Wife dropped the bomb Part 2 - DivorceBusting.com

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I doesn't matter that my wife dropped the bomb over two months ago, and I was living under a lot of stress and uncertainty just from that. But her actually filing for divorce two weeks ago has been a whole different journey.

On the tough side, I am emotionally wiped out many days, have a hard time motivating to do much of anything except the bare minimum. It seems like a bad dream as I have to find a new place to live, plan for the moving date, setting up electric and cable servive, etc. All this stuff I need to do, and I don't want to do any of it. I feel like I am walking to my own hanging, tying my own noose. I just can't believe this is actually going to happen. It is like a bad dream. I feel like the first night in the new place alone is going to be a real emotional collapse for me.

There are some positive moments, where I do feel some peace and a desire to move on to a new stage. I am succeeding at remaining detached from my W, and we are establishing a good cordial working relationship on kid and financial details, etc. In some moments I realize that the old R is dead, and this process is inevitable and at this point nevessary, just to move on to something, anything, new. And I feel a bit of strength, and optimism for the future.

HopeTex: Am quite familiar with the emotional wipeout from D filing. Took me about 2 weeks to get my feet back under me. Took another two to stop complaining in my internal monologue.

Take a peek at my thread. I have come to grips with the fact that my W divorced me as much as a year ago. So now I have to create something new for myself and hopefully she wants to come along. It has improved my PMA at least 3x. And I can be more consistent as the legal D date approaches.

After all who knows what the 11th hour may hold?

We told the kids last night about the impending D. We followed a basic script from the book Putting Children First. The most mature twin had the hardest time, she cried and said over and over "Mommy you said this would never happen." So tough to see. But not quite as horrific as I had always imagined. I find that a lot. I have a very good imagination in terms of imagining the worst possible scenariois, and reality is never as bad as I imagine.

The other twin girls and the 5 year old boy didn't seem to really process it much.

I and the kids are starting DivorceCare at our church tomorrow.

I am still fluctuating between strength/peace, then fear/depression. Ex cerise helps break a down spell. So does good reading about the divorce recovery process. The books DivorceCare and Rebuilding have been very comforting. They show me that others gpfeel the same way I do at the beginning, and also show what the future path to recovery will probably look like.

Hang in there, HopeTex. It sounds like you're handing the situation with as much grace and dignity as possible, and keeping the kids' needs at the forefront. Glad to hear your reading up on and practicing self-care. Life will get better in time.

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The most mature twin had the hardest time, she cried and said over and over "Mommy you said this would never happen." So tough to see.

Oh, so sad! And look how she called out her mom. I'm so sorry about that, but glad that you all got through it okay.

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Am quite familiar with the emotional wipeout from D filing. Took me about 2 weeks to get my feet back under me. Took another two to stop complaining in my internal monologue.

That's about the timeline I had, same as Shakespr. Even though I thought I was detached, it was so very hard.

HopeTex, keep holding on to the optimism for the future. When I felt especially low, I would think of the things I'd be able to do that Mr. Gritty never wanted to do. Planning for the future is big.

Hopetex, I am wondering about you and hope all is well. Give us an update.

I am not sure how well I am doing these days. Just one foot in front of the other most days. Dreading moving out of the house and into the apartment this weekend. Just seems so sad and unfortunate. I am emotionally and physically exhausted. I fear being alone and lonely. Work is tough because of changes beyond my control so I worry for my job. I am hoping this is just a typical D funk and that things will brighten up sometime soon. Maybe moving out of the house and away from W will be good.

Aside from being down in the dumps, I imagine I am DB'ing ok. No R talks with wife. Just pleasant and calm and all business. Right now I can't imagine her ever wanting to reconcile. But I know there is always hope for that, in the future. She just seems so sure and decided about the divorce and wanting me to move out. Not angry, not mean, just decided.

The only time she opened up a little bit was when I signed myself up for DivorceCare at the church, which meant she will have to wait until they offer it next time. She said she knew I was probably having a tough time but that she was too. She talked about the guilt she felt since everyone knows she is the one pushing the D. Imagine she feels shame too. Unfort what she doesn't appear to feel is that it is also just a really dumb and selfish decision.

I kind of wish she was going to DivorceCare. It might be pretty rough for her, there are about 30 people in the class and as far as I can tell the only ones InThere who filed for D are women who suffered abuse. No WAW's in there. Seems like all people whose spouses left them. Imagine the reception in there would be pretty chilly for a WAW who just filed for D because the relationship was "hard" and not getting better fast enough. Hmm, little anger coming out if me here, eh?

Kids are doing ok so far, however you judge that. They say they are looking forward to seeing Daddy's new apartment.

My eyes are set on this weekend, getting moved out and the new apartment set up, and hopefully cheering up a bit.

D is the worst. Sorry for the general gloominess.

Up and down day today. When I was down I called close buddies to chat and that helped. Went and signed the lease and got the keys to the apartment, went in and walked around. Kind of surreal, but not terrible. I continue to hope that getting the move done is going to give me some type of relief or new perspective.

Another negative piece of thinking for me has been worrying about whether I can "handle" having the kids with me on my own. I have always been a good dad, but W has been stayed home and always cooked dinner, etc. I am a good cook, but sinc I got married I have specialized in grilling and BBQing, not cooking everyday meals. This is really going to stretch my fatherhood. Worried about getting impatient and angry in the morning getting them ready for school. Worried about all types of things. I like to worry obviously

I get a trial by fire next week, need to get the place set up fast because W is going on a mission trip with church (irony) so I will have the kids for several nights straight. Hoping it goes well and that kids like the new place and staying with me. They are used to the house on a cul de sac with all their friends to play with. Hoping they will find new friends at my apartment complex soon.

Tomorrow is packing day, Saturday is move day. Please Pray for my strength, and some. More positive thinking about the future.

Originally Posted By: HopeTex

The only time she opened up a little bit was when I signed myself up for DivorceCare at the church, which meant she will have to wait until they offer it next time. She said she knew I was probably having a tough time but that she was too. She talked about the guilt she felt since everyone knows she is the one pushing the D. Imagine she feels shame too.

I may be wrong, but I'm thinking your W is writing the script to her personal movie, in which she is the one who would need support in a D, not you. LOL.

You going to Divorce Care may remind her that her personal movie is a lie. That other people may understand that her personal movie is just a fiction she's created. You going means you are taking the steps to move forward and heal in a positive way. I doubt very much she'll like that... not that we are focused on what she likes or not.

It's a great little truth dart. And one thing my H has told me was how all of his old friends kept telling him he was wrong to leave. (They say they don't care what other people think, but really... ?)

I read somewhere that when you have a network of friends who believe in your marriage, you're more likely to reconcile. I believe this is why so many MLCers find new friends, LOL.

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worrying about whether I can "handle" having the kids with me on my own. I have always been a good dad, but W has been stayed home and always cooked dinner, etc. I am a good cook, but sinc I got married I have specialized in grilling and BBQing, not cooking everyday meals.

That is a reasonable worry but you'll do fine. Grilling extras can set you up nicely for breakfasts and lunches (meat and eggs, sandwiches, or just leftovers).

And get a crockpot... that is so easy. Load it with a chicken or roast and spices in the morning, and when you come home dinner is almost ready. A couple of bags of prewashed greens, or even a second crock pot going with foil wrapped potatoes inside... you'll be all set.

Planning like this sounds awful, I know, because you don't want to be there, doing all this. You want things to be the way they used to be. But I found that when I really looked at what was bothering me and worked out a solution, I felt better.

Hang in there, buddy.

Thank you Nitty. I will report back when I serve my first Nitty Stew!

Had a good meeting with a new counselor I have been seeing, Christian and has been thru divorce. He told me the grief and depression is healthy, and not to fight or deny it like some people try to. But he also encouraged me to start developing a vision of what is to come, what type of man and father I want to become. I am getting flickerings of hope, starting to realize I will actually survive this initial period and things will get better. And that good things are ahead.

I'll echo what Nitty said about planning. I've had some extended time with kids lately because the wife took a few weekends away with her aunt. Then she had outpatient surgery and doesn't feel so hot.

Anyway, when I handle the kids in and out the door, that stuff goes like clockwork. Backpacks, lessons, lunch, school uniforms, all handled before 8PM the night before. Today, when I left for work without dropping them, D8 said, "Dad, aren't you taking us to school." Sorry, sweetie, not today. "I like it when you take us. It's fun."

Heh. Minor win for the Dadster.

Originally Posted By: Shakspr

Heh. Minor win for the Dadster.

Score!!!!

HopeTex -- If you're worried about preparing everyday meals, maybe think of cooking as one of your GAL activities -- take a cooking class if you can, or just turn it into a fun activity (maybe one involving the kids, even). If you're able to make getting to school fun, I'm sure you can make cooking fun as well. Don't think of it as a chore -- think of it as a fun way to connect with the kids, and you'll look at it in a different light. Also, kids the age of yours tend not to have very high expectations when it comes to cuisine -- especially if they get to have a role in preparing it! Good luck.

HopeTex, I am The Queen of getting dinner on the table day in and day out. I am fairly picky about food, almost totally avoiding processed foods, opting to cook whole foods from scratch instead. I also avoid gluten and soy and my D16 is a Type 1 diabetic. Planning and prep is definitely the key. I use a meal planning ap that I've loaded family favorites into, and once a week I plan my meals for the week. It's as easy as assigning a day to them from the ap. The grocery list automatically populates and I shop on the weekends. I also do a lot of prep work on the weekends, washing veggies, chopping onions, marinating things, making sauces. The crockpot and rice cooker are my best friends. If my H grills, I always ask him to throw a couple extra things on. When I get home at 7:00pm and dinner can be ready at 7:15pm, I'm grateful.

You will figure out a method that works for you and pretty soon it will be very natural for you. Good luck.

Originally Posted By: rppfl

I use a meal planning ap that I've loaded family favorites into, and once a week I plan my meals for the week. It's as easy as assigning a day to them from the ap. The grocery list automatically populates and I shop on the weekends.

Is this a free app? What's it called?

Originally Posted By: nmwb123

Is this a free app? What's it called?

I hope it's allowed to say......my apologies in advance if this needs to be removed. Please let me know.

When I first started with the ap, it was Food on the Table and there was a free version and a paid version. Somewhere along the line it changed to Food.com, which I still see in the ap store, but since I already have it, I can't see the price. It takes a while to load up all your recipes, but its' totally worth it.

Thanks, rppfl.

HopeTex- I just wanted to add to all the excellent meal making advice - that you might want to do some of it WITH your kids. I've been doing much more of this since BD. The kids love it and of course they are much more likely to eat something that they prepared.

This has been the hardest week of my life. Moving out Friday and Saturday was the most emotionally and physically exhausting experience of my life. Really horrific for me, realizing that it was actually happening. But I did manage to get it done, and get the new place set up. Kids are doing their first sleepover tonite.

I feel like I haven't recovered from the trauma of the move. I am woozy, in a fog, and get easily overwhelmed by everyday tasks. I start something, or think of doing something, and a wave washes over me, floods me. Sometimes I can push thru and get it done, other times I can't. Still having trouble sleeping, doc and I are on the third different prescription drug and still I get just a few hours a night.

People tell me this is all natural, but it is terrible and it feels like I am going crazy. Hope to get some relief soon.

HopeTex, I have been using a meditation ap called Calm, recommended by someone here. One of the meditations is for sleep, and it really helps me when I use it. Not a substitute for your doc, of course, but maybe a good addition. Calm is not free, but I have been using it a lot (there are a lot of other meditations besides sleep) and I think it was worth the $.

What a blessing the children are! This is their first night to sleep at my place, and much of the anguish has lifted tonight having them here. It makes this feel more like a home, not an outcast's cell. Thank you God for the relief from anguish you gave me tonite. I hope it continues.

My prayers go out to you tonight, Hopetex. God bless you and your children. May he have mercy on your wife as well and guide her in a new direction.

Hang in there, HopeTex. From what I hear, it takes folks on average three months for things to feel "normal" after a big change like a move. Be kind to yourself. I'm glad it's easier with the kids there. You may find that in time you'll have more peace being in your own place. You will start to sleep better in time.

I think a lot of us have been where you are -- I know that I woke up about 2 am every night for a while in a panic and in disbelief about my situation when it was still new. More than three months down the line, I'm sleeping great. Of course, I still have low moments but overall I'm regaining a sense of calm and a sense of self. You'll get there. Be patient.

Thanks for the encouragement.

Got the kids off to school without a hitch - Go Dad! GRandparents have them thru Saturday, then I have them thru Wednesday. THat will be a big challenge but I am up to it.

Had lunch with a divorced buddy and he confirmed my guess that I will typically feel better when I am with the kids.

Felt so-so this morning after dropping the kids off, but better than yesterday. I tend to gain strength/stability as the day goes on. Today I was actually somewhat productive at work. It is hard to describe to people who have not been thru it how excruciating this part of D is - the move out and the weeks following the move out. But every guy who has been divorced that I have talked to says they felt the same way. Just about the worst feeling ever. We lost a newborn baby a decade ago, and maybe I just have blacked it out, but I don't remember feeling this much pain even then.

Things are still cordial and cooperative with the W. It takes all I can muster to not let on to her the anguish I am in, I just act calm and kind of quiet when I am with her. Looking forward to some day being more relaxed and jovial around her. But right now I just feel rejected and ill, and a little mad, so I can't fake (or be) jovial yet.

Not sure what her state of mind is right now. I do notice that she, like me, has lost a lot of weight. And she was skinny to start with, so she looks a bit emaciated. But she is acting happy and normal when we are around people. I imagine her main worries right now are the kids and her finances.

HopeTex, I am thinking of you and your children in your new digs. It looks like you guys are off to a good start, you are doing a great job!

HopeTex, in re-reading my response I see I focused too much on the positive and didn't touch on the anguish you are feeling.

I do know that anguish and I'm so sorry you're in a bad place. What I meant to say is that you ARE doing so many positive things in the face of such a difficult situation.

Understood, Nitty, thanks for the encouragement. I need to focus more on the positives as well.

Having a decent week so far. Up and down, but slowly regaining some basic sanity and functionality. It has been tiring but great to have the kids the last 4 nights. I now know for sure that I can handle it. And enjoy it. And the kids enjoy it too. I can already tell that one blessing of this terrible situation is that I will definitely have a different and much different relationship with my kids. When you have a stay at home wife, as a husband you get kind of lazy with parenting. At least I did. Now it is all me when I have them, I have to/get to make every meal, referee every squabble, decide all discipline, decide what fun thing to do next, make sure their clothes are clean, make sure their homework is done, etc. it is tough, and I have even more respect for my wife and all women who do it. The benefit is that you have a much deeper relationship with the kids. I can tell they view me differently, are happier to see me, are more cuddly and living, and talk to me more about their day. I am a lot more relevant to them now than ever i Used to be. That is nice.
I worry about how down and lonely I will be tomorrow night when W returns from trip and I am home alone.
Finally starting to feel some healthy anger toward W. Will try to Keep it healthy and not let it interfere with out productive coparenting. I can be angry at her for wrecking our family, but expressing that to her serves no purpose. I need to continue to detach and heal and recover and build a new life.

So sorry about the anguish post-move. I know how fortunate I am that W just wanted out and wasn't trying to ruin me (although I am getting stuck with most of the debt.) I am currently happiest when reading Misty of Chincoteague to my D8 and watching stupid Pokemon cartoons with S11. He knows I hate them and we joke about how he is torturing me.

You will also learn to enjoy your time alone. Honestly, I am looking forward to it a little as my STBX is not my favorite person in the world right now.

Thanks. Starting to feel a bit better day by day. Today I was able to actually go shopping and organize things around the apartment without feeling flooded. Starting to accept the reality of the situation, which I imagine is the first step forward...

Ahh, the fun logisttics of divorce. W had the kids this weekend, and one of the daughters was sick so they didn't go to church. We are all still going to the same church.

I took it is an opportunity to go attend another church nearby. I have been planning on switching churches at some point, just to get some space from W. I just always feel akward and uptight when I am at church and she is there. I feel like I need some space.

Really enjoyed the other church, lots of friends there and no tough memories. Felt good about the decision.

Mention it to W on the phone today, she says "But I have been planning to switch to that church. I don't like it anymore at the old church, there are people there who are judgmental against me for filing for divorce. Maybe we can both go to the new church, but attend different services?"

I hemmed and hawed, first saying "well, I can't tell you where to go to church..." but then finally said: "I can't tell you where to go to church, but yes I would prefer that you not go to the same church as me. And I would like to go to the new church."

We tabled the discussion for now. Not sure what the right thing to do here is. I am really feeling the need to detach and get space from W right now. Altho maybe it would be better for the kids if we went to the same church each week?

BUt right now I just really am voiding being around her as much as possible, it just brings up too many difficult feelings, and I think it sets me back on my progress in finding a new life alone. If she insists on going to the new church, maybe I will stick with the old one.

Just kind of irritating, W always seems to get what she wants. She gets to have her divorce, stay in the house, have kids majority of the time etc., and I bear all the inconveniences and child support.

Seems like I can't stay with her when I wanted that, and now I can't get away from her when I want that!

End of whining episode. Not that huge a deal, just another small example of how divorce stinks.

HopeTex, how are you doing? Give us an update.

Thanks for checking in Nitty. I think I am doing ok. THe first two weeks after the move were really brutal, as I've mentioned.JUst overwhelming and debilitating.

I am now in the 4th week post-move, and altho I have some really tough stretches of time, maybe a couple hours, I can definitely see an improvement in my overall health and state of mind. After dropping about 15-20 lbs in 3 weeks, I am eating again. Sleep (with meds) is getting better and better. I am able to get stuff done at work.

THe things I have been doing right are: exercising, staying in close contact by phone or in person with family and friends, especially guys who have gone thru this themselves, scheduling activities in the evening when I don't have the kids so that I am not just sitting around the apartment, prayer, giving myself grace, letting myself experience the grief instead of trying to stuff it or deny it, being introspective about what this experience is teaching me, what I can learn from the marriage and improve myself, etc.

Guys that have been thru this say that I am doing the right things, "doing the work" they call it" and this will help me heal well in due time.

The relationship with the kids is so great. Being solo with them for days on end has been exhausting but awesome. Contrary to my fears, I am actually a really capable caregiver! We have had a good time together, and I can already tell that our relationship is going to be so much deeper than it has been. Very nice silver lining there....

I am not sure if I have been DB'ing or not. The first two weeks for just so traumatic, I just tried to survive. Talks with W were about basic logistics, nothing else. I guess that is better than me pursuing, begging, etc.

This week I find that I am going through an Anger stage. I am mad at her for what she is doing to me and the kids. This translates into me not wanting to be around her, because right now her mere presence sets me off into a really bad mood spiral. So I am trying to not spend any more time with her than absolutely possible, I am declining her invitations for family dinner etc., and am jealously guarding my time with the kids and declining her self-invitations to join us.

Frankly this week I have been a bit short and cold and nit-picky and rude in my dealings with her. Not the best attitude or strategy, but that is where I am right now. She is way ahead of me in detaching, and she wants us to be the happy divorced couple that hangs out, no hard feelings. I am not anywhere close to that yet, not sure I ever will be.

The other day she texted that we should still do Sunday dinners together because "the kids need to see us operating well as a family unit." I bit my tongue and didn't take the bait on that one. But declined the offer.

In the past week I think I have dealt with my anger by pushing her away, and mentally giving up on the M. I think it is self-protection, since hoping for a change is so hard. I have tried to pick up the pace on the D proceedings, if it is going to happen I just feel like I want to get it over with and move to the next chapter in life. I see no real hope of a reconciliation pre-D, and only a minimal chance post-D someday. I am spending less time hoping for reconciliation, more time thinking about what is negative about her and the M, and more time imaging a brighter future with a healthier me and a healthier relationship with someone else someday.

Sometimes this attitude feels good, like it is me accepting reality and detaching and moving on. Other times I feel like I have given up DB'ing, and have given up on the marriage too early.

I suppose I need to get to a place where I am detached and have "dropped the rope" and am working on myself instead of focusing on her still. THat way there is a better me that comes out of this, regardless of whether she ever wants to restore the M.

Lots of confusing thoughts...

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Guys that have been thru this say that I am doing the right things, "doing the work" they call it" and this will help me heal well in due time.

Doing the work, yessiree. That is exactly what it is. So many people run right into the arms of someone else, because it's easy to forget the pain. Or they numb themselves with work, or exercise, or alcohol. Doing the work is the hardest thing to do, and yet you are doing it. You're taking the road less travelled.

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This week I find that I am going through an Anger stage. I am mad at her for what she is doing to me and the kids.

I went through that. I started lashing out. I was pissed. To be thrown away, after over 30 years. And he did it turning a major turning point in one of our kids' lives, turning the focus of that major event onto himself. So self-centered. It was the first time I was really angry enough to lash out at him. But the DB coach said the stuff I did was "punishing" behavior. OK to be mad, just not to act in a punishing way. So I stopped.

It doesn't look to me like you're being punishing, though. It looks instead like you're taking care of yourself. It looks like she wants to eat cake. If she wanted a family unit, she should've tried to work on her marriage.

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I suppose I need to get to a place where I am detached and have "dropped the rope" and am working on myself instead of focusing on her still. THat way there is a better me that comes out of this, regardless of whether she ever wants to restore the M.

Yes. I think I got caught up in the DBing, thinking that if I messed up with DBing, that I was ruining my marriage's chances. But really, I think DBing is about working on yourself instead of focusing on your WAS, just like you said. It's a progression that helps you with every step you take. If you stumble, you just pick yourself right up and start again, and the result is a better you, no matter what happens.

It's meant for you, not your WAS. So if she stays away, you are okay. If she comes back, you are okay.

All that said, I feel your pain, I wish there was something to say to make it better. It hurts like hell, makes you stop eating, stop sleeping, makes you question everything... nothing like it at all. I think the loss of a child would trump it, sure, but leaving our kids out of the equation... not much else can touch it. Scorchingly painful.

I think you're doing a great job in extremely difficult circumstances.

Thanks Nitty, appreciate it.

Tex, you still read these? I'd like to know where you're at if you do. Thanks.

Hi guys, sorry haven't posted in a while. I am about 6 weeks past the move out, and am slowly but steadily recovering from that trauma. I am still doing the right things: counseling, exercise, talking often with guys who have been thru D. I can't say I feel better each day that goes by, as there are ups and downs, but if am definitely feeling better week by week.

Don't really see the W too often, I try to minimize our time together. I am still in the Anger stage but think I am moving thru it productively. I saw W today and it didn't set me off like it has in the past.

Still really enjoying my time with the kids, our relationship is so much deeper now. I think they are doing as well as can be expected.

Stopped wearing the wedding ring about a week ago. Just didn't feel right wearing it anymore. Not wearing it hasn't felt as tough as I thought it would. Just realized that when I saw W earlier today I forgot to even check whether she has taken hers off. I bet she has, since she has seen me without mine. Probably a good sign that i didn't even remember to check.

W met with her lawyer yesterday, and they are supposed to send us a draft decree sometime soon. Hopefully it will be reasonable and we can negotiate fairly quickly and painlessly.

Kind of had a date yesterday. She didn't know it was a date. Woman I had met thru work circles recently, so it was a business networking lunch, but I do find her attractive so it was an interesting experience for me. I know I need to stay away from serious relationships for quite a while, but it was nice being with a woman who seemed to be interested in me. Nice ego boost, and a reminder that lie will go on and will be good.

Not sure whether there will ever be a chance of reconciliation with W. Most likely not, but who knows. I think it would be way down the road, like a few years from now, if it ever happens. I can foresee me getting on with life and feeling much better being away from her and in a healthier relationship with someone else, and eventually feeling like the D was a good thing for me. Not that D is good, but my mindset is that I didn't choose the D, but if it is forced on me I will make the most of it, make it the best thing that ever happened to me by using the pain to prompt me to improve myself, my life, my parenting, etc. it is like people who get a terminal disease or lose a limb, sometime it ends up being the best thing that ever happened to them, because they make it so. I know that I am already stronger and wiser from the experience. God doesn't waste pain.

My counselor says I am doing very well and he thinks I will heal at a good pace. He says we are going to discuss setting a date off in the future, where I commit to not being in a serious relationship until that date. Then we will spend time making a list of the attributes and values I will be looking for in a woman. Should be an interesting exercise. I guess it is intended to prevent the quick rebound relationship where you just end up marrying the same person over again. I am a bit paranoid that I am attracted to troubled women, so I would like to correct that if possible.

My current job situation is still a bit unstable, but it am close to moving to a new employer. Hopefully it will be a good move.

God tex. I felt like I could've posted all of that. From avoiding new women and concerns about gravitating to be wrong kind, to pessimism about chances of R but optimism about how we'll deal with the loss, to acknowledging there is still a lot of anger to work through and it's not easy but that there is a lot of good life in the middle of all of this. I feel you completely.

I paused here thinking of things to add but you've said it all. Ill just tell you about a funny message I left for my best friend. He knows I have a defense mechanism which can be either productive or destructive depending how I use it- I channel my negative feelings into drive and kick serious, serious tail in competitive endeavors. For me that's my new job (all commission, need to perform) and games. I am a pro level pool player but have been leaning more towards poker lately because there's steadier action and more money. So I've been working seriously on my poker game and have been having fun and getting better. In my message I told him I was having fun attacking my job and poker, and that "all I have to do is take all that pain of betrayal, disillusionment, and loss of my life partner, and turn them into profitz!" I started laughing in the message as I said that. Maybe you had to be there.

Take care and keep going Tex!

Thanks bud.

How you doing, HopeTex?

Hi guys, probably no one except Nitty checking in on this, I have been off for a long time, since Nov 14 it appears.

I was still in a pretty bad place then, and even during Thanksgiving which I spent in Santa Fe with my sister and her family. But I think I hit a turning point at the end of that break, where I am looking to the future and seeing bright things.

My job situation resolved well, I moved to a new employer and it is a better situation than before. That really took a lot of stress off.

For me, dating has also helped. I know I need to go slow, and I am trying to. But spending time with new women that are pleasant and attractive and attracted has been a great new experience, a great distraction to keep me from thinking about my wife, and a great eye opener. More and more I see how bizarre my wife was (due to her childhood experiences I suppose) and how little affection (physical, emotional, etc) I have received in the M. (Not that I am perfect either)

I recently re-encountered a woman I had gone to school with. She is a widow, as her husband died of a freak heart attack a year and a half ago. We reconnected and it has been really surprising and nice. I am not sure my wife is even of the same species as this woman! She is fun and passionate and physically comfortable. And she says she had a great and intimate marriage before her husband died.

It is like the darkness has lifted and I am seeing sunlight. There actually are good, loving Christian women out there. I didn't choose this D, but if this is the reality I have to accept, it turns out the reality is pretty durn good!

Things are going well with the kids, I love having them when I do, and I think I am becoming a pretty good single Dad.

My interactions with the W are pretty curt; I just don't like seeing her or talking to her much. I think in time I will be able to act more friendly with her, just not yet.

So in short, I think things are going great! Off to spend the weekend with the Wonderful Widow!