Hi, Im new to the site and I would be grateful if somebody has any advice or ideas for me. I've been married to my wife for 2 years now. The first year was perfect for both of us. Shortly after our first anniversary I started to change and became very anxious and I started acting possessive (calling her nonstop asking a million questions etc). Which of course was no good and this where our problems started. For the last 6 months she had threatened leaving about 3-4 times but I was always able to convince her I would change. The last time she threatened I finally started therapy and it has helped me so much. But 2 weeks ago I did the nonstop calling thing because I needed the car and when she got back she said that was it and its over.
At first she wanted me to leave within the week and we fought quite a bit the first few days. But I stepped back, thought it over and then apologized to her. I told her that I accepted her decision and that I hope we could remain friends. She accepted and said I could stay as long as I need to.
So this past week has been fine, we went to the mall and out to dinner twice this week (both times she invited me). We have even been texting and joking quite a bit more then before. But she said to me that she doesnt love me anymore and to not get confused.
I have not pleaded or begged her at all about getting back together. I always act confident and happy in front of her. I sleep on the couch. I know about the NC rule but we live in the same house.
Should I go MIA a few days and stay in a motel to see if she misses me? When we joke around I still see that look in her eye when she smiles at me so I don't think she hates me but she says she doesn't love me at all anymore.
I know that was very long, thank you for reading and I appreciate any advice.
Welcome to our community, Joshua. Are you familiar with the Divorce Busting principals? Have you read Divorce Remedy? If not, please get the book ASAP.
It is good that you sought help for your possessive ways. Have you been able to identify the root cause for this problem? How long have you been in counseling?
I know it would be a huge problem in my M if my H started the actions you have described. Can you see how it damages your R? Are you possessive in other ways or other people?
Until you are able to fix yourself, it will be extremely hard to repair the M. You see, in DBing, there is a lot of backing off, turning loose, setting free........and how can you do that if you can't get through the day without drilling her about what she's doing, where she's going, who she has seen or talked to, etc.
You are smothering her, and that is the last thing you want to do to a WAW. It is good you have not pleaded or begged. Now if you will show her you do not need to control her life and can be confident enough that you don't have to check in with her to assure your own doubts......that will be a major step forward.
Another thing you can't do with a WAW is to talk her into changing her mind. B/c the more you talk to her about it.....the more you are enforcing her decision to leave. She doesn't put much stock into what you say anymore, but she watches your action.
Another reason for reading the book is b/c you may not apply the correct moves to your particular stitch by just reading the forum only. For instance the NC you mentioned. This doesn't work very well when living under the same roof. However, not initiating contacts throughout the day is applicable for you. In other words, wait for her to contact you by calls, texting, emails, etc. When at home, give her space and don't smother her with your questions.
About staying in a motel for a few days to see if she misses you......I really don't think it would accomplish anything. Giving her breathing space is what she needs, not you going away for a couple of days, then return back to the same old stuff.
Do you recognize what triggered you into this possessive behavior?
Welcome to our community, Joshua. Are you familiar with the Divorce Busting principals? Have you read Divorce Remedy? If not, please get the book ASAP.
It is good that you sought help for your possessive ways. Have you been able to identify the root cause for this problem? How long have you been in counseling?
I know it would be a huge problem in my M if my H started the actions you have described. Can you see how it damages your R? Are you possessive in other ways or other people?
Until you are able to fix yourself, it will be extremely hard to repair the M. You see, in DBing, there is a lot of backing off, turning loose, setting free........and how can you do that if you can't get through the day without drilling her about what she's doing, where she's going, who she has seen or talked to, etc.
You are smothering her, and that is the last thing you want to do to a WAW. It is good you have not pleaded or begged. Now if you will show her you do not need to control her life and can be confident enough that you don't have to check in with her to assure your own doubts......that will be a major step forward.
Another thing you can't do with a WAW is to talk her into changing her mind. B/c the more you talk to her about it.....the more you are enforcing her decision to leave. She doesn't put much stock into what you say anymore, but she watches your action.
Another reason for reading the book is b/c you may not apply the correct moves to your particular stitch by just reading the forum only. For instance the NC you mentioned. This doesn't work very well when living under the same roof. However, not initiating contacts throughout the day is applicable for you. In other words, wait for her to contact you by calls, texting, emails, etc. When at home, give her space and don't smother her with your questions.
About staying in a motel for a few days to see if she misses you......I really don't think it would accomplish anything. Giving her breathing space is what she needs, not you going away for a couple of days, then return back to the same old stuff.
Do you recognize what triggered you into this possessive behavior?
Wow thank you so much for the reply. To be honest, Im not really sure what triggered this change. I have been in counseling for about a month now, and I haven't had 1 possessive-type thought for a little over a week now, I honestly feel like I've made the change.
I haven't asked her anything at all for a week now about where she was/is, what time will she be home, etc. I never call her or text her at all anymore, I always let her initiate.
Since making this change she has been much more friendly towards me so I'm pretty sure she sees it. I haven't said anything regarding my changes to her at all.
But there is no type of affection from her at all. I don't start any conversations with her, and I always am happy around her. Yesterday I called her baby by accident in a text and didn't catch it and she said don't call me that. And she has told me multiple times that she doesn't love me anymore.
I do plan on getting the book hopefully this week. My plan in the mean time is to keep doing what I'm doing and show no sign of possessive behavior at all. And no initiating contact and she if she eventually turns around. What do you think of my plan? Thank you so much for your help!
Sorry I forgot to add 1 more detail. Today for example we were both home all day. In the morning I got up and got dressed and she asked me where I was going and if I wanted to go out to breakfast with her and the kids. Which I said to the store and yes we can go when I get back. We went and all did have a good time.
When we got back, she sat in the living room watching TV and I went and was painting in another room. About 30 minutes went by with no interaction, then she called my name and asked me a question about something she saw at the store. I answered politely and then went back to doing what I was doing. About 10 minutes later she came and sat down at the dining room table right next to where I was painting and asked me for help with her homework.
I sat with her for a little while and then went back to painting but I was verbally helping her still.
So it almost seems like she is expecting me to follow her around or something and when I do the opposite she comes to me? Which I guess is a good thing? Is there anything I should do differently? Thank you so much again for your advice.
Hello everyone, I need some help with my situation. I’ve been married for 5 years (no kids together, just three wonderful stepchildren). I want to save my marriage. I know what I did to cause her to break up (my attitude) This was a little over two months ago. I moved out at her request to stay with a friend about 2 weeks ago. After 2 days at the friends house, she said I could come back and stay in the extra bedroom until I found a more permanent place. So I did. But tonight she said I need to hurry up because the situation makes her uncomfortable and she wants me to disappear. She says that she doesn’t love me anymore and no chance of ever getting back together. And that if she had money she would file for divorce now. For these two weeks I’ve been doing 180s and GAL and detaching but tonight I messed up and was almost begging. It’s been ups and downs. Last Sunday I invited her and the kids to breakfast and she accepted, then her and I went to the mall for a few hours. Afterwords I had to work for a few hours but I sent her a message saying that I had a great time and she responded that she did too. But other then that, really not much contact until tonight. I would never try to repair this marriage if I wasn’t sure I could make the change (honestly I feel like in the last month I haven’t slipped up once). About 3 years ago we had some issues and I moved out for 5 months. As soon as I moved out, I begged and pleaded and she told me the same thing (she doesn’t love me anymore and never getting back together). I used the techniques here and 3 months later she started to open up to me and slowly things got better so I moved back and things were great. Now I feel as though I’ve lost her forever and I can accept that but I’d really like to try to keep my family together. I am afraid this time I’ve run out of chances. Would me moving out and going completely dark help or completely ruin my chances? Thank you everyone for your support.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Threads merged - stick to one thread until 100 posts
She's says move out, you do. She's says move back, you do. She says sleep in other bedroom, you do.
She had no respect for you. Also I'm sensing some serious nice guy symptoms.
You've been through this before, DB'd and got results, but resorted to begging again? Beggars do not get respect.
Read cadets links for reminders. Then detach, GAL and 180s. And earn her respect back.
My advice for you, and this is speaking from personal experience, is to try to remain calm and become strong inside. What do you think "worked" the first time? List some of those things out here so that you can start to remember, and then "do what works".
Thank you for the responses. Steve85 you are completely correct, I am guilty of NGS 100%. I really don’t know why I resorted to begging again, maybe it’s easier then detaching? And the fear of loosing my marriage. But in response to ovtrnbw, what actually worked was when I really truly stopped caring about her and when I didn’t want to R anymore. Returning calls the next day, she’d invite me somewhere and I wouldn’t show, just really being an a-hole. I feel like she is the type of person who wants what she can’t have. Deep down inside I am aware that I need to get to that point again for 2 reasons. First and most importantly for my own sanity, and second, if I want any chance at this, it’s the only way. I do need an opinion about what are my duties vs NGS. Example, there is a broken window (that I temporarily fixed with plexiglass and tape a while ago). She told me to fix it. Since she is staying in the house (I’m the one leaving), I told her that it was her problem to get it fixed. She said that I’m being a a-hole for not helping and threw a glass of water on me. Also her car has an issue that needs fixed (it’s driveable just check engine light on). This are both things that I enjoy doing (construction and mechanic work) and wouldn’t cost me any effort at all. Am I wrong for not doing these things? I want her to see how life really would be without me since that is what she wants. But she takes it as me being an a-hole (her words). So what would you do in my shoes? Thank you all for the support 😊
No... no... no... nope!
If she wants a life without you then that is what she should get. Quit rescuing her. She needs to "man" up so to speak.
If the car is drivable then she can drive it right to the mechanic!
Yes you are correct, that is what I needed to hear. I will just cut her completely off then. Yesterday morning was the last communication we had, she was saying she hated me and wants me out of her life ASAP. I replied “It would be best if we don’t talk anymore. If you change your mind one day just contact me, otherwise I don’t have anything to talk to you about” and that was it. Was that a bad response? I was frustrated from the arguing in the moment.
Also when I came home today I noticed the window was replaced, it’s installed crooked but it’s new lol. I guess her mom lent her money to replace it? She’s probably expecting me to react?
I wouldn't even bring up the window. If she does, then say "great".
I'm at a similar point as you. Unless the W is actually on board with the MR, the small talk isn't always useful if the WAS is being rude and trying to start fights.