Hello! My name is June & this is my very first post here. Seven weeks ago I went to tour a local preschool for my daughter. While talking to the administrator, she explained that I could opt out of providing a birth certificate if I wanted to and that one example of their needing one would be if the parents split up during the school year and the mom removed the dad from the authorized pick-up list. If no court order had been put in place, then they would continue to allow the dad his original rights. I vividly remember thinking "ha! THAT will never happen!" My husband and I have been together for 6 years, married for 4.5 of those years. I adore him. I've always made a habit of praising him, supporting him, complimenting him, submitting to him. I was always rather proud of my efforts, thinking that I was a good wife. I would ask him, if the subject came up because of something we observed with other couples, how I was doing in that area and he always assured me that I did well. On my last birthday, he announced to the internet that I was "the best wife and mother in the world." In March we miscarried a surprise third baby and I remember hugging him and crying and mentioning that I know that sometimes things like "this" tear couples apart. He strongly assured me that that would not be us. Ever since then, he's been noticeably down. Grumpy most days, angry with the kids very easily, somewhat apathetic. When I would notice that he was down I would always ask "how can I help? Have I contributed to your feeling this way?" And he ALWAYS assured me that I was not the cause of his misery. Through our entire relationship, we always agreed that divorce was never an option because we meant it when we made our vows. Because of all of these things combined, I was very confident that no matter what came our way, we were solid. And I know I, at least, was still very much in love. The man still gives me butterflies.
1 Thursday, 6 weeks ago, while I was 11 weeks pregnant, we had what seemed like a normal day.. He went to work, communicated with me the same way he always did, checking on me through the day, random "I love you's," he even invited the kids and me to go to a car show with his dad that night. We didn't end up going, bc he later found out that his dad wanted it to be a father-son-outing. When he came home that night we had dinner and I put the kids to bed. While upstairs, I texted him and asked a question I've asked many times before, "if you had it to do all over again, would you marry me?" I was shocked that I didn't get the immediate "of course I would" that I always had before. This time he paused...and then said "no, June, I wouldn't. It breaks my heart to say that." That obviously led me into the typical interrogating trying to figure out how on earth he could have come to that conclusion. For heaven's sake, we never even fought! He asked for a break that night and the kids and I moved in with my parents the next day. I had basically no answers, they were all vague and by nature I am a questioner. I research everything heavily...I like answers! I was floored when he got angry with me for asking what seemed like completely reasonable questions about our "break." He actually yelled at me for the very first time, because of me and my "damn questions all the time." It took one week (of me unknowingly pushing him further away) for him to say some very mean things and that he was "done." He's never said he's divorcing me in those words, but he did say that he can't divorce me while I'm pregnant...so I have until at least February to help this turn around. The kids and I have been back home for about a month, he's living with a friend who left his wife & 3 children about a year ago. He's financially supporting us and we have nightly "goodnight " phone calls for the kids. (D,4 & S, 22 months) he takes the kids 2-3 times a week and I see him at those exchanges. Our communication never includes fighting or even disagreeing. I've been doing phone sessions with Dr. Jack Ito (whom I found before I found DR & this site) I've had 3 sessions with him so far. First he instructed me to apologize to H for trying to keep him in a marriage that makes him unhappy and explain to him that his happiness is very important to me. After the apology I've had rules to live by, 1) initiate no affection - no pet names, no 'I love you', etc. 2) initiate no touching 3) initiate no contact that isn't absolutely necessary - he's given me "skills" to work on to help re-attract him - being agreeable in a very specific way & showing empathy. "Progress" keeps fluctuating. I keep thinking I see good signs and then winter comes back and he suddenly avoids eye-contact and conversation. It's a yo-yo. I've only cried in front of him once in a month, and that was this past Sunday because our daughter is actively rejecting him and it breaks my heart. I need advice and support, because most of my real-life support is getting tired of waiting and their support is wayning. :-/
Welcome to the board
Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Thank you, Mr. Bacon.
I teared up when you said that he is giving me a gift. In a lot of ways I've already realized that. I've started instilling changes in my life that I've known I needed to for a long time but haven't been able to find the motivation or self discipline to do it. This is my motivation and the self discipline has kicked in out of my fight or flight response. I've lost about 10 lbs since the break started (which my midwife is ok with since I was overweight at the beginning of my pregnancy) and I feel much more confident in my appearance. I've been spending more time with friends, friends whom I thought I'd lost as a result of being absorbed by motherhood. I've face my biggest fears and conquered them: being a single mom & sleeping "alone." Both of which have resulted in a boost in confidence. It's just so hard living on eggshells being afraid of saying or doing something that will push him even further away, since I've been so successful so far of making him run. I'm 99% sure that if I had known what I know now, when he asked for the break, that he'd be back home already. The hardest part of this is what it's doing to our children and the fact that he seems to not care. He's never been a selfish man...but suddenly he's behaving incredibly selfishly and recklessly. I'm amazed. I know he's young, but I really think this sounds like a MLC. Do you have any opinion on that?
Also, what does being on moderation mean? Small posts are difficult to accomplish. Haha.
Hi jpLove,
Sorry that you find yourself in this situation. You won't find a better group of individuals who will try to help your M get back on track.
Your H is not going through a MLC. Have you read the DB or DR books?
Hello, and thank you MrBond!
I read 90% of DR when a friend asked if he could borrow it briefly. Since it sounds like I can't do much until I see progress from LRT, I didn't see a problem in letting him borrow it...but I never did make it to the section about MLC in the back of the book. Would you mind explaining why you don't believe that is his issue? Thanks!
Hi June,
This stuck out to me:
"While upstairs, I texted him and asked a question I've asked many times before, "if you had it to do all over again, would you marry me?" I was shocked that I didn't get the immediate "of course I would" that I always had before."
Before that you painted a pretty happy picture of your M.. but I don't know that people who feel that all is well and confident about their M would be asking this many times. What do you think leads you to ask about this a lot? Was that only after the miscarriage and he became grumpy? Were other things happening that shook your confidence? Were you expecting more out of the responses? You mention being a questioner...maybe that's something to 180 if you're not already. In my M I also questioned a lot and wanted a lot of reassurances, and it didn't give me the answers I was seeking... instead it lead H to feel mistrusted, that I was jealous, and that I was always prying/nosey.
KGirl, you're right on the money. I have a needy personality which I never realized. I frequently looked for verbal assurance because I suppose that is part of my love language and he's not verbal much in any area...I always celebrated a little bit in my heart when he would compliment of affirm me, because it was rare. He did think I didn't trust him, when in all reality I did. I just needed more affirmation.
Also, KGirl, I have 180d on questioning. I thought I had bc I had cut out what seemed like invasive questioning, but later realized that I needed to cut more out. I was asking questions I viewed as conversational, but it came to my attention that bc of our situation, they probably felt interrogational to him. I still have my need for info satisfied a bit bc our daughter is a lot like me and asks him questions about his day during their nightly goodnight calls.
I just respond if he addresses me, now.
So, on Labor Day H was supposed to walk in the Labor Day parade in the town that he works in. He was also supposed to have our kids, so he got permission for them to walk in the parade with him. I asked him if he minded if I went to see my kids in their first parade & to take pictures. He said that was fine, and I agreed to not let the kids know I was there bc if they knew, they'd want to be with me & not him bc they are rejecting him right now. Monday morning came and he was an hour late picking them up bc he slept in. (So walking in the parade was now out of the question) Our Daughter asked him if I could go and he said he "didn't care," so I told her that I would drive myself. The town he works in is about 30 minutes away, and upon my arrival there I found out that my friends who were going to meet me there, decided not to go because they wanted to play match maker and force him to be with me since the kids weren't going to be part of the parade. (How frustrating!) by this point I was 30 minutes from home & our daughter expected me because she asked and we both agreed. I called him and explained what happened and he said "i don't know what to tell you" so I explained about how I want our daughter to know that what I tell her is truth and that "I'm not trying to force myself on you." He said "well that's kind of what you're doing" so I said "is that what I'm doing? Ok, I'll go home" he then urged me to stay for our daughter. so I did. He clearly enjoyed himself, he smiled at me a lot, pointed things out to me in the parade, we team-worked caring for the kids as well as we always have...and then when it was over he high-tailed it out of there as quickly as he could. I felt horrible about it all day, knowing in my heart that I had back-stepped my progress by staying.
Tonight, that was verified by a friend to whom he complained about it to...saying that I forced myself on him and that I should I have just gone home. I really believe he's just looking for reasons to be angry with me at this point, probably to validate himself bc he's realizing his original reasons to be mad weren't valid. Does anyone have an opinion or advice?
I have no specific advice, just general. Hang in there and be patient. Nothing will get better or worse all at once. Each interaction needs to be the best you can make it, but there will be bad ones, don't let them get you down. If you slip up, shake it off and get back to being your best.
Get a life (GAL) to whatever extent you can w/ two small ones.
Do what you can to be the wife only a fool would leave...your best self.
Be the best mommy you can, your kids need you badly right now. Plus, there's a chance that seeing you continue to be great with the kids may get his attention.
Keep posting, hopefully vets will chime in soon.
jpLove,
Your H is being immature. You went to a parade because your D wanted you there and you wanted to be there. It had nothing to do with him but he made it about him and then proceeded to complain about how horrible it was for HIM. What a child. Your 4 year old could handle it better.
At this point, I would back off as much as possible and GAL, make no contact outside of child related communication and work on your PMA. Fill your days with learning new things, having fun with your kids and taking care of womb-baby (which means taking care of YOU!). Set him aside right now because he's angry and hurt and acting out.
Give him ample space for now.
Just popping in to offer support and say you're not alone. I'm sorry you're in this situation while pregnant; it's not exactly the place you want to be when you should be glowing and soaking up the miracle of a new life.
Please try to find a place of peace and harmony (as much as you can in a crappy situation) so that your baby can grow and thrive. Your focus needs to be not only on YOU, but on this little bean that will become a son or daughter to cherish!
Do not let H and his alien actions rule too much of your day. I know that's easier said than done, but your little one needs you to try!
If you need to talk/vent/have someone listen please feel free to PM me!
Joe1981, thank you for your input! I'm already far closer to a better version of the woman he fell in love with than I've been since we had our first child. (Motherhood didn't treat me well...) and I'm so pleased with myself. It's weird to say that my life is actually better and easier now than it was before he left. Overall, I'm happier and more confident. I don't think that's a result of his absence, but a result of the wakeup call he force-fed me. I'm a better person and I'm far happier for it. I just pray that he will eventually wake up (preferably before I birth the child I'm carrying) and come be a part of this better life. I know he's unhappy, it's evident every time I see him (you'd think he'd at least fake it...right?) and a mutual close friend agrees that tucker seems miserable whenever he sees him...so I pray that sooner or later he realizes that I'm not the source of his unhappiness...since I'm as out of the picture as I can be without cutting off the kids' contact with him...and he still hasn't found his happiness.
I'm glad you're making personal growth. Keep your focus there and don't agonize about the day-to-day with your H. Try your best to stay off of his roller coaster.
jpLove,
Let's face it, finding happiness is a never ending endeavor. If your H is out looking for that and can't be married to you while doing it... well, that's a pretty bleak outlook from where I'm standing BUT hopefully some of his introspection leads him to realize that happiness takes WORK every single day. It takes courage and strength. It doesn't just appear because you walked away from your family. That realization happens slowly and sometimes it happens and the blame is placed on the LBS (you). Brace yourself for that possibility.
Keep up being you.
We're with you.
I could really use advice today. H texted me earlier and told me that he thinks I need to consider moving in with my parents. That means moving me & soon to be 3 children into my parents' 1300 sq ft house where my 68 year old mom is in ill health. The three kids and I would have a bedroom...and all of my furniture and belongings would have to go into storage. All because he can't financially support the decision he's made. I don't have a job because we both wanted our kids to have a stay home mom, and I'm 20 weeks pregnant. Getting a job isn't really a viable option at the moment, but moving in with my parents is even less viable. I've been following strict rules on communication with him but I'm stumped now. Part of me thinks I need to arrange a meeting with him where I lay it down. Why our problems aren't irreconcilable (no one was abusive, we get along very well, and there was/is no affair.) the ramifications both emotionally and financially of divorce for both of us and the kids, why us abandoning our house is not an option, and proposing that he needs to go to a retrouville weekend with me. I've never stood up to him so I have no idea how it will go. (Not because I was afraid of him, because I was needy and submissive.). Any and all ideas/advice is very needed and very welcome! Thank you!
JP,
I'm sorry you find yourself here. This must be incredibly difficult particularly while pregnant. Perhaps I missed something, however is your h saying he can't afford child/spousal support? Is that why he's encouraging you to move in with your parents? Please clarify.
Wow, he wants you to just move out with two kids one on the way? Why? Because he said so? Um, no.
Is this because he can't sustain two homes financially?
I wouldn't just up and move in with your mom. Let him move in with a buddy with little or no rent. You and your kids deserve a place that is HOME. Those kids deserve as much consistency as humanly possible right now and that home and their beds is IT.
How often does H have the kids?
Have you considered part time work?
20 hours a week at Starbucks gets you and your family full medical, dental and vision coverage, 1 lb of coffee a week, tips, decent pay for retail work and flexible hours.
I know it's not the direction you were hoping to go but it might be a good news flash to H how much he'd have to be there for the kids if you were working even part time, you know?
I would absolutely not move out. There are other options and he needs to be thinking about the kids.
I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. I was reading through the summary and its exactly the situation that I see my wife in right now. Some random comment (mine was you seem to be distant the last month or two) and then the BD. I tried to have her stay until we could get stuff figured out and she refused and left me, the kids and the house. I think that got her more upset, because she expected me to leave. However, through all of it, you need to do what's the very best thing for your kids. Even if this contradicts what you think the relationship needs. This is so tough for me to do also. Even though you want to be as understanding as possible, when it comes to kids and their needs, he needs to become responsible for his decisions. If he can't afford two houses, it should be his responsibility to figure out what HE can do and not displace your family.
She is acting the same exact way, seems to be unhappy. She tells people she misses her house, the dogs, the normal stuff. She's doing and saying things so others see that she is still unhappy. I think I agree that chasing happiness is a long endeavor.
Its been tough, since looking back there are no answers to why she felt this way (we didn't fight much either.) However, I think that there are some emotional issues that they themselves cannot identify and keep them inside. Then they start resenting others for not seeing them either and/or the other person being happy. At that point, they need to change something and unfortunately it seems to be the marriage. I pray in both of our situations, that they find their way and realize that chasing the next best thing will not ultimately make them happy with themselves. Best of luck to you.
Georgiabelle, thanks for replying! he is saying that he's paying more than the state would require (which he probably is by a few hundred) and that he can't afford it.
Ss06, he is already living with a buddy who charges him nothing to live there. Basically, as far as I know his only financial responsibilities other than our home and the little cash he gives us, is gas & food. He doesn't have leisure money, I think, and that is his complaint. He takes the kids around 1 on Sundays and keeps them until 8 and he picks them up after work (typically around 6/6:30) one weekday and brings them home at 8...so he's not with them much, at least not enough in my opinion....but I've given him the option to take them as much as he wants bc I think that it's outrageously important for them to have a good relationship with him. I'm considering telling him that I'll get an evening serving job & he can watch the kids every evening I work...I bet he won't be too keen on that though...we'll see, I guess. I'm dumbfounded that the kind, patient, selfless man I married has become so incredibly selfish.
jp,
I'm sorry, did you say he has no leisure money? Oh boo hoo. No money for him to go gallivanting around town while his pregnant wife is at home raising two other kids? Um, no.
The options here are:
1. He either makes more money or you both cut back in some area to make it so you BOTH can have leisure money.
2. You go get a serving job or something and he FATHERS the children (father's don't babysit or "watch the kids"). The alternative to this is a babysitter but that defeats the purpose of you going out to bring home a paycheck, right?
I don't see other options, do you? Does he have a plan for when the baby comes?
Ugh, I could give him a swift kick to the arse.
Ss06, I agree...it's ridiculous. This entire thing is ridiculous. Our problems are nominal compared to many problems in marriages that stay together! He's gone off his rocker...and the guy he's living with left his wife & 3 kids in NY and moved back to OH bc he was depressed & it was their fault...about a year or so ago. I'm sure that the friend is having a lot of influence on what H is doing, because this is so far out of left field it's unbelievable. The only option I can see right now is getting a job, and I HATE IT. I've been a sahm for a very important reason since our daughter was born, we were both convicted in it...so much so that he wanted me to homeschool our kids! So now their dad left and all their security is out the window. They've both developed so many irrational fears it shocks me. She's afraid to go potty alone now & my son is suddenly terrified of bugs, for example...so what do I do? I "go away" for long periods every day right after their dad left completely, and shake up their world even more, and the thought of having to leave my newborn after 6 short weeks just tears my heart up. I didn't leave my first two babies for even an hour EVER until they were a year old! I never ever imagined I'd be where I am now. (By the way, none of this is a judgement on anyone else's parenting...just what has been right for my family.)
Holy cow, somehow I just realized that there were numerous replies that I just didn't see until now, thanks everyone for your input and support!!
There really are just so many unfairnesses of it all. The injustice of him walking away from so many responsibilities. It's my opinion that when a couple decides for one parent to stay at home, that's a commitment from the other parent to provide safety and security to complete the goal at hand be it to stay home until the children are in school or to homeschool or whatever. It's a breech of a HUGE commitment to disappear.
It makes me wonder if he's running from responsibility because he feels like he's not good enough to do it well, you know? Like he feels inadequate so why bother working SO hard? I don't know.
Here's the thing though...
You're a strong momma bear whether you realize it completely or not. You are. Momma bears do whatever it takes to give their children the best they can. If that means you getting a job and having to leave the youngest at 6 weeks, then that's what you'll do. YES, it's not the life you planned on. YES, it's unfair and painful for sure!
THIS is what you're working on. Getting to a point where you can be that momma bear with everything you are despite H (not to spite but despite). You CAN do it as ridiculous as it is that you are now in a position to have to.
You have this strength inside of you. You do. I can see it.
One of the things I've struggled so much with is that the WAS can just leave without having to face up to everything they are leaving behind. They leave the LBS to pick up the pieces and the injustice in that is brutal. Unfortunately, it's also reality right now.
Hang in there. We're here cheering you on.
None of this is fun. All of it is hard and a lot of work. All of it is also worth it, I'm finding.
Ss06, thank you. I think I might like you. Haha.
I appreciate what you're saying, and I know you're right. I hope he'll agree to watch the kids...I know job & family services will cover childcare for me but I'm not an advocate of big government and I'm certainly not one to seek handouts, but it would significantly lessen the blow to the kids if he would watch them instead of my having to send them off to a stranger.
Thank you so much for your input, it's been very valuable to me!
EDITED TO SAY: I hope he'll parent the kids while I work...not watch them. ;-)
Hey, have you considered a job that doesn't require you to leave the house? I mean, I can think of a few off the top of my head.. but what about starting some sort of online business or blog. If you are tech-savvy, they can bring in the bucks!
Vossy, I have considered that but I'm not sure what the options are. I've looked into it a bit and everything that sounds doable that I've found so far, calls for a quiet, distraction free environment which I won't have.
jp, are you good at editing?
I edited masters and PhD thesis for grammatical, typographical and formatting errors (a few for technical language). I charged $20/hr and did it at home on my couch. I requested a hard copy of the document and edited it according to the school's formatting standards. I charged extra if they wanted me to do the edits for them in the document after they'd reviewed them and approved them on the hard copy. I guaranteed my turn around time and I was FAST. This brought me lots of papers.
Just an idea.
Also.. resume/CV writing, typing, transcription, data entry, blogging.
I know one SAH mom who posts things on Facebook via Stella & Dot. As I understand it, it's like an online trunk show and she gets a commission if her friends buy from her.
Thanks everyone!
I'm back for more advice, if you don't mind.
Before I found this website and DR, I paid $400 for 4 marriage coaching sessions with Dr. Jack Ito. Long story short, he advised me to be agreeable, to work to allow H to believe I'm on his side so that he can become comfortable around me, and he told me that bc I pushed so hard when he left that it could take months to see results. H seems to not be responding at all to what I'm doing, which I think is understandable because it's only been 2 months since he left me. He is still breaking promises and being cold.
Recently a mutual friend of ours told H that he needs to sit down and have a discussion with me in person like an adult and H told him that he won't talk to me face to face because I'm the most manipulative person he's met. Either he is believing lies that he's being told or he has no clue what it means to be manipulative. I've even researched it a bit to be sure that I'm not manipulative because I don't want to be...and if anyone is, based on my research, it's him. But that little tidbit is beside the point. I ALWAYS let him make whatever decisions he wanted and do basically whatever he wanted without making any effort to sway him.
I've been given advice from approximately 5 different people, two of whom are pastors, that I am being too nice and too easy to get along with. They've told me that I need to start standing up and putting my foot down about some things. The friend to whom H said that I'm manipulative thinks that the reason he thinks that is because he knows that I AM a confrontational person, yet I never confronted him...so I must have been trying to "pull the strings from behind the curtain." I think that idea might make sense.
The whole point that people, like my mom & others, are making is that the advice Dr. Ito gave me is basically what I've always done and it obviously didn't work and didn't make H happy, since he left...so why would it make any difference now? So I'm puzzled. Do I ditch the $400 advice that I was given? Or do I continue for a while and expect that it will take a while to work? Should one of my 180's be going from easy to get along with to setting definite boundaries for myself and my children?
What do you think?
I think you should always have some type of boundary for yourself and your children. I can't speak to your sitch or what your boundaries should be. I will give you two pieces of advice, though.
1. Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see. It's good that you are taking a hard look at yourself when you get any feedback from WAH, but if he's saying you're manipulative and you feel like you aren't at all, then that seems like a classic "do not believe that" moment from a WAS. Don't believe it. My WAW's thing I refused to believe is that she said she never loved me, ever (10 years). I know that is a complete lie, even if she believes it right now.
2. Save a copy of your most recent post to your phone or computer. It will possibly be deleted at any time due to the work on this board.
jpLove, I personally would follow Ito's advice, as it sounds like it's in line with DB principles. If you draw hard lines in the sand now, he's likely to stay away. Don't worry about what he thinks about you -- you have other, larger concerns at the moment. Take care of yourself, focus on yourself. Don't waste your energy on him. Smile, be friendly, take care of business, research what you might need to do to protect yourself (to give yourself a sense of safety). Give it time. It's been only a few months. Really practice those LRT, and GAL as much as you can. Embrace the gift of time. You don't have to solve anything right now. Let go of the urgency for clarity for the time being. You will know when you've had enough.
Sending positive thoughts your way.
"jpLove, I personally would follow Ito's advice, as it sounds like it's in line with DB principles. "
They aren't.
DB teaches you to validate your spouse's right to their thoughts. This isn't the same as flat out agreeing that their perspective as being correct.
MrBond, I suppose I wasn't specific enough. Dr Ito teaches that you can be agreeable without always agreeing. Ex: "having kids is horrible" "yeah, sometimes they can really be a handful" - I didn't agree that kids are horrible, but found something about the statement that I can agree with, and stated it. He says that this gives the impression that I'm not the competition, that we're on the same team.
"MrBond, I suppose I wasn't specific enough. Dr Ito teaches that you can be agreeable without always agreeing. "
Still not the same.
Validation shows a true understanding of their POV by you that you believe in.
Hi jpLove,
For what it's worth I worked with Jack too. I feel like while much of what Jack and I worked on was helpful and fits with the larger DB framework, DB seems like a more comprehensive approach, and I've seen bigger changes since I started focusing more on myself, my GAL, and my PMA. That was something he recommended too, but it seemed almost a secondary focus, (maybe that's how I took it, because at the time that's what I wanted) where here on the boards and in the books there is a much bigger focus on yourself.
Sorry you find yourself here and sending warm thoughts your way.
Thanks everyone! I think I may see the smallest glimmer of hope. While he's still behaving the same overall...on Sunday when he dropped the kids off, I told him that I have an interview this week. He asked me where & then talked to me for a minute about the restaurant I'm interviewing at! That may seem tiny, but that is literally the first question that he has asked about me since this whole fiasco began...so I think it's huge! Then today as we were discussing finances, he made sure that I still had money to last me until payday...is that a bit of concern for my wellbeing I see peeking through the clouds?! I think it just might be...so here's to itty bitty tiny baby steps!!!
Hey everyone! I've been gone for a while, but I'm back...hoping to hear some opinions. We're comig up on 5 months since my hubby walked out. I've done a very good job of getting a life and not focusing on him...and that's good for me bc he's showing no change at all. I've been told to not believe anything he says and only half of what he does...we have a very close mutual friend who thinks that my hubby has made a huge mistake that he will eventually regret and he keeps telling me things because he doesn't think I should maintain false hopes about hubby coming back. I've been told that he is snorting a variety of prescription drugs, not sleeping at night, getting really high speeding tickets, and as of lately, sleeping around for the sake of sleeping around. Like, getting his hook in a woman, sleeping with Her, and then dropping her bc she gets "too clingy." As far as I know, so far there are only two. But every time he goes to this mutual friend's house, he's talking about another woman. I'm disappointed, but not surprised at this point. Our friend (who is a man) thinks that his sleeping around means he's legitimately moving on. To me, what he's doing shows instability and unhappiness. It looks to me more like he's TRYING to move on, but not succeeding...if he was actually moving on, he wouldn't be looking in every nook and cranny for fulfillment, right?
Anyway, just curious about your interpretation of all of this. It seems to me, also, like if he was legitimately moving on, he wouldn't be keeping his actions in the dark...but who knows. What do you think?
I don't think it matters. While he's still doing these risky behaviors, he needs no place in your life.
Focus on you -- not your H, what he's doing, or why. Make your life what you want.
Agreed^^^^^^^^^^
Have you gotten any legal advice? In addition to everything else - he is spending a lot of money on these dangerous activities.
I think it does matter bc he's the father of my children who need him... I've currently been trying to convince myself to remain invested emotionally in his coming back because my children deserve an intact family and they deserve for him to get out of his childish behavior.
He actually isn't spending a lot of money on his careless activities, aside from getting the speeding ticket. His roommate is a vet with PTSD and yay! The government is giving him very excessive
Prescriptions for free...so the drugs are free, the sex is free, the speeding ticket cost like $150, I think. I'm pregnant, so I can't divorce him...and i'll have to be convinced to file for divorce once I have this baby...because I meant it when I promised to stand by his side in good times & bad...
Seeking out legal advice does not mean you need to file for divorce. It will give you some peace of mind (about the type of child support you could reasonably expect) and possibly some protection.
For example, if he kills someone while he is excessively speeding while on prescription drugs - your family assets are on the line.
Protecting yourself and your children does not mean you aren't standing with him.
I think it does matter bc he's the father of my children who need him... I've currently been trying to convince myself to remain invested emotionally in his coming back because my children deserve an intact family and they deserve for him to get out of his childish behavior.
They absolutely DO deserve those things, you're right. But you can't change what he's doing, or stop what he's doing or make him want to be involved. Wondering why he's doing this stuff, or what it means that he's doing it
doesn't change your control over the situation.
Focusing on those things is mind reading and it's a cheese-less tunnel - you're guessing about the motivation, and have no way of knowing if you're right or not, so it's pointless to even think about.
I'd be dollars to donuts HE'S not even sure of what he's doing or why. He's in alien mode.
There are better things to focus on to keep yourself and your kids healthy and happy through this trial, and they're going to need you more than ever right now.
Legal advice - pronto. The moment my H started acting really, really nasty but before he moved out, I saw an attorney. Not because I want to be divorced, but because I wanted to know my rights and wanted to know how to handle any situations that occur. I also didn't want to be blindsided, should my H file for seperation/divorce. I'm glad that I did - as my H suggested that I move out of our home because he needed time and space. No way buddy. And that was one of the first things the lawyer covered. These are things you need to know, just so you can make informed decisions, should the time arise.
I applaud your dedication and your tenacity. But you can't change what your H is doing right now. You can't make him want to stop the behavior.
What you CAN do is take care of yourself and protect your children. I echo what Little said -- they are going to need you more than ever right now.