So after 11 years together (almost 7 married) and a 5year old son, my wife comes home and says she wants a divorce. This was after she was gone for 2 weeks for training for her job. I got every reason under the sun, I love you but, I need space, I didn't think you ever cared, you took me for granted...etc.
A few days later she admits that she cheated on me while she was gone. At first it was someone from another city who she hasn't had contact with since, but it slowly came out that it was someone from her work who was also at the training center at the same time.
She was willing to work things out at first, but then decided that this person she just met will make her happier for the rest of her life.
Thats where we are at right now. Our house is for sale, she sees him whenever she has the chance, and is convinced that this is what is best for her. Says she lived her whole life for others and now she is doing things for herself.
I'm absolutely crushed. She says I should have seen it coming, but obviously didn't. She says her friends just want her to be happy, even though we had the kind of relationship that everyone wished they had.
I'm not perfect obviously, but who is? I can be selfish and opinionated sometimes. I don't do as much of the housework as I should. We've had fights about things like this in the past, but I never thought it was this bad.
She says she resents me for the decision to only have 1 child, even though it was a decision we both made (i thought), and she pushed me to get a vasectomy. After that, due to other health reasons, she had a hysterectomy earlier this year. It wasn't the only option, but it was the most effective and she was adamant that we were happy with just one.
I don't know what to do. My head is spinning and my world is crumbling. Its been 2 months now, and I know I have a long way to go.
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Eleven,
I'm sorry you're going thru this. Doesn't make it any less painful, but your wife is pretty much following the wayward "script" right now -- it really varies very little from sitch to sitch. What she is doing with most of her complaints is called "re-writing marital history." Rather than focus on the bogus complaints, try to really take this time to do some introspection and focus on "those things that sting" -- that is, those things that YOU know are REALLY things you really do need to work on to become a better man and husband.
Is this other man married?
It's been two months . . . what have you tried so far in the way of boundaries, or self-improvements? Have you read DB or DR yet? Sandi's 37 Rules on this forum?
Hang in there,
Starsky
How long ago was her surgery, and does she take any hormone replacement therapy?
Surgery was in March, no hormones, she kept her ovaries. I have read the 37 rules. That's pretty much what I've been trying so far.
The other man was living with his girlfriend of 5 years and her 2 kids.
From what I understand, she had since moved out.
As far as boundaries, she doesn't talk to him on the phone when I'm home, and he isn't to meet my son.
We got an offer on our house today. Obviously we have different priorities when it comes to that, but so far so good iguess
This is the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm being patient and happy and withdrawn. It's looking me, but ican do this.
*killing me
I read the first half of DB last night. It helped to get my mind off of things while she was out with the AP. Things have been more civil, because of how I'm reacting I'm sure, but sometimes it just seems like it makes it easier on her. I know it doesn't and I can't see what she is actually feeling.
Now that I'm staying calm and following the rules, I find that she is looking to pick fights over things. I don't take the bait and she calms down fairly quickly and apologizes.
Another thing that I found out today, who knows if it's true though. She had told me that the AP told his girlfriend what happened and told her to move out. Through someone who knows someone who knows him, she caught him and moved out on her own. Not that it really makes adifference, but it's nice to know that he's lying to her already. Unless she knows but wouldn't tell me.
Eleven,
Sorry to see you here. As starsky said, most of us are all in somewhat of the same boat. It is the toughest thing I've ever been through, bar none. It's so tough seeing someone that you love do this and seemingly look out for no one but themself. Kids compound the pain for me, because there's so little we can do to make up for the sitch.
This is the best place to be, given the circumstance. There's vets here that do all of us a huge service by commenting and guiding us. They've seen most everything and most have successfully repaired their marriages. Then there's all of us novices. Most of the time for us, it's comforting to know how many others are going through the exact same circumstances and feelings. You'll see us commenting our opinions and they are just that. Mostly its group help for us and the things we say to others often help us put our situations in perspective. Sometimes the folks have constructive criticism, that's the best kind, the things that hurt to think about are usually the best to address.
A couple things that have helped me, so far. But also the toughest for me to handle.
- Take care of your kid, be their stability here. Make sure he knows you love him
- If in doubt about something, see if you can get advice here first before confronting your spouse.
- Try to realize that your wife is in a fantasy world right now, everything is right with OM and she thinks you caused all of the issues. My W told me the A was a symptom of How I treated her and Had nothing to do with her leaving. Believe nothing....don't take it personally (I should heed my own advice)
- they can only dodge 'life' for so long. Try to be prepared for when it starts to catch up with them. That's when the best time for reconciling, but there's little we can do to get them there. That's normally longer than we can stomach up front. I read last week 6-9 months is the average time to even start any reconciling, if it is going to happen.
- Try to balance out being cordial compared to enabling their activities. It's a fine line and hard to see what is what (another advice I need to work on myself)
- Try not to compromise things to protect yourself and kids because of trying to work on the R. Another really though balance.
Eleven. Just to echo what others have said. Follow the DB/DR books and post on here often. The vets are really helpful and the rest of us can give moral support. Try not to react to what you W says without first really listening and thinking about your answer. It is an incredibly tough time and it seems it will never end It will end and one day you will be happy again Take one day at a time and focus on your child , they come first no matter what. Take care
Thanks for the words of encouragement. I'm doing the best i can to be cordial without being a doormat. A fine line for sure. It's early, so obviously i haven't seen any change in her stance, but it does make it easier for me when I'm able to control my mood around her.
My son is obviously not happy with the situation, but he is my first priority, and he knows that. He's the the one keeping me on track. I know I'll be happy again someday one way or another, but so far that tunnel seems too long to let the light through.
I've almost finished reading DB, and DR should be here by tomorrow. Again, I'm thankful for this forum. I'm sure I'd be spinning my tires if i hadn't found it.
There are days when i wonder if it's worth it. Will we reconcile? If we do will i ever trust her again. Of course i want to. I know I have along way to go.
She thinks she's being considerate by asking if it's ok that she leaves for the night to go see him. Asks me if I'm "cool" with it. How am I supposed to respond to that. Of course I'm not ok with it, but I can't tell her that.
Hiya, Eleven.
Firs of all, you must stop acting like your W's best gay boyfriend. You are her H and she cannot disrespect you like this anymore.
To aid you, I'd suggest that you read up on HPoirot's threads here in the Newcomer's section asap to get some tips on how to set boundaries on your wayward wife who is involved in an active affair with OM.
Busting this Divorce-Standing Firm
eleven... don't take that "asking if it's ok that she leaves for the night to go see him" from your W! Don't take that! Every time she does that and you answer... you are pushing your wife out the door. She can't even say that to you. You are not her friend while she is doing this. She has to see you moving away from her and taking that friendship away for your M to have any chance. Please check out my sitch as Wonka suggests. That was the hardest few days of my life and there's no guarantees after. She's asking b/c she wants to get what she wants and still be friends with you. Don't do it. Stand up for you M and tell her she is being disrespectful. She won't like it... you will lose any affection you still get from her (in the short term)... but she will respect you. You don't get love without earning respect.
Eleven-
I am new also and of course can't give you any advice, but I am right where you are. The pain is overwhelming and my H does not speak to me or text me at all since I moved out 14 days ago. It is the longest we have ever not spoken to each other in 26 years.
It sounds to me as if you are doing all the right things. I wish the very best for you.
How do i respond when she asks if it's ok if she goes out? She thinks she's asking incase I have plans because someone needs to be home with our son? Well, that's why I think she's asking. She's going to go anyways, so what do I say?
FWIW... if she doesn't say anything about OM. Confidently say "see you later" and look like you mean it (without a care where she's going) unless it doesn't work with your schedule. If it doesn't, politely say "that doesn't work for me. I have plans." Don't explain your plans and then go enjoy your plans.
In any case... let her know she should let you know her plans to go out a couple days in advance at least b/c you may have plans. Don't let her take your time for granted.
Please remember... I'm still learning and I make monstrous mistakes. This, though, has worked for me. W has to respect your time. Mine does now... let's me know days in advance when she's going out. Tells me where's she's going and with whom (unless I pissed her off first). Volunteers stories about her time out. She may be lying... but I work to show I don't care b/c I have other things to do (like hang with my boy).
Now, if she does say I'm meeting OM or anything about OM ever... look at Wonka's and Sandi2's posts on my thread. There's fantastic scripts there to let her know you will not tolerate her OM and you will not live in an open marriage.
Also, she doesn't specifically say she's going to see him, just if it's ok if she makes plans.
And she lets me know in advance. She doesn't mention him, but when she says she won't be home, it's hard not to assume.
Very little contact today as she was at work. She texted me a few times to ask about house stuff. I don't respond right away, and when I do I keep it short. She asked if I had plans tonight. I didn't, but I said yes and then made some. Also got about 100 pages into DR.
And she's gone again. I only stayed out until about 9:30 because I have to work in the morning. It took about 3 minutes for her to make plans once she saw I was back. She hasn't been in a good mood since getting home. Wanting to start talking about money and division of assets as I'm leaving. Told her I would talk about it another time because i have somewhere to be.
And she's gone again. I only stayed out until about 9:30 because I have to work in the morning. It took about 3 minutes for her to make plans once she saw I was back. She hasn't been in a good mood since getting home. Wanting to start talking about money and division of assets as I'm leaving. Told her I would talk about it another time because i have somewhere to be.
Hi Eleven,
What a tough situation you are facing. You are doing well when many people would have lost it by now.
You did a good job in putting off a talk about division of money and assets tonight. Don't you think it is horrible to bring up this discussion on Thanksgiving? And when you said that you didn't want to discuss it that was good. I'm not sure why you added the part of you having somewhere else to be. I thought you were home for the night, right? Instead, it is probably stronger for you to say that "I'm not going to discuss it right now. Let's schedule a proper time that we can go over this." That way she can't ambush you with an unexpected discussion. You have my best wishes.
I'm home for the night now, she brought it up as i was leaving earlier.
Hi Eleven, I'm sorry for my mis-understanding. Were you ready for a talk with your W about the division of money and assets? How goes your reading of DR?
The reading is going well. Learning a lot. She was super up beat when she called me this morning to ask about bills.
We had already discussed and agreed on money and assets, but I'm sure someone is in her ear and she's second guessing what she's getting out of it.
Found out yesterday that's it's going to be tough to get a mortgage on my own due to our joint debt. She seemed genuinely upset and apologized for the situation. I told her I would be fine and i would figure it out.
Later that evening she was at work and texted me to see if I was ok. I said iwas doing good and left it at that. A few hours later I saw that she called, but I didn't hear my phone.
I've been in LRT mode for a few weeks now. Maybe this is asign of progress, maybe not, but it hasn't gotten worse, so I'm going to keep it up. I feel better lately myself because of my change in attitude and worrying about myself and my son, so if that's the only benefit then I'm still ahead of where I was amonth ago.
Signs of progress do not usually come wrapped the way the LBH thinks it will. It is still early, so I would not have expectations. You can have hope, but don't pin expectations of reconciling on one day of her particular mood/actions.
I can give you a few things to expect. Some may consider this as negative talk, but I see it as preparing you for the reality that will hit. these are just a few random thoughts that come to mind. No particular order, and there are many other things that could be added, but this will start you out.
- She will blame you for all of her unhappiness.
-She will make you out to be the bad guy by rewriting history or whatever she has to do to make herself look justified in having an A and ending the M.
-She will use you for whatever suits her need at that moment.
-She will play on your sympathy, and expect you to feel sorry for her.
-She has a bag of tricks, and will not hesitate in using them in order to accomplish what she wants. Guilt is one of her favorites.
-She will cling to old resentments from the past.
- She will have wide mood swings that are worse than any PMS you've ever witnessed.
-She will do something or say something a little nicer, that will completely throw you off balance.
-She will be deceptive, even when she doesn't have to be.
-She will not be logical. You cannot reason with her.
-She is not the girl you M.
-She does have her head in fantasy clouds. She has a fantasy about OM and their future together.
-She will not hear, nor does she want to listen to anything about working on the M.
-She will not trust your changes to be genuine or to last.
-She may kiss, hug, cuddle, or even have sex with you (depending on the woman), but it does not mean she has had a change of heart, or that it is a good sign of anything.
-She will want to continue some family activities and maintain her position (in name only) as the woman of the family. She does not want to be "replaced", although, she doesn't want you.
-She wants to do things with the family in her time frame and on her conditions, not yours.
-She does not have the best interest of you or her kids at the core of her decisions.
-She will show disrespect for you.
-She is addicted to the thrill of the A.
-She is capable of feeling some guilt, but not in the way you may think she should. She does not feel remorseful for her actions.
-She will probably get worse before getting better.
-She has to experience some kind of loss in order to get out of the fog.
-She cannot be rescued.
-She seems to be insensitive to your pain or the children hurting.
-She must face reality of what she's done.
-She can turn around, but it takes a long time.
I don't have any expectations from her being in a better mood for a little while. Maybe it's just me being in a better place that makes it seem that way. Thank you for taking the time to type out that list. You couldn't be more spot on if you were sitting here watching this happen. You obviously have a great deal of experience in the matter, and I thank you for taking the time to share it.
I don't see it as negative at all. In fact, it's comforting to know how common and predictable it is, as sad as that is.
Sandi,
I second that list of things. It's so close to what I'm seeing with my W. I'm just praying that 'loss' will come soon...
Eleven,
You seem to be doing really good. I need to follow your lead. I thought I was able to check out emotionally, but the Holidays are starting to get to me.
In fact, it's comforting to know how common and predictable it is, as sad as that is.
It is like a disease. The patients may not be identical but the symptoms of the disease are similar.
Hi eleven,
Sorry to find you here.
Sandi asked a few questions, maybe go back and see if you can answer those?
I have one--why are you already selling the house and going through finances and all that? How did that come about and is it what YOU want?
As for the W going out, supposedly to see OM, one of the first things you can do is make sure YOU are going out and let her wonder about where you are and what you're doing.
Maybe when she gets home, you're not there.
As for her asking "If you mind if she goes out". Do you KNOW that she's going to see OM? Did she used to go out a lot in the past? Is she getting home in the middle of the night/morning?
Is this a new thing since OM came on the scene?
I think it was Starsky who had some serious boundaries with that.
Something like:
He locked the doors and turned off all the lights after a certain hour.
You don't have to give your "okay". IS that in accordance with your personal values?
When she asks, you can simply say: "You are an adult. You don't need my permission to make your choices."
And then shut it down and walk away.
Be sound asleep or out when she gets home. Be happy in the morning and make yourself a great breakfast. Be upbeat, as if you had a party at your house in her absence and you're thinking about how much fun you had all the next day.
Once you can start changing your attitude, she will notice. Don't expect anything to be different, except for her to wonder what's up with you and why you aren't acting like she expects you to.
Hang in there, eleven. It takes work to do this DBing. And lots of practice.
---(G)GGG
Selling the house was probably a mistake on my part, but it all happened right after I found out and wasn't making the best choices. I'll have to live with that, it's just a house.
I have been going out as well. She always asks where I'm going. I never ask her. I don't know anything for sure, but she doesn't really hide where she is going. I think she just assumes I know. Some nights she doesn't even come home. This is all new behavior since the OM came on the scene.
I'm going to use the line about being an adult and making your own decisions, Even though it feels like she's acting like a teenager.
Again, thanks for all the input. The support means a lot.
Sold sign went up today. Kind of down about that. Haven't really seen her in a few days because of work and the fact that she's always gone. I purposely haven't wanted any info on who the OM is, because it doesn't matter, and it will just make me think about it more. But, someone told me who is girlfriend is and it turns out I went to high school with her. I don't really know her, but I've been tempted to talk to her to get her side of the story. I'm not going to, I know that doesn't help. It just hard not to think about. Plus I'm worried if it ends up being worse than what I think. Just venting, not one of my better days.
I know how you're feeling. When I found out my WAS was "sleeping with" someone -- meaning he wouldn't admit to an R but I'm not an idiot and I suspect he had a PA with her before we split, too --, it turns out I know her husband. An acquaintance only, but still. They're D-ing and things are pretty bitter on his (the husband's) end.
I was SO tempted to reach out to him but decided to keep to my own sandbox and see what plays out.
Instead, I'll settle for praying for their marriage and asking God to reconcile their commitment to each other.
Thanks, that's what I'm thinking. Keep my head down and keep moving forward. There is very little, if anything, that could make me feel any better by reaching out to her. And probably a whole lot that can make me feel worse.
She's in a better mood the last couple days. I'm sure it is because she's relieved the house is sold. Definitely makes it easier to be upbeat, but I wonder if it's more effective to show that I'm happy when she's being less than co-operative. Either way, ijust keep smiling and doing my own thing.
Last night I told her I have plans Friday for a friend's birthday. Her response was that'll be fun maybe you'll get laid you should take some condoms. She was joking around and laughing like she actually wants that to happen. It was pretty upsetting. I got pretty quiet and had to bite my tongue. She could se that I was upset and apologized. I just told her that it was disprepectful to treat it like no big deal and I didn't appreciate it. I wanted to blow up, but didn't.
She wants you to get laid to take away some guilt, mine said a similar thing to me, its quite common
That's what i figured. It's just the way she was so nonchalant about it that was killing me. I have an idea of what to expect, and an idea of how to handle it. It's getting easier, and my discipline is getting better
You need to detach mate, I know it's hard and killing you, and be careful what you say, don't loose you're temper they remember everything and will keep bringing it up, she will try pushing buttons to make you angry.
Best thing you can do at this stage is just ignore it and do you're own thing, do things to make YOU happy
I'm careful with what i say. Ido ignore what she says and does, and I do things that make me happy. I can tell when she's trying to start a fight because she wants me to get upset, and I just let it roll of my back. It's not easy, but I'm doing a lot better than before
You're doing good eleven keep doing what you are doing, I remember my W at the same stage, one night she had this massive rant over nothing, I let her finish then looked her in the eyes and said I'm ordering takeaway pizza would you like some and just walked away
Just ranting, but my wife just started putting up the Christmas tree and listening to Christmas music. First song: oh come all ye faithful. Seriously, I couldn't make this up.
Fantasy land mate nothing you can say will change anything, only you're actions over time
Been sticking to the plan. No changes, but no expectations either. Probably haven't spent more than a couple hours at home at the same time all weekend. It's getting alittle easier to react without emotion, but she tries. Oh how she tries.
yeah its not what she was expecting thats good from my experience,i would buy some new clothes let her see you wearing them and do a disappearing act even if you just go for a drive somewhere that will make her think
New clothes - check
New cologne - check
fresh haircut - check
disappearing act - check
change the time you get in from work if you always walk through the door at say 5pm then sometimes walk in at 6pm become mysterious and unpredictable and tell her nothing unless she asks then be vague with your explanation
These things worked for me but I'm no veteran here
That is good advice, Paul.
Just ranting, but my wife just started putting up the Christmas tree and listening to Christmas music. First song: oh come all ye faithful. Seriously, I couldn't make this up.
Whereas you may notice every little word and action that makes you think of the stitch, she doesn't. Her head is in the foggy clouds of her fantasy. She may be able to go to church, look pious, and sing religious songs.......all while thinking about OM. So don't be shocked that that particular song bothered her.
I'm not shocked at all. I'm sure she didn't even notice. I just found it humorous that that was the first song. And yes, I realize that I'm hypersensitive to everything I see and hear. No sad songs for this guy.
No sad songs for this guy.
That's the spirit!
Saw her mom for the first time today. That was tough. Her mom loves me, but obviously wants her daughter to be happy. She said i just need to worry about me because I can't control how other people feel. It's funny how she said she was shocked when she heard. My W said her mom wasn't surprised and saw it coming.
Her mom did say my W was unhappy and mentioned leaving me before, but that was during a fight over something.
I didn't expect any answers out of the conversation, and i kept it short.
Best to keep things friendly with her family but I would steer clear of R talk if you can
Eleven,
My W said 'everyone' knew our marriage was on the rocks. Well, I haven't found any of those people. Most said that anything W complained about I resolved on my side. Anyway, same thing here, her family was as shocked as anyone MIL actually was trying to tell me that W needed to be committed the first couple days.
Yeah, Xmas songs are tough. That dang 'All I want for Christmas is You' song was pretty much on repeat when I was at the mall over the weekend. Ugh, so much for a GAL activity
Ya, her sister who apparently wasn't suprised, and saw it coming, called me the day she found out. Needed to know where her sister was because she thought something was wrong and Needed to track her down because she worried about her.
I'm starting to see a pattern.....
Nothing has changed. She still gets upset, istill keep my cool. I go and do things for me, and most of the time she doesn't care, but I can tell it bugs her. I don't really know. It's hard because I feel like she's getting further and further away.
She got an apartment. She moves out in the middle of January. Been a little tougher the last couple days. I've slipped and made a few comments i shouldn't have. I don't have much hope right now, but I'll get back on track.
Hey 11,
Don't beat yourself up over a few slips, there isn't one thing we do that will make or break the sitch.
The moving out part is tough, very tough, hurts like h3ll, I'm sorry.
What are your plans for the holidays? This will be tough (I had 3 holiday seasons from h3ll with my in-house MLC stbxw). I'd like you to find some things for just yourself, even if just a few minutes, some things just for YOU.
Focus on your kid and try to not let her and her plans/words/actions ruin YOUR holidays.
Show her a kind, strong man who puts his child's enjoyment of the season ahead of her choices in his mind, and ACTIONS.
Hang in there!
Elven,
First of all, sorry you're here.
Second. I hope your screen name here comes from the film "This is Spinal Tap". Indeed, I hope your life and success goes to "ELEVEN" ;-)
Your house is being sold. How did that come about?
What about custody of your child? Have you talked to a lawyer? What do YOU want if this thing goes south?
The only danger I see here is your wife is moving full-on into a divorce while you are sticking your head in the hand, measuring her mood every minute. practicing the LRT, 180's and GAL just to get her attention.
This all means she is acting like the center of the universe and you are acting like one small little asteroid in her orbit. Not so, my friend. You are MONSTER sized planet with your own gravitational pull. Better yet, start showing some gravitas. WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Another analogy. She is treating you like a footnote in her story and you are accepting that role while desperately trying to get your wife to change her mind and write you a bigger part in HER story. What about your own freaking story, man? WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Another analogy. Your wife is a ruthless, vengeful goddess who doesn't give a d*mn about you or your children and you are the temple priest desperately trying to appease her and prevent her from blowing her top in a volcanic eruption that destroys all living things. NO WAY! You are powerful, prophetic, righteous and DANGEROUS mystery man who no one f*cks with. WHAT DO YOU WANT?
She is a Ninja trying to creep up on you and assassinate you. Little does she know you are proud, noble and lethal Samurai. She's about to get her comeuppance.
I think she needs to get a sense that she's really losing you, because, whether you admit it or not, she is. She is losing the father of her child and the husband who always loved her. You, my friend, are moving on. You are ready to live a great life without her. Once you start acting on that truth (and not play-acting to get her attention) things might shift.
So, no more being friendly and nice. She's acting like a flaming piece of turd. She's not just in a fog. She's morally compromised. If she turns around and walks back into the marriage, posterity will say she's a decent person. The current evidence suggests she's not. Start acting like she's a flaming piece of turd until she gives evidence of the contrary.
Start planning you own life and that of your child, in light of the steps she's taken to destroy your family.
Protect yourself and your son.
Lay down healthy boundaries.
Get angry. Sometimes, this is necessary to wake up a little and see more clearly.
You can still save your marriage, but you won't do it by trying to save your marriage. Save yourself. Save your child. Act justly towards yourself and your child.
--Theoden
^^^^^^^^^^^^THANK YOU FOR THIS THEODEN!^^^^^^^^^^^^
Wow, thank you. Yes, she is moving full on. I wish she wasn't, but I can't control that. I Am making my own plans for the future as well. I just bought a new house in the same area so my son can go to the same school. She hasn't even really been a part of any future plans of mine with the exception of our son.
We havent seen a lawyer, but we do have a separation agreement stating 50/50 custody. If she turned around today and said she wanted to come back...I probably wouldn't say yes.
If she turned around today and said she wanted to come back...I probably wouldn't say yes.
Imo, you are on the right track, because if she came home too soon, before she had done her own work, the odds of her leaving again are very high. And the second leaving is harder than the first since everyone's (especially kid's) hopes are all up.
I am in my divorce's 20 day waiting period, and even if I still was standing, I wouldn't take stbxw back. She hasn't begun to do her work. And, the peace, stability and happiness in my house and with the kids has been amazing for all of us. The kids are doing awesomely (finally) in school, we laugh so much more, etc.
Ain't NO WAY I am going to muck that up.
This full time solo Dad gig suits me well, finally get to be the Dad I always wanted to be (one of those looking back and saying "what the heck took me so long, and why did I allow her to keep me from that?" things).
Keep going, and happy holidays!
Théoden, congrats on the best pep talk of the day. I am copying this!!!
That's OK. My WAW like to play 'Stand by Your Man'. I almost choked the first time I heard it.
Eleven,
Sounds like you are taking very good steps to protect you and your son.
50/50 custody is solid. Well-done.
See a lawyer for your own peace of mind. Make sure he/she protects your interests, but don't let them drag you in a battle. If your separation plan is good for you, make sure that sticks for the divorce.
Worst-case scenario: you desperately cling to your wife and lose custody of your son. You just avoided that. Thank goodness!!!
Best-case scenario 1: you live a great life, move forward in separation/divorce, love your son well, and get you mojo on. Your soon to be ex-wife notices, has a change of heart, experiences deep remorse and does the real work, which opens the door for reconciliation. Your marriage is back together. Bravo!
Best-case scenario 2: you live a great life, move forward in separation/divorce, love your son well, and get you mojo on. Your ex-wife doesn't care and moves on with OM #1, OM #2, etc. You have just dodged a bullet. Your flaming turd of a wife is now someone else's problem. You fill your life with people worthy of your time, who are loving and loyal. Your son has at least one sane parent, and you will find love again. Bravo!
Same action plan for both best-case scenarios. The only thing, I think, that can re-attract your wife is the sense that she's losing you and that she's close to crossing a line of no-return.
Pleading, begging, being nice will only solidify her sense of disdain for you and her entitlement. You don't have to be superman and super-husband (the husband only a fool would leave) to re-attract your wife. You just need to show some spine and resolve. If that doesn't work, then good riddance.
--Theoden