igit new post newbie needs help - DivorceBusting.com

Not sure I am doing this rt. But my post is 11 pages now and there is no room for adding. Old post neb in needs help.anyway today not off to good start. Wife and I planned to take kids to parade and then cookout and fireworks tonight. I got up at 630 and did 15minutes bike ride. I got home and everyone was up. Ask boys if they wanted to pick some berries in yard.we went out in yard and picked berries for breakfast. During breakfast D12 wanted to talk about parade her and w were talking and she wanted to ride in church float since she spent 3 hrs working on it. Wife didn't like idea u butted in and said I thought she could. Mom said she take d and I take boys, I said I thought we should all go early avoid traffic. She then pulled me outside and said you take to parade I take to fireworks, I said now you want to change plans, no you take to parade I take to fireworks. She then brought up I won't talk to her about D. I said we just talked thur nothing has changed since then. She then got angry and started on about cost of attorneys taking me for everything etc.. more noise. I said look you said you couldn't live with me and you were getting apt.now she says she doesn't want to move out..I said look this A stuff going thru a D is wrong. You claimed it was going on and that was a lie. I can't reason with you when your lieing. Got up told the kids I wasn't going to parade and I would see them later. 15 minutes wife called and said why don't I come to parade. I said no we can stick to your plan.I will see you later. When I got home I asked her if she wanted to get a sitter and go out and talk tomorrow night. She said yes. I had a DB coaching session set up anyway for today. It worked out great coach who I have had 4 sessions with said there is no reasoning with w in an A. She suggested take focus of off me tomorrow and just ask her what has made her happy in her life. Show concern and let her know that I know she loves kids and ask her what her concerns are for kids. The other night she came in and told me she had a rough day.she felt guilty and was scared. I told her my philosophy on making major decisions was to ask myself if this decision will make me happy and will it make everyone it impacts happy. If it does I move forward if it doesn't I know it's the wrong decision.she then went to bed

Do you even know what it is she wants to talk about re D?

What is your goal in not talking about it with her?

Have you seen a L?

Is a D going to be complicated because the marriage has lots of assets?

The question you mention in the end, the W has probably answered it for herself and she's moving forward with the decision she thinks is right for her. She wants out.

I guess she has. She certainly hasn't given me any sign she was still contemplating. However from day 1 when A was discovered.I toLd.her she was free to go but she needed to see a psychologist to discuss What issues this could bring daughter. Since it was her 2 yr softball coach. Then she told me A was over. That was 5 months ago and now she adm it's it's still going on. This is after she cried and cried and told me how sorry she was. I can't stand the lieing anymore. But she is going to be the one to initiate I want nothing to do with it. She needs to feel what she is doing to our family. Our problems are fixable she comes from a broken family and that's what she knows. She wants to be freinds and I have zero interest in being her freind. Freinds don't treat each other how she has me through this. She always complains about her guilt and being scared. She wants me to empathize I tell her these are her circumstances brought on by her. I want to be her H not a freind, get a dog if you want a freind

Well la bug I took your advice.wife and i went out tonight. Went to park for couple hours and then to dinner. At park we started out small talk. I asked her a few questions that I think we're helpful. 1. I know you love are kids what do you think is best for them. 2.what does she think would make her happy. 3. What does she want out of life. We sat for 10 minutes in silence and she said she would get back w me. I know she struggles with self esteem, I told her I was proud of how she has mother ed our kids.she was raised by depressed mother. She got pretty emotional and said thank you. It mention alot to her. Anyway dinner was good, we actually had a good time. Some how it came up she thought I was good kisser, even told me shirt looked good on me. We talked about joint parenting a little and thought are kids are so attached to both of us we should 50% custody. All in all good evening. She initiated hug and kissed me on cheek. Went to bed

I am not sure what to believe. She is definitely in mlc. She was telling me how bad she felt about not taking a teaching job she had offered. She was blaming part of it on me last week. On her sneaking out at night . She tells me she was just driving around and she slept in car. I am not believing her. My gut tells me different. Anyway when she talked about D b we talked about kids and how our kids are so dependant on us. No grandmas, we haven't had any help from anyone really. I know that hit her like a ton of bricks. I just got to keep on rolling.

When we talked about her feeling almost overwhelmed. She told me I seem so happy w kids, my work etc.. she brought up idea of me getting a apt. I asked her why she kept pushing that. We talked about her not being engaged with kids in last 9 months. I said your the one is telling me you need your space. If you can't feel like you can stay with us to get apt. She agreed.

We did get into some conversations about her dad, mom growing up, death of her brother etc.. she has had a tough life. She has mentioned several times about just needing to be alone.

She asked me what would make me happy. 2 what I want out of life. I told her I would get back to her on that one. She is going to a different church today. I am t
Taking our kids to our church.I was getting things at store when she called me to tell me this.

Why are you so caught up on the driving around issue? Will a different answer change your situation?

Good job on the asking questions and letting her talk.

We all have our baggage.

Are you a different father today than you were a year ago?

"She is definitely in mlc."

What does that mean to you?

A much better father. As far as how do I know. On this DB site there Is a list of signs that After reading is spot on to my wife. After lunch she asked about sermon. She asked so I told her It was about our society and kids , 1 third live with 1 parent. 80% in urban areas live with 1 parent. It is our job as christian families to teach our children those values. That's all I said then she followed me upstairs and I told her those principals are what I always thought she believed in. She got angry and said we are splitting up because she is unhappy. I know I should have walked away but my emotions got the better of me, I brought up her family and all problems D brought her growing up. Anyway before I left she calmed down and brought up I don't care about her unhappiness. I said I do and think as unhappy as she is its much deeper than just me and take some time away from each other before taking a step that will impact our family forever.

Came home from cabin w boys tonight caught wife by surprise sneeking outside so 12d couldn't here her phone call. I jokingly asked if she was going to bathroom. We live in country and w would do that from time to time. I mentioned to her that kids were needing some more attention from her. They really are. She got defensive and said she couldn't with her mind being occupied with a D. I said this has been going on for last 7 months with kids and I just want you to know I can see it.. Then she got angry. I asked her who she was talking to when I got home. She said none of my business. She then said she was seeing someone. Got angry and asked her how she could do this. Can't she stop.she told me to get over it. One of boys came out to car and wanted water. I told her I would take care of him. She said she was going for a drive. When she got home 3 hrs later. I went to her room and said I can't allow this to be happening under families home. She needed to find an apartment tomorrow. I would help her move and we will tell kids this week. I need to stay strong for kids. W is trying to find happiness and when on her own she will see her unhappiness is following her. I just had to draw the line.

I hate to hear all of this igit. But it seems you are responding from an emotional position. You need to take a step back and even walk away before you say things. You should not have asked who she was talking to for one. You also seemed to have come across as 'guilting' her about the topic of the sermon and saying you thought it was her beliefs. She brought up that you do not care about her unhappiness because she has probably be screaming in her own way for a very long time she was unhappy and you just were not hearing it. All of us LBS missed the screams.

Believe me, I know how hard it is to find out your W is having an A. And how hard it is to live under the same roof. And I know what it is like to see your W spend less time with the kids in order to live her 'new' life. And we all want to draw a line in the sand. But once your emotions cool off, I think you will find a new perspective and realize what you are doing is not helping, but hurting you and any chance you have to repair your marriage.

I do not mean to jump on you. It is just I have been where you are now, and I have done the things you are doing, and I wish I could go back and undo them. I hope some others will chime in with some good advice for you as well.

Best of luck to you my friend.

I have to agree with pilot - a lot of what I have read sounds like emotional responses. That's only natural, but in what I have read on the forums and experienced myself, you have to fight those emotional responses because 9 times out of 10, it's only going to drive her further away.

I'm confused as to why you would ask her to leave. I would love to have my W still in the home. That seems like an emotional knee jerk reaction. You have the opportunity for her to see you making the changes while she is there.

A good thought might be to leave the kids out of it. Don't use them as ammo against her. I initially did that and it only made things worse. I would say things like "the kids are starting to ask questions why x" or "the kids really miss you..." Now that I look at it, that only furthered her feelings of animosity toward me and in a way them too. They were reminders of me and at that moment, I was her lightning rod of hate. Ultimately, she did love them, but whatever squirrels that were running around in her head at that time were sending mixed signals. She has since changed a great deal in her attitude toward them.

You mentioned in a previous post that you wanted to live a Christian life and started reading the Bible. Have you read John chapter 8? This is the chapter where the scribes and Pharisees bring a woman to Jesus who had been accused of adultery. His response to them was "He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her." At which point, they turned and left, knowing that they too were not perfect. Jesus then forgave the woman and bade her to go and sin no more.

I don't mean to give a Sunday lesson here. I share this because there have been many times with my W, I have had to ask myself, what is the Christlike thing to do? His was always to act with love. I missed Christmas with my kids this past year because I chose to help my wife get her car out of impound and pay for 31 parking tickets. When all was said and done, I had spent $5600, preventing me from buying a plane ticket to join them in Minnesota. It just felt like it was the Christlike thing to do even though it tore me up inside to know I wouldn't be spending Christmas with my kids. She knows how important Christmas to me is and it made her think more than she had in 6 months. I feel that it was that experience that turned the corner for her in terms of how she was treating me.

You are faced with a situation where you know an A has happened. You have every right to be angry about that. But express that anger here and in prayer. When you pray, might I suggest that instead of asking for her to be fixed or forgiven, pray that you may have the patience, love, and strength to make it through. Pray for your children.

I'm starting to ramble on here, but ultimately, you have to find a way to nip that knee jerk reaction and you have to let go. It's SO hard to do and even when you think you have, something happens where you realize that you truly haven't. From what I can see, it's something that most here are still working on. Don't ask her who she's talking to/texting/going out to see/where she's been/etc. If she wants to tell you, she'll tell you. It's hard to not ask those questions, but the more you do it, the easier it becomes. Does it hurt? Heck yeah, but you can make it through it. Your mind wants to go all sorts of horrible places, but it helps to find some things that will occupy your mind. Hangout with your kids, play some music and bust out the ol' air guitar and air drums. Whatever you do, you have to find the strength to stop caring what she is doing when she leaves or who she is with.

Anyway, I'd say that's my $.02, but that may have been a $1's worth there.

Thanks for post. I have done all this out of emotions. I hate to see her so unhappy! She has been talking about she cant stand living in our house anymore. first wanting an apartment 6months ago, She said either an apt. or divorce. Then that died down and she wanted me to get an apt. saying it would be an easier transition for kids. I have told her since day 1 that I was not leaving our home. I know I need to take a chill pill and try to take emotions out. I also have told her I cant help with a D. Reading post from Michelle on MLC she said don't help with D> If she wanted one she would have filed by now. I cant help her with it! Its a matter of her feeling the consequences of what she is doing to her self and the family. I am going to try and walk a quieter path. I just feel like sitch is just getting worse at home with kids. D12 knows something is not right with us. She is scared and was all excited she set up sat. night for mom and dad to go out! I wish I could here from MR BOND on this.

Before I left for work I stopped in and told her I didn't want her to leave. it was her home as well as mine. I told her it wasn't right for me to judge her. I have sinned in my life and who am I to judge her. She made the comment you are trying to live like Jesus and thanked me. I am trying!

It' was a great day. Was group leader at kids bible camp tonight. Wife was polite , touched me on shoulderas even said good night. She will probably come in and ask me about D. Can't I guy catch one night of peace.

You can catch lots of peace. Quit dwelling on what she MAY or MAY NOT do. Focus on what you can do for yourself. If she comes in to ask about the D, then she does. No point in worrying about it until she does it. In that space of time, you have your peace

I talked with wife this morning! She called about some health care bill. very sweet and nice on phone! I have been writing a letter and not sure if I should give to her. in a nutshell the letter talks about her being the backbone of our family. the job she has done raising our kids. my not judging her, the things she has given up on that gave her meaning ie.. helping people at church, friends dinners etc.. her focus in our marriage on everyone but her! my understanding of the struggles with her childhood, her struggles with her father. about giving our kids the childhood she didn't have, our struggles during marriage financially , raising our kids alone with no family help. my understanding and concern about her happiness. what the most important things in my life our. her desire to start a new career. My being there for kids while she focuses on that! we have discussed her getting an apartment for 6 months before deciding on a future together or not. So I just need some thoughts on giving her this letter or not. Remember sunday night she told me she was seeing someone and to get over it!

Re-read the 37 Rules.

I did thanks. Went to bible kids camp again tonight. Good night w kids. Somewhat ignored w before we left. Got home w got hair done today was looking good . I just couldn't look at her. Said hi asked her if she was going out. She said no I asked her if she could put kids to bed. She said yes. I went to room. Was getting really angry. So I took off told Dr I was going to office. Wife called and asked where I was going. I was nice but short said to office. It's just killing me knowing she is seeing 2nd affair m. I am doing everything in my power to keep it together.

Just breathe... Inhale, exhale.

I totally understand why you would be angry. But always ask yourself one thing before you react.

Is what I'm about to do going to bring me closer or further from my goal?

Not good week so far. Bible study good with kids. Last night came home wife was cheerful . She has been complaining about her unhappiness. At church there was a Billy graham book on hapiness I picked it up and gave to wife. She said she would read it. Gave me a hug went to bed. Asked her this morning how book was she said it was generic read 2 chapters. She wanted to talk today. Met at park started on D talk. There comes a point when you have to realize the door is locked and she threw away the key. Sometimes when you fight resistance it just pushes them farther away. If you let them have what they want they may realize they have it.with kids we both love we need to somehow do what's best for them.I have and will not stop DB ing.gal gal gal be the best dad I can be. Wife still hasn't talked to A and we don't want to spend $$ and fight. I told her if she wants this she has to do the work. That's where we left it.

After re reading JJ advice post. I know I need to keep all interactions positive with wife. we had such a good time last sat. night. I feel like I regressed somewhat. After last night post> her and I put twins to bed. I said a quick prayer and said good night to her. she was sweet, She did take my place last night at the kids vacation bible camp. 2-1/2 hrs with the church people she had been close with. she came home and talked about the little girl who is a handful. she mentioned a few things and we both chuckled. I have to see where this go's with her following through on paper work for a dissolution < which is a quick way to get a D in my state> the problem with it is we need to agree on everything. which I know will be next to impossible. I just need to keep all interactions positive even in a difficult sitch. Well I haven't given up. She is worth fighting for.

Right now you have to remember that she's not your W. She's going to be nice to your face while destroying what you built behind your back. You can get her back, but right now don't overdue the niceness to her.

q

Thtonight had last night of vacation bible kids camp. I was a group leader and tonight the last stop was the game area playing tag games. Long story short I fell and fractured hand and busted chin. Mild concussion and wife took me to hospital. She was very comforting kissed me a few times on cheek. Call in me honey etc.. m I was in severe pain. But it felt good to be with her pain and all. On Way Home she WAS A little standoff ish but took care of me getting ready for bed.I have to see hand surgeon on monday.

Oh no! Here's to a speedy recovery.

,I was helping kids at bible camp when it happened. Wife was at daughters game. She was awesome Helping me last night. This morning she made me breakfast and came up and hung out with just her and I . No R talk just kids, work and church stuff. If felt great just being with her and no fighting.I think she liked it too.maybe I should break other hand.
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Originally Posted By: igit

Thtonight had last night of vacation bible kids camp. I was a group leader and tonight the last stop was the game area playing tag games. Long story short I fell and fractured hand and busted chin. Mild concussion and wife took me to hospital. She was very comforting kissed me a few times on cheek. Call in me honey etc.. m I was in severe pain. But it felt good to be with her pain and all. On Way Home she WAS A little standoff ish but took care of me getting ready for bed.I have to see hand surgeon on monday.

When DB does not work, break some bones and get a concussion. Noted...

Today was a different kind of day. W spent a lot of time with me this morning. Hung out in my room and small talked for an hour on one occasion, and 20 minutes on another. Wife was taking care of me.she just kept on talking. She wasn't in a hurry like she has been. No R talk just kids, schedules etc..her girlfriends from church were texting her checking on me. Kind of cool because I spent a week with her freinds doing bible camp. All in all I hope we can have some more good days. Just don't want anymore broken bones.

Wife got home at 245am. I was up reading on 2nd floor. I knew where she was with other m. Before she left she told me she was going out with girlfriend but I could tell by look in her eyes she was lieing and she knew that I knew . A little rendondent. Anyway since my fall my sleeping is not consistent times. The twins were camping out in my room and I was wide awake at 1am.at 245am w came home she saw I was up and thinking I would come down to confront her. I didn't just went to sleep. Around 8am I stopped into see her. I calmly asked her if she was ok. I know she is mlc. All the signs are there. I just can't ignore the fact that another A is happening. I just asked her if she could step back and look at the situation from this being someone else. Not us. I know DB rules etc. I didn't get angry with her just asked if she wanted to talk about. She asked me to stay with her. I fell asleep with her got intimate and fell asleep. Today we hung out she drove me on some errands etc.she did thank me for not leaving her and said I have been very stable for kids. We talked a little bit but not any R stuff. I don't know where this is headed.

Igit -

I've been there and done it. To the LBS, asking "What would you think if this was someone else?" is pointless. It SHOULD make sense, right? I know that my H told me over and over and over again that I was his best friend. One day I said to him, "What advice would you give me, your best friend, if I were to tell you about the situation my marriage was in?"

He just stood there, blinking at me.

This was MONTHS ago.

There are moments where there is some clarity in the fog. I have a screenshot still of an IM that he sent me, where somehow in his day he felt my pain. He told me that I did not deserve to share, that I deserved my own man and that man was him. But again - this was months and months ago...and while he was feeling my pain, his OW was telling him that she was starting to fall in love with him. They would have conversations about how he felt terrible about what he was doing to his marriage and he could never make it up to me, and she would just agree with him...No - you can never make it up to your wife.

And then a few days later he reported to me that he tells everyone that his wife is a miracle.

Indeed, I am. I am a miracle.

Standing is very, very hard. Watching your friend and your life partner deliberately hurt you is bizarre and awful, particularly when you know that this person wouldn't have done this earlier in your relationship. Hang in there---I don't know where things are headed either, but I'm hoping for sunnier skies.

Wife on way to drop off resume. She came in to ask if I was ok to watch kids. I am home today. Job is hr away. Teaching high school. Last job offer she turned down because it was an hr away. She turned down without talking to me about it. She said because we were in limbo.if she wants this job I would need to drop kids off at school. Pick up its 2 minutes other direction from school. Our biggest concern is kids. My offer will be her get an apt. Closer to job. Get her focus on career. Off of D. In my mind she is no longer my wife except on paper. I see flashes of her old self. I just don't know. She has said apt.from day 1 of this sitch. It would give her space she needs. I guess we see where this is going. Or other option is go with D and me keep kids while she is getting her job together

JJ. I had a good day or two but know this A is still going on. She is not even hiding or denying it's happening. I am to the point that next time she brings up D talk , remaining friends for kids etc. I am just going to tell her I have no interest in any kind of friendship going forward or even talking about any future type of relationship with her until other m is out of picture.send me text about kids etc. Your thoughts or advice on how to handle this.she is interviewing for a job hour from home. She can get apt. I will take care of kids, she can see them when she wants.

How do you go LRT with kids in home

Dev's thread in the infidelity forum is excellent. I was reading it today.

I don't have the stomach for the LRT, but I'm so impressed by those who do. I'm terrified of it, myself.

I wonder how many people make it through this without getting to LRT.

its hard to LRT with w in home and 3 kids with activities to coordinate. she can be so friendly in interactions, a lot more so than when she was in mist of A last fall. we get along for most part very well. she has to see the change in my conversations with her, she will get a little testy trying to push my buttons and for majority of time I don't argue with her. she has told me recently I am a wonderful person and she is happy for me with the changes she has seen with R with kids and commitment to God.< I don't want to be a part time dad> it just gets frustrating to hear her say this and then say she still wants a D. she has been talking about a D or apt. for 6 months now.I have not once changed my position that I do feel heartfelt pain for her unhappiness I just am not on same page that a D is the answer. she will get angry and try to intimidate me and I have not lost my temper! she may storm out of room and pout but I let her go! she then calms down!. I don't know if other M is still in picture, she claims he is not, but then told me she was seeing someone else! next day she tells me she isn't! I know the rules believe nothing she tells me. last conversation 6 days ago she said lets keep lawyers out of it. I told her I agree but she needs to do the work I cant participate in that! I just wont be a part of breaking up marriage and family! I don't think she has done anything other than talk to a friend who is a sec. for an attorney! she has an interview coming up this week for a teaching job an hr away. she would need to get an apt for logistic reasons. told her I would work with her on that! she and I both agree that we must be close friends for the kids sake. <my thinking is what the heck do you want a D for> anyway I told her we need to put the work in to be better friends and maybe do some counseling together. we would need to sell home etc.. the counseling idea is not in her vocabulary. I figure she will corner me in next few days and try again! I know resisting makes them more determined however she needs to feel consequences of her actions.

the mlc is in effect hear. her childhood issues from no love from dad are resurfacing. lack of self esteem. still trying to have dad pay attention to her. its a problem that is effecting her life, my life, our kids life and very frustrating! Sure I know how I could have been more supportive. more listening etc... but the childhood issues need to be delt with or they will follow her wherever she go s

I don't know what to think. I have been detaching w love this week.I Noticed something different in the way wife has
Been acting around me. I texted her this am checking if it was ok to ask our 12 yr old D to go to Casting crowns concert tomorrow night. She new I had tickets and might have been surprised I didn't ask her. Anyway d excepted. Tonight I had bible study, got home to pick wallet up. Wife and D were in wifes room. I told them I was going out for pizza. D informed me she couldn't go her team had to play make up game. I told her no problem. W followed me to truck and asked if I was disappointed . I assured her I was fine I could ask someone else and left it at that. Got home from pizza and w asked about bible study told her it was great. Kept it very friendly but short. As I was leaving her room she told me she changed my sheets and made my bed. I thanked her and said goodnight. I will take it. 7 days in a row no talk about a D. Weekends always seem to be the worst. We hope this is a good one

I don't know what to think. I have been detaching w love this week.I Noticed something different in the way wife has
Been acting around me. I texted her this am checking if it was ok to ask our 12 yr old D to go to Casting crowns concert tomorrow night. She new I had tickets and might have been surprised I didn't ask her. Anyway d excepted. Tonight I had bible study, got home to pick wallet up. Wife and D were in wifes room. I told them I was going out for pizza. D informed me she couldn't go her team had to play make up game. I told her no problem. W followed me to truck and asked if I was disappointed . I assured her I was fine I could ask someone else and left it at that. Got home fromeery pizza and w asked about bible study told her it was great. Kept it very friendly but short. As I was leaving her room she told me she changed my sheets and made my bed. I thanked her and said goodnight. I will take it. 7 days in a row no talk about a D. Weekends always seem to be the worst. We hope this is a good one

Went to Casting Crowns concert last night. it was at outdoor Amphitheatre and it rained the whole concert. I took my pastor and we had a great time. Anybody needing something positive in there life . Go see the Casting Crowns. I got home around 1230. checked on kids in bed, wife was in bed with one of twins. Still awake , she has been up to last 9 months a very spiritual person who loved her Christian bands. Casting Crowns being her favorite. she asked me how concert was , I was very moved by concert, its hard to describe other than its all about Jesus and the path to true happiness. All I could do was give her a kiss on cheek and tell her I could never be mean to her. she hugged me got up and went and got 6 cd's of Casting Crown to give to me. I asked her if she wanted to listen to some together and she said she was very tired. I kindly said goodnight and went to bed. she texted me and said she was sorry she was tired. my pastor has been a rock for me. he knows my wife and told me to just hang in there with her. Wife has been very nice this week, hasn't been out after dinner or late at night. only once in last 10days. The detaching for me was good this week , I felt like I slipped a little last night but the Christian concerts is something we both like and her getting back to that would be a positive step for her.

Wen to work this am. Met up with wife at daughters softball game. Wife very quiet today. She is spending day w kids. I am off to work. We see what her plans are for evening. Noticed a book she was reading on happiness. It seems to me she is reflecting, trying to stay back from her so I am not to blame

Not a good night. Went to dinner with boys. Wife was home when we got home. She was mad because it was 9 and said boys should be in bed. I said look it's sat.night and there camping out in my room. I asked her why she was so angry. Then she blew up. Went to her room and I followed her. Bad move. I brought book I was reading which had some relevant reading on healing soul etc... she is very angry saying she is mad because I won't help with divorce. I said stop I know how you feel I just don't agree that D is answer. Then it got ugly she said then we will spend $20k.a piece on attorneys. She pulled me into fight and I couldn't bite my tongue. I told her I thought she had been depressed the last 2 yrs. And she then started swearing, criticizing me for religion etc. I told her not to take her frustration out on me. She is one running from God.it was not good, I brought up the A. And told her how wrong it was and that is why she wanted D no counceling etc...I left her room angry.slammed door, not very good.

I am just frustrated beyond frustrated. She has rewritten marriage. Was nasty all week. I told her people at church missed her, she statted cussing about last 8 years at church and how miserable it was and how she didn't like people there. That is why she is going to a new church.

If night time seems to be the time that you have these sort of encounters, then best to just steer clear of them. No sense in putting your foot in the bear trap when you can see it sitting there clearly in front of you. I know it's so easy to want to try and fix the situation with your words, but you just can't. This isn't about you. It's about her and unfortunately, the only person that can change that for her is herself.

One thing that I had to unlearn was asking W if she was "ok" or what was wrong. That only made things worse because it comes off as trying to fix the situation. My W told me shortly before BD that if she was in a bad mood, just let her be in a bad mood. If her day is ruined because of her bad mood, then that's her fault and she's the one that misses out. I think that this may be a good approach for you. If you sense she's in a bad mood, just stay away from any sort of questions about her mood. Let her be in a bad mood. It's not your job to fix it right now. I bet it would surprise her for you to not ask and it will help you detach.

If you sense that she's in a bad mood, say your "good night" and then politely excuse yourself to your room or wherever you would like to go that keeps you away from that situation or opportunity to talk (without telling her where you are going). Too much R talk like this is like reopening a wound that's trying to heal and possibly digging it a little deeper.

May I also suggest to stop bringing up religion with her. MWD tells us that a lot of what we do in DB is experimentation. Try something, see if it works. Good - keep going. Bad - stop and try something else. In this case, religion seems to be falling under the bad response category. I know that may hurt you because it seems that your faith is important to you. That's the key - it's important to you. Right now, it's not important to her. Telling her that people from church miss her, that's she's running from God, etc. she doesn't care. In fact, from what I can read, it's just making it worse. You are pursuing with this experiment and it's making her push away more. If she is going to a new church now, then you just have to let her. If things in your R improve to the point where you are both on the same page, then you can have that talk or it may become important to her again. But for now, don't touch that red button because truly nothing good is coming of it.

The biggest and best thing that you can do here is to detach! It's HARD! I know that I struggle with it. Just when I think I'm on the right track, something happens that causes me to re-evaluate how well I'm actually detaching. Right now, you sound VERY wrapped up in what she is doing, where she is going, the current status of her faith, what she is reading, music she is listening to, etc. Where in all that mess is there room for you? What are you doing to improve you? What are you doing to improve your relationship with your children? How are you becoming the type of S only a fool would leave? Certainly not by lobbing shells at her about religion and the A.

Tell us what you are doing for you. What is one thing that you've always wanted to do, but just haven't gotten around to doing it? Is there somewhere you would like to go? A hobby that you've always wanted to pick up? What about working out? From personal experience, there's no better pick-me-up than a good workout. Work off that frustration and get fit in the process!

Whatever it is, you've just got to get out of her hair and out from underfoot. No more religion talk, no more R talk, no more talking about why she's angry. Just pretend that those things are that proverbial red button that's going to end the world. If you start to get an itch to press that button, recognize it, and go find somewhere else to be. From this point on, you do not appear to be concerned about her business. It's natural to be concerned because you love her. Write about your feelings in a journal that you keep hidden in a place only you know and can find or a private blog that only you have the password to. The less you focus on her and more on what you can do to improve you, the happier you will be and eventually, she will take notice.

You can do it - you just have to take the first step.

^^^^^ great response!

Last night was such a disaster. We have always in past came to more calm when talks became attacking. Last night that didn't happen. Didn't Want This Sunday Morning To Have argument lingering. I stopped in and told her I was sorry for trying to fix her with all the books etc. She said well 95% of what is in the book applies to everyone. I didn't say anything in response. She told me to get some sleep. She brought up living arrangements etc. Attorneys, cost etc.. she said she had her attn.throw out annulment because she didn't think we could agree on anything. She said she had him draw up divorce paperwork. She said well it will cost us $20k. Because of my unwillingness to cooperate. I let her spew.I think she is trying to intimidate me. In our state d is filed nothing takes place. 90 to 120 says initial hearing etc. We talked about $$$ she thought she would get apt. We split 50 50 parenting . I asked how job prospect was going , she is talking about going back to school ..we talked about how much we spend a month on living expenses, about $5k. A month. Anyway apartment living would be huge adjustment for her and kids from a 4000.Sq ft home on 5 acres. A couple things she has mentioned to me she has admired about me is stability and provider, she has been cakewalk in last 6 months big time. Anyway I took boys to church, she went to pick daughter up at freinds from sleep over. I texted her after church to let her know I was taking boys for breakfast. She called and said she would join us. Had a really nice time at resteraunt where owner knows us. Went home after church. Wife boys to pool, daughter and I stayed home. She did tell me this am that she has been depressed last 2 yrs. I did say do you think this is path to take. Not much response.

Last night was such a disaster. We have always in past came to more calm when talks became attacking. Last night that didn't happen. Didn't Want This Sunday Morning To Have argument lingering. I stopped in and told her I was sorry for trying to fix her with all the books etc. She said well 95% of what is in the book applies to everyone. I didn't say anything in response. She told me to get some sleep. She brought up living arrangements etc. Attorneys, cost etc.. she said she had her attn.throw out annulment because she didn't think we could agree on anything. She said she had him draw up divorce paperwork. She said well it will cost us $20k. Because of my unwillingness to cooperate. I let her spew. In our state d is filed nothing takes place. 90 to 120 says initial hearing etc. We talked about $$$ she thought she would get apt. We split 50 50 parenting . I asked how job prospect was going , she is talking about going back to school ..we talked about how much we spend a month on living expenses, about $5k. A month. Anyway apartment living would be huge adjustment for her and kids from a 4000.Sq ft home on 5 acres. A couple things she has mentioned to me she has admired about me is stability and provider, she has been cakewalk in last 6 months big time.

wife took daughter to friends for rib fest last night. she then called and said she was going to go back to rib fest with daughters friends. she asked what I was doing, I said boys were eating. I then took for ice cream, we drive by other mans home and I notice wifes car in his garage. I sent her a text and said I saw her car in his garage. she tried calling, I didn't answer. she stopped me on way out this morning! said she stopped to congratulate him on softball season. I told her I was exposing her affair today. I was going to let his ex-wife know! our children as well. she said she will tell daughter, to come home now! I told her I will not allow this to go on anymore! The kids have been a wreck and so has she. she blames this on me for not helping with a D> I told her she has been talking about it for months. I told her she needs to address this with a psychologist and that I would not take no for an answer her plan to hook up with this guy after D is fine but kids are going to know I will not lie or cover up for her any longer. I am going to expose it! So what if we end in D she needs to see first hand impact and damage on kids

reconsidered position and telling her to move out in next few weeks. I am taking the high road. I cant allow my kids to suffer anymore. they start school in 4 weeks. I don't need to run her under the bus about ongoing affair. she has to sleep with that on her mind. she can get apartment and move out in next few weeks. find a place that kids can stay in half time.. I will stay in home and get it ready to sell.i am not giving up on DB but this is necessary for my sanity.

What positive things do you hope exposing the affair will do for you or your kids?

Truth, wifes plan all along, taking kids around m this winter. Truth never lies. They will no father has values and morals unlike wife. Also A will not be hidden.but I am going to take hi road and time will expose truth.no need to run w under bus. She has to sleep with what she has done.

ladbug, they will here it from someone. why lie to them. I know I am torn with this decision. w called me this am wanting to know when we could talk. frankly this w has hurt me and lied to me enough for 2 lifetimes. I don't think I can take anymore anguish

It's hard to deal with a person who is addicted to affair. It's like a drug. She can only medicate rt now with this drug. My kids are a wreck. I don't want her to leave but think it may help her see what she is doing. Being by herself in an apt.may be what she needs rt now. I won't let her drag me into this mudslinging any longer.

Because she is and always will be their mother and humiliating her is humiliating them.

Their R with her is between them. She will have to deal with whatever consequences come from her affair. You said you're now a practicing Christian, turn it all over to God.

If you don't want to be in a R with her, then don't be in a R with her but don't bring you kids into the drama. It's not theirs.

I realize you're hurt but hurting others doesn't make the hurt go away.

I know! I don't want to hurt my wife! I just need to move on and let her go! If she doesn't come back it wasn't meant to be.
I just don't understand why she expects me to help her with a D> I have told her there is a lot of work necessary and she needs to do that. without her having some sort of template to work off of there isn't much to really talk about. my IC told me she wouldn't help either at this point. she needs to see the consequences of what she is doing. not to hurt her, but to put the burden on her!

Well my birthday was yesterday. 54 yrs young. Although this has been the most painful year of my life it has changed me somehow for the better. My wife had all kids get me a individual present. We had Chinese carryout and ate at home. Daughter made blueberry muffins and brought me one with candles to blow out. My wife sat on fireplace quietly and watched all the love kids have for me. I didn't get a card or anything from her and figured I wouldn't. I wasn't cold to her just avoided making any eye contact with her. Since our fight on monday about her visit w other man I just can't look at her right now. She called and texted me several times after fight,, all I could do was text her back and ask her to leave me alone. The night of my birthday I went to bed early and she came into my room and woke me and was sitting on edge of my bed. She could tell I was sleeping and left room. This morning she came in while I was getting out of shower and asked if I wanted coffee. She then wanted to talk. I asked her jokingly if she was going to give me my bday present. She would always on any special day have wild sex with me. She new what I was talking about when I said it and said ok then I want to talk. Well I got my present and then we talked for a few minutes. I asked her if a miracle happened and there was one thing I could do to have her give us another chance what would it be. She sat for a minute and didn't say anything. I said are you going to answer that. She said I don't know I can't think of anything. I got a little defensive and said I wish she would send her dad the letters she has been writing him for 17 years but never has sent. Her dad emotionally has rejected her since a baby. We both know it's been a big part of her struggles. She got mad. I left for work. Daughter had vb practice tonight so I took boys fishing. When we got home tonight boys were all excited and told mom how much fun they had. They went outside and I came face to face with wife in kitchen. She gave me a hug. I should have kept mouth shut but I couldn't I just told her sorry for making this so hard on her. She was very emotional and I could tell she was starting to cry. Anyway we put boys to bed together I gave boys a kiss and told them I loved them. She was in bed with one of boys I gave her a kiss on head and said goodnight. The thing I have read and learned about women that were impacted by childhood neglect from father's can have life lasting problems in there adult relationships. They act out wanting to be rejected and they think there not worthy of being loved. I know and have read 180's ,37 rules, etc... I have been working them, but my sitch I don't want to reject her. It's been 7 months since she started talking about D. There are different avenues to D in our state. Annulment easy short route 60days. D 6 to 9 months with kids. My ic. Who is a clinical psychologist I have been seeing once a week for last 6 months and knows my wife's history has told me in her 30 years of practice she has seen very similar situations and w is trying to get me to reject her , file for D. She has suggested I keep working on myself and would not help her with D. It's my decision but annulment would be easy way out. She has told me if you have the strength to make it hard on her she may come out of fog. She has met my w three times and see's how we interact in her office. W will hug me after sessions for a long time. IC says she doesn't act like someone who wants a D, but wont agree to marriage counseling. Won't see and individual psychologist because she doesn't think she wants to deal with childhood issues. It's crazy going through all of this. I used to watch tv. 2 to 3 hrs a day. I haven't watched 3 hrs of tv in 6 months. I have read so many books on these subjects of narcissist , father daughter relationships etc that I feel like I know my wife better than she knows herself. Well Daughters bday is tomorrow. We see how weekend go s. Weekends always seem to be hardest and alot happens. I am reading a book by Gary Smalley -how to win wife back from a chriStian way. It has alot of same suggestions on proper attitudes, how to handle treating person during seperation and even after d. It is the true how to love someone unconditionally even if marriage doesn't work out.

weekends are usually the worst. this weekend Friday night was no different.FRI daughters bday party. a sleep over with 3 of her friends. w took girls to pool and dinner I took boys to county fair. we hooked up at home around 8 and had ice cream and cake. that night girls stayed in my room w stayed in daughters room. I got boys to bed. stopped into her room and we started talking. it didn't start to well, more of same angry conversations. next day tball tourney all day. we went to dinner after game. w went out that night at 6 got home at 2am. said she was going to movies. she snuck into home and was in daughters room to sleep. I stopped in and asked her if she could stop this nonsense. she followed me into room talked for an hr. a little spewing back and forth. I asked her if she would quit acting like she was single etc... she was angry, emotional , sad, guilty etc... we talked about kids, money etc... things calmed down, we talked about financial issues. she doesn't have a job... it finally dawned on her what type of $$$ she would get from me on a monthly basis. not enough to support her life style. etc. housing would be a lot less then she realized. it ended up with a calm goodnight. sunday she took one of twins to her new church. I took other 2 kids to our family church. not much interaction during day. early eve I was kidding boys ready for bed. I stopped in and apologized for bashing last night and left. put boys to bed she asked me to stop in. she was laying in bed and asked me to stay with her for a while. we had a good conversation she asked how church was etc... D stopped in and asked for ice cream. I asked w if she wanted any. I brought her some and said good night she thanked me for ice cream and for talking. she is headed out of town tonight with D for a night. see how things go when she returns

Wife told me she has a interview for a teaching job tomorrow an hr away. She told me she would have to leave everyday by 6 am could I get kids ready for school in the mornings if she took job. She said it would help us financially moving forward. Well I am hoping this helps her come out of fog of mlc. We see, I don't wanto to get my hopes up, but this would be great for self esteem. It's going to be a transition yr no matter what. W hasn't had to work in 15yrs. I am going to try and remain hopeful that somehow I can turn this ship around. Alot has happened in last 9 months, just w being persistent on a D but nothing filed etc... I know the om is still out there. I need to keep detaching but be consistent on attitude and positive changes. Try and love her from a distance

She has been very nice last few days. Called me at work today small talk, I tried to get off first and she stopped me wanting to talk more. The job if offered to her would be huge for her confidence. Keep her very busy! I am hopeful it works out for her.

Just having a hard time today. Wife was pleasant called me after her interview said it went well. I am just plain worn out emotionally and physically. The Affair with this single guy whose wife cheated on him is such a predator. If w does get her d I am going to be honest with 12 yr old D and tell her the truth. I am not going to allow this predator to pop up as my wife's freind knowing he was sleeping with a married mom of 3 kids. Ain't going to let it happen. Wife has been battling these unresolved child hood issues with father are whole 17yrs of marriage. I AM Just Drained Over This. My w gave me the never loved you, running away from everyone in her life rt now. Need some encouragement out there.

wife got the teaching job offer today and accepted. starts in 3 weeks. hr drive from home leave home at 6am. I suggested she get an apt. closer to school. she didn't like idea. she asked if I could get kids ready in am for school. I told her I would. we see where things go from here. something positive for both of us. if we do D my payments wont be as much.

Going to be interesting weekend. Wife has meeting with school on Monday to go over package before signing contract. I think she is a little overwhelmed. Get up 530 am to leave by 6am. I get kids ready for 730 am drop off at there school. Not sure how D fits into this equation. I hope she except job. I don't want her back as her second choice. Need some advice out there from starsky Mr bond etc.

I am waiting for conversation on this how D fits into equation. I am sure other m is pushing her not to take job. I am going to stay neutral.

Wifes brother and kids came over tonight to shoot some fireworks off. All 6 of the kids were having a blast. W came home from store for a half hr and then took off to a party. She was uncomfortable with her brother. Has seen him 3 times in last 7 months. He has tried to reach out to her but she just avoids him.I have have always been very close to her brother and have kept the kids seeing each other as much as we always have. It's just not the same without wife being there. My kids and his are between 6 and 12 and I am sure they sense something isn't right. Tomorrow is Sunday I will take kids to church and do something fun with them. W has her meeting with school on Monday about pay package. I am sure she will corner me sometime tomorrow about taking this job and our future. I am going to try and be a good listener. My gut is telling me other m is discouraging her taking the job. Less time to see her.I am going to listen to her and if she ask I will say it's your decision and this is a step towards the independence she claims she needs. She knows I will do my part in getting kids up and off to school. I think Mt best avenue is to try and be her freind. Usually after seeing other m she is angry with me. I am going to be my best if this happens and try to not get sick ed into a fight.

wife has been avoiding me this week. seems angry. she is finalizing new teaching job in next few days. not sure what is going on with her. I think the new job and trying to think about a D is causing her anger. who gets kids ready? for school? I am trying to be strong, friendly, GAL>

I think anger is a part of this process. She's angry at herself, not you. She's made her bed, and now she gets to take a look at it. It's not what she wanted....And now she's got more to fix.

GAL...Be approachable and neighborly, but she's got to sort a lot of this out herself.

MLP thanks for the post. w is signing contract today! that's a good thing! I spoke to her this morning! She was angry at first I was very friendly and told her to be positive about job it was a good start for her. she seamed to relax and became less defensive. I think she is feeling the impact of having a new teaching job and the need for me to help with kids. I have been very busy at my business and my company is starting to take off despite my sitch at home. I have been working late to give wife a sense of life without me with kids. I am not sure what is going to happen in future. with this teaching job I am not sure how a D fits into the equation for immediate future. I know another m probably not on board with this teaching business. I think w is in mlc and hoping fog maybe lifting a little. its hard to go through this!i think Wifes anger is do to her seeing reality of sitch and how difficult a D would be. I have told her to take a step back from sitch and look at what future would be like. I still need to keep detaching but want to be available to talk with her when she wants. any advice appreciated

Wife starts teaching next Monday. she called me today at work talked about our schedules for next week. she leaves at 6am. our kids start there school following week. I will be taking them to school. wife seamed relieved when I told her I know this doesn't change anything with us rt now. i talked about getting home ready to sell next spring! Think it caught her by surprise! Just left it at that! Cut conversation short. I have been working late and have probably seen her all of 30minutes this week. I have tried really hard to mentally release all anger I have for her in any and all conversations. I know this job is big for her in gtting a more positive self esteem. iam going to try and focus on just being her friend rt now and continue to do my own thing. she is going to have to come back to me for this to work out.

Kind of tuff week. Good job detaching but it's Friday night. Wife heading out w girlfreind. I taking kids to Bob Evans for dinner. I really miss my wife. Our conversations this week have been short but pleasant. I am hopeful that teaching will give w a shot of self esteem. This week she was doing some work for me on my computer and she saw a file with a woman's name, she questioned me who it was. It was a business client and I told her that. I sensed a little jelous hint in her. Made me feel good. The week was great as far as showing zero anger toward her. Even though she was keeping her distance and interactions short. She has lost some of her anger. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life. I have to be a man only a fool would leave. I just pray that I can draw my wife back to me soon. My ic told me the job is a huge thing for w. She thinks If w wants to give it another try it will happen by thanksgiving. Oh well I love this board and the encouraging people going through or been thru same thing.

Wife very friendly today. Called me 4 times while I was out this morning . She asked if I could take kids while she went to library. I took kids to pool. Have a wedding 2hrs away I am going solo to. I came down to leave all dressed up and she said wow. Asked when I would be home. I said maybe tonight maybe in am. Said goodbye to kids and took off. I am trying very hard on detaching, it define try has caught her attention this week. Well she will be busy getting ready to teach her new class this week. I am taking a few afternoons off to watch kids. I am going to be a man only a fool would leave. She is no fool. Hope the fog is lifting. No neediness on my part last few weeks. Dropped the anger,, gal ,big time this week.

Came home from wedding late last night. This morning I slept in and came down this morning told boys to get ready for church. Wife told me we were to be ushers at church. Surprised me that she wanted to go. It was a good day and church she reached out to a new family. I am taking kids to pool today so she can study her lesson plan. She hasn't been to our church in 2 months, it felt good to have her there.

I noticed w has been reading her bible in her room. I stopped into her room to get one of twins up. I have read in the mlc threads the stages and one of the signs is reconnecting wit kids. Although she never left for more than 2 or 3 days at a time. She had not been there for them emotionally just not connected. This past week I saw a dramatic change in that pattern. Although she hasn't opened up to me. In fact she will be very nice part of day and then ignore me later at night. I have tried successfully to not show any anger and it is becoming easier. Patience is so hard. It's been 6 months since this alien invaded my wife. I see signs of her old self. I am working on me which is the only thing I can work on.

My kids are going back to there christian school in a week. Since w leaves at 6am I will be gething kids up and drop off to school. A team effort for sure. My w knows I am committed to helping her anyway I can with help while she teaches. I guess that unconditional love.

It's day 2 of wifes new teaching job. She is definitely tired. Up at 6 this week for oreantation. Home at 430 5. It will be a routine starting next week when our kids start back to school. I am trying to quietly make it all about her rite now. Cooked dinner last 2 nights. My daughter went to my office with me after dinner to put a slide show together for our tball party tomorrow night. Wife stopped in with boys to see if she could help. I am doing some of the things now I should have been doing for her during our m. Rt now I am just living one day at a time and thankful no D talk for last 2 weeks. I do get the feeling she doesn't mind being around me rt now. We are doing tball party tomorrow night. Thursday night we are going to be doing a real estate listing together. She will do marketing, I will do negotiations with her input as well as our clients. Our friendship seams to be getting better. It's a start for sure. I would love to hear what advice Sandi would have on my sitch.

It took a long time for our m to slowly deteriorate and I think it will take time for her to want to make an effort. The last 2 yrs we seemed to have been running kids in different directions one team game here other kids with me some other game. She was feeling like I didn't care about her. Not being the kind of man I should have been. We haven't spent any lone time together in a month other than a fight here or there. Thursday night should be a good night getting to do a real estate deal together. I miss her. Just need to keep doing my own thing, be happy!

Today was twin boys tball party. As head coach I gave awards and s speach to each individual player. I thanked wife and daughter in beginning of speach. For the first time in a long time my wife was laughing like crazy at some of my funny comments in speach. I looked over at her and she seamed happy to be with me for a night. Anyway party was over at 8. Wif was sound a sleep in her room by 9. New job is making her tired. All in all a good night. Just living my life like I want to rt now. No pressure on w. No pursuing, no expectations.

Well not best day. At 5 pm was with wife and one of twins. There was a knock at door. Wife and I went to door it was a person delivering a paper .asked me my name and handed me a summons. I looked at it and realized it was a divorce summons. Nice. I looked at wife and took it up to my room. Didn't say a thing. We had an appointment at 6 together for a real estate meeting. Drove to meeting she said I am sorry they were supposed to get ok from her before they delivered. I just said it was ok. We went to meeting which was good. After meeting she asked if I wanted to go get something to eat. I said ok, should have passed. We got to resteraunt and she was crying. I said look it's ok I understand. We ordered food and she said look we can go over this together it's generic and I wanted to talk with you before you got this. I told her I would look at and not to worry about it. I didn't really want to discuss or review together. We ordered beers.bad move. I said a few things.I deserved better, etc.. talked about her dad, her brother, etc.. talked about religion, other m. Which she denied being apart of decision. We didn't argue, I didn't become angry. Ate went on home, she came into my room,gave me a long hug and said she was tired. I told her it would be ok. She asked me if I read summons, I said yes and left it at that. Crazy day. Here we go. She tells me I am a great dad and person.I am thinking wtf. I told her I didn't come from a D family and she did and she doesn't understand impact. I did tell her I didn't like how she was treating me in front of kids and she agreed. Oh well I guess I need to put my best DB face on and gal.

I did say a few things I should not have have about her christian beliefs, I should have kept mouth shut. Oh well live and learn

I'm so sorry to hear that, igit. What an awful thing to open the door to. When you said it was ok and that you understood, did you really understand why she was doing it? I also thought it was curious that she said it wasn't because of OM. If not that, then what?

I couldn't sleep felt like I had to get out of my room. I am tired of sleeping in that big room by myself. At 1215 am I quietly lett. Wife heard me leave and ,called. Asked me to come home. She said she would stay with me. I told her I couldn't stay there tonight. She tells me earlier in night she wants to be like her mom. Which was live alone. I felt sorry for her. I told her that was our difference in childhood. A broken family is a result of her actions in her hate for brother, dad, and she could be the one to brake that chain. You can't reason with a waw.mlc. whatever you want to call it. I am just so sick of all this. I will be strong for kids. I now have to wonder what she thinks I am going to do now. Commit to staying there till May when school gets out. I don't know but u know I can't go on living like this.

I understand how you feel. My W comes from a family where her dad had an affair and left the family. It destroyed them and I see the wake of it even today. Knowing the pain that she went through when her dad left, it just doesn't make any sense to me why my W would do the same to her kids. Unfortunately, she is not willing to do anything to get the help that she needs to overcome those issues from her past. From what I've read, your wife sounds like she's got demons of her own that she either is unwilling to deal with or doesn't know how to.

It seems a little confusing that she serves papers to you, but then offers to stay with you because she knows you're hurting because of her choices. I'm sure one of the vets will know better, but to me, it seems like it was a good choice to not go back.

Topgun, thanks for post. Yespecially it's crazy , she can be and has been a loving wife for most of m. However whenever we had issues it always had to do with her dad or her brother. Her brother is my best freind. She even has admitted that was a problem for her because she felt like he hated her. It's messed up big time. Her dad is root of problem. Never gave her time of day. Left her mom with 3 little kids. He took brothers mom took her . Then kids go to grandparents for 3 yrs then back to boys w dad she with mom. I have trI'd to get her to seek help but she refuses. I know getting served is not end of it yet. Things are so complicated. W has new job an hr from home leave at 6am me drop kids off at christian school at 8. It's like what are you thinking. She knows I am stable and wouldn't do anything irrational but man I am having a hard time figuring out what to do. I think a going dark is difficult with kids. We have not had any help with family watching kids, most family out of town. So it will be such a shock to me kids. Looking for advice on how to go about saving this m.

Topgun to answer your question. She says it's not for other m. Sometimes I believe her. The other m had his w do same thing to him. 3 kids. He is a looser . No job other than township bs.some trinket Internet buzz. Alimony 3 kids etc... I ask her and she flat out denies it's because of him. But 3 weeks ago she stopped by his home to congratulate him on baseball season. I saw her car in garage and confronted her about it. She got real angry so I new she was lieing. Anyway what do you do. Feel like she is in fog but I have to change something. She knows I have made big positive changes in me. So there is no other reason in my mind. I don't want to beat her up about it, it's like a broken record

Wife calls me 3 am and asked me to come home. I couldn't bite my tongue, I said the A. Has everything to do with this quit your lies. That was about it for conversation other than I am not coming home tonight.

Mr Bond can you catch up on my sitch.thank you

3 am is definitely not the best time to have those kinds of conversations. Hindsight is always 20/20, but probably would have been best to have not even answered the phone. Just because papers have been served doesn't mean it's over. It seems now, more than ever, would be the best time to keep your cool about it. She seems conflicted about the situation. Don't do anything that would further push her in a direction opposite of you. I know you're hurting, but save those emotional reactions for here and give your W the best PMA that you can muster.

Top gun thanks for your input. I mean what the heck tell me you will sleep with me if I come home. It's like she thinks we are going to be freinds after D. I told her many times there is no such thing as happy D. Forget about bday party's , dinners, church. If that's what you want then don't leave. She wants to be this independent woman d with kids that's what your going to get. I know I am venting but it's true.I am going to keep pma. Not going to discuss my answering summons with her, she picked this route not me. No warning just guy shows up ar door with papers in front of kids. Nice as you now want me to be your carpool for our kids in morning for nine months. I guess I can look at the other side it takes 120 days for first hearing alot could change in 120days

Top gun thanks for your input. I mean what the heck tell me you will sleep with me if I come home. It's like she thinks we are going to be freinds after D. I told her many times there is no such thing as happy D. Forget about bday party's , dinners, church. If that's what you want then dxon't leave. She wants to be this independent woman d with kids that's what your going to get. I know I am venting but it's true.I am going to keep pma. Not going to discuss my answering summons with her, she picked this route not me. No warning just guy shows up ar door with papers in front of kids. Nice as you now want me to be your carpool for our kids in morning for nine months. I guess I can look at the other side it takes 120 days for first hearing alot could change in 120days

Definitely a lot that can change in 120 days. Things could change within a week. You just never know. I know it's been said many times over, but keep working on you and fight through the emotional waves that are crashing against you.

Vent away here, that's part of why the forums are here.

I just don't know what to do with other m in picture. She won't tell me the truth. I wish she would come clean, and show her true colors. Then I might just make this d go quickly. I can't stomach the lieing to my face.

I am taking kids to lake with wifes brother and kids. Tonite my wife comes in and snaps at me that I told my D12 that I wish she was going. My D12 had told me she wished mom was going and I said me to. I told my w yes I did say that. She got angry and said let's talk outside. I let spew she was angry as could be. I just let her scream and yell about how she hated her brother , dad etc, I never stood up for her etc. She then started to cry and said it was one reason why she wanted out of m, I was very calm and talked softly and agreed with her, she calmed way down and we talked for an hour or more. She said she would go to lake but not with brother. She did acknowledge that she new I stood up for her in a squabble going on a few yrs ago. Anyway we talked about kids and school her new job , she was happy I was going to get kids to school etc. She asked me if I had thought about summons etc..I told her I read it but hadn't given it much thought. I was still in disbelief. I wasn't sure I would discuss it with her until I had legal advice. Anyway way it was getting chilli out and she Asked for a hug. I gave her a hug. She cried some more and said what a mess this was and how hard it was to figure everything out. I just agreed and we said goodnight and went to our separate beds. It did feel good her opening up to me. She is a accounting teacher at high school level but has to teach a graphic design class as well. She said she knows nothing about it and is stressed out. All good a little stress from school teaching not so bad. I will show pma.

I woke up and started to think about some bizarre things w said last night. She was 100 percent conVinced that are boys played soccer last spring. Last week she was talking about having them play again this fall. I told her they play tball in late spring soccer in fall. A few months ago she told me she hated our family vacations. L as st night she is telling me she will miss those and how much fun they were. She wants to get a D but not tell anyone until school is out and wants me to live with them for a few months after and maybe longer if it's hard on kids. She wants us to do real estate together since we do it well together. She said she always felt uncomfortable around my family because we are so close and she felt like she didn't fit in. I just listened to her I did say I was pretty sure soccer was in fall but she said no way. I guess I am glad she talked with me for so long and other than first few minutes it was nice to be with her. One other comment I asked her if she could find happiness in our kids and her career and she said no. She made a comment about taking d12 to a counselor because she thinks she has trouble keeping freinds. I just sat there wishing w would go herself and dealing with her own demons.

Took kids to lake had a great time. Got home last night and w was home. Complaining that I get to have and do fun stuff with kids. I told her she was welcome to come. She said some smart at ic comment. I got upset and mentioned I was suprised that she didn't warn me about summons. She spewed I spewed we calmed down and talked about an hour. We laid in her bed hugged for a while. This am we talked about our schedules for week. Got along well. Started to get intimate, w was into it so I went for it. I know it's probably against 180 rules but I don't totally agree. If it brings us closer together what the heck. I know she is in a fog still. With starting new job and me taking on bigger roll with kid's I am not giving up. I know I need to answer summons with in 28 days. Then another 60 to 90 days for a hearing. So I have some time to turn this around. I hope to keep good communication going on at home. Hopefully more alone time and get her to lift out of fog. She is telling me today she thinks we should sell home in spring, we can live together until school is out yata.yata. I am thinking this is same w who said she had to move out she was going stir crazy etc.. anybody out there have a read on this. Alot can happen in 9 months I need to be patient.

Well w will be pushing me on this summons to see what I am going to do. I am not really sure at this point what I am going to do. I could agree to mediation which would be quickest lest painful. But I am not sure I want that either. My thinking is if I am not convinced in next 3 weeks that this affair is really over I may elect for long drawn out version. I really don't want my kids being raised by a skum bag that cheated on my family. I don't know if w would be able to stay in home for duration of a trial if still in affair. So I have alot to figure out and with w teaching it gives me a chance to shine with kids ad well as w.

Hate it for you igit. 3 weeks is not much time especially given your W is pushing the D. There is no harm in agreeing to mediation, as it is non binding. Go see what she is offering, and if it is unreasonable, then do no accept it. At the same time, it makes you come across as reasonable for agreeing to it.

Pilot, summons is a notice I need to respond to within 28days. She is requesting mediation which if I agree to is 60 to 90 days out from submittal of my response. I am in agreement with your suggestion. The one big thing obviously is the kids. With her teaching and leaving at 6am I am getting them ready for school and dropping them off at school. I own my own business and have flexibility with schedule. I am being honest in saying I would be better able to give kids a better home in better schools and a better quality of life.if she can come to terms with that I will let her go rather easy at this point . For the last yr since Affair started she has not been there for them. Her idea of bonding is take them to the store and buy them some toys. She was a very good mom until about a yr ago and kids were starting school full time. She was depressed and looking at her life and not being happy. Of course I was the closest thing to her so she blamed me for her unhappiness. I would love it if she woke up. In fact she has been very kind to me last 3weeks. Losing my anger has helped. However twice in last month I backslid a little. The sex I have to admit was really good since it had been almost a month. Since she was into it made it better. There are so many issues from her childhood in play rt now as well. Her hating her dad and brother etc... it's nuts.

I have read alot about mlc.there are so many signs that point to mlc. Of course I looked ay myself and realized things I could have done better. I have made big changes in my life for the better. I think looking back she has been rejected by her dad her whole life. I truly believe she is wanting me to reject her. It feels more natural to her. Crazy stuff. And of course her being a christian woman until last yr she ran from church, all her church freinds anybody that would question what she is doing. The waw or mlc only look for people to encourage or agree with there actions. So I don't know how to deal with this except be patient and look at her like she is ill.

igit, our situations are more similar than you may think. My W was MIA on the kids for months while she was having her A. I was leaving work early and picking them up from school, cooking them dinner, giving them a bath, and playing with them before bed time. She would see them for 30 minutes in the morning, and the oldest for another 15 minutes after he got home from school 4 days a week. Nothing you could say would make her realize the kids missed her. I also owned my own business, and enjoyed the flexibility of scheduling. But as you know, you do not make money unless you work, and sometimes your work dictates your schedule. She would over compensate with the kids many times. She also went unhappy for a while, although I do not think it was MLC, as she just turned 30. I think it was a combination of a lot of things which made her unhappy. I do not think I am/was the sole source of her unhappiness, but since I was closest I caught the blame. Not to say I was perfect, but I get what you are saying.

We have our ups and downs right now. The big down was resolved (kids school) so things are more or less up, relatively speaking. Just keep at it igit, and keep doing what works. Avoid those backslides as much as possible, and take what is given to you.

Thanks Pilot , I here you and story similiar. Been together 19yrs. W is 48 a very stunning looking woman. She just started this new teaching job. Hasn't taught high school in 15yrs, so big change, she leaves at 6am. I get kids to school. I am still thinking Wtf our you thinking. It's dam hard doing this kid thing married, throw in a job for her now and what are you thinking. Well I see the mlc signs and hope she comes out of it. I really think she will be surprised in me wanting full custody, I do still love this woman and no it could be so much better, but it takes 2 to tango.