Also she is in an affair. 13 year marriage broken. We are 40 and have 5 year old twins. I have been suggested to go straight to divorce as I am the only one working on the marriage. I have a history of depression so going through therapy. What more would you suggest than 180?
ME:40 W:40
M:13
D:5, D:5
Still in the same house
Welcome to the board
Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
180 continues. Therapy continues. Life is moving on but she still denies an affair. I am avoiding confrontation as that is negative feelings. GAL but I want to be able to improve the relationship. I am lost.
Welcome aboard. How about giving us your story? Have you read Divorce Remedy?
I haven't read the book but have followed the articles, videos out there from Mrs. Davis.
The story is that my wife started to become emotionally distant from me on July 2014. She was fairly upset with the way I was putting effort toward the family. However, she had always been praising her colleague (OM) and that raised concerns to me. On Aug 26 I found that she was sexting him and even a note about a sex position. I videoed the messages and confronted her. She asked me to delete them which I did. She apologied for her act and said had gone too far. However, she didn't stop contact with OM. I simply regard this as midife crisis and keep away from the communications between OM and W. Otherwise, I get unstable. And as I read about it, it is best not to confront. Yes, to draw a border but she isn't out with him all the time but always in text contact. These days she goes to the toilet or says she is texting another friend when she contacts him. I can do something on things I can control. I can't control my wife.
We have recently talked that we are in a marriage that has no passion. And she asked how long we would go like this. I said that the passion would come back. So I feel things are OK now but I miss my W. There is intimacy, conversation, future plans, relationship talks but no physical bonding. I am being patient but crying everyday.
I am changing a lot. I have cut down the hours I spend at work. I do the school runs ie take the kids to school at least 3 times a week. I listen closely to what W says and keep notes not to miss any commitments I have like buy this, do this. She has acknowledged that I have changed.
I attend to therapy and try not to sway from it but wanted to hear feedback from the group as I can see a lot of similarities. I even can guess which people will say what. I am not sure
You said you had intimacy, but no physical bonding. Could you explain?
We talk about our dreams. We recall our old times. We laugh about our own shortcomings. We care about each other and show our concerns towards each other. We love each other. That is the intimacy. Legalized friendship a term I heard recently but she distances herself from physical attraction.
It is not uncommon for the W to not desire any physical closeness with her H, when there is another man in her head.
I want to encourage you to read Divorce Remedy.
Will read DR. Will try to find a way.
That's my dilemma. Should I do 180 because of OM or work on bringing back passion to the marriage? I will be concentrating on myself. The only thing I can control.
Thanks for the replies Sandi2!
IMO, she probably won't desire any passion until her A has ended and she gets through the withdrawal/depression stages.
Take this time frame to 180 your bad behaviors/habits. Polish your personality/charm/manners. When you are home and with the kids or around others, be fun. Become the guy you use to be, or maybe better.
This time needs to be focused on you. She has to work her own stuff out, and while she's doing it, you need to get ready. You have a lot to learn. Don't make any major moves until you read the book and learn more here on the board. It would be wise to check here before rushing into any kind of "talks" or sending email, etc. It helps more than you know.
Our relationship has improved but there is still the OM.
I snooped a bit and realized things still going on secrecy.
I am having trouble on how to stand on these. I am keeping
all her actions deep down to save the marriage. Many of the
MidCrisis articles talk about how to beat these. And as Michelle
says if I draw the line, the odds are she will be defensive again.
Haven't done that for a year. I had been refraining from snooping.
Couldnt resist this time. Probably not here for advice but someone to talk to.
I had spoken a year ago to a friend but stopped after the books articles I have read. How long more? My patience is there still.
Reposting new homework post
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
What do you do when you see lies and cover ups? I have been ignoring and trying to be patient. I am trying turn toward her rather than away but I can't believe how somebody I trusted is playing behind my back.
As Michelle says, if I draw the line, I can't see recovery.
No response from the group probably means I will have to continue with Limbo.
No response from the group just means it takes time for everyone to see your post and catch up on your thread. I'll admit, it is discouraging whenever a newcomer just stops after just a few posts. So, please stick with us this time, okay?
I think MWD is talking about ultimatums, when she says drawing the line. We encourage setting boundaries. Cadet sent a link, if you will read it, you'll see there is a difference in boundaries and ultimatums. Boundaries are for you and to protect you. It is not to control the other person.
No response from the group probably means I will have to continue with Limbo.
How to get more people to POST on my thread?
To get more replies my suggestion is to ask questions.
Put you post down in a readable fashion. (not one big block of type- ie hit carriage return frequently).
KISS = Keep it simple stupid
Post on other peoples threads and give them support.
You may not think you are qualified but you will be surprised that you may know something
or have some knowledge of something that others know nothing about.
Personally thank each poster that does post on your thread or ask them a follow up question.
Keep posting! - (Most important part)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553410#Post2553410
Thank you. Setting a boundary. How can I work on setting a boundary for the following;
How can I go to my wife and say "Why are you chatting with OM secretly?"
I am trying turn toward her rather than away
Actually, you should be turning away from her to focus on yourself and your life and your kids. As Sandi said, there is no real connection possible as long as she is pursuing another man. In order to get through this, you have to let her go, emotionally, for now...and understand that no matter what happens, that's the healthy choice for you anyway.
How can I go to my wife and say "Why are you chatting with OM secretly?"
You don't, bro. You stop pursuing her in any way. You carry on with your life in the household and do the things to keep life going for yourself and your daughters that you need to do. And you find ways to make your life and yourself better for you and the kids.
If she wants to get close to you, if she questions you why you do not draw close to her, you might say something like, "I will not participate in an open marriage. I do not want a divorce, but as long as you're involved with another man I think it best we keep things friendly for the kids but that's about all I will do as long as you are pursuing a relationship with someone else."
Hi. Im new here too and our situations are similar. The lies when they are still with the op. Im sorry about your pain. I will say that you are better than I am since you have known yet not said anything to her for a year. That haa got to be so hard.
Good luck to you
I think you are confusing some of the DB principles of acting as if nothing is happening, with being a doormat If you know she is cheating on you, you need to make it clear that you know that she is, and that you won't be second place. Acting like nothing is happening is AFTER you get all of that in the open. It's about pretending you know you are worth more than being second, even if you don't feel like you are...
That, is acting as if.
How long do you intend on living with someone who is actively with someone else while you pretend nothing is happening? This is not healthy for you.
Also, setting boundaries is not about boundaries for HER. So you don't ask her why are you chatting to OM?
The boundary is something that YOU will not cross...
For example: As long as you are chatting with OM, I refuse to be a part of this marriage.
Also the consequence: if you continue to choose to behave in this way, I will have no choice but to separate from you.
Do not use threats. You are not threatening her, you are telling her what you will not stand for in YOUR life, not hers. This is not a threat this is a boundary. Make sure whatever you state is the consequence of continued bad behavior is something that you will actually do. Not something you are not willing to enforce.
Then you need to have in your mind the consequence of her continuing this behavior. Then you back off and see. If she continues the behavior you immediately move to your intended plan. The one you stated to her. No games.
She is an adult and she knows there are consequences for her actions. Right now she has no need to stop since there is no consequence and she gets to have you and eat her cake (OM).
One year is long enough (too long really) to wait for something to stop. In any case you've waited and it hasn't happened. And if it stops because of natural causes like them having a fight etc there will be OM2 and OM3. Could you put up with this? What is YOUR boundary?
By knowing she is cheating and not confronting or letting her know that you know, she thinks she's getting away with it.
And what I bet you are doing is one of two things:
1) treating her better in the hopes that she realizes you are an awesome guy and drops OM. In this case she's losing respect for you especially if she thinks that you know and that you chose to ignore it. You could be losing her respect QUICKLY and women cannot love a man they don't respect. Respect and attraction go hand in head.
2) you are treating her badly sometimes because you know what's happening and its eating you alive. This leads to passive aggressive behavior which is also a massive turn off for women. Leads to more loss of attraction.
Anyway you look at it, you are only helping her to lose respect for you and with it lose attraction for you.
You need to tip the balance a little. Don't do anything until you tell us here what you think you can do and how you intend on doing it. No shouting fits and no displays of anger.
Do you think she thinks you know? Do you think there is a reason that you SHOULD know? Like perhaps he calls her and she ignores the call when you are with her? Or something even more obvious?
Some women make it obvious in the hopes that their man will catch on. Any of this happening?
We need more insight as to what is going on.
Definitely know how betrayed you feel friend. My wife had gone off the deep end. She actually moved out, under the premise we needed space. But I found she was lying about ending her affair, and is now more available to the OM than before. And it's been hard. Gotta show tough love
I just re read your sitch and realized you haven't read The book yet. Don't do anything until you read the book. Ignore my posts until you read the book. Read the book! What are you waiting for?
Thank you all for your responses. Really appreciate it. Don't have too much time but want to say that I already confronted her last year. Confronting again will mean pushing her more towards OM. I will look after myself and the kids. It would be snooping. Invasion of privacy if I reveal the secrets.
With "Act as if" I am keeping my emotions in place. I have a history of depressions. These were already ways to keep the good feeling floating.
Just hard really hard.
So one of her recent remarks was "We need to re-connect" and she also mentioned that we could go to get MC. Shall I bring it up again and say "how can we re-connect when you are connected to OM?" Is this a boundary or an ultimatum?
Read the link on Boundaries that Cadet sent to you as homework.
Here is how I see boundaries. Look up the definition of boundary. Just as with yard or property boundaries, it is set up for protection. It keeps out bad things. It distinguishes what is yours, and nobody can step on it unless you allow it. Personal boundaries are set up to protect you, also. Protect your dignity and respect. You want to be respected, honored and valued as a person, a man, a father, and a husband. If a person disrespects you, then you are the one to act. You can't force the other person to do anything, just yourself. You cannot control another person. The action is left to you to do.
Example: "Wife, I feel very disrespected as your husband, when you contact the OM, especially from inside of our home. If you contact him while inside our home, then I will ____________".
You do not state a boundary to open the door for discussion. It is non-negotiable.
Let me caution you, that some men jump right to the "I will not live in an open marriage" boundary. Well, she is going to test whatever you say. So be very sure you can back up what you say you will do. I suggest you start with something a little smaller, until you at least get the hang of it.
Back to the example above. What could you do that shows you will not be disrespected in your own home by your W contacting OM? Sure, you can always tell her you'll D her, or leave. But think it through carefully, before going for the jugular. Perhaps you could do something else that got the message across loud & clear. Any ideas?
In the meantime, what is your plan? Are you willing to stay in the M until you know what she's going to do about the OM/affair? Is an affair a deal breaker for you?
So one of her recent remarks was "We need to re-connect" and she also mentioned that we could go to get MC. Shall I bring it up again and say "how can we re-connect when you are connected to OM?" Is this a boundary or an ultimatum?
It's neither a boundary nor a threat. It's passive aggressive behavior. You are implying your aggressiveness but through a passive question. Huge no no.
Threat:
you better not talk to OM or I will leave you<-- not effective and sets you up for her to challenge you.
Healthy boundary for YOUR mental health:
As long as you are talking to OM, there cannot be a relationship between us. If you continue to talk to OM then I cannot be a part of this marriage.
As Sandi said, it's not a question it's a statement. It tells her clearly what you won't accept for YOURSELF. You aren't controlling her by saying "stop talking to OM" you are only asserting what you won't put up with in your life, and what YOU will do if YOUR boundary is overstepped.
You are giving her the power or the option to change her behavior if she wants the positive outcome. But if she doesn't, you are protecting yourself from further damage.
Start with small ones like Sandi said. Ones that don't force you to do something you are not ready for yet.
Like:
I will not sit with you while you chat on your phone to OM. If you continue to chat with OM I will leave the room/house.
This may be a bad example because ideally you tell her she needs to step outside to even message him. She's not to have chats with him while in the marital home, out of respect for your daughter and to the sanctity of your home.
What other boundaries do you have? What behavior will you not stand for in your life?
As long as there is an OM, don't EVER ask for MC or agree to go to MC. This is the oldest trick in the book for WAW.
She will take you to MC and sit and tell the therapist all the problems with you. You won't agree with them and so you will be the bad guy. And then she gets to go on to an R with OM while feeling good in her mind that she tried.
Don't forget her conscience is killing her. She's breaking up a family. MC will help her feel better that the marriage is dead because YOU don't understand her (most common complaint from women).
No MC until there is no OM and some time passed to get OM out of her system. It's just like a drug and there needs to be a withdrawal period before you attempt to make an R with the addict.
Setting a boundary will protect me. I have also chosen to protect myself by not snooping. I wish I hadn't recently otherwise i would be able to cope easier. Very helpful explanations; I will do the homework and look around the threads to understand more.
I was protected with the boundry. I think I jinxed it. Now she wants ne to move out. I don't know how to negotiate. You will say don't leave the house. It is hard. But cant ser the kid suffer. And I am in UK. It wouldnt be considered as I abandoned. I was asked to leave. Or she will leave with kids. Maybe somebody will have some advice. Her compromise is to go to counsellor ng but OM still in question :-(
It goes one way or the other. Maybe this is as much as it gets. I don't know what I can say to avoid a temporary seperation. She tells me the last 2 years how it should have always been but adds that I am not doing anything just me being there causes issues. Again I feel I am faced with a hidden agenda. One thing is though I said out loud that she is having an affair. She told me she had never betrayed me. what did she say yes she would want a relationship with OM. I knew more but disnt want to confront. We all are keeping lies. What a world!
I am clueless. I need to start IC again. I just don't know what to do
You need to stop being such a weak male. That is why she's disrespecting you so openly. Why are you putting up with so much disrespect in your own house? If you're not kind of your own castle then your queen will look for other kings, which she is. You need to put your house in order.
How did you work over it?
TxHubby, the weakness is bothering me yes. Specifically with somebody who has dealt with depression for a long time. I have developed ways to carry on. Can't get my head out of this one. How should I put something in order?
Man up and tell her that infidelity is 100% unacceptable and WILL NOT be tolerated. You also need to know where you stand so talk to a divorce lawyer right away. If you can afford it then do initial consultations with several of,the top defense lawyers in your area. If you do that then your wife wouldn't be allowed to use them. Be the leader of your house. While you stay passive and afraid to confront, this creepy snake OM is pulling her further away telling her everything she wants to hear.
I am totally confused. Some experts say confront others back-off. I am not doing this due to passive behaviour. I'm doing it based on what to do when W doesn't admit the affair when confronted. I already have confronted her. I will be assertive and express my feelings. Reading self help confuses me more.
That's because there is no right answer. You have to assess your situation. You know your spouse better than anyone here. These sites are for guidance and suggestions on what to do but they're not gospel. I did the passive supportive thing for over a year. It didn't work. Then I gave up, rediscovered my manhood, and put my foot down. I said I don't need this. I have too much respect for myself to be treated like this. I'm taking myself out of the competition for you. Go be with your cheater. I'm done. Then I filed for divorce. It worked. It snapped her out of her MLC fog in a nanosecond. Then she became the pursuer and I became the pursued. Check my signature. We're still together. No more drama. No more MLC. You're too good to put up with this. It's not a macho thing at all. It's a self-worth, self-respect thing. She'll never respect you as a husband if you dontb respect yourself first. Nobody ever respects a doormat.
Thanks for the response. There really is no right answer.
I am totally confused. Some experts say confront others back-off. I am not doing this due to passive behaviour. I'm doing it based on what to do when W doesn't admit the affair when confronted. I already have confronted her. I will be assertive and express my feelings. Reading self help confuses me more.
Just confronting her usually doesn't do anything. She will either lie to your face, or tell you she doesn't care. The point is that you have to have more than just confronting her. Do you understand?
If you are too scared to tell her to stop, or you know you aren't going to back up something you tell her, then what good does it do to confront her?
In your case, you have already confronted her, but that's all. She lied about it. So, now what? You have tried to ignore it for a long time and it has not gone away. I understand depression, but is this the way to deal with your health issues? Do you get suicidal?
Ignore. I feel it more as limbo. Waiting and waiting. Changing and changing. At times I would go through the 180 you collated, read the MLC chapter and so on. Ignore would mean ignoring that something is wrong. Use "as if" technique to feel positive. That is a way to cope witth depression. CBT is another way. Mindfulness another. I harness these to cope with depession.
I simply don't know. Thinking too rational on emotional intelligence.
When I started to suspect my wife's 2nd EA, I decided to move out just a couple of weeks ago. I was in limbo for about 4 months before I decided to so. I would not put up with being lied to any more and I told her I couldn't be her "friend".
The way I see it, she's "sick" right now and it needs to run it's course before she'll come back. Through our baby monitor, that she never got around to disconnecting, (even after I told her to do so) I found out she got stupid drunk this weekend with her friend and they brought a couple of strange guys into my old house at 2am. Is that how a normal 40 yo mom should act? Hell no. She's a mess and she's unhappy. I don't want to be with a woman like that.
That is tough brutus3. Amazing how people behave. Emotions are really strong.
I got feedback on this forum. Consulted my old IC for a short period. I brought together courage and spoke up to my wife just before bedttime about 5 mins ago.
I brought up the OM. Rather than me to move out, said that she needed to end the affair to restore our relation. She is strong minded. She denied an affair but said that OM's words were more reassuring than mine when issues arose and said the OM was an outcome of neglect on my part. I acknowledged that and said I drew a line and apologized.
She said that she was expecting me to move out. I told that I don't feel it that way. I said I am not dangerous. She said that we needed to be apart for us to think. I said that's why I am Ok to be in another room efen though it feels like the mental ward. She brought up grievence from the past esecially during my episodes. She says I wasnt around when the kids where 0 to 3. I accepted but added that I was pushed out. She does appreciate my latest changes. She had told it to friends how much helpful I am.
Ended up on a note where counselling may be an option. She asked how I would no if she stopped the relationship with OM. I said you would show me.
I kept my ground. Avoided tear but felt [censored]. In the past, she felt humiliated by my ignorance and my mim's attitude.
So many things. There was no shouting. She was sleeping better. She complsinned about my occasional touches. I had started the conversation saying I felt sad thst she wasn'tbwith me downstairs and we needed dialogue.
I still feel bad. At least talked about my feelings.
Thank you.
She just stated that I am bringing her to the state of divorce by acting like this and not moving out. She blames me for the hardship. I said I am so n the spare room. She said let me miss you. Live out! ( I lived a year in Amsterdam and she found OM). She asked me to back off. I said I am and I will.
I said plenty. She can use my depression for grounds. I fear to be declared incapable.
For me to take the pressure off my wife.
I feel ok to have spoken out. I needed to say something.
Why am I slways bullied/blamed/belittled? She and I were careful on our words but she hurt me. The
I said plenty. She can use my depression for grounds. I fear to be declared incapable.
I think that if you are seeking help with a therapist and you can prove that you can still be able to take care of your family, she wouldn't have much of an argument to declare you incapable.
Man O'Malley, my WW says the same crud about me bringing us to the brink of D. Her A has absolutely nothing to do with it. Crazy, I tell you. She also has said that I should have moved out to allow her to miss me and give her room to think. I shouldn't have hovered around her so much and insisted on taking about our relationship so much early on but I don't regret not moving out. I also kept the MBR for symbolic purposes.
The words will hurt but, at least in my case, I think it is her trying to push my buttons. Don't let your W see the pain. Show her confidence and if you can't, do like others on this board have suggested and fake it until you make it. I wish you the best.
Do you hold down a full time job?
Thank you for the posts. I really need them. Up at 2:32. I have been waking up from my deep sleep just like swimming from the bottom of the sea up. She claimed she has been sleeping nicely since I moved out of the room.
Go reclaim your bed and get some rest. Let her have the problems sleeping. She's the one that wants to leave the M, not you.
Thanks G8r :-) I sleep in a bed not the couch. The disruption of sleep is due to mode. When I was in depression, we had gone for vacation to ease the issue. It probably was an imbalance or whatever. No major issues I was facing. Worry about the future and way of thinking. You carry your head with you. It doesn't go away.
She even yesterday said if you want me to go to the other bed I can. And I still use the bedroom and in the house keep my door open to be available/to be able to hear.
I woke everybody up, cleared up the kitchen, ironed the girls clothes while she did the pancakes. I came down took over. Helped the kids. We all got in to the car and did the school run. Last I heard from her was a "Have a good day" and she went into the underground station. I didn't text her. I tried to work.
I have to go home and face my wife. Today I can't have a relationship talk. I'm just tired. I told that I would not be leaving the house and asked her to stopped contact with OM. I am used to being ignored at home.
Should I really move out and get a room near by?
She asked if I had changed my mind again. Because yesterday I said I wouldnt leave and that she should send a no contact message with me seeing it. She said yes she would do that. I asked for proof. For her to do it in front of me. She asked me to trust her. Should I? But still she wants me out. She quickly again tried to get me out for 2 months. She said it would unstabilize her and the kids. I said you are calling it and putting the blane on me. I am ok to be in a seperate room and came late to avoid interaction. Too much negotiation.
What should I do? I suggested counselling. Should I move out if counselling says so. She accused me of keeping on changing my mind. I am merely trying save the marriage. She said she is doing the same.
I just saw her on whatsapp texting. Don't know who it is but hard to keep my cool.
She had also been saying to me lets do my way this time. If I don't go, she will (with the kids).
You are the only people who know about my stich. I am feeling dizzy.
I would never trust a WAW. I learned the hard way with my ex-wife. I played nice because she made it seem like we were going to work things out, she asked me to trust her. She cleaned me out.
Never again.
You can certainly be cordial and fair but do not trust her when she plays nice and asks you to move out. I would definately consult with a lawyer to find out what the ramifications are.
Now she says if I can work from our Amsterdam office for 2 months. I said I could say there for on off a week m. She is again putting blame on me if she moves out how hard it would be.
You will be "acting as if" .......what?
She asked if I had changed my mind again. Because yesterday I said I wouldnt leave and that she should send a no contact message with me seeing it. She said yes she would do that. I asked for proof. For her to do it in front of me. She asked me to trust her. Should I? But still she wants me out. She quickly again tried to get me out for 2 months. She said it would unstabilize her and the kids. I said you are calling it and putting the blane on me. I am ok to be in a seperate room and came late to avoid interaction. Too much negotiation.
I don't understand. She has not admitted anything and she has asked you to move out, and you tell her write a NC letter to OM and she says to trust her. Are you leaving something out? Did she agree to a NC letter, or is she saying you should trust her not to be in an affair?
She said she eould write NC but won't show it to me. Should I accept it like that?
The trouble is I have started to get racing thoughts. As going to sleep, she says tomorrow she will be looking at a place with the girls so would need time. She added if we wanted to do counselling. I said yes. She said she would cut contact with OM. Didn't confess to affair. I didnt ask either. And her last word was as I say this weekend you or I go. She is Ok with me being in Amsterdam. Of course how would counselling work? I can come at the day of councilling. I am so tired. Not sure what to do.
I feel so bad. I don't know how to cope what to do.
I am reading shodan s atich again. It was extensive butI cant find my answers.
What should I do? Another sleepless night :-(
Breathe. Focus on your breathing. Slow and methodical. With practice you'll be able to activate the vagus nerve and the parasympathetic nervous system to slow your heart rate and "calm your nerves".
Some people count or have a mantra as they breathe. Others pray. Do what you have to so that all you focus on is each breath. Sweet dreams.
Thanks G8r. You reminded me a coping mechanism for depression. I hope the right things happen.
I feel so bad. I don't know how to cope what to do.
It's normal to feel this way. I felt this way when my wife demanded separation. I literally felt like I was loosing my mind and I don't even suffer from depression. I'd wake up in the middle night with such anxiety about her being with another man and it would take me hours to get back to sleep. You will feel better, no matter how it turns out. My brother in law, who also suffers from depression and was recently separated, felt better once they lived in different homes. You will be okay.
Another day begins. Will she really see a new place? Would I need to do frequent visits to Amsterdam. But I stayed there for a year snf she found OM and I was away from them. Should I move out? Counselling and NC letter she promised to send.
At work. I was in this mood 2 yrs again. But less hopeful.
My wife arrange counselling for us. Initial consultation tomorrow. However, she still asks about my plan.
I wouldn't move out. If she's willing to do counseling and a NC letter, there might be a part of her that's willing to work on her marriage. However, she could be using counseling to reinforce her negative feelings towards you. She'll probably pick you apart and make you look like the villain during counseling. In regards to the NC letter, just be prepared that it guarantees nothing. She can always still cheat with the same guy or another guy.
Thanks. I don't also want the kids be travelling around due to W's silly attitude. And to be seen having her need to move around. In counselling she believes the counsellor will be by her side regarding the move out. No matter how bad she will make me seem, a pro-marriage counsellor should guide correctly and even ask to avoid immediate reactions. Will see.
and I sleep in a different room now and she avoids me as the girls are asleep.
No sleep is the worst. I'm not sleeping either.
At work, Im a zombie trying to keep my eyes open.
Hang in there.
Once I moved out, I started sleeping better. I'll see her posts on FB and she'll be posting stuff in the middle of the night. Obviously, she's having trouble sleeping. She looks like hell too.
Michelle had a nice article about be in love for the sake of the children. I enjoy reading it.
Today, we will go to counselling. It will be initial consultation. On the internet one article I read asked to be prepared to know how to save a marriage. I have been doing slef help for 1,5 years so I feel ok about it.
What are the experiences you had? What would you recommend?
The idea is to avoid the pitfalls that we al know is not productive. The centre is experienced in couple therapy. I don't know the individuals.
I have so many should questions.
How much of her affair should I talk about?
How open should i be about myself? Depression, my worries, my panic attacks.
What are more constructive arguments? How can we understand each other?
This morning she has been talkative. She will be travelling far but coming back for the counselling.
I was on training last week and noticed how negative/impatience I was compared to others. It was a negotiation training :-) From Gottman compromise is the key to happiness. So those negotiation rules, don't always count in relationships.
Who has managed to snap out of the horror?
The counselling session will be in 2 hours.
Anybody have any advice on first day of counselling?
Hang in there WillDo. This whole thing [censored] for all of us.
Regarding counseling, let the counselor guide you.
Thornton it finished. The tone was ok. Even the affair was out there. She did talk about my depression most of the time.
Good. When she talks, just listen and STFU.
She might say things to the counselor that you disagree with. Let her talk, because that is her perception.
So the support I thought I got when I was struggling with depression was invalid.
Sitting in the living room with her. She is watching a film (not sharing). We are waiting to watch BBC 4. The session calmed things. We heard each other.
Dont bring up any relationship talk. Just let things settle down.
I am mobile. Will try to summarise the session when at work. Basically yestrrday while watching TV, she asked me not to talk about the affair too much. I said fine as you are cutting contact. She said it wont solve our problem. Yes but a start I said. Said the same in session. How should I behave now?
W mentioned mostly how my past of depression has made her a carer and that she didn't feel intimacy.Not something I haven't heard before but reasoning for a lasting marriage is a surprise. I felt humiliated. Ongoing complaint was me being selfish and not focusing on family. For my defenses (I didn't talk about it) I was trying to increase the income and I was pulled out of family mostly by saying you can't do it, criticism. As in sandi2's rule, would n't these be not fully true. I listened carefully to all of it.
I talked about the low intimacy of the relationship and how I had been critisiced. I said that the affair had also taken the energy away. I mentioned about despite my struggles to communicate, I was getting no response.
In a sense I had a relaxed time (at least talked about it). Though my W has a cold sore. That sore was one of the signs of stress which I was able to stop it from going for a year. She suddenly brought it out.
Please any comments. I will continue to give space but should I talk about the relationship and ask what she would like me to change? I had asked and changed but not enough for intimacy.
I feel so down. I have to get something to eat. Please any thoughts?
I feel so down. I have to get something to eat. Please any thoughts?
Yes get something to eat
Do
NOT have relationship talks.
Please start a new thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2652797#Post2652797