Hi I am new here. here is my story. Married for 22 years, S18, D20, H left 7 months ago saying he was not happy, had not been happy for years, "is this it?" etc. He swore there was nobody else. Found out a few days later he was in a relationship with someone who lives 30 miles away. it is still going on.
He is in a rented house. In the last few weeks he has been seen several times with OW and I seen them both together last week.
I am devastated and feel my life is over. Trying to keep it all together for the sake of kids/work/house, but am struggling. He is living the good life, all cosy and loved up while I still feel the same way about him as always. I have not pleaded, begged or made a fool of myself, but have on a couple of occasions lost it with him and told him he is the only one who is happy and has ruined our lives. He does not seem to care. I have support of friends and family but feel they are so busy with their own lives, families and problems I do not want to burden them too much. He comes to see kids most days, and only stays for 5 or 10 mins, it is so awkward between us, but we remained polite and made small talk. Since I saw him with OW he has not spoken to me and seems angry with me (I waved at them when I saw them - don't know why).
Our marriage was happy - the last year was not - we had a disagreement which we could not resolve, I dug my heels in and realise I could have done more but I really did not think he would ever become involved with someone else and leave.
My life feels so off balance, I still cry most days.
If anyone can offer me any advice on where I should go from here i would be so grateful.
Thanks so much xx
Sorry that you find yourself on here. You won't find a better group of individuals who are willing to help you get through this and save your M. Can you give us some of your marriage history?
Also, if you haven't done so already, get the Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy book. They're great resources and is a must to understand the concepts we talk about on here.
Stacey, so sorry you're here, but you are definitely in the right place. Ditto to everything Mr.Bond says.
Definitely read Divorce Remedy and take it to heart, particularly the detaching and "get a life" (GAL) information. It will comfort you and give you direction.
Keep posting here and read other peoples threads to get your bearings. We've got your back. As we get more of your details you'll get better and better advice.
Hugs to you, and take care of yourself. It does get better.
Thank you so much Mr Bond and Maybell for your kind words. I am just losing hope as the days are going by and I see his R with OW getting stronger. Our M was happy and I have loads of great Christmas and holiday memories I will treasure, but even the day to day stuff was good,we got on well, laughed at the same things, walked together in the evenings. But his view on the M is now so different from mine.
DB arrived yesterday, but I haven't read it yet. Looking back I can see I had jealousy issues - H is a very attractive guy and is never short of female attention. He has not had an A to my knowledge, but there have been several indiscretions over the years - flirtations that went a bit too far, and I hated that. So whenever he said he was going out with the boys, an arguement started but we always made up. Up until last year that is. I would not back down and when I eventually did it was too late - he had distanced himself from me and appeared to have moved on. That's when the "I've not been happy for years" started.
If I could go back I would have handled things a lot differently - I can see now that by stopping someone from doing something they want to do will only make them want it more. I wish I'd came across these forums before all our problems started! I would do anything to have him back, and of course I would not try and stop him going out with friends and doing what he wanted.
I feel this should have been our time, the kids are older we could have been planning things together but instead he seems to be happy with OW. And it's killing me.
Does anybody know if there is anything I can do to change things, has anybody been in a similar sitch to mine and turned things around? Now he appears to be not speaking to me at all I just don't know what to do.
Thanks so much
Stacey xx
Read the books. That would be a good start.
Can you tell us more about your M issues and what else might have been going on, including your role? Be honest with yourself. We can't help you if you sugarcoat things. The more detailed you can get, the better.
Yes, please tell us specifically what HE would say if he were here and we asked him what problems existed.
And then you can feel free to tell us how YOU saw it differently and what you are willing to work on. Of course there is hope, you are quite new to this.
And DO READ THE BOOK(S) b/c they'll help you no matter what stage you are in.
Don't talk yourself out of working on this,
and don't talk yourself into letting anger or a wounded ego, make your choices for you. BTW, I gave my marriage a "10% chance of surviving" in 2006, and I meant it.
But I'm still here. Yes you can turn things around, but take in the information we give you. Process it and don't skim over the "harder parts".
Give this simple but radically different approach to marital problems --- a real chance.
okay - if he was here I think he would say he felt trapped and could not do whatever he wanted when he wanted. Just before he left and we were having a heart to heart he did say he was fed up looking after everybody, he just wanted to look after himself and come and go as he pleased. Ironically since he has been with OW straight after he left me, he has not done anything other than be with her every weekend, there have been no planned trips with the boys etc (I heard this through mutual friends).
He is a very attractive, charming and confident man and I would love to be able to say well at least he chose me, but the truth is he didn't - it was me who chose him, and pursued him and decided this is the man I want to be with. Sure, he did love me but I do feel if he had the chance to do it all again, he maybe wouldn't.
Even on occasions I have been with him, I can see other women giving him the eye and I can only imagine how easy it must have been for him when I was not there. Hence all the arguing about nights out etc.
He also told me before he left that he was going for a walk in the evening with me just to keep me happy for spending a bit of time with me, when really he wanted to be playing his sports etc.
When I finally confronted him about the OW, he said it is somebody he met at work, been friends for a long time and that nothing was going on prior to him leaving. He also said if he stayed with me he would be unhappy for the rest of his life, which was heartbreaking to hear.
I am very insecure and am not as extroverted as he is, he finds it easy to talk to people and make friends and I struggle with this. So I think I was jealous of him also - everything seem to come easy to him.
I don't think I appreciated him enough, he worked hard for us, we have a nice house and he made me feel safe. I really miss that.
But he did not appreciate me either, in the 9 months prior to him leaving he stopped wearing his ring and I never questioned him about it. I just stopped wearing mine too - mature huh? He did not show me any attention or want to go out anywhere with me, he just became completely withdrawn. When I realised he was was serious about leaving I tried to talk to him about how I really felt, I did not want him to go, but it was too late.
In 2012 we had another big row about the same sort of thing and I asked him to leave. He stayed with his brother, but after 2 days begged to come home. He was really distressed, he missed me, the kids, his life. He said he loved me and could not imagine life without me. I felt he meant what he said then, and things were great for a while after that but we didn't really speak about the issues which caused it all in the first place.
Now when he comes round to see the kids I do not know what to do with myself. I have been polite to him and make small talk, but I have this overwhelming urge to reach out and touch him!
Now he is not speaking to me at all since I saw him with the OW.
Sorry for such a long post, thank you for showing an interest in my problems and trying to help me. I really appreciate it.
Stacey xx
Yes mrbond I am still here still waiting on my post appearing as I'm still new here. H came round today I attempted to speak to him but he's still not talking and looks at me with contempt in his eyes. It's just awful.
Just don't know what to do.
Stacey x
hi, I'm hoping someone can help me with this. H was round tonight, still not talking, when I said hello he looked as if he'd rather I didn't speak at all. Then just before he left he asked if he could speak to me about the finances. Since he left he is still paying the mortgage and I am paying the bills. I asked what he meant and he said how we are going to take things forward. I told him I thought the finances should be dealt with by lawyers and he said well that's what we need to speak about. The D word was not mentioned but I'm thinking that's what he wants.
The relationship with the OW seems to have stepped up a gear and I suspect she may have moved in with him. He introduced her to some of his family members and I think it must be really serious.
I am distraught and don't know what to do. How should I deal with things? He is coming round to speak to me next Wednesday when I have the house to myself to discuss things. He just seems so far gone to even contemplate any talks about R with me. Should I agree to D? I don't want one obviously, I still love him. What should I do?
Thanks
Stacey
Hi Stacey very sorry you find yourself here. Have you read Sandi's 37 rules at the top of the newcomers thread? Start there. You will hear the word GAL a lot. It means to get a life. Focus on you. Exercise eat well and look happy when around him. Don't pursue him as it will push him away. Look your best at all times, look busy act "as if" everything is fine...
Take a step back and just listen to what he has to say. Don't agree to anything. We are fragile at the beginning when something like this occurs. When fragile you are bound to agree to anything as long as the spouse stays. It doesn't happen like that. Just listen and breath.
Stacey,
If you do not want a D, then do not help with the D process. Make him do the work for it. As for the OW, remember most of these things die out after 6 months. Right now he is in a fog, and cannot see or think clearly. He sees her grass as super green. But just remember, her yard is full of dog poop just like everyone else's. Once he starts stepping in the piles, he will realize this new OW is not the utopia he once thought. Keep working on yourself, and being the woman he would be a fool to leave.
Thank you both for great advice. Pilot what you said about ow makes me feel much better but I do think their R has been going on for about a year, looking back that's when he really detached from me.
Do you think I should tell him I don't want a D? Should I act like I don't care?
So confused and sad😞
X
Stacey he knows you don't want a D. But You can always say "H I don't want a D, but I won't stop you". In reality divorces are only needed to be initiated by one person and there is no stopping it. Act happy, don't let him see you sweat.
don't act like you don't care... read the chapter in DR referring to The Last Resort Technique. That's what Rick is referring to above when he talks about Sandi's list of things you can do. That list of things will make you feel like you have some control and it starts with YOU. Do things to make yourself look good, feel good, meet up with friends for coffee, join a book club, take your walks like you used to do... in short, make yourself happy. That doesn't mean you shouldn't think about your situation but this WILL HELP.
My theory about your H being cold to you since you saw him with OW is he's waiting for some kind of lash out and he's being defensive with his behavior. Read DR and you'll find mention of what's called "180s". By not lashing out or even responding to his expectations of you regarding the OW you're doing a 180. Keep it up. Take steps to make yourself feel strong. Use this time to build your self esteem. You mentioned that your H is a good looking man a few times. I bet you're one heck of a looker too but you need to believe in yourself! And I don't mean just fake it till you make it... take this time to discover more about yourself and make yourself into the person you WANT to be. Stop being insecure - what can you do to help yourself there? Do a 180 on yourself. Affirm your strengths, make a list and make them stronger. Doing all of this will definitely make your H curious and that's the start to something different.
breathe. We're here for you.
Oh thank you all for such positive advice. I feel much better now than I did when H left tonight.
I think I will try and get some legal sdvice before next Wednesday so at I will have some idea where I stand financially in terms of the house etc.
You are all right in what you are telling me and ss06 that makes so much sense about H expecting a reaction from me regarding the ow, He would have totally expected me to slate her.
I do have the db book do you think I may be too late for this?
Thanks again for the great advice
Stacey x
It is never too late. There is always hope.
I hope so.
I made an appt with a lawyer she told me to listen to what he says on Wednesday but don't agree to anything. She will advise what I am actually entitled to.
I just hope I can remain calm and not cry or lose my temper.
I will just need to hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
Stacey x
Keep your head up Stacey. I'm only a couple months into this, but in a very similar situation as you.
Things that I felt, that it sounds like you are feeling
It will feel like the world is crumbling around you
The OP will be the focus of your life for a while
H will be changing in mood, and you will key into those
Life feels like it is a whip, and you are on the tip being slung around
3 months into the spiral, and 2 months into the separation I can assure you -
While every day there are ups and down, and seeing your ex can be hard, things do get better. You will regain the ability to function, your pride, and also start to get a clear vision of your spouse and the relationship you had.
You will find strength that you never knew existed, as well as find that you have deep friendships that are valuable and lasting.
I know it's hard to go through this, but you are not alone. Keep you head up, follow Sandi's rules, Detach and GAL. You will make it through this.
This is very hard stuff Stacey. It would best serve you to be at your best. No crying or lashing out. It would make things worse. Look good and smell good. Smile and be dignified. I know it will take all of your energy to be composed but you have to...
You need to get everything that you are entitled to. In order for that to happen you need to put the emotions aside. Place your heart in a box and onto a shelve until a later date.. You can do this.
Hi just another little update I am so angry I think I might explode.
H round tonight as usual and is actually going out of his way to be rude and not speak to me. He then had a go at our daughter as she apparently did not send a birthday message to his brother last week. Bearing in mind she is working 2 jobs at the moment and also that I took a present to his brother from me and our son and daughter! And to rub salt in our wounds they all went out for a biirthday dinner at the weekend- H, ow and some other family members. All very cosy.
And he's angry at me the wife who had been left totally devastated by his actions as have our S and D .
How on earth am I going to keep calm for this talk on Wednesday?
Any advice or thoughts welcome!
Stacey, I'm in no position to be handing out advice, so I'll hand out a (((hug))) instead. Your story is similar to mine, and I'm just as lost as you are. H and I still live together but are working on a separation, he's looking for an apartment, etc. I have made it clear that I expect that the children will not be exposed in any way to OW while we are still married so I don't think he'll move in with her. We shall see. Good luck Stacey.
Just remember Stacy, you cannot control his thoughts or actions only your own. You will find that in the book. When you meet just try to as courteous and upbeat as possible, keep emotions in check, and do not argue over things at this stage. I made mistakes early on and still do from time to time, but the more you stick to it, the better it will get. Read the book, read other stich's on here, and take the advice of the ones that are generous enough to give it. It will get better!!!
Thank you both for the kind words. I am trying so hard to be nice and pleasant when he comes round but it's so difficult when he no longer wants to speak to me. When he came round before he always made a point of coming in to see me and say hello but now he does not even want to look at me. I used to notice him giving me brief glances up and down as if he was checking out what I was wearing or looking at my legs but now there's nothing.
All I can think about is him and the ow and it's tearing me apart. I am GAL a little and going out with friends but the last few weeks I just keep expecting to bump into them together again.
Rppfl I hope things get better for you, please take care of yourself.
Stacey x
Stacey,
Sorry you're here and wishing you lots of strength, support, and comfort.
Right now you're focused on day to day, and that's ok. I think you should put more thought into the 180s you're doing. They should be based on things you did wrong in the R. And while that's not to say that you did everything wrong, or that everything your H would say is something you should change, you darn sure should take time to understand his perspective and try to figure out where you do feel you were wrong. The more mistakes you can admit to, the more changes you can make, the healthier you can become, the happier you will be. And the more likely for a miracle to occur.
You were asked what your H would say if he were here. You started to reply, were fairly vague (smothered, unappreciated), then started to talk about his hypocrisies and you had issues with him as well. That isn't going to work. You have to dig deeper and avoid defensiveness and deflection.
Smothered and unappreciative are his feelings. What did YOU do specifically that he feels contributed to him feeling this way? Where in those behaviors can you accept you were being unreasonable? What insecurity on your end caused you to rationalize those behaviors?
Now...what can you do to grow in those areas? And how would the woman you want to grow into behave differently than you are now, specifically within the nature of the encounters you're having with your H?
That's digging in, growing, and doing 180s.
I know this is new and applaud you for getting through the days. I really do. You acknowledged you were jealous and insecure a bit, that's a good start. Channel your anxiousness into focused activity and it will feel good to do something productive with it, particularly something that will make you stronger, healthier, and closer to the W only a fool would leave. GOOD LUCK!
Thank you so much Zues126 for your wise words. You are absolutely right in what you say. If I'm totally honest I think I became the type of woman who was so absorbed in her marriage and what he was up to and what he was thinking I lost sight of who I really was and what made me happy. I very rarely went out with friends. I did the exact same things in the evening and at weekends. I was always waiting on him changing his ways, where really it should have been me who got a life outside the marriage and made myself happy, not relying on him making me happy.
If I'd known about this site and the books a year ago, maybe things could have been different. I was always snooping through his stuff looking for things, it's as if I wanted to catch him out. Although when I did I was always furious. If I'd been more laid back about things and let him do what he wanted, maybe his thoughts of going out with his friends and flirting etc would not have been so desirable.
Now I'm frightened that this OW is perfect for him and he's never been happier. I have not mentioned her to him since I seen them together, and I know he would have been expecting a rant from me.
When he comes round tomorrow for the talk about finances, I'm probably better not to mention the appointment with the lawyer the following week - it might get his back up. I don't have a clue what he's going to say, although I suspect it may be something like he can't afford to keep paying x, y or z, and that I should contribute more. I am already paying all the bills. I hope he doesn't want to sell the house. I will try and be calm and nice, although I don't expect him to be. He has became the perfect stranger.
Thanks again for your wisdom
Stacey x
I was always snooping through his stuff looking for things, it's as if I wanted to catch him out. Although when I did I was always furious. If I'd been more laid back about things and let him do what he wanted, maybe his thoughts of going out with his friends and flirting etc would not have been so desirable.
Stacey, I was pretty much the opposite of what you describe. I never snooped, he went out and on trips with his guy friends any time he wanted. I never questioned his business dinners or travels. I never expressed jealousy, I trusted him completely. It didn't make any difference.
I'm not saying either of our approaches is the correct one, but I am saying don't beat yourself up over it.
Thanks rppfl. I have just read through your thread and you mentioned that your h was not happy about an untidy closet - a bit spooky mine was the same. I must admit I can be a bit of a hoarder whereas he likes everything to be in its proper place with no clutter. But it did cause arguments between us. It's so hard to do everything when you work ft and have a family and house to keep.
Stacey x
Thanks rppfl. I have just read through your thread and you mentioned that your h was not happy about an untidy closet - a bit spooky mine was the same. I must admit I can be a bit of a hoarder whereas he likes everything to be in its proper place with no clutter. But it did cause arguments between us. It's so hard to do everything when you work ft and have a family and house to keep.
Stacey x
Yes it is hard to keep up with job/kids/house. My closet was the catch-all for the rest of the house. I definitely had things in there that didn't belong. However, that wasn't all the time, and it's looked perfect for a long time. He's digging way back to get that one, as he is for the extra weight. I for sure was not a perfect wife, but I was a good one. I do take responsibility for not paying enough attention to him, not making couple time a priority. But I never thought it would lead here, I just thought we both saw it as a busy life and when the kids were older it would be easier. Boy, was I wrong.
hi - just a quick update. H has just left after our 'talk'.
I made sure I looked my best, no talk of R, never mentioned OW either. The bottom line was he doesn't want to continue to pay all of the mortgage. He came up with a figure which he has paid in the last 7 months when he "hasn't even been living here". His choice!
He wanted to keep lawyers out of it just now and try to agree amicably. I told him I couldn't afford to pay any more than I'm paying now so maybe we'll need to get lawyers involved.
The D word was never mentioned once, but he did say he would be looking to buy somewhere else to live and couldn't afford to do that while paying for this place.
So he is talking long-term plans here. I didn't ask if he would be buying a house with OW - he would just have said it was none of my business anyway.
There were no sparks of positivity at all. I feel totally deflated and beat.
I think the next steps are to get the lawyer to draw up an agreement on the finances, and how things are to be paid, but I think this is one step away from D - is this the right thing to do.
I love him so much.....but he is totally gone.
Please help.
Stacey x
I forgot to add that before he left he mentioned a couple of things that had been bothering him regarding the kids. He said it in a very antagonistic manner and now I can see he wanted to get my back up, which he did although I remained calm and did not raise my voice it did give him the opportunity to stand up and leave as if I'd upset him yet again. I felt it was totally unfair of him. I had been cool and collected throughout our discussion when I was seething inside.
Why does he seem to hate me so much?
I forgot to add that before he left he mentioned a couple of things that had been bothering him regarding the kids. He said it in a very antagonistic manner and now I can see he wanted to get my back up, which he did although I remained calm and did not raise my voice it did give him the opportunity to stand up and leave as if I'd upset him yet again. I felt it was totally unfair of him. I had been cool and collected throughout our discussion when I was seething inside.
Why does he seem to hate me so much?
Remember the WAS is just trying to fuel their own fire of harsh feelings toward you. As long as you don't add anything to that they will eventually run out of fuel and see the truth, just don't give in to arguments and remain a positive, strong, confident figure in your life and your interactions with H.
Thank you asat.
I just don't know where to go from here. I am once again at rock bottom. It doesn't seem to matter what I say or do, he continues to despise me. He knows me. He knows me better than anyone, and knows I am a good person and I do not deserve this.
I have had a sleepless night with everything he said running through my mind. Before he left he said he was happy to continue paying the mortgage, and to transfer all the bills over to me. Now that has changed and I feel he wants me to help finance his new, shiny, loved up life.
I have kept my dignity throughout this mess, and the only thing I have asked him for is his house key, which he refused to hand back.
I feel as everything is closing in on me with no way out. He will be confiding to the OW and telling her I am an evil, greedy woman and how he is so glad to be away from me. I'm wondering now if he has had this all planned for years, waiting until the kids are older. Then can justify his reasons for leaving as my insecurities and suspicious nature and say he has never been happy for years.
I think I am feeling sorry for myself today, and I apologise for that. But I just don't know what to do.
Sad, lonely and beat.
Stacey x
Stacey we know how hard and painful this journey is. It is very important that you pick yourself up. It is important that you get to a better place. Don't ask him anything not even the keys to the house. Have you read DB and are you following Sandi's 37 rules? What are you doing in the form of GAL? Have you talked to a L?
Hi Rick. Thanks for posting. I am reading db at the moment and I read through the 37 rules yesterday before he came round, I thought I was doing so well going out with friends and socialising but really I think I am just going through the motions. My head is somewhere else.
I have an appointment with L on Wednesday. H said he expects I will come off worse off but I don't know if he's trying to frighten me.
I'm sure there will be better days ahead.
Thanks x
WAS tend to create fantasies regarding legal issues and how it will all end. My ex did the same and none of what she thought would happen, happened. Don't worry about the legal matters it will be what it will be. Time to socialize again and live your life. The head spinning is normal and it does go away. It took me a while but it happened. Be good to yourself.
Thank you Rick. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I truly am finding lots of inspiration reading through the posts here, and also with all the kind words I have received.
When H was round yesterday, I so wanted him to notice how nice I looked and comment on it or even see the smallest of signs that he still has feelings for me. But of course I am just clutching at straws. He has totally moved on.
Its just so frightening thinking of the future. H did everything - he dealt with all the finances, repaired stuff, DIY etc etc. I will just need to man up and learn to deal with things myself!
Thanks again x
The fear of the future is normal. Not helpful but normal. I had the same fears but you learn to care for yourself. You will learn that you can do stuff on your own without H's help and feel good about it. I heard once that women really want a tool box for a Christmas present, is that true?
Rick & Stacey, a toolbox was one of my favorite wedding gifts.
Yes a toolbox would certainly be handy. I have managed to do a few jobs round the house and you're right Rick I did feel pleased with myself.
I think the main problem for me will be letting go and detachment. I know I have to do it for my own sanity but it's so difficult when I see him almost everyday when he's round to see the kids, who are really still peeved at what he's done.
My S has health issues and I am also angry that H has left all of the day to day worry to me while he is in the midst of his romance in his house which has no squabbling teenagers. But I couldn't be without them, they're great kids, and have been such a comfort to me these past 7 months.
Stacey x
Dont borrow trouble from the future. Letting go and detachment are hard to achieve when early in a stich. Process what is happening to you. Trynot be angry and bitter. It will consume you. After being married for a long time we lose ourselves. Better days are coming just b patient.
What kind of health issues does your son have?
And make sure u always smell and lookie sexy...get a new tool box and when hes around act as if you gonna tune your 1963 Corvette...if he asks to help say you r ok. Have some fun...
Thanks again for the advice Rick.
My S has a neurological condition which he deals with very well, he is an inspiration to us all. He is beginning to hate his Dad for all the pain he's caused and for splitting up our family.
I've been thinking it may be time for me to do something different? For the last 7 months I have not contacted H, no begging, pleading, I have tried to be friendly to him but none of it is working. Am I missing something? Now this may be very devious of me but if I happened to contact him for some help with something I wonder if this may cause some tension between him and the OW? I'm thinking that she was not bothered about his W and kids when she got involved with him so maybe there is a chance to put a little strain on their R? I'm sorry for being so devious but I will try anything to get H to notice me. And he is still responsible for his house and family.
If anyone thinks this is a terrible idea, please let me know.
If there is anything else I can do to change his perception of me I would appreciate any advice.
Thanks
Stacey
Stacey Im sorry that you are in your sitch . Im in a mess too . I think the same way all the time too about how to drive a wedge between W and OM and iVE TRIED A FEW TIMES BUT IT JUST MADE ME LOOK BAD . iM NOT SAYING IT WONT WORK FOR YOU BUT TIMING IN DOING SO WOULD BE A FACTOR .For example if you knew they were having some problems anyway then i would concede it may work for you . But if they are happy and comfortable perhaps it may only make you look bad . Just my opinion Dawgy
Thanks Dawgy, you're probably right. I'm wondering if the ow is jealous or insecure, her new man is just out of a 22 year marriage surely deep down she's not 100% sure of him ever coming back to me? Even though I think he will be telling her all sorts of nasty things about us. There may still be an element of doubt in her mind. Then she could start making all sorts of accusations to him and the bubble may burst?
I know it's probably best to stay well out of their R and mind my own business but it's so hard when she's now living the life I should have.
I hear you girl . I completely understand your thought process but we have to be smart and I applaud you for being so strong and still loving your H . 22 years is nothing to throw away and he knows it but im sure hes very confused and is just trying to find himself through all this . Mean while make sure he knows that you are there and still love him and dont want to divorce then the ball is in his court . Ive finally learned that you cannot control his actions or his feelings and you have to let him sort it out for himself even though i know its very painful for you hun . Be stealth , keep an eye on things , you may see some weakness or problems arise in their fake relationship . What you have is real
Thanks so much Dawgy just the sort of pep talk I need.
I hope you're right and our spouses see the error of their ways.
Stacey x
Ok just a quick update - H texted S yesterday to tell him he wouldn't be round to see him over weekend and probably not on Monday either. No explanation why. My mind is buzzing thinking of where he might be - romantic weekend for two seeming the most likely.
My sitch seems to be going from bad to worse. H has showed me absolutely no positive signs whatsoever and does not text or phone me to say when he'll be round.
I'm just at a loss over what to do.
Can anyone help?
Hi stacey, sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds really difficult.
The weekend away thing is super painful and irritating but try to have patience. I think the best advice came from a poster above who said do your best to try to seem confident, sexy and like you are doing well without him when he comes around.
As far as setting up a devious plan, I find that usually they do not work for me. But you know your H, is he a fixer? Will he try to come save you if something goes wrong?
In my case a few weeks ago I had some small emergencies. Normally I would have relied on my H for advice, comfort and support. He had contacted me while the emergencies were going on so I told him what was happening, and tried a little deviously to test and see if he would "rise to the occasion" and come support me in my time of need. He did not.
Of course I cannot know WHY he did not, maybe he wanted to or maybe he was glad he didn't have to. Who knows! But my point is, it didn't work for me.
Good luck and be strong this weekend!
Hugs, LisaB
Hi Lisa, thanks for your input. I too am trying to be confident and upbeat around him but it is just so difficult when he still seems to be so angry with me.
He always was a fixer, but now if I asked him to come and do something for me I'm honestly not sure if he would. I think he's committed to this OW.
There just seems to be so many negatives in my sitch I'm wondering if there is any hope at all? My appointment with the L is this week so maybe I'll have a better idea of the finances etc after that, although I do not want to be the one to initiate any legal separation or D, I feel I just need to know where I stand.
If anyone could read through my posts and offer any advice at all I would be so grateful.
Thanks
Stacey
My appointment with the L is this week so maybe I'll have a better idea of the finances etc after that, although I do not want to be the one to initiate any legal separation or D, I feel I just need to know where I stand.
I have an appointment with L next week, too. I just want to understand how I might fare financially, as that's a big fear of mine. Let us know how it goes, Stacey, my apt isn't until next week.
Hi Stace , I made a new female friend who has been through the ringer and she gave me a little piece of advice that helped me feel better . " he who cares the least has the most power " and its very true . If your like me all you want is for him to come back and he knows this so that being said he holds all the pwoer . You need to gain so power and control back and thats where the DBing comes in , the detachment ( caring the least ) then you will gain a measure of control more and more . The more you detach the more the control increases . I know its very difficult to detach , Ive been struggling for months now but it does work .
Thanks Dawgy, again great advice, I really appreciate it.
He popped round tonight to see S, (after his mysterious long weekend away), and wanted to chat again about the finances and I have to say I handled it really well. I was calm and friendly and answered his questions with ease. He wanted to know what I thought about us both paying off some of the mortgage and I just said I'd think about it. Obviously I will speak to the L tomorrow and find out what my options are in terms of the house. He said he didn't want to sell but couldn't keep paying the repayments every month.
He mentioned a couple of times in the conversation the possibility of me meeting someone else and I think it bothers him that I could have another man living with me while he pays for the house (don't think there's any jealousy there whatsoever, he's just thinking of the money).
Dawgy you are so right, I do need to detach and care less, I hope it gets easier with time.
I asked him if he would be interested in doing a job for me in the house and I would pay him - the job I asked him to do is a big one and he wasn't too keen, but he did have a look at it and advised me what to do for the best. He also mentioned all the things he did round the house before he left, I told him I appreciated all that he'd done and I did see a flicker of emotion on his face for a second.
If anybody would be kind enough to offer any advice I'd be very very grateful.
S x
Hi, went to see L today who advised me that as H has been the main breadwinner during our M he is legally bound to support me financially for at least 2 years. If after that time he decides he wants to sell the house I may end up better off than him as I am entitled to half his pension etc so would probably end up with a larger lump sum.
Still can't believe it's all happening though.
H came round tonight and came to find me before he left and chatted for a couple of minutes. He said he was thinking about something I'd said last night and was laughing about it. This is a huge change to what he's been like over the last few weeks.
Could it be possible I'm doing something right for a change?
Hi, just looking for some advice. I am continuing to be friendly with h and he is nice back to me, but he is still with ow. I saw him yesterday in the store, I pretended not to see him, and I don't know if he saw me or not as when I looked up he was gone. I just kept imagining all the things he was putting in his basket to prepare a nice meal for her, then afterwards they will be cuddled up on sofa watching a movie together. Not nice.
I am still trying to be the opposite from what he expects - he defo would have been expecting me to bitch about the ow (she is NOT what I expected), but I haven't said a word. He expects me to be depressed and cold, which I was at the start of sep, I am now being nice and smiley when he's around. I am trying to show him the new me, but all I can think about is him with the ow.
He will try and initiate finance talks again, but I have been advised by my L not to agree to anything and to contact her to draw up an official agreement on how things are going to be paid. I believe this will cause major conflict. He is very money orientated and I don't think he can bear the thought of splitting his pension etc.
I'm trying hard not to lose hope but it's so difficult. Surely the affair bubble will burst soon? Its been going strong for 7 months+. They can't be happy ever after can they?
Please please advise if there is anything I should be doing.
Love S x
Stacy,
I haven't read your sitch but your post caught my eye. The R with the OW will last as long as it does. I know it's difficult not to go there, but wondering what they do won't accomplish anything. If it's any consolation, according to several mutual acquaintances, OW looks exactly like her dog and she does. And it's not a cute combo. Essentially, I'm saying don't worry about what she is like.
Keep focusing on you. Make yourself the best you can be a live your life.
Thanks Georgiabelle you are absolutely right.
I am getting on with my life and do sometimes even feel happy then today when I came home from work s18 told me his dad is away for a few days and won't see him till next week. Back to square one wondering where he is.
But he did phone me last night to update me on a hospital appt he went to with s18. I was nice and friendly and thanked him for phoning.
Trying hard to be positive.
You're going to grieve for a while, accept that but you can also start GALing. Do things you've always wanted to do that you didn't have time for, dance class, pottery, acting, whatever makes you feel like you.
Let H do his thing. Nothing has really changed, except you now know you're not going immediately to the poorhouse.
He'll continue to see OW as long as he does, just as Georgiab says but as far as it being serious, probably not. He may think so but we all get that glimmer when in a new R. If you think you want to remain married to him, grab some popcorn and let it play out.
Take care of yourself. What are 3 things you're doing for yourself?
What are 3 GALs you are going to start next week?
About wondering where he is. How does that help you? I know it seems like it helps in some way but it doesn't. Stop that when it starts, it only wears you down. ((( )))
Read my tag line
Thanks labug great advice. One thing I started a few months ago is running never done it before and I'm really enjoying the new fit me. H would be shocked at this as he knows it was never my thing. I do go out with friends occasionally and I know h is surprised at the way I've kept the garden nice actually quite enjoying that. That's about it really.
I do want my h back I'm hoping for a miracle. I'm trying to be the best of myself and show him how well I can manage without him. I've not shown him my jealous side or asked him any questions about his new life and although I'd love to know everything about him and the ow I know it wouldn't do me any good.
I think I need some more things to keep me busy, I used to read loads but now I find I can't concentrate and my mind wanders.
Thanks so much for your words of wisdom x
Stacey, you are doing so great! Good for you that you can be upbeat and not say anything about OW! I am super impressed.
Like the others have said, try not to think too much about him and the OW. It doesn't help you. But yeah I know that is easy to say and hard to do. Someone said they imagine a giant stop sign when they have unwanted thoughts.
It sounds like being positive and friendly might be your best assets for now, and also good that you are consulting an L. It's good to know you'll be ok financially.
Good luck! We are on your side! Hugs, Lisa B
Thanks so much Lisa I think your positive attitude is helping me!
I don't think your gut instinct will be wrong!
Take care. X
Hi just a quick update - have just found out h is on a weeks vacation with ow. Feel so sad and emotional wondering where they are and thinking about all the happy memories they are creating together.
I only found out when I texted him about a hospital appt for son and he said he would not be back for it. No explanation, he told son last week he was going away for a few days no more info.
Should I mention anything about it when he comes back or just continue with my friendly upbeat demeanour?
Sad and lonely tonight x
Hey Stacey , dawgy here
i can feel your sadness and lonliness. Im right there with you on that one but we must remember this is a marathon not a sprint . This is gonna take time . His affair wont likely last according to statistics so if you truly want him back you are gonna have to be patient patient patient . Go back and read sandis rules and try to get that fighter attitude . Never give up attitude , you can prevail here .Your husband is like my wife , they dont know what they want , they made a huge mistake and the only way they can justify it is to play it out and see where it goes . Stats say 95 percent or more of these relationships dont last , so if you have the mindset to hang in then you will prevail > Even after divorces are final , something like 15 percent reconcile , so dont give up . Have some fun while he s doing his thing . When he sees that it will make him interested .
Thank you so much Dawgy you always make me feel better!
I hope you're right. Sometimes I think it might be easier if h was playing the field and was not in a steady r with someone.
I just hope Christmas May trigger some positive memories for him it was always such a happy time for us.
And I do have a lot to be thankful for- I have 2 great kids who believe it to be morally wrong to leave a long marriage to be with an op, I have a nice home, good friends, a job and a dog I adore!
I am reading db and have ordered dr.
Trying to keep a positive attitude!
Thanks again x
Stace it makes me feel great that i can make you feel better . This is another one of the benefits of this forum . Not only can we get help but we can give help too . Its great , like Cali said ,where would we be if we hadnt found DB ? Its funny you said you would be more comfortable if your H was playing the field rather than one woman . I totally get that , but think about it , how do you know he isnt ? He could very well be cheating on her too . This is very common from what i hear . I know my W was seeing or spending time with several other men , not just the OM . So if it makes you feel better , dont rule that out . I believe they do this to find out what they really want . Dawgy ps I like talking to you , keep posting hun
Just an update- h round today just back from vacation looking tanned and relaxed. He spoke to kids for ten minutes then came to see me. He chatted for around twenty minutes about son, house and general stuff.
I am so pleased I made no snide remarks about his holiday I just kept it all pleasant and friendly and he seemed in no hurry to leave. He even offered to do a job for me.
I know this isn't much but to me this is a big change!
Of course he is still going home to the ow and it could be just guilt that's making him nicer to me but it's so much better than him not talking at all.
I just pray there's still hope for our m.
Stacey hun, where are you and how have you been ???
Stacey, just read your thread.
Tough stuff. You'll be getting good advice here from all the posters.
Definitely read DR. I recommend it more than DB. Especially read the section entitled "when s/he won't end the affair". I found that section absolutely critical to my sanity and approach.
I too thought it was over. I even had and apt with the D L in January, but cancelled it when W came over one day and indicated a desire to fix things. Although it wasn't a week later she was back with OM.
So you see it's a real rollercoaster. Strap yourself in for the ride. You'll have good days and bad days.
Try not to think about OW and what H is doing. He is going through a MLC. He will lie and rewrite your history to justify his actions. Just ignore those word when they come out of his mouth. I know it really hurts, but realize he's f**ked in the head right now and it will take time for him to wake up. In the meantime take care of yourself. Sounds like you're doing good with the running and gardening. You may want to try to do that home reno project yourself or with a girlfriend or your kids. Don't lure him into doing it. When he sees you doing it he'll become curious.
Mystery and curiosity are your allies right now.
Remember, affairs don't last. It may be another 6 months or a year but soon enough it'll run its course. You need to be patient and work on yourself.
hi - thanks so much Dawgy for checking in with me. I have been reading your threads and know you're going through tough times just now. I hope you're better today. I didn't offer any advice because I sometimes feel if my advice was any good then I wouldn't be in the position I'm in!
And thanks Peter - great advice, I am reading DR just now and I do prefer it to DB. I feel as though I am being scolded for doing all the wrong things in the run up to H leaving. He told me in August he was leaving but did not leave until January. If I had read DR then I think I could have shown him my best self and although he would still have left, it may have planted a little doubt in his mind. Instead I was sulky, sullen, moody, insecure, all the things he hated about me, and he was glad to get away from. Straight into the arms of the OW who he is still with now.
I still have good days and bad days. On my good days I am enjoying my new fitness regime, my job, my kids and also just enjoying watching movies and sipping wine at weekends!
On my bad days I just cannot get it out of my head that he has chosen this OW who he will think is prettier, smarter and sexier than me, and he seems to be so serious with her I am consumed with jealousy. But I continue to show H my best side, I am friendly, upbeat and not at all insecure or jealous. I think he has noticed this. We have now been apart 8 months and during that time I have only felt a connection between us a couple of times. And by connection I mean when our eyes met for a few seconds and I felt something was still there. I don't honestly know if he felt anything at all, but I know I could not get involved with anyone else while I still feel this way about him.
So I will continue to try and GAL, be mysterious, and the project in the house is an excellent idea - thanks Peter.
Thanks again for your posts, I really appreciate it.
Take care
Stacey x
Well I'm not sure if I handled this the right way - h wanted to speak about the finances again. I told him I'd seen a L and outlined the advice I was given which was really in my favour . He said he'd rather we came to a mutual agreement which we could then get drawn up by L. He said the last thing he wanted was for me and kids to be worrying about money and be worse off but he could not continue to pay all of the mortgage.
After he left I felt a bit emotional and sent him a text saying I'm so sorry things have got this far between us and that I did not want any of this.
He did not respond.
What should I have done?
I am feeling totally lost. I so wish I had not sent that text. Why didn't he respond? Would it not have been the perfect opportunity for him to show he's even a little sorry for all the hurt? I could think of loads of appropriate things he could have replied with - why didn't he?
He came round today and said he has contacted L for some advice.
So nothing is good. I was feeling so much better after our recent interactions now I feel as if I am back to January again. He is keen to get moving on a place of his own (not renting), by himself or with the OW I have no idea.
Everytime I see him I want to reach out to him. He is totally detached. I wish I could do the same.
Sad Stacey x
Stacey,
I'm so sorry you are having a difficult day. It sukks. However, your text was honest and while not necessary, it wasn't wrong. The reality is that there is no *good* response to that text. "I'm sorry for the things I've done" isn't very genuine over text IMHO. Your h probably feels some guilt, however remorse would not sincerely be expressed via text. He's probably not there anyway.
Detach. I know you are hurting. The sooner you accept that your M as you knew it is dead and start truly living, then the sooner you figure out what you want. I know it's terribly difficult, however you need to drop the expectations associated with positive interactions. They are what they are. Friendly exchanges. However , always protect yourself financially. That should be a priority at this moment while your h is in la la land.
Do something fun this weekend! Be kind to yourself.
Thank you so much Georgiabelle, I have just read a great piece of advice you posted on Ahoy's thread -
"The only solid advice I have is to conduct yourself in a way that you can look back and say that you did what you could and handled yourself with grace in the process." - such wise words, my kids are watching me and have seen all the pain and hurt this has caused, but I'm hoping they will also learn that life goes on no matter what and that we will be all be okay.
This site has been such a help to me and I have been reading through the posts most days for guidance and inspiration.
Thanks again
Stacey
Hi! I just finished reading through your thread. My husband dropped the bomb 8 weeks ago & told me he was "done" 7 weeks ago, so I'm still fresh into this...but I've been doing some work with a marriage reconciliation coach whom I found prior to finding this site. The advice he has given me may be helpful to yu, so I'll pass it on. He gave me two methods of reattraction.
1) agreement (in a very specific way) for example: you say "the weather is nice today" and I DONT say "I agree" and I DONT repeat your stage man by saying "yeah, the weather really is nice today". I choose one point from your statement that I agree with and say something like "yeah, the sun is shining bright today." The coach is a psychologist with 20 years of reconciliation experience. He said that if I use the first two methods of agreement too frequently it will seem as if I'm just trying to be agreeable all the time, however, if I use the third method I will be agreeing in a way that he will subconsciously pick up on. For him to be attracted to you, he had to feel like you're on his team. No matter what he says, you can always find a way to be agreeable without agreeing to something you don't agree with. An example would be "having kids is horrible" "yeah, they can be very challenging". It's true, kids can be very challenging, but you didn't say they are horrible. Allowing him to feel that you're on his side will help him to become more comfortable around you and to let his guard down. That will open the door for connection.
2) empathy. That one is rather self explanatory.
He told me that those two tools are among the best things you can do to help him start to open back up to you. Other than the rules that have already been expressed to you on this site, which he also gave me. Once he starts contacting you when he doesn't have to, you'll know you've made progress ...but never outdo what he's doing. If he contacts you for "non-business" reasons 3 times in one week, you contact him for mom-business reasons no more than 3 times a week. Let him set the pace. If he gives you a high five, you don't get to hug him. If you go faster than him, he'll feel like you're not on his team anymore and you'll back track.
I hope this helps! I think it's very valuable! Something else I've been doing, is among my numerous 180's, I've been heavily researching marriage and preparing myself for WHEN he comes back. I've been reading books and listening to podcasts. My favorite podcasts are the focus on the family podcasts focused on marriage, "marriage today," and "homemakers by choice." I know you're a working woman, but you're still a homemaker and she gives a lot of good advice about being a wife. I think the advice in the "marriage today" podcasts is the best, though. A LOT of wisdom about how to make a marriage work!
Best wishes! God bless you & your marriage!
Wow, sorry for the typos...I should really learn to take the time to proof before I hit "submit"
Wow, sorry for the typos...I should really learn to take the time to proof before I hit "submit"
Meh, we're human. Accept the typos as a first step to remembering you're human.
Stacy, read your thread. Your h is typical of th e waw spouse we are all dealing with. Rt now they have no idea about the hurt they are inflicting on there family. You mentioned he took other w out with some of his family. Who in his family? They must be supporting this. It's hard on you and the kids! That's for sure. Have you tried LRT. Just blow him off when he is around. Act like you don't care! Do180 to the t. Don't engage with him.like Mr bond says tr w at him like a neighbor. Confuse him as 25 says. He is not thinking about anyone but himself. Blow him off, leave when he stops to see kids. Smile and say hi, then take off drive around.block a few times. Let him do all D stuff himself for now.confuse him, you can do it. Remember they always want what they can't have,
Great advice in this thread. Sorry you're going through this though, its tough
JpLOve, thanks for sharing what you have learnt about agreement and empathy, that was a good reminder for me.
jplove, thanks so much for sharing, these are great tips and I am going to practice them when I next see him. Its so kind of you to take the time to do this, this is hard stuff for anyone to deal with never mind with a baby on the way.
Igit, thank you too for the advice. I think I unintentionally did something like LRT earlier on in the year. It was when I first found out about OW and I was so furious I could not bring myself to speak to him and tried to make sure I was out when he came round. It didn't make any difference to him. Now I'm trying to be light and breezy around him and I think its confused him a little, but I think I may be trying to engage him too much. I was telling him stories about what's been happening in the street and with friends etc and I asked him if he was okay and how his work was going. He did not ask anything about me whatsoever. I felt a bit foolish.
It is really tough that his father and brother have had dinner with the OW and have fully accepted the situation. They feel that as he wasn't happy with me he's done the right thing. Its as if me and our 22 year marriage has ceased to exist. It has split the family up as his other brother and his wife are not happy with what he's done and are refusing to meet the OW.
It is all really tough. I am trying to do something different and act as if he is coming back. But then I think he's in the middle of this exciting new life with no real responsibilities or worries so why would he want to?
I want him to see changes in me, I certainly am much stronger than I thought I was.
And you're right Bitzie there is great advice in this thread. I can't thank everyone enough for taking the time to respond. I read over the replies regularly to help keep me focused.
Thanks again
S
Just an update - H has consulted his L to start 'moving things forward'. I asked him what he meant and he said he cannot afford to keep paying mortgage. I asked what the L advised and he said he wanted to gather information regarding the finances and how things would be split. I asked if he wanted a divorce and he said yes. He never flinched, hesitated or looked sad. He just said yes as if it was the most obvious answer in the world. Which of course it it. For him.
I am gutted. I wanted him to look a little doubtful or hurt. But of course he is moving forward with his new life and OW and wants me out of it completely.
Husband's elderly aunt visited me last week and said to my sister afterwards that she couldn't understand what could make him walk out on such a lovely family.
I have not posted on here much over the last few weeks, but I've still been reading all the posts and keeping up to date with what's happening in your lives.
Things were going really great for me, I've had a couple of weekends away with friends and have things to look forward to.
I am just not ready to give up on my M. Is there any hope left?
Stacey,
There is always hope. I'm sorry as I know that was a difficult conversation with your h. Glad you have some fun over the weekends.
Hang in there and take care of yourself financially.
I'm sorry Stacey. I know this is not how you wanted things to go. Like GB, I believe there is always hope. Hang in there.
What changes have you been implementing during this time? There is always hope.
To steal another quote " It's not over until you decide its over. You have not decided, so its not over"
Source: A wise vet from this board, unfortunately I cannot recall exactly which one.
Thanks everyone for the kind words. It means so much to know you are here and all understand what this feels like.
Mr Bond my 180s have been
1. To not show any jealousy (a big bugbear of h while we were together)
2. To be upbeat and positive (not clingy)
3. To show him I can manage without him
4. My new fitness regime (I can really notice a difference in how I look)
5. DIY jobs round the house (still learning)
6. To not mention ow ( so difficult but I can't believe I've managed it)
7. Get out and socialise with friends
I know he must be surprised by some of these, they are not major things but I do feel stronger.
How should I interact with him now? I am willing to do anything that might help.
Interact with him by not interacting. Be strong and continue to develop your confidence. Change the way you dress and have a life. Be beautiful both inside and out. Act as if he deserves the least of your attention.
I know he must be surprised by some of these, they are not major things but I do feel stronger.
That's the key, Stacey. When you feel strong you can conquer the world!
We split finances before we separated and I was absolutely devastated when H proposed it. At the time it seemed to be such a definitive blow. Yet…4 months on I'm still here and H isn't sounding quite so confident about his decisions. Yes, there is always hope.
You know what to do. Above all, take care of yourself. Seek the information you need to be informed about how to look after your financial interests. GAL with friends. Stay calm. Keep on keeping on.
Thanks ganb8te great advice and you give me hope.
Letter from L arrived today. I also noticed he's been to house and left his key. The symbolism of this is huge. The letter also states the L has been informed there is no prospect for a reconciliation. Don't know if this is standard for a first letter but it stings.
Just got to hope for the best .......
Stacey, it must have been difficult to open that letter. Hugs to you (((Stacey))).
Thanks rppfl for the hugs. I am feeling a little numb this evening. Hopefully will have a better day tomorrow.
And thank you too mr bond for the wise words.
I am feeling very emotional today. I think its the significance of the key. In July when I first saw him with the OW, I was so angry I told him I thought it was time he handed his key back. He was very angry and ranted about being good for paying the mortgage etc etc. I just didn't like the thought of him coming into the house when we weren't in, or worse showing the OW his family home.
Anyway he never gave me the key and I didn't mention it again. Seeing it yesterday placed on the sofa just seems so final. Also, it was 19 years to the day since we first moved into the house. Spooky.
Why did I even mention the key in the first place? Sometimes I do the silliest things. Its hardly keeping the road home paved and smooth to ask for it back is it?.
Everything is such a mess. He wants a D, the lawyers are involved and I am beside myself with worry. Can I afford to keep the house? Will we have all the upheaval and stress of D and moving home?
I've also been thinking a lot about the way I treated him during 2013 when everything first went wrong. I showed him no affection and acted as if I couldn't care less about him. I just wanted to act the same as he was acting to see how he like it. It was the worse thing to do. If only, if only, if only....
At least things cannot possibly get any worse.
Stacey,
I'm so sorry you are in a difficult place. Please remember that when this all started, you really did the best you could with the tools you had. We can't change the past and only learn and modify our behavior going forward.
It sukks. Yes, I know it does. And I can tell you are in pain and I certainly can't gloss over that. However, you seems like a smart, kind lady who has the capabilities of forging forward and making a wonderful life for yourself. Is it with your h? No one knows. However, I do know you can't put your life on hold.
Be kind to yourself and do something fun this weekend. Worrying about "what ifs" won't solve one thing. :-)
Hang in there stacey.
Try not to beat yourself up about the past. It's over, there is nothing you can do now. Keep working on making you a better person.
Stacey, it seems that several of us are struggling today, more so than other days. Hang in there, we will all be OK.
Hm, the stars must be in a bad alignment or something, I'm where you are today too.
All we can do is keep on walking the path we're on with the grace and support we've gained since we got here.
Thank you so much GB, bdub, rppfl and maybell for you kind words. It means so much.
I am really struggling with the rejection. After a lifetime of knowing my h, being with him, sharing everything it has went to absolutely nothing. Zero. He does not want to chat anymore, he does not want to touch me, have a coffee with me, in fact I get the impression he'd rather I wasn't at home when he came to see the kids. When he came round yesterday and we briefly discussed an issue with S18 I could see a flash of annoyance on his face when I spoke to him.
When we were together there were several fun, chatty emails sent back and forth between us while we were at work, and usually a phone call at lunch time, then always a long chat about our day in the evening. I so miss that.
Could it be because he is the one who has started the legal process he is feeling slightly guilty? I am so tempted to touch his face or arm when I see him I have to take a step back.
It feels so much better being able to write this down. And GB I have got fun things planned for the weekend - today I am catching up with friends, eating tapas and sipping Rioja. Perfect!
Just an update- the legal separation process has begun.....after 22 years of marriage it is all now in the hands of our lawyers.
Went to a hospital appt on Monday with s18 and found myself sitting directly across from h in the consultants room. He looks so incredibly attractive I just wanted to touch his face, ruffle his hair and tell him I still love him so much.
I don't want to be divorced.
When will this ever get easier? Every time I think I've got this and I'm doing okay something else happens and it just hurts so much.
The facts are
1 H is still with the OW
2 H has been to a L to start the legal separation process (splitting the finances)
3 H said ultimately he wants a divorce
4 He has shown no interest in me, my life or my well-being.
So really I know deep down he has totally, 100% moved on....
And I am trying so hard to detach - no snooping, GAL, trying to maintain a PMA.
S18 told me today his Dad asked if he would like to meet his 'friend'. He said no. H said that was okay. This stings.
I also heard he has taken OW to an annual sporting event which is traditionally an all guys thing. And they appeared to be so happy. He seems to be so much in love. That stings too.
When will this stop? Will there ever really come a time when I couldn't care less about what he does?
Yes. But you have to decide to make that happen.
Hugs! Have you run lately?
Thanks Maybell - and yes I am still running and loving it, I am now up to 8.5K 4 times a week.
And while I'm doing it for my own benefit and not for H to notice...I thought he might have mentioned it to me, asked how it was going or something (my S18 told him I was out running when he came round one night, and he also passed me in the car while I was running) But he just couldn't care less what I'm up to.
You are right - I need to decide when this has to stop bothering me. I just wish this OW would disappear.
Listen, I don't think my H is pursuing OW anymore but I still fall apart if I see her liking pictures of my kids. That will take a long time to recover from.
Big hugs to you.
stacey,
As for your H not caring about you, being distant, etc. He is doing that in order to ease his guilt. It will catch up to him one day, most likely, though he may never admit it to you. You just don't spend that much of your life with a person and never think about them again. He might be focusing on the negatives now and pushing you away and being cold to make himself feel better and justify his actions. That is all. Probably doesn't have much to do with you. It's all about him. Try not to take it personally.
Thank you Maybell and Ahoy.
Just an update - H is trying hard to get his mother and sister to meet the OW. He has spoken to them twice, telling them she was nothing to do with us breaking up and he had been thinking about leaving me for about 2 years. They don't like what's happened, but I can see them softening, and also they are curious to find out more about the OW. The kids have not met her and do not want to.
This is extra hard for me as I lost my parents when I was very young. H's family is really my family too and we are all so close. His family members who have fully accepted the situation and have met with and dined with the OW are now distant towards me. Soon they will all be a happy family together and I feel so shut out.
However, I do still continue to show him my best self, I am positive, outgoing and cheerful. But inside it is still as hard as ever.
He also told his mother and sister he would never come back. Never. (I don't know why that still hurts when he's already told me he wants to divorce).
Sorry for all the negativity, but my sitch seems to be one of the hopeless ones. I pray every day he will see the light, but his relationship seems to be going from strength to strength. Its been out in the open for 10 months, but they had probably been hiding it for about 6 months prior to that.
I will be a year into this in January and it's still so difficult.
Hi Stacy-
The thing with the In-Laws is tough - its oneof the issues that pops up all over the boards. I always feel a little sorry for the In-Laws. Ultimately, your H is still their family member and they love him and want to be in his life.
Oddly, in my sitch, my MIL adamantly declares that she wants nothing to do with OW, and I'm the one that thinks that is not a realistic stance (if the relationship endures).
Here's what you can do- proactively work on maintaining good relationships with your MIL, SIL and other family members. You will always be the mother of the grandchildren and you will always be in their lives in that regard. The best course (I think) is that your In-Laws shouldn't feel like they have to choose bewtween you, but that they can have a relationship with both of you. Even though its been a year, its still pretty early on, and the family members that feel like they have "shut you out" may still come around somewhat. Leave the door open for them.
As for them being a happy family together - you know its highly unlikely for that to last, right? Even if they beat the odds and somehow end up in a functional marriage - they will still have the ups and downs of real life.
Hang in there Stacy.
Thanks Raliced, totally agree with what you've said. It is so difficult for the in-laws, but my MIL and SIL have been so supportive this past year, and this has made things very difficult for them with H. He now wants everything sorted out in time for Christmas I think. How can it every be though? This will be my first Christmas without him in about 26 years.
Do you thinks its any easier when the kids are smaller and more adaptable to changes? I'm wondering this as my kids are older and able to judge for themselves - they see their Dad leaving his family for OW and think its just wrong, regardless of how happy he is now. They don't want to spend weekends with him, he has asked them out to dinner several times and they have refused. Of course I have told them they still have to have a relationship with him,he is still their Dad, but I think they are just a bit disgusted with him.
But then I read all your stories about the WAH's spending time with the kids and having them around the OW and that must be heart-rending. It is something I will have to face at some point when my kids decide they will meet with her.
It's totally wrong and not doing me any good at all, but I do wish the bubble would burst and H and OW would start to see each others faults, wake up to reality and see all the pain they've caused.
Stacy,
I have no idea if its easier or harder for grown vs younger children. My guess is that they are just two completely different things.
What I do know is that at your children's age, they can "own" the relationship with their Dad (and he with them). With younger children, I think that there are moments when you have to advocate on their behalf. And I will say that with younger kids you do have to deal with the fact that you will have diminished time with them through no choice of your own, and that has been a bitter pill to swallow.
I think you are right to gently encourage them to have a relationship with their Dad. If he were wise he would try to establish some sort of relationship with them, without OW at first. Regardless - he will have to figure it out with them.