Hi, I'm new here. I'm about halfway thru DR book. I have been trying to implement the 37 rules. My story is - My husband took a job 2 years ago, that is 3 hours from home. He works mon- thurs, mon- fri alternating weeks. He comes either Thurs or Fri thru Min morning. I had a baby #3 on 2/20. Pregnancy was a bit of a suprise. Thought we were going with "if it happens, it happens". Husband was not happy when pregnancy was confirmed. I thought it was a bit of shock in how life was going to change since we were just getting out of infant/toddler stage with other 2 kids and life was getting easier. We both agreed it would all work out. Baby was born very sick and almost died. He spent his first 29 days in the Nicu. We finally brought him home end of March. Life has continued on husband still works out of town. Has more responsibilities with other kids since I am busy with newborn & he has some special medical needs.
Thought things were getting better. On Mothers Day, husband says he is having a hard time connecting with Baby #3. Because so much of his medical care - I do. Says he is really missing his kids. Having a hard time being away from us. I assure him things will be back to a new normal soon as its a shift in our family dynamics for everyone.
He complains that I haven't been keeping up with grocery shopping & meal planning and he has been doing own laundry. I let him know I'm doing my best & will try to get everything back to normal.
He continues to call every day, saying he loves me, misses us etc.
On may 23- before I big kids go to bed, he gets a shower, gets dressed and says he is going out. I was like "what?" He tells me ILYBNILWY, that he needs space, he is lonely, but he feels his life is now in city where he works and wants to go do his own thing for a while. I was completely shocked. He said he knows he should be happy that baby is doing so well - but he just doesn't feel it. Says he feels unloved, I don't initiate intimacy etc.
That weekend he went out fri, sat & sun night with friends.
Sunday night I went thru his phone (something I've never done) and discovered he downloaded a secret folder app that holds texts & calls.
I also see that he has several texts from a from a friend if his that just don't make sense. So I look at the contact info for the name & it's a different phone number. I do a cell reverse lookup & it is a girls number. In my investigating I have found out she is a bartender at a restaurant that he goes to frequently. The texts are taking place at all hours while he is home on weekend with us. The oldest was from the 5/16.
I asked him if there was someone else- he says he is not in a relationship with anyone, doesn't want to be in relationship with anyone including me. I ask him if in taking his space can he stay committed to our marriage? He says no. He tells me if he figured things out in 6 months & I'm here great. But if I'm not -I'm not. That would be his bad.
He tells me he is still going to come home on weekends to spend time with kids. Nothing is changing there except our relationship is over. I went to a marriage counselor that we saw 4 years ago after baby #2. Husband went in one time & had a phone session once.
Counselor says husband is prob having mid life crisis & I should fight for my marriage.
I have not confronted husband with information about other woman. I don't know how & feel I need more proof so he doesn't dismiss me & say she's a friend.
More background- we have no boundaries. He had always done whatever he wants to do. I've always let him do his own thing & hang out with friends whenever he wanted.
I am a stay at home mom. He has his own bank accounts that his check is direct deposited into. He gives me a weekly check from him for me to pay for household expenses- groceries, diapers, clothes for kids etc.
I'm concerned that if he does want divorce he could spend nearly everything he has in bank & leave me high & dry. I want to save my marriage, but dont want to be in a bad financial situation. We were in the process of building a second/vacation home closer to his job. Somewhere to spend some weekends & let kids ride atv's etc.
He told me he would continue to do everything the same for 6 months & once the other house is done, he will prob just stay there. I can't afford to keep this house.
He sent me a text on 5/29 saying that he wants to work things out eventually and that he does love me. I was cautious when he came home that weekend. On Saturday night if that weekend he went out & never came home until 11 am the next day. He said he stayed at his best friends house.
I'm having a hard time detaching with such young children. He wants to talk to them on the phone each day & them wants to talk to me about their day. I suggested i text him about their day, he said why cant you just tell me. But it's only on the days he feels like calling. He went on a fishing trip with some buddies 2 weeks ago and we didnt hear from him for 2 days. I have not initiated contact with him, I have been answering his questions about kids but not making chit chat. This week he calls & says I'm being short with him. I told him I'm a little confused and need to protect myself. My kids tried to call him the other night 4 times, I sent 2 text messages saying they wanted to say goodnight. I could see he was reading the text messages. He never responded. I asked him about it lady night when he got home & said kids were really missing him. He said he was at a concert & he couldn't talk.
I'm trying to be pleasant when I'm around him in person and have been leaving the house quite a bit to leave him at home with the older kids. Don't really want to be around him & it's quite exhausting to be "on" all the time. As I'm pretty exhausted having a newborn & taking care of other 2 kids all week by myself.
He is continuing to text OW each weekend while he is here.
My questions-
How do I GAL with a newborn with some special medical needs?
Do I ask or confront about OW? The issues with our marriage are now bigger than what he initially presented.
How to set some boundaries with someone who has never had any?
How to limit contact but encourage communication with older kids who literally count down the days each week until he comes home?
How to detach with 3 small children?
I feel like he is rolling over all of us right now. He does whatever he wants including talking to kids when he feels like it.
Sorry this is long. Advice is needed! Please.
Welcome to the board
Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Hi, Sam3, I'm sorry you're here. I hope we can help. I find some similarities between your situation and mine so I'll share my thoughts and hopefully something will help.
1. See a lawyer ASAP. You must protect yourself and the kids, regardless of how your H takes it. I know money is a concern because of the way your finances work. Others on this forum have given advice on how to get legal help when finances are a problem -- hopefully they'll weigh in here to clarify.
2. Boundaries: yes, he needs some. This is where I see the biggest similarity between you and me. I am also a SAHM. My whole focus in life has been my family and supporting H in his career and what I thought was his personal happiness. If you would rather text him kid updates, then insist that's how you do things. (My H would have said exactly the same thing, why can't you just do what *I* want rather than what *you* want?). It will take you some time to sort out where you want your boundaries to be, so listen to your gut. If something feels wrong, consider it. He's laying down new conditions on you, there's no reason you can't evolve the situation similarly. Make sure your needs are met.
3. GAL: what is your support network like? You are in a much tougher position than most, but even so hopefully you have some options. First off, reach out to your friends and family and let them know what's going on. I have been amazed and humbled at how much people want to help at times like these. Now is NOT the time to tough it out alone.
4. Kids. I'm sorry, but try as you might you won't be able to shield your kids from your H's choices. The best you can do is assure them that you both love them very much, and for you to continue to do the best you can for them. I know in my sitch (kids older than yours) when my kids get too upset I text their dad and remind him that they need him. When necessary, I've described to him what behaviors I see that indicate he urgently needs to reach out to them. Even a text with a picture of him waving helps. This is an area where you're just going to have to work with what you've got. I'm so sorry.
I'm going to let someone else speak to your suspicions about OW as that part of your sitch is very different from mine.
You're doing very well. I wasted 7-8 months crying, begging, yelling, just like you're not supposed to do. You seem to be handling yourself with a lot more dignity. Keep posting and I wish you all the best.
Yes it is hard to get out and GAL. I would suggest that he takes the kids at least every other weekend so you can go do something! My kids are older but I feel into that pattern years ago when they were little and I was a sahm, it never changed! I was and still am responsible for the kids, house, meals etc. Even though we both work 40 hours.
He is the dad he can care for them, or figure it out. If it's too much at least start with a Friday night.
Also try to find some mommy and me play groups. Or single parent groups.
You have to take care of yourself!!!!
Thanks for the responses. I did consult a couple of lawyers, just so I know what he can & can't do financially because I am dependent on him.
So, I confronted him on Sunday night about OW. He says they are just hanging out & just friends. Because he is still coming home every weekend & we are living in the same house, I told him he was not going to be communicating with her while staying here. I told him it was disrespectful to me, our children & our family home. That is my boundary. They were texting back & forth 10-15 times a day. And the context of the texts indicate more than friends.
But, my boundary is no communicating with ow while staying in my house. If he is just here to spend time with kids then they can take a break or he can see the children somewhere else.
I told him because its all too easy to delete texts - I am expecting access to the phone call/ text logs. If he's communicating with her while in our home.
I am filing formal child visitation forms until a temporary order goes with the divorce filing.
I "think" he takes me seriously. Because I am. I have watched him text & call her every weekend for a month. But, I was scared to confront him. The situation is toxic to me.
He told me he called Ow on Monday & told her he would not be communicating with her anymore. I did not ask him to do this. I actually told him he could do what he wants that I have no control over him.
He tells me he would like for us to try to work out our issues very slowly.
I'm not sure if I'm ready to tell him that is what I want or if he's trying to play it cool and lay low with OW for a few weeks.
We have both been seeing a marriage counselor, I have been 4 times. He has been twice. We are going tomorrow together for the first time.
Been doing pretty good with my 180's. As a stay at home home with very small kids its easy to be in a "rut".
Going to a friends in home skin care party next week. That's my start of GAL.
An update-
Thursday afternoon H texts me that he would like me to bring kids down to where he works during the week & stay with him at condo. Asks me if I would like to come to. He says he wants to see kids & work on things with me slowly.
I tell him the kids would love to spend some time with him & I can even stay at a hotel.
We go to a 2 hour MC session on Friday. Where he admits that he took OW on his "fishing trip" with buddies a few weeks ago. He says she stayed in his room, slept in his bed but they did not have sex. He says they kissed. I don't believe that. I told him that I was no longer "scared" of what he would do, if I did xyz. So he says "okay, if you want a divorce than lets do it."
Because he had OW listed in his phone under a guys name. MC asks if there are other women under different names in his phone- he says yes. That is hanging out with several women. He does not want a relationship with any of them.
He stated again that he wishes I would let him go.
I'm totally disgusted. Because we both said in MC that we feel like we can't be ourselves around each other. MC suggested we try to be ourselves.
I was very pleasant over the weekend. Because previous weekend I was a super b*tch. Because I could not stand the texting constantly in front if my face.
We went to lunch to lunch as a family on Sunday afternoon.
Sunday evening I asked him if he decided if he wanted me to bring the kids down. He said "no, I think I will just do a vacation with them by myself." He said he was fine with putting some "feelers" out to reach out to me until we went to counseling and he felt attacked.
I felt like I had to have another relationship talk with him before he left for the week. So I told him again, (told him same thing 2 weeks prior)
That he was free to leave. I told him i have no control over him, but I do expect him to respect my boundaries about contacting OW from our family home.
He did not have to come home on the weekends. We would all be fine.
He told me I could have the kids for 4th July.
I went on to tell him, that it might be best if he did not come home. I am not so sure about my feelings for him. I told him that I understood we had problems in marriage prior. But starting relationships with other people only adds to the marital problems. (Our marital problems being, that he feels like I got pregnant with baby #3 on purpose, that I don't show him enough affection, and I just didnt know how good I had it)
I did say I deserve a husband that would tell me we had marriage problems. He said he tried by asking me why I don't ever hold his hand etc.
It's very important to him that we remain friends and on friendly terms. I told him Im not sure i can ever be friends with someone who put no effort in to saving our marriage.
He says that nothing is changing in his life. He's going to do his own thing during the week at work and still come home on weekends to see kids. I feel like I can't really kick him out as Im a stay at home mom & he pays all the bills and gives me a weekly allowance. But if I'm still here taking care of kids on weekends, he's here to do fun stuff with them. Nothing is changing.
I know it's easier to DB in the same house but I feel like he needs to see we aren't all sitting here waiting for him to come home. And then hang out & chit chat like normal. He sleeps in spare room since we brought Baby #3 home from hospital.
He said he still was not sure if things were over with us. I feel like he wants to do what he wants for however long & then maybe or maybe not decide to be my husband again.
Do I leave our house on the weekends & leave him with all the kid responsibilities- dinner, baths etc.? because right now I'm still doing everything.
I feel like he is "cake eating" big time.
He insists on talking to me at night after he talks to kids, because they are so little he doesn't understand what they are trying to tell him over the phone.
I try to answer his questions nicely, not engage in additional questions & keep it short.
What's the right thing to do? Again, he's living 2 lives and I'm still taking care if kids so nothing is really changing for him.
It's very important to him that we remain friends and on friendly terms. I told him Im not sure i can ever be friends with someone who put no effort in to saving our marriage.
He says that nothing is changing in his life. He's going to do his own thing during the week at work and still come home on weekends to see kids. I feel like I can't really kick him out as Im a stay at home mom & he pays all the bills and gives me a weekly allowance. But if I'm still here taking care of kids on weekends, he's here to do fun stuff with them. Nothing is changing.
I know it's easier to DB in the same house but I feel like he needs to see we aren't all sitting here waiting for him to come home. And then hang out & chit chat like normal. He sleeps in spare room since we brought Baby #3 home from hospital.
He said he still was not sure if things were over with us. I feel like he wants to do what he wants for however long & then maybe or maybe not decide to be my husband again.
Do I leave our house on the weekends & leave him with all the kid responsibilities- dinner, baths etc.? because right now I'm still doing everything.
I feel like he is "cake eating" big time.
I gave my wife pretty much the same "friends" talk (see my post earlier today on Corbean's thread on the Infidelity forum), so I'm with you there, Sam.
I do also agree with you that you should NOT be there all weekend with them. If your husband wants to basically "fire" you as his wife, and quit his family (or at other times, waffle about his commitment to you guys) then there's no time like the present for him to put on his BBPs (Big-Boy Pants) and start living the life of a single father, and all that entails.
Just my opinion, and I haven't read all of your backstory yet.
Starsky
So I blew my DB last night. I looked at his bank account & saw he bought a new cell phone. He also set up a new email account. Obviously so he can show me that things are over with OW. I was so mad. The lengths that he is going to, to be able to be in communication with this person is unreal.
And as usual he can't commit to what day he will be home. I was trying to make plans for myself. Because of my situation being completely financially dependent on him, I feel like I need to know what's going on with him. I need to protect my kids. I have spoken to several attorneys over the phone so I know what needs to happen. But Im scared to pull the trigger on the filing.
So I called him & told him he would need to sign the family parenting plan papers & we need to get them notorized. I told him the kids need consistency. I also said a few other things about how we didnt matter to him anymore. He said I was going to regret this one day. I did not tell him I knew about other phone.
Below are our text exchanges after the phone call,
H: You pissed me off! You keep thinking my
Family up there is not important. Your wrong!!! Im so mad.
M:
I know that you care about the kids. But your decisions are breaking up our family.
For the rest of their lives these kids will be from a broken home.
I want you to commit to what days you will be here for them. Like thurs nights - Sunday night. Friday nights when you have meeting.
If we can agree that you want to be here every weekend that's fine. But I want to do things with them on the weekends too. Like church on sundays. Birthday parties, etc. Or if you want every other weekend. And we can split holidays.
I'm not trying to take them away from you. I want them to have a great relationship with you. They need you to be a big part of their lives. There's nothing I could have wanted more for them to come from a stable home.
So for now, The more stability we can provide the better they will be.
We need to agree to something.
H: Didn't really sleep much last night knowing that I need to sign papers that are going to change my kids life. That's ok. I just know, what you are saying about me having a double life is so untrue. I can't go on in life either -- you thinking I have all this extra fun, friends, and all above. Whatever you think I'm doing has not change my life in (our town) internally! Just so you know, I am going on my second week of spiritually connecting my concerns of my life with god. I also have been working really hard on flushing my brain to a clear standard. In doing this, I have realized that I still love you and will remain loving you no matter what. My feelings are hurt too. So all in all, if you are ready to explain to the kids what's going to happen, I'm ready if you are..... It's not what I want. From here on out -- I'm not doing or asking you for anything. This is it.
M:
First I want to apologize for arguing with you last night. I'm working very hard on doing & saying the right thing.
I do not want to hurt you. I am not trying to control you. I'm sorry you feel the way you do. Please understand, This is so we can have a plan for our kids. So they can know when you will be home & when you will be calling them.
I am very glad you are trying to connect to God. And I hope you will continue to reach out to godly men.
All I am saying is I need open and honest communication from you.
Right now I am hurting, I do not trust what you tell me and I cannot live in a world of lies.
I am doing what I believe is best for our children and I am not trying to hurt you. This is going to be hard for both of us and is going to cost both of us more than we want.
We don't need to tell our kids anything more than they can understand right now, "daddy has to work more, etc" I want this transition to be smooth for them.
We can do this as a trial for now & see how it's working for all of us.
Please let me know when
you will be home.
H:Just thinking about what you are saying. The fact of the lies stuff. This isn't all my doings. I recall 2 major issues I have put up with for a long time and a short time. I can say that I have been commited to my marriage everyday until recently. Because I'm not happy I am a liar? Again, for the hundredth time!!!! I'm not in a relationship with anybody!!!! I'm not going to discuss anymore. We are only to talk about our children. I'm done.
Up until this point, I have been very nice & pleasant. He has been for most part. But is always unavailable during the week. I feel like he's cake eating & living a double life mon-fri. Our weekend was fine, we actually went to lunch as a family. When I know he lied to me about ending things & then bought another cell phone on Monday. I feel like a 180 for me is to take control of something. I'm a pretty passive person. My husband is a total controlling narcissistic personality. And a really great liar.
We have a 5 yo, 4 yo, & 3 month old baby.
I had been trying to be dark. But accepted some invitations to spend time as a family.
Did I totally screw up? What do I do now?
Stop talking about your R with him. You are making it worse by doing so. I understand that you feel like he is abandoning you, but it seems when you say stuff about it, you are only making him angry and defensive. You dont want to be walked on, I get that. I dont either.
You have a few things here working for you too though that you might not realize.
1. He cares enough to try to "lie" to you about the OW. You still dont know if he is done with her or not. You just think you know.
2."It's not what I want"- thats a direct quote from him. It doesnt sound like this is a permanent decision from him at all. Youre going to push it to be permanent though.
3." In doing this, I have realized that I still love you and will remain loving you no matter what. My feelings are hurt too"-another direct quote from him. Give him some space to figure this out. It isnt going to happen overnight.
You didnt screw it up, but you need to stop pushing him now. The more you push him, the more he is going to go the other way. Talk to him in a civil tone about anything other than your R unless he brings that up.
And what are these 2 issues that he remembers dealing with?
Thanks Ben!
I'm really not sure what the 2 issues are. I'm assuming from previous relationship talks that he needs more affection. And the other is a guess but he says he was not prepared to have baby #3. He says he felt like he should have had more of a say. But baby #3 was a suprise. He knew I wasn't on bc. I was assuming we were both kind of ambivalent about it. "If it happens, it happens" We definitely have communication issues.
He's also said in conversations that "he feels its almost like he needs to teach me a lesson." And I just didnt know how good I had it.
Should I still try to sign these papers so we have some consistency?
Because right now it's very much - he will be here unless something better is going on. I can't make plans for myself to GAL. Because of the kid issues. He always waits until last minute to say when he will be here.
By the way- he works 3 hours away during the week living a bachelor lifestyle all week. He will not quit his job. And doesn't want our family to be down there either. I'm not sure if he will just decide to be dad & husband full time one day.
He's also said in conversations that "he feels its almost like he needs to teach me a lesson." And I just didnt know how good I had it.
Thats very childish, but to me it would say that he isnt done, maybe thinks that he is opening your eyes to something.
Should I still try to sign these papers so we have some consistency?
If you think that you need to have it in writing to make sure that he sees the kids then yes. I guess the flipside of that is that he will get to realize what it will be like if you are D. Not sure thats the right way to go with it if that is the motive though.
How sure are you of this OW situation? He seems to be sticking to her not existing. Most of the WAS on here dont bother lying about it because they dont care anymore. Is it possible that he got another cell phone for a different reason? Not sure what that reason would be but Im just asking. I know that in these situations alot of us ASSUME things that we think of. For example: I thought that my W was hiding something from me because she had soem videos that she had taken at a party at her sister's house of some guys. She uploaded them to her email and they werent on her phone anymore. When she realized that I had access to her email she quickly deleted them. So of course I got pretty upset thinking that she was seeing one of those guys and thats why she had the videos and wanted to keep them. It eventually came up in conversation. I asked her about them and why she deleted them. She laughed and told me that it was because they were drinking in the videos and her parents are super Christian. Her sister thought that I would show her parents the videos to get back at her and asked her to delete them. She told me that she would never be attracted to any of those guys which I believe because 1) she doesnt lie to me 2) she likes older guys and they were much younger. So Im just making sure that this isnt one of those situations for you that you might be "making" yourself believe that it is something that it isnt.
OW definitely exists. In my previous posts I saw the text messages between them. Then he said she was a friend & they were hanging out & she was someone he could talk to. During MC on Friday he admitted he took her on vacation with him 2 weeks ago to the Fl Keys and she stayed in his room and his bed and they only kissed.
Sorry to hear that. Im sure that hurts. The good news is that most A's fizzle out within 6 months. I personally wouldnt want someone after that, but I can understand how someone else would. And who knows, maybe if it happens to me, I will change my mind. He is clearly lying about only kissing her. Im sorry but Im sure you feel the same way. I would never spend 2 weeks with someone in my bed and then only kiss her. But he is telling you now that he is done with her right?
Sorry - I edited post, it was 2 weeks ago. He was away for 2 nights. Yes, I know he is lying about the kissing only.
He keeps insisting he is not in a "relationship" with anyone. Clearly we all have different definitions of relationship. His is - if he is not telling someone he loves them & committed to them, then they are just "hanging out."
Are you willing to accept him back if that proves to be true? Im just wondering. If so then it might be a good thing for you that he doesnt consider that a relationship. Maybe he doesnt really care about her at all. I know that I have done that a time or 2. I didnt go into it being a a$$hole or anything, it just turned out that I really didnt end up caring about them when I got into it further. I think your sitch has plenty of hope if you are willing to do the work that it will require.
I'm very torn. I want to believe that he's telling truth. (But believe none of what they say) I gave him the opportunity to tell me for 3 weeks in a row. That I saw the texts coming in, before I told him I knew about her. Then he told me that he told her last week that he was ending their "friendship."
Because, I told him that I had personal boundaries and texting her 15 times a day from our family home was disrespectful. I told him to do what he wants down there, that I have no control over him. But, not in front of our children & me. I told him I wanted proof by checking phone bill that he wasn't doing it in the weekends he is here.
He said he felt like I was pressuring him to work things in marriage out. Or else i was going to restrict when he could see the kids. I told him "No. But you aren't going to be texting this woman while sitting on our couch."
But, then to see he goes and buys another cell phone. It's crazy the effort he is going thru to keep this going. Seems like there is more there than just a friend he talks to.
Oh, he also locks his phone & iPad in his car at night along with his keys. And uses the door code to open the car. Which he knows I don't know code.
I'm torn because I have 3 very young children and I feel like how I react or don't react effects the outcome of their lives also.
Sam -
It's all very confusing, isn't it? I never, ever thought my H would have an affair. I also never, ever thought that I would stay with someone who did have an affair. But my H did (or is having one) and here I am. Having kids, having history with one another...it all becomes terribly, terribly complex.
And, at least in my case, I do actually love this man. I'm angry and hurt and sad....but I love him. I'm sitting back watching this craziness unfold, knowing that it's making him unhappy (he's even said so...he tries to explain that this is not fun and that it makes him feel badly, but she also makes him feel great about himself.) When I read articles about men in MLC and how the younger chippy makes him feel alive and immortal and sexy and strong, I think, "Yep - that's my H. That's exactly what this woman is doing to him. I can see that would be addictive and feel great. I wish he didn't need it outside of our relationship, and I wish he had given this woman boundaries long before she got close enough to show him that she would make him feel that way...but wishing doesn't do a darned thing about where we actually are..."
Phew..,it's all a mess. I'm sorry that you're in it, too.
Sam, I actually think that you handled the conversation extremely well. You made your points, you did so without accusation or anything more than an authentic amount of righteous anger, and -- as others have noted -- with that all being said, now you should DROP IT.
If he flat out lies to your face, you should certainly put your hand up and say "Please stop it -- we both know you're lying to me right now," and make that a personal boundary, but there's no reason now to keep having this same conversation with him now that you've spoken your peace.
Well done.
Starsky
Thanks MLP. And I saw some similarities with my story and yours.
If anyone else feels like I might push him into making this a permanent decision; he has been coming home every weekend. But since I told him he was free to leave & it might be best for a while, he said I could have kids July 4 weekend that he would not come home. And we could start only coming home every other weekend.
Is this forcing him into making a permanent decision? I feel like we need some space. I need to detach more without playing family every weekend like normal while he is with someone else during the week.
I was thinking tough love is a better option in my stitch because my husband has never had any boundaries. Thoughts???
The one thing about affairs is you have to let them play out. You can not do anything to stop your H. They are addictive in nature and like a drug addict needing his fix, you standing in the way is going to make him angry with you. It is terribly unfair to you, but that is how it is. The sooner the affair fizzles out the sooner he will wake up and realize what he has done. The 'honeymoon' period cannot last forever.
Keep 180'ing
I want you to 180 like the 180 is your child and you are helping that child grow.
STOP engaging him. I want you to forget about that phone and email.
I drove myself crazy for years with my husband's phone/email crap and robbed myself of joy. And I was a piece of crap, half-way mother as a result!
You need to work on you.
Volunteer, go to church, rock a dress! Put on makeup Every Day.
You will start to feel better once you start to focus on you and respect how Awesome You Are! You rock! You deserve happiness and giddy laughter and fun!
I want you to do something right away:
Go take a wonderful shower, do your hair, shave those wonderful legs and rock some makeup. Don't use your kiddos routine as an excuse. My son is autistic and a self-injurious one at that.
But I make time. Even if he has to sit outside the bathroom door while I get ready.
I bet you are amazing! Treat yourself like you are!
The one thing about affairs is you have to let them play out. You can not do anything to stop your H. They are addictive in nature and like a drug addict needing his fix, you standing in the way is going to make him angry with you. It is terribly unfair to you, but that is how it is. The sooner the affair fizzles out the sooner he will wake up and realize what he has done. The 'honeymoon' period cannot last forever.
And like all addictions, they tend to ESCALATE before crashing and burning. A lot of damage can be done as they do, which is why it's best to enforce healthy boundaries.
Starsky
Thanks Everyone for the responses.
We talked Thursday night about what we were going to sign, I told him that I would agree to signing a calendar so we have some consistency and I can do things with the children on the weekends too.
He said he thought we should go ahead & file for divorce and streamline the visitation and divorce together. He said we can always " pull the plug on the divorce later, if we did not want that." He said "this isnt going back together with us like I thought it would." Not trying to mind read here but I think it's because I have always been so passive and he's basically done whatever he wants.
I told him I really did not want to do that right now. He said we could get an attorney together & I could make a list of what I wanted. I explained that people generally don't use the same attorney, but that I did not want to talk about that right now.
I have a 3 month old baby with some serious medical issues. I asked him stability for all of our children is best right now. And especially baby so he can get more medically stable.
I feel like I got drug into another relationship talk with this. I told him he initially said 4 or 5 weeks ago that he would keep things the same for 6 months bills wise. So I told him take your 6 months. That I really need to focus on baby medical issues and get him to a better place physically. I will be taking baby to another specialist in the next 4-6 weeks.
I did ask what his two issues are- 1. He felt like he should have had more of a say in deciding if & when we had baby #3.
2. That after we went to marriage counseling 4 years ago after baby #2 was born that not much has changed. We went to marriage counseling for about 3 months.
He said he recognizes that at that time his drinking was out of control and he was verbally abusive. Which is all true. He said he had made those changes and still does not see a big difference in who I am.
He also said that he was not going to live the rest of his life with me thinking he is a liar, and having this brought up forever. (See previous post where I posted our text messages)
I tried to validate his feelings and that he had made changes in the past few years. He says he feels like things have changed so much since we had kids. That our sex life isn't spontaneous anymore. He says I'm not the same as I was 5 years ago.
Friday night we printed out a calendar and he will come back to our home Fri night - Sun nights every other weekend. I was a little upset when we signed the calendar. And he says to me "this is what you wanted, this is what you are going to get."
From bomb drop until now he has still been coming home every weekend. Being distant but not rude. Sleeping in guest room.
Because I know the situation with OW, I really felt like he was cake eating. I was still doing dinners, baths, kids ready for bed etc.
I feel like I may have made the decision to do every other weekend based on emotions. But I feel like I needed it for my own sanity & to help me detach. I really hate it for my kids.
I can't play family with someone every weekend in front of my kids when he is living another life.
So this past weekend was his weekend with kids.
I went away to the beach for the weekend with the baby. Before I left, I told him I wasn't sure this was the right way to handle things. (I was a bit emotional about leaving my kiddos.) He responded that he didnt feel there was a right or wrong way to handle divorce.
Last Sunday he told me he wasn't sure things were over with us.
I'm so confused. I know that he knows I will wait for him.
I know that DB is about me. And I am really working hard on digging into some issues in the marriage and things I can 180.
Over the weekend I realized that I have been a bit cold & probably bitchy to him.
I became resentful of what I was sacrificing and what he was doing. He is out to dinner every night. Always at concerts, fishing trips etc.
And then other previous events that let doubts about honesty creep in.
I have stayed home to raise our children, 3 hours away.
My emotional needs were not being met. We have major communication issues and I feel very controlled by money.
Backstory on money is my husband makes very good money, he pays all the bills, he has his own bank accounts that I don't even have access to see.
He writes me a weekly allowance check which I deposit into our joint account for groceries, target, kids clothes & my cell phone bill. He has me budgeted down to the dollar. I never worried about it because I trusted him and we always had money. Now I'm not sure I trust anything about him. I started looking into finances and last week alone he spent $500 on a cell phone, $600 concert tickets, $150+ dinner two nights, and various miscellaneous purchases. And this isn't on a credit card this is coming out of his
Checking account. His dinner for one night is what he gives me for groceries for me & 3 kids for the week & him to eat when he is here on weekends.
I've always known he was quite selfish about money & he definitely views everything as his. I worked and had a career up until we had our first child when we decided I should stay home with our children. That was 6 years ago.
I also finally spoke to one of his good friends wives. They got divorced last year over some stuff that happened with her husband & my husband. I don't know all the details. I know they were at a strip club & her husband basically hired one of the girls for prostitution. My husband says he had nothing to do with that and he was just at the strip club. This happened in the town where my husband works all week. This was not acceptable to me at all. But I believed his story of "we got drunk & just decided to go." I see now that I have been doing rug sweeping of his behavior. Well in talking to friends ex wife, she tells me today that she wanted me to know that she did not know how involved my husband was in the prostitute thing but she does know of another friend of hers who said when her husband and my husband were out one night- that my husband was "blowing her phone up."
I'm not sure I want to be married to a serial cheater. Although my husband has always been flirtatious; I know him well enough to know that women don't really mean much to him. I have known him since he was 21. He has no prob getting rid of girlfriends.
All in all, I guess I'm trying to put a puzzle together to find out if some of these things are deal breakers for me & if I should DB to improve myself and save my marriage or walk away with my head held high.
I do have joy in my heart and my life. My circumstances right now don't make me happy. I have a new baby that I'm so thankful that he lived. And our other 2 kids are so fun. I think I'm planning on doing a bar-b-q at my house for july 4. Have a few things planned with other mom friends. I'm okay with him being away because he has worked out of town for 2 years, so in a lot if ways I feel like I do have my own life too. Although I'm not seeing other men.
I can do the work to resolve my issues in the marriage but I'm not sure if I would ever feel like an equal partner to him and if I would ever know the truth surrounding these events.
I know I need to focus on myself and forget what he is doing. But for my financial well being and my three children. I can't just not focus on what he is doing and just say that I want to stay married no matter what. He took our boat down to his work town this week to use for the 4th July. I know I will prob never see the boat again.
I don't trust him right now that he would not keep paying the car payment, car insurance & giving me money to live on. He has threatened saying "what if I just stop paying the bills?" I don't think he would do this, but
I would have never believed 2 months ago that he would having a woman stay in his room with him while on a "fishing" trip.
I have spoke to a couple of attorneys so I do know what my rights are.
He is building a second/vacation home right now, it will be complete in 2 months. And I know that he plans on paying off a large business loan when the house is complete. Right now that is considered marital debt.
I also think its of importance to note, that he very strongly feels that once he told me he wanted a break that he was free to do whatever he wants.
Trying to be dark with him but I have to have some minor communication with him because of our children's ages. And the fact that I am responsible for everything at our home- which is on 1 acre with a pool to take care of also.
I believe that not seeing him for 2 weeks will help me detach.
Any advice on anything I'm doing right or doing wrong?
Any help is appreciated. Thanks so much!
Does anyone have any financial advice on things I need to do to protect myself?
Since my last post I can see that my husband opened a new bank account at a different bank with nearly $75k in it!
For those unfamiliar with my stitch - I'm a stay at home mom. He controls all the money. I get a weekly allowance. I have a little bit of money stashed from before I was married, that could help with a portion of retainer. But I'm really afraid I will need that money if he files & I have to wait to get temp child support.
I was changing my iTunes account today to my own email that he doesn't have access to. And I saw where he has all the secret folder apps, Internet browsing privacy apps, hidden photo apps. Etc.
It all makes me so angry. I know detach. But it's just so frustrating to see apps on the iTunes account that helped him hide his Ow.
Here's a backstory his grandmother & my grandmothers sister live in the same old people apartment place.
My grandma had already called me today to tell me the two 80 yr old ladies got into in argument about us.
His grandma was bragging about that he brought our 2 older kids over on Sunday to see her. And that husband comes home every weekend & I just take off with The baby. And that i never was very friendly. He hasn't been happy for years.
My great aunt tells her "well sam is quiet but she's a very good mother. And maybe husband ran off with some other
woman." (I'm not sure if she really knows or is just assuming)
So his grandma called him today.
He asks to speak to me tonight after the kids talked to him & he's mad.
He tells me "I don't know what your telling your family but my kids are the most important thing to me & I don't need them hearing this story. I didnt run off with some other woman. I have told you I'm not in a relationship. He says i told my grandma one day the truth will come out. Your freaking grandma thinks I'm having an affair. You need to patch things up with them."
Seriously? I need to patch things up?
Why is that my responsibility I'm not the one who had a man staying in a hotel room with me & sending me text messages.
I feel like He can deal with the fallout. Why is it my problem? And like I have control over 2 80 yr old ladies arguing.
My grandmother does know about OW. Because we live in a very small town & they live about 5 minutes away. I have taken the baby
over to her house when I've been trying to stay away from the house while he's here with big kids.
Do I validate his concerns?
Do I let him deal with the fallout & tell him it's not my side of the street to clean?
I think you can both validate his upset AND stay out of that can of worms. Something like "it sounds like that conversation was very upsetting to you" without offering to do anything about it, and if he pushes it, say that you can't control how other people talk.
I don't think it's reasonable that he dictate how you conduct your relationship with your grandmother and it's certainly not his business if you choose to confide in her at this painful time. Whether or not you did is irrelevant; you have the right to seek comfort when you need it.
Thanks so much Maybell!
Pretty uneventful week. H has initiated a few texts about house concerns. Making sure pool guy is taking care of pool. The yard looked ok from lawn guy.
He calls kids each evening to say goodnight. Sometimes he asks to speak to me after talking to them about their day. And he just asks a few additional questions about their day.
He is picking up the older 2 kids this evening and taking them to the beach for the weekend. Sunday is his 40th birthday.
I let the kids pick out cards for him. Not really sure if I should acknowledge his birthday.
He did tell me last night that they will be home Sunday afternoon and he will have to stay at "the house" Sunday night. He then wants to spend some time with the baby on Monday morning before leaving to go back out of town.
It has been easier to detach since I have not seen him in two weeks.
Feeling a little anxious about kid pick up this afternoon. But I planned to be already dressed to go out. My mom is watching baby for me & I'm getting together with a girlfriend.
Not looking forward to Sunday as it is his birthday & I have to be around him. I agreed that I would allow him time to spend with baby but would still be around as baby has some medical issues and H is not comfortable caring for him by himself for extended periods.
Don't know if I should plan to cook or let him handle his dinner and pretend I'm not here as this is "his" time with kids. I don't want to Persue but always don't want it to come back at me that I didnt acknowledge his 40th birthday - we have been together since he was 23.
Any advice, tips, suggestions?
Thanks!!!