I don't know how to link previous thread but here's a brief update - married 22 years, H left Jan 2014 for OW, he is still with her. Lawyers involved, he said he wants a divorce, and wants the finances split.
I don't post very often, but am on this site every day looking for inspiration. I cannot believe it's been almost a year since he left. I saw him shopping with the OW last week and they were holding hands, looking so happy, smiling, in love and its like a dagger to my heart. I have heard he is spending Christmas with her and her parents and family.
I have been getting on with my life and I am busy with work, the house and family, but when will this stop hurting so much? I live in a small town, I am likely to bump into them often and I just don't know how to handle it.
I had hoped like many of you do, that the fog may have lifted somewhat, or the honeymoon period would be over, but it just seems to be getting stronger.
Holidays must be difficult for all of us, and I am filled with gratitude for what I do have, especially having met a friend of H and I who doesn't know if this will be his last Christmas as he has cancer.
The memories of my life with H are with me always, and I am still devastated that he's not here, and said he will never come back.
Sorry for being so negative....
Hi Stacey,
Your feelings are understandable, if you are 44 and you've been M 22 years, then, sweetie, you were with your H half your life and almost all of your adult years. I get that. Me, too. But 44 is not 88 and you have to look to the future now. Decide what kind of life you want for the second half and go after it. You can do this!
Hi Stacey-
I am sorry you are here. Like you I have been separated for just about a year now and wonder the very same thing. When does it stop hurting? When do I become as 'Happy' as WAH with this new life? I am trying to GAL as much as possible. But find it extremely difficult to detach. How is your GAL going?
The holidays are extremely rough. My STBX has been gone almost 15 months now, and I still cried on Thanksgiving & this weekend.
Thankfully I had someone who really wants to be with me to spend some time with; otherwise it would have been even more difficult.
When I get really down, I try to think of the last year of our marriage & how we were worlds apart. The mind always seems to go back to the sweetest moments though, which still hurts.
She emailed me that she would 'settle' for $60k; sad that in the end it just comes down to $$$.
Hang in there; you are not alone.
Stacey,
I'm so sorry you are hurting. The holidays, in my opinion, are difficult enough and these sitches make it even more difficult. It's okay and understandable to be sad- you have to feel those emotions. However, RPP is right. You have act 2 of your life left to live and it CAN be wonderful and exciting.
I understand this isn't what you wanted. However, this next chapter can be fulfilling and exciting as well. Take your time. Enjoy the good stuff. There is much good stuff to enjoy.
Sending you a hug:-)
Stacy,
I just passed the 2 year mark, of my WAW leaving. That first year was almost unbearable. Even today, I still have so many thoughts and memories that haunt me.....But it gets easier, and it get better. I know you have heard that a million times, but it's true. Every day that goes by, the hurt will dull a little more. Will it ever go away completely" Probably not. Life will continue to improve though and you will start to build new memories and connections. To help speed this along, you really DO need to focus on that GAL. It will be your saving grace. I know it's hard to get out there and start over. I still struggle with it, but if you force it, your life will begin to come into focus. Whatever you do, don't go stagnant. You and I are the same age, and we don't want to waste another minute on working towards happiness. You have the skills and the knowledge you need. Now all you have to do is get started. Go out and do something NEW, today. You got this!
Thank you all so much for your kind words.
I find it easier to GAL when I still have a glimmer of hope. Its when I start thinking that there really is no hope of us ever getting back together that I struggle to get through the day.
I am just not ready to believe it is really over. I cannot come to terms with that and don't think I ever will.
Friends and family think that because a year has passed I should now have completely moved on and got over this. But it's still so painful. I do not want to see them together. I still want to touch him when he comes round to see the kids. It's pathetic.
I go out with friends quite often, and I think they are all hopeful I will meet someone else but I am not there yet.
My L is making sure I get everything I am entitled to financially when the agreement is drawn up, and I fear this will cause some friction between us, but I have to protect myself and my kids for the future.
At the moment he is being very helpful and has offered to do some jobs around the house, which I have appreciated and told him so.
I am so grateful to all of you here. Reading your posts and your words of wisdom has been so helpful.
Stacey, I just wanted to offer my words of sympathy and support for you as well. I know it seems like there is no hope and the pain will never end. But you need to know that while you are alive there is always hope for things to get better!
Keep trying to move forward and force yourself to GAL and keep up those positive changes.
Sure it seems like your WAH is happy as a clam in his new life, maybe he is. But that could change, and probably will change. Keep your chin up you never know what the future might hold.
For right now you need to focus on your own life and your future. Try to plan something fun, interesting and exciting for early 2015. Do something nice with the kids or your friends, maybe a weekend getaway or a cool adventure? Something new and different to shake things up.
Good luck Stacey!
hugs, Lisa
Stacey9 I know how you feel. It's hard and it hurts. I too still want my H to come back and to change his mind but I have also learned that I need to let it be. If we are meant to be we will be. Maybe this is your time to figure out who you are and what you really want out of life.
I sometimes think maybe I am just used to him. I too have been with my H half of my life. Give it some time. Maybe in time we will both grow and realize that this relationship wasn't the right one for us. I think we both need to let go and work on ourselves. Maybe they will like what they see.
Now I know it's easier said than done but just know I am right here on this journey with you. We all are and there is a plan for us. We just don't know what it is yet but it will be great.
Prepare yourself for a 2x4!
I find it easier to GAL when I still have a glimmer of hope. Its when I start thinking that there really is no hope of us ever getting back together that I struggle to get through the day.
I am just not ready to believe it is really over. I cannot come to terms with that and don't think I ever will.
Friends and family think that because a year has passed I should now have completely moved on and got over this. But it's still so painful. I do not want to see them together. I still want to touch him when he comes round to see the kids. It's pathetic.
I go out with friends quite often, and I think they are all hopeful I will meet someone else but I am not there yet.
My L is making sure I get everything I am entitled to financially when the agreement is drawn up, and I fear this will cause some friction between us, but I have to protect myself and my kids for the future.
At the moment he is being very helpful and has offered to do some jobs around the house, which I have appreciated and told him so.
Thank you suckerpunch you are right, I am just going through the motions. No matter what I do or where I am H is always on my mind. How dare he fall in love with someone else.
And thank you LisaB, Danemom, DFE and everyone else for sharing your experiences and for being so kind. It really helps.
The L told me it's often the case after the separation papers are drawn up and the finances split that nobody actually files for divorce for many years. I certainly won't be the one to file. I do have visions of him wanting to marry this woman which just tears me apart.
I do need to GAL - and honestly I am busy and getting on with things. I am positive and upbeat around him and have not once mentioned the OW or asked any question about his future plans.
Thanks again everyone, I do appreciate you all taking the time to help me when I know you are hurting too.
One day at a time Stacey, that's what I tell myself. Sometimes it's one hour at a time.
Your feelings about GAL etc are a mirror to mine and suckerpunch's 2x4 can just as easily be meant for me as you. WAH is almost overly nice when interacting with me and I find myself conflicted with my 180s versus wanting to beat some sense into him
Prayers and thoughts are with you.
Just looking if anyone can offer advice here. Letter from lawyer outlining H's assets and I don't believe he's being truthful. My L has now asked for more proof of his finances etc and he is furious. I feel I need to get everything I am entitled to, this is my future after all. He is angry that this is just slowing everything up. What can I do? He seems to hate me.
PMA not been good this week. I've been crying every day thinking about the holidays. Even shopping for presents is upsetting.
He is so settled with the OW and my heart is still breaking. This will be our first Christmas apart in around 27 years.
Letter from lawyer outlining H's assets and I don't believe he's being truthful. My L has now asked for more proof of his finances etc and he is furious. I feel I need to get everything I am entitled to, this is my future after all. He is angry that this is just slowing everything up. What can I do? He seems to hate me.
Stacey, sorry you are hurting right now. Holidays are tough.
Let your L handle it, that's his job. Don't get sucked into H's drama. If he wants to speed things up, he can just be truthful in the first place. If needed, you can hire a forensic accountant to investigate and make sure you are finding all the assets. If you think it's a lot he's hiding, it would be worth it.
I know a guy who cheats on his W regularly. He has detailed for me how much property he owns that his W has no idea about. It happens. Protect yourself.
Hang in there!
Stacey,
this time of year really is a difficult. I can imagine how you must be feeling. This will be my third X-mas, after BD. The first year, was just after we split. It was so hard to bare. I cried every day, feeling that my life was a shambles and it would never be good again. I wanted so badly for W to come back. It was just awful, so emotional and heart wrenching! That was a couple years ago. Today, I am feeling ambivalent about wife and her holidays. I am however, feeling super excited about mine! I just scored front row seats to the Nutcracker for my daughter and I! It is going to be so much fun. So, let this be an example to you; You WILL get to a much better place. It is going to take time and healing. You will have some SERIOUS ups and downs, but you will be happy, when the time comes for you to be happy.
Are you GAL, like we discussed? I hope you aren't shooting yourself in the foot and delaying your progress. Get out there and start living. It might not be your happiest times, but you need to get your feet in motion. Meet new people. Do new things. Go new places. I am going to keep hammering on your until you do!
In regards to the divorce, you need to set your feelings and emotions aside. You didn't choose to set this in motion, so don't feel bad if H is upset about it. Of course he is. He wants it all, and in his mind he can justify the fairness. He is living in dream land, and reality will eventually smack him in the face. The financial part is just one of the consequences of divorce. He hasn't even began to experience the rest, that will inevitably come. Let your attorney do his work. Don't bend and allow your future to be affected, just because you feel bad about upsetting the man who left you for OW. Don't engage H about the divorce, at all. If he asks or complains, don't even respond. Your relationship is personal. Your divorce is business. That is my opinion.
Suckerpunch thanks so much again for the great advice. I am GAL as best as I can, I go out with friends almost every weekend, but I have to admit I am still so nervous about bumping into H and OW (I have seen them together a few times).
During the last year we were together I did not show him any affection or attention, I think I was trying to punish him for not being so nice to me. Obviously it all backfired, his needs were not being met and he got involved with the OW. I'm just wondering though - should I send him a card for Christmas? Maybe with a little message or reminder of happier times gone by? Or would that be the worse thing I could do? I'm just wondering if doing something different would surprise him. Any advice you have on this would be gratefully appreciated, as always.
RPP, thanks too for your advice. I have never heard of a forensic accountant, that's certainly something to consider.
And well done Suckerpunch on the front row seats! Enjoy!
Stacey, I'm a CPA, (although I'm not working public accounting at the moment), so I'm familiar with the field. One of the Ls I talked to a few months ago mentioned it as potentially being useful in my case. If you think your H is hiding assets, it totally could be worth it. Ask your L.
I vote no on the Christmas card. But that's just me. I sent cards with all five of our names on them, so what do I know?
I don't think a Christmas card is the worst thing you could do, but you dont' sound very detached, so I expect you can't do it without expectations. Therefore, don't.
I actually was a forensic accountant before kids (though I never worked on divorce cases; I did corporate work) and if you think your H is hiding things then I definitely recommend it.
BTW, if you think your H is hiding assets, why on earth would you send him a Christmas card????
Hugs, lady. This is a tough time of year.
I think I agree with the Christmas card input you've been given. BUT....I don't see it as pressure. If you can do it without expectation, and it was something that made YOU feel good, then by all means send him one.
I second the suggestion, that you need to work on your detachment. How much contact have you been having with H, lately?? Have you considered going dark?
Thank you RPP and Maybell for your advice. Maybell - I think I'm still hoping the sweet, kind guy I've known since high school will come back, and Christmas time being so full of memories of our special traditions may trigger something in him. Not likely to happen I know.
Suckerpunch - I see H almost everyday for around 5 mins when he comes to see the kids. At the start of the S I made sure I was out of the house or in another room when he came round and I barely spoke to him. After a few months the strain was just too much, so I started being nicer to him and showing him a more positive me. The only time I have saw glimpses of his old self was in the summer after his vacation with the OW - he was so nice to me and was offering to do jobs for me round the house etc. Guilt? Maybe.
Because he has been the main earner during our marriage he sees the savings accrued over the years as his - to help him buy another house. He seems to think that by walking away from the family home and signing it all over to me is a fantastic gesture. Even though I still have to re-finance and I am left with all the bills and the household expenditure to try and manage on my salary(he earns 3 times more than me). On looking at the statements he has submitted to my L there does seem to be half of it unaccounted for, so I don't know where it is. My L has mentioned court proceedings, but do I really want to go down that road? I do need to protect myself and my kids.
Detachment is a real struggle for me. I don't think I will send the card, I think it would only bring disappointment.
Thanks so much for your advice - much appreciated.
So, let me ask you this. What are your 180's, and is H seeing them?
The changes I've made over the last few months have been around insecurity and jealousy issues I had during our M. I have not mentioned the OW since I first saw them together in July. I have not asked him about his life or his plans. I have not been been needy and I try to remain positive when he's around. I always try an look my best. I have become super-fit and train 4 times a week - the difference in how I look and hold myself is amazing.
I honestly do not know if he has noticed any of this. I figure he must have. But he has not mentioned it, or asked any questions about me or my life. He just does not seem interested in me at all.
I continue to hope he will get fed up with the OW and the excitement will wear off, or that he will come to realise that what we had was actually quite good.
I do go out with friends and have been asked out on a couple of dates, but the thought just repels me at the moment.
Everybody tells me to move on and forget him, and I tell them if it was that easy I would have done it 6 months ago.
Hoping 2015 is better for us all.
Stacey
how is your situation? I notice it has been a few months since you posted. Are you still active?
I am sending you postivie vibes and best wishes.
NAJ
The changes I've made over the last few months have been around insecurity and jealousy issues I had during our M. I have not mentioned the OW since I first saw them together in July. I have not asked him about his life or his plans. I have not been been needy and I try to remain positive when he's around. I always try an look my best. I have become super-fit and train 4 times a week - the difference in how I look and hold myself is amazing.
I honestly do not know if he has noticed any of this. I figure he must have. But he has not mentioned it, or asked any questions about me or my life. He just does not seem interested in me at all.
I continue to hope he will get fed up with the OW and the excitement will wear off, or that he will come to realise that what we had was actually quite good.
I do go out with friends and have been asked out on a couple of dates, but the thought just repels me at the moment.
Everybody tells me to move on and forget him, and I tell them if it was that easy I would have done it 6 months ago.
Suckerpunch thank you so much for your wise words. Your positivity helps so much.
It's true our m was terrible in the year before he left. And he has said our m was over years ago. Not for me though. May I ask you what was the turning point for you? When did it all stop hurting so much and how were you able to detach enough to allow this?
He asked when he could come round on Christmas Day with the kids presents. I can't believe he will be waking up without them. I told him to come anytime in the morning, I think it'll be upsetting for us all when he leaves again. His choice, his life.
Wishing everyone a peaceful holiday.
Well, I still struggle with it on a daily basis, but now I am at a point where it doesn't monopolize my thoughts or control my actions. If anger or hurt about my marriage comes into my mind, I can pretty much turn it off, shrug my shoulders and get on with my day. You and I have soooo many similarities. That is why I relate so much to your sitch. I was paralyzed, maybe even more so than you. I couldn't believe the level of hurt that I was feeling. I never thought life would get better, and I never thought I would be able to let go.
I was told over and over, by some amazing people here, to GAL and work on my anger. It took me a long time to get with that program, and it held me back in my healing. I finally found myself moving forward, when I was able to get my feet in gear and start living life again. That is why I stress so much to you, to GAL. It will be your saving grace. Put it into motion ASAP. I think another big step forward for me began when I was able to simply go dark, or at least as dark as I can be with a child involved. I have found the less contact I have with W, the better I feel. My hurt and anger are noticeably more present when I have seen wife, heard of her or talked to her. Contact always seems to stir the emotions. I think there is a lot to be said for "out of sight, out of mind". Today, she has been out of sight, out of mind long enough that I really don't pay her much thought. I am becoming more and more ambivalent in regards to her, every day. You will get to this point too. It just takes time. Everything you hear on this site, the GAL, exercising, working on self growth, doing your 180's, acting "as if", all of it is VERY solid advice for all of us. Putting all of this great advice into action is your only obstacle. That's the part you have to figure out, and you WILL figure it out in time. Right now, its just hard to see it, but it is there. Right in front of you ....Happiness
Thank you again suckerpunch, that is all so good to hear. I do want to get to where you are but I am still hoping he might one day want to come back.
I survived Christmas day. He came round with presents for the kids but it was quite awkward. There seemed to be long gaps in the conversation, so I came through from the kitchen to try and help. We made small talk, but there were no hugs or warmth. I gave some family members a framed photo of the kids and I wondered if it would be a good idea to give one to H, but decided not to. He went off to spend Xmas day with the OW and I had a hectic day with a house full of family. It was fun. There were only a few tears,in private,when I remembered the last 20 odd years of preparing dinner with H, laughing and dancing in the kitchen....so many magical memories that he has chosen to forget.
And I do agree it is so much harder when there is daily contact, it's also difficult hearing about him and the OW - everyone I know seems to want to share their stories. And she really is nothing special. It's just a living hell thinking about them together.
I am so looking forward to happiness....
Stacey, you've been on my mind. How's it going?
Rpp thanks so much for checking in on me! And a very happy birthday to you.
Not much to report I'm afraid, not seen much of H during the last couple of weeks, although a fb friend did post photos of a new year party and there in the background were H and OW, smiling and happy.
I don't post much but I do check up on all your threads - very strange indeed about your H flirting with you RPP (if it was my H, I would be overjoyed!). I especially like reading up on yourself, Mozza, Little, SS, Lisa, Maybell, Toots, Jim, Hpoirot, Kgirl, Raliced, Vanilla, card, and the advice and observations really really help. I also read back often on the advice given to me and cannot thank everyone enough for that.
I just wish this sinking feeling would go. I think of H and OW most of the day, I just can't seem to detach from them. I feel so much more hopeful when I think it may not last although from everything I see it seems to be very serious between them. I think he must have been so bored with his life with me and now he is living the life of a single guy with no ties and he seems to love it. And he seems so in love with her.
MWD says to visualize a positive outcome and when I do this I feel so much better, but is it giving me false hope?
I am busy with work, family, pets, the house etc and I am grateful for so many things in my life.
I just keep looking for a sign, any sign, no matter how small, that he is sorry for what he's done, or has a bit of doubt in his mind, or just misses something about me. And I hate this OW so much for being half responsible for breaking up my family.
Thanks for listening!
S
MWD says to visualize a positive outcome and when I do this I feel so much better, but is it giving me false hope?
I am busy with work, family, pets, the house etc and I am grateful for so many things in my life.
Stacey - When you say you are visualizing a positive outcome - what does that outcome look like? Are you only visualizing an outcome that includes reconciliation?
I have to be honest - I am visualizing an outcome where H regrets his actions and wants to come back. I know it's unlikely but it could happen.
But I also would like to be totally unconcerned about where he is and what he's doing. To be able to see them together and not have that gut wrenching feeling of utter hopelessness would be a positive outcome for me.
Hi Stacey
Thanks for mentioning me in dispatches! Hey, it sounds a little as though you are putting your life on hold....waiting and hoping. Who knows, your H may 'wake up' and want to reconcile....but he may not...
One thing I think of is, if we reconcile, I also want to know that I would have been fine alone too. I feel if I wouldn't have been happy alone, I'm reconciling because I 'need' him and not because I want him 'as icing on the cake' in my life.
It sounds as though there's lots going on in your life, but you may want to think about how you can better accept the current situation with your H - and where a positive outcome isn't necessarily reconciliation, but you having a happy and fulfilling life come what may. You deserve better than to be sitting waiting for someone who (at least for now, and who knows for how long) is with someone else..
I know how tough it is, but you owe it to yourself....Toots x
Thanks Toots. I agree with everything you say. I am honestly getting on with my life, I just wish I could get H and OW out of my head. I don't want to be bitter it is not healthy, but I would like to have seen how H's romance would have played out over the last year if I was the one to move out and he was left with 2 teenagers to look after. As it is he is free to come and go as he pleases and he has frequent weekends away, vacations abroad etc without a care in the world.
I need to let go.
x
You simply need to refocus your efforts, Stacey. You are spending a LOT of energy on things you have no control over and things that can be viewed in a more positive manner. You are also mind reading a ton. You have no idea how wonderful H's life is. For all you know, he cries himself to sleep every night. YOU are putting these thoughts into your head, while you could be thinking of other things. I was the worst at building scenarios in my head, to help me be angry or upset about my failed marriage. I would dwell on history, how unfair it all was, how things should have been different, how miserable I was, etc. It becomes habit, and you need to change that. Just like any habit, you need to retrain yourself to act differently and think differently. When thoughts of H or your M come into your thoughts, shake them out as quickly as possible and think of something different. They are taking up space in your head that you can be filling with something more positive. The more you dwell on those unhappy thoughts, the longer you will be held in limbo, in unhappiness, and you won't be able to live the awesome life that is right in front of you. You have so many wonderful things to think about, if you can only change your perspective, just a bit.
What are you doing this weekend, Stacey? I want to hear your GAL plans.....
I would like to have seen how H's romance would have played out over the last year if I was the one to move out and he was left with 2 teenagers to look after. As it is he is free to come and go as he pleases and he has frequent weekends away, vacations abroad etc without a care in the world.
So, are you saying H has a better life, because he has freedom from his family, and he gets on a plane sometimes? The life where he isn't seeing his children, raising them, seeing them grow and develop, every single day, like you are? Honestly ask yourself if you would change roles with him tomorrow. I bet you wouldn't. Personally, I feel sorry for that idiot. THAT is the perspective I am talking about. You have so many gifts right there in front of you. Think about them. Don't make up sad scenarios in your head, that aren't even accurate. It only brings you down.
SP thank you so much for your advice. I have re-read your posts several times, they are so helpful to me.
You are so right, I do need to break the habit of thinking about H and OW constantly. I am feeling sorry for myself - my life is so miserable while he is living it up with the love of his life. And for all I know it may not be a bed of roses.
Also, I would much rather be me than him. To be there for my kids every day and to know I would have done anything to save my M is important to me.
I am stressed at the moment which is not helping maintain a PMA. The house is being valued this week, my L is still working on splitting the finances and I really don't know how it is going to end up. Maybe once everything is settled I will feel calmer.
As for GAL - my friends came over on Friday - we had a lovely meal and a few drinks. On Saturday I caught up with housework and ironing. Exciting stuff!
My kids are older now and have their own lives which is the way it should be, so I do get lonely sometimes. During the week I am at work every day, and at night I go out running. I always try to plan stuff at the weekends but it's difficult when most of my friends are married with young families.
Thanks again SP, you have given me a lot to think about.
I TOTALLY get that feeling of all of your friends being married with children, so it makes it super difficult to do "single people" things. I was in the same boat, but here's the deal. You need to get yourself some new friends, literally. I know that sounds difficult, but it's not as hard as you might think. There are lots of us out there, and we are all looking for stuff to do. Join a church group, take a class, go for your run in a very busy area. Place yourself in areas where you are available to meet new people and do new things. Start working on that bucket list! That's what GAL is about. It is not about staying home and visiting with your old crony's! You need to branch out and start connecting with a new circle of people, with new activities. That doesn't mean you have to ditch your old friends, it just means that you need to add new things to your world. NOBODY is going to come to your house and knock on your door, with fun and exciting new activities. You need to go find them. Want to know what I am doing today? I volunteered to take a Girl Scout troop to the fire department. It sounds like nothing, but I've met 4 new friends, since becoming involved with my daughters troop. With that, I have gone on several adult activities with them, bowling, out for drinks, movies, whatever. It is the new stuff that gets you in gear, not the same old same old. It doesn't have to be huge, but it should be different than your normal routine.
I want to hear your new list for this week, Stacey! How are you going to expand your world?
Hi All
I'm not the greatest at lots-of-people GAL, trying but...well....reasons, mostly me but also the above. Almost all friends were shared or are long term married.
Currently digging into meetup.com which I wont post as a link as I'm never sure of the rules here. Its *NOT* a dating site its for meeting up with people in groups for shared interests, you can also create your own (although I believe this costs if you become an organiser).
Not found one near me as yet and cant recommend it through experience as I only started looking last night, may be a place to start though
Edz
Suckerpunch and Edz thanks for the suggestions!
During the week I am so busy with work, household stuff and running I don't have the time for anything else! But I have to be honest, I am not much of a joining in sort of person anyway. The sort of things I enjoy in life are the simple things - a good book, a walk, cooking, movies etc. Really just the sort of things H and I used to do together.
H is meeting me tomorrow to discuss finances (again). Everything is still with the L's but is far from being settled so he wants me to help financially with the house costs. I already pay all the bills and I don't know how much more he is going to expect me to pay but I don't want to get into an argument with him. I want to yell that he chose all this, and now I am going to be left with massive L's fees to pay, plus I have to re-finance the house and I will be so financially and emotionally worse off.
I will have to be calm, cool and show him my best self.
Any advice on how to do this be greatly appreciated.
Hi Stacey
If you want to meet people, maybe you could stick with the gentle stuff you enjoy and do it with others. Have a nice Sunday afternoon walk. Go to a low key book group. Maybe think about a cookery class etc? Things that would replace stuff that you ane your H did.
Keep calm cool and collected, AT ALL COSTS. Do this, for two reasons. First, a negotiation that gets heated will never end well, and nothing will get settled. It will just add an extra layer of conflict, for the next encounter. Not to mention, you are also DBing, so you will want to keep the conflict down as much as possible. Light, friendly and fluffy. You can even do this when talking about finances, so do your best. Make SURE to use your validation skills, and really listen to what he has to say. Remember, validating doesn't necessarily mean agreeing. If there are things you are thinking, "no F'ing way", it might be better to say, "I will take that into consideration. I will need some time to process it fully. Let me get back to you on that". Use "I" sentences, rather than "You" sentences. "I do not like the financial burden I am in", rather than "you put this financial burden on me!", for example. It is also very important to keep any boundaries you need in place, and ultimately you have to keep your best interest in mind. DO NOT make any financial considerations, based on the hopes you will reconcile. The nuts and bolts of this negotiation is, battling for what you feel is fair for YOU. That is about the only advice I can give, Stacey. I blew mine over and over and over again. Mine usually ended in an argument with nothing being agreed upon, so be warned. It happens. Try to avoid it all costs. Showing that you can work through difficulties, fairly and without anger, is a great 180 for most of us. Remember, you are the wife only a fool would leave. Best of luck!
In regards to your GAL, I also enjoy those stay at home, "couples" activities you mention. I love nothing more than curling up on the couch with some takeout food and enjoying a movie with my partner. Here's the deal, I wasn't doing THAT, when I met my partner. I am sure you get where I am going here. You have to break outside of your comfort zone, or your life will remain in neutral, Stacey. Nobody is going to knock on your door and want to come read a book with you. You have to go meet people and DO things. That is how this whole process of "getting a life" starts. I have beat you with a pillow about this for a while. Don't make me break out the real 2x4's! Get your butt out there and GAL! No more excuses. I am still waiting for your list!
Thanks SP, I read your post several times before he came over.
It was all about him. He can't afford to keep paying mortgage while awaiting the separation agreement being drawn up. He has paid x amount of money over the last year and has nothing to show for it. I am so lucky the house will be mine after all of this.
I resisted the urge to scream at him that I have been the one paying all the bills and looking after the kids over the past year. And yes I will have the house, but at a huge cost. I tried to keep it light, I nodded in the right places and did not agree to do anything but think about things.
Just as he was leaving he mentioned cancelling the mortgage payments with the bank. I think he is just trying to frighten me. He wants me to just sign the agreement without digging deeper and getting everything I am fully entitled to.
He could hardly even look at me throughout this. I spoke about a couple of things going on in the house that would normally have interested him, but he couldn't care less. This all seems to be about him getting money from me to help finance his fun new life. He also tried to get me to feel sorry for him - poor, poor him having to start again from scratch and try and buy a home of his own. But it was him who said 3 times during the conversation that he knows it was his choice to leave.
I'm proud of myself for not arguing with him. It's all so unfair and it is all his own fault. But I did not say this. I was calm and collected as I hoped I would be.
Thanks Toots for your GAL suggestions!
And suckerpunch you are right, I do need to get out of my comfort zone.....I will get back to you on this! Thanks again for all your help.
Great interaction! I will guarantee, that H is thinking long and hard about his choices. It is not all peaches and cream over there, so don't you convince yourself that it is! I hope he was able to see some of your 180's. It would have been nice to have some tickets or vacation plans laying around for him to "stumble on".....hehe
My ex used to use the, "it was my choice to leave", comment too. I don't really know what that means to the WAS. It is a common part of their script. If I could show you where my ex is living and who she is engaged to today, you would literally laugh. Maybe it's mind reading, but I bet she thinks about that line often, and it's probably followed with, "WTF was I thinking".
Be happy for all the awesome things you have in your life, Stacey. If you put most of your attention on that, and less attention on the past, You will be conquering the world in no time! Life is grand, if you want it to be
You have 24 hours to post that GAL list. The week is already half over! You've been warned!
Well I have no great GAL activities to report on, but my PMA has been fantastic this past week, got some jobs done around the house and a few other things that were needing done.
But have just had a bit of a set-back. D20 has been spending some time with her Dad over the last few weeks. He has asked if she would like to meet OW. She said yes. She said she wasn't sure whether to tell me or not. I'm glad she did, and I told her I wouldn't ask any questions about it, but if she wanted to tell me about it that is fine. She is curious about her.
I am gutted. I know many of you with younger children have already dealt with this, but this feels like another step towards total acceptance. S18 chose not to meet OW.
I was feeling better, and as Suckerpunch said, it can't be peaches and cream with H and OW all the time. I would never try and influence my daughter in any way, and I suspect the OW will be very nice and pleasant to her, and ask loads of questions and be genuinely interested in her.
I just don't think I'm ready for this.....
Stacey that's hard. I don't want my girls within 10 miles of the duck. Ever. But I know there will be a day it will likely happen.
Your girls are adults and you have raised them well. They can handle the OW. Maybe D20 will come back and tell you about the giant wart on her nose.
Haha RPP, I hope so!
It really doesn't make any difference, but a few of H's friends have told me they were all shocked that he left me for her. I have seen her and she is nothing special, but she must have something going for her to make H dramatically leave his family to be with her. He is with her constantly, he even takes her to events where its all guys and they are the only couple. Weird.
Anyway, I will just have to deal with this. I know if D20 doesn't mention anything to me, it is likely to mean she liked the OW.
After all his moaning about money last week, I offered to contribute towards the house. He said no! I couldn't believe it. He said lets just have a think about it and not do anything hasty.
Just don't know what's going on in that head of his.
Hey Stacey-
There are a couple of things that really stick out to me here.
I remember earlier in your postings that you were distressed that some other family members were willing to meet with OW. Stacey, for your sake, you need to let go of this. The fact that they are willing to meet her is not a rejection of you, nor does it mean that they are picking his "side", it doesn't say anything at all about how they feel about you. It means one thing only, and that is that they want to maintain a relationship with their family member and that makes them ...........human. My MIL has used a lot of invective when discussing the OW ("What kind of woman must she be....etc). However, if and when the time comes, I'm sure she will meet OW and be courteous to her, because she loves her son and wants to be in his life. And while all of this might be awkward for me, ultimately I don't want my kids to have one whole side of their family estranged from one another over this.
I doubt D20 is going to form any concrete opinion of OW based on one meeting. And if she likes her? So what? Doesn't diminish her feelings or relationship for you in any way.
You know what would concern me a lot more? The fact that D20 wasn't sure if she should tell you or not. It's a sticky, icky situation for all involved, but if my daughters were that age, I would hope they would think of me as the parent they could be open with and not be afraid of hurting me. Look, I know that's a tall order and I'm not going to lie, when D3 babbles about "Lisa" it hurts . But it shouldn't be my daughter's burden right now to tiptoe around my feelings. So I suck it up, and gently try to steer the conversation in a different direction when it happens.
Your kids are older - but they're still kids and they are dealing with their own pain about this. Don't allow the OW to cause any damage there. If your daughter is uncomfortable to tell you about her - you are giving OW power she should not have.
I sense that these family members meeting OW upsets you so much, because you feel it will help solidify their relationship and you , of course, are hoping it will fail. I think all of us who have a WAS in a affair feel that way. Who wouldn't? I know some people here say the AP is a symptom. I guess so, but only if that symptom is like active chicken pox, not the underlying cause of the disease, but something that makes it impossible to interact with other people normally. We're all kind of hoping for that rash to clear up.
Hang in there Stacey.
Thank you so much raliced for your valuable insight. You are right of course, I am worried about OW becoming a well liked family member and taking my place, but I know H's family have to accept her for his sake.
It's just tough you know, when D20 has seen all the heartache and turmoil first hand and wants to meet her. But I understand her curiosity. I do hope she doesn't like her and no new friendship is formed. Mature huh?
You are so strong raliced, you've coped tremendously well throughout it all. Thanks so much for taking the time to help me.
Well D20 met the OW. She came home in tears. She went to H's home briefly and was so shocked to see all the OW's things there, holiday photos of the two of them together, letters addressed to OW. She asked her if she lived there and OW said yes.
D20 was not prepared for this and I think the reality of the situation just hit her. She was upset that H has this new life which doesn't include his children, and that there were no pictures of them in the house.
She also was not too impressed with OW, she said she was pleasant enough to her, but laughed at absolutely everything H said and D20 thought it was quite embarrassing.
I'm glad she told me all this, and that I was there to comfort her.
I didn't know they were living together, but I actually feel a bit better about that, knowing all the excitement of hopping back and forward to each others apartments has gone. Let them now deal with each others dirty laundry, bills, cleaning toilets etc etc....
I'm also angry that he's trying to get more money from me to help with the house costs, when he and the OW are managing a small house together on two very good salaries while I am struggling with the bills, trying to re-finance etc on my own.
But I won't show him this anger, I will continue to take the higher road and try to be the best person I can be.
Hi, Stacey.
Yes, it will be entertaining to see how they cope with life together, won't it?
FWIW, my STBX never put family/kid pics up even before he started cheating. He said he "wasn't the kind of person who did that sort of thing."
The money may be a struggle but at least you don't have to cope with a person who devalues you on a daily basis.
Best to you.
Stacey, I'm sorry your D was upset. It's kind of a catch-22. You don't want them to be best friends but you don't want them to hate OW so much it interferes with the relationship with their dad. Overall, I guess that's his to workout and I'm glad you were there to comfort your D.
Yes, take the high road. And make sure your L is walking beside you.
Stacey- it says a lot about where your H is at that he didn't warn his adult daughter that OW was living with him before they met.
I know there are lots of struggles, both practical and emotional right now for you, but you will come out better for them in the end.
Your H? Not so much.
Thanks Maybell, RPP and Raliced for your kind words.
He's been round to see the kids plenty of times when I've not been there and he could have told them then, but didn't. It's as if he thinks its no big deal. Which has pretty much been his attitude throughout this - I'm with someone else, so what, I've done nothing wrong, get over it.
And I think it would have suited the OW to have his daughter find out about it, then the whole family know they are officially a couple.
I'm slowly beginning to see a brighter future ahead for myself and can see good things happening. But I know some days are good, some are horrendous. Everybody here knows what it's like.
Thanks again for your input, much appreciated.
An appliance in my house isn't working, it seems to be an electrical fault. H would know what it was straight away and could easily fix it. Should I ask him? Or should I call a professional in (will be expensive).
If I asked him I don't think he'd refuse but he may not be happy about it.
Stacey, has he fixed other things? Has he said he's willing to help out?
My S agreement specifically spells out that H will help with things around the house. I put them on a list on our Cozi ap and he checks it from time to time and takes care of them. It works for us. But I know not everyone is going to be able to handle it that way.
I think I'd ask first, all he can do is say no. You don't really have much to lose.
Rpp, he has fixed a few things in the house and I always show him I'm very grateful for it. He's not offered his services and I don't think he wants to maintain any kind of friendship with me whatsoever. In fact he only comes to see kids when he's passing, or when he's out of his house on another errand and he drops in, which makes me think OW doesn't know he's coming round every other day.
I'm a bit reluctant to ask him as things with the L's are getting a bit heated. Does this mean I have no right to ask for his help? I have no idea. He wanted me to sign the agreement as quickly as possible but I have instructed L to look into things a bit further which I know he's not happy about.
It's a difficult situation.
Thanks for your advice.
I'm a bit reluctant to ask him as things with the L's are getting a bit heated.
Well.....in that case, I'd probably spring for the repairman. Worth something not to have to talk to him.
It's sad that your ex did warn your D. that he was living with OW. I can imagine how hurt she felt to see pics of them and none of her. It's amazing how fast they move in together. My ex moved the OW in within weeks of our split. The rose does fall off the bloom quicker that way though. My Mum used to say quick to flame the flame will fizzle
Thanks RPP, you're probably right, I'll try and find a local handy man!
I'm not trying to delay matters, or financially ruin H, I just want to make sure I get exactly what I'm entitled to, and at the moment that is proving tricky.
Thank you too Karma. In your sitch - did your H and OW live together for a year and a half? I hope my H and OW tire of each other quickly, although at the moment they are renting a house and H has told me he is keen to buy a property so it will be interesting to see if they do it jointly. Then they are really tied together.
D20 was very upset about them living together, it was heartbreaking to see her like that. How dare they upset her. The H I knew would never hurt his family and would do anything to protect us. How times change.
Thanks again for your input.
The Ow lived at the house for 9mths. Then she moved out but was till around for another few months. My ex said it was a huge mistake having her move in and he was very stressed out. She was from Eastern Europe so he kinda stuck with her until she could get a place on her own. See during an affair the life they have together is all fantasy. It was fun and exciting to cheat and hook up all over Europe while he was travelling on business. A little different when real life with all the everyday stressors kick in. Not so fun then!
What should I do? Follow the advice of my my L and try to get half of what is legally mine (this is an asset owned by h and other family members) If I go ahead I fear this will alienate h even further(if that's possible). I'm also worried it could cause an irreparable family rift.
Or do I forego any share I may have in this asset to keep the peace?
We're not talking vast amounts of money but enough to make a difference to me. I am not greedy and would hate anyone to think I was. And I really don't want h to hate me over this.
What would you do if you were me?
Stacey, hold out for half the value of the assets total, not necessarily half of each asset. For instance, some W may be able to keep the house if they give up claim to a pension fund. So is there a way to get your half of the total without making this one asset a deal breaker?
But as far as I'm concerned, if you alienate him, who cares? Hasn't he taken care of that himself?
Ditto Stacey- this is not the time to worry about wounding his feelings. If he "hates" you because you are being treated fairly, he is not in a rational state of mind. Don't sacrifice you well being and financial security to keep the peace.
Thanks rpp and raliced.
H thought this was going to be so easy - I'd have the house but no rights to his pension and he'd be free of the mortgage, he even said it was win win for him.
But there are assets which are proving difficult to prove, he didn't even mention one of them to his L.
You are right I do need to do what's best for me, he only thought about himself when he left us.
It does matter to me what people think though, and this does have the potential for h to make this look as if I'm taking what's not mine. Some of his family tend to think the house and all the nice things we have are his as he paid for them as he earned more. I think it's an old fashioned thing. They don't understand that it was because I worked part time for years bringing up the kids.
He is now living with ow and they are both on good salaries.
I'll just need to stay strong and keep my head up.
Thanks for your support.
The way I see it, a marriage contract is a legal contract. There are reasons that laws exist to divide property. I'm pleasantly surprised that in a country that does not seem to value the work of a woman as much as that of a man, I live in a place where, regardless of who earned the money, anything earned during the marriage is community property.
My H makes 4-5x what I make. He walked out on me. I am certainly not going to let my pride, or the fear of how his family will judge me, to allow me to make a foolish financial decision.
Who the F cares what they think, Stacey? If your H bailed on any other business contract, he would have a financial obligation. It's business, in my mind. Your future and security are at stake.
Stacey-
You give a lot of thought to what other people might think. Have you thought about the message you might be sending to your kids? That its better to be quiet and not be treated fairly so that other people won't be upset?
There's a difference between scorching the earth by quibbling over every detail and the dignity of expecting and fighting for what you have earned in over 20 years of marriage. If your daughter ends up in the same position 25 years from now - what advice would you give her? Hold the peace? Or recognize your value?
Please don't let your fear of what other people might mistakenly think effect the quality of your life and financial well being. You are worth more than other people's opinions.
Thank you so much Claire and Raliced for your support. You are both right and of course I should fight for what I am entitled to.
I spoke to one of H's family members who I am very close to and explained what was happening. I wanted to give her some prior warning and I was so surprised when she told me I had her full support - she said I have to look out for myself after all I am on my own while H has OW to help manage the bills.
I have been feeling strong and positive for the last few days, hope it continues.....
Thanks again.
Stacey, you still around?
Rpp thanks so much for checking in on me, that's so kind of you. I'm still here and reading up on everybody's threads every day.
Things are not going so well for me just now. The legal stuff is so stressful and h has been very clever in concealing certain things. My L cannot guarantee a positive outcome for me. H has also announced he is stopping the house payments this month. I told him I knew he was now living with ow which must make his financial position a lot healthier than mine. He said that was none of my business and just reinforced his opinion of the type of person I am.
I have also found out there will be a big family celebration later this year which I won't be a part of and this makes me so sad.
But I'm still running, still keeping on, still hoping for better things.
Thanks again for checking on me xx
Sorry I've not posted here for ages, but I still keep up to date on the posts every day, usually on my phone during lunch breaks.
Just feeling a little down tonight. H told kids today he is moving away in a few weeks. He said he will be back to see them every so often. He didn't feel the need to tell me because obviously its none of my business. It's a lovely place he's moving to, full of young professional people, with loads of nice places to go and is in a big bustling city.
I think he's becoming the person he's always wanted to be - not the man stuck in a rut with a wife he no longer loves and 2 head strong grown up children.
I know this is just a temporary set-back, just like when I found out they were living together and when I first saw them together, and I'll soon feel like myself again. It's just so hard to think he'll be so far away from us.
On the plus side at least I won't be worried about bumping into them every time I leave the house. It's just another stage in his journey I'll just have to get used to. I just can't help but think he's found his happy ever after.
Thanks for updating us stacey9. I always appreciate when people keep in touch.
You know what is the antidote to these blues, to these negative feelings about your H's new life?
Create your own.
Think about what excites you. Really: you now have permission. You've always envied people who dare to take a dance class? Guess what: anyone can do it and so can you. You'd like to play a new instrument? You want to spend a week-end alone on a beach? You want to go to movies every night for a week? You want to eat at the best restaurant in town? You want to wear a bright yellow dress? Attend a comedy show?
I don't care much what my W does because I'm having my own fun. This week-end, I'm going to a city I've been meaning to visit for years. In late July, I'm going to a 3-day music festival, which would have been almost impossible before S. Also, I'm flirting and meeting lots of people. All of these things excite me very much and make me focus on myself and not care as much what kind of fun my WW has. In fact, she moved in almost right away with OM so I suspect she'll be back to square one (routine, disagreements, etc.) while I'll be a happy single guy! Part of me is worried that she'll come back too early and I won't have had the time to do all that I meant to do while single!
It's not that I'm completely detached; in fact I was crying over my S about 15 minutes ago. But as I slowly detach, I try to see the world as a big playground. I ask myself what do I really, really like doing. How long since I've done it? Anything I meant to do but didn't dare? Sure, we can feel abandoned, but we're also freed. Isn't it also exciting? What are you doing with this new freedom?
Thanks so much Mozza, as always your positivity is inspiring. And thank you for all the new links you have added to your thread, it's so helpful.
I was reading the recent debate on your thread regarding dating, and I saw that almost everyone was against it. And I am too, but...about 4 or 5 months ago I met a guy while out with friends and he was nice and asked for my number. I explained what was going on in my life and why I wasn't ready for dating and he was fine with this. I met him again 2 weeks ago, we chatted and when I was leaving he kissed me. It was so strange to kiss another man and it felt really nice! I don't really want to date him, but it was so good to feel desired and attractive.
I am getting out and meeting new people and I enjoy it. I accept every invitation that comes my way now and I am enjoying myself. Even on weekends when I don't have plans, I find I quite like my own company - cooking a nice meal, some nice wine and a movie and I'm happy!
When I find out about these new developments in H's life it feels like BD again. The pain is not so intense but is still there and makes me realise how much I love him still.
And I love reading your thoughts about the WAS new relationships becoming stale and routine. This gives me hope.
Other changes in my life - S18 is moving out next month for college. Big changes. Just me and D20 left. Hoping he'll visit often if only to get his washing done and a home-cooked meal.
Thanks again Mozza.
Thanks so much Mozza, as always your positivity is inspiring. And thank you for all the new links you have added to your thread, it's so helpful.
You're welcome. I've no stats on the use of these links, so it's always nice to know from people who use them.
I was reading the recent debate on your thread regarding dating, and I saw that almost everyone was against it. And I am too, but...about 4 or 5 months ago I met a guy while out with friends and he was nice and asked for my number. I explained what was going on in my life and why I wasn't ready for dating and he was fine with this. I met him again 2 weeks ago, we chatted and when I was leaving he kissed me. It was so strange to kiss another man and it felt really nice! I don't really want to date him, but it was so good to feel desired and attractive.
Kudos to the man for kissing you! He has more courage than I do, especially after you rejected him the first time.
But tell me, why are you against dating? Your H has left over a year ago, is with OW and is moving to another city. I'm not challenging your position, I really want to know what holds you back from dating.
I am getting out and meeting new people and I enjoy it. I accept every invitation that comes my way now and I am enjoying myself. Even on weekends when I don't have plans, I find I quite like my own company - cooking a nice meal, some nice wine and a movie and I'm happy!
Good, but not good enough! Especially not the "I accept the invitation I get". Don't let other people dictate what gives you pleasure and joy. Staying home to cook and watch a movie can also become a cop out to do things that thrill you more, but scare you. It is difficult for me to convey it in writing, especially as I know you so little, but really think about what would give you pleasure. YOU CAN DO IT! Now you can! He's gone! You have grown kids who takes care of themselves. Let go of who you think stacey9 should be, and create who stacey9 can be, wants to be.
To me, you sound like someone who doesn't want to leave her comfort zone, even if it's quite narrow, even if it doesn't cover all the ground that gives her joy. You mention that "everyone is against dating" on my thread and so are you, as if it mattered at all to you what everyone else thinks. Are you sure you're becoming your own woman? Because that's what's attractive, that's what will attract any man, including your H. A woman who invest in herself, who knows what gives her joy and goes for it.
I bet your initial reaction is defensive: "No, I assure you, I'm perfectly content!" I challenge this and I encourage you to come back with a couple of examples of things that you'd really like to try. Expand your horizons. You could learn guitar and join a heavy metal band. Yes, you could. Imagine that. Do you see what I mean? You don't have to do what is expected of women in their mid-40s. Anything is possible. The world is your oyster.
When I find out about these new developments in H's life it feels like BD again. The pain is not so intense but is still there and makes me realise how much I love him still.
You still love him in part because you haven't filled the spot he left empty. I'm not talking about another man, I'm talking about your perception of yourself. You are still stacey9-the-separated-mom, rather than stacey9 the sassy single woman who gets kissed by handsome men. You need to let go of him and create a new you. And it doesn't have to be hard: it's a matter of giving yourself permission, of getting out there. Do what you love! You can! You have permission! Trash that ugly carpet and buy the pink one! Plant tulips in a heart-shaped form on your front yard! Create modern art that nobody else understands! Go wild!
And I love reading your thoughts about the WAS new relationships becoming stale and routine. This gives me hope.
Hope of R? That's not really how I see it. For me, it's difficult to know that my W is on cloud nine and easier to know that she left me for another normal life. All successful R, including that of my parents for 46 years, involves routine and disagreements. It does not mean that they will split or that H would come back. But to know that she laughs at everything OM says, that they have fantastic sex, that they go out all the time. Well, that's just hard. That's why I think of how R normalize over time, not really to convince myself that this routine will take her back to me.
I don't think you need hope at this point. You need to drop the rope. Not because there's no hope, but because this hope is hurting you. You still think about him, rather than about you. Once your focus is on you, you won't have time for his life.
Other changes in my life - S18 is moving out next month for college. Big changes. Just me and D20 left. Hoping he'll visit often if only to get his washing done and a home-cooked meal.
How I dread this moment... But let me make a small observation: you cling to the past again. And not even a fun past: washing clothes! When he moves out, over just a few months or years, your relationship will completely transform. Since BD, I talk to my parents almost every day. At first, it could be 5-6 hours a day. Now it can be 1-3 hours. We talk as equals as parents, we talk about sex for the first time in our lives, we talk about grandkids, etc. When you look to the future, get excited about the new it brings rather than hoping that the past, even the boring one, will stay.
Catch my drift?
Stacey! I have been wondering about you. Thanks for the update.
I like what Mozza wrote, especially this:
You are still stacey9-the-separated-mom, rather than stacey9 the sassy single woman who gets kissed by handsome men
I know this was true of me for a while. It was really awkward being semi-single. Now, not so much. I have made new friends, most assume I'm D, because most of them are. They don't ask me questions, or reference my H. We talk about, and do, other things. I don't date, but if my H was moving to another city with another woman, you bet I would.
Anyway, keep us posted!
Hey - Stacey - how are the legalities going? I know that was a source of some concern for you previously.
Oh my goodness Mozza, you've given me loads to think about!
Firstly, I'm not against dating at all, it's just that I still feel too vulnerable and raw to be in another relationship. I would much rather just have the handsome guy maybe take me out every now and then and end the night with a nice kiss. Nothing more. The thought of getting any closer than that scares me, as does letting another man into my home and my life. I know I could just take things slowly and see how it goes but I wouldn't want to lead him on.
You are right about my comfort zone, I sometimes don't like to wander far from it. But the invitations I now accept are to things I would never have considered a year ago. Also - my level of fitness is something I'm really proud of - I run about 25 miles a week now which is something I've never done before. But I know I need to do more to stop me obsessing about H's life.
And yes, deep down I do still hope he will realise he's made the biggest mistake in his life. Doesn't everyone here? If things with OW go sour he may remember our good happy times, who knows? I am not sitting around waiting for this to happen and it doesn't stop me getting on with my life.
I think I do cling to the past a bit, especially when big changes come along which I'm not quite ready for! I need to give myself a shake. Thanks so much again Mozza, you've given me loads to ponder!
Thanks for checking in too RPP, I always read your threads, and it sounds like you're doing great!
And Raliced - your H is moving closer to you while mine is moving further away!
In terms of the legalities - I think we may be close to an agreement and he'll finally be free of of paying the mortgage. We've both supplied all documentation required of us and my L is in the process of drawing up a proposed settlement. I am meeting with her on Wednesday. No matter what happens next he is going to be so much better off financially. And he knows it, which is why he's moving to such an affluent area. It feels like his life is on the up - new home, in love, financially secure etc etc. (please don't be too hard on me for saying this, its just how I feel tonight after hearing his news).
Stacey
stacey9 - I'm glad f it gives you something to think about. In fact, I believe that's the best thing we can get from these boards.
Let me clarify something: it's not about doing lots of things, it's not even about doing new things, it's about doing things you love.
What I'm talking about is fun but it's not easy. In fact, my IC told me that few people ever think about it, even those who go through a crisis like ours. You shouldn't think about "What did I like yesterday?", you should dig deep down and find your self.
Here's a personal example. Over time, I've compromised with my W to decorate our houses and apartments. I like her style (vintage, artsy) and continued to apply it after she was gone. Yesterday, I went to the Museum of Modern Art and I "remembered" that I love modern art. I saw an abstract painting that I wanted on my wall a long time ago, but had forgotten about it. I had an idea of an installation in my living room and now I'm excited about it. So, you see, I went from "I love vintage and artsy, just look around me." to "Actually my natural inclination is towards modern art." Until yesterday, six months after BD, I hadn't even realized what I really like.
But now, imagine the thrill of putting up this installation on my wall. This is me! I'll come back home, look at my wall and just feel great about it, knowing it's really, really me. Even if no one likes it, I'll be super excited, not just pleased.
This is what it's about: being excited about your life.
That's why I'm talking about permissions. When you explore what you like, you should have little moments of "Wait, can I... can I do this now??"
If you really want to live in the country, the idea that your H is moving to a big city will sound boring to you. If you love Dutch painters from the 16th century, hearing that he bought a Jackson Pollock will sound wasteful to you. If you're doing the things you love, there's nothing that he does that will affect you. That's why I suggest that all that he does affect you so much because you're not really doing what you love right now.
This is not to say that you shouldn't challenge yourself to try new things. The two are compatible. I've a secret GAL plan that I refuse to mention to anyone until I've done it because it's new and it scares me and I'm afraid to replace the act with all talk. But it's a plan that's been on the back of my mind for some 20 years.
Why not think about it for a few hours or days and then give us a list of five FUN things that you'd like to do? Any city you'd like to visit? Art endeavor? Theme party you'd like to host? OK, I don't want to anchor your thinking: the page is blank and yours!
___________________
You and this handsome man already have open communications because you've told him about your situation and he's been clear about his interest. My suggestion is that you tell him exactly what you've told us and take it from there.
I agree Mozza, thank you.
Doing things I love because I can sounds great and I will need to give it some serious thought.
I think I need to let myself grieve over this latest development. I am surprised at the affect its had on me as I was expecting it. When I found out they were living together I was okay. This just feels like he's sailing off into the sunset to start his exciting new life, leaving us all behind.
And I will continue my life too as best I can. I'm sure this is just a little set-back and I will be back to normal in no time.
Thanks again so much for your input.
stacey9, I came to your sitch because it seems on the cusp of something really exciting. It looks like you need just a little push to see the bright future ahead of you. A single 44 year old woman with grown kids. You're so accomplished yet young and free! I hope you'll do the exercise of giving us five fun things you'd like to do or try. Make sure each of them give you a little tingle of excitement... or more!
(And yes, it's ok to feel pain for this latest development. Don't let it slow you down though.)
And so he's gone.
He's off to a live in and explore a beautiful city with OW. It's been a tough few weeks with lots of tears and lots of reminiscing.
I know this is for the best. I don't have to worry about seeing them together and I'm pretty sure I won't see him very often, maybe birthdays and Christmas. It's so difficult to detach when I'm still so incredibly attracted to him and ache to touch him every time I see him.
He never spoke to me about the move - he told the kids knowing they would tell me. Just before he left he spoke to me about the kids for a few minutes and I gave him a plaque one of them had made for him years ago. It is very pretty and was painstakingly embossed with the words "best Dad in the world". He took it and smiled, but didn't show any emotion. Giving it to him then just seemed the right thing to do.
I've been thinking a lot about what he said before and after he left me 15 months ago -
"our marriage has been over for years"
"is this it?"
"I'm fed up looking after everyone else and just want to look after myself"
"this part of my life is over and I want to move on to the next part, I don't know how long it will last, maybe a short time, but it might go on and on"
"if I stayed with you I would be unhappy for the rest of my life"
I think he was in love with OW long before he left and he had been planning his escape for a long time.
I know 6 couples who have split up due to the involvement of an OP. Only one couple have stayed the course, they did not marry but have stayed together for the last 15 years and have 2 children together. Another left her H and moved straight in with the OM. They lived together for 5 years and have recently split up. The remaining four have drifted from relationship to relationship and have still not settled down. None of them have reconciled with their spouses.
I sense this is a new beginning for me. I am devastated he is planning his future with OW, but at the end of the day there is still no guarantee everything will work out. As Calibri said, it can't be rainbows and butterflies all the time.
Another good thing is I will no longer hear stories of H and OW, everybody I know has seen them together and has an opinion.
I am moving on. I will never give up hope of a R maybe sometime in the future but at the moment life is for living and I intend to do just that.
Onwards.
Stacey, I wish I could take some of the pain from your heart right now. I am so sorry.
I know others would say you've failed to detach, or that you need to grow if you're still clinging to an H that shows no interest. But while there's some truth to that, I can't help but admire your loyalty and the depth of your feelings.
I feel like I posted this exact same thing once before on another thread, but I'll say it again. If you were over him in 24 hours I'd call you heartless. I don't want to see you suffer forever, but I actually think it's inspiring that you cared that deeply.
It's like on DB it's a race to detach. And while I get that, I really do- I admire that you loved your H that much, and that you took your M that seriously.
Hopefully you can give yourself permission to let go now, and I will pray that you are given strength and comfort to ease your burden.
Thanks so much Zues, your kind words made me cry!
I think the next stage of my journey is about to begin, but what a journey it's been. To be honest I've spent the last 15 months hoping H's relationship with OW would just fizzle out, but it looks like he is going to be one of the few whose affair goes on and on. Maybe forever, who knows.
But I have exciting things planned! I have signed up for every new group that has emerged at work which will take me traveling around the country attending different meetings and learning new skills.
I have lots of home improvements planned.
I go out with friends and smile at strangers! I have met lots of new people and it feels good.
I run 4 times a week. I love it.
Better days are coming.
Thanks again Zeus.
Stacey, so glad you stopped by for an update. I'm sorry things seem so final with your H but you truly never know. And in the meantime you have a fabulous life to get on with! Sounds like you have some solid plans.
Thanks RPP, I'm sorry I never saw your post till now.
Well I have only seen H once since his move. I have heard through the grapevine that he and OW are so very happy in their new place. It's just like a fairytale ending for them.
But most days I am happy. I have to admit I still think about him most of the time, but I know that will fade the less I see him. We are very close to a settlement being agreed and after that I will be expecting the D papers through the door.
I feel fit and healthy and I know this is a new beginning for me.
When I think back to how I was after BD I'm so happy I survived!
Dear Stacey
God bless you. I feel you and your posts are inspiring and sad and happy all at the same time. You sound like you are in a better place now. You H is an idiot who is lost in his MLC. The truth is you don't need him. You have you and your two lovely children and many many more people who love you.
I can't wait until I get where you are - I am almost there - I just want to be at peace with myself and to have the trauma out of my body and mind.
You have done the hard work, I wish I was there, a few more months and it will be a year for me too. I hope I am in a better place too.
Love to you
HeavyD
I think it is normal to think about the past but just remember it is the past your H is not the same person he was in the past and the new H is someone you probably wouldn't pick out now to be your husband.
Keep going forward. I think everyone even those who are the ones that chose to leave think about the past too and with regrets. If that helps.
HeavyD thanks so much for your kindness. Your WAW still shows so much emotion - the tears and anger, I've had none of that from my H, its like he's been totally cool and detached from the start. So surely then she must have doubts about her choices? I think you are handling things perfectly.
I can honestly say there have been moments in my marriage where I felt complete and utter happiness. Just being in that place and time where I didn't want anything or anyone else. I don't know if he ever felt that with me. I think this must be what he has now with OW. So this makes me wonder - why should he stay with me, his childhood sweetheart and mother of his children if he can have sparks, passion, contentment, bliss, whatever, with OW?
He knew he would be the hated man for a period, and then everyone would get used to it, which is exactly what's happened. It is win win for him. Infuriatingly so.
Thanks again HeavyD
Thanks for checking in Skhdive. I agree H is not the same man he was and I would love to think he has some regrets. If he does he hides it well!
Take care x
Hi Stacey9
Tears and anger are all for manipulation on her part for me. It's all one big drama party of which I am not intrested in anymore.
My heart has been stomed on and I have finally gotten up and put a stop to it. It has been very hard, out of character for me but I feel a lot better about myself.
Again, tears and anger are her response to my detachment. She can't control me or bully me anymore. Over and out.
I wonder if anyone can offer me any advice...
Everything is still with the L's and has been ongoing for almost a year. We cannot reach an agreement. Basically, I want to stay in the house, there is a lot of equity tied up in the house, but after speaking to my L at the start she advised it looked likely I could keep the house and also receive a moderate capital sum from H. This is not how things look now.
H first went to a L last year as he maintained he could not keep paying the mortgage (at that time I know he could afford it, he just did not see why he should). He has now moved to a very expensive apartment with the OW and has not paid the mortgage since April. My L has advised we want to avoid court as we are not talking about vast sums of money, and the court costs could outweigh any possible gain. Plus I have no idea what way it could go. So I am paying everything - mortgage, bills, food, everything. And the mortgage at the moment is really high, I am looking to re-finance to get it down to a more affordable amount.
I am able to buy H out of the house - his pension and other assets offset his share. But H and his L seem to have decided the value of our house which I think is totally unfair. We have had about 8 valuations done, we went with the middle amount and the one agreed by 3 of the vendors, but H obviously wants to go with the highest one which means he doesn't need to pay me a capital sum. I am not being greedy here but I do want to get what I am due. They also refuse to agree on the value of another property. They have now said we should just sell the house to get a true valuation. I cannot see how this would be in H's best interests. It is the family home and if it was sold the profit would come to me anyway.
My L has now said I should be happy to get the house transferred over to me and there will be no capital sum paid by H. But I feel I am giving in. It's the unfairness of it all - he's got the perfect life and everything has turned out great for him while I've suffered all the pain and torment. Not to mention the financial implications of it all - I am dipping into my savings at the moment to get by. And at the end of it all, yes I will have the house, but also a huge legal bill to pay. I really don't want to sell and move but I don't know what to do. None of my friends and family know anything about separations and divorce and cannot offer me any sound advice. I certainly can't afford to retain another L.
Do you think I'm letting bitterness cloud my thinking here? Sunny - I have been reading your recent posts with interest. Your H seems to realise none of this was what you wanted so he is prepared to pay the legal costs. I think that is the very least my H could do, but he really does not think he's done anything wrong at all - he wasn't happy and now he is, end of story. If my L suggested him paying this, he would of course just refuse and it all seems to be within his rights to do so. If I had known at the start it all boiled down to H and L getting to decide what the value of the properties were I would never have paid for the valuations (2 of them at least) to be done. It just all seems like a complete waste of money.
I have seen him 3 times since he moved. We had an argument the first time regarding him stopping the mortgage payments. Things were very civil and friendly at his next couple of visits. I believe he is enjoying playing host to some of his family and friends who visit him in his beautiful, clutter-free, teenager-free apartment in the beautiful part of the world it's in. Everything is so perfect for him.
Meanwhile in other news, I am now super-fit! I feel great, I am not dating but I am enjoying my freedom and embracing the single life. I have met loads of new people. I have been asked for my number several times, and even stopped by strangers on the street! It is so odd, but there is no spark with anyone at the moment and I think that's what I'm holding out for.
Sorry for the long post but if anyone could offer any advice I would so appreciate it.
S
Hey Stacey- it's good to hear from you! I'm running out the door to work but will check back in later.
Stacey, first, congrats on being fit, meeting new people, and loving your life!
Sorry your H and his L are causing you so much grief, I think not accepting a mid-point valuation is totally unreasonable. I don't really have any advice on that part, except to look at the difference between the mid-point and what H is proposing and consider it within a bigger picture. Is it a lot of money? If you end up staying in the house another 20 years is it significant? I don't know the answer, but consider if there's any room for compromise within you. No, you shouldn't have to, but then again, if the money is relatively small, it might be worth your peace of mind to have it all over.
And on this part:
Sunny - I have been reading your recent posts with interest. Your H seems to realise none of this was what you wanted so he is prepared to pay the legal costs. I think that is the very least my H could do, but he really does not think he's done anything wrong at all - he wasn't happy and now he is, end of story.
Yes, STBX is paying for it all, and I'm pleased with how it's being handled, but truth is, it's being paid out of joint funds, we haven't split anything yet. So it's just reducing the pot that's going to get split. It's really not any different than splitting the assets and then us each paying our own Ls. My household expenses have been coming out of that pot, but so have his apartment expenses. So be it, that was a small price to pay for the possibility that we might be able to work this out. And as it turns out, it was a small price to pay for being able to keep peace between us. The way I look at it, my grandchildren are worth a few thousand.
Finally, be careful of believing that your H's life is perfect. It may be, it may not be. You don't know what he's thinking. RD reminds me of this occasionally and he's right. H may be miserable in his clutter-free teenager-free apartment, you don't know. And you wouldn't be happy in a clutter-free teenager-free home. So enjoy your kids and let him be.
Hang in there Stacey!
Thanks Sunny, I appreciate your response. The difference between the mid-point and his amount is around 20K, of which I would receive half. It's just the feeling of giving in, of letting him dictate how it ends up which is getting to me. I could just let it go his way and be done with it, the house would be in my name, he could file for D and that would be the end of it all. I don't know if there's anything else I can do.
A very unexpected thing happened last week - I saw H and OW together. I have seen them in the past while they lived in my town, but they are now living at the other end of the country so this was very unexpected. What struck me was how ordinary they looked, I had been imagining this magical, loved-up existence they shared, but of course reality is nothing like that. He looked sort of hen-pecked and was walking behind her carrying her bags! She is really nothing special at all, although younger than me, I certainly do not feel jealous of her at all. He looked straight at me and I smiled but he totally blanked me.
I felt detached from him and it felt good. I must be getting there at long last.
It's just the feeling of giving in, of letting him dictate how it ends up which is getting to me.
What's your goal here? Is the goal to be right, or to move on? That is in no way a snide question, I mean it sincerely. What do you want out of this? Do you want to show him you can be firm and win on principle and fight to the death, even if it costs more than $10,000 in legal fees? (I know a couple that are still fighting after 15 years and more than $2mil in L fees.) Or can you swallow hard and take the financial hit and live with you being the one who gave in just to get away? There's no wrong answer here, it's whatever feels correct to you. Think about it. What do you want the end product to be? And there you'll have your answer.
Hey Stacy-
I know you can't retain another lawyer, but do you have the opportunity to at least consult with another one just to get a second opinion?
I don't know what your financial situation is. $10,000 is a lot of money to anyone. You will have to make that decision. And if it is a purely financial decision - make sure you weight the potential risks and court costs.
And if it is more of an emotional decision......well, Stacey, I would really give some serious thought to just putting this behind you. And if that really feels wrong think about what is to be lost or gained about fighting him on it.
You will get through this Stacey.
Thanks so much Sunny and Raliced for your input.
For me, it's really all to do with right v wrong. He's the one who walked out on his family to be with someone else so I believe the least he can do is give me half of his savings/assets. Okay so he is signing the house over to me, but he is free of the mortgage, and lives his life without any ties and responsibilities of family. Due to a technicality and also the fact he refuses to meet me half way with the valuation of the house means he will be so much better off financially and that just makes me want to scream.
After I refinance the house I will be paying a mortgage until I retire - at age 65+. So not fair. He in the meantime earns 3 times more than me and is living with OW who I believe also has a good job. I'm sorry, I know this sounds really bitter but I can't help it.
Raliced, I think I will try and get a second opinion, thanks again for your advice.
Hi Stacey, I get what you are saying. The only thing I would say is try to make it a business decision rather than a personal one. Fact is $10k gets eaten up quickly in legal fees. My L costs £230 an hour and I just paid a bill for £750 to cover routine stuff like checking my financial disclosure. So, I think legal costs versus gain is the big thing to watch out for here.
Good luck with whatever you decide xx
Hi Stacey.
Unfortunately there are only wrong answers here.
When my parents divorced they argued so much over who gets what that the legal fees meant there was no assets left to split.
More immediately, one option I found worked in my case to resolve this was to factor in all the sales fees etc. Based on the difference between selling or not. Because of things like fees, taxes and mortgage redemption penalties had my XW held out for the higher valuation she was claiming was fair and assuming that we somehow met that (which never happens) then once all the fees were deducted her 50% share would have been less than the offer I was making based on a lower but much more realistic valuation.
Basically she was thinking in gross value and I got her to start thinking in net value.
Not sure if it helps you but it resolved an impasse in my situation
Thank you Sotto and Jim for your sound advice.
I've still not decided what to do. I spoke to another L to ask about a second opinion but apparently its not the done thing while I have my own L on board. I can try and speak to a client case manager but I'm pretty sure it won't get me anywhere.
H's L seems to have made all the decisions on how things should end up (best for H of course) and I can either agree or go to court. My L has backed down completely and can see no other way to resolve it other than to give in.
I hate divorce.
Thanks again guys for all your invaluable advice.