Original posts here....
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2469202&page=1 WAW had her therapy tonight. Came home and sat on the couch next to S3.5. Very close to me. I acted no different, but there were several times that we touched...which she usually avoids. Looked like she had been crying. Please go read my last few days of posts on the link above and let me know what you think.
Tonight, as she was going to put S3.5 to bed I was getting socks and shoes on. She asked where I was going. I said basement to exercise. Closest thing to GAL I can do during the week is that or go shopping. She asks lots of questions these days. Before, she seemed to not care.
So this morning she asked me again about the settlement and what I've written up from our discussion. I told her I was busy yesterday but got most of it done she said she felt like I was stalling. I asked her a question about the money. For such a quiet kind person she got angry very fast. I took a deep breath and reminded her that I just wanted to see the numbers that her and the attorney came up with. She was very angry. I take another deep breath and said I'm sorry that you're angry I'm just trying to protect myself I'm just trying to make sure that this is right before I sign it.
I've been told her that I'm not having very much luck finding homes and she said that's not your only option. By now she's angry of course so she's being very short. I explained to her that I didn't want to get a place have my kids get comfortable there and have their own rooms to only uproot them once again when I find a home to buy.
I'm trying to remain calm and be nice but it seems like it's her way or no way at all. I don't want to threaten having to get an attorney to go through paperwork to figure out if this number is correct I can do it myself but I'm going to have to dig as she takes care of the bills. Tonight I will go to her again and ask for these numbers if she does not give me them I guess I'm going to have to find out for myself which again will take a few days and will stall the signature process intern it will make her feel like I'm stalling and she will get mad. Not sure how that is divorced busting it seems like it would make her want to get rid of me quicker. Thoughts?
I feel for you going through the thing at the moment.
Hang in there!!
Sorry, was a bit distracted when writing the ^^^ post.
I feel for you, I am going through the same thing at the moment.
Hang in there!!
Very sad as I drive home from work this afternoon. I just want to hear her voice so I called and asked her about pulling something out of the freezer for dinner so I could cook. I know she appreciates when I cook she likes what I make I just feel really bad right now. I know I need to be detached which I'm doing very well at. I just feel lost. I don't want to give up hope just because I sign a settlement and have 60 days to find a place to live. I'm hoping some time apart will help her. I know there are no guarantees here. I just don't know what to do in the interim. Should I sign this as soon as she presented to me if it looks good? I feel that if I stall she will get angry and pull away even more. Based on her actions she seems more comfortable around me now that we can move forward. I guess she feels my intentions are not to reconcile. Unfortunately she goes out of town next week for work so we won't see our counselor until the following week. Have looked all over this for him today for anything or advice that might help me in this current slump.
kept the conversation light. talked to her about my day. she listened. i did not ask about hers. oops. however, i failed to mention that last night when she sat down with us she told me about how tough the rest of her week will be. i listened and told her I know she will do well, but sorry she is stressed.
i took care of S3.5 and cleaned the kitchen. I watched some shows with him, and then he wanted mom. As soon as I thought she was coming out of his room, I found several things to go do outside and in the garage. I needed to call an atty friend and ask question about $ today. I know she is honest and such. I just need legal advice.
finishing the laundry she started and doing more reading. I guess I am doing the right thing. read that the one who cares less makes the other notice. maybe I can focus on that after the agreement is signed. I know she wants to help me, "as a friend", but she cannot have it both ways right now. Anyone been through this while DBing?
She has been in a much better mood the past few days. I remain cautious and patient. She wears her wedding ring some days some days she does not. I say nothing. I've looked at several houses in our city and having trouble locating one you know what they say if you don't need to buy house it's easier to find one.
I make sure every night when they go to bed that I have places to go things to do. I use my lunch time at work to go buy new clothes. The weekends we don't have my older son with us I stay gone doing different things.
I ask her nothing and she asks me almost everything. My problem is with the GAL and 180s is that when I get home and she wants to chat she asked me where I went if I bought anything and so on. Inside I get so excited that she's interested that I have verbal diarrhea and I say too much. She is being nicer because we're moving forward with things I'm sure and she feels a sense of relief and sees the end.
So I'm asking the vets here at what point does she possibly get sad at me not being around. She wants to be best friends. We have a small child together we get along great other than this divorce thing and the other issue that we had that we talked about in therapy. Which is not a reason to divorce but I understand she's made up her mind and she's a W a W.
The way our child schedule is set up after I move is that I have him on the weekend and then on Tuesday through Thursday. This alternates between both of us. The only time I will actually pick him up from her or take him to her will be Sunday evening the rest of the time I drop him at day care and pick him up at day care.
I'm trying not to think negative and make negative things happen. However the reality is this is happening and I feel like I'm putting my head in the sand by being positive and thinking that she will eventually snap out of it. I am in this marathon I've been through the ups and the downs I'm not taking medication but have dealt with the feelings as they come. I'm an open book for any comments /suggestions.
I have carried the weight of this marriage on my shoulders now since February. It's kind of a relief but at the same time I know that after I move I will have to go dark. I'm not ready to be demoted from husband to friend. Although she says she feels we will be very best friends for a long time, I love her too much to just be her friend right now.
last night was working late. Project at work started this week and is all on me. keeps me focused on work. Got home and she was watching tv with S3.5 prior to bed time. She was quiet. I never asked her what was wrong. I focused on upbeat me and child. Later made a funny face when lifting S3.5 and I commented on him being heavy. She said, well, I am not feeling great. I told her that I was sorry she did not feel good, and then focused on child. Promises of a fun weekend and such to him.
Earlier that morning I had mentioned to her something I was wanting to take the kids to do. She said I may want to call first to see if the place was open. I said I would and then mentioned... you are welcome to come too if you want.
She later revealed her stomach was hurting. I walked into the bedroom and she mentioned going to sign Friday. I told her I would sign Monday. Grabbed my shoe and left the house for an hour. I never told her anything and she never asked.
*I was checking out some potential homes FS and looking at neighborhoods at night to see how they were.
I have journaled a lot the past few weeks here. I need some specific things to work on. After I sign, I am in the house for a while before I have to be out. Do I try to go dark then, or wait until I am out ?
Anything I can do to be "seen" in the WAW eyes other than GAL and treat ER as a friend/parent?
NewB3 Have you read the DB/DL books?
I have been in limbo for a bit, some good days .. some bad ... I know I have not detached enough as she still has a huge impact on my moods and feelings .. last two days were tough, today I seem to be doing well ... and nothing has changed ... so I can not explain it other than we all here are on a rollercoaster we didnt ask to be on
So ... reading your sitch ... looks like you have focused on PMA .. thats good. But I have not seen any 180's ... you will have to go dark .... and its tough with the kids involved ... my WAW will use that as a way to bring me out of the shadows, a curve that DB does not really adress, like so many things we all have to figure out what works and get rid of what doesnt.
Hang in there, I would suggest get some 180's set some goals for you ... GAL, detach detach detach seems to be the battel cry and I now understand why its said 3 times!
I have DB and DR. I re-read them tons. DB page 185 is a good start. 180's I have been doing. Mentioned them in my other thread.
Would like to take a poll here.
Should things stay headed in the current direction and I move out according to the settlement, should I give WAW my DR book?
Can anyone recommend this book?
Gary Smalley "winning your wife back before its to late"
My WAW signed the settlement last week, I go Monday to sign. Help me please. Advice?
So here are a few of the latest weird things from WAW:
-never let her nails grow out. I have mentioned that they always look nice when longer.....that was months ago. Now she is letting them get long.
-has been careful about nudity in front of me in the past few months. Now has no issue changing or showering in front of me. She frequently comes in when I am getting out of the shower to talk or ask a question.
-assumed b/c I said i was taking sons out that she was not invited. I did not invite, but told her to speak up if she wants to come along.
-noticed I cleaned up the family room/kitchen/fixed a few things she has asked about this week. Says thank you a lot.
She did sign last week...and you know I go tomorrow. Is this her just being friendly now that she is getting what she wants? I feel like I have almost completely dropped the rope here.
Very nervous about tomorrow not showing her anything but happiness. Joked around with her a little bit Saturday she smiled a lot. I need some words of encouragement. I'll also take any advice.
Very nervous about tomorrow not showing her anything but happiness. Joked around with her a little bit Saturday she smiled a lot. I need some words of encouragement. I'll also take any advice.
Bought the Gary smalley book. Half way through it. Signed settlement Monday and went to meet new realtor after.
Wife called as soon as I met realtor. Told her I was going to look at houses and would be back later. She said "oh, you have a realtor?" I said yes, so I'll talk to you later....."well, what is the realtors name?" I replied and ended conversation.
Got home later that evening and cooked dinner. Sat down as a family. She said she would help me with any financial information or picking out things, just need to ask. Hmmm, weird?
Tuesday am."There was a big stressor with the paperwork and something I failed to do.....I told WAW that the settlement did not state that. We began to argue on the phone while I was driving to work. She kept saying "I can see how it appears that way, I can understand you're upset...." She promised it was an oversize and that we did not know how to go about this....her attorney overlooked it and would fix. I was pissed and she knew it. We ended conversation. Later that morning I called and got her voicemail. Asked her to call if/when she had time as I know she is very busy.(was giving her an out) she called within the hour.
I apologized for being harsh. I asked her to forgive me for everything as I am just stressed, emotional, and devastated. I am trying to keep everything moving. I told her I appreciate her. Told her I just needed a friend and if she does want this to end up as friends, then we must work on that starting now. Mentioned our C and upcoming appointment.
I purchase a chocolate bar at the grocery the other night. She had a business trip today and left early AM. I had the bar in the kitchen and wrote on it to have a safe trip and be careful. I heard her about this AM from our bed and woke. I called her name tom see if she was gone. She appeared from the bathroom half nude. I laid back down, ignoring what I saw. She then said thank you for the chocolate, I am not going to take it, as I have a snack packed.....I'll just put it away for my return home. Wow....anything in the last few months would have been a simple thanks. Not sure why I get explanations, nudity, and all. As she left, she touched my leg and called my name.....just to say goodbye.
She wore her weeding ring to her therapist Monday, but not worn it since. I still have mine on.
Any advice? This is all new and weird. Being cautious and staying on 180's, still being the handyman as requested ( joking about not charging her for my time) making a few jokes here and there, getting laughs or witted replies and smiles.
Well, since the forum maintenance wiped out my last reply to you, I'm glad to see you made it through the settlement signing without too many bruises. As for what's happening now, that's a tough one. Perhaps she's noticing the changes you've made. Perhaps the full weight of her decision is starting to become real to her and a part of her is having second thoughts. Perhaps it's a sense of relief now that it's where it's at and she doesn't feel the pressure she was feeling before. Who's to say, but I think that that would just be mind reading to try to guess her motivations. Take what happens at face value, appreciate what you do get from her, and continue being the best you that you can be. If there is any doubt in her mind, let your best foot forward be the light that attracts her to you. Tough road ahead for sure, but we're here for you!
Well, since the forum maintenance wiped out my last reply to you, I'm glad to see you made it through the settlement signing without too many bruises. As for what's happening now, that's a tough one. Perhaps she's noticing the changes you've made. Perhaps the full weight of her decision is starting to become real to her and a part of her is having second thoughts. Perhaps it's a sense of relief now that it's where it's at and she doesn't feel the pressure she was feeling before. Who's to say, but I think that that would just be mind reading to try to guess her motivations. Take what happens at face value, appreciate what you do get from her, and continue being the best you that you can be. If there is any doubt in her mind, let your best foot forward be the light that attracts her to you. Tough road ahead for sure, but we're here for you!
Thank you for your reply. Yes, I guess that is all I can do at this point....keep working on me. She can have her second thoughts. I am moving forward and it is her choice if she wants me in her life. She knows my choice has not changed, but I never mention it anymore. I am honest with my feelings and did tell her the other day of my anguish, but never asked her about R or said anything about us. It is great to finally be back on the board and getting some advice from those hat have walked this path.
Newbe 3 yes it is an excellent book. it has a Christian spin on it . but a great book. I am in similar sitch.
igit
Wife should be home from her business trip today. Feeling kind of down about seeing her. While she was gone it was kind of nice to miss her but now that she's back I know it's not going to be too long before I am on my own.
As I was reflecting today on everything that has happened since the start of this I see how far I have come although I didn't realize it until this past few weeks. Trying to step outside of my head and the situation. Trying to not focus too much on the future although I have lots to do.
I would really like some advice from the vets here on what I need to be doing now give me some focus please.
I told her tonight that I am off early tomorrow, so may stop in. Going to do some court paperwork. She mentions we have therapy next week and it is good we have gotten all the logistic stuff off the table. WTF? So I guess she will be all about therapy now? I then mentioned after I am going with realtor ( good looking female) to look at 5 more homes. WAW then asks if any are a second look visit. I blew that off and gave no answer.
Truth is, I am still enamored by WAW. She is kind, thoughtful, and sweet. Beautiful to me. And I cannot tell her. Our relationship is getting back to chatty and friendly. I am confused, sad, and hopeful, all at the same time. I feel like I am going nuts.
I need some meds.....jeez
I was VERY quiet tonight. I cooked dinner and she talked a lot. I listened. At first she would talk and not look at me. I finally stopped and gave her full eye contact and she then returned it. I see a lot of different actions lately that have us in close physical proximity. Could this be a reaction to my lack of pursuit over the past 4 months?
After dinner, I quietly started cleaning up. She stopped me and said she would take care of it. She also took car of S3.5 the rest of tonight. I am GAL at the moment, since they go to bed early. Off for me time.
NewB3 - I'm not a vet, can only offer my support for your situation. The WAW is getting the house and you are getting out. Yet she wants to parade around semi-dressed? That's not cool. My spouse and I have had one intimate night since she dropped the bomb and I honestly believe that she was either saying goodbye or maybe "later." It certainly didn't lead to reconciliation.
From the outside looking in, it seems that her brain has temporarily become a "bag full of cats" to quote Bruce Banner's estimation of Loki. I know that my DR coach encourages me to welcome an emotional connection, as that has been cited as one of the reasons my W is leaving. But what your W is doing seems a tease.
Set some boundaries and keep GAL'g. Or ask her what her behaviors mean - experiment; what's the worst that can happen? She kicks you out anyway? She knows you still love her...but specifically reread how to DB/DR without becoming a doormat.
As to your question about handing her DR on the way out...I say, why not? You are leaving. If her recent responses to you are born of confusion and not manipulation, then the book couldn't hurt.
Thanks for your input on the book I think I should leave it for her also it might explain some of the emotions she's gone through.
As far as teasing me by walking around with no clothes on I'm not sure I think she's teasing me. As I've said in previous post some time she makes it a point several days in a road to walk in when I'm getting out of the shower to talk to me. I'm not an unattractive guy and I know she is attracted to me she always has been. But in this situation it's just confusing. I realize we live together but the past few months there has been nothing physical barely any touch yet in the past few weeks she's made it a point to touch me, Walk around naked, and walk in when she knows I'm naked. She has also started picking up S3 .5 to hand him to me. She does this when he's going to bed and I'm going to take him to his room the odd thing is there's no way I can get this wiggly little guy from her without rubbing up against her with my arm and my side as he struggles. So the question for the vets here is what could possibly be going on with her she's made it very clear to me that she's happy we've moved forward and feels that therapy will be better now.
I am so confused.
So confused and when I got home she was interested in the house as I have looked at. It felt awkward and I told her that and she said I didn't have to talk to her about it.
I then felt bad for excluding her as I know she likes homes. So I showed her a few. It made me feel really strange and I told her that and she said I don't have to show her anything she sorry she doesn't need to stress me out I was literally sweating. I then asked her if she was interested in the house or actually cared where I was going to live. Looking back I know I was just trying to get some feeling out of her because there seems to be nine this feels like a business transaction and now that all the paperwork is done as I've said before the "logistics" we can get down to the therapy session and being friends. I then proceeded to have some sort of a panic attack and started noticing things and saying things about the house. I didn't call myself down and had to go back and apologize and explain that I was under a tremendous amount of stress and that I was physically sweating sitting there showing her houses. She then said I understand. Which again made me think of a therapist and not a wife were caring person and I got irritated. I took a deep breath and looked at her and said I just want you to know I still love you. This is just awkward and stressful for me with everything I've got to do. She said aww, thanks for saying that. I've been told her that that was pretty crummy thing for you to say, just so in personal. Then replied with well what did you expect me to say the same thing back to you and I told her now I don't expect that I'm sorry forgive me it's stress I didn't shut my mouth and left.
I'm having confusing feelings about houses and her wanting to be friends and want to look at these things and give me her opinion and all of that because I know she's really trying I know she feels guilty or at least that's what my therapist said she's feeling guilty. Guilt is the reason she is being very talkative she's trying to be a little touchy and possibly the nudity think could be because she feels guilty for pulling away from me.
I don't even know anymore I'm tired of this I just kind of want to give up and go get a motel room and live there. I feel like I backslid 1,000,000 miles today by telling her that. I've been consistent with my one 80s and not saying I love you since the beginning of June. I just feel like crap. I really want the vets to weigh in here and shake me up and give me some pointers and point me in a direction that I can go. I am lost I need a guide.
NewB3: I have little to offer except this: breathe. I feel your pain loud and clear through run-on sentences that are completely out of character with your previous writing. (That was supposed to be a little funny.) If you have a helpful confidant, now is the time to give him a call.
I also offer you this, it has helped Nitty and Hopetex (my sincerest apologies if this offends - it's all I got!)
2 Timothy 1:7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
And if that isn't enough, here are the verses that keep me sane these days:
http://gaurang.org/pub/thought-conditioners-norman-vincent-peale.pdf
okay...okay.....over my thing yesterday. I am calm and in control again.
I feel good about things...anyway. Yesterday, I said some other things to her. She can want to look at my homes, but as I told her...I picked our home with her and LOVE it. I do not want to leave, but must . It just feels weird having her look at my home with me and give an opinion. It bothers my head on so many levels. She apologized. I walked up to her last night and put my arms around her. I told her about being beyond stressed out and get panicked. She actually hugged me back for once, like old times. I quickly moved on through the house.
Today was a family shopping thing. S3.5 did not want me to go and kept attaching to her. I asked her to stop the car and said I would stay home. she seemed quite shocked as I exited the car. I told her I did not want to go anymore.
When they returned she was chatty and sat down talking about all kinds of things. I quietly listened. She told me she wanted to go out shopping and asked if it was okay. I told her sure, I can watch s3.5. She left and i took care of him. HOWEVER, before she left....she came over to hug him while I was holding him.....leaned in my way and hugged us both....like she used to.
Is this guilt causing this?
she returned and bought a piece of art for the counter. she had to call me over to her and pointed to the bag. she presented it like I was supposedto be overjoyed that she is buying new stuff for what is now her home. I told her it was nice and moved on. Going to GAL.
PS wanted to thank starsky309 for bumping up some old posts today. HELPFUL stuff. I aappreciate everyone here. This place keeps me focused.
NewB3 - glad to hear that you are getting back on track. Someone here gave me a great link on detachment that you might want to check out. It'll give you a road map to help determine the difference between healthy and unhealthy interactions.
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/No mindreading, my man. She simultaneously is showing off how she is going to make the home hers while seeking your approval. WAW madness. GAL, just like you said.
Or, you know, tell her you hate the art. ;-)
Great article on detaching. Thank you!
feeling angry today. angry that I have been doing everything WAW wants as far as this D. Agreeing to it! settlement when i want R! Now wishing I was in my own home doing what I want. Ready to move forward. WISHING I could go dark now. Tired of the efforts to hold this marriage together on my own. Guess I am just feeling resentful for doing all of the DB and making such changes for me and not feeling noticed or important. Wondering IF and when WAW could possibly get out of her fog.
We had some friends of mine visit this weekend. Out of town guests with kids. I handled all cooking and cleaning. waiting on everyone hand and foot. WAW was chatty with everyone and seemed to enjoy herself. Lots of parenting talk and home decor, etc. After dinner, everyone worked their way to bed. I was left with friend and wife. Friends wife pulled me aside and said everything appeared fine. She cannot believe why my WAW wants out. I was told how great I looked, asked about my exercise and diet things. Genuinely impressed. Then she ask why my WAW would want to leave such a good husband. She could see all I had been doing. SHE NOTICED my 180's. My friend, after his wife went to bed mentioned he was driving in town and told his wife that he was wanting to talk to my WAW and tell her what a good father, great husband I was. That he had never seen a man love a woman as much as I have told him over the past few years. He feels sorry that she would leave behind a great husband and do this to the kids.
I was shocked. I asked him not to do that as she might get upset at him. I told him IF he wanted to let her know those things, it might be better received in an email or on the phone once he returns home. All I ask as that he be kind, which I knew he would. Thoughts? help
I get the same question everyday on the weekend. "Do you have plans today?" My answer is usually no, because I come up with things on a whim. So, it hit me last night. Although I make plans during the week to GAL, it is when they are in bed or after dinner, and yes even after work leaving her with everything to do. I thnk I need to GAL on the weekend more. I usually do something the past few months, but it is with the S3.5 and/orS10. I think leaving her with them might be better. One of her complaints back after BD was she never had time to go do things she wanted on the weekend, or time to just be home and read or have any kind of life. I went into 180 mode on that, however, the last few months I let her come and go. She always asks if it is okay if she goes. I find the asking weird. She is also whishy washy about going. "Can I go now or do you want me to wait until...?"
Again, as of late, I make no plans. I am just worn down. Although I do come up with things at the drop of a hat and just go.
Am I messing something up? Does anyone know why she is asking and doing these things?
She always asks if it is okay if she goes. I find the asking weird. She is also whishy washy about going. "Can I go now or do you want me to wait until...?"
I am sorry to say that this is almost always a sign that there is OM in the picture. She is feeling guilty and that is why she asks if it is "okay" if she goes. She has also gone on a couple of "business trips" in the past couple of weeks. This is another sign of potential OM... Business trips....
The other signs are that no matter what you do she isn't willing to work on the relationship and you say she is wearing and then not wearing her wedding rings. If there wasn't someone else, she would have no reason to at least try to work on the relationship.
I have found that people in your position usually want to deny there is OM. I would bet that there is one. It is usually the case when they act like your wife is acting.
So doing one 80s I've been doing laundry and if my laundry load is small enough I grab hers or do S3 .5 laundry. I have been extra careful with her delicate clothes to make sure that they are drip dry and not thrown in the dryer I am prompt to remove them from the dryer as they don't wrinkle. I see her get very stressed with S3 .5. As part of detaching I do not interfere unless she asks me to or calls my name for help. She needs to see what it's going to be like with me not around. This morning he was being very rude to her and she was grabbing some of her laundry I had done. Taking out her frustrations on a shirt and trying to straighten the wrinkles out of it as it was drip dried. She tells me I no longer need to do her laundry. As sometimes if it's left in the dryer she has to rewash them or if they're left in the washer and they smell like mildew she has to rewash them. Funny thing is I think they've been left in the washer one time and I rewash them and I've been left in the dryer one time and I took care of it she has never had to lift a finger with those things in the past six months. If she has had to do that it was something of her own doing. So she asked that I not do her laundry anymore that she can take care of it after her complaint I said I don't think I've ever read your laundry if anything I've been extra careful to make sure I hang things that need to be drip dried or could be drip dried. I didn't said that is fine I will not do your laundry anymore. As I walked out of the room I said I simply grab your laundry if my load of laundry was too small to try and help out however I'm done with that I will not do it anymore. I then asked S3 .5 if he wanted to go with me and run some errands. He said no and she immediately said where are you going I told her I had some errands to run and then she followed with what when will you be back. I asked her when she needed me back and she said she was just asking for a time because she wanted to go to a store. I then asked S3 .5 one more time if you wanted to go with me he said no. She then asked him if he wanted to go with her and he said yes. So what she ended up with was having him go with her and she said it was no problem he said he didn't want to go with me and I was going out the door anyway. On the way out the door she was talking about something I assume she was talking to him however if she was talking to me I'm sure I'll catch attitude when I get home. She has created this distance and I am doing nothing but 180s and gal. Should she need to be upset I'm sure she's just as upset with herself as she has created the situation. Again I would appreciate any input on this thread or any comments it would be nice to see a vet again however thanks to everyone who comments.
You will have to excuse my grammar and or run on sentences as I speak most of these into the iPhone.
I also wanted to mention something that I did and said yesterday as part of my one 80s. While she was out I cleaned the kitchen from the guests we had had I washed all the sheets on the bed and put them away and cleaned every cabinet and handle in the kitchen as they started to look a little dirty. She walked in as she did the day before and said I smell vinegar with a smile in her voice.
She walked in and I told her that I had cleaned the kitchen cabinets. I would normally not point out what I do in order to 180 to get her attention however I let her know that I clean them because they hadn't been cleaned like that in a while and wanted to make it easier on her when she got ready to sell the home so she didn't have so much deep cleaning to do only surface stuff. I've tried to do some things to take care of the home while I'm still there that will benefit her later on. I know she sees it but I wanted to tell her I did that just so I could say when you get ready to sell the home. She said thank you and I told her there's no reason to thank me.
Am I blind because I'm in the situation or can anyone see anything in what I've written that makes any sense?
I know you are trying, but what is up with all this housework?
Doing her laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping and on and on and on... She wants pizza and you go out and buy things to MAKE pizza? What's up with that? Maybe she just wanted to order pizza. Why didn't you just say to her.. "good idea, I'll order, what do you want on it?".... Way too much bowing at her feet. Cleaning the cupboards to make it easier on her? What has caused you to think this way? Women don't respect a man when he is doing things just to win her and that is exactly how it is coming across. I doubt she really wants you to be Mr. Mom here. (hence the comment about doing her own laundry) I think you need to temper this down a bit...
It seems to me that you are coming across as doing all of this to please HER. It sounds like you have some role reversal going on here. You are doing mostly things that are usually feminine traits. What about the masculine type traits?
What masculine things are you doing?
I believe you are going way overboard on the housework. It looks as if it is all for her to see what a great guy you are. I think you need to put some focus on some masculine type activities or hobbies for yourself.
You will have to excuse my grammar and or run on sentences as I speak most of these into the iPhone.
In which case NewB3, you should read the
Siri Dictation GuideWhat app do you dictate to? I was considering using my iPad to do the same.
What is her love language? I do masses of acts of service, it just comes naturally to me, when procrastination is held at bay. Keep busy, tidy up, fix stuff etc. None of it counts. She wants words of affirmation which I was useless at and she no longer wants to hear from me.
I find a lot of peace and knowledge
here
thanks NewB
I haven't found this before.
Me neither. It's now one of my saved topics.
Thanks NewB3
Feeling kind of down today. We have MC tonight and she asked yesterday if I still want to go. I told her I think it's helpful. I asked if she was still interested in going. She gave a canned answer of I think it's helpful, but may be going on our own is just as good. She had agreed to go to a few sessions before we sign the settlement this will be the third. The last session we were supposed to work on being friends since she wants to do that. We did not do her homework instead we made it through two weeks of just existing. I am not sure if she is interested in continuing therapy. I will bring it up tonight when we are there and let him talk to her about it as a neutral third-party and see if she still wants to be there. I think my W a W sees the finish line and still in the fog is only running towards that. I know that his mind reading but I have no advice here from any vets to help me see anything different at this point.
I had gotten real quiet last night and I noticed in doing that she got very nice and became very talkative and interested in my needs. I can see she feels guilty. And she can see that I'm hurting. I am actively moving forward with logistics of this because I have to find a home to live in. I know I'm supposed to be treating her like a friend/sister. But right now there's a lot of unspoken feelings. Trying to keep my head up and grasping for information. I think today I just need to let it be. Hey day that I don't work on us or me I just let things go where they might.
Feeling extremely down. Trying not to let my mood affect my interactions with WAW this afternoon. I'm not sure what to do from here after rereading DB and DR I just don't know. I go back and read the vets area from the link above that I previously mentioned and it gives me a little hope but my situation I'm not sure what to apply and how her wear anymore. I've worked too hard and too long on myself to just turn around and walk away.
So I get to our marriage counselor tonight and I'm sitting in the waiting room. WAW walks in. I was sitting with the sun in my face reading a magazine and she sat down to seats over. She was chatty and talk to me about some financial things with our divorce. I felt really strong when she asked that I come sit next to her in order to get out of the sunlight. Only be kicked in the teeth when she let me know that her attorney called today and said that our divorce was signed by the judge on Friday. Needless to say I was stunned and remained quiet. Once in therapy we discussed several things. She does want to continue to go seeing this therapist with me however she wants to go once a month because of our schedules and the fact that she already has a therapist. That being said I am now divorced. About 10 minutes into the session I tell him this and he looks at her to discuss with her the fact that she mentioned it to me right before we walked in. She began to tear up because she said she could understand how I was so hurt once again. She stopped wearing her wedding band last week after she went to her therapist so I knew what that meant. 10 minutes into our session when she's explaining it to our therapist that we have been divorced since Friday I secretly slipped my ring off and dropped it in my pocket. I have not taken my ring off other than maybe to take a shower or swim since we've been married. I didn't do it as a jab I did it out of respect for her. She looked over at me as he spoke back to me and look immediately at my hand and did a double take her face was that of surprise and shock.
I feel torn however I made an appointment with the therapist to keep the two every two weeks. So I will go every two weeks and every other appointment she will be there. He said he has never done post divorce marriage counseling however since he works through this with us he would certainly give it a try. This guys got 25 years experience under his belt I have no doubt that he will help us post divorce being "friends" as he did going through this process. The point is she really likes the guy and thinks he is very helpful. After our session ended I told her I was going to get a bite to eat and going to look at a house.
Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry. ((((hugs))))
That is very sad news NewB,
I will never understand why WAS do things they do. It is like they don't know what day it is or what is going on around them. Then when they do something that hurts the LBS all the sudden they get a burst of reality and "feel Bad".
We are working on Ourselves for Ourselves and if it is working to make us better people then that is all we can hope for.
Hang tough!!
I'm so sorry to hear that
Sorry to hear that she did that to you. I have to ask though, why are you even bother going to MC with her? Maybe you need C just for yourself and cut her out already. She's just doing it to make herself feel better.
Thanks everyone for the support....I was starting to feel this was just my journal page
Feeling optimistic and cautious about our future.
Mr. Bond,
First of all...welcome back to my thread. I am glad you are here to help me. As far as continuing....she said that. I gave her an open door to get out and did not ask her to stay. As a matter of fact, I told the MC that she asked me if I wanted to really come tonight. She said that she thinks he is great, but we can get counsel from our individual counselors. I mentioned that to MC and said that I wanted to come see him on my own. She then added, after asked what she thought about that...."I have my counselor every other week, and then MC every other week." He gave her an out too....she replied with..."maybe I could come every other session." He again gave her an out and she stuck to it. He then mentions comfort and touch...well, even empathy to her. Weirdly, she was receptive. She said prior to all of this, she was worried it might give the wrong signals.
It was all weird. I cried a little...she teared up. etc.
BTW Mr.Bond...
After our last conversation and reflection....I began surfing the threads and really studying the patterns of do's and dont's in this DB thing. Your signature finally struck a chord with me. Very ying/yang...."the dance"
Thanks for being
Welcome to the roller coaster ride everyone watch out for the fog ahead. Sheesh!
Reading info and stories vets have posted, I came across this.....
From dontgo, a WAW, on "laying guilt trips" on your WAW
*******************************************************
I was the WAS and because my H wasn't here to pressure me was the whole reason that I came to my senses. I was left to think about things on my own. If he had told me how wrong I was, I would have hated him for it. I know it is almost impossible to do but you have to let the other person think about things. My H was being so nice to me, that is the reason that I came to my senses. There is nothing you can do. The good news is is that the WAS IS having guilt. You can't not have it. You have to wait for the day that the guilt becomes greater than the emotional feelings from the OP. It will most likely happen if you can distance yourself. Once the person is getting everything they want, they will probably feel even guiltier. The other posters are right. You are the enemy right now. You are the one that "caused" her to look elsewhere. I know it's not "right" but that is the mentality. You just have to show her that you aren't the cause anymore. Just my two cents. I know it's not what you wanted to hear but you should know.
This is where I am with my WAW right this moment. Me being quiet, peaceful, and confident.....she is extra nice. While I am trying to be nicer. she almost cannot stand the silence and is talking to me about anything and everything.
Am I doing this right?
NewB3, I needed that. Thank you.
So my part from the post above, to clarify.
This is where I am with my WAW right this moment. Me being quiet, peaceful, and confident.....she is extra nice. While I am trying to be nicer. she almost cannot stand the silence and is talking to me about anything and everything.
Am I doing this right?
So I guess just treat her as a friend like we did when we first started dating? Give her her space because I am more listen more. I'm going to continue the 180s cooking, Cleaning, and helping with S3 .5 more.
Still looking for a home with my realtor I have a pretty good idea of what I want and worked out preapproval letter.
Right now you're doing things right, HOWEVER, distance yourself. She already filed and blind sided you. You can't show that you are "ok" with this. The bigger the shock to her, the quicker she'll realize her mistake.
Do the 180s and start going out and having a social life again. In fact, do a full 180 and start changing how you physically look. Maybe a new wardrobe or physical appearance to show the difference.
I am distancing as much as possible while in the same home/bed. We have S3.5 here. I keep quiet. She initiates conversation. She has said she wants to help me with anything, just ask. I told her in therapy, she would have to offer "help" at specific situations, I am not going to just ask.
I have lost 35 lbs. started working out in the basement. I wear new clothes as I get them. tighter fitting and flattering. My colognes...I only wore with her on special occasions. I now wear daily. Digital frame in the den has been up and running 2 months now. current pics and trips, wedding, fun times we have had scroll by from 10am to 730pm. She works from home, so I have the frame on an end table facing her office
Social life....hmm, I try. Mainly I just go "out" on my own. She inquires where/when stuff. When I return I get conversation about when/where I was. Then updates about what she did, although I do not ask. I play with S3.5 and try taking him away for several hours each weekend.
Going on a guy trip next week.4 days. She has already asked me if I am excited...digs for details, etc.
I am trying to touch her more and be friendly. Arm sqeezes as I pass, shoulder squeeze as I speak to her while son is sitting between us...grab her toe/foot and rub a second while chatting from end of bed at night. I the move on and go do my own thing. I do not call/text/email/give gifts.
I bought some cool flowers for the house last week, for me. I am thoughtful when going to the market. If I know she is out of something, I get it. (paying attention)
Anything else Mr. Bond?
I have noticed she is starting to spend more time with her parents. I have plans this afternoon and was going to watch S3 .5, however, he wanted to go with her so I cleaned the house and made everything spotless again. I also was asked to do some of her laundry since I had just a small load. Notice a week ago she asked me not to do her laundry anymore therefore I don't offer. The house is now spotless, ready for her and S 3.5 to come home. I will be gone most of the evening until after they're in bed I don't plan to call or mention anything once I leave at noon. Again this morning she asked about my plans for next week to see what her schedule would be like and then mentions a business trip to me. Her business trip is two weeks away and she asked if I would still be here or if she needed to get her parents to watch S3 .5. I told her I was 75% sure I would still be here depends on my real tour situation. I then asked her to start saving newspaper every day. She looked at me and she said for packing? I said yes I need to get some boxes next week and start packing thanks.
QUESTIONS! I get asked so very many questions about every detail of my outings. My S10 get the same. I have no plans for us today, since WAW asked.....I am being withdrawn and quiet. It appears to be killing her? She asked if I wanted to take the boys to the _____. I said "are you going with? " she said she was just trying to come up with some things we (boys) could do. I said, oh I figured we could go do that as a family at least a few more times.
I then walked away. She continued....she found a nice home on the web to show me. She so wants to help me. I DO want her help and friendship now that the D is final. Just feels weird and like letting her have her cake and eat it too.
Help
Kinds just down and angry. I went to garage and got some small, inexpensive stocking stuffers that were for this years Christmas. Waked in and set them on the counter telling WAW that these were for her stocking at Christmas, but she could go ahead and have them.
"Anything else Mr. Bond?"
Stop answering her questions. When she asks you something, just be vague or tell her that you're busy right now. No need to go into detail.
She also goes shopping, and like she used to....loves to show me what she bought. She actually sat down next to me on the couch yesterday and showed me some shoes. I gave full attention and she even out them on and modeled them. Chatty chatty chatty.
Most interactions (90%) are face to face, so telling her I am busy may be rude? I can touch her without her pulling away or waking off. Weird what is going on here. Keeping it light and being her friend. Joking around and making the type of jokes we used to enjoy.
Mind reading here.....she is trying to get and keep my attention because she feels guilty. Second thoughts as I quickly move forward, unlike the past few months? Maybe she misses what we had and since I am still here and in the bed.....
I still do fixes and upkeep on home. I continue keeping upbeat, clean home, and cook. I gives words of affirmation related to her being a mom. I rarely if ever....give compliments on her looks.
However, she never compliments me, but I do catch her looking at me a lot. I ignore and keep my head up. I look and smell nice daily. When vouching it with the boys, I make sure I keep present and keep electronics away.
I am dying inside. I am doing all I can at this point as far as the LRT. There are things she cannot reach in the kitchen or in the home so she calls my name and asks if I can get it for her. She asked me if I can fix things for her that she sees are not working. I nicely oblige. When she got home from therapy last night I told her that I had plans to go out with a friend. I was almost dressed. Before I left I finished getting dressed up a little bit of cologne nice hair nice pants and a nice shirt. First thing this morning she asked how was it last night. My answer to her was it was fun.
So now Mr. Bond, she is not only asking questions but also asking for my help with things. I know the chatting this is because of guilt but asking me to help her with things seems like she wants some closeness? I'm still although now divorced and living in the same house and still in the same bed being very patient, quiet, friendly, and all while still doing my one 80s.
I am reaching out again just to try and understand a little more. She does want to help me with anything however she wants me to ask as she doesn't want to be pushy. I have noticed that if I do ask for help on anything related to my real estate situation, she is almost chomping at the bit to help. I get questions like did you hear from the realtor yet. I also get questions like did you get an answer do you know a number.
I stop calling her on the way home months ago. So today on the way home from work although I had plans tonight I asked her to send me a scan of some paperwork. I figured she would wait a while. However, I got the paperwork within five minutes and her asking if the scan was good or should she do it again. I just said looks fine thank you. That was the last time we spoke this evening and by the time I get home she will be asleep.
I also know it's weighing heavy on her heart as well as mine that we will tell the children next weekend. Also a friend of mine that came to visit with family a few weeks ago at our home send her an email last week. He thanked her for allowing the family to stay with us and mentioned that he had talked about the situation we have since the beginning with me. He mentioned to her that this was not a last ditch effort to save our marriage but he wanted to reach out as a friend and tell her something. He told her that he's never known me to love anyone as much as I love her. He mentioned that if she ever had an inkling that she may have different feelings for me in the future that she reach out to me. He didn't expect a reply however a few hours later she reply. She replied to him that their family was welcome at her home any time. She also thanked him for reaching out. She asked that they stay in touch.
NewB3, you guys are officially divorced but the children don't know? Ugh, my heart just aches for that conversation. Telling our daughter was probably the hardest part of this whole thing thus far. She has handled it with grace and strength and has strangely been an inspiration to me on how to handle the weight of all this. She's very wise beyond her years.
I wish you the very best with that conversation. May I suggest you remind them it's not their fault and make sure to tell them how their lives will change (will they go to the same schools? will they still see grandparents?).
Newb3.just read your thread. I did read the Gary Smalley book getting w back before its to late. Great reading, helps alot, I feel for you, I am probably not to far behind you. I was served a few weeks ago. Been dealing with this since feb.it's hardest thing I have ever gone through. I'm still DBING and sounds like you have done all you can. Keep your head up you and only you can determine when it's time to give up. D is just a piece of legal paper.it sounds like you and w ended things peaceful. Good job on that. You were at your best and w will remember how you treated her in this difficult time.
So I assume it is normal to feel so lost at this point?
I am still doing it all. Everything I have learned here, read, etc..
II waited until this morning to tell her I was off today. Going to meet banker, realtor, etc.
She asks how many homes I am seeing...wishes me well. Her actions do NOT match her words. She shares with me this am that she has a very hard conference call this AM and she has been losing sleep over it. I told her some affirmation stuff and let her know I am always here if she wants to talk. I then grabbed her hand, looked her in the eye and said have a good day, you will be fine. Working on being vague, very few details, yet enough to not make her think I do not want conversation.
Still hurting. I want my WAW to snap out of this all, before I move. I make no efforts to talk about us or R. I focus on kids and day to day. I gave up on 5 love languages long ago, as hers is gifts and words of affirmation with a little acts of service.
I affirm her motherhood and her kindness, maybe once a week.
Guess there is nothing more to do, other than to be patient. Running the hills of this marathon and realizing it is a tri-athalon, swimming is next and hope not to drown.
Looking at several houses today got home and she was all smiles and ask me how it went. I was vague and said it was good. She followed with did you find something? I answered no it's a little frustrating. She said tell me about it and she was all ears so I gave her a very brief summary of the situation. I didn't get up to leave the room and she said thank you for sharing. I waited a few moments took a deep breath but back in the room and said I wasn't sharing I was telling you these things because you always want to offer me advice. You have said in therapy and you have said here at home that you will help me in anyway you can. She then followed up with well only if you ask. I said if you're offering to help me with something I know absolutely nothing about I'll take your help however I'm not going to ask you every single time.
Long story short here she showed me a few homes that she had seen that look like pretty good deals however after running numbers they came out on the high-end just like the houses I was looking at. She went to pick up S3 .5 I cooked dinner she got home ran in the door through everything in the floor went back out to the garage to get S3 .5. I walked to the garage to look and then stopped myself. She did not ask for my help and I'm not going to be around in the future to help. She chose this divorce and she's created this situation herself. I reminded her today when talking about homes that it was frustrating that I needed her help because I trust her 100%. I'm angry with her for putting me in the situation. I also mentioned how frustrating it was to have to buy home within a time limit. It's kind of like buying a car when you need one or when you have to have one.
Needless to say I ate dinner alone while she sat in the bedroom reading and crying. I asked S3 .5 to go and apologize to mommy and go talk to her they had a long talk and since he was in there a long time I went and checked he pointed out that mommy had tears I said yes I see that it's too bad. We watched a TV show as a family and I was going to read S3 .5 stories before bedtime as I'm going on a trip tomorrow. She then gets up and says to him you and daddy can come to mommy in when I go to bed. So we went in and as I used to on my own I rubbed her legs and showed him how to do it and her feet all through the blanket. Then he crawled up and gave her a hug and a kiss. She looked at me as I stood over her and Eileen down and gave her a hug and she reciprocated it was a very sweet and loving hug I whispered in her ear thank you for everything you do for me I appreciate you. I've been turned and Kister on the cheek and she said thank you for that it was nice.
So ladies and gentlemen this'll probably be my last update for a few days as I'm going to spend some quality time with the guys. I would really like some advice on what could be going on in her mind or what I can do to facilitate this relationship a little more prior to leaving the home. I really need some vets to weigh in here. I plan on going dark as soon as I move.
Had a great guy's weekend nice and relaxing. I called WAW yesterday after being gone for more than two days and ask to face time with S3 .5. She said sure and immediately got him connected. She stood there with him and help him stay in frame. She coached him on some things to tell me about so that the conversation would flow better. I really made no effort to speak with her. However, once he was done talking I asked to speak to her and she said she would call me right back on the phone. She called and with a smile and her voice said I hope you're having fun. I replied yes I'm having a lot of fun. I was vague into the point. She asked if I had heard anything on the homes I had looked at. My answer was not much and I found another home to look at. She knew the address of the home I wanted to look at. I laughed and said yes that's the one. She followed up with well you know I like to look at real estate and I saw that one.
I'm so confused right now. Lost. Lonely. Sad. Confused.
I feel I have no sense of direction at this point. Yes I can keep doing what I'm doing, however, I am not sure what's best anymore. Any input would be helpful.
She calls as I'm driving home and asked how far away I am I know she's had a rough few days with S3 .5. I also know that this is what's coming for her and I think she sees it.
I am not sure I can be there for her as a friend once I move out. I will help parent but only when it's my turn. She cannot have her cake and eat it too. She's getting what she wants and is going to have her own time when she doesn't have S3 .5. I really wonder how long she will enjoy her quiet and serenity before she realizes what she's done.
Been home most of the day. S3.5 was happy to see me, and WAW....well, she told me every detail of their time together. Showing me things they bought, talking about their adventures....etc. She was receptive to my touch and appeared to want my full attention.
She asks how my weekend was, and I said it was good. vague and no details. She later asked about the guys and if we talked. I said we did talk, she then said what did they say. I said "say about what"? she said "did you talk about us?" I said...nope.
Found a home, asked WAW opinion of it as she wants to be helpful. she was so vague and fickle. Then after i prompted, she said it is a nice home for the money.
I later hugged her goodnight and attempted some touch. She was not receptive, so I backed off.
Looking for guidance....
This is really weird stuff. I was doing some work on the home computer this evening trying to get my records together. After a few minutes of that I decided to snoop although I know I shouldn't. I looked at the history to see as of today she's been going back and looking at all of the video links I've sent her in the past few months. She got to where she would not look at my emails when I asked her about him weeks later she would say oh I haven't had time yet. I knew this was a delay tactic of hers to avoid conversation. Most of these videos are inspirational videos to lift your mood some of them are just funny but I didn't share a ton of them maybe three in the past two months.
It's funny now she's trying to catch up and she's looking for any topic to have discussions on.
Why now?
Any of the vets care to weigh in on that question or any of the ones above?
"Why now?
Any of the vets care to weigh in on that question or any of the ones above?"
Here's the answer. Stop trying to read into why she is or isn't doing something. You aren't going to get any answers by guessing. The only person who knows why she's doing what she's doing is her.
Don't spend your time and waste your effort on something that you could be totally off base about. Keep concentrating on you.
Is there a post divorce DB book anyone can recommend?
So today, post divorce, everything is falling into place. I do not make phone calls to WAW unless it's something I absolutely need. However working through the lid just sticks of separating money, and taking care of final papers, We are talking more. This talking is always started from her with the phrase hey I have some logistics things to talk about.
This no longer makes me anxious or tents I know that it's talking business when it comes up. There is no relationship talk. And when she wants to know something about my home purchase or anything I wait for her to ask. Today she called me to ask some banking questions I answer them and then got off the phone. I am now working my way home and she is called two more times today. She also asked about my home this last call and seems very happy. With a smile on my face I gave her all the details. She said well that's good that everything is falling into place and we're getting all this logistic stuff taken care of so we can not have to focus on that stuff.
My question here is…if I'm vague and give her just simple answers, and tried to be the one to end the conversation first, what good is this? I love her very much, and want to be her friend. That being said, I know being her friend is all I have right now, but once I move I really want to just go dark for a little while. I know I will stay busy painting and doing things around the house to make it comfortable for me. As well as continuing my one 80s and changes that I've made in my life.
So doing one 80s I've been doing laundry and if my laundry load is small enough I grab hers or do S3 .5 laundry. I have been extra careful with her delicate clothes to make sure that they are drip dry and not thrown in the dryer I am prompt to remove them from the dryer as they don't wrinkle. I see her get very stressed with S3 .5. As part of detaching I do not interfere unless she asks me to or calls my name for help. She needs to see what it's going to be like with me not around. This morning he was being very rude to her and she was grabbing some of her laundry I had done. Taking out her frustrations on a shirt and trying to straighten the wrinkles out of it as it was drip dried. She tells me I no longer need to do her laundry. As sometimes if it's left in the dryer she has to rewash them or if they're left in the washer and they smell like mildew she has to rewash them. Funny thing is I think they've been left in the washer one time and I rewash them and I've been left in the dryer one time and I took care of it she has never had to lift a finger with those things in the past six months. If she has had to do that it was something of her own doing. So she asked that I not do her laundry anymore that she can take care of it after her complaint I said I don't think I've ever read your laundry if anything I've been extra careful to make sure I hang things that need to be drip dried or could be drip dried. I didn't said that is fine I will not do your laundry anymore. As I walked out of the room I said I simply grab your laundry if my load of laundry was too small to try and help out however I'm done with that I will not do it anymore. I then asked S3 .5 if he wanted to go with me and run some errands. He said no and she immediately said where are you going I told her I had some errands to run and then she followed with what when will you be back. I asked her when she needed me back and she said she was just asking for a time because she wanted to go to a store. I then asked S3 .5 one more time if you wanted to go with me he said no. She then asked him if he wanted to go with her and he said yes. So what she ended up with was having him go with her and she said it was no problem he said he didn't want to go with me and I was going out the door anyway. On the way out the door she was talking about something I assume she was talking to him however if she was talking to me I'm sure I'll catch attitude when I get home. She has created this distance and I am doing nothing but 180s and gal. Should she need to be upset I'm sure she's just as upset with herself as she has created the situation. Again I would appreciate any input on this thread or any comments it would be nice to see a vet again however thanks to everyone who comments.
Funny, after all that a few weeks ago....she sees me sorting my clothes and asks if I have room for a few things for S3.5. I said yes, with a smile and went on with my weeknight cleaning and settling in. I came back to his clothes and hers. Ended up splitting the load in two. She is allowing my touch, but does not return it. I am very cautious to not over-do, nor ask her anything. I smile, smell nice, and do whatever is needed. If she asks I handle it. If she does not ask, I act blind. Needless to say, there has been a lot of hearing her call my name lately. Soon, it will be a quiet home and I will not be here to help hold it all together.
NewB3, just from a guy probably not to far behind you. For your own sanity go really dark. I know the want to be freinds and we won't have a "bad" divorce. But truthfully until you go dark and treat this like what it is I don't think you will have anything but heartache. I am not saying there couldnt be a new and better R for you in future with w. But you need to detach to the point you can go on and be happy without her. I have 3 kids so I get it you will have to deal with her on kid level. But she asked for it! Not you! GAL and be happy when around her but be quiet and aloof, don't share to much about your personal life. She doesn't need to know or more frankly deserve to know.
I'm doing a good job with the 180s. I'm being the guy only a fool would leave. This weekend she mentioned when she woke Saturday that she was going to run a few errands but only after she went out front and trimmed the bushes as they were getting kind of pie I asked her if she knew how to do that and she said no but Matt borrow some of your tools I said sure. I waited a few minutes and let her tell me about the rest of the things she was going to do and then I mentioned that I had actually planned to get up Sunday morning and trim the bushes and do a couple of other things in the yard however she was more than welcome to go do that. I have been living in our home and she is not bothered my bank account for any of the bills. I want to be a guy that does things for her and loves her until he leaves
Last night S3 .5 was going to tell her good night as she came out of the bedroom. She turned and walked towards me and he gave her a hug. She didn't stood next to me looking at him and he walked up and grabbed both of our legs and kissed us. I put my arm around her and gave her a squeeze and told her thank you for being a great mother and a great person she leaned her head onto my shoulder. I Kister on the top of the head and said what a wonderful child we have. This morning I woke up and went outside to start trimming the bushes. I noticed the flower bed I had planted to add some color to the front stoop was pretty much spent. I told my S 10 to go see if she wanted to replace those flowers.she said yes she wanted to replace those so I ask her to go to the store pick out flowers and get the supplies.she took both kids and must've called me four times while she was gone. You see she's very intelligent very smart person however knows not anything about any work or basic house care and upkeep. We told S 10 on Friday night about our divorce and told S3 .5 early this morning. They both took it well. Instead of going through a whole speech we gave a simple talk and told them they can ask questions anytime to either one of us they can write it down and ask where they can write it down and wait or they can write it down and handed to us. On my way to take S 10 back to his mother I gave my WAW a good hug and told her thanks for making this easy on the children. She had been reading test 3.5 in our bed and I went in after they were done and we all played on the bed. There were moments of handholding from me and I was not pushed away when trying to get hugs and kisses to either one tickling playing a lot of touching just happy love.
Unfortunately this will come to an end soon and I will go dark other than contact in regards to children. Do I stay in the newcomers form for this or is there a recommended place to go if you're going dark. Mike got says write her a letter and leave it when I move out expressing my feelings and my love for her. My DB and knowledge from here tells me save it until she wants to talk about the R.
When we told S3 .5 this morning he seemed happy about it was excited that he'll have two rooms and his toys at two places and asked if he would have a suitcase. My heart melted at that point and I began to tear up my capital W a W looked at me as I look down at the table.Needless to say I'm very angry with her while maintaining a smile see what effect it's having on S3 .5 as he lashes out a lot. I love her with all my heart but at the same time I'm so angry with her I can't see straight. I keep my anger in check of course take lots of deep breaths, And stay focused on being a good guy. I feel completely detached most of the time and I'm so ready to move yet on the other hand will miss sharing a bed with her and seeing your beautiful face every day as I do still love her very much I just can't show her that this is got to be one of the harder things much like it was when I started the DB process. I give physical touch is most of the time on the weekend if she needs it I'll give her some complements. Today she was fixing her hair before leaving to go to the gym as she was going to shower when she returned I walked in and she was frustrated and complaining I said I'm sorry that you feel that way, but I want you to know your internal filter of the way you look and what people Think about the way you look are probably totally different. You're very attractive woman you have a great smile and your very kind hearted and anybody who doesn't see that is blind. She said thank you so much for saying that and text me on the arm as she walked by she said I know I know how I am but it's nice to hear that.
feeling lost tonight. hard to love someone and not show them for fear of losing them. Loving that WAW wants to help me with anything I need, but waits for me to ask, as she wants to not be pushy or bother. On the other hand, I don't want to ask her for anything, but feel it brings us closer.
Anytime I ask her for help on something, she jumps at the chance, and after I get her help, I thank her and then tell her I appreciate her taking the time....she mostly replies, "anytime, all you have to do is ask."
Is this guilt or her trying to reach out of her fog?
I was off today and met the inspector at my new home. WAW is out of town on business. I'm taking care of S3 .5 on my own until tomorrow. I took care of the yard today make sure the sprinklers were tuned up and made sure that all the weeds were sprayed for her to list this home. Again keeping up the 180s and doing things without being asked and making sure that she's going to feel like a fool when I'm gone.I had called her earlier because I absolutely had to something about the home. I left her a quick voicemail and new that tonight she was busy on her trip with functions with the customers. She called me back a moment ago and said her event was over and she will be heading to the hotel soon as she ate. She said did not she did not listen to my voicemail but saw that she had missed my call and called immediately. I asked the question I had, she answered and then said I'll call you back later... how is S3 .5 ?I said he was fine. She said well I want to talk to you when I call later. I want to hear all about how the inspection went.
Knowing she's probably had a glass of wine or two and she could be possibly missing me? Who knows that's mind reading I don't have time to play guessing games at this point. I'm a little confused by her eagerness to hear about my new home. I know she's interested in me because I don't tell her much. But if she calls me specifically to discuss something like that how much do I tell her do I treat her like my best friend and chat her up?
NewB3, it seems like the forum likes to make the posts I send your way disappear.
Out of curiosity, your signature says you have a S10. How has he handled all of this. Forgive me if I missed something reading over your situation.
I know exactly what you mean with your S3.5 acting out. Last year was horrible for my S9 when my W left. He suddenly developed this complex about not being good enough, calling himself stupid, and having dreams about me leaving him on the side of the road and driving off. Whether or not he actually had those dreams, I'm not sure. But, the message was pretty clear. Of course, W doesn't want to hear any of it because that just reminds her of the consequences of her choice to leave. Breaks my heart everytime W is here to visit and to watch the kids' faces when she leaves.
Who's to say why she's calling and asking questions. As hard as it is, I would say just let it be what it is and don't read too much into it. Keep it as positive as you can. I would say that follow the same rules as before - brief conversation and be the one who ends the conversation. Don't be rude, obviously. Friendly and polite is the best way to go. And at the end of the day, be thankful that she is still making contact with you. If any thing more develops from it, let it do so naturally.
Last night was very difficult with S3 .5. He was very difficult to deal with and only wanted mommy to do everything. She was exhausted from being on her out-of-town business trip. I helped as much as I could. Cooked dinner clean the kitchen. I told him good night and she put him to bed she came down and got in bed and I went in and told her good night with a pat on the leg I said sleep well and left the room. I went to exercise and noticed there was a problem with the pan under the air conditioning. I think I fixed the problem, however, there was a lot of water. I went back upstairs to the bedroom and told her of the problem. Now we are divorced I have a new house closing soon and she will have to make any repairs on this home needed before sale. I told her that I need to go to the store and buy some things to fix the problem. Again just trying to be the guy that she'll need some day.
This morning I double checked everything pierced to be okay. I went upstairs to wake up S3 .5 and brought him down half-asleep. Walked over to her in the kitchen and said good morning. She turned around and if she did I turn so she could see his face she told him good morning and gave him a kiss and then reached around him with one arm and meet with the other and hugged us both from my back. I thought it would just be a quick hug and of course didn't feel much about it although I want to hug her back. She held us for a bit of time and then let us go to go get ready for the day. On the way out of the house today I told her have a great day and I hope everything worked out with your realtor that was coming to see the home today. She's excited for me in my new home but it feels weird to me.I know I'm being the better person and doing everything right before my exit. Once I am out I will go dark through the holidays. I do know that I will be invited to do things with her family as my S 10 wants to see them. Most of them are from out of town so I'm sure there will be a weekend or two of seeing her. This is so awkward and at the same time bittersweet.
She has some family in town, so I am doing some packing today. I only have two weeks until I close on my new home. She's made it really easy, I walk into a room and ask if she has a moment she comes in and we quickly decide who gets what. No real discussions it's almost like two fFriends deciding who's going to take what from the refrigerator.
She also mentioned this morning that this will be the last week she goes to counseling with me. She said she feels were doing well at communicating and being friendly.
I told her as far as splitting S3 .5 things that I would probably not pack them but put them in the car the day I was going to take them over. She will ask about certain things in the home and then pause and wait for my reaction. She did this a few times and I finally said if you want something say so if I want something I'm going to tell you. Seems to work out neither of us and up wanting the same thing I have a feeling there'll be a few items that way before it's all said and done.
I'm kind of hurting today sad and down. She was laying on the bed while we were chatting I rubbed your on the leg and said I'm going to miss seeing these legs every day. And then followed up with and I'm going to miss your sense of humor and your smile. She replied thanks for saying that. Little does she know that once I'm out communication goes silent. I will probably not post here as much when I go dark as it makes me think of her in our relationship.
I have a song that I have found that may help anyone else hear "I won't give up" by Jason Mraz. It helps me focus on me but remember us and the fact that I won't give up.