So, I just started to DB. On Monday, I realized I did want my husband back, and was willing to really give it a go instead of just saying "whatever happens, happens". I still get mad and angry about the things he did, but my love still shines through.
That being said, we have been talking the past 2 days and it's been nice. We don't talk about the divorce or our relationship. I have been initiating the texts the last couple of days, and decided that I was going to stop today and tomorrow (I will be seeing him this weekend). It was very hard, and I'm a rather clingy person, so I would want to text, but then text someone else. I also kept busy and took a long nap. I was shopping this afternoon when out of the blue he text me asking how everything was, and how our son was doing. It made me very happy. Maybe he was thinking about me, or maybe he wasn't. I'm just taking it as he was thinking about his son enough to text me to see how he was.
I'm not getting my hopes up and expecting this to work, but I'm expecting it to make me a better person. I love my husband, and he "loves me, but is not in love with me". We had problems in our relationship, but I see them as totally fixable. In fact, I was going really well, but then I found out he was having an affair.
I lost my mind and went crazy. This person you see now, posting about good things isn't the person I was a month ago! So, all ready making progress. I think she's still apart of the picture, but I know nothing will come of it. She lives in VA, and we live in TX.
He hasn't seen our son in a month, and I wanted to be mean and keep him away longer, but realized that wasn't what was best. It's best that we can have a great relationship. He's agreed to go to counseling, so I'm excited about that. I know, Michele doesn't recommend that, but I've talked with the counselor and asked her how she felt, and she seemed indifferent. She thinks that with good communication anything can happen. But my husband and I have different parenting styles, so I think we really need to go.
It's going to be a long haul, both mentally and physically. We live 4 hours away from each other. We are getting divorced where he lives, and I thought about moving back in with him to make it easier on me, but decided against it as it probably wouldn't be best for our relationship.
I am very thankful for this website, and my family. There are other divorce support groups I've been doing online, and I'm so thankful I found this! I truly love my husband, and I will not give up on us no matter what.
So, I just started to DB. On Monday, I realized I did want my husband back, and was willing to really give it a go instead of just saying "whatever happens, happens". I still get mad and angry about the things he did, but my love still shines through.
...I have been initiating the texts the last couple of days, and decided that I was going to stop today and tomorrow (I will be seeing him this weekend). It was very hard, and I'm a rather clingy person, so I would want to text, but then text someone else.
...when out of the blue he text me asking how everything was, and how our son was doing. It made me very happy.
...I'm not getting my hopes up and expecting this to work, but I'm expecting it to make me a better person.
...We had problems in our relationship, but I see them as totally fixable. In fact, I was going really well, but then I found out he was having an affair.
...I think she's still apart of the picture, but I know nothing will come of it. She lives in VA, and we live in TX.
He hasn't seen our son in a month, and I wanted to be mean and keep him away longer, but realized that wasn't what was best. It's best that we can have a great relationship. He's agreed to go to counseling, so I'm excited about that.
I know, Michele doesn't recommend that, but I've talked with the counselor and asked her how she felt, and she seemed indifferent. She thinks that with good communication anything can happen. But my husband and I have different parenting styles, so I think we really need to go.
It's going to be a long haul, both mentally and physically.
...We are getting divorced where he lives, and I thought about moving back in with him to make it easier on me, but decided against it as it probably wouldn't be best for our relationship.
I am very thankful for this website, and my family. There are other divorce support groups I've been doing online, and I'm so thankful I found this! I truly love my husband, and I will not give up on us no matter what.
Good for you! You sound like you are doing a lot of great things. First, you did a really great 180 by not being clingy and texting him. He had to react differently to the "new you" and so he texted you and you liked that. Way to go!
Now keep it up and figure out another 180 in your behavior. That will force him to change how he interacts with you and hopefully that new change in the status quo will also result in more happiness for you.
You really haven't talked about GAL which is another key to the DB concepts. You need to work on Getting A Life or GAL, so that you become the best you, you can be, a fascinating woman he will want to be with.
You are right, don't use your child as a wedge. In fact, your child really needs extra support right now. Disrupting his friends and life by moving would be a very bad idea. Also moving in with your H until the D is over is probably not a good idea, but you know that.
My suggestion for you would be to focus on your son and his emotional health, then yourself through GAL. Then work on another 180. Then see where life takes you. Remember that you can not force your H to do anything. All you can do is change yourself, but often that is enough to make others change, but ultimately you H needs to change himself.
Good luck
Did you ever read the books?
Hi, thank you for commenting!
Yes, I just started reading Divorce Remedy. I'm on step 5. It's very hard to see what I did wrong, and how to fix it, or see that our problems were simple problems everyone goes through. I want to fix it, but I can't b/c he wants nothing to do with me.
We didn't talk all day yesterday, and he texted me this morning asking about our son. He then asked me about when I started my new job, and about child support. So, I guess it's good he's taking an interest in something other than our son? Which, was one of my goals. It's like the more I don't text him, the more he texts me. I'm happy that he at least is interested in our son. I also am letting him have his 1st and 3rd weekends. It's going to be hard for me, but maybe he will see that this is the new reality and that he doesn't like just having his son on the weekends.
I am starting to GAL. I start a new job on Monday, just part time, but it'll be good to get out of the house and not have my mind on the D. Also, I'm a really crafty person (or I try to be), so I think I'm going to get really good at it. There's a couple of craft shops around here, and it would be great if I could sell my stuff!
thank you all for the comments and support! It's very hard to say I want to save my marriage. My family support me getting a divorce and moving on from my husband. But, this is my life, and I want to do the best for my son and myself, whether that's with him or not.
Also, he agreed to go to counseling for co-parenting rather than work our relationship. Should I take him up on this, or not go at all? As I stated before, our counselor we were going to before is indifferent to if we stay married or not, and agrees that great communication could lead to anything.
I'm a little hesitant because it is so way away and will be very hard to manage with my young son. Am I looking into this as something more?
The past few days have been rough. I really don't have any support to save my marriage, and it makes it difficult when my own husband doesn't even want to. Feeling very emotional today as well. I called my husband last night around 12:30 about 6 times ( a big no-no, I know). I also called him this morning and asked him to call me when he could. He called me. I don't really know what I was going to say, but I know I was going to beg him to take me back. But, instead of doing that, I just told him I didn't want to talk about what I wanted to talk about anymore.
I wish I could say that I was good and I stopped our entire conversation there, but I didn't. I texted him asking how he felt about us and if he thought we would work out. He told me that he felt it just wasn't for the best. I acknowledged and confirmed his feelings and thanked him for being open with me.
Although I messed up, I still handled this better than I normally do. So, in a way I guess I did a 180? Maybe more of a 90 or 45.
I am really starting to question why I am doing this, and feeling like nothing is really going to help. I know I'm going to end up divorced, and it's awful. I truly think my husband is happier without me. I guess I need to be happy without him.
Confused and emotional today. Hope tomorrow is better.
My plan is to not talk to him until Thursday to discuss where we will meet to drop our son off. I hope I can do it. I just have to fill my days with stuff to do.
Today went well. I stayed very busy with my family and my son. Did text my husband to ask about the other half of the child support he is suppose to give me.
He told me that he would pay for 1/2 of daycare and child support. He said he was only to give me the other half of my child support b/c he paid the van payment. I just okay thank you, even though I wanted to argue about it.
He told me he would pay for the van, child support, and 1/2 of daycare. I mean what he did was fair, but it's not what we agreed to, and I feel like he's backing out. I guess I should be lucky to get anything since this is not in writing yet, and we haven't even been to court.
Still having hope that I can save my marriage, but am very excited to be GAL, and thinking down the road of a future without him, even though it's not what I want. I have to move on and support my son whether he wants to around or not. This is hard, but I am starting to accept it. I hope things turn around, and I hope the DR works for me. Still miss and love him every night when I lie down.
Hi Emily,
I am sorry for the situation you are in. The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach today. You will feel so much better knowing that you do have someone in your corner supporting you in saving your marriage & keeping your family together. I agree with one of your previous posts regarding counseling together. Please watch Michele's video regarding "When Couples Therapy is a Bad Idea" Sounds like that might be what you experienced.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXTMw85jpks&feature=youtu.beDivorce Busting coaches will give you the best guidance on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
..Yes, I just started reading Divorce Remedy. I'm on step 5. It's very hard to see what I did wrong, and how to fix it, or see that our problems were simple problems everyone goes through.
...I want to fix it, but I can't b/c he wants nothing to do with me.
We didn't talk all day yesterday, and he texted me this morning asking about our son.
....It's like the more I don't text him, the more he texts me.
....I am starting to GAL. I start a new job on Monday, just part time,
....I called my husband last night around 12:30 about 6 times ( a big no-no, I know). I also called him this morning and asked him to call me when he could. He called me. I don't really know what I was going to say, but I know I was going to beg him to take me back.
...I texted him asking how he felt about us and if he thought we would work out. He told me that he felt it just wasn't for the best.
...Although I messed up, I still handled this better than I normally do. So, in a way I guess I did a 180? Maybe more of a 90 or 45.
I am really starting to question why I am doing this, and feeling like nothing is really going to help. I know I'm going to end up divorced, and it's awful. I truly think my husband is happier without me. I guess I need to be happy without him.
....I just have to fill my days with stuff to do.
First of all, you are starting to understand things, but you really need to read and study the DB book. What you are going through, no matter what you think has happened to others. In fact when you do some of the right things like "detatch" as a "full 180" it bring results that you like. Let that sink in. Really try to be consistent. Whether it is raising a child, training a dog or dealing with a freaked out husband, consistency is important. You should know that.
So if you are going to do this, do it right and don't be clingy. You know on some level it doesn't work. Your own words, if you read and understood them show it doesn't work.
Second, I think that trying to save your marriage for both you and your child is a worthy goal. Unfortuntately it is hard work that will be required of you, consistency on your part to really SHOW him that you can change and have changed and are not the same person he decided to leave. Even if you are up to it, it still may not work, because you can't make, beg, plead or bargin him to do anything he doesn't want to do. Still with hard work and changing yourself you can force him to interact with you differently and possibly in a better way. Very little in life that is worthwhile is easy, so don't play the part of a victim. Take control of your life and do those things that you can to make your life better for you and your son.
Now getting a part time job is a great first step in GAL! However, GAL is much more than that. It involves making you a better and more interesting person. It involve you doing a make-over on you. Have you ever seen the TCL TV show what not to wear?
You may want to imagine you are in your husband's shoes and think about if you would be more interesting if you lost weight or got in better shape. One of the things you could do is figure out some physical activity to do with your son. This could be going to swim class together, jogging together (even if he was an infact they have jogging strollers), bicycling together two to four times a week.
Exercise is a great way to cut down on depression. A well thought out GAL physical activity with your son could even help him and help grow the bond between you and your son. A side benefit, might even be that when he is with his father, he will tell dad about the neat and interesting stuff his is doing with mom.
GAL is not just filling up your day with stuff, it is doing things that will change you and your situation for the better and make you a more interesting (and desirable) person to your H (or the next person in your life).
As to wondering why you are doing this. Well that is a question for you. You said you wanted to do it for your son and to make sure you can look at yourself in a mirror and said that you did everything you could to save the marriage. Those are really worthwhile goals. Children of divorced parents have a much harder chance of having a marriage that doesn't end in divorce. Divorce is one of the things that can eaily destroy a families finances and that in turn creates problems for the children of such families. Again, if you are only going to try Divorce Busting because its "easy" or you do it half-heartedly, your chance of success is much less. But what you do is your choice, just as what you H does is his choice.
Good luck to you in whatever you decide to do. As someone who has been close to divorce in a very long term marriage, I know that many of the DB principles work and work well when applied consistently for a long period of time. GAL that transforms you in a way that your spouse can not ignore can produce incredible results in they way they view you and interact with you. The same with consistently applied 180's.
"This person you see now, posting about good things isn't the person I was a month ago!"
What did you change?
"It's very hard to see what I did wrong, and how to fix it,"
Put yourself in his shoes. What did he complain to you about? What did you argue about? No M is perfect. There mush have been something.
"or see that our problems were simple problems everyone goes through."
You may have thought of them as "simple", but he didn't. That's something you will have to understand. It's not about you. It's about him.
"I want to fix it, but I can't b/c he wants nothing to do with me."
You said you read DR, right? Then you should know that fixing the M isn't up to him. You can do it alone.
Thank you for the responses!
The reason I am having such a hard time with this is b/c I don't know who to DB in my M. I know that sounds weird, but a good part of the reason my husband & I seperated was b/c of his daughter, my step-daughter. Should I do the 180s and everything on him without focus on him? Should I just DB him? This is confusing.
Also, I have not texted my H all day, and he texted me asking to Skype with our son. I said I didn't know. I gave myself time to make the appropriate action. I did let him call him (skype was acting up), but let my son "talk" (he's only 16 months old) to his father, and did not speak to my husband. When we were texting, he told me was excited to see his son this weekend and hoped I wasn't going back on my word to bring him (we live 4 hrs apart). I told him that I had made plans for the weekend and that I wasn't. Was this a bad move? I thought it would be good to show that I as moving forward and not just sit at home like I normally do on weekends. Going to look my best when I go see him.
I really do want my M to work, and I guess it's hard since the contact is so limited. But when I heard m H on the phone, I knew I wanted to be there with him. I miss him.
I went for a run with my son today. It wasn't long, but it's a start. Mostly, I have to get him adjusted to being in a stroller and jogging like that. We went for a walk after dinner, so I really am trying to be as active as possible with him and to lose weight.
I read some more DR today, and it inspires me to save my M. I love this website and the support I have.
I'm up step-5. I had to take a break and stop wrapping my head around so much! It's frustrating to read this book and see where I went wrong, and know how to fix it now, but not being able to b/c my Husband doesn't want anything to do with me. I think that's what depresses me most. But I will take it a day at a time, and stay focused on my goals.
I hope my goals are good. They're very simple.
1. Get my husband to text me something that is not about our son. (He kind've did that today, so I'm happy about that, but I want a little more)
2. For my husband to call even if he ONLY talks about our son.
3. Talk to me face to face about my weekend plans (I am seeing him next weekend).
I figures these are easy weekly goals I can expand on weekly?
Try to stick to one thread.
Your goals should be things that YOU can control and not have anything to do with him.
Like I will go for a walk every day at 5PM.
I will read one chapter of my book each day.
OK?
The reason I am having such a hard time with this is b/c I don't know who to DB in my M. I know that sounds weird, but a good part of the reason my husband & I seperated was b/c of his daughter, my step-daughter. Should I do the 180s and everything on him without focus on him? Should I just DB him? This is confusing.
Also, I have not texted my H all day, and he texted me asking to Skype with our son. ....I did let him call him (skype was acting up), but let my son "talk" (he's only 16 months old) to his father, and did not speak to my husband. When we were texting, he told me was excited to see his son this weekend and hoped I wasn't going back on my word to bring him (we live 4 hrs apart).
...I told him that I had made plans for the weekend and that I wasn't. Was this a bad move? I thought it would be good to show that I as moving forward and not just sit at home like I normally do on weekends. Going to look my best when I go see him.
...I went for a run with my son today. It wasn't long, but it's a start. ....so I really am trying to be as active as possible with him and to lose weight.
You are getting good advice to focus. To respond to some of your questions.
DB is for you and your spouse. If your H is controlled by his daughter, he is not going to be either a good father or H. You can include her in what you plan for your 180's, but the focus is on your marriage and what you can control. You can certainly do things to rebuild your relationship with your stepD and become a fascinating person and perhaps role model to her.
GAL is about you and making you a better and more interesting/fascinating person in the eyes of your spouse and the world.
Isn't it great how "not texting" and not being communication clingy is working out for you. Really think about how much of a change it is making. Let that encourage you in your other DB efforts. Celibrate your successes as small or brief as they may be.
He has a right to see his son and you have a right to some freedom. Going out this weekend is not wrong. What are you planning on doing? Is it going to make you a more interesting person to your H? Is it going to make you a better person? You could always sign up at the last minute for a 5K fun run/walk to help raise money for a charity (walking 3.1 miles should be doable, maybe not running it if you haven't trained, but walking it). You could see if there is some kind of group activity you could be part of, say a neighborhood clean-up, food bank gleaning/harvest activity, dance class, etc.
Yes, look good for him when he shows up, but remember that at this phase you want to detach, you can leave him wanting, but you need to keep your distance until he realizes that you are not the same person he left. He needs to understand that and make changes in himself. Until then, don't throw yourself at him, beg him or plead with him to come back to you. You want the situation to change for the better.
Good luck and try to be consistent in how you implement your DBing.
So, my husband called me and told me that our divorce hearing is set for the 24th. This made me panic. He also said that he was feeling depressed about not being there for our son. I encouraged him to tell me how he was feeling and that I understood, but did not pressure him. I did call him and tried to tell him that I have changed for the better whether we stay together or not. He didn't hear me b/c my phone kept going in and out. I told him I would call him when I got home, but thought that I shouldn't, so I just texted me and told him that we shouldn't talk anymore tonight and I will text him on Thursday to set a drop off date.
I think if he wouldn't have dropped the hearing date, I would have handled myself better, but I panicked. That means we only have 10 days together left as husband and wife. I could hear it in his voice that he wasn't happy, so maybe his depression over our son is a step in the right direction.I'm just afraid that if I don't tell him that I'm willing to work it out he'll forget. But then I think that I've all ready told him a thousand times all ready, so he knows.
I went to the nail salon and got some nails and my eyebrows waxed. That made me feel better about myself, and I know it's different from how I normally look, so i expect my husband to take notice. (I mean my family did, so he certainly should). I made some new goals, b/c I guess those were my relationship goals. It's very hard to determine if I should remain silent or say something in the situations sometimes.
Trying to get my 180s in check and do them. Plan on making a list and implementing ASAP. I keep praying, and I know this is working. I just hope it works in time before we split "officially".
Been doing good today. I bought a new book ( for pleasure) and a work out dvd. I thought both would be great for days I'm off work. Also,went to the animal shelter and got a puppy for my son and myself. He is very cute. I named him 'Ranger'. My son is going to love him. He seemed calm and gentle.
Other than that, haven't done much today. Talked to my husband this morning about our son. Haven't told him we got a dog, or intend to.
I'm not sure what's going to happen in the future, but I'm liking where I'm going. I still love my husband and hope he come around. Just stay the course!
I think I'm done. I am so mad at him and it doesn't feel like we will ever be back together. I just want to move on and have the best life I can for my son. There's just too much hurt that we need to work through. He doesn't want to try, so no way that we can ever get through it.
Taking a break for a little bit.
So, my husband called me and told me that our divorce hearing is set for the 24th. This made me panic. He also said that he was feeling depressed about not being there for our son. I encouraged him to tell me how he was feeling and that I understood, but did not pressure him. I did call him and tried to tell him that I have changed for the better whether we stay together or not. He didn't hear me b/c my phone kept going in and out. I told him I would call him when I got home, but thought that I shouldn't, so I just texted me and told him that we shouldn't talk anymore tonight and I will text him on Thursday to set a drop off date.
I think if he wouldn't have dropped the hearing date, I would have handled myself better, but I panicked. That means we only have 10 days together left as husband and wife. I could hear it in his voice that he wasn't happy, so maybe his depression over our son is a step in the right direction.I'm just afraid that if I don't tell him that I'm willing to work it out he'll forget. But then I think that I've all ready told him a thousand times all ready, so he knows.
I went to the nail salon and got some nails and my eyebrows waxed. That made me feel better about myself, and I know it's different from how I normally look, so i expect my husband to take notice. (I mean my family did, so he certainly should). I made some new goals, b/c I guess those were my relationship goals. It's very hard to determine if I should remain silent or say something in the situations sometimes.
Trying to get my 180s in check and do them. Plan on making a list and implementing ASAP. I keep praying, and I know this is working. I just hope it works in time before we split "officially".
...Also,went to the animal shelter and got a puppy for my son and myself. He is very cute. I named him 'Ranger'. My son is going to love him...
OK, If you ever emotionally panic again, tell him you need to excuse yourself until you get your emotions in control. If you want to read up on it, it is called emotional flooding and basically your fight or flight instinct and adreneline shut down your thinking part of your brain.
A divorce hearing is not the same thing as a final papers in most states. In most states even after all sides agree there is up to a 6 month waiting period until the divorce is finalized. I don't know what the law is in your state, but it probably doesn't mean you only have 10 or less days as husband and wife. Even if it is, you can only control what you can control and that is you!
Doing a make-over sounds like a great idea. Way to go. Feel good about you. Confidence and a postitive self-image are really attractive qualities.
Getting a puppy sounds great. Now figure out a way that you and your son can exercise said puppy as a way of all of you bonding and part of your GAL. Maybe even sign up for a dog training course. (By the way, training men isn't that much different than training a dog, a lot of the same rules apply)
It is pretty clear that you are emotionally all over the place, "please come back," calm detachment, I hate him and want to move on. You really do need to work on your emotions and what you want out of life. If you don't know you can't be consistent in your DB'ing.
Good luck and keep reading DB.
Thank you Young at Heart. I really needed to hear those words. I called him today to apologize. Yes, I need to get my emotions in check. I knew that was going to be the hardest part. I need to do my 180s and stick to it.
I talked to my lawyer today and as long as I don't get served papers, then I don't have to attend which gives us a little more time.
My son is a year and a half old so taking him anywhere is hard lol. We did get to go outside and play with the puppy. The puppy followed him around and he laughed. It was very refreshing.
Tomorrow I am going to see my husband to drop my son off. My plan is to hand my son over and leave. NO lingering, NO talking. I am going to be an emotional wreck. My son hasn't spent the night away from me since he was born. Although I am looking forward to the weekend, it is just crappy. I am going to have to keep busy so I don't linger on it.
I just don't know what to think anymore. My husband is in the Navy, and he will be here defiantly until April. After that, he might move to California, or he might stay in San Antonio. I hope he stays so he can see our son. But then, it's like... okay then what? Are you just going to keep requesting San Antonio? I mean by the time he has to leave again, my son will be just starting school. He's not going to be able to see him, and he might get deployed on top of that. I think he realizes this, but is taking it as it comes. IDK. I know it may seem like I'm thinking too much into the future, but these are things I have to think about due to our situation. So, maybe we don't get back together immediately, maybe it'll take a year or two. I think that's what it's going to take for us to fix everything anyway, and to fully heal from everything that's been said.
So, idk. Still love him and hate him, but my love out weighs the bad.
You know, you still didn't write down the list of issues in your M. If you don't do that, we can't tell you how to make things better.
Did you actually read the DB/DR books?
I'm in the process of reading DR. Up to Step 5 the last resort since that's where I am. Plan to do more this weekend when my son is with H.
Issues with my M. Ok here goes:
1. Step- Daughter: I don't know if you remember in DR when Michele talked about how she would 'soften' the blow when her husband tried to discipline their daughter. This was the same situation with me. Every time I went to discipline her, he would cut in, tell me I was doing it wrong and get mad at me. That would in turn cause me to resent her. My treatment of her did decline, and we became him/here against me.
2. Depression: I became pregnant with our son as soon as we got married. This came with a lot of hormonal changes and sickness. It got better but everything going on with my step-daughter caused me to be depressed and only focus on my baby. Then, when my son was born, I became Post-partum and was put on anti-depressants. I was on them for awhile, but they made me feel tired and just totally out of sync with what was going on.
3. Money: My husband is always thinking about money. That's all he talks about. We never had enough, and when we did, we always spent it wrong. To me, this wasn't as bit of a deal as the other two, but it's there.
4. We never spent time together! I was too afraid to leave our infant son with someone to go out. I was very anxious and nervous, and so we never left the house unless my mom could come and babysit (she lives 4 hours away so it was hard).
5. The Affair. His selection of whom this affair was with is confusing. He was with a woman before we met for about a year, and this was the woman he "re-connected" with, I suppose. They were talking since July until I found out about it in September. I'm not 100% sure that it's over, but I do know that she lives in VA. I somewhat think he did this as a last resort to get me to leave, but then idk why he just didn't file for divorce. This was the last thing I expected from him and honestly, there's no excuse for it. I guess I'm forgiving of it, but not completely. I understand why he did it, but think "Well, I was unhappy, and I never thought of that." Divorce, yes. An affair, not even the slightest.
The trust is, I do love my husband. I love my step-daughter. I guess I just need to pick myself back up and start all over again.
Dropped my son off tonight to go with his dad. We met half way. I kept it short, only discussed the things we needed to about our son, then I left. My son whined a little which made me feel bad. Im very excited to get 2 days of sleeping in.
My H & SD were very happy to see my son. I know they are all going to have a good time. I really hope when I pick him back up on Sunday that he will cry when daddy leaves so my H will feel a little guilty. I know that sounds awful, but it is what it is.
I am going to try and not call this weekend,but it will be hard.
Again, the only thing that you seemed to take responsibility for is number 2 and 3.
What have you done to correct those problems?
Well, I'm not as depressed as before. I love being close to my family and having a future that I can control. My depression might have stemmed from being in a bad relationship and getting away helped.
As for the money, I don't really have any so it's not a problem lol. But I am trying to be more responsible and spend wisely.
How could I take responsibility for the others?
"How could I take responsibility for the others?"
What do you mean? Look, it takes two people for a M to fail. If you were messy, then learn to clean. If you didn't get along with his SD, then learn how to communicate with her, etc.
What were the things YOU and only YOU did that contributed to your M failing? Forget about adding your H's name to this. We're just talking about you and the things that YOU have control over.
Ok,I see what you mean.
I guess I'm going to have to go back to the drawing board.
How could I take responsibility for the others?
MrBond is giving you great advice.
May I elaborate a little. I will assume you know what Chapman's 5 languages of love are.
If you H's primary language of love was "acts of service" and he felt it was a W's responsibility, like some men for a W to have a hot meal cooked and ready to serve when he gets home from work, you could make him feel "more" loved by making sure when he get's home there is a hot meal you have cooked.
Some men, for all the wrong reasons are acts of service people who probably because of parental role models expect to come home to a clean & organized house, expect to have a hot meal ready, expect all kinds of bizzare unreasonable things. When those acts of service they saw growing up are not met, they feel unloved.
Similarly, other men have a primary love language of touch. Those are the kind of men that you want to hug briefly when they are ready to leave for work or when they get home at night. Again, it is not right or wrong, it is just want makes them feel loved.
Still other men require quality time as their love language. These kinds of people require that you find time to sit and talk to them, say at dinner or after dinner and you listen and discuss their day and what is on their mind. That is how they feel loved.
Another love language is presents. Providing little notes or surprise desserts in a packed lunch makes them feel loved or making a fuss over some kind of dessert for dinner that you bought or made and claim is something special you got for them.
The fifth LL is words of affirmation. This is praise. Listening to them talk about their day and saying things like I am so proud of what you do, or you handled that situation very well, will make them feel loved.
In reviewing your M, using those 5 catagories were there any things that you H needed to feel loved that you didn't provide? If so those are things you could change in the way you interact with him that will make him feel different with you and may result in his treating you differently.
A final thought. One of the hardest parts of DB is figuring out what you can control and what you can't control. You might want to do some affirmations that you are responsible for your happiness and that you H is not responsible for your happiness. If you expect your H to be responsible for making you happy, you are really in a co-dependent relationship and not a good marriage, where each has responsibilities to themselves and each other.
good luck.