I am starting a new thread because the other one its lock, today I feel a little confussed and I feel certain fear.
My W and I have no communication at all, absolutelly nothing and I dont know if I am supposed to leave things like this or try to start texting her or whatever (thats why I am confussed)
What are your suggestions guys?
On the other side, things are improving in my life, I am working, I have a roomate and we go out sometimes for a drink and amazingly girls give me their phone number....I guess being a good looking guy helps hahaha but I am not interested in seeing nobody, I am starting to feel fine by myself.
As I said today its one of those days where I feel that "need" of doing something for my sitch, send her an email apologizing for what I did, text her, whatever but I feel I should do something because we dont communicate in anyway at all.
So I need some advice guys, I would like to hear your suggestions.
Thank you for reading.
Previous thread:
Road to happiness....Part 1 You're working, GALing, and starting to feel fine.
Why do you want to disrupt that?
Any communication on your part sounds like pursuit to me.
I'd leave it alone.
Ye, be strong. Don't contact her. There's nothing you need to do right now except work on yourself and, according to your posts, you've been doing a great job at that.
Ye the last few interactions with your W have been negative so i'd say dont contact her, if she contacts you then reply if you need to but otherwise dont answer.
You really need to keep GAL and working on YOU - you need to work on letting go of your W and M because that's truly the only way that you can move forwards from this. If you feel you want to write to your W then do it but DONT SEND IT, that way you get your thoughts out but without sending to her.
Keep your chin up, keep focusing on YOU and not her. You are what is important now & your the only person that can make this situation positive for yourself.
Keep working on you and "fake it till you make it." Keep acting strong and tell yourself you don't need to contact her.
If you want to tell her something, write it down on a piece of paper. Then read it, examine your thoughts and feelings and then throw it away, burn it, tear it up, whatever you need to do to get through those feelings.
You can do this.
Thank you so much guys, it amazes me how your words bring so much clarity, it feels so good to be supported by you, again thank you, I keep working on myself, Ill go for a bike trip now
Ye
I tried to respond to your last thread but it’s locked…
I am so gratefull to read you Ericsam , I remember our first conversations in this forum and how I can see things in a different way now.
I can see you are seeing things differently. Don’t rush the process Ye….take your time.
Those are some of my goals
What do you think?
It does not matter what I think – only what you think. Do you know why?
My W and I have no communication at all, absolutelly nothing and I dont know if I am supposed to leave things like this or try to start texting her or whatever (thats why I am confussed)
Based on your last exchange I would say NO do not reach out to her. Do you think you can talk your way out of something that you acted your way into?
send her an email apologizing for what I did, text her, whatever but I feel I should do something because we dont communicate in anyway at all.
IMO, RESPECTING her choices is enough. No need to communicate with her. Keep working on YOU.
It does not matter what I think – only what you think. Do you know why?
Probably because if it matters what I think it means that I have self confidence in that those changes are the ones I need to do, it means that I truly believe those changes will bring me happiness
I can see I still seeing myself in the word of others, and the best thing is that now I can see it.
Do you think you can talk your way out of something that you acted your way into?
No, definetly words will not work at this point, only actions....
As I am responding that I just received a copy of the books:
"Change your toughs, change your life" living the wisdow of the Tao
By Wayne Dyer.....and thats my way to work on myself by taking "the action" of reading this new book...
Before I found this forum I never got excited when I saw a book, today I got really excited and cant wait to start reading this book!!
Thank you guys and thank God for giving me the capacity of enjoying the small things in life!! I was hopeless that I could never reach that point!!!
Yayy for Yeee!! Hahaha
Probably because if it matters what I think it means that I have self confidence in that those changes are the ones I need to do, it means that I truly believe those changes will bring me happiness
BINGO!
Arggg I am having a tough day today, I am overwelmed with payments I have to do, pay the rent, pay a few parking tickets, pay the phone bill...I am working but I can see my pattern of wanting to pay all that at once to not incur in late fees, I cant control that part
It brings me back to the point in my head that keeps telling me: if you dont pay all this debts right away she will see no changes and sent you the D papers...
So thats my path I keep believing that I will be punished for not doing things "right" and I start to freak out and get in the fear mood...
Also, you shouldn't live your life by what your W might think. She's likely gonna think bad things right now anyway. So just pay the bills in the best order you can -- food, home, lights, etc. first and then the rest. Hang in there, Ye. You are one of my favorites. Love your quote about the Sun and the Earth.
Aysssss thank you so much Unbiden!!! What a gift to have persons like you in this process!! Thank you for bringing me back to reality
Definetly time for a kickass song to bring me back
Never too late by Jimi Jamison
YOU GOT WHAT IT TAKES
TO MAKE EVERYTHING COME TRUE
THE WORLD IS THERE FOR YOU
JUST CARRY ON YOU GET WHAT
YOU GIVE ONE DAY IT WILL COME BACK
AND FALL INTO YOUR LAP
ITS NOTHING NEW IT WILL BE TOUGH BUT DON'T GIVE UP
EVEN IF ITS HURTING
CAN TAKE YOU YEARS
WILL COST YOU TEARS
BUT ITS WORTH IT IN THE END
Never too late - never too late to start
So keep on dreaming
Never too late, never too late to start
Love will find it's way it will find you
So hold on to your faith
Never too late to start
DON'T COMPROMISE
YOU KNOW WHATS RIGHT FOR
YOU YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD DO
JUST CARRY ON
SOME/TIMES OUT OF SIGHT
ANOTHER UPHILL CLIMB
PLAYING WITH YOUR MIND
CONFUSING YOU
DON'T YA KNOW THAT
Chorus:
WITH EVERY DREAM
COMES A BROKEN HEART
IT CAN BRING YA DOWN TO YOUR KNEES
TEAR YOU APART
PICK YOURSELF UP
AND SHOW EM WHO YOU ARE
DON'T LET NOTHIN GET IN UR WAY
AND UR GONNA TAKE IT FAR
Don't ya know that….
It will be tough - But don't give up
Even if it's hurting
Can take you years - Will cost you tears
But it's worth it in the end
NEVER TOO LATE, NEVER TOO LATE TO START
NEVER TOO LATE, NEVER TOO LATE TO START
SO JUST KEEP ON DREAMIN
NEVER TOO LATE, NEVER TOO LATE TO START
OH….. YEAH
LOVE WILL FIND ITS WAY
IT WILL FIND YOU
SO HOLD ON TO UR FAITH
NEVER TOO LATE TO START
NEVER TOO LATE TO START
SO HOLD ON TO YOUR FAITH
JUST KEEP ON DREAMIN
NEVER TOO LATE TO START
I have a question for vets with WAW like MrBond or for WAW like Sandi2 ,this is a specific question, while they were gone and if they had no contact at all, not even email, how did you do to keep motivated that it wasnt over yet? I had a couple of hard days thinking about this.... I know I have to focus on myself as well but I dont know if I am supposed to give up any hope and thts the way to go or what....
The way things ended it made seem that she is completelly done...
I never had total "no contact" with my W. We had young kids so I had to stay in contact with her. For the times that she wasn't around, I got myself emotionally, intellectually, physically and spiritually strong. Look up Joe Beam and you'll see what I mean. The techniques work well hand in hand with Divorce Busting.
I never had total "no contact" with my W. We had young kids so I had to stay in contact with her. For the times that she wasn't around, I got myself emotionally, intellectually, physically and spiritually strong. Look up Joe Beam and you'll see what I mean. The techniques work well hand in hand with Divorce Busting.
Ill check that. Thank you
Thats where I loose my motivation, she really has no reason at all for contacting me, so thats makes all this proccess a little subrealistic from my side, I mean her family doesnt talk to me at all, we both live in Manhattan and we have no more friends in common so the possibities of seeing each other are way too remote...
But see motivation comes from within. Not from the outside. That's why the goals in DBing are important.
But see motivation comes from within. Not from the outside. That's why the goals in DBing are important.
Yes, I will have to reread DB and set my goals, untill not totally D I believe hope still there. Thanks Bond
It brings me back to the point in my head that keeps telling me: if you dont pay all this debts right away she will see no changes and sent you the D papers...
So thats my path I keep believing that I will be punished for not doing things "right" and I start to freak out and get in the fear mood...
Still living in FEAR I see…
Ye
What are you really afraid of? I’ll do a little mind reading here in the hopes that maybe it helps….
1) Are you afraid she is gonna leave? She’s already done that. Guess what. YOU SURVIVED it!
2) Are you afraid that you will not be able to take care of yourself? You seem to be managing. Bills are getting paid – even if they are late…they are still getting paid!
3) Are you afraid that she will “never” come back? I’m gonna touch on “never” in a bit… If you continue to focus on HER then this fear will never go away. Let me ask you a question…. Do you fear that you may not wake up in the morning? Do you fear that crossing the street in NYC that you will get hit by a bus, by a car? Do you fear that an earthquake will hit the city you live in? If any of these apply – then WHAT can you really do to face the fear? IMO, NOTHING. So let it go.
I know I have to focus on myself as well but I dont know if I am supposed to give up any hope and thts the way to go or what....
What is hope YE? What does hope mean to YOU?
I hope that tomorrow will be sunny.
Does the fact that it is raining TODAY….change my HOPE for tomorrow?
The way things ended it made seem that she is completelly done...
IMO, one of the biggest mistakes we make is to THINK and FEEL like things or sitch are “FOREVER” or will “NEVER” happen. It is flawed thinking.
Do you know what tomorrow brings?
Do you think the person that won the last powerball thought “NEVER”
Stop thinking in absolute terms. Stop thinking that where YOU are today is where YOU will be tomorrow. No one knows.
Your W could wake up tomorrow and say…..”WTF am I doing – I love Ye”. No one knows.
Train YOUR mind to LIVE in the MOMENT. Train YOUR mind to NOT predict the future. Live for today.
No one here can make YOU have HOPE. That is something that has to come from inside YOU.
What is hope YE? What does hope mean to YOU?
I hope that tomorrow will be sunny.
Does the fact that it is raining TODAY….change my HOPE for tomorrow?
Very true Eric, thanks for that!
You seem to always ask me the questions in the proper time hehehe
This is my fear and this is what freezes me sometimes most of the times:
I am affraid to fail, when I was with her I was always affraid and scared to fail, so when I lost jobs and couldnt make tons of money I was stressed out, I was affraid of how it was gonna affect me to see her kissing other guy in her play so I couldnt go because of that, my daily basis its been always affraid to do a mistake, for me my life have to had no mistakes so when she left me for mistakes that today I realize they werent so big I tend to feel dissapointed of myself, I underestand people does mistakes, she might even has done a mistake not being able to forgive me for those mistakes I did...I am not able yet to forgive those mistakes even if I realize that they were things I could not control... I mean no excuses, I did not went to her play, I didnt made enough money, but strikes me a lot the fact that I was hold to such a big standars in her eyes, I have always the feeling that I am hold by everybody to big standards and thise are really big for me depends of the time, so thats one of the reasons I cant move on in general, I am always walking over egg shells affraid I will do a mistake and pay consequences
I need help with that and the problem is that I dont know where to start....because I am affraid of failing and take the wrong step ;(
Thank you EricSam you have no idea how you and all the people in this forum are helping me
Ye
Fear is normal. How you deal with it is the key. Accept the Fear, name it, understand it.
DB101 – change how you look at things.
Think of it this way….
Failing = learning and learning is indeed a positive.
when I was with her I was always affraid and scared to fail,
Well I guess the fact that you are not with her NOW is a good thing. Here is the thing….are you really scared to fail OR are you really afraid to TRY.
so when I lost jobs and couldnt make tons of money I was stressed out,
First off, the amount of money you make should NOT define YOU. You as a person. See a lot of times we base how we feel on what cloths we have, how much money we have, etc. It really is all superficial. I am not saying that having money is a bad thing – but money in an of itself is really not the solution.
Are nuns crappy people? Are priest? They do not make a lot of money…yet they usually are amazing people.
I was affraid of how it was gonna affect me to see her kissing other guy in her play so I couldnt go because of that,
Hey Ye…IMO, if a girl is gonna cheat on you she is going to. IMO, one of the biggest mistakes men make is thinking that the physical act of cheating is the worse. It really isn’t. Women tend to be more emotional (not saying they do not like physical activity). When they love, they tend to love from the heart (not the lower extremities). They love with their emotions. So what she was gonna kiss someone. She is actress. Once you feel better about yourself, you will not be worrying about this. Once you KNOW in YOUR heart that you are a hell of a dude…we’ll then all of these insecurities start to go away.
my daily basis its been always affraid to do a mistake, for me my life have to had no mistakes so when she left me for mistakes that today I realize they werent so big I tend to feel dissapointed of myself, I underestand people does mistakes,
First stop living in the past. You made mistakes, I made mistakes, your W made mistakes…everyone makes mistakes.
The key is to LEARN from them and NOT repeat them over and over and over again.
So raise your right hand…and repeat after me… “I ye…promise to do the best I can. I WILL make mistakes. I am not perfect. Only God is perfect. I do promise myself that I will always try my best. I cannot control if that is not enough for other people. It will be enough for me”.
Now let go of all of your mistakes.
It is a new day brother….
I am not able yet to forgive those mistakes even if I realize that they were things I could not control...
GUILT – Let it go. I know…I know…”how”? Honestly, it is very simple IMO, you CHOOSE to let it go. Choose to live for TODAY not in your past.
I did not went to her play, I didnt made enough money,
I didn’t sh*t lilies when my ex asked me to! I am fine with that. It was NOT ALL YOUR fault Ye. I know it may feel like it…but it was not. Let it go brother…let go of the guilt.
Now….do me a favor…your next post should be positive. All positive.
Need inspiration?
How would you live your life…if you knew you only had 2 months to live? Would you be miserable? Would you rot in a pit of guilt?
Better yet….
How do you know that I do not have 2 months to live? Chit I am just words on a screen brother….
My point….Live life the best way you can. Look forward and up…not back and down. Choose that for YOU Ye.
“I ye…promise to do the best I can. I WILL make mistakes. I am not perfect. Only God is perfect. I do promise myself that I will always try my best. I cannot control if that is not enough for other people. It will be enough for me”.
Love this!! Thank you again Eric!! I am going to put my effort in dealing with this fear to fail!! The fear of not being perfect and become a better me.
In this time by myself I have seen beautiful things and thats the way I want to live, enjoying all those things, the true its I cant change what I did but I can change "the way I see" what I do know.
Its great to read your advice Eric thank you again
Today I went to a bike ride for 75 miles in 5 hours, hahaha I am getting crazy I guess..
The last night I didnt sleep well because I had the worst nightmare ever, I dreamed with my W being in a relationship with a guy and being mad mean with me...however...
I have a question...maybe Sandi2 could respond it?
Why my WAW family hasnt talk to me at all and even remove me from their facebook once my W left the house? Not even her friends had talked to me, basically nobody that we meet in common neither her family has asked me at all how I am or talked to me??? Isnt that a little weird?
I am so frustrated, I sm having an awful day today and today the wuestioning came back... Why she doesnt contact me? Why she took those things I did so much to the extreme? Why her family has stopped any contact with me? Why my W deleted every member of my family from her Facebook?
I feel like I am such a criminal for not going to her play
its just for me all this way to extreme??
I guess I will vent here and take all this out of my chest besides the fact that I feel I am always acting as a victim, I am in my limits and I have no idea what else to do, I try and I just cant do it I dont know why.
Today I was working and at the end of the shift....surprise test, due to all the bills I have to pay I got an anxiety attack and failed a few questions, the manager who so far I noticed all she does its giving me attitude and not respecting me, told me that they are very concerned about my menu knowledge, which its great in front of the customers but once managers ask me I freak out and I forget amall details.
I am in panic and I just dont know what else to do, all this is just way too big for me.
I was a very confident person 4 years and a half ago and this relationship while its seems gave a lot of confidence to my W, has completelly destroyed my one, I know I did things wrong but I know that my W never told me what I was doing wrong, she just told me when she decided to leave me, everytime I asked her, is everything ok? She will always say, yes its ok, I am tired and exhausted of blaming myself for all this, how could I see what it was wrong if my W never complained or simply talked to me? I never had a conversation about problems, all that I hear was, go to therapy because it seems you get affected when you loose a job, and now I keep thinking I am not normal when I loose a job, I am not normal for suffering that she abandoned me, yes I didnt went to her play because I felt insecure, but also its true she never talked to me about the play or her career, she simply didnt want to share those things with me!!
And all this bs its destroying me, I am in a deep hole for the last 4 months almost and cant get out of it, all I am thinking today its if its worth it to live anymore, in therapy that time she told me the last year she was with me because she felt sorry for me it was a huge surprise, when she said she could not forget that I didnt went to her play... For 1 entire year she couldnt told me once how much that affected her, I had to trust her....a person that never freaking communicated with me, a roomate, how could I improve things then?
Its funny how she told me I always acussed her of being wrong...yes I did, when I told her it wasnt nice she hide our relationship to her mom because they felt ambarrased I wasnt albanian, how we got married in court because her family wasnt gonna come to the wedding, how everytime I visited her family they will make fun of me in albanian and always talk in albanian in front of me despite the fact that I dont know a word, my life was hard, I lost my father and I was illegal here so I could not go to his burial, I told my W to put together the 2 of us a saving plan and she will always say in a hars tone: I dont want to talk about that.
She never paid the car insurance, because it was "my car" I never receive ramdom gifts from her, never had a pic of both of us in her facebook, never receive any complements unless I askd her to tell me something nice, I am sorry but I cant put this person as the nice one, I was numerous times verbally abussed by her, and yes there are different ways to do things, yes I didnt made enough money for the first 2 years together but I was illegal and couldnt make no more at that time, I was hold to a big standard and it had an expiration date.... Make enough money or I leave you as I can see now, I never told her that, she didnt made more money to be happier with me, she did it to be an actress, thats why she got so resentfull when I propose her to do a savings plan together or to start thinking to buy a house, she just wouldnt like to put a bigger part from her money...
I cant no more, I am exhausted, depressed and this keeps comming back, I havent received yet the D papers and all this freaking D that she wants all that it has done its costed me money, sold my car for nothing, she hasnt paid the conedison bill, she hasnt paid the insurance, she cancelled me all my services at home so I had to pay deposits to restore them, and I cant keep up, now I might even loose again the job, and I dont even freaking now what am I doing so wrong, my fking mind let me down with that anxiety attack today and I am sure thats it, they will probably fire me this week.
I just want to know what can I do to get out of this, because up till this moment I dont want to live anymore, I cant keep falling that much I just cant, I putted such an effort in going to work and not get upset with the disrespectfull comments about my accent and things like that, I never responded back , I took the cooments and didnt let my ego respond, but the true is that I need a little, a little light that helps me get out of this, I dont see any hope and I try to build it, I need help in a way I can leave all this.
I feel like the worst person in the world for the mistakes I did, I mean seriously? My family in law didnt ever called me to see how I was doing, when I called 2 weeks ago my mother in law to talk to my W and tell her to not give me problems with the greencard, she seemed scared!!! And never called me back?? Wtf??
I just dont know nothing!! Rghhhh I hate my life and everything so much right now, I just cant get myself out of this, wtf am I doing so wrong???
This might sound bypolar but I will write it here.
After what happened with my job and the way I was feeling, I kept asking God for guidance, show me what to do...then I sit with my roomate to have a couple of beers in the garden, I told him a little about my job situation and he agree that I have to change something...
Up to today I am 34 years old, I have no kids, I am having financial problems, I am bored and tired of NY, I remembered how I used to tell my W that one day I wanna to live in Hawaii or upstate NY, basically in a place with nature, a couple years ago before Sandy hurricane we were planning to rent a room in Rockaway, but she ended saying no, because it was an hour commute each way....
So I was thinking about it tonight, I want a quieter life, calm, peace and way less stress, wake up everyday and see nature, and NY its definetly not the place, so I started to read all the signs...my favorite healer Wayne Dyer lives in Hawaii and continuously talks about being in contact with yourself....my entire life I kept saying no bog cities for me and now I am living in one, despite how I always complained about that in my M.
So I asked myself: why are you in NY? Whats keeping you in NY? Then the word came by: My Wife. I am here because I am expecting to reconcile with her and as times goes by and she doesnt do anything to reconcile then I get more desperate....
So I ask myself: what else is keeping you here? Do u like the city? No, I dont like NY since a long time ago, and I have nothing that keeps me here, I want to be more spiritual oriented in a city where all I feel its more: the more you have the more you are valued...
Again I asked myself, could you study in Hawaii? And the response again its yes I can...
So why I live in Ny? Because at this point I want to reconcile... And when things go wrong all I want to do its finish with everything and move out of here... So basically I am here because of my W not because of me.
And as I read in this forum many times: when are you start doing things for you?? And I guess, now, now its when I am going to do things for me...
I am starting to plan my move out of here, tomorrow I will keep talking with people and bike out of the city to contact with nature and listen to responses...
So thats my plan, and for the first time I feel at peace, and calm, and I am not scared to do it, I actually feel excited and happy about it...
Sounds like you are broadening your horizons and starting to GAL. Congratulations! I hope that someday I can be as strong as you. Right now I am just pathetic, hoping the last 5 months is just a nightmare and I will wake up. And my husband will be the old person I know, and want me to be close with him instead of pushing me away.
It sounds like your self esteem has been in the toilet for the last 4 months. I am sorry that this has happened to you. I hope that your W wakes up soon to what she is losing. I hope that you find some comfort in your trip to nature tomorrow.
Having a plan in place is a HUGE help to PMA! It gives you power back. Now you aren't waiting around for her- you're just waiting until your plan falls together. Good for you!
I'm a big fan of moving to different areas- especially if you have no family keeping you stuck in one spot. You only live once! Figure out a way to get to Hawaii, Aloha!!!!!
Yes, I have been stuck in NY for too long, its time for myself, I believe many of the changes I experienced but I could not put them together due to always being havig the fear of not having enough money...this os my moment, time for a bike trip to nature, as I hear: Bring yourself back to nature every time you are in doubt, nature created you and nature will bring you back
Well I was fired today
and for the first time I dont feel sad about it, the reasons to fire me:
You are very serious, you dont joke and even if we think you are a great great server, you are older than your coworkers and they dont feel they can hang out with you due to the age difference, also your pronuntiation in english is strong ....
Definetly God its giving me signs hehehe and its time to listen to them, may 15th its the day!! I havent been so excited and happy in a long time hehehe.
I have a question: should I tell my W i am leaving jn case she wants to have the cat?
Ye
Sorry about the job loss man.
So what are your next steps?
I have a question: should I tell my W i am leaving jn case she wants to have the cat?
When you know for sure you are leaving then IMO, yes I would send her a quick text to let her know that you are leaving and to see if she wants the cat. The message should be short and to the point. No long stories, no small talk..nada..just to the point.
So what are your next steps?
Tomorrow I am taking the day off , then I will aplly for jobs during the week to start working and save $2000 dollars more so I can leave with $4000 in my pocket.
I also will put everything for sale, furniture, videogames,tv and material things that I dont need.
This week I am also calling the college in Hawaii to see the requirements, also I am talking to see my options with the greencard if I move to Hawaii, I found a few apartments there and I really dont know how hard will be to get a job there but I will try...
Those are my plans, also I understand what you say about letting her know and I will post here before anything.
Sounds like a plan.
Good luck with the Hawaii opportunity.
Hi Ye, you contacted me through another thread. Did you have a specific question for me. You said you were confused by the actions of your WAW. Is it b/c she has not contacted you?
Yes, the whole situation was weird for me and her not contacting, not telling me her new address and not even her family...
Is that a normal WAW behaviour or this is new grade of WAW?
I am anxious today!! I am back today to think why she hasn't contact me at all, puff I am starting a new job I found yesterday this friday, to save some money to leave for Hawaii, I am today scared that I will not be able to forget and move on about how she didnt even contact me
I just dont want always to think about the same song, somedays I dont think about it and another days like today, all that I think its why she doesnt contact at all.
Just think about what your goals are for you in Hawaii. I do better if there is a task at hand or I am doing GAL things. When everything is quiet and I am alone, no kids, my mind begins to wander. Watch a movie, listen to music, day dream, whatever you can to focus on anything other than the WAW.
It looks like you are starting to plan on a big new adventure.
Thank you Go!!
I bought the ticket today and its amazing how all my friends and family agreed that this is the change I need, it feels great to have that support and it helps to leave doubts behind!!
Its gonna be a journey of working on myself and find my real me!
I am excited today and happy that I am leaving all this behind, this friday I will start my new job and see how much I can save to move there, I cant wait to leave!
Ye, you asked me to check out your thread, yet I don't see any specific urgency or question(s) here? What was it you wanted my opinion on?
Starsky
Well I am being feeling down because of the whole no contact situation and I am kind of scared that leaving to Hawaii will cause her to think that I dont want to really work on the M, however I think she is the one not interested in working since she has not contacted me at all.
Also I keep wondering myself how can she only have in her mind those bad things she said I did, when she never communicated those things neither she told me her daily life...
Well I am being feeling down because of the whole no contact situation and I am kind of scared that leaving to Hawaii will cause her to think that I dont want to really work on the M, however I think she is the one not interested in working since she has not contacted me at all.
Also I keep wondering myself how can she only have in her mind those bad things she said I did, when she never communicated those things neither she told me her daily life...
Considering the recent advice you've gotten hear about your "fear" issues, Ye, I think the time away would do you good. You're still WAY too enmeshed in what you think she thinks about you.
Sorry I can't add more, but I haven't been following your sitch all that closely.
Starsky
Do you think Starsky that I should do any movement towards this? Or should I just leave things the way they are right now?
Well I never realized how many things I have, this showed me one of my flaws.... My happiness was related to the amount of material things I could get, its stressing and a big demotivation to get ready of so many things, but little by little I am selling them, I still have to sell the furniture and the tv so hopelly I will get the energy to put them up on craiglist, meanwhile I am feeling more detached than ever... Its kind of weird to feel like this I guess its part of the recovery proccess
Ye
I am glad you are on a path that excites you about your future. I am a bit concerned about something but I don't want you to begin to doubt yourself too much just b/c I am asking some questions, okay?
But WHY Hawaii? I know Wayne Dyer lives there, but he's very wealthy. It's an expensive place to live.
There are many sunny places to live in this nation that are cheaper, if you want good weather. And many places with colleges and schools exist elsewhere.
Have you done enough research to know where you'll live when you get there? Are you familiar with the people there? My husband and some of his family live in Hawaii, and they are not Hawaiian. There were preferences for Hawaiians and you may need to prepare yourself for a different job market there, especially if that is still the case.
Just want to make sure you realize there are MANY places in our country that you can live. It's not just New York City or Hawaii...and btw, Hawaii is mostly urban, OR privately owned land.
If you want more nature, there are other options...what is it you are most looking for? As far as school, would you like to finish a 4 year college degree?
What would you like to study? Think it all out...bring it up here and we can help you think things out.
But I get the feeling you are looking for a geographic solution to "fix" it all and the problem is that your choice of area is NOT cheaper than New York; it's more expensive. Real Estate is very limited b/c it's an island.
We used to be in the military and we moved often. I'm used to picking up and starting over and I meet people easily. Even so, it's not easy. And my kids HATED starting over. They are much shyer than me. They don't enjoy being the new kid" at all. My suggestion is that no matter where you move, you make plans NOW for how you will find a place to live, a job to apply for (several) and at least one class to sign up for so you can meet people and keep your mind active.
What else might you do to keep your mental attitude positive and to GAL wherever you go?
Those ideas^^ (GAL, PMA, classes) are some tools for "how to be happy". So when you ask us "how can" you change, or learn something, THAT is one way how...(GAL, doing things in a different way, etc)
Make sense?
BTW is this the right thread? I had some trouble finding you b/c there seem to be many threads of yours.
Which one is yours or the main one? It really helps us stay up to date, if you keep to ONE thread at a time...
is this "the one"?
Hello 25!! Thank you for stoping by
Well let me go with the responses heheheh.
This is the right thread from now on
First a little background about me:
I moved to NY 7 years ago with 0 level of english after I finish my contract in the marines in Spain.
I moved to NY because I knew that it was the city where I could find the biggest amount of spanish people and I will be able to move myself around talking spanish till I learn english.
The reason why I moved to USA 7 years ago it was because I always wanted to live in Hawaii, it was my dream...but with no english at all I tought it was crazy to do that movement right away.
I started after 2 years working for a surf company in Ny, selling their clothes (Quiksilver) and that was because my english level was better so I knew it was time to move to Hawaii. I was at that point more spiritual oriented, however ( and I can see all that clearly now) I was feeling lonely, in need of somebody to love me... I was offered by Quiksilver to be transfered to Honolulu and I accepted...3 weeks prior to move there I meeted my W, so....I decided to give it a try.... And it was a great try, but a try that made me look for ways to make a lot of money so I could one day buy a house in Hawaii and live in between Hawaii and Ny (ny only because my W its from here...)
Time started to pass and I started to grow resentments due to my W not wanting to move upstate NY or to the beach in Ny ( i needed a place with nature) so basically that started many of our problems and untill recently I couldnt find the reason...
We went to Hawaii last year..... And it was the nicest time in my life, however my W hated that all I liked to do was hinking, biking, swimming and surfing... She wanted to spend time in coffee places writing plays... So I told her, great while you do that I will go surfing and relax, she never told me that was wrong with her so I did it without feeling guilty.
Then all the sadness and pittyness and bad feelings I had they were released in that time in Hawaii so at that point I knew for sure Hawaii was my place (at least for a while)
There are many places all over the world even in America, but I want to try Hawaii.
Hawaii its just at this point what I feel, whats calling me. I found a very nice apartment 15mins away from Waikiki beach, and I have a job offer to work with 2 surf companies there.
I am planning to start taking classes in college there to go and pursue my career which is Nursing. So far I saw there is a big demand for nurses overthere.
I was forced in my life to move numerous times so I am not scared to start over, specially since in 7 years I havent keep any friends in NY, I am by myself here anyway.
I dont know whats gonna happen with this movement, all I know its that I wasnt honest with myself and I feel me not leaving NY at the time planned made me becoming angry at everything around.
I will work as a waiter, dishwasher or whatever while I go to college, I dont mind that, however in NY those are the jobs I had been doing and it wasnt a problem.
I need to wake up everyday and hear the ocean, see the sun and see an horizon line, bike to my job and to college and feel relax....I know I can do those things there, its not always gonna be easy but how can I say no to the idea of walking at night in the beach?
I will be developing my more spiritual side and see what life brings, and I am sure it will work
Oh by the way I already signed with a biking club in Hawaii so I can meet people that likes to go road biking ( I am good at cycling and I will take my bike with me )
Good for you, Ye. I hope you're very happy in Hawaii. Mahalo.
Thank you Unbidden!!!!!! How are you doing by the way??
Hello 25!! Thank you for stoping by
Well let me go with the responses heheheh.
This is the right thread from now on
First a little background about me:
I moved to NY 7 years ago with 0 level of english after I finish my contract in the marines in Spain.
I moved to NY because I knew that it was the city where I could find the biggest amount of spanish people and I will be able to move myself around talking spanish till I learn english.
The reason why I moved to USA 7 years ago it was because I always wanted to live in Hawaii, it was my dream...but with no english at all I tought it was crazy to do that movement right away.Its not very important, so please don't worry about my questions, but I'm still not clear about WHY you want to move to Hawaii.
Why there? Why do you believe you were "the happiest" THERE?
I have been there, more than once, and my h lived there growing up. I live in southern California and have for 14 years. I AM affected by weather, so I can understand if that is a reason for you to want sunny days....but I don't know if that is a factor for you in choosing Hawaii. There are many cheaper sunny places to live, however...
My main point is that it's very expensive and some people get what is called "Island Fever" and that is when they feel "confined", b/c they are on an island and miss the homeland. Sometimes they feel "surrounded by ocean/trapped" and it's a weird thing but we knew several people living there, who mentioned it.
Just something to ponder a bit, maybe. Where is your family NOW?I started after 2 years working for a surf company in Ny, selling their clothes (Quiksilver) and that was because my english level was better
so I knew it was time to move to Hawaii.
how did you "know it was time to move" to Hawaii? I'm trying also to get you to examine your motivations and reasoning b/c MAYBE your wife felt it was not that well thought out or planned. Maybe she worried she'd be leaving HER homeland for a place where neither of you would find enough work, to live well....maybe?
I was at that point
more spiritual oriented, however ( and I can see all that clearly now) I was feeling lonely, in need of somebody to love me..
So, to clarify, are you saying that being "more spiritual" meant you were lonely and needed someone....to love you? I mean, we ALL want someone to love us and we all need that.
I'm not sure where the spiritual part you mention, comes in EXCEPT - for me, knowing God loves me, makes me LESS lonely...not more so.
Do you know what I'm asking you?. I was offered by Quiksilver to be transfered to Honolulu and I accepted...3 weeks prior to move there I meeted my W, so...
.I decided to give it a try..
meaning, you met your wife and wanted to form a relationship with her and pursue it more? And then you wanted to convince her to join you in Hawaii?
WHEN in your relationship, did you tell her, that you planned on moving out there? Was it when you began dating, or later on, or after you had married?
What did SHE SAY when you told her you wanted to move there? .. And it was a great try, but a try that made me look for ways to make a lot of money so I could one day buy a house in Hawaii and live in between Hawaii and Ny
(ny only because my W its from here...)
No....New York because your wife wants an acting career and in New York, (and LA) that is where one pursues that type of career.
I have two adult children in the industry, & I performed some myself, so don't tell me that "there is theater or film in Hawaii"...
You must at least begin an acting career in NY or LA, if you are American...and want to succeed. Or "get discovered" elsewhere...And it's always a long shot. So you marry someone who knows what you want and what you are willing to do to achieve it AND who will support you in the mostly hard lean times...and you as the performer must derive enough joy from performing and NOT "need" fame, to be happy...
but I have seen my straight heterosexual male son kiss a man on stage and in film. And my daughter has had love scenes with men she was not in love with and I---25, was in "The Graduate" and played the older woman with a younger man, on stage. I liked it but my h never once, ever, complained.
So when you were angry at your w for kissing a man in a role she was PLAYING and you knew the whole time she was an actress, I felt her pain and frustration. You did not come off too well there my friend. That was the type of thing she'd be advised to stay away from if she told any of her acting friends.
I'm told that my son is handsome. His girlfriend felt insecure when he had kissing scenes with OWs but he NEVER cheated and frankly I don't believe he was ever tempted. But her jealousy and insecurity made her angry and irritable increasingly and finally they broke up. Don't do that to a person who wants to perform and has talent. If you wife had no talent, I assume someone would tell her so. But if she does, and it's her dream to pursue her art, why did you EXPECT her to change that for you and then resent her for doing exactly what you knew (or should have known b/c she was clear about it) she wanted to do?
Time started to pass and I started to grow resentments due to my W not wanting to move upstate NY or to the beach in Ny ( i needed a place with nature) so basically that started many of our problems and untill recently I couldnt find the reason...
You resented her b/c she did not want to give up her dream to pursue yours?
Were you particularly wealthy by then?? Rich enough to live in both places?
...I didn't think so...
So - you began this relationship with expectations that are unreasonable, and or NOT told to her (did you ever tell her you expected her to move where you wanted b/c that's what YOU wanted? Were you clear about that? IF SO, why did she still pursue acting?)
I believe if you begin a M with unrealistic or UN-communicated expectations (e.g., "she'll cave in to what I want, when she fails at her career, & I hope she does fail, b/c her 'success' threatens me"...) -- then it's a recipe for disaster.
We went to Hawaii last year.....
And it was the nicest time in my life, however my W hated that all I liked to do was hinking, biking, swimming and surfing... She wanted to spend time in coffee places writing plays... So I told her, great while you do that I will go surfing and relax, she never told me that was wrong with her so I did it without feeling guilty.
This^^ means that Hawaii was NOT the place for HER...clearly. She can write "wherever" but she cannot publish "from wherever," she cannot perform "wherever"....
maybe once she became financially successful & her agent or manager said "hey, write wherever you are inspired" THEN MAYBE she could move around, but not as she's trying to establish herself in an industry that requires a lot of face time.
If you insist on living in Hawaii, don't marry a New York actress...
Then all the sadness and pittyness and bad feelings I had they were released in that time in Hawaii so at that point I knew for sure Hawaii was my place (at least for a while)
There are many places all over the world even in America, but I want to try Hawaii.
Hawaii its just at this point what I feel, whats calling me. I found a very nice apartment 15mins away from Waikiki beach, and I have a job offer to work with 2 surf companies there.
this^^ is ALL about YOU, what you want, and not about her or her dreams. You two want very different things...
I am planning to start taking classes in college there to go and pursue my career which is Nursing.
So far I saw there is a big demand for nurses overthere.
"over there"?
Just FYI, nursing is in demand all over this whole country & most of the western world. It is one of the easiest, most flexible careers with which to move. You have more freedom than most, once you are a nurse.I was forced in my life to move numerous times so I am not scared to start over,
specially since in 7 years I havent keep any friends in NY, I am by myself here anyway.
Are you saying that in 7 years you have made no friends, and therefore... you will Not be lonely in Hawaii? Think about that ^^ statement, and then see what you plan to do, that will create a different life for you there...(like being a good friend and making friends.)
I dont know whats gonna happen with this movement, all I know its that I wasnt honest with myself and I feel me not leaving NY at the time planned made me becoming angry at everything around.
So, you are saying you took out your resentment on your wife, the anger you felt b/c you did not pursue your dream, and or your wife did not pursue YOUR dream, Do you see YOUR ROLE in this situation?
How you more or less, created it?
I will work as a waiter, dishwasher or whatever while I go to college, I dont mind that, however in NY those are the jobs I had been doing and it wasnt a problem.
I waited tables in college and in law school. It's how you do it when you don't have family paying your way. I obviously think It's worth it.
I need to wake up everyday and hear the ocean, see the sun and see an horizon line, bike to my job and to college and feel relax....I know I can do those things there, its not always gonna be easy but how can I say no to the idea of walking at night in the beach?
I'm half an hour from the beach and I love the ocean. But if you date or marry someone who needs to be in LA or NYC, don't marry them OR make sure YOU earn enough to do it OR put off your dreams until they are more realistic
OR find another cheaper beach area, b/c we have LOTS of coast line in this country! You do not have to be in Hawaii to be on the ocean. It's called "compromise".I will be developing my more spiritual side and see what life brings, and I am sure it will work
Good luck!
Hello 25!! Thank you for stoping by
Well let me go with the responses heheheh.
This is the right thread from now on
First a little background about me:
I moved to NY 7 years ago with 0 level of english after I finish my contract in the marines in Spain.
I moved to NY because I knew that it was the city where I could find the biggest amount of spanish people and I will be able to move myself around talking spanish till I learn english.
The reason why I moved to USA 7 years ago it was because I always wanted to live in Hawaii, it was my dream...but with no english at all I tought it was crazy to do that movement right away.
Its not very important, so please don't worry about my questions, but I'm still not clear about WHY you want to move to Hawaii.
Why there? Why do you believe you were "the happiest" THERE?
I have been there, more than once, and my h lived there growing up. I live in southern California and have for 14 years. I AM affected by weather, so I can understand if that is a reason for you to want sunny days....but I don't know if that is a factor for you in choosing Hawaii. There are many cheaper sunny places to live, however...
My main point is that it's very expensive and some people get what is called "Island Fever" and that is when they feel "confined", b/c they are on an island and miss the homeland. Sometimes they feel "surrounded by ocean/trapped" and it's a weird thing but we knew several people living there, who mentioned it.
Just something to ponder a bit, maybe. Where is your family NOW?
I started after 2 years working for a surf company in Ny, selling their clothes (Quiksilver) and that was because my english level was better so I knew it was time to move to Hawaii.
how did you "know it was time to move" to Hawaii? I'm trying also to get you to examine your motivations and reasoning b/c MAYBE your wife felt it was not that well thought out or planned. Maybe she worried she'd be leaving HER homeland for a place where neither of you would find enough work, to live well....maybe?
I was at that point more spiritual oriented, however ( and I can see all that clearly now) I was feeling lonely, in need of somebody to love me..
So, to clarify, are you saying that being "more spiritual" meant you were lonely and needed someone....to love you? I mean, we ALL want someone to love us and we all need that.
I'm not sure where the spiritual part you mention, comes in EXCEPT - for me, knowing God loves me, makes me LESS lonely...not more so.
Do you know what I'm asking you?
. I was offered by Quiksilver to be transfered to Honolulu and I accepted...3 weeks prior to move there I meeted my W, so....I decided to give it a try..
meaning, you met your wife and wanted to form a relationship with her and pursue it more? And then you wanted to convince her to join you in Hawaii?
WHEN in your relationship, did you tell her, that you planned on moving out there? Was it when you began dating, or later on, or after you had married?
What did SHE SAY when you told her you wanted to move there?
.. And it was a great try, but a try that made me look for ways to make a lot of money so I could one day buy a house in Hawaii and live in between Hawaii and Ny (ny only because my W its from here...)
No....New York because your wife wants an acting career and in New York, (and LA) that is where one pursues that type of career.
I have two adult children in the industry, & I performed some myself, so don't tell me that "there is theater or film in Hawaii"...
You must at least begin an acting career in NY or LA, if you are American...and want to succeed. Or "get discovered" elsewhere...And it's always a long shot. So you marry someone who knows what you want and what you are willing to do to achieve it AND who will support you in the mostly hard lean times...and you as the performer must derive enough joy from performing and NOT "need" fame, to be happy...
but I have seen my straight heterosexual male son kiss a man on stage and in film. And my daughter has had love scenes with men she was not in love with and I---25, was in "The Graduate" and played the older woman with a younger man, on stage. I liked it but my h never once, ever, complained.
So when you were angry at your w for kissing a man in a role she was PLAYING and you knew the whole time she was an actress, I felt her pain and frustration. You did not come off too well there my friend. That was the type of thing she'd be advised to stay away from if she told any of her acting friends.
I'm told that my son is handsome. His girlfriend felt insecure when he had kissing scenes with OWs but he NEVER cheated and frankly I don't believe he was ever tempted. But her jealousy and insecurity made her angry and irritable increasingly and finally they broke up. Don't do that to a person who wants to perform and has talent. If you wife had no talent, I assume someone would tell her so. But if she does, and it's her dream to pursue her art, why did you EXPECT her to change that for you and then resent her for doing exactly what you knew (or should have known b/c she was clear about it) she wanted to do?
Time started to pass and I started to grow resentments due to my W not wanting to move upstate NY or to the beach in Ny ( i needed a place with nature) so basically that started many of our problems and untill recently I couldnt find the reason...
You resented her b/c she did not want to give up her dream to pursue yours?
Were you particularly wealthy by then?? Rich enough to live in both places?
...I didn't think so...
So - you began this relationship with expectations that are unreasonable, and or NOT told to her (did you ever tell her you expected her to move where you wanted b/c that's what YOU wanted? Were you clear about that? IF SO, why did she still pursue acting?)
I believe if you begin a M with unrealistic or UN-communicated expectations (e.g., "she'll cave in to what I want, when she fails at her career, & I hope she does fail, b/c her 'success' threatens me"...) -- then it's a recipe for disaster.
We went to Hawaii last year..... And it was the nicest time in my life, however my W hated that all I liked to do was hinking, biking, swimming and surfing... She wanted to spend time in coffee places writing plays... So I told her, great while you do that I will go surfing and relax, she never told me that was wrong with her so I did it without feeling guilty.
This^^ means that Hawaii was NOT the place for HER...clearly. She can write "wherever" but she cannot publish "from wherever," she cannot perform "wherever"....
maybe once she became financially successful & her agent or manager said "hey, write wherever you are inspired" THEN MAYBE she could move around, but not as she's trying to establish herself in an industry that requires a lot of face time.
If you insist on living in Hawaii, don't marry a New York actress...
Then all the sadness and pittyness and bad feelings I had they were released in that time in Hawaii so at that point I knew for sure Hawaii was my place (at least for a while)
There are many places all over the world even in America, but I want to try Hawaii.
Hawaii its just at this point what I feel, whats calling me. I found a very nice apartment 15mins away from Waikiki beach, and I have a job offer to work with 2 surf companies there.
this^^ is ALL about YOU, what you want, and not about her or her dreams. You two want very different things...
I am planning to start taking classes in college there to go and pursue my career which is Nursing. So far I saw there is a big demand for nurses overthere.
"over there"?
Just FYI, nursing is in demand all over this whole country & most of the western world. It is one of the easiest, most flexible careers with which to move. You have more freedom than most, once you are a nurse.
I was forced in my life to move numerous times so I am not scared to start over, specially since in 7 years I havent keep any friends in NY, I am by myself here anyway.
Are you saying that in 7 years you have made no friends, and therefore... you will Not be lonely in Hawaii? Think about that ^^ statement, and then see what you plan to do, that will create a different life for you there...(like being a good friend and making friends.)
I dont know whats gonna happen with this movement, all I know its that I wasnt honest with myself and I feel me not leaving NY at the time planned made me becoming angry at everything around.
So, you are saying you took out your resentment on your wife, the anger you felt b/c you did not pursue your dream, and or your wife did not pursue YOUR dream, Do you see YOUR ROLE in this situation?
How you more or less, created it?
I will work as a waiter, dishwasher or whatever while I go to college, I dont mind that, however in NY those are the jobs I had been doing and it wasnt a problem.
I waited tables in college and in law school. It's how you do it when you don't have family paying your way. I obviously think It's worth it.
I need to wake up everyday and hear the ocean, see the sun and see an horizon line, bike to my job and to college and feel relax....I know I can do those things there, its not always gonna be easy but how can I say no to the idea of walking at night in the beach?
I'm half an hour from the beach and I love the ocean. But if you date or marry someone who needs to be in LA or NYC, don't marry them OR make sure YOU earn enough to do it OR put off your dreams until they are more realistic
OR find another cheaper beach area, b/c we have LOTS of coast line in this country! You do not have to be in Hawaii to be on the ocean. It's called "compromise".
I will be developing my more spiritual side and see what life brings, and I am sure it will work
I appreciate your time a lot 25!! I just repost this so I can visualize it better for better reading. Let me take a look..
Why there? Why do you believe you were "the happiest" THERE?
I grew up in a town surrounded by nature, fishing and doing outdoors activities was what it gave me happiness, then we moved to the beach and it was the best time in my life....
Here is where one of my biggest insecurities takes place and I was able to see this in the last 4 months....
I dont live the life I want, my life was created by me in order to be succesfull ( my family kept living a life of wealthy people and I was higly educated in seen people and myself as "you are as much as you have" so I wanted to be succesfull in order to be seen as a "better" person for my family... During this period that I am separated from my W, my 2 sisters had showed me, they love me for who I am not for what I have or I had accomplished! This was a great discover.
Again I dont know if Hawaii will be the place, but I will like to try it.
Just something to ponder a bit, maybe. Where is your family NOW?
My mom died when I was 15th, my dad died while I was in Ny, my sisters and brothers live in Spain, the economical situation in Spain its awful and since always USA was my dream and the country after living in many others, that I love the most, I like USA more than Spain so I dont consider the possibility of moving out of this country how did you "know it was time to move" to Hawaii?
My english level was good enough to try it in Hawaii at that point.
I'm trying also to get you to examine your motivations and reasoning b/c MAYBE your wife felt it was not that well thought out or planned. Maybe she worried she'd be leaving HER homeland for a place where neither of you would find enough work, to live well....maybe?
My W and I never sit down and spoke about buying a house, moving to another state, or so, she will always avoid this conversations...
I understand your point that she might see it as not well planned if we spoked about it, but she always since we meet refused to have this kind of conversations so I was never able to expose my plan, she will always say: lets talk about this another time....So, to clarify, are you saying that being "more spiritual" meant you were lonely and needed someone....to love you? I mean, we ALL want someone to love us and we all need that.
At that point where I was more spiritual, I felt lonely so I would take any relationship as a valid one without looking to see if the other person has things in commom with me or pursue the same dreams or goals....that was my fault, every person at that point was valid for me to start a relationship... I didnt look into the consequences...
I wasnt in a valid state of mind, I believe it was the beginning of my path and when I was happy with myself I jumped to fast into a relationship without loving myself enough... Thats maybe what it was, I am not sure if thats what you are asking me
WHEN in your relationship, did you tell her, that you planned on moving out there? Was it when you began dating, or later on, or after you had married?
I told her right at the beginning, she told me she didnt want to talk about that. My insecurities (now I can see it, I didnt saw it then) told me: this is a crazy idea, if you move to Hawaii you will loose the only person that loves you, stay and made an effort to be with her because she is the one... So thats how I keep doing things for others leaving aside what I wanted for me.
.. And it was a great try, but a try that made me look for ways to make a lot of money so I could one day buy a house in Hawaii and live in between Hawaii and Ny (ny only because my W its from here...)
Well at that point I was considering NY an option because her family was here, I wasnt trusting that she would be an actress, I was thinking it was a temporary thing.... This is something I have been working on in the last 4 months and I see this in a different way now, thats why I respect her decission and I made no contact with her since she told me she is happier without me.
and you as the performer must derive enough joy from performing and NOT "need" fame, to be happy...
Here is one of the flaws 25 , my W continusly repeated how she wanted to be an actress because her father emotionally abussed her so if she became an actress she would be able to proof him that she could do it, in all the time we were together, everytime she went to an audition or do something related to acting ( she barelky went to auditions, besides the fact I kept telling her, you can do it!! Be gentle with yourself you have the talent! Just go to auditions!!) she will be superdepress and sad and not tell me what happens, close herself crying or only talk to the people in her 12 step program, I never pressured her, I accepted and not ask her what was going on more than once. She just repeteadly say: I dont think I can be an actress, I will say, yes you can, she will explode in rage and not talk to me... So at that point I had no idea what to do.
So when you were angry at your w for kissing a man in a role she was PLAYING and you knew the whole time she was an actress, I felt her pain and frustration. You did not come off too well there my friend. That was the type of thing she'd be advised to stay away from if she told any of her acting friends.
I see this totally, and I feel many times sorry for that, however I am working on fixing that and its not gonna happen anymore, I was insecure and its really sad I could not see this flaw at that time. Is there anything I can do to change that now? No, its painfull and I am not proud, however its time for me to leave that behind and focus in how I will not do that in my future.You resented her b/c she did not want to give up her dream to pursue yours?
I resented because and this has not change, I believe its totally compatible to have a family and pursuing an acting career, I believe you can pursue being an actress and "plan" with your husband to buy a house or at least talk, just talk about future plans, thats what couples do right? Plan about their future, fantasize, despite the fact that it might or might not come true. I wasn't allowed to fantasize with her, everytime I tried I will be asked to shut up. Thats what builded resentment on me....
I dont know how my life will be, but today I fantasize with being happy, enjoy, keep biking, go to the beach, be healthy... Am I wrong because I fantasize about that? I dont think so.There are many places all over the world even in America, but I want to try Hawaii.
Hawaii its just at this point what I feel, whats calling me. I found a very nice apartment 15mins away from Waikiki beach, and I have a job offer to work with 2 surf companies there.
this^^ is ALL about YOU, what you want, and not about her or her dreams. You two want very different things...
Yes 25, if you followed my thread you will know that up to today she has not communicate with me, we dont see each other, she moved to another place and I dont know the address or nothing, she totally disappeared of my life, she even refussed to help me with my greencard so I will not loose it.
Yes 25, this time its about me, because in 4 months "waiting" here and working on myself, this is the first time I feel I need to love myself, and be happy and take a break of this city, go to a place where I can seat and work fully on my insecurities and I might be "wrong" by living the city but I reached the point where I see that this is the only solution if one day there is a possibility of R, I need to clarify my ideas and I believe Hawaii will help on that.
Are you saying that in 7 years you have made no friends, and therefore... you will Not be lonely in Hawaii? Think about that ^^ statement, and then see what you plan to do, that will create a different life for you there...(like being a good friend and making friends.)
I did friends, in fact I talk to most of them, there is only an issue...all of them moved out of NY...
So, you are saying you took out your resentment on your wife, the anger you felt b/c you did not pursue your dream, and or your wife did not pursue YOUR dream, Do you see YOUR ROLE in this situation?
How you more or less, created it?
We both created, we both were immature to compromise, I could stay in NY and live a happy married life, all I needed was a person who will communicate with me her plans, a person who will give me something to fight for, being married to a person who will not communicate with me wasn't the way. I have to and I am working on my insecurities, however and thats something I learned with you guys, she has to work on her insecurities.
But if you date or marry someone who needs to be in LA or NYC, don't marry them OR make sure YOU earn enough to do it OR put off your dreams until they are more realistic
I married her because I love her, I compromised to put all my dreams aside, my W never told me about any plans of building something like a dream with me, and the more time that it was passing and her not becoming "famous" (that was her goal) the more anger she will have towards me.
I have insecurities yes, I have to work on them, I can support my wife in her career and build a life in NY or LA, I can work in my insecurities...I probably will never know if that was enough for her, because she didnt communicated that to me.
Would it be a selfish compromise for me to live in NY and LA under her conditions? NY and LA are big, would it be too much from your partner who married you to ask to live in both states but in a place where there is more contact with nature?
Was I selfish for asking her to live 50mins from the city where I could be surrounded by trees? I can compromise to live in NY, but why couldnt she compromise with living 50mins away if that at the end will make me happy?
She can be an actress and I can work in the insecurities, what I cant see so clear is why her dream career cant be compatible with me bein happy as well?
YE
You wrote:
I married her because I love her, I compromised to put all my dreams aside, my W never told me about any plans of building something like a dream with me,
You have admitted that NEITHER of you spoke of dreams. You KNEW she wanted to be an actress and you wanted her to live almost an hour from NYC. My son lived there 8 years as a working actor and one must live on the subway line or be wealthy enough to take taxis' everywhere for auditions OR not get the role.
Moving out of the city for an aspiring actress (an actor who is not yet known) is NOT a good idea and no one does it. Sorry, but your plan was not compatible with hers...
YOU could have gone to Central Park or the Zoo, or whatever you needed to do to get away to "nature" OR NOT move to New York City in the first place, b/c you were living in a city she is from, where Her family lives and yet where you never wanted to live . Not a good situation to start from...and you cannot blame her or certainly not only her, for not talking about this. You did not adapt and neither did she.
Of course established actors can live anywhere, and can raise families OR, actors with a spouse who makes enough money on his own, AND can support their acting efforts while they struggle, THEY Can do it...
BTW our realtor is married to a television star, and many times they have moved to be on set with him, and she has paid the bills when he went without work for months....although now, I cannot tell you who earns more money.
But they are happy and have raised 3 kids...but he's established NOW and when he was not, SHE was established as a realtor...someone has to pay the bills. Weren't both of you in Gamblers Anonymous? I'm not judging. But I doubt she had confidence in you two making a fortune, UNLESS she succeeded as an actress.
My friend the realtor, SHE moved for him...b/c HIS career, acting, is NOT flexible on families, but her career in real estate, was.
unless you are in the top 3-6% of A lister actors, you cannot be away from where it's all happening. (I mean like Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Julia Roberts).
Otherwise, you are in the 96+% of actors who either take whatever you can get and hang around LA or NYC
OR you decide that being a "working actor", (hired enough but not "famous")
means doing what you love and earning enough to own a home and visit a cool place every year, is enough.
B/C THAT is what the mature actors seek out, work they feel is respected by their peers, that pays enough for them to not starve, and that's IT...mature spouses know this and support it.
But the goal of attaining fame...I mean if fame is THE actual Goal.....well you may as well rob banks if all you care about is fame. I bet it's a lot easier to do...and if you get caught and go to jail, at least you have shelter and food and health care..
(that comment^^ is a joke -- but I made it to illustrate the point I am making to you AND that I have made to our children before.
Your wife and my children are in a HARD field (the film industry) and if fame is the actual goal, and not the work itself, it's a sad sad pursuit, that will never EVER satisfy or bring joy...)
I can honestly say that my kids know this. They want to be "working actors and producers/directors."
Meaning, they LOVE the making of films, and if they can pay their bills while doing that well, it's enough...
and the more time that it was passing and her not becoming "famous" (that was her goal) [b]the more anger she will have towards me.
[/b]
Didn't that anger go both ways? I don't know either of you, but from what you wrote around here, it seems to me,
You were two people who married, and apparently, the whole time --you both wanted the other to change.
You both became resentful and more stubborn and more angry, wanting the other to change for you and then resenting it when the person instead, chose to be themselves.
Just think about that...^^??
I have insecurities yes, I have to work on them,
Yes. Join the club.
I can support my wife in her career and build a life in NY or LA, I can work in my insecurities...
Not sure what this^^ means b/c it's the opposite of what you did and it's NOT what you want...but it "SOUNDS" good to say.
Thing is, you don't want to live in her city and never did, & furthermore, you want to live on the other side of the country and ocean.
Perhaps your childhood scarred you in some ways, as hers seems to have scarred her.
I mean, You seem to really think you can only be happy near a beach in Hawaii, all based on a previous great dream vacation. (?) I don't disregard your dreams.
I am merely pointing out OPTIONS you will always have if things don't quite pan out there. It's SO expensive and you said you sell surf boards and or wait tables. I don't know what the surf board business is paying, but I know owning property in Hawaii takes a lot of money. The friends and family we know who own there, are self made millionaires...just fyi
I probably will never know if that was enough for her, because she didnt communicated that to me.
Communication is a 2 way street. You have to stop blaming HER for what you did not say.
Geez, you could write a letter and just ask her to sign that she read it even if she didn't agree....Plus you say conflicting things about supporting her career, wanting wealth but not having it but expecting her to "Commute" from Hawaii to New York or LA when you got rich enough to have 2 homes in the nations most expensive cities...and she was not realistic about what it takes to make it in the film/stage industry. One thing is it takes facing a LOT of rejection and still getting back up for another round of it.
To me, it sounds as if you were both so afraid to face conflict that no conflict was ever actually resolved.
The thing about conflict is, it's not about how often you have conflict (b/c life throws some couples more curve balls than other couples), but how you resolve those conflicts...
Would it be a selfish compromise for me to live in NY and LA under her conditions?
What does ^^ this mean? What compromise was offered? And what were "her conditions"? And are you speaking of NOW or some time before now?
NY and LA are big, would it be too much from your partner who married you to ask to live in both states but in a place where there is more contact with nature?
You never offered her the option of living in 2 cities, you made it clear that it would only happen AFTER YOU felt wealthy enough but you both had serious financial flaws so that's not something she could really believe in, was it?
ALSO, regarding people who choose places over people....well....funny you ask
My h, to whom I had been married for 25 years at the time, and with whom I had 3 children, left me to live in Alaska...b/c HE LOVES IT THERE...and YES, it was selfish of him. We had already lived there 3 years, earlier, and only he liked it and it became an obsession for him to return there to live...at all costs apparently.
NOW, after he moved to live there again and alone, and then moved back here and reconciled, he regrets his Alaskan decision b/c he deeply wounded the very people he says he loves the most in the world. We are Still picking up the pieces...
IF there had not been any children, and if we had not once had an amazingly deep connection, I would not have bothered with divorce busting and we would be divorced now.
Was I selfish for asking her to live 50mins from the city where I could be surrounded by trees?
In MY opinion, to marry a struggling actress IN NYC, and ask that she live an hour away while trying to establish herself in one of the most challenging career paths possible, IS SELFISH, YES...and
if not selfish, very unrealistic. It basically means she would give up on being an actress or willingly decreases her chance of success by 90%...so, you tell me what you think of that choice, now?
I can compromise to live in NY, but why couldnt she compromise with living 50mins away if that at the end will make me happy?
WHY? BECAUSE SHE WAS NOT AN ESTABLISHED ACTRESS; SHE WAS A STRUGGLING ONE...trying to get known to a few casting agents whom she'd have to meet with a dozen times before they'd ever think of her for a role, let alone give her one...
Your "compromise" was not really a compromise. Think about it.
Your "compromise" meant she'd be giving up on her dream completely, and for what?
You'd still want to live 5000 miles away with no promise of a better life, except that you prefer the beach. But what would have improved for HER if you both moved to Hawaii and you were still financially struggling?
Wouldn't she just be giving up her social life, (all her friends whom she has known for her whole life) AND her family AND her career dreams??? All that, For you to "walk on the beach"...it's not as if your career plans (which are vague for me) "require" you to live in Hawaii.
On the contrary, your career plans seem to be about nursing, so someday it'd be your career that is much more flexible than her struggling new career...and til then, as a waiter, you also had a lot more flexibility. In fact I think you said you moved to NYC in the first place, because you could get work there...
She can be an actress and I can work in the insecurities, what I cant see so clear is why her dream career cant be compatible with me bein happy as well?
I could be wrong, obviously. But an insecure spouse is not well suited for a celebrity of any sort to marry. So there's that.
(SIDENOTE: From what I hear around Hollywood, the real reason Jennifer Anniston and Brad Pitt did not work out, was more related to her chronic insecurity being married to a man who women throw themselves at, and less about him meeting Angelina Jolie...But Jolie may be the only woman in the world who CAN handle being married to Brad Pitt...)
Second, your dreams as I understand them AND as they are today, are not compatible. Oh sure, if she were already famous, or if you were already wealthy, you could probably swing things.
But like most people, neither of you are famous or wealthy. So you both must compromise and that usually (not always but usually) means you take turns.
I put my h thru medical school right after he supported me thru law school...and we had a child along the way. Then his medical residency was very very demanding and I was more or less a single parent for years.
I could have resented that (at times I did but I got better b/c I was determined not to become a bitter doctor's wife or bitter doctors EX wife)
but instead I tried to appreciate the comforts it brought our family and the work my h does, matters to me as well. I'm proud that he's good at what he does and he helps people too.
But we were both in school with a new baby for ONE semester...(my last semester of law school). If it had been earlier, I am not sure I could have finished my schooling
or that my h could have done his. One or both of us would have had to shift our dreams. My brother wanted to be an astronaut since he was a little boy. Believe it or not, he mapped out a plan to attend the Air Force Academy, to get his college there, to learn to fly, to get into test pilot school and THEN to become an astronaut... and he began his path. He did what it took to get in and off he went...
He was in the NASA (the Space program!) He was a test pilot too!
Then One day someone handed him a report, and the cover sheet of paper cut his eye....I mean it, a PAPER CUT, but it was on his eye, and it got badly infected.
And he had to be hospitalized...
The doctor said his cornea was damaged and then NASA and the Air Force said he could not be a test pilot anymore. Period. The end. A paper cut ended his career aspirations and dreams that he'd almost grabbed onto and that only 3% of pilots even get to do...
So my brother went to law school and became a lawyer who specializes in airplane crashes. He adapted. He's pretty happy now. That's just what a mature man does. He's NOT bitter, b/c he made a new dream for himself...and in a sense, we all do.
That's not the same as "settling". It's just adapting and choosing to be happy. As a military veteran, I'm used to moving and I love the phrase.
"bloom where you are planted".
Think about that. Keep working on YOU = b/c you are worth it.
Thank you 25
Didn't that anger go both ways? I don't know either of you, but from what you wrote around here, it seems to me,
You were two people who married, and apparently, the whole time --you both wanted the other to change.
You both became resentful and more stubborn and more angry, wanting the other to change for you and then resenting it when the person instead, chose to be themselves.
This is totally true, and I agree with that.
B/C THAT is what the mature actors seek out, work they feel is respected by their peers, that pays enough for them to not starve, and that's IT...mature spouses know this and support it.
But the goal of attaining fame...I mean if fame is THE actual Goal.....well you may as well rob banks if all you care about is fame. I bet it's a lot easier to do...and if you get caught and go to jail, at least you have shelter and food and health care..
For my W this wasnt enough, she kept repeating: if I dont become rich I dont want to be an actress struggling to pay my monthly expenses.
However I see your kids as being serious about acting, one thing that I could not stand is that my W, refussed to go to auditions because of fear, so basically she had no designed plan neither a goal...besides become the 3%, I had no problems with that and I will had no problems supporting that, the fact that she didnt tried it, is what kept me in a weird state of mind.
I can support my wife in her career and build a life in NY or LA, I can work in my insecurities...
I was living in NY, however and let me show you something: I wanted to be a photographer and didn't stop busting my ass knocking doors untill I was a photographer. She wanted and probably wants to be an actress but refusses to knock doors......
Would it be a selfish compromise for me to live in NY and LA under her conditions?
Her conditions, basically I would not mind had supported her, but for me to made enough money that was something that required time and effort and I kept telling her, once I become a nurse and I make more money I will help you more. She just could not wait that long.
You never offered her the option of living in 2 cities, you made it clear that it would only happen AFTER YOU felt wealthy enough but you both had serious financial flaws so that's not something she could really believe in, was it?
I offered her the option to live in NY. She is the one who said once she was rich we could live in between states.
To me, it sounds as if you were both so afraid to face conflict that no conflict was ever actually resolved.
The thing about conflict is, it's not about how often you have conflict (b/c life throws some couples more curve balls than other couples), but how you resolve those conflicts...
Well I have to disagree with this, I faced every conflict and talk about them, however as soon as I started talking she would shut me up saying, I dont want to talk about this. I will say but its necessary to talk about this, I dont know what you think about it.... She will say: sorry is just that I dont know...and I had to stop there.
Now I can see why you said I was selfish, and I recognize I was, I recognize I had no idea how to deal with my wife, it was hard for me to approach her, basically one of the "jokes" she had was: I am like the CIA, I dont like telling people about my personal life... And I can tell you untill one point this was right: It took her one year to tell her mom she had married me and I had no idea about this untill she told me, after her mom was upset one day we went visit her....
The way I see things now: I could had done things in a different way 25, but at that point I didnt knew how. I cant do anything else now, she seems happier without me, and I am glad and happy she is, there is nothing I can do about that, not because I dont want to because I want. But because she doesnt talk or contact me at all and it will not be respectfull of me to break that rule she had set.
Hello everybody!!! Aloha hehhehe I am in Hawaii, arrived here may 1st and wow I had never been so happy, no attitude from people, everybody its nice here and life its just great!!
I did 2 job interviews 4 days ago and both hired me, one is as a manager in a restaurant for a very important hotel company, this job will start monday. The other one is a waiter in a new high end mexican restaurant that will open may 26 , both of us full time so I will start in the first one and if I dont like it...get the second one
Thats pretty much how things are, I havent been thinking about my marriage and just being happy all this time. However my brother in law called me today( he is a lawyer taking care of a car accident we had months ago) so he was very friendly so I was and he knew I was in Hawaii.....wondering how the f he knows that since he unfriend me from facebook when my W left the house....I have no family of my W on my facebook so this is kind of weird.
He was asking me for my address to send me the paperwork since he said the insurance company has agreed to the terms he negotiated with them. Since I am still looking for a final apartment that I like to live in, I told him to email me the paperwork and I will sign it and send it back.
I have to recognize that I dont like too much the idea that he is "spying" on me...
Other than that everything else is great guys!!! Big hugs and I will write more soon
Well news today, it looks like this is gonna end and I have to file for D otherways no chance of keeping greencard. I spoke today to my W and asked her to send me all our pictures and paperwork that shows we were in a bonnaa fide marriage, I explained her I could not complete the paperwork unless I show them a divorce decree so basically she asked me for my address and she will send that to me tomorrow so I really hope she does send it and I can maintain my greencard, its kind of hard but I know at this point that this is the best thing to do, unfotunatelly I dont think she ever cared about this relationship and I have to really protect myself, for me its more important now to fix my legal situation that the M.
I have been so sad today
I read in this forum how many people had contact at some point with their partner and me? None at all, that really hurts completelly. Like everything was a big lie and pufff it puts my selfsteem so so so low you guys have no idea. I tought she was the one and I am seeing the reality completelly. And I cant still believe it. I kept thinking today that I should contact her and tell her about how nice its hawaii.
What do you guys think about this? Is it time to contact her and see if I can apologize?
Your not the only one, mine has not contacted unless I contact first. Nothing for weeks.
He's in an a so even if I ring, he won't take my call until it suits him. He ignores most contacts. So it's looking bad.
Ye, I don't think it has been too terribly long of a period for NC with her- especially since you moved across the country. I know it seems like an eternity. I would think (mind reading) she figures you moved to get away from everything, including her. I'm not surprised she hasn't contacted.
If you want to test the waters, I would wait. Maybe getting away from her will speed up your detachment and you won't want to speak to her so soon. Maybe wait a week or so... Just a thought.
Enjoy your time over there!!!
Thank you Artsy I appreciated that you stop by!!
I wasnt happy in Ny so I feel happy here and at this point if she thinks so I cant do anything about it....she is the one that left so...
This monday I will receive and sign the divorce papers
I have no more option at the moment...otherways I will losse greencard.
Do you think she will ever realized any of this? i think for what I see that she is happier without me. Oh boy this is sad, since she left my only resource has been totally LRT, I had no chance of anything else...
Well today I am getting the D papers, what an awful day
I am terribly sad, I went to church today and talked to God for a little, I am in terrible doubst of why all this happened and what I did so wrong
yesterday night I watched the movie "Fireproof" and I dont recomend that movie to nobody that its suffering a Divorce at this point. I need advice guys, Starsky, Sandi2 what do you guys think should be my next step? Should I write her a letter saying sorry? Should I keep no contact? Whats next? I dont know what to do
Sorry to hear what you're going through. I'm not sure why you constantly feel like you have to apologize for things. You've been apologizing since you've been here. You haven't done much to detach which is why you're feeling the way you do.
If you want to know what you need to do, it's to start living again. You haven't grown beyond the situation so you still feel lost. Get yourself strong again and stop letting everything revolve around your M and the actions of your W. Start doing things for you. Start believing in yourself again.
Sandi2 so what would be your recomendation with a WAW that I dont know if on an A or not, but has cut all contact completelly for 4 months? Is there any way to aproach that WAW?
In your stitch, I would tell you to move on. I think you need to mourn the M, and then move forward to live a new life for yourself. I am sorry, Ye. I know you are suffering.
You have moved to a new land with new possibilities ahead. Build a new life for yourself. You will find a lady who will be happy to stand by your side. For what it's worth, I am impressed with your move. You really did it!
I'm impressed by your move too, that was bold. I am sorry for the sadness you feel about the papers, that is a tough day. I hope you take advantage of your new opportunities and get out and live in your new lovely state!
MyBond, sandi2 , MamaB thank you, thank you so much, sometimes we are so in doubt that we need to hear the truth from others, and even if I dont like it....its the reality of my sitch, I just signed the papers and I guess a new life is out here for me.
Eventually somebody will love me the way I love myself, which thanks to Dbing and all of you has raise to big levels....its a long road but your words really help.
I tought I was doing something "wrong" by giving up, but certainly I really had nothing that keep us in touch.
Again guys thank you, I will be a few days off of the forum but I will be back to at least support the people who is having issues in their relationship right now
Ye, sorry things are unfolding the way that they are for you. Keep your head up and keep working on yourself. You seem like a pretty spiritual person and often allude to it in the advice you give, well allow me to do the same for you.
You said you are in doubt about why all this happened, maybe you are meant to show up in Hawaii at this time in your life with all of your new skills. Maybe now your eyes will be open to what you need to be looking for and you will find someone who you may have overlooked in the past. I too am amazed at how quickly you relocated and how lucky you were to find two job offers so quickly. Is this just coincidental?
Keep your eyes, heart, and mind open. Keep learning from your lessons and DBing. Your new life is just beginning in an exotic land.
I will be pulling for you. ¡Buenos suerte!
(((Ye)))
I think it's all part of Gods overall plan for you to be in Hawaii right now- grieve your M and start enjoying your new area! How exciting! Stay true to who you are and great things will happen for you, ye. It will get better, in time.
(((Ye)))
I think it's all part of Gods overall plan for you to be in Hawaii right now- grieve your M and start enjoying your new area! How exciting! Stay true to who you are and great things will happen for you, ye. It will get better, in time.
I agree with this ^^^, ye -- and with the others. I know you are hurting right now, but I really think you need to stop apologizing and start LIVING. I am confident there are better things -- including a better relationship with another woman! -- out there for you!
Starsky
You don't need permission to put dead things in the past and go forward to live and be happy. Be blessed.
Ye, your Wayne Dyer quotes in your signature caught my attention on a different thread and pulled me here.
Wayne Dyer has a great perspective on detaching in his movie 'The Shift' (you can find it on YouTube).
There is a plan which you are a part of. Everything that has happened is for a reason. You were called to Hawaii for a reason.
It is incredibly painful when the person you love the most in the world doesn't want to talk to you and acts as if they want nothing to do with you at all. It's worse when you are separated by distance and never get the chance to see them. I know. I am living that reality right now.
The only thing you can control is yourself. You are being put on a path to something truly great. And this is all preparing you for that.
Don't give up becoming the best person you can be.
Yelllloooooowww guys
Aloha from the islands, I hope all of you are having a great great weekend!!
Well I just wanna to update a little, my life its great!!! I am extremely happy, found my path and spiritually I found myself, I had never felt like that before when I moved to a new place.
I got a new green card!!! And I got my ID from Hawaii!!
I work in a great place with full benefits and this week I am enrolling to college.
So I cant say nothing negative so far hehhee
All of you guys are doing a great great action helping people that needs to be listened in this times, at the end whatever its the outcome of the DBing, all of us we ended seeing the light and I am very happy and grateful for that!!
I started in this forum because my marriage was over, I had to file for D because of my legal situation in USA.
I was veeery sad and hopeless.
Today I live in Hawaii, I wake up everyday at 6am, go for a 2 hours bike ride, then go to work, after work I go to the beach and then dinner in the terrace and time to sleep.
Its a simple life and thats exactly what I wanted!!
Big hugs my DBingFriends
Now its my turn to listen to other members and introduce them to the DBing movement hahaha
I will post here better MrBond, maybe somebody will get benefits from this.
Many here had a great marriage, worth fighting for it and I encourage everyone to fight for it and not accept D.
However in life are different situations, I understand how it seems like I dissapeared, I moved to Hawaii and spent all this months since may 1st paying my debts, I have only a small more payment to do in and old electric bill and thats it.
So one of the goals and my changes its been acomplished which it was been responsible and pay my debts.
And many other more goals, I dont smoke I am way more calm and I actually listen to people, take the advice that my guts tell me to follow and the ones I dont find usefull I discard them.
In my relationship I lied, about trivial stuff like I was a cyclist but the fact is that I lied, so I understand how my exwife felt about it and it was something to put work on, sessions of therapy have been able to identify the problem and correct it.
When I started working here in hawaii I had problems at my job, I though nobody liked me and actually hated me, so my response was to give attitude, I always had the need to respond back and could not take criticism or orders from authority figures, my day at work was miserable everyday and I tought it was the job.... It wasnt, it was me so working on STFU and realize that others hace a different way of see things has nothing to do with me in a personal level really changed things completelly, I love to go to work now.
So basically:
No lies
No disrespect
No egocentrism
Not believe that everybody its attacking me
Take care of myself
One of the problems that my exwif said we had in the relationship is that I didnt support her career, I understand how she felt about that and today I will not show those patterns.
My therapist helped me understand and be compassive with myself and realize that I have first to analize how things affect me, talk about them, and change whats the outcome so it doesnt affect others. At the same time I have to realize if something hurts me and I need the other person to change their approach its equally respectable for them to realize they have to change that.
So if somebody makes fun of you and it makes you feel bad, I am totally able to ask them to stop doing it, if they dont change it, its enough reason not to have people like that in my life.
So MrBond yes, things have changed, I could not be as proactive here as I was, now I am more time balance in my life and I have the chance to stop by and help others.
Its important for me today to call things by their name and yes I was with an emotional abuser, no matter my changes, that person would not change their outcome. So better to get off of people like that.
I am and I did correct most of the issues present in my life, things I didnt like from me and things I didnt like in general, and still no compasion from a person who married me once.
Its hard to explain what I went thrue to keep my greencard, even when I decided to pay back the IRS and emailed my exwife about her bills so She could even get some money back in this last year taxes I received not response.
I had to declare my taxes and her taxes this year without W2 forms due to being kept from her and not been mature enough to just sent them despite it was on her own benefit.
I did things in my relationship that I dont like? Yes, I lied to her about that and didnt went to her play, but I call things by their name today. Untill the day she asked me for D I had no idea how affected her that I didnt went to her first play, for her was wnough reason to call it out.
I supported her many other times and I was just meassured in that relationship by my mistakes not by my pro points, so I trully wish her well.
I am not walking in eggshells with nobody else no more, thats for sure.
I am being educated by my therapist in what a healthy relationship is in general, in every single aspect, silent treatmenst are not healthy, makiing fun of somebody in front of others its not healthy and so the list go on.
In my next relationship I will not have the liying, not the not support in BOTH WAYS and certainly not the past issues.
My intention recognizing that my exwife was an emotional abuser its not to put her down, just to call things by their name and realize that there is a point where not everything can be put on the shoulders of one.
Everyday of my life I ask my friends and family even my therapist what they see in me that I can change, and when I truly believe that its making me unhappy I work on that.
Ye, I'm happy for you. Sounds like you've learned quite a bit from your first post and it sounds like you're in a much better place. Keep enjoying life and you're in Hawaii- learn to surf!
I'm glad you believe you're happy. I would not go so far as to say that your W was an emotional abuser. You were hurt by her just as you had hurt her and you didn't know how to communicate with her so the cycle continued with you.
In fact, in your post above you pretty much said that it wasn't that your W was an emotional abuser, it's that you didn't know how to handle criticism... from anyone, not just your W.
I really do hope you learn and grow from here on out.
What island are you on and where are you working at now?
Bond unfortunatelly it was an abussive relationship, she its not worst of better for that, she just had a problem and I was in the middle of that so no matter what I could not help her with that issue. If all it took for her to be at a better emotional place was my pain, I loved her and I am willing to accept it. I was defensive with criticism due to a secondary effect of this relationship, I wasnt always defensive before I met her. Again I dont believe she did it on purpose, she took a toll for her father abusse and didnt knew better at that time, I really wish for her own happiness she doesnt treat her new boyfriend like that.
The 2 therapist I went thrue they showed me the abusse circle and helped me understand that it was impossible the communication due to her past traumas. My only therapist today has and still showing me many beautiful things about what is a healthy relationship in every field of life.
The good thing and what makes me happy for her is that right after she divorced me her relationship with her family improved and she even went to Albania to confront her past. So even if I suffered at least she was able to be at certain level of peace with her abussive family and I am willing to take the pain I took if now at least she talks to them and solve her problems.
I live in Oahu, in Honolulu, I work in a restaurant from the Hilton hotels and basically my issue today is that first, everyday I keep stressing myself because I dont know if to go cycling or go to the beach...everyday its sunny here hahahha
I an still single, havent dated nobody since january when all this happened, I am volunteering for the red cross here, and in general I am calm, zero ansiety and more at peace, it really helped to be at this forum when I did, despite that we dont agree always which its nice , its funny how when I have a complicated customer I go to my notes in the iphone and read your first posts, you showed me how to be fair with myself and thats a great lesson I could not learn if I didnt came here.
Oh one more thing.... And this is actually funny.... I applied to college for nursing and to the Honolulu Police department, if I dont pass the police test in october I will then start nursing
The whole story Bond its too long and not worth it to talk anymore about it, thats why I dont go into details. But I am sure this relationship has put me in a better place for whatever comes next.
"Bond unfortunatelly it was an abussive relationship, she its not worst of better for that, she just had a problem and I was in the middle of that so no matter what I could not help her with that issue."
No it wasn't an abusive relationship. You seem to have forgotten how detailed you explained everything before. In fact, you also said...
" I had problems at my job, I though nobody liked me and actually hated me, so my response was to give attitude, I always had the need to respond back and could not take criticism or orders from authority figures, my day at work was miserable everyday and I tought it was the job.... It wasnt, it was me"
This is the same issue with your W. It was more than just the lying to your W that was the issue. That's the part you don't seem to understand.
I have a feeling that it will come up again in your next relationship.
Thanks for your support. You are not the first person who though I wasnt abussed