Will post link to old thread when I can work out how to do it.
But thought of something tonight .
You reads lots about affairs dying and becoming booring after they are exposed etc .
But in my situation W is continuing A in secret even though she has left the family home . I Think she is doing this to try and not upset or alienate the kids and MIL.
What if OM is getting her to continue like this to keep the affair going ?
But I suppose the man question is that the A might not never end if they always keep it secret .
Do the kids know about the A?
Hi south. You seem really down of late and thinking a lot about your W and OM. Again I am far from an expert but your W has made a decision and that's out if your hands. You can continue to torture yourself daily about it or you can TRY and deal with it. Thinking about makes it worse TRY to put your mind else ware , any ware. Your W did this to you but now your doing it to yourself every day. I honestly hope she realises what she lost and comes back to your family but you have to deal with your feelings. Its horrible and nasty what she's did t and she has no excuse for doing it , none but it's happened you don't deserve this but you have to follow the. DB and DR but also try relaxation tapes or the like. Elkhart tollle is very good look at you tube. I feel your pain every day but my W is not my master , I am I love her but she cannot hurt me forever. I will get through this. With or without her. AND SO WILL YOU. Keep posting but let's hear a litle bit more of how you are finding ways to deal.with it. Again South, I and alot oif others on here and feeling your pain , take care buddy
Do the kids know about the A?
Yes they both do.
Hi south. You seem really down of late and thinking a lot about your W and OM. Again I am far from an expert but your W has made a decision and that's out if your hands. You can continue to torture yourself daily about it or you can TRY and deal with it. Thinking about makes it worse TRY to put your mind else ware , any ware. Your W did this to you but now your doing it to yourself every day. I honestly hope she realises what she lost and comes back to your family but you have to deal with your feelings. Its horrible and nasty what she's did t and she has no excuse for doing it , none but it's happened you don't deserve this but you have to follow the. DB and DR but also try relaxation tapes or the like. Elkhart tollle is very good look at you tube. I feel your pain every day but my W is not my master , I am I love her but she cannot hurt me forever. I will get through this. With or without her. AND SO WILL YOU. Keep posting but let's hear a litle bit more of how you are finding ways to deal.with it. Again South, I and alot oif others on here and feeling your pain , take care buddy
What doesn't help is son saw her for an hour last night and his first comment to me was that W is so blatantly seeing OM still .
It appears kids are so much better at detaching than us adults.
Don't be so sure that your S has detached. He may be just keeping his emotions bottled up. I know my daughter does.
It drove me crazy because she seemed so calm about the situation, and I had to ask myself -- am I the only one who cares and is upset about the dissolution of my family?
But then eventually her emotions come pouring out.
Be ready to listen and support when that time comes.
Don't be so sure that your S has detached. He may be just keeping his emotions bottled up. I know my daughter does.
It drove me crazy because she seemed so calm about the situation, and I had to ask myself -- am I the only one who cares and is upset about the dissolution of my family?
But then eventually her emotions come pouring out.
Be ready to listen and support when that time comes.
I will do.
Think my S is angry at times but one of my 180s with son is saying I love him very day and also asking him how his day has been and generally just being there for him and talking to him . Which I have seen such a change in him and I know he said to his sister he likes how close we have become.
Shame it took W his mum to leave to make this happen .
I was such a fool not realising how bad our R was.
With regards D I believe she is in a bubble where she doesn't really understand what's happened . Only the other day she was talking about me and W going halfs on her big Christmas present . I was thinking no way and thinking it was Ws idea then it turns out it was D idea.
S thinks the same that she doesn't really understand what's going on.
Who does she not want to know about the A? If she is keeping it a secret, there must be somebody she doesn't want to know.
What is most important that would cause her to hide the A? (Her reputation, public appearances, influence, avoiding gossip, etc.)
Who does she not want to know about the A? If she is keeping it a secret, there must be somebody she doesn't want to know.
What is most important that would cause her to hide the A? (Her reputation, public appearances, influence, avoiding gossip, etc.)
The kids have told her they want nothing to do with her if she ends up in a proper relationship with the OM.
And MIL feels the same .
So the W is keeping it secret for a few months and then going to make out they have fallen madly in love and in a proper relationship and hope that by then the kids and MIL will accept it .
I am aware of this plan due to snooping when she was home for the 2 week trial .
Finally done something I've wanted to do for years and kept putting it of.
I've Signed up to a yoga and meditation class .
Wish me luck .
I've haven't been this active for years with circuits and know this class wonder what else I can do ?
Hey, good for you! Have you ever read 25yrs list of things she did to get a life? Wow, you have to admire her.
Have you ever thought about volunteering in something? It doesn't have to be any "organization", just something where you see a "need" in someone's life. What need seems to pull at your heart's string when you know some person doesn't have that help in their life? It is something to consider.
My heart has always gone out to the elderly. Many of them are trying to stay in their homes, but they don't have help around the house like they need (yard work, running errands, small paint jobs, etc.) You may have such a person in your own neighborhood.
Update
So no contact from wife appart from text on birthday . I did get reply to text about how cost was getting on.
it's been over a month and not sure if I should start initiating some form of contact .
Kids are old enough to have there own contact but was disappointed yesterday when W knew daughter was ill at home and she text her in the evening to see how she was . Not really how you would expect a loving mother to behave. It's almost like she is a WAW who also walked away from her kids .
Hi. South the universe will sort her out !!!! Just a quick post might cheer you up. My W sold her volvo on Sunday it was a top of the range cross country version. Old but a lovely car. She rushed out on Monday and bought a very basic Honda. Nice car but not a patch on the volvo. She came over last night to show me and kids and the look of disappointment on her face was classic. I know I should not be happy BUT I have been in good form ever since. I know this post shows I'm not the most mature of men but it did feel good !!!! Take care buddy
my W cant even afford to buy a car let alone run one on her own. we used to share the family car which i have all the time.
its a bloody pain sometimes as i have to drop of and pick up kids from the MIL all the time . something that id sooner not do for fear of seeing W .
Makes me think somethings not right why do i have to do all the picking up and dropping of but the option of making the kids walk is not something i would do to them.
having to deal with a big fallout with my kids at the moment . my 18 year old son hates his sister who is 12 and it just causes so much trouble . trouble i really could do without.
think son is in a bad place as his biggest ally his mum isnt there to back up his rediculous reactions to his sisters humming or singing or listenning to music on her ipad.
tyring to give him space to sort himself but he really does have it in for his sister at the moment. suppose it doesnt help that his mum has only seen him once since she left over a month ago but has seen his sister every week and sometimes twice a week .
he is score keeping on how many times they have seen her .
this has become worse since i backed away from trying to get them to initiate contact with there mum.
Hi mate. I have a 19'year old who freaks every time his sister 13 sings dances etc. I just try to calm him down by explaining that his sis will turn it down as a compromise. It normally works but I try to nip it in the bud. Not sure if it's M situation or just teens. Hard station buddy but we have the kids so who's the real loser ? I also keep the kids doing things together but playing cards watching movies ( on Star Wars at the moment ) and having a set night for things. Still gets tense but is keeping us going so far. Take mate. It can only get better (. I think)
Rd500
That's what had been happening the last week no problems or arguments and D had been making an effort to keep her music low to not annoy her brother .
But after a whole week one silly moment and back to square one but going to try again or I could just do what my W did and just walk away and take the easy option.
I realise my S is feeling very lonely at the moment and that he really misses his mum and I suppose the longer he goes with not seeing her and no real contact then he will get more upset/angry/lonely and I've just got to try and be there for him and be peace keeper between him and his sister. Tears in my eyes as I realise how sad he must be . Gonna give him a big hug when I get home from work tonight I think he needs it.
The mind of a WAW is gone and not just for me but my kids also.
My D is ill and needed to go to doctors today so I just sent a txt to W and said she had a virus and doesn't need antibiotics and the reply I got was "ok"
Surely expecting a bit more than just "ok" maybe even a hope she gets better soon.
So I'm starting to think that it's not just us LBS that are walked away from but also the kids .
The W made it very clear she was done with family life but I wasn't really expecting this sort of situation . And then hear from MIL And Ws sister that she is missing the kids so much its killing her .
Things don't add up . But do they ever in the mad world I find myself in.
Hi south. Seems you have it worse than me. My W comes home most days and stays on e a week. She has girls on Friday night and brings then home sat. She was home last night a spent this morning at breakfast crying and telling me her problems. Dooooh.
The mind of a WAW is gone and not just for me but my kids also.
My D is ill and needed to go to doctors today so I just sent a txt to W and said she had a virus and doesn't need antibiotics and the reply I got was "ok"
Surely expecting a bit more than just "ok" maybe even a hope she gets better soon.
So I'm starting to think that it's not just us LBS that are walked away from but also the kids .
The W made it very clear she was done with family life but I wasn't really expecting this sort of situation . And then hear from MIL And Ws sister that she is missing the kids so much its killing her .
Things don't add up . But do they ever in the mad world I find myself in.
South- this is par for the course - My 3 year old has been to the dr. 4 times since separation and all I ever get in response from H is "ok". I made a similar comment on my thread about a month ago and one of the older posters pointed out that its very possible that they miss the kids, but not the grind of the daily routine.
Its rough on the kids for sure, and difficult to shield them. I think also WAS don't want to think of themselves as a "bad person" so its easy to give lip service to missing the kids a lot.
Hang In There
Hi south. Seems you have it worse than me. My W comes home most days and stays on e a week. She has girls on Friday night and brings then home sat. She was home last night a spent this morning at breakfast crying and telling me her problems. Dooooh.
W sees daughter for one hour on a Friday they go to costa together and then once every 5 weeks she stays at MIL with W for the Saturday evening and I pick her up on the Sunday afternoon.
To be honest I like it like that as kids keep me busy and sain.
Not sure what will happen if and when W gets her own place which will most probably be a bedsit . Suppose daughter will stay with her a lot more but not sure how that would work out financially for my W as she will have barely enough to live on herself .
Once again something W didn't think about .
Feel like sending W a text telling her to make more of an effort with the kids but realise that's not my job anymore .
Hate being in limbo land . Wish W would be upfront but then I'd expect I'd still hang in there waiting for her to change her mind and see sense .
Sleeping
I'm ok when I goto sleep but after about 6 hours I wake and the can't get back to sleep.
Does this get any better . It's a pain waking up at 0530 every morning .
I am using Passion flower tablets but it's once I wake up my mind starts thinking about things and then I can't go back to sleep . I realise that my kids are the same .
I've been awake since 3:30 a.m. Same thing. I just can't stop my mind from racing and trying to figure everything out. I think probably the only thing, besides medication, that might help is time. It will take time for the anxiety to pass and for things to feel normal and right in our lives again.
South74. Sleeping is tough I used to be head hit the pillow alseep but know lucky now to get 2-3 hours without waking. You seem to want to wait for your W to return. You are a very strong individual. It would be easier to cut and run. Keep working on you and see how it develops. At the moment my wife is going from ice queen to crying about her problems and Iife. It's a tough station and if you decide to stand then that's your decision With my kids I try to keep them away from the details of W"s friend as she is still their mother and when they look back in 10 years they can make there own minds up It kills me that I can't tell them how I feel but they are kids so they come first. Take care
Sleeping
I'm ok when I goto sleep but after about 6 hours I wake and the can't get back to sleep.
Does this get any better . It's a pain waking up at 0530 every morning .
I am using Passion flower tablets but it's once I wake up my mind starts thinking about things and then I can't go back to sleep . I realise that my kids are the same .
Yes - it get better. I complained about this a month ago and got some great advice which unfortunately got wiped away in one of the board purges. The one that worked for me was thinking of something else before I go to sleep - that seemed to help with the middle of the night waking. Of course when something new hapens in your sitch, I think its natural to go back to the no sleeping bit.
Thanks everyone .
My son just stuck his fingers up at his mum when we were picking up daughter .
He really is in a bad place . Gonna sort out some me and him time and things to do .
Can feel my fingers slowly letting go of the rope .
Not for myself but my kids .
I can't bear to see them in so much pain anymore .
S attitude towards his mum is very worrying . Even my mum and dad commented on how lonely and sad he looks .
D attitude is a bit better but don't think it would take much for her to end up like her brother .
Why does my W not see what she has done to her own kids .
And what winds the kids up is her constant posting on Facebook but then having no contact with them .
It like W is finding happiness in a virtual world but doesn't know how to in the real world .
South -- It sounds like many of us are in the same place (just read rd's thread). The truth is, after awhile, it's hard to see why we should want these people who lie and cheat and cause pain back into our lives. Maybe that's part of DBing as well. Regaining our sense of self and becoming a better person. But once you do become that better person, it's hard to want to be with someone who is totally broken and not improving themselves in any way.
Honestly, it's liberating.
My H is also seeking happiness in a virtual world. I hope he finds it, for my daughter's sake. I'm glad that I can find happiness no matter what my circumstances.
Even now, I think I'm actually a bit happy to be moving on with my life. I don't know where it's going, but I know I'll be better off (without him, most likely).
Well said, Ahoy. Do we really want these people back after all they have done to hurt us? Why? I believe in commitment, but not to the point of long abuse and disrespect.
I just pray that someday my ex will feel some empathy and regret for how much he has destroyed me. I was a good, loving and supportive fiancé. He will never find someone who will try as hard as I did all these years.
Ahoy
I think I'm getting to the liberating point .
I keep thinking how could I possibly even consider having her back in the house after what she has done and also how my kids would be very hostile towards her .
My problem is how do I let W know that I'm done when I am . Do I just text her or arrange to meet her to have a face to face chat . Or do I just keep being patient and hope that this feeling changes and she stops being so distant with the kids .
Am I wrong to allow my feelings emotions to be influenced by the kids
South, it doesn't sound like you're 100% ready, so there's no harm in waiting. You can wait to see if your emotions stay the same. You will know when you are really done. I think it's hard for us to separate our emotions when it comes to our kids. It's not wrong to be influenced by those emotions -- it's natural. You don't always have to act on them right away. Better to rely on your rational mind.
South. Hi mate. I completely agree with Ahoy Time give it time make no decision until your are 100% certain I am feeling the same but my W if know.by my actions and not words If your W is having a MLC then wait till your sure you don't want the R Your still raw from how you post so detach detach and then see how you feel. Keep strong for you and your kids As a wise man once said this to will
Hi South
with all the support you've been giving me on my thread just thought I'd pop in. Sorry to hear how difficult things are at the moment. As you know I didnt have the issue of anyone else "pulling" W away (unless you count MIL!) and S is with W so I wouldnt dream of giving an opinion on those aspects. Understand the sleep problems though, W used to comment on my being able to sleep anywhere, if tired I'd just drop off and be out until the alarm, not anymore now its a struggle to drop off and awake like you at all hours.
I'm not the best one to comment on options right now as you'll know I found more dumps under the dumps that I was down in, all I can suggest is keep doing what you're doing, you obviously are doing everything you can and then some for your kids and even if your S doesnt pick up on that at the moment you're letting him know you care on a daily basis and that you're there for him.
One of my 180s with my S is not just setting up things I want to do and bringing him but trying to do things he wants and going with him (different than just taking him). I know in your case he's actually an adult which is a far cry from my 9 / 10 year old (who varies between being 4 and 32 in attitude!) but is there anything you could arrange to go away with him on a trip or some away-days to have a change in scenery and remove immediate stress? Just a suggestion obviously, once my moving is sorted (if it ever is) Im planning on a trip to Alton Towers (theme park for those of you in the US although you do have much better ones
)
As always thinking about everyone on here, if nothing else we know we're not the only ones in the world going through this, even if it feels like it.
Cheers
Ed
Hi south. Just looking at this again. Why do you feel the need to tell her your done? What will that achieve? Whether your done or not will that really change what you are doing/need to do?
If you really need to say it then do so in a letter (which you burn rather than give to her) or in a post on here.
Otherwise focus on you and your kids. You were the first to say it to me so let me hold that mirror up. Be a man only a fool would leave and if she doesnt see it then she's a fool and you deserve better.
If you really need to say it then do so in a letter (which you burn rather than give to her) or in a post on here.
Just to agree with this, I had so many times in the last couple of weeks where I imagined W was here and talked and talked until my voice went regarding the things I cant say to her in person at the moment (confused the cats if nothing else). I also tried the letter writing idea myself but stopped as it was really upsetting me rather than helping and I was afraid I'd be too tempted to send it.
Cats make good soubding boards - Sometimes 'meow' is all the response what I've said dignifies.
Cats make good soubding boards - Sometimes 'meow' is all the response what I've said dignifies.
Same here but in my case I believe it means, "that's nice dear, now what about my dinner!".
Cats make good soubding boards - Sometimes 'meow' is all the response what I've said dignifies.
Same here but in my case I believe it means, "that's nice dear, now what about my dinner!".
Lol that's all cats meow for is dinner .
Otherwise focus on you and your kids. You were the first to say it to me so let me hold that mirror up. Be a man only a fool would leave and if she doesnt see it then she's a fool and you deserve better.
I was saying that to myself at circuits last night in my head to keep pushing myself . Did the trick .
My problem is that I'm not likely to see W for her to see my changes .
Here's a question .
Months before my W started her affair she got us tickets to go watch war of the worlds musical as a birthday present for me .
When she left she said I could have the tickets and take my daughter instead .
Just seen an advert got it on the TV and feel like giving her the tickets back , because I can't see how I can enjoy the show while thinking she got the tickets but has left .
Please someone tell me to grow up and just take my daughter and have a nice time .
South, grow up and take your daughter and have a nice time. Who cares how you got the tickets? Take advantage of them for a special time with your D.
H and I have a set of tickets to the local NBA team. You'd better believe that I'm going to take my kids and cheer as loudly as anyone. All the more fun that H paid for them.
What rppfl said
Thirded. Take your daughter and enjoy the time together
Hi South, I saw the first tour of that at Bournemouth back with W years ago, it was brilliant (if overly loud I thought but thats the BIC) go, dont worry about the hows and the whys, go.
If you enjoy the album (you DO have the album dont you?!?!?) then you'll love that performance.
No one would have believed....
Cats make good soubding boards - Sometimes 'meow' is all the response what I've said dignifies.
Same here but in my case I believe it means, "that's nice dear, now what about my dinner!".
Lol that's all cats meow for is dinner .
Cats are also brilliant role models for detaching.
Study your cat, take notes and apply.
You probably don't need to do the same amount of licking though.
My response to that would probably get me straight back into moderation
I refrained from saying anything. But now that you did......
In fact, you guys are killing me on a couple of threads this afternoon. I need to go do school pickups now. Thank goodness.
Well my cat is presently asleep under my armpit upside down with a big grin on her face and her legs akimbo belly in the air.
I know who I wish I was right now, although the food can look a bit grim
Thanks everyone .
Lol at the cats .
Just got back from my first yoga and meditation class which was amazing . Especially the subject which was the heart and feeling and love and that it all starts with yourself and making sure you have feeling and love for yourself before anyone else so was very enlightening .
I think 'finding my inner cat' might be the title of my next thread.
Glad you enjoyed the yoga
I think 'finding my inner cat' might be the title of my next thread.
Glad you enjoyed the yoga
Maybe we should all become like cats lol. They look at your with such contempt but then meow and pretend to love you for food . And they definitely only sit on your lap when they want to .
Might get a cat to replace my Ws one which she currently has . I'd love to get a Maine coone .
I think 'finding my inner cat' might be the title of my next thread.
Glad you enjoyed the yoga
Maybe we should all become like cats lol. They look at your with such contempt but then meow and pretend to love you for food . And they definitely only sit on your lap when they want to .
Might get a cat to replace my Ws one which she currently has . I'd love to get a Maine coone .
My next thread might be something like "emptying the litter tray"
A Maine Coone. They're like small tigers aren't they?
Is the meditation part of the yoga? I go to yoga on Monday evenings.
All the chakra stuff and saying 'om' feels kinda funny to me. I'm more of a science type of person and I don't recall chakras beig part of biology. I still enjoy it but, well it's still weird as well.
I go to a mindfulness session on Wednesday evening as well which sort of dovetails nicely. More meditation and thinking about being in the present and how thoughts are just that, thoughts.
A Maine Coone. They're like small tigers aren't they?
Is the meditation part of the yoga? I go to yoga on Monday evenings.
All the chakra stuff and saying 'om' feels kinda funny to me. I'm more of a science type of person and I don't recall chakras beig part of biology. I still enjoy it but, well it's still weird as well.
I go to a mindfulness session on Wednesday evening as well which sort of dovetails nicely. More meditation and thinking about being in the present and how thoughts are just that, thoughts.
yes maine coones are massive cats.
and the yoga meditaion is an hour and a half long with one hour spent on yoga and the last half hour relaxing and meditating.
its something ive always wanted to do and just havent bothered but the new me is a doing me instead of a thinking about it me.
Currently I have 11kg of stripey ginger cat demanding second breakfast. He definitely knows all about being self assured and setting boundaries.
Just started yoga myself and I have to agree the meditation made me a bit self conscious but no more than the fact I appear to have the flexibility of week old bread.
Maybe we should all become like cats lol. They look at your with such contempt but then meow and pretend to love you for food . And they definitely only sit on your lap when they want to .
Might get a cat to replace my Ws one which she currently has . I'd love to get a Maine coone .
I think I'd rather be a dog.. If you can't play with it, hump it or eat it then pee on it and walk away!!..
was interesting at yoga last night because i was still aching from doing ciruits the night before but i persevered and got through it all if a bit gingerly at times.
all this GALing is getting harder to fit it all in .
That's a good thing. Less time to worry about R stuff.
Yep, too true Jim.. My GAL is picking up now I have a bit of stability (kids around and familiar faces).. Loving it!!..
Cant wait to get back to my swimming, havent been able to while I had the bug thats been kicking me for two weeks now and I really have felt the difference in my mood!
Cant wait to get back to my swimming, havent been able to while I had the bug thats been kicking me for two weeks now and I really have felt the difference in my mood!
Got to try and smash 80 lengths mate .
I try swimming but always get tingling in my hands lol . I find I just swim with my arms breast stroke which maybe my problem .
Hi South
well may need to work back up to my 73 / 80 of the other week been a few weeks now.
Tend to do front crawl but in the public pool I tend to swim without kicking, do have nerve damage in my leg (bike accident years ago) which makes this more comfortable but its connected to my frame at 6'4 tall with a ~2 foot shoulder span and 3 1/2 foot from my feet flat on the floor to my hips too much effort and I'll start drowning people!
Not really much going on appart from W saying to D that she should change to my doctors as the doctors my kids use is her doctors .
The more insane things she says the more I think she is MLC and should I wait and hope she comes out of it and realises what she has done.
Not just you mate, not just you. Check out my thread as I wont hijack yours but every time I think we're on an even keel and heading in a direction (not reconciliation - just a straightforward direction) my W decides to go at right angles.
Hold on in there.
Ed
And in a parallel universe ...
Not even sure it's parallel - that would almost be predictable.
What to do.
My D has just been with W but then my D ditched her to be with her friends in town .
Then comes home and asks can I stay with mum tomorrow night .
We have no agreement about custody etc but I'm reluctant to agree because it seems a bit short notice and D will be round there next weekend when I'm working nights .
Help what should I do . Worried I'm just doing it out of principle or maybe a boundary I have set myself about requiring some notice about where daughter is staying
South- earlier in your thread didn't you say D was having a hard time with her mom (all the stuff about who was going to go to her showcase?). If this will improve relations between them you should allow it - just set the expectation that she shouldn't always expect to do this on short notice.
That's what's causing problems . D was supposed to spend time with her mum in town but instead went of with her friends after spending only 30 minutes with her mum.
And then asks to stay over tommorow night .
I did say to D that what she did was wrong and that she was supposed to spend time with her mum.
D is aware that she can't just drop it on me about seeing mum and the same goes for her friends especially for sleep overs etc . I just asked for a few days notice especially when there is no proper agreement .
I think it's best for D to not be able to pull strings to get her own way and also learn about boundaries.
For instance next week she may or may not be spending a day with her mum depends on what day W is free . How can I plan anything with such up in the sir attitude .
This time I'm putting my foot down which to be honest is a 180 for me and saying no.
Was planning to take daughter to the cinema so will just carry on with my plans .
It's get better .
So I'm working today and need D and S to go to W for dinner she is staying at MIL and she has told kids they can't because she is going to a works piss up.
So much for her I will drop anything to see you both .
Anyway kids have made other plans with friends and relatives .
This is one crazy circle
Hi south. Think you hit the nail on the head. CRAZY. How can they change so much. Sounds like you are doing the best you can. Keep strong for the kids , have them be able to look back in 10 years and say you acted correctly at all times. Take care
Rd500 it truly is crazy .
Working out next week with the kids and they are arranging sleepovers with friends etc and then daughters says "I'm supposed to go shopping with mum one day but I'm busy all week" .
Felt like saying to her that she will have to cancel one of her sleepovers to see mum and then thought I'd better not say anything . It's hard but need to let them sort this out themselves .
Hi South. Yes mate. Seems they have convinced themselves life will be better without us and most times I hope it will be but the little devil on my shoulder whispers that he hopes she crashes and burns. ( figuratively of course) lol
My W text me last night to " check all ok ". And then just phoned 10 mins ago to tell me she didn't sleep and proceed to have a 10 minute call about how well I was looking after kids. I often wish she would detach abit more to make it easier for me.
I can tell from your posts you will continue to hold I and that's incredibly strong of you take care
I think that all the time I don't know what W is doing I will be strong and stand in hope she may come home one day .
I feel I need to do it for myself and my kids .
Kids are happy and so am I at the moment so limbo doesn't seem so bad .
Think it helps that I'm not aware if W is with OM or not .
Only issue is waiting for W to possibly drop the bomb that she is in a full on serious relationship with him , and then having to deal with the kids being upset all over again .
Limbo limbo limbo
I did but sometimes it what you dont know cat hurt you and currently I don't know so it can't hurt me .
Might be lining myself up for more hurt but at the moment I am happy with life .
Well it's been a few months and I'm struggling with dropping the rope .
I feel like I could be waiting for ever .
I have no idea what my W is doing or thinking .
She has become more distant with the kids . It's half term this week and she has made no attempts to contact or even arrange to meet or see kids this holiday
South it has been 3.5 years for me. I struggled at 1st really bad. One day it just goes away. Not 100% but it does get better. I think that if you stop waiting for her you will feel better. Many who reconciled had trully moved on with their lives. Not saying to lose hope. Just live your life. Make yourself happy cause only you can. The more you wonder what shes thinking or doing the longer you will hurt. We all did the same thing. Some still do even after years. Br kind to yourself
Son went to IC today and when talking to him afterwards he mentioned that when he told counseller that he had not had much contact with his mum that the counsellor mentioned that it could be because she is spending a lot of time with OM and that she feels bad and having no contact is her way of dealing with her new relationship .
So I'm wondering if she will eventually cut contact altogether with the kids .
My son seems a bit happier since seeing the counsellor which is good .
Hi South
sorry to hear things are rough for you at the moment, the one and only things I console myself with regarding my S is how resilient I know he is. It kills me that he has to be and why my W cant see the damage and stress she's causing to us, to him but I can only hope she does realise and wants to try again.
My thread got locked but theres a new one if you want to pop by.
Eds new thread
South.
Glad your S appt with the C went well - and its good that he knows that you're there for him. Just keep being a good dad and you'll be alright.
Thanks guys .
One BIG positive from all this is my relationship with my S has never been so close and good .
So W is going to dinner tonight with some of her work colleagues so can't have daughter for the night .
I'm at work tonight and it's good that daughter is old enough to stay on her own.
Seriously how long do I put up with having to deal with an upset daughter because W has more important thing to do than seeing here own daughter . This after a whole week of no contact and no attempts to spend any time with either of the kids . It was half term last week.
This is insane especially for the people who want to see there kids and can't .
South, I'm so sorry that your W's behavior is impacting the kids. It's so hurtful, and there's nothing we can really do about it without being labeled the bad guy. Be glad that your kid is seeing a C -- I can't get mine to go right now.
On the one hand, I envy the fact that you get to spend as much time with your kids as you want, since your W is checked out; on the other hand, I know that that situation is not in the kids' best interest. They do need to know that their mom still loves them and chooses them over anything else.
My H chose to have his GF overnight and gave up a day with our D14; he is also missing the teacher conference to go visit her. He tries to make it up to her by being the "fun dad" and doing lots of activities with her (which he NEVER did before). I guess I should be grateful, since it's good for D14, but it does pain my heart in some ways.
Thanks ahoy .
Thing is daughter is mind reading and assuming that her mum is spending time with OM over seeing her.
Ohh well daughter has planned her evening and I'm only a 15 minute drive away.
Well it's been a few months and I'm struggling with dropping the rope .
I feel like I could be waiting for ever .
I have no idea what my W is doing or thinking .
How do you actually see the concept of dropping the rope? Did you ever play tug of war? What happens to your opponent if you suddenly let go of the rope? What do you do after you drop it? Do you stand there, watching and waiting? Do you try to figure out what your opponent is thinking or what they may do after you dropped the rope? Do you pick it up again and start furiously pulling?
Seriously how long do I put up with having to deal with an upset daughter because W has more important thing to do than seeing here own daughter . This after a whole week of no contact and no attempts to spend any time with either of the kids . It was half term last week.
How long do you put up with it? IDK, what can you do about it? What are your options? You can't make her be a good mother if she doesn't want to be. That's not really your job, anyway. Your job is to what you can to take care of your daughter and help her get through this ordeal. Finding her a good counselor or pastor/priest to give her guidance. She really needs someone who is not emotionally involved. In the meantime, you develop a stronger bond with your kids and try to give them as much stability in the home you possibly can. Their lives have been shook to the core, so they need some security from their father. Instead of seeing anger in you, they need to see you focusing on them and making a home for the three of you. The anger you feel toward their mother can hurt your R with them. You may think you hide it, but they can tell.
It is so tough! But families can survive. Be their lighthouse. They need to see how a strong man handles these crises in life. Be the role model for them to know how to pattern themselves. You can do it.
Thanks sandi2
I am learning .
Had a brief exchange with MIL and kept it very brief . I'd normally start pouring all my emotions and what I want in the future and also how this whole thing is affecting the kids to her in hope that she may help . When I have done this before it has backfired with me the messenger getting shot .
It sounds to me like you're still holding onto that rope.
If you had dropped it, you wouldn't be waiting and you would be bothered what WAW was doing or thinking.
As I understand it, it's not a technique, it's the end game which in some cases actually gets a WAS to realise what is happening and come around.
I do feel for you and your kids though, your wife seems really lost in the fog. I hope it gets better for you.
The two of you were literally just kids when you got together, weren't you? Did she have other boyfriends before you?
Yes she did .
Fair enough she has left me but not the kids also .
This is causing so much trouble between my son and daughter because W has seen daughter more times than son. I'm not joking in 2 months she has seen son twice and my daughter. 6 times . 5 of them were just for an hour in costa .
Hope she comes to her senses soon before it's to late
Maybe the 18 yr old needs to consider his sister is still a little girl. He has a right to be upset about his mother, but he should be mature enough not to battle his kid sister over her seeing mom more than him! Have you thought about having a man to man talk with him?
Yes I have explained to him that he is an adult himself and as such should start behaving like one .
To be honest after that chat he has been more behaved and less abusive towards his sister .
I mentioned to him something that someone posted to me that it was just him his sister and me and that we had a roof over our heads etc.
Just hard trying to keep him in check when I can see things set getting to him..
Going to circuits with him tonight so some good father son time as he really enjoys circuits and lets him burn of excessive energy and anger .
Thought things were going to good 2 weeks and no stupidity . Vent alert
Then Massive bust up with kids again .
Apparently D was humming so S starts playing musc loud and were supposed to be going out .
We get in car S has headphones on and tapping floor to beat of music . D then bangs floor to get him to stop .
We literally get a few hundred meters down road and I'm turning car around and going home .
I'm done can't cope anymore crying my eyes out . Full time job full time house money is tight and then I've got to be the referee between the kids .
I'm seriously thinking about throwing S out as he just escalates everything and the stupidest things trigger him.
I can't hold this all together any more I'm crumbling . How can I have a life when I can't leave kids together in house for fear they will argue .
I feel like a prisoner
Aaaagggghhhhhhhhh.
That's tough South. But ... you just have to hold it together. Sorry, there is no alternative. You have to have another chat with your son.
I know it's easy for me to say, but I reckon you know it anyway. Come on man, breath in shallow and out long. You can do it, you can be strong. Go and see some fireworks. Thinking of you.
Old Dog xx
Can you get your S some therapy?
I'm sorry. You're not alone.
Hi South. Sorry you going through this tough patch. I can only offer my humble opinion but you need to have a man to man with S. He's the adult , sitch is tough on everyone but you all need to pull together. Reading your posts it seems , like us all, you are up and down. For the kids you have to be up , your their rock , their lighthouse , your the parent who's there !!!! You have to man up. ( easy for me to say ). You have no choice. It's sh1t but it is what it is. Your children need you. Set down ground rules for them both and stick to them. Again. I am very far from an expert so please take what you want from this post. I feel your pain but WE have no choice Keep strong buddy. Take care
Not sure I can add anything to what's been said. But here's wishing you well. Its tough but you'll be fine.
Thanks everyone .
He has just started seeing a counsellor .
He went out but I made home come home so we could talk.
He had a bad day at college , he said 4 hours of writing . I did explain to him that the course he was doing was a lot of academic stuff and he said but it's hard with all the [censored] that's been going on . I asked him what he meant , wasn't sure what he was referring to and he said mum leaving .
I nearly broke down infront of him but held it together and replied that we need to all stick together and that his attitude toards his sister makes it hard for me when I've got to be a referee all the time .
So hope we can all hold it together for another few weeks and hope no more flash ups .
Really feel like sending W a text thanking her for messing up not mine but also her own kids life .
It's a real shame that W has no idea of the impact of her actions . I would have her back home right know if it meant my son would settle down and do better at college .
Times like this when I want to use OM as a punch bag .
I haven't taken my kids out to watch the local fireworks for fear she maybe there with him .
Wish I could erase her from all our minds .
Hi South. Sorry you going through this tough patch. I can only offer my humble opinion but you need to have a man to man with S. He's the adult , sitch is tough on everyone but you all need to pull together. Reading your posts it seems , like us all, you are up and down. For the kids you have to be up , your their rock , their lighthouse , your the parent who's there !!!! You have to man up. ( easy for me to say ). You have no choice. It's sh1t but it is what it is. Your children need you. Set down ground rules for them both and stick to them. Again. I am very far from an expert so please take what you want from this post. I feel your pain but WE have no choice Keep strong buddy. Take care
I just don't have the heart to set ground rules for fear of upsetting the kids . I'm trying to keep everything like it was before .
Yes I realise that's impossible but I'm trying my hardest for them both .
It does seem the threat of taking there gadgets away does the trick for atleast a week.
But how do I stop daughter from humming and son not having some fit over it .
South. That's great ( not the punch bag stuff !!! ). You did really well. Forget W in this. You dealt with it fantastic , especially holding it together in front of him. Be the ROCK that he can always lean on. Your first post in this was hard to read , this one was great to read and shows you are able to deal with this crap. It's not easy but well done mate. Take care
Setting ground rules really helps them understand that you're there for them. This is your opportunity to run your family the way you believe it should be run. Taking charge that way will bring you closer if you do it in a a loving and supportive way.
It's tough on the kids, I know. I'm with you.
And for Petes sakes, take them to the fireworks! She's the one who should be hiding, not you & the kids.
Hi south. Just saw your reply. It is tough to set rules and I stress I don't have the answers but I explanation to my crew that I am their dad first and friend second I love to be thier friend but we have to keep things straight around the house and that includes our relationships with each other, so if that means I have to lay down the law so be it I get a lot of sulks but normally get the result in the end
Again, far far from an expert
Take care mate
Fastest ever got in car and drove to local viewpoint to watch fireworks . Thanks Maybell for the kick up the arse.
Next year back to blowing the garden up .
Excellent. I'm glad you went.
Can you give your son some responsibility for looking after your daughter? It may give him a different view of the dynamics of your family.
Setting ground rules really helps them understand that you're there for them. This is your opportunity to run your family the way you believe it should be run. Taking charge that way will bring you closer if you do it in a a loving and supportive way.
^^^This^^^.
There is nothing wrong with household rules. Don't be one of those dads whose kids run wild because you are too guilty/lazy/sad/insert_favorite_word to upset them. That does them no favors in the long run.
You already knew that, though, didn't you?
Glad you enjoyed the fireworks.
Setting ground rules really helps them understand that you're there for them. This is your opportunity to run your family the way you believe it should be run. Taking charge that way will bring you closer if you do it in a a loving and supportive way.
^^^This^^^.
There is nothing wrong with household rules. Don't be one of those dads whose kids run wild because you are too guilty/lazy/sad/insert_favorite_word to upset them. That does them no favors in the long run.
You already knew that, though, didn't you?
Glad you enjoyed the fireworks.
I'm scared to be honest that if I do start to put rules in then they will run to there mum.
I did out a volume restriction on my daughters ipad and explained to her why and the first thing out of her mouth was what have you done to brothers things.
Talking to son yesterday and I realised that my kids have very little in common and hardly talk or communicate .
So I'm working on ideas to try and resolve this which in turn should make them both a bit more tolerant of each other .
I understand that getting an 18 year old boy to talk and be civil to his 12 year old sister is going to be one hell of a battle .