Going Crazy!!! Here is my story..... - 04/18/14 08:27 AM
Wow – how did I find myself here? I want to thank the creators of this forum, and all those who contribute their experiences and ideas. This has truly relieved so much despair, and quite possibly save my marriage. And if it doesn’t, let my experience help others – may they be ok. And this is my story…
We dated for 6 yrs, been married for 11yrs. No kids, step son 21. H 43 (me), W42 Swingers for last 8 years. I want to stay together and save this marriage.
Were separated for 8 months in 2010, currently together in the same house.
Dropped the D bomb 4-12-14 after leaving for a week visiting relatives and to think. Possible random OM while away. Have been others. I have had others as well, so karma is a bitch. Will not try counseling.
We cried together for the first few days, sobbing like we lost a loved one. Or we lost our dream of love we had. It was tragic.
We both have been neglecting talking about our relationship, stuck dealing with huge financial troubles for the last 4 years. About to file BK, house in foreclosure… whole nine yards.
Reasons given:
1. Not attracted to me anymore. Feels it’s a Mother/Son relationship. We are both employed, but I bring home the lionshare. Didn’t become unhealthy, pick up any bad habits ect.
2. Don’t help around the house (cleaning, laundry, dishes). This is true. I never refuse to help her, but rarely take the initiative to perform those duties.
3. Were getting older and it’s time to be “happy’. Happy equals divorced at this point.
4. Knows I always wanted a child, and she did too while younger. But now has decided it’s too late for her.
This has left me in a whirlwind of despair, pain, anger, sadness. I’m going crazy. We still talk, watch tv together but sleep in separate rooms. There is no more ‘I love you’ from her, and feel she’s definitely made up her mind.
Naturally I did all the things you’re NOT supposed to do (listed on Sandi2’s list). I told her I loved her, was affectionate while watching tv, bought flowers home, cooked dinners. Snooped around on her phone/email. Just going crazy!!!
And finally last night I couldn't sleep, so rented ‘Secret life of Walter Mitty’. Inspirational. Then I googled and found DB! I stayed up all night, reading other stories, Sandi2’s rules and the 180 method. And at this point it’s a hail marry, so I’m committed to the 180. I also realized how I have contributed to the Mother/Son perception in the relationship – which isn’t very attractive.
I started right away with Sandi2’s list… and doing a 180:
As I was up all night I became hungry. It was 5:30am and I cooked a few eggs. As I was eating, my W woke up and came into the room. She couldn’t sleep anymore, so she wanted to cook eggs as well. She asked me where the fry pan was. I told her it was hanging on the pot rack. She was SHOCKED. She said ‘you always leave dirty pans on the stove’ (TRUE). I didn’t even acknowledge her pleasant surprise. Left it at that 
After sleeping for a few hours, I was in full Sandi2/180 mode: Confident, pleasant, no more longing hugs, inquiries about her day. I even dressed nicer before heading to work.
And I have to say, I was happier today - everywhere! I continued to beam, and tonight I even sat apart while watching tv, returned her calls after 15 mins, no more ‘love talk’ ect….
NOW, on to the question:
1. How far should I take this 180 idea in respect for dating others? I’m assuming it’s too much to start randomly dating or listing a profile on dating sites to increase value or the perception of moving on.
We dated for 6 yrs, been married for 11yrs. No kids, step son 21. H 43 (me), W42 Swingers for last 8 years. I want to stay together and save this marriage.
Were separated for 8 months in 2010, currently together in the same house.
Dropped the D bomb 4-12-14 after leaving for a week visiting relatives and to think. Possible random OM while away. Have been others. I have had others as well, so karma is a bitch. Will not try counseling.
We cried together for the first few days, sobbing like we lost a loved one. Or we lost our dream of love we had. It was tragic.
We both have been neglecting talking about our relationship, stuck dealing with huge financial troubles for the last 4 years. About to file BK, house in foreclosure… whole nine yards.
Reasons given:
1. Not attracted to me anymore. Feels it’s a Mother/Son relationship. We are both employed, but I bring home the lionshare. Didn’t become unhealthy, pick up any bad habits ect.
2. Don’t help around the house (cleaning, laundry, dishes). This is true. I never refuse to help her, but rarely take the initiative to perform those duties.
3. Were getting older and it’s time to be “happy’. Happy equals divorced at this point.
4. Knows I always wanted a child, and she did too while younger. But now has decided it’s too late for her.
This has left me in a whirlwind of despair, pain, anger, sadness. I’m going crazy. We still talk, watch tv together but sleep in separate rooms. There is no more ‘I love you’ from her, and feel she’s definitely made up her mind.
Naturally I did all the things you’re NOT supposed to do (listed on Sandi2’s list). I told her I loved her, was affectionate while watching tv, bought flowers home, cooked dinners. Snooped around on her phone/email. Just going crazy!!!
And finally last night I couldn't sleep, so rented ‘Secret life of Walter Mitty’. Inspirational. Then I googled and found DB! I stayed up all night, reading other stories, Sandi2’s rules and the 180 method. And at this point it’s a hail marry, so I’m committed to the 180. I also realized how I have contributed to the Mother/Son perception in the relationship – which isn’t very attractive.
I started right away with Sandi2’s list… and doing a 180:
As I was up all night I became hungry. It was 5:30am and I cooked a few eggs. As I was eating, my W woke up and came into the room. She couldn’t sleep anymore, so she wanted to cook eggs as well. She asked me where the fry pan was. I told her it was hanging on the pot rack. She was SHOCKED. She said ‘you always leave dirty pans on the stove’ (TRUE). I didn’t even acknowledge her pleasant surprise. Left it at that 
After sleeping for a few hours, I was in full Sandi2/180 mode: Confident, pleasant, no more longing hugs, inquiries about her day. I even dressed nicer before heading to work.
And I have to say, I was happier today - everywhere! I continued to beam, and tonight I even sat apart while watching tv, returned her calls after 15 mins, no more ‘love talk’ ect….
NOW, on to the question:
1. How far should I take this 180 idea in respect for dating others? I’m assuming it’s too much to start randomly dating or listing a profile on dating sites to increase value or the perception of moving on.