Well my wife's family lied to our kids today that mom would be too busy to visit and probably picked up wife from psychiatric ward at local hospital. Kids are very upset and angry.
I am now thinking the best thing to protect myself and my kids will be to file for divorce on Monday. I expect a nasty fight. I will be seeking full custody of my daughters. I will also seek child support and full ownership of the house.
Unfortunately my wife is mentally ill. The kids have visited her over the past week and have seen this as well. My wife tried recently to give one daughter Valium for a cold. She is not well and needs help. Unfortunately the medical community has let her down by releasing her this early. My kids have asked me why they would do this given how sick she is.
Boy, can things get any worse?
LT I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position, it must be heartbreaking
you have to do what's right for you & your children though, I'm sure you haven't come to this conclusion lightly.
I hope your W gets the help that she clearly needs & your children aren't too badly affected by this, your an amazing father and they are very lucky to have you.
Take care of yourself.
LT, sounds like you are continuing to handle the situation well and are in a tough position.
IMO you cannot go wrong by taking care of yourself, your daughters and maintaining some compassion for your W's struggles.
Stay strong!
So, today I am feeling anger towards my wife. Last year she kept screwing up the divorce regardless of how many agreements we did. All during this period I told her I was against divorce but would not stand in her way. She ran out of money for her attorney and pulled the divorce. This time when I don't say anything but lets get it done she tries to commit suicide 1/2 hour later.
What I am feeling anger about is that I feel like a hostage. Everything that has happened has been the product of her mental illness and the toll it has taken on our family.
Right now now I have decided that she still needs to file for the divorce. I am afraid I will just go through last year again with her screwing it up and lots of money spent.
I am trying to concentrate on taking care of my daughters and myself right now. I am afraid if I were to file she will try suicide again and if she files and I don't fight it she will also try suicide again. I feel like I am dammed if I do and dammed if I don't. Boy, do I have stuff to talk over with counselor tomorrow.
Hi Lifes Twists,
Thank you for posting on my thread. I really appreciate it. You sure sounf in turmoil...
I am trying to concentrate on taking care of my daughters and myself right now.
That ^^^ is all the advice that i could offer, along with what the people have posted above. Sure, help your wife if she needs some immediate physical assistance, be the friendly neighbour...compassion and understanding may be the best things you can offer her right now. Going by what i have read of your situation on your thread, focussing on your marriage would not be at the top of your to-do list? It seems clear that your wife won't be ready to deal with it, at least the short term.
Your daughters will need you more than ever right now. They must be hurting - even if they aren't showing it. Do you have any family members who could help out? Someone the kids get along with?
I hope that what i have written is not offensive to you. I only offer it up in the hope i might assist in some small way.
Hi Prometheus,
I never take offense at words when offered in support.
Right now I have my elderly parents to help me out. Unfortunately my wife's sister took the opportunity to make this another all about her situation and lied to my daughters. This caused my daughters some pain and anger that I had to deal with. Basically, I cannot rely on my wife's family for anything but trouble. I am now basically shutting them out and focusing on my daughters.
My wife's family is doing their usual to set my wife up in another situation that she cannot handle. Instead of taking her in at one of their houses to give her time to recoup and heal, they have chosen to return her to the apartment she shared with our girls where she will be left alone. I am so angry with their pour decisions. I pray my wife will get the help she needs and survives in spite of her families actions.
I have a very busy life now compared to just a couple weeks ago. My middle daughter has her senior prom this coming Friday. I am taking all three girls out some evening to the Cheese Cake Factory to celebrate my oldest getting straight As for her second semester of college. I have to start setting up for my youngest having her 15th birthday. I is going to be a campout and bonfire in the back yard next weekend. So I am running all the time now and not much of a chance to catch my breath. Advice for anyone who is trying to figure out how to GAL I can suggest getting three teenage girls in your home:)
So, most of life is good right now. The other part will just have to work its way out one way or the other.
The weekend has been good so far. My middle daughter had her senior prom Friday evening. She looked fantastic and I was so proud how she handled everything since her mother was unavailable. I heard she turned quite a few heads at the prom.
Yesterday the girls went to the amusement park for a while. I picked the youngest up there late in the day and we got a bite to eat and went to cabela's to get fishing supplies. She suprised me this spring by asking me to take her fishing. The older two where going to a bonfire and sleep over last night. No calls so must have gone good.
I have not heard from nor tried to call wife. My understanding is her family has moved her back into the apartment. I expect they will leave her alone there without much of a support system.
I have decided to not push anything. If she wants to pursue the divorce, she will have to file herself. I hope she does not go the divorce route right now. DCF has recommended I pursue custody of our daughters through the court system. If a divorce were to be started, I expect my wife would loose custody, she would have to pay child support. I also suspect she may loose the house because of the damage she has caused to both our credit.
My daughters have seen her twice since she got out. They saw her on Monday. They did not go on Tuesday or Wednesday. On Wednesday my wife did something I have never sen her do. She called to girls to see how they were doing. I hope this is a small sign of some good changes.
I continue to focus on myself and my girls. They have lots of plans for things to do. I am having quite a change of life now with them fully back in my life. What an incredible change of circumstances from one year ago.
This has been a god weekend so far. On Friday we had the sleep over birthday party for my now 15 year old. Even though it rained everyone had a good time. I was able to sneak in a few pictures.
The girls are settling in. I think they are all happier now that they have room to spread out a bit and not be in each others faces all the time in a cramped apartment. Sibling will fight, just not at the level of what was happening.
The girls see their mother at times. I don't push it, just let them decide when they will do it. I feel if she wants to see them she needs to reach out. Right now most of the times she has been contacting them its to remind them of an appointment and such. I hope she will eventually reach out to ask them to do fun things. It would be good for her to figure out how to have fun and let go a bit. She could learn to try some of the things the girls want to do and be less uptight about it. I hope her therapy will help her in trying to be less serious all the time.I hope she will allow the girls to se that they can have fun with their mom too.
I am not contacting her unless it is about something regarding the girls. I keep it short and too the point. I think it is best to go limited to no contact and let her travel down her own path. I am hoping her family will get less involved with her life. They all have issues of their own and all should be in some level of counseling as they all probably have some level of depression.I think they will keep my wife from having the opportunity to heal as long as they push their own issues onto her. I say a prayer for her each day that she will learn that happiness comes from within and that it cannot be chased.
Today we are doing stuff around the house and getting ready to go surf fishing in Rhode island tomorrow. The girls have been asking me to take them since January.Should be a fun day with my girls.
LT, glad to hear that things have stabilized a bit.
Nice to hear that even in these difficult times you still seem to have some empathy for what W is experiencing. Speaks to who you are as an individual.
Thoughts and prayers are with you.
Hope the fishing was good. Stay strong!
Thanks Semperfi. Beach was cold so girls did not last long. We will go again soon.
It has been a month since wife tried to commit suicide. Life in the house is now starting to be what I think is typical for a father raising three teen daughters. The girls are starting to open up and share things with me that they would have gone to their mom before. I am learning as every father does how to accept boys in the house. I feel my daughters like having someone who wants to know where they are and when they are coming home. At first they told me to butt out, that mom never asked and they came and left when they wanted. They seem to be accepting that I am not telling them what to do, but rather concerned for their well being. It has been a big change in my role for them. I used to have to be the enforcer. My wife pushed me into that role. I can see now that I like this role better and it is more balanced than before.
I don't know much about my wife situation. I have not spoken to her in a month. I know that her family seems to be rotating through to stay with her. I am glad that they are at least doing that.
My plan right now is to continue to build on the good things going on between me and my girls. I am going to try and also get a bit of a life outside my girls when it seems right. I don't plan on any contact with my wife. I will wait till she reaches out to me. For now I work on myself.
Hey there LT, just thinking about your situation.
Let us know how things are going when you have a minute.
Thanks for asking SemperFi,
I am very busy with my daughters right now. It has been quite a change for me to have them home. I am enjoying it greatly. Spending time with my kids are my GAL activity for now. I hope to do some things for myself soon, but they come first.
I have not talked to my wife in a month now. My only attempts have been regarding health issues with my girls and even then she won't respond. I suspect part of it is her anger that the kids are all with me and not having any issues or acting like I am a psycho. She so tried to convince them I was dangerous. They are seeing the truth now and I don't believe feeding into my wife families issues. I think given the option of living her or in a cramped apartment they will choose here. I have another appointment with DCF tomorrow,but expect things to continue to go fine.
So my life has just about come full circle except for my wife. I can accept that. Her problems are hers and I won't allow her to push them onto me again without a fight. I do pray that she gets the help she needs and will heal.
Well, I just found a court summons that was dropped off with my youngest today. I was expecting it. From the date on it I can see my father in law rushed my wife down to an attorney almost as soon as she got out of the hospital. I am at peace with this right now. I have to concentrate on my kids and get primary residential custody of the youngest. I don't feel my wife can handle it emotionally nor do I feel my children should go through that again. I have emailed my attorney and will ask him to file a counter claim to give me the decision in the end if she falls apart again.
I just caught up on your most recent happenings. You've certainly been through the wringer and it's probably going to get worse before it gets better.
Keep the focus on you and your Ds and what you can realistically do considering the circumstances.
Thanks labug,
Surprisingly I left well last night. First time in quite a while.I think its because some of the unknown has been lifted. I also think I am more at peace with the direction now than I was a year ago when it all started. I know now the wife has to go down her own path that she has chosen to go down. I also feel I have a better handle on how far her mental illness has progressed and know she needs help that is beyond my abilities. I do wish her well.
I meet with my lawyer tomorrow. He gave me a surprisingly low retainer. He feels comfortable that a lot of the ground work is already done her lawyer will be doing a lot of catching up since he is new to the situation.
Almost all of my focus is on my girls right now. I think they are feeling better now than they have in quite a while. My next issue will be keeping them here and not thrown back into the emotional pit that is the apartment with my wife. I hope that the court will assign their primary residence with me. I should know by the end of the month.
I know now the wife has to go down her own path that she has chosen to go down.
Do you think your W chose this road? How's that? It seems she has a pretty active mental illness right now, something that's probably out of her control.
Your Ds are soaking all this in and how you respond to your W's illness will be with them forever. One of them may have depression (or something else) in the future.
She will always be their mother, always. Compassion and acceptance goes a long way and touches our succeeding generations.
Hi labug,
What i wrote did not come out the way I meant it too. I actually do know it is an illness. I have stuck by her through many ups and downs as this illness has progressed. I spend a lot of time with my daughters right now and explain to them that it is an illness and we need to all pray that their mother gets the help she needs to over come it and get better. I have stood by her through a lot including this past year and been consistent in not running her down and in my support of her even though she had left me. I m trying to set the example for my daughters to not abandon someone when things go bad and that family comes first no matter what. I think that the fact they are all back living with me including my oldest and are seeking guidance from me speaks volumes to my efforts. I still don't want a divorce and have hopes for the future. I have to do what I have to do to protect my daughters for now. I met with my attorney this morning and left with the understanding that everything would be to protect the girls and that I wanted my wife to suffer as little to no emotional suffering as possible. I am not even asking for child support. All I seek is to be able to stay in the house till the kids are through school as they have been uprooted enough. I am asking to not pay alimony because I need the money for the kids. I asked that her car be paid off or refinanced in order to remove my name so my credit is not damaged anymore than it has been. I need it to be good enough to co sign student loans for my daughters as my wife has destroyed hers this past year. I am not asking her to finish paying me so I can pay off the loan I took to pay off her attorney from the last go round. I think I have shown a lot of compassion and acceptance and hope my girls will learn from my example and be able to do the same if they ever have to.
So, I am sitting here this warm afternoon struggling with what to do. I met with my lawyer and he says that my wife actions have actually simplified the divorce. You might think I am relieved with that, unfortunately I got more difficult news to deal with. I met with my pulmonologist and he gave me some news that made me sit back. I have never smoked in my life. Apparently I have a life threatening lung condition. They are still trying to give it an exact name. he told me that he wants to determine if I will need a lung transplant as soon as possible as the wait is a long one.
My struggle right now is do I tell anyone. I can't tell the wife due to her issues. I don't want to upset the kids as I am seeing them getting a bit settled after a year of upheaval.My parents are too elderly and won't handle it well and just make the situation worse. I am trying to apply some of what I have learned here and trying to detach from it a little till I know more. Just when I thought some of my life was getting on a better track something else comes along.
LT, so sorry to hear your ill. I'm sure it couldn't have come at a worse time, but you seem to be handling it well. I think setting it aside until you know more is the right thing. You can't leap to conclusions if Dr.'s aren't able to give you any facts yet.
A lot has been going on this week. The wife wants to have bed rooms in bot places for the girls. I told her that I supported it, but had some requests from DCF. She contacted DCF herself and got the same answer that I gave her. I told her I still support the idea and we should meet with the lawyers to figure it out.
I followed this with a call back to a head hunter concerning a job. I presently have a job, but will entertain better offers. He forwarded my resume to the company and they immediately set up a phone interview. They followed up the phone interview with a request for an in person interview, so I have my fingers crossed.
My middle daughter graduated High School on Friday. Her boy friend and I sat together. I asked my younger two to sit with their mother. I think it went well.
Since the graduation I have had some time to clear my head and consider things. I want to continue on my own growth and be the kind of person that I hope to become. This includes having compassion for others and taking time to think things through before reacting.
To this end I have considered all that has happened in the past 6 weeks as well as what happened last year when I had a bad reaction to medication. I realize the fear that my daughters felt because of my reaction to the medication and the loneliness I felt till I was able to reestablish our relationship. I feel right now my two youngest are showing that same fear with their mother. To try and help them through this I continue to talk to them and encourage them to spend time with their mother.
I have also decided to have them go down today and get the rooms at the apartment set up so they can stay with their mother. I am planning on them staying with her at least on Friday and saturday evenings to start.
This may not be what DCF has envisioned. I know with my conversation with them this week that they expect me to make sure the girls are safe. I feel that I can get the feed back from my girls if something is not right and we can do something about it. My hope is my wife will begin to be happier and less sad. If this happens I know my girls will be happier as well. Their happiness will be the best Fathers Day gift I can ask for. Crossing my fingers and hoping things go smoothly.
Hi labug,
What i wrote did not come out the way I meant it too. I actually do know it is an illness. I have stuck by her through many ups and downs as this illness has progressed. I spend a lot of time with my daughters right now and explain to them that it is an illness and we need to all pray that their mother gets the help she needs to over come it and get better. I have stood by her through a lot including this past year and been consistent in not running her down and in my support of her even though she had left me. I m trying to set the example for my daughters to not abandon someone when things go bad and that family comes first no matter what. I think that the fact they are all back living with me including my oldest and are seeking guidance from me speaks volumes to my efforts. I still don't want a divorce and have hopes for the future. I have to do what I have to do to protect my daughters for now. I met with my attorney this morning and left with the understanding that everything would be to protect the girls and that I wanted my wife to suffer as little to no emotional suffering as possible. I am not even asking for child support. All I seek is to be able to stay in the house till the kids are through school as they have been uprooted enough. I am asking to not pay alimony because I need the money for the kids. I asked that her car be paid off or refinanced in order to remove my name so my credit is not damaged anymore than it has been. I need it to be good enough to co sign student loans for my daughters as my wife has destroyed hers this past year. I am not asking her to finish paying me so I can pay off the loan I took to pay off her attorney from the last go round. I think I have shown a lot of compassion and acceptance and hope my girls will learn from my example and be able to do the same if they ever have to.
You're doing a fine job. I think you would agree, until you've lived with someone with MI, you have no idea what that life can be like. ((( )))
The post I responded to had a different vibe, I was just getting clarification on what you wrote.
Sometimes you have to walk away. Doesn't mean you don't love and support, but we all have boundaries (hopefully).
So, I am sitting here this warm afternoon struggling with what to do. I met with my lawyer and he says that my wife actions have actually simplified the divorce. You might think I am relieved with that, unfortunately I got more difficult news to deal with. I met with my pulmonologist and he gave me some news that made me sit back. I have never smoked in my life. Apparently I have a life threatening lung condition. They are still trying to give it an exact name. he told me that he wants to determine if I will need a lung transplant as soon as possible as the wait is a long one.
My struggle right now is do I tell anyone. I can't tell the wife due to her issues. I don't want to upset the kids as I am seeing them getting a bit settled after a year of upheaval.My parents are too elderly and won't handle it well and just make the situation worse. I am trying to apply some of what I have learned here and trying to detach from it a little till I know more. Just when I thought some of my life was getting on a better track something else comes along.
Wow, that's a punch in the gut you didn't need.
I think your plan to detach and learn more is a very good one. Take it a day at a time. Did the doc at least give you a couple of ideas on what it might be?
I'm just catching up, thus all the posting.
Do the girls want to stay with mom? Do they feel safe?
Hi labug,
The Dr showed me lots of cat scan images and then gave me a few ideas. He at least was the first to do this. He has some tests set up which I am sure will have more to follow.
My girls have always tended to flea in fear than to confront it. When they were little the neighbors got a small puppy. The girls saw it and ran for the house and refused to go out. We went and got a puppy then and they learned to gt over that fear and love that dog to this day. We have faced other fears with them and found for them the best solution was to create the situation where they could face and conquer their fears. I am hoping this will be the same situation. My oldest has said to me her mom seems sad and has mentioned that she needs to find something to do now that she does not have her daughters with her. My hope is that having them get their rooms in order down there and then staying will help the fears as well as their mothers sadness. I believe the girls feel safe. I think they are just afraid to do the wrong thing and cause their mother to try again. I keep reassuring them that they were not the cause and that they need to treat their mother in a regular fashion and not be afraid.
LT, just checking in. Congrats on getting the 2nd one thru high school.
Thoughts and prayers are with you. Sounds like you are handling difficult situation(s) in the best way possible.
Stay strong!
Your Ds are all old enough to know what they feel safe with and who they feel safe with, whether it's your W or a stranger. Maybe asking them, if you haven't already, would give some insight. By asking you show you understand and respect them and are allowing them a safe place to share their fears, if they have any. If they say they don't feel safe you have some other decisions to make.
I'm all for keeping families together but sometimes it has to be done in creative ways.
Hi SemperFi,
Things are good and bad right now. Last Friday I got laid off due to lack of work. I had been looking for work, but had stop with the suicide attempt and all. I am relieved to some degree as the place was getting bad in terms of the working environment.
The girls and I are getting along real well.
The girls are starting to spend time with their mother. The problem is that I just found out this morning that she is drinking again.This is a major setback for her. My oldest is trying to get her to AA. She has agreed to go with my oldest.
We were supposed to meet today with the lawyers to discuss parenting plan. She begged off as being unable to met with me at this point. The two lawyers are meeting. Mine is aware that she is drinking again. I am hoping that they will find a way to get her help so she does not loose access to the kids.
I am of course struggling with all that is going on. My lawyer is going to get me a new counselor who has a focus on substance abuse and families to give me a better support for how to handle this situation. See how things go.
Thanks for the update. Sorry to hear about the setbacks.....
Stay strong - you can get thru this.......
Thoughts and prayers are with you.
Thanks SemperFi,
I have had to do some deep evaluation of the situation over the last week. My wifes mental illness is a huge issue unless she gets the help she needs. She won't even communicate with me concerning the kids. Her family continues to push her to get the divorce finalized. I have to consider that if the divorce is the focus, her fixation, she will never get an opportunity to get healthy.
I don't consider my decision to be dropping the rope. I feel her fixation on the divorce being the means to her happiness to be a road block to her getting well. I have asked my attorney to take the draft agreement my wife and I worked on, make some changes based on the present situation, and send a draft outline to her attorney. My hope is an agreement can be worked out and finalized.
I hope that with the divorce, my wife can begin to heal. She won't have it to fixate on. She will hopefully learn that happiness has to come from within. I am not giving up on her, just taking a different path than I wanted in order for her to hopefully heal.
I will continue to focus on my girls and my health. I will plan a new life for myself without my wife. I am considering getting my teaching certificate and teaching high school math. I will not seek out my wife at this point, but continue to become the person only a fool would leave. If my wife gets healthy and seeks me out, I will see where I m at that point and where life will lead me.
Get a D if you want but don't do it thinking it's going to heal her. I know your situation is very difficult and confusing but make your decisions based on what's best for you and your Ds.
It's OK to say, I don't want to be married to someone with a serious mental illness who can't/won't seek treatment.
Have you checked out AlAnon for you and AlAteen for your Ds? Great resource for friends and family in which alcohol is a problem.
Thanks labug,
I have thought things through and I feel that I am making decisions based on what best for my daughters, myself and finally my wife in that order.
My oldest confided in me this weekend that she has been talking with her mother. Her mother told her that our middle daughter pushed her to hard with her needs and pushed her over the edge. She told my oldest that she did not want my middle daughter to ever move back in with her. I could see how upset my oldest was carrying this kind of information. I held her and told her that she should not be put in the position of having this put on her. That her mother blaming her sister for what happened along with the continued drinking were indications that their mother was not getting well yet and probably was not getting the help she needed.
I am pushing forward on the divorce to get it settled. I feel this will allow things to settle down and give my daughters a sense of some stability in their lives.
I am pushing the divorce so I can settle my life, regroup and chart a new direction for it.
I have looked into alanon. I am planning on going. I am also looking for a new counselor for my self. My present counselor is family oriented and not strong in the area of substance abuse. I feel that she is mostly a sounding boar for me right now and is not challenging me in any way.
I will be talking to my attorney this morning. I am asking him to send a draft divorce agreement to her attorney. In it he will have to discuss the children, what wife needs to do in regards to the drinking and the consequences if she chooses not to work on it. I have to have this in place based on conversations with DCF. If I don't and something happens when they are with her I can be held negligent.
I am hoping that this will bring closure to this sad chapter of our lives. I plan on it allowing a new start and maybe a happy ending.
Yesterday I had to review a draft agreement concerning our daughters that my lawyer drew up.The proposed agreement was drawn up because my wife backed out of a meeting set up between us with the lawyers. The meeting was to discuss the girls and set boundaries and restrictions on their visitation given the situation. I believe my wife backed out because she had resumed drinking and that it could become part of the subject. I actually di not find out about it until after the time for the meeting. Because of the resumption of the drinking, DCF, and the girls safety, the language in the proposed agreement is much stronger than I would like. I can see my wife viewing it as me trying to control things which will lead her to be more angry. I don't have much choice in order to protect the girls and myself from further intrusion of DCF into our lives.
I feel like I am caught between a rock and a hard place. On one hand I see the need to do this for the safety of our children. On the other hand I see it as another wedge between my wife and myself. I am grasping onto one hope that my wifes love of being a mother for her girls will will push her to do what she needs to do to get well.
I sit here tearing up a bit and wondering how to pick up the pieces and keep moving forward.
The language has to be strong.
How she takes it is how she takes it. You know you're doing the best you can for the Ds. (they do have an IC, right?)
Boundary-less people always get angry when people set boundaries. it's a given.
Hi labug,
The girls definitely have their own IC.
I am in the process of getting a new one for myself. I talked with my lawyer and he feels that I need more than just someone who listens to me. he recommends I find someone who has more experience with substance abuse and helping people associated with a substance abuser. I am looking for some with this experience who is solutions based.
My lawyer sent me the final draft of the agreement before it goes to her attorney. he added a few changes to it that I requested. One is to give us the ability to modify the length of visitation without going back to court. I also extended the original length a bit longer to include the whole day on Sunday. My lawyer added an additional requirement for her to attend AA at least once a week.
I told him to go ahead and send it. My feeling is they will come back with requested changes. Then the back and forth really begins as my lawyer also filed for a date in the court which will probably be in about two weeks.
I agree with the statement that boundary less people get angry about boundaries. My wife also struggled with simple boundaries like call if you are going to be late. I can't imagine how she will react to stronger ones.