Old thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2472491#Post2472491H. is out this morning finding boxes so he can pack. I know this is happening, but moments like that when he announces things throw me for big loops.
I called my dad this morning. I then called a lawyer. I've been encouraged by a number of people to create a separation agreement to protect myself, and to do so fairly quickly. This doesn't preclude reconciliation and it helps to protect my assets. H. has already said we should just keep our own assets, so I'm hoping that this goes easily, but I guess that we'll see. It feels like another nail in the coffin, though.
H. is out this morning finding boxes so he can pack. I know this is happening, but moments like that when he announces things throw me for big loops.
I called my dad this morning. I then called a lawyer. I've been encouraged by a number of people to create a separation agreement to protect myself, and to do so fairly quickly. This doesn't preclude reconciliation and it helps to protect my assets. H. has already said we should just keep our own assets, so I'm hoping that this goes easily, but I guess that we'll see. It feels like another nail in the coffin, though.
Megan, I'm sorry. The real possibility of my H moving out very soon has had me in a tailspin lately. (((Hugs)) to you.
I just got in, and H got in a few minutes after me. I told him that I talked to the lawyer about the agreement, and he says we won't need one because we won't go after each other's stuff.
He also said that if he gets his things packed up and shipped today, he might just leave tomorrow. I wasn't expecting that, and it was hard to hear. I just said, "okay". He sighed a bit and made a weird face at me. I got the impression that he expected something more or different from me. I just said, "what" and he kind of sighed again, started to say something, and then switched to, "I just have a lot to do." I have no idea what that was about.
Now, the important stuff:
I could use thoughts on whether it's best to be here or to be away when he leaves. Being here sounds awful, and I have no idea what I would even say. But being away leaves me feeling like a coward, like I can't face my own husband.
And, if I do stay, what kind of things do I say when he leaves?
Ugh - I would say be away if it helps your own sanity. No shame in self-preservation.
I don't think I could be there for that.
Absolutely be away. This is hard enough. You are no coward.
HUGS.
Hi Meghan,
I'm going to go the other way and say stay if you can (but I already warned you it is hard). He's leaving, not you and it gives you a few days to try to put on a brave face and give him some memories of you that you are proud of. Don't engage in any major way, just watch. As I said on your old thread - yoga is a great. Have a drink after work with friends. But stay in the house if you can.
When my H left he did comment on how I was out doing things and that he'd need to start doing the same (rather than moping around). I didn't know that I was DBing at the time but given the limited times we've interacted since I think it is important that he recognized I was getting out there and could take care of myself. Now my goal is to show him that I still am.
ganb8te, I'm unclear on whether this is a trial separation or a pre-divorce separation too, but my gut feeling is that right now he feels like it's the latter. I'm not sure if I want to know or not. I'm also not sure if I should be talking to him about what kind of separation this is and if and when we should be checking in with each other.
Can I ask how you approached this topic with your H.? I'm concerned H. would see this as pursuing or trying to change his mind or keep him trapped right now.
You asked me this on your old thread…bringing it across.
If you read my story you'll see that it was the MC who seemed to push this from trial separation into pre-divorce territory in my sitch. Actually there was a point at which she said to "It sounds like this is a separation" to which he responded in an annoyed tone "Yes it is a separation!" I was thinking - use some more specific terms already, I know we are separating! We argued after the counseling session but that is when I asked him to put a timeframe on it and we agreed to 3 months.
Actually, I don't think it's useful to categorize as trial vs pre-divorce as at this point (things change when you are on your own - it will for him too) but if you can try to get a timeline for your own mindsake I think it would be helpful.
Read Taking Space by Buchicchio.
If I did stay, I'm trying to work out what I'd say.
"I love you", "please stay", or anything along those lines is clearly out.
"Have a nice life" is just passive aggressive, and "it's been good/interesting/a slice" just seems trite.
"Goodbye" doesn't seem like enough.
"I hope you find what makes you happy" might work, but I'm not sure.
How do you say goodbye after 10 years together and 4 years married?
It has suddenly struck me that someone's going to have to say goodbye anyway, even if I leave first.
Right now, the leading contender is to leave and just say, "I'm sorry things didn't work out for us. I hope you find what makes you happy. Goodbye."
Meghan, I was there when my W moved out. I stayed kind of distant, not actively helping, and not hovering, but I was there. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Like you said, someone has to leave first, and since I was staying, that meant that she had to leave on her terms, not me leaving because of her terms. Whether it was the smart or the right thing to do, I don't know, but if I had to do it again, I think I'd do the same.
As for what was said, W just said "We'll get through this. Both of us." And I simply smiled, said "goodbye", gave her a kiss on the forehead, and went in the house.
Stay strong, we're all behind you.
I'm deeply concerned that if I'm here and he leaves that I'll just wind up collapsing on the floor weeping. Wouldn't be the first time, unfortunately. I get overcome really easily.
I don't know that that's the last impression that I want to leave.
I suppose I can see how I feel tomorrow. Sleep might help. Sometimes I feel better in the mornings.
And H. just told me he's getting picked up at 9:30 tomorrow, so I guess that's that.
It's not THAT, it's just the beginning of the next phase.
I'll be thinking of you.
Thanks, Maybell. I do know it's just the start of the next thing, and I'll be thinking through that here very soon, I imagine.
I guess I've just been holding out this small bit of hope that he'll have a sudden change of heart and that we could work on things and make them better.
I know this is really hard, but look at how great for you the last three weeks have been. If he'd had a last-minute change of heart would you have believed in it? Would it have been deep enough?
This isn't fun, but you are on track for it to be worth it.
I'm not sure how useful this is, but I'm holding onto a bit of the anger from today.
He didn't tell me he was leaving tomorrow until late in the afternoon, which has made it more difficult to deal with some of the things that need dealing with, like joint accounts and separation agreements.
He took another 3 hour walk today - after complaining to me about how much he had to do - presumably to avoid me.
He didn't tell me he was leaving at 9:30 until not long ago, although I doubt he booked his travel so late. And he did on his way to a long bathroom break, I guess so he wouldn't see me for awhile.
This all feels immature and juvenile. I get that he's hurting too, and this is hard for him. He has things that need to be taken care of. I'm trying to be kind and compassionate while still being neutral, but I'm also annoyed and feeling frustrated with his actions.
Maybell, at this point I wouldn't have believed him, I don't think. That's a good point. I suspect I would have assumed the change of heart was because he realised he has a pretty good thing here, and there are many things that he'll need to deal with if he leaves. And, I probably would have dreaded going back to the way things were. We both need to do work, and I don't know that I would have wanted him to stay without seeing any of that work being done first, because he's been so resistant to it so far.
Watching him pack up his stuff has made our life together seem so small. Some clothes, a few books, some pictures. He's not leaving with much. I know a relationship is so much, more than this, but it's hard to see all the same.
Watching him pack up his stuff has made our life together seem so small. Some clothes, a few books, some pictures. He's not leaving with much. I know a relationship is so much, more than this, but it's hard to see all the same.
Yea, I can relate. It was really sad and unsettling to see our house packed up and put into storage. It seemed like at the time every single useless item tucked away in a box in the garage all of the sudden had a story behind it. All I can say is you will get past this feeling of being down soon enough.
Hang in there...
Meghan, I can hear the pain in your words about your h packing up the things that have made a life together. I return from my trip on Saturday and my husband is doing the same that night. My heart aches at the thought of the emptiness he'll leave behind, literally and figuratively. So, I'm sending hugs to you. I'll need them on Saturday myself.
T minus 2 hours until H. leaves. Just trying to hold it together well enough to put my best foot forward.
Stay strong girl!! My WAW just moved into her new home. Our old house is empty. As if our life together means nothing. But you will get through this and who knows what the next phase may bring!!! My thoughts are with you.
Thank you all for the support. I am looking forward and remembering this is just a new phase. It just feels like a huge, huge loss right now.
Good luck Meghan!
Be happy your H is packing up, mine moved out and left all his stuff behind, even his dirty clothes on the floor by the bed!?!
I feel for you, come here and complain after he goes. We're here for you.
Big hugs,
Lisa
Can't stop shaking, but haven't quite started crying yet although the tears are right there.
Hold it together, hold it together, hold it together...
I'm so sorry Meghan. Hang in there. We're here for u.
Meghan, so sorry this is happening. Wishing you a wonderful distraction today!
Meghan -
Sending hugs your way. Hoping for some glimmer of light for you today. It's there somewhere!!!
I'm so sorry, Meghan.
You will get through this. It may not be pretty but you'll get through it. ((( )))
He's gone. He was putting on his shoes, and said, "I don't know if I'm supposed to say anything". I asked if there was anything that he wanted to say. he just said "I'm sorry" and I said the same, followed by "I hope you find happiness." He said, "I hope you do too." And then he had to leave.
I locked the door behind him. I didn't cry until after he left, but I haven't stopped since.
After this morning, I'm obsessed with the idea of trying to check his email to see if his online friend was something more. I guess it's about feeling like I have control or like I could know what was actually going on. I know it's not a good idea and I don't know what it would change now, but the urge is incredibly strong.
No snooping. Don't do it.
Seriously - what does it change?
I have constant urges to snoop. But it only hurts myself. I will either find nothing or something bad that I cannot un-see. I have realized that if there is actually some good news or something of value they will let me know - otherwise assume nothing. Trying to follow my own advice.
Now I feel like the black pot kettle caller. :|
It wouldn't change anything. I tend to think that knowing would make me feel better, but it likely wouldn't. I suspect that I'm trying to make sense out of a situation that has no sense to it, which is a hard, hard thing.
Looks like I'm going to be doing a lot of journaling today.
I can see H. is online, but I won't be contacting him, not even to mention a few of the things he's left behind. If he wants them, he can get in touch with me.
Being in the apartment is hard. It feels empty, and there are reminders of him absolutely everywhere. Stupid things, too. his salad dressing. A stray sock. Pillows. A pack of q-tips. Every time I see something like that, I feel like someone's punched me.
I feel like I should move things for a fresh perspective, and so I'm no longer sleeping in the living room. But I'm resistant to it, too. It feels like if I left things the way they are, everything will magically be okay.
He left behind a little 3D printed scan of me. That one smarted.
Being in the apartment is hard. It feels empty, and there are reminders of him absolutely everywhere. Stupid things, too. his salad dressing. A stray sock. Pillows. A pack of q-tips.
That's what trash bags are for.
Sorry, I'm listening to my "good riddance" playlist and feeling a little feisty. I do feel for you (((hugs))). And remind me I said that later when I am having the same feelings.
A good riddance playlist! Do tell, what's on it?
The Chain by Fleetwood Mac? She's Waiting by Eric Clapton? Song for the Dumped by Ben Folds? You're No Good by Linda Ronstandt?
I mean, I'm just curious...
Trash bags. Get some. This will be cathartic.
And I LOVE the idea of moving stuff around. 180s! Do it! You're the boss of you right now!
A good riddance playlist! Do tell, what's on it?
So far...
Feel a Whole Lot Better by Tom Petty
Good Riddance by Green Day
Hit the Road Jack by Ray Charles
The Sign by Ace of Base
Since U Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson
Roll with the Changes by REO Speedwagon
So What by Pink
Walk Away by Kelly Clarkson
These Boots are Made for Walkin' by Nancy Sinatra
Gives you Hell by The All-American Rejects
Goodbye to You by Scandal
Over You by Daughtry
Picture to Burn by Taylor Swift
Thanks for the playlist - I'm going to give that a try.
I've reclaimed the bedroom for my own. No more sleeping on a futon in the living room. Not sure how I feel about that right now since it's become so normal, but I'm sure it will feel better in time.
Up next: a run around the apartment with a garbage bag.
It's been an up and down afternoon, but a bit more up than I would have expected.
I've largely reclaimed the bedroom and removed a bunch of pretty gross bedding and other stuff, which helped me focus on the anger rather than the sadness. I've played music, danced around a bit, and generally tried to relax. Dinner's cooking now, and I've pulled out some vegetarian cookbooks to find some new recipes to try.
On top of that, I got some good news about some funding opportunities that I applied for at work. This will likely be a boon for my career, and I'm pleased. The news made me feel more confident and like my life is a bit better already, which was really helpful today. It was hard not telling H., but I called some friends and my parents.
Right now, I'm considering whether I should be posting some stuff - like the funding news - on Facebook. I'm not much of a Facebook user, but I'd like to be more involved, I think, and it would have the added benefit of showing H. that my life is going well and things are getting done without him.
A few notes at the end of separation day to remind myself of some good stuff (sentiments may change depending on the day as I move forward):
The apartment that I felt was too small feels positively palatial now. Not having a bed in the living room helps with this a good deal.
In a very related note, not sleeping in the living room looks like it could be lovely.
I'm excited that I can arrange the apartment any way that I want - put candles out, hang whatever pictures I want wherever I want, and all that jazz.
H. left a bunch of gross stuff behind - this further highlights that if we do wind up trying again in the future, some things will definitely have to change.
There are sad moments when I come across things like framed mementos or things that he made for me. But I've noticed that most of these things are from years ago and are not recent. Telling? Perhaps. Could mean a bunch of things, though.
In general, I'm feeling okay. I'm sad a lot. There are things I wish I could share with him now - funny things I read, a hug at the end of the day, my good news from earlier. But there's a clear undercurrent of freedom that I'm feeling right now that is really helping to bolster me. Things will be okay in the end, no matter how this turns out.
You sound good. Good for you. Things will be ok, and likely even much better in the long run. Hang in there
Things will be okay in the end, no matter how this turns out.
True dat.
Making a list of things I actually
liked about NOT living with him helped me get over the sadness when he officially moved out.
Absolutely.
I saw a film today about repairing the Hubble telescope. The astronaut had to remove thirty-two tiny screws to get into the compartment to make the repair. He's standing in a space suit wearing gloves, handling an expensive screwdriver doing precision work in what feels like oven mitts. If he snags the gloves on a screw or a rough edge his suit could decompress and he will die in the vacuum of space.
He said, when I stand out there to unscrew 32 tiny screws, I don't think about all 32 screws. I just unscrew one. In that moment, that's the only screw I need to unscrew. When I'm done, I move on to the next one.
Words to live by.
I am, oddly enough, feeling better than I thought. The first part of the day was not good - lots of crying, lots of obsessing about whether he had an emotional affairs, lots of freaking out about what he'd be doing when he's away from me and had freedom.
But then I played some music and started rearranging the apartment, and I felt better. And I got a nice message from my aunt (my dad's told the rest of the family now), and that was nice. And then I got an email about the grant funding that I applied for, and I felt even better, especially after a friend said, "see, your life is improving already!" And I made myself a good dinner, set up the bed and bedroom so I'll be comfy tonight, and watched some TV, and things felt okay.
Claire - the list of things I like about being on my own has really helped too. It's easy to see everything that feels like a major loss right now, but there are benefits in there. Eating and cooking what I want. No longer sleeping in the living room. No more having to explain my book collection or why I own two typewriters. More time to spend with friends. No sharing the bathroom.
There will be a lot more down moments, I'm sure. Not every day is going to be awesome, or even that good. I'm still holding out a bit of hope that H. might come around and we can work through this, but that may not come to pass. There may be negative interactions along the way, or no interactions at all for a good long while.
For now, I'm focusing on those screws, Maybell, and getting through one little thing - and usually one little thing that's mostly for me - at a time. In the words of an old folk song, "Step by step the longest march can be won, can be won." Just have to keep going - the only way out is through.
Hi Meghan, I had the same exact experience when my H moved out. Super sad but then I started rearranging stuff and cleaning up and actually felt happy to have the house to myself without his "gross" stuff as you said. Exactly!
Then when he told me he found a place with a year lease I was not as sad as I could have been because I thought to myself "I like living alone for now without your dirty socks and dishes, pig."
Good luck in the next few days. Get ready for ups and downs, it's usually quite the rollercoaster!
And yeah, don't snoop. It just hurts you, even though you feel you may be empowered by the truth, it just hurts like h#ll. You may not find an EA but you may find him saying bad stuff about you and the R that you don't want to see.
Hugs, LisaB
Good points, Lisa. If nothing else, my moral compass won't let me snoop, I don't think, there's just this sense of feeling like if I knew more I could be more in control, or have more answers, or maybe even have an easier thing to blame him for or get angry about.
None of that solves the real issues, though, and none of that is even necessarily true.
For now, the plan is to stay out of contact and focus on me. It was nice to sleep in an actual bed last night, and I'm setting up the apartment so it works for me. I'm seeing lots of opportunities that I didn't before. I can have people over now that there's not a bed in the living room. I can have a dedicated meditation and yoga space. There's more room for projects that I've been putting off.
I'm sad this morning - really sad. The feelings of loss are still going strong in spite of everything else, as are thoughts and questions about what he's doing now and, possibly, with whom. I'm doing what I can to get through it. I'm going to go for a bike ride, make a nice lunch, and spend some more time making this place the way I want it. If I'm up for it, I may try for a bit of work - it could be a good distraction and I'm feeling behind.
You have good plans. Don't worry about your H.
Have a great day!
Yeah you sound super awesome! I think you're going to do great with or without him. Maybe you'll even realize you are glad he left and you'll have a better life without him. It really sounds like you are terrific. I'll bet he realizes he screwed up and will come running back. And if he doesn't, he's the fool.
Have a great day today!
hugs, Lisa
You're doing amazing Meghan. I'm incredibly impressed that you are already working to get focused on yourself. You go!
Today went largely well - a bike ride, more cleaning and rearranging, and some good meals all left me feeling okay. Dealing with some more of his mess and the things he's left me to deal with were also good reminders that there are challenges that need to be dealt with. I listened to some empowering music, gave some thought to what I'd like to do with myself going forward, and took some time to appreciate all of the good I have in my life. On top of that, my dad and a friend both sent me lovely emails telling me that they're so proud of me, which was really, really nice.
But then, this evening, I was cleaning and came across a poster that I got the first time I went to visit H. from a place that we went together. We were crazy in love, and I've held onto it ever since because there are such strong memories associated with it. It was a wonderful visit, and I sat down and wept remembering it and realising how far we've gotten from that time and place. When I was done crying, I got up to clean a bit more, and found a cookbook open to one of his favourite recipes and I started all over again, feeling terrified that we'd never eat that meal together again.
It is what it is, I suppose. There's nothing really to be done about it now, other than keeping quiet and living my life as best I can right now. I'm pleased that I'm doing better than I thought I would be, but the moments of heartbreak are still crushing and a heavy reminder of what I feel I've lost.
((hugs))
It is normal, and healthy, to grieve. Allow yourself to feel those feelings. You have to, in order to move past them. I am 10 months in, and it took at least 4-5 months before I wasn't crying almost every day.
I'm just short of four months in on separation. You've seen a lot of how it is for me. You got a good head start the last few weeks. You'll be amazed at how much support there is for you if you let people know you need it.
Hugs!
It does feel like a release to grieve. I probably should have seen it coming - I went from being energized and excited to gradually feeling quieter and more sensitive as the evening came on, and finding that poster was just the straw the broke the camel's back. It does feel good to get the emotions out, though - very cathartic.
Thankfully, there has been a lot of support - I'm seeing at least two friends this weekend, and all of my friends have been wonderful about taking care of me. I haven't always been so good at asking for what I need, but I've learned through this process that if I ask, I often get even more than I expect. I've started looking for a gift for every one of them - I can't ever thank them enough, but a small token of thanks seemed like a good idea.
Actually, when I was out today looking for something for a friend, I picked up something for me, too. It seems a bit silly, but I bought myself a small statue that I happened across at the thrift store as a bit of a talisman. It's a ram, and when I saw it it made me think of independence, determination, strength, and power, all things that I want to work on in myself. It sits on the corner of my desk now, and I remind myself of those things every time I see it.
You are doing ok Meghan. We all have our off days but you are in a better place than a lot here. I know that doesn't help u perhaps but stay strong. You'll get to the other side soon.... and stronger for it
I think you're doing great too!
I definitely think it helps to let it out and cry sometimes. When I cry, it's for less than 5 minutes and I always feel better afterward, vs. bottling up the emotion and walking around wounded all day.
I'm glad you're getting the support you need from your friends, and I hope your ram continues to bring you strength. (Are you an Aries, by any chance? I'm a Taurus, and my dad collected bull figurines because he worked in the financial sector. I'm thinking of pulling out the bull I have from his collection and setting it out to remind me how strong I am too!)
Yes, grief. Too often we're told to put on a happy face, buck-up, move on.
When we bury pain, it comes out sideways, affects us in other ways.
This from a favorite writer, Anne Lamott: "We cried a lot, but agreed to let our hearts stay broken for awhile, because that is how light, grace and healing can get in, through the armor."
My porridge was a little saltier then normal this morning and I didn't even have a poster or cookbook to set me off.
I look at yours, Maybell's and Claire7's posts and you all support each other marvellously. I think yor doing a great job, I really do.
Thanks for checking in and the kind words, everyone. I seem to have inadvertently taken a couple of days off from being here. I think this is a good thing - I've just been out doing things and taking care of stuff.
I've been a little up and down - probably more up than down, although today has been somewhat emotional. There are still a lot of triggers. I went grocery shopping just for me for the first time in a long time, and as I turned into the cereal, I though, "I'd give anything to have him back and be buying that stupid cereal he likes". It seems that everywhere I go I hear songs on the radio that we used to sing along to, see books that we've read together, or think of things that I want to tell him about. There are moments where it's been a real struggle to not just collapse to the ground in public and wail for awhile.
All these little mind traps keep cropping up, too. Not knowing where he is or what he's doing is hard. When he went home to visit, he got a new cell number because he was out of the country. I realised today he never gave it to me, so he now has a primary phone number that I don't know. I also find myself wondering where he is and what he's doing based on what IM account he's logged in on. I still wonder about his online friend, and it pains me that he must be talking to her more than he talks to me now, since he's not talking to me at all.
I saw both counselors yesterday. Both told me (numerous times) that I seemed a lot lighter and smiled a lot more than they'd seen in ages (well, actually, the MC said he's never seen me like this, which is true). He also confirmed that there wasn't a lot that I could have done with H. as disengaged as he was in counseling. We talked a bit about our last session - the one where the MC asked me directly about my issues, and H. got angry with me when I menntioned them. MC and I talked really frankly about the fact that I could see my contributions to this breakdown, but that H. has consistently denied his and gets really angry whenever anything about him gets brought up as a point of contention.
I said outright that the last few months have been hell, that I've been pushing aside my feelings and issues even in counseling, and that I've been agreeing with H. more than I would like because it seemed to be the only way to maybe get things stable enough to get him to do the work, and to keep what was already a tense situation from devolving into much greater anger on his part.
I think MC was concerned with the issues that I had and the fact that they weren't being brought up or recognized. I don't think he realised how far back they go or how fundamental they were (and, to be fair, I didn't really either). He did say that people have a tendency to adapt to greater levels of discomfort, so it's not surprising that I was able to pretend like everything that was going on was fine.
I've also had a chance to think more about what I want and need when talking with friends. When considering marriage with H. I never had grandiose visions of what our lives together would be like. I wasn't imagining houses in Toronto, New York, and LA. Or weekends in Paris. Or lots of cars in the driveway. I imagined tea in the mornings and reading the paper together. Going to the farmer's market. Maybe the odd weekend trip to Montreal. Possibly a small car so we could go places together. A little house at some point, with a spare bedroom so maybe we could have guests. Movie nights on Saturdays.
I got that last one - often after he got up at 3 or 4 or even 5 in the afternoon - but most of these things never happened, and it never felt like they were things we were really doing or even working towards. I'm not going to sit here and blame him for that, but it was a dynamic that we had and if we were ever to try to reconcile, I don't want to not get some of these pretty basic things.
On the more positive side, having a loaner car for a week (I don't own one) had made it a lot easier for me to get out and about and do things to take care of me. I've had some lunches out ad done a really big grocery run. I've also done some secondhand shopping - my favourite kind - and it seems that thrift store gods have granted some of my longstanding wishes for household goods. I got some new furniture for the apartment, dishes, glasses, cutlery, picture frames, books and various other things, so it feels a lot more like my space now, and perhaps even a space where I could actually have people over comfortably.
So, in short, I think I'm in an okay place. There are some things I need to think through and figure out that I'll be posting about here, but if nothing else, there's a huge sense of relief in my life right now. I get a bit of a break and I can heal. I'm doing the things that I need to and want to do. And, if nothing else, I'm cat sitting this week, and once a day I get to cuddle a small furry creature that seems to adore me and who purrs and headbutts my chin every five seconds after I pick him up.
Meghan, I'm so happy to hear from you! You sound great.
It's an adjustment to be sure, but it gets easier (though you sound pretty good). I realized two days ago that I can listen to my favorite station on Pandora without bursting into tears. It made me feel more comfortable in my own skin.
I'm raising a virtual glass to you, happy housewarming!
Thanks, Maybell - I'm trying to keep in mind that it's been less than a week since he left and that this is going to be a process. I think the grieving's important, and I don't really have a problem with the sad moments and the feelings of loss, particularly when I remember the good stuff that we had together.
It's more the other stuff that I could do without. I'm not in contact, but some of the hardest times are when I get obsessed with where he is, what he's doing, and who he's doing it with.
I suspect this happens because I can tell based on his IM accounts whether he's at his computer or not. And if he's not at his computer, I start to wonder. He was almost always on his computer when he was here because he almost never went out. And so now I want to know where, what, and who.
But I think it goes deeper than that (I seem to be on a roll here - revelation time, perhaps?) One of the issues in our relationship was that I think I felt like I wasn't worth doing some things for - getting up earlier, taking a job, going out to gatherings or events with, stuff like that. So seeing that he's out doing something (not that I know what), and that he can do those things and just chose not to with me, is really hard to take right now.
And, on top of that, this ties into my fears that someone else will get what I've been referring to as Husband 2.0 - the improved version of H. that I still want. The idea that someone else - online friend, perhaps - could wind up with all of the good stuff that I now miss plus all of the things that I wanted to change is both maddening and heartbreaking. And those are the moments that it's hardest to deal with right now.
I don't know who will get Husband 2.0, but I can guarantee you it won't be the 18 yo online friend.
Stay well and keep in touch.
I suspect this happens because I can tell based on his IM accounts whether he's at his computer or not. And if he's not at his computer, I start to wonder. He was almost always on his computer when he was here because he almost never went out. And so now I want to know where, what, and who.
Hi Meghan. After I read this particular paragraph I thought I'd let you know about a little trick I have figured out for myself based on my own mindreading issues.
Whenever I let myself mindread, it's inevitably negative. E.G. Maybe he's joined Facebook to meet women, etc.
So, now, I force myself to offer a "flipped" version of the mindread as well. E.G. Maybe he's joined Facebook to see what I am up to.
Once I have both versions, I force myself to stop thinking about it.
It might not work for everyone, but it's been working wonders for me.
Oh Vossy I like your flipped version of mindreading. I am going to try that too!
Thanks, vossy - I'm going to try the flipped mindreading, too. It's hard at this point - all I see are the negative reasons, and lots of them - but I'd really like to feel better about this.
I saw him come online this morning at 8:20. The only time he's been up at 8:20 in the last few years is for appointments. Most good days he wasn't up until noon. On bad ones, it was more like 4 in the afternoon.
I wonder what he's doing now and why he's up. But more than that, I wonder why for all those years I wasn't worth getting up for. Because clearly he CAN get up. He just wouldn't do it for me.
My mind thinks: he's up early because he's got a job, which means that we'll never be together again. Or, he has an job interview, also so he can stay away from me and cover his own expenses. Or, he's up early so he can talk to his online friend, or perhaps go meet her.
But maybe he's up because he's having trouble sleeping after leaving. Or because his stomach's acting up again. Or because his sleep is interrupted. Or, to spend time with family. Or, because he doesn't want his family to see how late his usually sleeps, possibly because that would disrupt his narrative of why we were having problems and highlight some of his issues rather than mine.
I wish I had more reasons that I could believe that focus on him being upset with his decision, but I just don't. Looks like today's going to be an emotional day.
The list you came up with is pretty good.
How did you sleep last night?
I slept fine, but woke a bit earlier than I'd like, which is pretty much par for the course these days. I am sleeping better than I have in awhile, though, which is nice.
I've got some things I need to start thinking through today about how to proceed going forward, but it's also bringing up some questions about where this is going. How we left things and the thought that he's getting a job and an apartment in another city and another country, and a city that the online friend may soon be in as well, has left me with not a lot of hope for reconciling, which is probably where these emotional few days have come from. I'll write some more about that later, though.
I really, really think you need to minimize the importance of the online friend. Whatever else she may be, she's not real to him. She's a construct. For all he knows she's a 45 yo tobacco chewing guy sitting in his tighty-whities pretending to be a hot 18 yo chick that really gets him.
Don't know if you'll reconcile or not. But either way you deserve to be happy.
If I had realized he wasn't getting out of bed before 3 or 4 in the afternoon I would have asked you a few different questions. If that's how he spent his time how could he possibly have experienced enough of married life to even have any complaints?
Meghan,
I just caught up on your sitch. I know it is difficult, however, worrying about why you h is online, isn't online, isn't a worthwhile endeavor. And really- you can't control what he does or thinks. It's wasted energy that could be spent elsewhere. You will get there in time:-)
I saw your comment about the next person getting the improved h 2.0. That really resonated with me because I think many of us here secretly *fear* that. A wise vet posted on my thread that marriage and kids are not for the weak. My suffers from clinical depression, severe anxiety and is going through an obvious midlife crisis. I loved him-not the man he is now. I neglected my m and I readily admit that. However, I'm going to be blatantly honest. His college girlfriend is getting a man who walked out on his wife who supported him for 13 years and 3 kids, with 2 marriages under his belt, severe depression and anxiety, who lies about still being married with an inability and lack of desire in addressing his many issues, who has a tenuous R with his kids at best, and who has said he can't stand his oldest son because he reminds of himself. I do apologize for the hijack and wanted to give perspective. I do have compassion for his mental illness however I must protect myself and my kids. My point is, in order for someone to get the new improved version of your h, he would have to be improved. Does running from your issues improve someone?Doesn't sound like he's there.
Hang in there! You are doing better than you know:-)
My point is, in order for someone to get the new improved version of your h, he would have to be improved. Does running from your issues improve someone?
Georgiabelle I love this. I don't see that my H is working on himself at all, in fact he doesn't see the need to, everything is my fault you know. OW doesn't know what she's getting into.
Rpp,
I certainly don't want to absolve myself for things I did wrong in my m. I allowed a great deal of resentment to build up in my and I was exhausted. I tried to do everything to keep everyone a float. A very bad idea on my part. I should not have allowed that to happen and discussed it with my h. That's why it's so important to improve yourself. You can't improve anyone else.
However, it does take 2 to make it work. I think we incorrectly assume that if someone leaves then ultimately they too will be looking at themselves. It does happen although offer times it doesn't. Just my two cents.
As always, thanks for the words of advice and commiseration. Today was an emotional day, with the same issues and fears coming up again and again.
I think there's a lot of wisdom in the idea that he's unlikely to have changed, especially at this point. I've been willing to acknowledge and work hard on my issues, but he's seen nothing wrong with anything he's done, and views himself as being the only one who's put in any effort. I'll readily admit that I neglected my marriage, too, and that there's a lot that I could and should have done differently. I've seen none of the same self-examination from him, though.
This suggests to me that he's not looking at himself and will still be the same person who avoids responsibility and puts the blame for issues on someone else. And, even if he's making changes like losing weight and getting a job now, he's doing those things for himself and because he has to, not because he's invested in working together with someone else to build a life together.
^^ That is what makes this so difficult, right? It's like, we know it's POSSIBLE, in theory, to rebuild the M and be happy together. We are doing our part! But it would take a lot of work on their part, too. And we are not in control of whether they are willing or able to do their part.
Agreed, Claire. This has been one of my biggest frustrations - seeing where we could be if we both looked at where we are and how we got here and put in some work to make things better. I've been doing the work and would be willing to do a lot more - and do it alone for some time, if need be - but you're right that we have no control over what they do.
I think sometimes the work is scary, or it seems like it will be too much work, or they think they can't get past the resentment to forgive, or they don't want to give any more time, or they've just got other things going on and don't want to. It's a hard place to be in when the potential seems to be right there but you're the only one who can see it and the only one willing to work for it.
For myself... Sometimes I feel that as hard as I *want* to make certain changes and I succeed in making them with my kids and other people, with him I just find myself slipping backwards before I even realize where I am. It's so frustrating, and makes me wonder if he & I could succeed if he got his head around it. If I have these doubts, and I know what's at stake and that I actually believe it's worth the effort, how much more hopeless must it look to the person whose instinct was to walk?
My IC has talked about emotional intelligence. I'm beginning to feel that's next on my reading list. For myself.
Sending warmth, ladies. I feel blessed to know you anonymously.
Maybell, I hear you (um, I was a TOTAL wreck all day in anticipation of this meeting with H tonight). But I honestly think that if he also showed a willingness to work through things as a team, I would probably respond differently. We'd be able to communicate so much more openly about our fears and concerns.
And, though our heart is so invested in our kids, it's just a different relationship than with a spouse. We'd have to be pretty horrendous for our kids to not have any response to our positive changes and efforts, and we'd never drop the rope on them.
As for "others" (friends, colleagues, etc)-- the stakes are just not as high.
But you make a great point-- it must seem so hopeless to them.
I think there's a lot of wisdom in the idea that he's unlikely to have changed, especially at this point. I've been willing to acknowledge and work hard on my issues, but he's seen nothing wrong with anything he's done, and views himself as being the only one who's put in any effort. I'll readily admit that I neglected my marriage, too, and that there's a lot that I could and should have done differently. I've seen none of the same self-examination from him, though.
This suggests to me that he's not looking at himself and will still be the same person who avoids responsibility and puts the blame for issues on someone else. And, even if he's making changes like losing weight and getting a job now, he's doing those things for himself and because he has to, not because he's invested in working together with someone else to build a life together.
Gah, this is so familiar I could have written it myself. Are we married to the same man and he's leaving us both?
.
My h says he's working on himself but I have a feeling that means he's dwelling deeply on all my wrongs and how broken he is from them (which I understand because I neglected our marriage, too). He's a proud over-thinker (he thinks this means he's working on himself by thinking about his pain constantly) but he's profoundly negative which certainly does not help the situation. His life is hell, his wife is a b!tch, he is just waiting to die, he hasn't been happy for years, hates our home, and is overweight because of me.
It's a tough burden to be SO at fault for the demise of our marriage.
I think there's a lot of wisdom in the idea that he's unlikely to have changed, especially at this point. I've been willing to acknowledge and work hard on my issues, but he's seen nothing wrong with anything he's done, and views himself as being the only one who's put in any effort. I'll readily admit that I neglected my marriage, too, and that there's a lot that I could and should have done differently. I've seen none of the same self-examination from him, though.
This suggests to me that he's not looking at himself and will still be the same person who avoids responsibility and puts the blame for issues on someone else. And, even if he's making changes like losing weight and getting a job now, he's doing those things for himself and because he has to, not because he's invested in working together with someone else to build a life together.
^^This^^
Maybe the one guy is married to all three of us.
Nope, Mae that four, he's the 100% victim.
He worked his way single handly in less than a year of my list of deal breakers.
His list included me having meno, child wanting a dog, being jealous of my son needng attention. The list just goes on.
The only things I see my h working on is selling things and an ow! We all know an ow fixes it right?
I'm tired, I'm old I need me a wife!
Jeepers, we should all get together and have a party to celebrate how much to blame we all are for everything that's wrong in our partners' lives. For the record, I'm the reason he's left his hometown, doesn't have family close by, doesn't have friends, doesn't have a job, and feels worthless. Because clearly he has no agency. It's not like he could go out and make friends. Or like he was offered two jobs two years ago that he could have taken...oh...wait...my bad. That totally happened and he turned them down.
I really appreciate the commiseration. All of the sadness of the past few days came together this afternoon. I went out to finally buy myself a new bed and bedding to go with. It was supposed to be a good, moving forward, doing something good for me kind of thing, but I wound up driving around in tears for a bunch of the afternoon.
The emotion was down to a few things. First, just feeling sad that he should have been there doing this with me, and that it would have been nice to do together and to plan out what we wanted and then enjoy it. Then, some anger and upset that we hadn't done this together, and that not doing it was at least partly related to things like not sleeping in the same bed and living on one small salary that were at least somewhat fixable.
I was also remembering that when we started dating he got new bed linens in kinds that I liked. It was sweet and caring and I miss those aspects of him. And I wondered if he was doing the same thing now for his online friend as he makes a life for himself without me. I'd forgotten until just the other day that she'll be starting college in his city soon, so they're going to be in much closer proximity, and knowing that hasn't been easy with everything that's happened recently.
I'm trying not to dwell on it and am focusing on the good stuff in my life and getting work done as much as possible. I haven't been tempted to reach out to him or to do anything other than to let myself feel what I feel and then move on from it. It feels like there's still a whole lot of grief to get through, though. There are bound to be rough days. I guess this was one of them.
A reminder to myself:
Living well is the best revenge.
Living well does not include sitting on the couch trying to figure out why H. isn't at his computer and then Googling his online friend.
Living well does include setting up your new bed frame, listening to music and singing along, dancing in the kitchen, eating good food, reading mystery novels in bed until late, using the good linen with dinner just because, and calling a friend just to chat.
Go. Do those things. Live well.
Precisely.
Since there's been a lot of talk recently about partners walking away who are unable to acknowledge or deal with their issues, I was wondering if anyone had any thoughts of coping with feelings of "I wasn't worth it".
This is something I've been struggling with recently. I've felt - for awhile, I guess - like I was only worth putting in a minimum of effort. He'd try his hand at writing from home, but wouldn't take a job that he felt was beneath him or didn't pay enough. He'd do the dishes and the laundry, but not vacuum or mop.
These were things that I mentioned as part of my complaints about feeling like I had too much responsibility. It felt like not a lot happened, though. The writing and some extra housework like making bread were the result, but it didn't feel like a lot at the time.
I also didn't feel like I was worth doing things with. It was difficult to get him to get togethers or to events. On Saturdays, my one consistent day off, he'd often sleep until sometime after three, so we wouldn't really do anything together.
And now that he's left, I feel like I wasn't worth working on things with. I know he feels like he's put in excessive amounts of time and effort already and can't put in any more. I also know he feels like this is the only way for him to be happy.
It's a crushing feeling that you weren't worth someone doing things with or for you, particularly around stepping up and trying to fix things that went wrong. I guess the question is, do you feel like your partner didn't think you were "worth it", either during the relationship or after they walked away? And, if so, how do you deal with those feelings?
Meghan, you seem like a really great person.
It's not YOU, it's HIM.
Honestly? From what you post, it seems like he has issues with depression.
Meghan, I thought of that more frequently before BD, but since he's left I've been able to think more clearly about things.
Your H chose to marry you. And then over time he gave up. You spoke about what you needed. Did he? Or did he start sleeping later and later? Does that have to do with your worth to him or his idea of how a great relationship could transform his life?
I don't think his failures have to do with your worth to him. I think they have to do with his poor life skills and lack of confidence. The way he's treated his career shows the same.
Detaching is about not taking all this personally. It's about letting him own his mess. This isn't about your worth at all, Meghan. It's about his sense of his own.
Yeah, I totally get where your coming from.
Our 11years was worthless, new soul mate totally worth it. His words not mine.
Used up worthless rubbish, I got called.
Yes, I so do struggle now. I would live to be asked out, but I think I would totally
from stress.
Hi Meghan, New to your thread- but your last post struck a chord. I want to say emphatically, without even knowing you at all, that this has absolutely nothing to do with you being "worth it". But I've had those feelings too, and I wish I had a better answer for how to deal with them - I think they are just natural.
It's your WAS who felt that he wan't worth the time and effort to build and maintain a strong marriage.
I also want to echo the other poster's comment about him seeming depressed. As time passes, I look back and realize just how depressed my husband has been. The marriage was the one thing he could really control - which he did by leaving.
Chin Up. I know its hard when you are the one doing all the work right now!
Maybell, in answer to your questions, we both did speak up, but I think not often enough and not clearly enough, or with not enough weight behind it. He did tell me he felt like we weren't having enough sex, but I don't recall it being talked about in terms of feelings of rejection, lack of emotional intimacy, or anything deeper. For my part, I told him I needed more financial and household support, but don't know that I ever couched it in terms of feeling like I was carrying all the weight and that it was making my stress and anxiety work.
I think we were somewhere between trying to avoid conflict and to not hurt the other person. And I think each of us did try to step up - at least to a degree - but neither of us did enough, or did it quickly enough, or fully met the other person's needs since they were probably not that well expressed in the first place. But your point about life skills and lack of confidence and self-worth does seem to be reflected in a lot of what's happened. Unfortunately, somehow he's managed to convince himself that I was so worth it to him that he's sacrificed everything and expended all his energy taking care of me, while I've done nothing for him. I think we both neglected different aspects of our marriage, though.
Ggrass, I can sympathise - this is all tied up in me wondering about the role of his online friend in all of this, too, and wondering how many of his recent changes - the ones that I'd asked for years ago - were really for her.
In my more lucid moments, I can tell myself these things. Like you said mpu, I know he seems to be depressed. And I do know this is about him more than it is about me. Raliced, I really liked your point that he felt he wasn't worth it, and I'm going to try to keep that in mind, difficult as it is. And yes, the marriage was the one thing he was in control of, and seemed to think like the only way to regain control of other things was to leave it and go back home.
I think for the first few days I was in shock and now the reality is setting in a bit more. I'm doing okay, I guess, but these last few days have been pretty rough at times. I've cried a lot, and at the drop of a hat. But I'm having a lot of really negative thoughts and going back to the places where I try to figure things out, blame myself, and generally wonder what it is that I did wrong and what I could have done better. I'm sure this will pass, and that it's a normal part of the process one week out, but it's been hard to avoid this morass of "what ifs" and "should haves".
It's still early, and already it's been a rough morning.
The other day, I got some potentially not good work news - basically, I could have fewer hours when I start back than I have in the past and I already don't make a whole lot of money. On top of that, there are some other work related problems that need dealing with.
I'm upset for a few reasons. Normally I'd talk through these things with H., and he's not here. Despite all the other issues, he was good at rationalizing with me and helping me to calm down when I was anxious about something. I miss that immensely and realising that has me crying something fierce right now.
I'm also feeling really annoyed that he's gone off at a time when I could use backup. I feel like he got a four year vacation and caring for two people certainly cost more than caring for just one. I don't even know if he has a job, but I keep romanticizing his life now and imagining that he does and that he's moving on with some great new life while I'm stuck here trying to figure out what my options are and how to get by.
On the other hand, it's possible if he were still here that he still wouldn't get a job, so I guess there's no guarantee that he would have been backup. And, monthly costs were definitely a good bit more expensive when he was here, so at least I can cut back.
Finally, I'm annoyed more with myself, I guess, because some of these things I probably could have caught a bit earlier and helped to fix, at least a little. I won't go into much detail here, but I've been so distracted that I didn't notice some administrative screw ups. Really, I shouldn't have to catch their mistakes, but I'm kicking myself for not checking in earlier.
These last few days have felt awful - far, far worse than the first few days. Dealing with work stuff feels really difficult, and every issue feels absolutely huge at this point. I'm trying to fix things on my own and doing what I need to do, but it's so hard doing it without H. to talk to about things, and while dealing with my own emotional state.
That was a rough morning, but I decided to GAL and take care of myself and I'm feeling a good deal better. I had a phone call with my parents and tea with a friend before settling in to get some work done and apply for a few side jobs, just in case, and actually taking some steps left me feeling a good bit more in control of the situation.
Talking it over with a friend also helped me to remember that as much as I might miss specific things about H. right now, there's a lot that would have to change for us to have a chance at making it work. To be honest, I don't even know if we have a shot right now, but that might be the feelings of pain and loss talking. It all feels very definite and no contact is hard sometimes, particularly when I realise that he's in a different country, has no reason to contact me, and seems to think that this isn't fixable.
I plan to spend the rest of the day doing a bit more work, tidying and making the apartment mine, and then getting out for a games night. It's hard to do things right now, especially when I feel like I might cry at any second, but I think it's important to get out and do things, so I'm going to give it a go.
My mornings seem to be getting rougher. I wake up every morning and cry. Sometimes (okay, often) I cry through the day, too. It's difficult to do the things that need to be done.
It's also hard to remember the not great things about the relationship. There were quite a few of them, but all I seem to remember these days is the good stuff, and it leaves me feeling an incredible sense of loss.
If anyone has any suggestions about how to deal with these feelings or what I should be doing with myself, I'm all ears.
Just power through it. As time goes by the mornings will get easier. I know it's hard to believe, but they will. And as you make more and more independent decisions about how to move your life forward, you will start to think "that's something I could never have done while we were together" and it will become easier to remember the things you didn't love about the relationship.
For what it's worth, he's still the first thought I have in the mornings, but I don't cry unless circumstances combine to be overwhelming. It's more like resigned sadness and missing him, a hole in my heart that I can feel but that doesn't weigh me down like it used to.
Good luck!!!
Hang in there. You are not alone with those feelings. As time goes on, I've noticed that things are a mixed bag. It's easy for the negative emotions from the R to carry more weight, but like you, when the positive qualities come to the surface, is when I have the toughest time as well.
Thanks, all.
I seem to most often get stick on the idea that somehow he's found his way into a wonderful, amazing life without me - lost more weight, got a good job, found a nice apartment, and is living it up in his city of choice and possibly spending time with his online friend.
These are all things that I wanted for us (well, except the online friend), and that I'm upset didn't happen when we were together. I feel like it could have happened, too, but there were reasons why it didn't, and a lot of them were practical.
I realise I'm probably romanticizing a good deal right now. The images of this wonderful life are just my own creations, but they're there all the same. I feel like I should have had a wonderful life with him, and that we could have had one. And I still want that life with him, even if it takes effort and work. I just have no idea how to get there at this point.
I think a lot of us have similar thoughts Meghan. We can all empathise with you which is a new experience for my emotionaly almost dead heart.
Concentrate on your breath. Listen and feel yourself breathing in, wait a few seconds, and do the same breathing out. If you find your mind wandering, come back to your breath again. You can't cancentrate on your breath and thoughts at the same time. This is mindfullness: adventures in the present moment. Everything else is in the past or future and are just thoughts.
An check out my
resources for feeling better. There are some quick things you can do on there like counting backwards from 100 in sevens to take your mind of it.
Hi Meghan, I too have similar thoughts and some of them are based in reality. My WAH is making changes in his life that are what I wanted him/us to do and in the same breath he says that we have different goals and dreams. He is living MY secret dreams for us, and saying that I do not share them. It blows.
But know that chances are your H is not doing fantastic and having a better life. And it sounds like you are truly the fantastic one of the two of you!
Stay strong!
Hugs, Lisa
PS: Old Dog, those are terrific resources for stopping bad thoughts. I need them. Thanks!
Those are really great resources, Old Dog - I'm going to have a go at a few of them tonight. You've also reminded me that I should start up that mindfulness meditation practice that I've been talking about. Thank you, and I hope that your heart recovers eventually.
Lisa, it's hard when the changes seem to be based in reality. I've seen the changes he's made, and it's hard to not question how he can be doing the very things I've been suggesting for years. It feels, to me anyway, like the fact that he's doing them makes it very clear that it wasn't that he couldn't do them before, but that he chose not to.
Even more frustrating? Once, in counseling, he was talking about his online friend and how he needed someone on his side who would support him in the changes he was making because I didn't want him to make good changes for himself. He started making changes right when he found his online friend. This made me think he was having an EA and I freaked out a bit. He took my concerns as an indication that I didn't want him to improve himself and wasn't supporting him.
But for years, I've offered to help him look for jobs, do an elimination diet, count calories, cook healthier meals, and work out a running and exercise program. Did he ever take me up on it? No. So not only did he make changes that he's never had an interest in making within our relationship, but he claimed I don't want him to be better, I didn't support him, and that he needed an online friend to be on his side when I've actually been trying to support him in doing these things for the whole of our marriage.
Maddening. Absolutely maddening.
As a reminder to myself, here are just some of the ways that life is better now that I'm living on my own:
I sleep in the bedroom, not on a futon on the living room, and I ordered a new queen bed that's due to come next week.
I can eat what I want without having to cater to someone else's tastes and perceptions about what makes a filling meal.
The dishes get done every night before bed (okay, almost every night...)
I watch a good deal less TV and read and listen to audio books more.
Some of the bills are reduced and I can work on getting them down further.
The living room is a real living room again and not a sleeping annex.
I'm vegetarian again and I get to eat all the beans I want.
I can have people over any time.
I can buy whatever furniture and housewares I want and arrange them any way that I please.
I can't say that these things make up for the loss of companionship and what good things I thought we had, but I think they do suggest - once again - that there were underlying problems that would need to be dealt with if we made any kind of a move towards reconciling.
I really do feel a lot more freedom now than I expected. In our last session (I went solo), my MC said that people often get used to difficult things in their life over time and come to see them as normal. In many cases, those things keep getting worse, or more things get added into the mix, because we're so good at adapting. Looking at it now, there are quite a few things on that list that I don't think I fully recognized the problematic nature of until I didn't do them anymore.
What about GAL ways your life is better?
I'll tell you one of mine... I'm taking the kids to my first ever Renaissance festival this weekend!! Something I've always wanted to do. I'm sure H (much as I miss him) would hate it.
Be well and I hope your bed is awesome!
I haven't done as much GALing as I probably should. I've been home a lot (I'm a very big homebody), still working on rearranging and making the place mine, and on trying to ferret out and get rid of things that remind me of him. Honestly, I really haven't felt much like going out. I probably should be getting out anyway to give me less of a chance to wallow and to have some fun with people.
I have been out to games nights and have spent time with friends, too. I'm hoping to join up with a knitting or quilting group, but the local ones are usually shut down for July and August. they'll resume in September.
I'm still looking into joining a band program, but I've been holding off until I know what my work and income situation are for the fall - it's put a bit of a damper on things, so I'm keeping an eye out for options that are less expensive.
As a free alternative, I'm looking into local volunteer opportunities. I think it might do me some good to not only see the wider world, but to see that there are problems out there much bigger than my own.
Forgot to add that I've been going out once a week to do some work in a local cafe, which has been really nice and productive as well as a good way to get out for awhile.