Hi, I am newly separated as of 8/1. H walked in on Friday afternoon, said he couldn't do "this"...."us"....anymore. Just before our 25 year wedding anniversary and my 50th bday at end of month.
I am devastated. He had attempted to do this back in October but moved back in by that same Sunday. This time he just said that he is tired of hurting me, seeing the hurt in my eyes. I said "you are my partner in life" and he said that he hasn't been much of a partner, much less a friend. He said that he wasn't sure why, but he just stopped trying. I don't know if there is any hope, or if at this point it is useless. Very little sex since last November (maybe 3 times). Sounds awful, but he has just not had any interest.
I think he really has been thinking/planning this for awhile. I had been trying to plan a little trip for our anniversary, but he would never give me an answer, only that he'll know his schedule better in a couple of weeks. And if I brought up a trip around friends, he would change the subject. What an idiot I am. Don't know where he is living, he said someplace temporary. He has assured me that financially, he will (and has) continued to support. House payment and he transferred funds to me today for bills. I don't really see him not coming through on that. UGH this is horrible.
He said no OW involved, but I know at the very least there was an EA but most likely PA. He always denied. I feel so alone. S23 still lives in home but works long hours and D20 lives about 7 hrs away. I went to see her the day after and spent the week with her. This is my first day home alone (I work remotely from home).
Oh gosh how do people get thru this? I have an appt to see a therapist and my doctor to get some meds. Hope they help. Doing the usual trying to keep active and taking care of myself nutritionally. Any tips?
He has texted numerous times that he misses me. I believe that he is experiencing a huge sense of loss too. I think we just grew apart. We spoke today. Only 2nd time since 8/1. So sad. It is not like we ever fight, we don't, which is what makes this so hard. Thanks for listening.....
Abbey,
I'm sorry, but this is what I -- and others -- have been warning you about for 3 1/2 years.
Abbey,
I'm sorry you are in such pain, but I'm not really sure how we can best help you. You know exactly what's going on -- your husband is playing you -- and yet you continue in the same endless loop of deceit and frustration and disrespect.
We like to think that we are complicated beings, but us humans really ARE path-of-least-resistance creatures. Your husband is doing what he is doing because he is weak, it feels good to him, and BECAUSE HE CAN. Until you muster up the will and the skill to remove yourself as his backup plan, you're destined for months and even years of this same heartbreak and deceit.
Is this really what you want?
Starsky
You chose to stick your head in the sand, others offered the usual (((hugs))) and even advised you -- alarmingly -- "what you don't know won't hurt you." (And yes, that's an exact quote)
It is precisely this kind of pain and LOST PRECIOUS TIME that I try to warm people about the horrible damage of affairs.
I hope you at least have clarity now, and can summon your inner "Mamabear" and do what needs to be done to protect yourself and your family.
Starsky
Starsky, true...true...all true... Now just trying to focus on me. Have all sorts of appts. lined up. H told our D21 today that neither of us is in any hurry to change anything for the time being (house/finance wise). I would have to agree with that.
Abbey, I'm in SoCal, too. I'm sorry you're facing all this. I know nothing of your sitch but it seems Starsky remembers you.
I'm always confused by men who want things to change but aren't willing to do any change themselves. Well, that's part of my sitch, anyway and it seems your husband might be similar.
How are your kids taking all this?
Abbey...hang in there. 25 years is a long time and the roots are deeper than he realizes. I can't promise that it will all work out and be ok again. But this isn't a car crash where in a split second you'll never have another chance to talk to him again. This will take time. And while that sounds terrible when you want nothing more than to make it all right again right this instant...it's a great thing because it gives you both time to process, grow, reflect, and experiment.
My belief is that separation can seem like a good idea in our minds because we can't logically weigh out how our emotions will react. It's easy to assign to much meaning to a recurring irritation, longing, feeling of neglect, etc. What's not as easy to see is that 1) that feeling may come from inside of you and not the M and you won't learn that until you leave, and 2) you may discount that 90% of your good feelings about purpose and identity and content come from a partnership you took for granted.
So trust in the roots, grow, read and post often, and open your self up to change. And when things get really tough post here and read stories. I'm a stranger but I am here for you and we are all going to make it through!
H told our D21 today that neither of us is in any hurry to change anything for the time being (house/finance wise). I would have to agree with that.
Abbey, what does your attorney say about this? Have you TALKED to a family law attorney about all of this?
You need to finally start protecting yourself here.
Starsky
Abbey, I'm in SoCal, too. I'm sorry you're facing all this. I know nothing of your sitch but it seems Starsky remembers you.
I'm always confused by men who want things to change but aren't willing to do any change themselves. Well, that's part of my sitch, anyway and it seems your husband might be similar.
How are your kids taking all this?
Hi, my daughter was a great support for me that first week. I traveled up north to see her, she spent our 25th anniversary with me and my son spent it with H. Kids were not so shocked since he already attempted to leave in October. They are doing better than us for sure.
25 years is a long time and the roots are deeper than he realizes.
Thank you Zues126 hope you are well! It is a long time, I literally met him my first day in town when I moved from NorCal 27 years ago. Friends that I have confided in commented to me that they had noticed that H has seemed a bit more negative, reflective, unhappy for a few years even with them. My D21 said that even when H has been up working in Norcal and she would meet him for dinner, he just seemed blah. No life. Worried for him but trying to take care of me. Hope you are having a good day!
H told our D21 today that neither of us is in any hurry to change anything for the time being (house/finance wise). I would have to agree with that.
Abbey, what does your attorney say about this? Have you TALKED to a family law attorney about all of this?
You need to finally start protecting yourself here.
Starsky
I agree. I don't know why I am absolutely terrified to talk to an attorney. I know it is just a consultation and I'm sure H has probably done that already. One of my best friends just went through this so I'm planning to get the name of her attorney and set up an appointment this next week. I guess talking to an attorney has always seemed so FINAL. I know that is just my own stupid fear. But knowledge is power so am definitely planning to do this in the next couple of weeks. Today my first counseling appt. I don't know what to expect, but I'm grasping at straws for anything to help me feel better right now. Hope you are well. I have appreciated your advice over the years. Time to start moving forward.
Well I'm sorry if you ever felt "beat up," Abbey, but I swear to God I was only trying to help you. Your passivity has only cost you, in so many ways, and I just want to see you begin to make braver choices and move forward with your life.
Talking to an atty is a very empowering experience, almost everyone says. You are WAY past the time when you should have acquired this knowledge.
Starsky
I don't know what to expect, but I'm grasping at straws for anything to help me feel better right now.
Try this out Abbey
Resources for feeling betterI hope you find something in it helps.
Old Dog xx
So I had my first counseling session yesterday. She really helped me look at all things that I can do right now to make myself feel better to help with this grieving process. One of the things I've been struggling with is how to tell our friends. we came up with a "script" of what to say:
"H has moved out on his own. This was his decision. He needs some separate time. All is calm between us and we are still talking. The kids know. We are all doing OK and we need support. We don't want our friends to choose. We are taking this one step at a time and making no decisions. We just want the people closest to us to know"
So I plan to call my closest girlfriends I think? Instead of text or email which could be forwarded to who knows.... Plan is to get this out of the way by Friday.
She also recommends taking Melatonin each night before bed to help with sleep, and if my mind is swirling, a Tylenol PM too. Also I'll be taking a "happy pill" each day to help things remain a little more even. Like she says, nothing will mask this pain. We talked about having a full calendar, getting together with friends and family, etc... and exercise and nutrition of course.
She talked about grieving and the process....she said to give myself time to be sad, cry, feel, and then do some living like laundry, yardwork, housework, etc.. then give myself more time to grieve, and back and forth. She said this is the way it works and eventually it won't occupy as much of my thoughts over time. But it is important to feel the sadness, recognize that this is normal and OK.
It was a good session, I was able to tell someone fully in person what has been going on. First time ever. This was nice just to get off my chest. She talked in general about affairs, and said there are 3 kinds of people. 1) A person who would never even think of having an affair (that would be me!) 2) A person who has a one night stand, feels horrible, and doesn't do it again and 3) A person who has affairs repeatedly as a pattern. Of course I know which category H fits into. She also said that for men, they typically will only leave a long marriage if another woman is involved.
H says there is no OW, but I don't know.
So headed off to walk at the beach. Hope you have a good day!
I called all of my close girlfriends today and told them. Feeling strangely a little more clear headed. It was weighing heavy....
Talked to H yesterday. Why does he say he loves me and misses me? He says he misses our companionship and friendship. What the heck? Maybe he's looking for more of a physical thing with someone. I don't know. This really *ucks. Had dinner with two girlfriends last night. It does help keeping busy! My dance card is full for the weekend visiting with friends and beachwalks. I still wonder what is H doing this Friday night?
Just sent H my first "email" concerning finances. So odd requesting money in such a formal way. It was good to get it all on paper though. Crazy he is now paying for 3 residences, his, mine and D21 (college). His choice.......
Abbey1989...sorry you are going through this...I think I was here the same time you were in 2011.
I am back too. Apparently , my H didn't do the work or is/always will be an alcoholic that won't get help. So here I am ...not sure if there is an A...but how do you really know when there are so many lies. Ick.
I am putting up stronger boundaries this time Sept. is my appt with my lawyer...I will not go through this again. Nor will my kids. He either gets a plan or I am done.
Heh Abbey. I know that sad and lonely phase. It happens all the time to me. Triggered by goodness knows what. But stay strong, keep busy and vent on these forums. My prayers are with you today.
Hang in there. Thanks for being here on the forum.
So H continues to text me everyday...."goodmorning" "goodnight" "hope you are well" "miss you" Part of me is happy to hear from him, and part of me thinks why is he trying to stay in daily contact? HE LEFT ME. Am I supposed to try to make him feel better now when I feel horrible? He didn't call all weekend (I didn't either). And now at 2:00pm on Monday he thinks it is appropriate to call. I didn't answer. Not trying to play games but just not getting what is going on either.
Am I supposed to try to make him feel better now when I feel horrible?
Actually, that's pretty much EXACTLY it. It's pretty twisted, but he is playing the martyr here, and wanting you to basically "exonerate" him for what he's done, and relieve his guilt.
While we say around here that "it's not your job to punish him," (and that's true) -- it's also not your job to RESCUE him.
Starsky
I think that it's designed to make him feel less guilty and to 'comfort' you. Like, "don't think this is easy for me, not pretending I'm just fine, hope it helps you to know I truly do care and hope you have the strength to get through'. My ex said those same things to me.
The question is what is your best plan? You can either do the straight no contact, or you can try to go friend zone. I know true NC isn't possible with children, etc.
Talk to your DB coach for sure. In my case I was told being friendly was better for my WAS, but my sitch is different in many ways. Might turn out that letting him see what he's missing is best, and also gives you some time to learn who you are and set boundaries. Either way this is an important enough decision I would ONLY trust my DB coach on.
Stay strong. I don't know what the stats show as far as reconscilliation and know this can be frustrating, but it doesn't seem terrible that he has a lot of positive associations. True, that may mean other issues must have seemed larger, but then will your growth and 180s make that much more impact?
So over the last month, my 50th bday came and went but H sent me flowers with a card "I Love You" made me happy. He even transferred a good sum of money for a trip that I was taking with my best friend to wine country that weekend. Since then, he has been picking up the dogs, taking them to the dog park, meeting with S23 for dinner now and then and visiting with D20 in Norcal when he has traveled there (but not every time he is there).
So this past Sunday, my S23 and I were at my parent's house for dinner, and a friend text me indicating that one of my son's friends had seen H at a bar with another woman a couple of towns over from where I live. She said she had been struggling with telling me, but that this friend of my sons had taken a picture and did I want to see it? Of course I said yes. Low and behold, it was of him (side view) and the OW I have been suspecting (just the back of her head) but I know it is her. I was so upset, told my son, and I do believe he had a right to know since his friend was the one who had seen H at the bar and took the picture. Well.......my son texted H, H called him and I guess my son really gave it to him. He tried to tell him that he rides bikes in a bike club and they go out for drinks after. Apparently though, this OW had her legs up on his legs at the bar (not in the picture) but son's friend said so. Friend thought it looked like a date.
I've talked to H about it, and since I have kind of known about this for a long time, and did get some clarity about how he got to involved with building her house, and part of why he moved out of our house was to just be finished with it (house and her?) not sure.
So after Monday, none of us were able to reach H either by text, email or phone. We really thought something was terribly wrong. I finally texted him two days later and said if one of us doesn't hear from you before the end of the day I'm going to call OW or police. In addition have I mentioned, none of us actually know where exactly he is living. Is that strange for separated couples?
Anyway, now my H is turning everything around on both of the kids saying they don't believe him all because of stupid picture, and he is livid that someone even took a picture. He told them he has lost all of their respect because of this picture. (Son told me....well he shouldn't be doing sketchy *hit) He has turned it around, trying to make them feel really bad, and that they are hurting him. True....I guess this is none of their business, but all of this has effected our whole family.
Should I just keep out of relationship between H and my kids? They are grown adults. It is just hard to have such disharmony with everything else that is going on. Is H being overly dramatic about this? I think he is finally having to come to terms with the consequences of his actions.
Any advice?
Sorry to hear about your separation. My H's PA was revealed 1 day before our 29th anniversary. He moved out two weeks later saying ILUBNILWU. I feel your pain. I broke down several times today and had to take a xanax just to keep from totally losing it. I recommend trying to find a DivorceCare group in your area to meet with. It's for people who are separated as well as divorced or planning either of those options. My group has just met 3 times and I have found them to be extremely supportive. Also I am all for getting meds from your doctor if needed. One thing I have learned in my DivorceCare group is that the pain one experiences when going through this is as bad or worse than the pain involved with losing a loved one. My H has been gone since June 15th and I am still raw. Hoping to get lots of support and advice from this site.