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ouch part 5
I hope this worked. Igit here! craziness continues. this weekend I got up Saturday and planned on taking kids to pick apples at an orchard. Wife asked me why I got to do all the fun stuff with the kids. I told her she could go if she wanted! she said no she didn't want to go! Anyway plan for day was she take kids to volleyball and then I would take to pick apples. she called after volleyball and asked me what I was doing! I told her I was working and that she could take kids to pick apples! I was going to leave town for the night. she asked if she could drop eye drop medicine to me at office. I said not necessary I would just see them tomorrow.
anyway I stopped home to get my stuff to go to cabin and she was at home. asked me if I wanted to go with them to pick apples. I said no I made other plans. then I then told her something needed to change with the living arrangements. I left it at that and left. This morning at 530am when she was driving to work I sent her a text and told her I wanted to talk to her tonight. she then called> I should not have engaged in call, she started to push my buttons. I told her I couldn't be living with her while she was still involved with OM. she told me I wasn't listening to her! I didn't trust her and she was sick of it! She said she wasn't involved with him any longer! I told her I understand your frustrated by I didn't believe her! She was at his home 2 months ago and I had no reason to believe her! Anyway then she claims she wasn't happy with our M and wanted out! I told her that was apparent with A and I wasn't going to stay with her until June under the same roof. She said she wanted to work things out without attorneys. I told her then call her attorney and tell him that and find out what to do! She said she wanted to go mediation route to keep attorneys out. well what she doesn't understand is mediation is in place just know date has been granted for a prelim hearing! She claims she hasn't spoken to her attorney in 2 months. Anyway my options on this are 1. stay in home with her and continue to take kids to school and continue GAL, 2. ask her to move out and go dark with no contact, and just see her at mediation which sounds like it would start sometime around holidays! 3. me move to sisters home and go dark, let her see what a D will be like without me! just looking for feedback from vets
I worked late tonight and wife called 3 or 4 times when I didn't get home normal time. I didn't answer, she is a control freak and I need to keep GAL and show her i am going to be better than okay with out her. I love her but I am not going to wait around for her to come back.
She filed for divorce but still wants to know where you are? You've got a weird one.
Definitely she has control issues. being together for 19yrs she doesn't realize how much I do for her! She is in a lot of pain there is no doubt in my mind! I haven't given up hope! I don't want to be nasty or unreasonable in D proceedings! it just hasn't even really started yet! I am not sure what she is going to do with living arrangements! My gut is telling me not to move out! Let her if she needs to! It may help the situation as far as her seeing the impact on our families lives. I think her childhood issues are definitely a part of this hurt and pain she is experiencing! She knows I still love her and have made impactful changes in myself! Its hard to tell her anything! I told her feelings can change! Don't give up on us! But it goes in one ear and out the other!
my waw is missing the facts that I am on defense team! She is on prosecuting team. she needs to have her attorney move this along! I told her I am not going to be the wrecking ball of our family! Its all in her court
I could use some advice from some of the vets, Mr Bond, Starsky and any others. I talked to waw this weekend and told her something needed to change. I couldn't go on living like this with her. I know we had some problems in our M but the big problem is this A. She didn't say a word. The nxt day she told me I don't trust her. I reminded her that I saw her car in his garage 10 weeks ago and I didn't trust her. Not much has been said to each other this week. I have been working late and staying busy. My questions are I know she is not pushing any thing with her attorney. She claims she has not spoken to him in 2 months since I was served. Her feelings for me our not there. She says she doesn't love me anymore and I told her that was apparent to me by her actions. If A is over how long might it take to get om out of her system. She is coming into my office to train my new book keeper this Friday. Book keeper is a very good looking single 30 yr old girl. My waw was always jealous when any woman ever spoke to me. My waw may think something is going on between me and this girl. I am not interested in any other W at this point. So I hope W does get jealous. I am hoping that if A is over that she might be able to see what she has done and try to reconcile. Time will tell
Waw, went to my office yesterday to train my new book keeper. New book keeper is 32yr.old drop dead gorgeous. We have talked about my sitch and she dressed up and looked her best for meeting. My wife came home after the meeting and didn't say a word to me. I had plans to go to a function at are church and said my goodnight to kids. WAw followed me to my truck and asked if I was going to ask her how training went. She then asked if I had talked to her since she left. I told her no I hadn't talked to her and then I asked waw how it went. She said fine. I ran the idea of waw meeting the book keeper by my DB coach and she was all for it. WAw has always been jealous of any woman talking to me through out our m. I my waw is out for the day working on school project. I figured she would react one of 3 ways. 《Her thinking I am having a fling with her > 1.she be happy 2. Jelous , 3. Just keep it in and not say anything about it until later date. I think she is between 2 and 3. I need to keep moving forward and although nothing is going on with this girl, it was good for wife to think about her.
I had a great weekend with the kids. Lots of activities, cooking, apple orchard, church programs, waw took of sat.morning to work on school project. We never heard from her until today when she got home around 5. Definitely she has some anger issues, trying to get under my skin about putting a pie dish away. She is something else. I am starting to feel like we all might be better off without her in this state of mind. I think she is really getting frustrated with the kids and church activities I have them all involved in. She is showing anger,but I do think she is starting to realize that I am not the one to be angry with. I mean 17yrs m,19yrs together, 3 kids,that's not an accident, she is one that committed adultry, she is wrecking the family structure, she is divorcing me, I am mentally in a better place than she is.
Advice from various attorneys I have talked to lately:
1. Keep your a$$ at home.
2. Keep your pecker in your pants.
3. No booze
4. No girlfriends
5. Don't do anything stupid.
6. Spend time with the kids.
Sounds reasonable to me. :-)
FD
I haven't posted in 10 days. I've been seeing a positive change in wifes actions with kids. She has been staying home the last few weekends. This weekend would be 3 in a row. I have been busy with work and also with kids and church events. Really have been the spiritual leader for kids. Up until last weekend wife has been ignoring me. Last Sunday I took kids to church for early bible study before service and then they stayed after for a kids program. I came home after church and asked w to pick the kids up. She asked me what we were going to do with D. I told her I was sorry but I wasn't going to talk about it with her since I had not heard anything from my attorney. AI then said i thought the current situation needed to change that it was having a negative impact on kids. I asked her how she thought I was going to live with her until June in the same house. She said she wasn't going to leave our whome. I then mentioned her getting a teaching job and asking me to commit to getting kids ready for school and taking too school so she could leave at 6am for her job. I told her I would. Then 2 weeks later I am served D papers blind sighted. How she could expect me to move out. I then went to run errands. She called me on phone and it was not the best conversation, she blamed me for not helping her with D 4 months ago. I reminded her she was still in her Affair 4 months ago.a I wasn't going to let her do this to herself or our family when she was in this crazyness. Anyway that night she had a 103temp. Next morning kids were all sick and she had pneumonia. I check her phone bill at work to make sure no contact with om. Noticed an unusual number. Checked it out a text from om ex wife. Wife responded to the text 2hrs later. I know the ex wife and my wife were casual freinds do to D12 softball team, however not close or phone buddy. Might be mind reading a little, but can't believe the text was a good one. Who knows but it could be she found out about the Affair some how. The ex w has 3 kids with om and D is 2 yrs old. Anyway my wife has been showing signs of being more interested in me this week. Calling me 3 or 4 times during the day. More conversation at home etc. We had a kid Halloween party at school wed.night. I took kids since w was sick. She stopped by with more candy for our booth, which we didn't need, and then went to wallmart and got more. Today she called me a few times and was a lot more freindly. I want to hug her and give her a big kiss, but know that would be a big no no. I don't know what is going on in her mind or life right now for that matter. We have a big barn dance at our church this Sunday. It's always been a big thing for us and kids. I am sure the kids are going to want to go. I may ask her if she could take kids so she could connect with some of her old church freinds. I know she is in hiding from church freinds out of shame. Her words! I will keep on going and keep showing her my fight for her and family and pray that she re commits before the holidays.
I haven't posted in 10 days. I've been seeing a positive change in wifes actions with kids. She has been staying home the last few weekends. This weekend would be 3 in a row. I have been busy with work and also with kids and church events. Really have been the spiritual leader for kids. Up until last weekend wife has been ignoring me. Last Sunday I took kids to church for early bible study before service and then they stayed after for a kids program. I came home after church and asked w to pick the kids up. She asked me what we were going to do with D. I told her I was sorry but I wasn't going to talk about it with her since I had not heard anything from my attorney. I then said i thought the current situation needed to change that it was having a negative impact on kids. I asked her how she thought I was going to live with her until June in the same house. She said she wasn't going to leave our home. I then mentioned her getting a teaching job and asking me to commit to getting kids ready for school and taking too school so she could leave at 6am for her job. I told her I would. Then 2 weeks later I am served D papers blind sighted. How she could expect me to move out. I then went to run errands. She called me on phone and it was not the best conversation, she blamed me for not helping her with D 4 months ago. I reminded her she was still in her Affair 4 months ago.a I wasn't going to let her do this to herself or our family when she
Not much new to report. I had a conversation with wife on Saturday morning. We both agreed that the current situation is not working out. We talked for quite a while about alot of different things. We talked about kids, school, religion etc. When d day happened she mentioned that she had found God and had been praying for me to find God. I asked her if she could help me understand this.it didn't make sense to me.she asked me why i had not cooperate with her 4 months ago. I reminded her she was still in affair and I thought she was making lifetime decisions for her and kids and I was going to fight her on her decision to divorce until she was in a better place. She talked about moving out until school was out.me staying at home with kids. I am not going to move out that is for sure. She tells me affair is over and I would like to believe her but have no trust in her.
I'm sorry that's how things are for you.
Not sure what to do with my waw. I mentioned to her 3 weeks ago that I thought she should move out and get an apartment, and said I really wanted a plan for that to happen by that next weekend. The week went buy and she came down with pneumonia. I took care of her and kids and didn't bother bringing anything up about her leaving.she seems to be very tired both physically and mentally for the last month. I have just focused on the kids and myself. She comes home from work and has had zero energy. Has been sleeping alot and had zero energy to help with cooking and kids homework. I really do think she is fighting depression. Depression runs in her family. Today I got a call from kids school and 2 of 3 kids were sick. It messed up my work day but I picked up kids and got them home cooked lunch and dinner. I went into work at 3 and wife was home buy 330. I got home at 6 and wife was sleeping in my room. The kitchen was a mess and it looked like kids were unsupervised since I left. I had bible study at 7. By 630 wAW was down in kitchen watching me clean. She asked me if I could stay home and I told her I needed to go since I missed last week. I was pretty frustrated with the day and mentioned I couldn't do this situation until xmas holidays were over. I left for bible study and she texted me 3x about nothing important so I didn't respond. I am going to take tomorrow off and going to cabin in am for a few days to hunt. I'm convinced she is depressed but don't know what to do. If I suggest or bring it up she will think I am controlling. The more I push or bring up her leaving her attitude changes.
An update on my sitch. There has been no movement or hearings scheduled on D proceedings. My wife said she wants to get through the holidays before talking to the kids.I have been keeping a positive attitude around w. We went to church last Sunday together as a family for the first time in months. We were ushers and my w seemed uncomfortable being there. She was sitting a few feet away from me in the pew.at the end of the service I whispered to her that it was all her fault me finding Jesus. She got a smile on her face. Actually was the best interaction we have had in quite a while. Anyway I have been depressed for the last few days. My D12 and twin boys came into my room and found a box of family photos in my wife's closet. The kids and I looked at them for an hour.since then I have been depressed. I see all the love and happiness in those photos. My w has been nice to me for the most part of the last week. I think she see I am a little withdrawn and upset about something. My gut tells me she will ask me if I'm ok. To be honest I have thought about telling her why,the photos all the memories and feelings I had when looking at them.I don't know if it will make any difference but I want to talk to her about why I am depressed. There is so many things I want to get off my mind.any feedback is appreciated
Wnwb123, I am not 100% certain but I think it is. But not certain. She has been more engaged with kids. She has fought depression throughout our m. She hides it very well. For as much as she has pushed for a D, she has done zero thus far with mediation which we agreed to. I have told her as recently as 2 weeks ago that I couldn't live like this anymore and suggested she gets apartment rt away. Since then she been more freindly. Even calling me honey. First time in a long time.
I don't know. But i told her last week during a good conversation that I would always be good coparenting but I don't think I would ever be able to speak to her again. I would and have forgiven her but how she has ended our marriage I know I could never forget.
Your wife was the one who filed, right? Did you file a counter complaint? You pushing the divorce forward may put pressure on her to realize what she's losing. I don't know. Hopefully you can get some input from the veterans here.
wmwb123, yes she filed, I was served, yes I counter claimed! That was 4 months ago! We both agreed to mediation at the same time. nothing has happened! We have had 2conversations in last 3 months but I have left it up to her to move forward! She has done nothing! Now she wants to wait until after holidays to talk about it with kids! I told her a few weeks ago after a little emotional conversation to have her find a place to move to and get out! She has been much nicer since then! I just go through so much inner turmoil on this! I don't know if her moving out would be a benefit or not! I think she is fighting depression but hides it well. I am not sure she really wants to move out! I am not sure but she may be having second thoughts. Just a tuff deal rt now with so much at stake
Waw was supposed to take kids to her dad's for weekend. He has been a big negative impact in her childhood and now he has been suck ING up to her running me under the bus. She has been super sweet to me today calling me honey and all nice. Tonight I asked her what time they were leaving tomorrow and she told me she didn't want to go anymore. She seems depressed. So I am letting her be. Anyway could use some vets help
Not sure what to think. Last few days wife has been calling, texting, calling me honey. No itamacy but is looking into my eyes when we talk. She wants to cook thanksgiving for our family. We went out to eat as 2 family 2x in last week.
I have been working hard at work. At dinner tonight we had a few Margherita s and had a few jokes she was laughing hard at. As we were leaving restaurant she grabbed one of twins and gave him a hug and kiss and told him she loved him. All good, she looked at me and I asked her if she was talking to me. She laughed but looked at me and smiled. Just going to keep GAL and keep positive interactions going. She told me she was pissed at her attorney. I didn't say anything just let it go. Anyway she has a funeral to go to friday and wants to take D12.
Probably the best feeling I have had around her in months. Her brother invited us for thanksgiving. I new she felt uncomfortable, so I told her no biggie if she doesn't want to go I would take kids after dinner for desserts.I think she was expecting me to give her a hard time.
Keep it up. Do what works.
Got a little irritated with waw this morning. I just tired of her
Avoiding reality of our situation. She was all excited to cook thanksgiving dinner. This morning she asked me if I looked at her phone. I hadn't, so I told her I didn't. Anyway I decided to go for a drive. She followed me out to my truck and asked me what was wrong. I don't know if it is because of thanksgiving or what but I just told her i was really disappointed in the way she has treated me and the kids the last year. Instead of being great full for what she had, she just trashed me in every way. I was not angry but just matter of fact. I just let her hear it, I wasn't going to be her friend. She has decided to act like she's 20 and it has been a big negative on how are daughter views her. I said she can believe anything she wants and make fun of me for trying to save our m.,But I was there for the kids while she was out sneaking around and lieing and being deceitful. I then went to visit my sister for a few hours. She called me and told me it was not true, her trashing me. She was greatfull for what she has. I said no for what you had. You don't have that anymore. If you want to try and fix it you can, but I don't want to be freinds and I won't be freinds. I didn't marry her and have kids to be treated like this. Anyway dinner was great. Tonite, we are going to her brother s for desserts. She has completely alienated her brother and his family for the last yr. I think it is a big step for her tonight. I am not getting my hopes up but see a different attitude from her. I am not going to get to excited , I think she might realize that she has caused a lot of damage and hope she feels like trying to fix some of these things .
Got a little irritated with waw this morning. I just tired of her
Avoiding reality of our situation. She was all excited to cook thanksgiving dinner. This morning she asked me if I looked at her phone. I hadn't, so I told her I didn't. Anyway I decided to go for a drive. She followed me out to my truck and asked me what was wrong. I don't know if it is because of thanksgiving or what but I just told her i was really disappointed in the way she has treated me and the kids the last year. Instead of being great full for what she had, she just trashed me in every way. I was not angry but just matter of fact. I just let her hear it, I wasn't going to be her friend. She has decided to act like she's 20 and it has been a big negative on how are daughter views her. I said she can believe anything she wants and make fun of me for trying to save our m.,But I was there for the kids while she was out sneaking around and lieing and being deceitful. I then went to visit my sister for a few hours. She called me and told me it was not true, her trashing me. She was greatfull for what she has. I said no for what you had. You don't have that anymore. If you want to try and fix it you can, but I don't want to be freinds and I won't be freinds. I didn't marry her and have kids to be treated like this. Anyway dinner was great. Tonite, we are going to her brother s for desserts. She has completely alienated her brother and his family for the last yr. I think it is a big step for her tonight. I am not getting my hopes up but see a different attitude from her. I am not going to get to excited , I think she might realize that she has caused a lot of damage and hope she feels like trying to fix some of these things .
Forgot to mention during our conversation I told her she had been a great mom and a good wife. I didn't understand how she could loose those qualities.I thought those were very important to her and I was just dissapointed in her.
Forgot to mention during our conversation I told her she had been a great mom and a good wife. I didn't understand how she could loose those qualities.I thought those were very important to her and I was just dissapointed in her.
Forgot to mention during our conversation I told her she had been a great mom and a good wife. I didn't understand how she could loose those qualities.I thought those were very important to her and I was just dissapointed in her.
I'm betting she heard the criticism and not the compliment, (which was negated by the rest anyway). How'd that work for you? I'm being sincere. I'd like to know how she reacted.
I've never seen a WAS return home, B/C of hearing about how disappointed their LBS is.
I think if you'd only said the first part, it would have had more use for you.
Just my .02
25yearsmlc, thanks for the post. She asked me what I wanted her to do. I asked her to take a step back and look at all the good things in her life she has to be great full for before making a lifetime decision. I then left and went to my sister s home for a few hours. I guess I am tired. The impact of thanksgiving and seeing how this has impacted our kids, I just needed to let it out
The rest of day was ok. She does know I am frustrated. I just see the impact this has had on kids. I do know she is in a lot of pain. She has had depression her whole life. It's like she wants to leave and then we go out to dinner with kids a couple nights this week and had a good time. Help!
We have talked more this past week and spent more time around each other than we have in a long time. She tells me too admit I never loved her. I said I have always loved her. I told her all the things I loved about her, her eyes, smile, compassion,mothering 3 smart kids, etc, etc. I told her what I missed about us,. Anyway I am trying not to be needie, it just so crazy to go through so much together for 19yrs having 3 kids so late in life and to just walk away with out any effort to communicate her unhappiness
We have talked more this past week and spent more time around each other than we have in a long time.
That^^ is a good thing. Savor it for that, okay? It'll help the PMA when you begin to lose hope.
She tells me too admit I never loved her. I said I have always loved her. I told her all the things I loved about her, her eyes, smile, compassion,mothering 3 smart kids, etc, etc. I told her what I missed about us,.
While people here tend to stress the "Do Not Pursue" mantra, it's not a rule, nor should it be rigidly adhered to, in all cases. Your wife has a history of depression, and it sounds as if self esteem (the disbelief that you "really" love(d) her, for one) is a problem for her as well.
She's NOT the type of person who must be shunned or ignored, except to the extent you must do so to protect your heart. She sounds sincere in her questioning of your love.
I think your answer was mostly great.
If it were me, I'd veer off the looks aspects once you establish that you ARE very attracted to her, b/c we all know looks fade. Everyone's looks, do fade - in time.
No, It's not your job to "make" her feel secure. Don't bother trying b/c you cannot "make/get her" to feel or do something. No one can "make" another person happy or feel good about themselves. Not for long anyhow...
But another person CAN sure harm an ego and certainly there are things you could say that would do her damage. That sure doesn't help you or your cause, at all.
So your words about why you love(d) her are important. I'm glad you see that.
Anyway I am trying not to be needie, it just so crazy to go through so much together for 19yrs having 3 kids so late in life and to just walk away with out any effort to communicate her unhappiness
I doubt she sees it that^^ way. You know she's in pain so She probably feels she is NOT "just walking away" but is painfully tearing herself away from what she believes is holding her back,
And she either has communicated her unhappiness for years (well you certainly knew she was depressed for a long time, so it's not as if her being unhappy shocked you)
or she believes you "should" have known.
Regardless, let's see what is happening now.
Your position, if I understand it enough, is a delicate balancing act between
1) reassuring her that indeed YOUR love for her is real, enduring, and stable,
AND YET
2) You are ALSO showing her that you are going to be a happy fulfilled man living a good life, regardless of what she chooses.
So in effect 3) the loss would be hers, more than yours AND it will be a big loss to her....
however, 4) she can still do a course correction, and forgiveness will be given her if she merely puts in the effort and commitment.
Does this^^ mostly summarize your position/options?
If so, maybe you can jot down some things you know that do Not work, b/c it's often the case that all we can do for you from here, is warn you about what harmed our situations, versus what helped.
I Think I know some things that helped my situation, but I'm not always positive. I am fairly certain of things that harmed my situation so that advice, the things "NOT to do", is easier.
Making her feel more guilt will Not help you, imo. Remorse, morphing into shame - is rarely a good thing for the cause of marriage restoration.
Shame tends to make a person either flee (which most shamed women will choose) AND OR,
it morphs into anger at the 'causer' of the shame, i.e. the LBS...When the WAS reiterates the reasons for leaving, they are cementing them into MORE solidified rationalizations.
Hence my oft repeated line "the more you challenge her choices, the more you force her to defend those choices" (instead of objectively examining them).
I know I saw my h's guilt morph into anger at me more than once. For me, attempts at shaming him backfired big time.
My DB Coach said to avoid asking questions that are designed to make a person defensive. I never consciously did that, but subconsciously I sure did.
So questions like "How could you Do/Say X?----" OR "WHY did..." Are OFF LIMITS.
My DB coach said "those^^^ questions will immediately put your WAS on the defense, and that can = putting them on the OFFENSE, fast...and things deteriorate & escalate..."
I found that to be true.
Perhaps Giving your wife something achievable & desirable to live UP to, would be good for her/you.
My DB coach (a true Godsend) gave me the following tips:
1) Never lose your temper in front of the WAS. Leave the anger out of the room.
Otherwise you fuel their negative images of you, and you want to
2) CONTRAST those negatives, with new positives images of you. (180s undermine their negative 'data' about you...or shows that you are no longer that person...
3) Applaud loudly for the 1% of positives you see....(gives them something to live UP to);
4) Listen like a Lover = supportive, validating, attentive. Imagine them discussing a work problem and how you'd support a new friend OR lover in that conversation... (this approach would Not apply to discussions about OM/OWs, but more general topics).
4) IF/WHEN the WAS revises the marital history, and they will, you can use the following approach:
A:)) If the comments reveals they were upset AND you recall at least some validity to their version of events,
You say "I'm so sorry I hurt you. IF I had it all to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently." Learn this phrase, process it.
B:)) IF the event described sounds nothing like how you recall it, IF you even recall it,
(no matter what, do Not Deny that it happened. Your memory is not perfect & it's her perspective anyway)...
Anyhow, then YOU can say:
"Wow W/H, that's not how I recall it all, but I'm sorry you were hurt. IF I had it all to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently...."
Yes, they are nearly identical phrases (with a few key differences) but if you say them enough, they'll be heard at some point....maybe they'll be believed.
Note that
**Both answers show that YOU get the need for change on Your end. This is HUGE.
AND neither answer escalates or blames. You are not being a doormat either.
I came to believe that my m was likely over, but that the kids and I were going to be fine, anyhow. I came to believe I was a great partner & mom, & that belief radiated from me b/c I "knew" it to be true. It showed. I came to believe I'd be happy, loved and loving again, with someone else IF I chose to.
I believe but cannot prove, that at some point this caught my h's attention. Then, in a non linear way, he began to come around and see me and our married life in a new way.
I followed my DB coaches' advice (more examples or details available if you are interested) about
"Keeping the Road Home, Paved & Smooth", (her words but they resonated with me) and mostly that was done just be being warm and upbeat whenever I did have interactions with my h.
AND by Presenting the life We offered here, a warm sunny (literally & figuratively) life that had love and humor & interest within,
In CONTRAST with - whatever he was creating for himself elsewhere...
I knew he'd lose more than I would thru a divorce. I mostly felt sorry for him, not me. In your situation, I could see you feeling that way down the road. Might be alright to Not hide that...
But the bottom line is that
No WAS returns to a marriage they left....unless.....
UNLESS......they believe the marriage to you, can be better/different than before.
It's Your job to show her that^^ , with action not mere words. Can you think of some ways to do that?
I'm not suggesting anything doormat-ish, OR to overtly pursue her now, but more like some indirect ways of being self reliant, self confident and thus more attractive/attracting. Might be worth your time to ponder that and seek input.
Make sense?
Good luck and do Keep on keeping on...
25yearsmlc, thanks for taking the time to give such encouraging insight. I know I have said some things that she would take as trying to shame her. I dont mean that to be the affect but can see that is how's it's perceived.you mentioned giving her something achievable and desirable to live up to? Could you give me an example?
You also mentioned waw will not return to m unless they see marraige would be different. My wife has always been more spiritual and active in church! That is one thing she has ran away from. No church no women bible study anymore. The other morning I asked her why she has avoided church etc. She says she doesn't like the people there! It does break my heart! I have done a big 180 in my life. I have been the spiritual leader of family since this situation started almost a year ago. I have grown closer to church, God, and my spiritual side. Our kids go to a Christian school and our very active in our church. In our conversation the other morning I mentioned that our kids have been watching and it is something they our noticing. I didn't do this to shame her, but I wanted to tell her. I said it is not having a positive impact on any of kids but especially our D12. I told her I was there for our kids while she was in her Affair and protected them from it. Please give me a 2x4! I hate to say things like that to make her feel guilty but I feel like I need to say these things.
"but I feel like I need to say these things."
And did they bring her back?
Mr Bond, she hasn't! I need to ask you what you would do with the following! The kids twin S6s and D12. We had thanksgiving as a family at our home. We were invited to her brothers for desserts. She hasn't spoke to her brother in 6 months or sil in 6 months and we live 10 minutes away. I have kept my relationship with bil. They have 2 kids that are close with our kids. Anyway waw said she would go for desserts and then canceled at last minute. I took kids. My sil told me S6 asked her if she was glad that they had their kids.Other S6 got upset when mom took off to store thanksgiving afternoon to go to store without saying goodbye. His comment was mommy is leaving again very upset. I have tried to protect my kids from all this, it is just getting more difficult as I sense they know something is not rite. D12 is always trying to get waw and I to do things with me. I see her frustration. How did you handle kids situation going through your crisis.
Mr Bond one more thing.while at bil.home his wife told me S6 asked her if she was glad that they had 2 daughters. I am super close with S6 and can see he is upset with mom.He asked if he could say thanksgiving prayer before dinner. The kid said an unbelievable prayer about family and thankful for what we all have.
25yearsmlc, so wife went out xmas shopping got home for lunch. I was watching fb game in my room. W came in and laid on bed with me and watched game for a while. We ended up down in living room watching game. She sat beside me on couch. I told her I was sorry for some of the things I have said to her over this sitch. She was very sweet and told me it was ok. We held hands for a few minutes. First time since this all began. I told her I would do things alot different if I had to do it over. She was looking in my eyes while I spoke to her. Thanksgiving day during a conversation she asked me what I wanted her to do. I said just take a step back for a while and talk to each other more. So I feel she knows it is up to her and if given the chance I would be different in the future. It's all a matter of re attracting her.
25yearsmlc, so wife went out xmas shopping got home for lunch. I was watching fb game in my room. W came in and laid on bed with me and watched game for a while. We ended up down in living room watching game. She sat beside me on couch. I told her I was sorry for some of the things I have said to her over this sitch. She was very sweet and told me it was ok. We held hands for a few minutes. First time since this all began. I told her I would do things alot different if I had to do it over. She was looking in my eyes while I spoke to her. Thanksgiving day during a conversation she asked me what I wanted her to do. I said just take a step back for a while and talk to each other more. So I feel she knows it is up to her and if given the chance I would be different in the future. It's all a matter of re attracting her.
Hey Igit,
Before I get specific, can you tell me what YOU are working on, to become a better man and h to her? You spend a lot of time on her issues and her flaws but I want to know what you believe YOUR role was in this....b/c you are all you control.
You are the one here, she's not here. So we cannot 'Fix" your wife. We MIGHT be able to help you become a better h though, so can you help us, to help you?
Dig deep. Really OWN your stuff, which means face it & work on repairing it.
BTW, I DO think your friendship with your BIL, who was felt to be a rival of hers, did damage b/c it was not seen as being loyal to her.
Do you get that? Do you see why? How is your IC going?
25yearsmlc, so wife went out xmas shopping got home for lunch. I was watching fb game in my room. W came in and laid on bed with me and watched game for a while. We ended up down in living room watching game. She sat beside me on couch.
^^^ All positives!
I told her I was sorry for some of the things I have said to her over this sitch. She was very sweet and told me it was ok. We held hands for a few minutes. First time since this all began. I told her I would do things alot different if I had to do it over. She was looking in my eyes while I spoke to her.
It's a great line if you mean it. What do you mean when you say that? I don't know so I'm sincerely asking. I cannot think of anything you think you have done wrong or improperly or that you can improve on....so, what would the new improved YOU look like?
What should your wife be able to envision if she were to see you as the man she wanted/needed as her mate?
This is something you must become specific with...flesh it out and put DETAILS in the picture so you know who you want to be and so she could see it.
Thanksgiving day during a conversation she asked me what I wanted her to do. I said just take a step back for a while and talk to each other more. So I feel she knows it is up to her and if given the chance I would be different in the future. It's all a matter of re attracting her.
I would not assume that your statement is sufficient for her to believe "all will be different". Surely you have SAID things before but then not really delivered, which is what she fears.
Understand that.
HER FEAR is that by reconciling too fast and without real work on both your parts, you two will revert and the marriage you had, which she does not want, will resume.
Your actions will always speak much louder than your words and vague promises.
For starters, What are you going to DO differently?
How are your GAL activities going these days? Do you have 2 GAL yet?
Can you name 2 180s?
We hammer them^^ for one reason...they work. And yes, it's part of the re-attracting her. So is the chance that she will lose you. But don't mistake being a bit mysterious with being cold or indifferent
Some parts of DBing require a lot of balancing.
25yearsmlc, to answer a few of your questions. Our relationship with her brother and his family has been good until the last few years. We went on vacation s together and did a lot of cookouts etc. The last few years she became different around her brother. I can't say that I didn't try to fix things between them. I just didn't understand her issues with him. As far as what have I done to improve myself. When the Affair came to light and talk of D this past spring. My wife got a coaching job that required me to take a much bigger role with kids. Picking them up from school and cooking them dinner.also 12 Saturday s in a row. I really looked at myself and became much more active in our church and bible study.I had to pick up the roll of spiritual leader since wife walked away from church. Through my relationship with God I think he has humbled me. I have been consistent with my faith and know that I didn't honor or love my wife the way God intended. I do believe that a Christian lifestyle with kids is what would be different in future R together. I
25yearsmlc, also wife got a teaching job that requires her to leave at 6am. I get kids ready and take them to school in the mornings. I have gotten into shape and spend as much time as I can with kids to give waw space.
25yearsmlc, one thing she said to me was she didn't feel like I respected her. I know how she could feel like that. I would be frustrated with her and she would feel like I wasn't respecting her,by trying to fix her instead of listening and validating.
25yearsmlc, one thing she said to me was she didn't feel like I respected her. I know how she could feel like that. I would be frustrated with her and she would feel like I wasn't respecting her,by trying to fix her instead of listening and validating.
25yearsmlc, where are you hiding. Since I last wrote, I was getting kids ready for church! Wife asked if I could leave them home, I agreed went by myself. Had a hard time in church. Got home took kids back for xmas play practice. Was getting ready for a trip to cabin for a 2 day hunting trip. Wife asked me about church and I told her I had a hard time. We then started to talk and I asked her about affair when it ended. I asked her what it was she was attracted to him for etc.it started out fine! She then said she will always care about me etc.just not like before. I asked her if she loved me when we went through 8 in vitro s to have S6's she said she just wanted our D12 to have a sibling to grow up with. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I got very upset and asked her how she could say something so hurtful or do something like that to another human being. Things settled down and then she became very angry, through a chair and just screamed and sounded so hateful. I walked out to my truck and left for a few days, a trip I had planned hunting for a few days at cabin. I called her after I left and told her I was sorry for upsetting her. She was very nice and said it was ok.anyway I didn't contact her on Monday. She called and texted 4 or 5 times Tuesday to see when I was going to be home. I honestly didn't care to see her when I got back. I spent time with kids that were really happy to see me. She called a few times today but I was busy in meetings. We have a preliminary hearing Dec 29th. She doesn't know that I am aware of.I noticed it on county website. It's about temporary restraining orders. Ie..where we live during D process. Since I take kids to school in morning, since she leaves for school at 6am I think the reality of situation is starting to hit her. I have told attorney I should stay at home being kids morning care and contact in case of illness. Any suggestions from you on how to handle this situation.
So it's been 4 days since last post. Not sure what is going on in waw mind. She has been very friendly. Sunday waw best friend from church came up to me and asked me how waw was doing. She asked me to tell her she misses her. Later that afternoon I came home from a meeting and her friend was there. I came in and waw told her freind asked her to go to womens bible study that night. Anyway they talked and cried and prayed. I think it was nice she got to reconnect with her. Today waw asked me to meet her and kids for dinner. I had already made plans so I passed. WAw texted and asked if I could stop and see them. I let her know I was on other side of town and couldn't make it. When I got home from meeting w came into my room and watched tv for a while and just hung out. I am not sure what is going on. I feel like she may be coming around. I guess that would be mind reading, I don't know what to even look for if she were to want to come back. I feel like she has caused so much damage that she may not know how to come back. I have been such a doormat that I feel she has no respect for me. Any suggestions from vets
Hey igit. Skimmed over your sitch briefly and it seems your roller coaster continues! Albeit with higher climbs and falls! Hang in there buddy.
Pilot, your back! Been missing you buddy. Going to catch up on your sitch. Craziness still happening? I am doing okay! Actually I am going to be fine! I have been getting along with wife pretty well lately! More family dinners, wife talking more and spending a little more time alone with me. No intimacy but little signs of her old self. I am not sure if she is trying to be freinds. I am looking at it as a positive for now. No R talks!
I am not sure what to do with conversations with wife. We have had a few. Most recent last night. I was reading the book What a difference a daddy makes on my Nook. W walked in and asked what I was reading. Then asked what it was about. The book talks about the father daughter relationship and how it impacts the daughter with all her relationships, husband, kids,siblings, freinds. She asked so I described the jist of book. She got angry and said why don't I read about how to make a good divorce for kids. Anyway she spewed and got me upset, I let her drag me in ,I responded with she hasn't delt with her issues with her dad a banding her as a child and the effect it's had on her.
It's been anissue she hasn't delta with in the 19yrs we have been together. Anyway we calmed down and she told me I wasn't there for her when she was sick. Never was she sick with any disease, maybe flu bug, but I just validated and said if I could I would do a lot of things differently. We talked about the D process which end of month is a hearing on temporary housing during D process. I take kids to school in mornings, and pick up from school 50% of time
Her job doesn't allow her to get kids to school in am. My position is I don't want her to leave, but I am not going to live with her until June going through this, it's to hard on kids and me. I told her I didn't want her to leave but couldn't live as friends and as much as I would like to be her friend I wasn't sure I would be. That was about it. We talked for a few hours. She said she was worried that I would re marry a younger woman and have more kids. I said that is a possibility.
Seems like a totally unnecessary interaction to me. To be honest.
I haven't been looking forward to the holidays. Been GAL and focusing on kids and business. So here is a summary of the last week. My wife has been avoiding church and church freinds. We went to church together last Sunday and again xmas eve. It was really nice to have her there and could see a positive impact on kids as well.
Last xmas was really lousy, wife was really withdrawn and down right angry. This was a month before d day.
No presents or cards for me. Looking back I new something was wrong but didn't put 2 and 2 together.
Fast forward a yr. Wife made a point of letting me know she bought me a gift. I wasn't planning on getting her anything but decided to get her something small. Anyway xmas eve was good she cooked dinner and we got kids gifts together later at night.
Xmas day she took some clothes to a family from church. I thought it was a good sign since she has avoided this freind for the last 9 months.
Wife came home and wanted to let me know she had put me on her insurance when she got her new job in august. This struck me funny, since she filed before getting job. Anyway I own my own business and it does save me some $$.
We had a pleasant conversation, no R talk. We talked about her going out to see her dad and how she didn't want to go. We have had many problems with her dad being a issue in her unhappiness. Xmas night
We went out to dinner as a family and had the best time we have had in over a year. She paid me a few compliments at dinner on clothes and looks.which I flirted back but kept it light.she knows I still love her, but it is up to her to take a step to want to come back. I guess I will take last few days as a positive and try and build on that.
She has reached out to her brother and his wife the last few weeks which is a first in 9 months. I am hopeful.
Update, court hearing today. It was the first one about temporary housing etc. Original summons judge granted her home x amount of money per month. Me too move out. She told me she didn't want me to move out.so another hearing will be set. WAw told me that I could stay until I wanted and would like me to stay at least through school year. After hearing she called 5min after we left hearing. I was on another call and didn't answer. She called later and asked me to meet her and twins for dinner. I went and just kept conversation light. My attorney told me after hearing to just get through this and don't fight about little things. My wife thinks we are going to be freinds when this is all over. She knows that this is not best thing for kids or her. Almost 50yrs old and just starting a teaching career. She wants to hang out and talk like nothing is going on. I could use some vets help.
What do you feel when wife tells you she really cares about you but doesn't want to be married to you anymore. That's the conversation I had tonight. I had a long conversation with wife tonight and we shared some feelings from our marriage and what problems we had. My wife felt like I didn't respect her at times in our marriage. I validated and told her I would do so many things differently if I had to do it over. I did apologize about beating her up emotionally about her affair. She told me she was really sorry to put me through that. I feel like she is totally detached from me. She has always liked hugging me even through the past year. Tonight she gave me a very cool hug. UT feels like she is gone. I am not sure if I just need to move out and live with my sister and her family 15minutes from here. I will always care for her and all we have been through in 19yrs. I just don't know what or where to go from here.
Today my w and I talked about how to split assets etc, kids etc. She was angry when I asked her to email me what we discussed. Her attorney asked her yesterday to review a affidavit that was sent to her attorney back in Sept. He told her he needs it bye tomorrow. She called me and asked if I could get my attorney to give her until Monday. She became very angry when I suggested she discuss this with her attorney. He is reason she has no time to work on it, not me. She told me she has not been sleeping and wakes up thinking this is a nightmare.
I don't know what to say too her other than this is what you want. I didn't commit adultry and I didn't file for divorce. I am sorry if you are having a hard time with this but I can't help you with this. She then said I needed to forgive her for this that she is really sorry and hopes we can be good friends for the kids sake. She just feels like she needs to do this. I responded with thats how you feel and I just don't feel the same way. I know that the only way we could have a new marriage would be if she showed real remorse for what she has done. and withu me being her freind to be there when she needs something isn't going to change a thing. She needs to put on her big girl pants and do it on her own. This woman raped my soul with what she did and destroyed her own soul. She thinks getting divored is hard, I think that will be alot easier than living with yourself after what she has done to herself and her kids. Life is short! As you grow older and your outer beauty fades your heart and soul are what really defines who you are.
Tonight at my bible study I realized that God will work in your life in ways you don't sometimes realize.I know that he is working through me for my kids. I have said that I have found him through this crisis and wonder If maybe he found me instead. I have not made this easy for my wife and maybe she is resentful because of it. I think it is a control thing for her. She is a control freak! My wife has lost her faith and the only thing that will bring her back is too find her faith.
I do think Starsky is right and just turn it over to God, don't be a doormat and stick to your principles and beliefs and don't give in to the manipulation.I am a slow learner and could have done things alot different this past year, but the one thing I have done right is looking in the mirror and working on what I didn't like about me. This has been a very humbling experience that has changed how I look at my life and how I want to live it. Love more, hate less and be thankful for the blessings I have
Hello igit. I've been reading your sitch. Sorry it is down to the D wire for you. It seems like your W still thinks you are friends. That can be good right?
You mentioned she had an A. Is it ongoing and you're afraid of being a doormat? Then yes like Starsky says your should pull way back. Stop talking to her unless she talks to you... you know that sort of thing. Is your goal still to R someday?
Also, put some spaces between your paragraphs. It makes your story easier to read and you're likely to get even more responses.
Good luck.
Hpoirot, she claims that the Affair ended last spring however in July I saw her car in his garage.She said that that was last time that she saw him and it was to let him know that she was getting a divorce. Go figure! I have done my snooping and do believe it has been over for 3 or 4 months but I have zero trust with her. You know the saying around here, believe nothing! All cheaters are liars etc. As far as a future R with her i can honestly say that I have no interest in her current state. Do I still care about her! Absolutely! Do I still love her! Yes! But it takes 2 to make it work! We can do everything in our power to change ourselves and become a better us,but unless they do the same there is no chance. So being her freind rt now ain't in the cards. I will be a great dad to my kids and don't wish anything bad for my stbxw. But this is her journey! I didn't sign up to be a platonic freind! She lost my friendship and only she can fix that. I won't be holding my breath. I will love her from a distance anything else is up to her.
Hporoit, the one thing I said to her when she said she wanted to be freinds forever, 》As long as she considered the om a friend I could not and would not even speak to her period. He was involved in destroying her soul as well as tearing apart my heart. I will never forget that look on her face when I confronted her about affair for the rest of my life. I know I need to forgive and not be bitter and that is something that I am working on. I am certainly not there yet.
I think DB is a good site but I think us lbs need to make a ultimatum alot earlier than 90% of us on this board do.
It's very hard to do! The no beginning etc. The waw loose respect for us and feel like they were entitled to cheat because we were bad communicators ,or a number of other excuses. I think it is a combination of things but lack of self respect and selfishness is at the top of list.
Welcome to the love at a distance club. You need to get out and let her deal with being apart. Better pre-D than doing all that stuff and her realize after. Wish mine would have. Either way, she does not need to know your every move, thought, waking moment. If she wants to know that, she can be you wife. Being a friend.....a demotion....I am currently in that boat, but said prior to D, that I was not interested in her friendship. I am now proving that. Being polite, not much chit chat or contact. I feel it is working. Who knows.
Keep us updated.
Newb3, you have me thinking about what you mentioned regarding leaving a little sooner. I have been at this for a year. I have definitely detached! But I have been super dad picking up the slack for w. I am thinking about getting an apartment. I would still take kids to school in morning. But treat everything else like a D. Money, weekend's as what d would be.
I have been getting along fine with w.but she still has all conveniences of m, security, help with kidsetc.
Its been 3 weeks since my last post. Today we told the kids. My stbxw was a nervous wreck today. I wrote a suggestion for her to say too the kids.I was with her and let her do the talking. I thought it was important for her to be the one to talk since this was not something I wanted. I told the kids I loved them and that I would always be there for them. I am going to stay at my sisters house 10min away and take them to school in the mornings.the D process is still in the works and If I need to I will move back home. But it has been a year and I am in a place where I really don't want to be around my w. She is a control freak and thinks she will still tell me what to do. I asked her to give me a schedule and to stick to it. I don't plan on speaking with her anytime soon. The kids are in shock. The twins 6yr old boys are asking alot of questions. Like who wanted this and why can't we get along.
Not sure what to think of today. My waw called me today on her break at school. I asked her yesterday not to call me unless it was emergency w kids. After her 4th call I answered. She was crying histarical which is something she has not done through out this past year. I don't know what to think about it. I feel she may be realizing what she has done. I told her I couldn't help her out. She refused to see any counceling. Maybe she will look into the mirror and not like what she sees.
Not sure what to think of today. My waw called me today on her break at school. I asked her yesterday not to call me unless it was emergency w kids. After her 4th call I answered. She was crying histarical which is something she has not done through out this past year. I don't know what to think about it. I feel she may be realizing what she has done. I told her I couldn't help her out. She refused to see any counceling. Maybe she will look into the mirror and not like what she sees.
Has anyone have any advice or insight into her acting so remorseful.
I don't know if she is reaching out for help or not. It is so different from any other emotion I have seen from her throughout this sitch. I let her give the kid talk and she told the kids we were seperating. She wanted me to tell the kids and I just felt this was her decision so she should be the one to tell them. I helped the kids with all their questions and told them everything will be okay. I don't know what else I can do at this point except move forward and keep the schedule we worked out. She knows I still love her and also knows only she can change the situation.
Hi igit
It sounds like she is feeling really distressed after your talk with the kids, which isn't surprising. It's one thing knowing that has to be done - and another to actually do it and see the impact on them.
I wouldn't read anything else into her emotional state. But if she wants to talk to you about it, you can validate and acknowledge this is hard for everyone..
Toots, thanks for the message. I am sure you are right about her feelings about this. I don't know how you could feel any different unless you have no heart what so ever. I guess she is looking for me to see she is hurting too. I think that is God's way of saying D is supposed to be painful
Toots, thanks for the message. I am sure you are right about her feelings about this. I don't know how you could feel any different unless you have no heart what so ever. I guess she is looking for me to see she is hurting too. I think that is God's way of saying D is supposed to be painful
It's been a couple weeks since I posted. I have been staying at my sisters house 10min minutes away from home. I drive home during the week every morning at 6am when stbxw leaves for work. I get the kids up at 730 to take to school. I take the kids out to dinner one night during week and have had them 1 night each of the last 2 weekends. My waw has come into talk a few mornings when I get home in morning. Conversations have been pleasant no R talk. I have not initiated any contact with her. She will call or text me daily of which I respond with texts unless she ask me to call. I have been having a really hard time. It seems everyone is happy when I do call home to talk to the kids. I do miss her and the kids. I know the only thing I can do at this point is keep going dark. The D process is still not moving to fast. We have talked about splitting assets up and selling the home this spring. I have done nothing to help her with anything around home when I am there in the mornings. I look back at the past 18 months and still can't believe this has happened. The woman I married is gone. It seems so much damage has been done and so much hurt that it feels like there is no longer anything.
Latest and greatest news on my exciting weekend.
I will start with last Friday an employee asked me to go to lunch there was something he thought I should know about. Proceeded to show me some letters stbxw had stored on her laptop that my employee is currently using.
The letters were dated over a yr ago the week I found out about affair. The letters were written to him about how much she loved him, how special he was blah blah blah. How are kids would love him what a great step mom she would be to his kids blah blah blah.
The hurt and pain from this hit me like a ton of bricks. I had plans to take the kids to my sisters for the weekend. After reading this garbage I sent her a text letting know I would be bye to get the kids at 4 and also to check her email. I texted that it all made sense to me now! I sent a copy of letters
She then started trying to reach me by phone at work and mobile. I just couldn't keep this to myself and wanted her to feel my hurt.
She called and said the letters were a year ago blah blah blah. It had nothing to do with D blah blah blah. I got off the phone and sent her some text with highlights of letter about her wanting to be a great step mom , our kids loving him etc etc..
She tried to call me and I just responded by text. I didn't want to talk to her. I don't want to be her friend
I dropped kids off today at 1pm while she was at store. I passed her on the road and she pulled over to talk, I just kept driving.
She texted me telling me how much she hurt this weekend and knowing how much she has hurt me blah blah blah.
I asked her by text to let me know about settlement in writing I would pick it up tomorrow morning when I take kids to school. She wanted to talk about it. I really don't think I am in a good place right now to even see her face. I am sure there are some DB-ers on here that may have some input.
thx
Hi Igit
I'm so sorry. It's like anothe BD when these things happen and it brings back all the pain and hurt. You know that stuff like that may have been happening, but awful to see it in black and white and read all that was said. And know that a colleague had read it too - ugh. A few months ago - when I was deleting old texts, I discovered one where H had told me beforehand about a lecture he was going to with an old friend. It was only with the benefit of hindsight, that I knew on that night he was with OW.
It was horrible as he added lots of stuff about how nice it had been to see this guy and catch up and so on. It just hurts to read this stuff. BUT - do bear in mind that this is all history and it was all written a year ago when your W was probably deep in fog, lying to you, cheating and generally wayward....
Toots, your rt about it being a year ago and I didn't think it would hit me so hard. My stbxw texted me and said that she has been hurting all weekend for the hurt it has caused me.
She said he is not a good friend etc. She says it breaks her heart to see me going through this but doesn't change her feelings about us. She will always be a strong mother for the kids and hope for the best.
She wants to be freinds? How do you respond or act from this.
Friends do not do this $hit to friends...
Waw has been calling me today. I have not answered her calls.
The letters I read friday were written a year ago. She is texting me to tell me she never sent them. They were just feelings she was dealing with.
I texted back and questioned what she was doing with her car parked in his car in July.
This just opened up all the memories of the lies and deception. I don't know what to think about it or even what I believe at this point.
How she could expect me to be freinds is hard to understand. As much as I would think it's a possibility , too much damage has been done to our friendship.
Her actions of the past year with not only me but her friends, her family, my family is just not something people just get over with.
I hope that she will have what it takes to try and repair some of theserelationships. I would like to hear what some of the DB friends suggest
Hey igit. I have not had a chance to check up on your story, but I hope it is going well for you...whatever well for you is.
Pilot, I am doing well my friend. I moved into an apartment a month ago 10 minutes away. In my mind I have let my waw go. It has been interesting to say the least. My waw senses this and we have had some nice conversations. No D yet there is a hearing in July. I have been pushing for a mediator and set it up for our 1st visit next Friday. The kids are doing well and I spend a lot of time with them. .met a very nice lady a few weeks ago at another church I dropped in on a few Sundays ago.. life is good right now. I like the way my life is going. How the heck are you Pilot.
It's been 3 weeks since I last posted. Updating my situation. I have been living in my apartment for 6 weeks now. I have been living life as if I we are moving forward with D. We have a schedule in place for kids time.
I have been paying temporary support until a settlement is in place. I have been focusing on myself, kids and work. I have avoided stbxw unless she instigates contact.
We have been working on a settlement without courts. I initially was taking a strong position but recently became more accommodating and anxious to get this over with.
My stbxw has recently been calling and concerned about how I am doing. My response has been I turned it over to the Lord and am at peace with
She has told me she is feeling guilty. She has always tried to play tough so this is something new. I did mention that I could only control myself, I should have bit my tongue but said I thought she was making a mistake and that she would regret what she has done someday.
I don'tknow why but I feel like she is looking for sympathy and she needs to see this is her bed and she needs to sleep in it.
The nxt few weeks I will be on a few trips and be away for 7 out of next 14 days
She will be with kids for 2 straight weekends. I do think it will be hard for the kids as I take them to school daily and won't see them while away. I still lovemy wife but the damage that has been done is something that only she can repair. I am not sure why but today I feel more in control of my life than she does of hers.
More Journaling here. Yesterday I mentioned stbxw crying on the phone and telling me how she was feeling guilt. I pick up our kids in the mornings and drop them off at their school. This morning my daughter 12 told me that mom had a meeting with her teacher yesterday. Apparently the teacher was letting her know that our daughter was being dropped to the lower math class do to falling behind in her homework. Teacher also made mention of concern for daughters emotional state of sadness. ..Wife took offense and disagreed. .
We also have twin boys 7. One of the boys asked me to sign a paper this morning in his folder from school. .the paper was for bad conduct last week from his teacher. I am getting the feeling that kids are in a state of turmoil with all the disruption to their life.
The waw common comment is I will be a better parent if I am happy. I don't think they realize that they are trading in a set of problems for problems much worse. .any comments from vets would be appreciated. .
Not sure what to think about recent developments
Waw called me today and wanted to talk. She went to work and then took day off. I told her I could meet her at 130 that I was busy until then. She showed up at my office at 9am. We went to the park a few minutes away. She said she has been wanting to talk to me for a while but I have not been available. She said she was feeling guilt that she didn't know if she could live with. She said she wonders if she should try and make it work. if we should stay together for the kids. I was suprised to hear this from her. She asked me how I was doing.
I told her good I was going through a lot of pain but the Lord has been helping me through it. She said her relationship is over with the other m. I became a little bit bitter and mentioned that the Affair was not a good thing for her and I had zero respect for him. Anyway I mentioned a lot of damage has been done and only she can repair it. I wasn't sure how I feel about her and that no one is going to feel good about a D.
She said she was glad I kept relationship with her brothersfamily. I didn't want to sound like I was lecturing I just said lifeis to short to mess that up for kids sake. .She is going to help me with some of baseball team s emails, organization etc... I hope she feels like she can talk to me without me lecturing.
Sounds like a promising development igit. I hope some of the old timers here chime in with some wise words for you as I know your brain must be completely scrambled right now.
Keep posting and let us know how it is going.
Pilot so glad to hear from you. I have pretty much moved on and at peace with myself, then Today has been a different kind of day. I had planned to take D12 to her track meet after school. WAw asked if she could take her that I could get twins from school and meet her at track. I got to track and she told me her dad was coming with his wife. I have not spoken to either one of them in over a year. I had a good relationship with both of them. I don't think they new I was going to be there. I was standing with twins and went up and gave them a hug and said it was good to see them. My fil.was a little choked up and didn't know what to say. Mil was a little cold but warmed up as track meet went on.
I hung out with boys most of meet and wife came and sat with me for a while. It's probably the most comfortable she has been around me. I caught her through out the meet looking at me. I took one of twins to my truck for a while and she came to hang out with us. Sitting with a friend of ours he made the comment that I carry myself with confidence anytime I am around him and that gave me a boost.
My waw senses I have moved on and I think it bothers her. This was the first time since I moved out that we have done anything together. Definitely the best interactions in a long time. I think I will be available if she wants to talk. I am glad she is going to help with baseball team. Anyway any advice or comments from vets would be appreciated.