Well my last thread is at 100 so with that I am beginning a new one since now I don't think there is anything to do more for the M as it was filed yesterday and it will be finalized in a month. Today will be filled with packing. I am just so exhausted but I can rest when I am done or like they say when I'm dead
I can't imagine how hard this is for you, I'm going through my possibly 1st D right now... Keep us posted, let us help you along this journey.
I'm doing okay so far which I think packing has kept me occupied and not dwelling on the situation.
My D 17 just started acting up again over her laptop and we were arguing over it. She pushed me and she was also hitting her brother before taking off. I called my 2nd youngest sister to see if she could find her which she did however, my sister believes my D and says that she doesn't need to go to Japan but to live with my mom. Also my sister brought up that my mom doesn't think she has long. My mom has ovarian cancer and doesn't need to have my D there behaving like a brat and defiant. This on top of the divorce is more than enough for me however everyone says that God never gives you more than you can handle...I wanted to call my STBXH but that's not the right thing to do. I can't rely on him as a shoulder to cry on or vent to. I wish God would give me a break and help me with this situation with my daughter and expedite her leaving sooner than later as she is way out of control. For 3 years my STBXH and I tried to get her on the right path but she is determined to do whatever she wants to do. I'm just looking for people to keep me and my kids in their thoughts.
Hi CSan00,
I can understand what you are feeling. I have three ten daughters. My oldest was pushing her weight around as well much as you have described. Last summer it came to a head. She filed for a restraining order against me and my STBX went along with it. Luckily it was averted but things were really strained.
Things have come full circle now. All three are living with me and we are improving are relationship all the time.
My advice is that she will come back to you in time. Be consistent. Make sure she always knows you are there for her. Always try to at least ask her when she is coming home when ever she goes out.
This was advice given to me and it worked for me.
Hi LT,
I'm trying to keep going but I can't tolerate my D 17 being physical with me or her older brother. My family disagrees with my decision but enough is enough. We have let her know we are here for her but she will not deal with her feelings in a healthy manner and I will not let her keep negatively impact our family.
I will see my IC tomorrow and I am glad since I feel like she is a lot of my support system. I have friends that I talk to but not about everything. I'm almost done with the packing and we will be out by Saturday. I looked into the empty rooms and don't feel too sad. A part of me wishes that once my STBXH moves back into the empty house it will really hit him but it's not my place to punish him or show him the consequences of the divorce. I'm exhausted and looking forward to being done with packing and moving. Also for my D 17 to be with her dad. I know that may sound awful but it's taken a toll on my sons and I.
Keep going! One foot in front of the other. Trust me, WAH will notice an empty house. There nothing more quiet than an empty house stripped of furniture, pictures, and memories.
Thornton, perhaps he will. However, my STBXH just told me that when I bring up us or if he is feeling better or fixed that he wants to pull away further. Wow I have totally messed up with DB and he is right I am chasing him away with my talks and temperature checking. No wonder why we are a few weeks away from D being finalized....I screwed my chances. Any vets please give input??
I took off my rings and I am dropping the rope. I need to live for myself and my kids. I have been trying so hard to keep a connection between my STBXH and myself that I haven't even focused on what I want. I also realize that my STBXH needs to get through his own issues and I do too. By trying to hold on to him, I didn't respect his choice or decision to be without me and I was forcing a connection when it is not in my control. Letting go of it all
Good for you! Now focus on you. Be in the moment. You can do this:-)
Another incident with my D 17. This time in the car right in front of the house. My son had to pull her off of me and this was over the laptop again. I had to lock the car door and roll up the windows until she finally took off walking to work. On top of that, a few neighbors came out. I was in tears and so was my oldest son. I don't know what I have done to deserve this. My D 17 leaving couldn't come fast enough. Also I feel that it is better if the boys and I just get an apartment right away since my mom keeps saying that I am giving up on my D and I noticed that she is being harder on the boys...I feel lost and alone, which I am since my sisters have not really talked to me. Everything is coming apart in my life and I wish I knew the reason for all of this turmoil. I know people have it a lot worse but I feel like I have bottomed out. When it rains it pours. God never gives you more than you can handle. I keep this in mind but my resolve is weakening...
Hugs to you CSan.
I don't have much advice regarding D17, she sounds very, very angry.
Remember, its always darkest right before the sun comes out. Don't give up.
Yeah I dont understand what is going on with her either. Maybe its a psychological issue with the D going on. Have you taken her to talk to anyone yet? I know you wanted to move her to Japan with her father, but that might not fix anything. Might just be moving the problem to a new location. Im not telling you how to be a parent or anything and God knows you are under enough stress. I was just wondering if that had been brought up.
Ben2010, I have had her in counseling for a couple of years now and her therapist says that she is acting out and isn't talking in their sessions about what is bothering her. I am sending her to her Dad to give her a restart with her life to get back on track. I feel that I have done all I can for her these 3 and a half years. I never saw this happening. I feel as a failure as a mom. I appreciate your input
Thanks Thornton...I'm not giving up yet just feel knocked down. I appreciate your kind words
After being away for an overnight trip with my friend, I returned to the house to finish the packing. I broke down and texted my STBXH and he was short and polite then I bought up him not wanting to talk to me anymore and he responded with I always reply. This isn't heading any where good and not in the mood to argue. I am hurting myself by doing this. I need to keep my distance to avoid making it worse between my STBXH and myself. Help?!?
Also I am feeling panicked and doomed which is the result of me not taking my anxiety medicine. I applied for a personal loan to be able to move out on my own sooner as I don't want to be a burden on my parents as they are struggling with paying my mom's medical bills. I feel like if myself and the boys are on our own, it will be better for us and we can really start coming together as a family and restarting. I wonder if I can truly drop the rope as I don't know what I want in respect to my STBXH. I just want to get it together and be fine....Thoughts on how to keep going now that divorce will be finalized in 3 weeks or so?
Hi, I saw your invitation to look at your thread. I haven't read all the way through it, but just seeing how many teenagers you have between the two of you......OMG! I hope you take this in the right way, but having so many teens trying to live together under conditions they may or may not have wanted has got to be mind boggling.
I believe The Brady Bunch may have deceived some people, but I bet you could tell how it is in real life trying to combine two families. I have seen it up close and personal, and the M problems usually started over his & her kids. Just really....really tough stuff.
Everyone deserves another chance after the first M didn't work. Having children should not penalize those chances, but you all have a massive situation with this many teenagers. Do they live part time with the other parents?
If these two families are able to become one united, I think it would take a family therapist with experiences with large families (kids & step kids ). But first things first. I'm sure you have been told to read DR. Have you read it all the way through?
The more you show neediness toward your H, the further away he will get. He must feel a tremdous amount of pressure, as I am sure you do too. But I think men handle it differently than we do. We turn to them when we feel weak and want their stength to hold us together. But who does the H turn to when he feels pressured? He has to be the leader and basically responsible for his family (security, financially, protection, education, relationship, etc.). As a working mother, you have your own areas of stress, trying to be all things to all those you care about.
I think the stress, alone, could tear this family apart. If pressure/stress triggers his post tramadic issues, he may be trying to run for his life by escaping, IDK. He may not know how to deal with so many people at one time. He can't can't get rid of his own kids, but he sees you and your kids as more pressure and demands.........I would think.
I don't know what you do to relieve stress....or when you have time, but it is essential for your sanity and survival. Being good to yourself is not being selfish. What have you done for yourself? Not taking the meds you need is not helping anything. What's the real purpose of not taking your medicine? That's nuts!
You MUST stop contacting him. It is pressure! And pressure will not make him want to go back to you and the kids. The LBS wants to hold tighter to the WAS b/c of the fear they have in losing the S. It is the wrong action. He needs to feel free. It may take the D (and he seems to believe it will) in order to get the freedom he wants. Doesn't mean he no longer truly loves you down deep in his heart, he just can't cope and wants out. If your actions are trying to control, guilt, or punish him.......you have to stop it. It doesn't work.
When or if he hears/sees you, do not complain to him b/c that is more pressure and not attractive. You need to be self-confident and upbeat. Not giddy or silly, but just friendly and nice. Men say this is very attractive in women.
Accept the fact you may not be able to stop the D. He doesn't want this R. So don't try to confince him otherwise. He has to have time and work through enough issues to get to a place where he is willing to do what it takes to make this work......and get help.
Setting him free is not giving up. It is dropping the emotional rope you have around him. Are you woman enough to do it?
((hugs))
Sandi, I know you have tons of experience and advice and I was wondering if you had any for me if you ever get a chance to read my sitch. Thanks for your time and Sorry to hijack
Hi Sandi2, thank you so much for taking the time. I did read DR all the way through but to be honest, I thought well my sitch is different so did it half a$$ed. When I did a little of going dark, my H showed interest and I just ran with it like accepting most of his invitations, initiating contact, talking about my problems, relying on him and talking of the R. This has led to him going dark and us filing for a D last Friday. His PTSD is usually hard around the beginning of the year but he had some triggers that had to do with my past that he said is what led to him disconnecting. Also our kids got along great, it was our issues with each others kids that was a huge issue of how we disagreed on how we treated the each others kids. Not all the kids lived with us full time, my H kids came during the summer only. I also was in denial about my depression returning and I refused to get help my dosage increased and refused to go to MC when my H asked repeatedly. We also stopped spending quality time alone with each other and intimate. I thought I was projecting lovingly detachment but I was truly fooling myself because I was so scared of losing any kind of connection to my STBXH, I grasped onto any crumb from him. I do accept that this D is going to happen and he is seeking help for his issues as far as I know. I do know that he has said he needs to do this for himself and I have not respected his decision by being a constant presence or reminder of all the problems he could no longer handle. He would talk to me about things but he never took time for himself and I believe my STBXH's tendency to just take care of everything and me just allowing him put intense pressure on him with no breaks or help for him. I do see how I have tried to make him feel guilty with my words to him....crap! I want to smack the front of my head ...thwak! I have not taken time for myself as I used to work out but I have felt so exhausted between work, my kids especially my D 17 and cleaning and packing up our stuff that I have not done much for myself. I do want to set him free but having the hardest time doing it to be honest. Other than GAL and keep improving myself and my kids, I feel lost on what to do. I am going to re-read DR so i can really get it to sink in and practice it. I am in the process of looking at apartments for myself and my boys so we won't be a burden on my parents and so we can begin rebuilding on our own. I sincerely appreciate your input Sandi2 thank you and please stop by again as I need help navigating this situation.
Why not pay rent to your parents?
Adinva, I would but part of the issue is my mom tells me how to raise my kids and also tends to undermine me with them.
So my D 17 leaves on July 3rd to Japan and I am feeling a bit nervous and anxious to get it done with...I know that this is the right thing to do however, I am sad that she has changed so much. I'm also in the process of looking at apartments too so that is keeping me occupied. All these changes are bringing up some sadness
Still looking at apartments and I have found a few that may work but we'll see. My STBXH'S kids are in town for the summer and while I am closer with my 15 SD, the other two 13 SD and 11 SS I am not, both of them decided to stay in a hot van than say Hi to me at work to drop off my mail. I knew that they didn't care for me much but that stung. After the short visit from my STBXH and 15 SD, I thought that this D was the best thing for all of us as there were too many issues regarding each others kids and now I can just focus on my kids and myself without worrying about my STBXH and his kids. It also makes me think that a R isn't in the cards for us as too much damage has been done. We will all be happy now separate although my kids have taken it harder, I will strive to be the best mom I can be for them. I don't miss my STBXH even half as much as I used to nor do I feel like I need or want him now. I am thinking about getting the rest of my stuff from the basement in the house so we don't have any ties. I won't be cold or unfriendly to him but I am not going to make any efforts to keep in touch or to talk. He has actually initiated texting me but I don't see it as anything significant. I believe that I am done
Well my STBXH wants me to stop by and talk. There's also mail for me to pick up. I am trying to act as if but to be honest, I really don't want to hear what he has to say as I don't want to face anymore hurt or dwell on what is wrong. Any suggestions?
My STBXH told me that he still loves me yet we are still getting a D? I am angry to tell the truth...it's all a little too late how much he misses me and all of that. Please any vets please advise??
CSan00...looks like detaching made you realize a few things. Funny how when you don't really care anymore the tables turn, now its you that says too little too late. Im not a vet, but im rooting for your happiness. Stay strong and think of the kids, I have a feeling the hunted is now becoming the hunter...
Thanks OAD, I have a bit more to go to be honest.
I just got a call on the apartment I applied for and I will be signing and getting the keys tomorrow morning! So excited to be moving forward with my own place with my kids! My M didn't work out but I am slowly but surely getting to a better place in my life :-)
I don't know if this will get any vet's to chime in but my STBXH talked to me on Friday night and he appears to be reaching out to me however,this is totally contradictory to us both living apart and the divorce becoming final in 2 weeks. I'm really not sure what this is or means
Im not a vet, but I'm curious what WAH said.
What did he do to reach out?
Well we met up after his retirement ceremony and he told me that he was going out on a limb by telling me that he still loves me, wants to see me and feels comfort with me. My STBXH also went to see our old MC to talk about how he's been feeling. He also said that he would like to see her together if I am fine with it. I don't know what to think as the D is almost finalized,I have moved into an apartment and we are separating bills and insurance. Thoughts? ??
What do you want? You don't have to finalize the divorce AND you don't have to undo all the separation while you explore this to the degree you feel comfortable. Right?
MB, the D being finalized can't be stopped or undone as we are just waiting for the judge to sign. I'm not wanting to undo the separation either. My STBXH mentioned seeing our old MC for closure or restart. He told me today that he feels confused about his feelings for me and is afraid that he is hurting me more by seeing me and telling me how he feels. I have more questions and fear of getting hurt
I wonder how things can be so opposite. Like him saying he feels love for me, asking to see me yet for all intent and purpose, the D is happening? I feel like I am missing something here
I'm no vet, but that all sounds like positive movement to me. Maybe H is just getting the divorce version of cold feet, or maybe he's at the beginning of a real change of heart. I would certainly follow up with seeing the MC with him. Everything can be (and should be) taken as slow as possible.
The separation agreement and divorce decree... Well, they're just like marriage right? Just pieces of paper. I would look at them as providing you with a way to get a truly fresh start with H, if that ends up being what he (and you) want.
Stumps, that's a great perspective.
CSan, for what it's worth, I personally know several couples who got remarried after the divorce (one in my family).
I would DEFINITELY not move to undo the separation and the divorce is out of your hands so revisiting just to see where things are between you is an option that doesn't really have any consequences, right? The most you have to lose is some time with the MC.
You mention fearing new hurt. Are you still hurting now? Do you sense change in him that would alter your ability to feel at peace?
On other threads a lot of spouses say they NEED the divorce in order to address the issues in the M. It doesn't sound rational to a lot of us but it's true for them. Is it possible that your H feeling free makes it easier for him to address things with you, he doesn't feel trapped so he is more honest?
But the question stands: What do you WANT?
Thanks Stumps, it does seem a bit more positive.
MB, my STBXH had mentioned remarriage but now he states that he can't be a parent to my boys as he and I have 2 different types of parenting and that can't be resolved. So I a left with thinking what is left then. My STBXH has decided that the D is for the best for us all and he has issues with my family. All these negatives are huge and I don't see my STBXH wanting to deal or overcome them. My STBXH is also working on his issues in IC including for PTSD. I hate to say a R is impossible but on paper it seems that way.
I am grieving for our M and feel sad for what was lost...To see my STBXH has been nice but confusing as to what is this and I don't want to get hurt again. I wish we could truly have a restart but I don't see how with all the issues and hurt?
We are meeting with our old MC tomorrow evening and driving there and back together. I am not sure what I see happening
I'm no vet CS but perhaps when you go there just sit and listen. See what he has to say. Only then will you have a better understanding of what he is thinking/feeling.
Thanks bashy. I am going to just go and see how it goes. It is hard when I see all the issues and like his 3 kids saw me today and wouldn't even say "Hi" smile or look at me. Things like that make it even more concrete that we cannot be together and this D is better.
Don't sweat the kids. I'm sure they've been brainwashed by WAH so he could justify in his own mind what he's doing.
See what he has to say. Just listen and don't show any emotion. I get the feeling he doesn't want to D. It's becoming too real for him.
Well we went to the appointment today with our old MC and I don't know if it made a difference. My STBXH said things for him are black and white. Like he wants to be with me but can't deal with my sisters and my kids so therefore he can't be with me. Our MC asked if any gray could be possible for him and my STBXH said he didn't see that as he has felt happier, less stressed and relaxed since we separated and now getting divorced. I was honest and said that I had hoped for a future for us but I don't see it as my STBXH deals only in absolutes. My MC asked what it would look like if I could have my STBXH and everything else ideally and I couldn't picture it at all. My STBXH told me that he is trying to get to the gray area so to speak where there is more possibilities as to how we could be together. My STBXH also is very hurt and upset that I didn't make more of an effort with his kids and angry that I tried more after he dropped the BD. My STBXH also is upset that I gave in to my kids and didn't support him in how to raise them and be more strict. I know that I can't change his mind or feelings. He also mentioned feeling pressured when I ask for reassurance from him and for the future which I have done and shouldn't. He asks me to be open about my feelings but when I do too much he feels pressured and scared. My daughter is also leaving tomorrow for Japan and I am being called by my extended family that I am doing the wrong thing. My life is in shambles
Is there anyway he will compromise on any issues he has? If "he is trying to get to the gray area so to speak where there is more possibilities as to how we could be together" then is this not something he will work on?
Hi CSan00, sorry I havn't read your back story yet, but this jumped out at me.
... and I am being called by my extended family that I am doing the wrong thing. My life is in shambles.
Don't forget, your family will want to protect you and make you feel all right: they will want get you out of a situation where you are unhappy. It's good to have support, but remember they will be biased, they do not neccesarily know what the best thing for you and your relationship is.
Your life may be a shambles now, but you can rebuild it.
I'm sorry the MC wasn't more productive but I think it's really brave you went.
I wish i had suggestions.
Thank you all. We will be seeing our old MC again this coming Wednesday to see if we can come to some type of resolution to both of our feelings. My family is calling in regards to me deciding to have my D 17 live with her father in Japan as he is in the military. My family tells me that I am giving up on her and throwing her to the lions without any protection. I really am trying to do the best for her and I do love her however I need her dad's help and all my family has ever done with my kids is under mind me and tell me what to do and take over. I love my mom but she has told me that she sees my kids as hers. This has always been an issue for me with my family that they overstep and I would get heat for having boundaries...
I think I will take a break from DB as I at a loss of how I feel and have no firm ground. Exhausted physically, emotionally and mentally. Right now all I can see are my failures and I know that if I took time to listen, my M would be intact along with other issues that I have not resolved. Sorry just feel down
I just wanted to reach out and send a hug! It has been a rough week for a lot of people I think. At least he went to MC. Sorry I try to see the positives in things.
You are the mother of your D. You have to make the decision that you feel is in her best interest. I haven't read your entire sitch so I'm sorry I can't offer more advice at this time.
Just know that we are all here for you and rooting for you. Work on yojrsrlf and know that whether this journey ends with or without your H you have been given a gift of being the best you that you can be. I personally feel that posting helps me. I don't know about you but me just typing things out helps relieve some stress or frustration. It also helps me from avoiding responding emotionally to H
Hugs!
And as far as if you would have done this or done that .. I still think that .. I still posted about it today. But hindsight is what it is. We can only change the future. Fix what YOU can fix now for you, to be a better W to either your H or your next relationship. And who knows - maybe if you did listen or did communicate better. Who is to say H wouldn't have had something else that bothered him? Playing devils advocate - don't beat yourself up. Own your faults and work on them for you
CSan00,
You certainly have had a rough time of it.
I can only imagine what you're going through right now, how painful it must be for you.
I'm just sorry to hear you're in such a bad place tonight.
Hang in there.
---GG
Sending you positive vibes tonight.
T0- Thank you for the support. I guess I feel all over the place. I'm glad my STBXH went to MC regardless of how it ended. I had more insight or epiphanies on how my unwillingness to be vulnerable, listening to my family on matters between my 1st XH, letting my family's opinions be the deciding factor in my decisions with regards to my life, marriage and children; this really hurt my 1st M. I see now how I didn't put my STBXH needs first like he did with me and only put my kids and family's needs first. Nor did I make the effort he did like with my kids and family. I was really selfish. I don't want to be selfish in any relationship period. I want to be happy, giving and loving. I also want to be a better parent. Getting to these goals is the hard part.....Anyways, I hope everyone is having a great 4th of July!
Thank you GG. It is a better day today and I am dealing with things as best as I can. I have read a bit of your sitch and you definitely show resilience!
MB, thanks for the positive thoughts! I'm glad we have this place to help each other :-)
I do wonder if Sandi2 or labug can advise on DBing after the divorce is final? I just wonder on how to apply this as I am rereading DR. Thoughts??
I'm also in my new apartment for the first night and I feel sad at how things are...really trying to look at it in a positive way but finding it really hard. Praying for strength and guidance
I'm not Sandi or labug but there is a forum for DBing after divorce if you look down the list.
You know, I think the positive light you're looking for is in your 8 pm post. Realizing your part in the relationship is a really big deal. Whatever your future holds, that knowledge is priceless. Hold onto it. I bet this understanding makes your life better no matter what.
Best to you.
I called my STBXH to meet up for breakfast which I shouldn't have done as I should just back off as he doesn't want a relationship and I need to respect his space. He has not initiated contact since the MC and that should be an indication that it was too much for him especially with me crying during it. I need to let go
Just Journaling-
I worked out today twice so I am pretty happy I did it. I just need to make it a priority to do more for myself and to feel better. I'm also looking to read my self improvement books too. Even thinking of going to church tomorrow morning.
Hi, CSan. I'm glad you got out and did stuff, and that you're looking ahead to tomorrow. Did you look in those other threads?
Hi MB,
I did look and I will have to move my thread there. I suppose I still want hope but can't seem to get my head clear. I am hoping by just getting out and not dwelling on the MC session or how to proceed with my STBXH that I will get some clarity and just center myself. Not sure if that even makes sense however with my D 17 leaving this past Thursday and feeling even more emotional than usual, things are jumbled for me. Thank you MB!
That all makes sense. Deal with one thing at a time. I hope your D17 finds peace and you do too.
Thanks MB. I hope my D 17 does find peace and a new beginning. That was my intention behind this move although I didn't have the understanding or support from any of my family which I didn't need but would have been nice to have. I went to church today with my S 16 which was nice. Then I bought The Relationship Cure and I Thought It was just Me (but it isn't). I am want to learn and better myself although I'm not happy of the situation that was the catalyst for the change, I have to make the best of it. I did feel frustrated at having to put the beds together and not having my STBXH help..Grrr I will get it done just will take me longer. Just need to see moments like that as learning. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming like Dory says lol :-)
I know that I can take care of myself and my kids but it scares me that it is all on me and I am alone in this journey.
Once you conquer that fear and realize you can do this, it will empower you and your confidence will soar as a result.
You can do this, Csan. You absolutely can.
Thanks Thornton. I'm having a hard day today and sorry for the TMI but my depression and anxiety feel worse so I feel panicked and really sad. I'm trying to get to the doctor asap as the longer I let my depression go the worse it gets. I know I can do this on my own just feel hopeless today. It's gotta get better eventually
Sorry for my earlier post. I'm just having a hard day which I don't think I've had in a while. I thought I had made progress in accepting the D and detaching and then a day like today feels like a setback. It seems to be like that. Also playing Bocce at the same house brought up memories of my STBXH and happier times. Silly how a small thing can cause such a strong feeling.
Yep, I know all too well how the memories can haunt you. I couldn't go to the grocery store for weeks after the bomb because that was what WAW and I would do every Sunday. I had to go to another store just to avoid those feelings crashing down on me in aisle 4.
Hang in there Csan. And don't worry about venting here, we can all relate.
My STBXH has cancelled the session for tomorrow as he has a doctor appointment and doesn't want to take any time away from his kids who are here for the next 3 weeks before they leave back to PA. It hurts but I can understand. I just need to keep living and take care of myself and my kids. Starting to think I need to let go of trying to DB. I will go to the appointment anyway and use it for my closure
He texted me about moving the rest of my furniture out. He offered to find a truck to help...guess he wants it all gone asap. Another hard day for me. I did text him that I wished him well and I hoped things remain civil. Not sure if I should have done that.
It [censored] that I am back to feeling sad about our M ending and he is going on like nothing especially after telling me he still loved me and was trying. Guess it was all lies and I am an idiot and fool for letting myself get hurt.
Help Sandi2 or labug please?
CSan,
I'm not Sandi2 or labug... but I'm here.
You're having a really hard day and I understand.
You are NOT an idiot for wanting to believe that the person you entrusted with your heart really meant what he said. It's called HOPE.
And even though on this board we try to discourage expectations, it's human nature to feel hopeful when the sun peeks through the clouds.
Your situation has progressed so fast; I don't know how you're handling it as well as you are.
You're human, and you're in an awful situation that you had little choice about.
It's OK to be sad, OK to be angry, OK to cry and curse the gods for what's happened.
As far as texting him, it was as benign as it could be. He can take it however he wants.
As far as your M is concerned, it's not over unless you want it to be.
All the things that have happened are just changes which you will adapt to.
I don't know the laws in your state, but just because he wants a D, doesn't mean you need to give it to him! People get this wrong all the time.
Not to say you fight him tooth and nail over the napkins or anything, but you certainly don't need to buckle under pressure to "get it over with quickly", unless that's YOUR agenda.
They say "Time is your friend, use it wisely." That is true.
Sorry for your pain, try not to focus on what he's doing. He probably doesn't even know. It's hurtful, yes, but you'll go on.. and you will get through this.
--GG
GG,
I appreciate your encouraging words. I truly do as I feel very alone and I have cried off and on through out the day. From what I've read, this is part of the process in healing where you feel better and then have days that feel like a setback. I'm so ready for the pain to go away however, I understand (don't like) that it will take time and I honestly want to improve myself and get to a better place not just for myself but for my kids. As for the D, we both signed so it's just waiting for the judge to sign. I know I will be okay and get through this but at this very moment, it doesn't feel true. I feel like running away from this but I know the only way is just to heal my heart. Wish it was like ripping off a band aid....
I wish it were too.
I'm pulling for you.
--GG
Hang in there Csan. I'm pulling for you too.
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Don't be afraid to cry either, it will help alleviate the pain.
I've read here on a veterans old posts, that a new level of detachment is often preceded by a really tough time. Once you make it through this stage, you will be stronger. And then another challenge will come and you'll get down, and then you'll be stronger.
GGG and Thornton, thanks for supporting me. It truly helps and I am having a better day so far and look forward to seeing my IC today. On a side note, my STBXH texted me around midnight to say Goodnight even though it was late. I saw it this morning and just replied Good morning and thank you. I need to take myself out of a no win situation. Working on no expectations
So I think i was mind reading and Assuming big time. And i am embarrassed to even post this but here goes...so yesterday after being home from the appointment with C, my STBXH text me about going to Verizon to separate the phones and he said to let him know if I wanted him to pick me up or meet him there. I figured I might as well do it and be done. He had the bike so he met me at my new apartment and I gave him a quick tour of it. We took his bike and I used to hold on to him but this time I just rested my arms on my legs. I think he sensed my hesitation and he grabbed my left hand and put it on his side. Once we got to Verizon we made small talk and waited till it was our turn. Turns out that in order to take off my phone it would be $500 which neither of us have to spend. We left and my STBXH asked if I wanted to go for a short ride. We rode for a little while and after we stopped at Home Depot, he asked if I wanted to get a beer and I said Sure. We stopped at a bar and just sat down and I mainly let him talk about how his kids didn't want to get out of the house, his oldest D 15 is complaining about everything saying it's lame the movies he picked and not interested in what he is talking about with her, his S 11 is annoying his sisters and won't hug him at all and his D 13 just has her head buried in a book. All I told my STBXH is that they are just being kids. My STBXH also told me that I looked good and asked how much weight I lost which I just said thank you and I wasn't sure if I lost weight. I asked if he did think we are in a relationship and he said Yes but not sure what kind. He went on to say ask about my mom and her chemotherapy as her cancer is progressing. I kept it short and he said that he loved my mom and wanted her to see his kids and give them the gifts she had given to my STBXH almost 9 months ago as he wanted her to give them to his kids. He mentioned my boys and some funny memories which we talked a little about but no issues or problems. He asked for a hug and I said it was okay. It felt nice but I felt on guard too. My STBXH said he rides his bike at night around 9 if I ever wanted to go with him and he was just throwing that out there. I asked how the kids were doing and he said Good and to let him know when I wanted to take them for an ice cream which I offered a while ago and he didn't mention till now. We talked and joked around a bit then he dropped me off at my apartment. He asked if he could give me a kiss and I said it was okay. It was a good time....Thoughts?
I see now that I panic whenever my STBXH pulls back not recognizing he needs his space. I make ASSupmtions which doesn't help me at all and leads me to more of the same which is overreacting that's something my STBXH told me he disliked about me. Still have a long way to go in improving myself and learning DBing. I wonder if I screwed up too much...My STBXH did text me Good morning today and also called me at work which he has not done in over a month. He called to see if I could give him a ride from my mom's house as he was taking my dad's van over there. He ended up getting a ride from my mom back to his house. I'm trying really hard to not have expectations of what this all means or what he is thinking. I feel a bit sheepish about how I have let my emotions take over. Lots of work for me to do. This is certainly a roller coaster which I didn't take into consideration at all. Man, I feel really humbled because things that I thought were true like I truly did understand DBing is not close to reality. I want to learn to take each day as it comes and not project into the future so much that I can't see the forest for the trees. I do find it hard to give advice to others on here because I don't feel like I have enough time and work on myself with DBing so how can I help someone else...okay enough rambling
It's such a roller coaster! One minute it's over! The next it's hugging and kissing!
Csan, have you noticed anything you are doing differently when WAH starts to come back around? Are you giving off a different vibe?
See if you can identify a pattern when WAH starts showing more affection.
I'd add on to what Thornton has said and suggest keeping a journal, if you aren't already. Mine isn't very old so it's not all that useful yet, but I try to keep track of what I've done and when as well as H's mood and how much he engages with me in different ways.
Hi Thornton,
Well, it's when I pull back a lot, go dark,just give him space and act/am (?) detached that my STBXH comes around. I guess I'm a bit perplexed as the D has been filed just waiting on the judge to sign. However I think I'm quoting Sandi2 on my sitch that he needs the D to feel free. Now that the D is almost finalized, my STBXH is more open than before?!? I guess that's for him to know and work on just like I am working on myself albeit slowly and right now GAL is a bit difficult with my kids needing me more than ever as my 1st XH is in Japan so I don't have alternating weekends and holidays but that's okay... I do have a 5k Color Run in August and hopefully getting together with my friends as much as possible. Oh and Bocce which is every Monday till the end of August.
So I had a sleep over with my STBXH last night which was very nice. We woke up and stayed in bed joking around being playful like in the beginning of our R. We also ML again this morning. Once we were up, he was heading to the old house and asked me to join him and his kids for breakfast at IHOP. It was a good time and the kids seemed okay with me. They all left to look at furniture and on the way back he text me to let me know that he was fine with the girls going with me to get our nails done since I did ask them about during Breakfast. Well I picked up the girls and we got pedicures and manicures. The oldest D 15 was more talkative which I did try with the youngest D 13 too. I think it was a good time and when I dropped them off to my STBXH, we were joking and talking. The kids said bye headed into the house and my STBXH walked me to my car and gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek. Not sure what to think except to just keep going
This all sounds pretty positive to me, but I think you're absolutely right to keep focused on keeping going with this. You seem to have a good sense of what changes are producing results, so keep up with those and make sure he still has the space that he seems to need to help him to feel better.
Thanks Meghan. I'm trying very hard to not have expectations, give him space and not pressure. I hope I can continue making progress....We are nearing the D date and it's so contrary that things are better especially compared to 5 months ago. Long way to go and I don't want to read too much into anything or stop going down the path of self improvement. With that being said, I'm grateful.
I don't want to threadjack, but this is rather heartening to read, particularly so close to the D. Things have been feeling really dire over here these last few days, and it's just so nice to see that positive changes can actually happen, even when things were looking pretty bad.
Thanks Meghan but I am no where near piecing as I am waiting for the decree to be signed :-(
I feel a bit unsure about things in general and I wonder if this is normal? I still care for my STBXH but I am afraid that by being intimate it is ruining a possible R and/or it being successful but I'm getting ahead of myself. I am at loss how to start over with my STBXH. My STBXH did text to check on us after a tornado was spotted here. I was so scared but thank God no one in town was hurt. We texted back and forth a little with me responding last and nothing back from him is how it goes. Then a few hours later he text me that he is bringing the couch over with his friend. They brought it in and at one place my H said Careful Babe which was his pet name for me. I didn't acknowledge it just helped put the couch down. They left and my H told me that I could stop by the old house for my laptop. I went by and him and his son were moving the dressers. In the end my H brought over 2 dressers, my recliners and a nightstand with his son. He said we shouldn't be sitting on the floor. My STBXH even helped me set up the dressers in the boys room where I told him Thank you very much and he gave me a kind of long hug and said he wanted to make sure the boys and I were comfortable. He sent me a random text this afternoon and then mentioned bringing over more things today. He just called about things to make a roast in the crock pot and I told him what I do. He then brought up My D 17 having her laptop as I had said that I was keeping it. Well that changed because my 1st XH said that she needed it for school over there as him and his wife needed each of theirs for school. My STBXH said I thought you were keeping it. And i told him why but he said She probably bitched about it to her dad. I didn't say anything else and he said he would try to bring the stuff over tonight and he said he had to go. My S 12 asked to talk to him and they spoke for a few minutes before hanging up. That's one thing that my STBXH hates is people changing their minds and not doing what they said they were going to do. I'm not too concerned about how he feels about it as I know how he feels but it didn't matter as it was between me and my 1st XH. I am just going to keep going and I can't control or change his opinion or mind about things. Sometimes I think that until he deals with the anger/resentment he has with me and my family, we can't fully restart a new R. And if he can't ever get over things, then it's probably not a good thing for a future R for us
Well, it's is final. The divorce decree came in yesterday as my XH text me and also said that he needs my stuff out of the house in a week since he might be moving. He asked if I could go last night and I told him after 730 pm I could. He then said don't worry about it since I'm too busy going out. He said I have my priorities messed up as I am going out instead of moving out. He then proceeded to say that I was not to contact any of his children and to leave my key to the house and military ID in the mail box last night after I was done drinking. I told him I would get my stuff out and that I would be out of his life for good. So that's where things are. I'm not going to continue DBing to reconcile with my XH. I'm done with him. I wished him well and I hoped he gets better and has a good life. Also told him I want to be civil. I am going to sell my wedding rings change my last name and get rid of any kind of things from my M.
I'm sorry you're in that place. I hope you find happiness, peace, and fulfillment in your new chapter.
I have seen myself for what I really am and I am disgusted, disappointed and really sad...I thought I was a good person and mom but I have decieved myself. My XH is right for leaving me and I deserve this pain. I only wish I could rectify my mistakes. I have been selfish and God help me because I really needed it to be a better person and mom. I threw away a good man by not giving or loving enough. I pray that he gets better and finds happiness. Just need prayers please on this road to healing
CSan,
I understand the feelings of wanting to blame yourself - I really, really do - but don't take on all of the responsibility for this. It's so easy to point fingers entirely at yourself, but your husband has also made choices. He has also contributed to this. This should not be all on your shoulders.
I think it's important to recognize the places that you could improve so you can work on them going forward, but please be gentle on yourself. You do not "deserve" this pain.
I'm sending lots of good thoughts your way.
Thank you MB. I hope to fix myself and focus on my kids...
Meghan,
I appreciate your message as I has so much anger and pain when I found out that the decree had come in the mail and how cold my XH sounded over his text messages about how my priorities where messed up. He seems up and down that it is confusing. To make matters worse, I drank that night at a bar with my friend and she and I ended up hanging out with the waiter. Nothing happened but my XH found out about it and was pi$$ed. He knew about it that whole night and didn't say to me for 2 days. Apparently the waiter used to work for him and text my H to let him know and asked if it was okay to talk to me. I thought he was done with me and on Friday night when he confronted me about that night, he asked for my wedding rings back. I brought them to him and he just went off on me about how irresponsible I was and stupid for going with a stranger. I apologized and said that I thought he was done with me and I wasn't thinking. He then told me he knew about it and was testing me to see if I would come clean and us have a clean slate but I didn't and all I do is hurt him. He told me that I'm the reason why he failed his kids and that's one of the biggest reasons why he wanted the divorce. My XH then told me that I needed to spend more time with my boys and mom as she is getting sicker from the cancer and that I need to fix myself. He also said I hurt him so bad that he is numb and can't get things straight which is why he is leaving for 2 weeks after his kids leave and that this is too small of a town where he knows a lot of people and he wants to move out of town. I did all the wrong things - tried to justify my mistakes, asked for another chance and cried. I went home got little sleep and I sent him a text if he would meet me so I could talk to him. I just wanted to apologize in person and he agreed. We met up at Starbucks and he began by saying that he hates being angry with me. He then waited for me to say what I needed to say. I apologized for hurting him and making him feel humiliated and for behaving recklessly. He said he didn't want me to get hurt and affect my boys and he didn't want anything to happen to me. He said he was still fine seeing, texting and me like for coffee. H I apologized for ruining our chance for a new start and he said I'm not taking that off the table. He then said let's go for a short ride on his bike and he also said that I could hold him. The ride was nice and when we got off he pulled me in for a hug and then a kiss on the cheek which I went for his lips. I apologized and he said it was fine. We hugged again and this time he kissed me on my lips. We didn't text again till the following day. I just wished him and his kids a good day. Well while I was at the store with my S 12, he dropped off my mail at my apartment and saw that the name inside had my 1st XH last name and my XH sent me a text asking how long it was like that. I told him that it was labeled like that since my S 16 got his mail there first. He gets jealous I think but this is crazy all the moods my XH goes through and I can't read him. A 2x4 is needed please
A lot of things about what you’re going through remind me of my situation. It’s a tough place to be in, particularly when you’re inclined to take on a lot of the blame yourself and don’t see a lot recognition or remorse in your spouse. Based on your description, I’m just not seeing a lot of responsibility on your H.’s part. The idea that somehow you’re the reason he failed his kids strikes me as a particularly profound twisting of your situation.
One thing I’d suggest is reading over your post again and noting how much you’re apologizing. It seems to me that you’re apologizing a lot for both specific and general things, and you’re often doing so in response to him getting upset with you for a whole range of stuff. Are these all things that you should be apologizing for, or are you apologizing more to keep him happy and so that he’ll hopefully see that you’re contrite? A lot of what you’ve said reads to me like your XH is trying to dominate or manipulate you (testing you is a big concern) and like you’re trying to placate him or withdraw your feelings. (I say this largely because this is what I do and a friend called me on it recently, so I’ve been thinking about it – feel free to let me know if you think this isn’t the case.)
You may also want to consider that if you were to get the fresh start you want, what would have to change in order to make things work. This can be hard – I’ve been thinking about it myself and facing down the idea that things can’t stay the same is hard, particularly when I know that at some point I may have to rock the boat to get what I need. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be DBing right now. I’ve been trying to validate what my H. has been telling me as much as possible (sometimes by apologizing for what has hurt him), leaving my concerns out of the conversation for the time being, and working on myself and some of the things that have bothered him in the past that I think are worth fixing for myself. But I have a running list of things that will need to change in the back of my head, and sometimes (not always yet) it helps me keep a bit of perspective on what’s going on and the fact that there are two of us in this relationship and two of use that helped to get us here.
It also sounds to me like your H. is looking to trap you or get you into a confrontation somehow. He seems to be taking any opportunity to berate you that he can. It might be worth considering whether he’s doing this (not even necessarily intentionally) to keep you off balance and blaming yourself – it may make it easier for him to justify his actions, paint you as the crazy one, or just keep you acting in ways that work for him.
Meghan, you're right that my XH has not really owned up to his part in our M ending. He only acknowledges that he chose not to speak up. As for the apologies, I have done that a lot as I do feel they are warranted and sincere however even my XH has told me that I don't need to apologize anymore. And about the manipulate/dominate, I reread my post and yeah big time I see that he is using me as the scapegoat for the whole thing. I don't know if part of this has to do with the PTSD he is dealing with but it's like he wants to punish me?
As for what would have to change on his behalf in order to have a fresh start? I think forgiveness would be a huge one and be more flexible or tolerable of others faults and ways. I'm sure there's more but I have just been focusing on my faults and areas of improvement.
Thank you for your message and I am definitely thinking some more about our interactions and questions you asked. Reminds me of Shrek with the layers. I appreciate it Meghan
Well my last thread is at 100 so with that I am beginning a new one since now I don't think there is anything to do more for the M as it was filed yesterday and it will be finalized in a month. Today will be filled with packing. I am just so exhausted but I can rest when I am done or like they say when I'm dead
I posted on your other thread, as per your request for me to check out your situation. Dang, that thread was still open. Can you check that out or do I need to retrieve it?
What is the PTSD of your h's you keep referring to? And what is there about your past that would trigger his PTSD?
I'm confused.
But before I finish your thread, there's one thing that is very clear.
You do what you know you should NOT do, and you repeat that a lot.
Not sure how I can help you if you deliberately do what you know won't help, like reaching out to your h, who is divorcing you and saying in every way possible that he wants out and feels pressured and does NOT like it. I mean, if that won't stop you from contacting him, that amount of clarity, what will?
Don't do what does not work. That's a simple thing to grasp. It's not easy to DO, but it's not complicated to understand and you really have to get a grip.
You know you have to detach and you know that requires GAL
but all I see are your reasons for staying stuck, and NOT doing what we or the books suggest.
No program helps - if you don't follow one.
STOP contacting him. Period. GAL for real. THEN, in time, see where things go.
here's the "math" of it.
your consistent changes + sufficient time = change HE can believe in.
NO WAS returns to a marriage they left, ever...........
unless
they believe the marriage can be better/different than before.
How are you showing him that?
Hi 25 MLC, yes I did see it. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my sitch
I called my STBXH to meet up for breakfast
WHY? 
why?
which I shouldn't have done as I should just back off as he doesn't want a relationship and I need to respect his space.
I have literally lost count of how many times you have said this^^ exact sentence before. CS, you need to learn some restraint.
Seriously. How many times are you going to go down a "cheese less tunnel" before you change your behaviors? If the term "cheesless tunnel" is strange to you, read the DB or DR books again and more carefully.He has not initiated contact since the MC and
that should be an indication that it was too much for him especially with me crying during it. I need to let go
of course it is an "indication" that it's too much for him, especially added to the fact that HE SAYS it is. Plus you cannot handle contact with him in person anyhow.
Next time this issue comes up THINK IT OUT BEFORE you act.
What is the most likely result of you reaching out to him again?
His desire to reach out to you, via the MC, was possible a "cover his bases" thing and that's it.
I would have simply listened and then LISTENED some more and if pressed for an answer,
reply that you need time to process this new information.
That's it.
Do you have a good counselor? I think if you truly had a higher self esteem and believed in your heart that you are a good person and a lovable person,
then other people's opinions would not change that. Work on the self esteem b/c that's the main basic belief you must have, to rise above the smoke from others opinions.
Their data about you is not real. It has either never been true, or it's no longer true. So don't let it inside you.
If you feel that it IS true data, that you really are NOT a good person, then work on that.
Become the woman you were meant to become. (That requires professional help and there is no shame in that!)
If you feel you ARE a good person, then don't let false data inside. Let it roll off your back.
Make sense?
25, you give such clear, powerful advice. I read your replies to others and learn so much. If you have a chance to check on my thread, I would appreciate it. I value your perspective a great deal.
(Sorry to hijack your thread, CSan. Listen to 25! She's nailed it for you. Look inward! That is where you might finally find peace and love for yourself.)
Hi 25,
You really wacked me with a 2x4 and I needed it. In not following the program, I hurt my chances w my XH and did more of the same going down cheeseless tunnels. I do see an IC however not as often as I should due to money issues. Nonetheless I have quite a few books on self improvement to work on my self confidence. I haven't always felt like a bad person it's more of feeling like a failure. I I understand that my perception is very skewed when it comes to myself which is what I am working on with my IC because she thinks I am too hard on myself and expect perfection. I picked up DR again and restarted my notes. I did buy watercolors, paint brushes and paper to start painting like I used to. Sorry to digress, I do have to work on thinking before acting as being impulsive has caused more problems than help. I've seriously got to dig deeper and love myself.....I did contact my XH on my remaining furniture at the house and left it at that. He replied back politely and we will get it done this week. Other than that I have occupied myself with my kids, working and getting our apartment in order. I don't want to be the person others think I am just be a good person and like myself. I'm really glad you looked at my sitch and advised me
25, you give such clear, powerful advice. I read your replies to others and learn so much. If you have a chance to check on my thread, I would appreciate it. I value your perspective a great deal.
(Sorry to hijack your thread, CSan. Listen to 25! She's nailed it for you. Look inward! That is where you might finally find peace and love for yourself.)
I'm having trouble finding your exact thread.
Meghan,
I appreciate your message as I has so much anger and pain when I found out that the decree had come in the mail and how cold my XH sounded over his text messages about how my priorities where messed up. He seems up and down that it is confusing. To make matters worse, I drank that night at a bar with my friend and she and I ended up hanging out with the waiter. Nothing happened but my XH found out about it and was pi$$ed.
Is this your present XH or the first one? Either way, it's none of his business what you do when you are not around him or the kids. None of it is his business. HE FILED FOR DIVORCE from you so any rights he had to monitor or judge your private behavior was lost that day. Period. The end. Not negotiable.
Don't tolerate it from him. Tell him calmly that it's "wildly inappropriate for him to comment on what you do in your private time and you won't listen to it" and then leave the area if he continues. Follow thru with this boundary or you'll be hearing his spew for the rest of your life and he won't learn to respect you.
Respect is essential to love, so in a way you are teaching him NOT to love you, by listening to his rants. No more of that.
He knew about it that whole night and didn't say to me for 2 days. Apparently the waiter used to work for him and text my H to let him know and asked if it was okay to talk to me. I thought he was done with me
none of this^^^ matters. It's a NON issue for him and ought to be a non issue for you. Does not matter. Do you care what the homeless guy who lives on a street grill thinks of you? B/c that guy has the same right to comment upon and judge YOUR behavior, as your former h. and on Friday night when he confronted me about that night, he asked for my wedding rings back.
I brought them to him a
why on earth would you do that? They are yours. If the court awards them to him, THEN you give them back. Don't be a doormat...seriously. This is nuts. I don't get it at all.nd he just went off on me about how irresponsible I was and stupid for going with a stranger.
I apologized
I can barely read this. I'm slapping my forehead. WHY ARE YOU APOLOGIZING for what you did in private? What business is this of his?
Yes he's jealous and punitive and cruel and dramatic and way way out of line. And he's a control freak.
SO in his world, He gets to divorce you (making you a single woman) AND then berates you for acting like a single woman? No I don't think so.
But for you to apologize makes me really wonder where your self esteem is hiding. You need to go find it and start using it.
and said that I
thought he was done with me and I wasn't thinking.
CS, this is too unhealthy for me to keep reading. Honey you need a good IC asap. This is so out of this world I can't even address it.
Sorry.He then told me he knew about it and was testing me to see if I would come clean and us have a clean slate but I didn't and all I do is hurt him. He told me that I'm the reason why he failed his kids and that's one of the biggest reasons why he wanted the divorce. My XH then told me that I needed to spend more time with my boys and mom as she is getting sicker from the cancer and that I need to fix myself. He also said I hurt him so bad that he is numb and can't get things straight which is why he is leaving for 2 weeks after his kids leave and that this is too small of a town where he knows a lot of people and he wants to move out of town.
I did all the wrong things - tried to justify my mistakes, asked for another chance and cried. I went home got little sleep and I sent him a text if he would meet me so I could talk to him. I just wanted to apologize in person and he agreed.
You are absolutely part of the problem in your situation. I guess that is good news -- b/c if you can do YOUR WORK ---you can improve your situation. That's potentially very empowering. But you do have a lot of work to do.
CS, You seem to lack any sense of boundaries and you are too eager to supplicate a person who boldly mistreats you. You're a prime candidate for being inside abusive relationships.
If you get a chance to attend a workshop I highly recommend it b/c I think weekly therapy, even when it's good, can be fragmented. That's b/c when you make a break thru, SOMETIMES you then have to pick up the kids or go back to work and then the next week, start all over again. If you attend a GOOD workshop for a long weekend, the continuity can help you identify and solve some problem areas and come up with an action plan and follow up support.
Check out "Essential Experience" (aka "EE") which is in Philadelphia, which is the best one I've been to. Believe me, they are not all alike.
"Landmark" is another workshop for personal growth but it is different and helps some folks a lot, but for ME, was too focussed on recruitment.
EST can also be great but for ME was a bit harsh. I LOVE "EE". I think it's by far the most profound experience in personal growth and insight that I have ever had.
I have heard that "Lifespring" is similar to EE, but I don't have direct experience with it.
ANyhow, EE would help you identify your issues and help you work thru them and NOT be crippled by insecurities. You'd learn that you are a good person and you DO deserve to be treated well and you'd learn this at a gut level, which I think is missing in your work.
You seem to THINK more clearly than you FEEL, and those feelings affect how you behave - and then you are stuck with some impulsive actions and their aftermath. That'a s troublesome pattern. But it IS solvable.
EE was so good for me that when I came home at the airport, my h said he could SEE a difference in me. A few months later HE went and then, we went together. Boy was that amazing. I had thought we had a good marriage before we went to EE but afterwards when we went together we got so much closer.
If not for that experience and the years of closeness it created for us, I would not have made the 2 year effort at DBIng and would not be married today...and for my h to attend a touchy feely workshop (it's more than that, but to our ears that is what it sounded like at the time)
says a lot for my h to go. He was an Army officer at the time, and sure enough when we both got back, a few people in our offices went. From the ARMY! It's even tax deductible!
Some DBers have attended it (autumn leaves, StubbornDyke, PowerOf Now, Lucky Luke, and some others who's names escape me at the moment)but ALL said it was "Life changing".
Think about that^^^...The folks there are well qualified. B'c it's "experiential" you cannot rehearse or edit your answers and you WILL discover things about yourself you did not know. Perhaps more importantly, they will help YOU SOLVE your problems, not just see them.
DO Check it out. It's key for you b/c a lot of your issues are not directly related to your marriage - but they affect the marriage.
Some of these issues are deeply engrained in you, they are yours alone to work on (however much they affect the rest of your life.)
While your h is not responsible for your self esteem, I can see how little he helps it.
Do you get what I'm saying?
We met up at Starbucks and he began by saying that he hates being angry with me. He then waited for me to say what I needed to say
. I apologized for hurting him and making him feel humiliated and for behaving recklessly.
(SLAPS FOREHEAD!!!) 
You "made" him feel nothing! We do not "make" someone else feel anything and this is another example of you having no boundaries.
That's like saying you "made him feel bad about himself!" In fact it's exactly like that.
I cannot read your post anymore. Please forgive me - but this is too frustrating for me.
Sweetie, you need professional help and there is no shame in that. But do get it.
Most of us did! I did, thank God!
You need to take charge of your own life, for real, and maybe for the first time. You know, many people do not know how to do that.
Imagine your life were a novel. Okay? So your life Is a book. How do you like how THIS chapter has gone??
So either go to a workshop and get started being the author of the book of your life, (so YOU write the next chapter, and the next, & the rest, and don't let someone else write it unless you want someone else directing how YOUR life goes but it's your job to write your book, you know?) --
AND OR get a GOOD solution based therapist - and do it that way
(Not someone who sits there and merely lets you rehash your past, and all the problems you HAD, but rather, someone who shows you new behaviors to fix the problems, and gives you TOOLS for that).
Make sense?
He said he didn't want me to get hurt and affect my boys and he didn't want anything to happen to me. He said he was still fine seeing, texting and me like for coffee. H I apologized for ruining our chance for a new start and he said I'm not taking that off the table. He then said let's go for a short ride on his bike and he also said that I could hold him. The ride was nice and when we got off he pulled me in for a hug and then a kiss on the cheek which I went for his lips. I apologized and he said it was fine. We hugged again and this time he kissed me on my lips. We didn't text again till the following day. I just wished him and his kids a good day. Well while I was at the store with my S 12, he dropped off my mail at my apartment and saw that the name inside had my 1st XH last name and my XH sent me a text asking how long it was like that. I told him that it was labeled like that since my S 16 got his mail there first. He gets jealous I think but this is crazy all the moods my XH goes through and I can't read him
. A 2x4 is needed please
What is needed, is for you to change.