link to last thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...608#Post2521608Happy New Year's everyone. A friend of mine shared this poem with me today. Not a hopeful one, but beautiful.
A Blessing for the Breakup of a Relationship
by John O'Donohue
Now you endeavor
To gather yourself
And withdraw in slow
Animal woundedness
From love turned sour and ungentle.
When we love, the depth in us
Trusts itself forward until
The empty space between
Becomes gradually woven
Into an embrace where longing
Can close its weary eyes.
Love can seldom end clean;
For all the tissue is torn
And each lover turned stranger
Is dropped into a ruin of distance
Where emptiness is young and fierce.
Time becomes strange and slipshod;
It mixes memories that felt
The kiss of the eternal
With the blistering hurt of now.
Unknown to themselves,
Certain small things
Touch nerve-lines to the heart
And bring back with color and force
All that is utterly lost.
This is the time to be slow,
Lie low to the wall
Until the bitter weather passes.
Try, as best you can, not to let
The wire brush of doubt
Scrape from your heart
All sense of yourself
And your hesitant light.
If you remain generous,
Time will come good;
And you will find your feet
Again on pastures of promise,
Where the air will be kind
And blushed with beginning.
Still no contact w/my WAW since Nov. 3. Haven't seen or spoken to her in person since Oct. 3. I've had a lot of emotional ups and downs since then and the DB forum, the books and coaching have helped a great deal. Still working on GAL activities.
The number one thing that has helped is to take risks and open up to friends (about my sitch) and new people (for friendship and connection). A good friend of mine lost his W three years ago to a shockingly brief illness - he called me today. We hadn't spoken since my W first moved out. It was so helpful to talk about grief, the challenges of emoting and dealing with pain in healthy and productive ways. Before the S, I was pretty guarded. Now I'm finding that the more I open up to people, the more normal I feel.
I don't know if I can really gauge my success at detaching. The past couple of days it feels more like an acceptance that the R is over. But I am feeling like there will a life, a good life on the back end of this process.
I have a job interview with my company in a neighboring state (my home state) on Tuesday. If I get the job that will force some big decisions, but I'm looking forward to having more opportunities.
Okjpc,
I wont say don't be embarrased, as that is a feeling and they are real.
I will say this is a safe place to be open, honest and to get some great insight.
Ok, just caught up on situation briefly. Sounds like you are doing as well as can be expected under very trying circumstances.
Don't worry too much about the highs and lows - it is so normal!
Also, like the poem at the beginning of this thread.
Doing the DB program is helping me feel like I'm at least doing everything I can do for the M. Then I can give it all to God. Sort of like if it's God's will that my W and I can come together and save the M, then I'm all in. If it isn't God's will, then I can rest more easily b/c I am not sabotaging anything and I remain willing to do God's will. It's a comfort I feel at least on occasion throughout the day.
Great comments that I copied over from your previous link as a reminder (primarily for myself).
Thoughts and prayers are with you. Stay strong!
Hi Okjpc,
It is indeed a very hard time and Limbo is not a very comfortable place to find yourself.
In my situation, my H is always contacting me by text or calling me, we always have a lot of contact. But, he is still moving towards the D. The pain is the same if not worse.
This time will be good for you to think about what you intend to do next.
Hang in there...
Pink
Hi Okjpc
How are you?
It's Friday :-)
Hi Okjpc,
How are you doing? Did you get the new job? Did you move?
Is your sitch still the same?
Try us again, let us know how are you...
Hugs,
Pink
Hey there. I stepped away from the forum for a week or so. Reading everyone's sitchs and advice has been extremely helpful to me, but i needed to look squarely at my own for a few days.
I interviewed for the job and it was offered to me. I gave them a slight counter-offer and they are going to get back to me Monday or Tuesday. My kids and I have been staying at a friend's cabin in the woods for the weekend (there's wifi here) to talk about moving v. staying. They're ambivalent.
The new job wouldn't start until the end of May, so they could get through the school year here and have a few months to wrap their minds around it. Also, the foreclosure process on my house should be complete by then.
I've been praying and reflecting a lot about it and I think I'm going to take the job.
Last week, when I went to the other city for the interview, I had dinner with an aunt, uncle and cousins who live near there and had a nice time with them. Then I met up with a friend. Part of this job would entail lobbying/govt. relations for the non-profit I work for. He just got elected to the state House and said he would help me get on my feet in that role. Then I met up with a woman I met on a dating website. I reached out to her, told her I was contemplating a move there and asked her if she'd be interested in meeting. We had a lovely two hour conversation and both left feeling like we had made a new friend.
I guess I've embraced the realization that I need to make decisions for my life (and my kids') regardless of my WAW's actions. And I've mostly accepted that she is gone for good. I have shed a few tears this weekend after not feeling sad for a few weeks and I attribute that to the fact that I am making this decision to move away for good and moving on from her and the family we had together.
We'll be getting home sometime this evening and in time to go to church tonight. I'm feeling pretty good and will get back in the swing of things with this forum.
Thank you all for your help and concern.
Okjpc,
Such a tough sitch that you're in. I thought the limited contact with my W is challenging, I can't imagine going through absolutely NC. I do think w/o kids I would be in the same boat as you.
It looks like you are focused on yourself and kids, which is exactly what we all need to do here. From the outside, it looks like your making the best decisions for you and you family. That's commendable amidst all the pain you must be feeling. Keep going and good luck in the job offer.
Hi Okjpc,
It's tough to get to this kind of realization. I myself got to this point now. After so much contact I am realizing that my H just want a smooth D. Even asked me to sign giving up the Maintenance fee what his mine by right in CO, and since we were M for 18 years, that will be at least nine years paying alimony.
Well, it's was not my choice, he decided all this for me and is making the kids and I go through it without even trying. So be it. The only thing is that with all this our M probably has not chance.
I also have been closer to God, it's the only way for me to survive all the pain that is locked inside. I have good and bad days. Last time I talk to my H I asked him to back off, give me the space to grieve, forget him, taking him from my like, heart and mind. He did respect it this weekend. Lets see were it goes from now.
I am moving forward anyway. I do not want to have dates or even think about another man at this moment. I need this time for myself and I feel I need to recover from all this.
The new job sounds like something can help you too. New place, new job, new people around. Even some family. It will make the transition a little easier.
I am truly sorry you are going through this. Who knows, time goes by and we do not know what God wants from us. Where he is taking us right now.
Take care and be happy with your children.
Hugs,
Pink
Thanks, guys.
MCS and Pink, my heart goes out to you. From what I can tell about your sitchs, you've both had lots of reason for optimism, then there are huge setbacks. My sitch has been hard, but the ups and downs of yours must be really tough.
I don't know if it's just the mentality I've had reading this forum, but a couple of weeks ago I read a lot of hopeful posts. Today there seem to be so many about giving up and moving on. Maybe it's post-holiday blues. It's just so sad that we are all going through our version of this. F*ing heartbreaking.
Hi Okjpc,
It's all very hard and is getting uglier. My H is all about the D now. Wants to get moving.
For the first time in his life he wants account info, asked me for the financial info I made other day. Gave him a copy today.
It feels so much the end for us. I am basically like you now. I am seeing my hope shrinking day by day.
My H seems very determined and very sure of what he is doing. I think his A is going well (mind reading).
Sometimes I even ask myself why it hurts. I can almost get to the conclusion that my "Ego" hurts more then my love for him. It's getting very difficult to find that love inside me, with all the other feelings mixed up, I feel it's more like the broken pieces then the feelings itself.
It's very hard to explain. I feel good by myself and feel bad he is not in the picture. Maybe this is the beginning of the whole detaching aspect. You start letting go, but at first it feels you giving up.
I also feel a little mixed up about my emotional, romantic life. My every day life is quite good, keep doing stuff and feels good this much freedom. But, my emotional feels weird, like it is not right to even think about another man in my life. I guess I need time, and a lot of it.
Hope you find some peace, it's good that you have some things going in your life to look for. Maybe the change will bring you better people into your life. Who Knows, we just need to lift our lives to God and wait on him, on his work.
I was at my church yesterday meeting some folks that are in the process to travel to other countries to do missionary work.
They have four options, Hungary, Kenya, Equador and Brazil. I was born and raised in Brazil, so I could help a lot with the language, english class, etc. I also speak fluent spanish. I don't know yet, just got all info and will think about. I am really thinking it would be great to help others right now, it will boost my spirit.
Keep strong, keep the faith. Time heals and we will smile again one day.
Hugs,
Pink
I had (text message) communication with my W today after more than 2 months. I had my last session with DB coach on Friday and we talked about crafting a message to her to let her know about my new job out of state. I sent it today and really didn't expect a response, but she wrote back.
Here is the entire conversation in case anyone has feedback/critique/etc:
ME: [W name], I've taken a job w/[company] in [state] starting June 1. It's an opportunity I'm looking forward to. We have some things to discuss, e.g. 2014 taxes, etc. Is there a good time to talk?
WAW: Best to file married separate for 2014.
what else do we need to discuss?
What do we need to do for everything else?
ME:Kids' 529 plans; health and dental insurance. Did you file for divorce?
WAW: You can terminate the 529 plans. I have not filed for divorce. You can file for divorce. We can terminate the health and dental plans when we are divorced. You will need to call bank to get my name off your car loan.
ME: I can't file for divorce. It's not what I wanted.
Do you want me to put the 529 plans in your name?
I'm trying to get a loan in my name, but my credit score is messed up rt now. I'll keep working on it.
WAW: I have no money to pay for our divorce.
I don't want you to put the 529 plans in my name bc I can't pay for them. I want you to just cancel them.
ME: I don't have money right now either. But mainly my conscience and heart won't allow it - I never did and still don't want to be divorced from you.
That was 3 hours ago. I could have done better obviously. But I was totally caught off guard.
Will write more later...
That text exchange may feel to her like I set her up. I really didn't mean to. My heart is still racing a bit a few hours later.
Hey, this must have been one of the toughest things for you since all of this happened. I think you did fine. Text messages and email are such a bad way to communicate as there's so many intangibles that just aren't there compared to conversation, but you had no other options.
As hard as it is, try not to mind read. I'm having the same trouble of tiptoeing the edge of 'business' and 'relationship.' But hey, you let her know how you feel about the whole thing, that's not bad at all.
Thinking about you tonight. Take a deep breath, a short pause and get back to doing what you have been. You've been a trooper through all of this. Best wishes
Thanks, MCS, for the read and the feedback.
Only one response today from the WAW suggesting I take money out of my 401K to pay off the car loan or find another co-signer.
I guess I want her to own the D. She left. She may or may not have had good reason to, but she left and broke off all contact. It's not about the money (we don't have kids or assets in common - could be pretty cheap here). I want her to say, "Yes, I want a divorce." I haven't heard her say that yet.
Not sure when/if/how I should respond. I can't afford any more DB coaching sessions right now, so I would love some free advice here on the forum.
Text this morning from WAW: 'Did you get my last text?'
I waited a couple of hours then responded: 'About loan and 401k?'
WAW: 'Your conscience should not allow you to leave me with your debt. Also, you need to file for divorce as soon as possible.'
ME: 'I won't leave you with my debt. I'll get it worked out. I don't want to file. The separation was your desire.'
Atta boy! Let her own her own $hit. And you DETACH, for your own health and sanity...
Thank you, Vapo. I needed the encouragement!
WAW: 'Your conscience should not allow you to leave me with your debt. Also, you need to file for divorce as soon as possible.'
Really?!? Your conscience....wow.
You treated it the right way. I used to mess this up and would react to her when she would say something ridiculous like this..
Good job, keep it going
Thanks, MCS. That would have irked the sh!t out of me three months ago. I still have some anger towards her and the sitch, but I've had enough room from her now that I'm not gonna bite on any bait.
No reply from my text yesterday. Tomorrow I have my weekly IC, so I'll run this all by her.
I'm getting impatient with WAW. This is all so stupid.
Good IC session this morning. I'm thinking that my WAW really thinks I was in the wrong and she was/is 100% in the right and just can't come off that POV. My IC thinks that her not filing is a way for my W to feel some control b/c she feels she hasn't had any. Ironically, I feel like my W always cut me out of the loop on critical family decisions. But I digress...
It also seems like she's stressing how bad off she is financially. And blaming me for that, perhaps?
My hopes for this recent bout of contact to be a sign of this D being busted are vanishing. I think a D is inevitable.
I've decided to go NC until she reaches out first again. I'm very low on money, but decided to cash out the 529 plans I established for her kids and use a bit of that money to get a lawyer.
I think I am done DBing. The DB program really helped me to preserve my sanity and my integrity, but the M feels over. I'm in no rush to file for D, but I don't want to work to save the M any more.
I am beginning to get excited about my move to my home state at the end of May and I'm beginning to get excited by the idea of meeting someone new some day. Four months ago I couldn't imaging ever having a full life without my W. Now, however, even though there's still some sadness in my heart and I know I'm not ready to be with anyone long-term right now, I completely believe that the best is still ahead. I feel closer to myself (and my kids) than I have in quite some time.
I have an appointment with an atty this Wednesday to ask him some questions about moving without filing, costs of uncontested D, etc.