Previous Thread Either I'm typing a lot (probably) or these threads are getting shorter before they lock (probably not). Part 4 of this journey - see the link above for the previous thread.
So was S's birthday yesterday. Had the day off work and had to deal with a load of moving issues first thing which was just as well as he was at MIL's opening his presents from W and others (not me). Met up at the park with W, S and a friend of his and he opened his presents from me (flat is in a state as its being packed up so even if W had been happy with him coming here probably wouldn't have done that) W surprised me by saying it was ok if I came along last night to get Pizza with S and his friends (and their mums) wasn't an overwhelming invitation but its time with S on his birthday I'll take it.
W went off to MILs and S and I went out for a couple of hours, we had our own birthday lunch and a mooch around the shops, S called my dad to say thanks for his present and then I took him back to MIL's so they could see him before his evening out.
Later met up at the restaurant for Pizza and a good time was had by the kids and the parents. W was chatting with them, I deliberately did not focus on W but tried my best to mingle when I wasn't talking to S or helping with the kids which is a 180 for me as I would have fixated on her and excluded everyone else unless necessary.
Was a little upset as W told me FIL hadn't been well in the afternoon so they hadn't really done anything with S, I think he built his lego which is good but if W had told me that I could have had him longer in the day, but I let it go - I went to the evening with S which was worth more than the argument would get me.
Back to the flat for about 8 which felt its usual empty / chaotic / oppressive and, at the moment, flipping freezing self. We're having almost constant cloud and rain here right now which brings me down at the best of times, right now it's just one more weight pressing in on me. Will be glad to get away from it in a lot of ways but it still feels like the costs involved in all this (over £300 just for removals) and W's commitment to year-long utility contracts moving in here means this is an end - maybe not the end but something making it all that little bit harder to come back from.
Part of me has started to wonder is that best and should I just move on to someone else but I think that's just my loneliness crying out for another person to share life with and be near on cold nights and not connected to me not loving W, a sure recipe for a disaster in any future relationship!
So today back to work, need to tie down some more moving issues then go out this evening for more packing boxes, only 10 days to removals men! Arghhh.
More packing / splitting stuff today. Was doing ok sorted out the order for the new internet access and working on things ready but then found not only a huge stash of christmas and birthday cards that had been saved (by me) and had a christmas card in which W had written "you are the best present I have or could ever get" plus all our first emails printed out.
Finding it hard to bounce back from that. Packed it away and resisted any urge to look at the others.
Before that W had been texting me again telling me what S has been buying with his birthday money and joking. Wasnt going to bite and then start texting to be told I'm texting or emailing too much. Have only replied to let her know information on the insurance policy she needs to take over for this flat and some details on utilities etc.
Feel lousy now. Driving myself nuts wondering how we got from the day she wrote that to today where I'm alone and just hoping she returns while trying to make a goal in my life to detach from a woman I've loved for 15 years. Wow what a great place my life has got to.
Tired, low and feeling it's all utterly pointless tonight.
So some valuable lessons there I would guess.
1) don't torture yourself with old cards
2) when you text, respond only (if at all) and on the same topic. Don't bring up move and D stuff unless you have to.
Mate, I get how you feel maybe not exactly but I'd guess pretty darn close. But you'll be fine just go easy on yourself. There's enough rubbish to contend with without you beating yourself up. One of my mates would at this point tell me to stop wallowing in my own crepulance.
Its not pointless anyway:
- you have 15 ish years of good memories
- you've learnt what it is to love. Some people never know true love.
- your going to use the experience to make yourself better
- you have S10 and you can be the good male role model for him that he needs (my lack of one of those screwed me up)
- you've got years ahead to build a better life
- once you move you won't gave to deal with MIL and you can have a proper man cave if that's what you want.
And if it were pointless the answer would be central African republic (ed: obscure UK TV reference)
Hi Jim
I knew it was a mistake to look as I did it, just of late she'd only written happy christmas or whatever, I had to open the ones that she'd written this in.
Love your pointless comment, thanks.
Always grateful for S, moving is something W is looking forward to much more than me. Im doing it from necessity (your comment on MIL is true though). None of it is appealing to me and whilst once I'd have loved to build my projector system or a game room or get a synth recording area set up, none of it appeals now and I'd rather do without all those things if I could have my family back, just not an option though.
Suppose beating myself up is a side effect of the whole changing yourself thing, since its only you you can change then its only you you can blame. Definitely not the right thing to think but I do find myself slipping into it.
Also with W and S's birthdays out of the way I'm next and all I have to look forward to is a visit from virgin broadband installers on my birthday, no one will be taking me to dinner or making me a birthday breakfast and when thats done its christmas which, right now, I'm trying to figure out how to get through with my sanity in place.
Well will head for bed shortly which will upset the cat as she just realised her evenings ambition to curl up alongside me (has to be full length alongside me on the sofa not on me, next to me, on me, nearby, no...has to be full length in parallel or she's not reaching ultimate purring happiness)
Ah well, at least someone in the place is happy I suppose :P
She knows what she wants and takes responsibility for her own happiness.
We really can learn from cats...
Ha! yes, you're not wrong there.
Both of the cats had me up before 7 since they decided it was breakfast time now! Slightly worried about one of them since she's technically W's cat and is staying here when W returns. Thing is cat is 17 years old and has some issues recognises the litter tray over say, the carpet 4 times a day. Now muggins just vaxes the floor, last time I was away for a few days and cat did this I came back to dabbed up sections where W had used a towel (and put it in detol to soak afterwards) leaving the vax for her (W not cat) but I wonder how long W will put up with properly cleaning the floor 3 times a day before the cat ends up being fed on the balcony and living outdoors!
Hi guys looking for advice today.
As you know I'll be finishing up packing and moving soon (joy - not) and I've been separating out tech' and trying to be fair in leaving W any tech' I don't need to make sure she and S have music, a games console, split the music etc.
I have found and got out of storage her music system (the cd doesn't work but I'm also leaving her a freeview dvd recorder which can play cd's etc.) she's also having sky hd (satelite tv for those in the US) installed early in December.
My question is that she's always left cabling and connectivity to me and I know if I don't wire up the stereo etc she'll get her dad to do it who, to my knowledge, hasn't successfully finished any job he's started since 2008. Since S will be here and would like to have music etc do I help them out or is it best W finds what life is like without me doing such things?
Torn since I don't want S to have nothing to enjoy here, he will of course get to use all my systems when he comes round but I don't want to be seen to be using him to say look its great here but unpleasant [changed for censor] with your mum. Likewise W insists she hasnt decided to go for good yet but just wants space to sit and think without everyone (read MIL) telling her what to do and when and to do it with whom.
Any advice? I don't want to be a doormat but I'd like to avoid being a prat just because I'm feeling abandoned, hurt and unwanted.
I'm not great at that doormat / petty obstructive line. But in this case I'd say leave it for her to do.
W's new bed got delivered today, crammed that in and around all the boxes and disruption Im living with at the moment. She texted me yesterday morning to ask was the time ok which it was as Im working from home in a vain attempt to have time to finish organising the other 200 things I need to do before next week. Then had radio silence until last night when she asked was I taking S to his card event this week (he didn't go last time as it was a fireworks / Halloween party). Happy to do it even if, as Ive said its a 20 minute drive, a 3 hour wait and a 20 minute drive really (probably why I get to do it) its time with S though so I jump at it.
Other than that had an email thanking me for the info I supplied on utilities and updates on broadband etc (they write to me as the current occupier checking Im not having my service stolen or maliciously cut off) and I gave her some info she asked me for on Sky Satellite boxes. Also told her I'd been through all the filing cabinet and pedestal documents and split those up and put her details in the filing cabinet thats being left, mentioned some mementos and letters she'd written to me and that I hadn't thrown them away just put them in a box and can hopefully get them out later, hoped it would be an allegory for the future. Probably too sappy but at this point in time thought nuts to it, if she hasnt seen Im getting on with things after all this work, sorting myself, getting another car, splitting up everything, finding a new place and being on the brink of moving (when she has made a few calls, got the DSS to agree to housing benefit and ordered, well, a bed and not much else) then DB isnt going to phase her at this point.
May work when she's away from Emperor Palpatine herself may not I've been dreading this move and still am to an extent but when its all done and this blasted season of forced family merriment is over hopefully I can settle, get a new sofa in the new year (Ive got one with a busted spring and no money to replace it) and just spend time with S and relax.
Now I wonder whats going to happen next to wreck that idea...
Are you able to get your S earlier or spend some time with him after the event?
Hi Jim
Sadly no, need to finish work and then pick him up and get there and it doesnt finish until 9-10 (which is late for a 10 year old) and since he cant come back to me (penultimate week that applies) due to the state of the flat and his likely being upset I'm a bit sandwiched sadly
He can help me get some bits at the weekend possibly with an Ikea visit which will doubtless lead to meatballs and or hot dogs!
Ahhhh IKEA hotdogs - the food of champions...
Well hopefully you can have some quality time with your S at the weekend. I genuinely think you will feel better when you've moved - you won't have the constant reminders, the packing chaos and it will be your space.
Well I'll have a lot of positive distractions such as getting furniture arranged the way I want it and getting my servers and tech' in and working the way I want it, should keep me busy for a while anyway. That plus having S over to stay (which I'm reaaaaalllyyy looking forward to - and need to get a bed sorted for as his current one is staying here) should cast be a positive mood over me, as much as it can when I do have to have some Christmas decorations in and up (for S not for me - he can help me pick new ones and put them up as I couldn't bear to have the ones we've all put up together around me while I was by myself)
W just called me to let me know about a few things (phisio etc which I wont go into here) and to chat over her BB access and delivery etc. She went quiet at a few places on the call and rang off after saying a very soft goodbye at the end. She seems to be getting upset during our conversations at times and I know I'm not raising our M at those points, she seems to be definitely fighting a duality on the whole thing but best I dont get into mind reading, maybe just me looking for potentially false hope again.
Anyhoo enough for now..
And then her broadband kit welcome pack turns up in her maiden name. Could be bank related but pinged her to say it was here. Done with emailing, texting and worrying about it (yeah, right) today.
Ah, nuts.
W just called to say wasnt anything except she couldnt get a discount offer if it was the same name at the same address after a long phone call this was the way they managed to do it. I thanked her for calling me that she didnt need to explain herself but I thanked her and that her telling me was very kind.
Again, I'm not going to necessarilly read anything into it except she chose to at least take the time to call about it, thats something.
Its mind reading on my part but I get the sense that you might be getting to an exasperated emotional place of
'Oh come on!!! What now.....?'
You'll be fine and your new place will be so much less stress
Getting to?!??!
I have just - literally - turned my phone off to stop me texting that link to W, some of the descriptions are her and her mother to a tee.
Yeah definitely don't do that.
Definitely, got into the habit of putting the phone away and not texting or emailing "from the hip". Still find it difficult to not just talk or text or just email her but better than I was..
Another cold one this morning, miss W on these mornings waking up alone. Last night forced myself to put the water on (for a while anyway
) and had a hot bath with some classical music on in the bedroom. Got myself to bed (turned the water off at this point - naturally) and watched some TV (still cant get off to sleep without tv or at least some noise at the moment) had planned ahead for the coffee machine to be on timer ready for getting up this morning.
Jim was right yesterday operating on a bit of a knife edge of "oh what now?!?!?" with W right now, her behaviour of running "hot/cold/texting/emailing/ignoring/running" is the core of it but the stress of work and moving isn't helping, especially doing most of it alone.
I thought about things generally last night in the bath which I made myself relax in, I don't believe there's someone else in the wings for W, she's been very forthright that at the moment apart from S she doesn't really want anyone else around her if possible - that's consistent with what she says she wants (space - to not be controlled and make her own decisions) so she needs that to happen and I suspect so do I, I need to not feel compelled to do things on a daily basis just because W (or anyone who's not paying work) wants it.
If S needs something that's fine but otherwise doing things for others should be because I want to, it will make them happier or a combination.
I've a lot of work to do on this, think I love W so much (and indeed generally being married) I became 'programmed' to do anything *I thought* W wanted in order to keep her to stay (in my head - well that worked out well), meantime I've started planning out how the house will be, not only with the typical role for me of tech' but also how I want S's room to be laid out initially so he feels he has his own space that's his, secure, comfortable and fun (and in my design it will be more appropriate for his age, starting with a - partially restricted - media playback PC which can access restricted levels of our local content and stream youtube age appropriate video, it wont have a web browser and will be set to be unavailable at core bedtimes) and how I want to lay things out to be warm and welcoming generally.
I really want someone to join me at some point, there or (heaven help me) moving somewhere else together - I genuinely want that to be W - but if she decides that what she wants is a second run at her "twenties" alone then that's her choice and she should decide, personally I don't want that life again, thanks.
I suppose I also worry that S is getting older and will in the next few years start to chose his friends (and possibly significant others if his friends are to be believed) over us. I'm fine with that and, providing he's safe and respects others, would always support him having his life over what I tell him to do. W doesnt seem to think that way and I do worry that when it happens she'll find herself very isolated but ultimately if thats her choice I suppose I have to see if theres someone else out there daft enough to take me on. I need to know theres no future with W and that I can be ok just being me first though.
Last weekend when we did actually talk I pointed out that my counselling had told me that only I can be responsible for being happy and its the same for her, I told her I realised she blamed me for a lot of things she hadn't done but I never stopped her doing those she did, I was responsible for not taking part, withdrawing from the family and life and also over pursuing her as I was co-dependent and that her constant rejection of me as pursuer pushed me deeper into that cycle and ultimately my relationship with S was damaged by that frustration coming out in my dealings - or avoiding dealing - with him. That's all done, has to be. However as I said to her these are just words, I hope she wants to work on a future together regardless I will continue building my relationship with S and hopefully someday someone will share my life again - I hope with W but that's not *just* my choice - but this time in a more healthy relationship than we had before W left.
Doubtless this will all change today and this is my morning meanderings, S's card event tonight. On with work for the day.
That sounds healthier.
Something I read elsewhere (I think it was maybell thread) was about letting go of the expectation about their behaviour. In your case if you shift your mindset from 'what now' to 'this is difficult for her as there is a lot going on' does that make any difference to how you feel about the knife edge?
I think the knife edge is cumulative of everything work, moving and the relationship stress. I also very much feel shes conflicted in what she wants as well as feeling it's an end with me moving out. I did try to think of it another way as I'm trail blazing and shes phasing from her mothers to here and maybe then on again. Ultimately Im trying to get to a point where I dont feel empty and lost without her, some days it works some it doesnt.
At least (unless theres a significant issue - which there always is) in 2 weeks I should be in with my broadband in and starting to sort the place as I want it. Still having wobbles on whether its the right place and even found myself worrying the second parking space is too tight if W comes along, really, thats not a worry I need to be having right now but its that kind of minitua that creeps in and builds up!
Busy weekend again.
Friday night W came round with S in tow ready for his card event (running early so I had to quickly get ready as she had the key for the garage locker her dads stuff is in - including the ladders I need to get in the loft) had to divert and grab a sandwhich on the way as I hadnt eaten S attended his event and enjoyed it and had him back before 10.
Saturday met up with W before picking S up from tennis. Usual coffee and toast. Didnt feel like I had the energy to dig into R and she wasnt going there so just discussed what was happening with the move, her requirements etc. We did brush by it though. She sends me confused messages but steadfastly refuses to admit anything has changed since July. She did start in my opinion to try to set rules on S staying over which I shut down right away, I agreed that we want him to settle and at first I imagine he'll stay friday/saturday nights after his card event then on sunday morning come swimming with me before heading back. I know this is W trying to come up with another reason for keeping him 24/7 now the flat wont "upset" him and while I cant say I dont see him I want him to not feel like he's shuttling back and forth. However I pointed out to W this is part of this way of living and will be the way it is until he decides where he wants to be in teenage years (unless of course she chooses to work on the R with me). Again she shut down at this point - she cant/wont process that her decision is less than great for S as, of course, it's all my doing.
Anyway, took S furniture browsing to get an idea on what he'd like in his room as its my plan to do that next sunday / monday since I wont have any internet access - arghh - until tuesday at the earliest. We also had lunch and a browse in the shops but he was getting tired after a late night friday and an early start saturday so took him back to MIL before I did my food shopping. S did start talking to me again about problems at MIL and that he's not happy with the way his mum is following MILs demands - stopped him to say I was very much out to support him and help but, since W has told me repeatedly he's being dramatic about this, he needs to wait until he has her to himself and explain how HE feels and what HE's not happy with to her directly which he hasn't done yet. W is currently doing a superb job of setting up a bad relationship with S (take it from the expert here) but she wont acknowledge anything she's doing is anything but "for the best" problem is only she and her mum think that, the rest of us are just being dragged along in the wake of it all really.
Yesterday ran some errands and chores then W came around - with S in tow and they both came in, this was so she could drop off carpet cleaner that I can use before I go for both our sakes thanks to the cat thats staying (oh will she enjoy having to deal with that herself - muggins has handled all the less pleasant chores for 15 years, time for her to enjoy).
Since S was only in the living room for a short while this apparently doesn't "upset him" - sigh - but I got to see him so I'm not arguing here. He had a quick play with the game console, W was pressuring me in the kitchen to leave the console and said I was being funny taking it. Pointed out its my bluRay and has my account on it, also pointed out nothing is fixed in stone and Im just trying to get this move packing and everything else sorted out, we can always move things back. Anyway right now she doesn't have a TV anyway! She said all his favourite things will be with me. Well most of his room is staying, yes the technology will be with me as W wouldn't have the first idea how to deal with it (I've encouraged her to take courses on tech but she says they'd be boring) she's right he loves technology computers and games but I can't help it if its her choice to split the family in half, tried to resist going down the route of telling her if you don't like it don't do it but she was still sulky the time she was here and pushed S into finishing up his game (which he admittedly shouldn't even really have been playing).
W was again asking about TV's and technology and asked if she asked for help would I help set up her music and TV etc. Said really I shouldnt get involved in that because she wants to do things herself, she again said but if she asked would I and I could always tell her no in no uncertain terms. Thought this was such a loaded question left it with a lets see kind of answer. I've told her after she makes her decision then friends isnt an option, we can be married or co-parent. They're the only options I can handle going forward for the foreseeable future. I cant be her buddy and not be with her, thats her cake eating fallback plan and I cant do it. Told her for now we're on the 3rd option at the moment - married but not together but if nothing happens before June we will review the situation (our anniversary and my mental line in the sand - after that if she doesnt know "what she wants" by then - in her words, then I dont believe she will and this is a holding pattern) she told me back in august this was all a good thing and she thought she'd probably move somewhere and hate it and want to be all together, didnt believe that then, certainly dont know with her taking on year contracts for satellite tv and phones, but by the new year reality will be evident. She wont be at her mums (admittedly paying towards food etc) she'll be paying utilities, credit cards (I did indeed stop the direct debits for all but the catalogue payment which is for a coffee table Im now unexpectedly taking anyway - I asked her to get a settlement quote on that to stop anything else being added "accidently"), fuel, car (V5 signed and ready for her in her desk pedestal ready for next months road tax and MOT) as well as all the other costs. I ran all my numbers in a spreadsheet and online banking and can barely scrape by (literally about £100 over the outgoings predicted) so I have no idea how she will cope (I know she wont have done anything bar scribbled down some numbers on a pad that are probably unrealistic and dont include things like spending money for S - she'll then spend it and wonder why she has run out of money) S will be ok as he can come to me if he needs to but I wont cross support W if this goes pear shaped - her M can step in if thats what W wants - I'm there the door is open and the road smooth, there will be a warm comfortable home awaiting if she's prepared to work with me but if she isnt I have a lot of building to do next year anyway.
I know W's job is precarious because of her health, I also know she's been saving (mostly the money I've been supplying for S of course but also her wages) but with paying out for TV's, satellite and now pushing for a PS3 so he'll have one to set up "in the den" (his old room) when his friends come over (not sure where a second TV is coming from in this but she doesnt appear to have got that far). A lot of her plans seem to be either thought out and puzzle pieces are missing as she hasnt told me or they're pie in the sky and based on the sort of something from nothing building I used to do to make media systems out of old junk machines, TV's out of old monitors. I wont be doing that for her at the flat so as she said she'll have to get used to doing things like other people, problem is she hasnt worked out the costs of that.
Meantime S seems tired from trying to please everyone, told him he doesnt need to do that for me, just be happy and relax and tell me if I can help and make sure he's honest and tells his M what he thinks as well. Even he, at 10, said its pointless talking to grandma and grandpa as they just do what they want and everyone "has to follow their tune". That didn't come from me as I make it a point to never, ever diss his Mum or MIL/FIL in front of him, from the mouths of babes really...
Oh and the one thing that made me a little happy and sad on the inside, while we were driving he said MIL wasnt home "as in take you home to your mum" its just Grandmas.
He said home will be the house or the flat but he'd rather be with me there since back at the flat its cold and I wont be there, his mum is making him unhappy with all this (which upset me), he said he though having two houses was just stupid and he'd rather we were all together but if he had to be somewhere he'd rather be with me until his mum decides what she wants to do and has sorted things out.
Again, probably trying to make me happy and I said it will be ok and both his homes will be nice and his mum and I will both take care of him. I'd rather he wasnt upset at all, what I didnt say was I'd rather his mother wasnt forcing this on both of us, but it was nice to hear that he's gone from wondering if I love him (apparently what he said to FIL last year - go waaaay back to my first thread for that) to this.
I imagine its along the lines of him being happy with the new me and not wanting to lose it that he's saying it but I love the fact he's happy with me. Of course for his sake and, to a lesser degree, his mums I will play the grown up and not take advantage. As my W always said I was always the grown up in the marriage.
Knew I'd forget something.
One thing W said when we were talking yesterday (S was in the room) and she was raising issues about R and I said about co-parenting but we were on the "third option" at the moment.
I said she didn't seem very happy (she always looks good to me but she looked bl00dy miserable yesterday) especially as she'll be moving in inside a week and getting everything she's asked for (as in me quickly moving, she has the car, she has the money she asked me to set up, she gets to move back to the flat and out of her mums - all inside 4 months) she said she was being "diplomatic" asked her what she meant. She went quiet but when S went to the loo she said she didn't think it was nice to be excited in front of me at me going. Calmly, quietly pointed out this isn't what I want, moving or not moving its what I have to do to move on but not what I want, it's all what she wants and her being excited about moving in wont make a difference to that or how I feel.
Thought it was important to again remind her, this is what she wants has asked (repeatedly) for, that my plan was to go on holiday in Dec not move (there are good reasons for it connected to S but more of that in a mo) and that what I want is for her and S to be away from her mother so she can decide what she wants to do and we can all move on.
Again she went quiet.
She constantly says nothing has changed since July but in that time I've heard 4 versions of what this is about, unless she's the best at subterfuge ever there's no EA or PA involved (she has a small informant with her all day every day) the original reason for her going was understandable and I know things just bounce back but while she has been consistent in saying she wants space and time to think and not be pushed nothing else has really been clear, but I acknowledge it doesn't have to be she just needs to decide what she wants.
forum won't let me edit. above it should say things cant just bounce back...
also lost the last line that meantime I need to get on building a new home for me and s and she can join if she chooses. no intention of forcing her to decide now but I also wont be strung along indefinitely. no guarantee any one would want me but I want to be happy too and if that means someone other than w next year that may be the case.
W and S were over again today to grab some files from the server before I shut it all down in the next couple of days to move it. Also discussed a few bits and pieces.
W and S are both going to go out with me for dinner on my birthday which makes me feel a lot happier about it, we were talking in the kitchen and I asked W straight out is she being open with me about what she needs to do, does she need to think or is she just looking for a peaceful exit from me.
She thought about that for a little while and said that what she said is true, she needs space, she needs to be away from MIL to allow her the room to think and make her own mind up, I told her thanks and that I understand, she denies she wants me to just go so she can move on - she is truly undecided on the future at the moment apart from stability for S. That's fine I want her to work out who she wants to be and how she wants to go forward, I also want her to get away from MIL so she can start the journey I've been on for nearly 4 months instead of being questioned hourly (apparently MIL asks her where she's been and who she's seen every evening, there's no way I'd stand for that from my dad but then I wouldn't allow him to control me either).
We discussed technical issues / TV's etc further, I said that I'm happy to tell her technical opinion but it's up to her what she wants to get, I said I dont feel comfortable just putting things in place for her on a technical front as I would have done if we were together. However if something needs setting up for S she can let me know and I'll help where I can. She's now ordered a set which is coming wednesday and I'll set aside for her to unpack when she comes in.
It felt positive anyway. Of course I'd have loved her to say no, wait I'm coming with you.....but then that's not on the cards in reality is it?
House insurance is now in place for the end of the week so I can get things moved in as soon as I get the keys. Tomorrow will try and get a jump on getting the deposit and rent paid in advance so thursday I just need to sign and get the keys.
Just leaves boxing, emptying the loft and finishing going through the garage (ha! just!)
The whole situation about MIL always sounds crackers when I read it but then my W always does what SIL says no matter how terrible a plan it is.
Sounds like your nearly sorted for the move though so that's good.
Hi Jim
nope doesnt sound crackers, its totally loopy. Spoke to W about MIL today and she just said its not worth the effort and she wont change. W isnt prepared to tackle her though so all I can do is simply say ok, you know your mum is controlling you, treating you as a child instead of the intelligent woman you are, you know shes irrational (and theres a whole lot else I havent posted here) but I cant make you be the adult in the relationship and take control or walk away so I'll be here for you and our son but I wont deal with her under these circumstances.
Right? Oh, who knows. Been trying to get a grip on dealing with MIL for over 15 years (wasnt MIL then of course) we were fine at first but I think I became the opposition when I argued with her christmas 2004 when I put S and W over what she wanted me to do for her, she's pushed me aside ever since. She's a controlling person, a manipulator and I dont mind if I never have to see her again, I just hope theres a compromise between that and keeping W and our marriage if W wont stand up to her which I dont believe she'll ever have the nerve to do.
Well coming up on moving day. Had some shinanigins to get the mountain of money needed to be spent in the next couple of days in the right places since there are no savings and a bill this week in the region of £2,700 think we're there on that one but waiting on the grinding gears of money transfers. Oh did I mention that has to be cleared funds so no credit cards. Arghh.
Still have some work to do but I've now reached the point where Im out of space to move things or pack them further until I get some stuff out. Should be getting the keys tomorrow and insurance is also in place from then (last day working today until the 27th) so will move anything I can in the car / non removals and then can see the wood for the trees as well as starting to pull apart the vital network systems.
Attacked tranche 2 of the financial abyss left with me this week. With the aforementioned juggling Im hoping things will start to run smoother (hah!) from january or so with Christmas next month attempts to be in the clear will be futile at best.
W may be popping round later to fill in the V5 for the car so she can apply for the tax next month (yes, I'm fixing too much for her probably but I dont want a £1000 fine for not doing so - yay, UK road laws). Apart from that and the dire news I have no coffee in the house today (was too fixated in getting the cats food in the shop) not much going on in the marriage arena. I think once I'm out and W is moving in I'll get calls on helping out, I'll see how they affect S and make a decision. I also want to remind her who I am and not just the problems she associates with me and I've always been a fixer as long as she's known me. All about balance I suppose.
I do know its flipping freezing here today (0 according to the outside thermometer) and theres no coffee and Im certainly not running the heating the day before the meter readings
Is today moving day? If so I hope it goes well
Enjoy your new place
good luck on your move. I was out on 10/10 and it is refreshing yet confusing times. Stay focused on you and try to not worry about her. Good luck
Just a quick post as I only have internet access via the phone at present. so moving day. was up till 11 last night packing that was after getting up. paying £2360 to the agent meeting the landlord who tells me the ensuite may need ripping up to fix a broken shower tray....sigh....cleared the garage of my stuff and packed packed packed.
today removal guys turned up at 7:45 so I had to turbo through ripping out cables walk to the nearest cash machine to get out the remaining money for moving fees then sort out the other end then back to the flat for cleaning bought a hoover as I needed to clear 4 years of accumulated fluff then 6 hours of cleaning 6 round car trips with contents and finally a cat. got the tv set up temporarily grabbed a chinese and chilled out as much as possible. next couple of days will be unpacking and configuration of my systems fibre install tuesday my birthday and then hopefully resting. will fix ws phone socket at some point as I rerouted it into my old office so need to undo that after she's moved in. ...
unpacking continues...
w contacted me to ask why the hall phone socket doesn't work sometimes wonder if she just tunes me out. love to say I feel upbeat and empowered today but I don't feels like I'm right back to July when she walked out today. May just be the chaos around me. slept in so maybe I was just groggy today after the past few days but I hope I don't have another emotional mountain to climb like I just did. Don't feel I have the energy. yesterday w berated me and told me she was really p'd over the dd she felt I'd just come out of my fog on finance and sorted myself out. apologised but explained I thought she wanted to sort things herself also how would I know her balances think the huge effort I put into leaving the flat clean and tidy helped but I also think w will never come back unless she addresses pent up anger she feels.
Apologies for typos. . Still using the mobile!
Have you ever considered just not playing the "tech support role" for her?
She is choosing not to be married to you. You are not that person to her right now.
hi bm
yes I debated it but im doing it a. to make sure s isnt disadvantaged and b. because mil is already fairly unpleasant and I dont want to make it worse in fact w hinted today that mil is somehow worked up on something and w doesn't want to be dragged into it. I'm guessing this will be mil wriggling out of rent rebate by blaming me for the run down parts of the flat despite w and I living there for over 9 years and I being there alone 3 months.
well awaiting my new fibre router delivery. happy birthday to me I suppose
did get a card from w and a lovely decorated envelope from s will open them after breakfast and see what they say.
Happy birthday.
Been away for a few days so catching up.
Glad the move went OK. How you feeling about the new place now?
Remember you don't have to listen to her being angry at you.
Back on the PC so catch up on what’s been going on.
Well, working from the new home today, started off sunny today.
So I'm moved in, new broadband is now up (after some fun with Virgin Media but they resolved that) next is the remaining paperwork on any marks and blemishes and sorting out the utilities at the old place and here.
Almost finished sorting out S's new room gone for a much more heading towards being a teen design which I know S loves from him popping around the other day.
Speaking of which this was my birthday and W/S came round to pick me up to take me out to dinner. W hasn’t been sleeping well as she's not having a good time with her work, may be other issues but she's not talking and apart from friendly concern I'm not digging. She was exceedingly quiet and looked particularly angry, I suspect this was connected to the House as I already have it way into habitable and getting toward the cosy way I want it additionally it’s a nice place reasonably quiet (although you can hear the main road 1/4 mile away and so can hear the odd siren etc. and the odd train horn though that’s more pleasing than irritating its mostly silent a departure from the apartment) I also suspect she's thinking great, he does this know after I've wanted to move for two years - she's also hated living in the flat for the past few years due to noise, connections to her mum and neighbour issues.
Anyway once I asked and was told nope nothing wrong (expected) I just showed S around, his room and the rest of the place. We chatted and just played around; W didn’t really want to know and refused drinks etc. They brought me a birthday gift (I'd refused it the day before and just took my cards as I wanted S to be there when I opened it - also wanted W to be there of course).
Anyway W drove us to the restaurant and we had a nice meal, she chilled during it enjoying herself and even agreed to split the cheese board with me at the end over coffee (too much for one really) S was getting tired and a little irritable (was after 8 by now and W keeps him going all day, most days) but the new me was on full display, not angry, no temper loss, just talked and the odd hug (W still refuses to see he's being affected and is emotional due to all this - she just continues to blame me for previously pushing him away, she has a point of course but I've never denied this and have constantly said to both of them I’m sorry for that, I own my mistakes and I'm not behaving that way anymore). So then they dropped me back and I called my dad for a long chat, was possibly going to go up near him to go to Ikea yesterday but by the time I straightened the "office" up in the morning getting it ready for work today and then got out, ordered S's new bed etc. I got home yesterday evening at about 6.
So here I am, still have a lot to do, financial issues (W has restructured her debt but I note the lower payment is still, you guessed it, going to come out of the main account this month - this one I can’t win this month and I’m too tired to battle it before Christmas, I'll note the amounts and in January bring it up again)
Eventually W will have to face up to her new financial issues, she wanted me to move into a house, agreed that all she wanted was support for S and nothing from herself - that’s not what she's doing. She has said she can’t handle the bills herself but then goes and buys S a PS3 for the apartment (as I took mine with me and he can play it here) she's either torn on what she wants, is full on cake eating or wants to be apart from me but doesn’t want to give up her 24/7 time with S, she needs to figure out what but she can’t look to me to service all our debt and fund her lifestyle.
In myself I've felt quite positive but I've also been exhaustingly busy physically and mentally, in the space of a week I sorted out insurance, signed the lease, finished packing, tidied the old place (still nothing from MIL as expected), moved, unpacked, organised the new place, sorted internet access, arranged repairs with landlord and will have S's room 90% done (can’t afford a new bedside table this month as I can’t find one under £40 and money is TIIIGHHHTT) and pruning the 1000+ emails I’ve received in the last week at work.
W is still saying she has no intention of getting in my way with S but her actions still show otherwise. At dinner we spoke about his card event this weekend (Friday night) while he visited the bathroom we talked about me taking him out Friday night, him staying, me having him Saturday and him going back Saturday night as he has yet another event on Sunday (W was obstinate that I couldn’t take him back Sunday morning as they need to go out first thing - I’m willing to bet this will mean 11 and she just can’t face not having him 2 nights in a row) anyway seemed a good starting point and something to build on.
Yesterday she texted me (still on this kick - she has ignored all my requests not to discuss this via text or email, starting next week if she texts on such matters I will call her back but not reply via messaging) to say since the bed wasn’t sorted yet why didn’t I just have him Saturday in the day and give me some time to sort it out. Went back to say no issues with the bed it would be sorted by Friday so I'll pick him up for his card event as per our conversation. Then found a store that could deliver (turned out having the "industrial" area nearby was handy an independent furniture stockist had exactly what I wanted in an inexpensive bed and mattress (a good starting point - I can upgrade later) and they will "walk deliver" on Friday morning (its less than 1/4 mile away). Sent W a message this morning to confirm everything and whether she wants me to make him dinner before we go tomorrow evening, heard nothing.
May be reading it wrong but it seems like now I'm not making him "unsure" (see first thread), the flat cant "upset" him as she now lives in it and there’s no disruption to "upset" him (packing / unpacking - not that she worried about him being upset when she came round to see what I was taking with him in tow) she's scrabbling for another excuse to stop him staying.
We shall see where this goes but I have said I want to sit down and work this out as he needs to have consistency as do I and W needs to book around that and not take his every waking moment to appease her friends for playdates every day of the week. I'm avoiding conversation on reconciliation, relationship or the future for now but - as I said in an earlier thread - my internal line in the sand is next June - if W hasn’t moved anything on by then I feel if I’m in the right emotional state I will have to kick things on formally as I don’t want to be left dangling. Obviously I don’t want that, I'll offer counselling etc. and any work W thinks needs to happen but she needs to decide her direction - she's drifting at the moment and just behaving as if this is fine indefinitely. Well, apart from complaining that I've taken (insert object here) pointed out she initially said she didn’t want anything, then she didn’t help with any of the packing so there will be some bits that I got wrong but they're not an issue. When she came round to the house she complained I have all the furniture so it’s easy for me - again pointed out that at the 11th hour she said she wanted to keep the dining table and chairs (in retrospect a good thing as it would be difficult to fit here) In fact apart from the bed (which she said cripples her) and the coffee table (which I’m paying for) I split everything else including taking the worse of the two sofas, left all the white goods (I purposefully picked somewhere that had built in replacements) and even cleaned the flat and moved the stage about for her as she had mentioned to me previously. For her to then bring up pepper mills, coffee machines that had been in the garage for 8 years etc. just feels like she can’t criticise anything else to me and it does still hurt even if I don’t show it.
So anyway that’s a dump for today now that I’m not reliant on my phones - sometimes interesting - interpretation of spelling!
Love to hear back on whether I’m handling these things right or overanalysing / mind reading. Really just want to get myself "nested" now, get some homey touches in and much as I’m dreading it, things ready for Christmas. Which reminds me W brought up trees since S has shown asthma this year but S seemed a little upset about that but W said she couldn’t deal with getting a real one in and set up. I just carried on with S at this point as I won’t be provoked into saying this is her idea much as I may feel it. I have the room so may go for a real tree I will speak to S about it and see what he would like as its for him really - know he's got a kick out of helping design his room so this will be another boost as he gets to have a say in what we have rather than it following a "grand design"!
Cheers all
So S's bed turned up, all set up in there now. Got a bedside table from Argos last night and built it ready. Let's see what excuse I get from W next!
Hi edz
Just reading through your update and I have to say there is a noticeable increase in positivity with your new place. That's really good - your making it yours and that's got to be good from both a DB perspective (I'm not doing well on this at the moment) and from a taking care of yourself side. They are the same thing really but its good.
And hopefully with the move you can really start to detach a lot more.
I'm pleased things are getting better
Edz
Glad the move went well and that your getting things you want for your new place .
South1974
Thanks guys. mixed couple of days had s from 6 last night to 6 today. usual situation that now I'm back by myself and feeling the loneliness a luttle heavily tonight. Sure ill feel a little better tomorrow. Will post am update on what's been going on then
hope youre both ok and doing well.
Feel emotionally drained cold and tired tonight. heading for an early night in bed with the tv. I hope it all feels less oppressively lonely tomorrow. night all..
Well after an early night, a lie in this morning a long delay quing up to pick up my sons christmas present and spending a small fortune on the weeks shopping I got back today and cooked a lamb dinner.
So now a good portion of the way into a bottle of red wine I;ve got some time to sit down and update the thread.
So last few days, friday picked up S and we went to his card event, brought him back to the house, he loved his room and had a good night. We had a nice breakfast saturday and went off to my dads, he let me know he'd bought a new microwave / combi oven recently and was happy for me to have the previous one since its almost new but a little too small for what he needed. This was brilliant as W wanted to keep the one from the flat so S and I went up there Saturday after breakfast.
Was a nice day but S was off out on Sunday on a suprise quadbike day so he had to go back to W fairly early. Managed to keep him for dinner time and then took him back.
Was shattered after the move, working and a late end friday/early start saturday so crashed out and was asleep fairly early only woken up by a cat being rather sick - yay.
Having the shower tray replaced tomorrow and the floor fixed tuesday so working from home again mo/tue but back in the office from wednesday which will be nice to be around other people.
Been invited to christmas do on the 18th which i'll be going to.
Feeling very lonely it must be said. Still get no idea from W as to what she wants - if she's still thinking about the future or just wants to be out of the marriage. Got asked by someone at work if I was interested in going on a date with her sister but that's not anything I'm ready to think about yet even if W isnt interested in a future.
As I've said my line in the sand is June, if she doesnt decide by then I'll have to see what I think will be for the best.
Doesnt change how alone I feel though, even if its in a place on my terms.
Another day another issue, after I hauled my sorry behind out of bed early for the plumber to come before 8 he didnt, had a call that the engineer coming got sidelined by a leak thats taken a ceiling down. I can understand that but its a pain to resort my week to be in (landlord can let him in but Im still funny about people being in without me around)
Anyway nothing from W, she's posting old pictures of S on facebook from ~2010 which made me feel sad as its a picture taken in my old home office with all our now split belongings on the shelves together. I dont for one second think she planned it to do that - I dont suspect she thought about me at all - but it shows how raw I still am in some places.
Still have some house things to do including switching energy suppliers and sorting out some bank details but working at the moment so they'll have to wait.
My GAL has centered around the house since about the 18th of November but with the exception of the office and my bedroom (which I didnt want to spend too much time on until this blasted ensuite is sorted) its getting there and Im hitting a limit on what I can do without more money (of which there is now little). Got S's main present and starting on his stocking contents and bits for the holiday generally (chocolate money, christmas foods that can be frozen etc) Ive picked up a card for W (not as romantic as I would normally but still saying wife) and made the decision I will buy her a gift but I'll keep it at "family" rather than partner level.
So still ticking on, sometimes Im ok sometimes feeling hollow and tired and cold. I do feel like it's all a bit much to carry at times, W has S a lot more than me so doesnt have to feel the time alone, since she's still HE at the moment there's also not much chance of that changing at least until her work situation changes (her manager has had enough - non justifyably really as she has not managed W's situation and just ignored it with the hope of replacing her or getting her to work full time in a part time role - typical bad management really and W is now seeking redeployment within the organisation which I think will be a good move)
So I carry on, I keep wondering should I just give up and tell W thats it Im going to find someone new but the problem there is I still want her, still see a future with the 3 of us together that would work so much better with the lessons we've all learned. But until and unless she's receptive to trying which doesnt seem likely right now, that's just not an option.
I suppose I feel trapped between not wanting to "drop the rope" and give up on that future but feeling like I dont want to be alone either. What a rubbish end to the year to face
Aaaaand another long evening of the soul. Starting to get a better handle on it but keep wondering what W is up to and then get cross with myself for mind reading and going there.
One difference I havent texted, emailed, facebooked or contacted her although every fibre of my being wants to.
...Can't say it makes me feel any better though
Time for bed said Florence...
It will get better as you make your place your own.
How are you settling in and what are you thinking for new GAL activities?
Hi Jim
getting there all the rooms are liveable now except the en suite which is awaiting horrible things happening to the shower tray and the main bedroom because the en suite is awaiting horrible things happening to the shower tray. The office (bed2) is usable but needs a little more organisiation when I get the time and I need to sort a time to go and get a table and chairs from my Dad for the kitchen.
Still have to sort the utilities as I only just got the info from the landlord for the current providers so that will be this week. Water and internet both done though.
GAL well Ive nearly done everything I need to do in the house (one or two things to do in S's room yet) so next is pre-christmas stuff for S and the necessary shopping got a party to go to on the 18th and I'll probably kick the swimming back in now I have time.
Looking around now for something to do in the evenings so hopefully I'll find something to stop them feeling so empty but still working on that one.
Sounds like good progress on the apartment anyway even if the shower tray sounds worrying.
So any thoughts on the kind of thing you would like to do with your evenings?
Well the plumber has ripped out the old one today but they've ordered the wrong one so it will be a little while until its sorted, Im working from home anyway but if Im not the landlord will let them in. Hoping it will be sorted by the weekend but it depends on, as always, ordering the parts!
Absolutely no idea on what I'd like to do had thought about a few things including getting to grips with music again (used to play the keyboard by ear - fingers would probably work better in retrospect) but main stumbling block will be money of which I have less than none!
Wont stop me though, once the Christmas stuff and remaining house bits are done I'll get on with finding some open evenings etc to find out what's there.
I am looking for some advice though, I re-read DB/DR last weekend (not sleeping has some benefits) am I doing the right thing being fairly dark with W or should I be doing anything to contact her. My gut tells me I'm doing the right thing by getting on with things and letting her do the same but at the same time it feels heartbreaking to not contact her at all unless contacted.
Writing it down it would seem Im doing the right thing, feels wrong but thats the core strangeness of initial DBing (good lord initial even after nearly 6 months - sigh) as you can see I still sruggle with being detatched!
Edz
Xmas is coming. My advice you urgently need a GAL infusion. An external non dating GAL infusion. A good cheer you up GAL time.
Then dark time won't be as dark.
Not a DIY activity. But a go to the gym, drink with mates, eat a crocodile, help in a soup kitchen type GAL. Kids Xmas carols, paint a Santa, put up a tree, cook a turkey GAL.
If you can't think of anything else try a new activity, Ceroc dancing, bowls, cooking classes, Fencing.
Let's see a GAL plan, it's Xmas, the GAL high time.
Go GAL.
Vanilla
Edz
I like the music based GAL ideas if thats what you like doing. Can you still play (with ears or fingers)?
Dont worry if you are struggling to think of anything to do (i'm struggling on this to). I read somewhere that if you wait around to feel like you would love to do something then you will be waiting forever, instead try and do and then see if you start to love it. If you dont - try something else.
25mlc had a big long list of GAL activities around on a few threads which might be some inspiration for you
whatever it is i think you need to find somethings that either take you away from thinking about your situation or let you channel it into something constructive.
in terms of your DB question i'm going to have to defer to someone else who is actually good at this stuff - I cant even seem to stop digging.
Thanks All
@Vanilla
I've been swimming like a fish up until the move, will put that back on the agenda now all the (real) heavy lifting of boxes chairs cabinets etc is done, not really the drinking with mates type but certainly the getting Christmas set up here along with S type - a job for this weekend. Im enjoying my cooking for varying reasons been self sufficient in cooking, cleaning and practicalities since my early teens if not before - used to do a lot of it before W left but of course now its up to me, I've got to re-assemble my utensils pans collection at the moment (shocking prices for decent pans as I found out recently and I need a couple of good chefs knives next) but then I think I'll try a bit of baking and something more complex than the dinners, roasts and normal meals Im doing right now. Also would help if I can get a manual for the oven here which has had the icons and temps worn off the front of the oven
(Ikea Whirlpool oven).
Off to a party on the 18th which will be a departure for me, other than that keeping my eyes open.
@Jim
Hi mate
I can sequence stuff (or could before I ripped the system apart not back together yet and I could use a better midi keyboard device as the small keys yamaha synth I have is old in the tooth only has orginal midi and has those small sized keys when I have far from small sized hands!) but would like to go towards learning properly costs are massive though so may aim to get a keyboard first get up to speed and then see about the lessons.
Read 25mlcs list inspiring (and exhausting) that was so I have no excuses apart from malaise and lazyness!
Dont worry on deferring, I think we're all on a permanent learning process on this I did pop by your thread earlier but havent had time to get to the last postings - got behind when my internet was off, or more accurately I was away from it W has my phone line and connection until it switches over so S can do his work, she's paying me back pro-rata for that, or says she will, we'll see!
Thanks all.
Edz
I would dearly like to see you include some GAL which involves mixing. You mention the party, that's great but more like that.
Personal GAL is one type, but mixer GAL is very important.
Swimming- join an improves group, arrange a group swim for charity.....
Music, sign up for a band, play the triangle, set the lights.....,
Cooking, go on a course, join a soup group......
Reading: join a reading group etc......
I'm sure there is an improves keyboard group somewhere
This is not distracting or filling the lonely hearth but improving you
Go get em
Vanilla
Liking the cooking group idea, will look into that one
So emailed W as we still have some financial points to work through. She's been ignoring them for some time but I can see things sliding back in the account after I spent a lot of effort in the past few months trying to make them better.
I know she's fighting with the money situation, I know I cant help her make any decisions about the marriage or the direction she takes. All I can do is try to stabilize finances on my side and try to have a nice place for myself and S and hope without expectations.
Of course, even without me pushing and only asking for specifics she's still blanking me which makes it very hard to both make things stable and also deal with more rejection. Originally she didnt want to draw from the joint account and wanted to only have an amount to support S so we did that. Now she's got that but still has payments on the joint account and has occasionally used her debit card (although in her defense she had lost her debit card for her account at the time) I also found a transaction that seems to point that she paid for my Birthday card out of it (which since she no longer pays into it means I bought it myself - ha) although she's since transferred money in to cover it so that was possibly just a mistake.
I mentioned in one of our past conversations (when she didnt want to draw on the account) that if she wants to split things formally I'll sort out an account in my name only and then she will have her account and I mine (although in practice with overdraft limits this will be rather tricky) and this is something that is still on the table if we cant work this out another way.
I re-iterated this isnt confrontational or punitive, but we both need to know where we are financially and what we need to plan. I cant do that if Im trying to pay for two loads of home insurance and paying her credit cards while (and this I didnt say obviously) she uses her money to buy a second ps3 console for S to play when he's not around me.
Sigh, I appear to have crested the coaster again!
Edz
its probably not what you want to hear but you should sort out your own current account and i'd suggest giving some serious thought to how you want to sort out the finances. you're living seperately and you have to worry about your bills and make sure you are secure.
you've got to do whats right for you and your son first and foremost. if she wont engage then you might need to take some considered action and tell her about it - Ive seen around here some good advice on this sort of thing (some good tips on HPs thread althought the circumstances are different)
Hows the shower tray?
Oh don't worry Jim if I don't get some movement from W I will make the changes I need to, I'd rather not but equally she's got to start dealing with these things.
To an extent I buried my head in the sand and let some of these problems build up ( I don't want to know the balance was a cry of mine while I earned the money ) but she's definitely not dealing with the situation here.
I know she said a little while ago - when I cancelled some direct debits after telling her I would but not telling her when I did it, that she was pi55ed about it that I'd decided to sort things out and went off to sort myself and dropped her. It escaped her then (and apparently now) that this is because she wanted out, wanted to control her own life (and is, I think, now realising that theres a lot of downs to that that I used to deal with and pay for).
Anyyyyway..
Shower tray and the bottom row of tiles have now been chiseled out the drain replaced and prepped and the plumber is waiting on a replacement tray of the right height. So...we await parts!
W texted me lateish last night to say she'd received my emails and that her phone was running out of charge but she'd be in touch about the weekend (seeing when S is free). Nothing yet about either S or the finance questions I raised. I know she says she's always busy but I get a distinct feeling from her that she's actually still passively angry that my changes dont appear to be temporary and/or that it took her going this far before I changed myself. Cant say for sure, trying not to mind-read but difficult to do anything else when she's not talking to me properly.
On the house, had the landlord round this morning who buried the cable lines outside as they were a trip hazzard and he's putting a rocket under the plumbing firm as they told him they were done, er, no, its not.
Off down to my dads in a little while to pop in and pick up a table for the kitchen!
Will get me out the house for the evening anyway.
Still nothing from W today, she appears to be in full on I 'don't exist' mode, oh well as long as she lets me know when I can pick up S cant ask for much else out of her, not with any hope of getting it right now anyway..
At least you can spend some quality time with your dad
Indeed I did. picked up the table and they gave me a nice little side table for the bedroom as well all rebuilt and in place now.
w texted me to ask am I taking s to his card event tomorrow. hadny said so since it was every two weeks but happy to so will have him tomorrow night and all Saturday. tried for Saturday night too but w wasnt happy as she wouldnt have any down time with him. we compromised as w is heading out with her friend for girls dinner w night so s is staying with me overnight rather than going to mil. nice key in to seeing him in the week.
Thats really good your going to spend some time with your Son. and thats a decent amount of time given the previous circumstances
hopefully you can get it to the point where he regularly stays and starts to feel like its his room
Thanks Jim, yes I was a little angry with myself at first since I thought I may have (A) been insufficiently assertive over having S sunday and let W have her way and (B) then made Ws life easier and possibly facilitated her going out on wednesday, of course then my mind started spooling on is she really going out with (girl)friend and who will she meet?
However I then applied a mental 2x4 to myself (at least proving I read the books if nothing else!) - firstly, the hell with it I'm seeing my son and we'll get on with our time in our home and secondly that she would have gone out anyway on wednesday and s would have had to stay at mil's which he would have hated.
As far as I know she's heading out with her (girl)friend from work as she normally does but, really, if she's not - right now - there's nothing I can do to change anything and I'm certainly not having her surveiled!
So this way I'll get S tonight, all of tomorrow (and it will be all - I'll take him back for about 7pm not 2,3 or 4) sunday to get things organised and maybe even relax and then I'll have him over mid week.
On the home front set up the new table which nicely fills up the empty end of the kitchen diner and I now have a nice side table instead of the sheet covered moving box that I've been using as a bedside table. Getting addicted to sorting my home though. I know where I want rugs under the new table and in the lounge and bedroom and where I'd like new furniture oh, and a curved sofa. Sadly the bank balance is glowing like a melting nuclear core so those plans will have to wait for now but I think its a good sign that Im settling in.
Hope you guys are doing well, I'll drop by your thread a little later Jim and also check in on South as I havent heard from him in a while.
Have a good one.
Oh forgot to say, S said last week when he stayed over that he really loved his room (dont think the media player linked to the master music storage - 11,000 tracks including radio plays,talking books and music as well as our DVD TVshows - filtered for his player and DVD/BluRay movies - again filtered - hurt matters either!) He also loves his minions wall canvas I picked out and said it was great to have a "grown" up room at last.
He said he'll bring some things from his room at the apartment next time (although he'll probably forget as he's normally on minecraft up to the last second I pick him up!)
Really does sound like your settling in and you've sorted your Sons room really well. The more he likes it the more he will want to stay and that's a good thing.
Have you sorted that mincraft server so you can do something with your S
Hi Jim
Yes, I'm hoping so, he said he likes the house and wants to spend more time here. Delicate negotiations making that work with W though as I think she's frightened of losing control.
I'm feeling more at home now, I want to get the "cosy" bits done but Im restricting myself because of money right now which is a bit of a downer but realistic this close to christmas.
Minecraft server,no not yet, spoke to S about it last week and asked whether its just me and him or if he wants to allow (some) of his friends access on a whitelist basis (as they do with the HE minecraft server) to be honest work and the house has meant there hasnt been time yet but I'll get on it this next week. Have to see if any of the gang here want on as well - ha!
Well a good day all in. Picked S up after work yesterday and took him to his card event. We then did a quick run to the shops ready for todays breakfast and back for bed. Tucked S up in and got his media system online and off he went.
He had lost a tooth yesterday (getting on for the last of his baby teeth) so once he was asleep we did the tooth fairy thing (not sure he still believes but he's happy to get the £1) then I got myself off to bed.
This morning we both were in bed till nearly 9 since it was a late night but then once I was up and ready I made us bacon sandwiches (with mushrooms for me!) and then we chilled out.
When we finally got out we picked up the tree and decorations for it (first time on two counts, first time without W and first time not buying a real tree for 15 years - had to go with an artificial one as S has shown asthma this year - interestingly though apart from a slight wobble it wasnt as upsetting as I thought and S really got into it - apart from me having to drag him away from the ps4 demonstration area, no he cant have one this year!)
This afternoon we played video games for a while, got the tree assembled (wow like a 3d puzzle getting that together). W called me at one point to ask what time S was coming back but not to push just to see what time she had until to sort out things at the flat, she seemed happy on the phone and we had a very quick chat on the points I raised on the email in the week. Regarding S staying tonight as well she said she's nervous about setting a precedent with S not for me but for him as she doesnt want to get into rows with him every weekend if something else is going on. I made sure to say that I dont agree with her opinion and to me 'precedent' is actually routine which I think he's comfortable with and that she underestimates him in a lot of ways, however I made sure to validate her opinion and say that I'm not pushing (since at the moment I'm supposed to have him wednesday night) and we left the call there.
I made tagliatelle with meatballs and cheese and tomato sauce before we had to get everything packed up and take him back to W.
S wanted me to come in which I nervously did but I was cautious about looking like I was pursuing. W seemed very cold to me, wasnt angry but seemed distant, quiet and looking almost exhausted (which she could well be after working on the flat all day). I picked up a few bits and pieces including some post that hasnt caught up with redirects yet and then as soon as it wouldnt upset S I made my way away before it felt like I was pushing in.
So back now, apart from dealing with some internet issues (local virgin media you tube cache grrrr, bypassed now) settled for the evening. I thought the tree being here would make me feel upset or sad or both but, right now, its not.
I obviously miss S already and missing W is almost always there but at least is now a dull ache rather than a knife in my soul. Got in a nice (small) beef joint and veg for me for tomorrow and will be concentrating on getting the remaining bits around the house (including the exciting housework) done and maybe a visit to the shops - considering trading in my digital slr and lenses for a tablet for S and I to use as one of my 180s was not hiding behind it if we go out together (or if W joins us again) my hobbies are important but those that separate me from others need toning down, I can still take pictures and video on my phone and it has a great camera, not as good but it hasnt been used since May and I know a tablet would be great for me in the evenings and S would love it when he comes round. I'll see what the shop says.
Anyway that's my update for the day. I'll pop by some other threads and then I think thats me for tonight.
Cheers all
Busy day doing some dull but necessary tasks. Sorted the frightening pile of bedding and clothes I unpacked when I moved in. Sorted two lots of washing, threw away (well took to recycling bank) a load of older bedding and clothes (all clean but for beds I dont have or stuff Im not going to wear).
Sorted out some bits in S's room and did a quick run to see what I'd get for my Camera and lenses but the price would have been funny if he wasnt being serious. I'll list it and some other bits on ebay or gumtree instead.
Dinner is nearly ready with veg, roast beef and trimmings. Cat is asleep. Noticed W has posted pictures of her tree on facebook along with comments that she has the tree up S with her and a glass of wine = happiness. Made me feel a little sad and depressed but there we go nothing I can do on that. I'd liked her earlier picture of a tree but I didnt comment and I didnt like the above post.
Need to be less emotionally easy to hurt so I'm busying myself on other things. Right now I have to admit I cant see that W is showing any signs of being in a position to mentally want to reconcile but then she's only been on "her own" for 2 weeks and out of that time has only not had S for about 3 days so why would she?
Anyway off to get dinner dished up.
Edz
Where is the GAL?
Vanilla
Glad you enjoyed a roast dinner. going to the effort of cooking for yourself is a good sign and a good thing.
Vanilla is right though about the GAL - think you might get ridden on this one a bit.
dont be too hasty on the camera front as well - photography is a really good hobby if you enjoy it and getting out to take photos gets you out. You seem really into your tech but actually having something different is good. plus you could make your photography a more social thing through a course, a club, or even a photography blog - its certainly something you could also do with your S.
yes fair doos. social gal is lagging at the moment behind a lot of necessities. However, in the next few weeks have my step sister coming for a few days. swimming again from thursday and im off to the community hall on friday to see whats coming up for sign up so on it as much as possible. I shall report back.
oh yes and Christmas party on the 18th.
Edz
Please remember GAL isn't a solitary activity!
So swimming club, improves, challenge etc
Take step sis for a meal interact, but not the cinema alone.....
Bowling perhaps, rather than swimming
Trust that explains, and one Xmas party doesn't make an Xmas!
Gee up
Vanilla
Indeed not Vanilla, keep the poking coming I most definitely dont need to retreat into myself!
Christmas, unless W changes her plans - relating to S - will see me go to my Dads for christmas eve after work and stay there into christmas morning then drive back in the afternoon to pick S up from W for christmas night and boxing day.
No chance.........
And the rest?
Vanilla
ha!
keep it coming..
invite to a meal with friends from work. looking to see if I can get some night bowling going (no takers yet)... looking for more ideas at the mo..locally...
What about carol singing?
Plans for new year?
Vanilla
Now I think my singing qualifies as offenses against humanity..
If I have S we're going to go and see the local fireworks event, if not I may still go by myself.
So an update on whats going on with me.
Sunday W texted to say she didnt have any Christmas films, resisted the urge to say "and?" or to rush around with any, expecially after the posting on facebook she'd made so decided to just get on with my evening (getting the odd 2 x 4 from Vanilla
) yesterday got a call just saying she had caught up with my text after being out all day (it was just asking is her Sky line going in so I can close the BT/Sky ADSL and phone account down and clear the bill) and we had a chat. She asked did I have any of the christmas films on DVD, pointed out that I'd left some there for her when I moved but I had some more we had recorded I could drop around. Interestingly she said oh she hadnt looked in the pile of DVD's - which seemed odd and almost as if she was thinking of an excuse to text me.. may just be wishful thinking though.
Popped by yesterday evening so I could see S and drop them off. While I was there W asked me would I move her new Skybox over a bit and there was a coffee in it for me. Didnt see a reason not to as I would for a neighbour and she was being friendly - again not pursuing and wasnt expecting anything except the coffee - also one of the first things I ever did for her was fix her phone line back in 1999 so thought it was a nice callback.
We had a brief chat about the phone lines, spent a little time with S and then made sure I left before it became pursuing.
My Dad was asking the other day had I straight out told her that she was welcome to move here, (I know the sharp intake of breath that you will all be making at that and no not since august would I have said something like that when she was saying about leaving her mothers) but it did make me wonder does she know that the path is there? I have to believe that she's smart and everything I have done and said has made that clear and anything else is pursuit, thoughts?
She knows the path is there.
there may be a whole load of other stuff she doesnt know or doubts or needs to figure out for herself (MIL for starters?) - but its probably best to not guess on this stuff.
Personally I think staying for the coffee was good if it was friendly and positive but steered well clear of R or pursuing. Its a friendly interaction. If you are a positive in her life then that is good. (the disagreement may come if she is putting you in the friend zone).
The approach I think you want is to make her want to move in with you without ever discussing it. you do this by making your new place exactly as you want it, make it a warm, secure and comfortable home for your S, you have a good PMA and you start living the life that anyone would want to be part of (GAL, GAL, GAL).
Thanks Jim, yes thats what I'm going for.
When we sat down and spoke when MIL was away month before last (wow that went fast) we briefly touched on this - very briefly - I said then I couldnt just be buddies as it would be putting myself somewhere way to painful, If W doesnt want to pursue a reconciliation then we can co-parent but that has to be my line in the sand as painful a thought as it is. Things such as what if she started seeing someone and Im in the friend zone, nope, maybe in the future if we go that way, I made it clear I dont agree with her decision to leave but I understand its what she needed to do, that right now we're married but not living together while she makes her decisions on what she needs to do in the future but when she does all I can really offer is working and doing anything needed to further reconciliation or co-parenting with her for the good of our S. Wasnt quite that blunt but made it clear.
I've also worked to maintain an air that I'm moving on with things and while I still wear my ring (she isnt but then often didnt anyway) I won't sit and pine for her. The evening texts and goodnights etc all stopped some time ago but you're right that I want her to see a life she wants to be part of.
Edz
You know what I am going to say about GAL!
Ok so wasail is unlikely to work.
What would you enjoy in the company of others?
Vanilla
Hi Vanilla
Seem to have lost a post this morning - odd?!
Ok, to recap. Signed up for a digital photo course starting January, just the basics which I suspect I know but Im not big headed enough to think I have it all right and...importantly...other people!
Also heading up to matchams to sign up for go karting license tests (basically gets you signed up so you can then go when you want to without the pre-training every time). Called ahead so should have this booked up for next weekend (S here tonight, probably friday night and saturday and Dad visiting on Sunday so Busy time)
Me being dim ---> whats wasail?
Being serious and honest I like other people but I'm a focussed introvert. I find it incredibly tiring being around lots of people *because* I like to engage with them and drive conversation forward and to entertain etc. Thus I have a habit of wearing myself out and having to recover (not from a hangover but just feeling worn) afterwards.
The issue is I have a habit (as I suspect do a lot of men) of therefore avoiding the situation and going into hiding.
What do I like from people and importantly what "recharges" me around them? Quiet talk, funny conversation, going off at a tangent, understanding small silences aren't always oppresive.
See I'm a tricky one!
Edz, let's have a bit of a logic fun thing with this, I am sure others will chip in.
I don't know how to do tables in this and last attempt transferring a word table was very odd result.
So, why don't we set some guidelines?
Let's say we mark each GAL activity from 1 to 5
Set a target of ??.. 20 pts per week
Add 10 pts each holiday week ??
Ok so GAL points
Swimming, running, hiking, meals, sauna, alone one hour 1 pt (counts as out of house)
Add kids extra pt per child
Add spouse (if not in piecing) take off a point
tv at home nul points
TV at mates plus 1 pt
Club activity, sports, games, sauna, dance, sing, weight watchers, GAanon wassail 2 pts
Competition sport including prep 3 pts
Shopping, visiting muesem culture trip out, course with others non work 3 pts
Dancing party, full on evening with meal, cinema, dinner party 4 pts
Weekend break with chums full on 5 pts for each day
Other stuff
On line gaming with cohorts but not gambling 3 pts but deduct 1 pt for every hour over 8
Coffee with chum 1pt
This site?
That's my starter bid lets get this going like a Mexican Wave
http://youtu.be/JTazCqcD7Lshttp://youtu.be/lYl-H_kXbdQNormally involves nog
Vanilla
Nope it appears HTML posting is disabled. Leave it with me
this scoring could get complex but i think its a good idea. I thought i was doing ok but turns out i'm a long way short of the 20 target.
that digital photo course should be a good 3pts each week
I'm certainly hoping, as long as the karting doesnt land me in hospital then I'll be hopping...
is now a bad time to mention i got run over last time i went karting.....
I like Karting and its great your getting out to do it but make sure to try and make the most of the social aspects
Ok, update from today (so far) as posted have some new GAL activities signed up, on the lookout for more.
This morning had the plumber around who's now got the floor back in the shower tray cemented in and the floor tiles back, he's coming back at 8am to grout them and get the door back on the ensuite, hopefully I can start friday with a glorious hot power shower...bliss..
As I mentioned, knew W was dropping S around today after his trampoling so did the housework at lunchtime not to mention sorting myself, hair, shaving, cleaning fingernails - breath etc.
W and S came round just after 3, made her a perculated coffee and she sat on the sofa for a bit while I grabbed a dining chair so she didnt have to turn around awkwardly to talk (need a second big chair or sofa when I can afford it) nothing R or heavy just on how its all going and lots of talk on the cats both being daft muppets. She seemed tired but wasnt as cold as she has been, made sure the house was nicely lit and warm and inviting so hopefully thats made a subconcious impact, W collected a couple of the picture frames I had here as she hasnt got any at the flat
(MIL/FIL scooped them all up on that first rampage when I met W on the saturday after she left. They got put "somewhere" but of course they havent prioritised finding them, fixing the shower at the flat....etc)
After about 30 minutes W went, she mentioned she may not go out tonight but may stay in as she'd need to wash her hair and get ready and doesnt know if she can be bothered. Just said well, up to you see how you feel and told her to go careful and that I'll assume she's picking S up tomorrow unless she lets me know when she wants me to drive him back round. Made sure I didnt hang around at the door or wave her off or anything, stayed upbeat and happy the entire time.
Still got some conference calls on the go so made sure S is settled and has a drink etc (in the other room at the moment) once I finish for the day we're off out to the exciting food shopping and then a quiet evening at home with dinner together.
is now a bad time to mention i got run over last time i went karting.....
I like Karting and its great your getting out to do it but make sure to try and make the most of the social aspects
Yes I got hit by a tyre last time if I remember lol!
Well first thing will be this "license" event so thats big groups etc. From then I need to see what options there are as the last time I went without it being a deliberate group of us was probably my stag do in 2001!
So far so good
But the wassail?
Vanilla
Well I have been apple shaped in the past so it's probably appropriate
I shall endeavour to get some good health in the schedule immanently and I trust you shall keep reminding me
S was here last night, we went out and did the food shopping and I made him hot dogs with all the trimmings with french mustard as requested. We played PS3 for a while (Sonic All Stars racing - PS3, I still got it but he took me to 5 to 4!) he went up to bed about 9 but was watching his media player until I remote shut it off and he went to sleep.
W texted me about 9 to ask was he in bed yet, texted back to say yup all tucked in. She was already back from her meal and settling in with the cat and probably heading for bed. Asked me if I was to bring S back today what sort of time would it be. Said I have a couple of bits I cant move (working from home) but I can do before 11 or after 12 the rest is flexible so we agreed on 10ish.
This morning we were expecting an early visit from the plumber who's now grouted the tiles before going off to another job (he should finish the job later today, hooray!) he was getting here for 8 so I was up for 7 then got S up to bagles and orange juice and coffee for me. Will be driving him back to W about 10 as requested.
More later..
Taken S back to W, went in for a coffee. Light chat nothing about R, W wanted to give me a spare USB cable she had. Not having S this friday as my Dad is coming over on Sunday so picking S up early Sunday morning and taking him back Monday.
Hugged S and had a brief hug with W before leaving which was a nice suprise. Back to work now..
I'm really glad your getting more time with your S and the positive affect seems to really show in the tone of your posts
if that increased positive carries into other parts of your life (including your new GAL activities) then thats a good thing and people will notice
Thanks Jim, appreciate it.
Still missing W but I think *think* detatchment is coming slowly. Still miss W dreadfully and want her back so much, but, its slowly feeling like there's that side of my life and this side of my life here at the new place.
Still have a lot of worries, financial etc and also cant think too far ahead or I start to get wobbly but with S popping in and out more I dont feel like I've been completely dropped alone which is helping.