Hello
This is my first post and I wish that I wasn't on here but I know from past experience that this site and the people on it as well as the counsellors and Michelle's book are very helpful, as my husband and I went through a seperation 7 years ago and we were able to work through it.
But here I am 7 years later and now hes telling me "I love you but I'm not in love with you", "I'm not sure that I want to be with you anymore", "we're on two different paths", and "neither of us has been happy for awhile".
I guess I should start at the beginning.
My husband and I have been arguing a lot lately and I had started to wonder if I really wanted to be in this marriage anymore. I knew I loved my husband but I felt very alone and unappreciated. Then On July 10th my husband and I got into an arguement in which he told be that he didn't think that he wanted to be with me anymore. This knocked the wind out of me and made me realize that I really did want to be with him more than anything else. Well he went for a ride and when he came back he told me "yes I love you and Yes I want to be with you but there are changes that need to happen" and of course I was willing to make these changes.
The very next day I signed up for counselling to deal with my depression and saw my doctor to change my anti-depressants. Things seemed to be going very well. I even asked him what he thought and he said he was very happy about the communication and the progress that he had seen so far.
And then on the 20th he hit my with the bombshell of "I love you but I'm not in love with you", "I'm not sure that I want to be with you anymore", "we're on two different paths", and "neither of us has been happy for awhile".
I was evestated. I never knew what happened to make him change his mind.
Now we are going to couples counselling but so far we have only had one session and neither of us are sure how to feel about it. She is not as "marriage saving" oriented as I would like.
I am re-reading the divorce rememdy and have signed up for their counselling again and have my first session tonight but as much as I am trying to stay positive I'm really hurting and sometimes feel like it is a lost cause.
There are some positive signs that I am tryng to focus on like,he's willing to go to counselling, he's still living at home, and he says that he is willing to see what happens.
But it still hurts that he does not want me to touch him or kiss him or sleep in the same bed as him. All I want is for him to hold me and tell me we'll work it out. But I know I can't ask him to do that right now.
On July 29 (our anniversary) he said that we are not together but he is willing to work on our friendship and see where it goes from there.
I'm hurting so badly.
Any encouraging words are VERY welcome.
Thank
you
_________________________
amacin
2 kids
togerther 12 years
married 8
Hi amacin, sorry you're back in the same position. I'm a relative noob, but ...
If you are both familiar with this situation, I'd say sack the counsellor and get one who understands. Did you use DB/DR before? Were you both following the rules or just you?
Also, remember that someone in this position is all over the place and doesn't really know what they want or what to think or what colour the sky is.
It's never too late.
Old Dog xx
Hi old dog
Thank you for your support. I used db before but I kinda fell off the wagon after our second child.
I am working on doing a 180 and it's going ok but as I'm sure you are familiar with it's never fast enough.
H is away for the weekend and my intention is not to message him at all unless it's an emergency.
I'm trying to do things for myself which is not easy. I'm not used to it and it feels wrong. But I know it's for the best.
H says that he wants to be friends again and then sees what happens so I'm trying to stay positive. I know we can work this out but it is still really hard not to focus on that alone. Lol.
Thank you for the reply though. It helps to talk.
It's been 12 days since H said he didn't know if he wanted to be with me anymore. He said I'm not fun anymore and I'm never happy. He's right though. After our second child I completely stopped doing things for myself and completely focused on the family. I never realized how depressed I had become until he dropped this bomb.
I've been working with a db counsellor and my H and I are seeing a couples counsellor.
On aug 29 (our 8 yr anniversary) he told me that we are not a couple but he is willing to work on being friends again and see what happens from there.
I am trying really hard not to "bug" my H about if we will work this out or not. I'm trying to be hopeful but it is really hard at times.
Things I have done for myself:
Seen my doctor and am being treated for depression and anxiety.
Started an aqua size class.
Took a trip with just the kids.
Talking with a db counsellor.
Getting referrals to a counsellor for my own issues, stress management group, anxiety group, anger management group and a positivity group.
I'm also not texting my H almost at all (unless it has to do with the kids of course)
Not bothering him about where he is or who he is with.
If anyone has any other suggestions of things to do I am very open to trying anything.
I miss my H like crazy (even though he's still in the house)
Thank you.
This is all perfectly natural.
Their are no magic buttons,
hard work and focus on YOU and not him.
Keep posting
Well today wasn't a great day. I broke down and felt like everything was doomed. But I did not do this Infront of H. So I can be proud of myself for that.
H sold his bike which was one of his most loved possessions. I'm confused. I have no idea why he did it. He didn't tell me about it before hand. I asked him where it was because I was worried it had been stolen. Then I freaked our thinking he sold it to get money for a lawyer. But I have no proof of that either so I'm freaking myself with no proof. I'm trying to stay calm and think positive thoughts and remind myself there is still hope. It's just really hard.
So Wednesday was a great day. H started to just text me out of the blue like he used too and it was nice. I felt like there was hope. All day yesterday I was in such a great mood. And then today I feel like complete crap. Like we'll never work it out. It's hard to stay positive right now
It's hard, isn't it? My feelings are all over the map. To stay positive, I've started to journal the hopeful signs I see. When I'm feeling hopeless (and more importantly, when I'm feeling the urge to call H when I know I shouldn't), I look at the list and remind myself that I am making progress and that I have a lot to be hopeful for. Then I'm able to compartmentalize my worry and move on to something else.
I've been doing that too but for some reason today I just lost it. I think I'm just exhausted from always try to be happy. I find it's hard to learn to do things for yourself. I've given everything to him and put two kids for so long I'm not sure now how to do things for myself.
Elsa I hope things are going ok for you. I'm going to try and read your thread. Sounds like we're in the same boat. It's nice to have support.
Detach ... find you ... I know its seems so hard ... and I too suffer from haning on a text or some sign there is a hint of hope/emotion/feeling from my WAS ... hang in there .. if anything misery loves company and just knowing you are not alone does take some sting out .. I hope things get better for you.
H just told me I have 3.5 months to figure things out so I can move out of our house. I'm devestated. He said before it was so we could see where things were between us at that point. I have no idea what to do. I'm hurting so badly that all I want to do is something stupid. I won't but I want too. 😢
Why do you have to move out?
I second what MrBond said. Also, believe none of what he says and half of what he does. You've got 3 1/2 months. 180, GAL, be the woman only a fool would leave. Make the changes for you so, if he does follow through, you'll be awesome either way.
Hang it there. New babies are really hard. So maybe he's just overwhelmed. Be patient.
He said it after I went out with a friend one night but I looked nice. While I was out her sent me a message saying "You looked really good".
Then the next day he told me I had to get out.
I'm not moving. We own the house together so I've sought legal council. I didn't want to but he's left me no choice. I have to make sure that I protect me and my kids.
He keeps playing with my head and my heart and I can't take this anymore. Maybe it is time to give up completely and move on.
He has. He has a new girlfriend with whom he is staying with and he barely sees the kids anymore.
He says he wants to be friends but to be friends you have to talk and see each other and we don't.
Im so confused and hurt right now.
I have no idea what to do.
Focus on you and the kids.
Don't give up, but moving yourself forward some and being the best you possible will help.
Post here more, if you post regularly, you get more help.
I'm trying to focus on me and the kids.
I've signed up for a positivity class and counselling and the kids and I are in family counselling.
I'm trying to keep busy and keep myself busy. I'm doing things that I've always wanted to try.
Like learning to ride a motorcycle and I'm going skydiving tomorrow.
But it still feels like it's hopeless.
I know that no matter what I will be the best possible me I can be when this is over but it still hurts and I still miss him.
I am not sure if by counseling you mean Divorce Busting coaching. If not, many therapists suggest that their clients speak to a divorce busting coach in addition their marriage counseling sessions. Divorce Busting coaches are highly specialized in helping you focus on your marriage goals and keeping your family intact.
Please call me to discuss our coaching program.
303-444-7004
I have been talking to a divorce busting coach but I'm not as happy with him as I thought I'd be. I'm not feeling as confident in my marriage as I thought I would be.
I'm starting to see a counsellor for just me. H will not see a marriage counsellor anymore.
So today I'm really hurting. I really miss H. I'm not sure why it's so bad today but it is.
I feel like I can't breathe and like there's no hope left.
I want him to want to come back so badly but yet I don't want it to be too soon because I want us to actually work out all of our issues.
What do I do?
How do I make it through this?
Hi amacin.
I don't have any good advice but you do what you have to, to get strong and get through this.
Cry, get angry, eat chocolate and ice-cream, work out, go for a walk, take the kids out. Do something to make yourself feel good because that's all that you can control. I personally go on Pinterest and search for inspirational quotes.
It's up to you to make yourself feel good and be happy. Don't rely on other people to make you happy. Fake it until you make it! Put on some lippy and turn that frown upside down. The rest will follow.
"Happiness will come when you let go of the hurt that's holding you back"
*big hugs*
So I just found out that H is now seeing someone. I shouldn't be suprised. Considering he left me for her. But it still hurts none the less. I feel like crawling into a hole and drying.
It hurts so incredibly bad.
H just took the kids to meet his new "friend". I'm beyond pissed. I want to rip his head off right now.
I feel so stupid for wanting to work things out. I'm such an idiot!
So H stopped by unannounced today and got really mad when he saw that our neighbour was over watching a movie. He refused to even hug our daughter because she was sitting with the neighbour. (The neighbour is male and JUST a friend)(and he's been our neighbour for 10 years) but H assumes I'm sleeping with him which I'm not. So now he only wants to contact through email and lawyers.
So hurt. And I feel so alone.
So H and I have reached an agreement for our seperation. It's gone to the lawyers to be drawn up so we can sign it and make everything legal.
We're getting along a lot better now. I still miss him but I'm not sure if we can or should be together. I don't know who he is now. Or even who I am. Its so complicated now. 😔
I have no idea what to do