Here I am, twelfth thread.
Maybell XI I will be ok. I'm stepping back to heal. The more healed I am the easier it will be to find my way in the dark of this ugly place in our relationship. There is so much good in my life. This is only one part of a lot of life. I will be ok.
Maybell one of my best friends is a priest and family therapist. When this was still raw and new, he looked me in the eye and said ,"RPP you will be ok". There have been days that thought was the only thing that got me through. Hang in there, you will be ok.
Thanks, RPP. I know I will be ok. And that I already am ok. I don't know why I woke up needing to reassure myself this morning. Guess I was too sleepy to remember where I left my mojo.
H is taking the kids tomorrow evening. It's me driving that bus but hopefully he will take over the wheel before long. He confirmed on his own today that he would take them but when I asked what time he said "in time to get them dinner before kid event." I looked him in the eye and said "what time?" And glory be!!! He said "5:30." It kills him to be pinned down.
So. Stepping back and asking specifically for what I want worked.
Off to start my day. Hugs to all who visit my domain.
I am not ready to be done.
Is there anything I can do to start turning things around?
Should I check back in with him?
^ I am thinking more about this too lately...getting antsy with the status quo I guess. Interested to see responses (but no advice of my own, I guess.) I have been reluctant to "do" anything because 1) asking for a status update may push them to answer negatively just to have an answer, 2) I worry that being more friendly sets things up for "cool, she's ok with just being friends!" Which I am not.
Maybell, do you remember saying "Stepping back and asking specifically for what I want worked." ? Stepping back does not mean you gave up. You seem to need a little space right now, take it, and breathe.
I LOVE that you asked for what you wanted with the "what time" thing. He hates being pinned down but it's only a basic show of respect to discuss specific times.
I don't think you should check back in with him.
Does your desire to turn things around mean you're not stepping back to heal anymore or are you aiming for both?
Both. I want a do over. Where it's clear that I'm not Plan B, and I don't have to drag the baggage of the last couple of years around with me, but I can get to know him freshly, and he can get to know me freshly.
I will sit on this desire for a few days and see what happens.
It's like there's four of him distinct in my mind: the H at could be, which is the one I'm thinking of when I get antsy to reach out; the H that has been, who cheated, and ignored me, and said so much to hurt me; the guy who travels out of town and doesn't reach out and won't answer questions about where he is or what he's doing; and then the one who sees me in person, who proposes lunch almost every week but won't share himself, looks at me and smiles like he wants me to reach back to him, and claims to understand why I didn't want to have lunch with him last week.
And as of this morning he was still wearing his ring even though he saw I took mine off.
Until he's one person in my mind, I should stay backed off. I'm too confused.
Maybell,
Take a deep breath! You're even confusing me!
Just two things that may help you:
1. Quit trying to categorize your H into 4 boxes. It's not helping you. It's best if you can live in the now and just accept what IS right now. And go with that notion instead of navel gazing into the What If's. Waste of time and brain power.
2. Quit trying to anticipate how you should act. If you were watching your kids watching this TV show, how do you think your kids would want to see you act? Then go with that. Because they don't have any choices here and you're both the parents. It doesn't matter if you don't want to be friends. I get that. But what do you think your kids would want you to do?
Deep breath. And hope you have something good to do when the kids are with their dad. What's on tap?
Betsey
I'm not trying to categorize him. That's just the different veins in which I think of him. I guess the "stepping back to heal" is supposed to be about cultivating a "go forward" mentality about him. To the extent I need to think about him at all.
I fell to bits at the lawyer's office last week. I'm not done. How can I still be in this place after so much time? Am I stuck?
Another road trip planned for Friday, a quick one down to see my brother's wedding. S8 asked if H was coming with us, and when I said no, he asked why not. I was taken aback -- he hasn't figured out what's going on in his family?
I said "Dad is taking a little bit of a break from my family right now."
He said "Is that why you don't ever visit his apartment with us?"
Me, "Yes." I watched his face and saw he was really sad, so I sat with him and gave him a huge hug and said, "But Dad will never take a break from you, and neither will I. We both love you all the way. That's why you visit both our houses."
He never really cried but the way he snuggled in he felt so sad. Then S6's lip started trembling so we had a family snuggle and I reassured them all over again how much we both loved them.
I had been worried about S8 tamping his feelings down but it never occurred to me that five months in he didn't understand what was going on.
Also, last night H and I solved two parenting problems via text and changed the arrangement for how he spends weekdays with the kids. He had been wanting to get more one-on-one time with them so we arranged that he'll get that with them during the week. I think this will be good for me & the kids too.
Then at the end he said he hoped I was OK, that I'd seemed kind of tense lately. I couldn't think what else to say, so I wrote "I don't like being separated." Which is true. And straightforward seems to be working with him, and improving our communication. He responded "I'm sorry. I know I told you I'd make an IC appointment. I'll send him an email now and schedule some time." I said "I hope you're doing this for yourself and not just for me." He said "I know it is something I should do for myself and can only benefit, whatever the outcome."
I hate when he tries to manage my expectations but I also appreciated the statement (and agree with it). So I just left it at that and closed the conversation.
It's not chasing but it's a wonderful improvement in our communications and considering that I'm really uncertain about what our future ought to be it's pretty much of a win just to be open and clear with one another. I'll be interested to see if I ever hear about what he talks about in IC, but I don't expect to. That would be a big layer of vulnerability for both of us to peel back with one another.
It seems he's not done with me. I think he cares about me, and I definitely care about him. If we can get to where we enjoy spending time together I would be content to not get back together until it was absolutely clear that we were both dying to live together again.
Now I'll keep my head down for a while longer and get back to worrying about myself.
Maybe this is all about you and patience.
Hi Maybelle -- It's funny that we expect our kids to understand when we don't really even understand the situation ourselves (as in why is this happening and what will the outcome be). Just last weekend, my daughter who is 14 asked if H and I were separated. (My H hasn't lived with us since Aug. 1). You would think a 14 year old would understand, but no. She thought her dad just needs space (which is what he told her) but I had to clarify the situation that he needs space to date other people and see if he really wants to stay married (which is the truth -- and one she needs to hear since she is old enough and needs to be prepared when she starts encountering H's girlfriend, whom I'm sure exists). STILL, you'd think the kids would pick up on things but they just don't -- and part of them is probably in wishful denial (like I am at times).
Why did you need to clarify the situation. Why not leave that for him?
I'm not capable of ignoring a direct question. As in, I don't feel like I have the right to. I realize how that ties into the issues we've already discussed, but it takes someone like you to point out that I don't necessarily always owe answers.
Should I have ignored the question?
Sorry, that was in reference to Ahoy's post. I hijacked a little. I think we cross-posted.
The patience part was referring to you wanting to do a temp check. You sound strong and are going to step back and heal and then suddenly you want to poke the bear.
Stay your course.
I'm not capable of ignoring a direct question. As in, I don't feel like I have the right to. I realize how that ties into the issues we've already discussed, but it takes someone like you to point out that I don't necessarily always owe answers.
Should I have ignored the question?
I know labug clarified that she wasn't referring to you, and I agree that you should stay the course. But I think you still raise an interesting point.
You are right that we don't "owe" answers to anyone. But, if we want to be in a good M, shouldn't we WANT to provide answers to our spouses? (As long as the questions are reasonable, which I think your H's was.)
I'm just seeing some parallels with my sitch -- specifically, my H's recent statement that it's not okay to "demand" emotional support from him. Sure, he doesn't "owe" it to me, but if he wants to be in a loving M, shouldn't he WANT to offer it?
At any rate, I like your response to your H. "I don't like being separated." It is a statement of feeling without blame. You can not like being separated and not be angry at your H. You can not like being separated without wanting to NOT be separated. It's useful phrase in what it does say as well as what it does NOT say.
I wasn't going to post this today because it sounds so needy... But standing in the grocery checkout today I got this awful, punched-in-the-gut certainty that he's just never coming back.
I got a job offer today. My very first interview. It's part-time, for VERY little money, but it's responsible, good experience, and I like the organization.
On the other hand, my network has been working hard on my behalf and I'm getting nibbles. The money would be HUGELY different, but what my network is reaching for is career work, full time.
If H hadn't left, I'd be dancing on tables and guzzling champagne to have found a job with such great work-life balance and potential for satisfaction. With him gone, I'm not sure how I should weigh my factors. Taking the work-life job doesn't preclude a greater career down the road and would be an easier adjustment on my kids. He'll have to pay a lot of support if we divorce... And I feel funny about that.
I feel like there are all these people who feel strongly about which way I should go on this very personal choice. My boundaries are too new to be super sturdy. I think my punched-in-the-gut feeling has to do with the fact that H doesn't even know I had the interview, won't be included in the decision of whether to take the job or hold out for something more ambitious, and by rights he ought to be celebrating with me.
It is disappointing to have this big milestone happening and not be celebrating with him. I guess that's why I feel so sick.
I should add that I'm really proud of how I've reached out to so many people to help with my job hunt and proud of myself for how I conducted myself in the interview. I have become more willing to believe people have a high opinion of me and that I offer value.
Good, Maybell. Keep building that self-esteem.
Sometimes you have to listen more carefully. I am SURE people express to you how valuable you are... are you listening? Or do you just deflect it because it can't be true?
Listen more carefully... you'll hear or see just how valuable you are.
I am celebrating with you, Maybell, for what it's worth! Congratulations on getting back out there. Don't let him take this moment away from you. Whatever you decide, and you're right that it's entirely your decision, celebrate the fact that you have opportunities and a network. I'm sure you'll follow your gut and do what's right for you. If you take the lower-paying job that allows for more of a work-life balance, then he will have to pay more child support. Having extra time may be right for you right now. However, like they say on the airplanes, put the mask on yourself first, then the kids. If you think that going for a more ambitious opportunity might be better for you in the long term (and make you less reliant on his support), then that's a valid option as well. But the choice is entirely yours! Embrace that power!
He'll have to pay a lot of support if we divorce... And I feel funny about that.
.
May ell can I ask why you feel funny about taking support? Just curious.
Because I like the idea of being independent, and financial support is an additional tie that keeps us bound.
I do not want to have an ex-husband.
Really, finances, kids, shared history... So many inescapable reasons why you CAN'T really leave a marriage, only the potential for the good in the marriage.
He took D11 for her evening with him. She went very reluctantly. He doesn't understand why, thinks she's just being prickly when she really just wants an evening to sack out at home. And I'm all hurt and queasy.
Sometimes just hating him for blowing up our life seems like the easiest path to self-defense. Too bad it's so destructive.
I don't know your financial situation, mine may be different, but my L told me I should consider.a lump sum payment in lieu of alimony. Then you would need a good investment plan for it of course. Something to consider.
I have no problem taking H's money the rest of my life. I earned every penny.
I'm getting texts from H complaining about her grumpiness. Which I'm going to ignore. He's earned this.
Really, finances, kids, shared history... So many inescapable reasons why you CAN'T really leave a marriage, only the potential for the good in the marriage.
This really resonated with me.
My husband doesn't seem to realize that a divorce only changes things on paper but when kids are involved we're in each others lives forever AND he'll be paying A LOT for a LONG time. You'd think that AND the understanding of what it does to the child(ren) would be motivation enough to work on it.
Why is it more to ask of someone to work on a marriage than it is to pay LOTS of money and potentially ruin a whole host of things for the kids?
It's hard not to see their lack of effort towards the marriage as punitive. "I've put up with so much chit, I'm leaving" instead of a mature, adult discussion of, "hey, the way this is going isn't working, clearly. What can we do differently?"
But, no.
sorry, total hijack and impromptu vent. Sheesh, where'd that come from?
[quote=Maybell]
This really resonated with me.
My husband doesn't seem to realize that a divorce only changes things on paper but when kids are involved we're in each others lives forever AND he'll be paying A LOT for a LONG time. You'd think that AND the understanding of what it does to the child(ren) would be motivation enough to work on it.
Why is it more to ask of someone to work on a marriage than it is to pay LOTS of money and potentially ruin a whole host of things for the kids?
It's hard not to see their lack of effort towards the marriage as punitive. "I've put up with so much chit, I'm leaving" instead of a mature, adult discussion of, "hey, the way this is going isn't working, clearly. What can we do differently?"
But, no.
sorry, total hijack and impromptu vent. Sheesh, where'd that come from?
It could have come out of my own mouth, that's where. I don't think he has a clear picture of how much this is gonna cost. That alone would make me reconsider.
When I said something to H early on about how expensive this would be for him, and how that could make it worth it to try first, his responses were "you shouldnt stay with someone just because of money" and "it will be expensive to spend lots of money on counseling and trying AND then all of the divorce stuff" because in his mind trying was highly unlikely to do anything. Got similar responses from the two lawyers I consulted when I said maybe H would reconsider when he sees how expensive it is to live in our house by himself "but you wouldn't want money to be the reason he comes back, would you?" Well, not the only reason, but it's a place to start. Wouldn't surprise me if these H's are getting similar messages/thoughts ($ shouldn't be a factor message). Grrr.
right, Kgirl, we don't want them to stay just because of money but between money, kids in some of our cases, investments/assets, love, a potentially stronger marriage, knowledge of self... seems like those are ALL good reasons to work on a marriage to me.
Still doesn't seem to be enough.
Sometimes I wonder if my H has had a MLC. (I could have written what you wrote, Maybell.. and probably have a very similar post somewhere).
When my H first left, he said he spoke with a recently divorced buddy who said that he would never recover financially from a D. It just ruins the finances. And, recently, he told me that he knows that the "smart" thing to do is to stay married, for lots of reasons, but he "just doesn't see a married future for us" He just feels how he feels.
Ok then.
In that case, I will do my darndest to be the spouse only a fool would walk away from, I will happily take his money every month to support our child, and with any luck he will spend the rest of his days wondering if it was really worth it. And, I will be fabulous.
And so will you, however it turns out.
Turning down support because of pride doesn't seem prudent or in your children's best interest.
Guess what I'm going to tell you, Maybell? You got it... slow down! You are flip flopping like a fish outta water! Ok, I have a little challenge for you... make your next three posts about something positive that's going on. You up for that?
Just to be clear... I'm not turning down support!!! I'M not MLC.
I thought saying I was proud of how my job search is going was positive.
I'm proud of my relationship with my boys and of how I'm transforming my relationship with my little diva.
And I'm pleased that my interview went so well today. I really demonstrated that I have a lot to offer even after twelve years out of the workforce.
Im proud of you too Maybell. I find it intimidating to think about a new job. I've been reassured by L that I don't need to change jobs but I've considered it. I admire you for going after it.
Maybell,
Congrats on the job! That's sweet. Also, it's great that you've utilized your networking skills- always a great attribute!
From the other side of the support equation, why on Earth would you feel guilty about the father of your children contributing financially? It's his responsibility. I was the primary breadwinner and have had no issues accepting support from xh. He was unemployed for long stretches and we still paid daycare for the kids. He got a bonus a few months ago just prior to our vacation. Xh gave me the bonus. I thanked him and said the children would enjoy it on their trip. Xh launched into a pity party about how if he went he would ruin their fun and the vacation would traumatize him. I quickly reverted back to a thanks again, however I was not engaging. Was it nice? Of course it was. Was it guilt? Probably, however that's something only he can deal with.
It can be difficult choosing between work/ life and $$. I have no idea what your support looks like- just think about what you might enjoy most. Yes, regardless of what career you pick , there will be trade offs.
And just to chime in on the thoughts about saving your M, at MC (which is an epic waste of $ to go to with a WAS/MLCer, my xh said " he was pretty sure he didn't want the M to work." He said this 2 different MCs. I remember thinking "who says this?" Then , of course they ask if our respective parents were married (they both were) and I realized MC (like everyone said here) was a waste of time.
Your kids are lucky to have such a caring, devoted mom. Keep up the positives:-)
I'm proud of you, too, Maybell!!!
I hope you received my message as it was intended-- totally cheerleading you, and just trying (with some probably poorly-worded attempt at humor) to slightly shift your mindset. I loved hearing you confidently say you were giving yourself some space, and giving the rest of it some time.
I'm cheering you on, too, Maybell. You have a lot to of inspiring gifts that attract people to you. Just look at the hoards of your fans on here.
What I am trying to say is that we all have insecurities but you are really doing a great job of finding your strengths, building them up and realizing that you have even more strengths just below those original strengths.
Keep looking for them because the ARE there. The insight you have is truly remarkable and from my perspective, you are an absolute inspiration in every way.
Sending you high fives on the job front. YEAH!
I don't feel weird about support for them. Just support for me. But that doesn't mean I won't take it!!
I'm doing ok, y'all. I just had that overpowering feeling in the store and it hurt and I had to take it someplace.
He must have had a very rough time with D11. She did not have one good thing to say about her evening with him and even insisted on being returned to the boys' activity early. (Fwiw, I told him I was sorry it hadn't gone better) she complained about him the whole rest of the evening.
I'm curious how he's processing that.
I really am feeling more like myself. I'm reading another novel that's been on. My to-read list since it came out. H read it last year and said he thought I wouldn't like it because it's too rough for me. It is pretty gritty... But I'm enjoying it anyway. Score one for Maybell's underestimated intellect.
Loving the fall weather and my sense of success, though I worry that the job they want done can't be achieved in the amount of time they can afford to pay for it.
Oh, and thanks to my awesome washer & dryer my laundry is not piled up beyond my ability to keep up.
See, Claire!!! I'm primarily happy!!
Positive things for today:
I have been thinking a lot about this job and I had some very intelligent thoughts that make me feel like I've still got it.
(Not sure if I'm going to take it... will discuss in IC today).
It's a GORGEOUS day. ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL. I love fall and I'm excited to get out a different part of my wardrobe.
D11 was a total grouch last night and some this morning... but I understood why and let it roll off my back.
I have a BIG worry about a friend who is in a scary place in her marriage right now. I want to help her and I'm worried she won't accept it (though she really, really needs it). But it feels really good to:
a) be able to empathize with some of her fears and
b) have something worth worrying about besides myself and
c) be in a place where I can stop being so self-centered.
It's weird that something scary and worrisome is a positive in my life, but I feel so much stronger in being able to even care for her and put that out there that it makes me happy.
Claire, I did take your post the way you meant it... but thanks for the reminder.
It's weird that something scary and worrisome is a positive in my life, but I feel so much stronger in being able to even care for her and put that out there that it makes me happy.
I think the positive is actually that you able to approach a friend's scary and worrisome problem from a place of strength and even wisdom. Glad you are there for her!
Maybe she just needs a friend to listen, your unconditional presence.
When people come here they're asking for a different kind of support. (some are, some aren't)
When H texted about your daughter, and I think it s similar issue to that you've had with her, might you have validated a little? Not solved his problem, just parents commiserating. Unconditional presence.
About the money, you have earned it.
What emotion were you acting from there?
And just one thing, the last couple of pages of this thread are all lamenting from you and others about how unfair this all is. And while that may be very true, how is it moving you forward? That's all in the past. It can't be changed. Don't keep giving it space in your head.
It keeps us stuck, not living in reality. This is a painful process but continuing to long for things in the past to be different doesn't change anything. We have control of this one life, not our H's life, not our kids lives, our life, our future. When those thoughts come up, acknowledge the pain and then change your thoughts.
Hugs to you all, I know this is difficult and painful but don't keep dragging that around with you. You're worth so much more than that.
I didn't validate him in that moment because I was fielding a barrage of angry texts from D11 (and had been fielding anger from her in the time leading up to his picking her up) while making dinner for the boys I didn't have the patience to validate everyone. I felt that my continuously redirecting her to him and affirming that he was the parent in charge at that moment was as much validation as I had in me for him. I did validate him later in the evening when he told me he was bringing her back early. And I was friendly but distant when he actually dropped her off.
My IC and I talked this morning about how I can make that more successful going forward while still respecting his sandbox. I may be better in myself but I still have a lot of skills to learn.
That good interview, the offer, and the way I've been able to think about this job have REALLY done a lot to click things into place for me in the last 24 hours. I learned a lot about taking a few moments to process things before I spoke, to stop and consider before I respond, even when emotions are running high, and I've seen the way my kids really respond to me when I meet them calmly but firmly. I had no idea it could be like this. I've come to terms with the fact that at times when there are decisions to be made, most likely someone is going to be disappointed that I didn't see thing their way -- but it's still my sandbox.
I think, Labug, that although you read a lot of negativity in the last few pages, not all of it was mine, and some of it was developmental leap pain. Today, I feel like a different woman and I can't even remember what I was complaining about. I feel strong, and like I want to protect my strength.
Also, this is such a tiny thing, but it has made a difference to me... I had my nails done last week and I chose to get gels rather than ordinary polish and a week later they still look perfect. I do a lot with my hands (as most moms do) and usually I couldn't go more than a couple of days without a flaw of some sort. Somehow, I made that a reflection of ME. Can you imagine? Seeing chipped nail polish and thinking that defined your quality as a person? Ridiculous!! And yet I did.
About the money, you have earned it.
What emotion were you acting from there?
I have always wanted to be strong and independent. I think feeling funny about accepting support from him was about that. So I have to learn to believe that I actually earned it (intellectually, I know I did, because I partially made it possible), which is not today's problem. Today is about being happy that I'm happy.
My friend needs a lot more than just moral support, but I wouldn't be able to offer moral support if I hadn't been going through this experience myself. Unconditional presence sometimes means you have to have walked at least part of the walk yourself to understand the presence part of unconditional presence.
Oh, and IC confirmed that H did reach out to him to set up a counseling appointment, but IC hadn't responded because he wanted to make sure it was ok with me before he set up the time. I said ABSOLUTELY, because worst case scenario my H needs help with his communications skills too because whether or not we reconcile he would need to be able to work with me and the kids to be a great dad on his own.
Things are getting interesting.
Oh, and IC confirmed that H did reach out to him to set up a counseling appointment
I think that's good, no matter what happens later. I wish my H would go to IC, I've been a few times, he has yet to make an appointment. He says he's been too busy apartment shopping to have time for an IC appointment.
Three good things about today:
1) Housecleaner is here! And I looked in D11's room and saw CHAOS, so I'm tackling that, which will definitely improve her mood and wardrobe situation.
2) Nothing planned for this evening, so I've promised the kids a sack-out evening which they are very much looking forward to.
3) Fall weather!!! The windows are open and the house is getting aired and everything will be fresh by lunchtime.
And I still feel good about where I am.
Hugs to all who visit my domain!!!
I didn't validate him in that moment because I was fielding a barrage of angry texts from D11 (and had been fielding anger from her in the time leading up to his picking her up) while making dinner for the boys I didn't have the patience to validate everyone. I felt that my continuously redirecting her to him and affirming that he was the parent in charge at that moment was as much validation as I had in me for him. I did validate him later in the evening when he told me he was bringing her back early. And I was friendly but distant when he actually dropped her off.
My IC and I talked this morning about how I can make that more successful going forward while still respecting his sandbox. I may be better in myself but I still have a lot of skills to learn.
That good interview, the offer, and the way I've been able to think about this job have REALLY done a lot to click things into place for me in the last 24 hours. I learned a lot about taking a few moments to process things before I spoke, to stop and consider before I respond, even when emotions are running high, and I've seen the way my kids really respond to me when I meet them calmly but firmly. I had no idea it could be like this. I've come to terms with the fact that at times when there are decisions to be made, most likely someone is going to be disappointed that I didn't see thing their way -- but it's still my sandbox.
I think, Labug, that although you read a lot of negativity in the last few pages, not all of it was mine, and some of it was developmental leap pain. Today, I feel like a different woman and I can't even remember what I was complaining about. I feel strong, and like I want to protect my strength.
Also, this is such a tiny thing, but it has made a difference to me... I had my nails done last week and I chose to get gels rather than ordinary polish and a week later they still look perfect. I do a lot with my hands (as most moms do) and usually I couldn't go more than a couple of days without a flaw of some sort. Somehow, I made that a reflection of ME. Can you imagine? Seeing chipped nail polish and thinking that defined your quality as a person? Ridiculous!! And yet I did.
About the money, you have earned it.
What emotion were you acting from there?
I have always wanted to be strong and independent. I think feeling funny about accepting support from him was about that. So I have to learn to believe that I actually earned it (intellectually, I know I did, because I partially made it possible), which is not today's problem. Today is about being happy that I'm happy.
My friend needs a lot more than just moral support, but I wouldn't be able to offer moral support if I hadn't been going through this experience myself. Unconditional presence sometimes means you have to have walked at least part of the walk yourself to understand the presence part of unconditional presence.
This all sounds great, Maybell.
And I wasn't picking on you. I'm sorry.
We tend to stick with the negative stuff because our brains are hardwired to pick up on trouble in the jungle (or desert) so we can avoid danger. That kicks in often without us even knowing it and it takes work to not believe everything our mind tells us.
It's a wonderful thing to have choices.
You know, I had some flaws as a wife but I didn't deserve for him to abandon his vows and walk away. I hope he doesn't think of himself as a person of integrity.
Biting my lip right now to keep from telling him how horribly I think he's behaving. I hate this very passionately.
Somebody tell me what to do with all this upset before I send an unfortunate text.
Can you write him a letter (like actually on a piece of paper) instead, say everything you'd like to say, then don't give it to him? Or...something I recently did was post in craiglist missed connections. Even if he doesn't read it he won't know it's actually for him and now I feel like it's "out there"
sometimes it also helps me to tell myself that he just didn't have any other tools or coping skills, he just didn't know what else to do - he is not purposefully being hurtful or mean.
maybell,
Is it too late there for perhaps a well-paced walk? While leaving your phone at home?!
Or vacuum a room which allows you to speak angrily with few people hearing (not that I have any experience with that).
or write out the perfect text you want to send him here. Take your time in phrasing and get just the right words. That will probably feel quite cathartic.
How are these doing as suggestions?
Grr. Spent the weekend at my little brother's wedding. Not happy to be separated.
And I'm not so horrible that I deserve this.
I hear you Maybell. I am right there with you. I keep flopping back and forth between pity (how weak he must be-- he just doesn't really seem to want to be a full time father and partner), and soooo livid, like he disgusts me and I don't know how I can stand to look at his stupid face.
We definitely did not deserve this.
And yet, it happens. And so many bad things happen to people who don't deserve them to.
I don't mean to minimize your pain. I just mean we are in very good company. People just like us who are finding the strength to go on and be great moms or dads and friends and maybe even someday a romantic partner to somebody again.
(P.s. I'm at 11 months. When do I get to throw all the stupid sh!t he left here in the dumpster?)
I restrained myself and did not send snark. But we text chatted for a long, long time, so hopefully that did some good. And he has the IC appt tomorrow. So we'll see.
Thank you, friends, can't wait till the forum is functioning properly again so we don't get all these crazy glitches.
Is it too big a goal to hope he asks if we can spend thanksgiving together?
Hope without expectation? Is that an oxymoron?
We have to have hope, right?
Hope without expectation = faith.
Was it Ahoy who said that faith is using two different roads in the anticipation of ending up at the same destination?
Her little parable was much neater than that but that was the message.
Text conversations are awesome because you can check the transcript. He said several hopeful things, including *when* we put the rings back on.
He is who he is. We agreed we stink at relationships. I hope we find better skills to change our path.
Maybell,
You have such a calmer, more peaceful tone. Try to hold on to this feeling when the next wave of anger, etc comes up.
One more thought about this line:
"I hope we find better skills to change our path."
The thing is, skills are not "found"--they are developed through mindful practice. You can't hope to find skills-- you have to work to develop them. You can hope that your H decides to put in the work on his end, but you have total control over yours.
I'm nit-picking over semantics, maybe, but to me it is an important distinction. Growth mindset, baby! If you put in the effort to build YOUR skills, you WILL get results-- if not for this R, then certainly the next one.
It may be weak to say so, but I felt better after talking to him because it was comforting to turn to my best friend after everything that upset me about the weekend. I didn't have to say much about it for him to respond exactly as I needed. And then I moved on to other things that we could share that were less personal before the conversation could get smothering.
I wish I understood what I can do for him that feels the same kind of comforting. I probably missed an opportunity in there.
There was still a lot in our conversation that was really unsettling. But he emphasized several times the IC he has set up and seems to be putting a lot of hope in that so we'll see. I wish he had more agency.
I think I know a couple of things to do next.
That's great to hear Maybell! That says a lot that you would still call him your best friend.
Here's how I know he's not thinking clearly: he can't stomach the thought of returning to a passionless marriage... But apparently he thinks I would be totally fine with that. As in, he has no responsibility to provide me with a passionate relationship, but I have to give him one. How's that for selfish? I think he's got some growing to do.
I say that with love.
He said he started IC today. So I'm going to try to back off for a few weeks while he gets into that. If he invites, I'll accept if it works out. We already talked about a cool river outing I found. Other than that, ball's in his court.
How am I doing?
(Oh, and yesterday he commented on what a great time I seem to be having with all my friends.)
Reminder to myself: be patient. Be focused on the things I CAN change. Listen and validate everyone I meet. Enjoy where I am. Treat myself with love. Release my expectations and make room for delightful surprises. BE HAPPY.
^^^^^
Good reminder for everyone, Maybell!
Maybell, you sound like you're doing great! I'm so glad that your H is in IC, and you're right to give him the emotional space. I wish I had come up with the parable about the two roads leading to the same location, but it was someone else (but I too connected with that story).
As for thanksgiving, if you can afford to be patient, do so. I just got criticized on bashy's thread for making holiday plans for myself separately. The thing is, though, I have to book expensive tickets home to see my family, so I can't afford to wait (and my father is ill). I would have waited if I could, but I don't want to pressure my H to make plans that include me, and I also don't want to end up alone over the holidays, or celebrating without him there, even though he lives nearby. Maybe I should have been more patient, but I do have to practice GAL and self care. So hard to know where to draw the line!
Wait if you can!
I've been returning to my post from this morning like a mantra. I'm feeling a little wobbly. The conversation Sunday night was nice, closing in on a guy I want to be married to -- not there yet, but getting there. It makes me greedy for more and better.
The thing about wanting the passionate life, though, that's aggravating me. It makes me understand that he's still getting over the stupid OW who was 90% fantasy. I'm impatient for him to understand reality. "Passionate life" makes me think of someone like Richard Branson -- and does he think that Richard Branson's life just happens to him, or does he recognize that Richard Branson makes his life happen???
The job isn't coming together as promptly as I want it to. I'm a little frustrated. I don't do well at home and I want to keep moving forward. Here's where I need to exercise a little agency of my own... and there's a part of me that's a little stuck. That has always been stuck. I don't want to be; part of my journey is learning how to overcome it. I don't want to be Richard Branson, but I do want to focus and start tackling my bucket list.
One more time for the back of the room:
Be patient. Focus on the things I CAN change. Listen and validate everyone I meet. Enjoy where I am. Treat myself with love. Release my expectations and make room for delightful surprises. BE HAPPY.
And sometimes the road is difficult but in sitting with it we find that it does pass.
Let go.
We are the sky, everything else is just the weather.~Pema
Maybell,
I see great change in you in just the last few weeks in that you are able to notice the times when your mind starts racing ahead and you can remind yourself of your new manifesto. You got this.
As for me, I think I had a small setback-- not keeping the road paved if I am honest with myself. Need to process that so will try to post later.
Just at this moment I want someone to say, yes, he's getting there, and yes, he remembers that he loves you passionately, and here is the path that you have left to travel till things work out to be amazing. Because he's been my best friend for 18 years and I don't want to lose my best friend.
Yes, I know, let go. I am, really. I see he has his own path, and that he really needs to walk it, because he doesn't even understand what a healthy relationship looks like at the moment, let alone how to sustain one. I really do see that. But also, I'm greedy and selfish and I miss knowing him. He is special to me. Part of the pleasure of watching my kids grow up is tracing the things about him and me in each of them. I miss reaching out to him and having him reach back.
Is he getting there? Does he miss me too?
I want him to walk his path and be well. And I want his path to lead back to me.
I'm going to be silent here.
Labug, I'm sorry, I'm dense. What are you not saying?
I am working to release what I can not control. I don't do well at home, but sometimes I have to be home to get things done. I'm distracting myself being on the board right now, but we have had an email exchange about something that was business related and of course we both touched on personal things for a moment too. It makes me wobble.
He's got to do what he's got to do. He's started the IC and he needs time to work with that for a while. I just am greedy.
Be patient. Focus on the things I CAN change. Listen and validate everyone I meet. Enjoy where I am. Treat myself with love. Release my expectations and make room for delightful surprises. BE HAPPY.
Ok, Ok.
I'm going to print off about fifty copies of my mantra and put it all over the house. Then I'm going to get a Sharpie and write it on my hands. Both of them.
Labug, I'm sorry, I'm dense. What are you not saying?
I am working to release what I can not control. I don't do well at home, but sometimes I have to be home to get things done. I'm distracting myself being on the board right now, but we have had an email exchange about something that was business related and of course we both touched on personal things for a moment too. It makes me wobble.
He's got to do what he's got to do. He's started the IC and he needs time to work with that for a while. I just am greedy.
You're not dense. I'm not saying anything. You don't need it. You know where you need to get, there are just some big rocks (used to be boulders) in the way. Clearing them takes time and effort, sometimes a a little detour.
You're getting there.
^^^this.
Maybell, maybe it would help you to have a shortened version of your mantra. Something that you can memorize and repeat to yourself. Mantras can be very calming and thought-redirecting that way. Try something with a pattern of 3, that has a bit of rhythm as you repeat it.
Something like "Be patient, enjoy, release", for example.
(Mine is, "I am confident, capable and strong")
My mantra is easy to remember:
STFU, breathe, slow down. LOL
May I be safe, may I be free from suffering, may I be at peace.
May you be safe, my you be free from suffering, may you be at peace.
That little practice always brings me back to the core of things.
Ss06, I love your mantra. I think I will adopt it. I think we have similar challenges!
In today's email exchange we've agreed we miss our friendship but aren't sure how to foster it safely. (I said it first but he replied with agreement and said it more strongly.)
He suggested doing things with the kids.
I don't want to reject opportunities to show him my awesomeness, but I feel like so much of our life pre-bomb was about the kids. I want to foster our private relationship before we go back to spending all our time together with the kids. I worry that doing family things would be more of the same, and he would see me as the mom and not as the woman he fell in love with.
I suspect I will hear some guidance saying I've got it wrong. I'm open to the wisdom and perspective of others so I'm taking time before I respond to him.
This place is hard -- to be speaking personally to him and restraining the ache I feel to be where we deserve to be with each other. I had put aside my love and now I feel it again. It's bittersweet; love is a wonderful feeling, unrequited love is painful.
I guess this uncertain place is one of the facets of new love that makes the first kiss and all those other pieces of a new relationship so delicious.
It occurs to me that taking off my ring was one of the things that helped me change gears and be open to this new phase. Interesting.
Looking forward to hearing thoughts about family outings.
Family outings are a great place to foster a friendship, I think, however, it's really more about the kids and less about a friendship, you know.
There's a fine line between hanging out as friends and "a date". The difference, I believe, is the expectations. Perhaps plan a get together (not a date) during the day that's casual but fun. Let's say bowling (encouraging, slight competition, lots of things to comment on, guaranteed fun and can be relatively short) maybe. This is a great time to have short unintense conversations (like the beginning of a new friendship) about moderately intimate things.
What do friends do? They talk, they laugh, they poke a little fun (not to be confused with flirting), they support, they encourage, they listen, they have inside jokes. Try to make the conversations NOT about the kids, but pull out an inside joke or start a new one.
You can do friendship. Allow yourself to remove the WEIGHT of your past and start the friendship anew for just the small amount of time you're together for that get together. Ask questions of him that you ask of your friends ("so whatever happened with that scenario at work?").
Let this be easy for you. It's friendship. You're GREAT at friendship.
Maybell, I feel like our past few years have been all about the kids, too, to the detriment of the M. I thought that we were just in a child centered phase, and that when they were older we'd get back to us. That was naïve of me.
H only wants to do things with the kids at this point. When we were still in MC, she suggested that we go on a few "dates". H balked every time. Our original separation agreement provided for a few "dates". H balked again and we eliminated that. Last week when we went back to MC to go over the separation agreement, MC asked about our ongoing relationship as a couple during the S. Basically, outside co-parenting, we aren't going to have one. That kills me.
To me, dating - meaning just the two of you without the kids - is important. If that's something your H is willing to do, I'd be all over it.
I'm in the opposite situation. My H will date me, but he refuses to do anything as a family yet. I think he wants to avoid giving false hope to our D7, but it ends up killing some of my hope too.
My H is very focused on our D7 and it's easy for me to feel ignored when we're together as a family. It's probably good that he's not up for family activities yet, because I'm probably not ready either. But, I can see how that could be a source of connection for other couples.
I might be wiling to try it if 1:1 dates were not an option.
Here's what I'm thinking of saying:
While I'm happy to do things together with the kids -- say, once a month or so -- it is important to me that we spend some time alone together if we want to rebuild our friendship. I have been working hard the last few months to see myself as a whole person and not just a mom. I don't want to feel limited that way anymore, and I'd like you to see me as a whole person too.
I understand somewhat where you are right now. As best I can. I also understand where I am and how much of a struggle it has been to get to a place where I can think of spending time with you without expectations so it's just as important to me that we not cross boundaries. What I want and believe is possible hasn't changed, but we both have to get there. It takes how long it takes.
You mentioned on Sunday night that things need a fairly big reset to change. I absolutely agree with that. If you have any thoughts on what you would need to see reset that you feel ready to share with me, I welcome hearing them. In the meantime, I hope we can find a happy medium where we rediscover our friendship and explore new ways of spending time together that respect how we're both feeling.
I know it needs some edits so I'm looking forward to feedback.
Are you in a place where you can made demands of him yet? (I'm wondering about that first paragraph.)
I'm not sure you need the rest -- just show him that by your actions (which he'll believe more than your words anyway).
I know I couldn't say any of that to my WAH right now. I definitely can't pick and choose when I see him, since we've been on only 1 family dinner out and 1 walk just the two of us in the past two months. I also can't presume to understand where he is right now, since he's not opening up all the way.
We were talking about an outing we thought we might do together. We decided against it because we're not yet ready to spend that much time together alone. H suggested adapting it to a family outing and I wanted to make it clear that that won't work for me on an exclusive basis.
There are two of us in this mess. He is driving a lot, but I get a say too. That's my say.
The middle paragraph is about validating a statement he made to me in an email.
The last one is because he's never said what's wrong with our relationship except that we weren't close. I'm working to change that as best I can, but he is not the most communicative guy I know and I don't want to miss any chances to let him know in a respectful way that I want to hear from him when he's ready. During a lot of the time before he left my communication was basically fury about the affair and his lack of effort in the marriage. Afterwards, I alternated between silence and... Well, guess basically silence punctuated by the odd moment of defensiveness. This isn't so much telling him I've changed as offering an opening in an undemanding way.
Of course you get a say, Maybell, and only you know what is right for your situation.
My H too is not saying what's wrong with our relationship (except making lame excuses like I don't host enough parties?), but when I push him to communicate with me, it pushes him further away. That's my only concern.
In my case, I've told H that I'm sorry for whatever behaviors of mine contributed to his feeling so terrible to the point of having to leave, and that it is worth it to me to work on those things together if that's something he chooses. But I said that early on in the process. I definitely don't reiterate it unless asked (he hasn't in months asked me anything personal).
I'm glad you are in a place where you have more open communication with your H -- I hope that helps you in rebuilding the relationship.
Hi Maybell,
It's so interesting to see how things are changing for you. It kind of scares me because I think we were both in a negative-ish place and now you are moving to a happier loving place. It scares me a bit because I wonder if I too will go to the loving place again and I'm not sure I want to!
I think your draft is good but to me it is too wordy and long (for a guy). I feel like people (men) prefer very short messages, and if he wants to know more maybe he can ask? I'd cut it in half. Let's see if I can try?
"While I'm happy to do things together with the kids sometimes, I'd like to spend time alone together to try to rebuild our friendship. I'd prefer to interact as people, not just as parents.
I understand somewhat where you are right now. It is also important to me that we not cross boundaries and have too many expectations.
You mentioned on Sunday night that things need a fairly big reset to change. I absolutely agree with that. If you have any thoughts on what you would need to see reset that you feel ready to share with me, I welcome hearing them. "
I butchered it but I think short and sweet is better?
Big hugs, Lisa
Maybell, I haven't been on the boards a ton these past few days. Just skimming, so forgive me if I'm missing key info. But I saw a bit about H being concerned about passion. I know some of it is the OW fantasy but also wonder if you should give this some more thought. Is this something that was strong in the beginning of your relationship and died over time, or was it always an issue? I guess I would suggest giving it more thought. It would certainly up his interested in being 1x1 with you!
MDU, yes, he says he wants more closeness and passion in a relationship than what we've had in the last few years. I've wanted this too, but in many ways he was the obstacle -- when I tried to do things to promote it he would stonewall. When I said I felt like we'd drifted apart he'd say "we're fine." So there's more to it than just wanting passion and closeness. But the blue email I drafted above is me trying to balance that need he's claiming with the fact that we're not currently in a place where I can give it to him. I want him to stop thinking of me as the mom and start seeing me as a woman who also wants those things.
...and downhearted because that job went to someone else even though they asked me if I wanted it, and they didn't even have the courtesy to let me know. Sigh.
Well, H stayed for a glass of wine after dropping kids. I did a TERRIBLE job at first, frustrated at him for not stepping up with kids (reasonable) asking why we're apart (unreasonable)... Took me a little time to pull it together.
I told him that I've been missing him for years, so in my mind there was a distinction between missing him as being part of a couple and missing him for himself, and that at the moment I just missed him for himself, for the closeness we used to share that I've been missing for so long. That was bad DBing. But there you go, it's out there.
Then I did pull it together and we talked about spending time together. Tossed a couple of scenarios back & forth. Nothing established... But we weren't talking about going to lunch either. We were talking about "dates," till I told him we should just call it hanging out to keep the pressure off. He liked that. He still feels "nothing" for me... Well, that's for now. I got him to laugh. He was frustrated at how my parents treat me. He calls where we are a gray area. We talked about impersonal things, books, movies, etc. I teased him about dating -- he said he wasn't to that point yet but might get there. I said, laughing, yes, you'd be a real catch, how's that going to work? He laughed too and I said "I can't stop you if that's what you're going to do, but keep an eye on your self-respect." He said he wasn't going to make his situation any more complicated than it already is.
We talked a little bit about how long things have been bad between us and what I understand about how he got to this place.
I'd say I did probably 60% wrong and 40% right but he did hug me at the end. So, I don't know if it's progress or if I'm just doing a little bit better.
He pointed out he's only had the kids three weekends. So even though we've been apart five months, it hasn't been that long for him because of the travel. So I've got to remember that.
What more can I say? I hate this place. On the other hand, I am beginning to like who I am so it was probably worth it. The cost is awfully high though.
He's only going to IC once every three weeks. Sigh.
Well, I think you did pretty darn good considering, Maybell. Being perfect in the moment is impossible.
I guess I'm confused how he feels "nothing" for you. What's the point of "hanging out" then? And he's considering dating other people? I'm confused by that.
All in all I think you are really sounding stronger and more confident. Keep it up, Maybell!
Well, I think he does not feel nothing for me. I think he hides from his feelings and tries to deny that he has them. I think he doesn't want the responsibility of the relationship but isnt ready to walk away entirely. For whatever reason -- I don't think I motivate him yet. He also said he doesn't like to talk about himself, but when I ask the right questions he says a lot.
I did tell him I was done compensating for him and that I was going to take him at face value. That was apropos of my calling him out after he said he "didn't mind helping with the kids." I told him I was done giving him credit for thinking things that weren't demonstrated by his words.
He wants to consider dating other people because he likes to think of himself having the liberty to do that. That's my view.
He is kind of icky in some ways, but it think this isn't entirely who he is.
Exciting stuff, Maybell!
Don't focus too much on what he said.
Liking who you are seems pretty important, in the general scheme of life. I think it's priceless.
(((hugs!)))
He "doesn't mind helping with the kids"? I really like what you said about no longer giving him credit for non-action but what father "helps" with the kids? It's called being a father. Ugh.
I agree with Claire, too. It is absolutely priceless to like who you are. I believe it's one of the main reasons we're on this planet.
And yet in spite of all my strong moments I still just want someone to tell me that I haven't chased him further away and when we're going to succeed in reconnecting. And when he'll start having a little more faith in him & me. I'm tired of all this and a little angry. Especially about the kid part. And sincerely, miss the good bits.
Or I'm doing things out of order and trying to turn a marathon into a 5k.
We're all trying to turn a marathon into a 5K, Maybell. I think it's only human of us.
Having no guarantees of if or when or how is such a HUGE part of the pain of this process. I've heard that there's no way around it, only through. I liken it to The NeverEnding Story (remember that movie?!). There's this super long journey to find and kill the Nothing and all these tests that are impossible to pass, the death of a beautiful horse and meeting strange characters along the way yet even in the end, despite the help of Falkor (the goodluck dragon), there was nothing left of Fantasia. Makes you wonder what the whole point of the journey was...
I wish for you a goodluck dragon to help you on what seems to be a NeverEnding Story.
Gah, I'm such a nerd.
I'm just venting here, so please don't count this against the letting go I've been working on.
But I think my H is ridiculous. He is the one who created the distance between us. He is the one who has not tended to the relationship. He fails to talk through an enormous decision (the move seven years ago), abandons me to misery until I can pull myself put of my own unhappiness, enjoys without nurturing the closeness that follows, distances again, and then gives yo because he's so unhappy with the loneliness he's nurtured himself. Did I have a role? Yes, absolutely. But he has never taken the trouble to care for our relationship. He is failing to leant from anything now and I want to smack him and say this is so stupid!!!!! What do you think marriage is like??????
I told him our D11 needs recharge time when she stays the weekend with him and his so,union is that he wants her to walk to the library. I said over and over, she wants time at home to unwind, just like you, but he seems not to have noticed that he wouldn't feel recharged by exile either. He's such a dolt. So emotionally stunted and so unworthy of the care I've been trying to take. I believe he will just do this again because he's stupid.
I want to throw in the towel. I feel a huge lump in my chest at how poorly I chose, at the waste of eighteen years, at the horrible investment I made in this selfish, unimaginative a$$. I feel horrible for my kids who have been saddled with a dad who has the nerve to call spending one evening a week with them "helping out."
I feel disgusted with myself for allowing myself to be so needy with him, and for taking to myself the blame for the failure in our marriage when through the last several years of it I was doing everything I could ink of to close the gap that I have been thinking caused it. When in truth he's just selfish and immature and brittle. I'm better off without someone so cowardly. I am furious with him for being so lame and myself for wanting to rely on he leadership of someone who won't lead. I'm sick of this and I want to just move on. He is gross.
I want to continue on ranting but I'm aware that this is a semi-public place and from here I'll just be repeating myself. I want to cut the strings from this lame loser and I wish I could cut the children's strings for. Him too so they wouldn't spend the rest of their childhoods being hurt by his selfishness, his lack of agency, his weakness, his up curiousness, his stupidity. The weight in my chest where his betrayal sits is crushing me. How dare he hurt us his way??? And how dare I think that I could fix any of this???? How could I have chosen so poorly??? What was I thinking??? Why should I find him the slightest but attractive??? How could I demean myself with wanting him back?????
And yet I don't see he point of breaking up. It's so stupid and fixable. I want to throw up.
Oh, and by the way, close relationships don't just happen. They have to be nurtured intentionally. And I would say I'm the greater authority in this area because I have a number of close relationships and he has none. But he could have if he wasn't such a cowardly dingbat who averts his eyes from learning.
GAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
I drafted an email and am pasting it here rather than sending it to him so my head can cool. The "I'm paying for this house" was a comment he made in response to my request that he take all his winter clothes back to his apartment and not only the ones he wanted. (He also said his apartment was really small, but it's bigger than the last rental house the five of us lived in together...)
I'm really angry that you said "I'm paying for this house," as though I'm completely sponging off you. The truth is, you chose this house. For a future that we were planning together. And also, you chose to leave it. And you've left me to be the one to deal with all the fall out, from managing the house single-handedly even though it's way too big for one adult, to managing the kids' hurt and their missing you all by myself.
They're relieved to see you and so you don't have to deal with the hard conversations. You don't have to see the way D11 flinched when she asked if we were spending Thanksgiving together and I said I didn't think so. You don't see how they look when I promise you love them even though you don't want to live with us. You never even have to promise I love them; it doesn't occur to you I might have to make that assurance on your behalf. (I've had to many times.) You have the nerve to say you're "happy to help out" when they are your children too, and by rights you ought to be the one taking the consequences of what I think is a really cowardly and immature decision, not me. You shouldn't need to be told to make time to have dinner with them during the week. I didn't ask for your help taking them to karate, I asked you to spend time with them and to share the parenting responsibility. I shouldn't have to; you have a responsibility to arrange to see them more often than every other weekend.
You are failing to nurture your relationships with them through the tough times exactly the way you failed to nurture our relationship. Why would you think the consequences will be different? Have you talked to adult friends whose parents divorced when they were children? I have. It's grim. Let's start with: (new SIL) walked down the aisle by herself in consequence of her parents splitting up when she was a kid. It gets worse from there. Is that the person you want to be? And do you want them to walk away from you as you're walking away from me & them? You're already starting to see it with D11, do you realize?
This isn't to guilt you into wanting to spend time with me. I don't need to do that because I am worth more than that. I am attractive and fun and loving and I have the capacity to care about others unselfishly. As I've shown you many times. As I'm showing now by caring for the kids single-handedly through the last five months, except for one week, four weekends and two week nights. I've made many mistakes, but I am willing to learn from them and I'm working to learn from them. I can be happy without you, even if it takes time to get there. But the kids will always be scarred by the way you are treating them. They've been visibly scarred by the last six months and that won't change. The best you can do at this point is not make it worse. So please start making that happen. I can not bear to see how they are hurting because of your inattentiveness. Being a good husband and father is a matter of making intentional choices every day for the good of your family. It's not a spontaneous talent.
Also, would YOU feel recharged by being sent to spend the afternoon in the library? Why do you think D11 would? I don't know what solution to suggest, and it's your problem to solve, but you should think that one through. Or maybe discuss it with her. You say you want her life to be as normal as possible in spite of your choices. Think about what would be normal for her. Sending her off to the library by herself isn't that. They are coming to realize they can't take any activity or free time for granted because they have to split their time between our households. This is a stupid way for children to have to think. Your happiness shouldn't come at their expense. You should figure out how to be happy so they don't have to pay for it.
I appreciate, and have always appreciated how smart you are and how hard you work to make this lifestyle possible. I have come to think, though, it wasn't worth the cost. I'd rather have been married to a plumber who cared about his family and was willing to lead and protect us than be married to an executive who can't or won't.
Maybe all this makes me repulsive to you now. You're probably going to get really mad and chalk one more black mark next to my name. If it makes you a better dad, then I don't care. I hate what you've done to our family and to our marriage. We have young kids and will be tied to each other for many years. (Which includes paying for our care.) Choosing to leave and refusing to take responsibility for your part in fixing all this is like choosing the "for worse" part of our vows to each other and giving up on the possibility of making the "for better" happen. If that's your choice, that's your choice. But quit thinking the kids are my problem and at least start putting more constant effort into their well-being, because they are victims in this mess.
Maybell,
Just lots and lots of hugs.
I think it speaks volumes about your character that you can still have compassion and hope and it often sounds even like love for this man.
It can be so crushing when those we love don't live up to our expectations of who we think they should be. And when we marry, it's hard to know whether our partner will be cut out for the difficult work of parenting, that requires us to nearly always put another human's needs first and be selfless. That is tough to do.
Sometimes you gotta just vent. Hang in there. Thankfully your children have you-- a mom who is so capable and mature and able to put their well-being first, and be loving and supportive to them even when you are hurting.
Lots and lots of hugs to you.
Big hugs to you, Maybell! You have a lot going through your head right now. It's good to use this forum for venting when you need to (I certainly do). I hope writing that letter, even if you don't send it, brought some release. Sometimes the best thing to do is vent in a safe place, then give yourself some time for the anger to pass (it will).
Just know you are doing a terrific job for your kids. Regardless of his involvement as a parent, and the fact that nothing you say to him will likely make him a better parent, you can be there for your kids. You are enough, even though it might feel overwhelming at times.
Hang in there.