So new threads bring change.
You are getting close to being on this boards for 2 months.
What are your changes so far and what do you plan to work on as we go forward.
If you are going to move forward with the divorce then PROTECT yourself.
Most LBS's end up with huge financial problems.
OK?
Cadet,
So far I have worked on getting better at communicating. Through my IC and through DB,DR, 5ll, 10 lessons to change your marriage, and rebuilding, I have learned how to have a conversation without attacking, criticizing and displaying contempt. I am working on 180s on being controlling, helping out around the house and interacting with my boys. All of these are certainly a work in progress, especially the controlling part. I really struggle with giving up control.
I have made an effort to have multiple positive interactions with my boys every day. I have started lifting them up, instead of shutting them down and being their "ruler".
I have been working on detaching. Until last week I think I had done very well. Last week I slid back really bad and started letting her emotions and actions effect mine. I started "waiting on her" to determine what mood I was in and how I was going to act. I am working on getting back to being detached. It is very hard with her still in the house.
I am working on showing my W more respect. I am working on understanding that she is an adult and she is perfectly capable. I am struggling with this daily because she is being selfish and illogical right now, and I have a terrible time dealing with that. I know that she is going to not act, or do things the way I want or even the way she used to do. I need to accept that. Last night was a good example. She was going to be late getting s10 to football. I had to take s13 to soccer. Instead of hurrying them along and pushing to get them out the door, I left and let her be the adult and take care of the situation.
She is 100% certain she is moving on with the D. We negotiated on the time frame. She wanted to have it done by now, I wanted to wait until 6 months after she moved out. We settled on doing it after jan. 1. I want time away from each other to make sure i am 100% sure, she just wants it over. Right now she is talking to OM on the phone for 2 hours a day and sending 100 texts a day. I think she saw him the last 2 weekends but I am not sure. She is so deep in her fog right now.
Regarding finances: We ar doing a dissolution. She has agreed to walk away with a certain amount of money and she will deed over the house and the 5 rental properties that we own. We put the farm and the farm equipment in a trust with the boys name on it. Setting up that trust saved me a LOT of money. We both want to see me continue to farm, and to pass the farm on to the boys. More later I am out of time.
Thanks for your input cadet.
Financially my sitch is very complicated. I work 8-5 in a financial institution and I farm and I have multiple rental properties. I will break it down into those 3 catagories.
My salary will be enough to cover all of my living expenses and give me very little left over. Since I dont have the chance to get any overtime and I get paid once a month, I have my work cut out for me here.
Farming has been really profitable the past 3 years. It finally took a down swing this year. My goal is to make a small profit, with break even as a worst case scenerio. With farming the income all comes in in October and November. The expenses all go out in March. So far yields have been good but the price I am getting is half what it was last year.
The rental properties net me a return of around 8% on my money. However, because I carry a significant amount of debt on the properties I have several mortgage payments due at the first of the month. This creates a cash flow crunch for the first 10 days of the month. In days past our combined salaries were enough to cover the mortgage payments. Now I will not be able to pay the mortgages until the rent checks come in.
The rentals will all be paid off a few days before I turn 55. We would have both been able to retire in 14 years at the ages of 55 and 53.
I vividly remember my college days when I ate Mac and cheese and ramen noodles daily so I could get through college. I decided early on that we, as a family, would not have to go through that.
I believe that I will once again be sound financially. The biggest issue I see is cash flow management. Fortunately a major expense is real estate taxes and hazard insurance on the properties. Those are not due until Feb and March so I can "rob Peter to pay Paul" until then. Technically I have 5 of 15 units empty right now. 2 of those 5 have been spoken for, the other 3 have not. Obviously it is now crucial to get back to full capacity.
Financially my sitch is very complicated.
So how would a separation or divorce effect all of this.
Assume you are splitting things 50/50.
It sounds like you had 3 fulltime jobs and your W's makes a 4th and then 2 kids which are another FT job. Wow!
labug the rentals are not that time consuming. My 9-5 job is SLOW so I do a lot of the mgmt work in the office (ssshhhh!) Farming takes up a lot of time in April and May, and again in September and October. It is a lot, but the payback is tremendous, especially the farming. It is a way of life we enjoy. I was raised a farm boy, and my kids are being raised that way too. I cant tell her this now, but riding with me on the tractor was a huge turn on for my W at one time. She even enjoyed the livestock. Last spring her(a city girl)and I went to the barn and massaged a calf's legs and stretch its tendons for 3 weeks straight. 3 times a day. That 23rd day we went to the barn the calf met us at the door. It was the first time since birth it had stood. She cried, i tried not to cry. Typing this makes my eyes watery. We fed that calf all the way out to market.
Cadet,
to sum it up, shes going to deed everything over to me. In return I am going to pay her a lump sum of half the equity in the properties. After taking out realtors fees, capital gains, and conveyance fees It is NOT a large amount of money. She will be debt free and have a decent downpayment for a home if she choses to buy. I will have all the debt and all the assets. Other than the 2 I have to sell to get the cash.
In order to get the cash settlment we have to sell 2 of the 5 properties. They have been listed since August 1. If they do not sell by 6 months from the day the dissolution is final I will begin paying her on a 10 year installment plan.
We have already set up a trust, controlled by the both of us. We placed the farm ground and all the equipment in the trust. It will belong to the boys when the youngest turns 23.
we have dual control over the asets. Meaning that it cannot be sold or traded without both signatures.
We have agreed on CS even. She makes a little more than I do. We each have the boys the same amount of time. She is providing ins. (50 for my half), paying for lunches (50 my half). I am going to kick in an extra 100 per month for my half of clothes and shoes since she has always done almost all the clothes shopping.
I am paying for sports stuff and she is paying for school and school supplies.
We each get 1 child for tax purposes. I took the oldest so that deduction will end 3 years sooner for me. I took one of her student loans (biggest payment, smallest balance) and she took one.
She gave me the camper. Its 2 years old and has some equity. I figured we would have to sell it because I could not afford to refinance it to get her equity out. She told me to keep it because we love to camp. since she was good about that I agreed to give her half of todays equity if I ever sold it.
She gets her personal checking account, I keep the gold bars we bought 5 years ago. She gets her car, I get my truck. equal value, both paid for. I get my 401k she gets her strs. We have a mutual fund account in the boys names for college. That stays in place and we are now (as of today) both contributing to it from our own accts.
She keeps her rings, and earrings, I get the coin collection I inherited from my grandmother.
Last but not least, and I am NOT kidding, I get the white towels and she is taking the green ones.
Honestly, its pretty sad that 2 people can figure out a complicated mess like this and have NO issues, but cant figure out how to keep a 15 yr marriage together.
My favorite hour of the day. S13 is on the bus ride home and we will text back and forth for an hour. I take him to school and we talk, but for some reason he really opens up when texting on the way home.
Well it sounds like you have the finances in place if she actually agrees to all of that.
Understand that this is all just business.
I know it is hard but if you can separate the business from the rest it will be that much better.
We separated the business end of it masterfully. It is all down on paper and has been given to the attorney that is going to do the dissolution.
The only issue that came up was that she asked for another 50 in CS. I told her I would agree to it if she could give me a reason. She could not give me a reason so we let it stand at 200.
Good work on the finances, bdub.
About being able to sort out the finances so easily but not the marriage, sometimes we put more attention into our financial life than we do our emotional life.
labug you are right.
The statement I made was sort of a self criticism. I certainly put way more attention into my finances than I did my M. All along I thought I was "doing my part" by preparing us for retirement and the future. Could not have been more wrong.
bdub, sorry it has come to this, but seems like you are handling it with a minimum of drama. Good job.
labug you are right.
The statement I made was sort of a self criticism. I certainly put way more attention into my finances than I did my M. All along I thought I was "doing my part" by preparing us for retirement and the future. Could not have been more wrong.
It's good that you recognize that.
I was much the same. My H is much more of a laissez-faire money manager, I was always afraid we'd end up in the "poorhouse" which no longer exist. So I put a lot of pressure on us due to my fear and my attachment to money and material things. I wasn't extravagant at all but I put all that before my family.
How are you going to use your knowledge going forward?
I have always been driven to be successful. I have been very fortunate that I have made the right decisions at the right time and a LOT of things fell in place for me. Until BD I thought I was living the american dream. Ironically we married partly because we both wanted to be successful and to an extent, wealthy. My drive to provide that contributed to the ultimate failure.
Going forward I will continue to strive to succeed. However, I will be sure to take the time to work on other areas in my life, especially my relationships. I was so busy plowing forward I assumed my W was right there with me. I took her for granted that way and it is certainly not a mistake I will make again.
So, W called tonight while I was harvesting and asked if I would switch. Vehicles with her on Friday. She wants to drive 40 miles to buy a washer and dryer for her new place.
I don't want to be an a hole but I don't want to help her leave either. If she can't use my truck she said she would get a u hauL truck. We agreed to split the cost of a washer and dryer for her and I would keep what we have in the house. We have a really nice new front load washer and an older dryer. She's going to an outlet store to buy a scratch and dent model.
I told her I would consider it and get back to her. Why do I do?
So last night I came home after harvesting. W was packing up stuff from the kitchen. I looked through boxes and cabinets to determine what I needed to replace . I gave her a few things she had left and she gave me a few things she had packed. She went to bed and I sat on the counter in the kitchen and allowed myself to "live with" the reality that she was leaving. There was a lot of tension but we navigated it.
Half an hour later she came out of her room and complained about the lights. I suggested she close the door. This led to an argument. Being flooded emotionally I was not able to keep a level head and it escalated into a half hour fight that culminated in doors slamming (both of us) and curse words.
We both reverted to old habits of criticizing and the atttacking and defending. I should have walked away but didn't.
She left tonight and took the boys to her mom's.
Last night was the last night she will stay in this house. I am both relieved and distraught. 12 weeks of living together after BD was too much stress.
I am entering a new chapter. After apologizing for my hurtful words and actions I walked away today.
I asked when I would see the boys again and she said she would get the to me so we can follow through with plans for the weekend.
She will move this weekend and I will be gone. Finally I am able to distance myself and hopefully live in peace. I am looking forward to less stress and less worry about OM and boundaries.
Tomorrow starts our co parenting rotation . Tomorrow we will finally be separated.
12 long weeks of living with my WAW has been the most challenging period of my life. Tonight is my first night alone in the house. Tonight is rock bottom. Tomorrow will be better. The next day will be even better.
12 long weeks of living with my WAW has been the most challenging period of my life. .
I'm coming up on six months of limbo. Good luck tomorrow. Be sure to check in.
I'm so sorry, I know how hard this is and I'm reading your sitch right now. Keep on keeping on !
Rpp,
Thanks for the reply. I called my best bud and he came over. I have known him for 35 years. We worked through his D 10 years ago. Through the years we have drifted apart and together. I left him a msg to call me. He knew. Instead of calling back he dropped what he was doing and came over. Out of the blue another friend sent me a tm asking how I was doing. I'll be fine. My support system is in place. Suddenly I don't feel isolated or alone. I have been "hiding" from a lot for the last few months. Now is the time I really start working on me . Now I can finally stop denying reality and start working through my issues. Detaching will be easier. 180s will be for me now.
I'm not sure if my M will survive but I know I will.
Sjallda
My sitch is pretty wordy. Fasten your seatbelt because it's a rollercoaster ride.
I hate being alone but maybe the rollercoaster will slow down. I know there are a lot of tough times coming. However the limbo stage is over . Right now I feel peace because I don't have to worry about her mood, stress level or when she is going to cross my boundary again. I thought I had detached but I was way wrong.
Tomorrow is a new day so my feelings will change.
Bdub,
As you have already noted, in many ways it does get much better when they are gone. My H left abruptly, but I now realize just how depressed and emotionally withdrawn he was, and how that was affecting everyone else in the house. In many ways, not dealing with that on a daily basis has made life easier at the moment.
That being said, the change in everyday life is in itself a major adjustment and will take a while. For now, just try and focus on the positives (not having to worry about her mood or stress).
You'll have some down days - when some of the routine is gone, there's certainly a noticeable emptiness around the house. But it will get better.
Raliced,
Thanks for the reply. Being in limbo sucked. Interacting daily did provide opportunities to show off 180s, but it was impossible to detach enough to be healthy. I rolled from calm to anxious almost daily.
I have control issues. I did not have enough self discipline to let go of the control. Until I can stop being controlling I cannot have a healthy relationship with anyone, including by boys. Even if my M fails I am "excited" to defeat my "control deamons.". I will become a better person. I hope my W is the one that gets to benefit from it.
I find myself worrying about winter time. My life is super busy from March to November. Winter time is slow. I spend a lot of time outside. Winter restricts that and in the past that has gotten me down. Changes in routine could make this worse. GAL will be important soon.
Hey bdub, I'm sure it wont be an easy day so but there are plenty of people rooting for you.
It will get easier and without your W there you will have more space for you without the constant reminder.
I find myself worrying about winter time. My life is super busy from March to November. Winter time is slow. I spend a lot of time outside. Winter restricts that and in the past that has gotten me down. Changes in routine could make this worse. GAL will be important soon.
Winter in the midwest- I hear you! We lived in Iowa for 8 years and I definitely learned the definition of "cabin fever". You're right it will be an important time to start up a GAL activity. I know you're harvesting now, but you should already start planing in case winter starts up early. Woodworking, maybe?
Hi Bdub, sorry for your pain. Keep posting as some of the wisdom on here is awesome. Please know that your pain is being shared. Take care.
Raliced,
A month ago a buddy of mine bought a tractor to restore and he was complaining about not having enough garage room. Guess who has a really big barn with concrete floors, adequate lighting, lots of free time and a refrigerator in the barn for refreshments?
He is going to bring it over and I am going to help him with that and then he is going to help me (finally) recondition some hay moving equipment from the 1880s that I took down out of the old high bank barn.
A month ago a buddy of mine bought a tractor to restore and he was complaining about not having enough garage room. Guess who has a really big barn with concrete floors, adequate lighting, lots of free time and a refrigerator in the barn for refreshments?
He is going to bring it over and I am going to help him with that and then he is going to help me (finally) recondition some hay moving equipment from the 1880s that I took down out of the old high bank barn.
Now that's a plan, bdub! Sounds like it can carry you through the entire winter.
Hi Bdub
I have been thinking about winter activities as well. I have some friends that love snowshoeing (and photography) out here in our New England winters. I also have a friend that got really into curling after the last Olympics.
Some of my best memories as a kid were from playing pond hockey with my dad and my brother, and coming back in to hot chocolate. (we could barely skate at the time, just had a helmet, a stick and skates)
I also loved winter camping when I was in the scouts, but I've found my enjoyment of that has diminished significantly over time.
Skiing (cross country or downhill), snowboarding, pickup hockey, ice-fishing... I've also always wanted to try the biathlon.
Last night I slept very well. I was at peace. I miss the boys a little but I was surprised how easy it was to fall asleep and how sound I slept. this morning has been good. Work is going well. No anxiety.
From the beginning I have been able to deal with the D and her leaving. The issue that caused the stress and anxiety is the OM. With her not living at home anymore I can finally let that issue die. It will not be in my face 24/7. I wont have to deal with her phone being glued to her hand all the time. I wont have to see her ignoring the boys to send tm or be on fb.
Sunday is parents day for S10's football team. There will be tension but we will put on a happy face and walk him across the field because the boys come first.
Newleaf,
Curling fascinates me. Unfortunately there is no place near that offers it.
yesterday was the first day she did not wear her wedding ring. It stung a little to see it lying there. I thought about it a lot yesterday and last night I took mine off. It was a rather uncerimonious occasion. I expect grief, or sadness or anger. I felt nothing.
Raliced,
A month ago a buddy of mine bought a tractor to restore and he was complaining about not having enough garage room. Guess who has a really big barn with concrete floors, adequate lighting, lots of free time and a refrigerator in the barn for refreshments?
He is going to bring it over and I am going to help him with that and then he is going to help me (finally) recondition some hay moving equipment from the 1880s that I took down out of the old high bank barn.
That sounds fantastic - and are the two of you going to drive it in local parades afterwards?
I dont know if he is going to parade it or not. Probably not since neither of us have ever restored a tractor before!!
He has a little 6 acre pasture for a few horses and I bet he is wanting to get it up and running and in decent shape. Once its running I bet he puts a mower on it to maintain his pasture.
the tractor sounds like a fun diverting activity!
As for the wedding ring, I'm sorry to hear that. It's still hard for me to see my H going around without his. After he broke up with me (by email, btw), we ML a couple weeks later, and he took off his rings two days after that before leaving town to see some mysterious people. Talk about stung! I took mine off instantly. Had it resized to fit my right hand, since it's a family diamond and has personal meaning to me, apart from my M. I'm married to myself! I know that I can at least keep my vow to myself to be there for better and worse, sickness, health, rich or poor, etc. I just can't count on him.
Looking at my ring finger is weird. I rarely took it off for over 15 years.
my finger, where the ring used to be is pale and the skin is different. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. I am not sure what I will make of it.
A reminder of my M that will fade over time?
A permanent part of my body, like my M is a permanent part of my life?
A scar that has to heal?
A scar that will never heal?
I'm so sorry, bdub. I wish I knew how to address this one.
I was married once before and we got wedding band tattoos. STUPID idea, so for me it's almost like a scar that will never heal. For my current wife, she easily took hers off two weeks after she left. I refuse to remove mine until I absolutely have to.
Right now, it will be a reminder of my M. Like my feelings for my W and my M I am sure it will slowly fade over time.
Hey bdub sorry it's been awhile since I've checked in. Being a couple weeks ahead of you with W leaving the home I can tell you it does make things a lot easier. Personally I haven't slept so well in the past 2 months as I have since W left. I also no longer fear going home to find her not there and wondering where she is or who she is with. While you will still think about and miss her constantly at least your home is once again a place you will be able to feel at peace.
As for the rings I personally still wear mine. I've always enjoyed being married and wear my ring with pride. If she sees me I hope she notices that I'm still wearing it as a little sign that I'm still fighting even if she has long given up. As a bonus it's a good way to keep the lady's away
Good to see you again hoju. I was thinking about you the other day. I am going to go find your thread and get caught up. If I recall, we had BD about the same time but your W left a few weeks later.
Half an hour until I go home. W and BIL and FIL have been moving stuff all afternoon. Luckily I am keeping most of the furniture so the house will not be super empty. I still expect it to be a shock.
On the bright side, the 19 boxes that cluttered my dining room and kitchen will be gone.
Tonight will be night #1 of just me and the boys.
Hey, bdub, just catching up on you.
Thinking of you and your new chapter with the boys tonight. Hopefully there is a new found sense of peace in your house.
Have a great weekend
.
Had a friend over that has kids the same age as mine. The kids are good friends and are together often. It was sort of surreal in the house but peaceful and calm. The relief I feel out weighs the sadness today. I know rough times are coming but the anxiety, stress and tension that comes from living with a WAW are gone. I am no longer in limbo.
I pray God that my W is safe tonight and that she feels the same peace that I feel. Dissapointed that she has not contacted s13 but it is just night 1. She must have had an exhausting day prepping the new place, moving her stuff, and starting to settle in. The boys a are dissapointed she is gone but I assured them she will be here to get them in the morning. The tears I have are true sadness tonight. Not for the way things have gone and the dealings of the last few months, but, for the first time, cor the end of a 15 year long chapter of my life.
Tomorrow I will turn the page and begin the next phase. I will become a man only a fool would leave. I will become a better man for myself and my family.
Sounds like you did very well. Cheers to you this evening.
Last night went fantastic. This morning was great. I hated leaving for work this morning but I will get to see the boys again this afternoon for soccer.
Currently trying to work out issues with the boys via tm right now. She wants to keep them tonight so her alternating Saturdays will not interfere with plans she has for weekends in the future, I want to keep them tonight so that I dont start off the separation with 4 night alone without the boys. I offered to flip a coin, she discounted my reasons for wanting them and criticized me for not accomodating her social schedule. The events are every other weekend, none of which she can take the boys she says. This interaction may go a long ways in detemining how we navigate the coming months.
Ok so we worked it out. I am going to keep them tonight, she will keep them on my wednesday and then I will keep them again next saturday. Her idea. I get my time this weekend, she gets her "trouble" saturdays free. She even called me to make sure it was completely clear and to talk about a few other things about clothes etc etc.
Thats the good part.
The bad part: I am going to allow myself to mindread. OM has his kids every other weekend so W had to get our weekends set just right so they had kids at the same time and had free weekends at the same time. The good part about this is that for right now I dont have to worry about the boys being exposed to OM and his kids. If this is even the case, I dont know.
The sad part: She said she would "have" to send the boys to her moms for saturday the first 3 saturdays she would have them. That, to me, is sad. The fact that she would ship her kids to her moms for a birthday party, going out of town, and a craft show just demonstrates the fog she is in. Anyway, thats her issue now. How she handles the boys is on her from now on. She is the one in control of those relationships. I am in control of mine.
Along the same lines I made sure she understood that I was the boys father and that I would like to have the opportunity to keep them whenever she needs someone to watch them. She said she had not even thought about that. She said I would be her first call. I dont expect to be the first call every time but hopefully I will get some bonus time here and there.
I could see how this has been an oversite. For 13 years if "we" (now her) had to find someone to watch the boys "we" (now her) called my mom or her mom. So I am sure, in her mind she was thinking " I need someone to watch the boys, I will call mom"
I don't understand what you're trying to say about your W calling her mom to be with the boys.
What's your main worry about your kids meeting the OM?
My issue with her calling her mom to watch the boys is that if I am available, I want to, and think I am entitled to, keep them.
The OM's roll in destroying our M is a pretty sore spot for me right now. I know I played a part in making the R bad, and W did too, and W chose to accept his advances. However he still played a big role by persuing a M woman.
And then there are the domestic violence convictions from the past, and the receiving stolen property and petty theft convictions.
Not to mention your kids are going through enough change without seeing their mom with another guy so soon.
My issue with her calling her mom to watch the boys is that if I am available, I want to, and think I am entitled to, keep them.
Then add that stipulation to the agreement. If it's her weekend it's her weekend.
The OM's roll in destroying our M is a pretty sore spot for me right now. I know I played a part in making the R bad, and W did too, and W chose to accept his advances. However he still played a big role by persuing a M woman.
And then there are the domestic violence convictions from the past, and the receiving stolen property and petty theft convictions.
And your W as a married woman was open to his advances. Had she told him no, he wouldn't be in the picture now. I know you have to put your anger somewhere but this is a rabbit hole. Your kids will meet him (he does sound like a winner) but there's not a lot you can do about it at this point other than manage yourself.
Have you and STBXW talked about your concerns about your sons and the OM? Were his convictions recent? Is she getting primary custody?
i agree with "if its her weekend its her weekend". We settled that issue quickly. We both agreed that if we needed someone, our first call would be to each other. Now, with that being said, I have NO problem with them occasionally going to grandmas. In fact, they need time with the grandparents on both sides.
There is nothing I can do about them meeting him. I know that. However she did say she had no intention of introducing them. I know she has lied to me a LOT, but never about the kids. I am going to chose to believe her on this one.
She knows how I feel about that situation. His convictions were 13 years ago with his first W and 6 years ago with his second. The theft stuff was 3 or 4 years ago.
We are doing shared parenting. She gets them S,M,T. I get them W,Thurs,F. We rotate saturdays. So its 3 on, 3 off, then 4 on 4 off. Its actually a pretty slick arrangement.
She does not know about the convictions. She didnt know he was twice D until a mutual friend of ours pointed it out.
I want to tell her about them, but I really cant without making it sound controlling and vindictive.
I, and a mutual friend both suggested she do a simple background check. That is as far as I went with it. I thought about telling her mom, and asking her to express her concern, if she has any. I thought about printing out the records and mailing them to her, I thought about telling her. None of it seems right. I know if it comes from me, it will be ignored.
And no, I will NOT go to her mom, that thought came and went in a nano second.
Well, now that's a different can o' worms you've opened cause if my kids were going into a home where there's a man with DV convictions with 2 wives, I'd be speaking up. Even verbal abuse is damaging for kids to hear on a regular basis. Your W has made her choice and she's an adult, her consequences are hers. The kids are a very different matter.
That's not being vindictive that's providing for the safety of your kids.
He lives an hour or more away and cannot move because of custody and she cannot move because of custody. The will never cohabitate. I shouldnt say never I guess.
Our agreement in our state says I have to agree to her moving because we have shared parenting. She has stated a few times she will not take the boys out of our school district. Since she is a teacher she knows the effect of that type of move.
sorry, I am out of time for now. More later.
As long as you're good with it.
Today was a good day. S10 had a great football game. Brought the boys back home and W came over to split up their clothes and prep for the coming weeks. We worked together for 3 hours and got along pretty well. Luckily I will still get to see them every day this week due to school bussing issues.
I spent 2 hours after they left cleaning and organizing. Just keeping busy. Now I'm sitting here relaxing and enjoying the peace. I'm sure I will get lonely eventually.
Well, now that's a different can o' worms you've opened cause if my kids were going into a home where there's a man with DV convictions with 2 wives, I'd be speaking up. Even verbal abuse is damaging for kids to hear on a regular basis. Your W has made her choice and she's an adult, her consequences are hers. The kids are a very different matter.
That's not being vindictive that's providing for the safety of your kids.
I would be having an absolute cow about this. I wouldn't want my kids around this person for any length of time. I am possibly an over-protective Mama Bear, but that's how I feel for sure.
Hope your evening was peaceful.
I am an over protective papa bear
However, due to my controlling issues I have to really think all this through.
I am guessing they are now in honeymoon stage 2 now since she doesnt have to hide it from me. She is now free to see him whenever. The only restrictions are her morals and religious beliefs.
Her stress and her issues that I had to handle are now hers. If she heaps them on him, it may not last long. She is out in the real world for the first time in 17 years, just like me. I know I have not been super fun to be around lately LOL
Last night was peaceful. I slept all night again. I have always been a good sleeper and it really bothered me when I started struggling to fall asleep and stay asleep. I have heard horror stories from a LOT of people about sleep issues. Maybe I will be able to get back to how it used to be.
Last night was night 1 alone. Tonight is booked until 9, tomorrow is grocery store and mattress store day, Wednesday is unknown. Since I dont work on Thursday, it may be "beers on the patio " night!
Thursday the boys will be back!
Stop the mind-reading. There really is no manual on affairs, there might be similarities but you can't depend on any of that.
What does all that have to do with your children and what you know about OM? You say neither of them can move but they are in a R, right? So they see each other, right? And will now most likely see each other more now.
2x4 firmly received...
Other than exposing the boys to him, it really is none of my business. It sounds strange to say that since we are married still, but its true.
The good news is that S13 soccer team (7th and 8th graders) played the JV high school team last night and only lost 1-0. It was awesome to see them on that big field, music blaring, lights shining and all the fans.
Thank you to everyone that posted on my thread, and helped me along my journey.
The last few days have been a turning point in my life. I have reached the point where I have decided I am no longer willing to stand for my M.
Our D is not official as of yet, but our routine is set and I am getting my boys over half the time and we are adjusting well.
It has become VERY clear to me that I was in love with being married, not in love with my wife.
I hope everyone finds the peace and tranquility that I have found in the past few days.
I hate that I have given up on the past 17 years, but I have done all that I can considering the W has checked out completely. We (the boys and I) have a great support system in place and the transition has gone smooth and finally brought peace to my life.
I'm sorry to hear that bdub, can't say I blame you though, there is only so much abuse one can take before throwing in the towel. I wish you and your boys all the best in the future with what ever it may bring for you.
bdub, I hope your feeling of peace and acceptance continues. I can't blame you either -- in many ways I feel like clarity -- even if it means finality -- would be a welcome change. You sound strong. Keep advocating for yourself and the boys.
I too was in love with being married. Now I aspire to be in love with just being accountable to myself (and daughter).
Best of luck to you in your journey.
Bdub, good luck to you! Keep us updated.
bdub, I had posted on your thread above one day before my H admitted OW. It's funny how much can change in a few days. I'm finding the clarity that you now have, and find myself letting go. When I do get emotional, it's still about the idea of marriage, what might have been possible, and the illusion of who he was that drives those emotions. When I look at the situation clearly, it's hard to understand why anyone would put up with such nonsense.
I'm not dismissing DB, but I'm seeing that in order to truly DB, you have to truly detach, and giving up and moving on is definitely detachment. The point of DB is also to save ourselves, with or without spouse. I'm planning to put all my energy in that direction.
Thanks for all your support.
Ahoy,
Initially I started DB to save my M. Making myself better, GAL, 180, detaching, everything helped me heal some deep wounds. If it were not for the books and this forum I would have not made it through 13 weeks of hell. I would have blown up and ruined what is going to be an amicable, and for me, financially sound, split.
The night before she moved she was in a rage and slamming doors and she 2 hand shoved me in the chest. Had I not been DBing along the way I would have let that effect me and probably retaliated on some way. Because I didnt escalate the situation she calmed down after a few days and we are back to somewhat amicable terms.
If ever any of my friends are going through the D process I will certainly reccomend DB.
I shouldn't mind read like this, but looking back at your thread and your post here, you were almost ready to let go before finding out about OW.
Stay strong and dont make any rash decisions. Be sure you are making the right choice.
I was ready to drop the rope earlier because I knew he was lying to me about OW, and honestly, I don't want a partner who is a liar. Call me rigid, but that's the truth. Still, I would be willing to try to reconcile and see what is possible, even so. But that process takes two, and he is not participating. Instead I am focusing on having an amicable split, as you are. My H is very irresponsible financially and also has dropped me from his health insurance for next year, so being legally divided from him will actually give me peace of mind, since I'm pretty much on my own anyway and don't want to be liable for his poor choices.
I know things change in time, so I can't say that I wouldn't ever consider reconnecting with him down the line, but right now I'm really not interested.
I hope you keep feeling strong and good, bdub. You deserve awesomeness.
"I know things change in time, so I can't say that I wouldn't ever consider reconnecting with him down the line, but right now I'm really not interested."
Ahoy, and living in the now is about all we can do. Allowing yourself to change your mind later is also important.
Ahoy,
We all deserve to be strong and awesome!
Thank you for your kind words. Keep your mind open and keep chugging along.
"It has become VERY clear to me that I was in love with being married, not in love with my wife."
You've fallen into the same trap that many LBS's do when things don't go their way. This is the same thinking your W has which made her walk away in the first place. That is just total BS. This is the first stage that starts you going off finding someone else and then when you've completely dropped the rope, your W will start being attracted to you again because there's no pressure. But it will be too late because you've already convinced yourself that you weren't "in love" with your W.
Problem is that you're going to keep looking for that "in love" person same as your W and won't find it because you haven't finished the work on yourself. You might even find someone very quickly and say that you've never been so much "in love" before and after a few months or years, the same situation will come up again that landed you here in the first place.
I say that because I see it time and time and time again. And all of the people who left, found someone new, ended up coming back here again and wondering what happened. They ALL said the same thing... "It has become VERY clear to me that I was in love with being married, not in love with my wife."
I've read your threads and you've got a long way to go. But good luck to you.
bdub, I can def understand your feelings. I have come to a point to where I am willing to put up with anything in hopes of reconnecting with my wife. I know that once my heart is no longer in it, you cant subject yourself to the onslaught of pain. It seems you have reach that point. No one can see what the future holds for us, but you have to smile and meet it head on. Best of luck to you!
Mr Bond,
I understand what you are saying. Right now I am working on making myself a better person. I know I am not capable of being in a relationship right now. I have to work through that and deal with those issues on my own. Maybe I have just detached so much that I have convinced myself what I am doing is right.
I will certainly be looking for signs that I am on the path you described.
I have no interest in finding someone else. I am pretty broken right now and I have a lot of fixing to do.
I appreciate you sharing this with me and I will certainly watch for the patterns you describe. I am sure everyone says this, but I don't want to ever go through something like this again and I am willing to do what it takes to give myself the best chance at having a successful relationship.
bdub, what part of Ohio are you in? Are you staying warm?
West Central Ohio.
Actually I love snow and cold weather. We had freezing rain this morning though, I dont like that.
I heard and saw some photos. It's 47 here this morning, that's cold enough for me.
Have not seen 47 in well over a week. We had 4 nights this week with lows in the single digits. Set records 3 of the 4 nights on top of 5 inches of snow!
Just journaling a little and tying up some loose ends.
Things are going very well. Winter in Ohio hit early and seems to be sticking around for the long haul. So far I have managed to find a lot of things to do to GAL and stay busy. I have gone through a little bit of being lonely but it does not last long and its very manangable.
WAW was suffocating S10 and S13 with OM. She was (in the boys terms) cramming him down their throat. I said something to her to no avail. Unfortunately they had to stand up for themselves. They finally did and after a pretty heated argument between WAW and boys she told them she would stop having him around when the boys are with her.
I noticed a difference in them right away. Its sad really, but I am glad they voiced their concerns to her. MIL watched the boys yesterday because they didn't have school. On the ride home from his basketball game S13 told me MIL spent most of the day trying to convince them to no be upset that OM was around. The boys aparently were not convinced. I am dissapointed that MIL would try to push OM on the boys too. Dissapointed but not surprised.
Thanksgiving went very well. We cooperated appropriately and everything went smooth. Friday the boys and I played backyard football with a friend and cousin and then put the christmas tree up. The boys did most of it and we had a lot of fun with it. S13 sent a picture of it to everyone in his contact list I think.
S13 has recently developed an interest in girls. This is going to be VERY interesting as he has turned to me for advice with his new GF. Anyone have experience with this? It seems like things have changed alot since I was 13.
bdub, good for your boys for standing up for themselves. It's a skill they are going to need forever, might as well practice now.
Yes, I have experience with both 13-yo boys and 13-yo girls. Not so sure you want to know......
rpp,
he was bombarding her with tm. It got to the point she said " I have something to do".
I told him to back off a little and let her respond at her own pace. I told him to suggest a phone call and her response was " I dont like to talk on the phone much"
Is this common?
Is the TM bombarding bothering her or is she enjoying the attention?
Do kids these days (wow that makes me sound old) not talk on the phone?
I set up some rules for him. No communication after 9 and hes not allowed to take his phone to bed with him. I do random phone checks too. I look at phone call records and read a tm or 2, just so he knows I can and will keep an eye on things.
Am I being overbearing and controlling, or am I just protecting my son and showing him how to communicate responsibly?
Do kids these days (wow that makes me sound old) not talk on the phone?
They only talk on the phone if it turns serious. Otherwise, they text. When my S started "dating" in middle school, I told him that he was NEVER allowed to break up with a girl by text.
He does need to back off on the texts, though. For sure let the poor girl reply at her own pace, but I've also heard of parents being ticked off because a friend (or potential gf or bf) sent too many texts and ate up their phone plan. So, something else to be aware of.
I set up some rules for him. No communication after 9 and hes not allowed to take his phone to bed with him. I do random phone checks too. I look at phone call records and read a tm or 2, just so he knows I can and will keep an eye on things.
Am I being overbearing and controlling, or am I just protecting my son and showing him how to communicate responsibly?
All good. Kids need parameters to protect them from themselves and from other kids.
The 9 pm rule applies to me too. I dont shut my phone off at 9 but I would sure like to.
Ok so I am on the right track.
The 9 pm rule applies to me too. I dont shut my phone off at 9 but I would sure like to.
Ok so I am on the right track.
Yes, you are
A 9pm shut-off of all screens is good not only socially, but because the blue light interferes with sleep. I make D12 charge her phone across the room so she can't see it if she wakes up at night. Plus it's not tempting that way.
Middle school is a rocky road.
Well, it finally happened: S10 left his basketball shoes at WAW house. She sent me a TM and told me she set them on the porch in a box. On my way back from the grocery I stopped to pick them up. No cars in the drive, no one appeared to be home. As I was backing out of the drive OM appeared out of nowhere in my passenger side window. I locked my doors and took my foot off the brake and rolled out of the drive trying to avoid a confrontation. He was yelling and had his hands raised up in the air to his sides in a threatening manner. As I backed out he stepped towards the truck and I hit him with my extended mirror. It simply folded the mirror forward, didnt break it off. 20 minutes later he sends me a tm (dont know how he got my #)telling me of all the bruises he has and that I knocked him down with my truck and that 2 neighbors witnessed it.
It is amazing how life can change so quickly. 4 months ago I was married and living a normal family life.
So sorry, bdub.
Maybe XW can put a lid on him.
OM has NO boundaries.
He opened his text to me with " I do love your boys and would never hurt them". That makes me want to puke. I can't decide if its creepy or criminal. The fact that he mentioned that he would never hurt them leads me to believe he has thought about hurting them.
Had a friend of mine (almost could call it a date) take me to a concert 2 weeks ago. She called me to tell me she woke up the next morning with a friend request from him on FB.
He showed up at S13 soccer game uninvited and stood and talked to my parents for half an hour. My parents had no idea who he was.
He showed up at our church one Sunday morning. Just the boys and I were there, no WAW, . Its a 50 mile drive for him.
Lastly, and most disturbingly, S13 told me he was in a changing room at Kohls alone with him. The day after WAW introduced them.
He has FB msged me, TM me, been to my house, called my home phone and been to my parents house.
He got S13's phone # and sent several dozen TM to him. S13 asked me what to do and I told him to send him a msg telling him to stop.
I am not used to this type of person and have no idea how to deal with him.
Consult your attorney. Especially related to the accident. Your atty may want you to notify the police. I know, blech!
Again, so sorry this is happening.
I dunno, bdub...
This sounds really creepy to me, and it just might be over the suspicious line to more than that. Keep your eyes and ears open. And maybe it's a good time to just have a general talk with your boys about "stuff". You know, the no touch rule, no secrets in our family rule, blah blah.
I have a good friend who set up a code word with her kids. If, for any reason, the kids were in a bad or uncomfortable situation, they could call her (or their dad) and say into the phone, "Aunt Charlotte texted me to call you." You can use any name you want, but something you mutually agree to. The day one of her daughters called and said that to her (in the middle of the night), she jumped in her car, no questions asked. Turned out everyone was drinking and were about to get into a car and the driver was her ride home. You can use it for just about any situation out there.
I always thought that was clever.
Do you have any cop friends you could go to? I think I'd start there anyway. This sounds really sketchy...
Good luck-Betsey
Dub,
The OM exhibits unhealthy stalking behaviors. If I were you, I'd get online and look up the state's sexual predators to see if his name comes up. Cannot be too safe these days.
Inform your parents of this development and warn them of OM's activities. This behavior is concerning especially you have children.
I would advise your S13 to never respond to OM's texts. They do not require a response. Furthermore, you and your family do not need to engage with OM. That's giving your power away.
Jiminy Cricket! I am not liking this one bit at all.
Did you talk to your atty?
I have family in law enforcement and my job grants me access to an attorney on a regular basis. On top of that, the chief of police here in town coaches baseball with me and we know each other fairly well. I called my family memeber and his advice was to document the heck out of everything (I have been) and to get a dash cam (I did) and turn it on prior to turning on to her street. Followed up with family the next day and there was no police report filed.
I ran into the chief and pulled him aside to talk about the incident and he said to document it and let it go. Both said I did nothing wrong re: the truck incident. The attorney I talked to said I did not have enough for a CPO so I will keep documenting and hoping nothing further comes from the ordeal.
WAW says OM is not going to be around when boys are there and the boys have verified that so far. As long as it stays that way I will not persue any legal action.
I have talked with both boys about what is appropriate what is not. They have lived a pretty normal sheltered life thus far and have never had to really worry about " stranger danger" or people behaving inappropriately around them. I honestly don't think anything happened in the dressing room but its HORRIBLY out of line.
I did a thorough background check on him long ago and came up with the DV convictions and the petty theft issues mentioned a few pages back. Nothing else. It was a background check not many can get their hands on. Thank you family
I apologize for the delayed response. Big weekend with both boys playing basketball and having friends over. Took advantage of one last decent day weather wise to get some outside work done after they left on Sunday.
As rpp can relate, I am an over protective papa bear.
I have no qualms with confrontation and the reprocussions associated with it.... if it will protect my boys. In other words I am 100% prepared to physically protect my boundaries and my boys boundaries. WAW knows this and says she told OM she wont stand any more of the nonsense.
Had a pretty emotional conversation Sunday with WAW re: church. The boys like going, but dont want to go all the time. She has been forcing it on them and they dont like it. I read her the paragraph in the dissolution where it says I have a say in their religious upbringing and told her I was making a stand on it. They want to go every other week, thats all they are going to go. We finally agreed that they were allowed to decide if they want to attend on the weekends I have them on Saturdays.
For those that are not familiar : She has them Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday, I have them Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. We rotate Saturdays. When I have them on Saturday they don't leave until 10:30 Sunday morning.
Good job on coming to an agreement about church.
P.S. I'm gonna admit, OM makes me really nervous.
To top off a crazy week with highs and lows all over the place, I got a call from WAW early in the evening. She was crying and very emotional. S13 was angry with her and was not communicating with her and she was frustrated. He apparently said he didnt want to be there with her. Background: I stayed in the house and she moved out. The boys are more comfortable in the house they grew up in at this time. She talked, I listened and validated. I really wanted to tell her she made her own bed, so now she has to lay in it. But I did not. I offered a few reasons why the adjustment period might be a little tougher this weekend. (huge win vs rival in basketball, friends over for the weekend, huge OSU football win, stayed up late that night, S13 has a gf and she has not been tm much, we spent time together as a family at the games and it brought a lot of things back up, )
I asked her what I could do to help and offered to re-double my efforts to talk kindly about her when I have the boys.
During the course of the conversation I realized how far "out of the loop" she really is. She had no idea about s13 gf even though I told her about it, and suggested she talk with him, she had no idea s13 had a basketball game today, she had no idea s13 had to wear a shirt and tie to school on game day, she had no idea s10 had a christmas program Thursday, and several other little deatails. I don't know what to do with this, or even if it should concern me.
Anyway, we talked for over an hour. Real communication. Maybe it will help ease the tension. We have to communicate better for the sake of everyone. I avoid all communications with her, other than pick ups and drop offs and the occasional dissolution issues. Our interations almost always lead to anger and threats on her side and anxiety, tension and frustration on my side.
During the course of the conversation I realized how far "out of the loop" she really is. She had no idea about s13 gf even though I told her about it, and suggested she talk with him, she had no idea s13 had a basketball game today, she had no idea s13 had to wear a shirt and tie to school on game day, she had no idea s10 had a christmas program Thursday, and several other little deatails. I don't know what to do with this, or even if it should concern me.
bdub, most of this was true about my H even before we were S. He wouldn't have known about games, concerts, recitals, etc. had I not sent him appointments directly to his calendar. He never had any idea about the dress requirement on game days, he wondered every time why S was dressed up, if he even saw him at all before school. I handled all that because I thought I was being a good W. I wasn't, I created a clueless dad. But it's hard to explain to a kid why you knew about it but didn't tell dad......
I think your recognition of needing better communication with WAW is good, hopefully it will help pull her back into the loop for the kids. Be sure you are doing your part, but realize you can't make her do hers.
OK. We were both 100% involved before the S. I had expectations she would remain that way. Do I need to do a better job of keeping her up to date? Is that my job?
For example, both boys played on a competetive travel basketball team last year. We traveled to a lot of schools. Some as far as an hour away. I took the schedule and entered the addresses into the GPS system. I looked it up on mapquest the day before, just to be sure I knew where we were going. I talked with other parents that had done the traveling.
saturday WAW tm me asking me where the gym was for S13 morning game. I chose not to respond. It was 12 minutes away and we had been there. I guess I thought that she should stand on her own 2 feet. I looked at it like it would be me asking her to come bake a batch of cookies for me. Thats was HER forte.
After that game I offered to take her to the next game, an hour and a half away. She declined. As we approached the next school we ran into an unexpected detour. I successfully navigated it. She called me. I talked her through the detour.
Keep in mind, this is the same woman that was at a distant relatives funeral with the boys. Planned on spending 6 hours there. the boys didnt want to be there so she called OM to come get them and he had them alone for 6 hours. I was sitting at home. This was 1 day after she introduced them to OM. 1 Week after moving out.
If I do as was done to me I would let her fall on her face. If I do as I would do for a neighbor I would answer her questions but not offer the informtion out if not asked.