I think my old thread is about to lock, so I'm starting a new one.
Here's the link to the old thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2486085&#Post2486085I changed the thread name because I don't think I'm lost anymore. I think I am starting to get a sense of the path I want. Maybe there are potholes in the road and sometimes I can't see over the hills, but I am gaining confidence that I can navigate it myself, without H if necessary.
Well my whole "not lost" theory is about to be tested. H had agreed that when he found a place and was ready to move, he'd set up an appointment with MC so we could go over the separation agreement and work out how to tell the kids. He just emailed me to see if I could meet on Friday. Oh boy!
One more post today. H confirmed he found a place and thinks everything will be finalized this week. It's furnished so there's not a lot of prep work. S18 is home from college this weekend so I suppose we will need to tell them while he's here. H has wanted this for 5 months now. I am not completely fine with it but I am ok for today.
Since we have been living together and sharing a bed I have not exactly been dark. That's something I'll need to learn.
I'm sorry that's in front of you. Wish I could give you a hug. Look forward to the positives. It gets better.
I'm sorry Rpp. You will be okay. You will be better than okay!
Thanks, ladies. I'm OK today. Later he emailed some comments about sharing parenting time with the girls and I was very annoyed that he mentioned wanted to arrange things to maximize his "free" time. Hello, we have three kids, who guaranteed him "free" time? But I didn't respond that way, I just said it was something we could speak to the MC about on Friday, she's also a family therapist who works with children so I'm sure she'll have some suggestions.
After nearly five months of limbo, things seem to be happening very quickly now. The next couple of weeks will be interesting.
Good luck, rppfl. Sounds like you're buckled in for the journey.
Rppfl, my H found a place only two months after BD, then took a trip for a week, then I took a trip for a week and a half, and by then he had moved out. It was very fast, but I can truly say that it is MUCH easier with him out of the house, even though it feels more finite and bad in other ways. I think you will find that you have more peace without having to navigate his emotional state on a daily basis.
Also, it gives him a chance to miss you and what you have provided for him. In the month since my H has been gone, he's said things like "I miss your cooking" and "I miss our friendship." Of course, these proclamations don't mean that he's coming back, but without the physical space of not living together, he probably wouldn't be missing those things.
Regardless, it will be an opportunity for you to have space for yourself -- and to maximize YOUR free time. Enjoy it! With three kids, when was the last time you were able to go out and have fun just for yourself?
This is H's reply to my holiday inquiry:
"I assumed I'd spend at least a portion of Thanksgiving and Christmas with the family."
I am not sure how I feel about that. H's own mom and dad (actually a step dad) have been divorced 10 years, MIL is on her 3rd husband AND YET they all spend holidays and vacations together as if they are not D. MIL leaves new husband at home and walks hand in hand down the beach with FIL and everyone has a great time. It's bizarre. Does my H think that I am willing to do that too? Ummmm. Not.
RRP,
So sorry to hear of H's move to an apartment. It might be a good thing for you two since it will give you space and will allow H to see what life will look like without being around family. That will present a strong contrast for H and it may take some more time for H to come to the realization that "the grass isn't greener on the other side".
Give your feelings time to settle down a bit and you'll get some clarity soon enough. Allow the process flow naturally and you'll have your answers soon enough about the holidays.
rpp
i can totally relate to the family thing. My parents are the poster children for abnormal relationships. as children we didn't think anything of it really. My parents swapped partners, swapped back, separated, remarried to other people. They all spend holidays and any other time together. go figure but it works for our crazy family.lol We don't know any other way.
Thanks, Wonka. I am trying to look at the "bright" side, if you can call it that, of H having to live without his family. Right now he comes home and his kids have been picked up from school, assisted with their homework, shuttled to and from other activities, his dinner is ready, his laundry is clean, his house is clean, and everyone is thrilled to see dad. Let's see if OW can match up to that, maybe she can, maybe she can't. And I do believe your advice is right on about the holidays, I'm not going to commit to anything right now. I may or may not be ready to play happy family him come Thanksgiving. I have said all along that his moving out and forcing us to tell the kids is a major hurdle for me, and I just don't know how I'll actually feel when that happens.
This is going to be a vent post, sorry in advance. The tuition bills for D11 come to me by email, I immediately forward to H. H just complained that they come to me and "by the time he gets them" they are late, meaning I was at fault for not sending them soon enough. I looked at the time stamps, and I forwarded the last one immediately, then he sat on it for another month until it was late. NOT my fault. Grrrrr.....
You're right, so don't take it on. He's trying to had his guilt to you, refuse to accept it.
That's in your control.
rppfl sorry to hear about your latest developments. I too am facing a a WAS moving out and it can be terrifying if you let it. Choose to stay positive and know that now will be your time to shine. I wish you the best!
RPP,
I'm sorry you are in a difficult place. Yes, Labug is correct. That's projection from you h. Don't take responsibility for his caca.
Hope the day gets better!
H's decision about the tuition was to pay the rest of the year off and not have to deal with monthly bills. Fine by me. If he'd go ahead and pay the next six years after that, then I wouldn't have to address that legally in a D settlement. ;-)
I replied this morning to H's holiday suggestion that we spend "at least part" of Thanksgiving and Christmas together as a family. I told him that it was something to consider but I wasn't ready to commit to that yet, let's reevaluate later. So that's off the table for a while.
I just need to have this move-out done with and let me settle myself a little. It's like the sword of Damocles.
labug said: "Keep this sassy rpp, I like her.
What are you doing for you?"
Labug, I am indeed a little sassy. Sometimes that gets lost. Right now I'm spending most of my free time coaching D11's basketball team. I'd really like to do something else that's not kid-related but haven't found that thing yet. I may possibly have more free time when H leaves, that's yet to be seen, it depends largely on how D16 reacts and how much time she wants to spend with him.
H replied to my suggestion that we reevaluate the holiday schedule later, and he wasn't particularly nice. I don't think he was expecting that I wouldn't welcome him to the Thanksgiving table with open arms, and he was quite snippy about it. It surprised me, and surprised me even more that he referenced our "underlying issues and the relationship dynamics." That's not what this discussion was supposed to be about. To this day, I don't really understand what the "issues and dynamics" are, I asked him to please expand on what those issues are for my own knowledge and for the sake of our future co-parenting relationship. I know that smacks of R talk, I didn't mean it that way, really, and he brought it up, not me. But I didn't want to pass up the opportunity to finally understand what this is all about. H and I may never have a R (outside of the 3 kids) again, but I'm going to with someone and I need to know what to work on before I get there.
How much time is he going to be with his children once he moves out?
How much time is he going to be with his children once he moves out?
Our kids are S18 (away at college), D16, and D11. We are really talking about the 11 year old here. H originally proposed that we share 50/50 with her spending a week with dad, a week with mom. I said I wouldn't go an entire week without her, and that I didn't see how his schedule would allow that anyway, as he travels and has a lot of business dinners, doesn't get home from the office until 7:30 or 8:00pm on a good day. I proposed dinner one night a week (not an overnight), and every other weekend at his place, which didn't include Sunday night, just Friday and Saturday. He said I made a good point and agreed to my proposal. I was pretty taken aback by that, I was expecting some push back, but didn't say anything. If we are all (both parents and kids) are handling things well, then his overnights can be increased as we go along. I'd rather start off skewed towards time with me and be able to release it as I see how my kids react than have to fight to get it back.
We both realize that D16 needs to be handled differently, she's old enough to make her own choices. That's where the concept of his "free" weekends came in, he didn't want D16 to visit on the opposite weekends of D11 because then he wouldn't have as much free time. Boo hoo.
S18, being of legal age, is under no obligation to see either one of us, but he still has a bedroom at our home, he won't have his own space at H's new place, it's a 3-bedroom.
Hmmmmm curious abut your arrangement. Do you mean he's only going to have her one evening/week (3-4hrs?)and then maybe 36 hours every other weekend? Why?
For now, one weeknight evening every week and then from
Friday after school to 6pm on Sunday night every other weekend. Mostly because he travels a lot, has business dinners out a couple times a week. And he needs "free" time now also apparently.
I assume he will still come to her sports games and we by necessity will all attend church together also.
But he originally asked for 50/50. How he figures out his 50% is up to him. He can step up for his daughter and she needs that time with him. Don't undermine that.
You also need time for you.
You said earlier that you wanted to know what you needed to change and he won't tell you. Maybe this is one of those things.
Have you read Underdog's post to Maybell today?
labug, thank you for this. I have always done 80% of the parenting heavy lifting and it's hard to give up. I will have to consider why I did it, how it affected our M, and why I am reluctant to give it up going forward. It's something I need to ponder and process.
rppfl, I too handled the lion's share of parenting, thinking I was doing H a favor since he was so busy with work. Guess what? He resented it. Said I "interfered" with his parenting, that he felt he always had to "ask permission" to do something with daughter (not true- but we do have to communicate plans, right? in the past, anyway). Also, he feels that dads are made to look "stupid, stinky, and fat" (in TV commercials, I guess?). This is according to daughter who said, "well, you're not stupid or fat" (!). (But yes to stinky, apparently.) Somehow the TV perception of men is my fault, of course.
Now that we are separated, I have to COMPLETELY let go of parenting every other week. Difficult and scary, but also liberating in other ways. I have to find ways to be okay with his rules at his house, which contradict mine (regarding TV usage and devices, mainly).
My only advice is see this as an opportunity to let go a little control, and enjoy the bit of liberation it might bring you. Remember, we are all in training for the day when we watch our little ones leave the nest.
Now that we are separated, I have to COMPLETELY let go of parenting every other week.
Remember, we are all in training for the day when we watch our little ones leave the nest.
Ahoy, I admire you for being able to let go of parenting half the time. I am soooo not there. My gut feeling is that it's not good for D11, but I'm willing to consider that it has more to do with me than her.
My S (now 18) was a few weeks old when my mother referred to me not as my own name but ("S's name)'s mom". My D (now 16) had a friend who called me "(D's name)'s mom" for years past her other friends switched to Mrs. RPP. Everyone at my place of employment knows me as "(D11's name)'s mom" because she just graduated from here in the spring. I have little identity of my own, I'm Mom.
I was totally prepared to shoulder my 80% until they actually left the nest. The idea of giving it up before then is actually quite disturbing.
I have so many things to think about here. I appreciate the input from everyone.
RPP,
Every sitch is different. My xh complained that I didn't "intervene" on his behalf. That is something I'm unwilling to do a 180 on. His R with the kids is his. He also "just wanted to see the kids" so parenting time is not top priority for him. As a matter of fact, his activities and gf take precedent over the kids. That's his deal and his alone. This may change over time or it may not. I have no clue.
I see postings where some have suggested you *make * the other parent step up. Just from my own experience (and each sitch is different), my xh is not fond of hearing parenting suggestions from me, so I leave that alone. It also depends on your kids and the sitch. Again, it can all change. I'm just saying that things aren't always cut and dry.
Thanks!
I see postings where some have suggested you *make * the other parent step up.
rpp, I'm just catching up on your sitch, so I don't know if this is ground that's been covered before. I'm not suggesting that you "make" him do anything and I hope it didn't come across that way. We know we can't make anyone to anything, right?
But we can get out of the way. Your H did originally ask for 50% so he must have wanted it.
This is less about him and more about you and your D.
Labug,
I wasn't insinuating that was you:-). I just meant I've read some posts where it's implied that the other person could actually get the other parent to step up. That isn't always the case. I understand what everyone is trying to say.
You are right. If someone asks for 50/50 then they certainly appear to want to pull their share.
No harm, no foul. I didn't think you did, I just wanted to be clear about what I was saying.
Even tho my kids were older, this was a big pill for me to swallow, although my H parented differently that didn't mean he was a bad parent.
Sometimes our stepping back creates space that the other person can step up and fill. We never know unless we create the space.
Some will step up, some won't.
We then have our answer.
I actually don't know that H really wanted to pull his 50% share as much as he wanted it to be easy. He didn't want to have to keep track of something like a 3 4 4 3 schedule, he specifically called that "ridiculous". When I suggested something way less than 50/50 he readily agreed, gave no pushback whatsoever. My thought was to disturb D11's routine as little as possible in the beginning and then increase overnights with dad until everyone was comfortable. This isn't a legal agreement so we can change whenever we want.
Did he say it was ridiculous and he wouldn't do it or just that is was ridiculous?
Did he say it was ridiculous and he wouldn't do it or just that is was ridiculous?
He said he didn't want to get caught up in a "ridiculous convoluted" schedule that was "hard for everyone to manage" and that a week at a time was the "smoothest". He didn't actually refuse to do it and I hadn't previously proposed anything at all, I had asked him what he thought would work. We have friends who use the 3 4 4 3 and I guess that's where he got that idea. I didn't get the sense that he had really put any thought into it at all.
If y'all haven't figured me out by now, I'll tell you that I need time for things to swirl around in my head and thoughts to pop out. My brain is like a slot machine where you pull the lever and things spin and then something comes up. ;-)
So.....in thinking about the whole time share thing, and re-reading my thread and Maybell's, here's what I have come up with. If H asked for 50/50 then who am I to judge why he did that? He may or may not have known what he was getting into, but that's not my problem, he will figure that out soon enough. Still, I personally am not ready for 50/50 but I am willing to increase his overnights from 2/14 to 5/14. For D11, I proposed every Thursday as an actual overnight, not just dinner, and then added Sunday night to the weekend mix. So every other week he has Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights, (and just Thursday night on the off weeks). I can live with that for now and puts us further down the road towards 50/50 someday. I am pretty sure that D16 will never get to 50/50, but that's more up to her than it is us.
I've also considered how our previous sharing of child responsibilities affected our M. I am comfortable saying that I never criticized H for his parenting, and didn't try to micromanage it in any way. If he fed the kids cr*p for dinner and forgot to bathe them not a word was said. However, I will admit that I did resent having to shoulder the burden of childcare while he did whatever he wanted to, dinners out, football games, etc. I often thought that when I wanted to do something, it was a big production to do it, having to find and pay a sitter, make dinner ahead of time, etc., whereas when H wanted to do something he just did it, usually without discussing it with me first. That probably played a role in my attitude even though I didn't recognize it. And it's just another example of how I didn't stand up for my wants and needs, but swallowed hard and swept things under the rug.
Also, just the sheer time it took to raise three kids and manage a house while working full time left little time for H and the M. If I had asked for his help more, that perhaps would have left time to spend on the M. So, that's that. And it's too late now.
I even know why I did all this. I put my parenting percentage at 80%, but my mom's was 99%. She had total responsibility for raising me and my sister, my dad barely interacted with us at all. I thought my M was so much better than my parents because my H actually participated with the kids some.
So how did I do with all that?
Bravo! I love the fact that you listen and dig in. I detect no defensiveness. That's one of my personal bugaboos
You seem to be able to look very honestly at yourself and your actions.
I read more of your early threads last night and saw that your H took your D11 on a week long vacation and then they were together the next week because you and the older kids were off doing something. Seems he can handle it.
I think it's important for you, too, because you often remark about not having time for anything, helping with all the kid stuff then cleaning the house until late, no one knows your name only that you're (kid's)-mom, your GAL is coaching basketball for you D...There's some resentment tied up in all that.
What will you do for you in your free time?
Often times the marriage does get left in the dust of the family life. Sad but true.
Bravo! I love the fact that you listen and dig in. I detect no defensiveness. That's one of my personal bugaboos
You seem to be able to look very honestly at yourself and your actions.
Thank you. I am so grateful for you and everyone on this forum who asks hard questions and makes me think.
I read more of your early threads last night and saw that your H took your D11 on a week long vacation and then they were together the next week because you and the older kids were off doing something. Seems he can handle it.
H is very good with the kids now that they are older and I have no qualms about sending them off with him in vacation mode. School mode will be new for him, but he's a big boy and can figure that out, too. I just have to let him.
I think it's important for you, too, because you often remark about not having time for anything, helping with all the kid stuff then cleaning the house until late, no one knows your name only that you're (kid's)-mom, your GAL is coaching basketball for you D...There's some resentment tied up in all that.
What will you do for you in your free time?
Ok, there you go asking the hard questions again. Some people will be thinking "what's so hard about that?" right now, but I have been wrapped up in being Mom for almost 19 years now. It's comfortable, and I'm good at it. Being a mom is also a shield, I don't have to develop myself in other ways because, look at me, I'm really, really busy being a great mom. Doing things that don't involve my kids is uncomfortable and I'm not good at it. So it's hard. And this is where my brain starts swirling again.....
That's OK, you don't have to do anything right now but think about it. Start slow, what's something you've always wanted to do? Just one thing.
RPP,
Yeah...my Mom raised 4 daughters and her #1 priority was being a Mom which affected her outside interests. Now that we're grown up, she's involved on the Economic Board and other activities. Makes my head ache at times just listening to her.
Do what you feel most comfortable with now and the rest will just fall in place.
Yesterday I made a list of about 50 GAL things that I could possibly do. I have to say I'm not really interested in some of them, but I was just brainstorming and wrote everything down. Still, there are plenty of interesting things on the list. I need to spend more time thinking about which ones I might choose and how to implement them.
H and I have MC later today, he asked for it, I think to get her input so we can finalize the separation agreement. He should know this morning whether the deal on the place he's looking at will go through or not, so maybe the timeframe will become clear. I feel very anxious about all this. In days past I have felt ready for him to go, but today I'm quite unsettled by it. Wish me luck, calmness, and clarity, friends.
Just because it hurts doesn't mean there isn't some good in it. Like disinfecting a wound before you stitch it up. I hope you get a lot out of the MC today and come away from it with some clarity. I'll be thinking of you.
Just because it hurts doesn't mean there isn't some good in it. Like disinfecting a wound before you stitch it up. I hope you get a lot out of the MC today and come away from it with some clarity. I'll be thinking of you.
Thank you Maybell. I feel like crying for the first time in weeks. I hate to cry at work, though......
You may want to check out Dr. Dobson's book "Love Must Be Tough". It's along the same lines as DB/DR and it's geared towards spouses dealing with affairs.
Btw - that ring on your finger is not just a covenant between you and your H, it's between you and God too. Even though your H may not be taking it seriously right now, I guarantee God is and will provide you comfort when you look to him for it. :-)
FunDad
Btw - that ring on your finger is not just a covenant between you and your H, it's between you and God too.
You know, it's interesting you say that. Before our wedding, we had required sessions with the priest, and he made that point. About 15 years ago I found out that H had been exchanging racy emails and phone calls with one of my best friends who lived in another state. The thought that my wedding vows were actually made to God was what got me through that difficult time.
I took my wedding bands off in June the day H rolled in at 6:30am after having spent the night with OW. He had previously told me he had broken it off with her to work on M. I was up all night worried about him. I haven't worn them since.
Maybe you should put them back on? If he asks, you can tell him that you are serious about your commitment in marriage because it's not just about him and the ring comforts you as a reminder that God loves you both. He can give you strength.
This message on forgiveness will lift your spirits:
http://www.marriagetoday.com/overcoming-unforgiveness/
Hey, rp, good luck today. Be open about the appt, you never know what you might learn. If you go in with a certain expectation, that's probably what you'll get.
(( ))
And great work on the list. You can whittle it down. I went skydiving (indoor) with my sons and found out that' not on my list of things to do more of.
What's the first thing on the list that causes a bit of nervous excitement?
What's the first thing on the list that causes a bit of nervous excitement?
Writing. I'm not sure what that means. Writing fiction or non-fiction, stories, poems, journaling. It's something that's been in the back of my head for a really long time.
One of my friends is a lawyer-turned best-selling thriller writer. After I read one of his books about CIA black sites and foreign porn rings, I felt very naïve. And very intimidated. I know I would have to find my own subjects, but I can't think of a single thing I know that would be interesting to anyone else. So maybe I'll start with journaling. ;-) But to turn that into an actual GAL, I realize I'd need to get out into the world and either take a workshop or join a writers' meet-up group, something that actually gets me out of the house. I've got this! ;-)
You know, one of the fun things I did a while back on my GAL track was to take a creative writing workshop. There is something that happens when you use the artistic side of your mind, it re-engages your brain in creating something vs living the pain.
Go for it. you'll love it.
Hey slow down. Take it one bite at a time. Or Bird by Bird (google that) All those things would be great but do them as you're ready.
I'm an introvert and if I only did GAL things that got me out of the house surrounded by strangers, I wouldn't GAL much. Create a mix that works for you.
(I have a job that gets me puuuhlenty of interaction with new people and a small group of longtime friends, I'm not a hermit)
I define GAL as things that make me feel more like me. Thinks that feed a passion, things I'm able to lose myself in.
Your GAL has to be about you.
Well, gosh labug, it would be so much easier for me to stay at home and write! LOL I'm also an introvert but have a job that requires me to be quite social sometimes, so I'm big on being at home. But I also like the idea of a workshop, so I may check into that just to get started. I'm afraid if left to my own devices I'll feel obligated to clean something instead of write. ;-)
Thanks for the book suggestion, I ordered it.
I'm off to MC.
I like workshops, too. I'm going on a weeklong Mindfulness retreat in Jan. I'm excited.
About the slowing down, I sometimes put too many barriers or prerequisites on things I want to do...and then I don't do them.
I've learned to jump without worrying about the net too much.
You know I find it fascinating how many of us ladies on the forum are self identified introverts. Maybe there is some sort of correlation between being introverted and seeking this type of assistance in this situation.
Rppfl- Pursue the writing! Go to those workshops! There are so many opportunities out there that didn't used to exist. You can write a blog or or look into self publishing. And for the record, I would much rather read an insightful work on say, how one woman delat with upheaval and separation than any book about CIA black sites - but that's just me :-)
I'm back from MC, it's the first time we've been in several months and by far the most productive session ever. Too bad the focus was on separation and not reconciling. But still, I'm at peace with the what I said and how I conducted myself, I was calm and honest, I only cried a teeny bit ;-) and I had clearly thought through things. H on the other hand, had clearly not spent much time thinking about anything other than how many bedrooms he was going to rent.
When we discussed how to tell the kids and I asked how to handle it when they asked if "dad had a girlfriend" - that's the way D11 will phrase it, D16 will be a lot more blunt -- that seemed to take H by total surprise. Duh.... they aren't 4 years old, they are going to ask. I made it clear that although I wasn't going to throw him under the bus, he needed to take responsibility for his own actions without blaming me. I told him I'd happily deflect questions about that area to him "you need to speak with dad about that" but that he had to tell me what he was going to say. I said I'd back up however he wanted to handle it as long as he was being honest. He just seemed totally at a loss as to what to say, so we didn't really resolve that part.
We went to lunch afterwards, and he talked a little more about apartment shopping, his favorite subject these days, and how at the place he wanted the pool was closed for repairs. Big whoop, we have a pool in our backyard, it's not like the condo pool is going to be special to the kids.
Overall, I was happy with the afternoon, I expressed some things I've been holding in, and he commented that he noticed some changes in me. I'm just not sure that without changes in him, too, I actually care.
Good for you for insisting that he be honest with the kids. It sounds like you handled that well, and that he hadn't even considered it.
When my H wanted to tell our D that he was leaving, he wanted to tell her we were amicably separating. I insisted on the same things as you -- that he can come up with something to tell her, but it had to be the truth (he was leaving), and that I would back him up.
It sounds like you are doing all the right things, and your H will have to face the music with the kids eventually. Sadly, a lot of the MLCers mentally diminish the effect on the kids to spare themselves the guilt. I hope he is starting to realize the mess he's making.
I don't know that your H is in MLC, he's doing what most people do, trying to hide from uncomfortable emotions, his and others.
It must have felt good walking out of the mtg knowing you did the best you could under the circumstances. About crying, it's OK, you're losing something that was important to you. Crying isn't weakness.
So H told me this morning that the deal went through and he's signing the lease papers today.
I"m sorry, rppfl. I know that must be difficult. But keep in mind that you will have more breathing room and peace with the additional space that you have without him present in your home. You will certainly have ups and downs as well, but you won't have to hide it. Look for those silver linings!
On the plus side, RRP, is that you can finally sleep without H hogging the covers! Gotta find some sliver lining here...however small it may be.
On the plus side, RRP, is that you can finally sleep without H hogging the covers! Gotta find some sliver lining here...however small it may be.
I readily confess that I'm the covers hog. But he snores!
Still don't know the timing on all this. I'm sure he's anxious to get out but the MC suggested some things yesterday that will drag it out a little. Not to purposely drag it out but to be intentional and ready for the kids questions. And we need to get S18 home from college for the conversation so that takes a little coordination.
If this were just about me and H I think I'd be ok with it. I don't know how I'm going to stand hurting the kids though. I am trying to view this as a teaching opportunity on how to treat people that hurt you, how to handle life's ups and downs with grace and dignity, how to fight for what you believe in, how to be a strong independent woman who knows how to handle herself. And maybe a woman who can be sad about life's twists and turns but doesn't let them defeat her.
RPP,
It is not about "hurting" the kids per se...it is how you present your POV to the them that is genuine and authentic. Present it in a way to them that shows that you still love H and very much want the marriage to work yet Dad needs time and space to figure things out. However, both Mom and Dad love the kids....that has not changed nor ever will.
RPP,
It is not about "hurting" the kids per se...it is how you present your POV to the them that is genuine and authentic. Present it in a way to them that shows that you still love H and very much want the marriage to work yet Dad needs time and space to figure things out. However, both Mom and Dad love the kids....that has not changed nor ever will.
Wonka I hear you. And I think H and I are going about this in as intentional and conscientious manner as we can. But my 11 year old is not going to understand why dad decided it was a good idea to get a girlfriend and go live somewhere else that's not with her. Honestly, I don't understand it and I'm pretty sure even H doesn't understand it. That will hurt no matter what words we put around it. She will be ok, but different than if this had not happened. And for a while, it will hurt.
Two kiddos have October birthdays so today we put birthday celebrations on the calendar and agreed when S18 would be home. That puts a better timeframe on things for me, as talking to S in person is a critical piece of the plan.
I have been OK all day, running a basketball practice for my team, doing house chores, warehouse club shopping. Regular weekend busy stuff. H has been around, grilled burgers for dinner. Back to limbo for a few more weeks.
Hey rp, yes it will hurt but she (and the other 2) will look to you for how to move through it. One or the other of them may feel the need to take care of you.
Answer questions they ask but don't over answer. If they're dad question, refer them to him.
It's hard and I will admit, I didn't do this part very well.
Good morning, DB-ers! Yesterday was kind of a regular Sunday, church and breakfast out. I took S18 to the airport to get back to school, he will be back in about a month and that will be the "big discussion" I assume. Bummer, because the reason he's coming back is D11's birthday, that's a crappy present for dad to hand out. Happy Birthday, sweetheart, I'm leaving.
My basketball team had a game, sadly we lost. Grilled for dinner, regular Sunday night stuff. I slept very little last night, but it's Monday and we start again.
It's been almost 5 months since BD and will be about 6 when H moves out. I'm grateful for the semi-normalcy in between, time to wrap my head around it all, pull myself together for the sake of my kids. It would have been so difficult had he moved out earlier, my heart goes out to all of you who had it happen that way.
I am so tired this afternoon, I don't do well with little sleep. What I want is a H who can come home and take over, pour me a glass of wine and clean up the dinner dishes. Just this once. Instead I feel like I have to look good, be charming, have the house looking great, and serve up a great dinner. There's something wrong here.
RRP,
You're stressing out too much over little things. Let go of some things and the sky will not fall on you. Really take care of yourself...because you deserve it!
Pace yourself accordingly. Our minds and bodies can only take so much on....then we crash. Not good.
Totally. I hope you're getting your wine. ((( )))
Ok, dinner over, kitchen cleaned mostly. D16 and I are going to get some paint samples from Home Depot and then it's wine time!
Just to say it, the rules and regulations I put on myself are not about DB. That's what I've always done. I cook everything from scratch, make dinner every day. I drive the kids around, volunteer at all their schools, attend the meetings, have zero household help. I'm the woman people ask, "how do you do all that?" Maybe I'll take some advice and not do all that anymore. It's exhausting
Good morning, not much to report, as usual. D16 and I got the paint samples, it's one of the last pieces of the bathroom remodel. I will be glad to have it finished and the kids out of my bathroom!
Yesterday I had lunch with my priest/therapist friend. He's a good listener, and I have listened to him for so many years that he's very indulgent of me. It's great to vent sometimes. He says that I have a "healthy" attitude about things, which is a word both my IC and our MC have used about me. So, hey, I'm a mess, but that's "healthy"! ;-) Actually, I'm not a mess lately, I'm doing OK. Sometimes I'll have a panicky moment, but if I acknowledge it and sit with it a few minutes it subsides.
The more interesting part of lunch was how many people I knew at the restaurant. That's true wherever I go. I live in a big city, but our neighborhood functions as a small town, and I just know a lot of people because of my job and my kids. One of things MC asked H on Friday was if he was going to start taking OW out in public immediately after the separation begins, and she asked him to consider giving it a cooling off period for the sake of the kids. Because there's nowhere he can go that someone who knows me won't run into him, and then those people talk to other people, and then someone's kids overhear, and then it's in my kids face. But like anything else, he hadn't really thought about that. Where has the man's brain gone? What exactly has he been thinking about these past 5 months?
Sometimes I'll have a panicky moment, but if I acknowledge it and sit with it a few minutes it subsides.
Amazing isn't it?
Sometimes I'll have a panicky moment, but if I acknowledge it and sit with it a few minutes it subsides.
Amazing isn't it?
Yes it is. That's something I learned to do over the summer in a book I read. It's been very helpful. Previously I would try to force feelings to go away instead of acknowledging them. Part of my whole closed-off mode of operation. No more. Even H commented on this at MC the other day, how much more open I was lately. Yay for me going forward, it's a shame it took me so long to learn this. Oh, the things I wish I had known 20 years ago, seriously.
I'm feeling generally antsy this afternoon. I was on my way to a luncheon (job function), and stopped by my house, which was on the way, to pick up the cooler for snack for D11's VB game this afternoon. H was home waiting for the shower door people to finish (bathroom remodel). He was clearly upset that they were taking longer than he thought and commented that he was late for a luncheon. He did not ask me to stay, and I did not volunteer. In the past I would have totally blown off my luncheon to stay so he could leave, but I've always resented that he felt like his job was more important than mine. Yes, he makes more $, but mine has allowed my family a different lifestyle than they would have gotten if I'd had a different job. Anyway, later he sent a picture of the new shower door, and I thanked him for staying. But the whole thing just isn't sitting right, I don't even know why. It seems so silly, but yet I can feel it in my stomach. I really need to chill...
RRP,
I tell newbies and not so newbies that no action is action.
Sit tight. Things will be revealed in due course. It always does.
Thanks Wonka. You are always the voice of calm
And I do feel better. After work I went to D's volleyball game
then had practice for my basketball team. Dinner was "pick out" because H is out tonight, and that makes my evening very easy. Life is fine at this very moment. :-)
Good morning. Journaling this morning, H was out last night, got home late. The girls and I had a fine evening, picked out a paint color for the bathroom. H says it's too dark. In the past I would have quickly and totally caved in to the color he wants, even though I dislike it. But today I'm wondering why would I do that when he's about to move out anyway? I've always been jealous of those women whose Hs let them do whatever they wanted with the house. Mine is picky and there are a lot of things I would do differently. After he leaves, I have some re-decorating plans, although my budget will be small.
On the other hand, I need to keep him somewhat happy and invested in the house, since he's going to continue to pay for everything. I guess I won't paint the bedroom pink just yet.
H is supposed to take D11 home from her VB game and get her dinner tonight because I have Back to School Night for D16. Last time he was supposed to pick her up, he messed up royally. I asked him this morning if there was anything I could do to help him, and he said no, that he had just messed up. But I found out yesterday that he had thrown me under the bus to D11 about last time, he said that I hadn't told him where to go. I guess emails and texts don't count.
There's nothing fair about this situation, is there? I hope he gets it right today.
Plenty of time to paint the bathroom after he goes.
I'm sure your girls will love it!
Isn't it great to find just the right color? I love paint and painting.
Have fun.
I went to lunch with a very dear friend and told her that H was moving out soon. It was hard. She's the first one to know outside my priest/therapist friend and I just found it extremely difficult, I cried all the way back to work and I'm still a little weepy. I can't even especially put my finer on the emotion, yes I'm sad that he's moving out, but there's some sense of failure, and some social loss there, too. Some glimpse that I will probably be asking this woman for favors, help with the kids, etc. in the future, so maybe embarrassment or a fear of looking pathetic. Hard to say right now.
I hate that you're going through this, rppfl. I have been praying that your husband will come to his senses.
1 Corinthians 15:34
Sometimes telling people puts you right back in that difficult emotional place. I find that when I have to tell someone new, I have a hard time and am emotional and sad for a while afterwards. Then, with a bit of time, I feel stronger again. It's good to open up and share what you're going through, even though it is hard, because you will be widening your circle of friends who care (and can help, as you noted). Stay strong!
I hate that you're going through this, rppfl. I have been praying that your husband will come to his senses.
1 Corinthians 15:34
Thanks, I appreciate the prayers.
Back to School Night was interesting. H has never liked those events, and since I only had one schedule to walk, I was fine going alone and having him get dinner for the girls. But all my friends asked about H, which was awkward, although they didn't realize it, I just said he was fine and dandy thanks. It makes me wonder what to say after he actually moves out, do I continue to say fine and wait for someone else to share the gossip? I guess it will depend on who it is.
And last night also put my social fears into context. I went through the directory and noted which families have divorced parents. The count is 86. Out of about 600 families. And of the 86, many have remarried. So the percentage of single moms/dads is really low. Fact is, I don't really have any divorced friends. There's one mom at D11's new school, but she and her ex are "best friends" (her words) and he still pays for her to be a SAHM. She wont' go to any social event without him, she might as well be M. A couple of weeks ago, IC told me I might need to get some new friends, and I think she's right. Not that I'm giving up my old ones, but they just aren't as available to me as a single as they were a couple. Over the summer when H was out of town, I went to a couple of Meet-Up events and met some people there. I haven't been to anything since school started, but I'm willing to give those people a try. Being social outside my job is hard for me, but I'm determined to GAL.
I hear you about needing single friends. I haven't gotten there yet.
WRT your H moving out... I found that when I told a couple of key people the word started getting out on its own. It was hard to talk about the first couple of months, and I tried to cover it up, but when I was able to be more honest things became a LOT easier, especially when I had childcare issues and needed help.
I don't know what else to say, but I did want to say I hear you. Have a great day!!!
Finding new friends will happen, you may need to get some new activities but you can do that when the time is right.
About the separation and letting people know, you could tell a few close friends and then let them know whether it's OK to share that info if it comes up.Or you could not tell them at all.
When we S, I told my supervisor at work and said "I don't want to talk about this with others. I will let people know as I see fit." I work with a group of 20 women. I told maybe 2 people. No one else ever asked me anything. I don't know what others knew or didn't know. People don't need to know everything about our private lives. Unless your name is Kardashian
Only tell what you feel comfortable telling when you feel comfortable telling them.
rpp -- keep trying Meetup! That's been my go-to source for GAL these days. Some events are better than others, but there's something to be said for meeting new people, hearing new stories (everyone has had their challenges in life), and doing things with a group without the pressures of a "date."
I feel the same way about not having single friends - it's difficult at this stage in life. I feel like I'm the odd man out in musical chairs. Everyone managed to find a seat, and I landed on my a$$ on the floor. (And the music has stopped and everyone is staring at me.)
I've met some really nice men and women through MeetUp -- I especially like the hiking groups because it's conducive to conversations. Tomorrow, I'm going to a concert with one meetup group, and on Saturday I'm going to a hayride/barn dance/potluck with another. There are lots of fun opportunities to connect and get out of the house. Go find them!