I am new here and hopeful that I can turn the issues in my marriage around. I obtained a copy of the Divorce Remedy book and so much makes sense and confirms my belief that our issues are common as well as fixable with some work.
First couple years of our marriage were great, then we bought big house/lots of property/acquired alot of animals responsibility. Little by little we grew more and more disconnected never taking any time for us.
When we did, it was like spending time with a sibling, spark was gone. I think we both realized it. I wasnt sure how to fix it, and he thinks it just means we dont belong together.
This came to a head 5 years ago, he was going to move out, but decided to give it another try. Well, we didnt try. I dont think we knew how. Our communication skills are lacking big time.
He also made a change in his employment which has been slow to render results, which i think is also causing him some stress. I have a stable career, good retirement and vacation. He has none of this which hurts him i am sure.
For the last year we have been walking aound like zombies hardly speaking words. It came to a head about 2 weeks ago. He is 'done', wants to sell out and move into a house by himself. Selling out or downsizing would be fine with me, but of course I want to continue our marriage.
I am trying to focus on myself, spending time with the grandkids, go to the gym, gardening, sewing etc. Hoping that this will bring out my original me.
But he has completely tuned me out. Working day and night (on our property) and at night, he sits at the counter at the computer with headphones on watching YouTube.
Me-56 Him-55
2nd marriage for both of us
We each have 2 childen, 6 grandkids.
Married 13 years, met 14 years
Still sleeping in the same bedroom but diff beds.
No sex for over 1 year
Welcome to the board
Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power
Yes, I do have the gift of time.
His birthday is in 2 days, I bought him a gift and would like to bake him a cake. I am worried about how he will react, if he will turn it down since he has 'made up his mind'. "Stop Trying" type of response. I am expecting the worse and hope that I can just through it should that happen. I wondered if i should just not do anything to avoid this type of conflict, but he's still my husband and I love him and I feel this is the right action to take.
The last few days it seems that we have had more 'business conversations' a few little laughs, so i feel that things might be a little better. Hoping for more baby steps.
Regarding --- Get out and GAL.
What is GAL?
I just dont understand. So tomorrow is H's birthday, asked him if I could take him to the ballgame. The response was no, dont you remember i am moving out. We are over. This then took us into a vicious circle convesation about why. He continually says he is 'done' which about flips me out. I ask him to be more specific to help me understand. He admited that he feels like I dont really love him, that I want him for convenience, want the marriage for our things, for our family. We dont have anything. I admitted to him that i know i have been taking us for granted for along time, that i havent supported or appreciaed things he has done for me for a long time. We have disconnected but i know of we touched, held hands, just slept together and had fun and spent a little time together we could make this work. He doesnt want it to work. I cried. I dont know what to do. I am not giving up. He has gone to bed now. I am going to give him a gift I bought in the morning and will try to make a little cake. Even tho he might refuse it. I will keep trying to be positive no matter what happens. I just dont see how anything in our marriage is so bad and just seems like he cant see it. I do love him.
Today is going ok. I gave him his gift which at first he wanted to turn down. He said again he has made up his mind and nothing is going to change it. He liked it. I wondered if i should have ignored his bday altoghether, but i feel that i have to continue to show him that i care, no matter what. He is still somewhat cold to me, which i dont understand. So much of this i dont understand.
Moderator? I feel like i am talking to myself, and not sure how this works or what i need to do? Please help.
Your posts will be on moderation for a while, meaning they will be read by a moderator before being released to show up. After you post for a while, you will become a member and your posts will show immediately. post often until then.
Let us know more details of your situation, what you think caused it, etc.
There is a topic containing abbreviations near the top of the "For Newcomers" list.
GAL = Get A Life - the concept that while you cannot control or change your spouse, you can better yourself and prepare for whatever comes.
If you haven't read Divorce Remedy (DR)(preferred) or Divorce Busting (DB)book, do so immediately; all the concepts on this board relate back to those books.
Once you read one of those, you will understand why your husband was reluctant to take the bday gift.
Until you have read the book, you might want to take a look at the post at the top of the list called "Sandi's rules". It's a good place to start.
I understand the difficulty with the birthday. Early in my situation I had my W's birthday and I skipped the gift. I only got her a card and treated her birthday like I would a neighbor or friend. Funny but Hallmark did not have a birthday card for the recently separated spouse.
You gave a gift, nothing you can change and that is behind you. All we can do is move forward.
Have you read DR? It is required reading to understand the help you will be given here on the forum.
Cadet's response, no matter how simple, is what will begin to bring you back to center. It looks simple but will take practice and lots of work to keep up with.
Find and print out Sandi's 37 rules and study them religiously. They are simple rules that will help with your behavior towards your husband so you can hopefully move forward instead of backwards. Print these out immediately.
Finally work on yourself. You cannot change your husband, only yourself. Others will echo these words of advice over and over again, but these are the steps that will help.
Also read other threads. They may not be your exact situation but there will be tons of good advice and actions for you to learn from.
This is a marathon, not a sprint.
Thank you, I will start reading. I am overwhelmed and scared. But I have the gift of time..
Indeed you do.
And once you know what that means, you will truly appreciate it.
Please move this into your signature - it will help everyone grasp your situation quickly:
Me-56 Him-55
2nd marriage for both of us
We each have 2 childen, 6 grandkids.
Married 13 years, met 14 years
Still sleeping in the same bedroom but diff beds.
No sex for over 1 year
I am not quite sure what caused our situation, other than we have been living. Even my husband admitted yesterday that we have been living comfortably for the last few years. I felt that we got along great, we gave each other independence have our own interests, yet also did things together, travelling, movies, etc, as well as working together on our farm. We seemed to have alot of the same interests. Then about 6 months ago, i noticed that my husband brought up the fact that he has no retirement a few times. He is going to be 55. Me on the other hand have a stable career for 25 years, great salary,lot of vacation.
i have supported his decisions regarding his desires for employement. He started a business at home restoring old cars. He seems to enjoy it, but the $ is slow to come in. I have told him that we need to work together as a team to make this happen and that I here to support him. He worked long long hours, so did I. Eventually i think resentment built. We havent had sex in over a year. We have lost our connection with each other. So a few weeks ago, he announces that he will be moving into a trailer on our property. I managed to keep him living in the house. He has suggested that I find someone that i can travel with, that has the vacation i do, that is more matched with me and my plans for the future. He was in my plans for the future. I wanted to grow old with him. He now is so distant from me, we hardly talk about this situation. He works til 8:30 every night and then sits at the counter listening to youtube music. Every single night for the last 3 weeks. We are not yelling, i havent cried too much. I am seeing a therapist.
This is just a nightmare, and I am having trouble understanding what has happened and why he doesnt want to fix this.
Also, I would like to mention that we went thru something similar about 5 years ago, but we decided to work on our marriage. Well guess what... we didnt work on anything. I dont think we knew what to do. Little by little, with all of the work and responsibilities, we fell back into this loveless connectionless but comfortable marriage.
He is not having an affair - i am positive of this. I have checked his computer and phone records. He is home all day with me, and if he ever goes out to run an errand, he doenst dress up and returns immediately with the item he went for. I have never had an affair as well.
This then took us into a vicious circle convesation about why. He continually says he is 'done' which about flips me out. I ask him to be more specific to help me understand.
As another poster mentioned, you do need to read DR and Sandi's 37 rules in the newcomers section. The rules will give you some good guidelines to get you started. A big one is to stop bringing up R talks. If he does, listen and validate what he says. As hard is it is to hear, he doesn't want to talk about your feelings about it right now.
I've found that journaling my thoughts (either here or on paper) helps me to get out what I'm thinking about without actually talking about the R with my H.
^^^ good advice! I add in burning the paper on top of it-- my writings get feisty and the fire adds a little dramatic twist that I find satisfying.
GAL = Get a life (ie go do fun things for you - spa, movies, hikes, etc.)
Yes journaling gets it out of my head - so its not spinning around and around in there picking up speed and making me frantic.
But I've never thought of setting it on fire Artsy! Nice!
I add in burning the paper on top of it-- my writings get feisty and the fire adds a little dramatic twist that I find satisfying.
Love it! Maybe that's a good way for me to get my anger out!
I have been reading DR and Sandi's 37. One thing i wonder about. If one of the reasons why he feels that we need to call it quits is because he feels as though i do not love him - is it going to help his feeling of this if I GAL? Wont it just reinforce this in his eyes?
^^ have you read The 5 Love Languages? Even my IC says it's pretty spot-on in regards to how people feel/demonstrate love. Unless Quality Time is his main LL, you GAL shouldn't be bad in any way for your R.
You will see many people refer to the 5 LL. It also helps with other Rs, not just with your H. It's a good read!!
Where are the 5 love languages?
It's a book. It will only take you a couple hours to read.
One thing i am a little confused about is whether I should keep up with my wifely things, such as cooking dinner, doing the laundry for him, baking things. Or should i let him fend for himself? The problem is, he doesn't mind fending for himself. And I worry that he just might forget that i can at least take care of those types of things.
Today he worked on fixing the drywall in the house, prepping the house to sell. We still have alot to do to it to get it sold.
When he is in the house, he is all upbeat talking to the dog, or even talking to me about general stuff. How can he be upbeat with this situation?
Me-56 Him-55
2nd marriage for both of us
We each have 2 childen, 6 grandkids.
Married 13 years, met 14 years
Still sleeping in the same bedroom but diff beds.
No sex for over 1 year
I am reading the Divorce Remedy book and need some help with writing goals. We are not arguing, so cant see much improvement there. One goal i eventually want to see is that he is not sitting at the counter with those bleeping headphones on. At this point it seems like a big one. What type of goals could I try to set as baby steps? Would a good one be to be more appreciative to him for anything that he might do for me? I think that might be a good one. Its something i have control of and can then monitor if the responses to this are changing. What do you think?
I have another question - i am re-reading chapter 1 - Well-meaning friends and family. My family/friends have been nothing less than supporting. His family on the other hand is do what you have to do, etc. I am sure the differences are based on how we each are seeing the problems we have.
Is there anything that can be done to offset 'his' family sabbotaging or supporting his divorce/sellout/move ideas?
Me-56 Him-55
2nd marriage for both of us
We each have 2 childen, 6 grandkids.
Married 13 years, met 14 years
Still sleeping in the same bedroom but diff beds.
No sex for over 1 yea
So tonight I noticed that when I got home from the gym he closed up shop and came in the house. I cooked dinner and we had some pleasant business conversations. I just noticed that he wasnt as 'cold' as he has been. He is currently at the counter with those bleeping headphones. Baby steps. Maybe this all means nothing. But i am going to keep up my positive vibes and watching for ways to thank him for those little things he does.
Me-56 Him-55
2nd marriage for both of us
We each have 2 childen, 6 grandkids.
Married 13 years, met 14 years
Still sleeping in the same bedroom but diff beds.
No sex for over 1 yea
In regards to his family and support/lack of support: don't focus on it. You have no idea what they have been told or what they have told him.
He needs to make decisions based on his thoughts, not other people's opinions. You have no control over that, but it's the reality of your sitch (I'm in the same boat, btw)
Artsy, thanks. Have you been able to make any progress with your situation at all? I hope you are able to turn things around.
Can anyone help me with my previous post about goals?
I am reading the Divorce Remedy book and need some help with writing goals. We are not arguing, so cant see much improvement there. One goal i eventually want to see is that he is not sitting at the counter with those bleeping headphones on. At this point it seems like a big one. What type of goals could I try to set as baby steps? Would a good one be to be more appreciative to him for anything that he might do for me? Its something i have control of and can then monitor if the responses to this are changing. What do you think?
Thanks for asking- no movement with my H. He's hiding right now, but my GAL is rockin, so it's okay! I am truly working on me right now- figuring out what compassion looks/feels like, exploring my spirituality, spending time with D12, and keeping busy. I'm alright
(in my worst moments, I remind myself I'm not 46 years old and living on a blow-up mattress on the floor in my friend's basement. I truly am better off than H).
As far as goals, maybe swap the headphones issue out with a quality/casual time goal. Like you spend an extra hour (or whatever) doing "x" activity with your H. That way the headphones stay off for that time. Is he listening to music? Maybe figure out a way to incorporate music in to your time with him.
Have you taken the 5Love Languages questinaire? That will give you a category to start with. Men need to feel respected, though, so showing him appreciation won't hurt!
hope, one of the challenges about setting goals is turning them into actionable steps that you can take, that are within your control. So, getting your H to stop with the headphones isn't an action step you personally can take, but maybe there's something else you can do, like artsy suggested, to engage him in a different way. Appreciation when it's genuine and not forced can't hurt. I think 25years posts sometimes on people's threads about "applauding the 1% of the positives they DO do." It certainly can be hard. The 5 Love Languages book gives you some good activities to do if you struggle with that (I know I do!), like finding one thing to compliment a day, or noticing when you hear that love language from other sources (TV, out in public, etc.) and jotting down ideas you like.
Re: doing wifely things like cooking and cleaning, I think it depends on what you feel comfortable with or would want to do anyways. If you find yourself doing things and then being resentful that your H doesn't reciprocate or respond, that's not good. I did a lot of things at first because my H had made a comment that I didn't do my "share" of chores so I tried to 180 that. Over time and as I realized it was making me angry, I decided to just take care of my own cooking, dishes, laundry, etc. and he does his own now. I don't know that there's a right or wrong answer.
My H is also upbeat when we're not talking about "us", and it's very confusing. He'll be all nice to the cat, sing songs to himself, talk to me about what the neighbors are up to or things about his day... but as soon as anything about D or his stance comes up, it's like the gate comes slamming down. I don't know if it's a defense mechanism (he has told me he's been trying to stay busy to "avoid thinking about it") or if he's happy because he sees the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.. who really knows! Try your best not to concern yourself with it and maintain a positive attitude yourself.
I would add explore what detachment means. Google livestron detachment.
Your H doesn't want to be married to you right now, so step back. Give him the space he needs. Become the business partners who happen to share a house.
What GAL things are you doing?
I am ordering the 5 love languages - author Gary Chapman. Artsy, I assume the questionairre is in the book? I really appreciate all of the help from you all! It helps to talk to someone. Its so frustrating and disappointing that my husband just wants to throw everything away without telling me why or trying to fix it. Yes, he is listening to music. He told me that it allows him to go into his 'own little world'. I have no doubt that he is really stressed. I see some things in his future to help reduce the stress, and hope that it will help him see clearly. Cant wait for the book to get her.
What I dont understand is, that we have both been living very independent lives. I allow him to do what he wants for as long as he wants...if we wants to stay out in the shop all night i am ok with it. I dont nag, i dont beg him to go places with me. if i want to travel and he doesnt, he lets me go and doesnt seem to have a problem with it. I worry that any more detachment will encourage or reinforce the idea that living by himself is what he is used to and what he really wants, just because he has been doing it for so long. I am just so confused about this being alone stuff since he has had this for some time.
I need to understand how to reconnect with him if at all possible.
What GAL things am I doing? Well, I am going to the gym 3-4 times a week (I have lost over 20 pounds so far due to this mess) which has made me feel much better. I got a haircut, went shopping for some new clothes, a few sizes smaller, have been spending time with the grandkids and finishing up some princess costumes for my grand daughter. I went out for dinner by myself a couple times. Messing around with my flowers/plants around the house trying to make my house welcoming. I think i am going to seek out some movies, although the weather is so nice might have to wait for a rainy day.
Good for you, Hope! Nothing like feeling good about yourself:-)
So, not much of any kind of update. My H worked all weekend. Saturday he worked until 9pm. I had prepared dinner for him. When he finally came in the house, he saw the dinner and gave me a dirty look-telling me that he didnt approve that I made the dinner. Didnt say anything. He went in to take a shower, came in and ate the dinner. I did his laundry and sewed a ripped seam in a shirt. These are things that I have always done for him...maybe havent done in a few months. I feel like I am walking on eggshells not sure what i can and cant show him in appreciation.
Tonight he ended work early and was in the house at 7. I know that he was just exhausted from all of the work he has been doing.
He turned on the TV and sat in the chair next to me. I was finishing up some things in the other room. When I came into the living room to sit down, about 5 min later he was up and back at the kitchen counter.
He is emotionally detached.
I am determined to keep at this and not giving up.
Are there any good articles on this and how to break through this? It crazy. 3 weeks ago he was talking to me, kissed me good bye when i ran an errand and then all of a sudden a switch went off and this is happening. I dont know if he is playing some kind of terrible game, trying to push me away or stressed induced. Any help is appreciated!
Just realized that labug pointed me to livestrong detachment. I am reading!
Me 56 Him 55
Married 13, Known 14
No kids together - 4 step/6 grandkids
Hope, I'm not so sure your H is detached. He does seem to be checked out, unengaged, The article on detaching was helpful, I hope.
In a post above, there was a lot of talk about "you let him do..." and "he let you do..." Talk about that more, did you feel that you each controlled the other and you needed permission to do certain things? It sounds more like a parent child R. Is that how it felt?
I am determined to keep at this and not giving up.
Are there any good articles on this and how to break through this? It crazy. 3 weeks ago he was talking to me, kissed me good bye when i ran an errand and then all of a sudden a switch went off and this is happening. I dont know if he is playing some kind of terrible game, trying to push me away or stressed induced. Any help is appreciated!
Most of us have had a similar experience, that it was like a switch was flipped. But with time we begin to realize that there was a buildup, buried hurts and resentments and then the proverbial straw...
Did you read the DR book? It's the framework for this marathon.
You can't break through anything, all you can do is let go. Breaking through implies trying to change him and he (most likely) doesn't want to be changed.
As Cadet tells everyone in his first post, you have been given the gift of time and you can use that gift to look inside and make changes you know need to happen. We all have those issues that drive us crazy and maybe friends and family, too.
Or you can use the gift by trying to get him to change. That almost never works. What does work is when you change, the R changes and sometimes the WAS decides to take another look. Sometimes the LBS decides they don't want to take another look.
You're on a journey which has no predetermined destination. It may be a long, long journey, a marathon as some say. It's going to involve a lot of work for you, and a lot of leaving your H be.
Are you ready for that?
Hope, I'm not so sure your H is detached. He does seem to be checked out, unengaged, The article on detaching was helpful, I hope.
In a post above, there was a lot of talk about "you let him do..." and "he let you do..." Talk about that more, did you feel that you each controlled the other and you needed permission to do certain things? It sounds more like a parent child R. Is that how it felt?
No, not at all. However, i notice alot of other couples in which the wives as well as husbands prevent each other from this freedom. In our marriage, i feel that we both trusted each other and allowed each other the freedom to do what we needed or wanted to do. Maybe too much so
I am determined to keep at this and not giving up.
Are there any good articles on this and how to break through this? It crazy. 3 weeks ago he was talking to me, kissed me good bye when i ran an errand and then all of a sudden a switch went off and this is happening. I dont know if he is playing some kind of terrible game, trying to push me away or stressed induced. Any help is appreciated!
Most of us have had a similar experience, that it was like a switch was flipped. But with time we begin to realize that there was a buildup, buried hurts and resentments and then the proverbial straw...
Did you read the DR book? It's the framework for this marathon.
You can't break through anything, all you can do is let go. Breaking through implies trying to change him and he (most likely) doesn't want to be changed. Yes, I know this guy will not change - not really what i wanted to do. But rather break through to him to see that we can fix this. Like you said, i think I just need to work on myself, my attitude, things that I have control of.
As Cadet tells everyone in his first post, you have been given the gift of time and you can use that gift to look inside and make changes you know need to happen. We all have those issues that drive us crazy and maybe friends and family, too.
Or you can use the gift by trying to get him to change. That almost never works. What does work is when you change, the R changes and sometimes the WAS decides to take another look. Sometimes the LBS decides they don't want to take another look.
You're on a journey which has no predetermined destination. It may be a long, long journey, a marathon as some say. It's going to involve a lot of work for you, and a lot of leaving your H be.
Are you ready for that?
Yes! I am ready. I will continue reading DR as well.
As a matter of fact, yesterday seemed a little bit better. He was in the house already by the time i got back from the gym and sat and watch tv for a little bit. He seemed to be a little less stoned faced. Day by day.
[quote=labug]Hope, I'm not so sure your H is detached. He does seem to be checked out, unengaged, The article on detaching was helpful, I hope.
Can you explain more about why you do not think he is detatched but rather than checked out or unengaged?
Well, i thought the last few days were going good. I will still take it as a step forward. But tonight, I made dinner. He comes in from working at 8pm takes a shower and then looks at the dinner and he says 'I am not sure why you are doing all of this'. Me - Doing what? Him-Cooking dinner - I am still leaving.
He ate dinner, at the counter, put the bleeping head phones on and is now listening to music. He lives in such a pattern, that it is almost impossible to communicate with him at all.
I will just keep up the positive attitude, try to find the opportunities to let him know that i appreciate things he might do and keep on hoping. I will at least know that i tried the best that i knew...
Me 56/H 57
M 35 S 24 S 21
Bomb 3/11 He moved out 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 He's home now
To clarify - he is not leaving tonight - but whenever we fix up and sell the house, which could take quite some time. time is on my side. Does anyone have any experience with this?
Me 56/H 55
M 13
Bomb 3/14
Still living in the house - in our bedroom - diff beds.