Hello everyone. I’m new to the board. Had hoped I would never end up on a board like this, but here I am. I suppose the long and the short of it is that 4 days ago I came home from a two month business trip abroad and found that my wife had moved most of her belongings out. She had left a note stating that she wanted to meet for coffee that afternoon to talk. It was there that she told me that she did not love me anymore, refused marriage counseling, and that she wanted a divorce.
Now a little background I guess. My wife and I met our freshman year of college. She always described it as love at first site, but at the time we met I was in a relationship with someone else. Over time, my wife and I grew closer and my gf at the time grew further apart, mostly due to it being a long distance relationship. My wife and I started dating about four months after we met. We dated throughout the rest of college about 3.5 years. We were very close, did almost everything together, and by my senior year, I knew she was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life on. After graduating, we went on a weekend trip together to a mountain/lake resort town, and I asked her to marry me on May 24, 2008. She said yes. I was the happiest guy in the world. After we got engaged, we moved into an apartment together and both attended graduate school. We got married on July 24, 2010. It was just a small ceremony, but we were so happy. We lived in the apartment for about a year after getting married, so that she could finish her master’s degree. On May 16, 2011 we moved into our townhouse that we bought together. Everything seemed so right.
Over the years we have had our issues, but what couple hasn’t? Most of it had to do with our communication. I’ve never been the kind that wears his emotions on his sleeve. I tend to keep things bottled up inside, and unfortunately when things get too much to handle, I tend to unleash everything at once, and then 15 minutes later, I’m fine again. My wife on the other hand, will hold onto something for days, and just be mad about it for a while before talking about it. We’ve always had communication issues, ever since we started dating. I know that I didn’t outwardly express my love for her enough, we didn’t talk about when things were bothering us enough. But despite our issues, I always thought we could work with them. I always loved her enough to look past our issues (although now, too late, I realize we should have been working through them instead of around them).
Then we had a big issue, which was totally my fault. My wife had applied and been accepted to a local police academy in the summer of 2013. I was never fully on board with the idea of her being a cop. I was afraid that she might get hurt, or that shift work would put a strain on our marriage. But she was so happy about it. She hated her previous job, and getting her acceptance letter made her the happiest I had seen her in a long time. Seeing her so happy, I just resigned myself to her being a cop. She had a really rough time in the academy. She came home every night tired, sore and emotionally drained. I took the wrong approach to helping her. I tried to push and encourage her: “You can do this. I know you can do this. Just keep pushing through.” Looking back, this “tough love” approach was probably the last thing she needed. She needed to be held and told that everything was going to be fine.
Well one night she was having a particularly bad night. She was extremely sore from the academy that day, and was lying in bed that night moaning from the pain. I tried to soothe her at first, but I had no effect. I had a bad day at work that day, and had to get up to go to work the next morning, so after a while of lying there, I did the most selfish and inconsiderate thing I have ever done in my life. I went and slept on the couch, and got a decent night’s sleep. A few days later, my wife got sick and had to withdraw from the academy. She was crushed. Nothing I tried made her feel better. She started seeing a counselor not long after this to help her deal with it, and continues seeing her to this day.
At the time, I didn’t realize what I had done that night I went to the couch. A few months later, on a night that I went out with some of my friends, I came home to my wife asleep and a letter on my computer keyboard. She wrote about how much I hurt her that night, and how rocky our relationship had become over time. I read the letter, and reread it. I was shocked and really hurt that she thought our relationship had gotten so rocky. I realized reading the letter just what I had done that night I slept on the couch. I left her. I abandoned her for my own selfish sleep. I felt awful. The next day we talked about the letter. It was the first time in a very, very long time that I had cried. We talked about a lot, from the night I slept on the couch, to me finally telling her that I had never really wanted her to be a cop. We were both emotionally drained by the end.
Things seemed to get better after that talk. We started talking more, doing more things, and just generally seemed more happy together. But that only lasted so long. Earlier this year, I noticed that she started withdrawing from me. She would never say “I love you” first, only when I said it, and even then it seemed more of a reply than an affirmation of love. I confronted her about this one day, and we had another talk. She said that although some things had gotten better, there were still a lot of things that weren’t where she wanted them to be. So we talked about those things, and agreed to work on them. I tried my hardest to do all the things that she wanted us to work on. I tried everything. I even went along with her to one of her counseling sessions, at her and the counselor’s request, but I felt very uncomfortable. I had never been to a counseling session before, and being a person who doesn’t outwardly express a lot of emotion or feeling, it felt awkward and forced.
It is kind of strange how our relationship was. At some times, it was like things were ok, not great, but good. We laughed, we talked, we did things together and it felt great. But most of the time, it seemed like we were just two people in the same house. And there was a tension on the air. I tried, I really did, to bring the better times out as much as possible. Making jokes, poking/tickling her to try to instigate something (although that just seemed to tick her off), cuddling at night. But often it didn’t work. I couldn’t pull the wedge out from between us enough. At first I tried convincing myself that I did, but that just made it worse when I realized that I hadn’t.
At the beginning of this year I found out about an opportunity to go overseas and work for two months in Bangladesh. I discussed it with her, and she encouraged me to go, saying that it was a great opportunity to see and do new things in a place that you normally wouldn’t visit. So I volunteered to go. I left in mid-April and we were unfortunately on one of the phases where things were not going right. I knew I was going to miss her. But nothing prepared me for that first night. I could never have guessed just how much I would miss her. When I laid down that first night, it hit me. I realized for the next 8 weeks, the person that I love wouldn’t there beside me, and it was the worst feeling in the world. I lost it. I just started crying, and I couldn’t stop. We had been apart for a few nights before, but the length of this stay and being halfway across the world, I couldn’t handle that. I couldn’t handle the thought of being away from her for so long. That night reaffirmed to me how much I love her, that I needed her, and didn’t want to live without her.
So I decided that I needed to be proactive in working on the relationship. I always just assumed that things would work themselves out. I thought we could fix things on our own, that with time and talking, things would be ok. But after that first night in Bangladesh, I knew I couldn’t take a chance on that not happening. I couldn’t risk us trying to do it on our own and failing. So I looked into counselors and marriage counseling in general online. After looking through some things, I knew that I wanted to do it. I told her about my desire to do it, and she agree to take the names of counselors I had found online and look into them. I was really looking forward to coming back and working through things, and hopefully keeping our marriage on track.
Unfortunately, it didn’t work out that way. Two days before I was to come home, I got an email saying that something had come up and that she couldn’t pick me up at the airport. After the email, she wouldn’t answer any video/voice chats, text chats, or emails. I started to freak out a bit. I flew back home June 15th. After my 19.5 hours in a plane back to the States, I took a taxi home from the airport. Once I got there, I found that she had moved out most of her personal belongings while I was out of the country. She left a note saying that she wanted to meet for coffee that afternoon. At our coffee meeting, she told me that she wanted a divorce, that she just doesn’t love me anymore. She had moved into an apartment across town, and put a retainer on a divorce lawyer. I was crushed. I was expecting to come home to her and for us to start working toward a better marriage, not to come home after eight weeks to an empty house and a request for divorce. I started to lose it. I asked her to go to marriage counseling instead of getting a divorce, like I thought we had planned, but she refused, saying that her mind was made up.
Two days later she came to the house and we started dividing up our shared items, furniture, dvds, paintings, etc. It was all too fast for me, I was still trying to grasp what was happening. But she had moved into an unfurnished apartment and said she needed the stuff. It hurt so bad to see the last ten years of our lives divided up like that, the memories that we had, the home we had built together. At the end of her visit, it had all become too much for me. I asked her again to go to counseling, instead of heading towards divorce. I told her if she wanted to move out, have some space, that was ok, I just wanted to work on our relationship, to fight for our marriage. That just irritated her, and she left, saying she couldn’t handle my roller coaster emotions.
She came back the next day (yesterday) to pack some more things up. I had been out fishing, trying to keep myself busy and to think and clear my head. She was already at the house when I returned, packing all of her remaining belongings into boxes. Again, I felt miserable the whole time, as she split our lives into piles and boxes. But I didn’t lose it this time. Sure, I cried off and on, as we came across something that reminded me of a good time or a particularly meaningful memory. But I didn’t beg her to stay, I didn’t beg for counseling. We even shared a snack and a beer. And then she left, and I completely broke down again.
This morning she came with a U-haul van and movers, to take her part of the furniture and the rest of her belongings. I couldn’t stay in the house to watch, so I took a walk, and then sat outside across from our house. The house feels so empty now. This feels so final. Aside from the pictures of us that I kept, it’s like she was never here. It’s so lonely. This evening she is coming over to take two of the three cats, one of which is my favorite cat that we have had since he was born.
She still hasn’t given me a real reason for leaving and wanting a divorce. All she has said is that she doesn’t love me anymore. But there has to be a reason. People don’t just fall out of love and refuse to try and fix things without a reason. She has told me there is no other man, and after ten years of being together, and knowing the type of person she is, I believe her. I don’t believe she would do that. But, as crazy as it sounds, I almost wish it was another man. At least that way I would know why, instead of sitting here wondering where things went wrong, what I could have done better, how she can stop loving me when I love her with all of my heart and soul. Wondering what happened to “Til Death Do Us Part.”
I don’t know where to go from here. I feel lost. I found myself just wandering around the house the other night, not sure what to do with myself. I am going to try and keep myself busy and doing things, because the moment I stop and sit and think, I start losing it again. And I’ve decided to go and see a counselor, because I don’t think I can deal with this on my own. I ordered DR and it should be here today, so I will start reading that as well, a hopefully I can get through this. And I have to hope that maybe she’ll remember what we meant to one another, and how happy we were, and hopefully she’ll want that back.
Welcome and sorry to find yu hear with us. We all know your pain and if you read my thread I also got the ILYBINILWY (get to know the abbreviations we use them alot. there is a thread)
Your wife is a Walk Away Wife (WAW) youtube that WAW syndrome and Michelle Weirner Davis...she has a great video explaining everything.
Cadet usually sends this out but here is our first welcome message:
Welcome to the board
Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Then read these next rules, memorize and apply them. Read and get hope from these threads some like Sandi2 and Starsky and 25 have all made it back to reconciliation.
It is the toughest hell you will ever go through but you can fight your way to being a better you and maybe even saving your marriage. Hang in there
Sandi2's 37 rules
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2250607#Post2250607
Well, she is completely moved out. The house feels so empty now. She still hasn't really given me a why, or what triggered her leaving so suddenly, but at this point I am not asking anymore. If she's going to tell me, she'll tell me when she's ready.
I'm trying to stay busy, and I finished reading DR yesterday. Going to focus on keeping myself going and working on some of the techniques in the book, especially not pursuing.
nova its very hard, but you have one advantage over some of us..this is fresh, don't do all the wrong things I did in the beginning of my journey. I wish I found the books and this site back then. I take a couple of days to plan out your DB and get to work!!!!! im here for ya!!!
Nova,
No time to really reply right now, but I can say that one night of sleeping on the couch because she was keeping you awake (and you couldn't help her feel better, even though you tried) is not a deal-breaking event.
It sounds like you were as supportive as you knew how to be.
Did you do it "right" as far as she was concerned?
Probably not.
But we are not mind-readers, as much as WE ALL HERE WISH WE WERE!
(No need for DBing then!)
Unless she TOLD you exactly what she wanted/needed and you said "Forget that, I'm going to sleep on the couch", well, then that's kind of cold. And it doesn't sound like that's what happened.
I'll have to re-read and in the absence of sage advice (leave that to the vets) I will at least try and lend an ear and maybe some food for thought.
Hang in there, nova.
You're in the best place you can be to get a handle on things right away.
It ain't over 'til it's over.
And even then sometimes it still ain't over!
--GG
First off, thanks for the welcome everyone.
So last night I went over to her apartment (at her request) to talk about coming up with an agreement about our joint money. She made dinner for us, and before and during dinner everything was ok. I put on my "I'm OK" face and we talked about work, what we had been up, etc. We didn't talk about the relationship and I didn't try to pull up any memories or anything like that (doing my best to follow DR and the rules). Even the discussion about money went ok, which could have turned into a mess, but we came to an agreement that both she and I believe is fair. After our discussion we started some more small talk, and that was when something I hadn't counted on occurred.
I asked her how her parents were doing. Her parents and I have always gotten along well and we all like each other a lot. She responded that they were doing ok, but that this was a lot for them to process since she never really shared with them any of the issues that we had and that they always thought that our marriage was fine. And then I slipped up, and said that it was a lot for me to process to because she never really told me about any of the issues that she had with our marriage. As soon as I said it, I knew I shouldn't have. I was expecting her to get annoyed and defensive. But to my surprise, she didn't. And although she didn't go so far as to explicitly say it, she seemed to agree with that she hadn't communicated her feelings about the issues she saw in the relationship.
Hearing this, I would have thought that I would have felt validated in my feelings, or relieved to know that all of this wasn't my fault. But I didn't feel any of that. Instead, I felt an emotion I wasn't prepared to feel. I was angry. Soon after, I excused myself to go home so that I could get things together for the next day and go to sleep. I didn't say anything about what I felt. But on the drive home, I just felt more and more angry, and I'm still angry today.
I'm angry that she moved out while I was overseas on business. I'm angry that after eight weeks away from her, during which I missed her so much, that I came home to an empty house and an "I don't love you anymore." I'm angry that she is giving up on our marriage/relationship without a fight, throwing away the last 9.5 years we were together. And mostly, I'm angry that she never gave us a chance. She kept all of her thoughts and feelings about what she thought was wrong with the relationship to herself. How was I supposed to know what I needed to work on, what we needed to work on together, if she didn't tell me? Instead, she let her bad feelings fester, and it killed our relationship and her love for me.
I really, really want to tell her this, but after reading DR and the 37 rules, I know that's probably not a good thing to do. After feeling sad and alone the past week and a half, I wasn't prepared to feel angry. I guess that it's something that will pass with time too.
We've pretty much concluded our discussions about the logistics of the divorce (minus the house and retirement accounts, which will come later and I don't know that I feel comfortable just talking it out between us) and she has completely moved out. I think at this point I just need some space. I need to be away from her for a while, to get my head straight and focus on me for a while. I need to get off my emotional roller coaster.
Sorry if my posts seem a bit rambly, I tend to just go stream of thought when I write. It's just kind of how it comes out, and writing my thoughts out has seemed to help me.
Don't blame you for feeling angry. You seem to have been blindsided by this.
Were there any tell-tale clues that she was this unhappy? Sometimes with space, you can look back and start to put the pieces of the puzzle together.
You did a good job of controlling yourself and staying calm during your talk with her. Keep reading over Sandi's 37 rules and memorize them, they will definately help.
Lastly, hang in there. This is going to be a tough road but you can do it. We all remember the feeling of the bomb and the first few weeks afterwards. Gut-wrenching is the only way to describe it. Chin up.
I think you will both be in a better place over the next few weeks. None of us LBS feel that our WAS ever let us know they were unhappy. However, odds are they were screaming it in the past but we just never heard it. They do not just up and leave for no reason. Reading DR and this forum will really help you come to grips with that. Once you start understanding your own role in your M failing will you be able to work on those issues as well as begin to let the anger subside with your W and understand how she got to where she is now.
Believe me I and every other LBS knows EXACTLY what you are feeling. We have all been there. The best advice I can give you is to listen to the people here who have already walked the path you are currently on. They will offer you wisdom and insight with the true intent of helping you reach your ultimate goal.
Best of luck to you.
Don't get me wrong, I fully admit that I likely had plenty to do with the marriage failing. I just wish that she had actually talked to me about her issues. I will be the first to admit that I am horrible at picking up on subtle hints and actions, which is not a good thing, I know.
My brother got married yesterday and I was the best man. That was pretty rough to get through, especially when they played in the groomsmen to the song that my W walked down the aisle to. But I put on my happy face and tried to have the best time I could.
I got some books to read to keep me busy and have been going out to hang out with friends. I am starting to work out again (first time since college really) and try to get myself in better shape. I've been wanting to do it for a while, but just never found the time.
I have a question that I would like an opinion on from some of those that have been through this. In the book and the 37 rules, it's says to stop saying "I love you" which I have done. But what about my wedding ring? I have continued to wear it because I am still wanting to be married, but does her seeing that have the same effect as saying "I love you?" Or what about photos of us, which I have kept out? I don't want to let go of these things yet as I still want things between us to work out, but I also don't want to negatively affect her when I see her or she stops by the house for something.
It's been asked many times. I asked myself the same thing when I started going out with new friends GAL.
Personally, I am standing by my M, and all that means, so I always wear my ring. I am M until I am not.
Wearing your ring is much different that saying "I love you." When you say that, there is the implied pressure of the returned "I love you, too." Your W isn't able to do that right now. The ring doesn't apply the same pressure.
There is really no telling what your ring means to your W. It may reassure her that you are there, or it may bother her that you are still there. And so, as you will hear many times here, you must not worry about what she thinks, or do anything to try to alter how she thinks, simply because you cannot.
If you want to wear your ring, wear it. If you don't, then don't. Just be sure that you are comfortable with whatever you are trying to say by wearing or not wearing it.
Hey Nova, there is no 2 equal sitches, the only thing in common is the pain.
My experience its pretty similar to yours and this is what I can tell you based on my life experience, work on yourself, on the things you dont like in your life and used all the time you have in being happy, accept her decission, no matter why she choosed that at the end all you have is that she choosed that. And you can only respect that decission and move on.
When you work on yourself your life will start to improve, I used to live in NY and this divorce of mine ended with me living in Hawaii, I have certain moments where I feel sad and lonely, but nothing compared to the first month.
There are reasons that moved you to feel the way you felt, what can you do now? Nothing, accept that those were experiences at that point, just look at something, she found the police as her happiness reason to keep going....
You are still searching for what in the proffesional side will make you happy.... Basically you still searching for something... God its doing for you what you could not do for yourself, its hard to accept it but you said you didnt like the relationship completelly, now its the time to get to know yourself better, to gain confidence, pursuit your dreams and goals, create new ones and the universe plan will reveal little by little....
Maybe there is a better relationship with her out there for you or maybe with a new person, but you cant freeze yourself waiting for that to be revealed, you have to live today and let her live her life.
Read this:
God's Will
God's will most often happens in spite of us, not because of us.
We may try to second guess what God has in mind for us, looking, searching, hypervigilant to seek God's will as though it were a buried treasure, hidden beyond our reach. If we find it, we win the prize. But if we're not careful, we miss out.
That's not how it works.
We may believe that we have to walk on eggshells, saying, thinking, and feeling the right thing, while forcing ourselves somehow to be in the right place at the right time to find God's will. But that's not true.
God's will for us is not hidden like a buried treasure. We do not have to control or force it. We do not have to walk on eggshells in order to have it happen.
It is right there inside and around us. It is happening, right now. Sometimes, it is quiet and uneventful and includes the daily disciplines of responsibility and learning to take care of ourselves. Sometimes, it is healing us when we're in circumstances that trigger old grieving and unfinished business.
Sometimes, it is grand.
We do have a part. We have responsibilities, including caring for ourselves. But we do not have to control God's will for us. We are being taken care of. We are protected. And the Power caring for and protecting us loves us very much.
If it is a quiet day, trust the stillness. If it is a day of action, trust the activity. If it is time to wait, trust the pause. If it is time to receive that which we have been waiting for, trust that it will happen clearly and with power, and receive the gift in joy.
Today, I will trust that God's will is happening, as it needs to in my life. I will not make myself anxious and upset by searching vigorously for God's will, taking unnecessary actions to control the course of my destiny or wondering if God's will has passed me by and I have missed it.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Hi Nova,
Its very common to go through many types of emotions. I shuffled through anger and depression for several months and couldn't stay on one. It sounds like you are already starting to focus on yourself and that's good.
Wearing the wedding ring is a personal feeling. I had no problem taking mine off because my parents never wore wedding rings even though they're married to this day. I also work in a lab and my ring constantly had to be taken off to wear gloves. Of course for you it may mean something completely different. Does it feel right when you have it off? Give yourself some time to process these feelings.
Nova today is day two of being separated and believe me if it wasn't for IC and for this board and the supportive people who have "coached" me through the last two months there is no way I would be holding it together ....with hope my M can be salvaged. As long as their is life there is hope. This pain is beyond death but you can emerge even better. Come here often and hard as it is don't share with friends and family, be really discerning or you will not be supported in winning the M.
Now I asked about wearing my ring a couple threads ago and I always wore mine. Wife stopped a few years ago cause they were too small for her.
Then when she dropped the bomb said "we are so beyond rings!" When I wanted her to wear it to fight for our M.
I choose to wear mine and will always wear mine. If I get married again my new W will have to accept I wear this to remind me I will always look after my first wife & kids and never do this to anyone again.
WAW said "why are you still WEARING it?" And a good answer I have her was
"Because it shows where my heart is at" and I just left it there.
Advice I got from my thread is whatever you do. DON'T keep taking it off and on again giving confusing signals. Just wear or don't
Haven't read much about your GAL's . Do something new for you each week. Better yourself for yourself and her. I now qigong(awesome stress reliever), ultimate frisbee, workout, go nightclubbing and see live pub bands with brand new and rekindled old friends. Become the man only a fool would leave. We are all rooting for you
Thanks for the input everyone. I am going to continue wearing my ring, because to me it still means a lot to me. I have worn it every day since we married, rarely taking it off. It just doesn't feel right (physically and emotionally) to take it off. It still represents the marriage that I still want.
I think I made a baby step last night in detaching and not persuing. W needed to pick up the old TV boxes that are in her name and wanted to stop by after work to pick them up. At the time I was at a bar with some friends watching the USA/Belgium World cup game. As much as I wanted to, I didn't run home to meet her so I could see and talk to her. I texted her back that I wouldn't be at the house but that she was more than welcome to go to the house and get the stuff (she still has a key since we own the house together). And that's what she did. Probably not a huge thing, but a step in the right direction I guess.
I've started working on GAL'ing. I've started working out again and trying to keep myself healthy, I've been hanging out with friends more, got some new books to read, and am going to try brewing my own beer, which is something I've always wanted to try. I am also a volunteer firefighter, so I've been spending a bunch of time at the station as well. Just trying to keep busy.
well after months of hearing that W wants a divorce I kind of went nuts and said to her " give me my rings back" and I gave her mine...I regreted it for a while but now I think if she doesn't want to be married to me then stop the b.s with wearing the ring...something she is still upset about, but its the road she choosed.
This weekend was kinda rough. As much as I tried, I couldn't get W out of my head, and I missed her a lot. I suppose it will get easier with time, but right now I'm finding it hard. When I'm doing something engaging, I'm ok. But as soon as I stop, she's right back in my head.
Went up to my parents for the 4th. Had a good time and ate a bunch of crabs. Sent W a quick "Happy 4th of July" text, and got a "Happy 4th :-)" in return. I left it at that. I'm trying to limit contact for right now. Spent the rest of the weekend doing some shopping and working on the outside of the house, doing mulch and planting flowers.
I decided to make an appointment with a counselor to try and help with dealing with all of this. I figure I need to get my head on straight and deal with some issues with myself before anything else. I need to get myself sorted out and on my way to becoming the 'man she'd be crazy to leave'. The earliest I could get in was next Wednesday, so until then I just have to keep myself occupied and focused on GAL'ing and keeping myself happy and healthy.
nova,
I understand what you are going through. I still wear my ring too. I've wondered more recently if I should take it off since it has been a year since we have been separated. But then I remind myself that that ring is a symbol to me; an outward symbol of an inward commitment. Originally, that commitment was to her, but now it also reminds me of a commitment to fight for our marriage. No matter how dark the days may get, let it be a beacon to guide you to safe harbors. Just my thoughts on it.
Hopefully the rest of the weekend passes quickly for you. It's tough when you are left to the silence of your own thoughts not to dwell on the situation and her. Hopefully a good hobby will help. I listen/watch something on Netflix while working on my CG projects.
Not too much going on the last few days. Work has been kinda draining, so that's not helping much, but I'm pushing through it.
We had a nasty storm come through today areas where the storm was worstn is near where my parents live. W texted me asking if everything was OK with them (it was, nothing bad enough to do any real damage). I thought it was really nice that she asked about them. Nothing to get excited about I know, but I appreciated it nonetheless. I told her everything was fine with them, thanked her for asking, and left it at that.
Been a while since I have posted here. Things have been kinda busy lately, which I think has helped keep me sane and moving forward. This past weekend I spent a lot of time at the fire house, went to a friend's party, and hung out with my brother. I actually just got voted on to my volunteer fire department's board of directors, so that is another thing that should help me with GAL'ing.
Even with my so much going on, I still find myself missing her an awful lot. I had thought that with time it would get easier, but so far it hasn't, and although it has only been one month, I sometimes find myself wondering if it will get easier. But I try to kick myself everytime I think that, and realize that one way or another I'll get through this. I see an IC for the first time tomorrow, so hopefully that will help as well.
As far as contact, I haven't seen my W for three weeks now. In that time, I haven't initiated any contact, except for a quick Happy 4th text. When she has contacted me, all for logistical things, I've tried to keep it short and light.
My MIL called me the other night. She'll be in town visiting W in late August, and wants to have dinner at my house with me while she's here. It will be good to see her. I am really glad that throughout all of this, my in-laws still want to be in contact with me. I really like them, and knowing that they didn't just break off from me when my W left makes me feel good.
Keep the head nova. I still miss my WAW like mad after 8 months but I know I could be doing better by GAL'ing and detaching more. That is the key without a doubt..
Saw an IC for the first time today. It was pretty rough going through everything again to fill her in on my sitch, but I made it through. She said that I made a huge step in just coming in to talk. She said that the first thing we are going to do is to just come to terms with what has happened, without dwelling on the "why?" of it all. Then we'll work on moving forward. She said that I have to come to terms with it all before I can do anything else, and I basically knew that, but I'm hoping that she can help me do that.
W was in the neighborhood this evening for a meeting (she is still on the HOA board until elections). She sent me a message asking if she could stop by to drop off some things of mine that she found, and I said sure. Each time she stops by, I get so excited to see her, especially this time, since it's the first time in three weeks I've seen her. But each time I feel like crap after. She acts as if nothing ever happened. Not the separation, not the marriage, she just acts like we are two people that happen to know one another. And I don't know why, but that bothers me so much. And then she leaves, and I feel lonely again. I think this will be the last time for a while that I say "OK" to her coming over.
I had the same thing happen and anger is natural.
Hang in there man. You dont know if she is putting on a front everytime she sees you or not. In your mind, she doesnt miss you at all and you are the only one having trouble with this. That isnt the case Im sure as many of us felt that way.
She could have used your stuff as an excuse to see you. Im not saying that is 100% the reason here, but you dont know. Thats all Im getting at. What she is doing is normal really. Just keep your DB attitude and methods going. Dont show her your emotion when she stops by. I also wouldnt discourage her from coming over or anything when you are there. You want to see her and this is a chance for you to show off some of your changes a bit.
She acts like that right now because her guard is up and she isnt going to give you any signs that she values you as a romantic partner right now. Take it from me though, it can turn around in the blink of an eye. It happened to me and Thornton. There is no real explanation as to why, but it happens. Keep at it and dont give up.
Thanks Ben. I need to remember to rule of believe none of what you hear and less than half of what you see. I've tried each time she's come over to act as "normal" as possible, just being myself and not showing my emotions. And I think you are right about not discouraging her from coming over. As much as it stings, I do want to see her, and I want her to see the work that I am doing on and for myself.
Nova,
Sorry that you find yourself here.
I read your story. Ouch. It sounds to me (and when I read a post like yours I usually jump and and point it out) like your wife is involved in an affair. The way that her emotions switched off for you and her speed to leave would make sense if you had been abusing her for the last many years, but you didn't. In fact, you were simply guilty of not having the best marriage skills- like most of us on here. You loved your wife, took care of each other, and made a few common mistakes. None of that is reason for her to leave.
However, if you wife has met someone else, that changes everything. Her feelings for that other person will become more important to her than your decade together. She will become addicted to that new relationship, no matter how it tears her life apart. Much of what your wife has said is script from other Wayward wives on here. expect that your wife will start to rewrite the history of your M, highliting all of the times that you hurt her. This is also what she will tell her family and friends as she does not what them to think that she was the bad guy when she suddenly introduces them to the new beau in her life.
Many of us here didn't think that our wives could cheat or lie- but many of them have or are. In fact, your W may not have thought that she was the type to cheat until she started to fall for someone close to her. Everyone is capable of it, no matter how upstanding they may be.
I could be wrong- I'm simply posting my thoughts here. Ultimately, you will have to be able to meet your wife's emotional needs to win her back, but that won't be easy if she lives elsewhere. If there's someone else in the picture, that A will have to die a natural death, most likely, before she will return to you.
-HS
Thanks for your thoughts Hopeful. I hope that is not what is going on, although you were the second person in as many days to tell me that. I guess all I can do either way is just try to be the best me that I can be.
My new living room furniture was delivered today, to replace the set that she took to her apartment. It's nice that there isn't a big gaping hole there now, helps to make the house not feel so empty. But at the same time, I look at it, and it's just so, different. Like it's not quite right. I'm sure that in time I'll get used to it. And the new couch is very comfy (great for naps).
W copied me on a letter she sent to the lawyer today, asking for him to draw up a legal separation document. She probably thought she was doing it out of courtesy, but it was really just a kick in the gut.
Has anyone here on the forum had an experience with this kind of document? Apparently once it's drawn up, I have to sign it to acknowledge when our year of separation started (which is required in MD before divorce). Is signing that giving my OK to divorce? Does that legally mean that I am OK with this? I guess I just don't understand it, and it kinda sent my head spinning today.
I have signed a few things so far. I would think signing this is just saying you got it, not agreeing to anything. Just be sure to read it all and call an attorney if you need. If you do not have one, the state bar association usually can point you in the right direction.
Today was our anniversary. I've been doing OK lately, but today, no matter what I did, no matter how busy I stayed or how distracted I kept myself, I felt awful. I feel as terrible as I did the day she left. Not even going out with friends tonight was enough. I feel like I have worked so hard to get my ship righted, and I just lost it all. I missed her so much today.
And then to make matters even worse, my mother posted a message to my wife on Facebook today that said "In case you forgot today makes 4 Years." I couldn't believe it. Even after telling her to stay out of this she does that. I got so mad at her and called her to tell her not to do that again, delete it if she can, and to stay out of this. All that is going to do is piss W off. So now, on top of everything else that has been going on, my mother and I are pissed at one another. And now I don't know what to do. Do I apologize to W for my mother? or do I just pretend I didn't see it?
"xDo I apologize to W for my mother? or do I just pretend I didn't see it?"
No you shouldn't apologize to your W, but you should apologize to your mother. She was only doing what she felt was right and you'd do the same for your kids. She's doing it because she loves both you and your W. If your W makes a big deal about it, tell her just that and end it.
I took your advice Mr. Bond. I know that mom meant well, and she understood that I was having a bad day and acted rashly. (BTW Mr. Bond, I like the variation on the Jedi code in your sig. And yeah, I'm kind of a nerd, lol).
W actually hasn't said anything about it. I'm pretty sure she hid it as soon as she could. I haven't been following W on Facebook so the only reason I knew about it was someone I know texted me with a "did you see what your mom wrote?"
I'm just going to chalk it up to a bad day, move past it, and get on with everything else.
Perfect!
You're going to have alot of your family and friends say and do things to try and "help" you along so just understand that they mean well.
way to go Nova. I'm impressed.
I went fishing today with some friends. We didn't catch a thing, but I had a great time. One of the guys I was with complained because we didn't catch anything, and I told him "that's why it's called fishing, not catching." I love fishing because of how peaceful it is, not for actually catching fish. I could fish for a month, not catch a thing, and be perfectly happy.
Fishing also gives me time to think. Today, of course, my thoughts drifted to my wife, and one of my thoughts interested me very much. My W and I never really fought. Neither of us really communicated our issues well. If something bothered me, 9 times out of 10 I just ate it, and then the tenth time I just got angry, walked away, and in 15 minutes I'd be fine. My W, if something pissed her off, she wouldn't get outwardly angry, she'd just sit on it for days, and then if she wanted to she'd talk about it after sitting on it. She always said she didn't want to discuss things while she was angry. We never really outwardly fought or got angry with one another. Maybe we should have. My outbursts weren't good, and I think that for her, after a while, just sitting on things, they just festered, and she began down this path. I never wanted to upset her, to make her mad, that was a definite problem from my end. Maybe we should have fought some.
Somehow I think that fighting with her would make a poor 180 though... haha
Maybe so, but reframing this as "negotiating conflict in a mature and healthy way" would make a GREAT 180. In the course of separation and divorce there will inevitably be conflict so you will have a chance to use your new skills if you make the effort to acquire them.
I came from a conflict-averse relationship too, and so whenever there was disagreement one or the other simply gave in. It looked like we didn't fight, but instead we lost respect for each other and were resentful and passive aggressive. I had to learn to be more brave and assertive about airing difficult topics, and I wish I had more skill in this area. Working on it with my IC.
Haven't been on here for a while, been real busy with work.
Adinva, thanks for providing some direction with how to take my thoughts. I think you pretty much hit the nail on the head with how my wife felt with our conflict aversion. Me, I recover really quick from things that bother me, whether that is a good thing or bad.
Not too much going on with my sitch otherwise. Haven't seen W in two weeks. Sent her an email yesterday because she got mail at the house, and I wanted to borrow the tent to go camping in two weeks. She responded, saying I could borrow the tent and that she'd drop it off and pick up the mail when she drops off the cats for me to watch next weekend. I ended my original email with "Hope you are doing well," just to be nice. She said that she is doing well and that August is going to be "very busy but it should all be fun." I know from the rules to not believe much of what I see or read, but in the back of my mind, that stung a bit. But I'll just need to counter that with having fun myself.
Speaking of mail, I did get something interesting in the mail today. It was a letter addressed to both of us from Poland, which is where her grandmother lives (W mom is from Poland originally). I didn't open it because I felt that since it was addressed to both of us, I should wait until she either tells me I can open it or she is at the house. But given the timing, and the fact that it was addressed to both of us, I can only assume that it is an anniversary card from her grandmother. If that's the case, I guess she hasn't told her yet about her leaving. It should make for an interesting interaction when we open it.
Well, my head is spinning today. I got offered a new position at work today. The work that I would be doing sounds really interesting, and the job could be a fast track to a managerial type position. But it's in a different state, about 2-3 hrs away from where I live right now. I'd either need to commute on a weekly basis (drive up on Monday, stay in an apartment through Friday and drive back - I don't know what I would do with my cat) or completely pick up and move, leaving my home, and all my attachments here. Not to mention that, even though I know I need live for myself now, I have no idea what effect it might have on the possibility of ever saving my marriage. With everything else that is going on, I was definitley not looking for another potentially life-altering event so soon.
Had my 10 year high school reunion today. It was good to see some people that I hadn't seen in a while. For the most part I had a good time, but I did hit a bit of a bump along the road. Someone asked if I was married, and to be honest, at first I had no idea what to say. The best I could come up with was "kind of." Luckily the person that asked could sense it was something I didn't really want to talk about it and let it drop.
After the reunion, went out to see a movie with a friend. Highly recommend Guardians of the Galaxy, great movie.
Head is still spinning regarding the new position at work. I really want to take it, but I am still stuck on not wanting to leave the house, neighborhood, and things here that I have grown attached to. And like I said before, I wonder how it would affect any chances I have of a reconciliation. Has anyone had experience with either themselves or the spouse moving away and how that impacted things? In the end, that aspect won't be the make or break aspect for me, but I wouldn't mind some insight.
Today was a trying day. First, I found out that I am going to New Jersey next week to talk to the manager of the office I might be transferring to about the job. So that sent my head spinning again about that. I still am having issues with deciding how to proceed with that. It's a great opportunity, but it feels like closing the door and running away after everything that has happened.
Then I had my IC appointment. I was looking forward to it because it helps to talk, and to have someone listen who doesn't have a dog in the fight, so to speak. But I left kinda down. During it, my IC said that to her, it seemed like based on how my W is behaving, and what has happened, that it's her opinion that it is an OM, and that my wife has made up her mind and I won't be able to change it. She seems more geared toward helping me move past everything than to work on accepting where I currently am and continue fighting. I just felt kind of defeated. I told her I don't plan on giving up until a judge tells me to, and maybe not even then.
Then W stopped by to drop off the two cats that she took with her. She's going away for the weekend to a reunion (that we had originally both planned to go to) and I am watching them. W was in and out in less than 5 minutes, per her normal when she comes to the house. Said she was sorry she had to run but she was late to grab a beer with a Lt of the fire department she joined. (The FD is a recent thing, she just joined a little bit before I left for Bangladesh. I think it is kind of a make-up for dropping out of the police academy, but she seems to be enjoying it). So she dropped off the cats, and was out the door before I could even let them out of their carriers.
It's good to have al of the cats around again. Although, when I look at them I think of her, which kinda [censored]. It's that weird crossroads of "I'm happy to have you back" and "you remind me too much of her."
I am so exhausted. I just want to sit W down and tell her how I feel. That what she did was the most disrespectful and hurtful thing that anyone has ever done to me. That I am pissed off and can't understand how she could just give up. That I want an explanation of why. That I still love her.
Well, for the time being I am just going to "just keep swimming." My family is coming down this weekend, so that should be fun.
Nova - if I can make a suggestion, it might be worth considering whether your IC's efforts to help you move on cold actually help to restore your relationship. Keep in mind that many of the ideas raised here that will help your relationship are based on the same kind of ideas as moving on - getting a life and detaching, especially. Perhaps if you allow your IC to work with you on some of these things it will actually wind up helping you in the long run.
I know this feels absolutely brutal right now, and you have a lot going on to deal with right now. I genuinely think one of the est things you can do for yourself is to take care of yourself as best you can, and one way to do that may be to work with your IC. You can always mention where you are and how you want to proceed, too, and focus on the things that will be most beneficial to you and to dealing with the relationship.
I think I get what you are saying Meghan. That makes sense. "Moving on" just seemed like slamming the door on everything. I never thought of it in the same context as detaching. I guess looking at it like walking through the door, but leaving it open behind you might be a better way of looking at it.
I think the thing to do is to move on with your own life and become a better person - the person your partner would be a fool to leave, as is often said around here.
That doesn't preclude working on the relationship or leaving the door open, like you've said, it just means you get yourself into a better place and start to detach from the relationship. This also means you're in a better place to be in a relationship if you manage to reconcile. You can work on your issues and improve yourself. And if you don't reconcile, then you're still in a better place to actually move on from the relationship, if that's what it comes down to.
Had kind of a roller coaster few days. Thursday I had a good evening hanging out with the neighbors. Then Friday I woke up feeling miserable physically. I don't know if I caught a bug or if all the stress I've been feeling lately finally caught up with me, but I felt rotten. Called out of work for the first time in forever. W went to Massachusetts this weekend for a reunion, and I was feeling kinda bummed about that since I was supposed to go too, and being stuck in the house feeling bad didn't help.
Felt better yesterday and went out to do some errands, the came back, did some cooking, and watched the Lego Movie. It was pretty much exactly what I needed to cheer me up from Friday.
Then my family came down today and we had a good time. I made homemade pulled pork bbq and potato salad. So all in all finishing the weekend on a good note. I just had to keep myself occupied and not think about the W and the reunion, and focus on having a good time.
Nova, this will probably seem like a pretty stupid question but why don't you just ask your wife how she feels about the job?
The worst thing she can say is "Take the job our marriage is over." If she does this you aren't any worse off than you are now.
But she might shrug and say, "I don't care. It's your life.
I think "Take the job our marriage is over" is an entirely different statement then "I don't care. It's your life."
Once sentence has a lot of power and conviction behind it. The other is pretty wishy-washy.
I don't know. What do the vets think?
Thanks for your thoughts Bob. Tbh, my W isn't what I'm hesitant about with the new position. She's already left, so I'm already Db'ing at a distance. Don't get me wrong, a part of me does wonder what effect an even farther distance might have, but that's not my biggest concern. For me it's pulling up stakes and leaving a home and neighborhood that I love, moving farther from my family, and if I'm emotionally ready for another big change right now. I'll have to talk to the wife about it eventually, because how it plays out will determine the timeline of dealing with the house, but right now, what my W thinks is taking a far back burner, because I have to decide if I am ok with this.
Understand your feelings completely.
Well, I just had a very interesting interaction with my W. I have been sitting two of our cats since last week while she was away at a family reunion this weekend. She came by to pick up the two cats today.
When she first got there we chatted a bit, about how the cats did over the weekend, work. I told W about my potential job opportunity and that due to that we would likely have to hold off discussions about what to do with the house until I made up my mind about whether to take this position and move. She seemed kinda surprised when I told her I was actually considering moving out of state, and said congrats on the offer of the new position.
Then we had to wrangle the cats and get them into their carriers. That's when the fun began. The cats HATE being put into cat carriers, especially the one. We got the easier one first and together got him into the carrier. Then we tried the second. W was holding the carrier and I was trying to get him in. As we were doing thing, he caught me on the palm with one of his claws and cut me open from my finger to my wrist. Finally got him in the carrier, and then I ran upstairs to get first aid supplies and W came up and helped me patch myself up. Luckily, it just took the top layer or so of skin, so I won't need stitches or anything. Once she had me all bandaged, she got the cats and left. Like I said, one of our more interesting interactions lately. And it was probably me hearing things, but I thought I heard her call me "babe" when my palm was cut open and bleeding. But I'm just going to chalk that up to either me hearing things, or her just picking back up on an old pet name in a time when the crap hit the fan, and not read into it.
I definitely know that I am not completely detached. It's great to see her, but every time she leaves, I feel terrible. She was wearing my favorite pair of her jeans today. I miss her a lot still. But I'm having more up days than down, and I can put on the "I'm ok" face a lot easier when she's here. But I'm not quite where I need to be yet, so I just need to keep working.
Yep. The good-looking jeans always ruins my detachment too. I think I need to steal and burn them.
Went camping with some friends over the weekend and had a really good time. No worries, no technology. Went fishing, made a really big fire, and shot a shotgun for the first time. I even hit 1 of 6 clay birds, which I like to think isn't bad for a first timer.
W stopped in to check on my cat at the house while I was gone. Other than sending her a quick thank you text for that, no contact since she came to pick up the cats last Wednesday.
The one thing that I am currently struggling with is an idea that keeps creeping into my head. I really want to tell W how I feel about the way she left me. Not how I felt about her leaving, she knows how I feel about that, but the way she left. I know that I cannot force her to love me again, that is a decision and feeling that she has to come to on her own if it is to happen. But the way that she left, after I had been out of the country for eight weeks, her moving out secretly the last week I was gone, me having to come home to a cab ride and an empty house, her not willing to meet me in our own home to tell me she was leaving, her agreeing to marriage counselling before and then completely rejecting it, that was the most hurtful and disrespectful thing that I feel has ever happened to me. And to make it worse, I came from the last person that I would have expected to make me feel hurt and disrespected. I wouldn't beg and plead for her to come back, I wouldn't get angry, I would just explain how I felt.
On one hand, I feel like it would help me to get that off my chest, and it would be the mother of all 180's for me to actually discuss feelings that deep and that openly with her. But at the same time I don't want to start a fight, I don't want to put her on the defensive. I keep going back and forth, and it is something that I just can't seem to put out of my mind.
Went to New Jersey today to talk to the guy about my possible transition at work. He made me feel a lot better about it, and there is a possibility that I wouldn't have to move, but rather do long distance commuting for 6-8 months to learn the ropes, and then apply the skills I learn at my home office for clients in this area.
Going to see the W tomorrow after work to drop off some mail and the tent that I borrowed for camping. First time going to her apartment since the first week after she left.
Wow, it's been a while since I have been on here. Between forum issues and my crazy schedule as of late, I guess I'm a little behind. Especially since it has been a very roller coaster two weeks.
I guess I'll begin where I left off in my last post. I went to W apartment to drop some things off two weeks ago on a Wednesday. All was going as per the usual with our interactions since BD, and then I totally buggered it. I was at the door, I had it open. All I had to do was to leave, and everything would have been ok. But I didn't. I closed the door, and I laid everything out there. I told her I thought the way she left me was disrespectful, I told her that it still irritated me that she hasn't given me a real reason for leaving, and that I felt like she just gave up on the relationship. I didn't yell or get angry, I didn't beg her to come back. I just told her what I felt. I was calm. Scary calm. A kind of calm I didn't know I had in me at the moment. When I finished, I felt a sense of relief having done that, but at the same time I felt mad at myself for ignoring what is taught here.
A few days later she messaged me that she would be canceling our cell phone plan this past Thursday. Very business like, very much the usual. But then later in the same day, she started messaging me again, talking about the cell phones she was thinking of getting and asking what I thought I might get. It doesn't seem like much, but it's really the first non-business interaction we've had in a while, just kind of a friendly chat about cell phones. I began to think maybe me laying everything out there made her think a bit, maybe drew her from behind her a wall for just enough. I knew not to put too much into it, but it was something.
Last weekend I got to check a box off the bucket list. I went to see the Orioles play at Wrigley field. I had a really good weekend, and I was in a really good place emotionally. Then things swung again.
My MIL was in town last week and wanted to have dinner with me. I am still pretty close with W parents and I was looking forward to seeing her. We talked about a bunch of things, including W and the divorce. MIL has no idea what is going on either, but we both agreed that we just need to let things play out and not push much. Or at least that is what I thought we decided on. As it turns out, MIL apparently went back and started talking to the W about everything and they got into a huge fight. The next day, W sends me an email accusing me of siccing her mother on her, and that she has tried to be civil about all of this and would appreciate the same. I really need family to stop trying to help me.
Every time I get to a place where I think I've made some progress, it seems like the bottom just drops out.
This whole process is full of one step forward two steps back issues.
I hit one today, myself.
It's part of it all. We just want as few of them as possible.
Your laying things out weeks ago is not something I cannot comment on because I did the same thing and while it was a setback for me, I learned a lot from it and have since changed my path. I'm not sure I'd be on the trajectory I am now without that so there's that for you to ponder.
I think it's great that you're in tight with MIL but you really have to make things clear about your game plan and how she's hindering it for you. She needs to steer completely clear and NOT step in. Have that talk with her and make it serious. I'm sure you know that though.
If you detach more (easier said than done) it doesn't feel like the bottom drops out of your progress. It just feels like a setback and then you get back up and move on.
Detach. More.
You're right Ss06, I do need to detach more. Every time I think I have, something comes up that makes me realize I'm not quite there yet. Just have to keep on pushing through. Had talk with MIL, and told her that anything that we talk about should just be between us. I think I should also be a little more cognizant about how much I share with family and friends, just so that I limit these type of situations.
I was watching an episode of House last night, which is one of my favorite shows, and there was an interesting line in the episode. "I'm fine, I'm just not happy." I think that is a pretty accurate statement of where I am right now. I'm ok, job is going well, I'm eating healthier and exercising, I'm GAL'ing. But I'm not happy, at least not the happy I was before. Most of the time I just feel neutral. Sure there are some things that have made me hapy over the past few months, and things that have made me really sad, but for the most part, I feel, blah. Like I'm just going through the motions. So that's my next goal to work toward, along with detaching. I'm fine, now I just need to get to happy.
Nothing really new to report. Haven't had any real contact with W other than her telling me that she was canceling our joint phone plan and she wanted to give me some advance notice. Went on my own cell phone plan over the weekend. Other than that, just keeping on.
I do have a question that I'd like to ask. W has been moved out for almost 3 months now, and during that time, I've had limited contact with her, and generally only when she initiates (texting about something, dropping belongings off, etc). At what point (if at all) should I start initiating some contact? Things like sending her a fun, lighthearted text, or seeing if she wants to grab a bite to eat for lunch on a weekend to catch up and just talk (not about R of course). I know that some here have done that, but I'm not sure on timing, or how much is too much too soon. Any thoughts?
Well, today is three months since BD. I haven't talked to W in a week, haven't seen her in 4. In some ways, it has gotten easier, but I still find myself missing her a lot. It's a process, I suppose, a little better each day. Just have to take baby steps and try not to fall on my face.
Nothing new really, just a bit of journaling I guess. I think later this week I might try sending a light, friendly text, see how that goes, and proceed from there.
Looks like my posts over the past few days have been lost in the aether. Luckily, I haven't had much to report. Things remain largely unchanged between W and I.
The one thing that is new is that this weekend, after about two weeks of zero contact, I sent her a message. It was a picture of our cat that I have doing something silly, and just said "She says hi!". W responded and we got to chatting a bit, and I said we should grab a bite to eat and catch up a bit. W agreed and this Friday we are grabbing dinner at a sandwich shop. I'm going into it strictly from the standpoint of catching up, getting some face time.
I figured after we decided to do dinner I probably wouldn't hear from her again until Friday. But yesterday morning she sent me a message with a link to video that she thought I would like (and she was right, it was pretty neat). It made me smile a bit that she thought of me, even if it was something completely random.
Dinner on Friday night went reasonably well. We ate and talked for about an hour an a half, just catching up and talking about whatever. No talk about the divorce or our relationship. It was really nice to see her. Then yesterday she send me a text while she is out shopping about something she found that she thought was amusing.
Which leads me to a few questions. How do I interpret all this? I can't tell if this is a baby step in the direction I want to go or this is her thinking we are just friends. How do I convey that I am OK (not mopey, living as if, etc) without her thinking that I am OK with the situation?