Starting a new thread as the old one is about to lock.
Have been feeling pretty solid for a full month - definitely on the upswing.
Then this morning I woke up with STBX on the brain after a night of intense dreaming and I can't seem to shake him. Oddly, I'm back to feeling mostly kind of sorry for him.
I've said before that I don't really miss my husband - and that is still the case. Since he started the first affair two years ago, he has basically followed the "textbook" of treating me badly, being hostile, pushing me away, finding fault with everything I did etc. and honestly, who would miss that?
But the thing is, my STBX is not a jerk. And truthfully, in addition to loving him, I always really liked him. I've read other people's threads about how maybe the marriage was never really fulfilling. I can honestly say I was very happy most of the time (last two years excluded). When he left, he made several comments verbally and in writing about how "he couldn't believe he had turned into this guy", "he was no longer the man he once was" and that "he was a failure as a husband and father". He has since stated that "he knows this is all his fault and that he has done a terrible thing". I have no idea how sincere any of this is. My friends IRL seem to think he's just trying to get me to feel sorry for him. And yes, he has spewed a little bit since BD, but not really very much (and the stuff he has brought up has largely been nonsensical or ancient history).
I guess I feel some more sympathy for him sneaking in. I hate what he has done. I feel like he has thrown away a lot, but at this moment and time - I guess I can see the hurt he is feeling, even if I believe it is largely self imposed.
I don't trust him right now. I don't know him right now. I can't bring myself to forgive yet. But I'm glad I'm not in his shoes.
Wow...I could have written that exact post! I am so glad that there are others like you here for me to learn from and grow with. Hang in there!
Raliced, I sense a shift in your attitude towards your H. I think it's a good one.
Echo the above, take care, RD
Great post. I just had a Congo with my STBXW this morning where she was actually crying about how difficult her life is right now. She asked for this life...I agree with you post.
Raliced, I sense a shift in your attitude towards your H. I think it's a good one.
Thanks Rpp - but I doubt it will last. Saw him this morning when he picked up girls and while I still feel some sympathy, I find I am completely lacking in empathy.
He still can't look me in the eye and only responds to what I tell him (D6 needs a lunch on Thursdays because she doesn't like the school lunch etc). He never initiates any kind of conversation. He just seems to ooze guilt and shame (he even literally keeps his head down when he's around). I don't get how you can feel so badly about something and still do it.
I still feel the urge to help him somehow but it's his mess to clean up - I have enough of my own work to do.
I tremble to introduce the topic of laundry again but here goes...I did think about asking him not to do the girls laundry again. The detergent OW uses has such a powerful scent that even after I wash their clothes, it sticks around and transfers to all the other clothes in the dryer. I feel like I am getting whiffs of "Eau de OW" all day.
Just tell him you would appreciate him sending their clothes home in a Dirty clothes bag and you'll. Wash them unless they need something urgently while they stay with him. You don't have to explain it in any detail.
Have clothes at their house and clothes at your house.
I hated scented anything but it's a crazymaker for people when you bring it up. They get offended and while I wouldn't let that bother me in most situations, this is different. You've got a long life ahead with him and maybe her.
Keep the clothes in a bag in the garage and let those be the ones you send back next time.
If the Ds are allergic, that's another thing.
Control what you can control. Let the rest go.
Just got an email from STBX's lawyer.
You know - I can see and talk to STBX without butterflies anymore - but when I saw that email come up - I almost threw up. Would really, really, really like to get everything completed. (STBX and I agreed on everything two months ago and his lawyer is just supposed to be drawing up the papers).
They wanted to know about the retirement acct that he cashed out and how much of it he gave me. STBX had not disclosed any of this to him (I doubt it was malicious - I think he just saw it as "his" retirement acct rather than a marital asset. I let them know about it when I corrected a few other mistakes in his initial filing).I replied that they would need to ask their client since I have no idea how much of the money he has given me since BD came from that and how much came from his regular paycheck. You'd think they would start by asking him!
Anyway - I generally think I'm doing pretty good - but then something like this happens and all I can say is that for a minor transaction, that was an extremely powerful and unpleasant adrenaline rush. I need to let go of my fear that he will suddenly want to alter the terms of our agreement. I think about it every day.
Raliced, as comfortable as I am with S, I know that should H decide to pursue something legal, I'll be in a tailspin again. It's just a whole different ballgame. I think you are handling it well.
Wow Raliced, your first post in this thread really rings true for me. I STILL like (and love) my H, which is what makes this so hard. Like RPP says, as much as we learn to let go and cope with the present and our idea of what we think the future holds, nothing compares to actually being there. If this goes legal then it is new territory and I fully expect I too will be in a tailspin. So all things considered I thing you are doing really well.
Another tough weekend with D6.
You know - I think I'm generally a pretty mellow person. Even in the midst of this c****y situation. But I am feeling a little angry this morning. Why the heck couldn't STBX just get his own apartment and date OW for a while - why did he have to move straight in with her.
Its just too much change for a 6 year old to absorb. And there is no way to present it in the neutral way that is supposed to be best for kids. The presence of his live in girlfriend has to be explained. And I sure as heck can't do it in a way that makes STBX smell like a Rose.
D6 has singing lessons on Fridays. On the way home I asked her to sing the song she was working on. She couldn't remember the words so she sang this little ditty of her own creation
"Daddy- why did you break your promise to Mommy
Why can't you change your mind.
Why do you like Lisa better
You used to come home every day on your scooter (she means his motorcycle)
And now you don't."
He was "parent helper" in her class on Friday and apparently she had a full on Defcon 5 meltdown when he left for the day.
She said she asked him some questions about the situation and he responded that "He's a bad daddy".
&*^%$!!!
oh man.
That is a WHOLE lot for a 6-year old to take in. Wow.
She reminds me of my D7.
While we were watching Into The Woods, there's a part where the baker's wife wants to help the baker but the baker says he has to do it alone, etc. D7 leaned over to me and said, "I'd never leave. I would never walk away and not help him, even if that's what he wanted. Couples should stay together and help each other - always, don't you think, momma?"
I was dumbfounded. Well, yes, I do think so, honey, but...
... how do you say, "but your daddy disagrees, sweetheart"?
It's one thing figuring all this out in our own heads... it's quite another helping our little ones come to terms with it all.
I think all the time about how THIS, this very time will be precisely what dictates the kind of mate D7 will choose to spend her life with or whether to spend her life with anyone at all. It will determine the kind of trust she puts into a mate. It will determine how much of her heart she'll give to someone.
Throw in another woman into all that and it's just messy and confusing for a 6-year old... or even a 16-year old.
I'm so sorry, raliced.
Raliced - this is so tough, but I don't see how it's your job to make their Dad smell like a rose. Sure you don't need to slate him in any way and it's so difficult for a 6 year old to understand the situation, but I think you're handling it all with such grace and dignity.
If he wants the kids not to think bad of him then I think it's his job to do that. Could you maybe ask your D to speak to her Dad about his new living arrangements, and you could maybe explain how it was his choice and not yours? What he's done is not good for the kids, he's only thinking about himself, so let him deal with the consequences. You can just be there to comfort the kids, which I know you already do.
Thanks Ss and Stacey!
Stacey- I don't think its necessarily my job to make him look good. But the frequent advice that I read and hear - is that the kids shouldn't feel like they have to pick sides - which is why a lot of times this sort of thing is presented as a mutual decision. I actively avoid trying to show anger or pain about him, and I try very hard not to say anything bad about him for their sake. They need a loving relationship with him - and preferably one that is reasonably uncomplicated.
I've found that it is impossible to do that given his living circumstances.
She sniffed out that there was a romantic relationship between them, which had to be explained, and the fact that you're not supposed to have a girlfriend while you are married had to be explained. That led to a discussion of what marriage is (a promise) and she immediately took the leap that Daddy broke his promise etc etc. - you see how it goes.
So - since presenting it as a mutual decision is basically off the table - I generally go with "Yes- Mom is upset with Dad - but he still loves you very much and always will".
He has attempted a few discussion with her - but I don't think they really answer her questions. After all - what can he say?
So I'm sitting here, having just signed 2 major parts of my divorce papers (child custody and child support). I am of course relieved that we have this piece done and am a little surprised at how anti-climatic it all feels. My STBX has just agreed to let go of 80% of his children's childhoods. I spent yesterday going back and forth with discrepancies that I noticed and correcting errors the paralegal made. She asked me if I was a lawyer. Under the circumstances, I guess I should take that as a compliment.
You know I accepted pretty early on that he no longer loved me and that he wanted to get away from me. And while I hate it, I get how once he crossed that line into the first affair, it was sort of a downward spiral from there and that, in regards to me, his head has never really been in the same place since.
I don't get the changes in him as a father. He has talked a good game since BD( I want to be an active dad, etc), but his actions don't match his words. I sent him an email last night regarding D6 and her extracurricular activities asking for his input on what we should sign her up for this spring, how much was too much etc. All I got was a reply that whatever I thought was best was fine with him.
Anyway - there is still a property settlement that needs to be signed off on, but that one is non controversial - so I presume it should be coming shortly. My angst was around the custody issues, so I'm feeling peaceful today that this is resolved.
I guess that old "How the heck did we get here" feeling is rearing its head a bit today.
STBX has the girls tonight so I spend a peaceful evening sewing by the fire with all the pets.
Then I ventured out to the garage which I have been cleaning up bit by bit. Came across a large box of STBX's papers. I did a quick rifle to make sure there wasn't anything in there that pertained to the house that I might need, but it was all job stuff. And then low and behold, I came across a document I hadn't thought of in 7 years.
When STBX went to the police academy he had to sign a statement that he understood the rate of divorce was higher in his profession- and for some reason I had to sign it too. How we snorted at it!
It did take me back to a very different time in our lives. STBX announced his attention to become a cop when I was 6 months pregrnant and he ended up being gone throughout the entire third trimester of my first pregnancy. I was alone the entire time (other than a few weekends) in the middle of a particularly frigid winter in rural Iowa. And you know what? I was fine with it - because he was doing something that we were sure would make him feel happy and fulfilled and I had no problem taking one for the team.
Today I signed off on very different papers (see above). I miss that feeling of being a part of that team - but I guess I'm just on a different one now.
Isn't it weird? I feel even now like all this is temporary -- that all this is just part of "our" story -- and of course it is... but we're not a "we" anymore. It's not even about him not loving me. I think in his own way, he does, sort of, as well as he loves anyone, the problem being that he doesn't love anyone particularly well.
I'm glad you're feeling at peace. Enjoy your evening and stay cozy.
raliced, it's good to realize you don't need to be part of a team -- you are enough. In some ways, I'm jealous that you're further along in the process, having signed papers. I'm just embarking on that journey and am ready to fast-forward and have it behind me. Stay strong and know that you have a "team" of people here rooting for you.
Back to my regular thread.....
Am getting ready for a pretty busy weekend = Coaching D6s basketball game, taking the girls on a stagecoach ride that is being offered downtown and then treating them to go see "Paddington" tonight. Tomorrow will be all about the garden- doing some winter clean up and taking full advantage of the greenhouse that came with the property to get some seeds started.
I did have a minor revelation yesterday at work. I have a lovely boss who I enjoy working with very much, but she has is just awful at office politics, she's always picking at people for minor stuff in meetings, and consequently she has a terrible relationship with her own boss. Since, I get along with the Uberboss as well, I find myself smoothing over their upsets with each other (always over something trivial) and boy did I do that yesterday. Afterwards I had to have a tough talk with one of the parties involved.
Part of the reason I have always done well at work is that I "don't sweat the small stuff", but I also don't shy away from having hard conversations when they are needed (which I do very tactfully and in a way that usually doesn't leave bruised feelings).
I brought the first skill over to my marriage in spades, but not the second. I need to find out why. I can't tell you how many little things I with let go off with a thought that it just wasn't worth it. But major, hard conversations? We had them about practical matters (expenses, his choice of car etc) but not about any of the stuff underneath.
Good insight.
I was my best me at work (sometimes
) not at home.
I'm going to quote myself from 12/22
In addition to the cowboy boots he purchased post BD, he showed up today in a new western style jacket and shirt. The first IC I had said it sounded like he was trying on a new persona. Am waiting for the 10 gallon hat to make an appearance.
And the hat has appeared! Was talking to my sister yesterday and she said she has seen him wearing one when he picks up the kids.
I realized too, that in the few lengthy emails he sent me since BD (you know - telling me he had filed for divorce), he has been trying out a new western vernacular too- lots of "shoots" and "hecks".
My nephew goes to the same elementary school as D6 - so on the days STBX picks her up, there is always a fair chance he will run into my sister. Apparently when it happens, he is always suddenly very absorbed in his phone.
Its been a pretty good weekend so far, although D6 is still not quite her normal sunny self. I was delighted with the improvement my little basketball team made from the previous week.
I had been looking for a Divorce Care group and finally found one close enough at a time I can make - it starts in February.
Well, shoot, raliced, looks like your STBX is a real cowboy now. I mean, heck, if he has the hat, he must be.
I have thought about a Divorce Care group but haven't taken the plunge.
I haven't either. I'm curious about it but I feel so well supported in my life that I'm not sure I really need it. I also have childcare issues to consider, so there's that.
Sorry your D6 is struggling. In my family we've been reading Harry Potter aloud (I've mentioned this a few times) and the snuggle time and the built-in conversation about the books, planning for future series, etc., has done a lot to give my kids something to hang on to. My erstwhile IC (yeah, the slightly creepy one) said that that was great, because now instead of this being "the year Dad left" it will be "the year we read Harry Potter."
FWIW. I hate the way we have to help the kids cope with these things. It's one of my fears that they'll grow up to make similar choices.
I thought I'd give it a go since I haven't had much luck finding an IC. The first one (who I saw within a week of BD) was a little too tough love about the whole thing. It was basically "He's gone, he's made his decsion, he's not coming back and you need to accept it." In subsequent sessions she really pushed how happy kids could be in a divorce. I accept that you can make the best of the circumstances for the kids, I really do, but I simply couldn't subscribe to the notion that it wouldn't be a huge challenge and the that the odds of there being issues didn't just increase.
The second one just whipped out his prescription pad and wanted to put me on anti-depressants despite the fact that I don't feel depressed and am not showing any signs of depression other than some sleep issues (that are easily treated without hardcore meds)
So I figured I'd give DivorceCare a shot (they do offer options for kids too- but I'm going to wait on that one). If nothing else it will put me in contact with other people in my sitch IRL - and I don't really have any of those.
D6 is a sensitive soul and a Daddy's girl. She obviously thinks about the situation a lot - but rarely expresses anything directly. Maybell, I am trying to carve out some special reading time with her - although we're going "Chronicles of Narnia" instead of Harry Potter.
It's not a problem yet - beacuse D3 is too young to really understand it - but I also worry about the obvious favoritism STBX shows D6. When D3 was a baby she screamed her head off if anyone besides me held her (including STBX) and he just never seemed to bond with her in the same way as he did with D6. Ah well, that's a problem for another year.
At the risk of sounding cynical, there is seriously something disquieting about the range of personalities and advice received from ICs. You could go to 15 different ICs and have 15 VERY different sessions, 15 VERY different approaches and 15 VERY different outcomes. Yet, when one makes an appointment there is very little discussion on their training, approach techniques, philosophy, etc.
It amazes me and frustrates me at the same time.
Some are more life-coach than psychologist. Some are more gestault or jungian. Some pro marriage, some VERY pro medication. Then there are the ones who just sit there nodding and you have to draw all the conclusions, at $150/hour.
:sigh:
It's hard to find people MWD-like.
Raliced,
I'll be anxious to hear your report on the Divorce Care group. I'm sure it depends on each local group, but I have a concern that they turn into dump-on-X sessions. I don't want to spend any time in that space.
Why my concern? Bear with me here. I was required by law to take a "parenting course", as a party to an ongoing D. There was a point in the course where we gave a 2 minute summary of our sitch. Everyone there described a blowup, followed by someone moving out within weeks. There was a lot of anger. When I told them it had been over a year since BD and I was still standing for my M, peacefully co-residing, moving forward to my life without W, but still leaving the door open, ever strengthening my R with my kids, they looked at me like I had two heads, didn't know how I could stand it.
It made me take pause, wonder about my own sanity. I think D is prevalent, now the norm. I think the rates could be much lower if everyone just slowed down. I wondered how many of the M's in the room could be saved if people would just relax and take the time to let things unfold - take ego out of the equation. Regardless of the outcome, I am thankful that neither of us had an easy escape - with no family nearby, we are compelled to remain together throughout D. It has helped and hindered. I think we DB'ers are a particularly introspective bunch, willing to go the extra mile, maybe to our detriment, but at the end of the day, we sleep well in our deep thoughts, we are comfortable in our decisions.
BTW, FWIW. I have a pair of cowboy boots. Really nice ones. Pointy toes - bugs can't hide in corners. I bought them 12 years before I was married. I put them on this summer for the first time in about 25 years. May have to take up line dancing. No hat though.
Zew- that's good feedback. I hadn't really thought about it. And since most of my family and friends are in the "he should be tarred and feathered camp" already, I don't need anymore of that. There's not much expense involved, so if it heads that direction, I can just stop- no harm no foul.
In regards to people slowing down before D- I have to say that some of the rapid timelines I've seen from various states on this forum have given me pause. I think I could get behind some divorce law reform (and I'm not particularly political) I like the way our British friends do it- two years of separation for no fault.
I've never understood why, in the US, it takes two signatures to get married but only one to get divorce. Then they cry foul about "sanctity of marriage".
If you truly believe in the sanctity of marriage, then let's work on teaching people how to not just walk away when the going gets rough and that you get out of a marriage what you put into it.
I thought I'd give it a go since I haven't had much luck finding an IC. The first one (who I saw within a week of BD) was a little too tough love about the whole thing. It was basically "He's gone, he's made his decsion, he's not coming back and you need to accept it." In subsequent sessions she really pushed how happy kids could be in a divorce. I accept that you can make the best of the circumstances for the kids, I really do, but I simply couldn't subscribe to the notion that it wouldn't be a huge challenge and the that the odds of there being issues didn't just increase.
The second one just whipped out his prescription pad and wanted to put me on anti-depressants despite the fact that I don't feel depressed and am not showing any signs of depression other than some sleep issues (that are easily treated without hardcore meds)
That's been a big part of my hesitation in going back to IC. The first MC we had just talked about personality types and helped us (kind of) identify our types and then encouraged us to read more about them. It kind of reinforced everything taht was wrong rather than encouraging us to grow. When I called her in a panic asking her if I was wasting my time trying to save the marriage, she said "I feel sorry for you," two or three times. The second one... well, everybody who was here in September got to hear all about that. Twice bitten, third time shy? But I've consistently heard good things about DivorceCare.
I told several people I wanted to save my marriage and got way more than the two heads stare, but so what? It's my life.
After Harry Potter is Spyderwick Chronicles, then Narnia, then a couple of stand alone books, then Artemis Fowl, possibly Percy Jackson, and hopefully some classics. By the time I'm finished reading S7 will be 13 and dying to get away from me..
(I already read all of these except Spyderwick to D11; she got The Mysterious Benedict Society, which is WAY too difficult to read aloud... if you want more children's recommendations let me know!)
Oh my gosh, D7 just finished the Percy Jackson series!! She loved it! She just started the new Richard Riordan series last night and is already on page 208!!!
She also loved Spiderwick Chronicles, Harry Potter, Trumpet of the Swan, Joe's Boys... Clearly she's a BIG reader but my point is, if anyone needs recommendations, my D is full of them!!
So I had something happen to me yesterday that I'm still processing a little bit.
I am a huge Seattle Seahawks fan. I have been since the age of 10, when I first started watching football as a bonding activity with my Dad.
I have also documented here that I am not a crier and have not shed a tear since the BD.
Well- I watched the game yesterday with D6 and at the end - I just started sobbing. Not just moist eyes with a few sniffles but full on flowing tears, gasping breath and red nose. Luckily D6 thought Mom was just being weird about the football game (I gasped out in a high unnatural voice "I...am... just .. so...happy.)
Why now? Maybe because all the papers were signed last week?We're now just in the waiting period for it to become final - maybe I finally could let go.
I thought it might be cathartic - but today I'm back to my normal self - just trying to keep chit together with a healthy dose of anxiety about what this will do to the girls.
Raliced, you were overdue for a good cry. You can only bottle up so much. Hugs to you (((raliced)))
Cathartic is my guess.
I had the same thing happen a week or two ago - I was watching some movie and there was a really happy uplifting moment, and it brought a tear to my eye. That never happens - gotta watch it or I'll lose my man-card. And that was really the first tear during this whole bonanza.
You sound really good, raliced. You are one level headed, strong woman. Your girls couldn't have a better role model.
Just when I think I am going strong with my detachment - something happens to keep me humble.
STBX sent me an email to let me know he would need to drop the girls off at 4:00 one day next month. He usually drops them off at 3:30 - so this should be a non-issue.
He phrased it this way "I got forced into doing something I didn't want to do and will need to drop the girls off at 4:00".
Because STBX is dark with me (I now see him once a week when he drops off the girls and we have a shared calendar - so we don't need to exchange weekly emails anymore) - I rarely get anything beyond bare logistics. So I find myself today thinking about that one little tidbit waaaaaaay too much.
A sample internal dialogue: "Who forces him to do anything these days? It's not work or he would just say he had to work. And why is he telling me this?"
You know what? It's one sentence in a banal email exchange. Let it go, raliced. Let it go.
I know what it is:
- he finally made that appointment with the proctologist.
- OW is making him get a tattoo (of a little butterfly).
- he had a fender bender and has to take remedial squad car driving 101
- now that he has the cowboy getup, OW has signed him up for line dancing lessons.
Hah! I swear I thought of the line dancing thing too.
Today is my one day a week without both kids. I still struggle a little with it, particularly explaining to the girls who is picking them up, when they are getting dropped off etc (It's just too vivid of a reminder of their change in circumstance). D6 is old enough to understand but D3 has to be refreshed every time.
And then D3 did her usual chirping of "I get to see Lisa!". "She is so kind and boo-tiful " (Darn her precocious 3 year old way with words!). This doesn't bother me like it did previously. I've embraced that its better for them to like her and be ok with her rather than hate her and dread visiting with their Dad.
Will spend my free evening filling out some required legal paperwork (just a formality) and then I have to take a fine tooth comb through my budget. Beginning next month STBX will be paying me child support that is basically half of what he previously contributed on a monthly basis to the household. By refinancing the house, restructuring some debt and my improved tax status, I will be able to make up quite a bit of that, but will still have a delta of about $500 a month. Time to tighten that belt to its last notch. They are reclassifying my position at work (after they found out I was looking for another job) so I will be making that much as soon as it gets through budget committee. Even so, I need to build up more of a safety cushion - so here comes the knife!
And even though I spent the last paragraph hand wringing about finances - I'm also looking at the price to have someone build us a chicken coop. I pinkie promised D6 before BD we would get one this spring. A little reluctant to take on any more dependents, even feathered ones, but a pinkie promise is a pinkie promise.
Hey Raliced-
I was just getting caught up with your sitch. You sound so strong. I think the cry was long overdue btw. Don't forget to take time for yourself on your days without the kids. I always incorporated my kids in my GAL activities because they were always with me and on the off chance they weren't I felt lost and it really dropped my mood.
A chicken coop! That sounds exciting - are there any coyotes around? We have coyotes around here and a lot of cats in our neighborhood have gone missing
Raliced, I'd love to have a few chicken, for the eggs. Not gonna happen, but I'd like it.
Why is his support so much less after legalities than he was contributing before? I assume you agreed to that? Just curious.
Hey Rpp,
I did agree. In California if you are married under 10 years and you can't agree on things and it goes to court they basically add up all the marital assets and all the marital debt and split them 50/50. Child support is based on some complicated software program that is supposed to ensure "fairness". There is no provision to maintain a standard of living that the kids are used to etc. The state calculation was $960. He will actually pay $1000 - plus pay about $600 a month for D3s preschool (which benefits him as well). When she goes to kindergarten he is supposed to then begin funding their college accounts with that amount. That part was important to me. My logic is that there are well established statistics that children of divorce are more likely to struggle in school, have substance abuse problems, not graduate etc. Since this was his choice - I feel he has a certain ethical responsibility to fund these. He will also pay for 50% of medical and extracurricular expenses.
There isn't any alimony because we make about the same amount. I "get" the house and the mortgage (not much equity since we just bought it.
I'll be ok financially - and I can row my own boat (although that early retirement I dreamed of just got a lot harder). That being said - there is no doubt that after a few years he will definitely have a lot more disposable income than I will (his current living expenses are about a 1/3 of mine)
He'll be paying off Uncle Sam and the State of California for a while though. Since we're filing separately this year - he has no deductions (I get to take the girls and the mortgage interest) and he cashed out that retirement account. I know how much he has withheld from his paycheck and I estimate he will owe about $18,000 for Federal and who knows how much to the state.
T0 - There are probably coyotes around here. Definitely bears, mountain lions and foxes. I understand the key is to make sure the chickens are in their secure coop before sundown. I would have loved to experiment with beekeeping, but one of the neighbors tried and the local bear kept raiding the hive despite all the security fences!
Thanks for the explanation, raliced. I'm always interested in how things are going to work out financially. My situation is entirely different, been M a lot longer, H makes many multiples of what I do, kids are all older. I think it's grossly unfair that the LBW is financially penalized for the whims of a WAH, but that's often the case. So far we have kept everything exactly as it was before S. We paid off our mortgage last January and he's using that to pay his apartment now. Obviously by design, I just didn't realize what was going on. Sometimes I get really p*ssed at the amount he's spending on a pricey apartment, furniture, trips, etc. But all my needs are being met, I'm in the same house, my kids are at the same private schools, it's hard to complain. So I'm not.
I'm keeping my mouth shut and hoping this financial arrangement continues for a long time.
Some minor GAL activity - I ordered the chicken coop (I'll have to assemble it myself), got a free book on kindle about poultry care and signed up for a half day course on the subject so that I will know how to care for my new feathered friends.
I keep thinking about my STBX's newly acquired cowboy persona. I don't know if this comes across in my posts - but I'm a pretty mellow person. If he had wanted to go western in the marriage, I wouldn't have batted an eye at it. I guess I keep thinking that he feels "free" to do all kinds of things now, and it alternately irritates me/makes me sad because its not like I ever had him on any kind of leash. Maybe my perception of his need for freedom is wrong or mind reading. I dunno.
I work as a data analyst. I'm very good at what I do, which is finding the root cause of problems. And of course - I'm trying to translate some of that into my personal life. I find myself in a quandary here. I feel like I really need to understand what went wrong so that I can avoid those problems in the future (I know I avoided conflict and I'm working on that)- but at the same time, I feel like I need to accept that I'll never understand some of what happened here.
And really I guess the ultimate question I'm wrestling with and that occupies my head at quiet moments is "Could I have done something to prevent this or was it unavoidable"? The counselors all say he is MLC, but I feel like that is giving me too much of an easy pass.
raliced, likely you'll never be able to make sense of why it happened, and I doubt that anything you could have done would have made a difference. Even if you had been the perfect wife, if he was having an MLC he would find faults with you as part of his self-reasoning to leave. It's always good to strive for self-improvement, but do it for you, and not in reaction to any nonsense that he might have spewed on the way out. I'm sure you didn't hold him back from being a cowboy. (That just sounds ridiculous.) My H has turned into a hipster since leaving -- it's pretty hilarious actually. It makes me realize how shallow his self-identity is if he thinks it can be altered just by growing a beard and dressing in a certain way. These are people who are struggling with their identity. Just be glad that you have a strong sense of self -- and there will be people out there who appreciate you for who you are.
Ugh - So I know this is totally totally petty.
Just saw STBX so that he could give me D3 (2 nights a month he has D6 for an extra night so they can spend some one on one time with each other). We met at the library and D6 had been allowed to pick her clothes herself and was wearing some stuff that STBX and OW must have bought for her. Things that I would have never bought in a million years (sort of a lime green princessy thing- totally inappropriate for school).
I. hate. this. I hate that my daughter is wearing clothes that OW picked out. I just hate it. Its one thing to dress STBX up like Wyatt Earp but hands off the kid.
I know this comes with the territory and I have to sukk it up. But arrgh.
I. Would. Totally. Hate. That, TOO!
Not that it'd be better if ow had good taste but the fact that she doesn't makes it even worse. I'm so sorry, Raliced.
It's not petty if it's important to you. (((Hugs)))
Wyatt Earp -- that is too funny. Maybe the lime green princess thing could get ruined in the wash? Let her wear it on the playground until it's in tatters? I'm sure you'll come up with a creative solution.
There's been some discussion about MAFM/WAFV on a few threads and it jogged my memory about something.
If anyone is a podcast listener you might want to check out the episode of "This American Life" that was released this week (It's titled "Reunited" , I believe). The first story deals with a marriage that broke up and then got back together (MAFM/WAFV is briefly mentioned).
It's not a perfect fit with most of our stories here as some of the issues are cultural (a big factor in the relationship is that the couple came from Iran, and it wasn't until they got to this country that divorce was even an option) - but it certainly still resonated with me. And was a bit of an uplift! Maybe a nice way to start the weekend.
raliced, my D16 had a few things go missing in the wash when she was about 6. And it was grandma who picked them out, not an OW! Things happen, you know?
I guess I should clarify- She went back to his place for her "extra night" - so the lime green eyesore won't be making an appearance at my house. No need for anything accidentally on purpose to happen
I was thinking about it last night though. I wonder how it affects the kids when there is a large difference in the "cultures" of the two households.
Enjoying a lovely evening with the girls who are dressed up in their best princess finery and giving the karaoke machine I bought for Christmas a workout.
I spent a productive day coaching BBall. The other team had a 2nd grade ringer who was a foot taller than anyone on my team, and to my vast amusement, the youngest, shortest player on my team, who is a total spitfire, completely neutralized her.
Then it was on to the garden. We are enjoying unseasonably warm weather and had to put the 70 degrees to good use.
And now, a tasty ribeye, while my daughters sing and twirl. In 15 minutes we'll enjoy the chocolate cake they helped to bake.
I know there are a lot of new posters this week. Let me tell you - it does get better. There are headaches and heartaches in my life right now. But it doesn't prevent these happy moments - and I savor them with renewed appreciation.
Raliced, you're amazing! Just want you to know that.
We have GOT to meet up when I come to NorCal. Seriously.
Heck Yeah! Have I mentioned that despite the fact that STBX "despises" it here - I live in a foothill community (gold rush country) that has just enough of a tourist presence to have great resaurants, lots of wineries and fun antique stores without being pretentious and that maintains small town charm?
We went out to dinner last night and I actually thought "What a nutjob he is for refusing to see how awesome it is here!".
Well clearly, Raliced, he's a fool in more ways than one.
Keep being awesome.
Finishing off a pretty good weekend by filing my taxes. Have been in a fever to get this done for some reason. I can't actually envision STBX stirring up the pot again by trying to change our now signed agreement - but its clear to me he doesn't realize how big of a whammy he is going to take on these going forward.
He texted and asked to talk to the girls this afternoon (he only ever does this while he's on patrol - never from the house with OW). Usually this gets the girls all upset when he has to hang up. Today they were fine, although D6 seemed a little quiet. When I asked how she was doing she said "I'm just sad Daddy decided not to live here anymore and that he broke his promise to you. That was followed by some questions about stepparents. Apparently - word on the playground is that they are a "big pain".
When she says things like that I just want to break his nose. Maybe I should take boxing lessons as a GAL activity ......
I have some boxing gloves I could send you! Haven't been used in years, and they could use a new home...
Just got a copy of my child support orders and child custody from the lawyer. It has now been filed, signed by a judge and is considered legal and binding.
Massive relief.
I use the term "signed by a judge" loosely. It was literally rubber stamped....which is kind of depressing. And of course- STBX didn't even have to sign- his lawyer signed for him.
When I started this - I just wanted to slow everything down. Now I feel like I can't wait for April to get here for it all to become final- which makes me feel a little guilty.
I am right there with you, raliced! Can't wait for it to be over. Kudos on getting through the paperwork, which can be stressful. I just gave my H the separation agreement and parenting plan and support papers yesterday, waiting for his response. I hope to have everything done by April as well, if all goes smoothly. We've come a long way since six months ago. Thank you for taking this journey with me, and always being there with a kind word of support. It's meant a lot.
Don't feel guilty. Be glad that you're ready to take this next step.
Wish I were further into the process than I am. Of course, I'd be scrambling for the house if I were... but at least I'd be closer to free.
Ahoy, Raliced, and Maybell. You ladies are amazing, and I look up to each of you. I know I'm headed down the same path as you, and hope I can handle it with the grace you have. I appreciate your input now, and I'm going to appreciate it in six months --please stick around for me!
I learned something today.
STBX had girls this morning. He texted me to say D6 had been complaining about back pain and should he take her to the doctor. I didn't respond because I didn't see the text right away, so he ended up making the decision on his own to take her (great!)
Side note - D6 has had a non-stop parade of minor and sometimes suspicious health issues for the last few weeks (My finger hurts, I have a terrible cough etc. etc), and frankly I suspect she wants more attention (who can blame her).
Anyway - STBX sent me rapid text updates throughout the doctors appt. Her strep test came back positive and then he texted me to call him when I had a chance (they were then on the way to the pharmacy)
I called and said "Ok?" And he said in an agitated way "I thought we should talk about D6". Now here is where I should have just said "OK" and let him drive the conversation. Instead I waited in silence for a minute and then jumped in and asked questions about the appt., what the doctor said etc. He was clearly worried and I ended up basically reassuring him until he felt better about the whole thing.
I don't get it. This was a minor, minor health thing that happens routinely. He's dealt with far worse before.
Has he dealt with worse with his own child, by himself? That could explain the anxiety.
I would say so - He's taken them to the doctor for more serious things routinely (it's actually easier for him to take them to doctor than me because of his work schedule).
On one memorable occasion when D6 was then 3, he ended up having to throw out all the clothes he took her in because of the effects of gastroenteritis. :-)
I just need to let him drive these conversations.
raliced -
Just caught up on the last few pages. Good to see you're keeping it together...or thriving, actually.
Paperwork...I'm waiting on giving statement from my church to file. Then I'll get my last decent tax return for a long time. It seems I've lost some dependents! I also reset all my bills to my name, (gas, water, electric) as they were formerly in hers. Took my name off one of our joint checking accounts that she has appropriated.
Enjoy those excellent evenings! It seems you have a better appreciation for whimsy than I. Then again, XW is coming over today for her last pickup of formerly shared belongings. Maybe I'll be more in the mood for fun stuff after that particular hurdle is jumped.
Sad to hear no new positive DB turns for Maybell or rppfl. I was hoping to get a pleasant surprise. Nitty seems to have checked out, mostly, which I take as a positive sign that things continue to improve.
I'll try to check in from time to time, but no promises. Time spent here is, unfortunately, a reminder of how things have turned out. Good luck to you all.
Shakes
Shakes, I think my situation is super-positive. I have clarity. I have peace. I have excitement for my new life. I don't have my STBX -- which means I don't have unmeetable expectations or a partner who doesn't care about being part of my happiness. Don't feel badly for me, I'm all good!!
Catch us up on your sitch a little more when you have a chance, I've missed seeing you around here.
I'll miss you Shakes.
I wouldn't say I'm thriving, but the feisty part of me refuses to let STBX's actions destroy my life and my inner Mama Bear is determined to minimize the negative effect on my girls.
I still feel washes of negative emotion pretty routinely. Yesterday - I was feeling a little insulted. I mean, seriously, I don't think being married to me should have been that miserable!
As time goes on - while I recognize I have lots to work on - I do realize this is more about STBX and where he is at in his life.
Did you ever make it to Divorce Care? I signed up for a session and was wondering how it was going for you.
Thanks, Shakes. Nope, nothing positive in the M department for me. Seems like I'm following in the footsteps of Raliced and Maybell, and I am making peace with that and watching them carefully. Life goes on.
Ahoy and raliced : My court date is Feb 23. 9:30-9:45. 15 minutes. 15 lousy minutes to terminate a 15 year marriage....
I, like you, am anxious to get it all over with and make everything official.
Divorce Care started Wednesday, the day after I got the move-in / remarriage news. I missed it because S11 had a fever. I hope to attend a few sessions; unfortunately it's in the opposite direction of my children's new house. Fortunately, the classes stand alone, so even a few will be beneficial.
Maybell, I gave a quick rundown on my thread. Let's just say, while mindreading is verboten while DB'g, I've accurately called it all. It is a cold comfort. THANK YOU for pointing out that there are other positives besides a successful DB. Clarity is nice. Not having someone else question my every decision is nice. Knowing where every dime is in my bank account is nice. I have done a pretty good job of simplifying and stripping down my life, with a few steps to go (remortgage, home repair, paving the driveway). I have become a coupon clipper/ad watcher (but not to the point of ridiculousness.)
The only difficulties that I haven't overcome yet (but will with time) are the weeknights that I don't have the children (the pointlessness of it all and helplessness creep in) and training the doggone dog. I get her straightened out, then the kids show up and it's messes everywhere again! Almost comical. Almost.
Tomorrow, the kids and I will be going to a friendly local game/comic store to play Marvel Dicemasters and read (age- appropriate!) comic books. D8 wants some Spider-Man of her very own. S11 is interested in an independent title called Mouse Guard.
Life does go on. And someday, this will all be just a piece of a very rich tableau.
Hi raliced (and bdub), I too am ready for the next chapter. My H texted today to ask for copies of tax returns that I gave him THREE MONTHS AGO. Then he wanted to have a long, drawn out conversation about the division of assets, more parenting days, etc. I said I'd be happy to give him some more days with our daughter, and he'd have to ask his L to explain the child support calculation. Now he is balking about taking over the house. It will be a huge pain to sell it, but I really don't care anymore. Whatever it takes to be done with this man, I am ready to do it.
I am still following DB principles, but they are truly for my own benefit at this point. I know many of you here feel the same way, and we have evolved to this point over the course of many months. You are all mighty and wonderful and deserve greatness.
I'm in a reflective place today.
Yesterday was the Super Bowl. One of the activities that STBX and I truly enjoyed together was watching football (I always fried chicken for the big game and we did a lot of snuggling). It's one of the few times since BD that I've really let myself miss him as a person.
On the one hand the rational side of my brain says "He cheated on you with multiple partners for years, left you in a way that was particularly hurtful, cowardly and disrespectful, and then sued you for divorce - truly once you get past the pain you will be better off without him". Then the emotional side of my brain thinks about the losses: the loss of our connection, the loss of our friendship, the loss of a family unit, the loss of our history and I start to think that this Divorce is tragic.
Then my rational brain says - "You should leave the door open to reconciliation, which would still be better for everyone. Focus on you, focus on the kids. Don't get entangled with anyone else". And the emotional side retorts with "Even in the extremely unlikely event that he decided he wanted his family back - how would that ever work? How could you ever trust him again (for that matter how will you trust anyone again)? How could you ever move forward with him after all he has done? It's just not possible.
I know this post is rambling. Maybe it's the Super Bowl, maybe its the fact that I got my first "Child Support" check from him this week. I dunno.
I'm a "move forward " kind of person. I know I should probable just focus on the facts of "what is" rather than hypotheticals.
Yes, just focus on what is. It's hard not to try to anticipate the future, I know. And it's hard not to miss the illusion of who we thought our H's were. But there are plenty of men out there who would love to eat your fried chicken and snuggle while watching football -- if and when you are ready for that in your life again.
raliced
You remind me of me. You are in an assessment phase, so I'll try to help as much as you did:
" It's one of the few times since BD that I've really let myself miss him as a person."
Accept this for what it is, but don't wallow. We loved our spouses for a long time, and it wasn't all bad or we would not have married them. I had a moment like this while I was coming out of anesthesia...granted, drugs were a factor, but I remember the moment with utter clarity. We miss sharing and intimacy even when everything else is gone.
"the losses: the loss of our connection, the loss of our friendship, the loss of a family unit, the loss of our history and I start to think that this Divorce is tragic."
This has been a central part of my pain. Loss is probably the emotion post-D (often coupled with various forms of regret) - that lasts longest. You will soon allow yourself to count the gains. Over time, they will pass the losses, and your life will be much richer. You can't make this happen, it will just come. You will stop feeling guilty for feeling good.
"leave the door open to reconciliation, which would still be better for everyone. Focus on you, focus on the kids. Don't get entangled with anyone else"
Absolutely leave the door open as long as you want. Or close it. That is a decision which is 100% in your power. Do focus on the joys in your life. Here's my only real bit of advice/philosophy outside DB as you look to the future. Hope for a new/better relationship someday is healthy! But, I will not engage in another relationship until I feel I have as much to give and as much to offer as I am looking for in return. Since I DO NOT yet feel whole, it will be quite a while yet. I suspect about 1 1/2 to 3 years, just because I have looked back on my life and that's how long other large traumas have taken to recover from.
Chin up, you. Just because the Seahawks lost on Sunday doesn't change the fact that they had an amazing season.
Shakespr-
Thanks for checking in on me. I feel in a more positive place today - my pensive moods usually don't linger too long. I even finally cleaned up from the Super Bowl party last night
We're a young team - I look forward to more Super Bowls in our future!
I think these moods are actually pretty healthy for me. I'm so relentless about trying to make the best of things that I don't always give myself permission or time to grieve and I know it's important to do so.
Hope for a new/better relationship someday is healthy! But, I will not engage in another relationship until I feel I have as much to give and as much to offer as I am looking for in return. Since I DO NOT yet feel whole, it will be quite a while yet. I suspect about 1 1/2 to 3 years, just because I have looked back on my life and that's how long other large traumas have taken to recover from.
I have no intention of dating. I am after all still married, and like you, I realize that I am not in a healthy place to be in a relationship. Additionally, I guess I'm a little numb
and for whatever reason I feel a little repelled at the thought. I suddenly seem to be getting unwelcome attention from people who know my situation, and even though I appreciate the reinforcement that most of the world still considers me an attractive woman, I find it all a little off-putting. There's the leering dad at daycare (who appears to have children from different mothers there) and the bank manager who helped me "un-joint" my accounts, etc. - Male attention just all seems a little creepy and potentially predatory at the moment.
Anyway- I hope you will continue to check in here and there. You are in the midst of facing one of my greatest fears - which is a new step parent for the kids and I will be interested to see how you navigate that and all it entails. I have no idea what STBX's plans are in regard to the live-in girlfriend, but given how aggressively he pursued the divorce, I have to think she's putting some pressure on him.
How could you ever trust him again (for that matter how will you trust anyone again)?
Raliced, this thought crosses my mind as well, and when it does, I remind myself of what trust is. Trust comes from observing a consistent response to a given stimulus. Simple as that. You will trust again. Even in lesser matters, your H will, over time, give a consistent response, (good or bad) and you will learn to
trust that.
In other words, you will learn to
expect a response to any given situation. It may sound a little Pavlovian. It also reminds me that we are told
not to have expectations, and yet, that's all that trust is. Just goes to show how fragile it is.
How could you ever move forward with him after all he has done? It's just not possible.
I'll be honest here - each time I ask myself this, I am less sure of the answer. But I'm also OK with that. I am raising the bar on what it takes to get with Zew. How could I ever move forward with W? She'd have to bring her best game, that's how. And although I haven't seen it lately, as I recall, W had pretty good game, so I can't rule out the possibility, even as I watch the probability diminish. Open mind costs nothing.
When is DC? I still want to hear how that goes.
Zew - The Divorce Care group starts the last week of February "one town over" over from me - so if its a bust with bitter people I won't run into them on a day to day basis.
I'm interested in your take on trust. Are trust and security the same thing? I wonder. For me trust is the end result of a being in a place of security and confidence. I see what you're saying about consistent responses over time, but, for instance I can see being totally neurotic about any future partner's texting and phone calls, regardless of how well they might behave. I know I have a choice in this, but I worry that a casualty of this whole fiasco will be the affable, easy going Raliced.
I've been fighting a cold the last couple of days and it finally seems to have overtaken me. Not looking forward to the weekend - as it is supposed to rain the whole time and I will have to keep the girls busy indoors the whole time while sick. Ugh.
Saw STBX last night as he dropped off girls. He barely acknowledges me when he does this. He was off to some mystery activity that also precluded him from being parent helper in D6's class today.
As the days tick by, I have to say that I come closer and closer to really accepting and being fully present in my new reality. The part that's an open question is how STBX is going to fit into this life. He's the father of my children - but even envisioning him in that capacity is kind of vague. We are certainly no longer partners in raising them and at the moment I don't see any prospect for that changing. I know in the grand scheme of things its pretty early days - but when I see him right now it really hits me that he is a complete stranger. I have no idea what goes on his life other than - he is still gainfully employed, he lives with his 40 year old girlfriend named Lisa, they live in some sort of small house on a ranch where he does extra "chores" to reduce his rent (no idea if Lisa owns the house or ranch or what), he takes the girls one day a week, barely speaks to his family and has become a cowboy. Oh - and his girlfriend has a chihuahua, which I find a little hilarious, given STBX's previous extreme distaste for little dogs.
Is the man I married gone forever? I don't really need him back as a husband, but I'd like to know who I'm dealing with as a father.
Raliced, I can so relate to what you've written. Isn't it weird how they can become total strangers in such a short time after spending years together. My H doesn't seem to want to engage in any conversation with me, even if its about the kids. He only wants to discuss money matters. I know nothing about his life, I feel as if he is completely finished with any dealings with me because the kids are older. It's as if he's planned it that way. But there's still so much goes on in their lives that he doesn't know about and has no part in.
Hope you feel better soon.
Had a disturbing dream last night.
Dreamt that D3 was sick, had to be taken to the doctor and the OW (who was already married to STBX) insisted on coming along. I found out she changed our pediatrician and D3 called her Mom. Oh yeah - OW was a Miss America contestant (just in the dream- I've never seen her IRL)
Not too hard to read into that one and see what I am worried about.
Oh- and weirdly STBX in the dream was not my acutal STBX but the first serious boyfriend I had in my early 20s.
Weird.
Have completely lost my voice and am unable to sing in choir this morning. Bummer.
Raliced, sometimes I've had former BFs show up in dreams, and I always try to understand what they represent, as opposed to who they actually are. For instance, in one dream that I had off and on for years, there was one former BF that is a graphic artist. He's so creative he's a bit quirky. And I realized that I was suppressing the creative side of me IRL. When I took care of that, the dream went away. It wasn't about the guy himself at all.
Mostly, though I think dreams are nature's way of purging and filing.
Hope you feel better!
This has been a lower than usual week. I'm sure being sick and not sleeping well are big parts of it - and this is a busy time of the year for me at work as one of the programs I work on goes through its annual state audit. Maybe I'm just a little worn down. And I know the girls will probably catch what I have which makes me miserable.
The weekend itself wasn't bad. Despite the rain and my illness, had a good time with the girls. I macgyvered a massive roomwide fort in the living room for them to sleep in last night and today they helped me make my Grandma's chicken chicken soup, complete with homemade noodles. They were happy, although a little freaked out by my complete loss of voice.
Everything just seems a little too hard right now. I'm trying to get a handle on all the spring activities for D6 and its just so complicated without another parent helping out fulltime (although this kind of thing has always been a pain due to STBX's ever changing schedule). I guess I hate how little things, like going to the store for something I forgot, have turned into a major operation of getting the kids in the car and herding them through the supermarket, instead of just being to run out on my own. And truthfully, while I am not a spendthrift, I hate that I am back to a place in my life where I have to measure every dollar.
Then too, D6 has been dropping more details about what goes on at her Dad's place. Apparently Lisa has a lot of rules. I should say none of them sound unreasonable, in fact they are precisely the types of things I tried to institute in my own household that STBX would never cooperate with. Now apparently he's totally on board with things like "don't jump on the sofa" and "don't yell in the house". When I tried to enforce these types of guidelines he always made me feel like a fussy killjoy. I look at this, in conjunction with all the cowboy trappings, and it sure seems like he is trying to be someone new, probably to please OW. Was this all he did with me? Was he just trying to be the man he thought I wanted and he couldn't take it anymore?
How did I let this whole thing get so messed up? We did not have a difficult life compared to many. We have always had reasonable incomes, enjoy good health and come from pretty functional families. I look at my oldest sister's marriage- her husband is a high ranking army officer (STBX has a total man crush on him)and throughout their marriage as he climbed the ladder, he had assignments that took him away for lengthy periods of time, even when their kids were very young, and of course some of them were dangerous. Their relationship is still going strong (25+ years) and they managed to jointly raise two very high achieving well adjusted kids despite the stress, anxiety, many moves and long absences. We had nothing comparable. Yes, STBX has a job with weird hours that is emotionally distancing and apparently has lots of temptations - but still.......
I didn't get married until fairly late in life - and that was by design. I thought I chose carefully and well, and that we laid a solid foundation together, precisely to avoid the very situation I find myself in now. I'm having a moment where I feel like I flunked a big chunk of my life.
Wow - this is a downer of a post. Time to take some Nyquil and wake up ready to turn this all around.
Raliced,
I'm sorry you've been under the weather and I can completely relate to your post. It is a bit frustrating to load everyone up to get toilet paper when you got used to running out on your own, eh?
Hopefully your girls don't get sick. And your thoughts about others marriages seeming more difficult yet they weather through?? I absolutely concur. And then I realize it doesn't really benefit me to think about those things because obviously my xh didn't feel like we or our marriage was worth it and I can accept that. We are all different. At the risk of sounding like a downer (and I'm sure I'll get 2x4's) I honestly don't see how I could ever trust someone in totality again. And I'm okay with that. If I ever get involved with someone, I suppose I will just accept that you never really know what someone thinks or is capable of doing. I realize that sounds bad, although I don't actually mean that in a defeatist way. I'm just being honest. I hijacked and I'm sorry.
Hang in there. I think you are doing great:-) Sending you positive energy and an Almond Joy!!!
"Was he just trying to be the man he thought I wanted and he couldn't take it anymore?"
raliced -- this resonated with me. I think, in retrospect, that my H never had a strong sense of self, which is reflected in the fact that he doesn't have close friends (good friends keep us accountable to ourselves and hold up a mirror to us). To me, it feels like he is trying on a whole new personality, with new facial hair and wardrobe to match.
On the one hand, I guess it's good that he's finally trying to figure out who he really is. (It's just too bad that that person is a total selfish jerk.) On the other hand, he overlapped the end of our marriage with an OW and is trying to be a different person for her. So do I think he is honestly "finding" himself? No. Also, he doesn't tell any of his "friends" from work about his girlfriend, even though he talks to our daughter about her a lot. So once again, he can't face who his actions reveal him to really be.
Your H sounds similar. He is trying on a new personality. Best to let that go. I'm glad at least that the OW has similar house rules to yours. I struggle with the fact that my H's OW will be a presence in my D14s life, and that my D14 doesn't seem to mind this new development.
Georgiabelle -- I'm in the same place you are. For the next person I date, I will be running a background check and credit score. And then I'll realize that, even if they seem great, that people can change. Maybe being at peace with the idea of change is what we should work on the most. No matter how much we protect our hearts, change happens. But we shouldn't deny ourselves fun and pleasure, for as long as it lasts. Beginnings and endings are natural processes. I struggle with this too, but it's something I am trying to absorb.
So I still have no voice - but I took a sick day on Monday and am feeling modestly recharged.
Tomorrow STBX has kids and he gets D6 all day Friday as well because its his weekend and she has a holiday.
Because all of her Valentine's day shenanigans fall during his time- I just sent him a note about all the things he needed to be aware of (pajama day at school,etc.) He also has to bring a contribution to the class party and D6 has her heart set on hand dipping strawberries in chocolate. Some day I will be able to relay this type of info with nonchalance - but right now I'm still a little too close to the betrayal and I let out a little "Bwah Hah Hah!" that he'll have to deal with this for once.
My work observes the day off on Monday and since the kids are off of school, I'm toying with the idea of taking D6 up the hill and teaching her to ski. If she takes to it, it might well become a dangerous, expensive hobby that I regret - but I sure enjoyed skiing when I was a kid. A season pass at the closest resort is only $250 - maybe I should work this back into my lifestyle - I gave it up when I met STBX because he only did cross country. I guess I'll see if its time to reclaim that part of Raliced.
I had done a pretty good job of shaking off my doldrums - today I got a nice note on Facebook from one of my oldest friends who is a sort of missionary in China. She gave me the obligatory ego stroke that she couldn't believe STBX didn't value all my awesomeness and then she shared some good thoughts about the true resiliency of kids (hers have been rooted up time and time again in their expat life). It was actually pretty reassuring.
I've been meaning to follow up on things, but I've been super busy the last few days. Let's see here...
I'm interested in your take on trust. Are trust and security the same thing? I wonder. For me trust is the end result of a being in a place of security and confidence.
I think
trust will be easier than we think. We're good people, and we see the good in people.
I think
confidence is just trust in ourselves. Experience builds confidence, and we've just checked off a new set of boxes in the experience column, no? We're going to come out of this more confident. So far so good.
You set me back with the word
security, though. I think we've forever lost our naïve notion that there is security. But the silver lining is this: Now we know that storms come. And we are better weather watchers now. And we have learned some things about mitigating damage early. So how's this -- we give up on the false notion of security and instead work toward a level of risk that we're comfortable with. The eternal optimist in me says this will work out fine. Things will be secure enough.
I can see being totally neurotic about any future partner's texting and phone calls, regardless of how well they might behave.
Nope, you'll be fine. There's a big difference between "I'm your independent S, with healthy relationships outside of our M" texting and "I'm hiding an A" texting. Anyone, and I mean anyone who thinks they can hide an A from someone who has spent any time on this forum is a complete fool. So I don't think you'll be neurotic at all. You will know instantaneously with not so much as a conscious thought whether there is a concern. Won't come close to rising to the level of neurotic.
I know I have a choice in this, but I worry that a casualty of this whole fiasco will be the affable, easy going Raliced.
I think the opposite. You're wiser. Seasoned. Better idea what you want and what you don't want. You're finding out what you need and now you know what you can do without. I think that lets us dump a whole lot of baggage that we've been lugging around for unknown contingencies. I think the opportunity is here to drop that weight and be even
more easy going.
I think the key is to not get sucked in to any bitter, cynical victimhood, because that will cause us to scrutinize the hell out of any future relationship.
I didn't get married until fairly late in life - and that was by design. I thought I chose carefully and well, and that we laid a solid foundation together, precisely to avoid the very situation I find myself in now. I'm having a moment where I feel like I flunked a big chunk of my life.
I did the same. In fact, I used to quip that
my mid life crisis involved getting married. (The irony makes me lol.)
But I don't doubt for a minute that I chose wisely. I'd remarry the
person I married in a heartbeat. I had no way of knowing that 18 years later she'd slide off the road and have absolutely.no.idea.whatsoever how to right herself or who to turn to. Don't beat yourself up on your choice. Some things are latent, apparently,
to all concerned.
I'm toying with the idea of taking D6 up the hill and teaching her to ski. If she takes to it, it might well become a dangerous, expensive hobby that I regret - but I sure enjoyed skiing when I was a kid.
Do it. I implore you. I regret not starting D13 sooner -- she's not as intrepid as S9. I tell the kids they will be able to ski alone or with friends, all over the world for the rest of their lives - don't need a team or 5am ice time, just go. Check out liftopia. I've been getting phenomenal discounts by booking a few days in advance.
Hope you're feeling better.
Zew- Thanks for following up! I admire your positive outlook and general optimism about things. I'm there some days, but still have some outliers where I'm moody and introspective. Hopefully, with time and distance, I'll be able to maintain my sunny side consistently.
I'm going to take D6 skiing. If nothing else I do enjoy the "Waaaaaah" look on her face when she realizes her old Mom is capable of doing some pretty cool things.
So - I know upfront this isn't really DB related.
I have a 6 year old Bernese Mountain Dog that I adopted from a rescue about a year ago. I adore that dog. It sounds totally corny but he's really helped me through all of this because he's so smiley and happy when I come home every day.
Early this morning- he started having convulsions. I got him straight to the vet first thing and he wanted to keep him there and administer IVs. I just got the update call. The vet strongly suspects rat poisoning. I have no idea how Bear would have gotten into this (I've never purchased any). I know I don't have it on my property, but apparently a poisoned rodent might have wandered from somewhere else. He's been administering all kinds of medications, but they only stop the convulsions for about an hour, which is not a good sign.
Most likely if I have a shot at saving him- he will have to go to an emergency facility at about $2,000 a day minimum and even then there is no guarantee- because no one knows for sure what's happening. Realistically, its probably foolhardy to even consider this type of expense right now, but I just don't want to take this loss. I don't want to explain it to my daughters. And honestly, I hate that I have to make this decision on my own.
I am so, so sorry. I hope he recovers.
Oh Raliced, I'm so sorry. I hope Bear recovers quickly.
So sorry. Keeping you in my prayers.
raliced, I'm so so sorry to hear this. My heart goes out to you and Bear.
Raliced -
So sorry to hear this. Our dogs were poisoned last summer and one of the things used was rat poison. It was so rough (and expensive). I'm keeping you and Bear in my thoughts.
xxxxoooo
I'm sorry too raliced. Praying for him and hope he's ok.
Take care xx
Raliced - you're too quiet. Bear is well?
Zew and Everyone who sent good wishes-
After being in the hospital for a day and a half, Bear came home, seemingly back to normal. Vets cannot pin down what caused it - poisoning, epilepsy, brain tumor are all options. He's on phenobarbital now. As for the bill....let us not speak of it, but I'll sleep easy tonight that I did the right thing.
It was an exhausting latter half of the week - talk about a rollercoaster! Am recuperating now with heart shaped Hawaiian pizza and a Newcastle.
Cheers to everyone!
So glad he's home and you're both resting. Sleep well and happy Valentine's Day.
That's good news, Raliced.
I'm glad you have your hairy chum back and I hope he makes a full recovery and it's not something nasty that won't go away.
Glad you hear your dog is back home, Raliced. I'll continue keeping him in my prayers. Thanks for the update. I think a lot of us here were thinking about him and wondering how he was.
Hawaiian heart-shaped pizza and a Newcastle sounds great!
Gosh Raliced...Old Dog's ears pricked up then didn't they??
I'm so glad that Bear is back and healthy! That's the best Valentine's Day present of all (no matter the cost).
Thanks All.
Old Dog, I am first and foremost a wine drinker (I'm a Californian, after all), but not with pizza, then I like beer/ale. For whatever reason, Newcastle is commonly sold in stores here and at a price point that works for me - pricier than the cheapest American beers, but not as much as all the local swanky microbrews.
Every once in a while I venture over to bourbon, usually at a special occasion.
Newcastle Brown? Wow!
Actually now you come to mention it - assuming it is Nookie Broon - there has been a bit of a kerfuffle this side of the pond about the brewery changing the recipe to suit the US market.
I'm a wine drinker with a bit of German Weissbier thrown in and cider, especially the new Swedish ones. As far as spirits go, Tequila, Vodka, JD.
And I like to think I'd enjoy a porch or veranda. No good at BBQs though - not a real man :-)