Old thread locked, so just starting the new ... perfect timing really. I finished DB, also polished off 5LL last night
Old .. long sitch here.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2479357&page=1So W dropped off son this morning early so she could go get her hair done. We messed around about an hour and I took him with me to my IC appt, turns out with all thats going on my appt is not for 2 weeks, lol ... losing my mind. So took that oppurtunity, he and I went to the bookstore, I was just looking around, spotted DL so I picked that up! Went and got my haircut and she called, asking if I had plans... told her nothing really set for the day (leaving tonight open as I have 2 birthday parties to choose from if I decide to go) She wanted to go to the gym, I told her that would be fine as S and I were enjoying ourselves (PMA) she asked if I was sure, I reassured her .. told her no rush take your time, she asked if she should pick up lunch .. I told her we were not hungry as of yet and would play lunch by ear.
Pleasant exchange, hoping the backslide from yesterday morning can be overcome and I continue making progress ... she atleast has her IC appt Monday ... no expectations but I hope the fog will lift, she can get past the withdrawls from OM and we can possibly see where we go from here as I continue on my path to a better me.
Update:
W asked me yesterday if I had plans (as she picked up S) I told her I infact did. I told her I would be going to church and she was free to join me ... she replied she would like that and asked if we could pick up a redbox movie after. I actually had a couple birthday parties that night I was invited to ... but honestly was tired and figured ... ok she invited me, I told her that sounded nice. So after church we discussed movie options .. I went and picked the movie up as she grabbed some groceries. We watched the movie and my son and I played a little bit during (I had already seen the movie but knew she would enjoy it) .... as typical she fell asleep during .. as she always does. So I got my S ready for bed .. brushed and prayed with him ... woke her up and told her he was in bed and I would see her tomorrow at his Dr appt. ... she asked me if everything was ok, apologized for falling asleep, I validated her and told her everything was fine (as it was) and I knew she must be exhausted after the week.
SO I am home falling asleep and the TM exchange was interesting:
W: I just read something and it dawned on me all the mistakes I've made with you I'm sorry for being controlling, for hating you, blaming everything on you.
Me: Ive made alot of mistakes too (I should have validated here looking back at it)
W:I'm not asking you to bring yours up. I'm just apologizing
Me: I know apologizing is hard for you. Thank you
W Its a step, I've screwed up a boatload. I'm going to go to mass (Different church as she shared she was not connecting at our after the change in priests .. something we had discussed before)
I fell asleep ... this morning she told me she was getting school supplies for our S .. I offered to help .. she replied "yes please"
Not having expectations .. so much work to be done .. but its a positive .. baby steps
Definitely a positive! Be thankful that she has the character to do a little introspective on her actions and apologize. Even if it is just baby steps forward, at least it's momentum in a positive direction.
Thank you topgun ... and yes the fact she is actually starting to see her own issues have played a part is a good step in the right direction
So I get to the store, she was upset with our son, he was aparently acting out and back talking according to her, so I calmly stepped in, asked her for the list of supplies we needed to get, and told her "ok I am here, let me do this and you can talk a walk and gather yourself" ... she started in on me saying I was taking S's side ... I again just calmly repeated "I am here, trying to help you ... let me take him and get these items, you could use a break I know you are frustrated but yelling is not going to solve this, I will speak to him once you leave" .... ok .. this was a 180 for me ... I know S is acting out, but hey ... he is 7 and she was acting like she was 8 ... so this approach workd, by the time we were finished she thanked me and asked what was wrong with our S .. I told her "You both just seemed to be misunderstanding each other and worked each other up" ... she laughed and thanked me again ... Baby steps
So we get to S Dr appt, non eventful and I tell her I hope she has a nice evening ... she asked if I had plans for the day .. infact I did in a few hours I was playing Softball but was going to take S to lunch she was welcome to join us ... and she did because she "wanted to talk"
I was like .. crap ... ok ... DB DB DB ... so the talk went well I think .. she did bring up R a few times and I told her I was not wanting to discuss that, (OM has only been out of the picture less than a week) ... she told me she is having a hard time with things, I talked to her as a person, not as my with, I listened, I told her tid bits of various books I have read, told her the IC appt would be very good for her.
She asked if she has always had issues ... trust, control, assumptions .. told her they were always there and I failed in my approach to them ... without bringing it up I generally explained how I did not speak her LL ... just by telling her I thought she always wanted $$ when I realls should just have sat and had a nice one on one eye contact type talk , and should have taken her more places ... out of the house as a family and just things for her and I. (She keeps asking about some pictures she wants from our honeymoon the past few days ... no mind reading but its strange)
She then asked me what I want .... now before DB my reply was .. For you to stop the A with OM and give our M a real shot ... I refrained ... I told her that at the moment the M and our R was not really on my top 5 list of things I am trying to focus on ... that I have been proud of the progress I have made but need to keep at it and not backslide (explained the backslide concept and took that as a chance to explain thats what I did during our last blowup and apologized)
She told me she needed to go ... (was going to see our first nanny) ... tears in her eyes she thanked me twice for the talk and said "Maybe one day you can forgive me" I paused and thought about it ... and just looked her in the eyes and said "Maybe you can forgive me too"
I felt like the exchange was a positive, took some chances to make sure she knew I would never go back to the old marriage we had .. but did say something to the point that I did not think we were at a point for R as we both have some work to do on ourselves and would not have the time/energy to put into what would need to happen for R to be successful been the 3rd time OM and her have split ... and I am not going through a 2nd attempt at R till I know he is gone and she is ready to work at it.(Wish I had that advice the first time) ... she did actually respect that stance. She asked if I thought her and I were a mistake .. that we just stayed together because we were afraid of being alone ... I told her no way do I think 24 years can ever be considered a mistake, we had a lot of great times .. we just forgot how to treat each other the past couple years and a few small acts of kindness we may have avoided this entire mess as far as I was concerned ..... however as much as I did not like the situation I did tell her I actually see it as a hidden blessing as I would not have become the man I now am .. and I actually like who I am and where I am going.
All in all I think it was a great talk, seeds planted and now I just stay the course and hope they take root. Praying for small miracles and patience.
I love that quote "We forgot how to treat each other over the past couple years"
I'm praying for you CaliGuy
Great story and great progress
Ugh ... backslide a little bit.
I was doing well with detaching, the W called S last night and said goodnight, all was good .. she had asked me earlier in the day to look for the Honeymoon trip (We took that about 5 years after we married) ... so I was looking around and found some older pics of our S when he was 2, only 5 years ago but we were so happy, looked 20 years younger .. not sure if thats what did it or not .. but I woke up at 1:30 this morning and could not stop thinking about her, and everything .. OM, the separation, what I really want, the pain and hurt ... all of it. She had told me the A was over (I dont fully believe her but want to) .. so I broke down and snooped .. sure enough a recent post of her with my S at a ball game and he "liked" it
I know I need to get over this, but it bugs ... I dropped off S this morning and she wanted a hug, I was hesitant ... but gave a half hearted hug and wished her a good day, tried to be positive but just was not with it today. I did not bring any of this up... just felt like I regressed a bit today after I was really happy with all the progress I have made.
I can somewhat relate to how you're feeling. It's like, if they're not involved anymore, then why are they still FB friends? Why is he liking things she's posting to her wall? It's stuff like this that drives me crazy about FB.
And then...when you step back and look at it in the grand scheme of things, what is one "Like" on a social media site? It's hard in these types of situations to not let someone else rent space in your head for free.
Keep up what you've been doing. It's obviously producing some results, both in how you feel about yourself and it seems to be resonating with her.
Ok .. having just a rouch day ... I woke up at 1:00 this morning and just have not been able to shake it.
She told me that she wanted to do to a group at a different church, and also would like our son to attend the children session .. its on a night I typically have him
So I look up the church and the offered classes....Its a class to help those who have suffered divorce, separation, or the loss of a long term relationship ... and the children's is for kids coping with the same (He knows she left .. and has caught her texting OM) ... my heart sank .... and I am trying to remain PMA
One hand it is a church and I would hope they are pro M ... she is the WAW and going through the MLC .. not sure if this is a good or bad thing ... just trying to get my own thoughts and feelings in check about this new curve ball (I guess its better than a lawyer / mediator)
Hang in there Caliguy, it's a rough emotional rollercoaster ride. I too have a WAW (no A) and some days are good and some are very bad. But it looks like you are really making good progress! She is obviously seeing the positive changes in you, keep it going!
I tell ya ... So I ask the W what the sessions concerning our son are and she sends the link ... I simply stated that I felt he would benefit from that, she asked how so .. I just said he has said/shared things that made me feel this way. This set her off ( Guilt setting in big time) .. she calls me up and its like all the positives that were going on just flew out the window ... she was upset and I could not get the spew jacket on fast enough. She went off on me ... its like she is again looking to justify her choices ... so I shot a few truth darts at her, and basically refused to take the bait. Seems MLC lingo going strong here .... she has her IC appt tonight ... and our S evidently shared some things that have set her off the past week , saying he wants our family so he can be happy .... she complains that he is always happy with me, I am the fun one while she has to be strict ... not true .. I get him to do all his chores and things we teach him without yelling at the poor kid.
So she did TM back apologizing for blowing up ( small positive) I validated telling her I can understand why she was upset ... but it still seems to be all my fault here .. not taking off the spew jacket just yet.
I pray she can get past all the crap she is holding onto and resenting me for. I just do not know if I will live to see that day.
More Journal
Ok, so yesterday, the W was such a 180 from Sunday I was just in disbelief .... especially since I have been so careful to avoid the triggers that typically set her off ... she was at me untill the moment she walked into her therapist's office (first meeting for those trying to catch up) ..... I am actually happy she is finally doing this, it shows me she has started looking inward. I pretty much returned all the spew she fired off via TM with validation, positivity, and a few times going dark and just not replying. I realized her stress level was high as she is nervous about dealing with the fall out of what she has done, who she has become over the past year ... and she never has dealt with stress very well.
So S calls her at bedtime ... she was all happy go lucky .. even though I have read my share of the MLC thing .. I was still like .. Seriously? can the demon just leave you already?? I dropped S off this morning, I put on my DB combat gear and expected the worst. She opened the door and had a new black dress on ( My Krypto) and looked beautiful ... I told her she looked great gave my S a hug and went to leave.... she swoops in for a big hug and apologized (again big thing for her) ... she said she was sorry for being so wishy-washy ... I told her it was ok, I do understand .. and thank you for the apology as it meant alot. I asked her how her session went and she opened up and told me about it ... another + in the column. She said the therapist wants her every week ... (Very Good thing in my opinion) and she was going to do EMDR therapy ... (I need to read up on this ... not sure what it is, read just a blip and if anything seems to help with the negaitive thoughts ... that alone would be huge if W can let go of the bad memories she holds onto)
So I left, driving into work I was thinking ... goin gthere I was questioning my own sanity, how long and how much do we put up with this stuff before we just drop it, lose all hope and move on .... then a meaningful exchange like today happens... when I get a glimpse of the girl I loved, the one I married .... and it fills my tank just enough to stay on this MLC rollercoaster freeway for a little longer. Fingers crossed, baby steps ... and a PMA hoping for the best..... But I will keep the DB spew jacket and combat gear close by just in case ... lol
Journal
Not much to add as of late, things between W and I have been "ok" .... the exchanges are pleasant (positives)I called S last night as I was leaving my softball game (GAL'ing) and headed out with the team after ... she asked how my game went and I told her I got hit in the head after losing a ball in the sun .... she has been more relaxed lately but I just feel like when we do talk its about S and little else ... I just wish we could start connecting .. when she is like this its like her and OM are together again and I am cast out ... I haven't pressed, nor do I know if this is the case ... I just guess its a big dose of the loneliness that I constantly struggle with, I want my wife and family back .. .but know this will all take time. I have been DBing and not pursuing but its so hard to remain hopeful and patient .... but at least we are not fighting and there seems to not be much talk of the D ... so I will take it.
I went out this week and took my motorcycle test, passed and now have my M1 license .. something I've always wanted to do ... I am on the fence about buying the bike, I want to do it for me, I never spoil myself .. ever... and just feel like this would help me in the GAL dept, getting out and riding with new people .. doing my own thing ... but I know if W finds out she will be pissed. She will see it as money I should be giving her or spending on school .... something else I am pursuing, just emailed my contact to see if I can start taking courses in October... its expensive but I should have the money ... depending on how bad I am going to get screwed over with the taxes ... more on that when I know .. but it sounds bad according to what the W said our tax guy said.
I am going to try today not to think about her much .. and to just go dark... I have not done well in that area and need to improve.
Just a self pep-talk here ... as much as I think I am detaching ... I know I am not. My moods hinge on contact from her, I do not chase/initiate contact but when she goes dark, it bugs me ... when she texts... depending on the subject I can feel indifferent .. of elated. I go for 2 walks during my work hours ... I use these 10 minutes walks to pray, to really talk to God ... someday I feel connected and at peace ... others not so much. I notice its worse on the days I dont see her when I drop off S, if she hugs me in the morning it just makes my day... again proving to me that I am not properly detaching as I am so affected by what she does.
So today ... nothing from her till about 2:30
W: Getting excited!! My campaign is all lining up to launch in 9/2!! Thanks for bearing with me and my stress levels
I replied ... but waited till well after work around 5 (180 and trying to detach)
Me:Thats great! I'm sure it will be a huge relief for you to finally be done with that campaign
W:Its very big for the company
Me:That will look good for you, something you should be very proud of
One of her issues was that I never showed that I was proud of what she has accomplished .... I know I was'nt, I used to but then she started rubbing it in ... and I felt trapped .. had to keep a job I hated because she lost hers and bounced around for the past 5 years. .... something I have let go of, and I found a much better job for me.
I am debating on a big thing (for me anyways) .... just received a raise, I went and got a motorcycle license, and am thinking about buying a Harley ... this will upset her no doubt ... my birthday is next month ... last year she gave me a card .. first time ever she did not say ILY in it ... OM was in the picture but I did not know it .. anyways .. I never do anything for me, never spoil myself .. part of me thinks I deserve this for the hell she put me through .. for busting my ass and having nothing to show for it as she took all the furniture ... MLC selfishness full blown ... I would have done this all different having the DB tools that I have now ... anyways .. I know by getting the bike, it may push her further away ... maybe I wait a bit .. maybe I dont .. not sure what I want to do just yet.
I think I'm naturally biased but I think you should get the Harley. Maybe not immediately, but pretty soon.
I'm the opposite with the detachment - I actually do very well on the days I don't see him, but when we briefly pass by during child exchanges, I get an attack of "evil butterflies" that leave me feeling tense and drained for the rest of the day.
Happy Riding (maybe)!
Get the bike; let her see you are having fun without her and have moved on. One thing I have noticed with my WAW is that she thrives off of attention and being the center of attention, and even though she doesn't want me right now, it infuriates her to no end when I visit and chat with her GF whenever she stops by or when I ignore her when she has dressed up particularly nice.
BTW, I am partial to Victory motorcycles. I own a Victory Kingpin; get the Harley if you enjoy working on it!
Thanks Casey & Raliced for the replies ....I am still up in the air about it ... thinking of putting it off a little bit and paying some other things off first.
Dropped off S this morning, she seemed like she was in a chipper mood, I have been struggling the past few days, but trying to "fake it till I make it" .... my patience is just not there right now, she asked me if something was wrong and I told her no everything was good .... I did not go into her place, just gave my son a hug and wished them both a nice day and left. This is slowly killing me, I know I am not detaching .... so hard after 24 years. Well .. at least there was not a backslide ... I have no intel on if OM is still in picture or not, she doesn't text me at night so either she is trying to stay solo ... or she is back with him ... either way I realize it doesn't matter, things will go where they will all I can do is continue to work on me.
Woke up early this morning and coached my sons soccer game .. W was there, I was in a good mood, just bing happy. walked them to the car after and she asked if I was taking S to church ... I confirmed I would like to and invited her to go (different church as she was not connecting with the priest change from our church) .... she agreed and we decided to meet there. She texted me about S ... nothing important .. I replied nicely. then she asked later if I have a cord for her computer ... again .. replied I would bring it to church ... then she invites me to a walk after church wanting me to bring the dog ... I thought about it and figured its a good chance to keep building the positives that I have done well with .
All this while I was GAL .... I bought the Harley .. decided I deserved it, its something to help me GAL, joined the local chapter, and will attend some of the rides ... something I have always wanted to do ... at the moment its left me $$ strapped ... I was just going in to look .. but ended up going ahead with it. I am not telling W, if she finds out .. fine .. but with the $$ talks I am just not going to open that can of worms. Will be a week till I actually have it ... but its all set.
It made me feel really good ... during the process I just became more and more at peace with it. So ... its a 180 for me to spoil myself ... and it will help the GAL ... and we will see what this weekend brings with W ... no expectations .. just going along with it ... not sure what is up with OM ... I am at a point I know I am close to forcing the issue .. just not this week
Went to church with the W and S .... seems she has been trying really hard to reconnect with S, buying him things .... can not say I care for that .... but glad she is trying to make their relationship better .... there is that side of me that did not mind her feeling guilty with how he was acting with her. After church she said they were hungry and asked if I was, so I suggested our go-to ... was a peaceful dinner, I was PMA, listening to her, I made it a point to end the dinner (One thing she seems to be beating me to, ending conversations) so I walked them to her car, opened her door for her (something I have been making a habit of doing since DBing) she said goodbye and I caught a glimpse of the girl I married ... went and ran an errand and went home. S called about an hour or so later to say goodnight and I let it go to voice mail as I was talking to my roomate about the Harley.
Today she is dropping him off, I am just doing chores, cleaning, laundry .... she says she is going to the spa with her long time friend ... I was happy to hear that, later tonight who knows what she will be up to ... I do find I am still struggling with OM ... some days its ok, others not .. I have not brought him up in a very long time thankfully .... the other thing I am really having a hard time with is after I am GAL'ing ... is the loneliness ... I miss just having my family around even as I am cleaning and doing chores ... its this alone time I fight the racing thoughts ... I pray one day this will end soon!
Good for you for going with the bike! It hits you in the ol' pocketbook for a bit, but glad you're doing something for you. You've done something that I've been contemplating doing since my sitch started. FIL rides, but he's in WI, but would love to ride with him sometime. Did you get people telling you were crazy to get a motorcycle license when you decided to do it? Every time I bring it up, someone tells me it's a stupid thing to do because I have 2 kids that need to be watched over. Apparently I have that "devil may care" look. Ha!
The alone hours are totally the hardest. Your mind wants to go all sorts of places, especially where WAW is concerned. I find that when it gets the toughest, I have to turn on a funny show on Netflix (The Office is always a winner) to keep my brain occupied. That or some of your favorite music and dance so goofy that you can't help but laugh at yourself.
Isn't it funny how the WAW tries to overcompensate for their absence with their children by buying them things? Doesn't part of you kind of scratch your head and say "You know...if you would just be a part of their life, it'd be worth far more than anything that you could buy them at the store..." But then again, that's just being rational...
Keep up the good work!