My previous thread.....
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2463857#Post2463857So against all advice I helped WAW move some of her stuff but I did set a boundary by only helping late on Thursday night and a few hours on Friday - I have D that day and told WAW that it was a day to have fun with D.
Anyway, after helping Thursday and getting D to bed WAW and I stood in the kitchen. We chatted about the house ie end of an era etc. then I mentioned Xmas would be soon. WAW said she hadn't thought about but what would we do. I asked what u mean. She says would I like to stay Xmas eve with her and D. I said sure but would her OM mind that. She just smiled.
She then asked had I told anyone about OM. I said all my family. She asks what they said. I said they didn't say anything. She then asks am I seeing anyone. I smiled as she smiled. I said no. She said I don't believe you. I said I don't have time and not interested in anyone. We then had small talk again before bed.
On sat we moved a few things but nothing major happened. I did however mess up by saying on way out of new house I hope the OM enjoys the stuff I helped moved. I was joking to her and she looked a bit miffed and I said 'I'm only joking'.
On a positive we discussed plans for the week ahead as we are both off. We have decided to go to the zoo which is a 200 mile trip with D on wed.
It'll be nice for D to see her mum and dad together for fun.
Any thoughts on the above anyone?
Bashy,
IMO I think you are settling for any place in your WAW'S life which you deserve better. Not only that, but by showing her that you aren't respecting yourself enough to set boundaries. She's not going to have respect for you especially with the OM.
I'm sure the vets have better opinions and advice as I am still a greenhorn. I hope your sitch improves and hang in there!
I'm weak around her CS. I wish I hadn't agreed trip on Wed now. I feel lost.
I completely understand that as I was the same with my now 2nd XH. I see now that by not giving myself space for clarity and to work on myself, I kept crawling back for crumbs that my 2nd XH would throw in my direction showing no love or respect for myself. Not attractive at all! In the end it hurt me more. I just want to share my experience that's all.
Thanks CS. Do you think I should go back on planned trip?
Bashy, I appreciate you asking for my input. I think since it's a trip with your D, I'd leave it as planned but really just keep it as a friendly neighbor and stop the comments about the OM. Again, I think the vets can help you better navigate this.
Bashy, Mr.Bond and Starsky would both advocate that you come up with a firm strategy for how you handle OM and then make decisions accordingly.
I'm sorry, I forget,.. Has anyone filed for D? What is your status right now? Just separated?
I personally would not take a 200 mi trip with my separated spouse because I personally could not handle that situation well as things have stood between us. If you think you have that kind of stamina, then the next thing to consider is your goal and strategy and how your decision fits with that.
I personally find it interesting your W wants to do that in the current circumstances. How do you read that? Who suggested the trip? Why is she going with you and not OM?
I have a few more questions but we'll start with those.
Bashy I think I posted on your other thread...dang it was a long one!
(Hence the nagging "mantra" to Stick to one thread...)
My previous thread.....
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2463857#Post2463857
So against all advice
well, does our advice ever get followed? I'm sincerely asking -just so I know if this is a place for you to vent or if you really are seeking input. I helped WAW move some of her stuff but I did set a boundary by only helping late on Thursday night and a few hours on Friday - I have D that day and told WAW that it was a day to have fun with D.
Anyway, after helping Thursday and getting D to bed WAW and I stood in the kitchen. We chatted about the house ie end of an era etc. then I mentioned Xmas would be soon. WAW said she hadn't thought about but what would we do. I asked what u mean. She says would I like to stay Xmas eve with her and D.
I said sure but would her OM mind that. She just smiled.
How about you never ever mentioning his name again? He's not your equal, even if he is in her eyes. YOU have to rise above him in a way that reflects how unworthy he is of your mental energy.
That's my take on it, fwiw.
She then asked had I told anyone about OM. I said all my family.
Why do you have these^^ discussions? Why not tell her it's not something SHE has to worry about? Plus it's not really any of her business who you told, or what you told. I mean, what's the goal?
I DO think telling her very little about THEIR Comments, was wise b/c the last thing she needs to hear is trash talk from them, about her.
I mean IF your goal is a reconciliation, AND therefore Keeping the road home paved and smooth, the more who know of OM - the harder it would be for her to return.
But If you don't see recon as realistic, then the only thing that matters is keeping the peace between you two for your d's sake...and talking about OM does not seem like it would help.
She asks what they said. I said they didn't say anything. She then asks am I seeing anyone. I smiled as she smiled. I said no.
She said I don't believe you. I said I don't have time and not interested in anyone. We then had small talk again before bed.
does this ^^ mean something to you? On sat we moved a few things but nothing major happened. I did however mess up by saying on way out of new house I hope the OM enjoys the stuff
I helped moved. I was joking to her and she looked a bit miffed and I said 'I'm only joking'.
I would avoid "jokes" like that in the future. First, it's not really a joke b/c there isn't any humor in it and second, you are again reminding her of OM and showing that HE is on YOUR mind, taking up space in your head while you are helping her go to him...does that make sense to you?
I mean, forget about helping her pack, but to keep on talking about him. YOU brought him up at least twice in one day, not her. WHY? Just drop it. IF SHE had brought him up we'd all be mad at her for being insensitive....
I guess you're playing it cool, except then you admit you are not dating anyone...so it just comes off as not too strong...from where I sit anyhow.
On a positive we discussed plans for the week ahead as we are both off. We have decided to go to the zoo which is a 200 mile trip with D on wed.
It'll be nice for D to see her mum and dad together for fun.
Any thoughts on the above anyone?
RE the trip...
Many will say not to go and they might be right. But I'll tell you my experience and see if you can pull it off, b/c it's not forever and it's FOR your d.
About 8 weeks before h was to leave for Alaska, he invited me and our 2 d's on a trip with him to Palm Springs. He had a 4 day conference in that resort area. I could not believe he invited us.
I thought "no way".
I balked. I mean, why fake "happy family" when the axe was going to fall soon?
I could not imagine going and "rewarding him", pretending, or letting HIM be in denial, about hIS choices.
My DB coach said something very different and very wise. She said:
1) If this is your last vacation together, why not make it a good memory for your daughters?
AND
2) why not make it a good memory for HIM, so he'd have something to MISS?
And
3) to NOT fight and NOT get angry, no matter what. Let no word in anger come from MY mouth. IN sum, she said my anger, however "right" I felt I was, or however justified my feelings were, they were not as important as my children having a good memory with their dad and me together.
My anger was not so important but honestly, sadly, it had been something I righteously clung to for too long. I mean, I felt "Wronged" and therefore felt compelled to comment on it, pretty much every time I saw h...didn't get me anywhere but God knows THAT did not stop me for a really long time.
Thanks to my DB coach,
I figured, maybe I could repress my anger for FOUR days...for FOUR days I could with hold my tongue and my anger and my negative feelings and suppress my fears,
for my daughters (and for the possibility that h would later regret things) and maybe that I might even enjoy myself.
I did NOT think I would enjoy myself, but I thought MAYBE I could pull off having some fun with the girls --and they'd have a good memory of their dad.
I did not realize that I might actually begin to FEEL differently by behaving differently, but that is what happened.
Also, I'm embarrassed to admit that when I contemplated this, I sort of comforted myself with the belief that "hey, I can always be angry and mean LATER"...so it wasn't going to cost me anything to be kind and warm or at least, neutral, for four days...
At first as we were driving there, I thought h was getting a bit nerdy telling the girls about some wild life we saw.
BUT then I stopped myself and instead, CHOSE to see him in a new way and I realized that in reality, the girls were learning from their dad. And it's a good thing that h is educated and smart. (And really I was simply being fairer to h)
Why was I seeing him so negatively before? Probably B/C he'd hurt me and it probably felt like a protective thing to do.
But it was actually destructive to our m, and that's just one tiny example of how I had let my anger poison my behavior, and what I showed the kids.
Anyhow, I forced myself to "neutralize" anything negative I thought or felt, and sometimes, I was able to convert it into a positive. It got easier after only a day or so. And pretty soon, H behaved in a more relaxed way.
He got happier and more positive as well. We both had some laughs too. (And some romantic moments too, believe it or not.)
And best of all, the girls had a blast with him and me.
Went up a mountain and rode horses. We count that as a very good memory. And it was something h thought about later on. It was about 6 months later his loneliness got to him and his calls became daily events, sometimes more than once a day.
Give yourself a day at a time with this approach, (or a "conversation at a time") and pat yourself on the back when it works.
Not to stir old feelings in you, but to control yourself knowing that you can be a jerk or just justifiably angry at her, later....but if this trip is FOR your d, then make it count.
**Do NOT mention OM at all for the trip. Do NOT. He's not in your family (not yet anyhow) and this is a family trip...When thoughts of him come up, put a STOP SIGN in your mind and talk to your d or change the radio or DO something different.
Just don't go there in your brain. Give your w something to remember (and regret losing??) or at least a feeling that you are a pleasant companion,
(which will someday contrast with OM, trust me). YOU will always be the father of your d, and being a strong calm loving man will always be something your w will know you are, and your d will treasure...
and YOU can give your d a fun memory of her parents making HER their priority, and not their problems.
Good luck
Heh Maybell and 25. Had made a decision to not help WAW move again on Sunday or go on trip. I felt at ease with this decision - especially after CS's 'crumbs' comments. Was going to text 'something has come up' and can't help and we'll also rearrange trip.
BUT, I have to make a stand. Once this move and trip is out of the way I will detach like mad. It seemed to work. WAWs question about did I have another woman stems from that - I hadn't answered all calls, had ignored texts etc.
25 - I will not mention OM again. WAW said I can stay overnight on Sunday as I'll be helping her move then taking a van home in the morning which is closer to where I live. As for the trip. I had asked was she taking D anywere when off next week. She said no cus she had no money due to move. I hinted at taking D to zoo and she was receptive and we kinda both said at the same time about taking D.
One thing that bothers me is she is not bringing our marital
Bed to new home. She said it is in poor condition even though I know thats not true. When we argued last week she mentioned respecting me by not having OM in our home or bed. So from all this I believe she is waiting to put a new bed to share with OM. In fact until then she is using an inflatable/blow up one.
Maybell - I believe she isn't going with OM because he has only been introduced to D in an informal way with other people there ie as mummy's friend. It's gonna be hard this trip etc but it's for D - for no one else. I'd rather not go because I find it hard to be around WAW so I will have to take 25s advice - stay strong, be positive and give WAW and D a lovely day!!!
ALSO, 25....could you look at part 2 of my thread towards the end. It would be interesting to have a take on her reply to me after I rang to apologise for texting girls years ago but which she has repeatedly mentioned along with working nights etc.
Thank you both.
Hi bashy,
Good for you that you decided not to go on the trip or help move. My H is moving some stuff out of the house to his new place tomorrow and had the b@alls to say he thought I'd help him move the boxes.
Um, well I already packed all your junk and put it in one place since you didn't pack anything when you BD and "moved out"! I didn't want his stuff everywhere reminding me so I packed it up.
I think knowing how much you can handle is great and if you can't handle the trip then it is good you are not going along.
However I loved 25's story about the trip to Palm Springs. I'm going to keep those tips in mind, "I can get angry later". Too bad I didn't read that yesterday.
Hugs,
Lisa B
Heh Lisa,
Well 25 has changed my mind lol.
This trip is for D. A chance for all three of us to have some fun and create a great memory for her.
I will put aside any issues I have and fake it till have to afterwards. WAW will see a confident, smartly dressed H who is getting on with life. No silly comments about OM. He may be in the background but I aim to make it hard for him to get a hold of my WAW.
Wish me luck....
Good luck bashy. I recently went on a cruise with H and all 3 kids. We had a good time. It can be done.
Bashy,
GOOD LUCK! And if you can, watch the 2 TED TALK videos before you go. One is by Amy Cuddy called "Fake it til you Become it" and the other is "Positive Psychology" by Shawn Achor. Both are about 20 minutes and they each entertain with their points. But they have great DATA that shows how the way we think and what we DO, physically even, plays a role in how we feel and act and perform. It's amazingly helpful.
Since I "faked it" and then BECAME it while in Palm Springs, I'm a believer. It didn't change things immediately but it sure was a pivotal moment for ME and a definite positive (surprise) for h.
But like we all say, it was for the kids. THEY had fun and there were NO fights.
Vow that not one negative word will come from your lips and keep to it. How long a trip is this, one or two days? YOU CAN DO THIS.
And OM is not "in the background".
("What OM?"
)
Believe in your gut that you are the better catch, that she is losing the man who would love her like no one else will, ever, and that belief will show.
(If need be, CHANGE so you do believe this^^^ b/c maybe there are things you need to change in order to actually become the man who'd love her best)
but the point is, and the TED Talks support this, what we believe, SHOWS.
And it does. When I came to believe that h was going to lose more than me with a D, I felt sorry for him most of the time. I'd shake my head (inwardly) and wonder how he was ever going to deal with all the fall out of HIS choices....
and I came to believe I really truly was going to be alright, better than alright, with or without h. Once that belief took hold, it showed. And in time, that is probably what got h to start doubting his choices. After all, if I were the big loser in this, why was I so confident going forward?
(B/C the LBS has
no choice but to make the best of the cards dealt, whereas the WAS often has to second guess THEIR choices;
like every time OP does something stupid or careless or mean that the LBS would not have done, the WAS will feel doubt.
When a song that's special to the first M plays, the WAS will think of the LBS. Every time the child(ten) don't get along well with the OP,
the WAS will have doubt and usually it won't paint the new OP in a good light.
Every time the WAS and OP fight, the WAS will wonder if they;d have had the same conflict with their ex....
Even when things are good, the WAS will sometimes wonder if maybe they had stayed m to their LBS, if they could have improved things with effort and time...for they will discover that ALL R's take work, and if they'd worked in their FIRST M, what might have been?
the WAS will always have to look over their shoulder and wonder what might have been, and over time as they see the changes the LBS made AND KEPT UP,
they'll have to tell themselves that "would not have happened if I had stayed" but they will inwardly wonder, "Dang, maybe it would have happened for US and maybe WE could have worked it out b/c LBS sure is doing fine NOW..."
unlike the LBS -- who is forced to make the best of things, and usually do just that, and ends up in a pretty darn good place, the WAS does not.
In situations wherein the LBS really does make the changes THEY wanted to make and becomes a spouse only a fool would leave, THEN the WAS will always be haunted...
I would not trade places with a WAS for anything. Good luck.
Truly inspirational 25. thank you!!!.... and I have watched the first Ted Talks. Second to follow.
Truly inspirational 25. thank you!!!
Totally agree. 25 you give me such hope. Thanks.
Awesome post as always 25, might have to print that out, and those videos are fantastic, I do a 'power pose at least once a day now...
Awesome post as always 25, might have to print that out, and those videos are fantastic, I do a 'power pose at least once a day now...
Good luck, keep us posted!
Was meant to stay at WAWs tonight to help clean our old house then leave her rental van back tomorrow as it's closer to were I live. TBH I've been dreading staying. Don't want to be around WAW too much. Want to get back to detaching and tbh she's on a high at the moment with her new apartment, OM etc.
Anyway. Got a get out clause this morning. Her brother was coming up with her to collect me and D so he could look at a new car. So I said to WAW why doesn't he drive van up and leave at my place (it's Sunday so van place is closed). She got the house fully cleared yesterday.
She said that was a gd idea and we'd do that if I was still happy to leave van back for her. Tbh I was hoping she'd say 'sure y don't u stay?' but am also glad she didn't because I can see she's moving on and I have no role in her life anymore.
Ah well. Detach, detach, detach....
Save your powder for Wednesday, badly, and try not to mindread.
Feeling a little down today. Probably not a gd idea to visit my mums grave but I'm gonna go there and pray to her for love and support.
Just got an email from WAW. It was a pic of our D saying 'your daughter after her sleep over last night with friend!!!'.... D had pen marks all over her face lol. It was her first sleepover in new home.
I suppose it's gd she shares these things with me but my heart aches everytime I see WAWs text, call or email come through.
Soooo. Went to the zoo today with WAW and daughter. Took 25's advice and had a brilliant time. We all had a great laugh... joking about, talking light chat etc. it was lovely. For the first time round WAW I didn't make a mistake. Followed DB rules. Truly it was like the old days except physical contact.... bar at the end of the zoo. I got photos of WAW and D then me and D. Then I proposed a 'selfie' pic. Thinking D would get in middle WAW put her hand on my shoulder while D stood on the outside of image. I know I'm probably mind reading but was nice.
I left both off home after and thanked WAW. As she walked away she said Ty too. Was touching. While nothing of significance happened I wanted to leave a favourable impression to WAW - just like 25 did with her H.
While it hurts to miss WAW soo much I really enjoyed today despite dreading it. I wonder did she tell OM what she was doing today? If she did would he like it? If she didn't... why didn't she?
Good to hear bashy. You did well. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks old dog. Appreciate you reading
well done bashy, you sound like you did really well, keep it up!
Thanks Watto....
I read this on Old Dog's thread by 25 and wonder have I being doing it all wrong:
'If you are a person who neglected your spouse and chidden so YOU could work at the job you love, then yet more neglect and more "Not pursuing" is NOT the best course for you, right? In that scenario, pursuing is probably THE PATH to her heart...'
Could 25 maybe look at this for me or some other vet comment?
Thanks Watto....
I read this on Old Dog's thread by 25 and wonder have I being doing it all wrong:
'If you are a person who neglected your spouse and chidden so YOU could work at the job you love, then yet more neglect and more "Not pursuing" is NOT the best course for you, right? In that scenario, pursuing is probably THE PATH to her heart...'
Could 25 maybe look at this for me or some other vet comment?
That's also what I'm wondering (visit please). Round those vets up and issue them with some timber.
Well done bashy! Sounds like you had a great day and hopefully left a nice positive image of yourself!
Hugs, LisaB
I read this on Old Dog's thread by 25 and wonder have I being doing it all wrong:
'If you are a person who neglected your spouse and chidden so YOU could work at the job you love, then yet more neglect and more "Not pursuing" is NOT the best course for you, right? In that scenario, pursuing is probably THE PATH to her heart...'
Not a vet, but just to be careful about jumping into any pursuit. I spent tons of time looking for hints that going dark wouldn't work, that I should call her, because that's all I wanted to do, all day and every day. But our situations are not the same. OD is still living with his wife and children, I think, though he works out of town. So for him to demonstrate more caring is not the same as it would be for you to pursue your W in another city.
This is not to tell you what to do or not do, I don't know. Just be careful. Go chase us vets if you need to, or scrape the money together for one coaching session if you can at all. See my thread on that.
Heh Mat. Thank you. Since the zoo we've had one correspondence when I asked how her kidney infection was and to say thanks for a lovely day. She responded saying thank you for treating her and D and she enjoyed also. Nothing since (that was Wed and today is Sun).
Collected D today. Usually go into house etc but rang and told WAW to send D out as I needed to go back home to get ready to go out. She responded 'oh, ok'.... sounded surprised. I waited on D and headed straight out. Little small talk at door.
The next few weeks should be interesting. I have D all week for the first time so WAW will have all the time she wants with OM. She doesn't need for anything now either bar D cus she's moved out of marital home. So she has no reason to contact. I will continue staying dark and GAL but just get the feeling that this is it. The process is beginning for her to move on with new life without me.
Too soon to say, bashy, you never know what the future holds.
One day at a time. Enjoy your daughter!
Hi Maybell Ty. Had appointment with a doctor through work via video feed. Gave her all my woes. She says I'm in a bad place now what with WAW, loosing home, my dad etc but says I seem to be acting correctly with getting things in order.
I've been recommended to take another month or two off work and (something WAW always wanted) going in day shift for a while. Not sure if work can accommodate me but I'll try.
Feeling a little hopeless after. Just feel there is no way back for me and WAW. She has the new home, OM etc and life is rosy for her. There's no interaction anymore but I suppose I just need to continue GAL and detaching and hope she misses me.
Cinema today with D should be nice. Plus things to do with her every day this week. Need to keep my head.
Things may be rosy with OM at the moment but you can bet that will change. Your signature line says she doesn't want to be a housewife anymore. What does she think the alternative is? She has a D. She has OM. She has a home. What's the difference? "housewife" is everyone's fate. Eventually she will notice that. And your nice day at the zoo, your history together, and your daughter are all points in your favor.
Enjoy your week and keep up the PMA.
Thank you Maybell. You know what I'm going through. Just one of those days.
Having a great week with D. Getting along great as usual. Missed a call from WAW yesterday. I replied: 'Sorry I missed your call'. She text back: 'Just wondering how D is getting along'. I kept my reply short: 'We're have a great time. thanks'. She texts back: 'That's good. Tell her I lover her and miss her.' I replied: 'K'.
Then had appointment with C. Told her about helping with move and zoo. She's says she doesn't like giving hope but the discussion about staying over on Xmas eve and asking if I had OW made her think there is unfinished business between us. Also asked me was I sure OM was still in picture.
Hadn't thought of that but don't really want to or my mind will go into overdrive. Just wondering what the vets think? Should I continue darkness? Ask WAW if she wants to join us on a day out at weekend or just carry on dark?
It doesn't feel right to ask her to join us. I want her to ask me to join her and D someday. That would be great progress. Any help would be great.
Some days I'm strong and others I'm not. Reading back on my thread I can see this then find I backslide on promises I make to myself.
WAW rang last night while I was in work sorting sick leave. She then text could I get D to ring her. I've no credit and ask her to ring. She rings and we chat and I tell her about the fun D and I have been having. She then asks to speak to D. I hear her a little asking D about our week. D is tired and gives one of two word answers. I hear WAW ask D what's wrong. 'Nothing' D says. Then WAW asks to speak to me. Asks what's wrong with D. I tell her we are all tired after swimming although I was upbeat on phone. I can tell it worries her a little that D is having a great time with me but then D seems off with her. She admitted before that D seems to enjoy time with me more than her. I certainly don't want that though.
So I email a photo of painting D has done later that evening. Email was titled 'Hairdresser and future artist'. No reply till this morning. Saying it's brilliant. Back and forth email about D then she asks is she awake. I say no. Says she's really missing her. I ask (big mistake) if she was up my way did she want to join D and I for Burger King/KFC. She says no cus it would be too hard to leave D again as she missed her so much. I say no worries. She then tells me she'll ring later.
She does so. Asks about D. Tell her we're going ten pin bowling. I put her onto D who proceeds to tell her all the fun we're having. Then asks D to speak to me. No real point to the start of our convo. but after small chat on D again on ground covered she asks how am I. She's done this before. Not sure y. From tone of voice it sounds like the time she told me of OM.... feeling sorry for me. But could be just trying to strike up convo. I say I'm good. I ask how she is then about her dad who is poorly again. She says he's gd and staying with her tonight to go to doctors tomorrow. Then asks about my dad.
At this point all our correspondence is about D. Suppose getting along good is great for D. Miss WAW like mad today. Just hope knowing D and I are having a great time is making her realise that we're a great family unit.
I'm reading DB for the second time but can't see were it talks about WAW script. I'm probably stupid. Can someone help me with what this goes like for her.
What are they thinking? To me, my WAW is loving her new independent life. She met me at 19. She never had a youth of holidaying with friends etc and dating numerous blokes. I was her second lover. I feel like she is thinking she missed out. But I know she knows I'm a good man. I turned my life around just before we married. I worked my ass off for her. But I neglected her needs ie spending time with her etc.
I feel so lost...
Bashy, I think there's something in the air today, I raised the same question on my thread.
All I can say is, she's reached out to you a lot, so hopefully she's doing some thinking.
Heh Maybell. I've read your thread too but you seem so much more attuned to your sitch than I am. I hope you are right.
I think WAW is in DR, not DB... There's also a free article on the web site.
Been thinking were I am and were I was in the early days of S. It seems there was good contact and even some firtation in the early days. Bit I'm concerned I've pushed WAW further away by pushing for giving up the house so I can have more money to have a life of my own hence her getting her own place, somewhere she can have OM without feeling guilty as ts a new place and so, today, are only contact is about D.
We're getting along great when chatting. All really friendly. I'm giving her space but I remember her saying a few months back about me working nights that she needs someone with her/around her all the time or she'll forget them (I'm paraphrasing here but that was the gist).
I feel like it's over but again, she hasn't changed her surname and still gets along with me brilliantly.
I hope the space im giving her but being detache, nice and positive when she speaks to me will work in my favour. Any thoughts would be good?
I feel like it's over but again, she hasn't changed her surname and still gets along with me brilliantly.
Bashy, I don't really have any advice, but I do want to say that I have no intention of changing my surname, even if we D. That's the name my kids have, I have used it longer than I didn't, and I see no reason to change, even if I'm not married to the man who gave it to me.
Thanks rpp. It's interesting that WAWs sister changed her surname straight away when she separated from her husband.
Anyway, received an email from WAW last night with a picture of D sleeping with her mouth open.... exactly like me! She wrote in email: 'like father like daughter lol'
Was a lovely picture and made me smile. I replied: 'haha god love her. Miss her like mad'
Glad she sent it but did make me miss them both.
Been NC with WAW since the weekend but I sent little message today asking how her kidney infection is. She replied saying it was cleared up then asked when would we be going to get D's school stuff. I replied whenever you want.
She then rang. We had small talk then tells me D broke down on tears last night as she doesn't like her new home. Wants to move back to our old place and misses her friends. WAW tried to reassure her and has been bringing friends round a lot. Then suggests to me that she let D go with friends into town on Saturdays (a big thing for us as we are very protective of her but her wee friends are now doing it) and I could mind her every Saturday night instead of Friday. I didn't disagree but said we'd discuss it. It's definitely something I won't agree to as I will have D every Saturday night instead of alternative ones. But I'm sure we'll sort something.
No mention of OM during chat but that's the way I like it. We then agreed to take D school shopping on Saturday and have dinner together. I will also be going to old home on Monday to finish clearing the house up b4 repossession.
It seems WAW is struggling a little at the moment in new home but I'm
Giving her space. Nothing else I can do.
Any thoughts anyone?
Met WAW in city yesterday with D for school clothes shopping. Was a great afternoon. We joked and laughed and had a lovely lunch together. She also complimented me on my physique :-)
Ofcourse we shouldn't believe anything they say but a few things interested me. She said she had hardly slept the night before worrying about IVA..... does this mean on her night without D she wasn't with OM? She then said she hadn't been on a night out (which she loves) for about a month? Does that mean she hasn't seen OM or has he stayed with her when I have D with me?
I know this is mind reading but it just got me thinking after talking to C the other week who thinks the OM may not be around.
Anyway, I kept our chats light and fun yesterday. No R talk at all. Looked my best as well. Was tough though. WAW looked stunning. Wanted to tell her but said nothing.
Just wondering what you guys think? Am I doing the right things? Detaching enough? Any help I'd appreciate.
Wow wow wow. What a last 24 hours. Any thoughts on this thread from the vets I'd really appreciate. So here goes.....
Arranged to go to old house with WAW last night to finally clear it. During the day she rings to tell me about D's new school jumpers then says would I like to stay over in her new home to save me driving back to my dads. I said no probs.
So I get down there and we clean what we can but realise we need to do more the next day. So we went back to her new house and left D with friends. We had dinner alone and bought some wine. I promised myself when buying wine not to let it cloud my thoughts like I did in June when I pleaded WAW to take me back.
Casual chat before collecting D then got her to bed. So went into living room and I sat down I asked could she turn heat on as it was cold. She says yes then comes in with blanket and sits beside me and puts it over us. Wow I thought. There's another seat over there, I thought. Y not sit there?!
Just before this her phone was getting texts. Oh oh, OM I think. She never says who's texting but proceeds to tell me it's her friend about a beauty party on Friday but no one wants to go. Oh, I think. She's telling me who's texting!!
So after sitting down we begin chatting. Eventually it leads to chat about us and her issues with me in the past. I validate everything. Tell her I now understand were I went wrong after her telling me previously but I hadn't listened. I apologise sincerely for letting her down. She talks about missing my dad and aunt and begins to cry. I tell her my family still love her.
She then tells me about on our wedding day it was if I didn't want to be there or didn't love her because I was so quiet and didn't turn to watch her walk up the aisle. I tell her I was sooo nervous. Also tell her for the first time how I cried before the ceremony because I was so happy. Then tell her when I saw her beside I thought she was stunning. She looked amazing in her dress. She says she never knew I thought that. Again, I said I'm sorry for not opening up. I began to cry at this point.
She then asks again had I met a new woman. I tell her no. I don't have the time. I'm focusing on myself and making sure I understand the mistakes I made in the past so they can't happen again.
She then says she's glad I'm out enjoying life and buying new clothes as I deserve it because she now realises how hard it is to take care of the bills and the pressure that's comes with it. I tell her one if the reasons I didn't go out as much with her was because I was always worried about money. I'd have rather her get out with friends than neither of us.
I never once mentioned her OM and she didn't bring him up either. We then chatted casually once more before sleeping in separate beds.
This morning we wake at the same time and have tea. Talk about our past money mistakes and what we should have done. She tells me hindsight is a wonderful thing. She then comments on my physique after seeing me at the weekend. She says I'm looking brilliant and better than ever.
I then throw a curve ball. Instead of cleaning the house why don't we take D out for the day before school starts tomorrow. She agrees. So we got ready and went and had a wonderful day. I bought them lunch. We laughed. Joked. It was brilliant.
Now I'm home I'm trying to stay calm. Is there movement here? What's going on? Is OM over? Did I say the right things?
Sorry for the long post but it seems like something good has happened. I hope I'm right.
Well done, Bashy! You've done a superb job in your latest interaction with W. Excellent.
Those interactions were great. HOWEVER, do not get overly excited. This is probably your W's way of letting you down easy and making it easy for her. I alleviates her guilt.
What you need to do is to increase the positive interactions, but still remain relatively aloof so that she gets the feeling that you will leave at any moment.
She will return to be the monster soon enough.
Do u mean I've misjudged Mr Bond? She isn't interested in me? And what do u mean by 'monster'? Apologies if that's a silly question.
"Do u mean I've misjudged Mr Bond?"
Not necessarily misjudged, but you can't jump all over this and think this is her way of coming home. It isn't. When she's ready to work on the R, it's usually immediate and there is an urgency to it. She's just trying to be polite here.
"She isn't interested in me?"
Not in the way you want her to be. She just sees you as a "friend". A friend whom she's not afraid to take to court and screw you over.
"And what do u mean by 'monster'? Apologies if that's a silly question."
Not silly at all. The "monster" refers to her current state where she does things that you would have never thought she would ever do like having an A. The monster lashes out at you and blames you for everything (not saying that you are totally devoid of blame) and never takes responsibility for anything. You are the enemy to her. That's the monster state of mind.
Jeez. This has brought me down to earth! Thanks for your thoughts. I honestly thought last night was different than when I pleaded with her in June. However, There is a change in her no doubt. But also thinking about last night... perhaps you're right. She never really opened up to any of her faults during out M. I'm glad I stayed strong now or I would have been back to square one by reading the signs wrong and then jumping head first in.
I suppose I need to get back to detaching and GAL.
Something I forgot from chat with WAW this morning. I was talking about wanting to do a road trip round Ireland and she said she'd love that too. Then says she would also love a spa break weekend with her sister.... "No phones or phone calls from ex's", she added.
This made me think. Her sister has a bf but is separated from ex-husband. And with regard to me I never text or ring except when arranging collecting D. Did she mean me or OM, who could be an ex now?!?
Stop over-analyzing everything. To be THE MAN, you have to just concentrate on yourself and take action based on what you want to do or feel is right. Don't base your actions on what you THINK your W wants or doesn't want.
Great last line! I'll remember that Mr Bond.
Hi all. Looking advice from vets. My WAW is obviously struggling at the minute with the reality of being a single parent plus under enormous pressure regarding her IVA. I have set boundaries of not giving/offering any financial support plus she has definitely noticed me GAL'ing. I've also been staying away from texting and ringing unless to do with D.
My question is this. She will contact me regarding support/advice for IVA. How should I deal with this? Should I offer advice? Support her in some way?
I read an example letter/post from Michelle of a guy who was there as a friend to his WAW. Supporting her when she needed... she eventually realised this support and they grew closer again before reuniting.
I understand the 'having your cake and eating' phrase but want to get a fine line.
Thanks everyone.
Bashy, I've read the last few pages here and will go back and read from the beginning. What's an IVA?
What do you mean by support in that last post?
Hi labug. IVA is the next thing to bankruptcy in the UK. By support I mean when she rings worried about it I offer emotional support. Thanks for looking at my thread but it's done now. WAW asked me to stay over last night after we cleared out last stuff from the old house. Getting on great. We then went alone to KFC and chatted about things including D.
Went home and I fix a few things. Then noticed a little card the size of a credit card saying something along the lines of 'I'm sorry.... I love you. Thanks'. It looked like from her OM than a friend the way the wording was.
Any, I ignored it. Then we get D to bed and had some wine. We chatted about our past. My mistakes. Then she opened up a little on hers but fully isn't there it in regard what a marriage needs.... ie takes two to tango.
I told her it bothered my we only properly kissed (not just a peck on the lips) about a dozen times in 11 years. Always bothered me but I said I let it pass because she said she wasn't a fan of kissing. Then she confessed I was to 'slabbery' (too much saliva). I go ok. We then chat more and she brings up OM. I didn't get angry or ask about him. She didn't say much bar that he knew I was staying the night and had no problem with it. I then ask does she want to kiss to see how it feels. She says no. I say is there a part of u wants to? She says 1% just to see. But we don't. At this stage I know I'm pursuing but I don't ask her back. We then discuss possibility of me staying ever Sunday night to see D. She thinks it's a good idea. But then as I pursue she says I probably isnt. We then go to bed separately.
I wake up and take D to school. Then it hits me. I can't do this anymore. My life is a mess. I can't cope with my hopes being dashed every time she draws me close only to pull away. So I do the worst. I go and buy the loveliest vase of lilies.... her favourite. Then a card and write how I remember the good and bad times. I know she's scared. Inbelieve in marriage and is and I love her. I drop it off to work and read the card. Her eyes well up. We then agree to meet for lunch .
We meet and talk. She's says OM has said he'll understand if she wants back to me. I tell her I believe in us and marriage and I know she has feelings there. She says ages scared then draws back. Mentions the kissing thing saying it hit her the night before that she probably never really physically love me even though even also admitted that the last few years of our marriage was the best for sex. Then says if we tried for six months she was afraid if hurting me. She loves me but not in that way. I ask what happens if her and OM fall out... would she not fight for it. If so then fight for us. Then I say if that's her decision then I never want to see or hear from her again unless important D business. She says that's an ultimatum. I tell her it doesn't mean to be but I can't go on like this. She goes ok. I get up and walk off.
I text when home. I want her new adress for correspondence. She says ok but we can text. I say it's for official stuff. I tell her she knows how I feel but I can't fight us is any longer. I'm done. I never want to hear from her again. She replies she's sorry for hurting me. I'm the kindest man she's ever met and thanks me for helping her these last few months. Then says she'll respect my wishes. I did not reply.
So that's it. I'm done. My head has been a mess these last 9 months. I can't go on hoping. I need to get on with my life without her and as little contact. I'm tired. I know some people will think I'm mad after this short a time but I can't keep fighting it.
I want to thank you all for helping. I'll keep popping on to offer support while I can. I hope u all get what you want.
Bashy, I've posted a few 'I'm done' comments on my thread and W and I have exchanged 'let's start the D process' conversations, yet I'm still here. Feelings can, and will, change from day to day. You posted just a few days ago with hope still in your voice after positive interactions with your W.
With that said, it sounds like you made it pretty clear to W that you're done, so you can't waffle any longer. I'm sure vets will come by with better advice than I can offer, but I say you go dark, sit back and wait. W may finally realize that she's about to lose you, so see if she contacts you before making any rash decisions. If she does, post here before responding, so vets like Wonka and MrBond can advise you.
Thanks tarheel. It's gonna be hard but I needed to do it. I was waiting by the phone when not busy. It was killing me. There were definite positive things between us recently but she's obviously in a different place. She admitted herself that her head is all over the place but I needed to make a stand. I can't be the person to be used as the great family man that she enjoys but then has OM to enjoy other things with.
If she does come back then I can worry about that then but I've made a stand. I'm moving on. Time will tell.
Bashy, I'm sorry you got to that place but I'm also kind of proud of you. It takes real strength to come to that kind of decision and I think you're doing the right thing.
That said, I also think Tarheel is right. When you're ready to throw in the towel on NC be sure you've lined up your support team here, and make sure it includes Mr. Bond and Starsky. I'll be here.
I know others will be too.
Keep us posted on how you're doing in the meantime!
Thank you sooo much Maybell. Your words mean a lot. This decision wasn't a ploy to win her back. This is real NC. No more helping her. I'm scared but feel a little liberated but tbh as much as I've seen real warmth from her recently it all feels definite. I won't be filing for divorce though. She can do that which I don't think she will. Onwards and upwards
I know it's not a ploy. It was self-protection. But life is long and often takes unexpected turns.
I really hope you are right! Ty
Hey bashy, this just means you have the opportunity to leave all this mess behind and rebuild your self belief.
With this decision will also come relief.
And we'll be still here for you should you need to vent.
Old Dog xx
Thanks old dog. It means a lot!
D just told me WAW has new flowers in her living room... they're the ones I got her. She either just likes them or they mean something.... mind reading again. Today is difficult. Got a text from WAW asking was I collecting D from school. She knew I was. I told her two days ago in our final contact that I would collect her every Friday. I responded politely by saying yes and could she bring my stuff to my dads when collecting D. She replied 'ok will do'.
NC will continue but it's hard on days when you are alone about thinking 'have I done the right thing' or 'if only I'd done this or that different'.
One thing I forgot to mention I think in the previous post during out final chat was she said she loves spending time as a family and family unit but when we are together she doesn't have 'those' feelings for me. I suppose that's why I said above about doing the right thing.
Funny how I said I was done yet I'm back within a couple of days lol
It's been nearly two weeks since I told WAW we were done and in that time nothing from her bar D talk the odd time. D told me the flowers I bought WAW are in their living room but that mummy's friend bought them.
I'm getting on better than I have been. Getting out with friends Ty . Actually going to join a soccer team even though I'm 36. D says she'd love to come and watch. So I'm feeling a lot more detached but can't help thinking most days that my marriage is definitely over.
Do you remember Thornton? He went no contact for 6-8 excruciating weeks. Every day, sometimes a couple of times a day, he had to be encouraged to stick with it. We never hear from him anymore because his W was willing to baby step back to him.
And if you want a cautionary tale, check out Tarheel and also DBinSF in infidelity.
You went NC to protect yourself. You are worth it.
I have read Thorntons thread Maybell. That definitely gave me hope but as you well know, most of us on here think out sitch is different and our wife/husband won't take us back. Keeping the faith just about but also detaching as previously said
Onwards and upwards bashy.
Now you can really detach.
Be sure to tell me how to do it.
Heh old dog. Not sure if what I'm doing is right but it's helping me. WAW knows how I feel but there was a finality about how I said I was done trying to fight for our marriage. Inwardly I'd take her back 100% (with changes on both sides Ofcourse) but I have resigned myself to the fact my marriage is over. I was doing things to hopefully change her mind but now I'm doing things I want to do without worrying about how she will react. It can't get any worse so I might as well make me happy today..... if that makes sense.
bashy. I think you're on the right track now. Proper detachment.
And I think I too am approaching the letting go stage ... maybe.
A bit of stupidity on my part last night. I searched online and am 99.9% sure I found WAWs OM. She told me were he's from and that he fixes guitars and lo and behold I found him. He wasn't what I expected but I can see the attraction. He plays a guitar. She told me before she finds that sexy in a man plus he runs his own firm fixing and making them. Looks wise he is no better than me.
What does this all mean? Well nothing really. I'm still detached. To me this looks like excitement on her part - a man who plays guitar must be exciting and sexy. But he isn't the father of our child. He has a lot to live up to. We shall see over the coming months how this pans out. In the meantime I am focussing on getting my own place. Actually excited by it. And I have a social life better than ever. I will make sure I continue on this path. Onwards and upwards.
A bit of stupidity on my part last night. I searched online and am 99.9% sure I found WAWs OM. She told me were he's from and that he fixes guitars and lo and behold I found him. He wasn't what I expected but I can see the attraction. He plays a guitar. She told me before she finds that sexy in a man plus he runs his own firm fixing and making them. Looks wise he is no better than me.
What does this all mean? Well nothing really. I'm still detached. To me this looks like excitement on her part - a man who plays guitar must be exciting and sexy. But he isn't the father of our child. He has a lot to live up to. We shall see over the coming months how this pans out. In the meantime I am focussing on getting my own place. Actually excited by it. And I have a social life better than ever. I will make sure I continue on this path. Onwards and upwards.
What does this all mean? It means you'd better start taking some guitar lessons! J/K
In all seriousness...I find that the less I know about the OM, the better (mentally). The more you know, the more you find yourself going nuts trying to compare yourself to him, etc.
The only benefit in it could be the fact that you may be able to identify what needs of hers the OM is fulfilling that you are not. Besides that, I don't see how knowing more about the OM could help you in the situation.
I'm not a vet, but I do know that one of the key points in DB-ing is to not focus on the OM.
WAW rang today. Wanted to know what we're doing about Xmas. I said:"What do you mean?". She asked would I like to stay over for D but if not she would ask her parents to come for dinner instead. Also, wanted to know what we are doing about getting presents for D (together or paying separately).
I told her I'd think about it but I am a little angry. I feel she wants to play happy families with D when it comes to a special occasion but when it comes to our D's future ie being together as a family its a no no.
I really want to stay over for D's sake and make my usual Xmas dinner with all the trimmings but I can't be around WAW when she is with OM.... plus will he ring her when I'm there to say Merry Xmas.... and what does he think of me staying over?
Im not sure what to do so any advice would be appreciated.
Bashy, I don't really have any good advice but wanted to say I'm struggling with this myself. H is going to move out in a few weeks, and we've agreed on a four month separation before making any other decisions. During that four months there will be two kids birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and H and my birthdays. So far we've agreed on family dinners for two kid birthdays and Thanksgiving, but none of it will involve a sleepover. I have not agreed on anything t all for Christmas yet, I want to see how I feel after he moves out and how the other events go. Good luck!
Hi rppfl. Thanks for the comment. I've stayed over a few times but each time it makes me realise how much I love and miss her. That is why the other week I told her I can't do it anymore.... it's too difficult to deal with. I really don't know what to do
Bashy, do what's best for you and D. What would you be willing to do? Think about that and then present it to W.
Thank you labug. For me I don't want to stay over. But for my D she would love it. I will need to think about this longer.
Does it have to be all or nothing? Is there a great distance involved? Could you spend the night elsewhere. Think outside the box.
I could travel down first thing in the morning and see her. It's a 45 minute drive. But even seeing my WAW for five minutes hurts!
So what else could you do, that you wouldn't have to see her for more than 5 minutes?
Have you talked to her about holidays and S agreements, finances?
(sorry I haven't been keeping up)
Honestly I'm thinking I buy D my own pressies. That I'm happy with. WAW and I get on great but seeing her hurts. I'd rather not see her at all. I might say that we'll see how we both feel come nov/dec then make a decision then. Am I fudging?!
Honestly I'm thinking I buy D my own presses.
That I'm happy with. WAW and I get on great but seeing her hurts. I'd rather not see her at all. I might say that we'll see how we both feel come nov/dec then make a decision then. Am I fudging?!
Can you explain the term "Presses"? And what do you mean by asking if you are "fudging"? Do you mean kidding yourself, or what? And can you explain what your 180s are?
IMO, you CANNOT DETACH WITHOUT GAL,
and you cannot show change without 180s. So we hammer GAL and the 180s for good reason.
They ALWAYS help. So at worst, your life will improve w/GAL and including some 180s will also improve your lilfe.
As for saving the marriage, I cannot guarantee that ----
but I CAN guarantee that you will Not save it, without any 180s and GAL.
WAW rang today. Wanted to know what we're doing about Xmas. I said:"What do you mean?". She asked would I like to stay over for D but if not she would ask her parents to come for dinner instead. Also, wanted to know what we are doing about getting presents for D (together or paying separately).
I told her I'd think about it but I am a little angry. I feel she wants to play happy families with D when it comes to a special occasion but when it comes to our D's future ie being together as a family its a no no.
So you'll rob your d of ANY time together at Christmas? Do what is best for your d to the extent that YOU can...and don't forget how you got here. You played a big role in it, and now that there is an OM, you are forgetting all that b/c your ego is wounded.
Avoid revising the marital history too much or your changes will be for nothing as you will revert to your old ways. And admit that at least you are "awake" now in your life. You are not the spectator you once were. Why not Enjoy that growth?
I really want to stay over for D's sake and make my usual Xmas dinner with all the trimmings but I can't be around WAW when she is with OM
Ever? What do your wife's activities after the evening ends, have to do with your ability to make the Christmas dinner nice, before hand?
Isn't it good to give your d a loving memory, less trauma AND give your w something to miss? Keep the memories fresh?
OR are you saying if your w dates OM, you want to end all family gatherings?
Here comes a 2 x 4, so get your helmet on...
Do you see what is steering your course of action now? Wounded pride and a petty desire to punish. Even at your d's expense.
.... plus will he ring her when I'm there to say Merry Xmas.... and what does he think of me staying over?
Who cares?
You did read the Div Busting books, right? They discuss this and how OM is NOT The cause of your problems but a symptom. And he should not be on your radar.
Im not sure what to do so any advice would be appreciated.
Do nothing different than becoming a man only a fool would leave. Be the better choice and stop thinking of OM at all.
Stay the course of GAL and becoming the best Bashy you can be.
And even if you decided internally to give yourself a deadline, at which point you will give up, well so, what would change outwardly in your behavior?
Why would an OM change the improvements you are making within? It wouldn't if the changes are real.
Keep on keeping on, knowing that most relationships after a m ends, are over within several months. You have been with your w over a decade so you know OM will get some things wrong.
But if you find out that OM is more well suited for your w than you are it will be either b/c you were really mismatched, in which case you can wish her well,
OR b/c you did not treat her well enough - and that would be a learning lesson for you
What would be different about marriage to you now, than before?
I mean whenever you imagine your wife saying she wants to reconcile - all you have ever said is how "SHE would have to change too".....you rarely if ever just look at your own issues.
You seem to get the scorecard out often so you won't feel too remorseful for long or so I guess. Scorecards do not belong in a marriage and they ruin all the marriages they poison with "keeping a record of wrongs", etc.
Point is, if she came back to you now, how would it be better for HER?
IF you cannot think of many ways it would improve for her, then can you see why she'd stay away?
Bashy, GAL, and detach. Keep being a great father to your d, who will need you even more now....and do not shut your d out of your life just so you can avoid her mom.
Hang in there. I actually think IF you are to reconcile, she'd probably need to date OMs to know that the grass is greener where you water it, (ie., at home, hopefully)
So this may be a step she needs to take to come home. You have to be the constant man in your d's life and keep up the changes you were making.
Does this^^ all (or mostly) make sense to you?
Good luck!
Hi bashy (and others) -- pressies is British for "presents". Bashy, the holidays are tricky. I don't want to spend those times pretending that life is normal, and I do want my H to see what life in the years to come will be like, with us splitting holidays. I also have family responsibilities pulling me back to my home state (far from where I currently reside). So I asked my H how he wanted to divide up the holidays this year (giving him authority, which is a 180 for me). He picked Thanksgiving, I get Xmas, he gets New Years. I'm traveling to my home state to visit family for Thanksgiving, and taking my D there for Xmas. I later told him that I don't mean to exclude him, that he's welcome to join in Xmas depending on where he is emotionally in Dec., but that I felt that I had to go ahead and make plans to be with my family (my father is having a cancer scare). So the door is open, but I'm also moving on with my life. I do want what is best for my D, but in some ways, dealing with the reality of the situation will be good for her. I don't want her to put any faith in an illusion. I can't guarantee her that this marriage will last.
HOWEVER, since she invited you, maybe it would be worth showing up. I try not to turn down invitations from my H these days, even if they result in me just listening to his narcissistic babbling about himself. It might give you clarity one way or another.
Ahoy,
Have you ever read DB or DR? I noticed that you post alot of advice that isn't exactly DBing. Just wondering.
"Bashy, GAL, and detach. Keep being a great father to your d, who will need you even more now....and do not shut your d out of your life just so you can avoid her mom."
Exactly!
[quote=Ahoy]Hi bashy (and others) -- pressies is British for "presents". Bashy, the holidays are tricky. I don't want to spend those times pretending that life is normal, and I do want my H to see what life in the years to come will be like, with us splitting holidays.
You think by splitting them all now, it helps? How so? Why not give him good memories to think of and how he will MISS those? Otherwise you are merely speeding up the coming bad times and not giving him any new positive images to counter the negative images he has, which he's used to justify leaving.
I also have family responsibilities pulling me back to my home state (far from where I currently reside). So I asked my H how he wanted to divide up the holidays this year (giving him authority, which is a 180 for me). He picked Thanksgiving, I get Xmas, he gets New Years.
So will your d then be splitting those days Sooner rather than later? how is that good for her?
I'm traveling to my home state to visit family for Thanksgiving, and taking my D there for Xmas. I later told him that I don't mean to exclude him, that he's welcome to join in Xmas depending on where he is emotionally in Dec., but that I felt that I had to go ahead and make plans to be with my family (my father is having a cancer scare).
So the door is open, but I'm also moving on with my life. I do want what is best for my D, but in some ways, dealing with the reality of the situation will be good for her. I don't want her to put any faith in an illusion.
I can't guarantee her that this marriage will last.
This is almost the opposite of what a family therapist suggested I do for our children. He said "do NOT tell your kids a divorce is happening until if and when you KNOW with 100% certainty that a divorce is happening. Why give them stomach aches they may not have to deal with if you work things out?
Give them as many good memories in the meantime that you can. And it gives the poss WAS something to miss as well. Create those positives while you can.
Then reassure your kid(s) about what will Not change in their lives. Like if they'll still be in the same school or house or neighborhood, focus on that part and be as detailed as you can be, about when they'll see each parent and how they are not going to lose the non custodial parent.
Ahoy, consider giving your d some hope rather than presenting the bleakest possibilities to her as "THE" realities coming. Besides no one can ever guarantee that their m will last or that they will be alive the next day.
RE your h, are you trying to Keep the road home, pave and smooth? It's a DB tenet that is not to confused with being a doormat.
But it does mean not to punish your spouse and not try to "teach him a lesson" b/c Life teaches them lessons, and gives them consequences...it's Not our job to do that, however tempting.
Make sense?
Hey 25 -- this isn't my thread -- it's bashy's.
As for me, I have brain tumors and my dad has possibly lymphoma, so I'm not going to waste my and my *real* family's precious time while my husband is "finding himself" (likely between the legs of another woman). I did invite him to join in, if he feels like it, but I have to GAL, and take care of myself, and that's what I'm doing. My daughter is a teenager, and I'm just addressing the questions she's asking me because she's old enough, and because I have to clarify what crazy H says (he moved out nearly two months ago, so no one is living under any illusions here).
I'm glad for you that you've restored your marriage. If my H wants to come back, I am keeping the path clear by not dating other people, by being positive, and inviting him to family holidays, but not pressuring him by forcing him to include me in his. I think that's pretty darn good, and if not, well heck, let's say it's the best I can do with a head full of brain tumors!
Ahoy. Your thread is full. Also, you're the best. That's all.
I missed your backstory...no idea you had tumors and all that must go along with that. Sending a big helping of compassion your way.
Heh guys. I havent been on the forum much as I have been detaching for real and GALing.... honestly. Started drum lessons recently. WOW!!! Loving it... now saving for an electronic kit as a real one would be too loud.
Meeting new friends in work including a young girl (well shes 10 years younger than me) that has recently split from her bf. Now before you guys say anything, yes, shes beautiful, but I love my wife. There is NOTHING going on and I am certainly not interested. She lives close by and she's made me dinner, we went to see a live band, went to the cinema... she's telling me about her ex, about guys chatting her up in work, asking my advice etc. Me, you say lol??!!! I know.
But anyway, she has a little cat and I asked could I bring my D round to meet it as D loves cats and dogs. So we went on Sat. D loved playing with it. We left after 30 mins and told me she loved the cat and that my work friend was 'very pretty'.
Soooo, WAW has been ringing me every other day about IVA and christmas etc. Since last convo I told her we'd buy our own presents but leave them under the one tree at her house. I said I'd love to stay.
Sooooo (again), I get a phone call from WAW today.... a day after she collected D from me and two days after D had been to friends house to see the cat. She tells me she needs a receipt from mortgage people when we go 'voluntary repossession' on our house ie giving the keys back. I say: 'no probs, I'll email you a copy'. She then proceeds to tell me that her benefits have dropped, she can no longer afford to leave or collect D and that I will now have to collect and leave D home every week. Then she tells me that she thinks xmas is a bad idea and that it's better if we do our own thing incase we have a row or something between now and then.
I was thinking....'were has all this come from'....then told her I can't afford to drive both ways as I'm saving for a house. She hits back that she isn't in a position to argue butI'd need to find a way as she can't afford it.
So I told her I'd need to go away and think about things. I didn't row and remained calm.
I wil definitely collect and take home D... no point her suffering. But annoyed at WAW. She obviously has enough money to go out with friends etc but not this.
Ah well, but it seems more than coincidence that a day after D probably told WAW about cat and 'my pretty friend' that this has all happened.
Thoughts guys and gals....
Well, it's been a while since I've posted.... so a little update.
I've just got confirmation that I'll be moving into a new rented home this weekend. I cannot wait!!! Will be great to have space for me and my D. I'll have a lot less disposable income than when living with my dad but it feels like a fresh start.
I'm continuing with my drum lessons. Really great stuff but I need some cash saved to buy my own set to practice. Wish I'd done this years ago.
As for the WAW.... not much to report. We attended our D's school for a regular meet with her teacher. Says D is a kind, generous and smart child. Doing well at school but needs to come out of her shell more. Otherwise he is confident she will progress well over the coming years.
Went to WAW's home after to discuss D going to big school next year. All pleasant. We get along fine. I still miss her though.
On my way out I walked past the window as my daughter stood watching me. I gave her a silly wave and blew extravagant kisses lol. She was laughing hard. Then WAW appeared at the window to wave at me in a silly way as well. I returned my kisses.
On the way home I heard about my new house so rang D and told her. She was so excited. Then she put WAW on who seemed surprised I had got my own place....I'd kind of mentioned it before but have been keeping contact to a minimum.
At present I feel like my marriage is over. But still no name change from WAW and we are getting along fine and well. She definitely sees me looking and smelling better than ever. I will continue on this journey.
Bashy your threads have been amazing. Very honest, encouraging and at the same time realistic. You exhibit so much self-control!!
I hope you are well. I am curious if the GAL and DB'ing is continuing?