Wife is giving mixed signals? I think? HELP! - 07/26/14 12:12 AM
Hello All,
I hope this letter finds you all in good spirits and your experience with the issue of divorce and reconciliation can help me. I have been an observer of this website and the forums for approximately 2 months and have learned important lessons. To be honest some of what I have learned has really hurt me, because I truly believed I was a good husband. I am currently reading through DB (pg. 132) and that is where my issue comes into to play. My wife has already said she “is done, we will never be happy” and the whole ILYBINILWY thing (hope that’s the correct acronym).
Anyway, here is a brief summary of marital issues I don’t want it to run too long because it gets hard to read all that sadness on other posts. About 2 years ago my wife had an affair with a guy she worked with and it about killed me. We ended up trying to save the marriage and work on things and initially it went well, but I began to get really cold inside. I had all these feelings that I didn’t really understand and whenever I mentioned counseling she would totally refuse. Partially because she was embarrassed by what she had done and because we tried once and the counselor was really judgmental to the point I had to stick up for my wife and we never went back. Well over that year things just got worse and I was the one that decided I wanted out and needed a break I felt that I needed time to heal and forgive. In November 2013 I asked for a separation and she moved out.
Approximately 2 weeks later I wrecked out at a charity race and broke my back, my leg (8 times) and tore a bunch of tendons. During this time and over about two months I realized that I loved her and that I wanted to fix it. So we tried to fix our marriage. We had a couple little “break ups” during this time, but for the most part things were progressively getting better and I had hope. The issues arose in May after I went to Las Vegas with my race team to support the other team members racing the EnduroCross and SuperCross race. The whole time I was in Vegas she text and was super nice and everything was good.
However, on the day I was flying home her grandfather died and things went downhill fast. I should mention that she was extremely close to her grandfather. I tried so hard to be there for her and show her I cared by trying to take her mind off of it and be extra nice and happy. I should mention that all my family members died very young so I never had grandparents or anything that and have never experienced a loss like that. While I was at her grandfathers house trying to be supportive her sister in law didn’t realize I could hear her talking bad about my wife. I told my wife what was said and instead of talk to me she went to her father and her dad freaked out on me. I decided that I was just going to go home, her family has never liked me and I was only there to try and support her, but after that I left.
We didn’t talk for a few days, I was mad she did that and I couldn’t attend the funeral and I am sure she was upset with me. But, I should mention that my wife never talks about her feelings and I don’t know what I am doing right or wrong most the time. Anyways, after a few days (Mothers day 2014) we talked and when she heard my side of the story she said it was silly she got that mad and that her family blew it out of proportion.
So this is where it gets spicy, on 17JUN14 she asked me to bring the girls over and watch a movie after she had dinner with friends. I went over around 8 after leaving a birthday party and she didn’t answer, but her car was there. I figured she fell asleep and I left with the girls. The next morning she came to my house and crawled into bed and gave me this amazing hug/snuggle like I could feel that she loved me. So while talking to her she tells me she got drunk at a guys house and passed out on the floor. It was like it was happening all over again and all I could think was the worst. I would also like to say that my first wife had an affair as well and that this is my second marriage and after her affair this passing out at a dudes house really hurt and angered me.
I have to be honest and admit that I blew up I was so mad, scared and hurt I didn’t know what to do. I said mean things “I don’t even want to effing look at you” stuff like that. I know I was wrong, but it just came out and I am really mad at myself almost 2 months later. About a week and a half later I had my final surgery from my accident and when she came to grab the girls I gave her a hug and said I told her I was sore. She gave me a hug and asked “why are you doing this? Hugging me like nothing is wrong?” I was like I am sorry I got mad, but she was like I’m done we’ll never be happy and you know it’s true. I told her I understand her side, but that it’s not fair to tell me how I feel and that I didn’t want a divorce. However, she wasn’t having it, so I asked again for counseling and that if it didn’t help it could just be divorce counseling with our daughters to help them. She said no to it all.
It has now been almost 2 months and this is where my questions begin. She says she is done and isn’t changing her mind, but she hasn’t filed yet and says it’s because she can’t afford it (that is a lie she has the money). She will ask my mom how I am or questions about my life. She still has wedding pictures up, she removed the one of us and its all of her, also my mom believes the one of us is next to her bed, but my mom isn’t sure. Anyway, there are also several other things she does that I as her husband see and I know something is going on inside her.
I guess my question’s are how long does this stuff take? What signs will they give? But most importantly how do I utilize the stuff in DB to a wife that has already left? Does that make sense? Like in the book it seems to be about couples that still talk and that’s an issue she doesn’t really talk to me.
I have been doing the normal stuff GAL, I go to a divorce groups at my church, I am doing a lot of extra stuff at work to keep me busy. You have to remember I have a broken back so it’s hard to do all the stuff we loved doing. Guys and Gals I really don’t want to lose my wife or my family and any advice is greatly appreciated.
Warmest Regards,
Adam
I hope this letter finds you all in good spirits and your experience with the issue of divorce and reconciliation can help me. I have been an observer of this website and the forums for approximately 2 months and have learned important lessons. To be honest some of what I have learned has really hurt me, because I truly believed I was a good husband. I am currently reading through DB (pg. 132) and that is where my issue comes into to play. My wife has already said she “is done, we will never be happy” and the whole ILYBINILWY thing (hope that’s the correct acronym).
Anyway, here is a brief summary of marital issues I don’t want it to run too long because it gets hard to read all that sadness on other posts. About 2 years ago my wife had an affair with a guy she worked with and it about killed me. We ended up trying to save the marriage and work on things and initially it went well, but I began to get really cold inside. I had all these feelings that I didn’t really understand and whenever I mentioned counseling she would totally refuse. Partially because she was embarrassed by what she had done and because we tried once and the counselor was really judgmental to the point I had to stick up for my wife and we never went back. Well over that year things just got worse and I was the one that decided I wanted out and needed a break I felt that I needed time to heal and forgive. In November 2013 I asked for a separation and she moved out.
Approximately 2 weeks later I wrecked out at a charity race and broke my back, my leg (8 times) and tore a bunch of tendons. During this time and over about two months I realized that I loved her and that I wanted to fix it. So we tried to fix our marriage. We had a couple little “break ups” during this time, but for the most part things were progressively getting better and I had hope. The issues arose in May after I went to Las Vegas with my race team to support the other team members racing the EnduroCross and SuperCross race. The whole time I was in Vegas she text and was super nice and everything was good.
However, on the day I was flying home her grandfather died and things went downhill fast. I should mention that she was extremely close to her grandfather. I tried so hard to be there for her and show her I cared by trying to take her mind off of it and be extra nice and happy. I should mention that all my family members died very young so I never had grandparents or anything that and have never experienced a loss like that. While I was at her grandfathers house trying to be supportive her sister in law didn’t realize I could hear her talking bad about my wife. I told my wife what was said and instead of talk to me she went to her father and her dad freaked out on me. I decided that I was just going to go home, her family has never liked me and I was only there to try and support her, but after that I left.
We didn’t talk for a few days, I was mad she did that and I couldn’t attend the funeral and I am sure she was upset with me. But, I should mention that my wife never talks about her feelings and I don’t know what I am doing right or wrong most the time. Anyways, after a few days (Mothers day 2014) we talked and when she heard my side of the story she said it was silly she got that mad and that her family blew it out of proportion.
So this is where it gets spicy, on 17JUN14 she asked me to bring the girls over and watch a movie after she had dinner with friends. I went over around 8 after leaving a birthday party and she didn’t answer, but her car was there. I figured she fell asleep and I left with the girls. The next morning she came to my house and crawled into bed and gave me this amazing hug/snuggle like I could feel that she loved me. So while talking to her she tells me she got drunk at a guys house and passed out on the floor. It was like it was happening all over again and all I could think was the worst. I would also like to say that my first wife had an affair as well and that this is my second marriage and after her affair this passing out at a dudes house really hurt and angered me.
I have to be honest and admit that I blew up I was so mad, scared and hurt I didn’t know what to do. I said mean things “I don’t even want to effing look at you” stuff like that. I know I was wrong, but it just came out and I am really mad at myself almost 2 months later. About a week and a half later I had my final surgery from my accident and when she came to grab the girls I gave her a hug and said I told her I was sore. She gave me a hug and asked “why are you doing this? Hugging me like nothing is wrong?” I was like I am sorry I got mad, but she was like I’m done we’ll never be happy and you know it’s true. I told her I understand her side, but that it’s not fair to tell me how I feel and that I didn’t want a divorce. However, she wasn’t having it, so I asked again for counseling and that if it didn’t help it could just be divorce counseling with our daughters to help them. She said no to it all.
It has now been almost 2 months and this is where my questions begin. She says she is done and isn’t changing her mind, but she hasn’t filed yet and says it’s because she can’t afford it (that is a lie she has the money). She will ask my mom how I am or questions about my life. She still has wedding pictures up, she removed the one of us and its all of her, also my mom believes the one of us is next to her bed, but my mom isn’t sure. Anyway, there are also several other things she does that I as her husband see and I know something is going on inside her.
I guess my question’s are how long does this stuff take? What signs will they give? But most importantly how do I utilize the stuff in DB to a wife that has already left? Does that make sense? Like in the book it seems to be about couples that still talk and that’s an issue she doesn’t really talk to me.
I have been doing the normal stuff GAL, I go to a divorce groups at my church, I am doing a lot of extra stuff at work to keep me busy. You have to remember I have a broken back so it’s hard to do all the stuff we loved doing. Guys and Gals I really don’t want to lose my wife or my family and any advice is greatly appreciated.
Warmest Regards,
Adam