Three weeks in to my husband sleeping in a different bed and I blow it. I blow the basic rules and I plead, cry, lay out all the ways I'm going to change... To no avail, of course. I've been owning 18 years of faults, apologizing and promising change (yes, I read DB and DR but maybe I should beat myself over the head with them because that might convince me to actually follow what's in the books). Has he even ONCE in three weeks admitted to a single fault? No. Not one. Our marriage is falling apart and it's apparently 100% my fault. I've made him hate himself. I've made him dead inside. I'm bitter. And now he's staying overnight in a $600/night room by the beach because he needs to meditate. He didn't call to say goodnight to our daughter who is really confused by what is going on. I'm bitter that one person in a marriage has the power to destroy my life and my daughter's life without having to own any part of the failure. Grrr!! Anger stage!
Mine actually blamed me for making sucidal, he had trees picked out he intended to drive into to end it all!
He had an ow! Yeah right all may fault. I would not be suprised if he has no idea ever of how to even meditate, and I would prepare your self in case their is an op.
So, after my set back of begging and pleading despite everything I know, I'm standing again and following LRT. He came home from his "meditation" stay at that pricey hotel to find D6 and I watching a movie on the couch (something we don't often do). He asked to join us and it was a lovely evening. I went to bed early but he wanted to talk about what he thought about in his over-priced hotel. He's decided to move out but "thinks" he can forgo filing official separation docs (had no idea this existed) and would consider seeing a therapist with me to either help me come to terms with the divorce that he wants or to say something uber enlightening to him to make him want to stay. No pressure on that marriage therapist, huh? I've inquired about a two day intensive with Michelle but wow, it's pricey. Cheaper than a divorce for sure but not cheap if we get the divorce anyway. Maybe the phone coaching will be enough? I just don't know.
Anyway, back to my LRT...
I was energetic and responsive but not fake or sarcastic or belittling (big for me!). I listened and validated but ended the convo every time. I'm kind and attentive but not needy or pushy or hovering at all. I'm treating him like I would a friendly room mate. Respectfully but with no obligations. After this 180 on my part and our talk last night about him moving out and considering therapy, etc., he came knocking on my door and very intensely asked if I had something to tell him because I was acting very differently compared to Friday and it made him very curious. I simply said, "I'm taking this time to think, that's all." He asked me if I was sure (what does he think???) I had nothing to tell him. I confirmed that I didn't and that I am just taking time to think, much like he is. He's flummoxed and I'm glad. I'm trying to fill my schedule up like crazy because spending time with friends is really helpful, whether they know my current sitch or not. I'm looking at flights to spend some time with my BFF who just had her first child. I've applied for 10 jobs (in the public sector which makes it hard because the recruitment processes for public sector positions are looooooong). I'm reading, looking into modern script and calligraphy classes and watching sunsets nightly. In short, I'm GAL!! I hear Gloria Gaynor off in the distance reminding me that I WILL SURVIVE!!
Nice! Sounds like you are doing great, all things considered. Keep it up!
This is such a lame question but I would like your input (I'm going to have to create another post detailing our story because I've not really done that yet-sorry)... My H is still living at home until he find a place to move for the separation... Should I continue to do his laundry? I told you it was stupid. What do you think?
Dont create another post, you need to keep this limited to as few posts as possible so that your story stays together. Yes you should keep doing his laundry while he is living there. How can you get out of it without looking like youre doing it to be cold or spiteful??
In a word, NO. Let him find out what doing for himself when he moves will be like.
Don't pack his lunch or his clothes. Find something else to do when he goes. Make sure he knows he has no drop by, come over for dinner or TV privileges.
Think through the boundaries you need to set in order for him to understand the consequences of his choices.
It almost sounds like he is your older child who is testing the rules. I would think he is as conflicted and confused as you are but you seem to be much more aware of the impending realty of his choices. Hold him accountable.
Ooops I misread the sitch. Yes, continue what you are doing while he is home. I agree with Ben. My thoughts were for when he leaves.
Sorry for any confusion on my part. It seems to happen a lot at my age. lol
Ben and aw thank you! I'll continue to do his laundry until he leaves. Status quo. Got it.
Ancient warrior, I'm amazed at your perception regarding being an older child testing the rules. Way back (you know, two or three weeks ago - lol) when he was talking about finding a place I told him he'd not be permitted to drop by willy nilly. He seemed shocked by that. Like I wouldn't let him into his own house. Um, hello. You picked this route buddy. You want a separation, it means we're separated. I have my place, you have yours. If you need something in the house, you need to make arrangements with me to get it when I'm home, not drop by when you decide you need something. We don't hang out on weekends together with our daughter and pretend to be this power divorced couple and I think he truly thinks that's what's going to happen. This will be hard for him, I know, because he's forgetful and scattered so he'll need something, ask if he can come over to get it "real quick" and I won't be home to help out. I want to be kind and whatnot but I'm not going to bend over backwards to be accommodating. Hold him accountable, ancient warrior? Oh yes, I sure will.
SS,
Just checking in here. Sounds like you are on the right track.
(Don't beat yourself up for any mistakes made at the beginning. I made a billion mistakes... for months! Maybe that is why I'm where I'm at.)
Hang in there!
Thanks, Claire. Your encouragement means a lot.
I need help with something else:
My husband bought a groupon a few months ago for admission to a museum for two. We both forgot about it and while I was buying another groupon right now I saw it and asked him about it. He suggested we go together. WHAT.?!!?? I know he thinks we'd be great friends (his words were, "I don't have a dart board with your face on it or anything") but isn't this a tad weird? Can I use this to my advantage or is this a very bad idea. See, H thinks we'd be great divorced, great as friends, great co parents, etc., but I want to save the marriage! If we can be good together while not married in his head, why can't we be good together and work on the marriage???? I'm so lost! I feel like I'm going insane here.
No advice, but I can totally relate!
I want to give MWD my H's phone number and have her give him a piece of her mind!!
That desire for a friendship is a tricky spot. I'm facing what might be a parallel situation. I'm asking my DB coach about it. I'll let you know what I learn Thursday night.
I'm in a different spot. My wife asked me to leave a month ago and is filing. Now she says she hopes we can be friends. I don't want to be friends. I want to stay married. Seems like being friends is allowing her to cake eat a bit and avoid reality. I am asking myself how close I'd want to be with her if she was remarried. Probably not very. So I'm setting my boundaries at the line I'd draw if that were the case.
Now, maybe I'm wrong and there is an advantage to continuing to be very loving. Particularly because my STBX once referenced something about "maybe we'll grow closer and be back together, the future is unknown" and is divorcing somewhat reluctantly. So I'll let you know the advice I get. And I don't know how to do it when you're still in the same house. The above is just how I feel. Not spiteful, just showing him the future. The reason you're not spiteful and the difference between that and giving up is that you're still working on changes that may attract him back.
Oh, and as for husband asking for any other thoughts, one mantra and reply I like is "I don't want to go back to the relationship we had. Anything from here would have to be a new R where it worked better for both of us"
Finally, FYI. Your h seems to be very manipulative. Honestly in my R I was a jerk and did something similar to a lesser extent. Basically I told my W that I was defeated and about ready to give up but that I loved her and was hoping for a miracle. Essentially I was trying to get her to be the one that changed. Wasn't man enough to face the music until she moved on a few months later. So this entire "inspire me that I should believe you can meet my standards" is pretty similar and not too cool. I like what you're doing and if he's anything like me he might turn around quick if you show him you're fed up with it.
Sorry, one of my worst posts ever, hopefully one paragraph was worthwhile, if not know I'm pulling for you!!!
Zues, I'm trying really hard not be angry at his, "I'm done, you did this to me, you made me a shell of a man and I don't want to be married to you but let's be BFF" manipulation tactic and just take notice that I DO need to make changes. Changes that have been a long time in coming. I'm just ashamed it took THIS for me to actually do it. I've been ready for ages to make these changes, and more, but I was always waiting for him to do some changing too so it would be fair and balanced and equal effort. Sick right? Ugh. I did tell him I didn't feel responsible for him abandoning his own self respect. He responded, "no, you're responsible for many other things though." Ok then. I'm not afraid to own my stuff, to dig deep for change and make them lasting and permanent and meaningful. I WANT that but I want to do it with him by my side, not as his BFF after a divorce. If we can be friends for the sake of our daughter during a separation and imminent divorce, why can't we be friends IN our marriage and work on it properly?
I think you hit he nail on the head. His "inspire me that I should believe you can meet my standards" position has it me in a bad spot but I CAN meet those standards even though I shouldn't have to... Then he falls back on, "but I can't try anymore, I'm done".
Journaling: I can't help but think and get caught up on the fact that if the tables were turned and I left, he wouldn't fight for us. Not at all. He'd let me go and let the marriage die. He doesn't know how to work on this kind of stuff and can't admit that. He'd just say, " well, that's what she wants, what can I do" which his SAME attitude in the marriage. "I dont like how things are going so I'm going to wait until she gets the hint and then I'm going to leave because I can't put up with anymore". How am I supposed to work my way with that? And how do I build hope in someone who can't wait to be my BFF once we're divorced??
What i am going to say is not in order to be mean to you....but you may need individual therapy to see what drove you to destroy your H's manhood. Clearly, you did not respect him. Like many typical LBS's it shook you up when he finally had enough. Now, you are panicking and afraid of D.
You need deep work on your problems. How much has this behavior affected your child? You said she had a lot of issues. Do you have a history of treating people the way you've treated your H? Frankly, I am surprised he wants to be friends with someone who would shred him to bits.
I probably don't have to tell you that a H will turn to another woman who will make him feel like a man when his own W has destroyed him. But I don't think you've really learned your lesson, and you haven't changed in just three weeks. I'm sure you have attempted, but it takes much longer to really set. You are more focused on getting him back, at this point, and it will cause you to stumble even more in those changes. I think you will have to release him and work extremely hard for a very long time, with perhaps professional help, in order to completely change over to the kind of woman you want to be. No amount of pleading will convince him it will be different if he stays. He will have to see proof that your changes are permanent and not just tactics to get him back.
You can't make him own his part of the breakdown of the M. Trust me, I know how infuriating that is! But all you can change is yourself. All you can own is your part. The blame game gets you nowhere. (I speak from experience.) He is responsible for his own changes, or even if he wanted to or not. That would be something you would have to consider. Would you accept him the way he is, or do you want him back with intentions of changing him?
Once you fix yourself, if he does decide to give it another chance, I hope you will find a solution-based MC to help you both reconcile and get through the piecing stages. Even successful DBers often need help in the piecing.
Btw, you may have every reason to be bitter. But the bitterness will act just like a cancer. It doesn't spite anyone but yourself. It is a terrible way to live, and nobody will want to live with you. You are still young enough to turn yourself around. Become the warm, supportive, and loving woman you really want to be.
Sandi, I appreciate your comments and I think you're right even though it hurt to read your words. I started this thread not intending for it to be as flippant as it has become on my part and it doesn't represent how intent I am on significant, long term and meaningful change because, like you said, it's necessary. I know my husband is hurt and broken and I know it's because of me. It has only been three weeks so of course I'm not finished learning my lesson. There is still lots of soul searching and self reflection to do and I'm up for the work. I know he needs to see evidence that my changes are REAL and lasting and not a ploy for his recommitment. I know. I know. I really do know. I am lost and struggling and grasping for sure but my path is becoming more clear to me about what I have to do as far as change within myself so that *I* know I am ready for a R of ANY kind. I am in individual therapy as well as talking to a DB coach regarding all of this. I have a plan, solid but achievable goals and, I hope, a support system via this board. One breath at a time I will make the necessary changes, find out why I was such a monster and develop methods for me to cultivate further personal change.
Secondly, my bitterness is waning because I'm understanding more and more every day how that holds me back. There are times for anger and frustration and it's important to find healthy ways to release those emotions but I know this isn't some kind of quick fix. Repairing years of damage takes time and if anyone is bitter, it's my H. I understand.
I appreciate you calling me out, Sandi. The truth is sometimes hard to hear.
Gosh, we're in such similar spots. I've been trying to change myself since BD 5 weeks ago and it hurts that my credit is no good. I, too, made the mistake of wanting her to change. When I tried to I felt I was the only one working on the R. And even though I'm realizing I was a bit of a monster, she still has some issues that may be a deal breaker if she doesn't own them...except for one thing...I DON'T believe in D and would probably learn to live with some hurt and disappointment my entire life because I figure that's life, no one gets everything they dream of, but I'd rather be disappointed with someone I love forever than on my own.
One thing I've been trying to do to help get beyond my hurt caused by my traditional point of view is to really learn HER point of view. Reading books on how to understand women. Rereading her old emails closer and trying to see the pattern of what she was telling me. Trying to figure out which of her needs I was trampling, and how it must have felt.
For example, I used porn during our R and was very frustrated with our sex life. Sex was one of my most primal needs and she never came close to understanding that. I felt like she didn't love me because she either didn't know or love who I really was...someone that wanted to be WITH HER. It hurt so bad I couldn't see past it. So when I read books or online posts, I was always reading stuff that echoed my point of view so I felt validated, and even tried getting her to read it so SHE would understand ME.
Now I'm doing the opposite. I'm trying to find articles/books on other women dealing with a demanding and delusional H with unrealistic sexual expectations and immature and manipulative tactics when faced with rejection. It's hard to read, it hurts me just to hear that point of view. But it's really good practice for me to deal with those emotions and start to learn where those insecurities are coming from on my end. Like a doctor saying 'does it hurt there' I am trying to figure out where I'm most broken so I can try to take healing steps. And I'm practicing validating her POV in my mind by reading these other things and trying to see past myself.
What specifically do you think you did wrong in the M?
Why was this so difficult for you?
What are you doing to try to get to the heart of that issue?
Maybe it would help if you talked more about the growth you're working on instead of the day by day events. Remember, that's superficial and we can't believe any of it...look deeper, be strong, and take care of yourself!!! Praying for you.
I wish i could hug you, Zues, because I can relate to so much of what you're saying.
My H's LL is words of affirmation and physical touch. I am terrible with both of these. I used to feel that attempting to love him the way he wanted to be loved should come easily lest it feel and be interpreted as fake or disingenuous. This was my way of not having to work too hard at it, I think. I always said that I wasn't sure how to verbally affirm him without it sounding scripted. Now, after reading DB and DR I realize that I don't need to understand why he needs what he needs, I just need to give him what he needs. Yet here I sit still not sure how to affirm him verbally beyond saying thank you or telling him he did a great job at something or that I'm proud of him for something. And then that makes me wonder if I was actually OK at words of affirmation but his expectations are just too high and no one could actually make him happy in that department. Ugh, but that can't be true, right? What other ways can I verbally affirm him, show him that I care, that I think he's great, awesome in fact, a hero in many ways??? Then the physical touch... oy. I'm not great at affection and because it doesn't come naturally I was again worried about it seeming forced, scripted and disingenuous. Why was I so worried about what it seemed? I think because i didn't want to do it wrong so I didn't do it very often. I'd ask for feedback and he'd say, "that's nice" when I'd stroke his back in the car or hold his hand, rub his arm, scratch his back, rub his neck but that's it. I'd ask him to show me what he wants in the way of affection. You know, like love me the way you want to be loved. Never happened. He'd never reach for my hand, touch me, be affectionate with me. We were never the couple who kissed when we parted or came home to each other, despite both our wishes in that department. I think we were just to go-go-go, task oriented, let's get out the door type people and we both could benefit from slowing down and paying closer attention to each other. I think he wanted to feel cherished and my goodness, who doesn't?! I want to give that to him. I want him to feel cherished, loved, as though he is special to me, appreciated, affirmed and simply liked. I feel like these are inalienable rights one should have in a marriage and I neglected to give him those feelings.
So, to answer your question about what i specifically did wrong, Zeus, I neglected and abused our marriage by not taking special care of it in general, in thousands of ways but mostly by not actively honoring my H's needs for basic care. I'm a type A person to the core. I'm very action oriented (can you guess that my LL is acts of service??), goal oriented and I get things done, tasks done. Emotionally caring for my husband was not something I even put on my list. He wanted to connect with me via physical touch and sex and I wanted him to emotionally connect with me via acts of service and to look me in the eye every once in a while to SEE me. We did the chicken egg thing for too long and now here we are. I was so afraid of being vulnerable, of putting myself out there emotionally because I was partly afraid of rejection, yes, but mostly because I was afraid my efforts wouldn't be recognized and that would hurt too much and take the wind completely out of my sails. I think I felt like I was never going to satisfy him so I wanted credit for trying, for my good intention but he needed me to actually SUCCEED. Duh! I've always said that good intentions pave to road to hell and the effort I put into our marriage was full of good intentions... and now we're in hell. How's that for just desserts, huh?
What am I trying to do to get to the heart of the matter? I am exploring why I feel like my feelings matter over his. Honestly I think a lot of it comes down to how I see my dad. He is very cerebral and I'm not sure ever had an unplanned emotion in his life and I wonder if I see all men like that. I married a very creative, golden hearted man who is the complete opposite of a linear thinker but that doesn't mean he doesn't FEEL or need connection. This is all stuff I knew but never really processed or saw my role in. I always just assumed that people are who they are and will continue to be who they are. I'm realizing now that H needs affirmations that I like who he is. That I appreciate his efforts, his insight, his opinions, HIM.
I read Sex Starved Marriage but I need to re-read it cover to cover because it's so profound I need to take notes and underline like crazy. I never realized that my physical rejection of sex was such a deep and profound emotional rejection to H. How could i not realize that? I've been so obtuse about things like that that I'm ashamed but shame isn't productive. My emotional and sexual neglect of my H has made him turn to porn, lots and lots of porn. He has even contacted escorts though he has said he has never met up with any. I see my role in all of that. Clearly.
What I'm doing:
1. continuing with LRT and GAL, being kind not needy, friendly not flirty, mysterious but not suspicious.
2. I am taking personal inventory on all the ways I've neglected and abused this marriage. I need to make a list in writing because that will lead me to more action and allow me to break each item down into step by step solutions.
3. Breathing. The ache inside me is so heavy and so strong. Refocusing and breathing is helping.
4. STFU- I'm shutting up. I'm not critical at all, I'm not judging at all, I'm not getting in the way of his parenting our daughter (they fight horribly but he can handle it, I trust him). I'm extending that to my face too, no facial "commenting".
Thoughts? Suggestions?
I'm open to suggestions on other things I can be doing. I meet with my DB coach on Friday so we'll talk about this too.
I am learning how to listen more closely to H's needs and see what i can do to make changes that will support him better. I'm conflicted. On one hand I wonder if trying to be there for him, being available to listen, to engage in general talk and show him that I care, that I appreciate him, his efforts, etc... is showing him the changes I am making, etc. but on the other hand is it hovering? Needy? Pursuing? How can I be emotionally supportive without hovering and pursuing?
Please help.
I'm at work, hopefully will have time to post more later. But you're doing a great job, not to say you can't go further, but it's an impressive start.
I'd encourage you to look up my thread for the flip side. You might be right about never being able to meet his expectations. My thread talks about why that is. Bottom line, if he doesn't feel good enough on his own you can't fill the he for him.
HOWEVER, that doesn't mean what you do doesn't matter. Even if he's delusional in a world of fantasy, impossible expectations, and crippled self worth...he isn't a fool. If you become the woman only a fool would leave, detach, heal the void in your own self (the one that triggered your hurt which in turn blocked your willingness to be more attentive to your H), and allow him to see those changes...he may not fall into your arms. But he might realize as you drift away that he's trading a very attractive reality which, while imperfect, trumps the heck out of a very soulless fantasy.
So have faith. He may never work on himself. But become the woman you want and you'll give him a good reason to grow up. And if, as may unfortunately be the case, he doesn't...you'll be stronger, have a better relationship with yourself, and ready to move into a brighter future. But regardless of what you see you don't have to give up hope. Again, read my thread. See how I behaved, and how I'm going to the ends of the earth to transform myself now. Didn't happen until my STBX started moving on...
Make each day a small win and have faith in yourself!
It's not easy to face these things about ourselves. I can identify with a lot you've mentioned. I could give WOA to others, but felt so fake if I tried with my H.
Start with small things and work up to more and more, then it will become more natural. I think the hardest part is to just "do it" in spite if how awkward it makes you feel. Getting over that hurdle that has held you back and hurt your MR.
He may need you to be his cheerleader to encourage him in his work, or whatever he attempts at home. I learned the hard way that men don't respond well to critisim from the wife. He can take it from anyone but his spouse. The male ego is so fragile. We women have the power to tear that ego apart.....or build him up to believe he can handle whatever he's facing. I think our men really need us to admire them! (Which does not come naturally for me.). We can start the admiration by showing respect for our H. Being careful of the tone of voice we use when speaking to him.....or about him. Being careful of our facial expressions toward him, b/c that says volumes.
You can take the opportunity to teach your D and at the same time direct WOA toward your H. During a conversation at the dinner table, or wherever, bring up something you can brag on daddy. "Didn't daddy do a geat job putting the swing set together? All those screws he had to fit in those little holes!". Of course, you say something like this in front of him. He is recognized for the job he accomplished (which is important to anyone) and to speak appreciation for what he did. And it teaches your child to respect him and sets a platform for how she will treat her future H. It's small, but a start.
Probably the hardest is controlling the tongue and a critical spirit. It's not easy breaking these very old behaviors.....but it is possible! When I read this latest post from you, I thought, "This sister is getting it. She has acknowledged what she did wrong. Has goals she's working on. Seeking guidance on going forward.".
I think you have a shot at this. But at times you may feel as if you are trying to raise the dead b/c of his feelings of being completely done. You are task orientated so set daily goals that have baby steps in reinventing yourself. Think of how you influence your H and child and do or say something that shows them you are proud of them for little day to day things. Showing a warm, sweet, and calm spirit can't help but have a positive effect.
I will be eager to hear how it goes. Oh, I assume you know he will probably think you are being so nice just to lure him back, and then you'll return to old behavior. So this has to be a life long transition for you. It will be up to him as to how he responds. But in time, I believe he will be drawn to you, b/c he fell in love with once before.......and it can happen again.
I have direction and that makes me feel stronger. Sandi, thanks again for your insight and encouragement. I appreciate it more than you know.
I am pretty good at affirming h through our daughter. Things like, "are we so fortunate to be able to do these fun things because daddy work SO hard" or "isn't it nice to have a nice clean car? Daddy takes such good care of his girls." All in his presence but he needs more and that is my challenge. There are so many things about him I admire bur recently he completed a big project and we attended the party to celebrate the efforts of all those who worked on it. I was so proud and didn't hold back on telling him. I worked hard at being the "Hollywood wife" by remembering names, asking about their recent projects, etc but I LOVED talking h up and hearing others praise his talents. The whole night I was glowing because I was so proud and I felt honored to be with him at such a big event... Which I also shared with him and went on and on. He thanked me but I got he feeling it wasn't what he wanted to hear... Maybe because he couldn't get the [censored] talking I've done out of his head and it wasn't consistent... Probably, now that I type that out.
Anyway, yet another thing to explore and work on. Just pile it on because I'm up to the task!
Being consistent is key. Validating him is like food for his soul. It will take time for him to see it's the real thing and not a gimmic to get him back. The WAS has a fear if they return to the LBS it will be the same old MR as before. And so many well meaning LBS fall back into those old habits, when just six months esrlier they were swearing their changes were permanent.
People can reinvent themselves, but it is not easy. The desire to be better has to feed the drive. And never, ever take your H and M for granted.
How I wish I could go back in time and do things differently. But I can try to make the most of the time I have left.
Sandi - I just wanted to thank you for your points on cheerleading and criticism.
I don't think I've been very good about doing these things for my H., especially when I haven't felt like he hasn't been meeting my needs. Admiring doesn't come easily for me either, and it's been especially challenging since I've been the breadwinner and doing a good bit of housework on top of work.
I'm wondering now if that's been feeding into our situation and making it even more difficult for him to both feel like I value and respect him on top of the fact that I've been physically and somewhat emotionally withdrawn.
This might be something to work on...
I can sure understand. It's hard to express admiration when you have trouble finding any. Start with simple things and work up.
I found it helped to make references back to when we were dating. I could draw from those feelings and share with him I liked this or that about him, or talk about a funny time between us. It helped me to break my own ice, I guess. I always felt so fake when trying to express admiration. But he needed it, so I had to work at consciously looking for something good to say. At least, thank him for doing things for me and the family.
Appreciation and admiration are said to be the top needs for men (not counting sex). And when they suffer from a lack of it from the W, another woman can bat her eyes and butter him up for the A. Let's face it, as females we usually know how to make a man feel like we see him being god's gift to the world........when we are trying to catch him. We build his ego and he thinks we are great! Some of us may not find the words so easily, but he can see it in how we look at him. The eyes tell the story.
Sadly, after marriage, many women stop doing what they did in order to get him. But I believe if women will become more like the girl he fell in love with, he will respond positively. May take time, though........and consistency.
I'm sorry for the thread hijack, ss.
Sandi, if you have the time, I'd appreciate any comments you have on my thread. I've really appreciate your advice and feel like I could use some straight talk.
Sandi you are such a hot commodity around here
haha