Hi everyone. Been looking on here for a while now. My sich is married 20 years together 25. all ok over the years ( or so I thought). Had lots of health problems re kidney transplants and wife has been fantastic. Great mother and my best friend. Had been on Dyalisis for the last 5 years and I wasn't any help around the house although I did go to work everyday to provide. Noticed wife unhappy the last few months after I got new kidney but when questioned she was always just tired. Since Iour first child was born my wife has had very little lsex drive. We have dealt with this even though it was never resolved. W started to volunteer at an animal shelter about two years ago and it's taken over her life. I fully understand she needs her own space but it has taken over. See has new friends, 20 years younger who she goes out with rarely and when she does she complains they are immature In fen she told me she no longer wants to have sex but loves me more than anything and can we stay together for the kids. I handled it very badly and things have gone downhill since to the point of desperate bedrooms and as wellness as separate lives. She is talking of moving out but nothing has happen yet. No one else involved to my knowledge just not in love with me any more. W is going through menopause but I don't think this is the issue just the catalyst. I have been leaving her to her own life and getting on with mine. We went to mc but it made it much worse. We are now seeing a life coach separately and while it's helping me resolve my issues he life coach says W is 50/50 on marriage. W and I still chat like its normal life every day and night but just can't see any way the love will comeback. Any thoughts please. I have been through the depressed stage and now at the why won't she work on it stage and just very sad for my part in causing this
Situation
Welcome to the board
Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
thanks for the reply, I posted a few times because I was not sure if the posts were being sent, sorry.
Thanks Cadet, spending alot more quality time with the children, joined a gym and just finished respraying and rebuilding fathers gold buggy.
thanks for the reply, I posted a few times because I was not sure if the posts were being sent, sorry.
Yes being on moderation unfortunately is like that, keep posting on this thread and you will be off one of these days.
I don't have much advice, but I feel marriage is a choice, my h feels wanting to be married is a feeling. It would be easier if spouses understood that in order to get those feelings back, you have to respect the marriage, and do things differently than before. Which is sometimes work. But I guess that's why we're all here, one person wants the m, one has a foot out the door
Thanks for everyone reading my posts. Wife came home from work last night and our four children weren't overly excited to see her. She called me aside and said we need to talk about money as it was obvious that nobody wanted her in the house anymore. She then went on to tell me that she is no longer good friends with the guy from work and it was only ever good friends. We spoke about money and she started crying saying she would either go back to the uk or get a job ASAP and leave the house. She wants to comeback every day to cook and clean for the kids. She said she no longer considers me a friend because she feels I want her out. I told her I still love her but the choice to leave is hers. She called me this morning for a chat but it ended up with her putting the phone down. I know W is very confused but I'm not sure what to do. Any advice gladly received. Thanks
I don't have much advice, but I feel marriage is a choice, my h feels wanting to be married is a feeling. It would be easier if spouses understood that in order to get those feelings back, you have to respect the marriage, and do things differently than before. Which is sometimes work. But I guess that's why we're all here, one person wants the m, one has a foot out the door
With all of the resources and wisdom that is out there for building solid marriages, it hurts and frustrates me to know that the only thing really holding back our reconciliation is my WAW's inability or unwillingness to CHOOSE to work on it. Same could me said for most people here, I assume.
Card29. That is exactly how I feel. My W tells me she is not sure ! 4 children, 20 years and my W will be heading in to a bedsit at best. We have no savings so she has nothing to take or to start again. Her friend (!) is an alcoholic bipolar phyco who lives on the dole ??? Why not try to work it out Baffling
I don't have much advice, but I feel marriage is a choice, my h feels wanting to be married is a feeling. It would be easier if spouses understood that in order to get those feelings back, you have to respect the marriage, and do things differently than before. Which is sometimes work. But I guess that's why we're all here, one person wants the m, one has a foot out the door
With all of the resources and wisdom that is out there for building solid marriages, it hurts and frustrates me to know that the only thing really holding back our reconciliation is my WAW's inability or unwillingness to CHOOSE to work on it. Same could me said for most people here, I assume.
Yuuuuup. I mean, you can't control other people, but we LBSs know that if you put X amount of years into it, you have nothing to lose and only wonderful things to gain by putting in a little bit of effort; especially when the LBS is SO willing!
You can't get into the head of an alien, but it frustrates me, too.
Thank you all for commenting. Some times it feels like a nightmare. My W has always been so caring and loving I could never foresee this day and I still wake up in the bed alone with her upstairs and have to start all over again. My two daughters 13 and 10 come into me about 1 am most nights to sleep. I know my W adores them so you would think she would try for them and the boys Know W has to have a life but it feels like she wants the impossible. Thanks again to you all for posting
Have you read the DB or DR books yet?
"With all of the resources and wisdom that is out there for building solid marriages, it hurts and frustrates me to know that the only thing really holding back our reconciliation is my WAW's inability or unwillingness to CHOOSE to work on it."
This is a false assumption. In the majority of cases, the WAS makes some kind of effort on their own to connect and bring their concerns to the LBS, but the LBS usually doesn't think much of it. These can come out in the form of little comments here and there, talking under their breath, etc. Often the WAS feels like nothing is going to change so they leave.
Just because the LBS feels that they received a "wake up call" they wouldn't have felt that way if the WAS didn't threaten to leave.
Mr Bond. I completely agree with your point. My W did try to make her feelings felt however my W did tell me that we could work on the issues to resolve the situation. I understand what you say about the wake up call is too late for the WAS but you would have to wonder if the LBS is willing to work on it to reach a happy result for all then the WAS maybe should think they actions through.
In my case my Ws actions will affect my 4 children myself and my W. We have very little money and struggle to make ends meet. My wife EA (she denies ) is jobless, alchoholic and bipolar. She maybe happier but for how long. I have re db and I'm following sandis 37 steps. My W seems very upset anirrational at times. Thanks for posting
Absolutely ! It runs all day in my mind. If only h would give an inch, stop bringing up the past, holding onto resentment, if only h would see me for what I'm doing today! Things would be ok.. But they just see the past, they see negative only. At best they see a day without fighting. I will continue trying to improve myself even if h never notices or changes his thoughts. What choice do I have if I want my r to have a chance?
Hi SJ. Thanks for posting. It's really hard to take. You care some much for this person and they just seem so distant. My W sometimes breaks down and cries and tells me I'm a good father and husband and how did we get to this point and the next day she is back to cold again Very tough. We have to try and stay strong for ourselves and the children. Take care. I honestly feel your pain
Hi. Not sure if anyone reading but latest is wife looking at flats
Please can someone give me some advice. I am losing my mind My wife is leaving the family home as she does not want to live with me. She is leaving our 4 children as well. She plans to come home most days to cook for the kids and begone before I get home Should I help her leave I have been dbing but she says the changes are not real and she wants to change her life. I'm not sure how accommodating I should be. Please could some long termeds on here help
How did she say "the changes are not real"? Why do you think she feels that way?
Also, if I were you, I wouldn't help her at all. Did she tell the kids already that she's leaving?
Minds in. Thank you for posting. My W has a friend from work. He is alcoholic and bi poplar. She spends time with him but I do believe there is nothing phyiscal W is going through menopause and I do trust her. I have been a workaholic trying to build my company. (To no avail). I did not spend quality time with my children and was controlling in subtle ways nothing overt. I went to a life coach and for the last six months I have played everyday with my children (as I should) and found it fantastic. I have stopped all controlling and W now does her. After wife announced she was leaving she stated a that she nenes to be without me and if I won't leave she will and is soon to move out. She said the changes with the children seem genuine but not the others. She also stated in the same conversation that she would give anything to go back to what we had but it was too late. She was extremely upset and is moving to a one bed poo hole. I love my wife but it's mental torture The girl I married is gone and been replaced with a very different person. Any advice greatly received
My best advice for now would be to read DR. I believe a lot of the answers you're looking for will be answered there and you'll be better able to understand the situation and your W's current behavior.
Again thank you for posting I have db but will get dr. Thanks again
I hope your own sich will be sorted I will read your posts tonight
"My W did try to make her feelings felt however my W did tell me that we could work on the issues to resolve the situation."
At this point when they say this, there are two things you need to understand..1) They already have one foot out the door and 2) they will watch EVERY move you make to see if you listened to what they said.
Problem is, many issues in M are caused by both people. So unless she also changed, it's hard to change all on your own and her accept it.
"I understand what you say about the wake up call is too late for the WAS but you would have to wonder if the LBS is willing to work on it to reach a happy result for all then the WAS maybe should think they actions through."
Not necessarily. She probably had asked you to do certain things or change certain things in the past as a test and you more than likely ignored them.
"In my case my Ws actions will affect my 4 children myself and my W."
So? Right now she feels that her leaving is a heck of alot better than living with you no matter how poor or destitute she is. That's why your ego is so low.
"We have very little money and struggle to make ends meet. My wife EA (she denies ) is jobless, alchoholic and bipolar. She maybe happier but for how long."
Doesn't matter how long. It is still her choice.
"I have re db and I'm following sandis 37 steps. My W seems very upset anirrational at times."
Again, that's her choice. You're going to have to give her space and let her hit rock bottom all on her own.
Thanks Mr Bo d. I agree completely with what you say. Completely. My ego is at rock bottom and I take a lot of responsibility for the current sitch. I keep falling back regards her friend In all other areas I like to think I have improved and am becoming a better person Still a way to go but I will get tthere. I'm sure I reflect a lot of people on here who wish there partners would try to reconcile but I do understand it's not always possible I'm hoping when W leaves it will be easier to deal with the pain. Because it's hard to be around her when she is cold towards me Thanks again for posting. I am very down and need any and all advice that might help I
Hi all. Wife moving out next Saturday. She needs help with deposit and first months rent. Should I offer to help or is this something she needs to do on her own. Money is very tight and she can borrow it from her dad. Thanks in advance
Think about what your goals are and what you want for you. If you want her to be gone, then give her the money. If you want to stand for your M then dont help her destroy it.
I struggled with this same thing early on. I was willing to help split assets, pay for L, help her move, everything. Once I decided not to help, the entire process slowed WAY down.
Thanks BDUB. I want my marriage but I thought but not giving her the money would look like I was controlling (again). On the other hand I want her to stay so I think you can see my dilemma. Thank again for posting any and all advice greatly received
"Should I offer to help or is this something she needs to do on her own. "
Do on her own. In fact, when she leaves, take the kids somewhere and do something fun. Show them the time of their lives.
Thanks Mr Bond. Do you mind if I ask where your wisdom comes from. Are you a councillor or is it life experiance. Thanks so much for the advice.
"Do you mind if I ask where your wisdom comes from. Are you a councillor or is it life experiance."
Both. Plus alot of learning comes from the board members themselves. I will be the first to say that I NEVER have the "right" answers. There were some situations that I thought for sure there was no hope, but they turned around.
Anyone who tells you that they "know" exactly what to do and how to bring your W back, you tell them to first start walking on water and then you'll blindly take their advice.
Thank you. And thanks for taking the time to care I hope to be one of those turn around stories but I will learn from this no matter what. Take care
Hi. Just an update. Wife looking at flats tomorrow Has got deposit from father. Her father called me today for the first time since it all started. He only seems to have part of the story and was very sympathetic He told me W was heading back to M but after my run in with her EA friend W dosent think we can get back and needs to get away. FIL was concerned for children and fiancée and was very supportive. I explained that a deprecation was not what I wanted but it was W wish so I had no choice. After call I went back to house and W told me she is very sorry that she feels she has to leave but it's something she has to do She was crying and said she already thinks it's a big mistake but she wants to do it. I validated her feelings and told it's not what I want but ok. She gave me a big hug. Not. Normal. I can only continue to work on me and care for our children. A has also asked if she can call on me if needed. I told her I wouldn't see her stuck but it's not as if we can be friends. She said she is treating it as a trial separation and wants to be able to comeback to me and the kids. Very sad to hear al of this but believe nothing and 50 % of what she does and she is leaving. Any comments gratefully recieved.
Another update. W has found flat Moving in about a week. She told her boss and I feel now it's out of the bag. I have been busy with kids and changing bills etc to my name. Very down as W leaving now a reality She has spent last two evenings with me watching films for a couple of hours each night. W is talking to me about move as if I'm her best friend Ask opinion and yesterday she asked could she come home if she gets scared at night she also said she feels as if she could be home n a few days. !!!!!! I'm just validating all she says but not asking her to stay just telling her that I don't want her to leave her home W and I are talking and acting like everything is ok and if you were a fly on our wall you would think myself and W were a happy married couple. Is this normal as she plans to leave. ?
hi everyone, if you have any feedback please do comment, this morning I was getting kids ready for school and she seemed very strong willed and told me that she is looking for work and hopes to be able to help with money towards kids, I said that would be great but not to struggle herself. We chatted about some small issues and she said she wants the house sold, I told her I would sell but after 6 months to give the kids time to adjust to W being away. W did not argue and we chatted about her car, etc I would normally look after that side of things but as shes leaving she is dealing with it herself. As I left to take the kids to school she called me back into the kitchen and she was crying and said this is all a mess, I told her I would be on the mobile if she needed to talk. She also told me (eariler) that she would no longer be seeing I/C (that we both see as an I/C) as she didn't need to. My questions for the pros on here are,
1/ Obviously W is very upset and not 100% sure of what she is about to do
How do I react, at the moment I am validating her feelings and agree to most things that I feel are resonable but I feel alot of what she is saying is a cry for help, do I try to help ?
2/ W's family are very worried about her, re a breakdown as this is taking a toll on her health.
I have told W I think she needs someone to talk to as this is a very stressfully time. I have said this while stressing that I am also getting support / help with I/C. so as not make W think I am saying there is something wrong with her.
3/ After 25 years of being her best frienf its very hard to dettach and I feel that I am pushing her away by not helping with car, flat, etc. I know that she has to make her own mistakes but what about the pushing away ?
4/ Wife has made these comments over the last few days and while I take them with a pinch of salt, could there be something behind them ?
I wish things could go back the way they were but its to late
I am not seperating, I just need my space to figure things out.
I will not be seeing anyone romantically but if you feel you need to then I will accept that.
I think I am making a big mistake but I have to leave
I might be back in a couple of days and thats why I am taking a cheap flat so if I lose the deposit it won't matter.
There are others along these lines but the above will give you an idea.
Thanks for taking the time to read and hopefully comment.
Personally, a lot of this stuff is on W. She's making her choices and she has to deal with their consequences. If it's effecting her adversely, that's not on you. You're not pushing her away so much as letting her see the role you've played in her life and how things will change if she goes - it's up to her to decide if she wants to lose that or not, but you can't convince her.
I'd validate her feelings and offer support (like you did when you told her that you were seeing IC and it's helped you), but then let it go. She's a big girl. She knows you'll be there for her if she comes seeking you and actively wants to work on your R, but until then, your role as a WAS is to better yourself, not worry about fixing her issues now; because you can't.
I am no expert but it looks like she is processing this sitch and "thinking out loud".
She is right, things cannot and should not go back to the way they were.
The second comment sounds like she is justifying her actions. She IS separating.
The third comment is a flat out lie if she is in a EA.
The 4th comment is her showing her insecurities. She is afraid and hurting.
Her last comment sounds like she is making sure plan B (you, and home) are still available.
I could be totally wrong. Those are just my observations. I have heard a few of those comments myself.
Thanks Two sided Coin, I sort of know the comments from her are just her not been 100% behind her decsion but its a decsion shes made so if not 100% then she must be close to it. The dettachment part is the big one for me as I wnat it to work out so much. I will carry on DBing and hang to the thought that one day I will be happy again. I am very grateful for you comments.
1/ Obviously W is very upset and not 100% sure of what she is about to do
How do I react, at the moment I am validating her feelings and agree to most things that I feel are reasonable but I feel a lot of what she is saying is a cry for help, do I try to help ?
NOPE. SHE'S GOING TO HAVE TO HELP HERSELF. LISTEN AND VALIDATE IS ALL YOU CAN DO. SHE HAS TO GO THROUGH THIS JOURNEY ON HER OWN.
2/ W's family are very worried about her, re a breakdown as this is taking a toll on her health.
I have told W I think she needs someone to talk to as this is a very stressfully time. I have said this while stressing that I am also getting support / help with I/C. so as not make W think I am saying there is something wrong with her.
THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. SHE'S STRESSED BECAUSE OF THE MESS SHE HAS MADE? THAT'S CALLED LIVING WITH THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR ACTIONS. AGAIN, THIS IS SOMETHING SHE HAS TO PROCESS ON HER OWN. DON'T OFFER ADVICE -- SHE MAY READ THE WRONG THING INTO IT AND PUSH YOU AWAY FURTHER.
3/ After 25 years of being her best frienf its very hard to dettach and I feel that I am pushing her away by not helping with car, flat, etc. I know that she has to make her own mistakes but what about the pushing away ?
YOU'RE NOT PUSHING HER AWAY, YOU'RE FOCUSING ON THE ONE THING YOU CAN CONTROL AND IMPROVE RIGHT NOW -- YOURSELF. THAT'S ALL.
4/ Wife has made these comments over the last few days and while I take them with a pinch of salt, could there be something behind them ?
DON'T BELIEVE ANYTHING THEY SAY -- REMEMBER?
I wish things could go back the way they were but its to late.
(I'M SORRY YOU FEEL THAT WAY.)
I am not seperating, I just need my space to figure things out.
THIS IS BS -- AND PART OF THE SCRIPT USED BY PEOPLE IN AFFAIRS -- JUST A HEADS UP.
I will not be seeing anyone romantically but if you feel you need to then I will accept that.
THIS IS A WAY FOR HER TO ALLEVIATE HER GUILT ABOUT CONDUCTING AN AFFAIR, LIKELY -- AGAIN, JUST A HEADS UP
I think I am making a big mistake but I have to leave.
NO COMMENT
I might be back in a couple of days and thats why I am taking a cheap flat so if I lose the deposit it won't matter.
NO COMMENT
There are others along these lines but the above will give you an idea.
Thanks for taking the time to read and hopefully comment.
MY H HAS SAID JUST ABOUT ALL OF THESE AS WELL, AND SAYS HE'S NOT HAVING AN AFFAIR -- BUT LET'S BE REAL HERE. WHY ELSE WOULD THIS BE HAPPENING? THE REASONS HE'S GIVEN DON'T MAKE SENSE, JUST AS THE REASONS YOUR W HAS GIVEN DON'T. BOTTOM LINE: EITHER THEY WILL WANT TO WORK ON THE R OR THEY WON'T, AND WE HAVE TO LEARN TO BE OKAY WITH OURSELVES EITHER WAY.
STAY STRONG!
Ahoy, thank you so much for posting, I take everything you say on board.
I try to hang on the EA and not PA because W has no sex drive for a long time and started Menopause as this started, Wifes EA (?) is with a bi polar drunk who has attempted suicide twice in the last 12 months. I know that I will never know for sure at this time but !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 I will read up on your sitch this evening and please know that all advice or comments are greatly appreciated. Take care.
Bdub just saw you comment and thank you. It's great to get different views but I do think that W has made up her mind and I have live with that I am home now and she started to tell me that she just did her finances TODAY. and she will struggle to survive. I have searched this site and is seems rare for a W to leave a family home and her children and her husband who while she does not love but shares every little thing with for a worse stich. I understand that she does not want to be with me but to leave a home for a one bed even if she is going to live with her EA / PA most of the time ( he also lives in a one bed council flat) and has no job seems weird Can anyone point me towards a post the is like my sitch ?
Thanks again for posting
Did i read your post right? She is leaving the kids?
Yes she is moving about twenty miles away and leaving me with the children I have a small company that's struggling along and now I have to take kids to school and she hopes to be able to collect them every day until she gets a full time job. She is having to sell her car and does not think she can afford to live. She has asked me to leave but I will not leave my children until the cops drag me out.
Good for you.
Honestly I cannot think of a sitch similar to yours. maybell's is similar but the gender roles are reversed.
I will add that it might be a good idea to seek the advice of a L. Protect yourself and your family. You dont have to act but learning more about the process and your rights are crucial.
RD -- It's actually not uncommon for the WAS to get involved with someone who is not a good choice. It's part of MLC. Know this: she is struggling through an identity crisis, and there is little you can do about it at the moment, except for yourself. I know you and I both would like to cling to the idea that it's an EA -- and maybe it is -- BUT as you say, the drastic changes she is making seem to indicate that there is another person pulling her away, and we should mentally and emotionally prepare ourselves for the possibility of a PA going on. If you look at the various stats on this board, you'll see that many PAs were revealed in time, although the WAS had denied it in the past.
However, there is no point dwelling on it. You and I will likely NEVER know exactly why our spouses are doing what they do. So don't dwell. It's not a problem you can identify or fix. Just take care of yourself and your kids to the best of your ability. Let her go on her journey. Step away. Maybe she'll come back, maybe not. Just detach and be okay with yourself. You'll find lots of support on these boards.
Hi Ahoy, thanks very much for the support, wife and I had a chat last night regarding her moving out. SHe seems very upset but is determined. W has said it will be a struggle to survive but she wants to do it. She seems to be justifing leaving the children by saying she will be coming home to see them each day. I was with our I/C today and she is convinced that W is not even in a EA but more of a supporting role due to this guys problems. (?) As you say Ahoy, we will never know. I/C was upset to think W was leaving the home and thinks that our M problems are far from terminal. Her exact words were W thinks grass is greener on the other side. I/C thinks there is still hope and the biggest problem we have is dwelling on the past. Im not sure I agree as W seems to think R is over and no way back. I/C pleased with my progress but thinks I should be more supportive of W re money. I asked why, as W has made the choice to leave but I/C thinks W is lost and leaving her alone and short of money could drive her away. I would be interested in any thoughts here please. thanks again all who read this.
Hi everyone. Just an update. W"s EA / PA had birthday yesterday and she went out with him and her workmates. Came home late but driving (so sober) and then went to work with him agIn today. Volunteering. W lied about who's birthday it was and I found a gift in her car worth 15 euro. (20 dollars). I know I fixate on OM and I am trying to deal with this. I have accepted that W is going and she has no hope for R This has been going on for almost 6 months now and I think it's time to face facts. W has left R and does not want to come back. She is in some sort of R with OM and that's where she wants to be. I would ask anyone on here if they have any thoughts on day to day techniques on dealing with the pain of this. My 180s include housework, spending a lot of time with kids and through I/C I am generally much calmer and relaxed in life the I I/C I am seeing and it is a great help but I feel so weak and alone I have a major concern over W. She seems to be rushing head first in to a very difficult situation and while I know I have no control over her , I still care and worry.
My children are going through a tough time and the coming week will be very tough when see leaves I have plans to redecorate a few rooms and we can all get involved and that should keep their minds busy. Any thoughts anyone
Rd500
You should read my thread very similar sitch to yours .
Even about a new friend of my W who is a alcoholic on anti depressants and is a fruit loop.
And the money situation after W left the reality hit her like a steam train . She said she couldn't even afford to eat .
What I did learn is to stop being a soft touch and toughened up.
I was seriously thinking about paying for a flat for her for 6 months to help her out .
My W left the house 3 weeks ago to go live at her MIL .
Has had very little contact with kids and to be honest any contact normally ends with kids being annoyed at her attitude .
One thing is my kids are far happier at home since W left .
You mention decorating . My W has told me that the kids are not to redecorate there rooms as she only did it 6 months ago and it would be disrespectful .
Both the kids hate the decor that she chose and want to redecorate but told them to wait till after Christmas .
Maybe W having an affair was disrespectful to me and the kids .
What amazed me was how organised I was with regards the housework and that really did surprise my W .
One thing I did learn was to listen to my kids as they told me to kick W into touch the minute the A was exposed but I thought I knew best and tried to save our R .
Good luck and stay strong and try your hardest to be a man only a fool would leave .
S UK. NSorry to hear of your sitch Thanks for posting the kids are the most important thing My W has spent all day talking to me as if she going on holiday. She is now calling it her b+ b. I have to detach and it's really hard. It's a shame we love them so much but I suppose if we didn't we would be on here. My W seems to be living in a dream world and thinks I leaving home leaving the kids and wonderful old me for a poo hole and a drunk. !!! Go figure. Thanks again for posting
S UK. NSorry to hear of your sitch Thanks for posting the kids are the most important thing My W has spent all day talking to me as if she going on holiday. She is now calling it her b+ b. I have to detach and it's really hard. It's a shame we love them so much but I suppose if we didn't we would be on here. My W seems to be living in a dream world and thinks I leaving home leaving the kids and wonderful old me for a poo hole and a drunk. !!! Go figure. Thanks again for posting
Honestly you sure we're not the same person.
My W has left for some worthless guy who just likes to go to the pub .
Thrown away her good life (her words) for what appears to be a living nightmare and we have to just stand idly by and watch them train wreck there lives and we are completely powerless to stop them from dong it.
Just need to work on ourselves and more importantly be there for our kids .
Hi all. Today a tough one. Can't t stop think about OM. feel she is moving closer to him as I DB. my W like to think she is an independent person but she needs someone to help and advise. She is selling her car. An old but top model volvo and buying a old much lower class of car. We had the chat about it yesterday and I simply told her to look at a few before she decides. Normally I would inspect the car and pay for it. She seemed to be enjoying looking for the car but came home today and suggested that I sell my old but top level mercedes and buy something similar to what she now has to buy. It seems she is starting to realise that her new lifeay not be without a few downs. I know I should put OM out of my mind but how. We were discussing practicals of her moving out and she asked me if I would start looking for someone else. I asked if that was ok and she told me she would not be happy but would understand I joked I had already meet someone and she burst into tears I think she is in a A with OM. PA / EA but knows life will be tough and is struggling with this. Ws family haves advised her to sort out house before leaving but she said she doesn't care about money and just has to get away. Is this normal ? Any thoughts would be great fully accepted. Thanks.
Hi all. Today a tough one. Can't t stop think about OM. feel she is moving closer to him as I DB. my W like to think she is an independent person but she needs someone to help and advise. She is selling her car. An old but top model volvo and buying a old much lower class of car. We had the chat about it yesterday and I simply told her to look at a few before she decides. Normally I would inspect the car and pay for it. She seemed to be enjoying looking for the car but came home today and suggested that I sell my old but top level mercedes and buy something similar to what she now has to buy. It seems she is starting to realise that her new lifeay not be without a few downs. I know I should put OM out of my mind but how. We were discussing practicals of her moving out and she asked me if I would start looking for someone else. I asked if that was ok and she told me she would not be happy but would understand I joked I had already meet someone and she burst into tears I think she is in a A with OM. PA / EA but knows life will be tough and is struggling with this. Ws family haves advised her to sort out house before leaving but she said she doesn't care about money and just has to get away. Is this normal ? Any thoughts would be great fully accepted. Thanks.
Well my W is currently happy to sign her share of the equity over to me for zero . Doesn't want to cause me or the kids any more problems or to loose the house.
So to us this is normal . Not sure how much is guilt driven ideas .
Thanks south74. Not sure if your W is from Somerset or near. Mine is so maybe it's something in the water !!!
I would ask anyone on here if they have any thoughts on day to day techniques on dealing with the pain of this.
Hi rd, you may like to check out
Resources for feeling better. I hope it helps.
(Not so) Old Dog xx
W. Telling kids tonight she leaving tomorrow. Gonna be a tough night. Already have butterfly's and serious stress. Am collecting old daughter and son at the moment and heading home now. Wish me luck
Hi all. Kids told. Lots of tears but W told them she will be back most days so they calmed down after 10 - 15 minutes Girls sleeping I their mothers bed to night so that will be good for them. A lot more relaxed now just feel W is not doing the right thing. I know it's right for her or so she thinks. W thanked me for helping to tell kids and I told her she was brave doing what she was doing and she answered that she was proberbly being stupid and not brave. New world now and a scary one. I will be putting a lot of extra effort in to keep the kids occupied over the next few days and hope this will help me too Thanks to all that have read and posted.
Sorry to hear you went through all of that. What exactly did you tell the kids?
Hi Mr Bknd. Thanks. W told youngest two, girls that we needed time apart to figure things out. W told them that she didn't want to leave but felt she had to. I reassured then that we loved them both v much and that we would all be happy again no matter what happened. I stayed away from details as the actual news was enough. S15 was told that we needed time apart and that things would be different going forward but we would all be very happy. He did not want to hug W but I hugged him and told him his mum needed a hug so he hugged her. Eldest still to be told but he knows I stressed to all kids that it was nothing to do with them and just a problem between W and me All very sad MrBond and I feel that it's the nail in the coffin for the M. I know that's how I feel now and maybe that might change but I hate that my kids have to go through this. Lots of emotions but strongest one is that I have let my family down. W included
Hi all. Morning again and feeling down. Kids all seem to be doing ok just lots of extra hugs and half smiles. I just keep telling myself that it will get better with time. Strange how life cN turn around so quickly My kids Are what's important now and I can't dwell on me. First dY of the rest of my life and all that. Sorry had to vent.
It does get better, so do hang in there. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but it sounds like you handled it as well as possible, all things considered. Now just be sure to check in with you kids from time to time to see how they are doing emotionally.
My H never asks my D how she's feeling because he's afraid of the answers, according to her. It makes her feel like her feelings don't matter, so I have to be the one to help her process those feelings. Look out for them.
Thanks Ahoy, bit mroe info, W and I had chat after and she thanked me for the way I dealt with kids (no blaming etc) and told me she has not slept in three days worrying about Chritmas and Birthdays and how sad it will all be. I told her we wil sort it. She then started to say she was making a mistake and she was going to wreck all the kids lives. I just told her if she really wanted to leave that much, knowing that she was upseting our children then she had to go. I told her my feelings for her had'nt changed since I first met her and I only wanted what was best for her. I did say I was worried about her choices but understood they were her choices to make. She was hanging around in the room with me as if she wanted to say more. Our D's were in her bed wating so I suggested she go up to them, she still hung around and I got up to sort out the dogs and she then left for bed. I presume she was feeling some guilt re her choices and I presume thats normal The situation going forward is that she will come home everyday to clean and cook for kids if she is not working and leave for her place once I come home. I have agreed for the next three weeks this is how it will work but I think more stucture is needed to settle kids. During talk she said if she had family near to go to she would not have taking her own place but I took that with a pinch of salt. I have contiuned with the 180s for the last 6 months now and its now routine.these include washing, load / unloading dish washer, cooking (very simple) dinners and the play with the kids ( which is fantastic) I also iron and hoover. As I said before I fear the marraige is over and its hard to stand. I will continue with GAL and seeing I/C but its very hard to keep PMA when you hae days like this. I know alot of people on this site know exactly how bad I feel but can I ask to anyone who has suceeded at DB, can the love ever comeback to where it was ? I really love my W and want to be with her and bring my family back but I struggle daily without the affection and caring that I once had.
Sounds like you said all the right things. And that she is struggling with her guilt, but there's little you can do about that except what you're already doing.
It is hard to PMA on some days. I know I put on a brave face when I'm out and about, and of course in front of H. But it is like mourning a person who dies every day, over and over.
There is the sad hope that this person might come back, and the daily disappointment is beyond difficult.
Having no expectations is difficult.
Embracing the unknown is difficult.
The loneliness is difficult.
I have to tell myself that it won't last -- that I won't always feel this way. This will pass, eventually.
I wish it would speed up though. (Even though I'm supposed to be happy about the "gift of time.")
Hi Ahoy, just posted on your thread. Thanks. My W does seem to be in a fog and has said same. My inlaws have told me W was psotive about M until I had run in with 'her friend". W is a phyiscal wreck at the moment and has a temper with me thats hard to belive. My W has convinced herself that she is the wronged party and that I have somehow won. Its very hard to understand as most nights she will sit with me and chat, share her thoughts etc and still be leaving today. On sunday we were watching a sitcom and a middle aged women came on the screen, the women was a little over weight and normal looking but she was shown a being a wreck regards looks and clothes. My W told me that how she feels and how everyone sees her. I know I am biased but I always thought my W was very attractive and don't understand her. I'm not taking to much from this but does this sound like a women in an affair. It doesnt to me but I suppose Im just grasping.
Hi all. W gone when I got home. Single parent now. Younger two in with me tonight and eldest very upset. Feels let down by his mum. Younger son seems to be taking it in his stride but I worry for him. No text from W and I'm sad. W has been a great W up until this and I'm grateful for that . Me and kids played cards and had a good time but house feels empty. Hope W choices work out for her and she ends up happy. W hold kids she is only going for a month or two and I think it's best they have some hope tomorrow is another day and who knows what it will bring.
Hi all. W back to visit kids. I had 4 texts today from her with the last one saying she still can't believe SHE left. She's home and I had dinner made for all including her. She's calling me honey and is impressed by 180 of cooking I know better than to read into this but I'm so sad at seeing her I hope this feeling will pass with time. Kids going to be sad when she leaves in a while.
Update. Hi all. W came back dinner was cooked so included her. Proper dinner. W. Dry impressed. Start calling me by nickname etc. she was uncomfortable to start but then seemed to settle. She then went up to her / spare room and had a shower and got in pj's Came down and chatted. I thought I had entered the twilight zone. She left yesterday. I knew she was coming to see kids but WTF. This morning she put her car on the internet to sell while I was there. I made no comment. Is this a typical WAW.
I don't think there is "typical" WAW behavior. Or everything is typical. Careful with mind reading. When did she S? How often does she come over?
Hi Card. She left for the first time lTuesday.to sort out her mind. She text me yesterday to ask could she come and visit kids. I said they were her kids and it's her home she did not need to ask. She came home at 6pm and and stayed the night. She is at home now and will leave once I get home. I know that a WAW is not a type but I think it's a little weird I am not mind reading at all. I don't think she stayed for any other reason than for kids but she spent over an hour with me chatting. I'm the reason she had to leave to sort herself out. I was with I/C today and she thinks that W is very confused bit that I have to do me and look after kids to the best of my ability. Thanks for the comments
Hi all. Update. W. Took D,s to her new place last night to stay and came this pm to make dinner for all. I took S,s bowling and we had a good time She seemed very angry and confrontational so I stayed out of the way. She cornered me and told me I was doing the ironing wrong and a few other very small things wrong. I agreed and told her I was new to this housekeeping and was bound to make a few errors. She continued to criticise and my S15 came in and told her to let it go as it was nothing. W remained angry so I left telling her that I now longer wanted to argue and she could have some time alone with the kids. I explained to kids I was going out. W followers me outside and told me that she was very tired as she could not sleep in new place and she had no money and she missed kids. She went on to say I should sell my car and how great my life was. I got in my car and she said she would be gone in 20 mins I came back in 90 mins as agreed with kids and she was waiting for me. She apologised for the arguing and left. 40 mins later I got a text saying she was sooty but is was tough for us all. I didn't reply. My kids were sad so we had movie night. (Star Wars ) with popcorn and chocolate so we all had great time. Life goes on and my W has choosen a sad path but it is what it is. My kids are what's important and I see that and it helps me deal with my own sadness. Give it another few months and I will make someone a great wife. Lol
Sounds like you handled the situation well and with dignity. Kudos!
Also sounds like she is feeling down -- but these WAS don't realize that they are the ones putting themselves in this position. They want so badly to blame the LBS. You're not letting her do that by showing her your best possible self -- and that's good for you and your kids as well.
I agree about WAS trying to out any blame they can on LBS. That has definitely been the case with me, but I have not taken the bait.
You're doing a grand job there in very difficult circumstances there rd. Well done.
Hi all. Just an update. W gone a week now. She's home most days to see kids and do abit around the house. She asked me to sell her car on Sunday as it was to expensive to run and bought an older car yesterday that costs the same to run ?????? She has been very upset when leaving kids as S15 won't speak to her My to D"s are very upset even though in keeping them busy and eldest S is off college sick at the moment. This is now my reality and I'm having to deal with full time job plus all the cooking cleaning etc. it's tough but kids have to be treated the best that I can while all this is going on W seems to be keeping in contact almost normally. I don't contact her. And just validate her even if I think her acts are very selfish. I feel myself moving away from her I love her but her actions make me question who she is now Is this a person I want in my life ? I want my wife back but this woman and her putting her own needs before her children is not my wife. I know she is torn and her new life is not what she perhaps thought it would be but if life with me was so bad why would she ever come back ? Thanks to all who read and comment
Hi all. No posts back recently and feeling alone !! W arrived last night to show new car and disappointment was all over her face. Car is not her and she regrets her decision. The nasty side of me enjoyed that but it passed and I felt sad for her. She seems to be rushing at everything and it's not working. Any way kids and me doing ok. Ups and downs but all ok. House work getting on top of me but getting there. W home today to help so that will be a relief. Starting to feel like I will be ok Have down days asking why why but I know I am aleast 50% to blame so try not to stay in that place to long. D13 off to Barcelona with school in to weeks so going to miss her and hope she has a great time and doesn't dwell on crap at home Lots of texts this week from W about taking care and stupid stuff. Think she is just struggling to let go after all the years. Certainly not reading anything into it
Hi all. No posts back recently and feeling alone !!
You are not alone! One of the best things about this forum for me has been the realization that this happens to lots of us, that we hear the same things from our WAS, had the same things go wrong, have the same issues to work on ourselves. Makes me feel like I'm an OK human being, a flawed one for sure, but not the only flawed human in a pack of perfection. And it makes me realize that I will be OK no matter what happens. Hang in there, rd.
Last night when I was out one of the women there, who I don't know well, confided that her marriage had been struggling after an affair too. They didn't separate, but leapt straight into counseling, retreats, etc., after the guilty party broke things off. But the marriage, three years later, is still barely limping along, and she doesn't know where things are headed.
Hearing that made me feel the value of a separation undertaken thoughtfully. Even if it's only one person who takes the time to GAL and self-reflect, that space and time can be useful.
I know it's hard to stand back and accept this rough time. But I'm sure that like me, in three years you'd like to feel like you've done the hard work to process all this and learn better skills so that *you* aren't the one wavering and uncertain of whether you want that person in your life.
I hope your daughter enjoys her trip. I'll keep a closer eye on your thread since you're feeling lonely. Best to you.
Thanks maybell Your words are very kind and very helpful. Your right. This site is a great help and it does let you see that , although flawed, we are not monsters. Thanks again and take care
rd, don't feel alone. We are all here for you. I've been spinning the past few days and haven't been able to post as much as I'd like on others' threads. But it doesn't mean I'm not thinking of you all and sending positive thoughts your way.
Even though I'm sure you're struggling emotionally, you sound like you're doing a good job holding it together for your kids.
I know what you mean about not recognizing your spouse and wondering how they could put their selfish needs before those of their children.
Know that you are taking the high road, and you will be able to walk away from the situation if the time comes knowing the strength of character you possess. There will certainly be others out there who will appreciate it.
And if your wife happens to notice and get a grip on herself, so be it. But don't count on it.
Hi Ahoy thanks for the kind words , it does make a differance. W home to night to see kids and do some cleaning. She acts like all ok and nothing wrong Weird. She just offered me her new car to get the shopping as if we were all normal. Youngest. D went shopping with me and we had fun time on a side note I was in hospital today for a check up on kidney transplant. Results on bloods were best ever since transplant so really pleased with myself. Sitting here eating large bar of dark chocolate as I type. Doc reckons I've lost to much weight. Doc can't be wrong lol. Chocolate it is. Take care
Hi all. Last few days being a bit weird. Getting used to life without W. She's here a lot which is good for kids but I bit annoying for me. Lots of tears with her saying she is not happy and people are asking her favours all the time and she can't sleep etc. I just validate and leave her alone as much as is polite. She text me yesterday and asked how I was and I replied all ok. She replied that I was dealing with the separation much better than her and she was ad I was ok. She came to collect my D"s yesterday for the night and tried to convince them to stay with her here instead of taking them to her place. I think iwill be ok without her in the long run but it upsets me to see her unhappy. I hope her choices turn out to be good for her eventually. Tonight is burgers and chips and movie nite with kids so looking forward to that. Rant over. Take care all
rd, glad to hear your checkup went well! It's nice to have a spot of good news in the midst of everything else. And chocolate is always good. I need to put back on some weight as well, but it's really hard when you don't have an appetite.
Your posts demonstrate amazing strength of character. You will be okay without her in the long run, if that's what's to be. It is hard to see people we love unhappy, but there is little we can do for them, beyond what you are already doing.
Thanks Ahoy. I just read your post and it's hard to believe your H can be like that with his D. My D"s are everything at the moment along with my S"s I know know I have a life as well but at this time they have to be first. It's your H"s D and this is a terrible time for her She is very lucky to have you and I'm sure she will look back at this period in her life with nothing but love for how you dealt with it. Your strength is obvious for us on here to see so that must be fantastic for her to have daily. Keep strong and thanks for posting
Hi all. Good nite with kids. But S15 got a bit upset and tells me he hates his mom. I tired to talk to him and finally calmed him done but I feel the sitch between wide and I can't go on as it's causing kids to much pain. I know a lot of our stichs on here a similar and I think the DBing is actually working in mine. Lots of texts from W , lots of tears , lots of talk of a how she is sad on her own etc but as each day passes I get stronger and although I love my W I am now thinking I am not in love with her Her selfish acts and attitude are not the acts of a decent person or a caring mum. My children don't deserve this upset in their lives and while I am at least 50 % to blame I certainly never did anything bad enough to make their mum leave The longer the W stays away the sadder she gets , half of me is glad but the other hf wants her to be happy with her new life sorry for ranting
Hi all. Looking for a bit of advice my W just turned up to visit kids after saying she wouldn't be here today. Detachment going well but her being here every day is hard. Question is should I lmit her access or pin her down to certain days. I realise I should not stop her seeing the kids but this open door policy is tough
Any thoughts people ?
Personally I wouldn't want to limit my kids access to their mother but at the same time you need to set and enforce boundaries and I would say just turning up isn't on - its disrespecting you. She should have to call and ask first as a minimum.
Hi jim Thanks for the prompt response Your right , the kids need their mum problem is W thinks I haved moved on due to my DBi g She is texting me and saying that I am handling the separation much better than her and how lonely she is etc. if I ask her to call ahead it like I am showing her i am still affected by her ?
Personally I don't think so. Obviously it depends how you phrase it but if it was more about her needing to respect your time with the kids then I would think that's fine.
To an extent if she doesn't want the marriage then she has to accept the consequences of not having free access to the kids (definitely don't phrase it like that)
Thanks again Jim. I I'll think of a way of putting it that will be not confrontational Thanks again
Hi all. Things going ok here. W about every day to see kids and she is contacting me a lot re different things. I respond politely and do not draw out the conversation The more I pull away the more she SEEMS to come forward. It seems strange to not continue the conversation but DB and DR ! Kids very down. We play games most nights and watch films but they seem to be getting sadder. I suppose it's two weeks since W left and reality is setting in Hard to handle sadness sometimes but life goes on. Rant over
"The more I pull away the more she SEEMS to come forward."
I thought you said you read DB. This is what's supposed to happen.
"It seems strange to not continue the conversation but DB and DR !"
What do you mean by this? BTW, those aren't "sandi's" rules. They are outlined in the books.
Hi MrBond. Thanks for posting. Yes I know that's what is supposed to happen I just don't want to get any false hope.
I mean I am tempted to continue the conversations but as per the books I am not. I do see the reasoning behind it but it still worries me that I maybe pushing her away.
The books have shown me a path which I am following strictly and I do see W doing double takes at the new me I will continue to DB as I believe it is the best chance I have but doubts do creep in. I will stress that I am in a much better ace than when I first posted and life is getting back to somewhere normal. Sleep is easier eating well. Exercising and time spent with kids is something I should have always done but is fantastic. Thanks again for your post.
"I mean I am tempted to continue the conversations but as per the books I am not. "
What are you talking about? You're not supposed to call them endlessly in the beginning, but then eventually when they start turning towards you, you start increasing the interactions. What were you thinking? That you would just keep never talking to her forever?
Thanks MrBond I am obviously not doing the right thing. My understanding was not to call or contact. There is no contact from me at all
I understood not to prolong conversations when there was nothing more to say
I have done this every time and always chat with a positive attitude, I do however finish every call and I do not try to keep her talking
I understood that she was to stand on her own two feet and reach rock bottom if indeed that is where she is heading
I did falter here once as she said she had no money for food and I handed over 100 euro but to see a friend for 25 years crying in front of me saying they had no food was too tough to ignore
MrBond. I have PMA always when around her and mostly even when she's not there. I have made huge 180s that are now part of my life and have benefitted me and my kids. I have made small steps in GAL as I work 6 days a week and now have 4 children and a house to clean and care for once I finish work.
I value your comments along with everyone else but it seems the balance is what I am lacking
Thanks for posting
"I understood not to prolong conversations when there was nothing more to say"
You do this in the beginning because usually the WAS is filled with anger snd confusion.
"I have done this every time and always chat with a positive attitude, I do however finish every call and I do not try to keep her talking"
Again, this is something you do just in the beginning. Then when you see her warming up to you, you can extend that conversation a little longer each time. DB is doing what works. What were your goals that you wrote down? If one was to have a conversation with her that lasted longer than 5 minutes and didn't have anything to do with the kids, then you've succeeded. That's why you need goals.
"I understood that she was to stand on her own two feet and reach rock bottom if indeed that is where she is heading "
Not true.
Hi mBond could you elaborate on the last point not being true please
She doesn't have to hit "rock bottom" in order for things to turn around in your M.
I have to jump in here because I had the same impression that rd500 had.
That we are always the ones to end first, leave first, not seem over-eager.
I didn't understand that this should be changed over time.
Which is why things backfired on me quite a bit. When H was starting to warm up, I was basically shutting him down, thinking I was DBing.
I tend to take things very literally, and that was my interpretation.
I have since figured out that this is not the way to do it, but I definitely wasn't clear on that until recently.
I guess I just thought that if I kept making myself scarce, that it would help me detach, and that eventually, if he was ever going to, H would start to pursue me.
That hasn't happened yet, not even close. But things have improved with my opening up more and more as he moves closer.
What can I say? I'm a little socially dense. But I'm working on that.
--(G)GGG
Tonight was a bad time. W comes home and stays night d's sleep with her. When she came home D13 was going to pictures S15 will not speak to her anymore D10 is pleased to see W but is torn about me. S19 is please to see W it is unhappy with her leaving family. Anyway W ttold me she has no money and I shod not be spend money on taking kids out as it is spoiling them. She went on to say she feels like an aunt coming to visit and not their mum anymore. I told her I didn't know what to say and left. I see W is gone from M but is very unhappy re choice to leave home. I feel bad for her but her choice so what can I do Tough
Hi all. Very down today. Had meeting with I/C yesterday and she's very pleased with my progress. She has met W in the past and is attempting to make contact again. I/C is convinced W is not in anEA or PA with her friend but I still have my doubts. Kids abit down yesterday and this morning especially my D10 who seems to be taking the separation the worst. Quiet nite last nite with kids we played a few games and had a laugh but reality is sinking in with them and it's painful to watch. I don't think i ever posted that my dad left when I was 11 and it had a profound effect on me with my own relationships and I was always determined that my own children would not suffer like I did Good job me !!!!
Re the R I have little hope left as things have got to the stage where I feel it's best to deal with what's happening rather than hold out hope that anything will change. Maybe that's a self defence thing but all the signs I see as positive I think are just my W's new harsh reality. She is living in a one bed flat that she constantly complains about ( to kids and me ) she changed her car , which she told kids she hates and has no money She tells me she cannot sleep and she feels she is no longer a real mother to the children. She is usually crying when she tells me this. I still love her but I am struggling to understand why she can cause all of this upset to our family and still feel she can confide in me. Maybe I'm like an old pair of trainers. Not much use but still comfortable !!!!
Rant over I hope you all take care and have a good weekend
This is a very kind and warming thread with sage advice from you all.
Rd you are asking all of the questions that I want to ask in a way that i understand.
I have read your thread and see the love for your children provides a safe haven for all of you as the storm rages. I wish you all peace.
V
Vanilla, everyone's situation is different. You can't use someone else's strategy and use it in yours. Where is your story?
Thank you mr bond I will start my own thread soon as I don't want to hijack another's thread. Am in the think like a beginner phase so that some threads like this one are fresh and appealing. The thoughts are clearly adding to DR for me.
Will start my own thread as my woolly thinking allows And sadly as yet. No strategy just confusion.
V
Thanks Vanilla. And you should post your story ASAP. People like MrBond can offer great advice and people like me can offer support Take care