

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Dear Cadet,

Thank you for your respons. With get out do you mean move out or just going out to do fun things?

And what do I do if he insists on seeing other women? Should I leave? Should I ignore it or accept it while i GAL?

I don't think I've ever said this in 9 years on this forum, but you need to kick this man to the curb and run very fast.

He's NOT a man of quality!

Starsky

I am pretty much with Starsky on this.

First of all

Take care of yourself.
Take care of you small child.
Take care of your unborn child.

Let him go and do whatever he chooses,
you did not break him and you can not fix him.

I dont think Im there yet. I mean Hillary Clinton and Bill wouldnt be together if she d done that after everything he did.
I have a friend who went through something similar besides the cheating and they are now doing really well.
And where am I gonna go with my daughter at 5mo pregnant? I cant just get up and leave (though do consider it at times).
Is there anyone else out there who has been through this and made it? How did you manage?

Originally Posted By: Mom22

Is there anyone else out there who has been through this and made it? How did you manage?

Ummm Starsky!

Follow his advice!

Hello Mom22 - I'm very sorry your are in this very difficult position. I hope you'll find here the advice and support to get you through this. I'm not a veteran like Cadet and Starsky, so all I can provide is support.

I'm not surprised that Cadet and Starsky309 already told you that your H doesn't seem to be a fitting husband and father at this stage.

In any case, he needs to realize that babies are made by two people, so he can't blame the pregnancy on you. It's not a conceive-and-abort business. Also, as a father of two, I'm telling you that you're not "taking part of his life away" by having another baby, you're adding to his life. Sure, less time for his buddies and dance lessons (and whatnot), but is that the kind of guy you want by your side?

You seem to need a stronger R than what he currently offers. Either he needs to shape up or he needs to go.

The wonderful thing about DB is that it's very often the same thing you need to do whether you want to save your M or go on your own. It's about standing tall and strong, doing what's right for you and your kids. WAS are attracted to such strong and independent people and they start doubting it was a good idea to dump us altogether. If they leave anyway, then you're ready and save yourself. The alternative is... there is no alternative.

You say you don't know where you would go. That's normal at this stage. But have you thought about it? Have you made a plan? If not, I encourage you to take a few days to really think about it. Imagine that he IS throwing you out. Surely, you wouldn't end up frozen under a bridge? Then what would you do? Take the time to really detail what you would do. Write it down. Add to it over time.

I suggest this because it seems to me that your first step to have a clearer mind is to reduce your perceived vulnerability to your H. Then you'll have options. I wonder if he realizes that you are vulnerable (can't leave) and takes advantage of it?

I hope you've already bought Divorce Remedy. It's mandatory reading because it's the source of the advice around here and it will help you make sense of what you read on these boards.

Good luck.

Hi Mom22 and welcome. We are all here to support you

It would be worth you having a call with a coach as your situation is pretty complex. and I would not normally direct someone to yet another coach or therapist of IC. I am not a coach myself, but have talked to two different coaches over the years--just so you know.

You can even ask for Virginia or email Virginia with the short version of your story and she will match you with the right person.

This is not to push you off, but to direct you to professionals. You are pregnant and you have a child. And you have YOU.

Thank you Mozza and Happy1. Really appreciate your responses.
Ive been exploring my mortgage options (this house is 100% his so I can leave without debt). I dont qualify for affordable rent.
My main issue is I will not get buying a place sorted before delivery.Thats why Im hoping there s still an option otherwise im stuck here for at least 7-9 months. With a (probably) cheating husband. After delivery Im in no position to make clear decisions (sleep deprived etc) and will physically not be up for moving, etc.
I could stay w my mom but not for such an extended period of time and with 2 kids (she has one 2 by 2.5 square metre guestroom)..
I have Divorce Busting (very good book) and have been considering a 180 which is basically a GAL. I think. It has worked for my friend. Im not yet consistent enough though. We re going to a solution focused therapist since Mon to help us decide what to do.
Maybe its indeed time to accept that if I can 180 and GAL more he might still not change. Im just wondering how some women stay with an unfaithful husband long enough and how they got them to change.

Why can't you rent a place? There's a discussion in Maybell's thread about buying or not. Even though most Americans assume that buying is cheaper, it's not always the case. Also, with 2 kids, it would be much better for you to outsource maintenance and worries to a landlord. You could rent for a few years, save the difference (when you rent, your savings are the equivalent of your equity when you buy) and buy later. Perhaps with a new person. Or perhaps you'll move back in your current house with your chastised H. ;-)

Im in Europe and in a big city. Renting privately is at least (!!) �1000,- a month. And then the neighborhood [censored]. I dont qualify for social rent as Im not on welfare and have a reasonable/good salary. I could get a mortgage for �900,- a month.

Sorry I didnt watch my language (so a word got censored). I meant thst those neighborhoods are not where I d like to raise kids. Over here private rent is ridiculously expensive.
I ve been raised bilangual but in Europe so there may be some different interpretations of words as well, as I was raised more jn the UK english then US english.

So in this city, poor people buy and rich people rent? I'm a little skeptical that it's really as you described. I've lived in several cities, including in Europe and while the balance is different everywhere, it's never this lopsided in favor of buying (market would correct that quickly). Again, this is just for your sake and not to discuss mortgages here, but unless you've got this data based on personal research, I encourage you to do a little more research on the renting side. It's important in your situation to have the right data.

Hi mozza

I'm in the uk, fraid to say yes this the case with a but! Rental is pricey...here it comes..but...no 20% deposit. Here the deposit for a normal house is about �30-40,000 or $45,500 but at v low rates the mortgage itself is low, with limited stock rental is about �1000 pcm at least here in the southern uk. Hope that helps.

I don't post often, and I'm not vet but I'm moved to respond. I agree with Starsky snd Cadet fully. I'm just in awe at the utter disrespect and callousness and I think you'd be best moving on.

Do you have family support? Right now you have to focus on you and your children. Hubby sounds like he may be in a MLC. Go to the MLC part of the forum and read there.

If it is a MLC you have no choice but to detach and try and GAL. His behaviour is immature and Narrsistic. This could go on for years.

I had a friend who's hubby wanted a divorce while she was pregnant too. He's still making a mess of his life. She went on to become a nurse, remarry and recently gave birth to a baby girl. Best of all she's happy.

Yes I ve had mortgage advice and have been to rental agencies. The system just works a bit different here. If you are registered for over 8y and have a low income you can get great rent deals but not on the private market.

Thanks I agree maybe the MLC section is a good one.
I do think it is partially something like that. He's makinh up for time lost when he was younger and not so desirable.
I know it can take years. Im just torn should i GAL and stay until after baby is born or should I just go (and then obviousky also GaL). I do already have a life though i work 4d a week and meet up with friends 1-2x a week and work out (at home cause he s generally gone).
I have no clue how to meet up more or have more hobbies when im looking for a house and arranging mortgage, daycare, moving, shopping furniture etc.

Find out what your rights are. Sock away some money while you plan your future.
Even if you stay in the marriage and and protect yourself financially.

He is not in a MLC, imho...this man has always acted this way, based on your posts.
Stay in the marriage while you act as if everything is fine(ish). Let him do whatever he wants to do, which he will do anyway.

I think of this like Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise like....tell only the people you need to, no friends, just those that need to know.

Get a plan together that allows you to stock money, search for a place near your mom, plan for the future without him which will be 7-9 months after baby is born, know your rights(as karma says) and protect your self physically and financially. While you are doing this you can observe him and see what happens and continue your current GAL plan. That may be enough for you take on at this point...only you can tell.

I have received 2 counceling calls on DB from my friend (who is practically a saint), she donated them to me. When my husband goed dancing this weekend i will call. Do i make an appointment or can i just call anytime?

Oh and i booked my first house viewing today, for next week. He knows cause i need to borrow his car for it.
Today he said (by imessage) that he just doesnt want to nor is able to put anymore energy in this relationship. And he is sorry because he knows I see it and it is hard for me. I replied its not that hard for me anymore, but its difficult to see him struggle with himself. And that Im still willing to work on us but he has to weigh what his family is worth versus his freedom. Its up to him. And lets try to make it pleasant when we re together (like tonight when we go to a dance show he booked a few weeks ago) and see what happens.
Im now preparing a 180-exit.
Im doing ok today but it remains hard. I want my kids to have a family but a MLC can take years.

mom, at least you'll have your kids. Please don't tolerate his emotional abuse. Find chump lady online. You are not alone. Protect yourself, see a lawyer, figure out your rights.

Thanks.
We went to a previously booked dance show at a theatre tonight. It was beautiful and he held my hand the whole time and hugged me after. Its so hard to not have expectations but from what I read i should prepare for a backlash. Pffff.

Oh, my H was affectionate with me too. It doesn't mean he's not seeing someone else and just stringing you along because he doesn't want to look like the bad guy and he still enjoys the attention you give him. But he is not looking out for you.
My H finally admitted his affair months down the line, after taking me to dinners and being friendly and affectionate. So please don't read too much into it. He might just want to keep you in line to keep you from being litigious.

So 2 night ago he came home at 3 and admitted he d been having another affair. With a girl who turns out to have Borderline syndrome. I stayed calm and showed no emotions while he cried. Next morning he hugged me seversl times and said he didnt know why he was throwing the best thing in his life away like this. Asked if i would be ok with going to a sexuologist (as he feels im not adventurous enough). I said sure.
But in the afternoon he said he was going dancing w her on Sunday and maybe staying the night to say goodbye but 'nothing woukd happen'. I daid do whatever you want but I am NOT ok with this.
Im just so pissed off. He was supposed to drop me and our daughter off at the train station on Monday but made a big deal out of maybe he cant. He finally caved when i put my foot down but he s just taking zero responsability.
Im trying to book more house viewings. I dont think he s actually going to be there for the baby more than occasionally. He might as well pay his own bloody bills with me living elsewhere.

Mom22,

This is called cake eating. I.e. He can have his A and also have you when he feels he needs some support (emotionally, sexually, financially, etc.)

You'll see it's a pretty common thing on here and reeks Havoc on a LBS. Especially because it looks like what we crave, some closeness from our spouse. Biggest way to see if it's poo-poo or not is consistent actions. If he's close to you then goes out with someone else, cake eating.

My heart goes out to you and your kids in all of this, I read your story and literally wish I could jump through the Internet and just give you a hug, you have a lot to deal with. However you found this website, it was for a reason. Read through here and you'll find some comfort that you are not alone in your struggles.

I agree with others that unless H has a life change, the behavior and manipulation he has done to you is inexcusable. All of us in here have tried or are still trying to 'convince' our spose to change or see their actions, etc. If you read the vets posts, you'll see it's futile. The only way they can change is if they decide themselves.

As much as you probably don't feel it, you are in control of you and your DD. Make a plan, even if you don't follow it, you'll see that you can make this work. Let him stumble around and see what he lost.

Take care of yourself. It's so easy to stop eating, sleepless nights, constant musings. I lost 30lbs in the first 6 weeks without even trying. Since you are pregnant, make sure that the baby comes first and don't allow this to happen. Get sleep, force yourself to eat, talk to others to keep your sanity.

Thank you MCS. I hope you are well. Ypur signature gives away your own personal drama. Im so sorry.
Yesterday and today were my first real despair-days. How can someone justify still being married and living together with their pregnant wife and staying the night w OWno2 to 'say goodbye'? My DD was crying when I had to tell her daddy isnt coming home tonight. I couldnt explain why causr I dont want to lie to cover his cheating backside.
My friend donated 2 phone sessions to me so im trying to make an appointment tonight (lots of time diff between here and US).
Im wondering what they will say. Besides moving on I really just dont see any options anymore.

Mom22,

Yeah the affect on the kids is heartbreaking. Don't expect that telling him that will do anything to change his mind. I'm still struggling with my wife when it comes to how this affects the kids.

So, you'll read here that somehow our spouses justify their actions. All are slightly different, but the common theme is it 'us'. We are the one that caused them to be upset or angry or wayward, you get the point. It pains us LBS deeply if we biece what they say. It's mostly always rubbish.

I would say you're in a different point coming in then many of us in that you've already started to assess your options outside of staying married. I came trying everything to 'win' W back over and try to figure out how I made her miserable and didn't even know or see it. Then as I was on here I started to see that patterns of A and they use blame to cover it up.

Good luck with your sessions, I've heard they're great. And please take care of yourself. We all go through the days of despair like you are having today, it will get easier. Just keep with it and use the boards to get out and talk about things that are bothering you.

I ve continued my post in the mlc section